8 signs you are a co-addict

Are you a co-addict? Read on to learn about enabling and co-addiction here.

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Are you a Co-addict?

Caring for and loving a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol can be one of the hardest things to watch. As a loved one, you may feel it is your job to protect this person from harm. In that process, it is easy to get lost in an addict’s problems and focus all of your energies on their addiction.

So are you in a relationship with an active addict? Do you wonder: “Did I marry an addict?” Be it a parent, brother, cousin, spouse, or child, life with an addict can wear you out.  If you not sure how to handle their addiction and feel like you are losing yourself, you’re in the right place. We review signs of a co-addict here. Then, we invite your questions about how to deal with co-addiction or leaving an addict spouse or partner at the end.

Am I a Co-addict?

If you have asked yourself if you are an enabler, you may be a co-addict.

8 Signs you are a co-addict

1. Overwhelming emotions. You find yourself becoming distressed with worry, depression, anger, and fear over the addict’s behavior. You become consumed with negative feelings every time the addict uses and you are more invested in their problems than your own.

2. Neglecting responsibilities. Inattention to parenting, cooking, work, and other responsibilities.Putting your life on the back burner every time the addict uses or has a crisis.

3. Being careless about personal appearance/hygiene. Because of all of the energy you are putting into the addict, you find little time to shower, brush your hair, teeth, or take care of your personal appearance the way you like or the way you used to.

4. Binging/Emotional eating. You are either too upset to eat or binging on junk food every time a crisis occurs with the addict. A crisis can be anything from your spouse forgetting to pick up the kids from school because they are high to being arrested or overdosing on drugs.

5. Keeping Secrets. You find yourself holding things the addict is doing inside or leaving out details to others because you feel they would make the addict look badly. You feel shame or embarrassed to talk to people you trust about what is going on.

6. Enabling. When the addict fails to meet your needs or his/her responsibilities you pick up the slack. You make up for this deficit,whether emotionally, financially, socially or professionally, over and over again. NON-Enabler Enabling – I use this term for people, like myself, who insist they do not enable addicts. They confront the addict, fight with the addict over their drug use, and are clear that the drug use is the problem. To their knowledge they do not pick up the slack for the addict and do not make excuses for them. However, when one does not set boundaries with an addict, allows an addict in their life despite their addiction, this is still enabling. If a person does set boundaries, complains about the broken promises, and ultimately forgives the addict over and over again, this is also enabling. For example, if your spouse was out all night getting high, you do not speak to him for a week, BUT after a week, if they are sorry enough, you forgive—you are enabling. If you are not happy with the behaviors of an addict and you continue to try to be in a relationship with them, you must turn the focus on your own behaviors. If an addict knows that even though you don’t agree with what they are doing, you are not going to leave them, they have no real consequence and,in turn, this is enabling.

7. Less enjoyment for the things you love to do. You love to read, surf, exercise, dine with friends, watch movies, paint, walk, or do yoga, and find the things that brought you enjoyment;you either chose not to do anymore, do not have the energy to do, or cannot find the time to do. Too much time and mental energy is being taken up by the addict’s addiction.

8. Friends and family see a change in you.The people you love, those who are detached from your situation, and can see more clearly, tell you there is a negative change in your behavior. Before an addictive relationship begins, your true friends and family knew you for the person you are. If a loved one tells you they sense something is wrong, and they are worried about you and see you disengaged—heed their warning.

If you in a relationship with an addict, chances are, you are a co-addict. If you have to ask the question, “Am I a co-addict?” it is more than likely that you already are. When co-addiction takes over, your own needs become trivial. As the addict declines in their addiction, a co-addict will become increasingly concerned, worried, and begin to disregard their own happiness and responsibilities to care for the addict.

Questions about co-addiction

So, if you think that you might be a co-addict…what do you do next? Please leave us your questions and comments in the section below. We’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly if you send us your feedback.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


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  1. Hi my name is Terry and I’m here to talk about a few things in ask a few questions in get some advice…. I am in desperate need!!… My girlfriend after 10 and a 1/2 years of her being sober she relapsed from a lot of life stress she lost her business.. Lost her vehicle lost her child and her house…. And then the same process of the she lost herself… I’ve been standing here side-by-side with her trying to help her get through this and be strong for her…. But she decided to stay with a friend I’ve heard that is an addict herself… Keeps telling me that she’s going to go to rehab in get herself help but then a few hours later she’s out by and drugs…. We We have had many arguments about this situation… And it doesn’t see how much I said are or how much I tell her that I love her and she’s hurting me did you seemed like she doesn’t care…. But she doesn’t wanna let me go either she caused me talks to me texts me… But also in the same process of this she tell me that if I find someone new and find happiness to go ahead and move on because she don’t know when she’s ever going to get better….. But come when I do go to cut my ties with her she does whatever she can to hold on to me…. I don’t know what to do here I been very stressed out I haven’t been doing anything that I do for myself because I can’t think about anything right now but her….. I’m very mostly hurt drained…. May I ask What can I do or how my supposed to get through this because I’m having a hard time dealing with this and I don’t know what else to do…. I’m scared to give up and let go because if something happens I’m gonna regret that!! I need someone to help me with some good advice in this situation that I am in right now if someone could please help me I’d be very appreciated

  2. Allison
    I’m engaged to a man who told me he had struggled with hard drugs and alcohol through most of his life but when we met and got to know each other he was clean, had been through rehabilitation programs, therapy and was currently involved with AA.
    As life has gotten stressful, he has been finding himself triggered, and has just recently relapsed in a bad way. I’m starting to see codependant behaviors come out as well as an all encompassing victim mentality that is taking over the personality of the man I fell in love with bringing out this other side refined by addiction.
    I don’t want to enable the addiction and know he needs to want to get himself into a long term treatment center, and that has to be his decision. How can I support him, love him through this hard situation without enabling the addiction? Or should true love in this situation be willing to leave so he can do what he needs to do on his own. His family has been through this with him in the past and have watched a pattern repeat in him everytime he gets close to successful levels in his life. I just want to do what’s right for his situation and ultimately our future, if there is to be one, depends on how I respond to the situation now.

  3. Thank you for these articles. I see they are fours years old, but so helpful. I have known for a while that I am part of the problem and reading these let me know, it’s not just me. I have stated many times that I need to find a local support group for spouses of drug addicts we really be so lost on how to stand our ground sometimes. I have been with my husband for 23yrs and I know my problem is I love him more than I love myself. Sad but true. It’s like his life is on repeat.

  4. Lori & Mekala,
    I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you this, go with your gut! If you know deep down that doing something is not the best thing or may cause you to go backwards then don’t do it and DO NOT let the addict to convince you to do it. This is about you now, your mental health, well-being and not creating the same old patterns. If you want your life to change, then you have to do something different!
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  5. Hi I am in desperate need of help. I am married to an amphetamine addict (meth adderall vyvanse). The first year of our marriage we had no drug issues. We are going on our third now. Our son was born Janurary this year. My husband spent my pregnancy and now almost the first year of our sons life lying and sneaking around with the drugs. It seems he would get caught spend two months clean and it would take me a month to figure he relapsed again. Since our son has been born he relapsed 4 (11months )times. We have been kicked out of homes and finances our out of control. I left and eent to a family members house. My bottom line was for him to get into impatient (since outpatient isnt working). And when I have my stuff together we will see where we are at. He went to detox and is now waiting on a bed for impatient. He has no where to go. So where I need help is.. Since we have a son together and he is waiting for a bed I feel like I am in a battle of giving him our time. He is doing somethings I ask but I dont know if impatient is still an option in his head. How do I stick to my bottom lines. Do I let him do his own thing and do no contact. Or do I support him while he is waiting for a bed for impatient.

  6. I’ve been in a relationship with my addict boyfriend now for 6 years he goes to jail I pay high class attorneys to help him. He get out does good for a month then I throw him out and he always moves in with a crack who’re he’s tearing my life apart. I ask him to take his studs and leave he won’t called cops on him saying he’s using on probation I want him out they won’t help me cause his address is here. Filling. A PFA tomorow again for the 4 time please any advice for me to get through this it’s so hard

  7. Jessica,
    If he is refusing treatment, then there is nothing else you can do. If you continue to “deal” with this then it will just continue to go on. He shouldn’t have a choice if he is living with you, he gets help and maintains the help or he is on his own.

  8. Hi, my husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober for years at a time bit always goes back to drinking. Lately he has been hospitalized twice and arrested for beating down a neighbors screen door due to intoxication. I am the main bread winner and have been asked to move out of my rental because of this. He just lost his job today and is drunk again. We have been together for 23 years, no children. I love him more than anything but this is destroying all aspects of my life. Self employed and keep having to cancel on my clients because I find him drunk and threatening suicide. I can’t go on like this mentally or financially. I don’t know what to do because he’s refusing treatment. His parents have both passed and he has nobody but me. If I leave he will end up dead or in jail. But I can’t do this anymore. I need help and feel hopeless. I don’t know what to do.

  9. yes, you are a co-addict John. and yes you are completely enabling her. she said she won’t quit so unless you want to continue on in a relationship with an addict I would recommend staying away. it sounds like loosing her daughter to drugs was not going to wake her up from using so why would anything else?
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  10. I recently left my girlfriend of 8 years she lost her daughter because she was on drugs and I got her to quit drugs for 6months but she went back on them mainly pot and pain pills.I left because I was pay all the bills while she bought drugs with her money and found myself doing her share of responsibilities I knew I was enabling her to do it.but know I am just sitting here waiting for her to fall apart or hit rock bottom because she said she would never quit and if I didn’t like it to leave.do you think it was the right thing to do .I think I’m co addictive

  11. Kayla & Edmarie,
    You are in the right place. You need to find out what a co-addict is and once you know you will be able to realize what has been going on. It is like you are addicted to the addict, their drama, their well-being and their ups and downs and you are more invested in them than in your own health and well-being. they come first and your health and happiness take a back seat. You can’t help someone sober, you just can’t. They have to want help and do it of their own free will. Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP, author of Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

  12. How do you not be a co addict? What can I do to make this relationship work, and help him but still put myself first?

  13. I have help:
    My husband is now meth, cocaine, opioid free. He completely cut off the drugs and went on a product called cradum tastes very earthy and is a very reasonable price. It has helped him so much and he has little to no with drawl on it, also on the up side you can not get addicted to it, it just asks as a natural substitute for the withdrawal time. Took him 1 month and he was completely off of everything and not his temper is not existent and he is able to live life comfortably. So proud of him and so blessed to have found cradum.

    There are many different types so finding the best strain that works for you is the fun part.

    Enjoy hugs I understand your struggles and if you have any further questions just pm me.

    Bi bi

  14. Michaela,
    If someone is doing drugs, or has drugs in your home, I assume anywhere you can have the police escort them out. You have to do whatever you have to do for you and your son in order for you to find some peace and some distance so you can live a happy and normal life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  15. My issue is I have been with partner for 18 years, around 6 of those years he’s been drinking on and off. We moved from nz to Australia 6 years ago too.
    I’ve always had 2 jobs where he has barely had one. For years he’s been drinking. Lieing, hiding things, stealing.
    unforgivable things.
    My dilemma is he needs to go but he’s got no money, no family or friends, coz we are kiwis, get no government help.
    I would move out if I could but I can’t afford it.
    People don’t realize how hard and expensive it is. We moved last year and it cost me all my savings – $2000.
    The lease is due in April, but I don’t have money to cover 2 weeks rent in advance, removalist or a hire truck etc.
    Its easier if he moved, but don’t know how to get him to go.
    He could maybe go back to NZ, but he’s got no one there to go to.
    Im gonna have a break down again soon as it’s affected our 16 year old son. No relationship there anymore. Been dead and gone for 5 years. They hate each other. Not a good environment to live in. He’s in the critical stage of life. last year of school and I’m not upsetting that.
    Plus I’ve been continually going to the doctor and hospital for the last 3 year’s, doing cancer checks recently. Probably due to the stress I have on me 24/7.
    What do I do??? I told him if he does it again, he can go back to NZ. Well he has, now I gotta somehow go through with it.. or it’ll look like Im not being serious

  16. Beth, You have every right to protect yourself from someone else’s abuse in any way. Just because someone is ill doesn’t mean that you can allow them to hurt you. You can love someone from a distance and not allow them into your life when they are actively using. You have every right not to engage and it is better for you and for him actually to understand That if he is going to contact you he is not allowed to treat you in that respect.


    He probably is high all of the time. If he is stealing from you Then I think is likely to say that he’s just telling you what you want to hear so that he can continue to do that.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  17. My husband keeps stealing from me but insists he’s serious about getting clean. I can’t tell when his high anymore, I always think he’s high. How can I help without fighting with him

  18. I completely identify with non-enabler enabling trait ..
    I’ve left my home several times due to my husbands addictions… fearful of his aggressive rage behavior.
    I always forgive him thinking how could I be so cold to not forgive him .. he has a disease .. until he relapses again .. cycle begins again. I asked him to move out and he did. I’m putting my life back to normal but he recently came to house and was verbally abusive to me because I have been doing things in our house to keep busy .. new drapes ..clearing out closets etc. he was upset at me for “clearing him from house” said he’s never returning
    Is it ok for me to not respond to him when he inevitably calls or texts me ?? Is that inhuman to someone who clearly has a disease ? This part confuses me .. I want to be supportive but don’t want to be a doormat either. Please advise .. ?

  19. Chalice, Golden, Tina, Afair, Mari, Debbie, Dy, Whitney, Dianna,

    If you are at your wits and ready to let go then the key is getting help for you and putting your health and well-being above the addict’s; if you don’t plan to or are not ready to leave you can still do this. You can still start to put your well-being first by letting the addict do what they do while you focus on getting support, speaking with an experienced therapist and doing things that you love again to get out of the negative exchange with the addict. The key is within you, you can change regardless of the status of the addict because as you have learned if they are actively using you never know what to expect and things can change from moment to moment. that is no way to live.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  20. Hi i have been married to my husband for 31 years .Our 3 kids are grown and are moved out now my husband has been clean and sober 8 years then had back issues then got hook on pain pills then got in got weened off by doctor then applied for social security for 2 years after waiting got denied so had to go back to work slowly he started drinking hard cider i knew he was starting the addict behavior again so one nite he stopped at a bar and drank so much he fell hit his head went to Er off work for 2 weeks then went back told him needs to go to councling he said he would but he still continue to have the 3 ciders after work hes going to be 56 it just so tough to say ok iam leaving any suggestions would be great thank you and God Bless Dianna

  21. I am a co-addict. I do everything on the list. I have made the decision to stop. I am just looking for some support along the way. I am tired of putting my husband first when I am not even on his list of priorities. I am ready to do this.

  22. I have recently put a restrain order on my husband bc he was cyber harassing me on Facebook. He’s been drinking for 10 years I have two kids. 5 and 6. We have seen punch walls, in and out of house, hospitalization at least once a year. Detoxed every few months on and off. Ruins every holiday and vacation. Only can stay sober 2-3 months. Has also been diagnose bipolar and add.
    Still in denial of that. He still runs his business and no dui.
    He did move out and kngwts kids two half days . Can’t get anymore parenting time until proves sobieriety .
    He still has made appointment and feels he has no alcohol problem that it was just me. He’s been rehab twice checked himself out after detox twice. Everytime he detoxes its bc we even left or he ends up hospital or I call police. Then he gets his self together going counseling and doing what he’s suppose to do. Then it slowly we start noticing back to old habits – isolating , hiding bottles, not getting out of bed and not showing up kids events. Usually excuses are tired , busy, work. When drinking gets really bad he gets paranoid – I’m cheating and everyone is telling him this. Then he’s in my phone and buying gps. Then all day he’s going on tangents verbally abusing in front of kids.
    It’s a shame when sober a nice kind hearted guy , bending over backward for you but he feels it’s not good enough and he doesn’t matter.
    Now it’s been nice and peaceful in the house I bring kids around to keep the peace. But now I’m thinking I shouldn’t bc he has no motivation get help

  23. I was with a man 2 years and as far as his 3 wives he done drugs and shot up all the time . When he got with me , He completely changed . Everyone said so . He said he wanted to marry me and was so in luv with me and never loved anyone like he loved me . Well he was living with me at my dads house for a year and he acted restless, Plus I found out he was mess othrr woman . After my sister and dad said he had to leave . BEVAUSE he didn’t want to stay at his moms at all . But I heard he was cheating on me with several woman . 3 months ago after him acting like he wanted to move to get a job and take care of me cause I’m very. Very sick , AND ALL MY CRDIT CARDS WERE MAXED OUT ABD OVER 15,009 I n debt . In order to come home as sick as I am I couldn’t see him . WELL WE MSG EACH OTHER FOR A WERK AND HE SAUD HE WOYKD COME DOR ME AND MARRY ME . Well I get the last msg saying I’m moving someone and I’ll msg u bavk sook . And telling me I love u forever and ever . Well I end up finding out he moves in with a woman I know that does drugs hersekf and had a place for him to stay and food to eat a roof over his head and she worked and took care of him because he’s to lazy to work . I thought we were still together .. I never seen him hear doing any drugs all that year EVEB WHEB he went home he did some bit he was a fat like man . But he told ppl please don’t tell Debbie where I am . Well I found out of course. He could have msg me as scared as I was thinking he could have been dead snitching b-4 I knew where he was . . He never never bothered as sick as I am to msg me or check on me till about a couple months later that woman he was living with at her work was taking money from them and cops handcuffed her and took her to jail . Well she got out on a 10% bond out of a $50,000 one & in the mean time was at his moms for a week and sleeping with the sane one he cheated on with me before . But he has a friend he was staying with a man that’s a meth head and the whole trailer park is . HE MSGS ME AFTER ALL THAT HE DONE AND TALKES ME INTO PICKING HIM UP TO SEE HIM WELL I DId . And him telling me how much he was in luv with me and acted like I didn’t want him turning it around n me . I SAID DONT U DARE . ANYWATS life he a fool I made luv to him. I take him m to that trailer park and he says to msg him WHEB I get home . I do and he doesn’t msg me for 2 days . He was at another woman’s house . Plus he’d been sleeping with a girl at the trailer park cause I show up to see him and tell him that we can leave and I can help him that’s all he said he wanted and he wasn’t there . Well th woman he lived with got out of jail on bond , and went to find him at that trailervwith that girl he was sleeping with . Plus after I seen him that day and he msg me several times and saying therecall LYIMG because that woman he lived with was there that night and she said he begged her to come back . I said he don’t love you he’s using u for DRIGS , A place to live and sex and food that’s it . Well I find out after him promise I’m me so much that he wouldn’t go back to get well he’s there again and again he hasn’t once msg me ??. I was willling to leave with him and take care of him and get him off that meth like he said he wanted to and I’m so stupid ., HE LOOKS AWEFUL HES GOING TO DIE FIR SURE AND I CANT TAKE THAT ??? ., ONE THING I REALLY WANT TO KNOW .is . BEFORE HE GOT ON METH LIKE THIS AND WAS WITH ME AND SAID HE WAS IN LUV WOTH ME AND WANTED TO MARRY ME AND US B TOGETHER FOR EVER AND EVER , Do u think he was lying to me ?? DO U THONK HE LUVS THIS METH HEAD WOMAN ??? She’s going to go to jail or prison over fraud and he finds any woman that does drugs or has money so he don’t have to do nothings but stay high . Pleas e can u tell me if he did mean what he said to me before . And still does , bit the meth is his love and that’s all. He carrs about ? Thank you ???

  24. This talks a lot about family and having the family as in the mother the Father the brother the sister type situation my situation is completely different the whole family is in on it and I’m in love with the daughter her mother supplies the drugs for her and they constantly lie to me but I can’t seem to move away or get away I really feel do I am a CO addict for sure I would just like some help on how to cope and how to move forward from here because I don’t want to enable her anymore

  25. I’m in a relationship with a drugs addicted. I have been in this relationship for eight years. I never been on drugs never nor use drugs. I ask myself why I’m still with this person. My biggest fear is that he bring drugs into my house. I affaid that one day the police is going to follow him and arrest him. Please need help

  26. Just so I understand clearly, what I’m reading pretty much states that if I don’t just take my kids & leave then that alone makes me an enabler & co-addict?

  27. I am a co-addict. This is the first time I am admitting it to myself as I’ve never known there was a term for it. I love my partner with all my heart and I’m trying to realise I can’t force him to stop using meth. I have moved out with our kids and have been really struggling on my own. Im continuing to do the things I need to do daily, work, kids, cook, clean, shower. I’m trying to keep myself busy but I find myself slipping into depression. Worrying about him, hoping he’s not with another woman. Hoping he’s ok. I’ve cut contact but I just want to hear his voice. I miss the man I fell in love with and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m living in a town where I have no family or friends. He was all I had. He hasn’t even bothered to contact me and try fix it this time so I guess I just have to be strong and stop enabling him if he does make contact. Any advice on where to from here?

  28. I just caught my boyfriend of 9 months in my shower with meth. I have been ignoring the signs and he says he wants to get better but I don’t think I can be the one to help. I want to break it off but I am afraid he will tank. I am the only one who knows. He is a highly functioning daily meth addict who knows how to cover it up.

  29. Jennifer,Kelly & Heather,

    That’s just it, being a co-addict letting go of the person we are enabling can be like being an addict trying to stop using. If that is the case and an addict needs a recovery process to help them change, then why would it be different for you? You can’t expect to just change what you have been doing and what you have grown used to without help or overnight. It is not easy to do what you know deep down must be done. You have to be ready to make this change.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  30. I need to stay strong to leave my drug addicted husband who I did love with all my heart. However, he has went so far he altered his pay stubs. I am a mess. I don’t do drugs.

  31. About one year ago my husband of 15 years began going to the bar everynight and staying out until 230am. In this past year he has changed so much. He no longer helps around the house, he has nothing to do with our 6 children unless he’s yelling at them, he’s picked up a cocaine habit, and he hasn’t given me a dime since October. I’ve been struggling to alternate paying bills because I don’t make enough to cover all of them. Now our house is in foreclosure and he just continues to do what he does. He acts nice towards me like everything is just fine. If I try to talk to him about it he either gets super mad or he says the same old same “I’m sorry, I’ll do better.” I cry everyday. I don’t know what to do. He has become a stranger to me. I don’t even see a glimpse of the wonderful man I married. I want to tell him to leave, but then I don’t. I’m just so hurt.

  32. Thanks for your reply. Reading it you are not telling me anything that I don’t already know. I do love him and want so much for him to be “better”…. I guess it’s just down to me having the strength to take the next step. I know that I need to stop enabling and let him go. Just trying to find the strength to do what I know needs to be done. I guess being a co-addict is just as hard to control as being an addict.

  33. Jennifer,
    Yes. Your healing and recovery from enabling him and his addiction recovery have to be for yourselves and not each other. You have to get help and you can’t make him, he is an addict, it will only get worse in time or over time. If you want me to tell you this will work if you just tell him to change and he gets help at your request, you are in the wrong place and anyone who tells you that is the one in a very few situations.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  34. Lorrie and Mika,
    This person has literally broken every vow and ounce of respect you should have a person you love. How much more of this blame should you take? How much do you love yourself… not enough. I know I have been in your shoes, covering for, accepting and living for my addict. You have both lost who you are and you suffer, your family suffers. Please read Hope Street, I wrote it so you can have hope and you should. You are worth it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  35. Z.M.

    If you want my honest opinion you are a co-addict and I know only because I was one. You live your life dictated by his behavior and moods and support him, that is by definition co-addiction. Leave him, don’t go back and move on with your life, you have been living this way for so long you don’t even know what it is to be happy. You are afraid but isn’t living this way with him actually your worst fear come true? Move on and focus on self-healing.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  36. Over the past while I have been researching as much as I can about addicton and Co addicton. I know I am definitely an enabler. Reading through so many articles etc I have so many similarties with many of these stories. Although every story is unique. I know I am probably just looking for that ONE story that will tell me that our marriage can survive (ignoring the many stories telling me it cant). I met my husband when I was 17. We have been married for almost 13 years together for 18. We have 3 amazing children (10, 6 and 8 months). I’m not lying when I say a lot of the time we have a great life together. We are happy and have a great relationship MOST of the time. I work full time (although I’m currently on maternity leave) and my hubby is a stay at home daddy. It works for us. But the fact that I’m looking for answers is enough to tell me that I need to change. My husband is an alcoholic who is on tablets to help with his addiction. He has attended the addiction team and has received coucnilling (he is able to lift the phone and return to this when needed). My issue is now that he “likes” to smoke drugs. He is an amazing partner and father until he smokes. As soon as he has had a a smoke I can see the change. He changes completely and then feels the urge to keep smoking. It can take some few days to keep him of it and then within a few weeks he smokes again . We have argued a lot over this lately and he agrees he shouldnt be smoking. We live in an area where others think it is normal to get stoned everyday. It’s makes it very easy for him to do. I don’t drink at all to support him against the alcohol. I don’t smoke either. But now I feel he has replaced his drink addicton with the smoke. I have been on with his doctor etc who have been giving me advice on how he needs to deal with this as it is a “different type” of addiction. I know that he needs to reach the decision to stay of it himself and he tells me he does want to. I still can’t get away from the way of thinking – if I leave him to fight it himself he will fail.. then there is no going back and I will never be with him again… and my kids will lose out on the amazing father he is… people may think that he is only having a wee smoke but I know through the experience of dealing with his drinking (which was far from easy and will never be fully gone) that it will only lead to more and more problems and issues. I don’t want to go through everything again. I know u cant make the decision for me and I’m probably just in denial… but to me I’m still undecided as on 1 hand I feel together we have him sober and in a good place were drink is concerned so we should fight this “new addicton” together (both my family and his family are great support) but on the other hand I feel that it’s just the same fight and me and the children deserve a life without these complications…… i suppose I just want to believe that and addict and Co addict can have a good life together were the ugly addiction only raises it’s head on the very rare occasion and doesn’t destroy an otherwise happy home… addicts will always be addicts and will never be free. Can they ever have a happy home life with someone like me who is a co addict?? Do we need to be appart for us both to work on ourselves in order for the marriage to have a chance?

  37. I know your post is years back but I hope someone can reply to me. Reading your article, I believe I can tick every single one and say yep, that’s me. My husband has been an ice addict for 3 yrs now. He says he wants to get off but he’ll do it his way without professional help and in order to do that I would need to help him. But his way of thinking about this has turned life into chaos- i can’t get mad when he uses money for drugs coz he has a plan to wean his consumption and pay for drugs less & less & if I interrupt it or not support this goal im not helping, he needs to stress less about everything else- but this has meant I do EVERY CHORE in the house, do EVERYTHING for the kids and work full time. Not that he has literally said he doesn’t want to help at home, but I’ve just found it in myself to do those things so that he doesn’t have to “stress” about it coz that’s what he’s said he needs, is less stress. I’ve also covered up his image or the change in him if people suspect anything- in fact, he expects me to actually put my hand up for any blame or any mess ups he’s done just so he doesn’t look bad in front of friends & family. He also makes me feel guilty if at any time I might put my foot down or set boundaries for his behavior. For eg if we’re fighting & the kids are around he’ll be verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, sometimes be banging doors or putting his fist up to walls of our house, but he says because I’m fighting him in front of the kids I don’t care about anyone but myself, I’m selfish. I know its wrong but what about recognising his behaviour? If i approach him about my concerns, anger, stress or sadness he says that it’s nothing compared to what he’s going through so I should just suck it up n stop thinking bout myself. He’s done a lot of inexcusable behaviour like cheat on me multiple times, but blames it on me coz he was in such a bad place emotionally with the addiction that he said i never helped him so in the end, i owned up to the fact that his cheating was my fault. Then he did it another 3 times after. When his aggressive behaviour gets bad he’ll say I’m the devil, I’m the one putting him in a deeper hole, I purposely do all this bad stuff to him coz I want the kids to see him like that so they turn on him. He’s very wrong. That’s why I think I haven’t left him yet coz the kids see him as this brilliant person and I just can’t separate that.
    Someone get my family out of this hole! Where to start! If I leave him I know his life is over, but if I stay is thus even a life I want for us?

  38. This February 14 2017 i woke up to a women screaming my husband went and picked up a prostituted brought her back to my home she performed sexual acts on him then he pulled a knife on her she then grabbed his knife and stabbed him with it in the thigh police arrived took her to jail and him to the hosputal as a victim for being stabbed they were both on drugs .he came for his truck next day and i was in court asking for restraining order he took the truck and i never seen him again im so devastated 5 month ago i woke up early morning my car was gone andmy 80 dollars he was gone 5 days then came back saying he was scared because he thought he has cancer i took him to tje hosptial theyran many test nothing was wrong he lied to get back in the house now this valentine day he did this.

  39. Hi, my husband was a cannabis addict for the pas 15 years. Lately he stopped working for the past 7 years and stays out all night till morning smoking cannabis. He has anger and temper issues. He lacks motivation, always depressed feel pessimistic and unsatisfied about his life. He blames me because his not satisfied with his life with me and this is his excuse for leaving home all night and sleeping all day. I confronted him about his cannabis abuse he promised several times to quit but it just a matter of time until I smell the drug in his clothes or I see it in his wallet. I don’t trust him anymore I know he loves cannabis and he admits it. He never admits that he an addict he always tells me that he can control this habit. Lately when I filed a divorced he told me that he quit smoking cannabis totally and that he is up to fresh start. Unfortunately, he did this several times before, and eventhough I can see changes in his behavior, I don’t trust him. I am angry at him for putting me to hell all the past years due to his addiction, mood swings, anger issues, lack of respect and not working. It has been 7 years I spend all my pay check to support my family. As I said I filed for divorce and when he changed he told me I am not changing because of you but because he wants to change. But I don’t believe him. He has not control on his temper and I know he has no strong will and he refuses therapy as he denies that he is not an addict. Next week I have a decision to take, either to complete with the divorce procedure or believe him that he really changed this time. But I feel tremendous fear and I feel not in control of my life because I can not change him and he can decide anytime to go back to his addiction and it’s then that I would feel devastated and betrayed myself. I can’t live in fear I hate this feeling. What makes me partly wish to believe him that he always says I love you, but he never shows in in actions. My life with him was mostly troubled interrupted with short periods of happiness that never lasted. I have no sense of security as he doesn’t work he is 47 years old and he is a doctor. But he refuses to practice. For the past 7 years I have been working taking care of the house the kids and he slept all day, stayed late all night with friends smoking cannabis or playing games. Many months would pass without having sex, when I get upset of his behavior he just give the silent treatment. Since the beginning of our marriage he never tried intentionally to fix problems between us. He just ignored them and they pilled inside me until I reached so many time the point of explosion. I suffered for several years constant anger that I had to go see a psychiatrist and tried since then to cope with my anger issues. Still, I read lately and on our website that I might suffer from co-addict behavior. I think from what I read that I am enabling my husband to do what he does and I have not been firm enough to show my stand. Even though we divorced once for a year and when he changed a got a job and fixed many bad things in his life we just got married once again and after few months he returned back to his old habits worse that before. Sometimes I fear that I might get sick from all that stress and he is not a person with whom you can talk easily and discuss things reasonably. I really wish to find closure to all this hell and like I said I have to take a decision whether to leave him for good or stay and wait to see if he is sincere this time or not.
    I appreciate your advice and thank you in advance for your time and care.


  40. Jodi and Georgia,

    When the addict spirals out of control we tend to follow along because we are so dependent on the person for our happiness. I define this as Co-addiction because after a certain point of trying to help somebody help themselves we start to put their life and their needs above our own to the point where we lose ourselves completely. Right now you are both lost and the only way out of this is to get back your identity and recover whether or not the addict does. The change needs to occur in order for the situation to change, if you are truly done with living this way then you have to commit to working on yourself and letting the addict be responsible For his own actions without you there. The key to all of this is that you can’t change somebody who doesn’t want to change but if you are not happy you can do something about it, in fact you were the only one who can do something about it.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  41. Every question describes me 100%. After finding out about my husbands 5 year addiction, I joined Him and now I’m spiraling down a black hole where I see no light. I’m consumed by everything he is doing and thinking. I’m scared to death to be alone. I love him but I can see that he has no vision of our future and doesn’t share my desire to be active in my kids lives.
    I’m desperate but feel like I’m stuck in cement .

  42. My husband has smoked weed for over 26 yrs he smoke from time he wakes up till he goes to bed and when he dont have it he becomes angry and anxious and takes it out on me I have ask him to quit but he becomes anger so i just let it pass. tonight he didnt have weed so he drank a whole bottle rum and that was worse. the only thing that i am denal about it we met at 14 an 15 34 yrs married he has mental illness and i am scared i feel he can do what he what because he cheated and talked to alot of women on fb i am a good person but i lost my job because i just lost control of me and broke down i am so tired i dont know what to do. i feel like if he dont stop we will always have nothing he smokes cigars and he takes every penny i have for those and weed and anything else to get high..i have tried to leave alot of times but he follows me and drives me crazy i just come back it is easier sometimes. i had cancer in 2014 and i have some medical problems but over all i feel good and i want to live and be free and love life and be happy. we also lost our daughter and .unborn grandson in 2007 and she was my life so i am battle grief and trying to provide for a man who has hardly ever worked but always first thing out of my check or his disability is weed.. what should i do any advice i know i would have to o far far away now we are being kicked out of our apt again. i am 51 and am tired really tired help please. thank you Jodie 🙂

  43. Karen,
    Go with your gut on this one. Smoking pot is not what an addict in recovery should do. Every person and situation is different but for one thing, if you are an addict, you should never use drugs again. If you think he is using, he is. It is as simple as that. I am talking from 18 years of experience with addicts. You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to “prove” he is using when all you need to do is look at him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  44. Hi I have been with my partner for 6years now. When we met he was on a methadone programme to come off herion which he has succeed. My problem is that he still uses cannabis twice a week to help him sleep. But on odd occasion he stays up all night long saying its toothach which is keeping him up. I have been threw therapy with him and supported him on his methadone programme which is now ended.i do believe he wont ever use herion again but as for valium or other drugs im not sure about.
    With his sleep pattern being a mess it makes me wounder if he is abusing some sort of drug
    Which he strongly denies. I am very antidrugs and would split uo with him if I had proif he was abusing drugs. I work full time and have family commitments.He does not work. Thanks

  45. Janine,
    Ivana has a good point. The answer you are looking for is within you. You and only you have the power to turn this around. You have to do something that will get you to a place where you are no longer co-dependent on his addiction and his ups and downs. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel mental? This is something that you obviously don’t deserve but if you don’t leave or stop enabling him then you can’t blame anyone else. I understand, I did this for 12 years before I had enough.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  46. Hello, hoping this site is still active. My boyfriend of 3 years has been addicted to drugs. You name it hes used it. I grew up in a strict family and was not ever aware of what the drug world was like i just knew to stay away. My bf has done heroin, pain pills including methadone and oxys…ive seen him smoke crack and do cocaine. He was raised in an abusive childhood which i understand but think its still a poor excuse to justify his behavior. Ive stopped my life to take him rehab to rehab. Ive given him so much money and have lost so much in the process. Ive dealt with lies, manipulation and i believe some sort of narcissism. I love him so much but just kicked him out. I shut off his phone and packed all his clothing. He is homeless living in a tent in the woods now. He barley has food…i carry so much guilt like this is my fault even tho i know it is not. Even as far as earing something i feel guilt because i know hes without..but then i think…was he thinking of me when he spent his whole paycheck on coke? I have so many mixed emotions…hes now on suboxone yet mixes other drugs he can get his hands on. I dont feel detox or inpatient will work for him seeing a lot of the people that are there are court ordered…they are basically drug dealers who can get him his next fix when he is to get out. They HAVE to be there and most of the time they get out and have “the connections” per say. My bf can have anyone believe anything uve never seen anything like it. Me…i can read him like a book yet he still manages to play me. Im a cancer survivor and was given a second chance at life and this is NOT good stress for me but my heart aches for him. Im def a co addict…i feel mental half the time. Please guide me somewhere…

    1. Hi Janine. I believe that instead of thinking of ways you can fund his next rehab and save him, you can start to take care of yourself more. You can find a psychologist or a counselor near you and go for a visit. You need a change in perspective and should stop feeling guilty. Addicts can only be helped if they want to.

  47. Theresa,
    I understand you love him but you need to realize that you cannot have a real or healthy relationship with an addict. You can’t expect anything to be normal, especially the sex. If he is on Meth and using other drugs and leaves you alone all weekend and uses you for money, what exactly is it you are looking to salvage? Addicts can have periods of normalcy and care but it will always come down to the drugs first. I would be less concerned about how to have sex with him and more concerned with the fact that after everything you know he does that you still want to.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  48. Kelly,
    This is not your journey, it is his and you and your children should not have to suffer for his addiciton. I am sure you have done it all and been through it all but now it is time for you to get your life back. Do not feel guilt, he is the reason you are leaving and the reason he is in this situation, not you. You need to let go and move on and stop enabling him and start focusing on you. I hope you get to do that and I hope I can help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  49. I met a man 16 years my junior just after leaving my husband last year. My husband and I had a reasonably good relationship but out of boredom we gambled and it was our addiction. I come from a family where mum was an alcoholic and my brother a drug addict. Therefore I know I’m prone to attract and be attracted to people with addictions. When I first met the new man I knew he had taken speed that night and as someone who has dabbled over the years I didn’t judge. Over the first week we really connected and hit it off. He was funny, interesting, passionate and we spoke about everything. We went out for a drink one night, at that point I just thought we would be great mates. After talking for hours and being open and honest about lots of things we ended up kissing and then going home with each other. We then spoke about being monogamous and so forth and things went pretty quickly. At that point I didn’t know he was a pot addict. That bit didn’t come up for another couple of weeks and by then I was hooked and found spending time with him great fun, we communicated and talked in ways I had never done with my husband. Both our situations actually meant we didn’t have a place to really stay over as he moved back in with his mum and I was sharing a flat with a friend whilst I was looking for a new place. We spent a night in a hotel and that was the night he admitted to me he smoked a lot of weed. It was a great night, but I note he had to be stoned before we actually got intimate. Even though the night was great I sensed a difference from the first time we “hooked” up.
    Since that night a lot of things have happened, one main thing being that his mum’s best friend who was like a second mum to him died just after Christmas. Over the Christmas/New Year period he went through a bad patch and pulled away from me, even though we were in constant contact via text message and called me right on midnight on NYE, we didn’t actually physically see each other for a couple of weeks. It then got to a point where he reached out to me and said that he was in a very bad way and if I didn’t hear from him to bang down the door! In this time I had figured we were no longer “together” and I got with another man, which I owned up to him, he was very upset but understood given he had pulled away from me. I had since day 1 told him about a man I am in love with and that right now that man and I wouldn’t be together due to me only just leaving my husband and he is going through custody battle. As time went on after the Christmas thing he started to ask me about the other man and then started wanting to be back with me and be monogamous again. Interesting part about that was we weren’t actually having sex, due to his drug abuse he struggled with this. I agreed to keep the peace, however ended up sleeping with the other man anyway. I had a lot of guilt for a while. I owned up to kissing him but figured he didn’t need to know how far it went.
    Since this happened in January, I have had a mental breakdown, left my job and been to hell and back. He has been supportive and stayed by my side for 2 weeks whilst I was at rock bottom. Then it all hit, he was caring for me and caring for his mum and he crashed. At this point he started to hit the dope harder and I’ve seen a massive change in his personality and I know he lies to me and deceives /manipulates me into helping him to pay for his drugs or drive him there etc. I am eyes wide open to it and realise I’m being an enabler, yet I keep doing it because all up I love him. He is pretty honest about his drug use and sometimes brutally so, and in some way that part I appreciate. However I am getting sick of him being so unreliable and spending Saturday nights alone because I made no plans as he and I were going to do something together. I told him yesterday that this needs to change . I know he parties on the weekends and doesn’t really like to do it round me as I don’t do it etc. I even know he often just does it at home alone and will just go with the buzz by listening to music and going with the feeling by himself. At other times he goes over to friends houses and parties with them all night.
    On one hand he is the sweetest person who cares for me, i.e. last week before I started my new job I was really sick and even though his place is cramped he had me stay over so he could take care of me and he did, even stroking my hair whilst I vomitted. Then on my first week of work he was so excited for me and we caught up each night to talk about my day etc. But when it comes to the weekends I am second to the drugs and the people he does the drugs with.
    I’m at my wits end, we continually have conversations about how he can’t be my boyfriend as he wants to be the provider but he loves me and we are committed to each other and who knows what will happen in time, then the next thing he is telling me he loves me so much etc. Tells me not to fall in love with him, well that I can handle, he gets that falling in love with a drug addict is bad and I appreciate his honesty.
    Having spent my life around addicts I see the lying side to him and the manipulation, but having spent time in AlAnon over the years I see things in him that are unique in a drug addict, he has a lot of empathy, when he really commits to something with me and promises then he does come through. But right now after another Saturday night in alone I am over it. The fact he calls me and texts me every night to say good night, it’s not enough, yet I don’t want to let him go.
    I have loaned him money at times and surprisingly he has setup direct debit and I get money from him every fortnight to pay it back. But it’s the little bits when he needs $30 for dope or has no food, even though we only eat a toastie or cheaply make dinner I am the one paying… I have just taken a pay cut with my new job and he knows it , therefore I have decided that from today I am going to say I have no money. He knows I have a massive debt left over from my marriage due to the gambling and I have a seperate buffer from a payout that I’m hanging on to. My new lie to him (I don’t feel so bad given he lies all the time) is that I have put my buffer in to a term deposit and can’t access it and have only enough for my petrol/food and basic living Will be interesting to see if he still wants me in my life!

    The other thing I would like to know if others have experienced is the disappearance of sex from our relationship, it has been a month now and I know it’s 2 fold, he is getting pains in his groin that he is really worried about and going to the dr tomorrow but I have also seen that since he has been doing Meth again on weekends that he has no drive what so ever, we talk about it and he wants to fix it and thinks it’s the pain etc. but when he is coming down he also admits that the drugs also contribute. Has this happened to anyone else? I’m just getting tired of it all. How can it be a monogamous relationship with no sex!

  50. Hi been in relationship for 12 yrs, my b/f as always enjoyed a night out on drink. But over the last 2 years I started to notice a big change, he became verbally aggressive, and stopped going out, he started to spend a lot of time hidden away in our bedroom, he didn’t pay attention to our 6 ur old daughter any more, couldn’t sleep. Any way I found out from he that he had been taking cocaine in last 2 years and had a alcohol dependency aswel. At 1st he said it was because his dad died wen he was 5, (through being an alcoholic) and that his mum didn’t really care about him. I stood by him got him 2 docs and and got him into a first steps place, 2 help with his addictions. He stopped going, it came to a point where I had 2 call an ambulance because he kept on telling me he had taken an overdose and felt funny, he was shaking with chest pains, the docs at hos, referred him once again, 2 the drug unit 2 help him over come it, lasted about 1. Now his accusing me of aving affairs, that I don’t love him, he says I’m not helping him with his addiction that I cause him to drink, he hides cans all over the flat, sometimes he will spend all night getting out of his nut in the his car drinking taking cocaine, his never got any money, his always got an excuse as to where all his wages have gone, his fones been cut of none of the bills are being paid. I just don’t know what to do, his totally changed his aggressive 1 min, then wants sex the next, and because I don’t he starts on me again for having affair. His always crying that he wants 2 die. I feel trapped as I do love him, I want him to leave the family home, but he has no money to rent , no friends any more as his cut them all off, and he has no family. I’m scared il get a call that his dead in his car through alcohol and cocaine intake,then iv got to live with the fact that I put him on the streets, 2 kill himself…. But at the same time I can’t have it around the kids and myself no more but I just feel so guilty

  51. Dawn and Colleen,
    This is about your self-esteem and the lack of ability for you to provide yourself with what you need instead of looking to someone else to give it to you. You don’t need to be in an abusive relationship and you don’t want to but you keep going back. Why? Because you are not in a place emotionally and/or mentally to be independent. You are defining your self-worth through this man and until you change that, you won’t ever break those feelings. You have to transcend to a very different level to be able to let go of this person and focus on yourself, but you first have to figure out what it is about this person that you can’t let go of. Do you have fears of abandonement, was a parent or family member a drug abuser, are you trying to save this person or deflect your own issues by being so invested in his life instead of your own? Believe me, I have been there and until I was forced to shine the spotlight on myself, nothing was going to change. I thank God every day that I had the opportunity to change and be who I am today.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  52. I sent a message just a few minutes ago don’t know if you got it my doctor says I am an enabler I think I am a Co addict nobody will help me he won’t go to counseling police have been involved we went to jail I got charges overturned for me he is still doing it he gets drunk and beats me up and says I caused it or deserved it every time I try to talk to someone they listen and then won’t talk to me again my family won’t talk to me

  53. I am and i need help desperately. Ive lost my children my integrity everything I own and i left but i still want him back and i dont understand why. When he was clean, he was so good but when he used he was physically, sexually and mentally abusive. Any help would be appreciated

  54. I am certain I am and have been a co-addict ( the non enabling enabler( denial kind) would describe my behavior to a T up until recently. Mostly fueled by finacial dependancy I have stayed with my addict trying to find a way to leave him for him, me and our dependants …to only suffer the endless cycle of guilt and shame
    I think it is noteworthy that there has been a sudden shift in progress in our relationships and his behavior has gone from victim mentality ( blaming me) to more cooperative and more supportive

    It all started when my pain exceeded my fear and stubbornness to change and I finally decided to really follow and apply a condependant recovery plan to -gain the finacial independance and self esteem I needed to leave -the loop was always feeling depaerate and trapped while having this huge desire and need to leave immediately -rather then following a step by step process to get there. Once I decided I was going to be ok where I was no matter what he was or was not doing while i working my way to finacial independance ….I saw him start to change too.
    He has been struggling to get back to total abstinence after a relapse a few months back and has been out of work for almost 2 months we were getting father and farher behind and after careful thought and much consideration I allowed a client to help me out with a cash advance to pay our rent when threatened with yet anorher eviction. We decided my sons stability while finishing his last year of high school was more important then the pattern of rescuing my husband financially and
    Since he pursued and followed through on collecting unemployment benefits hopefully arriving soon secured a new job ( got hired back actually from an old company prior to his addition) passed a drug test and continued to work his 12 step program I wasn’t the same kind of rescuing?????
    My concern is that there have been some frequent slips and use of briidgeing between norco and use of opioid treatments to stay off of or detox from the norco) but I realize that my addiction is the only one I can control and as soon as I stopped blaming him for all our finacial problems -he stopped blaming me for his addiction- i felt entitled for so long that it needed to be the other way around -until I realized how much that entitlement was hurting me but
    I had to stop the mind set completely even in my thoughts because they constantly showed on my face -or in my voice -I knew it would take a total attitude adjustment and more accountability with what I was responsible for.
    So I forgave him and forgave me for not being what I wanted us to be

    He starts his new job tomorrow and is completely ok and willing take 2 busses to get there since his car got repossessed
    I held strong and did not help him get cought up on his back payments in any way including letting him pay less of our other bills
    nor will I drive him to and from work ( which is tough for me) but I’m doing good and know that it’s for his higher good too!
    I am trying my best to not enable him in any way other then the fact that I continue to stay even through constant slips and allow him to stay fearful that if he had to pay rent anywhere else the chance of getting enough money to keep this place for me my son and dog would be Slim to none ( and it’s not much believe me) but after losing 6 homes in 5 years I’m just happy to have a roof and to be able to afford half of it -he is home every day and helps out in the house attends meetings -so -so far so good -only 5 more moths till our youngest graduates
    Then more options open for me so in the mean time
    I try to be more encouraging and grateful, notice his efforts of cooperation- he went form an over cooperative condependant to an under cooperative one when in full blown active addiction to now actually havig some balance ( as soon as I shifted my attitude) I have learned to be ok with messes and that his
    Progress and process is his own to follow I won’t do more then my fair share in the house or other ((accept for the recent loan) and will be paying my self back and then her when those funds come in.
    I notice when my thoughts are on him rather then me and try to shift them back asap and I am finding more creative ways to expand my business and income that I didn’t see before ( of course not-how could I when I was constantly obsessiing on him) then blaming him for my finacial dependance.
    I am grateful for what I have now and its getting easier to change and as a result I feel a lot better about me -one step one day at a time.

  55. Veronica,
    That has to be your choice. You have to make the decision to leave and then take the steps needed to get through that process. If this is an ongoing issue and he continues to relapse, then I would consider some time apart, at least, for you to heal and gain some perspective and him to be able to focus on his recovery. The decision is yours but I can help either way.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  56. I’m in love with an addict. He’s such a good man when he doesn’t use but in the past year he has been in rehab twice and relapsed three times. He’s currently in rehab for the second time and I’m trying to find the strength to pack his things so he could leave. I’m so torn about if I should support him or let him go.

  57. Susan,
    You cannot help him. He has to help himself and I think it is in your best interest to focus on you right now and your baby. I wish I could say that there was something you could do to help but there really is not, but you can help yourself and by focusing on you, you will allow him to take his addiction where it needs to go. He has to hit rock bottom and come to the realization on his own and as co-addicts, we end up enabling them. I hope you find the support you need to get you through this so that you can find peace brining your child into this world.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  58. What to do when a addict person when taking medicine as doctor prescribed then start body sheever after two or three months need suggestions.

  59. I am 21 years old, in the military and nowa co-addict. I’ve helped this man out over and over again to the point I’m in debt, fighting to get out. Well on thanksgiving I found out I’m pregnant and I tell him. He’s home then leaves again. I don’t know what to do to cope with the realization of being a single first time mother or how I will explain this to our child. I still love him but I don’t know how to help him or if I even need to anymore. His family is angry at him over choosing that life over the bright future we could’ve had together.

  60. Terri,
    You are already on the vicious cycle unfortunately. It is your choice if you get off but I can assure you the road ahead will not be an easy one. Please read all of the other articles I have here by clicking on my name at the top or bottom of this article. I have been where you are with a child and all of us here are either on or leaving the cycle. Get educated on addiction and enabling (co-addiction) because you need to know what you are dealing with. My book, Hope Street, will help you really feel understood because all of your feelings are completely normal.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  61. I met my husband 2 years ago. We just married 6 months ago. He immediately told he he’d just gotten out of federal prison on drug and conspiracy to drug charges. I was very hesitant in the beginning but as I tried picking him apart for almost a year found he was perfect. Then it happened, his best friend got out of prison on the same charges. He slowly started running with his old crowd. It’s been a year now and he has used at least twice to my knowledge. Meth is his drug of choice. He once told me not to get worried about his past because it will eat me alive, it has. When he leaves to go to his friends I worry. The past three months he has been staying out all night, not coming home till 4-5 am. Not everyday because he work, but a few times a week. I’ve started accusing him of the drug scene, I have met his “friends”. I chose not to go around them. I have even started to investigate, looking at his text messages, pictures, looking for drug paraphalia around the house etc. then if I find anything I start to accuse. This is not the life he gave me for a year and a half. Now I have to live with it daily. Friday night he used again. He told me that I cause it by poking the bear. I feel I did by accusing him. He said if he is going to be accused he might as well do it. I’m so sad because I’ve lost my best friend, we used to do everything together. But since his friend got out of prison it hasn’t been the same for us. I’ve slowly watched us fade away. I pay 90% of the household bills, while he uses his money for non sense. Credit cards racked to $10,000 I don’t know how. They are his, I don’t see the statements. I love him so much, can’t bear the thought of not having him in my life. I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous marriage. This is my third marriage. This weekend I spent crying myself sick, begging and pleading for him to change. Writing him a letter of what his hanging out with friend is doing to us.. It was after all the crying he told me he used Friday night…I was heartbroken. So I decided to start making things better for him, telling him how much I love him. He told me he is done. Today he has been very sick, throwing up and very regretful and angry at himself for going this again. He told me he was done, but how will I know. I feel like I’m enabling him by making him comfortable. I want him to be done, but all my reading tells me this is a vicious cycle. It will happen again. I don’t understand how you can be clean for the 9 years you were in prison, just to start that road to hell again. I’m really scared because I love him and don’t want to lose him, but also don’t want to continue the circle. Where do I start helping him and me as well?

  62. Dawn,
    A few weeks of sobriety is not a recovered addict. I think that you should allow him to deal with his addiction on his own. I feel you have been through too much and sometimes you cannot go back and certainly will have so many trust issues and fear that it is best to move forward on your own and focus on yourself. Please consider what a life without an addict would be like and really decide whether this is a life for you. This struggle may last a lifetime and I would recommend reading my book, Hope Street, to understand more about co-addiction and addiction and what may be in store for you if you stay. Please consider moving on and helping yourself and allowing yourself time to heal.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  63. Eve.
    I went through a similar situation. I found my addict overdosed and almost dead and I left but the feelings for him never left. I moved on, moved out and was seriously dating someone else but could not let go. A year later we reunited. It was 8 years of the same thing. We married, had a child and it all ended because I could no longer raise a child in this life. What I learned was that part of the problem was with me. I had some issues from my past and because of my childhood that made it almost impossible to let go. I had issues of codependency and co-addiction (being addicted to an addict). I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, about how I got through this process. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but there is hope. There IS HOPE FOR YOU. Please keep reading the other articles I have written here and pick up Hope Street. I would also find a therapist that can help you figure out why you cannot get over this and what it means for you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  64. Hello my partner takes cocaine he committed suicide nearly 4 weeks ago drove his car into a quary, as the car filled with water he realised he didn’t want to die he managed to get out thankfully, he got taken to a mental health hospital but he pasted his 2 doctors tests and they let him out which is beyond me why as he just tried to kill hiself, i left as a
    Can’t take it no more put up with it for nearly four years but this year has been the worst, getting credit cards up spending our bill money, i am planning to go bk after 6 weeks as he can go 6 weeks without it and i feel if he not took it for 6 weeks he might be on the road to recovery he has meetings at one recovery every friday for 1 hour, but i am scared as if i go bk and he takes it again he will feel that bad he might kill hiself or if i don’t go bk he will be upset and take it or if i go bk and can’t find my love for him again i can’t bare the thought of upsetting him to say we not working, ive been through so much crap with him and he keeps telling me now that hes a different person and free of that poison and he got his life back but one things missing which is me he says someone plz help im not a very decisive person anyway i am having group meetings myself to help me along but i just keep saying i will go bk as i know he really loves me, i still got a tiny bit left for him how would i know hes off it while im not there ? His mom and sis have been going round giving him surport and they saying they believe him this time he not going to do it but ive heard it loads of times but he had now lost his car and ive never left before help plz xx

  65. My name is Eve and I am in love with an addict I no longer have contact with. Its been5 months and I have done everything possible I could do for myself…Alanon meetings, counseling,tsking trips to places I have never been before and trying to get back my life. I find that no matter what I do my thoughts are still consumed with him and what is going on with him. I heard he has a new girlfriend ,but I believe it is a rebound relationship or someone he felt he could use with. I gave him an ultimatum to go to rehab or I was done. I tried to explain to him we needed to love ourselves before we could love eachother. That is exactly what I started doing was to love myself, and maybe since my attention was not on him anymore and on myself could be why he has someone else . I am heart broken over him still and I don’t know what to do anymore to deal with the pain of not having him in my life anymore. I have invested so much time and effort into him…he always made me laugh and was one of the most amazing people I have ever known. I miss him so much everyday and I am sad and hurt things just all of a sudden ended the way they did . I know its not healthy for me to be with him or love him but I have done everything for him and loved him so much and I just dont understand why he didn’t love the same way in return. I want to still be with him and I always feel the need to have him in my life ,but I have accepted the fact he is not good for me and never will be until he gets ssober and it is extremely painful. When we were together times he would disappear and get high I would go looking for him and my whole world was revolved around him and his drug use. I still find myself going down streets looking for him. I hate that im still feeling this way and I feel like nobody understands my pain or what I am going through. I am still really good friends with his sister and have a difficult time trying to express what I am feeling towards him to her. I feel like an idoit and ashamed of myself for loving him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have a huge amount of suppressed ffeelings about him that I have hidden because I felt ashamed. I have a son that depends on me and I have to be strong. Please help.

  66. Lynn,
    I don’t know the severity of the situation but if someone is using heroine it sounds pretty serious. If he is in a program and in serious recovery, then there is a possibility but sometimes the trust is just way too broken and lines were crossed that can never be repaired. I would recommend reading the other articles I have written here. They are helpful in taking steps to move on regardless of what the addict is doing.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  67. My husband has been addicted to percs and just recently started doing heroin. We have been together for 6 yrs and have a 3 yr old and I’m 8 months pregnant… This morning I finally left him and packed a bag. He told me he hates me and will never love me again .I love him with all my heart I don’t want to loose him but I dont want to live like this anymore .. Is there hope? Will he get help and our marriage get back together ?

  68. Lost in Translation,

    You are right, now you have no choice but to focus on you and the health of your baby.

    Amanda Andruzzi

  69. I realize I am a co-dependent. I use to care about taking care of myself and now I’m so obsessed about the addicts health. I’m pregnant, and I realize that I need to refocus because I cannot rely on or trust the addict.

  70. Cassy,
    You have every right to be frustrated and angry. You have a choice to continue to put up with this behavior or make a change. You are not going to fix him and I hope you realize that he has to want to change, not be forced to change for the sake of anyone else. I hope you get a chance to read my book, Hope Street. It is my memoir of my life with an addict. 12 years, 6 years of marriage and one child later and I ended up in the same place I started. It is meant to give you hope and inspiration as are the other articles here. Click on my name, Amanda Andruzzi and a host of articles will come up that may really help.
    Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  71. My boyfriend has been smoking pot for many years , he is now 30. He smokes it after a day at work, before bed time or whenever he feels stressed. It used to bother me but never as much as it right now. His mother used to always tell me that u should threaten to leave him if he doesn’t quit pot. I ignored because to me it was simply pot back then. Before moving in together, he disclosed to me that he has been using cocaine weekly , when we broke up for 6 months. However, his usage diminished greatly when we got back together . My heart was torn when I heard that. I couldn’t understand why would a beautiful human being as him would want to destroy himself and the great opportunities that awaits him in life. He made the promise that he would never use again. Since that date in last July, he has relapsed 4 times. Finally, last week when he went to buy it , he admitted that he needed help, that he couldn’t do it on his own. He went to seek advice from a relative he trust and decided for the sake of our relationship that it was better that he kept his issues with cocaine to himself. Last Friday, he went to his first group meeting. We’ve talked about the stories of other addicts. This session gave him hope because some of the people in that group have heavy addictions that have ruined their lives in unrepairable ways. I was happy he went but all I could think about is : ” will he be consistent in his meeting?” ” when will be the next relapse?” ” am I strong enough for this ? ” ” will he ever recover for good ? ” ” do I see myself marrying and having children with some who have addictive behaviours related to drugs use ? ”
    I am 28 years , we’ve met 5 years ago. I love this man so much ! One of my dreams was to have and share everything with him. But we both know that it won’t be possible if his addiction is not dealt with.
    This year I have suffered so much pain , stress , anger , frustration. Even my body was reacting to this. I was having serious hives crisis on my skin. At night I couldn’t sleep I had bad stomach and heart burns. I didn’t know what it was until I looked back. The saddest part was that I couldn’t share this with anyone !!!! I finally shared his addiction with his sister. She knew about it. He had told her about his usage when we had broken up .
    Today when I stepped in our apartment after work , I saw his eyes . Red , glossy, empty , numb. I was completely turned off again. I was aggravated . I knew he smoked up some marijuana and that just brought me back to when he had his cocaine relapse last week. We didn’t speak at all this evening. It is 11:22 pm he is in bed and I’m up in the living. I don’t know if I am enabling his addictions. But all of this is killing me !!

  72. Antonia,
    Something needs to give here. You have four children and not time for you or for the two of you. I have three and have no time so I could only imagine. Have you tried counseling? This may sound cliche but sometimes carving out an hour a week to engage with one another and communicate can help alleviate the stress. If you think he is drinking or doing something, then you need to address this first because it could explain the odd behavior. Don’t expect honesty because an addict will hide and lie. Just having four children is enough stress, so you are going to have to be crafty in how you handle this and how you will find the time to address your husband and reconnect with him if that is what you want.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  73. I’m married to a man who was an active alcoholic about 23 years ago. He’s been about 23 years sober. I know that he no longer drinks, but am experiencing so many issues in our marriage that I know that something is wrong. There are so many other things he seems addicted to like collecting things he picks up off the side of the road and buying small things weekly (some for our children) from thrift stores. I know it seems trivial the way I describe it, but this AND so many other things he does have become a major disrespect to me. We have a super busy life because we have 4 small children and have chosen to homeschool them. I’m a stay at home mother, teacher, home manager, cook, etc. I’m pretty sure I’m a co-addict who is so fed up with things (especially being neglected in our relationship) that I’ve begun to leave on weekends (taking only our baby with me and leaving the other kids with him) to try and have some normal, fun time for me. I do think it seems like I have a disease (time/energy/and attention that I give him and his issues).

    What steps should I take at this point? I am Catholic and don’t believe in divorce, only separation. Would separating be considered a way of me trying to control his behavior and thus continuing the unwanted behavior of a co-addict? I sure want to get rid of my co-addiction (and live a happy life with my kids. At this point I don’t care much for my husband, though the thought of raising my kids while being separated is such a daunting one, yet I’m extremely angry at him for all the things he does AND doesn’t do that he should. I say “don’t care” but I know this is fleeting. I DO love him dearly. Because I love him, I believe I should not cover up for his misbehavior (and enable him) and I know he needs help, though I’ve insisted and he says he’s done so many years of AA and that it can’t be of help to him, just a hindrance. If for nothing else, he appears to me to be in desperate need of someone, other than me, to daily keep him accountable for things (like a sponsor???). There are so many unbroken promises and selfish behavior with him. Some examples: my ideas are not taken into account; vacations are where he wants them; he believes our time as a married couple should only be when we get a sitter or while the kids are awake—with a baby, 2 yr. old, 4 yr. old, and 6 yr. old (whom he lets interrupt our conversations each minute) there’s no time for any conversations, much less emotional or physical intimacy.; despite no emotional intimacy, or respect for my wishes as a mom and wife, he still expects sex and for me to dress in lingerie etc. for him, which I CANNOT do, since there is no connection left after our unhealthy relationship of 14 years (married for 8 of them). I think that to everyone outside our family, he, and our family seems to be normal and even a healthy and happy family, though I know differently. In many ways, he is the kindest loving dad, but I feel he is in denial about many things. For one, if he isn’t loving the mother of his children, he isn’t truly loving the kids, though he acts kindly in front of them (but also stressing out with their misbehavior and losing his temper with them verbally most nights).

  74. Kali,
    Thank you for sharing with us. I know what it feels like to love someone and watch them struggle with addiction. I know that right now you want nothing more than to help him. I would recommend reading my other articles here, especially, My Loved One is an Addict: What do I Do? http://alcohol.addictionblog.org/my-loved-one-is-an-addict-what-do-i-do/. You can click on Amanda Andruzzi at the top of this article next to my picture and all of my articles will come up.
    Most people will try to help the addict and make the problem their own and these are some of the mistakes we make. If you do not want to be with someone who is on heroin then you have to leave or create boundaries, then leave if he does not adhere to those boundaries. This may sound cruel, however, the nature of addiction is to lie. If you do not have him understand that you are leaving if he is using and not in recovery, then you are in for a long ride of lies, manipulation, relapses, binges and more. I would make sure you are educated on addiction and what it is really about. We tend to fool ourselves and think that we can control it and that even they can control it but that is a mirage that only lasts a short while. If you know what you may be in for and you still want to stay, then that is a decision you can make, just make an educated one. I hope this helps.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  75. I met my boyfriend about a month before he relapsed. He was two years sober but now he’s back on heroin. He was laid off a couple weeks ago because his boss found heroin that my boyfriend claims wasn’t his but he took the wrap for it. His work paid for him to go to treatment. I spent 2 days with him, neglecting my own responsibilities in order to get him ready for the 30 day program. Two days later he called me to say he was leaving treatment and that he would go to another facility. We got him set up for the second facility, where he lasted a day. Then he said he was going to detox on his own, at home. He made it 14 hours before giving in. Now we’re both broke so he’s decided to try again, at my home an hour away from where he lives. It’s been about 36 hours and he’s trying so hard but I know that ultimately he’s just going to go back home and use again. I don’t want to have to leave him.

  76. Ness,
    Thank you for sharing your story. This depicts a very clear and unfortunately very common picture of how life is, loving an addict. There are many people out there like you and I wrote this blog and my book, Hope Street, because I was in your situation not too many years ago. I was married to and lived with an addict for 12 years and we had one child. He left us, penniless, and in debt and disappeared.
    You have every right to feel upset and feel betrayed and hurt but the key is to take those feelings, give yourself time to heal, and then work on yourself. Ness, there is a reason why you followed this man, even though, from what you describe, the relationship was all about his addiction. You need to find out why it was so attractive for you to be with someone who was not really emotionally available to you and why it was so hard to walk away. Those are the real reasons you are hurt.
    Your life and your future are hopeful and bright, simply because your happiness is in your own hands. You have to be okay with yourself first and now you have the opportunity to do that before you get into another relationship. Please keep reading my articles here by clicking on Amanda Andruzzi, there is a host of information about this situation, how to get help and the feelings you are experiencing. Please keep posting.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  77. I think I was very much a co-addict in my relationship/marriage. When I first met my husband, he used to drink a great deal and had done according to him, for many years, and would go on binges for days and was proud of it, and I would say to myself I can accept this, it will pass, but I knew it wasn;t right, for a number of reasons particularly the fact I had two young boys. I thought it was fun, the society we lived in was a very social circle, so there tended to be many social functions. This continued on and he would think nothing of drinking a couple of bottles of wine and then driving, but I did take the keys as I got scared, however, it bothered me that he still wanted to go out and I would send him messages all evening, not very nice ones either. We then moved from the Middle East, to Australia, my family is in the UK and he wanted to get back to Australia to his, I suggested he went ahead, but wouldn’t have it, although when he had been on heavy drinking sessions – he said he didn’t want to be married anymore, because of my reaction that i wouldn’t leave him alone. We came to Australia and as soon as we arrived he wanted out. He had a 3 year contract at his new job, but in months he had handed in his notice and wanted to leave wanting us to go and live with his parents whilst he toured around the world. I was shattered. Anyway, he had to fulfil his contract for various reasons but little by little the drinking got worse, a bottle of whisky a day, and more, kept walking out and sleeping rough, coming back drunk and sleeping on the doorstep, where my boys would find him. I was shattered, my stomach churned, I appealed to his parents, to the doctor, to family relationship councillors, nobody seemed to understand, but they they did, they never did have the heart to say, just leave, I had nowhere to go, I was in a foreign land and no friends in the first few months that I could share my situation with without spoiling his career. Anyway he eventually took it on himself to leave the marriage, I was heartbroken, and I still cry when I see pictures of him, and am cross as felt I never did enough, but I do see that my boundaries were non existent, I was punishing myself. Now it has been two years since he left, he is very unpleasant when I communicate with him, probably because I tell him I miss him, communication by email only, no speaking, and I am finding it very very hard to get over the whole affair. It seems almost like I need to learn to hate him to get over him. Maybe I do hate him, but I don’t understand it at all when we had such a wonderful relationship in so many ways or maybe we didn;t, it certainly was all about him for sur. I think I had let it become that way because of denying myself the freedom to walk away from the relationship/marriage knowing that it wasn’t right or fair for myself or my boys. When I reflect, I know I should have done on many many occasions, it still hurts so much and I find it hard to believe that I have been so weak and still am. I was wondering if anybody else had been through this similar situation and what you did to get over this total sadness and lack of trust that I now have of myself, to enable me to move forward with confidence into another relationship. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it probably doesn’t paint an entirely clear picture of the situation, but I just wanted to share with others who might have been there and have some solutions. Thank you.

  78. Bernie, Suzannah, Jamonte, Cleo, Victoria, Jamie, Noemi, and Erin,

    I want to personally apologize for not commenting on your posts. There may be an issue with the site and moderation because I check them weekly and have not seen any of your comments posted until today.
    I would like to get back to each of you individually but at this point you may have already moved on so I will say something collectively to try and address all of your concerns and you are welcome to post again if you need something more specific.
    Co-addiction is a difficult type of codependency because addiction is a selfish disease and because we love our partner, we feel it is our job to help fix them and if we leave we are abandoning them. However, if we stay we are really the ones getting hurt and the children, if there are any. The only real way to help an addict is to help ourselves. If we get the help we need to stop Helping and Enabling them and put the focus and energy on ourselves and our children, indirectly, we are making it harder for them to keep using. For an addict, drugs come first and do not get offended by that because it is part of the disease. You need to start thinking the same way, YOU come first and your children. This is the only way you will be able to move on, find some happiness and create an happy and healthy environment in your life and in the lives of your children.
    If you keep trying to change an addict and they do not change, what does that tell you? They are not going to change unless they want to right? That is one of the hardest concepts to wrap your head around and I know this from personal experience. I was a co-addict for 12 long years, marriage, one child and losing all of our things later is what it took me to learn I was never going to change my addicted husband so I finally let him go and decided to change myself.
    My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of the last year living with an addict. It is a real and raw depiction of all of those feelings all of you describe, the frustration, the hate, the anger, the sadness, the depression and so on. Writing was the only way I started helping myself and how I thought I could help others.
    Please click on my name here in this blog, Amanda Andruzzi, and a host of articles will pop up, 27 or more that will help you on this subject; help you learn steps to move on, teach you about addiction, co-addiction, how to get help, how to let go and more.
    As much as you want to help the addict in your life, let me help you. Keep posting, I am sorry again for not responding or seeing posts sooner. I am here to help, day or night!
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  79. Maggie,
    I apologize for not getting to you sooner, I did not get a notice that this was posted. I am sorry for your trouble and your pain. You did the right thing by asking him to leave. He definitely manipulated you and is continuing to do so because this is what addicts do to not deal with their addiction. The term “dry drunk” refers to an addict who is clean but still acts like an addict and has not dealt with the real reasons they used drugs in the first place.
    You may on to something when you say he has a mental illness, many addicts have underlying mental health issues and are simply self-medicating. However, none of this is your problem nor your responsibility anymore. He is out of your life and even though it is difficult for you, you need time to heal.
    You did a great thing by going to al-anon. You sought help for you and are looking for ways to heal yourself and that is the first step. If al-anon does not resonate with you, there are books, other support groups and therapists or any combination of these things that can help you.
    Please also use this blog as a resource. You can click on my name in this article and all of my writing will come up which is focused on how to help yourself in this situation.
    The key to healing is to start working on yourself. You need some distance (block his number, texts, emails, etc.) and to be around supportive people, friends, family and/or support groups. It would be a good idea to start doing the things you once loved to start feeling like yourself again. Please read my articles, they have all the information you need to take the steps in healing and how to start the process.
    My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of living with an addict for 12 years and is my story of how I finally came out of that situation and was able to heal and move on. I wrote it for me and then realized it might inspire other people. Either way, the answer for you is to start educating yourself on co-addiction and putting the energy and focus on you now.
    Keep posting, I welcome your thoughts and feedback.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  80. Hello, I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 8 months. He has hung onto me like a leach. He moved right in with me and never left until I kicked him out. During that time he has done 2 stints with detox and became even more difficult when sober. The verbal and emotional abuse is horrid and the manipulation is driving me crazy. I have kicked him out 2 twice and he is still trying to manipulate me into taking him back and is now telling me he is dying of cancer ( something is genuinely wrong with his health due to his abuse of himself). I have lost 2 jobs because of this man. He hounds me day and night and has done this for 6 weeks since I kicked him out. I could not for my sanity deal with him any longer. He has quit drinking for maxium 33 days and as I said was almost worst as sober. He did attend AA while sober but his moods were no better, When I kicked him out bc of this he instantly returned to drinking. He was hired for a fantastic job and his drinking is going to end up costing him his one last chance at a great job and re established career. I have just started reading some Alanon literature and realise I was making the mistake of trying to control his drinking by threats and know now it is none of my business and yet I feel such guilt for not helping him, Yes I am aware I am a co addict even if I did not enable ( so I HAD thought). I am almost financially ruined due to his affect he has had on me and my inability to even focus on me due to the depression all this has taken on me in this short time. I have kicked him out 6 weeks ago and he has given me no peace. I believe he has more mental illness besides being an addict. He alienates everyone a has limited friends and family.He has a cousin who somehow thinks I am responsible for him as she has been with an addict for 9 years and sees this life as normal. I cannot sleep and I go no where except to run a few errands and then return home. What do I do to heal myself and let go of this man for good ?

  81. Bernadette,
    I am sorry it took me so long to find your post. I hope you are still there because I am here to tell you there is hope…maybe not for him but definitely for you. It is scary to leave when you love someone and as a former co-addict I completely understand. My ex-husband lied, stole money from my family and his friends and business associates, he told stories about me, he used in front of our daughter over and over again, he manipulated me, he used me, he cheated and I still did not want to leave. I was afraid I would leave, he would get clean and then find someone else. When I had finally had enough, which it sounds like you have, I left, I moved on, I got better, I got help, I helped my daughter and I got remarried and have two more beautiful children. I never thought that was possible. The thing I learned is that you are already living in hell, so leaving cannot be much worse, it is sad at first but so if living with an addict. I felt the fear and did it anyway and I will never look back. My ex has disappeared and I believe he is still using and the biggest fear I have is if I would have stayed!
    Please find the resources here to get help for you. Click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles pertaining to this subject will pop up. I wrote a book, Hope Street, it is my memoir of my last year of my 12 year relationship with an addict. I wrote it to help others who were in my situation. I had no hope and I felt so alone and in had such pain that I was hiding from the world and it seemed that no one could relate to me. I wrote Hope Street to help others feel understood. Keep us posted. We are here to support you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street

  82. Hi Victoria. Have you tried counselling? I’d recommend going to several sessions separately, and also together. This way you both will be able to work out some of your personal issues, and work on mutual problems on the family counselling sessions.

  83. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, I moved out with him after just 6 months, we’ve had to move every year because he couldn’t hold down a job and we got into arreers. He is a heroin addict, he smokes and doesn’t inject. It usually lasts for 6 months, he seeks help, cleans up but always goes back to smoking it again. I am 32 he is 40, he has a daughter who is 17 who he hardly ever sees’s. He has no real friends or family. We spilt last year for 6 months, he got himself a good job and promised me the world, he moved back in, since October he’s been smoking again, since by bday, all through Xmas. I stayed in bed all Xmas, 7 days, didn’t see my friends or family and made excuses, I feel do alone and depressed I hate my life, Nobody knows our secret and I feel so alone. I’ve had a good job for 10 years but that is in danger as I’m so depressed I keep calling in sick, I’m seem outgoing and always smiling nobody know how I feel, lost and desperate. I love him so much and he tries to get help but after 7 years I fear it will always be this way, he never lasts. I’ve asked him to move out, he is heartbroken as he just got back on subtex tabs and believes he can kick the habit this time but I don’t believe it. I fear he will go back on the drugs if he leaves but I just can’t live like this anymore, I’m terrified of life with or without him. He had such a good heart but when he smokes he steals, doesn’t pay his way. We don’t have sex ( once every 4-6 month) I over eat, don’t see my friends or family, binge drink it’s not how I want to live, will he ever get better, will I regret it when he get better and moves on. I’m so lost, don’t know where to turn or what to do, sometimes I just want to die.

  84. My husband is an addict and I left him for another man who killed himself after which I went back to my husband who now professes to want to change but never takes action to create the change. I am angry and resentful as I’m sure he is, as well. Time to throw in the towel?

  85. I’ve been reading all your articles n I’m so grateful for them.It’s been only 4 days that I kicked my crack addict bf out,n yes I feel sad but I think about all he’s done to me n how many times my lil 5 yr old saw n heard him abuse me n that makes me angry n don’t want that life anymore.We’ve been together for over 2 yrs n I have kicked him out before but always felt sorry n believed he’ll change,but lied.This time is different BC I know he won’t nor wants to change ..itscome to the ppoint that I had to hide my purse from him n he tried to steal my lil girl bike but caught him n took it away from him.Every comments I’ve read on your blog feel like its my life. The lies, deceits,worries,pain,stress.. going to pump gas n coming a day later n coming angry BC he wants money..he says I shouldn’t take all his abuse by heart BC its not him but the drug making him act that way..its been too many times. Now I feel y should I excuse his abuse if I didn’t or make him do crack thatwas his choice n still chchoosing.. I’m not that young anymore I’m 47 n him 46..want my life to be peace full like before he came into our lives. N it has been for 3 days now..n reading your articles r giving me strength to move on.thank you

  86. I have been with my husband for 5 years and during that entire time, he has been in a cycle of recovery and relapse from his addiction to Adderall. I am in love with him. I believe he is my soul mate. However I am finding life more and more unmanagable while living with his ups and downs. There seems to be little help for people with Adderall (amphetamine) addictions, at least in Canada. Most detox centers will not accept amphetamine users because the detox is severe and can last weeks or months… and then the person has to live at zero serotonin for 1-2 years until their brain chemistry can heal. We have been to dozens of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, addictions case workers who have all told us how dangerous it is to detox from Adderall and none of them have been able to direct us to a recovery program that isn’t completely unafforable ($15,000 and up for a 28 day program). We both go to 12-step programs regularly and have sought spiritual help, but nothing has been able to break this cycle of relapse, detox, recovery, and repeat. He seeks help. He wants help. He does his step-work. He has a sponsor. But he also has bills to pay and so he ends up taking Adderall in order to function. Otherwise he can barely get out of bed, let alone work. Because he spends more time in recovery than relapse, we are sinking more and more into debt because my salary alone does not cover our costs.
    At the beginning I set the boundary that he needs to be getting help for me to stay with him. But he is always seeking help in one way or another, even the same day as a relapse. I keep bouncing from hopefulness to utter despair. I want him in my life, but I also want to have a relatively stable life and maybe even kids one day… I keep hoping that this time his recovery is going to stick, but I worry I am going to get to the point one day where it’s too late and my chance to have children or have the life I dream of (with him) will have passed.

  87. I have been married to an alcoholic for 8 years which is getting worse! We have 3 young children and I am 3 mths pregnant with our 4th. He drinks 8-9 tins beer every night, he has recently lost his licence for drink driving, he promised he would stop after the court case. On Sunday he went to pub and got himself so drunk that he couldn’t stand he was falling all over the place and passed out on sitting room floor when our little children sleeping he disgusts me. I have given him the ultimatum either he stops drinking completely or u will put him out of the house as it’s only a matter of time before the children see the consequences of his drinking. He’s promised to full this time but how can I help him to stop I believe he really wants to but I don’t know how to help him. He won’t go to AA, thinks he can do it cold turkey is this possible? I am at a lose end as to what to do my children adore him and he is so kind and funny when he’s not drinking is it possible to have a happy ever after??

  88. Thank you for this. I had no idea up until a few months ago that I was an enabling co addict!! I’m sad now. We have a child and her own child lives with us. At thirteen and five they will never understand what dad goes through seeing mom ask for more vicoden, or ask for me to call someone over and over again, making me feel bad for her pain…the emotional manipulation is way to much.

  89. Thankyou x ive never heard of the co addict before but every part of this is me, im trying to get out of a relationship with an alcoholic and i never can i keep taking him back, i blame myself question my self every time i always think id id done this different , but in reading this ive realised where i am , ive put my new business on hold for two months being so focused and obsessed with his addiction its been the focus of my life for four years now i think its time to detatch and face the fears , suzie x

  90. Sandy,
    Two things first; you are ready to leave and be happy and it is never too late. I would do the laundry and have the worst anxiety to go through my husband’s pockets because I knew I would find pills or something else. I would dream of what my life would be like not always fearing my husband’s drug use. I started to see myself with someone else, having happy times, not fearing if that person left the house, what state they would come home in or if they would come home at all.
    I was with my husband for 12 years and we had one daughter. When I told him it was over, he left me with no home (he lost everything) and in debt (he put everything in my name). I had no job and was a single mother and I was able to do it. I am remarried, getting my Masters and am having my 3rd child with a wonderful man. It is possible to move on an be happy but I could not see it then, I felt like there was no life for me beyond the one I was living.
    The most important point I can impart on you is that you need to get help! You have to find out why you were able to put up with this for so long and how to change that, in essence, change yourself. Your husband won’t change, you cannot force that, This is about you.
    Please click on my name in this blog and you will find a whole resource of articles that will help you know how to move on, how to start, how to take the first step and how to get help and get strong. You can and will do this, you just need the right tools and the self confidence. It sounds like your children are almost grown and you can focus on you. It sounds like they would support you if you did leave.
    Educate yourself; read books about co-addiction, go to support groups, seek therapy, whatever you can do to get your hands on the resources you will need to leave. I have been exactly where you are, mentally beaten and with no hope. My book, Hope Street, is my story of co-addiction and how after 12 years, I was able to get away. It is all possible, you just have to want it bad enough.
    Just remember, it may not happen overnight, take one step at a time and do not beat yourself up. My personal email is hopestreetmemoir@gmail.com. Feel free to write me there any time for support. Keep me posted.

    Amanda Andruzzi

  91. I believe I am a co-addict and I am at my breaking point. We have two children. A daughter 21 and a Son 17. I’ve stayed through “everything” and I feel each one of the signs that are noted above. I have turned into someone I don’t know. I quit caring for myself. I became extremely insecure, sad, scared, and not able to hold conversations with people for several years. I am now realizing just how much life has passed by. I have extreme guilt that I did not take my children out of this situation. I have to live with that. My Husband is for the most part, passed out in a chair or on a couch, very verbal, demanding, always right, always a victim, works the hardest than anyone, you name it. My kids and I have held “interventions” with him. We have begged him to seek help. He only gets angrier and tells us we are idiots. His family “doesn’t want to get involved.” No one understands how hard it is to watch someone slowly and literally kill themselves. He also downs Tylenol as if its candy. We’ve found all the “hidden spots” and got rid of everything we can, so many times, but finally gave up… It doesn’t help. We’ve been married for 22 years and together for 30. I’m completely exhausted. We thought a DWI with child endangerment would have made him clean up. It only worsened. I am so confused with my feelings. I just want out of the marriage. That’s how I feel. I dream of my own home and holidays with the kids and their friends. Fun and memorable times. Not dealing with a stoned out hammered drunk… Its terrible. There is always that one days that makes you think, oh my God, he is back! There’s hope! Doesn’t last…… I lost precious time with my family as he has never visited my family unless it was Christmas and we were always late as he had to get loaded first. He also used other things. It was so embarrassing, humiliating, and disappointing. I lost my Mom to cancer 7 years ago and wish I would have shared more wonderful times with her, but wasn’t able to do so because of the control at home. Oh, my head is spinning. This is the first time I found somewhere I could speak… My daughter is in college now. She doesn’t ever want to live at home again. My Son will go to college in two years, but doesn’t want to leave me here alone. My Husband does not communicate – ever. Hides his money, only does things by himself or maybe one other friend. But – only one! He won’t allow me to eat a hamburger. I must share every meal with him, no matter where I go. Its become so awkward and so odd. I just can’t do this anymore. I work hard and volunteer on a couple organizations. I’m doing things to get out of the house. I am ready to make a change, but I just don’t know how to start, what to say to him to get him to realize this is real….. What do I do???

  92. Nancy,
    This seems like a very difficult situation and a marriage that was not all bad. How would you justify leaving someone after all these years that was not so bad? well it is not too late because if you are reaching out now then it means you do want to change. Your children are mostly grown and now you want to focus on you and that is okay.
    Nancy life is long and it is never too late to be happy. Maybe confronting your husband will either force him to change ( but addicts usually need to do this on their own) or force you to make a change. Either way you won’t know until you really do it.
    But you are not happy and that is the only truth there is. You sound self sufficient so the only thing that is stopping you is fear. Fear is normal, feel it, but don’t let it stop you. Feel it but do it anyway because of you don’t, you will live with the regret of never trying.
    You should try to be happy and with or without your husband, you can be.
    He needs professional help, he cannot just quit cold turkey and as a nurse you can either insist he detox or that you will be moving on without him. Either way you win.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  93. I think it is probably too late for me but I really wish it wasn’t. I have been with my husband since I was 16. Married at 20. I am 57 now. I don’t know how the heck I did it but probably sad to say…by a lot of lying because our children have turned out very well. Happy and healthy. He was a good dad. Very loving and sweet to the kids. I didn’t find out until years later he was molested as a child. When my husband would disappear I would tell the kids he had to travel for his job which he did sometimes. He is 60 now. Drinks a 1/2 gallon of bourbon every 2 days and looks 40. Very handsome. I went with him to the doctor last week (hypertension)and the doctor walked into the room and walked back out because he thought he had the wrong room. He asked my husband his secret to the fountain of youth. I just cringed because I knew this reinforced his thoughts that he has no problem. He doesn’t stagger or slur his words. How? I can’t imagine. But he has gotten paranoid. He accuses me of hiding money..I don’t. He says I lie to him and I don’t. He was never abusive but he is sometimes now. I hide it all from my family. I still look good but the stress has done a job on me. I had breast cancer and the chemo caused me to gain weight. I’ve been slim my whole life but not anymore. I still look young thanks to my mom and grandma’s genes because I should look like a hag. I am so tired of smiling and hiding it all.
    I am a nurse so I can take care of myself. My daughter wants me to live with her because she doesn’t want me working. I’ve told her there are some problems but not the whole story. My husband says that the children and I are the only clean thing in his life. I’m afraid to ask this man who I gave my life to what this means exactly. I love him so much. He was always a drinker but I never thought anything about it because he never acted drunk. He was always nice and funny when he drank. Always made a good living and brought home his paycheck. I’m totally a tea totaler. Never even as a teen did I ever try anything. I think about leaving but all he has to do is cry and I’m mush and I hate it. He saved my life once years ago during a violent altercation with robbers, put his own life at risk for me, so I think he loves me but I would never do what he has done to someone I loved. We have a 16 year old still at home who thinks his dad is cool. He was our surprise baby and is such a good kid I’m afraid I will mess up his world. I guess I’m just venting but I think sometimes because of the stress I may die and leave my son with an alcoholic. When I look back I believe I stayed for the children. I now feel terribly guilty because I think if I had put my foot down years ago, maybe he would have gotten help and would not have deteriorated to this paranoid state. Thanks for listening. I think I’m definitely an enabler even though I had a very happy childhood with great parents. The people at the liquor store probably think “I’m” an alcoholic because I buy it frequently for him or else he yells. Sorry, I probably wrote too much.

  94. Anne,
    I don’t know the specifics of your situation but of you believe something is wrong it probably is.
    There is usually a lengthy process a co-addict will go through before they have had enough but only you know if you are there. If you don’t like his behavior and it is making you unhappy unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change his behavior. You can only change yourself, your behavior, be responsible for your own happiness and set real boundaries.
    It sounds cold and caliused and it took me 12 years with my addicted husband before I could take this advice myself. I tried everything, I am a nutritionist so I tried diet, exercise, motivation, AA, NA, Al-Anon for me but trying to change him was a lost cause. An addict will come to their knees on their time and not yours. I would say, if you can detach with love and focus on you, that would be the first step. Please read the other articles I wrote here that can tell you how to do that. I know how hard it is but you can do it! Just click on my name at the top and you will find an array of information and resources. You will want to learn about your role and how you can change your situation by healing and growing.
    My book, Hope Street is all about my personal journey with my addicted husband.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  95. I have met every criteria in the co-dependent’s list above.

    Last night I told him “we both need to be healthy referring to our diet, weight, migraines, arthritis but your self-medicating is not the way to do it.” And, “you need to make a choice over that or us.”

    What do I do now? I’m scared. I love him and do not want to leave him.

  96. Susan,
    Your situation seems very hopeless from the outside and I am sure it feels that way on the inside. Different from leaving a spouse with addiction, leaving or “kicking out” a child, can be the hardest thing you will ever do. I have children and I know I would do anything for them.
    However, your son is no longer a child and it sounds like you have done everything for him. What else could you possibly do? He will most likely not go for help unless he has no place to turn and as it is he always has you to turn to. Unfortunately sometimes what feels like we are helping may actually be hurting and enabling them.
    Everyone must come to the realization that they have exhausted every outlet and it seems to me that you are at that point. In fact, from your words, you seem to know what you have to do to help save your life, the life of your grandson, and your son. Remember, you can’t help anyone if you can’t be happy and healthy and take care of yourself.
    Co-addiction consumes you and it sounds like you need to get help for you and let your son worry about himself. If you like, I am sure if you go to court and it can be proven that both parents are addicts and unfit to raise a child, you will get custody and hopefully be able to raise your grandson. There are no guarantees. The only sure things I see here is that you are done. You are done because you have given your son everything and have nothing left.
    Susan, it is time to let go and take care of yourself. Only when your son is ready, will he get help, but by giving him money, you are not helping him get better and you are also hurting yourself.

  97. If he moves out he will not be able to keep his son. His son will move back with is mother family, they are on drugs also but he lives with them most of the time.

  98. My 39yr.old son is the addict in our family. He lives with me and his 9yrold son. He has spent all my money and it doesn’t bother him to ask for more. I have given him money for the dr and meds. He works for his brother. I am tired of giving him money. My bills are late. My credit is so bad that I have none. It’s been hard for me to take care of his son also. I am 67 I have fibromyalgia. And some other illiness[stress]. I have made him move out several times but he can’t take care of himself. And of course my life centers around him. My other children think he should be living on his own.. They are right. I hate my life. How do I make him move ot without feeling he is my responsibility. Help!!!

  99. I’m a 24 year old recovering addict married to a man who is still in active addiction. I’m also almost 9 months pregnant. I quit using as soon as I found out we were expecting but he didn’t. He made promise after promise that he will quit yet here we are almost nine months later and he’s still taking pills. I have tried setting boundaries and conditions and he may keep them for a day or even a week up then it’s like we’re right back where we started and he always has some excuse for why he “had” to take a pill,use, etc. I love my husband but this is not the life I want for my child or myself. I’m at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a fool most days because every time he makes a promise to stop or change i want so badly for it to be true that I stay even knowing he won’t keep his word.

  100. Hi Kim,
    I don’t want to tell you that things will be easy or that you do not have a long road ahead of you, because you do. You have a rough and long road to recovery for your fiance and for yourself. It will be difficult, trying and may not work out in the end, but as long as you know that going in, and are prepared for a future of uncertainty with his addiction you can make an educated decision. Everything seems cut and dry, he is in rehab, and you are aware of your issues with co-addiction, but with addiction, nothing is cut and dry. I do not know the details of your situation, or his so I don’t want to give advice that might not be valid to you. It depends on your fiance’s addiction, his willingness to change, his readiness level and if it was his decision to get help.
    Always remember, relapses can occur, and you can be right back where you started, even after years of sobriety. If your fiance is serious about his recovery, you will know. He will be active, everyday. It is work, very tough work that can be done if he has hit bottom and is taking full responsibility for his addiction.
    I always urge people to make changes on their own, because for a co-addict and addict, the patterns of behavior are hard to change when you are immersed in the situation that is a constant trigger. Personally, I would be on my own for a while and allow myself to heal and to see if my fiance could stay clean and sober on his own.
    I know where you are at. In my personal situation I only really heard the people who told me I could make things work with my addicted spouse and tuned out all of the others. Although I wish I would have listened to the other people because I would have saved myself a great deal of pain, I can’t go back in time. Your co-addiction will run its course but the light at the end of the tunnel is that you are aware there is a situation. That is the first step.
    It took me 12 years, marriage, overdose, and one child to come to terms with my husbands addiction and despite all of my efforts, and his attempts at getting clean, he was never able to do it. In my memoir, Hope Street, I wrote about my experience with an addicted spouse. My story may help you to at least know what you might have to face.
    Nothing is impossible, but what I learned is that the cycle of addiction can be cruel, unpredictable, heart-wrenching and nothing you can do can prepare you for the pain and disappointment. If you are ready to face the possibility of this, then yes, you can try to make it work. With serious behavioral change on both of your parts and if your fiance has a true desire to stop using then anything is possible.
    Would I recommend staying while his recovery is so new?… probably not, but if you decide to any way, I would make sure you are both working separately and together on your issues.
    If you would like to discuss this further please let me know. Good Luck!

  101. My fiancee is now in a 35 day rehab program, he was doing very well the first 2 weeks, but after detox, he claims himself to be just a dry drunk. I have been going to a counselor about my problems with co-dependency. I dont want to give up on him or our relationship. I want anyone to say, yes a recovering alcoholic and a codependent can have a relationship with hard work. I know not to put my life on hold for him and take care of myself, but i really love him and times were not always bad. He is due to come home in 2 weeks. I am worried since our last phone conversation was based on him drilling me with questions about what i have been doing while he is in rehab. after a few mins he did realize what he was doing and admitted that him and another guy got into an argument, so i was incouraged that he was using his “tools”. He has never been able to talk through a problem and i feel like this was a positive step. I dont know if i am grasping onto any small thing that can make me believe that we can work things out. everyone tells me it cant be done staying with a recovering addict when you are a codependent,butwe have been thru so much together and stood beside each other during really hard times, Is there anything that you suggest to help m y situation

  102. Dee,
    Thank you for contacting me. I lived with my addicted spouse for 12 years and we had one child.
    I went through the same thing and although I cannot tell you what to do. I made many mistakes,
    but they helped be at the great place I am today. I did not want to let my husband go and I lived
    with the lies for so long and no matter what I did or what he changed, nothing changed. Things
    always got worse and come to a head as they usually do with the course of addiction.
    I cannot tell you not to love your husband and shield you from pain, but I can tell you that
    you can save years of your life by getting strong and not accepting his behavior.
    Please read my other articles, to become familiar about what co-addiction is and how to
    take the first step. I would let your husband know you will not stand for his addiction and
    tell him you will leave if he does not get help. If he does not get help, then leave. Don’t
    make threats you are not prepared to keep. Addicts will lie about every single thing they
    can to keep using. If your daughter is aware of his drug abuse, this is a good time to go.
    He needs to get help, when he is ready and on his terms or it is likely he will not stay clean,
    even if he does try for you and your child.
    There is not enough room on this page to explain that I have been where you are, my
    book Hope Street, can help you understand a little more about my experience with
    drug addiction and hopefully help you in some way make the decisions you will need
    to make.
    Educate yourself on addiction, on co-addiction and stay strong.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  103. I am married to a man who has had problems with drugs and abuses alcohol. Recently my daughter found some drugs in his book bag and told me about it. She was very worried about him. I spoke to him and he denied everything, saying she probably put it there. Later he admitted that he had lied and said that he was trying to get help to stop.He doesn’t seem to feel that it is a problem, but his personality changes when he is using and we have had some awful fights. He has not made any effort to get help and tonight I saw him slip something into his pocket before leaving to go to a football game. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t live with this behavior.Especially when my teen aged daughter is now aware of this problem. What should I do?

  104. Mary,
    I know exactly what you are going through. I have been there myself. Addiction rarely ends without loss, both, emotional, and financial. The term “dry drunk” is a very real term. If an addict is asked to stop, they may, but they may not be ready. Even if they do stop the substance of choice, they are not getting help dealing with the reason why they were drinking in the first place. Addictive behavior; lying, being distant, abusive behavior, are all they may know, so even without the alcohol, your husband is still an addict. He may have stopped the alcohol to appease you, but it does not sound like he really wants to change and is still in denial.
    When you tell me your story, it brings me back to my life with my ex-husband. I would always tell him the things I thought he needed to do to save our marriage and he would either only do one thing, once, or lie and tell me he was doing things. I would just get angry and resent him and we were back to square one.
    It sounds like you set boundaries. That is a good start.
    The best advice I can give is that if you are not happy, you can leave, if not physically at this time, then emotionally, even under that same roof as your husband. You may want to start taking the focus off of him and put it back on you. Once I realized my relationship with my drug addicted spouse, who also put us in financial ruin, without my knowledge, was not going to be the man I needed (and that took a long time for me), I let him go. I started to take small steps to improve my life and in time, I was able to leave him physically as well.
    I wrote a book about my situation, not to sell books but to help people who were just like me feel less alone and more understood, but most importantly to know there is hope. If you get a chance, please pick it up. I promise, I was in the depths of despair and there is a happy ending. I learned how to take care of myself. Hope Street, can be found online very inexpensively, but if you have financial troubles, email me at hopestreetmemoir@gmail.com or visit my facebook page and hopefully I can help.
    You are stronger than you think, if challenged, most people uncover remarkable courage!

  105. Hi Doris,
    I can completely understand the pain you must be going through with your son. When someone has an addiction, it is as if they have a disease. They will lie and manipulate to get what they need. I can assure you, right now, under the influence of drugs and active addiction, your son, is no longer your son. It is a painful realization to come to, especially with a child. Unlike with a spouse, love for a child is unconditional.
    However, I can also assure you that by bailing him out, you are only prolonging his addiction. From your words, it seems like he does not even know he is an addict. You can always tell him that you love him but you cannot see him destroy his life anymore. You will not support him financially or his addiction. The only way you will be involved in his life is in his recovery. For example, he keeps saying that he needs to withdraw slowly. That is simply an excuse, so try to take his words with a ‘grain of salt.’
    Doris, there are withdrawal programs in almost every hospital, that will take him and he should apply for emergency medical assistance, so it should be covered. If he has no assets or income, usually he can be covered for the expense. You can let him know that you will help him all you can with his recovery, not with his addiction.
    However, be careful, an addict will tell you they will get help and never really do, or put it off. Remember, do not believe your son’s words, only his actions. If he goes into a withdrawal program, a treatment center or detox unit, will safely withdraw him from his medications. He may then finally have a moment of clarity to realize what he has been doing. But again, addiction is very complex, and although a person may get help, if they are not ready, there is really no point.
    Let your son go and let him know when he is ready to get help, you will help him. Forced detox and withdrawal rarely sticks. I went through a similar struggles. My book, Hope Street, may help you know you are not alone.

  106. I did set boundaries. There was a clear consequence & he stopped drinking. Cold turkey. Now people tell me he is a “dry drunk”. So here I go again. I have set boundaries & filed for divorce. He knows what my terms are–he wants me to stop the divorce. In order for me to even think about stopping the divorce, there are certain things I want. I.e. Therapy. However he is not complying with my terms. He’ll do 1 thing I want, then thinks that he has bought himself time. I love him, but I’m not his babysitter. I am disabled & sick & I’m tired of playing games. The situation is further complicated by a Trust, bankrupcy & a 3rd mortgage that I don’t remember signing. At the end of summer 2014, all children will be in college. That is my limit. I have no money, but if things are the same, I will be leaving. Somehow I need to remove myself from the mess he has created, any advice would be welcomed.

  107. My 37 year old son is taking a high adderall ? He lost his job and is separated from his wife. He doesn’t have the funds yo pay for his prescriptions and he is crashing and can’t function. He sleeps a lot and is in withdrawl pain. He also takes anti depressants for depression. He has been dealing with a lot of lose in his life. I feel like he manipulates me to help him finacially for his prescriptions thst he needs when he runs out. He has been unable to find a job and has lost his health insurance. He says he can’t go cold turkey with the adderal because he feels so bad. He has tried several times . Can he lower the dosage and get off that way? I just don’t know how to help him.

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