What is co-addiction?

Co-addiction is much like co-dependency. Learn how to define and identify co-addiction here.

minute read

Defining co-addiction

The textbook definition of being addicted to codependency is similar to that of co-addiction. However, co-addiction is a very specific definition that refers to the relationship between an individual and an addict. Specifically, co-addiction is the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another, and placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. In fact, for an active co-addict, the decision to let go of an addict is not possible.

There are many layers to unravel before you can understand co-addiction. Several factors may contribute to this type of behavior. A co-addict will put all of their energies into an addict (in addition to not setting boundaries with an addict). The addict is contributing to life in a negative way so a co-addict can comfortably place blame where blame is rightfully due, and declare that the addict is the source of their problems. As a recovering co-addict myself, I find we have the tendency to create a little niche for ourselves, a place to hide. It is in this tiny, camouflaged, corner of the room where we can take cover and get the attention off of ourselves. But how does co-addiction manifest?

Types of co-addict behavior

A co-addict truly believes that if they can control their own behavior and the behavior of their loved one, they have the power to change the addict. What ends up happening is the very opposite.

Some co-addicts will cover up for an addict’s behavior, lies, and unmanageable lifestyle. They live life on their best behavior in hopes that focusing their love and attention on the addict will make this person see the error of their ways. Others will scream and yell, make threats, and try to control the addict’s behavior. They will threaten drug dealers, call the police on their loved one, ignore, plead, beg, and cry. They will try to bring the addict to their knees any way they can. Some may become obsessed with the addict’s behavior; they track emails, intercept calls, follow the addict around. There are many variations on how a co-addict may deal with his or her situation, but having the illusion of control is usually the theme.

Additionally, a co-addict is normally a giver, a person who thrives on picking up the pieces for someone else. A co-addict may need to feel needed. A co-addict is an individual whose life is turned upside down, is filled with chaos, emotional turmoil, fear, denial, obsession, and compulsion, because of the life of an addicted loved one.

Underlying issues which drive co-addiction

As a co-addict in recovery, I find that (subconsciously) we choose loved ones that “enable” us to hide from ourselves. Co-addiction, much like addiction, may be a symptom of an underlying issue. We know that addicts use alcohol or drugs to fill a void or escape. If a co-addict is addicted to a person, or their behavior, they may also be trying to deflect their own issues or perhaps fill a void. These voids or underlying issues may stem from childhood scars, traumatic incidents, low self-esteem and/or growing up with an addicted parent.

Co-addiction is cyclical

We are what we know.

And history repeats itself. If a co-addict has not dealt with his or her own issues and worked through emotional scars, then therelationships they pick may be a way to relive that past. If a co-addict knows pain and suffering, they may chose a person who recreates this feeling for them. Until this unhealthy pattern is recognized, and dealt with, a co-addict may continue to recreate a particular situation or feeling, in an unconscious way, to try and fix it.

For example, if a woman was raised by an addicted parent, and grew up with feelings of anger, shame, sadness, and fear, she may choose a similar life partner. She may choose a man who brings up the same feelings that are comfortable for her. If she never forgave or came to some resolution with the addicted parent, this woman may chose a man that is familiar to her, and hope, possibly on some unconscious level, that he can make things right.

Co-addictive behavior is just as much an issue for the co-addict as addiction is for the addict. Until this pattern is broken, co-addictive behaviors could last a lifetime.

Questions about co-addiction

Do you have questions about co-addiction or its treatment? Please leave your questions or feedback in the comments section below. We try our best to respond to all comments with a personal and prompt reply.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


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  1. I have been in a 3 year relationship with an addict. He gets better for about a month but then cannot handle his stress and anxiety in life and hoes right back to a substance. He is verbally abusive and negative. He makes me feel lazy and incapable of being loved. We have a 2 year old daughter together. He has made me feel so guilty about leaving him because of this and always manages to say hes sorry and convince me to hold onto him. I am a dtay at home mother as well, so i have fears and an attachment to what he provides. He has threatened on many occasions to cut me off the account when i question strange purchases. I have moved out multiple times to live with my parents and he still seems to go unchanged. I want to leave and just be done but i dont know why i keep staying and hoping it will change.

  2. Maya, Janette, Sally, Mihut, Clarice,
    The journey starts from within. You need to look inside yourself and get out what you want and listen to your gut when it tells you that things may never change. You have to change you in order to get different results. You cannot expect an addict to change in order for you to be happy, you may end up waiting around forever.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  3. Hi,
    I think I may be a co-addict, or an addict, possibly both! I seem to always like good looking alcoholics and or stoners. The last guy smoked weed and drank every day. He also was a bit of a sex/porn addict and quite messed up. I’m quite similar but not quite nearly as bad. Yet. I need help. I broke up with him last week, a mutual decision after my gut instinct told me he wasn’t right and we had a ridiculous, alcohol fuelled row…. which was mainly me having a rant. Feel heartbroken

  4. I’m a co addict. I’m an ACOA, have been in an abusive relationship with an addict for 30 years. I finally got out.
    Now, 3 years later I meet someone and fall in love. I knew he was as addict but I thought he wasn’t using. He’s now in rehab.
    Am I not supposed to be with him….I truly love him for who he really is, and I know he loves me.

    What do I do?

  5. I have been with my husband for many years . At the beginning I knew he partied and at the time I was strong and left. Time went on and We then came back together. Had our second child and got married. We where in honeymoon phase everything was great. Then little by little the demons crept up the cycle started all over again the lies,being gone,financial burden. I’ve tried different boundaries, different approaches nothing works. Eight years later I am now lost. Understanding that it’s a cycle. I started educating myself, realizing my part in this as a co/addict. I need help with boundaries and understanding why every time I get strong enough to stand up . Everything is shattered. And wow how they can tear you apart and how to deal with the devistating feels left.

  6. I realize that I am co addict. Been with my husband for awhile. I see the patterns and red flags. But not til now , have I gained the knowledge of the part I play in it all. So as I grow in knowledge. How do I put down my walls went he comes home. Not knowing what to expect. And how to deal with the daily excuses when he comes home. My throat hurts, my vape broke today, I’m tired. Always something daily. How do I change my thoughts and feelings regarding these daily struggles?

  7. My boyfriend and I are very much in-love; been together for over a year and a half. He is a binge drinker (vodka) when he starts he is unable to stop and will drink a whole 26er if he doesn’t pass out, or will finish the rest when he wakes up. He told me he has stopped waking and drinking and he in the beginning of our relationship would drink and drive. I also found empty bottles in odd places, bathroom cupboard or kitchen lazy Suzan. I confronted him, anytime his behaviour gets unhealthy I tell him and try to when he’s sober. I cry a lot and it hurts to see him so intoxicated (he enjoys drinking alone) on a Sunday or Monday night when he works early the next day. He can go a few days without and has 6 weeks and another time 3 weeks! Which I’ve told him how proud I am of him when he does.

    Alcoholism runs in his family (males). The major issue is that he drinks to the point where he blacks out and is unable to express his thoughts. He doesn’t remember things he says and does the next day and acts like everything’s fine but I’m stressed out. I’ve pleaded with him to speak with someone. He has admitted he’s a pure alcoholic mind you he was intoxicated at the time and says he’s not now. He says he doesn’t need help cause he has control and can quit if he wants to. He’s in his 40’s, never been married, no children. We want a life together and to have a child but I’ve told him the drinking too much thing has to stop for any of these things to happen. He tells me he drinks because he’s bored and if I were pregnant he would be responsible and not drink around his children. I’ve told him that the drinking makes it hard for me to trust him because when ppl drink they have no sense of reasoning. I feel that if I stay in this (unhealthy at times) relationship it will get worse. Having a child together isn’t going to fix his “little drinking problem”! He tells me I’m too sensitive. Before he told me he neeed my help to quit, but I feel he projects his disappointment of himself when he starts drinking on me then he’s mad and will ignore me the next day. He’ll say things like I’m the bad guy as if I’m saying he is when I’m not!

    It’s gotten exhausting and I did break it off when lasted a day he told me he didn’t want to leave and that he will drink only once a week or two socially. 2 days later for 4 days in a row he binge drank again.

    I don’t know if I should stay, have an intervention or speak with a counsellor myself?

  8. Marie,
    My thought is that you should go with your gut feeling and NEVER ignore it. If you know you cannot stand to live with him this way then you should go because sticking by him for the sake of trying to help him usually ends up in more enabling. It will become the cycle of addiction and co-addiction all over again unless you extricate yourself from this situation.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  9. Britt,
    I think you might have a problem with drugs and really need to get help for yourself. If you didn’t want to use drugs, someone doing them around you should not be a good enough reason to do them. The fact that you have two children and you use drugs and say you don’t have to because you aren’t addicted is a serious problem. Both of you should seek treatment and if you do and he doesn’t then you should stay away at the very least for the sake of your children. Who cares for these children while you both get high? There really are no judgements here but when it comes to the safety and welfare of a child. A child should never have to see his/her parents getting high and I always urge the sober parent to leave so the child does not have to live in a house of addiction.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  10. Dear Amanda,
    I hope this thread is still active.
    I have for the past 3 years been with a man, who was a heavy alcoholic when I met him. Together we overcame that, and he is now sober second year in a row.
    The problem is, that he has now taken up cannabis instead.
    He smokes 4-5 heavy joints every day, and that has made him both aggressive and indolent.
    He had a very successful job, has started a new one, and now hardly works at all.
    We were to move in together in a new flat on the 1st of July, but I have had to cancel that, because I have had enough.
    There is nothing in the World that I would rather do, than move in with him, and be with him for the rest of my life, but I can’t anymore. I have read your pieces about co-addiction and co-dependency and there is no doubt, that I am guilty of both.
    I have read so many articles and half of them state that I should set consequences, half of them, that I should be there for him.
    I don’t know what to do.
    What are your thoughts?

  11. I’m in a hard spot. I’m co dependent and a co addict. So what makes this so hard is when he uses I use. I don’t have an addiction problem but he makes me feel like I do. But if he stays clean I stay clean. I don’t ever have drugs or get drugs. And when I drink when I’m not with him I can stop. Our relationship has been like this since day.1. First it was alcohol then coke now snorting meth. I left him 3 months ago bc I couldn’t stay clean bc he kept relapsing and then I would too. Then I would get fed up bc he wouldn’t stop. I’d leave him again he would convince me he would get help and so on and everytime it happens. I feel like I can’t win. I know what makes me happy and what I should do but I can’t do it. I did it for a few months but that’s only bc he decided he didn’t want to be with me so we separated. Then he decided a few weeks back he was ready to work things out and here we are again.
    I need help for myself so that I can get out or at least make him follow through with his sobriety. After a few days of using we both agree to stop and seek help. Then a week or two goes by and he relapses and I follow suite. What do I do? I’m married and we have two kids.

  12. Lexy,
    Good question. If your life and your mood, happiness and self worth doesn’t revolve around his addiction and his recovery then you can start to separate out if this is really love or just a different type of addiction. The lines become blurry and there is so much drama with this person that we take it upon ourselves to try and fix them and that need to feel needed in this way comes from our own issues.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  13. Jacquie,

    I think it is time now that you can stop worrying about what is right for him and worry about what is right for you. It sounds like if you don’t make s change he never will, why would he there are no real consequences. If you want to be happy and stop living this way then you are going to have to be the one to do something about it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  14. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. He had a drug addiction for around 2 years and I was only aware of it for around 10 months. In those 10 months I became a co addict. I have majority of the characteristics of a co addict. He has just finished a 3 month rehab program. I’m just confused on what co addicts should do after the rehab process, I haven’t been able to find any information. It can’t just go away. How can you tell if you’re in love or just addicted?

  15. Hi
    My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic and I have tried for years to get him to give it up and he says he will but he still drinks but tries to hide it. I have confronted him on it and have asked him to leave our family home if he will not give up alcohol. Is this the right thing to do because I think I am a co-addict and do not want to enable his behaviour anymore.

  16. Whitney,
    There will be drugs no matter where you go. You can’t hide from them, you just have to make the choice to be in recovery–which he has never committed to. You need to hold your boundaries and make sure you are prepared to follow through with the consequences or you will just keep going on this merry-go-round because he will know you are never serious. It is time for a change–for you–for your kids and you both deserve better.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  17. I just realized yesterday that I am a co addict. My Husband of 7 years has been struggling with drug and alcohol abuse. He started leaving and not coming home when our First son was one month old. Spending all the money..strip clubs etc…I have been forgiving and forgiving him. I have left him and gone home…. But then the fear and guilt kick in and I go back. I feel like I’m at a place where I realize no matter how hard I try he has to want this fixed….I can’t do it! He went to rehab for one day about 6 months ago. He is still using method about every week or two. Now he wants to move us and two kids to Colorado because he says the drugs are everywhere here in South Alabama! We already left Tx or home and all our family because he had to leave because of drugs. I’ve made boundaries that he always crosses. Its really hard to grasp all of this and the fact I have such a hard time wanting better for myself. I know its a very unhealthy place to be raising our two boys. I have to want more for us! I know only I can fix this if he refuses help….its just that rejection that kills me.

  18. Sonia,
    what is your gut telling you? take your husband, friends and family’s advice and comments out of the equation and what feeling do you get when you think about staying or leaving? It is scary to leave but you know deep down if your husband is for real or not. I can tell you that abstaining from drinking for a few weeks does not mean he is in recovery, it just means that his will power is kicking in and it is only a matter of time. To be in recovery means to understand you can never drink again, to work on why you drink in the first place, to find the support you need to stay sober and to change your life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  19. I have wrote before and I’m still confused on what to do with my life. My husband flipped his truck for the second time and now is being charged for his second owi. This happened in Jan. and he has been doing a lot better with drinking. Sometimes will go weeks without anything. He says he is trying to change for the better but, than some of his comments makes me wonder if this is just intill he is done with the court stuff. I have divorce papers from last year still pending that I either need to move forward or cancel. My family and friends say to move ahead but, I keep telling myself that I’m giving up to soon on him. I’m so lost and want to do that right thing without ruing the kids lives.

  20. Food morning I an currently the wife of an alchol and drug abuser I’m trying to get help so I can make the best decisions to 5ake care of myself I want to live the rest if my life in peace

  21. Kylie,
    You are the sober parent and you are doing what is right for your children. How can anyone blame you for not wanting to live with or expose your children to a man that is using meth, even if it is their father? No one can, but people get angry and want to place blame, so they blame the only person they can, you. Your children are just angry and impressionable and don’t understand addiction. They should have to be dealing with this at all and are because he won’t stop using drugs and get help. Don’t second guess yourself, he put you in this situation and now you have to do what you have to do to take care of your children. You have to put them and you first, not him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  22. Hi Amanda,
    My partner has been using Methamphetamine on a weekly basis for the past year, prior to that he only used at parties ect.
    We have been separated for the past 6 months. He is currently living with his parents and I am in the family home with our three children. He has turned his parents against me & my children all think that im horrible to their dad. I have never stopped him from coming over & seeing our children, however this coming & going as he pleases creates conflict & mayhem.
    I have the opportunity to move out and live my parents, my partner does not want this as it will create bigger boundaries between me & the children.
    Please give me your opinion?

  23. Connie,
    See a therapist that specializes in addiction to help you break free and find the strength to leave. You are enabling him 100% but if you don’t make a change in yourself you will never find the ability to walk away. You need to get help for you, therapy, finding supportive friends, reading the articles here and going through some self-discovery with self-love and healing. You need to work on you and why you have put up with this all of these years. You need to love yourself enough.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  24. Scott7595,
    Please get help for yourself and protect that innocent child. If she is a heroine addict, do you know what that is doing to your unborn child. I hope it is not to late but I would take her to court and force her into detox for the sake of your child and get your life back on track. You need to stop enabling her and after she has your child, you need to take your child and let her go. How can a woman who shoots drugs care for a child? I have to say I am surprised that you watch her shoot up and still love the sight of her. This is a very scary place for any person to be, not an attractive one and I think that image should be the number one reason you let her go, to save your child from that image. She won’t stop, not for you or for your child. She may stop one day but only when she hits rock bottom.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  25. Please help I’m a Co addict have been for 20yrs I want out but don’t know how my husband is a alcohol and drug (Crack cocaine) addict he has more relapses then recovery and I think it’s Cuz he knows I will pick up the pieces!! Well I don’t want to anymore I need help to know what to do to stop the madness! I have been to Naranon but all I heard was people going through the same thing and I didn’t get any guidance!! Please help me!!

  26. i am defiantly a co-addict i cover up for my girl i even ride with her to get it i think it keeps her from getting killed or hurt or killing someone on the road because she will do it just as soon as she gets it i dont know how to help her anymore i am at a lose on what to do i love her we have been together 4 years now and i have now devoted my life to her habit we now have i baby on the way i just need to no what to do and how to help here i have been jailed twice now for her leaveing needles in my car and i am just staying in trouble for something i dont even do but now its me getting locked up for it i love her want her to be my wife and rase r kid together but my first ? is is there someone that can help me out of my leagle trouble in Birmingham AL i really need help here r i am going to go to jail for trying to help a addict bet there problem i lost my job trying to keep her safe she has been rapped by 2 dealers and i just went to rock bottem with her i was doing vary well before this i was a auto tech at a local dealership for 10 years now i just feel like a pice of shit pleas help me. Next what can i do to help her she knows she needs it but just want take the steps how do i go about getting her help and getting her to do it r where can i go to talk to other people about this i just dont even know who i am anymore

  27. Depressed Mother,
    Are you helping him by being away? He is using anyway. I think you have to find a way to let him go and be with his addiction to the point where he realizes that he needs more help. You cannot do that for him even though that is the hardest thing for a parent to watch.
    Two things, join an al-anon group and start cognitive behavioral therapy with an experienced therapist to help you let go and detach with love. You can offer your help to a sober and in recovery son but not one that is using, this is not your battle.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  28. Here I am again .. I moved so my son could have a better life new start of the drugs clean for 5 months away from his so called addict friends so he wouldn’t end up in jail away from family and friends .. Now the last few weeks he’s doing drugs .. I don’t want to be here away from my family it’s hard but I’m scared if I take my son back home near his friends he will end up in jail and blame me for taking him back there I’m depressed and having anxity attacks because I don’t know what to do anymore .. Am I just thinking of myself if I take him back there I really do want to move back home my daughter is having a baby in November and would like to be there for her but all I seem to be doing is trying to help my son ..

  29. Yvonne,
    It is up to you really and you have to stop believing and get strong so you can move on. I know you know what to do but your question is how to do it. There is no easy way, you just have to do it and then deal with the emotions which will end. You will hurt but it will be worth it, especially for your child.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  30. I am With a kokain addict, manipulater and so on in a relation shit since two yrs
    I know he is not food For me and The pain and suffering Effects My 4. Year Pls child
    I have panic attacks and u lose myself in his World
    24 HRS is just about him
    Once he leaves me again i suffer and try to hang in but then he comes back again
    Always when i am better o fall For his shit again
    How do i get out if there in First place For The sale Of My child
    He does not let me move in and i Keep believe his empty promises

  31. Daisy,
    Please do not beat yourself up. I went back many times over the course of 12 years. We don’t always get everything right the first time but that does not mean that you cannot move on and work on yourself and making a good home for your son. You need to let him go and raise your son that is number one but you need the tools (like I didn’t have at the time) to keep moving on and not go back. Therapy really helped me and support groups and reading and just becoming independent again, but mostly, no contact with that person was key. Reread the end of the book and the other articles here, you will get through this and after you work on you, you will love again. I am happily remarried with 3 children, Sage and two more from my 2nd husband. Life is not perfect but I am the happiest I have ever been and my children are thriving. You will get there you just have to do the work.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  32. Amanda i didnt listen and fell for it again, he got me back and did it all again argued disappeared for the night and came back next morning saying he was walking around by himself doing drugs for 12 hours! Tonight i found out where he has been all these nights clamining he was walking round for hours he has been sleeping with escorts blowing his money on drugs and paid sex knowin i had no money for me or baby this is it i am hearbroken as i dont think i deserved it but in a way i now found kind of all the answers he made me so pranoid i knew he wasnt walking for that long but didnt expect he would be paying for sex with escorts i feel disgusting and our child is only 1 i dont know how im going to cope i doubt i would ever trust any man again ever this has been hell only 2 years in the relationship and it worst the worst time of my life our poor son i dont want him anywhere near this waste of space!
    I shoudl of listened to you and after reading your book but i was foolish once again

  33. How do you know when someone who use to drink everyday and not come home till bar close is finally done with drinking? My husband is still drinking a couple beers once a week if we go to dinner. He is not getting any help and says that he doesn’t or didn’t have a problem. That he just needed to grow up. He did made a mistake and has learned from that. I want to believe him but, part of me can’t. He has been doing more around the house and being nicer. I almost feel like it is fake.

  34. Linda,

    You have got a lot of issues that you have to really deal with and shorts through. I would go to a specialist in addiction and sexual abuse, a counselor who can really help you delve in and start looking at the connection between addiction, sexual abuse, and your current issues. Sometimes we repeat pattern because they are all we know and on a subconscious level we tried to fix the wrong that was done to us our current relationships. Let’s take a look at your situation specifically, you allow men you don’t really want to sleep with you and then you throw them away. Maybe in someway you were trying to balance the power that was taken from you when you were sexually abused. That’s just one observation and it’s only based on very little information so though it might not really represents you it’s just an example of things you might want to start taking a look at. The first step in breaking codependent behaviors is recognizing and excepting that you are codependent.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  35. I was raised in an alcholic environment and it was a hate / love relationship, I loved my mom when she drank, when she started to drink she was nicer, but then as she kept drinking she became evil, and started beating, and putting me down, and hating on me, she turned me into my brothers mother and then after she got so bad, I became her mother,.. I also was sexually abused, I have tried to self help myself, I have gone through Psychiatrist and theosophist, and my last therapist she gave me strategies to deal with my sexual abuse feeling and distraught, but I have not been able to pick good men, they pick me but its always for sex, I turn them agway, and dont have nothing to do with them, because I don’t want an alcoholic for a boyfriend or husband, he will only give me what my mother gave me hate and anger. What are the first steps into recovery from co-dependence ? from either one of these things. Can this help me for both issue?

  36. Heidi,
    This has become a way of life for you, you will see my same struggles when you read Hope Street. You have made your life all about his addiction and that’s why I use the term co-addict. This has become a way of life for you, you will see my same struggles when you read hope street. You have made your life all about his addiction and that’s why I use the term ceux-addict. You also need to find help through reading this blog, the book, maybe seeking therapy and joining groups like Al-Anon. You have to change your behavior so that you can move on with your life and be happy. If everything he does or doesn’t do affects you like this you can’t be happy with him or without him. I understand because I’ve been there and I always wanted the addict to be the person I wanted him to be and I had to accept that he just wasn’t and that I was the one with the problem for trying to make something work that was so toxic. I had to work on me just like you need to work on you right now and take all focus off of him because he is not worried about you.

  37. 2 days ago I sent my partner a message and he never replied to any of them, then I seen he was on social media saying happy birthday to his mates .. I thought how selfish after what I’ve been throw also sitting there for 2 weeks signing forms to keep him alive and the baby etc .. So I sent him a message telling him it was over as he keeps treating me like this and I’m done .. Still no reply he can’t talk yet but I figure if he really gave a crap he would of replied yeah ?? Or even write it down on his notebook to ask the hospital to ring me right ?? I wondering what his excuse will be as to no reply .. But today I’m siting here making excuses up In my head for him .. What’s wrong with me .. I don’t want to be like this anymore ..

  38. Heidi,
    Please keep reading. What you will learn is that being with an addict is always a gamble even if they are in recovery. The more recovery time and lifestyle behavior, the better the chances but he has a long road ahead of him and you will too if you leave or if you stay, but leaving your odds at being happy are much better. And no, almost dying is not always a wake up call, my ex-husband overdosed many times and continued to use. I hope you find comfort in the book but I hope it is a wake-up call for you too. Please keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  39. Cathy,
    My articles are really based on drug and alcohol addiction, although sex addiction has similar characteristics. With addiction to drugs and alcohol, it is a very different circumstance. I would possibly look to another site where sex addiction is something the author specialized in.

  40. I started training and eating good again and I tell myself I’m doing it for me because I’m a personal trainer that stopped 18 months ago because he was scared id run of with someone. I tell myself I’m doing it for myself but sometimes I know I’m doing it just to prove to him I’m not fat and ugly like he calls me I can admit in 18 months I’ve put on Afew kilos due to pregnany and emotional eating but I’m way from fat and not that I should have to talk myself into telling myself I’m not fat .. But I do feel better with the excercise. He just rang and write down for the nurse to ask me “how am I going to love someone that’s deformed” I feel like jumping throw the phone and saying well I loved you throw the drinking and abuse the lies and everything I just got home a week ago from where he is and I’m doing things I want to do . He calls on his Mobil even know he can’t talk I assume he’s calling just to see if I’m with anyone . My thoughts are will I ever leave this relationship or when he comes home is near death a wakeup call for him I’m unsure .. Confused

  41. I got your book today I’m about a 1/3 way throw it and it’s making me sick in the stomach because it’s so much like my relationship with my partner . I feel should I keep reading I know I will read the whole book. But the anxiety off the book telling me the truth hurts me to know I felt like you. My patent is getting better he’s still in hospital for at least another 3 weeks. The thing is when he left this time I told myself I would never have him back because he walked out to go party when I was pregnant and left me with no money to pay the bills all the while he had $8000 in his wallet .. But he has rang me asking the nurses to tell me he loves me as he can write on paper but can’t talk . Does he want me because he feels he can not find anyone else or does he really love me . I hate feeling like this . Back to my book

  42. How can you just go a label partners of sex addicts a co-addict? Most of us never knew about our husbands addiction until it was for to late! I REFUSE to be labeled or identified by his addiction! TRUMA now that is what I am currently going through!!!!!!!!!!

  43. Heidi,

    I am so sorry about losing the baby. I can’t even imagine the emotional pain. The social worker beat me to the question but think about what you are actually getting from the relationship. Are you happy, content, feel fulfilled, have a positive attitude, feel loved and respected??? What can you do to change your situation since you now know you can’t change him? Think about what you want out of life and drunk or sober if he fits into that image. You need to save yourself and do your own healing from this co-addictive relationship so that you can have a healthy relationship. Please let me know if the book helps because I wrote it to help others. I am here if you need me so please keep reaching out.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  44. I had the social worker ask me what I get out if my relationship and I thought nothing really I get the nice person when he’s sober but also I can’t do anything I’m not allowed to work I’m not allowed to go to the gym or the shops or I get accused of cheating or being with someone else .. I love this guy but also feel sorry for him as he really has nobody but me .. He does his family but they don’t really want to take him in and try and help him .. At the moment I sit by his bed and think ok if I let you come home when your better will you change or will you be the same person you have been for years now .. It’s been a hard 10 days for me an emotional roller coaster in ICU every day and night ..

  45. Thanks Amanda, my partner came back from rehab didn’t drink we found out I was pregnant and a few weeks after that he started drinking I told him to leave as I don’t want the drinking around the baby and all the abuse because he’s very nasty when he drinks and very controlling person .. He left and a week later I get a call from ICU hes had a sever pancreas attack on life support as he was told millions of times he can’t drink anymore so I’m In Alice springs at the moment .. While he was away on his drinking spree I lost the baby .. I’ve been here for 10 days things are looking good but is this is wake up call or will he return to drinking and his controlling nasty ways when he recovers ..

  46. Sonia,
    If he is in fact an addict, which it sounds like, he can’t have a couple of beers. Addicts have great self control sometimes but if he still drinks then he will most likely slip back and things will go back. I have seen this so many times. Addicts always say they have it under control but trying to control it is why they are addicts.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  47. What do you mean by my hell as only begun? He has been home every night since this happened which he never has been before. He has had a couple beers when we went for dinner. I’m so confused if he is really done or just waiting till he is charged and if I cancel the divorce.

  48. I have a daughter that wants to divorse her husband because his marijusna addiction Is getting worse, but she makes excuses, what is her problem?

  49. Sonia,
    I would think about this long and hard because unless you are ready to really leave, I wouldn’t do it. You will just show him that he doesn’t have to take you seriously. If you are fed up with addiction and the life it brings then your only out is to walk away and move on with your life. That sounds like hell to you, I know, I have been there, together for over 12 years and married for 6 with a child myself, but if you continue on like this, your hell has only just begun.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  50. I’ve been married for 7yrs and together for 11. It has been a roller coaster from day 1. He just received his 2nd DUI and is in trouble because he flipped his truck and walked away from the seen. I am at fault to him because, I let the cops in the house. He will lose is CDL and who knows what else. He did pay a lot of money for a lawyer and thinks he is going to get off. I have filed for a divorce and put it on hold. Now the hold is over and I need to decide if I should go through with it or cancel it. I’m afraid

  51. Daisy,
    Binging on drugs and gambling is a much bigger problem then he is making it out to be. Trust your instincts and know that you are doing what is right for you. Part of co/addiction is trusting them and not listening to yourself. You are drowned out by the addiction. Find your voice and stand up for what you want and don’t back down or worry how it will affect him, he sure wasn’t concerned about you when he was doing what he was. Learn self care and love from this and let him worry about his issues.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  52. I guees you are right his only step at the moment was finding a job after months not working, he rang the place for drug addicts and is waiting on a waiting list to have 1 to 1 meeting with someone they reffered him back in december but waiting lists are long he used to go GA meetings so he said NA meetings wont do nothing to him as its “pointless” going and talking about same stuff everyweek i never try to pressure him to do anything as i know until he wont be ready my begging wont do anything anyway. I tried to explain to him his recovery will be a long process and i do not want to rush back to being together but he for some reason keep on trying to get back in my life saying that we can live together while he sees someone about his problem but thats about it he keep saying its a small problem as he dont do it often and maybe i am in denial with myself trying to believe him even though all he is doing is telling me what i want to hear reading your book made me stronger already and i wont be trusting him easily until i see any changes but all he keep doing is promising stuff but then you are right i shall be able to see not listen that he will help himself. I dont even know how to explain this to him as i feel like if i told him he needs to be in recovery and do everything possible to stay away from drugs i ll be putting pressure on him and he wont get it i just dont know what to say to him anymore i really wouldnt want to end up in your situation of trying for 12 years its been a year already and it hurts so much

  53. Daisy,
    You are falling for the trap of lies. They are always on their best behavior when you actually leave. If he truly wants to change, you will know it 100% in your gut and you will see it! He won’t have to tell you, you will see the difference, he will be working on his recovery every single day. If he has not been to rehab and/or been in a program and been serious about recovery, then these are empty promises. What is the hurry? As co-addicts, we want to get the addict back clean but then we don’t think about if they are actually in recovery. Don’t make the same mistakes I made, if you read Hope Street, then please understand that this does not sound real and if you have any doubts, then I would go with them. He can be sober and in recovery on his own and you can be on your own and if things change, then you can revisit things in the future.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  54. I only just seen your reply Amanda i have kicked him out a week ago he is staying with his mother. I have received your book yesterday and already read it all i can not believe what you have been through! It brought tears to my eyes few times because i saw myself in some situations being out of control when he is out feeling sick when hearing him come back late at night high.. Past six months of out relationship he has been taking coke maybe 1-2 a month and gambling is similar its just like if its not one thing its another. He lies to me and i know he does when he disappear that he was by himself hiding away i do not believe this. This week made me feel relieved i do love him but sometimes wonder what a real love is? We have fallen out so many times i the past but this is the forst time i kicked him out at first there was anger but now he is trying to get me back i said until he dont realise he needs help etc i dont want him back in my life he keeps textung me everyday and i teply trying explain he need to concentrate on his own life for now as the trust is gone and would take years to build back, the problem is i want us 3 as a family i love him and i know he doesnt take drugs everyday or every weekend he just binges every now and then but after reading your book and time apart from him i feel like the weight has been lifted of my shoulders and i would love to give him a vhance he is saying he will go see people ill have his bank cards but i just dont know if i shall put myself through this again what if its another empty promise? How can i help this relationship?

  55. Daisy and Cristina,
    I am more concerned about helping you both then help you help your husbands. When you put someone else’s needs, problems, and happiness above your own in the situation of addiction, you are a co-addict. When you are dying inside and feel awful and you ask how you can help that person instead of yourself, you need to look at that very closely. How can you help another person when you are a mess? Why would you not want to conserve your own peace and happiness and why is it reliant on your husband’s action? that is what it means realistically but the truth is, we have all done things that hurt us to try to help our boyfriend or spouse and have gotten less than nothing in return. I am here because I have done the same thing. I wanted to person I met back and no matter how hard “I” tried I couldn’t get him back. You see, I was trying and he was not. He had to want to change to accept my help but we falsely go through life thinking that anyone would take the help. The difference with addicts is that they are ill and they only want your help to keep using drugs, not to stop and anything that gets in the way of that is trouble for them. Once you realize you are ready to make a change for you, then you will break this cycle and be able to move on and let go.
    Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video trailer: http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  56. I think I’m a co – addict my husband has stopped Meth and now he’s abusing alcohol and becoming a alcoholic. He’s into K2 as well his emotions r up n down he’s on meds he passes out n sitting straight up now earlier he fell asleep with his eyes partly open.I’m so worried .I love him so much he’s using everything as to be able to drink .Replacing speed with alcohol. I’ve stopped speed n not drinking and don’t like K2 I DO LOVE HIM SO MUCH HES A GOOD PERSON AND AMAZING FRIEND BUT HES HURTING HIMSELF I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.IM SO STRESSED SCREAM CRY YELL GET ANGRY HE BLAIMS THESE THINGS ON ME NICE THEN MEAN N THE BEGINNING IT WAS ALCOHOL THEN HE STOPPED N REALIEZED IT WAS CAUSING ARGUING TO MUCH THEN SPEED N NOW BACK TO THIS IM BROKEN HEAETED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO N DPNT WANNA LOOSE HIM .

  57. I think i may be co addict i cant help myself i feel trapped and so scared to leave he always threathens me he will smash my house up that he will make my life hell!! He is addicted to cocaine and gambling we have a year old baby i dont know what to do or how to get help when i tell him to leave the house he is not listening and calls me all bad names saying to ring police but even then ill regret the day i met him im scared to leave him i wish he could be like he was when we forst met any ideas how to help him get out of this!? I am exhausted if he dont disappear for days then he gambles thousands of money and he keep saying its his money and he can do what he wants then makes me pay for stuff as we have baby obviously i can not stop spending the money i managed to save he lies and if i never found out by accident about online casino today he woudnt of admitted that he lost $2000

  58. Tom,
    It sounds like there is a type of codependent relationship occurring next door. My expertise is with co-addiction, co-addicts, codependency and addiction but they may have a sex addiction and are codependent on one another.

  59. Roxy,
    Thank you for your comments. I am really happy that my book is serving it’s purpose. All I am here to do is share with you my experience and help guide you to have a better life. You are making the right decision and nothing you can ever do will make him get help before he’s ready. So now you need to focus on helping yourself and having a life that you want. There is so much hope for you and I’ve seen it through the eyes of other people going through this if they just give themselves a chance and time you will be able to see life on the other side of this.
    Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video trailer: http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  60. I’m researching a relationship in which both the man and the woman are sex addicts… technically, i don’t think your site/blog describes/acknowledges this one. So far, it appears this is a “match made in heaven” — i might not argue that this relationship will work-out just fine! — and what goes on is none of my business! However, something seems amiss; these folks are not “dating”; they go nowhere, and do nothing except basically engage in sex… almost everyday, the best i can detect; the man has been cooped-up in this woman’s apartment (i share the wall to her unit) and i think he hasn’t been outdoors for going on a year! This may be a new one for you… i’m just trying to determine the accurate terminology/key search words for this relationship. I think the term for this relationship has not been “coined” yet!

  61. I have read your book. It has really shown me what I am dealing with & what I will always be dealing with if I stay. I have already left (no contact) but not fully mentally, trying to stay strong. We’ve decided not to contact but I am scared I’ll break if he does contact with his same story of awakenings & apologies. He seems clean for a little and as soon as he has some money he disappears for days. He has been being honest at times about using & claims he wants to stop but goes right back. He is currently hitting rock bottom (no job, kicked out of his apt, kicked out of his moms house) however he runs to his aunts house to clean up & live there for a week til he comes back to his surroundings, she will always pick him up when he’s falling. I was going to recommend your book to him but I had a feeling he would just say that’s not like him when he has been doing the same for over 10 yrs or somehow turn something around on me. I know I should let go but sometimes have this hopeful feeling something will wake him up. Your book is great, it should be something that also wakes the addicts up as well as the co-addicts.

  62. Roxy,
    It is highly unlikely that an active addict is reading books about how much they’re hurting other people. Addiction is a very selfish thing by nature. Addict’s lie and will say anything they think you want to hear. This is a defining characteristic of addiction because they have to do anything they can to use. Perhaps if you read it, you could recommend he read it too but if he is actively using he wil just use it to point out how he is not like that and that situation is worse. The book is for you because you can take hi change but you can change.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  63. I was wondering if an addict has ever read your book? If so, do you think they realized how much they hurt people? My boyfriend cries that he wants to stop and change, however he does nothing towards it.

  64. Heidi,
    You need to get help now because you are hurting and you are involved in a vicious cycle. learning how to be happy and be ok despite how he is doing is part of your recovery. If that means leaving, then you need to come to that decision on your own and commit to it. There is hope for you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  65. Stacey,
    Thank you for sharing here with us. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but, in time, you are going to be just fine, better even and happy. Focus on that and use what you need to, to get through this. If you were repeating patterns of trying to fix him because you could not do that for your parents then you have a lot of deep introspection to do in order to heal and realize you deserve happiness. You repeated what you know but you can break the pattern and you took the first step. Please keep doing the work and keep me posted. I am here if you need me.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  66. I’m in a relationship with my partner who drinks every day from morning until night. I’ve tried leaving millions of times but I always come back to the I’m sorry baby it will not happen again and I love you etc he’s in rehab at the moment for his forth time this year when he’s gone I cry myself to sleep miss him and all of what a woman who loves her fiancé does but I love the sober him not the drunk person. And I always say this time he will never drink again he’s nearly 40 I clearly need help if this time he comes home and drinks again and I stay

  67. I will be leaving my heroin and crack cocaine partner after a 8yr battle , ive always believed I would save him like I tryed with my parents, I feel so unlucky we have a child together but shes only 3yrs old, we both deserve better I will be happy, you have helped me so much, I dont feel alone anymore after reading all the comments and storys, your book will give me the strength to keep to my word , thank you x

  68. Samantha,

    You made the right decision. You cannot make someone else change or become sober, that is not your job, nor your responsibility. It does not sound like he wants to stop drinking so I am not sure if therapy will be of value for him but it will be for you. I think you working on you so you can feel good and focus on your child is the only power you have. Your relationship won’t work if you want him sober and he wants to drink. There will always be conflict, and he will resent you for making him stop drinking if he is not readyor he’ll end up just drinking behind your back. Sometimes letting someone go and focusing on ourselves is the only way that we can start to heal from what we have been through. I think that is your best option right now.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/v

  69. I have been dating a guy for three years now. I am now 8 months pregnant and kicked him out 3 months ago for staying out drinking with his family until the next day. I thought he would have come back by now to reconcile however he appears to like being back with family because I don’t allow drinking in my house. His family despises me because I told him that they are alcoholics and need help. It’s pretty sad because I did not have the courage to leave him before I got pregnant and now I realize I never want that vicious cycle to repeat with my child. I have seeked counseling and wanted him to go as well. Do u feel it’s a good idea to bring him along?

  70. Chris,
    This is an issue and you can do something about it. You really have to look within yourself and understand what about this relationship is so attractive? Getting high to be with another person is dangerous and you risk addiction yourself. You can love someone but know they may not be the right person for you. Have you tried telling her if the drugs don’t stop you are going to have to leave? An intervention? Perhaps if you tell her you don’t want to use drugs anymore and you are going to stop, you can let her know you want to share a life with her that doesn’t involve drug abuse. This is your life and you should not have to live it doing things that you know deep down are not good for you or for her. I suggest going to a support group, therapy, and/or any level of support to help you through this and figure out what is keeping you stuck.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  71. I don’t have addiction problems, in fact I prefer sobriety. However, I have severe jealousy problems when it comes to my partners substance abuse. I do use recreationally from time to time but never for more than just the particular occasion. My partner however, is using always and when she’s using I have outrageous desire to be “on her level”.

    The problem, to me, seems to be more seeded in an addiction or perhaps co-addiction to experiencing everything equally with this person whom I love. This is the closest I’ve come to an article that can explain my feelings. Am I on the right track? She wants to get sober, and I want to help, but I crumble against her addiction, because I feel that if I resist it I’ll lose her, and I can’t bear that.

    1. Hi Chris. If you are willing to understand things better and from other perspectives, I suggest couples therapy for the two of you. Often, therapists can see the situation, conflict, problems, and the strengths in a relationship to help you move towards your wanted goal. You can also practice some behaviors and ways of communication with yourself and with her (under the therapists guidance and later in non-therapeutic situations) to better cope with her addictive habits and your slips.

  72. I’ve been with my husband for 26yrs he had taken me out of a bad family matter. I was molested as a little girl. So I feel safe with him. Over the years he became an alcoholic that was abusive to me. Once he stopped drinking he turned to other additions in and out of jail . He now is doing the s.i.p. program was in a 1/2 way center. They wouldn’t approve him to come home because of me having to get pfa on my husband in the past. So he found a room to rent in a bad neighborhood told me it was temporary would never let me see it. He never told me the room was approved so he started to stay there on the weekends and I thought he was still at the center. He ended up back in jail for bad urine. To find out he had another girl in the room and was getting high again on herion after being clean for over 16months. He lied about everything. Why would he do this. Now says to me he is sorry and hopes I can forgive him. I’m so anger and hurt all I do is cry I don’t know what to do

  73. Alex,
    You don’t want to give up on anybody but if being near someone who is using compromises your sobriety you need to walk away. You can’t have a relationship without your sobriety and maybe you should let her know that and that when she gets back on the right track you will be there to support her. Be careful of enabling her and draw a very distinct line where if she is ready to go back into recovery you will be there but not before.
    People, places, and things are an issue for an addict no matter how strong you are so remember that.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video trailer: http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

  74. I’m a recovering addict in a relationship with an addict. We are both in recovery and trying to maintain this relationship. I focus on my recovery and she focuses on hers. Both are in a 12 step fellowship. We don’t co sign each other’s shit and set a lot of boundaries. Is it possible for this relationship to last as long as it has already has . I feel it would be wrong to walk away from this relationship for the wrong reasons such as relapse and give up on her. I hear two sides. Stay and support her or walk away and take care of yourself which I am already doing

  75. I wanted to let Linda know that there is help and support for co addicts of sex addicts. Of course I can’t determine that her husband is or is not a sex addict, but if these kinds of issues have reoccurred, I encourage you to look into COSA, a 12 step support group.

  76. Pamela,
    If you have a question or need some support, I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  77. I Haven’t heard from my husband in 33 days. There are rumors that he is in detox. My only hope is that they are true. We have been together for 17yrs.

  78. Donna,
    What would you like to know? You can click on my name Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and a bunch of articles on co-addiction will pop up.
    Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  79. Codependency is very similar to Co-addiction.
    They both mean putting someone else’s problems and life in front of your own. You usually suffer and
    your needs get pushed to the side. You feel like
    you cannot live without this person.
    The instrumental difference is that a co-addict is
    In a relationship with a person who is addicted to drugs and alcohol. It seems you are not in this particular situation, however, the feelings and actions can be just as painful.
    I would tell anyone that is living in a situation where the person they love makes them feel shame, pain and inferior to get help for yourself and try to detach. You must feel good about yourself first before you work on a relationship, if you want to at all.

  80. I think I am a coaddict with my husband. he had an affair and is still holding on to it.
    I cant let go I think about it every waking hour. he tells me she is better than me and brags on her. he degrades me at the same time and tells me I am worthless and than I don’t count.
    ive and we have been always been a good wife to him. he has always been very degrading to me and our kids.
    but when he met this women he has become a monster to me comparing me with her.

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