Children: Co-addiction Does Not End With You
If you are in a relationship with an addict and children are involved (co-addiction relationships), you may need to deal with some consequences in the next generation. If you’ve started thinking, “I am married to an addict!”, or if your spouse has recovered or you removed your children from the situation and are in recovery, the psychological effects and learned behaviors experienced may not end with the co-addict and addict. The damage may reach as far as your offspring.
A double-edged sword
On one side, children of addiction may be genetically predisposed to addictive behaviors and were most likely exposed to the patterns of the addicted parent. On the other side, they also bear the genes of the co-addicted parent and have most likely witnessed their unhealthy behaviors as well. Behaviors children have witnessed from both parents may not have been necessarily healthy.
If a family is dealing with an actively addicted parent, then this could be considered a family in crisis. Although a crisis can be conquered, sometimes these times of crisis can last weeks, months, years, or even the entire span of a child’s life.
If I am in recovery does that mean my child is?
I finally left my unhealthy co-addictive marriage with my five year old daughter. We moved from a seventy-five hundred square foot home with five bedrooms and six baths, into a one bedroom, one bath, we now had to share. Life was different not just on the inside but on the outside as well.
I remarried, and started a wonderful new family. I felt free for the first time. I had no connection with my ex-husband and therefore, he had no influence on my daughter anymore. I changed my unhealthy patterns. My daughter never spoke of her father and excelled in school. She looked happy and seemed to be thriving. I thought everything was fine. We made it through…a clean break!
I left my husband while my daughter was still young so I assumed she did not experience or see much. But one day I watched my daughter staring at another little girl with her father. I saw that there was a father-daughter connection she recognized but knew she was missing. Exposing her to her father, still an active addict, was not the right choice,but I needed her to be able to open up about how she was feeling. I sent her to a community program that helped children of addicted parents. I knew that her walking away unscathed was not possible, but how much more she needed I was unaware of. As it turned out, she saw everything; she knew things that I thought I protected her from.
Setting a good example and moving forward is the best route to take in breaking the cycle of addiction, but there may be psychic scars, emotional voids, and unhealthy behavior patterns your child may still be living with.
6 things you can do for your child
1. Be open and honest.
Be open and honest with your child without disclosing all of the dirty details. Make sure they know the lines of communication are open. Sometimes asking them over and over again how they are, might help them open up. Showing you care about them and how they feel is a great way to support them and show them they matter. It is more than likely their needs were pushed to the side for the addicted parent and rebuilding trust and faith in you as a parent is very important.
2. Lead by example.
If you and your spouse continue the cycle of addiction, it is more than likely that is all they will know. If you set a good example, exhibit healthy behaviors, and lead a happy life, they will likely follow. Children take cues from their parents; if a parent is constantly angry, depressed or worried, this will affect a child’s ability to feel like a child. If you get help, this is a great start.
3. Maintain friends and activities.
Try and maintain friendships for them. Allow them to be around other children, play, and most of all, act like children. In an age of play dates, sometimes this is not always easy, so buddy up with a friend and one day you watch their child and the other they can watch yours. Find a friend who will understand your situation and if something comes up, drop them at a friend’s house rather than see you go through a tough situation.
4. Find community support.
There are countless numbers of programs for children of addicted parents. Help is out there. These programs are designed to address the issue of addiction gently and allow children to open up to their feelings about what they have experienced in a safe environment.
5. Seek therapy
Even if you think your child is perfectly untouched by your situation, sometimes it is a good idea to have a professional double check. A lot of times, children will be strong for their parents. They will not tell their parents how they feel like they will tell an unbiased party. I learned a lot about how my daughter really felt after sending her to a therapist.
6. Dance!
Dance, wiggle, shake, and sing with your children. Dance with reckless abandon. Show them a good time. Experiencing happiness and fun with you will let them know you are okay and if they see you are happy and okay, they might follow suit.
Just because you are okay, does not necessarily mean your children are. Children are sponges. They absorb everything that goes on around them. It is never too late to stop them from repeating the same cycle of addiction they grew up in. You can take action now and help them heal, grow and flourish.
Children: Co-addiction Does Not End With You
If you are in a relationship with an addict and children are involved, you may need to deal with some consequences in the next generation. If your spouse has recovered or you removed your children from the situation and are in recovery, the psychological effects and learned behaviors experienced may not end with the co-addict and addict. The damage may reach as far as your offspring.
A double-edged sword
On one side, children of addiction may be genetically predisposed to addictive behaviors and were most likely exposed to the patterns of the addicted parent. On the other side, they also bear the genes of the co-addicted parentand have most likely witnessed their unhealthy behaviors as well. Behaviors children have witnessed from both parents may not have been necessarily healthy.
If a family is dealing with an actively addicted parent, then this could be considered a family in crisis. Although a crisis can be conquered, sometimes these times of crisis can last weeks, months, years, or even the entire span of a child’s life.
If I am in recovery does that mean my child is?
I finally left my unhealthy co-addictive marriage with my five year old daughter. We moved from a seventy-five hundred square foot home with five bedrooms and six baths, into a one bedroom, one bath, we now had to share. Life was different not just on the inside but on the outside as well.
I remarried, and started a wonderful new family. I felt free for the first time. I had no connection with my ex-husband and therefore, he had no influence on my daughter anymore. I changed my unhealthy patterns. My daughter never spoke of her father and excelledin school. She looked happy andseemed to be thriving. I thought everything was fine. We made it through…a clean break!
I left my husband while my daughter was still young so I assumed she did not experience or see much. But one day I watched my daughter staring at another little girl with her father. I saw that there was a father-daughter connection she recognized but knew she was missing. Exposing her to her father, still an active addict, was not the right choice,but I needed her to be able to open up about how she was feeling. I sent her to a community program that helped children of addicted parents. I knew that her walking away unscathed was not possible, but how much more she needed I was unaware of. As it turned out, she saw everything; she knew things that I thought I protected her from.
Setting a good example and moving forward is the best route to take in breaking the cycle of addiction, but there may be psychic scars, emotional voids, and unhealthy behavior patterns your child may still be living with.
6 things you can do for your child
1. Be open and honest.
Be open and honest with your child without disclosing all of the dirty details. Make sure they know the lines of communication are open. Sometimes asking them over and over again how they are, might help them open up. Showing you care about them and how they feel is a great way to support them and show them they matter. It is more than likely their needs were pushed to the side for the addicted parent and rebuilding trust and faith in you as a parent is very important.
2. Lead by example.
If you and your spouse continue the cycle of addiction, it is more than likely that is all they will know. If you set a good example, exhibit healthy behaviors, and lead a happy life, they will likely follow. Children take cues from their parents; if a parent is constantly angry, depressed or worried, this will affect a child’s ability to feel like a child. If you get help, this is a great start.
3. Maintain friends and activities.
Try and maintain friendships for them. Allow them to be around other children, play, and most of all, act like children. In an age of play dates, sometimes this is not always easy, so buddy up with a friend and one day you watch their child and the other they can watch yours. Find a friend who will understand your situation and if something comes up, drop them at a friend’s house rather than see you go through a tough situation.
4. Find community support.
There are countless numbers of programs for children of addicted parents. Help is out there. These programs are designed to address the issue of addiction gently and allow children to open up to their feelings about what they have experienced in a safe environment.
5. Seek therapy
Even if you think your child is perfectly untouched by your situation, sometimes it is a good idea to have a professional double check. A lot of times, children will be strong for their parents. They will not tell their parents how they feel like they will tell an unbiased party. I learned a lot about how my daughter really felt after sending her to a therapist.
6. Dance!
Dance, wiggle, shake, and sing with your children. Dance with reckless abandon. Show them a good time. Experiencing happiness and fun with you will let them know you are okay and if they see you are happy and okay, they might follow suit.
Just because you are okay, does not necessarily mean your children are. Children are sponges. They absorb everything that goes on around them. It is never too late to stop them from repeating the same cycle of addiction they grew up in. You can take action now and help them heal, grow and flourish.
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