5 symptoms that you are in a codependent marriage

A brief review for those looking to identify signs of a codependent marriage here.

minute read

In every marriage there is give and take, sacrifice and compromise.  When this exchange becomes one sided, you might want to consider you are in a “codependent” marriage or better yet a marriage where your needs are not satisfied and your happiness is secondary. But what are some of the signs of a codependent marriage? We review here. Then, we invite your questions or comments about codependence recovery tools in the section at the end. Please know that we try to respond to all questions with a personal and prompt reply.

Is codependency a real condition?

You bet.

While The American Psychiatric Association does not list this behavior in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, let us take the stigma off of the word “codependent” and look at what it indicates; a person that puts their partner’s needs above their own and whose happiness depends on their partner’s happiness.

If a husband is mourning the death of his mother, it makes sense that his wife would be sad as well. If he comes home and had a bad day at work, it may affect his wife’s mood. However, if you are sick and your husband is angry because he cannot golf and you make accommodations so that he does not have to interrupt his social plans, there is something amiss. You just put your husband’’s wants and needs above your own even though your needs were obviously more important.

5 Symptoms You are in a Codependent Marriage

1. Your spouse’s opinions matter more than your own (especially in decision making).

2. You are focused on making your spouse happy even if that means you are unhappy. Ex. You do things you do not like or even abhor to make your spouse happy.

3. You find that you do not do anything without your spouse. In other words, you do not have your own identity.

4. You take on extra responsibilities that should be your spouse’s so that he will have more “free” time.

5. You go above and beyond for your spouse — even doing things you would not do for yourself.

If these examples sound familiar to you, you may be in a codependent marriage. If your personality is defined by someone else and your happiness has become less important than that person’s, you may be in danger of living life according to your partner. If your identity is lost and you no longer can distinguish your likes from your partners, these traits may be indicative of codependency. But do not fear! There are ways to get out of a codependent relationship.

Codependency and addiction

Another common type of codependent relationship is the one between an addict and their partner. Addicts usually have the floor and their partners are the ones following their lead.  Since addiction is a selfish disease by nature, the focus in the relationship tends to be on the addict and their addiction.

Change is possible

So, how do you stop being codependent?

If a person experiences these symptoms, they may be very happy in their own little world. However, if you are looking for information on codependency, odds are you are looking to make a change and not happy in your role as codependent. If you find yourself in this situation and feel that you fit the criteria for codependency, it may be a good idea to re-evaluate your own needs.

If you think that you may be codependent, please leave us your questions or feedback here. We’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly. You are not alone!

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I have read and agree to the conditions outlined in the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

  1. I know I am in a codependent marriage. My husband has been an addict most of his life and our 23 year marriage. I hate what I’ve become. I hate who I am and I hate the relationship with my husband. Or lack of relationship with my husband. I find I am completely addicted to him. When we’ve had a big fight, I fight the urge to go to him. And usually I fail. I go back to him, he isolates in the garage) and we end up fighting again making things worse. I can’t seem to control my own behavior. I have become so sick and the relationship is very toxic. I know things can’t keep going this way, I just can’t seem to make any changes. I feel so hopeless
    And so out of control.

  2. Then Lacey & Joan it sounds like you are both ready to leave and that is okay. If it doesn’t work and you have tried everything you possibly can than you are aloud to try and find happiness elsewhere, more than anything within yourself before you try at it again.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  3. I am the wife to an addict of cannabis porn and masturbation. Good man, helpful works but loves his own company to much, we rarely make love or do anything nice together. He’s having counseling which has helped his moods and at the start of December he was asked to do massages with me until 4 th January when we had our 2nd lot of couple counseling but didn’t every excuse from feeling sick, work etc. I can’t continue

  4. My husband of six years recently relapsed on heroin, I knew he had a history of addiction when we got married, but we worked on it, and he eventually got clean, he’s been clean for a bit four years up until about three months ago, I feel so alone, hurt, betrayed… I know the right thing to do for myself is to leave but I’m terrified, and I hate myself for not being able to do what’s best for me out of fear of being alone, fear that he’s going to hurt himself if I’m not here to keep him strong, I’m stuck in such a constant state of anxiety and despair and I don’t know what to do

  5. Angela, Linda, Jessica, Jessica, Barbra,

    You are all your breaking point so coming here was a good start. I wish I could just tell you that everything was going to be easy and that walking away is going to be too. It is difficult and it is scary but I can tell you this much you will be better off in the long run and you will be much happier and healthier once you separate yourself from this toxic situation. Now that you know that there’s no way that this person is ever going to change based on anything you do or don’t do, it is time for you to make the change. It may be scary I know that fear but that’s your will go away when you leave in time however, If you stay that fear will just get worse and turn into a lot uglier things.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  6. I have been in a codependant relationship for 20 years with my husband. He will always throw a fit or tantrum…break a door….throw his phone…be verbaly abusive…..if things don’t run smoothly his way for him. He has drug abuse symptoms of psychosis and paranoia which has gotten worse over the last two years..much worse. I am at a loss. I KNOWhis true self to ne sweet and loving…but it is short lived only to be taken over by his outbursts. What to do

  7. 12 years an I’m finally waking up it has taken a toll on me mentally, emotionally, physically an spiritually. @ times I do not know how I am still standing for then I stop an realize it’s God 100% my children. I just can not live like this any more he completely thinks it’s normal he see nothing wrong I considered a psycho when I tell him you shouldn’t drink and drive ..he has 2 dui on record, I’m a psycho when his daughters want to spend time with him but he chooses to leaves to smoke marijuana with his friends. So much confusion, deceit, I feel so much better & feel healthy when I am without him it makes me sad i love him.he creates fears,anxiety & tension in me for I never know what to expect ?

  8. I don’t know if this is still active, but thought it wouldn’t hurt to try. I have been married to an addict for 10 years. We have 2 children together. He has been in trouble for most of the time. On probation for the second time now and he just finished rehab not even a year ago. But we are back to the lies, excuses, and bad choices. I am so tired of making ultimatums and knowing that it won’t work. I am to the point where I need to leave for the sake of my children and myself. The problem is that I am scared to leave. I have accepted that he really can’t change, at least not because I need him to, and I have finally accepted that I have to do what is best for me, but it is still scary. Does anyone have any advice?

  9. I am in a toxic marriage, I am not happy and I don’t want to negotiate nor compromise no more. I have being in this situation for 30 years and nothing change. I want out of this bondage because I feel as if I am dying. This is too much for me. I want to walk away but I am afraid something will happen to him. Can you help me overcome my fears.

  10. I have the same issues and I feel as though I am torn on what to do. I need help letting go and moving on but just don’t know how

  11. Jennifer,

    I understand the depression and pain more than you know so telling you to look on the bright side doesn’t help at this point although there is one. Right now would be a good time to dig deep and figure out what you want, if it is really him and if you are willing to go through this battle with him for the rest of your life. Once you have an idea of what you want you can work towards that.


    Why can’t you make her leave the home as you have the children? You can call the police to have her removed. If this is not an option then will 1/2 a tank of gas and maybe a loan from a friend get you to a town with a shelter until you can figure out what is next? Getting you and your kids out of a toxic situation is the right thing to do, don’t forget that and let it give you the strength you need to get through this part.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  12. i have been married to my wife, an addict, for 20 years. its time for me to go. i dont know how, i dont know where, and i cant drag my kids into the street. i live in a small town so i have no shelters, etc. i really have nothing. 1/2 tank of gas.

  13. My husband says I am codependent. When I read the explanation, I am understanding that if I take care of my husband and family needs above my own that is a bad things? If I don’t go do things when my husband works, that’s a bad thing? I am very confused. That might be the reason he makes me feel so stupid, when I don’t understand why these things are wrong.

    1. Hi Tami. It’s not wrong or bad to take care of your husband or family. What makes a person codependent or enabling addiction is if the things you do shelter the addict from facing the consequences of their behavior. If you take on responsibilities just because the other person is unable to…due to substance use – you are not helping them face the reality of what their behavior is doing to them, to you, to the family. And, what’s worse, having a codependent partner may even keep the addict not needing to change and sober up.

  14. My fiance is a heroin addict and i fell in love with a sober person who then relapsed. When sober hes everything i could ever want or need in a man. Hes my superman. He cannot seem to get away from the demons that are causing him to use. I have found myself wrapped up in chasing him and trying so hard to keep him alive that i have lost myself. Hes now in jail going to have to serve 2 years and i font kbow how to live life without him. Hes been gone for 4 months and ive never been more depressed

  15. Yonne,
    Thank you for sharing that very difficult story. I can’t tell you to let go, you have to be emotionally ready to do so. I can tell you to read Hope Street and read the many other posts within all of my articles here because you will start to see a pattern. You need help, you need to get support to help you. A therapist, some alternative therapies to help with stress and depression and a support group are some things that helped me. Getting on with life, even though it doesn’t feel good at first can force you to start doing things again and being part of healthier relationships.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  16. I have been married for 28 years to my husband. In April of 2015 he told me he had been using meth since 2013 on a daily basis. Prior to this he had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. I thought this was what I was dealing with. He family also has a history of Schizophrenia. I was stressed and worried all the time – not knowing it was drugs and he was an addict. So when he told me it was drugs, I was relieved at first… it answered so many questions…. He started disappearing…Then one night he told me he had been having an affair for a year and that he didn’t love me anymore I was devastated… I had too much coming at me. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He finally moved out and I downsized into an apartment. I have never let go. I don’t know how to stop loving him. He since then has told me he made up the affair, he just said it to push me away – I don’t believe him and I certainly don’t have any trust. I don’t give him money or support him, however, I do love him and I don’t know why I can’t accept this. I have been depressed for over a year and my breakdowns are sometimes more than I can handle. I live on my own, I am a functioning working adult… I am extremely heartbroken and lonely. I want to believe that he will get better, but I don’t really see him trying at all. He hasn’t worked for 2 years. I feel crazy…. And this year I just realized I was co-dependent. I believe in our marriage – we have always been best friends. He hasn’t gotten into any trouble that I am aware of, and I am not really sure how he supports his drug habit since I have no idea where he goes. I am glad to hear your advice.

  17. Christina, Hillary and Carol,
    Fear is the reason you are not able to live the life you want, the way you want it. Fear and a lack of self-love are the reasons that anyone stays with an addict. The addict will beat it out of you and you allow it to happen. It was not until 12 years of getting it beat out of me did I finally have enough. I knew I deserved better but my self-esteem was so low. The only way to improve it was to leave and get myself help so that I could be a better mother and the person I wanted to be, not the sad and fearful person I had become. Fear nothing because life is too short to continue on a path that is lined with nothing but pain.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  18. My husband of 20 years is a cocaine addict, he has told me he has stopped so many times over the years it is so untrue. Due to the fact I am disabled and wheel chair bound I don’ t get out much . I take our joint account credit card of him when I have gone the bank lots of times however due to a recent hospitalisation followed by along recovery programme I have not been as focused as I try to be . I feel all five of the above I told all my children, most of them new and didn’t want to tell me, our youngest son has lost all his pals and has had to leave school for the constant name calling of his dad he has no bond with him. I went to our joint account yesterday and had six months statements printed out are eldest daughter circled all the money he has used addiction. Average £60 to £240 per day we sat with him he refuses to go anywere for help?

  19. Where do you start? I keep coming back to this. I have been married for 10 years and I’ve known for so long. I don’t want to be co-dependant, but I am not sure whats real and whats not. I don’t trust my own husband and I just feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to question myself or feel guilty anymore. I just want to be in a healthy relationship. I’m scared of divorce — the last thing I want to do is hurt my 2 children (3 1/2 & 10). Please help…

  20. Wow all true he continues to push me away and continues to be on drugs I need help not wanting to be there to help him

  21. Veronisa,
    You have made the right decision. You needed the insanity to stop and especially in front of a child. If he is abusive, then the drugs are only part of his behavior. If he is blaming you, he is not really in recovery and I would highly doubt even if he is clean that he won’t use again. A person in recovery does not blame others for their behavior and should be in a place where they are making immense with those that they have hurt, not hurting them and blaming them. A person in recovery is an open book, you should be able to see right through them and as soon as there is even the slightest lie or deception, you can be assured it is because they are hiding something. I know, I lived and loved an addict for 12 years. Please read Hope Street, if you have not already because I think you will be able to understand a lot more about addiction and co-addiction.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  22. Natalie C,
    If you would like to know more, please click on my name in this article and 35+ articles I have written are in here as well as my book, which would definitely help you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  23. I am married for 4 years to Vernon he uses tik.i have been beaten insulted accused of having an affair,called an elephant, a cow.the day I decided here nd no more I showed him tough live…locked up our house,let him sleep outside…in da rain…only sed if he were to get help…we would work.he went to rehab,nd just recently relapsed again…as much as I cud sense it going to happen with hs behaviour,i offered work help for spouses,the medicationthe herbs,considered counselling rehab again.This man refused it all,said he stopped,found drugs in our home on two occassions,threw him out said we cant go on like this he shud get this right on his own,he left staying by his mommy,lol in a months time they tellin me he is clean,looking healthy.He hates me now,blames me for him making his choice to move on,for not being to see our 3 year old developing his skills. I want to know is it possible that he is clean…lol…nd over his family. And what shud I do about my feelings fir him,caus all I wanted was him to stop with his drug usage.

  24. Yvonne,
    I can’t tell you what you want to hear. You can’t help him get help or go into recovery. You have tried I am sure but has it ever worked? If he has been using meth for 30+ years, when was he showing you his sober side? Also, the brain damage from that type of drug use is probably devastating and he may never be the person you loved again. You shouldn’t give up, but not on him, on you. YOu can turn this around for yourself if you learn how to let go and move on. It took me 12 years, marriage and a child before I could do that so for each of us it is a very personal decision that comes only when we are ready.
    Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  25. My has husband is a meth addict. He started using one year after we were married. Because of his problem throughout the years we have lost homes, cars, you name it we lost it. No matter what I forgave and stuck by his side. But to make myself feel better I started drinking a lot throughout the years. When I would drink a lot I would become very angry and say abusive things to him. He never would discuss our problems with me he would always talk to other people. Long story short we have been married 35 years. In 2013 he was working out of town in Barstow Ca. And it was at least a 5 month job. He would come home on the weekends to visit. I noticed him changing little by little, he was bringing large quantities of meth home and less money. I new he started on another binge. One day in May of 2013 he called me and said he wanted a divorce, and that he no longer loved me. He started to have an affair with a women who picked him up at his hotel. He left me with all the bills and once again I lost our home and he abandoned me and my children. It’s been 3 years now and he lost his career,,and has no money or job. He never filed for the divorce yet. He is still with the women in Barstow, but I don’t know where he lives in the town. He won’t call any family members he is just hiding. He is now in trouble with the law and so much more.. The girl is also a drug addict and alcoholic. Call me crazy but I don’t want to get a divorce, because when this man is sober he is loving, gene rouse and shows a deep love for his family. But when he is on drugs he is mean, selfish and very abusive. I want to help him but I have to find him. I know he won’t go to rehab on his own so please help me and guide me what I can do.

  26. Kaz, Patty & Suzi,
    The dynamics of your relationship may differ but you are all in the same position. You are all dealing with an addict, in a relationship that is very toxic where you are all Addicted to an addict. You suffer from a similar affliction as the addict. You cannot stop doing something that is hurting you even though you want to. That is the definition of addiction and codependency. So the issue here is and how you can help the addict so that you can feel better it is how to help you so that you can be better. You are all struggling with issues that require the focus to be on you and your own issues rather than what the addict is doing. I understand this because I deflected my own issues by loving an addict for 12 years. It was only when I decided that I had had enough was I able to go into my own recovery and deal with my own issues. That is your starting point and it is the hardest decision to come to but it is crucial if you want your life to change.
    Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  27. I am only just realising the lengths I go to to please my partner. He is an addict and I find myself borrowing money for him, lying for him, buying alcohol for him and jeopardising relationships with my family to keep him happy. I want to change this behaviour but I don’t see how I can break the chain of lying for him if I am constantly doing it and have always done. He is a very manipulative person and has gone to extreme measures when I have refused him in the past.

  28. I have been codependent for 40 years. I had to provide for myself. I am trying to get my 16 year old granddaughter through school She has issues with add. She has to work to be able to get things like cheerleader but not willing to exercise. He’s gain weight and cannot jump
    My husband is an active drinker sometimes he quits for several months but acts as he does when he drinks. He very mean and demanding. He could never keep a job. I am older and cannot handle

  29. My husband is an addict and i think i am codependentl and he is very good in turning things around that makes me feel guilty. But his addiction is ruining our marriage he pays more attention and time to his addiction than me. I left him for us to have time apart so he can realize my worth he said he realizes his mistakea but still cant leave his addiction he calls me everyday for 10-20minutes because he is tired, high or drunk. He makes me wait a lot sometimes because he is smoking and drinking with his friends. I get paranoid about his whereabouts that i fight with him. I am very confused i want to save our marriage for my baby but i dont know how to deal with this anymore.

  30. Roger,
    Thank you so much for sharing with us and I am so grateful that the information here has helped you. Everything I write is from my own experience so nothing is hypothetical or based off of what I think is the right thing, it is what I know firsthand. I always try to urge to people that there will be no change unless it comes from you but it also took me 12 years to come to that conclusion myself so I understand the process and the road and that each person must come to it in their own time after they have exhausted all options. But I also wrote Hope Street, to allow others to see that I too, went through hell, but that there is hope and renewal and an amazing independence and freeness on the other side that you can’t even imagine is possible when you are stuck within the cycle. If I have given you that glimmer of hope that will lead you to freedom from this situation, then no thanks necessary, I am helping others and that is my only intention.
    Don’t give up and keep forging through this. Time is the ultimate healer.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  31. Hi Amanda I’m in a codependent relationship with an addict who tells me she’ll never be free of drugs and says other ludicrous things when she’s under the influence and shows no remorse for her words when she is sober after. She gives me the feeling that if i can’t accept her the way she is, then I must leave. But when I almost do she keeps me hanging on. I have read read much of your blog because I am consumed by my deep feelings for her and my need to try and help her. I needed to look for some advice outside of myself because I have reached a point of desperation, more than once and cannot anymore. I feel I need to cut the tie from her but it is more difficult now than ever. I HAVE ALL the fears that you have mentioned. It is only up to me to make the change I know as she does not want to, but I would like to say a huge thanks to you. You have helped very much

  32. Kim,
    Thee is nothing wrong with you. Your love and concern has spilled over into codependency, co-addiction and enabling as is very common in this situation. What you describe is a situation that is seriously toxic for you and your children. See what life is like without him, why take him back when you know what he will do again, when you do this that is 100% enabling. There are all kinds and each situation is different but if you are living with an addict we all tend to enable just to survive and get along. You need to recognize your part before you can move on and let go which you must do.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  33. Samantha,

    At 17 years old there is no reason to start out your life with an addict. You do not know enough about addiction or co-addiction but unfortunately like the rest of us here we have to learn for ourselves in our own time. You don’t understand yet that addiction just can’t be stopped, there is a whole new way of thinking, lifestyle and recovery that goes along with it. Please read the other articles here and blogs and pick up my memoir, Hope Street, as it will help you immensely gain some insight into your future. I was 18 when I met my ex husband, 12 years, marriage, a child later and nothing changed

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  34. I have be in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic for over 17 years. We have two children together, now ages 11 and 17. My husband doesn’t seem like he likes our children. Whenever we are watching tv he gets annoyed if they come into the room to talk to me. He even seems jealous if they hug me or “hang on me.” (long hugs) I’m not sure if the problem with them hugging me is because they don’t show affection towards him or if he feels like he is not getting that kind of affection from me. My husband has been in and out of rehab and in and out of our home a lot (like over 7 times in 17 years) He will come back on our home, eventually get a job and then either drink, do drugs or check into the emergency room. He inevitably looses his job in the process and then either I kick him out or he checks himself into a rehab. Then after rehab, he is full of promises and hope and begs to come back home. The process repeats over and over again. This latest incident, he was working from home, I wanted a glass or two if wine. It was Super Bowl Sunday, he went behind my back and drank my wine. (even though he said he’ll never drink again) Before halftime started he was being obnoxious and my daughter called the police because he was screaming at me and making threatening gestures like he was going to punch me. He was taken to jail and held with no bond because of a failure to appear warrent on a past DUI charge. He was also charged with child abuse and domestic violence. I haven’t spoken to him but I’m sure he will try to talk me into coming back home. I don’t want him to come home but I always seem to give in. My brother says I am an enabler. I think I might be co-dependent, buy the description doesn’t entirely match my situation. Can someone please tell me what is wrong with me?

  35. Hi. My husband is a cocaine addict, we just got married by our parents will we got married on January 23 so our marriage is one month old, he was an addict before we got married and on feb23 he told me he wanted a divorce but i didnt he said its all my fault that his doing drugs and he will stop doing drugs once we get divorced but i dont want to leave him i cant say that i already love him cause i dont i just dont want to leave his side. He doesnt hurt me physically but my emotions are crushed by him he doesnt treat me like his wife he only sees me when it comes to sex and im afraid of having sex with him cause his doing drugs it might affect my body . what am i supposed to do im still young im 17years old myhusband is also 17 i cant think sstraigt in this young age but i have to for the sake of our marriage and our future family. Advice please

  36. Stormy and Boo,
    I apologize for the delayed response, I don’t always get notified of posts. Stormy, it sounds like he has a plan after rehab with this other guy and he can always move back to his state. Why do you feel responsible for him as he got himself into this situation, not you. You have probably done all that you can and as hard as this sounds there is a time you need to let go, for you, for your future and because you deserve better. I wouldn’t bring him smokes but let him deal with the situation he put himself in.
    Boo, you are right on when you say you need to toughen up. A man who you can’t live with and drinks and you support is not something you should feel bad about if you let him go. Why would you do all of this for him? What has he done for you? Even if you love him, you can’t allow him to treat you or the children this way. Even though we love someone, they can be so toxic that we have no choice but to leave so we can move on, heal, and have another chance at happiness.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  37. Yolanda,
    Things are really bad, it sounds like. You do not need to keep believing him because you know how you feel and he is simply feeding you lies. Please seek professional help, a therapist who specializes in addiction. I lost my home, my cars, everything with my daughter to start over and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Please pick up Hope Street, you are not alone. I wrote it to help people like you to understand that there is hope. I did it and so can you. Fear is part of the letting go process but the fear dissipates and you will be happy again when you make the choice that this life is not for you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  38. Hello All. I won’t bore with my story, it is so similar to everyone else’s-nearly 7 years with an alcoholic who at most has been sober for 6 months at a time. From day one he has been both an ogre and my love.

    There are dozens of incidents and stories, he has been violent more times than I can remember, I’ve feared for my life at times when he has strangled me or hit me (mostly, in the first few years) I’ve had to call the police for help and our children (now 15 and 16, one mine, one his) have witnessed too much. In the last few years he has been verbally aggressive and threatening to them (both girls) and finally I woke up and saw that he was targeting my daughter more and more-she was becoming a wreck herself.

    After only one binge event in 2015 I honestly thought that he had turned a corner, then he wiped out 2 solid weeks in the run up to Christmas 2015, he was drinking 2/3 bottles of whiskey/vodka a day plus spending all night in the pub, very, very heavy duty drinking, I thought he should be dead. The turning point came for me when I realised that I wished that he had! I was shocked but once in my head I couldn’t stop it.

    Somehow, I have managed to convince him that he will be happier with a bolt hole away from us, he agreed to let me help him rent a house 1/2 hour drive away and moved in 6 days ago. I have not seen him since, he is drinking again, every day I suppose. His daughter was going to move with him and we were all going to share the two houses so that he could have space when he wanted it, and we could have a break from him when we needed it too (he is mentally unwell and even without drinking he is impossible to live with).

    He says he loves me, and I love him but our children need safety and peace so I am glad that he has moved out but I am worried about him now and can’t sleep, eat etc properly. It’s so stressful but even so, it’s better than when he’s here and the girls are so happy.

    He doesn’t work, never has and is entirely reliant on me for everything, this has happened because stress makes him drink so I have enabled this to happen by thinking that I was protecting him.

    Probably like everyone else, I love him, I hate him, I’m scared of him and scared for him but I love myself and my children more- I don’t know what to do next, it’s his birthday Feb 11th, do I leave him to face it alone or do I try to rescue him again? Also, we are due to go on holiday with his family on the 15th Feb, they know some, but not all of this, I really don’t want to upset his parents, they have suffered so much but I know that I need to toughen up.

    It’s all so difficult but thank you to all the stories on here, they have helped to remind me that I am not alone and I deserve to be happy and be myself again.

    Love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  39. My husband is an addict an alcoholic. He went to 30 day rehab (graduated October 2015) and when he got out soon after he got a job. With that job he started smoking pot, and drinking with the fellas. I was convenienced that 1 drink and pot isn’t bad. I knew deep down it was but just let him do it cause it was better than what he was. 2 months later he’s stealing my mom’s pain meds again and drinking the hard stuff. He was dropped off at a shelter last night and said he was going to long term rehab but was angry. This morning I answered a phone call… he needs a razor, shaving cream, and smokes (cause the ones I bought him yesterday he’s out). Then tells me he met someone, Chris, and they are fast friends. They are going to get jobs and get an apartment together. He wants me to bring him smokes. What should I do or could be doing? He’s from another state. He’s alone. He’s now homeless. I feel responsible for him.

  40. Is it wrong to want to get a divorce? I’ve been married 13 yes to a meth addict. Off and on. We have 4 kids. I answered yes to every question you asked. I am no longer me.

  41. Hello I have been married to my husband for 13 yes on Saturday. He is a meth addict. I have been by his side all these years. He’s been in and out of jail, programs, and even hospitaliezed due to an accident. He was doing good after that. We now have 4 kids together and own a home. He started using again. This time he’s trying to get me to use and I seem to get blamed for everything. I get him up for work and I try to makes sure he leaves on time, but when hes running late cause I can’t wake him up he yells at me. I get his clothes and start the car. He tells me to call or text his boss if he’s late or not coming in. I finally stood my ground and we’ve been arguing more lately. He calls me names and makes me feel like I am going crazy and me waking him up is part my responsibility if I wanna keep our house. I don’t work, I don’t have friends they don’t wanna come over cause he makes them uncomfortable. Family doesn’t know. I feel my whole life is a secret. I recently told him I am done living like this and I wanted out. He said now all of a sudden I have a problem and I am crazy and don’t know what I am talking about. I am wrong and I need to appreciate the things I have. How can I not be happy with all these things in our life and if I would just do what he says everything would be fine. Am I wrong for feeling trapped, unhappy and wanting a divorce?

  42. Amanda,
    The book does different things for different people in different situations. It is meant to inspire but a lot of times, like I once hoped, that at the end the addict recovers and all is well. That is rarely the case as you have seen firsthand, so yes, that can be dissapointing but it’s very real. I probably did it more for Sage than for me. Everyone has their own path and I pray you find yours. Good luck.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  43. Hello . I found this blog about a month ago. I could really relate to what was being said on here. However prior to getting on this blog i did already identify with my issues and knew i was codependent. I have been going to celebrate recovery in hopes that this maddness would stop. I have read your book amanda. Hope street. I was really excited to buy it and i actually had that as a wish for my birthday that my boss baught for me. I was super excited to get the book. I waited one week and when it came i couldnt wait to read it. I was disappointed. But then i had to take a step back and remember its not my life and you can write however you choose. I will say that your a strong person for doing what u needed to do for sage and yourself. It takes alot of courage to remove yourself from a toxic enviroment. I met my boyfriend at church he was a recovered addict and we were young. He fell back into drugs and i already had a son. We soon would have a miscarriage and then a daughter and moving every six months was normal. He was in and out of programs. Jail. And would abandon us for weeks at a time. Never answered the phone.would actually throw his phone away or sell it. Five years of craziness. I think going to my self discovery class has helped me and allowed me not to be codependent or be afraid for make those boundaries. He was finally put out on the streets. Was out there for one month until the police arrested him for being drunk in public and he went to jail did his time and is in a program. There still isnt any room for him to even think hea coming home until he graduates from this program. This also gives me time to deal with me and my issues, restoring relationships with my family and enjoy my time with my children. Most effective thing that has worked for me was to pray and let go and let God. Thanks for letting me share..

  44. Linda, Kelly and Kam,
    Everything you describe is horrific and it is not easy to leave or explain unless you have been through it. I have, so I can tell you this, do you live yourselves enough to move on so that you can be happy because I can promise you this, if you stay, it will be more of the same. You will harbor more and more resentment and anger and eventually there will be so many layers that it will take forever to peel them away so the person you want to be can come out. I stayed for 12 years, loved him to the moon and back , had a child with him, a home, a marriage but he remained the same because by staying I sent him the message that I would stay no matter what. I also deflected my own issues, insecurities and lack of self-live by putting him and his addiction first, before my own well-being. So I ask again, do you love yourself to the moon and back, enough to stop the insanity , heal and forge ahead to have the life you want for yourself, regardless of what he is doing????

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/vide

  45. Hello to all that reads this, I thought I was the only one that was going through this wicked ways of drug (cocaine powder) an alcohol missory of life (the devil). My husband and I have been together for 7yrs an I had no clue of the coke thing, I know he drank, he was separated from a obnoxious, loud an over bearing wife when we met. So much drama I told him we would try again after he took care of that situation an went my way, a coulpe yrs later we ran into each other on the high way, needless to say we got back together agin. Well ever thing came to lite with him snorting cocaine an drinking out all night some times 2 or three nights, the lieing is out of this world, rent not getting paid or ant other bill an will swear that he paid it…… I have yelled, screamed, go out looking for him you name it I did it, till one day I sat in the garage an he came home hi an I said I didn’t care no more but there will be a day he will come home an I will be gone, he takes everything for granted an thinks it going to be OK a few days later to go back to it all over again, I think if I leave him he going to die from doing or someone for money. It’s nothing but booking promises, I told him I wasn’t paying no more of his bills or child support trying to help him out but no more…. I’m so ready to walk away, but I know he can be a better person I love him to the moon an back

  46. Hi,
    In researching what in tarnation has stolen my awesome husband away from me and replaced him with an unhappy, angry a majority of the time, scary-skinny, hollow looking alien that is always getting angry, loosing his patience and accussing me of everything horrible and wrong under the sun that one could imagine and I actually learned that I may have unconsciously helped create this ugly shell of my husband monster.
    I guess this was just what I needed to find and read tonight as I sit alone, sobbing and pondering “where could it all have gone so wrong?”, on the eve of My Christmas 2015.
    If you would have tried to warn me just two short years ago that my Christmas and all other family holidays, were going to turn out just as sad n lonely, I would have fallen down laughing so hard at the pure ridiculousness in that.
    Two years ago today, although we basically spent most of it apart with our respective families, with the intent of letting all know that the Holidays to come from now on were going to have to be somewhat amended, was simply the most wonderful and best christmas of my life thus far, if only I had known what I know now.
    Never before have either one of us met another who’s family also choose to celebrate on the eve rather then the day. One of many handfuls of positive, at least I thought, signs that it was meant to be, we were put in the others path for reasons beyond our control. At least its my beliefs, we learn, follow, count on and so much more in tune with others for many reasons beyond what we think. I think my husband and I were destined to cross paths at any point or time in our lives no matter what and that we were meant to have some sort of a relationship, friendship, family or love, that didn’t matter yet. He is the yang to my ying, the black to my grey, blue ro my purple and the down to my up, he is my life’s soul mate and perfect orher half of me and I will always be incomplete without him.
    I was my happiest as long as he was getting happy, feeling adored and cared for, I hope at some point he evwn felt better than a King. His happiness was my main life goal now and I would have moved mountains and hilltops just to see him smile and look so tender and amazingly loving at me. His touch gives me bumps that run up and down my spin when his hand reaches around and cups the back of my neck.
    I believed him and in him more then he will give me credit for, so much so that I convinced myself that he didn’t have a problem and isnt sick, he is self medicating and has control of it. WRONG Kelly! Oh such a wrong choice and the exact place where it all started to go wrong and the building of a monster began.
    Each and every time I attempt to have a conversation with him about anything to do with me or our marriage, he shuts down, activates the defence and turns the tables back on me instantly. I have found out now that this is a demented thank you gift from his ugly current lust and love, Chemically merged together poisons destined to kill and will, from the inside out. My husband would rather suck the vapors of “Ice” from his burnt up glass pipe than live at home with me anymore.
    I knew the he he was now had wanted to leave for some time now. I finally cleared a good portion of the cloud I had allowed to envelope around me and stopped just letting him talk to and treat me any way he liked, while not even allowing me to speak his name because I am always talking him down or dogging him out.
    Now he is spending Christmas an hour and a half away wirh family that loves and supports him and I’m hoping and praying he does rhe right thing, while reminding myself that just a few hours earlier in his last email exchange with me he claimed he didn’t think he has a problem and was tired of always being the one taking blame and sacrificing everything in his life. He didnt get his way so he then laahed out and took it out on me and in his final words he said to me, “Sorry I dont want to live down there anymore, thanks kelly I have nothing, gave up everything and all you do is lie and lie, and hid everything”,
    Now the full historical story would take too long, so I wont even attempt at that, but know, he didnt want to work for someone else anymore, so no problems I already have the bills covered, which I had for the past 10 years before him. Tried to help him start up a Handyman business, he resents me and says I treat him like a slave and take all his money. He demanded a ride to visit his mothers grave during his episode yesterday, so of course I jump in the car and get him there. Long story short, now hes there and Im here lonely missing him wishing I could convince myself he was just as lonely and miss me just as much, but at this point in his life, I know it isnt true, he’s either consumed wirh anger at me for being so mean to him, or he is consumed with where his next dose will come from and when it will come or how will he get it, one way or another, he’s thinking about her toxic high, not me and my loving touch.
    Hmm, I think all I really needed to do was get that out somehow because I know where and what I did wrong and have already been receiving great support, I just hadn’t released or really processed any of my emotions yet.

  47. I do believe I’m codependent because so much of the time I feel like I’m doing what’s best for him (the alcoholic) by taking care of things for him when in reality, he could do these things for himself. I’ve told friends that he was spoiled when we got married by his Mom and my mistake was picking up where she left off. But, because of his drinking which has affected my happiness with our marriage and after being married for 41 yrs, I have felt like it was my duty as his wife to tolerate his behavior. But, the drinking has always been a wall between us and I do realize I can’t stop him from drinking, it has to be his decision. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of a happy marriage because he has chosen to not do things that I truly enjoy doing such as attending church and activities that happen there. So, most of the time I’ve learned to go by myself so I don’t miss out on what I enjoy. But, because he chooses to not do these things with me, I sometimes ask myself, what do I need him for and why do I keep tolerating his behavior? And, because of his heart condition that he has developed @ 66 yrs. old, his doctors are telling him, he should quit drinking. But, here again, he has chosen not to. It’s really hard to watch a spouse that you really care for, slowly but surely destroy themselves with alcohol. He denies that he’s an alcoholic because he has remained a functioning alcoholic, being able to work even after he has been hung over from the night before drinking too much. Please tell me what do you think that I should do. I’ve attended several Alanon meetings and know that I have to work on changing and taking care of me but that is really difficult continuing to live in the same home with him. Should I just keep working on letting it go and concentrate on living my life as I should to have peace and contentment and not be so concerned about him and his behavior.

  48. We’ve been married for 8 months now and this is the 2 time he has been on drugs and left out with no call or telling anyone and left not getting notified for two/ three weeks when he’s in a rehab. He takes no accountability and comes at me

  49. yayaly910,
    It is really hard to move on from someone you know is self destructing and you cannot help them despite your best efforts. You made the right decision because enabling him will only prolong his addiction. He will use as long as he can until he decides enough is enough. For him rock bottom may mean being homeless but you cannot control that. You have to love him but let him go. It would be helpful to find a therapist and work through these feelings as well as a support group like al-anon or a local community support group. Right now it is okay to grieve but eventually you will want to move on with your life and you need to deal with this first.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  50. Hi. Please help me. My husband is a drug addict. When he’s out he comes home late, leaving me taking care of the children. I do things alone that we should be doing together. I want him to change cause I know he was once a good man. :'(

    1. Hi Keenley. I suggest you call the helpline number displayed on our site. You can speak to our trusted treatment providers and get informed about the best treatment approaches that will help your husband with his addiction problem.

  51. Lili,
    I do not think you can focus on him or anyone else right now but your own sobriety. Easy to say when you have children but you may have to enlist some support from family and friends. I am more concerned about you, working, being a mother and everything else you do while feeding your own addiction. If your husband does not want to go for help and you are using, who is going to really care for the children? You have a lot on your plate and by being addicted yourself only increases the stress and struggle.
    You can break free and get the help you need. You have to want it for you and especially for your children. Please do not give up. Find the resources through this site or your local hospital to help you get into a program. You know what you need to do and I know the only way the insanity will stop is if you help yourself and extricate yourself from your husband if he does not do the same and stick to it. You know firsthand no person can make an addict change and you have not hurt him by letting him go, you are just at a place where him being in your home was completely toxic to you and to your children. This was not a safe situation. Focus on getting help for you now.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  52. Kay,
    You are definitely not helpless and you should not keep this to yourself. The longer you hold this in and deal with it all by yourself is as long as those toxic emotions will eat away at you. You have to look out for your emotional and physical health and it is hard to take care of yourself when you are dealing with this situation. Also, this is a big part of who your husband is and if he does not get the right help, then that is not your fault nor your responsibility. I hope you get some support for you, try al-anon, therapy and/or a local support group. Confide in friends and family you trust and HIS PARENTS. You are not alone in this and an intervention might be in order. You will need help and I would recommend creating boundaries and sticking to them. Keep reading the other articles here, there are a lot of useful tips on how to deal with addiction and take care of yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  53. Hi Amanda

    I have never told anyone my story as I embarrassed of the way I handled things from the very first day I caught my husband using Meth again. I met him when I was just 17 (I’m 31 now) and I have loved him since and believe I always will. We were a big group of friends who all started using, most of us “grew out” of it but some struggled harder. My husband (then on off boyfriend) was one of those 3. He was in and out of Jail, eventually lived on the streets (even though his father was a millionaire) and I lost contact with him for about a year, when I fell pregnant (not from him) and decided to live a good clean life and raise my boy the way I was raised. My husband then contacted me when he was released from Jail and rehad and wanted to marry me, we got married (against all odds) had my second baby boy and we blossomed from there…things just got better and he was a wonderful, hard working and loving husband, dad and step dad. Until 5 years into our marriage, he started to work a job that destroyed our family bond. He worked 19 days on the trot then had 2 days off and so it went on for 2 years. It was at this point that he started using again. When I caught him I tried to be hard and told him its us or the drugs and when it appeared he wasn’t going to choose us, I gave in and allowed him to use for another 2 months (that’s what he said he needed). 2 weeks into knowing and watching this, I made the biggest mistake of my life, I started to use too! No one knows I use, nor does anyone suspect that I do, I manage to cope with a highly pressured management job as well as being mom, maid, and wife and I don’t mean to put a feather in my cap, but I actually do it well, considering my husband does absolutely nothing now and I just found out he is smoking mandrax now too. He does nothing with us anymore, he sleeps most days away and lives at night and all I do it cry, shout moan etc…in the past 6 months he started to abuse me physically too. I have even had my arm broken and my 2 little boys have witness many beatings. I was so insecure in the first year and a half and I just ran after him and begged and pleaded him to stay but the past 6 months (when the abuse started) I started to verbal abuse him to defend myself. I literally spit venom at him and it hurts me deeply because I actually just wish I could take him in my arms like a baby and make him better. My husband’s mom died when he was just 15 of cancer and he literally watched her die and was then left to live with his father, who was estranged to him, that did not set a very good example of how a man should live and love his wife. So when he was good to us (the first 5 years) it was even more special because no one expected that. I however believe today that he took on a narsistic persona when his mom died to protect himself from dealing with the pain (he never did) and today he is extremely selfish and has extreme symptoms of narcissism (not sure if I’m right as to where is started – or if this is just drug addict behaviour) however, I found the courage to leave him last week but I am struggling to cope with the guilt that I left him and he is going to go to the gutters cos he has no one but me and I could I since who am I to judge as I’m an addict too (but behave normal – unless around him), but I don’t think I can get myself clean while with him and I know I must because my boys need me and I am damaging them staying in this marriage. I feel like I loose either way…if I stay married to him I loose my boys eventually and myself I lost already ( I was a great mom and lived a full happy life before this drug) and if I go, I make a stand but what’s it worth if I loose him whom I love – but he is not my Wes anymore, he is someone else, but he still looks like my Wes so its hard to remind myself that my old Wes is gone. When I look into his eyes I pray that i would get a climpe of that honest loving man again, but they are far away and empty. i also feel like i must get away from him because my verbal abuse is destroying him more but i don’t know how to be nice anymore cos everytime i am nice he hurts me so badly with his lies and manipulation. i am not sure what i am even asking you now…but if you have any advise for me, anything would be appreciated. Thanks

  54. My husband and I have been together for 5 years now, he is a sweet, funny and loving guy but behind all those nice smile and hazel eyes is a drug addict and alcoholic man. He said, he’s been doing it since he was 19 yrs. old and he’s 36 now. His addiction is on and of, the longer he can stay sober and clean is up to 2 months. There’s always this hope that one day he can change, but every time dark clouds embody his thoughts or any disappointments in our lives, Alcohol and cocaine are his companion. What should I do? His parents doesn’t know that he’s back in to drugs again, I can’t break their heart. They suffered too much already, but what about me? I can’t tell no one, I am co dependent in our marriage base on how it was described. I never tried any kind of drugs. I am scared of leaving him that he might kill himself by doing drugs, I feel helpless!

  55. Melissa,
    If he has nothing, then he can check in to a hospital detox and they will place him in a program. He needs to address the panic, anxiety and depression because it is probably why he is self-medicating. Even if there is a charge and I am sure there will be a sliding scale if you have little or income but either way, he needs help and owing money is the least of your problems. A hospital will not deny him so I would start with taking him there to the Emergency Room and get him into a detox.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  56. Leo J.,
    You need to go with your gut here, past experience and trust your instincts even though they can become clouded by all the lies and manipulation. You have to do what is right for you and for your children and take that road. It may never be that she stays clean or perhaps she will but your ultimatums and persistence will not help fix her. She has to come to this decision on her own and it is a difficult one. She has been clean but why does she keep going back? She needs to figure out what is calling her back to drugs? Is it a chemical imbalance, depression, a mental illness, or a void in her life, but that is her road not yours. You can create boundaries for you and stick to them if she is not keeping them, this is important for the safety of your children. Caring for children under the influence of meth is not a safe environment for a child. You can seek an interventionist, a drug counselor and marriage counselor and possibly support from your priest, pastor, reverend or so forth. But it all comes down to you, what you know you need to do and don’t let the addict cloud your better judgement.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  57. Feel miserable finally kicked my addict boyfriend out and he’s still doing what he does. I feel so guilty I’m afraid they will knock on my door to say he’s dead or he ends up homeless. Everyone has already turned their back I was all he had but I can’t continue to try and hold him up if he doesn’t want to. I wanna get rid of the guilty feeling and stop crying and being emotional just knowing what he’s going to become. How can I keep myself from thinking about his demise…

  58. I’ve been in a relationship ship with an alcoholic for almost 2 1/2 years we have a 1 year old boy together. I have my own place with our son. But I have been basically caring for my son’s father since I met him.. he’s a good man with history of severe abuse as a child and now suffers from anxiety, panic attacks and depression. He is the smartest most compassionate loving person when he’s sober but we cannot afford help for him. He needs In patient help before we lose him forever. We don’t know what to do he’s cried when he’s sober how he hates himself and his addiction and wants to change. But it’s almost impossible to find the help he needs and still be able to take medication to help with the other things. What do I do??

  59. In 2012 I met the woman that I am currently married to. She worked at Sonic and had a beautiful smile. I hit on her and we exchanged numbers. She told me that she was a Meth addict within the first week of us starting to talk, but claimed she had been clean for a while.
    I was always a “good” kid, had my first beer when I was 20 lost my virginity at 18, never dreamed of touching narcotics…. I had a couple of failed relationships with women that grew up with lives similar to mine, I thought I’d give this girl a shot…. After all, I had a good job and my own house at the age of 24, I had lots to offer her and if I could give her a life that her ex-husband didn’t then she would love me deeply and wouldn’t need the drugs anymore…. WRONG! I moved her in within a couple months of dating, she had this crummy apartment… Within 3 months of living with me she quit her job at Sonic and she promised she would have a job by the weekend. That didn’t happen either…. We broke up a number of times over the next 2 years, she wouldn’t let go of her old friends and was on and off the drugs throughout…
    I sought out the attention of a woman that was the opposite of the addict I had come to love. I never slept with her but I was emotionally unfaithful. That only gave her ammo against me when we would fight.
    The last time we broke up I had found out she was using again and I was going to take our daughter. We got back together after she appologized to me, then she messed up within the month. Then she was off to rehab, gone 6 months, I tried to move on but didn’t have any luck… when she got back this February, she was changed, christian, god-loving and full of love and hope and determination. She was even nice to me. We got married in April…. she relapsed a month ago, I found out, we had a big fight, I asked her to get help… she didn’t get help but cleaned up for a couple weeks and then a week ago she started using again. Lies, sneaking around while I was working my shift-work job…. I took her car, phone and internet and took the kids to grandparents houses. I told her she needed to go back to rehab but she refused because she didn’t want to miss another 6 months from her kids. I told her I couldn’t trust her and she couldn’t have the car or the phone back until she got clean… She left… walked across town to her grandparents house, said she stopped at the cemetery to see her great grandma’s grave… prayed and that she was feeling good about quitting and she just needed God…. I’m afraid it will be like all the other times and she wI’ll quit long enough to get back in the house and get her car and phone back…. I’m not sure if I should just cut my losses now or if I should give her another chance.. it’s starting to wear on me emotionally, I have anger that I’ve never had before…. I want to be happy… but I’m afraid I’ll leave her and she’ll get her shit together and be the woman that I know she can be and it will be too late for us… I feel like the only way she’ll get clean is if I walk away. I just don’t know what to do.

  60. Nicole,
    Thank you for sharing your story. None of this is easy, I know, I was with an addict for 12 years, through marriage and the birth of our child. Other people are just trying to help and want to see you happy. However, you need to tune everything out and really come to a decision on your own. What do you want to do? If you understand that you will not be able to change him, where does that leave you? How much longer can you go on like this? What are some things you can do to make a change in your life? Keep asking questions. It would be a good idea for you to understand your role in his cycle of addiction so that you may come out of it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  61. Hi. My husband has been addicted to marijuana for 24 years and was an amphetamine addict for 17 years quit for four five years but recently took amphetamines three weeks ago on at least two different occassions. I am at my wits end he alway promises he will quit pot but never follows through. He spent a substantian amount of our money on speed. And I am worried he still has an addiction to strong to quit for life. If I go at him about it he threatens me physically but he has never actually been physical with me I still wonder could this be the time he does. He does however put me on a cycle of verbal abuse where he will be sorry for his actions promises he wont behave that way again but in about a week or so after things are so great between us, he verbally abuses me and I dont know how much more I can take before I crack. I have no one to turn to as my family and friends are quite conservative judgemental and protective

  62. Teagan,
    You sound like a strong person to be doing all that you are doing on your own. It is hard to let go of someone when you love the person they once were and you hope they can be again. It sounds like you do not want to give up and unfortunately there is not much help I can give you unless you are ready to move on with your life and take care of yourself.
    If he is out with friends getting high, getting arrested and not taking care of you and his children then there is not much you can do to make him change. He is not worrying about you and he is not being a responsible parent and so you are forced to to all the things alone, you should be doing together. It is time to take the energy you have and turn it towards you and your children. I can’t make that pain go away or the mail man drop a letter, but YOU can stop writing to him and write for yourself. I started a journal that helped me greatly as I was going through what you are right now. I turned it into a book to help other women. I turned a negative into a positive and I hope you find the strength to do the same. Let me know if you need anything. I am always here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  63. Hi darl i wana tell someone what im going threw an have advice my husband has goin to jail over dv becuz of drugs ive struggled two years to juat show him im hear for him we have kids together were a family butt his friends are most important to him when he gets out i wana be able to putt my foot down an have my head held high if he walks away over my goal i wana set for us. Ive bein to vist him once butt he stopped contact butt still rights to me i wake up every morning right him a letter i stair out my front door hopeing the mail man drops his letter to me. Crywen i look at these babys knwing he has hurt us cheated bashed me left us with nuthing i knw ththere’s a good man in him I’ve seen it i pray he comes out a better person for himself an us i have faith n hope becuz ive got a big heart. Thankyou for reading my story

  64. Hi Melissa,
    Yes. If you read my other articles here, they discuss a codependent relationship with an addict as co-addiction. Co-addiction is just another term for putting someone else and/or their addiction in front of your own needs. To learn more, simply click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and articles like; what is co-addiction?, 8 signs you are a co-addict, will come up to help you understand if you are facing this situation. I hope that helps.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

I am ready to call
i Who Answers?