Should I stay with my addicted or alcoholic husband?

If you choose to stay with an addicted or alcoholic husband, things have to change. Learn how to make the first step in living a life a recovery from codependency here.

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Choosing to stay with an addicted spouse

By Michelle Lisa Anderson

It is so difficult to watch the man you love slowly kill himself. You love him deeply and the idea of ever leaving him seems almost impossible. What would you do without him? Where would you go? How would you survive? And besides, isn’t that cruel? To turn your back on someone who is slowly killing themselves.

Besides, he is not bad all the time. Every now and then you see a glimmer of hope of he man you feel in love with. The charming, thoughtful, and kind man you know he was created to be. How could you walk away from the man you know he can become?

Here is the truth: you can’t leave him. Not really. But you know in your soul that being with him is damaging yours. You have family and friends telling you to leave him and asking you, “How can you put up with that?”. And a part of you knows they are right. Because in those dark moments of despair when he lies passed out or didn’t come home again, you feel crazy for staying.

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You can’t leave him because you are still protecting him. You still pick up after him, do his laundry, make his appointments. Everyday you balance the role of mother and lover, depending on his mood and needs.

And his needs always come first. When he is upset or angry – you stop everything to take care of him. To nurture him. A part of you loves to feel needed., to pick up the pieces for him hoping to get some recognition and an apology.

Start your own recovery

So don’t leave. Not today or even tomorrow. Forgive yourself for not doing what everyone is telling you to do, and stay with him. Keep loving him. But if you ever want to be able to feel some sense of self worth you must start your own recovery and end co-addiction.

He is not the only one who needs treatment. His drinking and drug use is not just his issue to solve. It’s yours too. You are codependent. And that makes you an enabler. Don’t believe me? When you nag him or yell at him – you are feeding this horrible disease that is taking over your life. You are enabling. When you give him the silent treatment and refuse to talk to him until he tells you what you want to hear – you are enabling.

Don’t let your loved one suffer.
Addiction responds to treatment. Call us to get started.

Yes, you are sick too. And anyone who has spent one second in your shoes would be too. This is an awful disease that takes over the life’s of the man who is drinking and using drugs and from those who love him.  If you are asking yourself when to leave an addict, the answer might be that it’s time for you to get help.

You are not alone and there is hope for a bright, joyful future. But if you want different results you must start making different choices. Your health and spiritually must come first. When you start setting healthy boundaries your self-esteem will improve. It’s important to remember your dreams and

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So, let’s agree that we are not going to focus on staying or leaving because we both know that it’s just not that simple. Instead, let’s choose to put our needs, dreams and health first. Let’s focus on ourselves and not his drinking. Make a commitment that your recovery will come first. You can’t control if he drinks or uses drugs but you can control your reactions.

Stay or leave?

Please leave your story or questions about living with an addicted husband below. We’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly.

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recovery today.
About the author
Lee Weber is a published author, medical writer, and woman in long-term recovery from addiction. Her latest book, The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions is set to reach university bookstores in early 2019.


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  1. Thank you for being here. I am married to a very high functioning alcoholic. I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him, but made him get a clean bill of health before we married (second time for both of us… both over 50). His doctor, who was a friend, told him to cut back a little on drinking but otherwise declared him healthy. Three years ago he found out he had liver disease. Every doctor told him to stop or he would be dead in a few years but he won’t.

    I get mad when he drinks because of his condition. I am crazy about him and don’t want to leave but his drinking has taken its toll. I do believe I am enabling him. He is an overachiever…. holds a powerful position, very educated and is never violent but I know the drinking is killing him. When I threaten to leave (I’ve left on two occasions for one night each and was accused of cheating) he says he’ll quit but then things smooth over and it’s back to the bar. Admittedly, we live a very, very fun life in a major city. Going out is always fun with him. There are times when I think “Eff it” let him drink if we’re happy. I know if I left I will be miserable.

  2. I’m actually writing for my step daughter. Her mother is married for the 3rd time and he is an alcoholic. Things can be fine at their household, but as soon as he starts drinking the arguments and yelling begin. My stepdaughter has to see him push her mother several times and my stepdaughter was scared to death. Her mother is always sticking up for her husband and blaming his being mad on the kids. Her mother won’t leave him because she is convinced that that were put together so that she can help him. Problem is that she drinks with him and he has no consequences. They will occasionally take turns staying at a motel. He also has an 8 year old son that is around the cussing and screaming very loudly. Please help!!! I don’t want any kids in that environment and even though I don’t care for my stepdaughters mother, nobody deserves to be abused. Verbal or physical.

  3. My parnter has been an alcoholic for approx 9years. He can vary the amount he drinks and some days have none. When he is drinking, he likes to talk about how great he is, joke about and then fall alseep before 8pm. When he is has not been drinking he is on the sofa saying he doesn’t feel well. He believes the alcohol gives him energy.
    We have two older teenage daughters who live with us. I feel I do not want to give up on him because I think the drinking is due to mental health but I feel unloved and cared for and simply long to have someone to spend time with me.
    Tonight, I woke him to have his dinner and he was mumbling and it was just so sad. I certainly feel like his mum or carer than partner. Where is the magic wand?

  4. This December will be 3 years since I first wrote about my alcoholic husband. It is not 2 1/2 years since I divorced him. Since then, I got a great job, kept my house (fixed up the outside office and now rent on Airbnb) and have been healing my life!! I keep positive and wish for only good things to come into my life and pray all the time. Life has been fantastic! He moved back to NY and working for over one hear now and doesn’t drink. My daughter moved back to NY to go to school and he supports her and my son started college in FL. They are having a relationship with him but will never forget the horrible life we had when he lived with us. He always had a lot to offer, extremely smart and successful but there is something missing in him. He never apologized, or did the 12 steps. He’s buying his way back into the children’s life and I know that but I am glad he turned the corner as he was close to dying and it was my actions that forced him to move on and make the choices to change his life. He never apologized or thanked me till this day but that’s ok. I am making it on my own. I found a way to move on. I did a lot of self help and keep strong and positive. I’ve been through so much throughout the years living with his alcoholism but it wasn’t better to stay for the kids. I thought it was better to keep the family together but my children were affecgted negatively and have anxiety because of the life with their alcoholic dad. Yes, it is a sickness, but when you are sick, you get care to get better so an alcoholic can make the choice to get help. Don’t let them abuse you or your children. Talk with someone that understands. Family does not always understand unless they did the research. There is hope for you so don’t give up on your life. If you want to find a way, you will find a better life. Good luck.

  5. My partner of 16 years is an alcoholic. Believe it or not, I wouldn’t have labeled him as this 5 years ago. Denial. He’s been an alcoholic since I met him , I just didn’t know it or know what an alcoholic was. And what I thought an alcoholic was , wasn’t how he carried on. But boy was I wrong. He’s what you call a functional alcoholic ….most of the time. We have 6 children . He has tried to quit drinking once in 16 years, only lasted a few months and he was still drinking .5 beer, so perhaps this doesn’t count. He’s been physical abusive and is very mentally and emotionally abusive. He is the provider for our family and always justifies his drinking by saying he’s “earned “ it . It’s exhausting. Last week he told me how tired he was of it and that he wanted to quit smoking. He can’t go a week without getting completely wasted. He doesn’t usually drink at home. He will go out and not come home at night, then return home in the morning while confining to drink throughout the day. At the most this will last 3 days, but usually two days of drinking non stop and not eating. And then crashes for a couple days. Stays sober for 2-3 , 4 at most then start all over again. He finds friends in people who are fatherless or retired because everyone in between has families so he can’t hang out there for days. I don’t argue with him anymore. Only when he makes promises to me or the kids that the drinking interferes with. Otherwise I don’t even speak to him. He hates this. Maybe it’s immature on my part but there’s no rationalizing with him. Even when he’s sober. I know he has to want to stop and I can’t make him, believe me I’ve tried. So until then I’ll live in this repetitive cycle until he stops or I decide to leave. Which I do want to do but have a hard time trying to even think about me leaving with 6 kids! Maybe I’m making excuses . But I need to put my kids first, even before my happiness.

  6. Need help as to what to do with my alcoholic husband of 40 years. He has always been the center of everything e.g.from day one of our marriage he became ill and till now he is always complaining of being ill. I never get a chance to be ill. Even if I do get ill he cares two dams about it. Oh gosh there is so much to say. I just want some happiness and care for the time I have to live. That is all I am asking.

  7. While this all sounds easy to whomever wrote this article. It is not that cut and dry. My alcoholic husband is lost and scared. He is slowly killing himself. It is extrememy painful to watch but the generation he was brought up in men had to be strong. I know I will never have the man I married back but when I said my vows I meant them. I will continue to try and help him because I promised till death do we part. Maybe I am wrong but whether an addict or not. No one should die alone. This is a disease and I know he doesn’t want to be like this It has taken a lot of who I am away but after 42 years. I still love him more than I hate him.

  8. Thank you for this …. it’s helped me to breath a little …🙏 I get distraught with worry !! This has helped

  9. I have just recently left my alcoholic husband I have left him so many times and returned when my anger has calmed down. This time I will not return our home was on a yacht and living space was tiny I was unable to walk away when he was on his name calling abusive nights that was every night. The straw that broke the camels back was that he threatened to throw me over board and the waters we are in are remote and crocodile infested. So I guess that was a threat to kill me. So I am safe now at my daughters please tell me why I am missing him.

  10. Mariana
    At least you found out early what alcoholics are capable of. Imagine living with or being married to one every day. It is – I cannot find the words. I do not tell people what to do – but, I have no problem in sharing my story – maybe there is something in my story – that someone will be Blessed with.

  11. Ive been in a long distance relationship with an alcoholic for a year and a half. Somehow he knows how to fill me up more than any other man around me, his good side kicks the hell out of his addiction, but when his addiction comes i feel like i am the loneliest person in the planet. His addiction was not hurting me except in the way that i knew he was destroying himself, until a month ago we made the mistake on going on an all inclusive resort and drink got out of his hands, i couldnt control him, and he left me alone, one night just left to never come back. I dont knlw where he is or how, i only know i lost him go alcohol.

  12. Blessings to all again. NEVER date or marry an addict (alcohol or other drugs). Years ago, it was accepted “to drink” or whatever. There is too much informaton out there about the dangers of addiction. If you are reading this, these are mostly people who are in the beginning or middle of a possibly long-term relationship. Your Life is too precious to waste on an addict. I know of success stories with addicts and Prayerfully, that will happen to you. We all deserve to be happy and only you can make yourself happy. I have been separated for over a year but I am still getting abusive text message and calls from him and his alcoholic family or friend. You cannot make sense out of insanity. I know my husband is in extremely poor health but that is no excuse to harass or allow others to harass me. I have the comfort and respect of a new relationship/a new healthy man; but, when I get those texts and calls from my estranged husband, it is unnerving. I pray, email my pastor and get advice. You all deserve Peace and happiness. You did nothing wrong and you cannot make a person change. Clean your homes (literally and spiritually), pray over your homes and your loved ones unceasingly. Drugs are a demon.

  13. It’s helped me enormously to read everyone’s writing and stories and experience. I know that I myself am ill because I am so hyper vigilant, and focused on other rather than on myself. Self care is hard for me. I excuse myself from the exercise I need because I feel I have to focus on OTHER. I don’t always eat right or fix the healthy food that I need. I let myself get too worried, or too fixated on whether i should stay or leave. I can occupy alot of time on that one! where will I go? How will I survive financially? And where will I find a job. ( I work now in the family business, and I do all the house care, auto care, grocery shopping, errand running, pet care and bill paying as well) I need to stay firmly in the present moment, in the day and look at what are the things I legitimately need to attend to, and how can I do self care for myself. I’m in no danger. I do have everything I need at the moment. It’s just hard for me to watch the slow downfall of someone misusing prescription drugs.Someone Not being involved in life at all just sitting and watching TV all day long.
    I tell myself: each person is entitled to their choices. I am powerless over making anyone change. I don’t rage, criticize, or try to goad into action ( well maybe a little of the goading!). I do present my husband with the financial facts, and what earnings he must help generate for us to pay our bills. ( he only has to work a few hours a day) I don’t want to be the disciplinarian. My husband does not stray, gamble, act abusive, or spend money excessively. It’s just he contributes absolutely nothing except money to the family and lives in his own little world. His health is poor and he does nothing to improve it. He has no friends. He hardly calls his family. His room is a mess and he wouldn’t get dressed except I insist. And he takes prescription drugs to escape. He went through rehab once but never went to meetings afterwards or any kind of doctor visits afterwards. I have friends, go to 12 step meetings, talk to family (not about him) and have a horse to ride and a wonderful dog to hike with. I have financial worries but who doesn’t. I just often feel depressed and dull myself. I don’t wish I had a different husband just I wish I were alone or that he would recover and be his old self…… At any rate I intend to work on myself the best I can.

  14. Jackie – your post is on point – and very similar to what I went/am going through. My challenges are financial and family estrangement. A domestic violence advocate told me that families do not understand the dynamics of alcoholism somemtimes: “It’s difficult for people who are not surviving through abusive relationships to comprehend the power dynamics and intricacies of abusive relationships.” Even when I was married and did share some details about the alcoholism with my parents/sister, they supported his behavior and just think that I was difficult and that we just did not get along. This is my challenge now. The dating will happen. You are a good person and it is okay to still love your ex. I still love my ex as well but I hate what he did. I have a wonderful, young boyfriend who has been supportive. His family is supportive, as well. I applaud your strength as well as everyone going through this. Lean on your faith(s); stay healthy, eat well, exercise, etc. Time will heal. So hurtful when children are involved; but, they know who loves and cares for them and good therapy is like magic. Best.

  15. Blessings. To the latest people that posted: I welcome you to read my posts under “d” and “D”. I discovered this blog over 4 years ago and it has been very helpful. My alcoholic husband left me a year ago. In hindsight, our marriage was really never “good”, solely due to his alcoholism and related illnesses. We loved each other and we got married – second marriages for both – adult children. Before we married, I was abused by him and his alcoholic friends and family; and, now, in hindsight, I know he lied and did whatever to discredit me, to them. Rational thinking and behavior is not a part of alcoholism. If you are not an alcoholic, it can drive you crazy trying to figure out what to do, when to do it, can I afford to leave, etc. It is one of the worst relationships to be in. Although we are separated, the financial, emotional and family fall-out has been devastating. I have PEACE but have major economic challenges, although I am employed, due to the loss of income; but, I had economic challenges when I was with him also. The decision is a personal one for each of you and do not beat yourself up for staying or leaving or both. You have to take care of yourself; create a healthy life for yourself; you cannot make a grown man or woman “do the right thing”; alcohol is a powerful mistress, a legal drug – a cab driver once told me that is why it is called a spirit, in stores. Google the words “enable” and “co-dependency”; there are others. There is a video by Joel Osteen that was recently recommended to me about the power of “I Am…” and speaking and thinking positive words to yourself. It is very good. God Bless You.

  16. Well, I originally wrote to this site on Oct,11,2015. Life has dramatically changed. I am divorced and living on my own. I made the hardest decision of my life, to leave the man I love and I still do. I don’t have the house, vacations and companionship that I once had, but I traded in those items for new ones. I currently have the peace of mind that when I get a phone call, it won’t be him drunk on the other end. I am able to hear my children relax and be at ease at family occasions. I don’t have to worry about cheating, lies and nasty behavior anymore. I was afraid to leave but I couldn’t survive it any longer. It has been very difficult, living on my own, budgeting, and loneliness.But when I look back, I was experiencing those feelings all the time. He was never around, so I often was by myself. I am learning to manage my money now and I enjoy the calmness of my life. I am experiencing difficulties in the dating world. I am very scared to meet new people and for some ridiculous reason I feel like I am cheating on him. He has since moved on with a high school crush and will probably get married. He has no contact with our kids and is living the life of someone he used to make fun of. For those mothers out there, LEAVE. It will be difficult but you rely on the strength of those dear to you. My children have suffered mentally and I was unaware of the extent. They are in therapy but it heartbreaking to think I stayed because I thought it would be better and my kids were suffering. Family members don’t like me and they never will say it was his bad behavior that caused it. You must learn that you can’t change anyone minds, and you don’t have to. At the end of the night, four people really knew what went on in that house. Me, my two kids and the alcoholic. If you think someone needs mental health therapy, push for that. The alcohol numbs a feeling or realization that he didn’t want to face. Am I lonely? yeah, but I was lonely in he marriage. I will always love him but it was a feeling he didn’t know. You deserve more then making excuses for him, holding all your stress inside, and pretending everything is ok. Believe it or not, everyone around him smells the alcohol and notices the looks on your face and the children. They know something is wrong but it will never be discussed. For your sanity and the children, leave. It doesn’t make your love for him leave, it is just giving you back some serenity in your life. You have lived without it for so long…

  17. My husband is an alcoholic. I can’t afford to live on my own. I am almost 60. He is 65 and on social security. Any suggestions.

  18. Is it possible to set boundaries without threatening to leave? I know I enable my husband to be an alcoholic. A lot of it has to do with protecting my kids. We’ve been married 10 years and he has been an addict the whole time with varying intensity. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve fixed over and over again. I am desperate to know what to do. I do not want to leave. We are still very much in love. I just don’t know how to change my actions from enabling him.

  19. My husband is at rock bottom again for the fourth time. He knows he is sick and needs to detox. He does not want to go into rehab and wants to get better. Last time he detoxed at Home but it is so very hard to watch and very scary. It always seems to take two days of shaking and feeling like he is going to die. How do I help him move into this. I don’t think he can slow down first.
    Thank you for any help you could give me

  20. I have been living with an alcoholic and proscription dependent husband for 39 years and he refuses to go to get the help he needs at a rehabilitation center. I really want to stop enabling him. How can I stop?

  21. My husband drinks. the drinks vary but earlier it was hard liquor now it is beer. Currently the pattern is 6 beers in a day.
    I have taken him to a psychiatrist. He has been on his medication for 4 years but he drank even then, sometimes he took his pills with beer.
    I have put him in a rehab but felt horrible and pulled him out after 10 days.
    I have spoken to the psychiatrist and asked him if I leave him will it work but he advised against it as he said that my husband is sick and he needs help.
    I do exactly what you have mentioned. My son and I move around to suits his whims and fancy. I cannot have peace anywhere.
    I am independent but I am scared to go out as I am worried how many beers he will have because I am not around.
    I am tired.

  22. Well i do hope that this thread is still open. Ahhhh codependant a very powerful word. Yes i do believe that. Well my fiancee name is jennifer and she is an addict using hard drugs. Let me start by saying I love her very much. Sith that said I played a huge role in havibg her put back in jail rather than die. She walked out of our home one night to go to her step dad and mothers house to get high even after i begged on my knees not to go. She overdosed and almost died. I found out and went to beg her probation officer to violate her to save her life. Oh she was mad but as she sees now i did it out of love. I cannot allow her to kill herself without trying everything. Tjat was a few months ago and now she was placed into a residential treatment center in akron. I am sad but I feel that if she is serious about truly wanting to marry me she must do that sober. I am as Lebron James would say “All in” with her recovery for good. I love her very much and do not want to enable her i want to be the best man and husband i can be for her. I DO believe that addiction and codependancy is a real thing. I worry. I certainly have faith and hope and truly believe that as the book of Isaiah teaches us, “out of the Darkness there is LIGHT”. I will attend any meetings i am allowed to attend either alone or with her. I believe this phase or time is vastly important for the rest of our lives together. I want to know and need to know that the idea of marriage is not just replacement therapy replacing the loss of dopamine. I need to know that its real. I guess now that sje is not just in jail but in recovery we shall see her true feelings as they come out. I love her very much and pray for her selflessly too. I want her to love life. I believe she loves me but loving herself must also come first. These court ordered recovery centers do not always work either. Plebty of people go and fail quickly upon their release saying anything to just get out. I have seen it happen so i do fear that she learns to love life enough to love herself first. Like tye old saying ” first comes love THEN comes marriage” right?

  23. My husband suffers from the disease of alcoholism. I am working on myself finally after years of trying to fix everything and abything that would set off his drinking. It was sheer madness. I am learning slowly but surely that I need my focus to be on me, I must stop enabling, blaming, name calling, crying, pleading, begging and bargaining. This disease is rithless and laughs at my attempts to tame it. My husband is a kind, generous, intelligent warm hearted man but this disease makes him into Jekyll and Hyde. Accepting he truly does not have control once he drinks is very tough. Understanding addiction is not easy. Knowing he truly lives me helps but him not embracing recovery and trying to moderate on his own is continually deflating. I am not sure if I will be able to stand strong and hold onto our marriage. Right now, in this moment, I hand him over to the faith in a higher power and pray that our paths continue to cross and that he one day finds recovery. My ultimate goal is for him to see and want help and for our marriage to become stronger from overcoming this battle. Realistically, I am nit counting on anything except to continue my own recovery.

  24. I first wrote on this blog on 1/22/15, 5/15/15 and 1/1/16. First time I reached out because I was devastated living with an alcoholic and how it was ruining all our lives. My daughter is now 20 and my son 17. We went through hell and back until he finally left last August. I got a great full time job and I paid off my lawyer (took a year) and I am trying to maintain my house. He, moved to NY and had ups and downs and supposedly stopped drinking in January this year. This March he became employed and in June I finally was able to collect child support for my son. It’s minimal but its something. I tried to help my alcoholic husband for many years. I stood by his side but our lives were miserable. I finally divorced last year and it was very difficult getting him out of the house but his family helped. I write now because he never once apologized to me or my children even after I nursed him last year, fed him and took care of him. He was always a snake and now that he is sober, he is still the snake he always was. I call it “devil in sheep’s clothing”. He’s extremely intelligent and charming and if you don’t know our history, you would think he’s this fantastic man. He wants my children to move to be with him but they don’t trust him. People don’t change. Don’t forget that. For: Phoebe…. you CANNOT change people. Know that now. If you believe your husband is an alcoholic start going to Alinon and get help from people who know about this disease. Your husband will only get worse and so will your life. Maybe your husband will see that you are getting help for his problem, then maybe his eyes will open. Maybe not. There is help out there so don’t suffer alone. For Shmrd: You will find your way to happiness. I promise you that if you continue to be positive, you will find your happy and peace. Good luck. Happy Holidays.

  25. shmrd – What a Beautiful message that I needed to hear. Happy Holidays There is Hope: I met a wonderful young man a few months ago who has been a Blessing to me. I could not pay my storage bill because of the financial abuse and the marital separation/abandonment. All of my Christmas decorations, linens, etc., were in storage and were auctioned by the storage company. I am a little despondent about that because these were of very sentimental value to me: decorations my son made as a child, decorations that my mother gave to me over the years from all over the world from her travels and my travels, ornaments from my childhood, etc. No matter what your faith is, I am still very Blessed because I have my health and my strength but I am angry.

  26. Phoebe, oh how I wish I could tell you a way to “make” your man change, but the cold hard fact is that the only thing that can make him change is his own desire to stop. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do. I was married for thirty years to my alcoholic. He had eleven years of sobriety close to the beginning, but the rest of our marriage was filled with relapses, rehabs, detoxes, and dishonesty until his disease progressed to the point where he was fired for drinking on his well-paying job, we had to declare bankruptcy, he got a dui, and we lost our home. Our adult children have broken off their relationships with him. In my all-consuming codependency, I feared what would happen to him if I left. After a tear in my intestine and near nervous breakdown, I started counseling with a therapist who specialized in addictions and codependency and left him in November of 2015. The fears I had about his life after me leaving him were realized: he is currently living in his truck two hours from where I live in a Safeway parking lot. He may be getting help…or not. It’s hard to know for sure. One thing is certain, it was not my leaving him that forced this hand; it was his alcoholism. Do I have regrets? Of course! Should I have listened to that niggling inner voice that was trying to tell me to back out of the wedding plans? Um, yes. Should I have left years ago? Yep. The thing is, we all have to find our own way. My way was the long, hard way but I know that had I not taken this route, I would’ve almost certainly repeated my own pattern and would be with another addict. I believe our patterns repeat until we figure it out and CHANGE OURSELVES for ourselves. Nobody can tell anyone else whether they should or should’t leave their addicted spouse. For me, my life began when I left.

  27. I noticed someone asked for a positive experience, and here it is: I posted a hopeful, yet still-stuck comment here on Dec 4th, 2015. I am happy to report that I finally made the decision to leave him in Feb 6th, 2017, and laid down a “no contact” boundary (which he ignores, but it is my boundary and I stick to it). It hasn’t always been comfortable, but it has gotten easier. I have hope that my Higher Power has something/someone healthy for me once I am healthy enough to have that. We deserve the best that the Universe has to offer us: love, health, sanity, serenity. Love and blessings to you all! 🙂

  28. My husband is an alcoholic, he drinks with his friends away from home every weekend, I fought with him last Sunday and am just confused on how to make him change. I’ve done everything I could to help him, support him in his sports carrier but I just don’t have a clue to his behavior at the moment, can you guys help me please. I have 2 daughters, 1st one is 4 years old and 2nd one is 1 month old now.

  29. I have posted several times over a 3-year period and just re-read them. I needed to. My husband left me on our wedding anniversary in April this year (cold-hearted…). I came home from work and he was gone. He is very ill from his alcoholism and allegedly moved into his adult daughter’s home (she is my stepdaughter and has recently been a challenge for me). I forgive her because she was raised in an alcoholic home with him and his first wife, her mother. His son is much more respectful. My therapist said his children had a choice to rise above their alcoholic background and my step-daughter did not. Although we needed to separate for all the reasons in my previous posts, the financial abuse continues. When he moved, he wanted me to stay in our marital home and come and go as he pleased. That was not an option and I had signed a lease for an apartment on or about the day he left. I considered staying but I moved into my own apartment. My financial status is horrid. My husband claimed he left because of money and specifically, my son – his stepson – who is in college. He said he was not willing to support my son. That may be his reason but there are 20 more reasons: he was lying to family and friends over the years about my son and me. Logically, people should have ignored him and not responded because you do not discuss your marriage with people nor should people respond. In his dysfunctional world of alcoholics, that is not the case. At best, they are terrible gossipers and it trickled down to my immediate family. Looking back, I can see that the abuse that I suffered from some of his family and friends was because of the lies and their alcoholic response to it. My electricity has been off in my new apartment for over a month. I am in danger of losing my apartment and my car. So, although I am no longer living with him, the far-reaching tentacles of alcoholism and abuse are still touching my life. I have peace of mind, to a point, but I am constantly watching and monitoring to see that I am not evicted or lose my car or my son has to drop out of college. People need to mind their business, in a perfect world. My husband drank for 50 years and now he is slowly dying. I have talked to family law attorney(s) and social service and domestic violence agengies, and cannot afford an attorney. So, now, I just pray and I do text and call him for money. He gave me some money a few times, but all contact has now ceased. Good luck to all other spouses and loved ones dealing with this. Never ever marry an alcholic or date one or look at one. My Lesson – Learned the Hard Way. Happy Holidays To All!!

  30. My husband quit drinking for a year. I thought he was done for good. Life was great and he was doing so well with his own business. It was growing, people were respecting him more. My life was finally freed from all my anxiety. He was complimented daily on how well he was doing. He explained to me he felt so much better. Today he has started drinking again. He will get super drunk at the bar or out with friends and then be home for about 4 or 5 days and not drink then all of a sudden does it again. He makes it so public by going out to bars where everybody can see what he’s doing and how he’s acting. He never likes to drink alone or at home which I sometimes feel would be easier because then no one would know. I get bad anxiety when he’s out, I text him and bug him and he usually lies to me about what he’s doing. He will say he has work to do when in reality he’s getting drunk with friends. I’m so lost as to what to do. I love him and have been with him for 14 years. We have a child together. I am always told to leave or he’s never gonna change he’s just like his family whom most are alcoholics.

  31. My brother Magyezi have been suffering for two years. He was divorced by his wife and his children have left him alone. He has resorted to too much drinking and smoking. He has been seen on city streets to buy prostitutes to satisfy his sexual desires. How can I assist him counseling

  32. Thank you for this forum. There are so many of us. Here is a place we can comfort encourage and console one another. We all have our challenges for certain but life can be good. Sometimes it’s not with our addicted love one. I just read my first post from 3 years ago. Since then my husband has used consistently and lied continuously. At one point he od’d at work. His heart stopped and he was without oxygen for several minutes. By the time I arrived at the hospital and spoke with the doctor 45 minutes later he had been shocked 5 times with a heartbeat that was faint and would stop. The final time the team in ER worked on him for over 45 minutes and got a heartbeat. When I finally saw him he did not look alive. He was not conscious, was placed in a drug induced coma, put in a hypothermic suit and we waited. 2 days later they weaned him from the coma-induced state. Amazingly he woke from the whole ordeal without any neurological damage. His heart valves however we’re seriously damaged from his use. He underwent open heart surgery with a triple bypass performed. The bottom finally. I thought. But no he still uses to this day. I divorced him and moved 1700 miles away for work. I stayed in touch because I love him and he’s a good man. But yesterday I chose to get of the horror ride. I choose not to watch this slow intentional destruction of himself. I wish he cared. I wish he’d quit. I hope he does. I write this because I’m ok today. I’m happy. I became stronger through all of this. It’s not the direction we would choose. It breaks our hearts but we can heal and we can grow. So many of us have. I will always love him. I don’t like him and I don’t respect him and I can’t live with him. I have to live with me and do the best I can rather than fall into his quicksand and take my kids down too. I just want to say there may or may not be hope for the addicts we love but there is hope for us. I do want to say that I fully understand it’s not the same as when it’s your child. A parent- and I am one who has gone through a great deal with substance abuse and young adult kids – struggles to ever be whole and find peace when her/ his child struggles with the beast of addiction. This was my husband not my child even though he acted as a child acts.

  33. I have been detaching with love and working on my recovery through al anon and private therapy. He drinks M-F 12-5 at his regular bar and 2 strip clubs. They all have a “Cheers” like quality which he finds comforting and has become his only activity. He admits his drinking is excessive but refuses treatment if any kind as he says he knows it needs to come from within and he needs to moderate. My concern is I am allowing his disease and refusal to get help keep me in limbo. I truly want to stay married but not at the expense of my soul. Do I separate to give us both a new perspective? I have told him repeatedly that if this lifestyle is what he truly desires he can live it. It would be heartbreaking to end our 30 year marriage. I cannot keep accepting unacceptable behavior so I think I need to leave and start fresh. Therapist says to make a Plan B on how to move forward should I decide leaving is the answer. Al anon says do nothing but work on myself and give it to God. Help!!!!

  34. My husband it was love at first sight I quickly learned there was a problem. I actually thought he was bipolar Then noticed he could tell the truth and would not communicate just take off running no arguing just took off. It got to where I would block the door and even run after him until he got tired and we walked home. He would react and act strangely. I never met anyone like him. But I had heard of people like him. No matter what I did it said or not said he would start an argument. I felt strong in my beliefs and faith to not give up and thought he needed me and I could help him.
    We married, it soon got worse he became insulting, harrassing, embarrassing and would humiliate me looking for a reaction out of me. I got very shaky and nervous and would start to cry out of stress.
    He soon got arrested was over heard by others of his threats still after that I wanted to work on our new marriage of 6 months. later 6 months after that he continued to drink so much I would just let him be on a day to day basis it was scarey but knowing what the evening would bring.
    Then one day he was drinking a lot again and hit me with his truck I got staples and was in ICU for 2 days another 6 months after his last arrest. I won’t make a decision now of to leave or stay just try to take care of myself my health and mind. I’m sad because I saw this beautiful marriage and future planned together. But it was a challenge not everyday but almost everyday.

  35. I met my fiancé 2 1/2 years ago. I live 55% of the time with my 3 young teen sons in my home . I’ve been going through a horrible divorce for 5 years. My ex is now living and engaged and I live in our home for 17 years. I get the home in the divorce and it makes financial sense to keep it and live it in. I don’t work .. only part time but the child support from ex is helping somewhat but just enough to pay the bills. I met my fiancé 2 1/2 years ago. He has a ugly up bringing and his ex is a myth addict. He raises his 9 year old full time. We met online and it went quick and he moved in a year ago. I knew he like the locational weed didn’t think much of it either a drink now and then but the more I got to know him and live with him I noticed his mood swings getting worse. I noticed how much she drank. I almost thought it was bipolar I asked him perhaps depression with all his dips and lows and highs. He would stay out and not come home after a fight. I’m raising his son for the past 2 years full time .. he calls me his mom . We have broken up A few times over his bad decision-making. So when I ask him to leave he of course has to take his son with him I have no legal attachment all right to the young boy it breaks my heart but when I say bye to my fiancé I have to say goodbye to Gavin to. Last fight we could go he stop drinking for five months. We were doing so well his mood swings diminished and I thought he really had it under control it was part only and no alcohol and it seem to work his anxiety or depression. But he fell off the wagon last weekend and did not come home till really late he was grumpy and distant and argumentative with me and distant also never really bonded close with my children . He makes horrible financial decisions buys a large expensive items would not even consulting me know that I’ve asked him to leave obviously Gavin has to go to it’s been a week now and his stuff is still ready for him in the garage he came by to get one item yesterday but made sure that he left a little tiny cooler with an empty beer can inside a message perhaps saying I can drink if I want! I do not contact him through phone or text this is like the third time we are broken up I’ve taken him back three other times I can’t do it anymore I can’t set an example to my three boys and the thought of doing this to Gavin again just breaks my heart I don’t know where they are I don’t ask I just assume that it’s not my responsibility anymore am I doing the right thing ?

  36. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 6 years and together over 17 years. I said I wouldn’t marry him until he had been dry for a year … but the week after we got married he got pissed again. I felt duped.

    I feel huge sorrow for all of us as I read through all the stories which sound so similar to my own. I am a bright, capable, and I am told, a beautiful woman … and this illness of my husband has made me feel unable to cope, ready to run away and vulnerable. I look tired, I don’t sleep. I have lost my ability to relax and simply have fun.

    Every holiday has been ruined, every occasion ruined, many christmases, New Years eves, nights spent in tears and lonely.

    My staff think I am crazy to stay, my parents have told me to leave, my daughter has told me to leave. If I were my friend, I would tell me to leave too. So what on earth is wrong with me.

    After a disastrous holiday in October, a stressful Christmas and then his getting drunk in front of my parents I kicked him out and filed for divorce. My parents were appalled when he got drunk … by his drunkenness and my anger in response.

    So what do I do from here? God only knows. People keep telling me to leave, asking me what I am going to do … my husband keeps telling me he won’t ever drink again. I KNOW he will, but want to believe so much that he won’t. I am trying to make a life for myself away from him, but my heart isn’t in it. I feel torn into shreds.

    So what do I do?

  37. I have been married to an alcohlic for 13 years. We have separated mutiple times due to his drinking and verbal. controlling, and manipulative ways. He spends all our money and leaves us with nothing. We have two children. We are separated now. He tried to take his life back in march. He sent the sucide attempt notice to our oldest son who is only 12. Im at the end of my rope. Is it wrong for me to want to be done. I cannot live this way anymore. I have no life when hes drinking i cant leave him home alone. I tried counseling many times with him. And things dont change.

  38. I am at a loss. My boyfriend of 6 months is an alcoholic. Last year before I knew him, he put himself in inpatient rehab. He moved into my home with me and my teenage children a month ago. When I met him he said he was a recovering alcoholic, but the drinking is getting worse and worse. He says he only drinks because of his custody issues with his own kid. I get that he is going through a personal hell with that so have been forgiving when he has his bouts (which is about once a week). However, everytime it seems to get worse. It used to be he would just cry and be sorry for himself. But lately he has gotten verbally abusive and this last time he poked me in the chest so hard it left a bruise. I love him with all my heart, but my kids are afraid of him. I don’t want to lose the man I know he CAN be, but I don’t want to put myself and my kids into a situation that could potentially harm us. Should I plan for the what ifs and just tell him to leave, or should i go against what my family and friends say, and let him stay. Am I enabling him with allowing him to stay?… I am just at a loss.

  39. I have been married to an alcoholic for over 25 years now. He has always worked, held a good job. He is what some ppl call a functional alcoholic. He retired a year ago. I thought he drank because of the stress of work, but now the drinking is worse, because he has all day to devote to it. He is never happy, we never go anywhere, and we haven’t had a love life for over 25 + years. I feel like I deserve to be happy, but at 60 years old, it is a scary idea. Now, I am really getting physically stressed because of the way things are.

    1. I, too, am married to an alcoholic for 39 years now. In the beginning he was sweet, mannerly, hard working and loving. He is almost 62 and will only work part time now and drinks the rest of the day. I work full time and when I get home at night he is drunk. He is mean, a bully and abusive. I cannot believe how alcohol makes someone totally different then who they really are. He sits in his recliner and gets drunk and watches TV. We never go anywhere and we haven’t been intimate since I have been 40, I am 59 now. Every weekend comes and goes because his main goal is just to drink. Recently, he claims he is still in love with his HS girlfriend of 6 months and he tried to contact her. She didn’t want anything to do with him and she made her husband talk to him. He told my husband to stop calling. It was embarassing for me and I feel like he is totally using me. In the back of my head I feel that the alcohol has done so much damage that it’s making him do some pretty bizarre things with this being one of them. I have grown to hate him and I am waiting for him to die. I know if I leave him I will be the one losing as he only works part time and he has spent all of his 401K. I work hard at my full time job and try to save whenever I can. We almost have our home paid off. I know him well enough that he will try to take half of my 401K plus get alimony. To think that I would have to pay someone who only will work part time and spends all our money on alcohol. I will just wait till he dies. It is such a terrible way to live. Being married to an alcoholic is lonlier than being single because you aren’t free to be with other people.

  40. I have left my husband I asked for a divorce. I couldn’t do it anymore. 10 years of being with him. 1 year married and things just got worse. I feel like I have wasted my entire life trying to help him. Tons of money gone wasted away. Lie after lie. Coming home and walking by his car and finding empty nips in the back seat, or he would hide them under bags of trash. Sad to have to have gotten a restraining order against him because he kept coming by asking for money and threatened me and scared my animals and broke pictures off the walls. He was mad he didn’t have me enabling him anymore. He didn’t have his victim. I was gone I finally said no I’m done.

  41. As I sit here and type this, my alcoholic husband is passed out. We are on a 6 day vacation, which he has been drunk, angry and abusive for 5 days of. When we got here the first evening was great, then he predictably got too drunk, picked a fight, and has been on a bender ever since. He has locked my phone, credit card, and passport in the safe and won’t tell me the code. I moved from the US to Canada to be with him 2 years ago, and didn’t realize until I moved in with him the extent of his drinking. Now I am a permanent resident in Canada on the condition that I live with my sponsoring husband for 2 years. I have no close friends nearby, no family, and his family that I have asked for support from just brush it off. I love my job and his daughter though, and don’t want to throw that away, but I can’t live with this roller coaster of abuse any more. I have never felt more trapped and hurt and miserable in my life. I think I will go to a women’s shelter and get help when I get back ‘home’.. I don’t know what else to do at this point

  42. I am going through this hardship as i type this mesg. Husband been in wars and has been in and out of rehab but nothing really change. We have two kids, my husband give us comfortable life. But i am so tired watching him ger drunk then wake up grummpy the next day so all our plans for that day most of the time are ruined. Its because he has hangover and he cant get out of bed early. My 6 yo daugther knows what her dad is doing and my husband get mad at me cause he though that i am polluting my daugthers mind ( i dont ) i am telling him everytime that its because she always see you drinking and passing out on the couch. Hes excuse is because hes been in war thats why he is drinking.

  43. I have lived with my boyfriend 13 years. He has never trusted me verbally abused me. Has always drank. The last couple of years has been 4 half gallons a week. Has tried to quit and always started up again. I have left and then return about 6 times. He had tried aa but it doesn’t work 4 him. He’s always always acusing me of cheating when I’ve been 100 % faithful and he has text girlfriends from high school and lie about what they were really talking about. We’re 47 years old. We have both been married before and have grown children but not with each other. He owns everything but my car and 5 weeks ago told me to get out again so I left again but the other times I was home in a week but this time I don’t want to go back to just have it fall apart again. But what if ? His family says I left someone who has a disease. I say I left someone who has a choice, that is weak, and chooses to get drunk instead of having a good day. I did fall in love with him. But he makes me feel less than zero when he drinking. I told his family that I can’t say to him I’ll just talk to you later when you sober up like they can . I can’t just hang up like they can. I had to stay and take it for hours and days at a time or go to my mother’s house for a couple of days. I’ve given him all my heart and soul . Do I stay away or give more time if he gets treatment. What to do. Disease or choice ? I’m so hurt mad and confused

  44. I have been married for 18 years now to a alcoholic. This was my second marriage and I had 2 children coming into this marriage. The first 2 years were wonderful and then we decided to have a child together. It seemed like the moment that I got pregnant everything changed. Our son is now 16 years old and we have not had a marriage ever since. Our sex life for the past 16 years has been non existing. I think it’s been at least 8 years now that we have had sex and before that I think I would say about a dozen times in the past 16 years. He drinks 18 to 24 beers every night and I do mean every night. We have not shared a bedroom in the past 16 years. He slept or should I say passed out on the recliner in the living room ever night. I tried everything I could to help him including trying to talk to him in a loving and caring way for the first few years. Then I went through the stage of just crying all the time. After that I spent many years just angry as hell. He was never physically abusive to me but very emotionally abusive. I could never have any friends or family over because he was constantly rude to them or putting me down so I just would come home from work and go to room and hide in there. I did that for years. Finally a few years ago my 2 older children were over for dinner and he was drunk as usual and he started in on me and I just decided that I had taken all that I could. I packed a bag and me and my son left but the only place I had to go was my daughters house who had recently gotten married. My husband starting turning to my daughter then and telling her how sorry he was and he knew he was a alcolic and wanted help because he couldn’t take losing me and his son. She took him to AA for 2 weeks ever day and sat beside him and fell for his lies. She would come home and tell me that she thought he really wanted to sober up this time. Which I knew was a load of crap. I had listened to his lies for so many years that I didn’t want to hear it anymore. He finally thanked her for going with him to AA and said that now he needed to face this on his own and that she didn’t need her to go with him anymore. I knew he was just handing her a bunch of bullshit so I would call him in the evenings before he was supposed to be leaving for his meetings and he would tell me how great everything was going. I would tell him to call me after the meeting so we could talk. What he didn’t know was I was parked down the street and he would never leave the house. He would call me back a couple hours later and tell me how great the meeting was. My son and I lived with my daughter for 6 months and I could tell it was putting a strain on her new marriage and financially I couldn’t afford to get a place on my on. I have had a lot of health issues since 2005 and I just can’t go back to working 2 and 3 jobs again like I did before. As much I didn’t want to move back in I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I told my husband that I would move back as long a we set some ground rules. He was to move into the guest room because my son and I would not continue to see him passed out in the living room any longer. He could not drink in front of us and the arguing had to stop. He agreed and we moved back in. He is in his room now and he spends all of his time in there. During the cold months he spends most of his time outside because he can keep his beer in his vehicle and it stays cold. Now that it’s warmer weather he comes home and goes straight to his room and locks the door. He keeps a cooler in there. Now he even locks his bedroom door when he leaves in the mornings for work. Sometimes I feel like such a idiot for staying but other times I think hey if he is willing to pay the bills and leave me along then why not. My marriage is over and it has been for many many years. There is no going back now even if he was to stop drinking now. I guess I’m writing this just to see what others opinions are. Am I a idiot for staying?

  45. I am a bride of 6 months, my husband was a recovered alcoholic of 7 years when we married 4 months into our marriage he started drinking again, each time promising that he was not going to do it again, I came home at lunch from work to find him lying in the yard unconscious, I thought he had suffered a heart attack at the hospital I discovered he had a blood alcohol of over 200, I feel so betrayed, the trust has already been broken. How can I continue on with a marriage with this man like this?

  46. I cant be around my husband when he drinks our rather i don’t want to be around him when he drinks. It’s strange to say because he is kind and thoughtful and even more so when he is drunk. If he has been drinking he will do all the housework, yard work, and cook dinner. Why does it bother me so much? I know he could be a great man rather than a babbling fool. I hate that bitch he sleeps with. She makes him a lesser man. She takes his money and life away. In the end she will take him to his grave. I work at a hospital sms see what she does. Slowly but deadly enlarge the liver. I stick a tube into their side to drain out all the extra fluid she causes to collect making three person look pregnant. She tortures and taunts until the end. I hate hate her. But I love my husband, when he’s not drinking.

  47. Dear Katie,
    The pain your feeling is real and horrible and it won’t stop unless you get away from the situation. You don’t have to get a divorce to remove yourself. Your husband has already left the marriage. Not physically but in every other way. It’s a super hard decision but God will guide you and take care of you.

    I was faced with the same dilemma and during that time I was confused and felt alone no matter who was around me. (I believe these are the times God wants your full attention) I believe that’s a normal feeling when your dreams are being broken. Unfortunately, I ended up divorced but I go to Alanon and know many people whos story ends differently. About half of the marriages make it. Sobriety can happen. I’m not telling you what to do only what I have seen. Of the 50% of the marriages I have seen make it the sober spouse had to take a hard stand and leave. Nobody knows how that’s going to turn out when they leave. That’s when you have to have faith and trust God to do what is best. You deserve love and peace in your life. You didn’t cause any of this so you can’t cure it either.

    I was completely tore up when I got divorced and thought the same things as everyone does in that situation. I felt like it would never stop hurting, that I would never find love and again and be alone, that God had forgotten me. After surviving the horrid storm I discovered God loved me so very much and had much bigger better happier plans for me. Had things gone my way I would of certainly been short changing myself. These are things you don’t know until the storms are over. That is where faith and trust come in. I promise God has good planned for you. Keep looking up and he will guide you….even if it doesn’t feel great right now he has a plan for your life that is good.

  48. My husband went from a weekender beer drinker to a full blown alcoholic. He now drinks 15-18 glasses of vodka and diet Dr Pepper every single night. I cannot count on him after 5 o’clock. He is way to drunk and complains about every little thing. He has also become a hypochondriac when he is drunk. He continues to tell me he is dying. Then the next day when he sobers up he always complains he’s tired and don’t feel good. Then there is the whole sex thing. He can’t perform but wants to try other ways. Because he is drunk he hurts me rather than making me feel good. Then he whines when I say don’t that hurts. I love him very much. We raised two beautiful children together. I believe in keeping my promise to love him through sickness and health. I really need some good advice. I’m barely hanging on. On the rare occasions when I see him sober I’m so in love with him. He is a perfect gentleman but what hurts is it appears he is watching the clock untill he can have his drink. Please help me. I want the man I married back.

  49. Please help my husband name is jimmy graham he is on drugs and alcohol I need help I been marred ten years and I can not take it no more. Please tell me what to do he tells at me and curses at me he makes me feel real bad he spends all the money he makes and drinks and does drugs I am so tired we have no kids and I want out. He refuses to get treatment and I can not take this anymore he will not stop

  50. My husband just relapsed for the 3rd time. I watched him almost die 3 times and convinced him to get help. He does detox but then won’t do the treatment or get help. We have been married for 37 years and have 3 amazing children and 2 grandsons. I yelled at him and told him I can’t do this for a fourth time which by reading I now know that was wrong. I am so sick and tired I don’t know which way to turn. Do I tell my family and friends. What do I do?

  51. Married for 34 years, expending the last 18 years fighting with his addiccions ,I am so tired and I can’t leave because I feel sorry for him.

  52. Hello. I love this article! I can really relate to it. I have been married a very long time. I know without a doubt it’s a Unhealthy relationship. But, still I choose to stay with him. It’s INSANE! I can say that I’m focusing on ME more! I must address my issues first, work on ME! I know I can only change me, One day at a Time. Please reply back.
    Be Blessed,

  53. I am rather desperate for knowing what to do. My husband and I have been together 32 years and married 25 years. We have 4 children 3 in college and one in 3rd grade. We are middle aged (me 49 him 53). My husband is the absolute best husband and father to our children and he s a very very good provider and husband to me. He loves me so much that it seems unreal. However, when he is not working, he is drinking. Or I should say be begins drinking every single evening around 4 or 5 O’clock and then quite often he will go to bed without eating. He is nothing but skin and bones. It’s so very obvious that he is an alcoholic or at least I think so. We (him and me) have tried to hide it from most people, but in reality, they must know. When he comes into the house after drinking (as he drinks out back in a little shed be hide the house – because I will not allow it inside) he starts talking in very ridiculously annoying conversations that frustrate me to no end and if I comment then it leads to more frustration and then an argument. If I say nothing at all he just keeps talking and eventually when he pauses, I just leave his presence and he goes to bed. Then he wakes the next morning and wants sex or to talk as if nothing at all happened the night before. But I also feel upset and he doesn’t’ understand why even if I try to explain. So, I don’t try to explain anymore. I just stay upset most of the time. Which is just awful. I love him and hate the thought of ever leaving him. Yet I have begun to entertain the very idea more and more. Financially I must say, it would not be smart for me to leave him. I have tried to shelter our children from his drinking for most of their young lives. Now that the oldest three are aware that he drinks, they occasionally, find themselves having to sit in his drunken presence while he renders senseless conversation and sometimes offensive/put down (but not intentionally/not over dramatic) to them. Just conversation that is very negative and extremely extremely annoying (enough that it leaves the children sometimes feeling angry and upset). Which makes me feel like I have to jump in the conversation and rescue them. But I have since learned to leave the room so that I can’t even hear or over hear any of his conversations with them, because if I do, I will become angry at how he talks to them.
    If I try to talk to him about it when he is sober, he always tries to justify his words by saying that he knows what is in his heart and therefore he knows what he is saying. He seems to be clueless as to his effect on his loved ones (his family – me, his wife and kids). We all love him dearly, but as his wife, I am starting to feel like I am the one who is dying or maybe sometimes wish I were not in the situation that I am in with him.
    I married him for better or for worse. I really don’t want to leave or divorce him. But not only is he destroying himself, but our relationship as well. He thinks that is drinking doesn’t bother or hurt anyone or that he does not hurt anyone by drinking. I am so tired of nagging. That I have stopped. Now, however, I often give him the silent treatment. I know this is enabling him as well as nagging. He says that I get on his nerves (I think he means the silent treatment- it’s pretty extensive at times). (so I suppose I cause him to drink). I don’t want him to drink because of me getting on his nerves – but again his drinking “keeps” me upset… He also says that it is how he handles stress. I love him so much. Not as much as I could, because I am very very afraid of loving him with my whole heart and then losing him to his disease. I think I would be so very devastated. He thinks we need marriage counseling. I agree because I see his drinking as the problem in the marriage (we don’t know of a truly good therapist – I will not go to just anyone). I say this because for the first time about 2 years ago, he went without drinking for about 2 months straight. That was the absolute best our marriage has ever been in 25 years. He has not been able to do it since. Except for the periods of time when he is on call for 2 weeks straight…I am so glad that I found this site. I have cried my eyes out all night, as I sit alone in my hotel room (conference meeting in the morning)… What in the world can I do?….

  54. Hello my husband and I’ve been married for eleven years now.
    He has been suffering with alcohol addiction throughout our entire relationship. The year of 2014 I finally left him. Our separation was quite messy. I was forced to get a restraining order against him and had him arrested for harrassment and abusive behavior. He stayed for two months in jail. When he was released from Jail he came to our home drunk. He kept ringing the bell, so I called the police and had him arrested for the second time. He was found guilty for violating the restraining order. While he was spending days in jail, my in-laws were reaching out to me. Most of the time my in-laws blamed me for everything and they were very angry with me. He spent a total of four months in jail. Two months the first time and two the second time in jail. The last month that he spent In jail I was beginning to miss him. I forgave him and I couldn’t wait for him to be released from jail.He had a bail that was bondable meaning I could’ve paid 10% of his bail and he could come home. I was so desperate after missing him, I took money from important bills to attempt to bail him out of jail. Something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to proceed. So I waited until the day he returned. The day he returned I was the first person he contacted on the phone. We talked and he was concerned about getting me back. He moved back homr with me and stop drinking cold turkey for one year and six month’s. It took me a whole year to fully love him and cater to him. During that year abs six months he found a good paying job with great Benefits. All of a sudden the drinking started after one year and six month’s. He’s been drinking every other day , staying out nights at a time. Sometimes he doesn’t come home after two or three days straight. When he come home from binge drinking he always say he’s sorry; he’s going to stop drinking and staying out etc. He also shower me and our child with money and gifts. We will have maybe four days out of every week joyful as a family. After that he’s back to drinking. I want to know what am I doing wrong?

  55. My husband was raised in a home where at the age of 14 his dad teased him about drinking while playing cards with friends. He would sit the whiskey bottle down and tell him he was a pansy for not drinking. Yet at the same tell him if he got drunk he would kill him. My husband got so drunk my mother-in-law took him outside because he was throwing up. My father-in-law in a drunken rage held my husband up against the house by his neck (off the ground) and almost chocked him to death. It took my mother-in-law, brother-in- law and a couple of friends to force him to drop him. He had huge bruises on his neck for weeks. My husband drunk but after we were married only once in a great while. Then he seemed to stop for years. He has had three brain aneurysms and three clips put on in a period of 11 years. (Two clips the first time in a 22 hour surgery, one clip the second in an 18 hour surgery.) Both surgeries he was only given a 5% chance of survival. He was just told he has a fourth and it has been 16 years since his last surgery. We are 62 years old and have been married for 44 years. Today he called me at work and said I’m at the hospital, I don’t know how I got here, don’t know where my truck is can you come. (This did not seem foreign to me because after his last surgery he was not allowed to work any longer and he went through almost a year of not being able to remember how to get from our home to our children’s homes, our Wal-mart, our church and the doctor said be thankful he’s alive, his memory may return it may never return. He lost some memories, his dad’s funeral, some family holidays different things that have never returned but he got better. During this last year there have been times when I would say Have you been drinking because I could smell the alcohol and always the same answer No, you know I haven’t. Well today when I got the call and went to the hospital I said we have to go to the emergency room to find out what’s going on because he has had several small strokes and I thought maybe they were returning. Once we checked in and the nurse came in I found out that he had been brought in by a police officer because he had been found passes out over the steering wheel. I thought it had something to do with his new aneurysm was I ever surprised when I was told his alcohol draw was 300. The doctor said the police just left him there because by all rights he could have been dead. To make a long story short, the doctor insist he has to have been drinking over a long period of time and my husband insist that he does not drink. He does not remember buying the alcohol or why he bought it. (At least that is what he tells everyone.) I have pleaded with him to just be honest about the situation but he is insistent he does not remember anything. I found out from the police report that he had pulled his truck over on the edge of a yard just an eighth mile from our home and was passed out. He had driven and could have easily killed others or himself. He seems shocked that he would drive while drinking and says it will never happen again. I have already told him I am taking our vehicle and driving myself to work and that there will be nothing at home for him to drive because we can’t take that chance. There have been some other things going on in the last year that have made me think he should not be driving, things that went on right after his surgery, confusion about where he was at but I overlooked it as I hated the thought of taking that from him. He thinks he can’t do anything as it is. He has not worked since May of 2000 as he was a truck driver and after his last surgery and the fact that the doctors had decided they just did not know if he would have another aneurysm or not it would be better if he no longer worked. Then in the last few years he has forgotten how to do some of the things that were second nature to him before, I think he was becoming depressed. When we tried to talk to our old doctor about it he just says just be thankful you are alive and dismisses it. (Plus my husband isn’t big on thinking he could be depressed, it’s not manly.) Now since this drinking has happened and I have read that to reach a level of 300 means you have built up a tolerance to drinking I wonder if he really has been drinking over the last year, does he remember what happened and is just lying because it’s easier than being truthful about something so horrible. I want him to get help but he says he is fine and won’t do it again. I do think he is now willing to talk with our new doctor about depression. We have three children and 11 grandchildren and his behavior is affecting them all. Our youngest daughter is so mad because our granddaughter is now driving and she travels by where he was found daily. She said he could have killed her all because he does not care about anyone but himself. (Dad was her rock, he could do no wrong and now that image has been destroyed.) I don’t know what’s true and what’s not anymore. Our marriage has not been all sugar and spice but no ones is. I just wonder is it possible that he really has not been drinking all this time or is this a lie, too?

  56. I my self am a stay at home mom of 4 daughters under 9 . I love my family unconditionally. But this has been the hardest thing I have ever endured and I had a very difficult child hood. My husband of 10 years is a opiate addict and alcoholic . He is mentally abusive to my children and I . We will be kept awake all hours of the night so he can’t rant and rave not caring my girls gave to get up for school . I ask my self all the time should I stay or go for my kids sake . I pray all the time he will one day just wake up and say enough’s enough . He has done suboxone 2 and relapse both times weeks after getting off. It’s very hard on me being a stay at home mom and doing without everything for my kids who deserve the world . We go Xmas after Xmas getting them nothing for them and all their birthdays . It’s hurtful to me and nothing I can do if he is not ready to get sober for him and not for any of us ! That’s the one thing I have learned through all this he will lie and lie saying he’s ready because I’m at my wits end but he just doesn’t want to deal with that reality ! I agree with this being a chosen disease , something controllable ! If anyone has suggestions please reply . I am blinded by this all AMD have no friends from all of this . People who wouldn’t stand by my side because I chose to stand by his. I truly don’t know what to do anymore . I am going through major health problems and worries me sick that I will leave this world with my kids to endure this battle alone . Thank you for reading and god bless . I truly feel for anyone out there that deals with a loved one going through this and I will take any advise ! I would love to save my marriage and be happy and him sober once and for all !!

  57. I have been with my husband for almost 27 yrs. he has been on drugs most of our lives together. We have 3 grown children, and a 13 yr old son. He has mentally abused and manipulated me for most of our lives as well. He had a crack addiction back in 1996 thru 2006. He had a couple yrs clean somewhere in between. Getting arrested is what saved him and of course, by the grace of God then. 21 days in jail) from that point, he started snorting Vicodin even up til now. He also started snorting Cocain over a yr ago in which he says I caused him to do just because I called him lazy one day. This man has never been lazy really until now. Our lives have been terribly rocky. He even buys drugs off some friends such as Roxie, Percocet, and xanax. He takes xanax right behind any pill that’s an upper for him. He has lost a bunch of weight in the last 2-3 months. And still losing weight because he doesn’t eat much. And when he does it is junk food mostly. He looks and acts so different. He’s basically someone I don’t know. He constantly accuses me of talking to another man. So, I’m constantly having to defend myself. I’m sure you get my point and heard all this before. My parents divorced when I was 7 yrs old and it devastated me forever. So, I made a promise to myself when I grew up and got married that I would make my marriage work. But now that I am almost 43, I feel life is passing me by and I’m so drained from all the arguing and worrying he puts me through. It does make so much sense that I can change some things for myself and not enable him if that’s what I’ve been doing. I did wonder about that. I just don’t understand how anyone could hurt someone like that. And being so selfish, and not taking responsibility at all, or make anyway steps toward straightening up his life. We even have a plumbing business that is pretty successful. He has even lost interest taking care of it like he should. I work in the office so we see each other a lot when he’s not chasing drugs. I can’t tell you the amounts of money he has blown on his self buying drugs. I love him somehow even though he broke my heart a long time ago and I forgave him.i keep forgiving him. Thank you for reading this as I feel all by myself.

  58. Hello,
    I’m reading with interest and completely understand (this) situation, but let me explain our Daughter’s situation, and hopefully you can reply to a different problem, yes, still alcohol with my Daughter, but Prescription Drugs addiction with her husband.
    She was just issued a first offense DUI and is now awaiting sentencing. She has been an alcoholic for several years, only in the past year moving from east to west (back home) for finally realizing that if she didn’t accept our love & support, she would hit rock bottom.
    All this past year, once her AND her non-supportal husband got here, she has been denying our support to help her stop drinking. Zero support from husband because he bluntly does not want to support her because he can’t, he’s also an addict, and to support her would be ending his control over her and seeking his own recovery, which he will not do, so the lies that he would support her keep enabling her, has turned our Daughter against us and is deceiving her by saying that we are controlling and trying to control their life’s.. Its been a year from us, and yes, by not just stepping in and putting her in a alcohol recovery center for the past year, we have enabled her to keep drinking and him to keep lying about his non-existant support and love for her. He is on SSDI after not working for years. He was at the time he married our daughter was a healthcare professional. He is and even his own family says he is deceptive and totally self-righteous and will not help himself, let alone our Daughter. So, sadly now she is living with an addict. Its our Grandchildren that are now and have been hurt. They have discussed a separation a few months prior, but have agreed to live amaciably under the same roof, even though by him still being the head of the household, the finacial picture would be a positive + without him. We have also offered our help finhacially, but not if he is still in the home.
    Of course, there is another side to every story, but the other side is without deception and self righteouness,.
    So, which brings this situation to the present.. AFTER our Daughter was sitting in a jail cell waiting for her release, which WE arranged, not her by O/R, while cleaning the house up, he was in and out, took a pain killer and and had a “Psycho Episode”, starting ranting and raving that the police can’t random test her, can come into our house and see her living conditions, ALL in front of our Grandchildren and asked us to LEAVE.. If not, he would call the police, which he did. We were shocked, but did leave after loving our Grandchildren with hugs and love and telling them we’re sop sorry they had to see this.. We met the policemen outside, explained the situation, he confirmed the situation with Son-In-Law and came back out after seeing him and told us, and undersatandably couldn’t explain his feelings mkore because of the 9-11 call to them, but knew that He was under the influence, and briefly told us what to do, asking us if we were finacially able to help our Daughter out of this situation, or our Daughter has to leave ASAP, because an addict can not live with another addict, especially one that was just issued a DUI with minor children in the household.. This might not be something you can comment on, but just a hint of a path to follow at this point , would be great..We do know our options, but our Son-in-Law and unfortunately our Daughter do not, because she is still condoning his actions. Thank You

  59. My husband is an alcoholic, he gets drunk almost every weekend, and when he drinks, he doesn’t respect anyone, he looks for trouble and fight in the street, argue with anyone he passes by. He comes home and forces me to give him money to buy beer. he’s not working, am the only one working and when he does that he’s just driving me crazy, I feel like walking out from his life.

    I did walked out couple of times, he runs after me, crying for me to come back, we stay at peace and then all of a sudden he starts drinking again. Our little daughter is already afraid of him.

    Can you guys help me what can I do to stop him.

  60. My husband is an alcoholic ,he’s been in rehab twice ,recovered n started again.I’m too sick now to get a job or start over.he is working n earns the bread.nice sometimes,violent sometimes

  61. My husband is an addict he’s always been and it’s hurting me to see that he does not care fo our children or our marriage he lost his jobs due to this addiction..

  62. Please, I need advice. I’ve posted on two other forums without any response so, please, if you could respond I would greatly appreciate it. I need support right now. This is the first circumstance in my life that has prompted me to seek the internet’s advice ….

    My husband is addicted to weed and video games. I know, there are way, way, way worse addictions, but please hear me out. I work with court-adjudicated youth and I am around substance abuse all day. When I come home, my husband is high and tells me that I am wrong for caring so much that he is high. When we were dating, he knew full well that I didn’t like weed because the smell triggered the very intense emotions of my workday and it’s really not a lifestyle I enjoy. He wholeheartedly agreed. He has been sober for 2 years (one year dating, one year of marriage).

    My husband has a lot of trauma in his background. He is former military and was discharged due to a medical issue sustained in an attack from his own unit. Since I have known him, he has been living off of social security and disability from the military and he makes twice what I make sitting in his chair playing video games. He has been institutionalized due to a misdiagnosis of bipolar (he is ADD) and suicidal tendencies immediately after his trauma (years ago). I’m afraid my past trauma led me to cling to him in co-dependency and I believed him when he said he was going to quit video games (World of Warcraft).

    3 months ago his mom gave him weed because he said he was so tense and triggered about starting college for the first time. His mom, a very capable career woman, is utterly dysfunctional in her personal life. Now he is high all of the time and been lying to me about it for months. I’m living with a 17 year old it feels like … his ADD prevents him from doing any housework/bills/groceries/etc., he blames me for being controlling and says that if he is going to be successful then he needs the weed.

    I wish I could express how alone I feel. We don’t go to bed together. When we are intimate, he gets up to play video games after a while. He is high when I’m home. I don’t like this man. What can I do? How do I get back the man I married? I’m tired of fighting … he shouts that I should just get a divorce if I’m so unhappy … but I genuinely love him and want to work through this …

  63. I’ve been with my alcoholic husband for 16 years. We have a 14 and 15 year old. I love him dearly but I’ve finally decided me and the kids couldn’t live that way anymore. I was raised by 2 loving parents that were always there for us. I wanted my kids to have a normal happy family but I have realized having a father who cares more about the beer than his wife and kids is not normal. I never thought I would give up on this man but I can’t live another 16 years of my life like that

  64. I would love to hear a positive story on here. Married for almost 2 years found out this last year he takes Norco…through out nursing school it was Valium and riddlin. Also smokes weed every night. It’s the same story of lies and mannipulation…and love he is starting rehab September 4. It’s outpatient. He already doesn’t like the doctor…he wants to do the saboxone his own way. Now I’m in nursing school. I won’t let him screw this up for me not at all I have a good family we have no kids so I can still get out..but what if I do and he does stay clean…are there any good stories ?

  65. hello last year i was injured almost died in a car crash not my fault,my man was forman on job took karate 2 times a week for 4 years when he got home from work and found out about me and severity he rushed 4hrs to my side to hear 50% chance of me to live and that for next two weeks he never left me literly 22 hrs by my side and arranged and did all needed for me and was there i never new it bu loved him for it .i was in critical care for 7 weeks and at frist did no no him or my mom to see them but new his name and how much our 15 years ment im only 30 now wiyh my mom did not reconise or no her for a week or so my man chris went through all kind of stuff from my situation to my brothers bull shit he lost his well paying job for 13 years he worked because i needed him he naver care at all he evan came 3 am one morn because i needed to use washroom but couldent get a nurse well almost 2 and bite months after i got to go home where him and two other people moved us to accomidate me with no staires in the next month he had a heart attack almost dead himself i found he had a heavey morphine injection prob he hid from me near the time i went home to then he has been on methadone but cant stop drugs iv almost left him 3 times now im sick of this but 15 years with him and hes a good person to me but i dont trust his use and found more used kneedles hes on antidepressident pills and this has brought weird stuff in him out in alot of ways but loves me more then life and hates himself for it but he said he feels so down he dont get high due to metadone he takes but uses i dont no if i trust what he said but he crys when said im leaving and this time saide its mental dependece no addiction whitch he steals stuff but for me said he feels happy to give it to me he traded one addiction for another and keeps using not near like before but lies and said the disappointment i have hurts somuch with his self hate he wants to feel back to himself again i hate him for taking my pills and over and over trust is hard he told me he wants me happy in life he loves me so much wheater im with him or not and to sell everything we have togeather its left hear if i dont what should i do please young love for half our lives but hes not the same person in so many ways iv stood by him with all my heart but lies and drugs are not in my future and he said if he ever died after we split its nothing of my fault as i said i dident care all mad at him i left for a couple days and came home but the rope is streached as far as im letting it go please help me im so lost and blinded by how he was and hate how he became so fast please

  66. My husband is addicted to cheating, he’s been doing it for a long time and I kept forgiving him, even now I’m carrying our second child and. I’m In my third trimester and the last time we had sex was the first month of my pregnancy, he claims his health is not ok he also said his business is making him think a lot and that is the reason he doesn’t even get erection when he’s with me anymore, I believed him but last night I discovered he’s still cheating, he has been having sex with not one girl but about five while I was at home craving for sex. I’m really confused, I’m not happy and I don’t know what to do?

  67. When I met my partner 6 years ago it wasnt as bad as it is now. We have tried to work things out, he was even able to stop drinking for 1 year. But started drinking again and this time it was worst. Many people tell me to leave, we are hoth 26 and we met when we were 19. Sometimes i feel there is no hope for me and what will I do if I leave. Everytime he goes to drink I am worried sick and I lost all trust. He lies and declines my calls when he is drunk and does jot admit that he is an alcoholoc. I worry too much about him and feel that my life is ending with his.

  68. My husband of 14 years is finally talking about going to rehab for his drinking. Tonight he wanted me to go out to his man-cave (garage) to meet a friend of his. I went out and there on his coffee table was a pipe to smoke pot with. I told him he needed to eat dinner and go to bed. He gets up at 3:30 am to go to work. He now is trying to figure out the “best” time to go to rehab. Looks like September 4th, if I have my way. I am a hoarder and have promised to clean the house when he goes to rehab. I just want to win the lottery, take the cat and start a new lifem I have never known him sober and the thought is terrifying me. I don’t know what to do anymore and am so overwhelmed and confused. One day at a time is too much and not enough all at the same time. Thank you for this article. God Bless.

  69. My fiancé that I’ve been with 10 yrs is an alcoholic. We have an 8 yr old daughter. He’s fine when he’s not drinking. But when he is, he is emotionally abusive to both of us. He goes on pity parties and threatens to kill himself every time he is drunk. If we lock ourselves in the bedroom he beats On the door. If we ignore him he seeks us out. He threatens to kill me and I self. They are empty threats and I’m not scared he will actually physically hurt us. If we try to be nice to him he starts fights and tells us we don’t care about him and to leave him alone. Either way he seeks us out to emotionally terrorize us. I know he’s not happy with our financial status and his low paying job, and that seems to send him on his binges. If it was just me, it wouldn’t matter so much, but he’s doing irreversible emotional damage to our daughter. I have no job and no means to move. I have no family that will help. I feel like I have no choice but to stay here and expose her to this madness. I’ve checked into programs in our area and there doesn’t seem to be much help offered other than counseling. I still care about him but at this point that is dwindling by the day. He claims he can’t go to rehab because he will lose his job, and if he quits drinking on his own he will not be able to go to work. Those are excuses I know. But I don’t know where to turn. all of the program’s here are for domestic violence and we don’t fit the criteria. I’m feel stuck and helpless to remove my daughter from this situation. Tough love doesn’t help he just sinks deeper. I’ve been to al anon and the suggestions they give don’t really help. I’m really not sure I love him enough to keep trying.

  70. I just hate him going back to drinking and our son gets out this week after 4 years in jail for a felony dui man slaughter. What will happen if my son joins his father. Only God knows

  71. My husband wakes up early morning, roles a joint, smokes cigarettes, watches the news and leaves to a job he has no love for. Basically he hasn’t shown any pleasure working any job, at least not in the last 20 years that we have been married. Most of the evenings he comes home cross, frustarated and indisposed for communication. If he hasn´t bought his 2 to 4 cans of beer, he goes out to buy it soon after he has arrived, hardly ever asking whether he could get something for me or for the house. He isolates himself listening to music, reading controversial articles about how the gods encourage mankind’s suffering, watching football or news. By the time he comes to the kitchen to have dinner, he sits there with his eyes closed. Real conversation is not a happening thing. I read about codependence and enabling, or about sticking with your husband in a dettached love. I don’t know how long I will last in this unfruitful relationship.
    Still keeping my romantic and creative nature and don’t want to get hard, bitter, or find myself complaining about my situation too many times.
    I would thouroughly read all suggestion.
    Thank for any help.

  72. I left my alcoholic husband of 26 years, and although it was difficult, I made it to the other side. I loved him dearly, and I probably could have survived the alcoholism , but I couldn’t take the verbal and emotional abuse. I had to save myself. He was also abusing Ambien, anxiety medication and Androgel. At one point, I thought it could get violent, and I got serious about plotting my way out with my high school daughter and dog. I was a stay-at-home mom without a career. I got a retail job, made it into management, decided I hated it, and became an insurance agent. My lifestyle has totally changed, but it was totally worth it. He has gotten at least one DUI and fallen down a flight of stairs breaking several ribs and his clavicle… and he still drinks. Our divorce took a year and a half, the lawyers made lots of money off of us, but it was still worth it. I don’t go to bed afraid any more. We used to dread his arrival home from “work”, but we knew that he had already been drinking before coming home. Life is so much better without him.

  73. Found my original post from Auguat 2014. I moved out Labor Day weekend 2015. Our divorce was final a month later. While I am struggling financially as a single mom of 3, it was the decision that saved all of us. Our marriage was toxic and I feel confident that he would have relapsed. The kids and I are closer and they are able to enjoy their childhood in a way they couldn’t living under that stress. The kids and I are so much happier then I could have imagined. He is still a manipulative emotional abuser even sober and that hasn’t changed and it’s tough to not always be there with the kids to buffer that behavior, but I do my best to undo the damage when they get home from his house. The kids and I have a solid open relationship and I feel like they are starting to be able to see that it’s him not them where before we all took all the responsibility for everything he said and did. I’ve met someone new. He’s not an addict. Is just a wonderfully kind, nice, thoughtful and wonderful man. He’s respectful of all the kids and I have been through and he is wonderful with the kids and they have a great relationship.
    It was tremendously hard to leave him when he got sober, but it was absolutely the right decision for us.

  74. My alcoholic husband is a great guy! We met about 17 years ago at a bar. We fell in love. I had a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. He loved him as well. We got married and after we did I noticed he was drinking a lot everyday. I was making a pretty good living for myself so I bought the house we lived in on my own. And he was training for a job on the railroad when I got pregnant. Now this job had varied hours so it didn’t work very well with his drinking schedule so he lost it. We were ok bc I could afford the house. I had the baby. He drinking was bad because he was working odd jobs. I worked on the weekends and he watched both boys but really my 10 year old was watching the baby because he was drunk. Although he drank everynight he was very hard on my son who is a great kid. A little cocky but all and all a good kid. my husband resented the tight relationship we had. So we moved into another house a bigger one which I bought. And he was still drinking. He got a good job in a warehouse and things were good for a while until he got a promotion and had to work night shift which again didn’t work with his drinking schedule he eventually lost that job too. After about 7 years of putting up with this and two rehabs later I kicked him out. He left and didn’t really get clean until a year later and for me that was too late I liked not having all that bs. Then 2 years ago he invited us out to California where he lives and got clean. It was great we had a great time he was a different person. And we went to Vegas that year for a rekindle. Then I moved out here last year to start over and he said he was clean and sober but low and behold it was all a lie to get me here. He was drinking every night again and I had left everything behind. I stayed of course I figured it’ll stop but it didn’t until you guessed he lost his job and had a little nervous breakdown. That’s the only reason he stopped. Not for me or my son. I’m so angry. He stopped and said he’ll only drink on weekends but I don’t think I can’t believe him!! I’m so confused I don’t know what to do! I want to run home and forget this year ever happened but then I worry about him. What’s he gonna do. Where’s he gonna stay. This sucks. Any advice would be great!

  75. I have finally reached the end of a long journey. I left my husband after 8 very difficult years. I feel so relieved. I feel too sick and tired to deal with his problems. Thank you for all of your counsel over the years.

  76. I love him but he gets drunk every day off! I’ve done 9 years with a man with a great job who binge drinks, his ex controlled the situation I don’t, I’m younger and work and drive with two kids at uni, I’m fun and kind and I’m not his boss, big mistake via he’s now lost his great job and his driving licence. I’ve spent a night in a police cell for defending myself when he tried to choke me, he phoned the ambulance so police and snipers and everything arrived, I hit him with a wine glass, while I was in the cell he stole my car keys and got arrested for drunk driving, one year on he’s finally got a second chance at a job and while he’s working relief, then a day off back to trauma time, name calling, timing everyone I know and abuse, when when when do I give up and accept the obvious!

  77. I fell in love with the most perfect man I had ever seen about 3 years ago. We had the perfect relationship and when we got married we had a perfect marriage. People say that doesn’t exist but it did for us. We Best friends and lovers one in the same. My husband didn’t have any addictions what so ever. But when he was deployed to afganistan I realized something had changed. He sended different and depressed. When he came home he started drinking. At first he would just drink when he couldn’t sleep. And then he started drinking everyday. He started going out to clubs and bars alot and got a DUI. He got kicked out of the military and continued drink heavily. I stayed by him, I begged him to seek help. He made me feel like I was just a nagging wife. Everytime hes really drunk he tells me I should leave him because I deserve better, but I wonder if he knows he has a problem, why doesn’t he try to get help. He also jumped out of a moving vehicle while very intoxicated and split his had open and had to be hospitalized..I just wish things could go back to how they were before he was deployed. He wont get help no matter how much i beg. When he’s sober he’s a sweetheart and talks about how lucky he has to have me. I’m clinging to the hope that one day he will cave and seek help and we can be happy again. I’m so scared he will end up in jail or dead though. I love him so much but I don’t know what to do

  78. I left my husband who refuses to address a binge drinkIng issue. He says thane is a normal person…which he is but he is a Jekyll Hyde when he drinks. I am the only one who truly sees and has experienced his issue, have pointed it out and get no support from his family. He has verbally threatened me, has fought with my kids and does not apologize for his kooky behavior. He holds down a super job, and balances a lot but basically refuses to address things and get some help for the sake of our relationship. It’s as if the alcohol use is his God given right and it’s worth losing me to maintain his right… narcissism at its best. And the sin of pride. When you are raised to think everything you do is ok and you are not culpable for your behaviors…something will give in the relationship category.

  79. Do you see the pattern? Men are more likely to have an alcohol addiction than women naturally. The stigma of the awful things men have done while drunk kills our chances of making it. What we need is understanding. I’m not the type to say ohhh alcohol addiction is a disease!!! Guess what, it is. It is self afflicted at first but evolves into something we can’t control. Hospitals try to solve these problems but no pleasure is left in life even when withdraws stop. If you want to help comfort and stay on a daily basis instead of judging and being complete assholes and blaming it on the alcohol. Some people are so damn stupid just listen to his needs. Having a supply of alcohol hidden so well he can’t get it will help a lot. Knowing he can ween and has a backup will help because he won’t freak out so bad when he is withdrawing. You can die from that. I have had seizures I’d never have had before alcoholism. Care for him, love him; If he hurts you physically, leave him; but if not, help him. He needs you right now. You love him for a reason, don’t give up on him!

  80. Hi,
    I’ve been together with my husband for 11 years, and teo kids.His addictions are cocaine and alcohol. He drinks 1 to 2 bottles of the big bottle of wine everyday, and cocaine he has to do it every Friday and he has to spend $200 which we need bad. I can’t take it anymore. He spends the rest of his days after work in bed watching TV and drinking. He doesn’t do anything a father should be doing with his two sons, no caring in the world or no motivation . He’s anger it’s even worse and he thinks I’m cheating on him.and he doesn’t help me around the house. I love him, I talked to him so many times that I feel like recorded machine. I am done I will just leave it in God’s hand.

  81. How am I supposed to react to him? It is very difficult to be happy with him and encouraging when he isn’t doing anything to deserve gratitude. I feel as though I would be living fake to act pleased when I am very disappointed.

  82. We have been married about 1 yr and a half. When I met him he had just gotten out of a program and was doing well. Since married, I’ve had to chase him down 3 times in my car finding him in drunken stupors rather than rapped around a tree. Today, as I prepared dinner, I asked him to run and get chili powder. He was gone for 2 and a half hours. When I looked out the window I see my car dangling practically in a ditch alongside my driveway with him in it. I vowed to love him in sickness and in health but I didn’t vow to put up with this…I am so over this. I absolutely refuse to be one of those women married for 30 – 40 years dealing with the same thing. In the morning when he’s sober, we are done!

  83. The time for geting help is over. How dare you tell people to stay with their addict/alcoholic spouse. I did “the program”. All it taught me was all I can do is decide to stay and watch him kill himself or leave. All he is doing is making me hate him even more. Our three children are so scarred bc of him, that they will have to recover from their childhood. Divorce papers tomorrow. This is about the biggest load of bullshit I’ve read all day. The only light at the end of this tunnel comes after death….or divorce. Probably death, but we will see. Last time I left him to show him I wasn’t putting up with his addiction, he went on a meth binge…..he doesn’t even do meth but he did then. I only did him a favor the first time I left. This time, I’m gone for good and he can die alone, bc at this point, death is rock bottom for him.

  84. I re-read my posts also. I wish I kept a journal because I am meeting with a family law attorney on Saturday; but, I know off the top of my head what my experience has been. In every way, particularly emotionally and financially, it has been devastating. It has been drama from Day One. As an educated person, I have to start trusting and following my gut and intellect, going forward; and stop beating myself up for choosing to marry an alcoholic. I honestly did not know what I was getting myself into. But, there is the future and my future is bright.

  85. Oh my what an evil disease this is. I looked back and found my first posting here. I cannot believe it has been close to two years. The first true battle with the out patient session I had so much hope. I truly believe I am getting better I am finally now seeing life without my addict at my side. Letting go and letting God take over is very hard. After all this time I realize by doing the steps I did the past two years I was trying to play his (Gods) role in all of this craziness. I cannot do that anymore…of course I will need to remind myself daily of that. So goes the serenity prayer right? Take care each of you and don’t be afraid to be true to yourself. You are beautiful. You deserve not to be lied to, to take the goodness and love God has given each and everyone of us to live a happy life. After all why did he suffer on the cross for us?

  86. I have posted before. I am still living with my husband, but separately, in the house. He had a temper tantrum when I sold some furniture from the house because I needed money and moved out to the second bedroom. I am applying for (another) apartment today. Some co-dependence and ambivalence; but I am almost out of that. My son is back in college overseas and doing fantastic. So proud. I am working a lot of overtime and a second job; so, now I am in a better financial situation to move out. His health is deteriorating; I dropped him off at the hospital today, but did not stay. Take care of yourselves. Take care of yourselves. This is what I am told and it is very very true.

  87. 4 years married 2 year old beautiful unexpected daughter he’s 43 Im 41 with a 17 and 19 yo son .. we used to drink together my health has slowed me down. but he drinks literally every single day and has literally never gone a day without drinking at least a 6pk. its ruining our marriage i lash out because he repeat things and rambles on for hours among other things. I have to sleep in the couch because of his snoring moaning groaning thrashing yelling until the alcohol wears off. I was recently disabled and not able to work plus our toddler needs me. so major money problems. he has become resentful and unappreciated even though I tell him and show him how greatful I am for all he does. The brief amount of time during the day he us sober is at work he is so sweet and reasonable and understands. Im jealous of his coworkers. My daughter myself and son only have my husband for maybe an hour before he is drunk. I told him that we dont deserve to live this way and I might have to leave because he has become impatient and slightly mean with our 2 yr old says he loves but regrets her. lashed out at my 17 yo son over Internet usage,he constantly complains about my but only when hes drunk. my son is drug and alcohol free works ,school and varsity baseball. he told me to get out today because I said i couldn’t live this way anymore. so basically he kicked us all out so I started packing he passed out woke up and said he never said that and wants us to stay. told me he doesn’t want us to leave said im the one who wants to leave. I dont know what to do. He’s tired and obviously very unhappy and I feel lonely,confused and completely heartbroken. Mind you I’m not innocent I lash out and yell and get upset and impatient. Its not fair for my children. have been in counseling for once a week for 6 weeks and found out I have PTSD,ANXIETY DISORDER, MAJOR DEPRESSIVE,AND PANIC, I ve had 3 strokes and heart surgery feb 2011. July 2011. was passenger on a motorcycle was in a accident I flew 21 feet landed on my face spent a year on bedrest one broken arm the orher arms shoulder basically torn off on the inside. let a terrible scar uner my left eye Diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2005. I met my husband nov 2011 we ended up married a year later and baby 6-2013. March 2012 I had a suddenly had a siezure and ended up with a brain . No answers from doctor’s as to why. ALOT TO fast. Thing is he drank this much when we met I excepted that. But he wasnt mean and I really thought he would at some point go 3,4,5 days without drinking. I think Im in shock. I feel lost and heartbroken.

  88. After four years together and two years of marriage, I am filing for divorce. I still love my husband very much and I worry about him every second of every day. I know that I can’t fix him or his situation. It has been a hard lesson to learn that I can’t love him sober. With two DUIs and another charge of driving on suspended license….I am over all of the stress and legal woes. The fear of jail time for him scares me to death. The guilt I have about filing for divorce and making him be accountable for his own behavior is unbearable. I am attend Al-anon for myself but it gives little relief. Friendships in co-dependency is not easy to accept. I still feel like I failed him and myself.

  89. I’m sure that I am sick too, but I might just go CRAZY with my alcoholic husband before I get better!! I can’t stand it! He’s so proud of himself. “Oh but I such a good man” “You’ve got it pretty good” “Why would you want to leave a great guy?” Meanwhile, his sweet little porn addicted ass is making me hate him and myself for ever being stupid enough to not see this coming! Every thing he does that would normally be inexcusable is, “oh I’m so sorry I must of had too much to drink” Whatever!!!!

  90. He does not want help and he does not want to quit! We have been married 24 years and raised 4 children. So I can’t help him. I’m a Christian and so is he. But I’m tired of him picking his habbits over me. He tells me to deal with it till death do we part. So what’s a person supposed to do? He told me he has never loved me. I feel trapped please help.a person has to want to change there self.

  91. I met my husband (not legal but have been calling eachother married since day one) while I was in rehab and didn’t even know that for the first couple weeks he stopped using too (for me he says) we bonded over being heroin addicts, then went down together that way. We’re both off it with new realizations (he’s a pansy on opiates) but I am on methadone due to using opiates for my mental disorders. He has been using crystal meth for 15 years tho. We used to have a pact to use together to stay on the same level, but we have dif feet mental disorders so react differently. I can’t touch meth or I lose reality almost permanently. I’ve told him I mind him using but won’t make him stop because being an addict myself I know better than to think I could possibly control his addiction. He’s lied to me before (btw, my first words in making us official was “lie to e, watch how fast you lose me” but I also told him before I’d leave him if he continued using, so he lied) but eventually came clean in relaxing lyi ng was the only important thing to me. He continually tells me he’ll be honest about it because he knows that’s all I care about. And I continue to point out how things don’t add up, just be honest and he insists he is, while everyone else comes to tell on him so I don’t drive myself crazy to the brink of suicide again. Oh speaking of, he’s highly suicidal, so I can’t leave him, he attempts everytime I try. I am taking care of me to distract myself and hope to lead by example. But I cant let it go, the constantly insulting me as if I’m stupid and can’t see straight through him. Did I mention we’re homeless (my second year his sixteenth) living out of my van I got a few months ago, so we’ve already got enough to deal with just to survive day to day…..I love methadone maintenance and counseling, but he refuses help but insists I need it. I have anywhere from 2-16 panic attacks over us arguing about this daily which results in ambulances, cops, and me in a psych ward a third of the time. But I don’t want to leave him, not even a little, how do I not fall back into suicidal tendencies from being so blatantly insulted and embarrassed from his deception. ….

  92. My husband just spent five days in voluntary detox. This is the 14th time he detoxed. Most times he also went to rehab. So he was released yesterday and today is drinking and has the entire weekend planned around drinking. What was the point of detox? How am I supposed to react? When told him I was confused as to why he went to detox he gave me ‘the look’, grit his teeth and said the standard just give me til Monday. So frustrating

  93. Hi it been 4 years that ive been married to a heroin addict, i met him like 6 years ago i knew he was a addict, after 2 years we fell in love which i thought he stop unfortunately he didn’t so i fell pregnant thought OK things will get better, but didn’t. i loved him so much i fought my way i would put him out every single time he lie to me anything that doesn’t make sense me,to the point where he was scard for me. weve try outpatients it last 3 days then i fought my way again with him as a women you must be very strong for your husband because it not him it self. i break to the ground but i didnt give up and today husband is clean for 11 days algumallah the man above is good.

  94. i have been married to a alcoholic for 9 years and he has been in several treatment centers during this time. this last time he was sober for a longer period of time thought all was well. for no reason he disapeared for a week and starting drinking .this has been going on for a month .i have decided that i can not live this way wandering how long he will remain sober and what day he will drink again. i have filed for a divorce and told him this. he call today and wants to go to treatment and doing so to get our marriage back and says i am the one that keeps him sober. do i take him to treatment or let him take care of himself/

  95. My husband is a verbally abusive drunk. He distroys me in the process because I am the enabler. But he has no where to go if I make him leave. I’m the one that owns everything prior to marriage and it wasn’t until recently that he became employed for almost 5 years. I am 8mos pregnant and it is getting worse. I have 2 children from previous relationships and they are seeing this. He wants nothing more than for me to kick him out. But then he wants to wreck and destroy everything on his way out. I love him but I need to chose better for my family. How do I make him leave if he has no where to go? He was homeless before we married and he would be homeless again. I couldn’t have peace if he was still in the city and homeless. Honestly I would fear him and what he might do while we are gone to work and school or sleeping. How do I do this? I need help and intervention.

  96. I am an alcoholic. My wife is not. We have three children between 16 and 20 years of age. I want to leave her. She does not want to leave me. I love my children, but they would be better off without me. My wife would be better off without me, but she does not realize that. I want to leave all of them. They would be better without me. I live in the United States, and I hate the United States. i want to live anywhere else, without them. They are very happy in the United States. I am not proposing any long-term solutions or plans. I am just stating the situation.

  97. my husband has been drinking very heavy for many years the last 6 have been the worst because he drank from waking to pass out and we both work from home so no break unless i left to go out..and i did a lot.sept 1 st finally it got way bad he looked like he may not live a another few weeks..his mind was gone..constantly smashed non stop then he made the threats bad bad i had him removed,,and he went to rehab..i knew if i did not he would have been 6 ft under before the holidays. so now he’s out 4.5 months later..we had talked while he was in rehab about some things that i need before he comes back come home. so thought all was going well until i asked for time lines of things to be done now he’s back to i had him arrested,,iam making him want to drink,,and he will do the things once he’s back home..iam not backing down the things aim asking are normal things..things that should never been there to begin with… and things i can’t live with out as i always put my needs on the side all these years due to his actions..well now its time past time.. what do i do..?????

  98. Hi I have read a lot of these stories and i can so relate to most of them. I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have been married almost 5 years. My husband was an addict of over 20 years when i met him. His drug of choice is cocaine and crack. I have spent many nights to wake up to him gone in the middle of the night to get high and be gone for days, sometimes weeks. I used to feel the same as most of the women writing here. Felt guilty, and how could i not help him, always wanting to be the one to make things better. We have had plenty of rough rides, money missing. I have been to counseling together with him and we did it separately with the same counselor. I feel the counseling has definitely helped my grow up. I have depression issues. Just when i thought things were looking up he relapsed again last year and every since then i have just shut down on him. My feelings are not the same and i really feel that it is time for us to go our separate ways. He is constantly drinking those energy drinks (which i read is just a substitute high and are not good for recovering addicts), doesn’t eat healthy or go to the Dr for any check ups. My trust for him is not there anymore, i do love him and care. I just don’t want to in this anymore. I have told him several times that i just don’t know if i can do this anymore, and i have been honest with him about my feelings. He was upset and hurt. I am sorry for the way he feels but i have to move on and be free from all this. I am tired of not trusting and believing. PEACE IS OUT THERE, WE JUST HAVE TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH TO GET IT.

  99. My husband who celebrated his 6th birthday (sobriety on 1/13/16) continues to have that manipulative victim personality. He is committed to AA but never did individual counseling . We did some (at my demand) family and marriage counseling but nothing on going. I do individual counseling but he did not. He lost his job of 17 years four years ago. really 5 years but they gave him a 10 month heads ups, severance for 12 month unemployment for 12 months and in the end I was working 2 jobs and he worked as it was avialable with his father. I tried everything, encouragement, ideas, begging, demanding everything. He took on a second job for a year at Lowes but quit becuase he wanted to start free lancing on the weekend. This never happened! Finally the day came when I thought it was high time that I stop enabling this personality and we separated. My hope was he would learn to care for himself and then maybe he could start to minimally be my equal if not care for me. 5 months into separating he still works with his dad and it goes from 5 days great work to no work for a month, I have gotten no money towards the kids, our helath insuranc ewhich I pay $685/month for, cell phone for the family nothing, ( I place no pressure on him for it) and this week he started to pursue if I am dating etc. I am not dating not that it is realavent but I told him I was insulted that with all the issues on the table that is what matters most. I still work 2 jobs, in school, three kids and a laundry list of my own medical issues, handling all the household responsibilities from student aid, taxes, insuranc issues everything. He asked if I planned on being an old maid and he needs companionship so I said he should then date because I am not able to provide this at this time. I told him it is all I can do to enjoy an evening of television or dinner with a friend, dating is not something I care to do nor do I have time to do. Tonight I told him I hate the strain between us. he said I am cryptic and he see’s no resolve and he needs to move on. Why do I feel so guilty and why am I not angry? I have no fight left in me- I deserve more I just so desperately wish he were willing to work on himself and take ownership. This is a very trimmed down version but it is a redundant story- we talk, i am the cheerleader, it is good for a minute and then he sits on his ass producing nothing.

  100. My husband recently had a bad stroke because of his alcohol and drug abuse..We.have to small children and I am mad at him for what has happened. I feel like if he would have stopped this wouldn’t have happened. His family is in NC my family is in Florida his family want me to let him come there with them. At the same time I want to be with my family. He has been declared incompetent by two doctors so the responsibility like all ways because of his decisions are on me. Is it wrong to let him go when he is in this state of mind. Should I look past why he is sick in the first place and be there? Do I send him to his family? I am so torn.

  101. I have an alcoholic partner and an 8 week old baby. He’s also depressed and has anxiety. His business is going under fast and I don’t feel safe leaving him with the baby. I even hate it when he wants to bath her after he’s had 10drinks. He would never want to hurt her intentionally but I fear he will have an accident. He wets the bed at least every month-and I know I’m enabling. I pay the bills and do the cleaning and cooking. I feel like if I left him he’d die. Im confused about the part about setting boundaries-how? What boundaries? I get out and see my friends a lot-he does not and resents me for my social life. Help!!!

  102. I have been married for 23 years to a recovering alcohalic and non recovering opiate addict. I have been in al-anon, nar-anon, and now celebrate recovery. I work my recovery ever day in order to get up and keep going. When my husband is pilled up and I confront him he gets verbally abusive and says I am crazy and walks around in a fit of anger for the rest of the night. He drives with my 15 year old when he is pilled up and denies it. I have tried to leave him and he threatens suicide and I am scared that if I leave he will hurt me or himself. I truly am slipping. My recovery was going so well and I am feel like I am back sliding. Sometimes I just dont want to do it anymore. I have began searching around the house again looking for his pills but I dont want to go back there again. I have become a Christian which is all I have to keep me going and some days turning to god is not even working. This vicious cycle will never end.

  103. I’m a 29 year old SAHM of soon to be 4 children ages 5 and under. I am due with our 4th child in three weeks! Instead of being excited about the birth of our baby girl, I am dealing with my alcoholic husband. I am an RN, but haven’t worked in 3 years since we relocated to a different state for my husbands job. We have no family here, all of our family is in AZ where we both are from born and raised. It makes it that much more difficult for me to leave. I have no one here for help or support. I hide my husbands addiction from my family, although they all have some idea that he is a alcoholic. They just don’t know really how bad it is. I always make excuses for him. I know I shouldn’t I just don’t want the negative backlash. He is what I’d consider a functional alcoholic. He is very successful, makes great money, and has climbed his way up the cooperate ladder. I love him more than anything, but I feel like a failure to my children for giving them a father who is an alcoholic! It hurts my heart that one day he won’t be around for them. That he’ll die young and our children will be fatherless. It sounds cruel, but I know I’d move on eventually, maybe even remarry, but my children will NEVER be able to “replace” their father. They will never get over losing their dad. It will break their hearts/souls for life. I get so angry that he just can’t see what I see when I look into our children’s faces. They need him, how can he do this to himself! He is being selfish! Really I know deep down he is sick, and alcoholism is a disease. So, no he doesn’t see what I see. Both of my parents were addicts. Never in a million years would I want what I went through for my children. My parents divorced when I was three. My father sobered up and my mom couldn’t. My father gained full custody of me. I grew up in a broken home, without a mother. I think that’s why I am so determined to stay with my husband. I try to hide it from the kids. Right now it’s very easy being they are so young, but children are smart and they realize/notice more than you think. My eldest is 5, so he’s getting older a “sees” more. I’ve been told to just leave, go back to AZ with the kids by my husbands siblings. They think that’ll give him a wake up call. I honestly feel it wouldn’t change anything. He is verbally abusive is I confront him on his drinking. He yells at me & curses at me in front of the children. That’s the part I hate the most. I grew up in a home with domestic violence both verbally and physically. I HATE subjecting my children to that! He is only like that if I get onto him about his drinking, otherwise he is pretty happy go lucky. I’m just at the end of my rope, I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. If I decide to leave him it would be so difficult. I would be a single mom of 4 very young children. I’d have to get a job, that sounds crazy but all I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a SAHM, growing up not having a mother made me want to be everything my mother was not. I love my children so much. I’d hate to put them in daycare all day while I go to work. I also think maybe they’d resent me when they get older for leaving their father. They’d miss him terribly. I don’t know if I could look into their eyes and explain why daddy’s not around or why we don’t live where daddy lives anymore. It literally breaks my heart to even think about telling them things like that.

  104. Married him 6 months ago. Knew he had a drinking problem. Thought I could love him through it. So many broken promises. Lies, lies. Finding big bottle of vodka in the recycle bin. Getting up in the middle of the night to see if there is vodka in his trunk. Keeps telling me he has stopped. Then he is in a warm mood, and I know. Where is it? So we play the game. Check the credit cards, wait for him to go to sleep, track his movements and catch him. He is a kind gentle man. He never gets violent. He goes to work. But that is all he does. I run the household, take care of him, he never wants to have sex. Can’t perform. Doesn’t eat well. Always tired. “not in a good place”…. Find him a therapist. He starts to see him. Then I realize this is all a sad joke. I’m in trouble. I don’t understand this. I go see his therapist. He asks me, “do you want to stay married to an alcoholic?” I say yes, he says get to Ala non asap. This Thursday, I will attend my first meeting. I was in total denial. We are both 58, and financially I can’t make it one my own. I’ve thought about staying just for the financial security. I am so in love with him. Will he ever stop? I’ve caught him in so many lies. He looks right at me and tells me lie after lie. It’s so hard to realize that he chooses vodka over me. I need to understand this thing called alcoholism.

  105. My husband is what I would describe as a happy and sloppy drunk. He is never violent, and typically becomes a drooling 3 year old. He gets boisterous, very clumsy, smelly, and basically what one might think of when I would describe a drunken homeless person sitting on the street. The kids don’t want to be around him when he’s drinking, and neither do I. I always threaten to leave, but I can never bring myself to do it. I know he’ll self destruct. I feel that my being here is the only thing keeping him held together. I do feel like a parent. When I go to work, I’m constantly afraid that he will drink too much and fall asleep leaving my teenagers to put my toddler to bed, or worse, an accident happens, and he won’t be able to take anyone to the hospital. He goes through periods when he quits drinking for months at a time, and usually starts up again when his two drunken brothers are around offering him drinks. Yes, they know that he has quit drinking when they offer him drinks. He has the inability to say “No”.

    When he’s not drinking, I couldn’t be happier. It’s when he starts back up again that I feel all sorts of emotions like: frustration, fear, anger, sadness, anxiousness, and helplessness. These emotions immediately trigger me to want to flee. But, I keep trying to hang on in hopes that he will get better. It’s gotten to the point where he tells me that he drinks because of me and because I won’t have sex with him as much as he wants. The reason that I don’t have sex with him much anymore is because of his drinking. It disgusts me, and he can’t see why. When we met, we were both into drinking. I always figured that he would be able to quit and not be so much into binge drinking. I was so wrong, and I realized that after I had already become invested in this relationship and marriage.

    We have been living together for 6 years and married for 4 years. I slowed way down on drinking pretty much right after we were married. I had began to go back to college to pursue my degree in psychology. Now, I may consume a total of one six pack in a year, but I refuse to drink when he is not drinking. I could care less about alcohol anymore, and I wish that he could see that life is much better in the real world. Basically, I have grown up and have been improving my life and am constantly improving myself to ensure a pleasant future, but he’s still stuck in his teenage years like its 1996. I see that now and wish I would have been able to notice this before. I’m at a complete loss. I try to just do my own thing and ask him to please leave me alone when he’s drinking, but he likes to try and egg me on. He wants me to join in and get drunk with him. He then tells me how boring and lame that I am for not wanting to be just like him. He says I don’t know how to have fun, and that I have a stick up my … Help?

  106. I heard this song today and it reminded me so much of us that love ” our ” addicts it is truly like a burning house
    I had a dream about a burning house
    You were stuck inside, I couldn’t get you out
    I laid beside you and pulled you close
    And the two of us went up in smoke

    Love isn’t all that it seems I did you wrong
    I’ll stay here with you until this dream is gone

    I’ve been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
    Trying to take what’s lost and broke and make it right
    I’ve been sleepwalking too close to the fire
    But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
    In this burning house

    See you at a party and you look the same
    I could take you back but people don’t ever change
    Wish that we could go back in time
    I’d be the one you thought you’d find

    Love isn’t all that it seems I did you wrong
    I’ll stay here with you until this dream is gone

    I’ve been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
    Trying to take what’s lost and broke and make it right
    I’ve been sleepwalking too close to the fire
    But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
    In this burning house

    The flames are getting bigger now
    In this burning house
    I can hold on to you somehow
    In this burning house
    Oh, and I don’t wanna wake up
    In this burning house

    And I’ve been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
    Trying to take what’s lost and broke and make it right
    I’ve been sleepwalking too close to the fire
    But it’s the only place that I can hold you tight
    In this burning house….we definitely feel like we are sleepwalkers.

  107. Hello my name is Jessica currently married and have a son. I need my husband for about 5 years. We got married then had our son. When I did meet him he smoked mariguana and drink a lot. Then he had lowered his drinking. We have moved 2 years ago to Delaware and I had need working in the evening and I’ve gotten phonecalls from my sister in law saying my husband is drunk throwing up and on his way to the hospital. I have jus moved to my parents house . Inorser to get myself together like getting my liscence , work because I was unpeloyed within 2 months . our plans was to come to Ny n get our selfs up. He backed up cuz its funny how my husband had requested for a raise n till when I when down to ny they gave him a raise. N told him in 3 months they will give him another raise. I have really been sad for us. But I’m really dointt this for my son n myself. He had been spending money on weed and giving my son milk N munchies for him. He always be putting me like if it was my fault telling at me in the phone. I covered his back from my family n still hady hope for him to change but he had been telling me this since we saw we was gonna b parents. I need help

  108. Oh yeah, let me also say that an alcoholic doesn’t care about anything else in life but getting that drink one after the other. It just gets worse. Don’t stick around thinking it might get better because most probably it won’t. They can’t help it. I see how life is passing him by and it’s a pathetic way to live. I can see the pain on his face and it is heart breaking. Married almost 18 years. I’m glad to be moving on. I have so many dreams now. You can too. If they don’t get help, they don’t want it. Just see it as it is. We deserve to have a good life. Do what you can to get it!!!
    One more thing. If you are new at this – run!! You do not want to have a relationship with an alcoholic. Run and don’t look back. It’s a terrible way to live.

  109. So it has been almost 1 year since I last left a comment; January 22, 2015 to be exact. Since then I lost my mother v in May, my alcoholic husband lost his job two weeks after that and it was/still is very hard to move forward. I did however, finally file for divorce. Even though I am financially challenged I found a way. He still lives in the back office and drinks all day long and now unemployed and depressed. We feel terribly bad for him as he is suffering as his Vodka runs his daily life. My lovely teenage children agreed it is time. I care for him but I must move on with my life. I don’t have to be lonely. I will find a job and find a way to keep my house. If he does ever stop drinking, which I hope he does for his sake, I hope he too finds some kind of happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy. Find your way to happiness. It can be done. I’m glad I checked back in to write this. We don’t have to sit down and take it. We can stand up for ourselves and find a healthier way to live. I pray this year brings much happiness, prosperity, health and joy for 2016. I wish the same for all of you who are suffering.

  110. My husband is a compulsive liar, He says one thing an do another an really believe what he is saying. From money, to staying out one or two nights saying he was in the hospital or ran his car in the ditch to what every. He uses everything as an excuse or start a argument to leave. I’m washed up, I can’t keep paying all the bills when he goes on a beng it went to once a msg to 2 mths at a time. I pray an pray , I used to get mad brake things even push him or slap him, now I just pay him no attention don’t help with his personal bills, but I need rent an electric an water, the cable. But his child support, an his car payment his drinking I don’t give him money for, we lost trash service cause he rather get hi than pay the bill, I would ask if he paid it an he would say yes then late notes start coming in the mail…….. I feel crazy an lost

  111. I have been married to my husband for 12 years, I love him, and I believe he loves me also. He stopped drinking at one point of our marriage for 3 years, while he was sober we adopted twin girls. After the girls were 1, his younger brother passed away, my husband started drinking again only worse than ever. I tried leaving him, and we were separated for 2 years, we got back together, and now the drinking is worse than ever. I have found cocaine in his truck, straws in his pockets, and he tells me that I am crazy, even when I confront him with the cocaine in my hand!! He doesn’t do cocaine on a regular basis, but sometimes when he is drunk. I have never done drugs in my entire life, I have been drunk in my lifetime maybe 5 times, and I am 48 years old. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t believe he is using drugs at the moment but he drinks a fifth of whisky every night. What am I to do?

  112. Oh my it is so hard to believe that it has been since April that I have written here. THERE are so many entries since then! This is so so sad that ther are so many of us in love with addicts. What an evil devil of a disease this is notice is is spelled “dis” ease we are are in so much un ease!
    I left my husband at the door step of a rehab center in March he headed by a first class flight to a fla rehab center and was there until June. I am living in Calf he is living in Jersey. We have met three times during these 9 months each occasion he has been clean and so fun to be with. I have recently decided to retire from a great and fabulous job due to the want and need to have a somewhat normal live. The husband just came for a visit for the holiday and decided after getting man at me Christmas morning to go on a 24 hr binge. I was floored and blind sided. My daughter who I am living with observed all of this. Her father who she had no real relationship from the time she was 8 with died of alcoholism two years ago. She now has chosen to take her anger and fear out on me for the recent episode whe will not talk with me and hasnt in two days! She blamed me for setting my husband up to fail. I am so so miserable and feel like such a failure that I want to run away and just never never look back. WHY is it that we are damned if we do and then damned if we dont?

  113. I live with a man that drinks to much after work he drinks up to 3 beers ,
    once in a while he will get mad at me and leave with his friends and doesn’t come back
    till next day .please give me advise I’m sick of it already.

  114. This is my life, it’s so weird to read this. I had the courage to leave but found out I was pregnant. I love my son so much and want him to have both parents. I fear leaving because who will be there when my son see’s his dad and he is on one of his drinking and drug binges. I know he can’t control himself even for his kids when his little girl was 7 she called me in the middle of the night scared because she could not find her daddy. I came over and 10 min later he came in the door. I knew he drank and was upset with him what if there was a fire or break in ???!!! Now I think about this all the time. I don’t know what to do.

  115. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic for over 12 years and have tried leaving so many times, but always end up back. I am not “allowed” to have a job and have custody of his grandchildren because of their parents drug abuse. Just last night I went through a yelling lecture on how everything is my fault. From “teaching” a 9 year old child not to get out of bed at night, to enabling my adult drug addicted children to come to the house and do as they please. I have two grown boys of my own who have their own houses and support themselves and neither one uses drugs or alcohol. He is referring to his children, which confuses me when he calls them mine. I am called lazy and of course fat on a regular basis and I honestly don’t know how I am not in a nut house by now. He works out of town the majority of the time, so its a little easier to ignore, but he is home at the moment and we have a big yard and there are man jobs, that frankly I am not able to do, but am expected to.

  116. We have 10 yr old twins. My husband is a stay at home functioning alcoholic. Do I leave? Do i stay? Can I say no more alcohol after 1/1/16 and will he listen? What do I do if he doesn’t? Follow thru on me leaving or ask him to leave? Who keeps the kids?

  117. How to deal with this. Been married to this addict since 2012. I have spent tons of money as in thousands on bailing him from jail paying lawyers fees and household expenses Bc he can’t or won’t work. Now I have 5 children 2 grown and out of the house , 3 little girls 9,6 and 3. The 3 year old is his and I’m due to have a baby within 2 weeks. The infant his also. He’s crazily hooked on mixing prescription pills and I can’t handle it. It makes him violent stupid angry quick to blame others for his actions and he’s very accident prone. He’s crashed 5 cars of mine in 3 years he doesn’t have a license but demands to drive and “knows it all”. How do I handle this. I can’t go through this anymore. He stays up all night and sleeps most of the day away. I’m supporting the house on savings I had from before I met him and it’s getting lower and lower. His mom and sister enable him and they live about 30 mins away so they don’t really involve themselves in our daily life. I have no friends or family. Nobody I can count or fall back on. And whenever I seek to trust someone I wind up having a problem to deal with Bc they somehow get too involved and tell him something I say and then I have hell to pay. What to do now ? I’ve prayed I’ve cried I’ve tried ignoring the problem I’ve tried avoiding it. I have not left though. Bc I don’t know how. The place is under my name only and being pregnant I cannot physically move out myself either anyway. I’m in the process of making a 3 month exit plan meaning I will start looking for a place while I’m physically recovering from postpartum. It’s a high risk pregnancy. I’m 40 and he’s 37. I have a doula to help me at the birth and to talk with before. But I have low iron may need a transfusion and nobody to help me after baby is born.

  118. I am currently in this situation. I’ve been married now for almost 4 years and I honestly don’t know how I have lasted this long. I did not truly understand his addiction and I was too ashamed to ask for help. In 2013 I physically had a breakdown…. I lost my job, we lost our babies, our lights were shut off, he did not have a steady job, I had my 13 year old son to care for, all of the money he did make went to his (4) children’s child support payment, I honestly just could not go on physically. I searched for a job for almost a year before I found something and I thought that with me having a job things would get better…(it didn’t). We still did not have lights which meant we slept in a cold house for almost 2 years, oh and during that time our car died…. I was working all the time with little help from him, he basically stayed home and drank/smoke with his buddies/family. We ended up staying with my grandmother for 2 years, she allowed us to use her new car for work/errands/etc, we were not paying rent we basically just needed to pay our bills and get on our feet (that did not happen). He took advantage of her car, he would drop me off to work and never bring it back until he picked me up from work, I would have to call him all day, he would be so sloppy drunk, we found a lady that was willing to sell us her house but just paying the back taxes ($2500.00) at the most, he would not help pay it! He kept lying about a payment plan, I put all of my money into getting the electric and pipes done to move into the house all I asked was that he move our posessions into the house, (he did not and all of our things were destroyed or stolen) we lost that house because a whole year later he still never made a payment…….. I finally had enough! I realized that I was the enabler!!!! I put so much trust in him and whenever things went wrong, I just keep working and never really making him own up to what he was doing. To have a good time I even went against what I believed just to enjoy him, I started to drink and smoke and then I woke up…. I could not continue on this path with him. People always asked why I stayed, well because I took a vow and I love him. What I have come to realize is that as much as I love him, counseling, talking and giving ultimatiums were not going to help our situation. I have decided to take the tough love approach. We are currently still married however, we are separated, I have decided to move away to another state. I do not want to do it but, I know that in order for me to heal I need a more positive environment for myself and my son. I have left the door open for him to come but until I leave in June of this year we are separated and it hurts terribly. I want to love and hold him but I can’t. This tough love approach has turned my life around. I no longer carry around the stress and burden of wondering if he is in jail or somewhere dead. I think about it but I am/have become more focused with loving myself and re-establishing myself. I do not know what the future will be like for us, but for me at this moment, I choose to leave in order to live. I pray for him and try to be an example for my son. I hope that he will soon realize that he has/need to change or he will die. Has anyone tried this approach to an addicted spouse? If so please let me know how it turned out for you?


  119. I’ve been married to an alcoholic for the past 5 years. I was never around any kind of addiction until I met my husband, I used to think that he’s just like stay out and have fun. Not until he started drinking heavily and after all the broken promises that he will stop and he went to rehab and his counselor suggested that I go to Al-Anon meetings and when I heard people sharing their stories that it hit me….
    And not listening to anyone I though that if we have kids he will stop, but sure enough he didn’t and it’s even getting worst… now that we have one year old twin boys, I can’t take anymore, before we had kids I didn’t care what will happen to me, but now that I have two precious little boys, I want to protect them, I don’t want them to go through what I’m going through with him..
    I’m 42 years old, no money no job and not place to go, I can’t leave him, all my siblings live abroad and me being in the US it makes it even harder because of the time difference.
    And to make things worse, he owns a bar, and that’s where he does most of his drinking… and it’s not even making him money he has to put money in the account every month to keep the doors open, he ran away all the costumers.
    He went to rehab three times; only the last one stuck for 6 months until his drug addict sister accused him of touching and groping her, she made him believe that he did when he was drunk and that’s why he can’t remember it, and when that didn’t work and everyone knew she was lying, she told her husband and their father (former alcoholic) the he had sex with her, that didn’t even stop there, she called his restaurant using his mother’s name telling his employees that he needs to go to the police because there’s a warrant for his arrest for “child molestation” and to top it off, one night he was drinking at his place, so she called their parents to go there to see him drinking, so he got in a fight with his father, not physical, but he said the F word to him in front of his mother because AGAIN HE accused him of sleeping with his sister, we know that his father don’t believe that, but he said it just to hurt him, now his father is not talking to him for saying the F word in front of his mother…
    It was one thing after another with his family, and that drove him to the edge, all that because he stopped giving them money. I know it sounds that I’m making excuses for him, but I’m not, sometime I feel sorry for him.
    But now I’m so tired of the drinking, I can’t take it anymore, he’s been promising me to go to rehab since our twins were born…
    I don’t know what to do…..

  120. We have a sordid past, with him blaming me for him getting kicked out of school, not remembering? that he threatened my life and held me hostage until I took him to the store to get alcohol. That’s just one of our many stories.

    Since I have been with him (two years), he has managed to stay sober or several weeks at a time, only to get drunk again.

    We are in our early 40s, and have both been around the block with addiction stuff. I am so close to finally leaving him so that I can work on my own issues and finally get well… And hopefully be well enough to not fall into this pattern of winding up with alcoholics or addicts who just do not want to do what it takes to get well. I need to work on myself, and being with him is a distraction from that, to say the least. But it is taking me awhile to have the courage and faith to actually leave him for good. I am trying to be okay with my place in this process.

    I pray for all of us.

  121. No one can tell you what you should do. I’ve been married for 30 years and my soulmate of a husband has battled alcoholism the entire time. When our kids were young, he had eleven sober years and there have been large amounts of time in recovery besides but…The past six years have been a downward spiral that, after much anguish, prayer and consideration, caused me to seek a divorce and to get my own apartment. It has most definitely been a process. I am also in counseling. I love this man with every ounce of my being but I hate his addiction with a passion. I had never wanted to play this card, moving out and divorcing him, but even after losing his job last year and being out of work since and getting his first DUI in September, life was still too easy for him. I don’t know if he’ll get the help he needs (he has been in in-treatment places three times, out-patient twice and AA throughout) but this time, I am putting myself and my needs first. It’s taking some getting used to but I am growing happy. My best to all of you.

  122. I need help. It’s been over 10 years that he has promised he will stop. I always have hope. I have no more hope. I don’t know what to do next. Can you please help me?
    I can’t take it anymore. It is making me sick. It is making my son stay away from home.

  123. My husband has been lying to me about his addiction for two years. At least that’s when I started paying attention. He was unemployed and still planning our daughters wedding. Every month a $200.00 cash advance. To cash. So he confessed it was for pain mess. Vicodin at first then norcos then percacets. He was buying threw a person on the streets after he used his prescriptions. So I took that card away. He would pawn his wedding ring until he got paid . Because I did all the financial paper work. I would only give him money for gas and a small allowance. Again I found out he was buying from a dealer after he told me he was only going through pain management. Prescriptions only. He now buys for him and his mom. Also addicted to pain meds. I separated bills insurance and our roooms. The minute I gave his credit card bill he used checks for $4,000.00. . A card I’ve only paid on and never used. And he denied using it so I claimed fraud. And the other day found a receipt that proved him wrong. I’m ready to leave. I believe I’m in the right. I don’t like being treated this way. I take care of the home the dog. I’ve paced his lunch made dinner every night I work full time. And he does nothing. I spent the money on artificial turf because he would mow the lawn. I can’t help him. He does it behind my back. I make him pay his own bills now. He’s behind on all of them. And he pays me half the mortgage.

  124. Hello, I am not married to an alcoholic. I’m the oldest of 3, and in my family my dad is the alcoholic. I’m reaching out because my mom is accommodating the needs of my alcoholic dad, not seeing just what it does to the kids. I understand that she’s having trouble seeing exactly what it’s like for us, the kids, mainly me because I don’t tolerate his rampages and I always end up fighting with him. Sometimes it gets physical. I grew up with this disease, and instead of accepting that this has affected my growth, my mom insists that all of my “issues” come from another side of my family. But growing up, I was always told I was worthless and would amount to nothing whenever he was drunk. He won’t get help, instead he has yearly “breaks” and goes right back to how he was before. My mom says that she married him with this disease, he’s her life partner, and he comes before us (kids) because of her choice. So I’m submitting this in her stead. She would rather clear her husbands problems then pull the problems from the route, and quite honestly.. It’s too much. She can’t see it from our view, and my brother and sister hold back because they know nothing they say will change it.

    Thank you for your time.

  125. I am married to an alcoholic for 21 years. My friends have joked for years that I am an enabler. Well they are right. He has health problems and feels that they are not related to drinking. He has told me he is an alcoholic but refuses to stop or get help. He has promised to cut back and will for a bit then just starts up again. I need to know how to help myself and stop nagging him. How do I let go of the control. I love him. I need to know how to live with him and be happy

  126. I just got married in October. I knew my husband drank before we got married but he never seemed to act drunk but now, he always seems drunk even after a few drinks. I grew up with alcoholic parents who were never around physically, mentally or emotionally. I am beginning to resent my husband and I can’t even stand to look at him or be around him when he’s drinking. The only time we get along is during the week when he works so he can’t drink until evening and I go to bed early. Weekends are the worst because he will begin drinking in the morning and all day! I am so angry at him all the time. I can’t get past this. We live in a small town where there is nothing for me to do and nowhere for me to go. We are always broke because he works full time and I only work part time due to my anxiety issues. All I want to do is get away from him when he drinks. I feel trapped, I feel like a made a huge mistake in marrying him and my anger gets worse everyday! He can be mentally abusive and I have seen him get physically angry but he’s never hurt me. That is usually when I am egging on the situation. How can I stop being angry? I get totally disgusted when I see him drinking too much, his eyes half shut, slurring his words and stumbling around. I think I am more abusive, verbally and mentally, towards him when he’s drinking than he is to me. I don’t know how to stop! It is literally killing me inside! I think maybe one of the reasons I feel so angry and out of control is that I don’t have an escape. I don’t have anywhere safe to go to be alone or to get away from him. Please give me some advice. I am so unhappy!!!

  127. My husband is addicted to meth and its hard for me not to see the signs… he wants me to look the other way and I’m not so sure I can. He puts his friends first and actually everything comes before our relationship. HE chose to leave recently… he said he couldn’t take my controlling, insecure, untrusting ways. Now he’s asking to come back and with the holidays I feel extra convicted to let him back home.


  128. Hi .. I am 21 years old and engaged to a drug addict. At first I did not know what it was and hoe bad it was … until I move in with him. He keep asking for money from me at people next door for money in the name of trying to get to work. 2 months of staying with him and it started to change me and stress me. So I tried to seek advice and people close to me said I must leave him , but I feel guilty about leaving him alone on top off all the problems his family are not around to help him get out of this situation. His sister which he is close to is also a drug addict, and she give him money to go get more when he runs out of it.
    So I told him I needed time to think and i went back to my mothers house when I tried to explain what was going on she said I must move out and go some where also … i really don’t know what to do and i feel so alone.. I need advice please help me

  129. I too am a victim of my husbands alcohol and pot addictions. Its been a roller coaster for 5 yrs. he goes to aa for a few months then back to drinking. When hes not drinking he resorts to other addiction of gambling thousands of dollars away. Both are bad. Married nov 2014 and in sept he decided he doesnt love me after 9 months married and he wants to date others! Off the wall! He got a very expensive apt and we have argued since then about his actions. He doesnt know how to comminicate. I filed for divorce. The last 3 months i really havent existed to him. No concern for me at all. My lawyer says im doing the right thing cuz addicts are selfish and they are #1. So true! They are narcissitic and only care about their self. I do love him but it feels like a one way street.

    1. Hi Sandy. It’s seems to me like you are walking in the right direction. I’m sure it took a lot of courage and determination to finally file for divorce, but sometimes enough is enough! Good luck in your life from now on 🙂

  130. Six years ago I had been widowed for one year. My late husband died suddenly on his way to work of a heart attack. My two sons were 14 and 16 (they are now 22 and 24.).
    My husband and his now x wife and son and daughter were known to us as mine and his sons played football together and both families knew each other through football holidays and weekend tournaments.
    My husband phoned a couple of times to enquire about my sons and seemed very nice although I was a bit hurt that his wife had not been in touch , but he seemed to be in touch on her behalf.
    One day he phoned distraught and myself being a holistic therapist thought I could help him. Because he was a friend of my late husband and my sons I wanted to help.
    I tried to suggest my therapies and ended up just listening to him ( I knew he was very troubled and wasnt at all interested in him romantically at this point).
    He came and left one day and long story short I found him hanging from a gate post by his belt as I walked the dog nearby. I never would have taken that particular route but because of some people I wanted to avoid I went left instead of right.
    I pulled him down and gave him the kiss of life and phoned an ambulance and the next thing he was taken away and it was as if it had never happened. I obviously was distraught and went home and told my sons, who were also devastated.
    A few days later he phoned and apologised and came round with some flowers to apologise and said he was waiting to go torehab. He spotted my sons guitar and we got talking about music. My sons guitar needed restringing so he restrung it and ended up taeching my son a few chords.
    He seemed to be drinking with someone nearby and we used to see him staggering around drunk. He lived in the next twn with his then wife and it appeared that they didnt want to know each other.
    He appeared another time and slit his wrists in our bathroom when my son had to kick the door down. I noticed his mobile rang and his mum phoned and came and the police and ambulance also and he was taken away. we were distraught and ambarresed as he was led away in handcuffs.
    Two days later he apperared and asked my son to go with him to by me some flowers to thanks me. My son reluctantly went as he can be so forceful.
    As they arrived back his then wife and kids appeared in the car and shewas not happy and he appeared to be whisked away.
    The next thing I got a letter from the thn wife all about how she liked my late husband but did I have to stealhers. All this was the exact year to the day that we laid my late husband to est and were expecting family round.
    We just wanted him to go to rehab and dissapear.
    Eventually he did go and we often wondered what he would be like sober.
    I secrectly thought I might have fallen in love with him even as ridiculous as it sounds.
    He suddenly appeared at my door 5 months later and I was thrilled to see him. He said he was going to make his marriage work, I was a little sad, but thrilled for him as it was the right thing all round . I didnt know though that the x wife had a court order against him to keep him away from the house, so 2 weeks before xmas she turned him away. His stepdad didnt wnt to know so he couldnt stay with his Mumand eventually I put him up on the settee.
    We had a terrible time with him going back to the drink and coming and going. I eventually sorted a flat out for him nearby and got him in there. I helped get him stuff and did everything more or less. I startd to spend more time with him and there were several times when he didnt drink for days so I stayed with him to help him. We grew close and both fell in love. He used to say how I would see he was great when he was sober and sometimes we had great music nights. I used to sing in a band and so di he so we used to sing and dance and laugh and I thoroughly enjoyed myself and let my hair down. Gaz is the funniest, nicest most gorgeous romantic man I had ever met and I was hooked. He was always so kind and loving towards me that I was sure it was everyone elses fault and hed been handed a raw deal. I hasten to add that I love my own company and am quite capable and happy to live alone, but I had fallen for this man. He was so completely different to my husband that it seemed ok and seemed meant. I did feel a little guilty on my sons however as they only had me, but I convinced myself that they were growing up and I was only streets away when I wasnt with them.
    I started to see the other side of him when his drinking got worse and he was falling out with people nearby and always going off to hospital in an ambulance for one thing and another. I gave him an ultimatum and he went in detox and came out determined. We found him a new flat nearby again and he was determined to show me what hewas really like sober. We had been on a couple of holidays and he was brilliant as he just drank beer and didnt get really pissed, and I was thrilled that he was like that.
    He stopped drinking for two years as the story goes although quite honestly there were half a dozen slip ups that he thought he had hidden from me. He was eventually brilliant. He helped me with some of my work (tai chi)etc and everyon e loved him. He could laugh and enjoy life without a drink.We became engaged and he asked for my hand in marriage sober and it ws so romantic. I encouraged him to write songs and paid for him to record some which he did. He wrote a song called thankyou Fiona and I cried wwhen I heard it. (It may still be on soundcloud under Gaz Wiseman). We sang wrote and played guitar and he recoedred 2 albums which he put on i tunes sound cloud. He is on twitter with his albums ‘then and now’ and ‘further down the line’
    We went to Liverpool and had an amazing weekend and drank beer and thought we could do that every 6 months. Shortly after he was sneaking the vodka disguised in the pop bottle again. I was srtaying at his flat nearby so we could be together and my sons were staying at home in my house. I was getting fed up of living out of carrier bags and missed my home. Gaz knew I was unhappy but we didnt want my lads to feel uncomfortable so I lived like this for a few years and tried to make the flat nice. I was getting really fed up though as the lads werent of course keeping the house in order and it was always a mess so I felt I had 2 [laces to sort and my head was all over the plac. By this time he was sneaking out at 6am again and pissed out his head by 9am. My day was just beginning and he was going back to bed. I used to make sure he was safely in bed before I could start my day, but he would text and ask why I had left and had I gone to be with my boys who were now knocking 20. they were at uni and were amazing, he wouldnt even be alive if it werent for them as they had saved him so many times and got him out of scrapes and forgiven him.
    It always seemed to be that things would get better when he was over this or when that was done.
    I actually belived him when he said after we were married it would all work out. We went to barbados and had a dream wedding just the two of us and a party at a local hotel with all our friends and family when we got home it was brilliant.Id never been so happy, The plan was that the lads were going to move in to his rented flt, he was hoing to move in my house and get a job, any job and we were gonna be sorted. Because he had been sober before I thought it would all work out. A few months later we were married but nothing had changed as he didnt want the lads in his flat as they night make a noise, I just flt this was an excuse and nothing changed. He got depresed the it was one thing after another. I booked us a holiday to cheer him up and the night before he broke his leg badly and I fell out with him but becouse his mum was saying how bad it was for her I felt I had to stay with him and look after him. He is 45 and she treats him like a baby. I am 54 and cant be doing with it. His son and daughter are lovely and we all get on but it feels like everyone is battling for top dog position. His grandma who he lived with when he was young died last year aged 90 and I encouraged him to go everyday as hes not working ( I know what its like as Ive done the same for my own mum who was in her 80s when I had to get 2 buses and 2 small children with me. i hekped and supported them all and now it just feels like hes turned on me and my sons.
    I have helpde my sons move into a flat and he is drinking more than ever. We have been married 2 years and now that he can have just us which is all he has aver wanted he is just putting blocks and sabotaging things.
    I told him I never wanted him in my house as a drunk as Im not going through al that again so I kept sending him away when drunk.
    So now Im in my house alone, hes at his flat, my lads are in their flat and hes just saying he thinks Im soft and that my lads will always be popping round which theyre not its me that pops to them.
    He fell out with me recently and brought my ring and necklace I gave him just because I wached a few fireworks and had a laugh with my friend and her husband and kids Ive known her 50 yrs. Just for once I thought of myself and he said it was alright at the time as he wanted to go to a drink meeting the next morning and go to detox. As soon as I told him Id had a bit of a night out (the first in years) he gave my ring back and wanted a divorce. Hes txt a couple of times as if nowts wrong and txt today asking to talk as hes not happy. The thing is Im a bit upset with his mum and daughter who know what hes like and Ive always supported them and Ive not had one txt asking how I am. I dont want to tell my sons too muc or mt two good friends as I dont want to lose respect. I cant believe we were in america looking after my brother whod had a seroius car crash only weeks go and gaz was amazing. He seems like 2 different poeple. Hes been inhospital vomiting blood and alsorts, seems forever in an ambulance and yet on the days he doesnt drink he is smart looking and seems to look down his nose at people who do drink. Im trying to be strong and not go running to him as Im well aware of his mind games and the way he has us all running around after him. Ive told him that Ive actually decided to take hime up on his f—k offs and said he shouldnt push me. Im sure he sees me as a challenge. He always said he just wants to work and Ive been praying that a job would sort him out but nothing. As Ive written all thisits helped me see really that this is the way he is. I think it must be his romantic side and the lovely things he does and the fact we both love each other that keeps this going, but Im tring to think of the shit things he does so I keep some self respect. Thanks to anyone who read this monster reply xxx

  131. I am 65 my ex husband is 56. I divorced him 11 years ago for my sanity & self respect. I am a strong person & I had family support – but I still to this day jump when I get the chance to with him. I miss him so bad He was not a violent drunk now everyone says “Your the stupid one that divorced him”. I am all alone & can’t give up his memory – he just lives 2 miles from me . He has no other woman that I know of. He lives with another alcoholic man & they aren’t gay, but they are happy together & it makes me feel awful that I couldn’t hold his attention. HELP !!

  132. I have spent 11 long years with this man I call my husband. I have suffered through an affair, splitting up only to get back together again. it seems like a thousand times but its been about 4 times over the last two years. When I finally though I was doing it for good after his DWI I found out he was finally doing the one thing I thought he never would. He went to rehab! It turns out that was just another manipulation. I took him back only for the last three months for him to go right back to his old ways. Following all the way up to this weekend of disappearing, getting a phone call from the cops to go get him and him disappearing again. This time my parents were in town to witness. This only broke my heart more because I never wanted them to know what me and my son had to live through. I made the decision Friday night that this would be my last time. This was too much. It was time to end this 11 year saga. It will be hard but I am thankful I came across this blog and your story Amanda. Thank You. I am sure I will be spending many days and nights during weak moments on your blog. Its going to be a long journey but one that must be faced to be really happy and enjoy life!

  133. My husband has been addicted to porn and sex for over 30 years and I found out 4 years ago. He has been in recovery since then but has had many lapses. I also am in recovery for co-dependence. I no longer yell or threaten. I just say if you want this marriage here are the things I need to have a healthy marriage…… He says he doesn’t want to be like “this” and I know he doesn’t but honestly I’m just tired for me and our four children. Any advice?

  134. I’m married to a functioning verbally abusive Alcoholic Man. We have been together for 32 years married 21 years. He’s very arragent, lacks compassion, Empathy. Doesn’ know how to communicate. He’s never wrong and blames me for everything. I need to break free, I have gone to counseling ( he got angry) I have tried to find these resources available but they don’t exist….I have isolated myself from friends and family…I was told I was crazy for years and started to believe it so I got tested…. Not crazy!!! Problem is I’m disabled…. I Have MS and other medical issues….Attorneys want 250- 300 a hour. I don’t have that kind of money!!! I don’t have anywhere to go!! This toxic relationship is killing me and the stress is off the chart….which is really bad for MS…..II don’t know what to do!!! I feel so trapped…. When he’s not picking a fight over stupid things, he turns on the silent treatment. He knows what he’s doing and he’s really good at it….he Lies, very sneaky. I found out what he’s been doing to me is called gas lighting …form of mental abuse…when the DV Counsler told me this I felt so stupid I did not ask her what it means….I looked it up when I got home. So lost alone and afraid! Please help!! Teri

  135. You do not have to live with everyone you love. I love my parents but I don’t live with them. Having an addicted spouse is a completely different ball game, especially for a woman. As a wife, you owe them your body, your soul. If you stay with someone who is poison for your mind, body, and soul then you are killing yourself. You can love someone and choose not to live with them day in and day out. I have been married to an addict for 24 years. He’s been in and out of jail; pawned everything of value we owned including the kids Christmas presents. One year my kids woke up to no Christmas (after I spent everything I could to try to make it decent), no TV, no food. All money goes to the addiction. And as a man, he will run rough shod over your life. He will spend every dollar he can get you to spend and charge up the cards to supply his selfish wants/needs. He has no concern for you except to the point that you are no longer his cash cow. That is a fact. Accept it or not. We do not live in a fairy tale. Everyone talking about – if you leave you never had love to begin with – put down Cinderella and join us all in the real world. If you have small children they will end up with issues just like he has. Thankfully, for most of my kids childhood their father was in prison. That was a gift from God that allowed them to become mentally well adjusted. I have stayed and I have learned one thing. Staying means you will have to take care of him until he dies. He will never be an equal partner in the relationship and he will never take care of you. If you get sick and unable to kick against him, he will take any meds you get (pain killers, etc.) for himself and leave you there to suffer. It is a fact, it is how his mind is wired. Take that for what it is. We’ve been through medical detox 3 times in the past year and a half and he is back drinking again. Now I wish he would go ahead and drink himself to death so I can have a couple of years of peace before I die. It would be nice to experience the world without all this stress and resentment and burden for a change. Today he is out of beer. He is calling me at work screaming how horrible I was for leaving him on the couch without beer and cigarettes – he spent $45 fixing the hot water heater (odd job) 2 days ago and wants his $45 back. He hasn’t held a steady job in over 20 years. It’s horrible to cringe when your husband decides he wants to have his way with your body. That’s where you are headed.

  136. I have been married for 35 years. My husband retired young-55- due to having bypass surgery, I continued to work and realized after I retired 6 years ago that he was abusing alcohol. He is an alcoholic, drinking about 5 times a week, He has threatened me physically but did not follow through, Now he is becoming verbally abusive. recently threatening to shoot me. He does not apologize but blames me for his abusive behavior.I only love him now as the father of my children, one of which is having real prolems as an adult with an alcoholic father. I’m afraid that if I leave him, my sons’s problems will get worse. He really wants his father and me to be a happy couple. what do I do ?

  137. I’m completely lost. I’ve been with my husband for almost 7 years. And our life has been one addiction battle after another. I have 2 children (15 &13). They love him and he loves them and he’s the only father they know. But his drinking and addictions prevent him from being a healthy father and husband. He is not abusive or mean but he’s withdrawn and miserable with himself. He goes to work every day and pays the bills, at least before anything is shut off. But we all go without because all the extra money is spent on his beer/cigarette/sudafed addictions. It used to be painkillers. That was a HORRIBLE time in our life! I’ve helped him and stayed by him through 2 major relapses. And he had over a year clean and we were happy! But then his grandpa passed away with his grandma only months later. He was VERY close to them. And that’s when the drinking started to become a daily event. At first, I thought he was grieving and just kinda let him be. Then I realized that it was becoming more and more by the day. I finally talked with him and made him realize it had become a problem. He agreed with me and promised he was going to fix it. Against my better judgement, I agreed to let him try on his own to cut down. He’s done ok. He’s went from 18-24 beers a night down to 8-10. I keep holding on and saying he making progress. But I have gotten to HATE the sound of a can opening. And I dred coming home if I’ve worked at night. I can’t stand to be around him unless he’s sober. Its made me angry and sad. I love him with all my heart but I feel like I just can’t hold on anymore. I’ve lost myself somewhere. And I worry about my kids seeing him drink every day. I know it could be worse but does that mean I should just lay down and take it? More and more every day, I ask myself, leave or stay… When is enough enough? Where does my responsibility to take care of him end? I believe he’s worth fighting for but at what cost? He’s a wonderful man when he’s sober and clean. And even when he’s not, he’s still at home with us trying not to be visually drunk. Am I really doomed to continue this life? Will it get better? Will he stop drinking?

  138. Will after 22 yrs. I now can say I am done. I feel so bad thow that it took me so long to realize. I cant help him. Trying to be a good wife and mothe to our children. Trying to show our kids your mom is being strong and trying tohold the family together. I now would like help for myself and children. I maybe one speak to people that are going throw what I went throw.

  139. I see my self my husband has been a drug addict since I known him ,I use to blame self for his addiction , left him , allowed him to come back in my life nothing changed he had affairs on me his mistress called me several times. Still made excuse to stay very unhappy my life I revolves around his drug addiction are kids are all grown he want to move in a smaller house . I don’t see a future with him because he is in denial . I need help

  140. I am divorcing the alcoholic I have been with since I was 17 years old. I would have been married to him for 26 years in Nov. We have two amazing children who hate him. Yet I still love him. He has cheated numerous times been in rehab 2x and drank himself many days and nights. He is so selfish and blames everyone for his issues. I told him if he didn’t stop I would leave him. He didn’t. The children picked him up in a drunken state at a hotel and that was a year ago. They have begged me to leave him for years and really do not like him. Yet we are being made to feel like the outcastsfrom his family. His family whom I devoted myself to for years and was active while he made excuses not to attend things. The problem, I still love him. I thought losing us would motivate him to stop. I was wrong, nothing can motivate an alcoholic but himself. So as I go through the motions of a divorce that Ido not want. I am preparing for a life that I am terrified of but there is no option. the children hate him and my family will never speak to him. My friends despise him for the grief I have been caused and I feel like he is moving on as is everyone else and I am suffering alone. No one will listen to my pain because he has been so awful in the past to me. I believe there is a good person in there he just needs to come back out. He is blaming me for a bad marriage and ignoring him and I really am at my end. I don’t know how I get up everyday but I do. The pain is almost unbearable and in 2 weeks I sign a divorce paper with a man I love. This just doesn’t seem right.

  141. My love for my alcoholic husband has turned to hate and disgust. We have been married for almost 3 yrs and I have never been through any type of hell like the hell he has put my daughter and I through. I don’t even have the words to describe all the pain and suffering he has caused. He was drunk one nite and shot and killed my 18 yr old son. To this day so many ppl think my son shot shelf while cleaning his gun. My daughter and I were right there when it happened and now live with all this pain. He went through a 28 day treatment but still drinks and lies about it. Two weeks ago he accidently butt dialed me and I listened to him for a straight hour of him bar hopping and asking women to dance while he ordered up his favorite of captain morgan. I know we are supposed to look at his alcoholism as a disease but what about all the disease he is giving to my daughter and i?

  142. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and addicted to crack. Our first year together I didn’t know anything about his problem. He was clean and sober for about 6 months. When he started smoking crack I was completely unaware. When I found out about it he quit soon after. He was clean and sober for about 5 months After that then started smoking crack about once a week or so, then every day again. Now he’s gotten back down to every other day. His drug dealers live quite a distance from us. His license is suspended so he can’t drive. He bullies and threatens me into driving him to get his drugs. The car and insurance are in MY name. I’m in a bad situation and I know it. I’ve been angry with him and we’ve had bad arguments over his addiction, I’ve been depressed and said nothing. I lost my job when we went through this the first time because he constantly texted me and had me so worried what he would pawn while I was away. I think I have a new job now, there will be no more texting while I’m at work. I will block him if I have to. I am taking my jewelry and anything I don’t want him to pawn to work with me. I’m trying to get my life back… I’m at the end of my rope. I left once and had to come back because of financial reasons. (That’s what got him to stay sober for 5 months.) I tell my family and close friends what’s going on, I’m so sick of the lies and deceit! I will NOT lie for him. I try so hard not to hate him for all this but it’s getting harder and harder… I soooo despise crack, alcohol, and drug dealers!!!

  143. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years but just got married last month. In the past he has struggled with opiates, but has been clean (or so I thought) since 2013 right before I got pregnant with our son. He told me he would occasionally take suboxones when he felt temptation, and bought them from a co worker. We got married in August. Son after he confessed to me that he was abusing Percocet again. He made an appointment to see an addictions socialist and got prescribed subs. After that…He confessed that it wasn’t Percocet, he’s been snorting heroin. And had been on and off for over 4 years. I had no idea….I’m so overwhelmed right now. I’m struggling on whether to kick him out and make him deal with these consequences on his own, or stand by him and try to help him. And of course there’s a fine line between helping and enabling which I’m trying not to cross. I’m so scared. Financially he’s really messed up and was behind months on various bills, which I was unaware of. He swears he has hit bottom and can’t live like this anymore and wants to get help and get clean. Deep down I know he is a wonderful beautiful person and a great father. I’m so conflicted.

  144. Me and my kids had been together for almost 17 years…he has been drinking since we were teenagers…we had our first child when I was 17…he was physically abusive before we had kids…then he quit after our first child was born…then he started drinking and nit coming home…cheating, lying and physically abusing me when he was drunk…he left me and my son for another girl then after 4 months he comes back crying and asking for forgiveness…I was almost ready to just let him go but we had gotten pregnant with our 2nd child…after the years passed it got worse…I tried many times to leave but when he reached out for help from his parents they turned him away…they treat him different and he is so loving and caring when he is sober…but when our son was 9 he left us again for another girl and got her pregnant…she is a heartless alcoholic too she would text me awful things and say hurtful things about me and my kids and her other 3 kids would taunt my kids at school that their child is my children’s sibling…I tried so hard to move on…but he went to treatment and i stayed by his side…he almost killed me many of times and now our oldest son has witnessed him hitting me and I promised myself I would never allow that to happen again…but now we our on our 5th baby and he left me for his child’s mom after everything I did for her and her kids…I wanted to be the bigger person and be there for their child and for him to not hide and see their kid…cause when he was drinking he would only call her…but now that I’m 6 months pregnant they started messing around since the beginning of my pregnancy and when I caught them she tried to hide and he just laughed at me…and what hurts the most is my daughter had seen them at his parents house and he was hiding his kid and her mom in his parents bedroom and my daughter heard them arguing and he was telling her to shut up…he only calls her and sees her when he is drinking…but it hurts so much…I’ve been there for him all these years when he would go to jail for abusing me and when he went to treatment…our oldest is 14 years old and our children are so loving and caring and the last thing I want is for them to think this behavior is appropriate and okay…my son has been waking up from me crying in my sleep and he comforts me and tells me it’s going to be okay and to just hold him…I feel so bad allowing my children to have gone through this much pain..I still love him so much but I don’t want me and my kids to live this way anymore…I feel so guilty leaving him but his family are allowing his kids mom to stay with him at his parents like our relationship never existed…his kids mom is an alcoholic too…she just lost her 3rd child to her dad cause of her drinking…all her kids father’s are not around…she is not right for him…but who am I to say who he should be with…if he wants to be with her than I need to let him go…now my focus is on me and my kids…they are so much happier without him and his family in our lives…but it’s only been only 2 weeks…but we’ve been through this for almost 17 years….I hope and pray this shall pass..

  145. I have been with my husband for 14 years, I just recently realized he is an alcoholic. my kids are getting older and I work and come home that’s all I do , I just couldn’t take his abuse anymore physical sometimes but mostly verbal. I felt like I’ve had enough brain damage from all the mean things he says whenever he drinks. last week he told me if I keep telling him to leave he’s going to really leave..So this morning I finally had enough of feeling like it was my fault he is so miserable , because he tells me this all the time when he drinks. We’ll he finally left this morning took all his clothes and is staying with a co worker , I decided I’m willing to putmy foot down even if it meant he may not come back. Should I have kept him at home where he was safe? I am worried he may do something wreckless and end up in jail or something. * I still worry about him, but I know that staying with him and listening to him call me names all day was setting a bad example for my children..

  146. I’ve been reading all afternoon life just like mine. In looking back when my daughter was 4, and she’s 25, I would have stayed out the first time I left with her. My choices did effect her physically,(not abuse), emotionally and memories I wish I could erase. Our 29th anniversary was yesterday. He took me to dinner , shopping, and just so much fun to be with. He said “this is the way I going to be, the old me. I’ve seen so many “me’s and this time. I have a place to move to shortly. I ‘be been to Alonon. Stopped when things started to get better. Why can’t I get better while living with him, doing the program and what else I need to do? I keep thinking about my new place. I hate alcohol, I hate the smell and look of badlands bottles . I probably would own my liquor store. That’s such a horrible disease. The abuse that affects the spouse, kids, animals, extended family. The list goes on and on. I pray I find the courage to leave and leave my best friend and have me daughter understand . I need to be accountable for something in my life.

  147. I am 44 years old & I have been with an addict since I was 15 years old. I am a Mom of 4 Kids & Grandma to 2. I am so tired of the roller coaster ride & I don’t think that I can do this anymore. I am failing emotionally, mentally & physically. My Husband has been in & out of rehab & nothing seems to work. He is the money maker, but I can’t do everything on my own anymore, I am exhausted! If I leave the house for awhile then he is texting me constantly & saying if I only I had did this or that then he wouldn’t drink. Other than leaving I have no idea how to make myself better for me, my Kids & Grandkids?.

  148. I have been married to an addict/alcoholic for 10 years. I didn’t realize what was happening over the years. He has stated that he will never stop drinking. How much clearer can you get. there has always been something. and no things aren’t always bad and no he isnt always drunk. but he’s always drinking. he cuts back for a while and it gradually gets worse until something happens. it’s the way it will be till one of us dies. i realize this. i left in mid may and have my own place. i still see him. i spend about 4 nights a week with him at our house. i enjoy the peace of my apartment but also like being “home”. however, i realize i am living in limbo by not making a firm decision. i not ready to do that. i still love him. but by reading literature about co-dependency and Alanon literature (and a few meetings), i am at peace with not having all the answers and i am at peace with my decision not to go back. peace be with all that are loving a good person who happens to be an addict/alcoholic. it’s not an easy road. remember to take care of you first.

  149. 5 years ago I used to think no that the I dulling was because of the lost of his daughter, my step daughter. I blamed it on the loss of us job and our house fire. After 7 evictions in 5 years it got me to thinking. Is ______ an alcoholic and drug addict (weed head)? I shared with him on occasions with drinking to get in the mood for sex. And began to notice that he wanted this to be an everyday thing. I was at my ropes end with wondering how can anyone function like this. I began to notice the tandems he would throw when he was not intoxicated. When he did not have the weed it was even worse. This caused countless on countless arguments and eventually for her m infidelity. Devasted by the way our marriage was going I decided to call it quits. In those five years I too lost someone very dear to me, my mother and grandmother. I accepted my lost and wanted to do and be better for the sake ,f our children. I have known wn my husband from 16 years and as far as I can remember he dranked and smoked then I just didn’t know to what extent. He keeps employment so does that make him a functional alcoholic and weed head? When he does not have u s fixes the smallest arguments could turn catastrophic WI h u m calling me all sorts of names. My children have had to live though they s. I was not raised around this behavior. So to know that I have allowed my children to live through this is heartbreaking. My two are having s step children and my eldest is 16. I have a daughter whose 10 and she gets to hear the constant degradation. I do stop and let him knowing w I will not allow the name calling but it is relentless. I’m not tired and so ready for seperation.


  150. My Husband was an alcoholic. He now is very controlling, doesn’t make me make choices and He tells my kids & I not to do something but, yet he does the same. Will he get violent?

  151. my husband is an addict to alcohol, pills , meth … When he does any of those he does it to the extreme… He has had several DUI’s and also has been busted for manufacturing … When he stopped using at one point he was the best guy and treated me very well .. But now his drug friends and everyone is really important to him and I am the enemy no matter how good I am to him or what I do for him he is mean , belittling , and always being sarcastic or giving me dirty looks. I have to watch him smoke from his meth pipe every morning he wakes up for work and when he gets home I watch him do it from the time he gets home until bed.. On the weekends it’s constantly running around to all these crazy places that has drugs and drug deals … He is recently started selling dope and I am not allowed to say anything to him even in the most respected way or he treats me like an outcast and belittles me and says I’m the one who is abuseing him and I’m not a mean person at all … I have mentioned rehab several times but he says rehab is for the weak and for people who have a problem he says he likes doing it so to leave him alone about it. He made me stay up until 4 in the morning going through my phone bill and making me call or explain every number I have called and text… I do ask him who he’s texting and I do go through his phone never to that extreme but I do ask … Not sure if I should leave or what . I’ve lost all self worth and I used to be confident , bubbely and now I feel like I just exist … He constantly accuses me of cheating and I’m always either at home or with him… I’m lost!

  152. Since we got married 2 years ago after dating got 13 yesrs, I cannot handle the binge drinking every weekend. Usually he heads to the bar on the weekend after drinking at home, I had convinced myself that he was in control since he doesn’t drink during the weekdays anymore. He has a management role and rarely misses work. However going to the bar is becoming a regular activity; previously he would just drink at home and go to bed. He is a super guy and great father when sober, I just avoid him when he starts drinking because it irritates me, he is not a mean drunk just very talkative, foolish and embarrassing.
    Since we lived apart when dating, I am sure he abused alcohol then. We drank together on the weekends when we saw each other but I never thought it would turn out to be this way.
    Live and learn I guess! It’s an emotional roller coaster, I fear the weekends, any events that we have at home where alcohol is present, his vacation, and his family coming over since they are high functioning alcoholics.
    Sometimes I feel that I can live with it and when he starts drinking, I feel like why the hell am I putting up with this shit? I have the means to go live on my own the only thing holding me back is our lovely 1 year old. I don’t want 30 years to go by and I am still dealing with the same issue. Although I really want another baby I have decided to not have one until he changes ( if he ever does).
    Thanks for listening.

  153. I am with my husband for over a 5 years. We have 3 year old son. He was drinking when i met him first and was drinking constantly. I dont know why i didnt realize he was an alcoholic at that time. Maybe i was student at that time and partied a lot too. After we have been together for 2 years a got pregnant. I wasnt happy at all, because he was drinking a lot. But everyone was telling me that he will change after his first baby so i decided to give a birth. But my baby couldnt change anything for his drinking. We left states and now we are in our hometown. He started drinking more.. from 3 days to 7 days straight vodka whysky. So i left him. But he tortured me every single day. Calling me slut bitch etc. Gave me a hard time. He was drunk everyday. After 6 months he begged me to come back and i did. It was hard to see my son to be raised without father. So when i come back almost nothing has changed. He would drink whenever he has chance and gave me a hard time all night long. He even hit me couple of times. Now i am pregnant with my second child and thinking about abortion. I just cant trust him or believe him anymore. I think i will have our second child when he completely leaves alcohol. But god knows when.

  154. I have lived with my husband for five years now we have not been married a year now n we have a child on the way he also has five children form previous marriage’s. I have helped take care of them senice I got with him. When I first met him he would drink a lot but wasn’t that bad then about 3 years ago he started to beat me n I had to call the cops an we went to court over it n he took his charges and he stopped for about a year then he started up again n it went on for months until he got into a argument with his 16 year old son n had all his kids taken away n I got blamed for that. He got charged with child abuse n was on probation for 8 months n was only sober for not even 5 months now he is back to drinking. I am 7 months pregent an I get verbley abuse every night he never takes a night off from drinking an I want to leave n don’t want my child to go through this. He already says he don’t want the child,and that I’m a whore and it probly isn’t his when I would never do something like that to him cuz he has done it to me n I know how it feels. I want to leave but jus don’t want my kid to ever have to see him. I don’t know what to do please someone help me n tell me what I need to do I’m tired of crying myself to sleep every night

  155. I was sitting here at my desk trying to figure out exactly where to turn and came upon this blog. I NEVER would leave my husband (even though there are days)! I find myself sitting here crying because I now know I am not the only woman that is going through this, but most of the time I feel that I am. This was such a relief to read the stories and get some type of understanding of the part that I play in the addiction. The screaming, yelling and silent treatment. It makes me realize that I am just fueling the situation. I am not sure how to deal with this but have some what of a better understanding. My husband is a VERY HEAVY drinker. He is functioning alcoholic. He works but the minute he walks in the door he grabs a cup and fill it with ice and starts drinking. The weekends are the worst. He drinks enough alcohol by himself that we could provide drinks for 40+ people. It is killing me to see him drink like this. I know it is affecting his health and he won’t go and get help or at at a minimum a physical. Even though he works and sits around and drink all weekend and tell me how we have no money to do anything, home repairs, dinner out vacation etc. But it will spend $100+ a week on alcohol. I have become very resentful and bitter. Some days he tries to cut back or not drink, but when he starts back up he drinks twice as much to make up for the days he didn’t. I love Cora’s analogy that it is like being ocean and be pulled back. We have one child still at home and I try to put on a good face for him. I know he feels his father drinks to much, but since he is a functioning alcoholic he does not know the full extent. There are some black out moments. This has been our dirty little secret or the elephant in the room. It just feel good to be able to write this. I am also scared because I myself am recovered addict (drugs) I don’t have any urge to do any. I pray that it stays that way. I have been cleaned for over 25 years. I have never told my husband about it. This was before we meet.

  156. Hi,
    I’m leaving in Moscow, Russia and my husband is an alcoholic. We just married less than a year ago, in November, 2014 and before marriage I noticed he is drinking beer or wine in the morning, but he explained it as a stress before marriage.
    I really don’t want to detach from him because I like him, I think he is smart and handsome. From the finance side I can easily apart from him beacuse we live in my appartment, I have my own earnings and I have a car.
    I just told my parents about his addiction they advise me to brake up with him and get divorced. My husband mom said that she doesn’t have time or wish to help with this and whem her son comes to her he never drinks or smokes. Near me my husband drinks and smokes a lot which is strongly irritating me.
    I just can’t brake up beacuse I’m already 32 years old, I feel I will never find a new boyfriend and he is my last chance. I think by that way beacuse I was a long time alone without any relationship …was busy with other things and career.
    Logically I understand that I’m co-dependant and should leave him. But I hope that may be he will change. He is well educated, has 2 higher education. He assures me that he is not an alcoholic and he is drinking beacuse he has a home-based free lance job and because I don’t love him.
    So, I really fed up with what I find in the evening after I came home – he is drunk and sleeping. On the other side I trust him that it will change after he finds an office job, he is looking for such job more than 6 months already….
    How to understand that it’s right time to apart? Now I feel me extremely upset when thinking about separation. I start imaging that he will find a new wife, will stop drinking, will be happy and I will be on dating websites searching for a new partner…

  157. when we first met drinking was not an issue. Nor was it when we got married 40 years ago. It slowly creep its way into our lives and had no idea that it was happening. Knew his father was an alcoholic and his brother too. I went to Alanon for awhile, we went to counseling and it helped for awhile. Things were good for several years. I had learned to detach and not enable. However, I let my guard down and just realized that I was starting to do both again. And have again been resentful. He use to use the silent treatment and as most do asked if I did something and if I did would apologize. Did research and found out this is a form of abuse. Just went thru this again last week; only now I don’t fall into the trap. I just go about my life with a smile on my face. Now I just need to once again stop enabling and detach. I try to be loving, but it’s so hard and being intimate is not easy lately. I need to take care of myself first and stop as he says mothering him. Thought I was being helpful, but … referred to a counselor that deals with this and I am going to read all I can about how to once again move forward and most of all take care of myself.

  158. My husband of nine years has been a heavy drinker for the last four years. Drinking when he should be at his work not coming home for days etc. we have three children. I finally left him at christmas past because of a few reasons and not just the drinking. Bills weren’t being paid and our marriage wasn’t like a marriage at all. I always was the main carer for the kids. He has been back and fourth in our lives since but there is still the pattern as before. How do I tell him that I no longer want the drinking in my life or the kids.

  159. my new husband has a drinking problem but it only happens once or twice every few weeks. He lied to me about before we were married and now I find out that he does still drink. I am afraid my ex will take my kids away even though my new husband is not mean or abusive I any way. Do I need to be worried that I may loose my kids?

  160. I have been living with an addict my husband off and on for 20 years, and I am tired, and ready to divorce. He is a funchional addict where he goes to work but still uses. He has admitted that crack cocaine take away the pain of his life story for that moment he takes the hit. I cant believe or trust him no kind of way. I have let him come back home 4 tines this year and he would tell me he is going to the store and would be gone 1 to 2 days, and phone would be off. Then return or text he sorry…like its nothing. Now he lives from house to house friends, other women, because I cant take him no more. I have tried everything…actually I believe he enjoys the 5 minute high that takes everything from him…his money gets gone from the addiction…..Lost Soul…I am.

  161. Please help me. I have been married to an alcoholic for 3 yrs now. I need help to get healthy myself and be able to comprehensively help my 3 boys. He is verbally and emotionally abusive all the time to myself the kids. We have lost houses because of his ultimultimate control of our money. We are being evicted for the 4th time since 2012. I need to get out. I do not want this destruction in my life anymore.
    Please call me or email me anything that might help me down that road to health and peace for me and,my kids.
    269 635 4892

  162. I have been married to an alcoholic for 12 years. The past 5 have been the worst, in and out of hospitals, detox, rehabs. He drinks in binges, sometimes he gets verbally abusive. He calls me names in front of my kids..I’m so tired of this.
    I told him I wanted divorce and he said he won’t do it. He doesn’t want to give me any money. I have job, but I don’t get paid enough to support our 2 kids. I have left before to motels but I come back when he quits. I have never lived on my own. My son asked me to leave the house again…Im husband controls all the money…to the people who left their did you do it? How did you get the strength to do it?

  163. I’m so upset and depressed because when we were not married yet He was drinking a lot of alcohol every day. When we started our relationship and had love entered our lives he stopped for six months, than it started with one bottle(40)oz on weekends sometimes none. I started loving him very much where we became husband and wife. After the day of our marriage it was ongoing 19 day binge to 17 ,20 etc. And so many promises and sorries. I don’t know what to believe and very tired of this life, which means. The man I fell in love with was just a front or a big game. Or just a person I didn’t get chance to understand with a problem.

  164. My boyfriend for 15yrs. cannot cope with life and issues.So he drowns himself in vodka and beer.Cannot deal with it anymore! Verbal abuse anger throwing things etc. Please send info. Thank U

  165. 5 years. Ugh. I left an abusive relationship for this man of my dreams…who swept me off my feet and showed me real love. He took a positive role as a step father to my 2 young sons. 2 years after being in this amazing relationship i found out he was secretly using crack. And it got bad quick. I wanted to help him, i got his family involved and he hit a pretty big rock bottom and headed off to a 4 week rehab. Afterwards we had a good 6 or 7 months that he stayed off the drugs and boos. During this time, i became pregnant with out daughter. Before she was born during the last trimester i gound him using again. ..not coming home for 1-3 days at a time, draining money ect. He convinced me it was just his anxiety od becoming a true father that triggered him to use.
    Due to stress, i had a high risk pregnancy and left my job..part of me thought that mayne this would help him to feel responsibility and keep off the drugs as promised.
    Shortly after she was born…he started back with occasional not coming home after work until the next morning, calling out of work, mood swings, arguments, the whole shebang.
    We’ve been back and forth in this vicious cycle of him using, the silent treatment, the arguments, then remorse and apologies. .I am relentlessly hopeful to a fault. And ive been loosing my own values and accepting things that i would never habe dreamed. I have no life outside of my kids and taking care of the house. I love him and want so bad for him to go back to the man i fell in love with. I know he has to do it for himself but im not sure he ever will. He lives in denial. He has a brilliant excuse for everything. I have no bank account, no job. My cell phone , my car, health insurance, car insurance ect is all in his name. I can’t leave if i wanted to…ive thought maybe if i leave he will realize the damage but i cant even afford to. i wish i could stop loving him. Ive tried.
    I dont want my kids to see another failed marriage. I dont want the stigma of having two fathers to my children. I dont want to give up on him or on us. He refuses counceling, church or NA /AA. Because he says he isnt addicted because he doesn’t go through any physical withdrawal despite the day after. I just feel hopelessly hopeful. I worry things will never change. .i worry for his life, his health and the legal danger as well. Everyday he leaves for work i worry he wont be back for days. I’ve stopped making him a plate at dinner for him and tell the kids im not sure if he has a laye meeting. I cover for him and im sure enable him…but i dont know any other way. Ive tried standing my ground and fighting for what i feel but that results in screaming and fighting in front if the kids. So i just honestly dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to live like this anymore. I cant take hearing people say that lucky to have such a great guy and they think we are such a great couple. ..i want to cry out but i dont. I also worry if my ex husband who lives local gets a word of what he is doing, he will try to take custody away from me. so lost. I just dont know anything anymore.

  166. Even I am fade up my husband alcohol drinking….has given him so much chance to leave alcohol but he nt….now I m planning to stay alone…..l m not able to understand….what should I do….

  167. hi thnx for the right advice every word was so true I think I need to join a alanon group in my area good advice and pls do writing as it gives us hope .

  168. I have just read the recent past posts and am so relieved I am not alone, but that there are so many of us suffering from the same illness., married to an alcoholic. I have been told by everyone near and dear to me to leave this Man, but myself as well, something holds me back again.. Anger at myself to giving him yet another try, a go at our investment of 25 years. For myself I fear I have to go again. Sad

  169. I have left my Husband 4 times due to his drinking. Every time we reconcile it is a short sober time. He was ordered by the Court to stop drinking , for me to drop assault charges. He is cruel, and most often withdrawn. I am 58 and we have been fighting this for 25 years. I am feeling defeated and fed up. Allanon and AA did not work for him or myself . Our Daughter told me yesterday she does not consider us married. I am beat down and worn out. I do not want to be the one who ends up sick. My blood pressure is high and I am feeling depressed . Everyone tells me to leave, easier said than done as he works rarely and my profession is not something I can do anymore. Just scared and frustrated

  170. Im not his wife legally but from what you explained, its exactly what Im going through. Right now he is giving me the silent treatment and I do not know whether to confront him about it or let it go. I feel like Im lowering myself to him if I do and guilty if I don’t. The other day I text him explaining I finally opened my eyes to everything. Him putting many things in front of me when I pretty much give him my all. He then called me in the morning acting as if everything was fine telling me he wanted to go with me to central park but I ruined it. He actually had me feeling guilty as if I did something wrong. Please help…

    1. Hi Amanda. He’s clearly trying to manipulate your emotions and knows you love him, so he uses that to put himself above you. He should be happy to have you and not act as if he was planning to “honour” you with his presence for a walk in the park. You can ask a professional counselor or psychologist for help, but this is not a situation that suits you in any way.

  171. My husband’s drinking has gotten worse. We’ve been together over 4 years now, recently got engaged. He leaves home to meet friends almost every weekend and comes back early morning hours. Sometimes doesn’t come back, either he slept at a friends place or got arrested for drunk driving. When he’s been arrested he gets sick and I can’t even be mad at him as he needs looking after. He has gotten worse over the past 2 years. Weekends for me are the same story and when he has decided to stay home, its like he’s doing it for me but lays around and not help with anything in the house. I do not know what to do. He says he can’t live without me, but he hurts me so much with his behavior.

  172. Oh Iam in a mess he has been out of work since eight years and that frustrates him . It’s not that he drinks everyday but the last seven years he did binge drinking which causes delusion and hallucinations my grown up kids support me I can leave him but I fear what will happen to him my son and me are taking it one day at a time he does not have the money to drink but he is so aggressive and he keeps hearing voices thinking iam having sex with people it is so humiliating pls suggest me a solution

  173. I wrote in January wondering if I should stay or leave my addict. It’s been about 6 months and I have changed my mind. I am going to stay. He has accepted God into his life and is willing to do the work. I have been doing a lot of reading and soul-searching myself and though I still have moments where I get pissed at him for things, my heart has softened, and I owe it to God. As I struggle with an addiction to food, and reading about addiction in general, I now know that without God we will fail. With Him, we can do anything. I feel like I have a new outlook on life and it feels great!

  174. Kimberley, You’d be amazed at “how much more you can take.” I only say that because the day I told my therapist that I had told my husband that I am not going to live like this anymore, she told me I had shown growth simply by changing my vocabulary from, “I can’t take it” to “I am not going to.” My husband has been sober a few weeks and we are by no means back to be a happy couple without any worries (he still sleeps in another bedroom), but I know I have choices now. This July, my in-and-out of sobriety husband and I will have been married for 30 years. He has gone through long periods of time completely sober. As we know, alcohol picks up right where it leaves off when they sober up and it’s worse each time. As the person married to the alcoholic, I believe we go through our own process before we’re ready to say, “That’s it. I’m done.” That could very well be in my future but it isn’t today. I would encourage you to seek a counselor who is well-versed in chemical dependency as well finding a good-fit AlAnon group. Learn what co-dependency is and what you can do on your end. Take care of YOURself. Realize that your mood and happiness does not have to be dependent on his mood. Set boundaries. I’m praying for you.

  175. I am going througj so much I need to talk but all I do is hurt and want too cry… :'( I feel like I am about to bust open…. Sometimes when he sleeps I feel alone… because the pain is still within my heart. When we argue about something completly off subject of the addiction I have been in this for so long it feels that now Im just ready to walk out but something still holds me back. Its the knowing of how much pain my heart will be in how long the pain will last I don’t believe I can bare it… He’s everything I’ve ever wanted but of course He has a addictions that’s stronger then his love for me and it hurts and causes me deep pain within my soul and heart… I don’t know how much more I can take. :'(

  176. My Husband is currently in a rehab after being detoxed in another city then sent to this rehab. He is a polysubstance abuser and has been on a drug since he was 14. He is now 29. He has lived a second life. The drug life as I call it for years and years. I got upset with him for the first time today during a call from rehab. Im just wondering if all that I’m doing to keep our family together is even the right thing. I’m lost and I just want to go to bed and sleep sleep sleep.

  177. I am married to an alcoholic have been for 31 years , he went into rehab last year came out and had 7months dry, I then booked an holiday for his 50th birthday to New York. He point blank refused to go so I ended up going with my daughter. To be honest all he did while I was away was drink , even the night I got back he had a few , tonight his father got rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack,so I went to the hospital with his parents ,when we returned I am certain that he had a drink, he,s now lay at the side of me snouring badly he is so selfish I am so angry with him and I am certain I am going to leave him as soon as I have sold our house. My whole family want me to leave and have for a long time . I have just realised he is never ever going to stop and why should my life be ruined any further I am 53 this year all I can feel is my life is being wasted away by a very selfish person

  178. After reading these real stories made me feel I am NOT the only codependent girlfriend hanging with my life partner since 2000 till present 2015.
    I have been through hell and back with this man. He has gone through some drug recovery programs as a outpatient however that didn’t work. 🙁 sad to say he hasn’t hit his rock bottom as of present day. He is one who works hard and giving to others its the other Dark side that comes out every 4 to 6 months. 🙁 as I read the other stories I can understand the other wife’s/girlfriends putting up with this hurtful situation. That saying the addict is the Only one who has control whether he/she had enough of this rollercoaster. I love him dearly but I am at that age 46 where enough is Enough!! Do I want to stand by this man for another 10 years of drug relapsing?!. I am truly Torn apart!!. 🙁 I had attended codependency outreach group sessions and YES that has made me stronger as a individual.
    My partner has No family, No parents, and extended all these years he became Apart of my extended family. So is it Guilt that if I leave him he will die or become homeless?. I know it’s out of my control but I need to start living for me!! For the last 14 years I dedicated myself to him and supported him. He has done same(when he is sober) it’s the other dark side of him that makes me Angry and I just feel like my soul had been ripped out of my body. That’s how I feel when he relapses on crack/cocaine. 🙁
    Just a few days ago he went to work 8 hours and never came home that night. Instead he comes home at 7am apologizing (typical) to me. Off course I yelled its out of worry you know. He is diabetic 1 and has no business adding danger to himself. Really truly its like the longest suicide death wish..I am surprised he lived that long.
    Everytime i talk to him he just doesn’t want to hear it! A person who truly wanted to recover would be Going to Al-non meetings asap! You would think right?! But for my boyfriend he hasn”‘t ..again really I have no control of his life. I even thought of getting ahold of the TV show Intervention for HELP….I am crying I am just thankful I don’t have any children to worry about. 🙁 sorry for sappy real story. I stepped out of my home just to get out..he has a couple of days off from his job so he is just resting in bed. I feel so LOST and I know I have to take care of me..but again what if something really horrible happens to him. The guilt would overwhelm me!!:(

  179. my husband became an alcoholic in his teens/early 20s because of an abused childhood, and probably because everyone in his family were drinkers. He is 55 now. The last liver test the doc says his liver has a little damage but he’s ok, so now he drinks more than ever. At least a half gallon of whiskey or more a week and a 6 pack of beer a day. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t an angry, mean person when he’s drunk. He was so kind and loving in the beginning, but after 10 years he’s just mean. I see the kind man I married so seldom now. I can’t believe I have found myself here in this position. I feel hopeless, I’m not sure anything can be done for him now even if by some miracle he agreed he had a problem and wanted to fix it.

  180. iam with a man for about 10 years he is an alcoholic he doesn’t drink everyday its the most of time weekends because he work night time at the pub he comes a bit drunk then he drink on my back when I go work until gets complete drunk. I been help him to stop for lots of time but when looks he is ok he started again each time he stop he stay 1year then started. I know I must leave him but I love him too.i believe I don’t leave him just because I don’t have time to distract my self as I don’t have friends (I don’t have friends because I got disappointed with lots of them)I don’t want to stay by my self.i know the most time he drinks is weekends but I cant deal with that I must be strong and leave but how?

  181. Everyone has made comments from many perspectives. For those of you were addicts and have another to thank. How are you making it easier for the other to forgive? Have you been a productive member in the relationship? Would you have stayed if the situation were reversed? Could you and would you have the resources to cope and provide for others in the home? Marg, I hope you get the help you need. The woman with new twins, I’ll pray for you. My issues are overwhelming and I feel that I have allowed them in my home. Now, I feel that I don’t want to live with a recovering addict at all. I love my husband. I want the best for him and my family. Is it worth my sanity, job, relations with family, kids, and others? So much of my energy was taken and placed on him. It’s almost as if the addict craves the ongoing attention. Disease or not, we have choices. Cancer is not a choice. Should we live in misery because someone else depends on us? I was the addict’s angel. I provided a good home. I have a great job. Created many possibilities for fun outings, but my son and I got walked out on. Not a walk out of the door like he left us, but he mentally checked out because life was too tough. When has the person who takes care of the addict ever had a chance to check out? To be selfish? To focus on them self? Everyone has a choice to continue hurting or not. Its a difficult decision. We may think that life won’t be the same without the love of your life…the addict. You’re right. I hope not. I really hope things won’t be the same. Everyday that my husband is not home, I sleep better. My finances are not being drained. Loans are not being accumulated. Attention can be directed in positive areas of life. I can think at home and at work. I want to come home now. It may be that I’m still angry and dissapointed, maybe bitter. It’s hard to express what I really want to describe because I’ve rarely had the opportunity. Im realizing that life is too short. That we should live with laughter, forgiveness, peace, and love or is this just a meaningless ideal or words to a song.

  182. I love him so much…alcohol and sleeping pills back and forth or at once. He has drank day and night for a week. Ran out of sleeping pills and got pills from a friend that are a different prescription. This friend he thinks is helping. My life is misery. I don’t sleep for worry, I get no help around the house, I work while dealing with my chaotic life I do all myself and don’t ask for anything. I am seen as the bad guy in his eyes.

  183. First I would like to respond to John’s first comment. No, if my husband had cancer I would not leave him because I would hope he would get help for his disease. My husband does have a disease, alcoholism but he chooses to drink everyday. He chooses alcohol over me, his children, and anything meaningful in life. He only went to detox to save his job on several occasions but he always went back to it because he doesn’t want to quit.
    For Jenn, talk to people you trust first of all. Do research about your rights because you have them. Don’t let anyone make you feel fearful. You may need some kind of counseling as well. Your twin boys are here and they need their mother more than anyone so you must be calm. Reach out for help because you need not be alone. This disease is horrible and I agree with D saying there is no bottom for some alcoholics. I have made it a point to live my life in a positive manner while raising my young teenagers and it has become a bit easier. I just want to say that you are not alone. Reach out and get help. Good luck.

  184. I love my husband has been with him for 8 years is the father of my children When I met him I knew that he had had battle with addiction to drugs I knew that he had cheated before I never thought he would do it to me apparently I was naivE first was cocaine then it was meth and the last 5 years has been pain killers I’ve tried for so long to not give up on him and to help him to do it all and try to help him to recover everytime I think it gets better the trust issues come back it’s like he can’t control himself he can’t stop cheating even though he wants to we can’t stop the drug even though he wants to last night he told me he hates himself He wants to hurt himself please a horrible person and nobody loves him he treats his wife like s*** mean to his kids he’s angrybut he said Can’t control it like he has no conscience he says he wants to care And abetter life but it’s like he doesn’t care that he doesn’t carehe can’t control the lying and hiding things from me He can’t be honest i keep saying I’m going to leave my family friends want to know why I havn’t left him why I put up with it I do everything for him and my children and our business I don’t even know why I Stay anymoreI feel like I’m numb to it all anymore I have my own self loathing in I don’t know what to do I’m lost I love him I want him to get better but I don’t to be treated this way anymore I can’t deal with the lies and the cheating I thought I was helping him but apparently I wasn’t able to him so what do I do

  185. I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another man. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help. I wasted so much time and effort trying to get him back until I hit on the real thing. And that is you, ultimate spell. You were different from all the rest – you are the diamond in the rough. Thank you from the depths of my soul! I am extremely happy now. I hope God blesses you as much as you have help me to get my Love back.

  186. I should have said in my last post that my beautiful wife stood by me for years. We finally realized I had a mental problem being bi polar that I was trying to mask with drugs.I am forever grateful to her and would do anything for her.our lives had some ups and downs but I wouldn’t take back being a addict… it has taught me how to love and how to be grateful and humble. God sent me my angel …my wife. I hope you can find strength and patience.. things will get better

  187. Would you leave him if he had cancer…..your husband has a disease. Its not a choice. Support him and make sure he gets therapy and goes to meetings.. it might take him a few times…addicts usually are some of the best people. Kind generous and loving. Everything there not when using.

  188. Oh my I feel your pain LEAH! I am in the same boat and cannot explain the pain and confusion I am in daily. I still have the job and mean to keep it. I have decided to possibly live the life Katherine Hepburn explained so many times while loving an alcoholic…she loved the thought of married life as long as he lived nearby and she could visit often! That as I write even sound ludicrous. Because we all know the Jekel/Hyde of the addict. We could pretend

  189. Can someone please help me? I don’t know what to do. I am 36 years old & a new 1st time mother to twin boys. They are 6 weeks old.
    They just came home 2 weeks ago from NICU and I’ve been with them full time since I’m not working. They are perfect and I am so blessed.
    I should be in heaven but since they were born I have been living in absolute fear and chaos. Their father, my husband is making my dream come true, a nightmare.
    My husband is a recovering alcoholic . He says he has been sober for 4 months, but I know he is lying. In fact I’m pretty sure he was drinking before he came home last night but I have no hard evidence. He was irritable, confrontational, and off. His eyes were red and he couldn’t focus. I just didn’t smell any alcohol on him so I couldn’t tell for sure. He screamed at me for asking if he was drinking and told me he was tired of my accusations.
    Whenever he drinks he gets extremely hostile and is very mean to me. We live with his mom and she often is witness to our arguments and bickering. She typically stays neutral to all of our battles, but she is his mom and a mother always puts blood first.
    I just feel hopeless & guilty. I feel like I brought two innocent lives into a world of chaos. My husband and I have not been seeing eye to eye for quite some time. I resent him for his past drinking and still think he has a problem that he is trying to hide from me. It makes me want to take my babies and leave him forever. Marriage counseling hardly helps because he is not being 100% honest with me or the therapist.
    I am getting to where I can’t fake being nice to him. I hate it when he holds our innocent sons. I get sick when I think about going back to work and leaving the babies with him or my mother-in-law. I am fearful that he will drink while taking care of them or while driving them around. I am afraid he will neglect them or not care for them properly.
    I feel like the only reason I am staying with him right now is because if I divorced him he would try and get custody. I’m afraid he will use my mental health issues against me. I’m afraid he will try and say I am unfit because of my depression and ocd. I can not stomach him being with them without me or someone who is responsible. I feel like a hostage staying in a terrible situation to keep my babies safe. What can I do? I’m losing sleep. I’m having trouble eating. I am worried sick. Can someone please tell me what to do? I want safety and happiness for my boys. How can I make sure that happens?

  190. I married him at his worse wth the hope that he would get better and choose life rather than death. He had been sober for almost a year, i was so proud of him. This was a guy that drank vodca straght from 6:00am to 9:00pm all day long, could no longer hold down a job, relationships or anything. I saw through all that and saw his soul a kind, smart but broken man. He quit drinking after we were married then he slipped here and there almost a year later. I watch him like a hawk, i give him breath test daily to ensure he does not drink, i quit my six figure a year job to care for him and all the while he still finds a way to drink here and there. I found a new job and started work today, he is going to school full time to find a new career and on my first day of work he found a way to buy a bottle of vodka and drink. I came home to Dr Jekel and Mr. Hyde. I dont want to live like this, i want a husband that i can trust and have peace of mind when i go to work. He refuses to go to AA he is a smart drunk and feels everyone is inferior compared to him. He has no emotions, remorse about betraying me. Im lost, depressed. Im torn between staying or leaving. I went to hell and back for him but he cant even stand for
    me ans quit drinking for good. What are my opions?

  191. I have live with an alcoholic for 4 yrs..he lied, he stoled my money, rings, tv, bike anything he could sneak out of the house to get money for drugs and alchol..couldnt keep a job..he would be gone for 2 or 3 dsys cause of passing out.3 dui..and last draw was he robbed s bank for $ to pay a drug dealer..i underdtand thst he has had this problem since he wss 20..i didnt know until he stsrted this up in our marriage and his family was feeling me in..had hsd several divorces and many kids..i have had to raise his 2 kids with no help and hold 2 jobs to live..he has put me in a huge bind and msde a mess out of this family..i divorced him..he will be getting out in aug from prison…i still love him…but i am snd emotional mess and not sure how to let him go..there will never be any trust there and uthe nausea of living with him each day of those emotions he put mr through..he wants to get bsck together. Days he is a change man…i dont kids say absolutity not. And i just dont underdtand why i still love him and cant get him out of my head..need answers

  192. I have been married for a year and a half to what used to be a fun energetic person. We married quickly. He had lied from day one. He was fresh out of prison and was on parole. I didn’t know he was in parole until 9 months later. He drank wine and had an episode that I couldn’t believe. He was full of rage and began to hurt himself. After about a two hour ideal, I called police and they came, picked him up and told me that he had a parole hold. Wow. Well after a week in custody he was going to be forced to move to another county. We married so he would have family ties. It was difficult for him to keep a job and he didn’t have strong family ties with Hus own family. He is an only child. Father deceased and mother in a memory care facility. He’s had several jobs and in January he was let go of a job he loved and worked hard at. He was transfered back to salinas county because he gave a couple positive drug method tests and things have gotten worse. As if January, he didn’t report and I thought he had. From time to time he would go into a deep depression and sleep for days. January, February, and March were pretty much slept away. Until he was picked up for not reporting again in march. He was sent to a reentry program where he didn’t conform. He must have found drugs in between custody times because he could not function and was kicked out of the program. He was hallucinating, thinking some one was going to kill him. A week later he us home because officer is in vacation. When I picked him up 5 days ago, he was not the same man. He acts four years old. He doesn’t process what I say. He follows me around the house. When I use the restroom or shower he tries to get in the door. He thinks I’m going to poison his food. He’s panicky, detached from reality, functions slowly, answers yes and no questions only. He needs help and I’m hoping parole places him in proper care. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m frustrated. This is not the person I married, but seem to think that he’s had issues all his life. The only difference now is that he doesn’t have mother to protect him. I’m 44 with a child at home and a career. He’s lied since day one. What is my responsibility? He’s very fragile and I’d hate the fact that someone could hurt him. I can’t live like this forever. I don’t remember the last time I laughed. I’m stressed. Behind on bills. Trying to be strong, but he’s draining. Will parole help? So many questions. What do I do?

  193. Debra Lee
    I just want to let you know you can do this …. you can leave him! You will be sooooo much better off and he will be better off as well….eventually 🙂 I left my husband in January of this year. He left last January and I stayed in the house ….. it was not good. I still was a nervous wreck! He thought it was great ….. he could go off and do what every the hell he was into and then I would be there at our home when he wanted to come visit! It wore on me terribly! He ended up coming back home in July of last year saying he will never drink again! That DID NOT happen! He lasted about a month and then started up again, slowly, not verbally abusive ….. yet! Then it started like a frigg’in tornado! He moved out end of December …. again leaving me at the house…..this time I said BULLSHIT! I am not staying here for him to come and go as he pleases!!! I left and rented my own place in the neighborhood where we raised our children. The neighbors are like family to me and welcomed me back with open arms! I was very unsure of doing this, but God just kept guiding me and giving me the strength to move forward. I feel soooooooo much better AND my husband has decided he wants help to stop drinking! I am not dropping everything and going back to him …. he will have to prove to me he is serious this time! It will take ALOT to gain my trust back this time! It might be that we will never get back together …. and I am good with that … I hope he gets clean for himself. He is so far down into his disease it is scary! You can do this Debra Lee!!!! You need to do this for yourself and for your husband! Go and let him be …. you will feel such a relief eventually 🙂 Believe me …. it is NOT easy! Just stay in prayer and God will guide you through …… you can do this!!!! God bless you Debra Lee …. you ARE make it!

  194. I will respond to Debra Lee. I too am a Christian and have sought pastoral counseling, therapy through a doctor, Al-Anon, etc. God wants us to be happy. Abuse is abuse. I too am private. My husband’s alcoholism wreaked havoc on his first marriage and with his children, grandchildren. I am his second wife. His friends contacted me years ago to assist in an intervention; so, I knew he was an alcoholic but did not know what that entailed. He pays bills but spends the rest on alcohol and other related things. Although we have a good income; our finances are bad because of his addiction. He is abusive in every way. My pastor told me that addiction has destroyed many families. The advice given to me by therapist is to take care of myself; whatever that takes. You have to love yourself. You cannot wait for him to change. I Pray unceasingly as well. I have shared with my Christian parents my dilemma. No one understands but you what you have to endure and the toll it is taking on you. Do not be embarassed.

  195. Please help. I am so confused and lost at the moment. Michelle, as I read your blog above, it struck me to reach out to you b/c everything you stated is so accurate to my life. I have NOONE to talk to about my situation b/c they would really think I AM CRAZY. I am seeking wisdom and advice from you and I pray that It will help guide me on my next step. I met my a awesome, wonderful, compassionate, spiritual, and hard working husband 7 years ago. He was my Knight in Shining Armor. We met in church and At the time I had been single and very focused on doing the work of the Lord working with inner city children. Then he came along and QUICKLY swept me off my feet! He was also involved in ministry at the church and everyone saw us as a “power couple. Well, within one month , he asked permission of my mother and Pastor to “court” me. There was no doubt that he was “the right one”. A moth later, he proposed to me at church and I absolutely said, YES!”… Slowly i began to see RED FLAGS. For one, he told me of his past addiction to drugs and alcohol but that he had been “delivered”. When I met him in church , he was faithfully attending “NA”..BUT after I said, “I DO”… The classes stopped, and he relapsed. Its been 7 years and I have stuck by him knowing he is on drugs and alcohol. YET, as you said above, “HEs STILL a CHARMING MAN, pays the bills, and still can act like thr MAN of your Dreams! BUT, its a LIE to me. He becomes very VERBALLY Abusive to me, disrespectful by staying out ALl night when he is on a binge. I have renained Strong in my FAITH and have not wavered Trusting God to deliver him b/c like you said above, ” ive seen a glimpse of the Man he can be”. IMTIRED! I just recently moved to his hometown and All he does is go back around the crack buddies and drunks! Im readt to pack up and LEAVE! He abd I had a long talk last night and he blames it on not taking his meds for Bi POLAR. He says he refuses to fo back to NA classes but He will get back on the meds and wants me to go to the Dr. With him this week. BUT its deeper than the meds. I cant do it anymore! I LOVE this Man a d Believe in him Michelle. But if he is refusi g help, there is nothing I can do! You said, I am sick” and a enabler!” You are absolutely RIGHT! Its time for me to “work on me” and separate from him until he gets help! I leave to go out of town this week to visit my family who is my ROCk abd very spiritual. They have no idea what I put up with this Man. I am very private w my personal life. Im alsi EMBARRASSED to say the least! Please HELP! I respect your wisdom and advice. Thank you. Blessings

  196. To whom it may concern my husband drinks twice a week but when he drinks he brings up things that has happen in the past. And he dwells on the arguments my son and him has had in the past things have gotten violent to the point one of our vehicles have been damaged due to my husband’s poor choice of judgement while he is drinking I don’t know what to to anymore I’ve left him once due to his abusive words and his actions I just don’t know what to do anymore please help .

  197. I have been.with my.boyfriend.for.about.8 months, we are so in love and I have never felt so in love with a man. He is suffering from a very strong dependancy on cocaine. INJECTING cocaine in to his blood everyday. He continousley is spending our income for drugs, he has had us.go without food so.he would have.enough.for.drugs. I want a future with this man but its so true when this situation reveals itself, there is no way to decide leaving or staying. ITS A disease in itself feeling helpless among ones addiction especially among a man your so in love with who you would give anything to have a family with. I want a baby with this man and a marriage and.a.home with this man but I simply cant do it with the mix of.substance abuse altering his personality. What do you do when your so stuck and you cant picture.being.with out them but cant picture living through this pain. He is 31 and im going I have dreams and.desires.with my life, but money dissapears and I.find myself with no ability to.succeed at what I love which please help me

  198. I’m at my absolute end!! I love my husband so much and all of this is literally killing me!! I have been trying and trying to fix our marriage but my husband just keeps getting worse and worse. I found out I had beginning stages of cancer and he just does not care. Only his pills and Kratom and throw a little speed in there as well. God knows what else. He’s not the man that I feel in love with and my life just doesn’t make since without him. I’m at my lowest and I just don’t know to fix a thing. Not even myself. I have been ripped apart. And I’m scared for him. And myself.

  199. My 8 year old daughter has decided to go stay at grandmas till daddy quits drinking. He’s not mean or even that noticeable , but she is pissed he won’t stop. He can’t be left by himself. I can’t make her watch her daddy die. She doesn’t want to see him sick. But I’m scared she will regret it. My mother lives next door so she is back and forth. But should I make her stay home?

  200. I just left my fiancee after 4 years. It took me over 3 years to figure out she was an alcoholic. After several messy debacles, I decided to make the hard decision.
    Long story, but at the end of the day, she was not willing to quit the drinking. I told her – I’m not willing to sit and watch you kill herself like so many of my relatives and friends have done. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I love her soooo much.
    Thing is, I love myself, my kids and family more, so I did what I felt had to be done. End it.

  201. I am married to an alcoholic/drug addict. We have been married for 3 years. Two months ago I made him leave. I’m not having one more holiday ruined! I don’t want a divorce. He is currently staying with a friend, that drinks and uses like he does. I pray for him every day. Hopefully by the grace of God he finds the help he needs. I do attend Al-non so I can get the help I need. I am 46 and my husband is 55. He has been diagnosed with a liver disease. I thought that would wake him up but it didn’t . I could no longer watch him drink himself to death. In no way has this been an easy decision. Rather you stay or go there is a lot of pain.

    For those of us that love an addicted person I pray we find the peace we deserve.

  202. Blessings. The issues are all the same. I contacted attorney referrals, etc. last week, for a legal separation and divorce. I was in the hospital yesterday. My alcoholic husband accompanied me at my request because I was quite ill. He told me, while I had two medicines going in to me intravenously, that I didn’t “look” sick. I made sure the nurses got him something to eat because he is a diabetic. Later, he said he wanted to go out and get food that he “liked” and I would not give him the keys to my car (because of his history of accidents, drinking, etc.); so, he walked out of the hospital and left me there. I wish I kept a diary of all of the “crazy” stuff that I have been through. Some things I have written down. Just to remind me of the abuses I have suffered over the years. I don’t do Al-Anon either anymore. They are a great support group. The main thing that I learned from Al-Anon was the detachment, finding happiness, health, etc. outside of the marriage/relationship with the addict. Moving on/divorcing is a very very personal decision. The marriage has wreaked havoc on my health as well/co-dependence.

  203. My opinion is leave. I stayed and stayed and stayed. The ones that will get sober will. You wouldn’t be here asking Q’s if they did. The chronic ones won’t. There is no bottom or they would have hit it. My now ex has been to jail, will die per doctors on his current path, the birth of our daughter, he just lost custody but could have kept it if got treatment. There is no bottom for some. So my advice, cut and run. Fix you. Its hard. It hurts. But you need help too and if you are only ever helping them you get forgotten. I went from a stay at home mom to single mom with nothing, not even a dollar, over night. I have no family so no help. Yet I’m doing it! We r broke n cut every corner but not having to care for a adult man, walk on egg shells n be that stressed all the time is freeing. I am happier then I have been in I can’t remember how long. I still always wonder what if but there is no if. Move on!

  204. my husband is an addict to alcohol and drugs he is fine when sober then when he drinks he gets in this superior feeling mood acts like he is god or something. he is a hard worker his drinking and drug use has never interfered with work but its his mouth when he is drunk he talks to me like a dog. he trys to act like im the bad person when its him not me he gets so drunk he is just sloppy and nasty fell asleep the other night snoring so hard he sucked a tobacco pouch down his throat and got choked if i hadn’t been up he may have choked to death then i tell him about it the next day and he didnt remember it told me next time not to wake him up if he doesnt care why should I? he does not want to get help and i read one post where someone said they dont choose to be an addict im sorry i disagree YES THEY DO THAT IS A CHOICE AND THEY MADE THAT CHOICE. im at my wits end i cant take it no more he worries about eating healthy afraid of getting fat but pouring all that toxic beer into him everyday he is an addict and crazy i dont think there is no help for him he is plain and simple a JACKASS!!!!

  205. wow words above resonate with me a true feeling in me that I need to recognize. Being in “what we used to call the LoveShack ” makes me ill. I just got off the phone with my boss telling her I need to take yet another day off. It is the stress that is killing me and making me sick. My second alcoholic husband had another relapse. He was AWOL sunday night ! We had a nice evening planned a movie dinner etc, once I returned from a business trip. Last text he was at an AA meeting at 6…when I hadn’t heard a thing I headed out at 11:30 walking on ice looking for him. The church that holds the AA meetings is at the end of our street. It was pitch dark with no one in sight. Upon returning he was lying in bed as if nothing had happened. His face a bloody mess as if he had been in a fight? When questioned he didn’t remember? another black out? WHY why do I allow myself to live in this trauma? We have a marriage counseling session scheduled in feb that we have paid over 3k for…I am so so pissed! I keep telling myself I promised us a year…and within that year I am going to give it all I have. I just cant seem to do the alanon….I worry that I am the missing or weak link. I want to run away.Thanks for all your understanding those that live this life are definitely headed to heaven because we lived our hell here on earth ….

  206. Financial abuse is very prevalent in alcoholic marriages, as we can see – whether you are living with the addict or in transition from the addict or divorced. There are agencies that can help us no matter what your educational or economic background is. As hard as it is, leaving and staying away from the addict is usually the only recourse. It is hard to make decisions sometimes because of the financial (and verbal and emotional and physical) abuse, but there is light at the end. Take care of you you you.

  207. Man oh man. Being married to an alcoholic is one of the worst things ever! I’ve been married for almost 18 years and 16 of them he drank excessively. I’m a (or was) positive happy person usually but just being home makes me feel ill. We have an outside office equipped with all you need if all you do is drink. He works but that is and has been touch and go. I wonder when they will catch on that he started up again and fire him. I worry how I will support my children on my own. 17 and 14 years old now. How did growing up with an alcoholic dad effect them now and when they are adults. I tried alanon but that depressed me. I learned about co dependency and made sure I wasn’t that from the beginning. I worked on myself and how to make it hurt less by doing spiritual webcasts, reading self help books etc. but the feelings of anger and disappointment always come back. I stay strong for the kids but that’s slipping out the door these days. I want to leave him but financially cannot. I wish there was another way. Bless you all that live like this!!!!!!!!!!!

  208. Am I co-dependent if I didn’t realize I have been living with a drug user the past year and a half? Although the decision to divorce and stop talking to him is the hardest decision I have ever had to make I am pretty sure it is the right one. He lied to me our entire relationship. Stole money from me, from my kids, used me for the kind naive person that I am. How can I forgive that? I don’t understand how drugs are a disease when that person has to make the choice whether or not to do them in the first place.

  209. Hello, I’ve been through this addiction with my husband for six years now. We have divorced and I have sole custody of our daughter but we got back together for the last two years live together, but never remarried. Things have been good for two years. His drug of choice is opiates. My concern and reason for this post is that he has relapsed more frequently lately and he knew my boundaries that if he uses he cannot remain in the home with me and our almost five year old daughter. However, he refuses to leave and he is not sober. He has nowhere else to go as all of his family is fed up with him using and we all have been through two rehab trips, and as a couple we hit rock bottom two years ago when we divorced and I moved 1000 mIkes away to be near my family. We were separated and divorced for 8 months. When he got sober we decided to give it another shot. We are the best of friends and rarely have an issue we cannot work through and come back together. We have been together for the better of twelve years. Minus the separation and then divorce. I am needing some guidance on how to take care of myself and my daughter without having to pick up and move back to my family. My daughter loves her preschool and I recently was laid off from my job. My ex husband makes really good money and we have not had any a financial issues. But if he keeps using I have told him he has to leave. How do I get help with the household bills if I kick him out. What are my options? I have no money in savings and no current income. I have filed for unemployment while I am looki for another job, but if he keeps going down the destructive path he is, I have to Think about taking care of me and my daughter. He is working, but was recently injured on the job so that could drastically change our income if he isn’t working or able to perform his job. I am feeling pretty helpless and scared of how to pay my basic bills and my daughters tuition for school should he suddenly decide he isn’t going to help or gets so far into his addiction that he spends it as soon as it comes in. Have anyone experienced this? How did you provide for your family when then main source of your income was gone? Thanks in advance.

    P.S. Sorry, I forgot to add I am aware of Alanon and have the.literature and listen to speakers. I haven’t been to a meeting lately. But I am just trying to take care of me and my daughter financially right now.

  210. Thank you, this is exactly how I feel. It’s like swimming in an ocean. I’m wearing a life vest and have tied a rope around my husband’s waist to pull him to shore. He keeps pushing me under the water, as I try to get us ashore… but I can’t let go of the rope.

  211. My Heart goes out to all of you. The only “comfort” in reading the recent posts, is that the things that I go through are identical to what you are going through. It is the disease. My husband wrecked his SUV on Christmas Eve. He has had several car accidents over his lifetime because of alcoholism but never got a DUI because he knew the local police department who have enabled him/didn’t ticket him (allegedly) because he was employed by the county government as a mechanic (retired) and worked on the police cars. Also, because he is a diabetic (from the alcoholism) he attributes the accidents to low glucose levels, or someone ran him off the road, or it was raining, etc. Christmas Eve?! Really?! Of course, that is a $500 deductible and I went out of my way to purchase gifts for his children/grandchildren (my steps – but I don’t treat them any different – although when my adult biological son visits, he will find something to complain about…). He has caused some estrangement with my immediate family because he speaks falsely and negatively about me to them and for the first time ever, I have not visited with them for the last few Holidays. Although I have asked them to ignore him, that he is an alcoholic and a liar, etc., it has caused a rift. The infidelity and disrespect by and with the women is maddening. Finances are a challenge and although our combined salaries are good, he covers household expenses but blocks me from having access to his bank accounts. I have seen his bank statements and there are expenditures for bars, liquor stores, credit card payment (for what – who knows?) and cash withdrawals (no explanation given by him – just “it is my money and I can do what I want..”). My Prayers to all of you Angels. May we all find the Strength to do whatever we need to do to better ourselves Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically in 2015!

  212. I feel like crying just starting this. I have never discuss it with anyone other than 1 friend, my sister, therapist and husband. He has been a drinker since he was 10 years old. Started smoking pot about 12 or 13. I have experience with more substances but got over my party about 26 years ago. I used to drink a lot more, but for the past 8 years or so, just have no desire. My husband is what I would call a pretty functioning alcoholic. He gets to work on time. He is extremely selfish, drinks himself to sleep nearly every night. I’m even protecting him in my writing. He passes out every night and because I would take a picture and show him, he decided to go to bed and make it like he is just going to sleep. He is responsible for nothing that gets done. I make sure his car gets an oil change, he gets doctors appointments once a year and dental too. I make sure he gets a start on the bills two times a month, because he will let it go to the point we are late on every bill and paying a fee for it. The pool is green and has been for nearly the entire year, I refuse to work on it. His alcoholic little boy picks up his toys and takes them home to nurse his poor me feelings. He gets mad at me when I suggest we do chores around the house. It is not going to old itself up but he prefers to do things for just himself. He has earned a Masters Degree in Religion from a seminary college but will not talk to anyone about Christ. Has never saved a soul. Doesn’t need to, it’s just for him. Wants to go to classes and seminars so he can better, HIMSELF, not us, just him. Wanted to get himself a new car, he’s had two, I’ve had one. I have to poke and prod to get any help and I am over it. We had a Holiday party at our house and I caught him and one of my best friends, always the best friend, bitch, down a deserted hallway making out like teenagers. They of course deny that anything had ever happened before, will or ever did. I’m upset, untrusting and pissed off. I have followed him all over with his career, protected him at every opportunity yet he walks on me like I am dirt beneath his feet. I am a bitch because I want a house that had the yard mowed, and counters clean, and paperwork filed. Carpets cleaned, but no, he’d rather get in an argument, or give me the silent treatment, “because if I said what I wanted to we’d just argue”. Yea, I get it. He wants to stick it out because it’s been 26 years. I work in HIS business that WE opened together. But he does the absolute minimum. He has two assistants, I have no one. I have had it covering for him so much I am naked from the waist up. I am tired, I am exhausted and it would almost be better to be broke and alone then mentally fucked over every day of my life for the few things that aren’t broken yet because I can’t fix it all.

  213. I am so confused as to what to do….like your story says you feel you should leave to save yourself! I feel at times I cannot take anymore! He just came home from being gone all day and night drinking. …. not one call to me to let me know if he is dead or alive! Then comes in like nothing is wrong and passes out on the couch! It is soooooo hard not to say anything! I was detaching quite nicely and then he moved back home (he was gone for 6 mos.Jan-July of this year). He got a DUI and said he would never drink again …. how many times have I heard that! I was seeing a therapist weekly, but was doing so well , we went to once a month. It seems like in the last 4 weeks all hell has broken loose and he is just out of control with his drinking again. I don’t know whether to have him leave or me leave ….. I don’t know what to do. It is so exhausting. I try to not get angry or focus on him and I keep going back to him!? Why do I do that?! I know I should work on myself and I do, but it does not take away the hurt I feel inside. He is so disrespectful and selfish in my opinion…..who goes out all day and night on a BICYCLE (he lost his license from his DUI) and doesn’t even call to check in to let your wife know you are OK?!He is not the same man I married 28 years ago. I just feel so hopeless at this point 🙁 Thanks for letting me ramble …

  214. It’s been 11 years. My husband who i have known since I was 15 I fell in love. He was is a humble good man that wants to be a family man wants to be and do all with us. But now he does’nt his addiction is hurting us so badly. Our 8 year old daughter has very bad screaming fits she has to sleep with me go anywhere I go even to the bathroom. I Have gone to counseloing or her while her father was in rehab so many times I can’t even count them anymore. He has been in jail many times all due to alcohol. He blames every problem on me he hates me. I do everything for our three kids I work I cook,clean and serve and he gets away with drinking everyday. I have taken all the money from our account yet he still gets freakin beer. I am so sad for me and the kids lioves. We are stuck.We have no where to go. The boys ages 19 and 16 say no shelter that will be worse for us just ignore him but I cant all i do is cry. He cut his wrist last week blood everywhere I mean alot I called 911 and asked them no sirens please I don’t want the kids to know. They were in and out quietly in 15 minutes. the next morning he called me and reamed me out I TOLD YOU IF YOU EVER CALLED THE POLICE ON ME AGAIN I WOULD DIVORCE YOU. Are you crazy I called 911 because you were lying in a pool of blood. I couldtell you stories that would make your head spin. I want out I want my children and i to leave but we cant no money no future. I tell them wait till we sell the house then we can go and start all over, but that is taking to long. We lost our home in Hurricane Sandy it’s been over 2 years and we just moved back in. We have no water and the contractor(which is a family member) is not doing us right. He says he is but he hates my husband forget it to long of a story. I just want out and a new beginning. i have alienating everyone in our lives. I want to be alone far away from anyone who knows us.Why can’t i hot lotto so we can leave. I am in so much pain in my heart and body. I need 2 knee replacements but can’t do it because who will take care of life for my children and me NO ONE. Sometimes i feel they would be better without me they wouldgo to my brother and live with no sadness no alcohol no screaming no crying no money problems no embarrasment no more blaming

  215. I appreciate your article about staying or leaving. It is so very hard to see my husband slowly kill himself, not just from drinking but from the depression and anxiety associated with it. He has become such a hard, angry man and there are times that I don’t know who he is. He has belittled me to the point that I question my own sanity. Like the article says, there are times that I do have a glimmer of hope. However, it is usually dashed pretty quickly. I do exactly what you say in the article. I yell and fight. Hoping that maybe he’ll change…it never work. So how do leave him with out actually leaving him? How do I move on with my life while I am still married and still take care of my family?

  216. I have been married for 13 years. My husband has always drank and for a while I thought I was just crazy. He would try to upset me and tell me it was me. That he is just playing. I finally went to counseling and go to alanon, I figured out that it is probably his drinking. I stopped doing a lot of things for him that I use to, like trying to detach myself. But now he gets mad about that. We have 3 children together. I think I would be a happier person and better Mom without him. I can not get over having to share my children on the weekend. I understand that maybe he will either straighten up to have them or not, and that will be better for the kids in the long run. It still breaks my heart. I also know we will have to split things up and even maybe end up bankrupt. It all scares me so much that it is so hard to know what to do? He has been trying to be nice, I just do not want to live this way the rest of my life. He does not leave and go get drunk but he has. He likes to stay home and drunk while the kids and I watch him. I love him but not in love with him anymore. It is so hard to be in love with him anymore. So I feel like I am failing him. When our whole marriage I have done everything to support him and tell him how proud I am of him for getting good jobs and working hard. But on the other hand he does not help with bills and when we run low wants to know where all the money is? I can honestly say I hate alcohol.

  217. Only a person (spouse/parent/child, etc. of an addict) truly KNOWS what it is like to be with an addict. Therapists and clergy, etc. have training and should not be discredited. Friends and other well-meaning people tell you what they think only if you ask; but they don’t KNOW and may think you are crazy for loving an addict. Most of us did not KNOW what we were getting into until after the wedding and after the children and then it is a problem. Leaving an addict and staying away from an addict is hard; it is called co-dependence. It is a word but living it is draining, stressful, etc. I KNOW what I need to do and that is leave and don’t look back. Even if the addict gets help and stays sober, their personalities and psyches have changed permanently usually and they are still difficult and sometimes dangerous to live with. They have a disease and have chosen not to get help or when they get help, they don’t stick with it, sometimes. The Holidays are here and can be stressful in the best of circumstances. I have not taken my own advice and don’t want to sound hypocritical but I KNOW the only way it is going to get better for me is to LEAVE and don’t turn back.

  218. I have been married to my husband for 9 months now. We recently got back together last Thanksgiving. I had to leave to NY to settle everything I didn’t finish in NY before I decided to go to Keokuk. I was in the middle of moving stuff out of my old place before I left and told him I need to do the right thing in getting my stuff. He wanted me to start over and said forget it. Now when I first met him 7 years back he was a trucker and he only drink beer. Meeting him 7 years later I found out he was into hard alcohol. I learned he is a alcoholic. I stayed with him and was working through it with him before I left. I told him he needs help besides me. I can’t do it you need to do it. So he use to call me names and verbally abusive often. So I left to take care of things in NY and now its been 7 months I have not seen him. Things beyond my control happened and some I lied to him. I told him I am coming back which I do want to but something inside is like don’t. I keep telling him I am and make up lies but I just am making it worse. I feel in a way that if I go back he will change. He started to drink less but then when he drinks he go back to the same way. So I don’t know if I should just stay here and figure out myself or go back to my husband now and do the figuring there. People tell me that I should not go back but in my mind he needs me and I need to figure out myself. I just want to say that I tried to help him by not going out when he is drunk or not drink. I told him I will go with him to aa meetings and he keep saying that I am all he needs. So my thing is how do you help someone who don’t want to be helped? Well should you stay yes if you love him but no because it because verbal and can get physical. So he needs help first. That is what I think.

  219. I recently made my heroin and coca in addicted husband leave my home. He also uses pilks, alcohol, whatever is available. We have a two year old son and a baby on the way. This is hardly the first time I’ve kicked him out, but this time I filed for divorce. My ex also shoplifts and will do so even if I and our son are present. He also is in and out of jail. I feel I did what I had to for our children’s safety, but I still love him. I feel simultaneously guilty for leaving him and for still loving him.

  220. Oh MY here I am again! Guess if the name fits? Wear it. Too funny that is my maiden name that I keep going back to. I really feel the need to voice an opinion or rather my experience. Those of you who have children I highly advise to put their health first an front role. I left my first husband when my son was 14 and my daughter 8. Their father had drank the entire life of our marriage. I had a questionable outside of my marriage relationship when I needed somone to listen. I to this date regret because I have to answer to myself. BUT moving on it woke the husband up for a short time he stayed sober for 7 years, then went into a bi polar stage for the rest of his life he died alone and in the street last DEC. It took him yelling at the children/ something he had never done (until the manic stage) He stalked my son at his basketball games falling down drunk! He stalked the daughter at her school field trips…drunk and frightening the entire school. I finally had to take a restraining order out. My son hated me for it at the time he was 13. I did everything within my power to get him help..I know I can look in the mirror and actually say I DID. He was the one who threw the divorce papers at me. Moving forward..I realize had it not been for my children I probably would have never left this man. I needed to protect them! We moved 110 miles away. He was never a part of their lives…he lost a great job of 24 yrs, family, friends…all for the booze. US well the son tried to save him after he graduated from college. It didnt work he realized what wll of us had tried to do for his father. He is now 34 and happily married teaching at a prep school in CT. The daughter, she at times feels that I maybe could have done more for her father ( however now that I am with my second husband and recently living the same song she has more empathy) She finished college is married and is happy/ she has some desertion issues.
    Mild compared to what problems she would have had if I had stayed. Mind you this is one woman’s story and how it worked for me. The power is within. Just ask for it. I got down on my hands and knees and asked the good lord what to do. He led me one move at a time. It wasnt easy by any means…it was very very hard. I always wonder what a single mom did to get thru I realize MORE often it isnt a chosen situation and we women just do it and not think about how. I hope this is comfort to those who are in pain and confused. this disease is one that effects an alarming amount of us.

  221. My husband is an alocoholic and things went belly up on September 7. I would be lying if I didn’t say I saw the downward spiral. But the way things went down are still haunting to me. So when my family all said GET OUT, I have continued to struggle. All that you stated above resonates with me. He would make such messes and I would pick it up, do the laundry, clean everything in an effort to make things right, thinking it was me. Now he wants back in my life and he’s going to AA and showing remorse. I was so afraid of him and now it’s like I keep telling myself that maybe he can lick this. Maybe things will be different. Why do I do that? Why can’t I just pull the trigger and end things? Hanging on just gives him hope and prevents me from moving on and healing my heart. So what do I do?

  222. He’s a doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He could be the most wonderful man in the world very caring. He speaks his drinks and just enough to give them a high sometimes I don’t even know that he is been drinking. He will hide it from me and when I do find out I feel like such a fool.

  223. I agree with you all. It’s very hard to walk away from someone you love deep deep down somewhere. Been married for 18 yrs and with him for 25 years. We have 3 kids going in terms now. When we married I found out he was a drug addict. He was addict since age 15. At age 23 we were married. The hope to change him and have a happy marriage kept me strong. The hope made me stick through every downhill problem until he sobered up at age 28 after 3 year term. Thought things would be better now and we can be a family. But success and power led him to drinking. I didn’t notice until I was pregnant was our 3rd one. Drinking, staying out, partying, no family time, sleeping in forever, weekends wasted. It got worse every year. It’s been 10 years of depression, sadness, unhealthy marriage. We lost each other, our marriage, our family. I was a single mom and am still a single mom while being married. His can’t admit he has a drinking problem and I can’t live with the smell. We fight every night. He is fine until 5 pm. Then it’s all downhill but the only reason he is fine in morning is because he is hungover and sleeping in. My parents use to fight and now I have the same life. I have tried to stop being the enabler and walk away from him and ignore him but then he thinks I have an attitude and gets even more angry. Of curse everything is my fault, I didn’t feed him, I didn’t love him, I didn’t hug him, I didn’t appreciate him. It’s hard walking away because that little piece of Hope won’t let me. I don’t know how live without him and I also know if heoses us he won’t survive. But will I survive the pain, anger, hurtful words, the yelling, the emptiness?

  224. I believe my husband and father of my 5 kids has a serious drinking problem. He started drinking whisky heavily during a huge family lawsuit we underwent with his family. Some times he admits it and will take Antabuse then drinks on it. I believe I have become codependent. He hides his drinking from me and even drives and drinks. I find bottles and he is clearly drunk. We are seeing an addiction psychiatrist since 2007 when he went to rehab for his addiction to percacets. My kids know some times too. I’m at a lose I can’t leave him I have 5 little kids with him but I think he needs rehab again. God help me. I’m so scared and sick over him. I don’t eat and my kids are so sad seeing me deal with him.

  225. I have been married fr 23yrs now, my 3 kids have grown up with my hubby’s abuse n voilence, its now affectin my youngest child, as my 2 elder kids dnt care a damn wat he does. I’m also veri hurt n fed up now. I’m consedering leaving him as we tryd rehab n counciling which didn’t work for veri long, pls advise me thnks

  226. my husband and i have been married for 5 yrs. we have 3 kids together ( we started dating when we was 15) he is a VERY heavy drinker.. this pasy year has been the hardest for us. He has skipped out on paying bills to have more money for beer.. I have ran out of gas taking kids to school and sport stuff bc he wont allow me to have any money. (i am a stay at home mom) the last three months he has been hateful towards me yells at me in my face, calls me names and even says im cheating.. when i am not.. we have not had any sex in months bc “hes not in the mood” or too drunk. this past week i told him i need a break from all of it.. that he needs to find out what he wants to sober up and get help and have a family or keep drinking and no family.. its hard bc i see him hurting when i go by the house.. i dont know what else to do…

  227. The stories on here made me cry and gave me comfort. I am home alone, after another horrible, exhausting experience with my addicted husband.
    He has just come out of a withdrawal unit for his dope addiction, but has started alcohol bingeing again, the real demon in our relationship.
    We have been together 20-odd years, married for 14. As the years went on, his behaviour after drinking grew more and more frightening and intense. Rages, including in public, where I would be called the most awful things, and menaced and terrified until I was a cowering, sobbing, stuttering mess. Then he was content. It did once cross over into physical abuse (which he claims he can’t remember) I do not know this man when he is drunk.
    Usual story: intelligent, generous, funny, affectionate during the good times, but I came to believe that all THAT was the fake part, the real him came out after drinking. It was a very, very frightening realisation.
    Last night he came home after drinking, banging on the door at 1am, to et him in. I (politely, of course) asked him to leave out my keys on the table. He’s lost them earlier in the day, and I needed them to get to work etc, plus, they’re my keys! Reasonable request… Of course, that set him off, so I just quickly, and quietly went back to bed.
    Got home from work today, without a key to get into the house, he’d conceded to leaving out only the spare care key, and of course I can’t get into my own home. There’s a text message saying he’s staying in a hotel tonight to “decide about our future.” One hour, one locksmith and $100.00 later, I’m inside, AND he still hasn’t replied to my msg re the key.
    You see, he doesn’t care, quite possibly has never actually cared. He feels no remorse, no need to make things better, or safe for me. In his eyes, he owes me no explanations, no concern and no apology. I don’t even actually know why…I suspect he is talking himself into despising me, so it’s easier to leave. I know he desperately doesn’t want to be seen as the “bad guy”, so I guess he’s got a bit of strategizing to do.
    So, hotel in town for him, there’ll be alcohol, and sex involved I’m sure. He has very low impulse control with both, and is very much into instant gratification and being admired.
    Thank you for letting me share. I am so sad, and tired and confused. So many years. So much debt, and wasted opportunity. So many tears and days of utter and total confusion and fear.
    I wish you all well, I really do. I hope you can find some comfort and support whilst you are enduring all this.

  228. My husband has an addictive behaviour personality. He was a recovered alcholic for 22 years, but he just changed his drug of choice. Since we have been married we have gone thru different addictions; gambling, pain killers, sextexting, craigslist meeting women and then back to antidepressant binzos. He is rehad now. I am not taking him back. When I met him I was a single Mom with 2 girls. He and I got married and had 1 daughter. He was great the first 7-9 years of our marriage. Then his addictive behaviour came sneaking back. It was very subtle and since I had no idea how or what I was dealing with, I was enabling because I loved him. He is coming out of rehab and I am asking that he not come home. He will either be going to a sober living home or wherever. I am tired and hurt by things he has done and said. I would rather live alone and have my girls and family than to have him. Ive been to Al-ANON meetings. Ive been to therapy. I held up my vows to the best of my ability. This man will continue to do bad things and will continue be self destructive and has taken a big part of me down with him. I refuse to be an enabler, I refuse to be a victim and I can and will only take care, fix, manage what I do. When he was texting and meeting women he was looking for someone in the Nursing or Caretaking industry, he is charming, loveable and attentive. He knows how to manipulate and is well rehearsed in self projection. I am getting away from this man. Believe me I prayed and got my answer. I hope everyone in this situation gets the answer they want regarding their relationship.

  229. My husband and I have been married for 14 years. He has been an alcoholic every minute I have known him. Some times better than others. Lots of ups and downs. He’s tried to quit a few times but the withdrawal effects drove him back. He can consume between 30 and 50 beers on any given day and does not drink anything but beer. He has been in an inpatient rehab facility for a month now. When he arrived his BAC was .40. He has a great mindset and really seems to understand the gravity of his situation. However, he is still angry and controlling and I don’t think that the mentally abusive controlling behavior he’s always shown is gone. He was always distrustful, never wanted me to do anything without him around. Always was going through my phone and email and facebook. We have 3 kids together and our 4th child died when when she was 3 weeks old and that was when he really spiraled out of control. I feel like I should be very glad that he got treatment, that he wants to be better. But the last month at home with the kids has made me realize that I have been carrying the burden of single parenting for years. The only difference has been that my stress level is diminished. I can pay the bills without worrying that he’ll clean out the checking account with no consideration for what I need to get us by. I told him last night that I didn’t think I could ever give him the relationship that he wants from me. I can forgive him and I can be a coparent with him. But for at least a year I have been here to make sure that the kids had someone stable around 24/7 and because I felt if I left, he would die. I care about him and I want to support him and I can even say that I love him. But it’s not a romantic “in love” love. I’m tired of putting my life on hold to keep his ship stable. I want the peace and happiness that the kids and I have had for the last month to be our new normal.

  230. Yes I am married to someone that is active in their addiction. It makes me nervous because I do not know what he is capable of.

  231. I have been with my addicted husband 2 1/2 yrs married 2. I met him 5 1/2 years ago when I began my road to recovery. I am a recovering alcoholic. I dated men who were normal drinkers but didn’t meet the right person. Husband and I had been friends and both single began seeing each other. I was excited that he too was in recovery. I liked the idea that we could celebrate it together. Boy was I wrong!!! He had two years sober when we married. I am at fault for not asking all the questions I should have. He has been in and out of sobriety for years. He developed a cocaine addiction 30 some years ago and goes between crack and other forms. He used for the first time in our relationship right after our marriage. I was devastated and shocked. I didn’t know his drug of choice. He had lied about that. I recovered from my shock and tried to write it off as a very bad decision on his part. I welcomed him into my family who loves him dearly. We both had good jobs and got even better jobs. We had a grandson. Bought a home. None of it matters. He goes to meeting everyday and works with a sponsor but he doesn’t want to be clean. Seven times of his using later and I am done. My heart is broken. I am blessed to have my family and my sobriety. I have been through so much I can do this but I am so sad. He lies and manipulates and I see that’s all it is now. Having done this for 30 years I feel little hope he will ever be clean and I don’t think I could ever trust him again. He has lost children to his addiction he has been arrested I just don’t know. He hasn’t reached the bottom. I’m so afraid what that might be. I’m so so so sad. Letting go. I have to take care of me. The pain of the loss is huge. Thank you for a forum to let it all out

  232. I’ve been together with my husband for 14 years 8 living together. And some how i never saw this person as bad as i see him today. (His mother left him when he was 8 she went back for him when he was 16.) Just so you know his damaged. When i met him i didn’t know his whole story but even before i did, i knew he just wanted somebody to love him with everything they had. And i did with everything in me. After like 4 years in the beginning bf and gf i had this special day planned for us, our 4 year anniversary. I waited he never showed i didn’t hear from him in 2 days that was on the weekend. He only knew my brother inlaws number he called him i got the phone he was in jail for being at my school, we didn’t go to the same one. That’s when i saw another person In him. He started drinking more and i hated that because my father was an alcoholic as well he beat, cheated and wouldn’t come home for days and i never understood why my mom stayed with a man that would hit you. I know i didn’t want that. So when i seen this different him I started telling him i had somebody else and that i didn’t want to be with him. I didn’t know it would hurt him as much as it did. Now I know trying to scare him wouldn’t have helped. We have 3 boys 7,8 & 3 months :/
    He leaves right in the time i want to start believing in him. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart can’t take no more i don’t want to walk away when we’ve both fought so hard to be together. I’ve been so depressed, head hurting. I’ve been trying to find my self but i keep seeing him asking me for help but not saying it. I’m lost and i don’t know how i got here or let it get here

  233. Alisa Edwards, I too moved 1200 miles (from Florida) to be near & live with my boyfriend in NY. Your story struck a nerve in me. Al-Anon is useless. Yes, they say live your own life. Quite impossible if you are not allowed on the computer, the phone, or to do anything else beyond go to work and come home to take care of the kids. He’s a high functioning alcoholic who demands my attention (only when HE wants it). He’s been an alcoholic since he was a teen. He’s 46 now. He is intensely loving. We will have a great day and just like flipping a switch, something tiny will set him off and that will start WW3. He told me to pack my crap and go (for the bazillionth time – and in fairness, I have left him on my own a few times). So I did as he said, and left. He’s trying to bargain with me now saying he’ll stop drinking if I come home, take care of his son, and work on US. Nope! I told him he needs to be 6 months sober before I’ll see him again.

    When I say that I am devastated, it is truly an understatement. I told him my life is a wreck now and he said it’s because I made it a wreck and threw him into the middle of it?!?! The only thing I know without a shadow of a doubt, is that I cannot allow my own son to grow up in this environment. He’s too sweet, easy-going, and gentle to have his life ruined by an addict. Find a good therapist who specializes in addiction. And if you can, go back to TN. Save yourself – Save your babies!

  234. Hello,
    I am living with an alcoholic spouse, and i have just read your article, i agree 100%, i am completely addicted to his addicton, and i am an enabler to him also, all i want to do is get away from this man, it is my dream !!! I have tried so many times only to return to the sane thing over and over again, i gave birth to his son 4 months ago, of course he was great for the first while but it is all back to normal again, i now have to be strong for my son and i have to start recovering myself from this disease, i am aware i am also sick and i need to now start putting myself first, but how and where do i start ?

  235. Still trying to leave. Even after treatment the psychoses that go along with the addiction usually remain. So, even if your addict receives treatment and does not relapse, their mental condition is still poor, even in the best of circumstances. Have not left yet due to financial challenges, i.e., accepted for housing but trouble coming up with additional deposit (low credit score due to financial/economic abuse), payment for truck/movers, etc. Prayer is that he move out of marital home. Family with financial resources unwilling to assist. It is not their responsibility. I have to “squirrel” more money away to be able to move smoothly. A shelter is not an option. The abuse continues. Dysfunctional Father’s Day: his children and grandchildren (from his first marriage) are a “mess” – long story shortened.

    To Lilly Good: Suggestion: Leave the relationship. Let Court/mediator/therapist decide what is in the best interest of the child. The toll on children in these relationships is devastating. Only a suggestion. During this time: Prayer Therapy Support Safety Prayer

  236. I enjoyed reading this blog immensely. Finally some information that helped me see the need for me to help myself and not just focus on helping him. Any information that could help me heal and focus on my and my child’s future would be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you so much!

  237. Wow it is so amazing what we are willing to live with when we love someone isn’t it? The question I believe we need to ask ourselves is “Do we love ME?” As in really love ourselves. We state that we love this addict and believe we are the co dependent who we have allowed to rule our life. If that is so, and we know what type of life we are allowing our ME to live … we need to stand up for ME. It all boils down to what are we really willing to live with? My husband had a positive drug test at our group counseling session last night. We were called aside after the group session for the counselor to consult with us regarding this topic. While awaiting the news I asked my husband if there is something he needed to tell me. He said No of course NOT. I was about 60 percent shocked with the results. when asked if I remembered weds and if he acted any different I couldnt answer the question. A part of me was proud! Had I detached myself so much that I block out noticing any odd behavior? Demeanors, I, in the past, looked at under a microscope? But the old me felt guilt! I should know this answer I should know my husband and his ways and take care of him!. Again what am I willing to live with. What are my boundaries? ok you slipped all addicts are going to slip. It has only been 14 days of sobriety.Do I give you three slip ups …10 ? But if he is lying what help is that to anyone that is trying to work the program with him? Then what do I do but spend half the night reading on what could possibly have given a false positive result? I so want to believe in him, this man I say I love. But then I say I LOVE ME!! Would I lie to me regarding pills or help? Would I protect me regarding pills or help. If I truly love me I have to work on ME. It is very hard to do this.

  238. Sorry my phone froze. I told him if he verbally, physically, economically or emotionally abuses me that he needs to leave the home and we will not see or talk to him until he can respect my boundaries. Now my question is, I changed the locks some time ago so when he leaves he cannot come home unless I say, am I setting too strict of boundaries? Cuz I have read that going from one extreme to the other is still co-dependency. Also am I being controlling as I am not allowing him access to his child, dog or belongings? He has been staying at his parents for some time,months, on and off while this has been going on. 6 months to be exact, so he has quite a bit of belongings over there. N I block him n refuse to talk to him in between though that’s a newer thing. I used to demand apologies n allow him to call me more names n anxiety n blow up n just let him get to me. Am I being unkind by ignoring him? Am I doing the boundary right? In a way yes I’m trying to control his behavior, cuz he shouts I’m just trying to control him, my rules my world no one else has a say, but I’ve only set these boundaries cuzive read I’ve allowed the abuse n the only way to make him respect me is to stand my ground. Cuz if I don’t respect me he never will. No know it still may not change him but this is the hill I’m willing to die on. I will leave over this, love him or not. But then I keep thinking but I’ve started controlling him too here at the end. Demanding apologies, searching his phone n car, yelling n screaming, threatening him back when threatened. So how can I say I wont tolerate this when I do? I am trying not to. No succeed most days but I’m human n fail others. So shouldn’t I give him that same benefit of the doubt?

  239. So I have already decided I am staying and I have been doing lots of research, attending Alanon n seeking help anywhere I can get it as I am suffering. But I am struggling as I am new to it all, the admitting, on boundaries. My alcoholic is and has been in past controlling, verbally and physically abusive. At some point I became all of those things as well in the heat of the moment. But I recognized that I sling insults when I’ve asked a million times that he stop or apologize and I just hit that point where my anger gets to me n I sling one back. Or I pushed him the other day when he kept calling me names. It was the first time I have ever put my hands on someone n I am so appalled at myself that I started researching n looking for help n soul searching which led me to realize I am co-deoendent. So I am trying to fix myself. I realize I gave him control and I allow the abuse. So I set boundaries. We live together with our infant daughter and my elder daughter. So I told him that if he verbally abuses me or physically

  240. Reading the above actually brought me to tears. It hit very close to home. My husband is an addict. He likes pills, pot, and booze. We have had low points with all 3. There is also probably more I am just oblivious to. I trust him. I believe him everytime. My husband just got done with 4 months of rehab at a mental facility for vetrans. He is working a program at the VA. Today he told me he wants to go out for a few beers after work with his co-workers. And all is see is all of that hard work all of that pushing through all of the crying and fighting go out the window. He is mad at me for my negative reaction. So he will for sure go. He’s not mad though the addiction is mad because I’m common sense talking. I am 5 months pregnant with our second child (yes I know why would I get pregnant with an addict) we are living in my parents basement. My husband still has a warrant out for the last time he hit rock bottom. I am terrified nothing I say or do will be the right thing. I 2 any to badly to have a healthy relationship. I love my husband and our son loves him. I have no idea how to grab hold of my life and make things better for our family. I am constantly waiting for him to lead his family. Waiting for him to look at me again like I am someone to be with. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and feeling so alone.

  241. Oh my how life repeats itself. I was previously married to a wonderful man who at the ripe age of 40 decided he was depressed. Was diagnosis with clinical depression and given Prozac. After feeling like the depression was over he decided to mix alcohol with the prozax he quickly turned into a bi-polar state. He had previously drank for many years and was a dry drunk for 7 years prior to this episode. I was attending alanon during this time. Long story shortened . After a total of 18 years I left. Mainly due to what he was putting our son and daughter through. I raised the children on my own for the next 10 years. It did feel good to leave he never recovered and passed away last december in the street totally alone. A very smart wonderful husband and father when he wasnt drinking. Moving fast forward to today. I am living the same story. Just found out my husband of almost 8 years has been hiding alcohol,zanax you name it and using. Yes, there has been episodes I questioned and his past remarks of the ex and how she projected her past alcoholic issues on him. However, in my blindness I couldnt believe that this was happening to me AGAIN! He had a small in house accident and hadnt been the same I mentioned I thought he was depressed…he ended up on effexor and mixed all with the alcohol. I travel a lot with my job and have the entire marriage. I know he was binging during these times of separation. He has willingly on his own plan entered an out patient rehab. I attended the family session this past monday. 95 % are parents I felt so stupid. A part of me is so angry at WHY am I staying? I cant even bring myself to return to alanon. I know in my very pit of my stomach he is going to return to drinking and I am setting that as my boundary now but I know I am not ready to leave. I know what happened to the person I left last time. Thanks for letting me vent

  242. I have been with a drug addict/alcoholic for 12 years. We are not married but we have 5 kids together. I am so drained. I have had this battle of do I leave or stay for 9 years now. He has gotten alot better than he used to be. He used to use everyday. Now its once to three times a week, but he refuses to get help. I love him with all of my heart, but recently he has started to make me feel worthless and ugly. I moved from my home town 1500 miles away to be with him in hopes that when we moved he would change. He didn’t. Now I am all the way up in New York with his family and I have been contemplating whether or not to take the kids and go back to TN with my family. I am so confused and lost, I need help. I don’t know what the right decision is for my children.

  243. I have no choice but to leave. He is physically, emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. I have $20 in my accounts although our combined income is over $100,000. I reached out to my parents but they are devout Christians and are encouraging me to stay with him and have him seek treatment. He has sought some treatment but he still drinks. At this time, I am seeking affordable housing as he will not leave our home.

  244. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and he have been married for 11 years. We have 3 children together. He has been addicted to weed for over 20 years (smoked 24-7). During our marriage I have asked him stop on many occasions. I have tried to enlist the help of his friends and family (no one really helped though; they offered some suggestions, but mainly laughed it off). In addition, to his weed addiction, he has been verbally and emotionally abusive (and a few times physical). He also has had on-line affairs and emotional affairs with various women. He has also been fired for $exu@l harassment. I have stuck by him through all of it. However, in January, I told him I could no longer live with his pot-smoking and it was putting me and our children in danger. He did not handle the news well and he became very self-destructive and abusive. He threatened suicide on several occasions, he has spread nasty rumors about me, gossiped to everyone we know (including my safe zones… work and my family) and was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. He created a new bank account for himself and took money out of ours and he also contacted several lawyers. His family is full of attorneys so they drafted several threatening separation agreements and shared parenting agreements. His family was not supportive of me at all and bullied me. Finally, after seeing a text to another woman that was flirty I had reached my boiling point. In response to me finding the text, he cut his chest about 25 times with a pocket knife. After a long dramatic 3 months he has decided to go to rehab. During these three months, I have attended counseling, read books, attended A-ALON meetings and I am going to peer groups and counseling for domestically abused woman. I was ready to meet with a lawyer but my counselor has suggested I wait until after he goes through rehab to file for divorce. I don’t feel like I want to stand by his side anymore. There has been so much damage. I am not sure my feelings for him will ever return. He is begging me to stay with him and is very much in love with me. I told him I would not meet with a lawyer until after he returned from rehab and after a month of being separated. I am not sure this is something I want to do. I feel like getting on my with my life but I feel selfish for feeling this way. I have been taking care of him for so long now.

  245. Oh my god.. These stories are so sad. And really put the past 10 years of my life with a drunk into perspective. My husband has been an ‘alcohol addict’ since he was a teen. he’s now 40. We met when I was 15, and he was 30. I really didn’t know how to deal with what was going on with him and we ended up going on a crazy roller coaster ride for the past 10 years due to his ‘addiction’. I’ll trl you what though, he would start and stop drinking when he wanted. It might be a strong urge but these people either have a conscience and willpower or thr Don’t. It’s taken me this long to realize it, thru living this horrible life, that my husband was too selfish to do what he needed to do for himself and his family. Anyone who stays with these pieces of Crap are choosing to make noth only their lives as miserable as the addict’s, but dragging their children thru a horrible upbringing that will no doubt give them serious psychological issues later in life. Eeryone I have Ever known that grew up in one of these households, grew up resenting their parent for their weakness and staying, not having enough love for themself and their child and giving them a Better life..and these kids either grow up and become addicts themselves or grow up thinking its normal to live with one. I left my addicy a month ago and I never knew I could feel so alive and liberated and free, and that there’s still hope. You can still love these addicts, but you’re stupid to stay with them. You only live ONCE. Dont waste your life like these idiots.

  246. My husband and I found a WONDERFUL place for him to get treatment and he is there now by the Grace of God. The place he is at is all Christian Based. We are both Christians so we wanted a place that would not just “dry him out” and turn him loose. This place is a 4 month BIBLE based addiction recovery and IT WORKS!! So many men who have graduated from there have been clean and sober for many years. Their marriages have been restored also. I am so very happy and see a major change in my husband after only 35 days. He will be there until May 11th, when he graduates. They have a program called “Woman of Character” for the wives of these men too. We don’t stay there but they work with us and counsel us also, if we want it. That part is our choice but I am doing the Woman of Character Program and it is very good. I am finding things out about myself and my eyes are opened to the fact that I am not perfect and some of the things I need to change to make my husband succeed in staying clean. Addictions come in many forms not just drugs or Alcohol. We ALL have addictions. Maybe they are not “illegal” ones but we all have them. I love this prgram and the people who run it. I wouldn’t want my husband anywhere else. I have now moved away from the idea of divorce and we are restoring our marriage. One thing I have found out in all this is how much my husband truly loves me and how much I truly love him. With the drugs gone he is an incredible person. But I always knew that deep down inside. This program is NOT easy. It is VERY intense and they take all distractive things away. The program is FREE except for an application fee of $240.00. They do put the men on a work program while they are there.. I think it kind of makes them “earn their keep” but it also keeps them busy instead of them sitting around like they are in a hospital. My husband LOVES it there and LOVES what it is doing for him and for “us”. They have a VERY high success rate. I went to visit my husband for the first time in 33 days and I could hardly recognize his personality. He is so different but in a very good way. I am so very proud of him. He agreed to go there very easily. He did want the help. The place he is at is called America’s Keswick. It is in New Jersey. No secular program can do what this program does. My husband has done a couple “regular” rehabs and they failed. I know other people who have done them too and they are EXTREMELY expensive and the only stayed clean for a short time and are “back to it” again. When I was at America’s Keswick this past weekend I saw and met NUMEROUS couples where the husband had addictions for so many years and have now been drug and alcohol free for years since their graduation. And the great thing is they actually say this miss America’s Keswick and the people there so they come back to visit and stay for weekends. it is also a Christian Retreat Center and Campground so people that have been through the recovery program bring their families back for little vacations. I can’t say enough about it. I am just so happy we found it and my husband is FINALLY getting the help he needs and so am I. I miss him so much and cannot wait to stand next to him at his graduation.

  247. I have been married for over 9 years to an opiate addict. He was not an addict when we married or when we had our son. This has been over the past 4 years that he has become an addict. In the beginning it got so bad that he stole all of my jewelry and other personal items and pawned them for money for pills. He has been to detox 3 or 4 times, meetings, jail and rehab. I am not sure he has ever made it a year clean but, he always goes back. I would not ever question staying or leaving if I did not have a son with this man. I have no love or respect left for him and probably never will but, I do not want to hurt my son. He now after 3 years of not working or helping pay bills has a job. He keeps money for his pills but, does help pay bills now. I do my own thing, just earned my associates and am working on my bachelors, I also work two jobs and take care of my 8 year old. The only enabling I do is not throwing him out on his but, I do not dwell on what he does and doesn’t do, I think about it but, I never let it stop me from what I want in life and who I want to be. At this point I am not sure if my son would be better off without him or is that wishful thinking on my part. My son comes first, I do not need someone in my life to succeed and make me happy, I do just fine on my own with my son.

  248. Quite honestly.. if someone will leave you because your an addict or if you will leave someone because they are an addict then there was never love, just lust. Ive been on both sides amazingly and addiction can actually be a good thing to make your 2 halves a whole. It inspires soul searching but at the end of the day if you cant or refuse to stop then the person must accept it as part of you or leave. Addiction is not a choice.. make no mistake. Its a terrible life destroying disease.. but the addict did not choose to addicted

  249. I’ve been married to my husband almost 23yrs, my husband recently got out of treatment in July 2013 but has relapse for the past 3 weeks of continuous drinking. Last night we talked for a good hour and he basically said that he does not want to stop drinking and that I need to decide if I want to stay married to him that I would have to accept his drinking and not nag him cause it causes him anxiety and stress. We both suffer from depression and are medicated. Today I found him bitter, angry and severely depressed after him drinking 6 beers while I was at work. I honestly don’t know what to do. A part of me thinks I should leave and the other part of me wants to stay. We fight constantly, we fight about our pasts and his affairs. What should I do?

  250. Hi Michele. I suggest that you speak with an addictions counselor to sort out your feelings and to create a plan. You can then plan an intervention and set boundaries: your husband should seek help or you’re out of there.

  251. My husband is addicted to Crack. He was for 30 years. (before I knew him) He is now 55. I am soon to be 55. When I met him 3 years ago, he had been clean for 5 years. I didn’t even know he was addicted to anything, After a couple weeks of seeing him, he told me of his past. He also told me that he would NEVER let himself get back into his addiction again, I was so Naive to the drug world that I believed him. I was never a drug user. He asked me to marry him and I did. For the first year he was fine. Worked hard and came right home after work. No sign of any problems. After one year of marriage, he got back into his addiction. He doesn’t care what it costs us. After he gets high, he knows I am angry with him and makes all kinds of promises and acts like he is really sorry. He also says he doesn’t know why he does it and that he hates himself for it.

    He was away most of the week for work and stated all week that he just wanted to be home with me. He gets away from work today and you would think he would hurry home to me, but nope, he went and bought crack and got high. Now he is angry with me because “I have an attitude”. I want out of all this so bad. i want to buy a new home. i work my butt of for it and I can’t have it because he spends alot of money on crack. We make alot of money from my business. (He works in the business) but we barely save anything because he spends about $400.00 -$600.00 everytime he goes. He does it about once or twice a week.

    I don’t want drugs in my world. He knew how I felt about that before we became engaged an promised me it would never happen. My father was an alcoholic and I couldn’t stand that.. I grew up in an unstable home becuase of my father and now I have to deal with my husband’s addiction. I love him but I want out of all this. Am I wrong? People tell me this is a disease. If he had a another disease would I leave hm. No, but I feel drugs and alcohol are very different. I also have a hard time buying it that this is a disease. To me a disease is something that just happens to you beyond your control. Addiction to alcohol or drugs is a choice that they made.

  252. Michelle,
    I’d very much like to read/listen/learn your work. Thank you for the kind offer! I am taking the semester off of class to clarify some financial things and work out aid details. This would be a perfect time to add some personal time.

  253. Jyude,

    I remember feeling such freedom leaving him once and for all. I am so glad you feel the same.

    Michelle Lisa Anderson

  254. Rina,

    I LOVE your comment. You sound like such a strong and courageous woman! Your PsyD – how fantastic!! I am sure you will be an inspiration to many. I would love to send you my program FOR FREE called Love Over Addiction. It has every tool, technique and helpful tip I learned in therapy, al anon, research and meeting with top rehabilitation facilities. I hope you find it helpful Rina.

    Again, well done! Look at how something that seemed so bad turned out to be a blessing.

    Michelle Lisa Anderson

  255. Tulip,

    I am so sorry for you pain. Two teenage children and an alcoholic husband. You must feel exhausted. Do you know that nurses are one of the top two professions for codependency? It makes sense when you think about it.

    So, it sounds like you are on the right track. You are volunteering, growing spiritually, and taking responsibility for your actions. Well Done!

    I will be praying for you Tulip!

    Michelle Lisa Anderson

  256. Everything is vibrational energy & when someone remains with another who exhibits addictive energy, it affects everything around the addict. Leaving my x-husband even though I still loved him brought me a greater peace and love of myself. It was the best gift I could have allowed myself to receive.

  257. Almost eleven years of loving an alcoholic. He started drinking heavily when he moved to his parents’ farm, with which they requested his help, and I stayed in the county where we both had lived. I didn’t see it developing, had no experience with alcoholism.

    We got engaged and I thought the heavy drinking would slow when we married and I moved to the farm, with intentions to buy it and provide for his family. That never happened. Eventually, I learned to see the codependency in his family and we moved, after eight years, a few miles away.

    Last year, my denial shattered. I have spent hours in counseling and attend Al-Anon meetings. I am finishing a college course on alcohol and other addictions. I am completing certification in teaching yoga to recovering addicts and their loved ones. Though my finances and credit score have taken a huge hit, I hope to be able to earn my PsyD in psychology, a life goal. My highest priority is taking care of our children and raising them to be healthy which, of course, means becoming healthier myself.

    Kyzcy Hawk ‘s recent blog post led me here and I am so glad.

  258. have stayed-been through the rehab therapy and family meetings n in addition I am a nurse- so I Didn’t Do What others advised me to do- I used tough love n showed myself to be tougher- but in the end internally I am left hurting more than ever- everytime his siblings help him
    out financially n also pay for his treatments n when he is out n sober- it is me n our 2 (now) teenage children who have 2 pretend like everything has been wiped clean n all is right with the world.I am concentrating now more on ‘myself’ n ot what pple expect of me- the questions i am asked -are you working yet? not got a job yet? heck with so many yrs away frm my job as a nurse if i am not offered a post when i apply for a job -is it my fault?! I stay busy doing all myhousework,looking after my children’s needs and this experience has got me growing spiritually -so i am involved in community work and church activities—Anything I am doing wrong? Anything more I should be doing? our marital relationship is not repaired- simply because once he is out of rehab- he does not go through the 12 steps prog that involve ‘making good with those we hurt”- so I can’t force him n just focus on seeing my children heal so that their future is not scarred by all they have had to see n endure-
    Have no questions just want to say I AM THERE FOR EACH ONE GOING THROUGH THIS and praying that each one will see that day when all the advise given to codependents will not just be advise but will be a truth we can work through and find peace for ourselves.God bless all who work in suipport teams and family Anon

I am ready to call
i Who Answers?