Let go of an addict!

For those of us who love addicts, letting go can be terrifying. But life can be so much more! Read on for encouragement when getting out a codependent relationship with an addict (from someone who’s been there). Then, your questions are welcomed at the end.

minute read

Do you love an addict? Is addiction destroying your relationship, your family? Do you find yourself looking online to find out how to help an addict? Well, you’re in the right place.

Here, we examine how to let go of the fear and how to move on. There is life after an unhealthy relationship with an addict! More here, with a section at the end for your questions or comments.

Relationship exhaustion is real

Are you exhausted by the relationship? If your relationship with an addict is more than you can handle, you may be thinking it is time to leave. You might finally be starting to realize you have to let go. If you find yourself daydreaming about a new relationship with a partner who is not an addict, you may be ready to move on. Here are some other common thoughts you may have when it’s time to leave an addict spouse or partner.

  1. “I am scared that if I leave they will die or be homeless or kill themselves.”
  2. “I am afraid that if I leave, they will get better and find someone else.”
  3. “I am frightened of being alone.”
  4. “I am petrified that I will never love anyone like I love the addict.”
  5. “I am fearful of telling my friends and family how bad things really are.”

The one thing all of these statements have in common are the words-SCARED, AFRAID, FRIGHTENED, PETRIFIED, FEARFUL, and that they are all just different words for feelings of fear. It is difficult to think about letting go of someone when you have so many fears about leaving.

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Where does the fear come from?

If you have a loved one who’s an addict, you may feel confused and scared. There is seldom a person who is thinking about leaving an addict who does not feel a powerful and sometimes overwhelming sense of fear. But if your love for someone is based on fear, you should look at the source of the fear. If you have a fear of leaving someone, especially when the situation is toxic, then you must turn the mirror on you and take a look.

If the fear comes from a place where you think the addict may fall apart without you, then you should take a good look at that, too. You are not responsible for anyone else, especially if they are mistreating you. Even though you may look at addiction as a disease, you cannot blame yourself or hold yourself accountable for someone else’s conscious choices. However, when you play the role of caretaker, the addict usually dictates how you exist.

If you can look at your role in the relationship and what it means to you, why it keeps you from leaving, and why it holds you back, you may be able to see the situation through objective eyes. Gaining perspective usually alleviates the fear.

Let go of  the fear…and embrace a new beginning

Notice that the fear of letting go is usually blown out of proportion because of the dramatic nature of this type of relationship. The ups and downs of dealing with an active addict may put you in a cycle of elation and depression. Fear may, in fact, be a symptom of a deeper problem ingrained in experiences from the past and not so much the present. The fear itself may be unjustified in the present situation.

Don’t let your loved one suffer.
Addiction responds to treatment. Call us to get started.

I am here to tell you that life will not end for you if you leave an addict. Life may only just begin again. Because addiction can beat you down, you can become used to an attitude of negativity. A lack of enthusiasm for life can become the norm.

It is a healthy thought to know that life can go on beyond a relationship that has failed… regardless of who is to blame. We all experience love and friendship, but if something is not right, there is someone else out there for you.

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The underlying truth: It’s about YOU

My husband and I were together for twelve years and we had one child together. He had cheated on me, lied to me about everything, used drugs in our home, disappeared, and was verbally and emotionally abusive and yet I could not let him go. I had to ask myself if this was a problem with him or with me.

The one good thing about my husband’s addiction was that I learned a great deal about myself. I allowed this to go on for reasons that had little to do with him and more to do with me. What I learned through my fear was that I had insecurities and underlying unresolved issues from my past. I was using my husband’s drug addiction to deflect my own issues. My husband was hiding behind drugs and I was hiding behind them too. I was able to point the finger at what was wrong with him so I did not have to deal what was wrong with me.

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The fear will go away in time

Once I started to delve deeper into my personal issues and uncover self-confidence, the fear lessened. In fact, over time, the fear went away and letting go became a lot easier. When I was no longer afraid to deal with my own troubles, I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who was still afraid to deal with theirs.

It is naturally hard to let someone you love go, despite the situation. But don’t let the fear of doing something different keep your trapped. If you are in a similar situation, we invite you to reach out. Leave us a message here. We’ll do our best to get back to you quickly.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


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  1. My addict and I were together for 2 years. It started off with lies which I then discovered 3 months into the relationship. But silly me, I stayed not realizing what I was in for. She was definitely charming and manipulated the entire relationship. Now that we are not together I see how everything was about her EVERYTHING. She went to outpatient rehabs. Great then had to deal with the mood swings. Oh and then she relapsed. I knew it was the beginning of the end. We were long distance for a while when she was in rehab. We thought if she moved in with me our relationship would get better. WRONG. So yeah she was sober but it still wasn’t enough I learned. The emotional abuse got worse. Then she got physically abusive. Looking back at the entire relationship it was just all a mess. She was always lying, disappearing, disrespectful, entitled, controlling, mean, and lots of other things. Sprinkled in between that were the good moments that blind sighted me. The good moments that made me see her potential. Those moments were short lived. When she was nice to me I thought, “ok maybe if you can be this way all the time she will be nice all the time” WRONG. Addiction is very much real. It doesn’t matter if you’re Mother Theresa, the addict is a master manipulator and with do what they can to have things their way. They are so smooth with it you don’t even realize it’s happening. And if you’re codependent like me get ready because it feels like you’re drowning when you’re in a situation like this. The sleepless nights, the constant worrying, the going through her emails, the pleading, the constant forgiving and taking her back. It was slowly killing all of my joy. I was no longer present in my own life. Now that she is finally out of my place and gone I am able to reflect and see the reality of everything. I am currently seeing a therapist and learning to let go. It’s not worth it anymore. I’d rather deal with the pain of losing her than to keep missing out on my own life. I am in my own recovery. She did not choose to change but I did and now we shall walk separate paths. The fear of her getting better and meeting someone else used to eat away at me but the reality is addiction is a life long battle. It can get better, it can get worse or it can stay the same. Even if she did get better I still wouldn’t be able to do it. I’d constantly have in the back of my mind “is today the day she will relapse?”. I don’t and can’t live my life in that constant fear anymore. So for any of you going through it, follow your heart. If it doesn’t feel right and you’ve been unhappy and not present in your own life it’s time for you to get help. They might not be ready to change but you are. Do the work for you. Yes it will be painful. I’m going through it right now. But these growing pains will pass. And everything will get better. Self love first always.

  2. My partner is an addict and after four years of two inpatient programs, outpatient efforts, AA meetings, addiction MD appts, therapy… she continues to buy Ritalin (and numerous other drugs, including Kratom) and snort and lie about. I control her money, pay her bills, manage her house, take her car keys so she can not drive anywhere, monitor her emails and online behavior. She sells silver and jewelry to get cash for drugs and I suspect has slept (once) with a guy for cash/drugs. I feel that I am on continual guard duty. I can not do it any longer. I love her but my take is that she and almost all addicts are little more than chronic lying, cheating dead-weights on society and their families. It is discouraging that humans are so evil. I do NOT believe addiction is remotely entirely a disease; anyone stupid enough, with all the info available about drugs and their fallout, who uses them…does so knowing they probably will become addicted. Let drugs be legalized. The cartels will collapse. Billion$ in money for the entirely failed drug war will be saved. Allow addicts to live their lives as they want with one caveat: zero health insurance for drug addicts unless they buy it themselves. If they can’t pay…NO health care, period. Let them pay for their addiction, not the rest of us.

  3. Hi I met my boyfriend 25 years after not having seen him again since we were kids and I gave him a chance after not having been lucky in love I thought since I knew him and he knew my family that he would be at least honest and kind to me but after having started dating him I noticed that he had an addiction to drugs and I have been one not to ever do drugs I have been totally against it and it’s funny because I landed up falling in love with him and for the last 8 1/2 years I have been trying to help him get into rehab get them to halfway houses taking them to church helping him get work moved him into my house after the first year doing everything that a wife would actually do for a husband and I wasn’t even married to him he cheated on me multiple times relapse multiple times and now he finally left but the sad part is that he never broke up with me he just left and is living with another addict another addict this woman is detrimental to him she actually prostitutes and give some money so everything that I try to do to help him went South since he met this other woman she has completely ripped him away from me and now he’s with her he never even broke up with me I asked him to leave I took his clothes out of my house and he’s actually sleeping in his car with her and I ask myself what he actually want to sleep in his car with her then sleep here at home with me it’s hard for me to understand Drug part that somebody can actually leave you like that after 8 1/2 years of being together that somebody could just drop you and go with someone else I’m struggling to understand that

  4. I left an addict two years avo. I went through a period of deep sadness. Now I am in a depression. The devastation he caused me is something I don’t think I can ever get over. I need some help.

  5. Sally, You can’t be afraid anymore, the alternative which is staying is much worse! Leaving might be hard at first but it is the best for you and your children so that you don’t have to watch him use and self-destruct. You can and should let him know you will support him if he is serious about recovery and he enters a long-term rehab but if not that you are leaving.

    At this point it is okay.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  6. All the stories relate to a spouse or boyfriend, but I can see the stories are the same as they relate to my adult alcoholic drug addicted daughter. I was an enabler and codependent and have only now ten years later realized what a terrible spot I was in. My addict is verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive to me. She steals, lies, and manipulates. She won;t call and will only text. She says she loves me, but I don’t believe it. I am in another town, but the pain is still there. You are so right about them choosing the drug over family. I want to eliminate all contact. Is that ok?

  7. My husband has had a different behavior for about 3 years. He always has an excuse. Hes never been one to leave and stay gone. He started having people come to the house in his shop where he spends a lot of time. He would always end up running them off after a while telling me he dont want tgat kind if people at tge house. I had money missing frequently he would always make me feel like i was forgetting (i had a head injury in 2012) i finally caught him while i was raking care of his mom with cancer he was stealing from me. When i caught him he told me he dine it for me and him to spend time together and he ciuld never surprise me because i handled the money. His money was direct deposited which made him feel he could get money out of my purse when he wanted. I couldn’t do anything because i was raking care of my MIL. then she passed and i felt i couldnt because he beeded to greive. Now its been a year he is still unemployed he takes money cant explain where he spent it. I work 5-6 days a week while he does nothing. We have 2 children im afaid he will hurt himself or try everything to make sure i get nothing ive worked for. What we have left anyways. I dont want anything but on the other hand i dont want to give it to him. I know him so what i do get he will make sure he ruins it. Im ready to leave because he has changed and i have accepted that he isnt tge man i feel in love with. But i am afraid of what he will do and how it will affect my children.

  8. Laura,
    You have got to stop worrying about how he might be getting along better without you. He has done too many things that at this point you should be moving on and never looking back but those feelings are normal. We all fear the “what ifs” and that is why we stay so long, way too long. Who cares what he does, he did not do right by you and his addiction consumed the relationship and the fact that you are still worrying about what he is doing means that you are not truly moving on with your life and still stuck as a co-addict. You have to be ready to heal and recover yourself from the pain and drama of living this way for so many years and you deserve to give yourself a chance by letting go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  9. Hi, I recently had my SO of 11 years move out. He’s been an addict most of his adult life is now 60. He is an alcoholic binger and pathological gambler. He gambled away mortgage and only had 4 payments in ten years! Has no savings or retirement and doesn’t even file taxes! He makes great money last five years but gambled and drank it all away! I’m having anxiety over him saying he’s starting over, is doing great now etc. and his blaming me for relationships troubles cause I yell screamed and called him names to much. Yet he’s done same! But yes I do end up yelling more. I try calm but he talks over me and talk manipulating crap!
    I’m worrying he will find someone else and be the man he was when we met or least how he loved me when we met! Also he stayed out at casinos chasing losses until 4-5 and once lately 9am! Smelling of alcohol when home. I don’t think he was with anyone. But now I’m having anxiety thinking what if he was and now with her and treating her good !!! He was staying at a motel first few weeks now I don’t know at all where. Hardly took clothes and claimed he’s gotten a place but then said didn’t want it . He has not gotten more things! Called and wanted all his clothes this weekend . So? Where’s he putting them? I was financially dependent on him I have small income. He said he’d help me a while but trust him not! I want to tell his boss risk he takes driving company truck all over drunk n says he’s a good drunk driver! My sister died drunk driving n he never cared to stop with my worry n fear over that! Sorry long letter! Can you help me with words of wisdom on fears he’s with new woman treating her lovingly and gets sober for her I fear n I wasn’t worth it! N his drunk driving.

  10. Evelena, Theresa, Raymonde, Nancy, Jane, Lisa, Sue, Laura,
    I hope all of you realize that the person who is suffering in this situation is you. As cliché as it sounds you need to let go of the person and let the chips fall where they may because you are the one who is being tortured by the “what ifs” and the lonely nights and wondering when and if this person is going to change. They are going on with life the way they have chosen to and you are sitting back and waiting for change. I have a great compassion for addicts and I know there road is one of the most awful I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but if they do not want to change then YOU CANNOT MAKE THEM, FORCE THEM, MANIPULATE THEM TO. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF, HOW YOU HANDLE THE SITUATION, YOUR REACTION TO AND HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. Have you noticed that the more you become invested in their sobriety, the more your efforts seem futile and the less the addict changes? If you are sick of this, read Hope Street and hopefully you will gain some perspective on this cycle of co-addiction with the addict.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  11. Hi, I was will my Alcoholic boyfriend 11 years on and off. He is father of my daughter so I always thought that was reason I put up with so much emotional abuse. I finally decided to end it again when he decided to go back to certain meetings where his x would go. I felt after I’ve felt with he was just adding more issues and not caring. Hes cheated in the past so I ended it. I’m devastated very hard. How can I heal to take this pain away.

  12. Hi Amanda,
    I am so glad I found your blog. It has been very helpful. I, too, am in love with an addict. He also happens to be my upstairs neighbor (we live in a condo complex) so it is very difficult to get space and perspective when I see him all the time, even though I have taken a big step back. We have been together going on 10 years but the first four years of our relationship I did not know he was a drug addict; that is how good he was at keeping it from me. When I did find out it still took another couple years to discover how serious it was and what exactly the drug was. Well it turns out it was meth. His family and I did an intervention a little over a year ago and that got him into rehab but he left after 37 days (he should have stayed for at least 90, as it turned out he had been a long time user). He managed to stay clean for 5 1/2 months and then relapsed when his mentally ill son came and lived with him. Since his relapse I stood by his side to support him while he tried to find help for his son which, long story short, finally happened. His son just agreed to do his own in-patient treatment program for psychosis. Anyway, I know he has been using on and off and also gambling so I have let him know that, until he is ready to truly get help again, we cannot be a couple. But he says he’s working on it and is going to meetings and he does have a sponsor, but he still has not fully prioritized his recovery and I know for a fact he used as recently as two weeks ago because I called him on it— i’ve now gotten to the point that I can tell when he’s been using because of his annoying behavior when he’s on that rotten drug. And he didn’t deny it. At this point I’m not sure if I need to completely cut off all ties with him or be a friend to him or how exactly to navigate the day-to-day since he is in fact my neighbor and it’s pretty unavoidable to see him.
    A lot of people have told me to move, but the problem is I live in a very expensive area and have owned my condo for a long time and if I move I will have to move far away to be able to afford anything, but my job is very close to where I live so it’s just not an option right now. So I am looking at other ways to maintain my boundaries and not get sucked back in to an intimate relationship with him. It is what my heart wants, but my head knows better. It’s just really difficult.
    Thanks so much for any insight or feedback you can provide.

  13. The hardest part is knowing the person when they are clean and loving that person and holding on to the person in you know they can be. My heart breaks for my daughter, she is 5 and adores her dad. She deserves so much more. The bigger part of me knows I will be fine and my daughter will too but I came from a love filled home and the thought of having her miss out on a dad is hard.

  14. I am with a heroin addict he has been on 30 mls of methadone for over r months doing well going to making changes course twice week under probation now been put on 180 team ect but last two nights he hasn’t came home I think he has relapsed I did see him for short time yesterday and I tried talking and asking if he had been silly he just says no them moans saying he can’t go out no where without being accused ect I havent herd anything for 27 hours his phone off I’m worried sick can’t sleep eat :/ opinions

  15. Hi Amanda,
    Find your articles and comments very helpful. My AH partner
    went to alcohol rehab and was sober for 10 weeks. He
    stayed off the alcohol but has been smoking strong grass
    for three weeks now. He became grumpy, lazy, emotionally
    detached, shutting me out. The behaviours crept back
    very quickly and I realised I had lost him to addiction again-
    he had just switched substances. Have told him I can’t
    spend time with him if he is in addiction again. He has
    been mean, treating me as if I no longer matter to him
    although he was very loving whilst off all substances.
    Heartbreaking and lonely as I have lost him again. Together 6
    years but addiction back again…

  16. I am so thankful I found your website and have read so many of your posts and read so many comments from others every day for strength to break free from my brothers control. I feel so sorry for spouses/partners in this situation. My situation is very different and I struggle to find support because my issue is with my 65 yr. old brother. He has a very addictive personality and has been addicted to something most of his life. The issue is that our parents have both died and we have property we inherited from them. He has been a recluse since his wife died and now that our parents are gone he’s shut himself off from everyone and lives as a hermit/hoarder. He’s on Morphine for pain along with a bucket full of other pills for physical ailements. I’ve recently acknowledged that he is a Morphine addict and I am definately an enabler. Since we inherited our parents property, he refuses to move so we can sell the place and split our inheritance. He’s been living there now for 15 months on our joint bank acct. Our acct. is almost drained and I’ve told him we have no choice and he must leave so we can sell the place. My nature is to run from painful situations like these but everyone I talk to says I should stand my ground and make him move so I can get my due inheritance. My heart says to just walk away and give it to him but after reading all the writings here, I wonder if that would just enable him more to remain stuck and finance him more to not have to change and watch my inheritance go down the drain. But if I stand my ground and force him off the property, I risk all the emotions I’m trying to break free from. I’ll feel sorry for him and worry that he will do something terrible to himself or to someone else or become homeless etc… I know my situation doesn’t compare to most of you but addiction effects everyone in the family even sisters.

  17. I own a home with my alcoholic partner of ten years, and he says things to me when he is drunk that are mean, and he is controlling. He belittles me, that I have put things in the wrong place in the kitchen, meanwhile what he is looking for is right in front of him. I want to leave, but in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada where we live, there is a huge housing shortage and whatever properties or apartments are available there are hundreds of applicants. Buying another property is next to zero as a single working person, unless you have a lot to put down. I am in our bedroom and he is on the couch. I am giving myself another 6 months of this situation, to have time to work on selling and making more from our house each. It is so hard to stay positive, and can I do this for six more months

  18. I have been i a relationship for the past 3 years. He cheats lies and moved back home. So he can take the girls to his mothers house and do his drugs and have sex with different women. He hits me curses at me. Blames me for everything that goes wrong. He says hes slowing down. But never home on the weekend. I got us a place but ive live in my apt for 4 months. He thought it was too. He tells me to be patient that he will come running back into my arms… Im so confused always fight and argue with with when were out together. Everyone is telling me to leave him when hes high i dont hear or see him all weekend. Come Sunday every Sunday he will texted me to tell me he loves me and misses me. Im trying to pull aware.

  19. I have been with my Husband for 12 years . And he addicted to drugs , And I’m want leave but I’m scared to that he will kill himself and struggling to pay bills and rent to . I feel stuck , and depressed . And I don’t know what to do.

  20. Selena, Sad & Kristy,
    It is time for a change for all of you. Please know that I understand and also know that life does not have to be this way. You don’t have to be this sad. You can move on and get through this but the first step is admitting that you need to do something different, you need to make a change and the change has to come from you and for you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  21. I been married ten years and 3 plus this year he’s been using meth again he verbally abuses me all the time I wanna leave him when I’m pissed off I wanna leave then he says his feel sorry for me shit then I fall for it . I’m tired I don’t know what to do anymore I’ve been good to him and I can’t and I’m almost to the point of killing myself just to get away

  22. How do you pick up your kids and move their life? My daughter is co-dependent on her Daddy and I’m sure I created it. I don’t know what to do because she’s not ok with not having him in her life. It’s awful! I know I can’t stay for her but it’s so sad. I love my husband so much. He’s such an amazing man. I’m so sad for him that this is his life because he doesn’t deserve it. However I can’t live like this anymore. The highs and lows. The good days become fewer but whe they’re good they’re great. It feels like a real family. Then it’s all over so fast. Please tell me someone gets sober and changes!

  23. I have been separated from my husband for 3 days now and I cannot begin to explain how much my heart hurts. I have no idea of what to do with myself without him. We have been together for almost 10 years and at least half of those year’s meth has been the present. The last couple years have been the worst, lies come on a daily, trying to hide the level of his use and then there is the responses to random sex ads and realizing that the person who I am married to is someone I don’t know. The man I fell in love with would never answer random sex ads or hurt me in this way.
    The last words he said to me after I found his stash and pipe is “what is is doing to you?” “How is hurting you?” Those phrase okay over and over in my head, reminding me that he has no desire to change. The drugs are his priority, not me or other life we once dreamed of. I am so heart broken that he doesn’t want to get better, I don’t k ow what to do without him. I feel a part of me is missing and I wonder, will this feeling ever get better. I just wish I understood him more then maybe things could be different. I don’t know how to focus on myself, I am so consumed by him and the addiction and that scares me so much. I’m just hoping for strength to get through today.

  24. Dear Amanda:

    Thank you for replying. I was looking into buying the book. He completed the 5 days at the detox on 3/22/2017…. and passed away of an OD that same day. Words can’t describe my pain right now. I have so many questions………

  25. Lucy,
    Have you read Hope Street? I think it would be wise to learn a little more about addiction, addicts, the nature of addiction and codependency. I am not going to tell you what you should do except that you should know what you are getting into. Adickes lie about everything and you never really know what’s going on, you only think you know.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  26. I finally was able to file an eviction on the two heroin addicts that have lived with me in my house the past 9 months I felt so much relief and made head was so clear and I love that I am so excited about not being a part of that demanding top dog opiote that is so cool and I love being against it the side effects it has is so mental and who doesn’t enjoy a little opiate high now and then I am starting to see how hard a lot of people have worked

  27. I am so lost and confused right now. I am in love with an addict. I have been with him for 8 months now. And last week he relapsed for the first time. It is my first time being in a relationship with an addict. He is such a beautiful person. He is very good to me and my kids. I just don’t know how to react, what to do….. He is at a detox for 5 days ordered by his parole officer. I noticed some changes on his behaviors lately. He blamed it all on issues at work where he ended up loosing his job. He was doing so good tho…..

  28. Hummer,
    Amazing! I am so grateful you are sharing this with me. The thing about this is that you are only ready when you are ready. Each person has their own threshold and time when it is met. I am glad that I could help you get ready in any way and even more excited that you are moving on to bigger and better things in your life. Keep doing the work. Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  29. Just wanted to leave an update – approx ten days ago I began to feel very differently, much stronger and actually saw everything much more clearly – the fog has lifted – at long last!

    The trial separation and minimal contact allowed me time to hear my own thoughts and feelings and now I know I am free.

    Divorce proceedings have been started, I have rejoined classes and hobbies including piano, exercise etc and now I’m focussing my attention on me, my family and friends.

    I don’t know why it took me 3 years of trying but the penny dropped eventually – I don’t regret my marriage – there were some good times but I’m sorry I doubted myself for all of those months. I sleep better now and feel hopeful for a happy, healthy future.

    Best wishes to you all, living with active addiction is a very difficult road – we all deserve better.

    Also, a very big thank you to you Amanda for giving of your time and advice so generously.
    It all makes sense to me now – I can’t believe how messy my life had become and I’m SO grateful that I have turned a corner and that chapter is finally over.
    Many thanks.

  30. Amanda, Just realised the first line of my post (above) should read 2016 and not 2015!
    Look forward to hearing from you when you can.

  31. Hummer,
    I will not give up on you, that is not what this site is about but there is a time where I need you to take a look in the mirror and start taking some responsibility for what is going on. You are in a cycle of co-addiction so bad right now that is why you cannot see clearly. I have been there but I can only help people who are ready to be helped. If you choose to keep engaging with a man who is drinking and cheating behind your back then I cannot help you move on at this time and I don’t think it is in your best interest for me to help you navigate his actions and try to sort them out. When you are ready to move on, you will understand that this is not about him, his actions at this point are irrelevant, he is an addict and he had betrayed you in every way possible, there is not trust here. How do I tell you to rebuild from here? I can’t. I can only tell you that you can rebuild on your own and try to become independent of his illness. The more messy things get, the more you need to let them go. I work with people as a coach to help them through these crisis situations but 1) they have to be ready and 2) they have to be consisten and 3) they have to be willing to try something different. One year later and you are basically in the same place, I think you might want to consider doing something different.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  32. Hi Amanda,
    I wrote to you on this thread this time last year and again in march and June of 2015. The comments are still on here so i won’t cover the old stuff. Before Christmas (just passed) I spent almost 3 weeks with my AH at his place and they were 3 really great weeks – the flip side was that they were only great because (as I discovered) he was drinking in secret when he got home from work and would go and change clothes he would have his gym bag and must have contained alcohol and then topping up on trips to loo throughout the evening. Not ever obviously drunk – nobody else would have been able to know but I could tell and smell!
    I decided because I didn’t allow him home for xmas in 2015 that I was purposely going to ignore this behaviour until after Christmas Day to save myself a little heartache. So, 28th December we have a few words and I eventually say that if he isn’t ready and willing to go into recovery here and right now then just pack and leave – he said I’d already made my mind up and he left.
    Following day he text me at work and asked if he could return – I said no – get your recovery started. The day after that he turns up at my door while I’m getting ready for work. I turn him away but then rethink as he’s been driving 8 hours from His home in England (allegedly-I have a sneaky suspicion he stayed locally in a hotel and it was just a 2 day escape for him to drink) so I tell him to come back, go to bed and sleep while I go to work. He is on holiday for another week at this time.
    He went to an AA meeting that night and also the following day. It is now New Year’s Eve – I have my 2 grandchildren overnight, AH goes to get groceries – think I saw him stagger when he returned and other nuances confirm to me that he had some alcohol whilst out shopping.
    Next day, remorseful wants me to take control of his bank/credit cards etc. We get children ready and AH is to drive 20miles to collect his daughter. When they return to my home he is under influence and drove that way. Step daughter is emotional, he is sobbing and ashamed. Tried to get him into a detox but nothing much was happening as he wasn’t seen as a danger etc and only emergency services available until everything reopens properly in the new year.
    This next part is massive for me. He went to sleep and his daughter confided in me that during a foreign holiday 4 years ago (I didn’t go on this particular holiday as my daughter was due to give birth) she went to her room to get ready for eve meal and she saw my AH take a woman (who’d been drinking with him at the
    Pool bar earlier) back to his room – she confronted him and there was a bit of a scene but he told her he would phone me and explain it all.
    Naturally, for years she has believed him that he told me about his infidelity and that I had chosen to forgive him and move on – this was the very first I heard of it! I was really quite shocked but you may remember from my previous posts that he did set up a dating site profile a couple of years ago and also I found texts from a female around that time also.
    This for me is normally a deal breaker , unforgivable but sometimes I have a voice in my head telling me that these awful behaviours are a result of the addiction – it’s making it really hard for me to figure out how I’m feeling. I made him leave but didn’t tell him what his daughter told me so he thinks it’s all about the alcohol which it is as well – he has begun a serious program of recovery with AA and he sends me a message every Sunday with his weekly update/progress etc. He is on medication to quell the cravings and will be for a year. He thinks he has to do the recovery then after a substantial period of recovery under his belt we can have a discussion about reconciliation – I would have been agreeable to that had I not found out about the infidelity and I question that there is possibly even more that has not been witnessed/discovered.
    Strangely, I now feel as though I’m being deceitful as he is away doing the work and I am in possession of facts that he is completely unaware of – so messy.
    Sorry for the ramblings – I would really appreciate it If you were able to help me see things more clearly – it’s all a bit foggy from where I’m sitting at the moment. Ps he does know that this is an official / trial separation.
    Thank you.

    Forgot to add that this alleged infidelity took place 6 months into our marriage and was before I had even discovered his drinking addiction – so presumably things were well between us at the time argh!

  33. Donna and Felicia,

    I am happy that this article resonates with you. It’s hard to except responsibility for why things are occurring in our own lives but when you think of it that way then you can better understand how this is something That can be changed. sometimes having just a little bit of hope and seeing that someone else has been able to do it can be just a little push we need.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  34. I have been married to my husband George for 17 years. I realise that i have been lying to myself. He is an addict. He is in complete denial about this and thinks he controls the drug, but the drug is controlling him. He has normalised his drug binges, surrounding himself with other low life addicts. He seems to think it is ok and normal to go off on 3/4 day drug binges. He has been in prison 3 times during our marriage. Has been unfaithful to me and is moody, irritable and unpredicatable. He seems he struggles with it himself, trying to stay off the drugs, but every weekend, he cannot resist the lure of a drink. He never takes cocaine sober, but the minute he drinks 3 pints of larger he craves cocaine. He has been taking loads of time off work…blah blah blah. Sure that you have heard all this before. My problem is ME. Why do i stay? Why am i scared of leaving? Why do i think it is ok for him to verbally abuse me and abandon me and pay no attention to his children? Why do i still think that i love him? He doesnt deserve my love. You are right i do need to turn this in on myself and ask why i dont think i deserve more. Why i dont give myself the chance to start again, and maybe find a decent human being who will love and respect me? I need to change. Should i get counselling? Do i have low self esteem? do i think im not worthy of love? Any comments would be well received. thanks.

  35. I am in the process of trying to leave my addict fiance. We have only been together for 2 years but im still having a very hard time with this decision. It has affected more than just myself, it has affected my family members just as much. My fiance and his brother are both addicts and when they are together, it is a disaster. His younger brother overdosed and almost died on christmas eve this year and was brought back to the er just a few days ago for the same thing. One is a catalyst to the other.

    Just a few months ago, my fiance and i were fine. We both were working and had more than what we needed. We were living comfortable. He was sober and was doing great! Then his brother got out of jail and unravled all of the hard work my fiance had put into being sober in less than a week. They stole from me, i was lied to, and my feeling became more and more hurt. My family was concerned. The brother did go back to jail and the cycle began all over again.

    Fast forwarding to today, i am so fed up. I feel sick and want to cry all of the time. I am seeing a counselor and trying to seek help but the routes i am taking are not helping me. I am very fearful of what could happen and i dont know if i can mentally and emotionally deal with him overdosing whether we are together or not. I am having a hard time letting that go

    I know i am a good person. I love people and try to help anyone in any way that i can. I have a good job and work very hard to be happy. I know if i get out, i will be happy. I will be fine; im a fighter and it takes a lot to get me down. But the love i have for this man overrides my logic. I have never been to wishy washy in my life! I need guidance and support. Do you have any suggestions? I have contemplated calling my fiances probation officer to report his drug usage (they are very slack on drug testing) but i cant bring myself to dial the number even though i know its whats best for him. I dont even have solid proof at the moment that hes using! He hides everything so well. But i get calls on a daily basis because he uses me as an excuse or a pawn to get money from my family, and i cannot enable him any longer. I thought i was helping, but im doing the exact opposite.

  36. Been a little over 3 years with this person and I know I have to get out! Love him to death but don’t know him anymore and not sure if I ever did. I wasn’t asked if I wanted to be with an addict and yes I have problems myself. This article rings so true for me it’s scary. ..

  37. Sue,
    Perhaps the saddest thing to watch is a person destroy their own life slowly, especially a person you love and the father of your children. So you are well aware that you need to get out of the situation. I think it would be best for you. Is there anyone who can help you out temporarily until you can start making money? I would do whatever it took to get out of there because although he is appreciative, you have to watch a person be high and depressed all day. Watching him suffer and knowing he doesn’t have to is a difficult situation. You can offer that he go for help and you can support his business while he is away but staying there while he is using is not helping him or you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  38. John,
    I get goosebumbs as I read your words. Both because it is such a sad state of affairs and because I too, have been in the same situation. What I would suggest, if this post is not too late is to let her go. You need to focus on you and those children who should not have to witness their mother in and out of addiction. I know you fear losing everything so now is the time to enlist friends and family and any support you can find go help you through this time until you can find a job and get your feel on the ground once again. She will not change if you keep letting her come back over and over again. She may not change even if you don’t, but at least you will be able to find some peace and sanity with your children who so desparately need you right now. Not the you who is distracted by their mother’s addiction but the father that can actually focus on being a good father.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  39. I divorced my exhusband because his using drove me insane. We have been divorced 7 years. Have two kids in college. I have been financially dependent on him until last year. I moved out of state and supported myself. Then. My job was cut and I couldn’t seem to secure another one. My ex offered to take me in back in my home state. So I left and came back to his 2 bedroom apt. He has been using for the last year and was really bad when I returned. I have been home 3 months and he doesn’t stop . We all 3 need his financial support. He is barrly able to keep the business going. He has no program now. He is desperately lonely and seems physically frail and weak. I Just got two job offers back where I was in Florida. I don’t know what to do. He says he won’t pay to relocate me now. I keep wondering if he will get clean? After all these years I still wonder. I feel like a misplaced person. He needs to be able to provide for the kids and wants to but keeps using. He thanks me a million times for being here so he’s not so alone. I have Alanon and a therapist. So confused and sad. Very depressing to watch

  40. Help! I lost my job six months ago and now my wife is the breadwinner. We own a house and we have two children. She is now an active addict once again after being sober for 13 years. She refuses to get help. Somehow she has managed to hang onto her job but as of tonight, in writing this, she is out on the street using cocaine, heroin and alcohol. I am so sick and tired of this. I have known her for 27 years and it’s been on and off with this dreaded disease. I’ve reached the end but I don’t know what to do because I’m afraid we’re going to lose The house and I’ll have nowhere to put my children. I decided to write to you because she has been texting me over the last half an hour and I have not answered her. It’s always the same. She always asked to come back and somehow I always let her back in but this time I feel I can’t. It’s killing me what this is doing to our 11 and five-year-old boys. They have anxiety and they are confused. The biggest question I have is do I let her back in the house or not? I am scared for her well-being her she is in attractive woman and is now a sheep out there among the wolves.

  41. Anna J,
    Are you worth it? Do you believe that this in the only way? In your gut do you think he will change? You have to answer those questions because I can show you that there is absolutely another way filled with hope, love, inspiration and happiness but you have to do the work. YOu have to let go and deal with the pain before it gets better but it does. It will absolutely get better but you have to commit to yourself, your health and happiness like you commit to helping him with his life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  42. Salan,
    I respect your opinion.
    Thank you for sharing that but my concern is with the person that is not the addict and is suffering. When a person comes to me and tells me that they have had enough, I help them get out because they think it is time. I was married to an addict with a child for 12 years, 7 years later, he is still an addict, in and out of rehabs. That was not the life I wanted and I empower people to live the lives they want, especially if they are falling apart because of another person’s addiction. You have to see the story from another person’s shoes.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  43. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m going through a break up with an addict, and I never knew it would be this hard. Before I met him, I was social, strong, motivated, and had a bright outlook on life. He has been on so many different drugs, and in three years, he put me above all of them. I provided a home, got him his own phone, a truck, several jobs, went to AA with him, bailed him out of jail, kept him out of prison, got back so much pawned stuff. He walked out of two rehabs and is now being forced into one. I’m a person with a massive heart and so much love for people. When we met, things were amazing. Then things got back soon after. For three years, I fought in his corner. He says “you’re my only friend”, “you’re all I have”, “I want to have kids with you”, “you’re amazing”, “I’d be homeless without you”, “I treat you like the roommate I can barely stand”, “this isn’t a big deal, it’s how things are where I’m from”, and “it’s everyone else’s fault”. (Just a wide range of things that he knows can tear me down). I have bi-polar depression and a rage disorder that I’ve been working on for almost 8 years to get better from, so needless to say, this all has taken a toll on me. I feel so guilty. I hate the thought of him being homeless, in prison, or dead from a number of things. I don’t know how to shake the feeling, but I’m terrified. I can’t eat or sleep. I still love him with all of my heart, but I know I can’t do this. How do I move on from this?? He knows exactly how to pull at my heartstrings and turn me into a cry, sobbing, pathetic mess. I’m just horribly filled with so much guilt.

  44. You have like 20 of almost the same article of how you can never trust an addict and how you should leave them. I know a ton of people who have overcome their addictions and their relationship couldn’t be better. Your articles can cloud someone’s mind and the other person who is already struggling your basically saying screw them and only think if yourself. Have you ever been in this situation. Have you looked into situations where people have pulled through. I’m just wondering. Poeple with the addictions are already at the brink of wanting to kill themselfs cause they feel worthless and a failure cause they can never stop dissappointing someone they love

  45. Andrew,
    I have been where you are and I understand your pain and reluctence to let go. This has to be your decision and come from you so I won’t tell you to move on but I can tell you that you have choices of whether or not you want to maintain a relationship with an addict. She needs help, more help than you can give her. She needs time away and time to get sober and back track to why she uses in the first place. She needs to recover without any pressure and that is hard to do for you and for her. If you want to stick it out I would recommend letting her know that you will not go on this way and that she has to get professional help, inpatient rehab, counseling and follow up with the tools and skills she needs to learn to stay sober.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  46. Hopeful,
    Please read Hope Street. I need you to understand the dynamics of addiction and just what you are getting into. There are no guarantees that he will ever get clean or if he does he will ever stay clean. I left my addict and couldn’t think of anyone else, so we reunited and he was “sober.” This game lasted 12 years through marriage and a child. I hope you read the other articles I have here, the other stories and most importantly Hope Street. I think if you take the blinders off, you will have your answer.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  47. Stephanie,
    Click on my name, Amanda Andruzzi, next to my picture and all of my articles will appear. I am glad they have helped you feel understood, that is the reason I write. That was the sole purpose for writing my memoir, Hope Street. If you have read it, you will feel completely understood and you will know that there is so much hope and so much learning and growing from this experience. You WILL be better off someday and you don’t have to see it right now, you just have to believe it. I have lived it and I hope you know I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  48. Dear Amanda,
    so glad i have found your blog . I have been married to an alcoholic for 25 years but the last 8 have been really difficult. Not got phsically abusive but emotionally and financially exhausting. I know I have to leave but I have two children and I am not working so I find the whole thing very overwhelming. I am 52 and not worked for 15 years since i had children. I am working on a new business venture now so got to wait at least for that and most of the house which is in both our names is mortgaged. So , if I left, we would have nothing . I just don’t know how to untangle myself and are worried and feel totally trapped.

  49. My story is long so I’ll try to condense it. I’ve had a hell of a life and one of my bad decisions was staying with my heroin/meth addict boyfriend even when we were homeless for three months and he emotionally manipulated and abused me.
    Worse thing was i let it happen twice. First time I followed him to hell I watched and went because I was terrified he’d die if I abandoned him, he has told me I had saved his life through that period regardless.
    I got him home after me and his parents trapped him. He stayed home for a month before getting kicked out for letting them know he planned on us moving to Florida in a couple months. They decided to hate me entirely because he’d hidden some heroin in my car and gotten it out after two weeks of being home. I enabled him by letting him use my car and understandably they despise me. But because they blame me I feel immense guilt for things I’m not guilty of as they’re telling everyone I bought him drugs. They’d take our kids if we went through getting married even if he stayed clean.
    He’s home again, is getting sent to Maine and we’re not supposed to see each other we barely do and it’s very stressful if we try. He’s been clean and he’s been very depressed saying it’s because he misses me.
    During that homeless drug usage, I was manipulated, used, and emotionally abused no surprise being with an addict.
    He desperately wants to keep me even when he goes to Maine, I’ve promised to stay by him countless times, but I’m terrified and my feelings for him go from love to hate multiple times a day and I know that any sane person would run the other way.
    But I’ve stayed, and I’ve wanted to leave and I’m barely hanging on. Everyone’s told me to leave, but he’s my best friend. We were best friends before dating, and now that we’re dating and he’s broken every trust I have no idea what to do because when he is sober he loves me more than anything. He treats me like a queen; no one ever has and I don’t know if it ever will happen again. I adore him and want my sober Brendan back but I won’t go into it again. We’ve both taken turns destroying each other. What do I do? He’s clean now, he is going to a whole other state where he has no connections or bad influences, and he wants to stay clean but doesn’t have enough growth to be completely stable. I have no idea if this will be the last time. I’m leaning towards no but I have no idea where he’ll be while he’s gone.
    He wants me there but I can’t go to Maine I just got safe.
    Between the promises, our investments and the fact we’re best friends is tearing me apart. What do I do?

  50. I’ve been with my fiance going on 3 years now, we’ve been battling her drug addiction for two of them. There have seemed to have been a few sober times, but something always seems to pull her back. It started will pills and from evidence I’ve seen, moved to heroine. Today would mark 2 weeks sober, but I found to spent bags in her purse last night, when confronted she said that they were old and found while cleaning the house which was indeed previously occupied by an addict. I do have self confidence and know that I could be myself or even start a new relationship with someone else, so fear of either of those two scenarios is non-existent. We do however have a beautiful blended family, her bringing 3 wonderful children to the fold and myself bringing two. Our children are as close to each other as blood and I see her children as my own and my children, ignorant of her addiction, she her as a second mother. I do love her so very much and I do not want a life without her, but I can feel myself decaying from the inside out. She tells me that she wants to beat her addiction and be normal again, but she is very hesitant and sometimes argumentative when the idea of medical treatment is discussed. I thought, and hoped and prayed, that she was indeed strong enough to conquer the addiction with nothing more than my love and support, but I know now that this was nothing more than a childish wish. I’m not ready to give up on her, but as the days pass and few signs of headway appear and get taken away much faster then they present, I’m afraid that it may be time. Please offer some advice, I’m so lost at this point and the tangled web of emotions is turning my once warm heart slowly to ice.

  51. My ex boyfriend broke up with me 7 months ago after admitting he had a problem with cocaine use and knowing I wouldn’t put up with it. I really struggled with the breakup… This was the man I had thought I was going to marry… Our relationship was perfect in every other way. He’d been very honest the whole time (I thought he used recreationally) but the frequency started to increase towards the end of the relationship. 6 weeks ago he contacted me telling me he had been clean for a month and was keen to reconnect but just three days later he relapsed and disappointed in himself told me he needed to sort himself out before we could be together, that he didn’t want to hurt/disappoint me anymore. I guess I’m just wondering what are the chances of him cleaning himself up for good? Do I wait for him or do I just try and move on. I have in the past but find I constantly think of him and compare anyone I meet to him (and they never seem to compare). I truely believe he wants to quit and he wants to be together but it’s just so frustrating cause he’s just not there yet. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  52. I can not believe there are so many people out there that have experienced things so similar to what Ive been going through with my (soon to be ex) husband!
    I just found your blogs and have read everything there is to click on. It’s as if you’ve had a window into my life for the past few years.
    My husband was like a prince to me. He even told me the hard truth that he “had” a problem with addiction when we first started dating 5 years ago. I should have seen the signs and left a long time ago but this is my first experience with any time of real life drug abuse. (Ive been sheltered from drugs, alcoholism, abuabusand basically all negativity my entire life.)
    On our wedding day he took me to his “friends” house and told me to ask if they would “give” him a free hit as a wedding present! I should have run screaming then but I still didn’t realize the depth of the problem.
    My husband praised me for my patience, help, support, love and called me his angel. Then a minute later I was a no good, goody goody who would never understand how “I” was the reason he used and everything was all my fault because he could never live up to my standards. I was working 2 jobs and caring for him and my 2 children while he ran the streets all day in my vehicle and on my dime. This went on with ups and downs in our relationship for almost 5 years. Finally I realized I couldn’t take anymore. I found out hes been stealing jewelry, family heirlooms and even my vehicle from me. Hes been lying about everything, even small insignificant things.
    Now he is suicidal because I left him and filed for divorce. My attorney says a suicidal person almost always has homicidal thoughts and since he has lost his job, wrecked his vehicle, lost his child, me and my children he has nothing else to lose and may hurt me or my family. Im literally afraid for my life from a man I thought was the answer to my stupid little girl prayers once upon a time. He blames me for all of his losses and expects me to GIVE him a vehicle since he wrecked his.
    I have a protective/ restraining order against him contacting me, my employer and my children. I live in fear, keep my doors locked at all times (day and night) and have asked my local PD to increase their patrol in my neighborhood.
    Im going through a myriad of emotions that i have little control over. I know, I ABSOLUTELY KNOW, that I am not to blame but the feelings of hurt, loneliness, emptiness and heartache are all swirling inside me. I don’t know what to do or how to live.
    I have a small family to count on but no friends as he made it difficult for me to keep friends. I feel like Im going through this alone while he gets to sit around and get high and find himself a new “duck” to enable him. I gave all the love I had in me to this man I thought was my prince charming and now Im left with a broken heart and the bills he left behind in my name! Im just at a loss and the heartache is actually physical pains in my chest and my stomach, palpitations just thinking about how my marriage and my life have done a complete 180. Its like a living never-ending nightmare!!!

  53. Kathy,
    It is amazing how things fall into your lap when you are open to them. Life gives you what you are looking for when you become awake. You will learn to heal and recover but part of this process is learning why you would be in this type of relationship in the first place. You are independent, so it could be for so many reasons like; you are a caretaker, are reliving a past relationship, fear of abandonment, but these are things you must delve deeper into so that you can heal and not create the same patterns. A skilled therapist can help you uncover this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  54. Hummer,
    I have one bit of advice for you because until you are done, you will keep going back. You have to listen to your gut, your inner voice that you know is not lying to you, the voice we ignore to do what our hearts want instead of what we know is real. What do you think? What is your gut telling you about this man, this marriage? Take out your love and emotion and just look at the other factors and what you would tell a friend in this situation.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  55. I am currently going through the same thing….I love an addict but currently decided to let him go! He will dissappear every few weeks to go party and then spend another 4-5 days in a deep depression talking to no one and doin nothing! I have every one of those fears but currently have resigned to the fact that the problem isn’t me! I own my own home work a great business and raise two kids all by my myself. Thankfully we don’t live together!! He has an excuse for everything and it’s always someone else’s problem and because he isn’t an every day user he’s doesn’t look at himself having a problem. What I see is that every behavior he displays all stems from drug abuse. From the mood swings, horrible sleep patterns and depression from not having any money to isolating himself from everyone all stems from his drug abuse. He’s in denial and I just don’t see any future for us….I will always love him and for some reason we seem to love addicts more (haven’t figured that part out yet) but I’m ready to move on! This is a first time seperation for us with no contact and the anxiety I was feeling is incredibly less but it feels good!! I pray for him and I hope he finds salvation!! God bless anyone who loves anyone with addiction problems. It’s a tough road but I’m proof life does go on!! Thx for This article….seems lately I’m seeing lots of stuff when I need it the most!!

  56. Thank you Amanda, you are right of course I have to decide if and when I get off this roller coaster. These behaviours are definitely deal breakers, I was just wondering if now that he has a recovery programme would these behaviours change and improve – are they him or are they the addict?
    Also, we’ve been apart for almost 3 weeks now and we are supposed to be moving into a new apartment on 15 July (close to where he works – would be my second home as I have my apartment 400 miles away) I’m a bit scared of going back and finding myself back and also scared of not seeing what recovery looks like? I’m not sure if I have enough love left for him to find out – should I play safe or forge ahead now that I’m out – these are the questions I have spinning around my head.
    I’m very grateful for your feedback.

  57. Hummer,
    It is up to you how much more of this you want to take but if this is his behavior then this is who he is. An alcoholic, maybe active, maybe not, resentful, angry and controlling. You have to face the man for who he is and realize that although you may love him, these are the things that go along with being married to him and decide whether these things are deal breakers.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  58. Lej,
    Please seek help for you, regardless of what he says. This is more about you because if you cared about yourself you would not be in this situation and be tolerating this man. Your past is something I am sorry for but just because it happened does not mean you cannot seek treatment. There are great ways for you to get better and stop smoking weed. Seeking a therapist and a psychiatrist who can offer you cognitive behavioral therapy and other medications to get you into a better state might be necessary because you are addicted to this drug and this man. Don’t just give up because that is what you are doing and life is passing you by. Things can get much better but you need help and you need to get away from someone who is obviously toxic, addicted and not good to you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  59. Amanda – I posted the below message on the wrong forum – just found all of our previous correspondence over here)

    Hi Amanda, It’s been 3 months since my last post. I feel overwhelmed and in need of advice and guidance. You may remember that my marriage is rocky due to husbands alcohol addiction and us living apart every other week. Since December when he announced that he would no longer drink – due to that being my boundary – I have strong suspicions that he maybe didn’t drink for the first 3 months and then the moods and catalogue of gripes returned and I’ve also suspected that I can detect in his voice that he’s been drinking over the telephone. Other times he has avoided calls and other times when I have collected him at airport recently I have smelled a strong smell of stale booze and blurry eyes. This ties in with his recent dark mood. He travelled the 400 miles north last Friday, his 18 year old daughter also arrived to stay the night with us. Friday and Saturday were both ok. On the Saturday afternoon I suggested a walk near the river and a cold drink at a nearby hotel garden. We did this and I ordered a soft drink for him and as I didn’t feel like anything fizzy I order myself a water with ice and lemon (there’s a reason I’m giving so much detail) afterwards we were both very hungry so headed home to make dinner. All seemed OK. Earlyish night as We were travelling to another town 100 miles away Sunday to attend a memorial service for my teenage nephew who passed away in February of this year. Plans had been in place for a while. We had plenty of time Sunday morn so I suggested a walk before the journey. We did so and I could definitely detect a change in mood, we walk around with a heavy feeling no holding hands because I didn’t initiate it like I did the day before. I think maybe the mood is to do with it being Father’s Day and 2 of his 3 daughters didn’t send him a card as they have all fallen out again so I try not to be too harsh about the mood. We collect my daughter and grandson at noon and travel the 100 miles all the while the mood getting more noticeable (I’m beginning to think this mood may be because he wants to drink having been a few days sober in my company?). Anyway, we attend the memorial I’m still trying to keep conversation going – for my daughters sake mostly as don’t want her picking up and suffering coz of his mood. We have two adjoining hotel rooms for the night, one for us and the other for daughter and son. I won’t be seeing my husband for 3 weeks as I’m going away abroad with all the ladies in my family for my mums 60th birthday then have to work a week on my return – not ideal to not see one another for 3 weeks but can’t be helped and I had arranged to spend a full two weeks together next time I see him. I offered for us to go out for a meal together on Sunday night – he said he didn’t mind. I suggested an alternative of takeaway and enjoy nice hotel rooms and weather was awful too. He said for me to. Choose as he didn’t mind either way. I could tell he did mind as the mood was still there. We got takeaway, my daughter put baby to bed and the 3 of us ate the food. At 10pm my daughter went out for a few hours with our young nieces as they aren’t in the same town very often. I left the adjoining door open to listen out for baby – no big deal! I should mention here that my husband and I are in process of buying an apartment down south where his workplace is so we have a more comfortable base down there and we have my apartment up north. On the Monday husband left early for long drive south to work and daughter and I took a train 100 miles other direction back to our homes. I text and thanked him for arranging the hotels and for the takeaways the previous night. He responded b saying that I was welcome but his generosity was going to be reduced in the future – he is sick of everyone allowing him to pay for everything all of the time – I reminded him that I had offered to buy the food. He is still bitter about his sister and her husband dodging restaurant bills every time we meet but seemed unreasonable to extend this to me, his wife and my daughter. I told him I wouldn’t be accepting any more meals for my family in future. I also told him to get whatever off his chest as there was very obviously something as his mood was very difficult to deal with all of the previous day and eve. To cut long story short, whenever there is this mood I know that in a day or two I will hear a catalogue of gripes – mostly about me. He complained that the day out on Sunday had been changed without any thought of his feelings. Wanted a beach walk but we didn’t have time. Complained about the amount of driving to attend the memorial football match (it was a long drive for him to be fair) I offered to drive the part in between our town and the place where match was taking place but he declined offer. Complained that he didn’t get to play in goals for a short time during the match as he wanted to pay his respects – I told him I put his request forward but had no hand in the organisation of the event so couldn’t do anything about that. Said that I had been trying to provoke him into an argument for past two weeks. Said I complained about time taken to arrange mortgage – it has been a lengthy complicated procedure but I never blamed him – was just frustrated that we had a moving day set etc. Complained that we didn’t go out for a meal on the Sunday eve…!!!! I offered several times. He said that a meal would have been good for us instead of the pressure to get back to hotel to babysit – that wasn’t how it was at all – my daughter only went out because we didn’t. Complained that I drank water when we went for walk on Saturday afternoon – said it wasn’t a great incentive for us to stay out an have another… I explained that we could have stayed out however long he’d wanted my choice of drink shouldn’t be the deciding factor, I remember us leaving because we both felt hungry and wanted to have meal at home. Complained he has high levels of stree due to work, mortgage, relationship with his daughters and our marriage. He also seemed upset that other members of my family hadn’t made effort to go to the memorial event when he has travelled so far – not sure why this bothers him it wasn’t our do. Said he’d heard us discussing my daughters ex’s drug use in a negative way while not mentioning that my sister uses recreational drugs – again not sure what this has to do with anything. I told him I was demented with all of this crap and that I was heading off to see my counsellor. He told me he thought counselling was a good idea for me and that he’d get a solicitor to deal with this from now on!! I did see my counsellor on Monday eve and plan to see her in two weeks after her holiday. Tuesday morning he text some other nonsense and I said I wasn’t getting into a text argument. The next text I received was sent to me and our tenant who lives in the property he owns saying that the rental (that has been paid into my account since Feb this year and I feel has been a source of resentment for him) to be paid to his pension pot with immediate effect – this really struck me as a low blow. I only have a part time wage due to me to-ing and fro-ing between my town and work place and his every other week. He seems to want to punish or control or something. I feel sad and really tired of it all. I’m going away for mums 60th tomorrow and I didn’t want to feel this stressed. I’m sure we are heading for divorce now as I can’t see me doing this forever. I’m dreading if he starts to beg and plead for us to remain together like he did back in December because I find that so difficult. I have (had) financial security, nice holidays, no money worries but it was obvious that he didn’t like me receiving the rental – it was cast up several times. Now he has all his big wages and rental etc and I have my part time wage which isn’t much but I can survive on it. Just another thing I need to share. In April he bombarded me with requests for phone sex back and naked pictures – despite me telling him that I am not comfortable with it all – he even asked me to go to toilet in my work place and wouldn’t stop the bombardment, I got back to my desk to several messages and pics of his penis etc I felt thoroughly sickened. He had been away on business for 9 days and didn’t get any chances to call me during that time but his first night and following day back in uk he started all of this – we hadn’t even had a normal conversation. Ps he also said that he could tell I did not want him to touch me last time we were together and that I hadn’t put a drink in the fridge to cool for him after his long journey, like I normally do – all signs that I have stopped caring and am taking him for granted. He didn’t mention the wardrobe full of ironed shirts I had done for him before I left or the large sums of money I saved him just last week by taking the time to phone round for solicitors fees and house insurance quotes etc – I don’t want praise for any of this but all the good stuff goes unnoticed and he picks up on the negatives only. He has agreed that he probably has become a dry drunk and has sought meetings with an ex addict who now counsels people and also signed up for addiction counselling starting week of 4th July – up until now since last December he has abstained only – should I wait to see what recovery alongside abstinence looks like?

  60. Hi there my name is Lej
    I smoke weed due to post traumatic stress during War in Bosnia during age 12-16. I was 16 when moved to Sydney with a lot of cultural issue found weed helps even tried antidepressant but nearly killed me you see I am very hypoactive and like a cone or two sometimes more depends on situation
    Now I am 38 dating a 32 yr old whom has been smoking Ice last 17 yrs and think he is God I can never get point across I use to think it was just for fun but slowly realized he needs it to function
    Now problem is he is a rapper good one must say but has this life where he think I have come in and fuked it due to me trying to have normal relationship and we all know what that is,few dates I don’t know bitches need to be taken out!! – so this is what happens he has his nights with boys I go do my thing but when it’s my time he is tired has to do something else and cause we live together I should be greatfull he doesn’t cheat and that his mates come to the house (recording studio) so problem is it’s been this circle of toxic shot I work as hairdresser cause we don’t do nothing I just smoke weed a do try fight for my right to be treated like women again occasional date even tho I smoke weed I was always social .i worked full time had studi apartment bought new car I lived smal cheap happy life it was mine He makes out weed has made me a hermit
    He has and cause he thick as shit doesn’t see it I tried leaving 3 times belted the fuk out of me black and blue than later cried , tells me loves the fuk out of me bla bla and than again starts rembering shit and tells me I deserved it. He thinks he is smartest man out there and I should be proud
    Of what in two years none of my friends have seen us together we have 3 photos together
    Now I know I have become stoner but I feel I need to exit this place to get better
    I asked to go see cousellor together he doesn’t think he has problem
    Now I want to leave period and he making me feel guilty that my antisocial behavior has made his friends scared of me all I wanted my man to take me out and do something else 2 years never been on holiday or gone dancing or celebrated anything of any kind but now he feels he is a has been and I haven’t help
    So it’s my fault
    I hope to god whom ever reads this makes sense
    Pls help my soul feels trapped

  61. Hummer,
    I am so glad that I was able to help in any way. I am glad you are in a better place and that you are doing things that are good for you, the aim was to work on you. Do not allow him to make you feel small or guilty because you are trying to make yourself better. Have you heard of the term dry drunk? Just because he is not drinking does not mean that he has become a healthy person with a healthy attitude, he would need treatment and therapy to understand why he drank in the first place. My advice is be who you are and continue to better yourself in any way you choose. If he has issues with that those are his own insecurities and attempt to keep you where he is at. When a partner starts to become enlightened he could fear you will outgrow him or realize there is better out there for you. Don’t let his attitude or obscurities stop your growth.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  62. Erica,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have been through great ordeal. It sounds like you are at your breaking point. We all come to a point where we realize that this is killing us. His addiction has become your addiction because you become more invested in the outcome of his life than your own. I am really glad to hear that you are sober and I believe that you are a very strong person but there is a point where you can say that you deserve to be happy. This situation is not healthy for you and I know from personal experience that even though we know the situation is bad for us we do not leave. Until you figure out, after all you have been through, why you would allow this to go on for so long, you will never be free. You need to focus on you, your recovery, your happiness, and your emotional health and allow him to hit his rock bottom which might be very different for him than you expect. This is about you, your life, so take the focus off of him because we can’t save anyone else. Please read Hope Street because it will help you see things from a different angle. Keep me posted, I am here to help.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  63. Dear Amanda,
    You helped me a lot back in December 2015 when I was considering leaving my marriage to my highly functioning alcohol addicted husband. During these past 3 months we’ve had ups and downs but this week marked 100 days alcohol free for my husband. Mostly our marriage can be good – more so when we spend time together – due to work we don’t see each other every week and sometime this can cause resentment on my husband’s part and he will cause arguments about this whereas I just get on with it. He thinks he loves me more, misses me more etc despite me sticking by him these past difficult years. So, I am happy with his progress and I have received some counselling of my own and I’m currently subscribed to a conscious transitions ecourse which is helping me with the fear barriers – fear of him failing, fear of not being able to trust him fully again and fear of wasting too much time trying to make things right! One thing bothers me though, when I told my husband I had signed up for the course he was quite defensive saying things like “what’s the problem now?” And questioning why I have to do the course – I explained that the course was work on myself but a full blown text argument ensued (we were in different parts of the world at the time) and a few days silence afterwards – probably my choosing as I was sick and tired of the massive fuss over nothing! During our argument he cast up things I’d done to offend him in the past (things I had already apologised for and happened several years ago) and he also said that I had put him on the spot in December when I told him to choose alcohol or me – alarm bells rang in my head when he said that although he continues to state that he gave up alcohol of his own free will etc – we are currently spending the best part of 3 weeks together (Easter hols) and it’s going well. I suppose we just continue to see if things continue to improve but I’d really appreciate your views and feedback on my update. Thank you.

  64. Amanda I am going to buy your book. I have been to hell with my now ex fiance we have a 4 month baby boy and life’s been one big heartache with my ex. I’ve made him do countless rehabs, he’s went on his own a couple times,he’s been sanctioned in jail he was put in drug court but he can’t stay clean. He is a heroin addict and I’m in recovery over a year my self. I get how hard addiction is but I don’t see how he hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s back living on the streets and surviving off stolen credit cards. I forgave him for so many hurtful things stealing cheating the list goes on I blame everything on his addiction. I stayed for the years that I did because I believed we could prove everyone wrong and he’s also a manipulator. I would find things and he could lie about it and make me believe him even though its right in my face black and white. I had fear that he will die without me for so long so I always stayed. Now I am done he’s threatened to leave state but I know his demons will catch up I hope and pray he’s OK and will seek help people are dropping where we live and I’m scared for him.

  65. Kathy, Allison, Wendy & Diana,
    You all have something in common, you are in love with an addict but it does not serve you. You are not happy, fulfilled and are ful of sadness and anger. Someone who had self-love and a great sense of self worth would move on but you have to ask yourselves why you stay and endure this? It is not for what you are receiving but for the hope of what you could receive in the future if only he gets clean. I am sure you have all tried and given it everything to help and you are still here. The only thing you can change is you and you have to stop putting all of your hopes on him, put the responsibility on yourself because you are the only one who can control that. We all have our weaknesses and you are human. You love him and are a co-addict but you have to take the steps towards letting go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  66. My common law spouse who lived with me for 3 years who i showed him every single day how much i Loved him! His behavior & tempet was so drastic, when he d disappear for hours or not come home at all he d always have some story as to why he had glassy eyes or dilated pupils alot! & seem very distant and zoned out! Lying , was constantly happening ….his phone was lit up like a Xmas tree with messages constantly at all hours of the day, he always told me he was talking to his Mom, step son or daughter , but then calls were coming in at 3:00am in the morning which I answered asking to talk to him that she was a lesbian and wanted to party , like wtf, ? I confronted him and he said he met her one night when he was gambling I asked why would he have a # of some random girl ? He said just a girl he met im like are you cheating on me? He made her phone me back and said norhing was going on! She just wanted to party??, But why why do this all just so heart wrenching! which I learned after because he had a coke supply for her to get & probably has been dealing the drugs too…how can someone lie so so much to the very person that loved him so much! I found out as more lies about who he’s spending his time with all drug addicts and some strange girl all along telling me he loves me than found him strung right out and with her? I kicked him out of my house and just kept checking up on things to only find out she is staying with him all the time, probably another girl to do drugs with and not hold him accountable for anything ! We planned to get married by a house together, & told me he never loved anyone before more than he loves me than how could he do this to me? I have tried to understand this I just don’t? Any insight you could share I would greatly appreciate, thank you!

  67. I’m bawling my eyes out in bed as I write this. My boyfriend of 7 years is addicted to heroin. He just came home a month ago from rehab, and unfortunately I believe he is using again. This was his last chance, our last chance. I’ve been dealing with his addiction for the past 4-5 years, and I just can’t do it anymore. As much as I understand addiction, and I know it’s not that he doesn’t love me, it just hurts so much knowing I have to walk away. His family doesn’t help him, I am the only one who truly helps him try to beat the addiction, and I know if I leave he has Noone. I deserve better, I am just going to miss him so much. Suffering from a broken heart ?

  68. Reading yuir story sounds like I could have written it myself. I have two kids, a great job, my own home and support myself 100% but I’m in love with an addict. He does not live with me, we tried that on e and bc of my children i made him go! He has his own place and although not an everyday user his behavior and mood swings are that of typical addicts. I don’t go to support groups, just not my thing and I talk to no one…my family and friends would freak! I can fake a smile like nobody’s business and no one is the wiser about what i go though. I contemplate leaving and when he’s gone on a binge I am so much stronger….I utterly fail when he’s in the sorrowful, remorseful phase and when I cath those rare glimpses of the real man hiding inside I let myself get hopeful. I know it sounds cliche but I have loved this man since high school and we have a great connection ihave never felt with anyone but for the love of god I don’t wanna do this another 15 years and I struggle with leaving….all those fears u spoke of in the article are like I wrote them and honestly I don’t know why I stay! I’m a healthy attractive well to do single mom but the flip side of me is some codependent ass….in my mind I know what I need to do but I’m still waiting for my heart to catch up!

  69. Amanda, I am very grateful for this blog and your own personal story of hope and a new, healthy future. I’m hopeful it’s not too late for me! I’ll continue to keep up with the blog. Thanks again.

  70. Leslie,

    You are on the road to a happy life becaus you are finally awake. It took something drastic to happen but that is okay. Don’t look back, keep moving forward. It took me 12 years and I was 31 with a child but my life was only beginning. I am happily remarried with two more children and my life doesn’t look anything like my past. I am grateful everyday for how the experience changed me and allowed me to help others with this blog and my book.
    You have a great road ahead of you, even if it’s rocky at times, you will see it through and keep moving forward.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  71. I’m ashamed to say I dated an addict on and off for 14 years. I was 18 then and now 32. He started using cocaine about 10 years ago. He lied, cheated, belittled me when were alone, and also in front of people.

    Deep down i knew I cou do better, but there was a manipulative charm to him. Everytime he’d call, I’d jump and hurry over to him. He made me feel so good about myself, pamper me, cook (he was a chef in his past life), and the next day put me down. I’m horrified to even admit this, but I really only enjoyed being around him when he was high. The rest of the time he’d sleep, act like a jerk, and blame me for everything. He’d ask me for money, and even though I couldn’t really afford to give it to him, I did so anyway.

    The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he “took”(stole) a firearm I keep at my house. For about a week I kept asking where it was. Finally, a mutual friend called me told me he had a drug debt and used it to pay it off. It was at that point I called the police to call it in stolen. A very kind officer took the time to listen to the situation, and suggested I get a no-contact order against him, because it had now become a criminal situation, even though it had already been one. This all happened 2 months ago.

    I got the order, came home, and just cried. It was then that I actually realized it was the first time in about 14 years I stood up for myself, and stopped tolerating his behavior. More importantly, it was the first step to a new life for myself. It took him stealing my property to get HIS drug for me to admit it was in truly a toxic situation. How stupid was I?

    Now I’m over 30, never married, no kids like I’ve always wanted. I’m in debt, don’t have much of anything, but I have finally realized there’s hope for healthy future. I’m starting therapy, and trying to make friends – I have none because either they didn’t like them, or my life was so centered around his every need.

    While a part of me misses him, big time, a bigger part of me is hopeful for a better future for myself. I do still care about what may happen to him, but am finally realizing I’m not responsible. Doing my best to live and let go.

  72. Juliet,
    You have a way out. You are the answer. You can get out of this but first you have to make the commitment to do so. The fear will always be a reason to hold you back but what we should fear more is what will happen if we stay, what more devastation we will experience. How much more hurt do you want to endure until you realize this is not your battle to fight, it is his. You need to take care of yourself and worry about your happiness and let him deal with his problems. Stop enabling him by letting him back in after his binges because unless you want them to continue, you have to actually leave. I did this dance for 12 years and never really left until one day I had to. Figure out when that day will be for you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  73. Michelle,
    Please understand that the behavior he is exhibiting is typical for addicts. He cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone. He is sick and you have stood by him and there is a point where you need to let go. Even though you love someone, they may not be the best thing for you. You deserve to be happy and life with an addict is not conducive to that. He has spent more than half of his adult life using substances to deal with depression and other issues and unless something drastic happens and he realizes it is the drug or him, then he may not likely walk into recovery. You just have to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to wait for him to take that step and take that chance that he doesn’t. You should not feel bad that you want to stop putting his problems above your happiness. It hurts now but it hurts less in time and then you give yourself a real chance at happiness and a healthy relationship. The longer you stay, the more toxic you become. I also spent 12 years with my ex-husband and by the end I didn’t think I had anything left. It felt like he beat me. That is why I wrote Hope Street. I wanted to show others that there is still more to come.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  74. When I read your articles I had been searching the internet for anything that explained in some way my situation. My partner of 5 years is an addict and relapses regularly every 2 or 3 months. He is then capable of reverting back to a nearly ‘normal’ existence. When he relapses it isn’t just a drunken binge or a drug induced coma, instead he ended up nearly dead last time and this time he faces prison. He is still absent…who knows where…doing who knows what and I am spending every minute thinking about it. My life feels like it is draining away. I want to stop it all but I’m scared because of all the reasons you describe. I feel that as bad as it is it is still better to be with him than without. I don’t know what to do. Went to al anon for the first time last night. It was useful but I still came home alone with my thoughts. So horrible. Feel like I have no way out of this.

  75. Amanda,

    I discovered this website after leaving my boyfriend of 12-13 years. I am 35, I left him today because yesterday, I came home from work and he was intoxicated. he was supposed to be at work. He was confused because he thought it was Saturday, their was a water bottle of vodka and another cup of vodka mixed with tea. His drinking and lying has only increased in the last year. In the last year he has been sent home from work because of his behavior, slept his days away, and finally it got so bad I had to call the ambulance. That was when it came out that he was 5 times over the legal limit, the dr said he shows signs of alcohol abuse. He admitted he is an alcoholic, He was embarrassed and disappointed in himself. He stopped drinking went to AA twice in the first week. His personality improved. 3 wks ago the routine came back, hiding of alcohol and after I found them, he would say they were old bottles and that he hasn’t been drinking. I feel foolish for accepting his lies. I have threaten to kick him out in the past or leave but never followed thru. I want to be there for him but I see him self destructing and it something that I am not comfortable with. I forgot to mention that he is currently working on getting a DUI expunged. I don’t think that he has hit bottom yet. I contacted our land lady and we have 60 days. I am worried that he will have no where to go and be alone. I worry about his behavior and what he is doing. He is only 33 and has time to turn his life around but I don’t know if he wants to. He is also depressed. I think hime getting fired from his job 4/5 yrs ago and not having any direction has lead to his depression and drinking.

  76. Joana,
    This is the beauty of experience. I have it and you don’t. I was 19 when I met my 23 year old addict and you sound so much like me and every other person who loves an addict that it is scary. I have this blog, my book Hope Street, to assist in these exact situations. You do not know what you are in for and hopefully every story here, including mine can help. You need to focus on you, your studies and not someone who is obviously not a stable person. You cannot save him and if he is making you feel guilty, then that is a serious problem. He is using you as an anchor and that is not your job or responsibility. Please do me one favor, before you make your decision READ, read the other articles I have written here, the posts women and men have written, and my memoir, Hope Street to get a glimpse of your future, then make the decision.
    If I could go back, I would have said, you work on you and your sobriety and I will move on with my life, my studies and if we meet sometime in the future and you are in a good place, maybe we can revisit a relationship.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  77. Mila,
    There is no such thing as saving someone else. Unfortunately you cannot save someone from themselves and as an addict yourself, you probably know that firsthand. You can offer helpful support but the line between that and enabling is very fine. I know what you are going through, feeling crazy and not understanding why nothing adds up but lying is also part of addiction and your feelings of distress and insanity are the aftermath. It seems here that the real issue is that you cannot healthfully detach from him. It is important for your sobriety to stay focused on you and being around people who enhance your life and this does not sound like it. This co-addictive relationship is not going to help you and it is not helping him so something needs to change and you need to be the one to change it. I would suggest letting go and focusing on your emotional and mental health. If you are falling apart, you are not good for you or for anyone else.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  78. Hummer,
    I am glad you were able to read Hope Street. It is different from your situation but addiction has its similarities across the board. Trusting anyone who has hurt you is always an issue and in your case there is more than one issue. I wish I could tell you what to do but I cannot. This decision has to come from you, you have to go with what your gut is telling you and not what you want to happen ideally in your head. Either way it is not going to be an easy road but you have to do the work for yourself regardless. Living with that stress and high anxiety is not sustainable so you need to work on that if you leave him or stay with him. I would recommend not making any rash decisions, this is not a situation for instant gratification on your part or his so perhaps giving it time to see if he is consistent and you are able to work through your hurt and pain, might be the best idea. If he is loyal and sober, it will be apparent to you and he will have no problem being open and honest with you. If this positive exchange can progress over time, you will relearn how to trust. My concern is more with you, if you are going to be okay and I want you to seek therapy, a support group, a family or friend network that can help you with your stress and sadness over this entire situation. You need to learn to be okay, even if he is not.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  79. I should add that he left to go back to work on Monday and his work place and temp home is 400 miles from me. We have no plans for him to visit again until his twins 18th mid February and he is asking what he can do to ease the pressure ie call/text or give me space. When he did leave I felt a mixture of sadness and relief as the tensions were running high and sleep was not forthcoming – have had a couple of good sleeps since!

  80. Dear Amanda, I don’t feel any closer to a final decision… I spent Christmas apart from my husband but allowed him home for a week at new year. This was difficult. He is attending addiction counselling weekly. He has told all of his family and friends (and some colleagues) that he was addicted to alcohol and has cut it out of his life completely. He had an open chat with his 3 adult children to allow them to ask anything they felt they needed to know. He never had a drink the week we were together and it doesn’t sound as though he ever wants to drink again – positive steps I believe although he knows it won’t be plain sailing. Trouble is I just don’t know how I feel about anything anymore and being ether or apart is not very good for either of us. I feel like him looking at a dating site when we were going through a dark patch (due to his alcohol consumption) is rearing its head again as well as the cosy, supportive text he had on his phone from a woman in April of last year – do I write those off as blips, albeit major blips, as a result of the drinking and would it be safe to assume that if the drinking has stopped then this will also be behind us. Am I foolish to still believe that he is a loyal man and that he hasn’t cheated despite those previous actions?
    The week we had together was mixed – Nice meals, walks, coffee, shopping and some family time although I didn’t feel much like socialising as I fell quite heavy. I was scared of everything falling back into place and we just pick up where we left off and I wasn’t all that relaxed as in my mind I am 50% in and 50% out.
    Do you think I am putting too much emphasis on those two incidents when I should be focusing on what’s positive and the actions he has put into place. Should I bear with it and see if this is finally the husband I wanted and the marriage can be put back on track? Lots of questions – too many! I look forward to your response, thank you

  81. Dear Amanda, I`ve been dating a man for 4 months now, and he is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. He said to me that he wasn’t doing any drugs anymore, but one day he told me that he would spend 50 dollars everyday to use cocaine. I felt really sad, he lied to me. Now he tells me he wants to change, that he won`t do it anymore. I am 17 years old and he’s 20. Next year I’m moving to another city to study, and he says he will go to rehab. I feel so exhausted in this relationship, I don’t do anything I like anymore. I’m afraid to leave him because I feel like I am abandoning him, that when he finally gets cured I will regret having broken up with him. I know I deserve better, even though he is an amazing person, inside and out, that’s why I feel sad about wanting to leave him and helping him during this hard time. It will affect my studies, and they are my priorities, I want to leave him but he cries so much and I try to say this to him, sometimes I feel like I’ll have to be with someone that I don’t want to be with for the rest of my life. He says that I’ll regret if I leave him, that I won’t see him anymore and it breaks my heart. How can I feel less bad for leaving him and not feeling like I am a terrible person? We all have flaws, I would like to help him, but I know I can’t. He really wants to change, he hasn’t been using it for a few days now. I really like him, but I don’t love him like he loves me. He says I help him a lot, and that makes me feel even worse. So, what can I do to not regret leaving him? Thank you.

  82. Just when I thought that was so bad…. He hid getting arrested from me for shoplifting… He’s done 5 rehabs and this is his first time stealing… To me that’s only getting worse… Sometimes I wonder if I stay because I was with an addict who overdosed and I struggled with guilt issues… And maybe I’m trying to make up for it??? Or I’m put on this earth to suffer this pain to save people because gods promising me a wonderful afterlife??

  83. My boyfriend is an addict and never runs out of lies! He would lie to his grave…. I was broke one day while he lied about his car stuck by his job broke down…. I didn’t believe him because he would have called me for a jump… Especially because I expected him at my home …. Next day it took 8 hours of calling the store in that parking lot to c if car was there…. It wasn’t… Then he said friend took it to a shop…. I called all shops on that street…. Not there… He let me feel like I was crazy and I’m gonna feel so stupid if I go there…. I dragged him there and it took calling his dad because car was in his name… For the truth that he rented it out for money or drugs… He lied for 8 hours … Why do I stay? Because I pay all my bills and he’s from a financially stable family that puts up with him

  84. Almost there…
    My husband is talking the talk and sounding so very determined – it really does sound as though he’s had his eyes opened and the counselling is helping – time will tell I suppose – he never drank in my company but we always had every second week apart so who knows how often he consumed then. I’m not ‘anything’ at the moment, just going to work and planning to have a very quiet and hopefully peaceful Christmas.
    As I said earlier – he is not particularly looking forward to being 400miles away alone on Christmas but there is no way I’m changing my mind at this stage. He said he might look at getting away if that’s the case and I told him that he should if he thinks it will help so he has booked himself 10 nights bed and breakfast in Cyprus. Very surreal situation.
    Have finished your book (your situation was awful-glad u found true happiness eventually) and starting another to help with codependent behaviours also, my counselling sessions begin on 4 January – husband is hopeful that he will be able to visit home in February when he plans to be here for his twins 18th birthday. I suppose the new year will have some answers – very much hoping so! Thanks again for reading and replying.

  85. Hummer,
    You are not doing this to punish him and therefore you should not have guilt about ending this vicious cycle you have been in. You want to be with someone in a healthy relationship and he is not capable of that. In fact, even if he were to have a miraculous recovery he would need to focus on himself if he were serious about it and you would know because his life would be an open book. Addicts are mysterious and are not reliable because they have something to hide. You know deep down that this is not the life you want but YOU have to be ready and commit to moving on. You will know when that time is and I can give you all the advice but you can see in my book that inspire of all of the warning signs I couldn’t let go until I was ready to. I hope the book is helpful to you. I know once you are ready, you will be able to do the work to get you in a much better place.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  86. He is telling me how much he is dreading Christmas down there alone and asking if there is still no chance of him being allowed home for holidays – I am so torn between taking time out for me and feeling bad. please advise me!

  87. Amanda, I’m doing just that and focusing my energies on grandson and I’m also a third of the way through your book. I have arranged for a friend to drop off the Christmas presents to my husband’s daughters who live locally and I am taking his gifts to the post office today. Think after the 25th has passed the guilt may begin to ease. The only thing that is niggling me today Is that ‘if’ he should make a miracle recovery (some do!) how would I know? Given that we live 400 miles apart it’s going to be nigh on impossible for me to know – the only proof I was ever able to gather was during time spent together or snooping…Thank you

  88. Hummer,
    I would focus on my grandchild to right now but also work on yourself as much as you can. It sounds like he made a very bold statements and I would be aware that this may be a last ditch effort to get you back. You cannot trust an addict or believe the words that come out of their mouth the proof is always in their actions. They will say anything you want to hear so you have to deal in actions only. What he is doing is more important than what he is saying. you will know if he is really living up to his Amanda

  89. Amanda, I have stuck to my guns about not spending Christmas with my husband and have asked him for time for me to start my healing process and for him to begin his recovery. I have other stressful things going on at the moment (namely new born grand child in special care baby unit) that is my priority for now.
    However, earlier today he posted a short paragraph on Facebook (I’m not a member my friend told me) and it says along the lines that ‘after much thought and consideration I am no longer going to drink alcohol for the rest of my life. Difficult decision but entirely necessary’.

    I am amazed, proud of him. Surely, he can’t go back on that – or can he?
    I’m still not sure how I feel about it .
    What would your thoughts be?
    Thank you.

  90. I wanted to give you an update about my situation.
    Well as I posted I divorced Kari but she came back into my life and prayed I marry her again and get her straight. As you recall she is a hard core meth addict and is bound and determined to sleep with every man in our small Texas town.
    Well I took her back and remarried her….fool that I am….
    The night of our marriage she asked me to have a threesome with a black man in town she had been with – of course I said no.
    Two days after the marriage I came home from work and there was a strange man in my house with Kari….
    Four days after our marriage she was our on the streets visiting friends….
    Ten days after our marriage I picked up her phone to see lots of ‘sexting’ from various guys in this small town.
    Eleven days after our marriage I picked her up in the next town over and she was extremely high and was coming down all night and the next day – no sleep in our house…
    Twelve days after our marriage she assaulted me and left marks – was arrested and a restraining order was put in place.
    Over the last 60 days she only got hold of me to ask for money (while declaring her undying love for me)
    She moved in with this black man and I finished the divorce…3rd time.
    It was painful at first and then I just got tired of it all…
    So I wanted to share there is life after the pain. I am communicating with a beautiful women. I am flying up to spend a week with her and visit her family and friends.
    It is weird not to be living with a meth addict and all of their associated problems.
    I read so many of these posts where they are desperate to hold on and all I have to say is, limit the damage and move on. You are nothing to them no matter how much they proclaim there ‘love’. Addicts only have one love. It’s not you, it’s not the kids, it’s not the life you have built. There one and only true love is the drug and the lifestyle. And there is a complete underground society that will take them in and give them what they need – male or female.
    I finally have peace and closure. Moving on and this will be my last post.
    Oh…loved your book.
    Take care,

  91. Priscilla,
    You have every right to have peace. You are the sole caretaker of two children and you need to be in a good place so you can be a good parent. I think the only way to do that is to change your phone number and/or block their calls and if they come near you, call the police and obtain an order of protection against both of them, then don’t look back.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  92. Your article, hit my heart spot on. I am in that current situation. My husband has a bad meth problem and is currently living with a female heroine addict. We just had a baby girl 3 months ago, and we also have a 15 year old son
    .I am trying my best to move on and pick up the pieces of my life. And be strong for my kids, but my husband won’t quit chasing me. He calls my job, text our son, and if I don’t answer his messages he’ll start calling all mine and his family members. .when I finally return his calls to tell him to leave me alone or I’m going to put a restraining order on him…while he keeps going on about how he loves me and our kids but refuses to admit he has a drug problem or go to rehab. Then to top it off the girl keeps messaging me as well…she pretends to be him at times, I don’t know maybe to get info about him…how do I once in for all get put of this vicious cycle I’m in with the 2 drug addicts that will not quit torturing me…it’s like a sick game…i want to find the stength I need so desperately to break these chains…and not feel guilty cause we have kids and cause he was my husband for 14 years

  93. Thank you Amanda for helping me to see the Christmas issue with more clarity (if not less pain). You will no doubt hear from me again soon. Many thanks.

  94. Just wanted to thank Julie – how good your life sounds and all down to you having the courage and strength to make the tough decisions and positive changes – well done, you deserve the happiness you have created.
    I am very inspired and know I have to find the strength for the last push in my own situation.

  95. Julie,
    I definitely remember your post. Awesome!! Congratulations!! Thank you so much for telling the story of the other side. This is the side I try to stress to those in a relationship with an addict and you have exemplified that wonderfully. You are free and yes, leaving at first is like a detox from a powerful drug and the drug is a person and their addiction. I hope you keep moving forward and know that things will continue to get better and better. I hope the others here will read that and become even more inspired to do something like you have.
    You love an addict and you enable him, that makes you a co-addict like many of us here. He is addicted to his drug and you are addicted to him, his lies and false promises. The best way to get over an addiction is to get it out of your system and go through your own healling process and recovery. You know now that he won’t change so you need to. Please read the other articles I have here in this blog to help you do that but you need to admit that you need to move on first and comitt to doing that. It will be hard and then it will get easier so make sure you have lots of support. Tell friends what you are doing, seek a therapist that specializes in addiction or co-dependency, find a support group like al-anon and focus on your issues, not his. He does something for you that you are addicted to, highs and lows, drama, promises and you deserve a real life, not an intermittent ray of short-lived happiness. When you realize that, you can’t go back.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  96. Hummer,

    Unfortunately, the odds are not in his favor. Addiction is usually a lifetime battle and even in sobriety an addict can struggle. I am also concerned that he is looking to date other women and even though you may not be able to prove he is cheating he is looking. I really think that taking him in for the holidays will only complicate things for you because addicts have a way of pulling on our heartstrings, but ultimately the decision is yours. Keep me posted I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/v

  97. Dear Amanda and all in this forum: I would like to thank you for sharing your experiences. I started posting on this threat over 3 months ago. I want to update you because I feel so many times we hear from one another during acute stress during crisis and then don’t hear as often about life unfolding beyond the anguish of dealing with the addict.

    Since my last post here life has transformed for me and my children. I have continued working on myself and healing, going to therapy, doing a recovery program from narcissistic abuse, but most importantly being honest with myself about the ways I had co-created this painful relationship for my own growth.

    I started my own business, started writing again and have been attending poetry open mica, my children are thriving in school and I am involved in their schools and life more present than ever. I have a baby that I bring with me to work and finances get tight at times. Legal process with the X can be stressful also but ultimately I get stronger, happier and more wholesome each day. And my children are reaping the benefits of our new life together as well.

    I encourage all of you on the fence about leaving the life of misery and pain that is living with an addict and the uncertainty, instability and lack of integrity infused into the every day interactions to take the plunge and move on. It is really hard and painful and difficult but it DOES get better, you will grow stronger and enjoy life in ways you never thought possible.

    Loving ourselves and healing our inner wounds is an investment like no other. Whether is through Amanda’s book/articles, therapy or any other program that helps you reach out to yourself and heal from within.

    I have implemented no contact with my X even though we share a child–lawyers do the basic communication for us and it is helping me detox from the relationship and codependent dynamics. It is like withdrawing from a powerful drug to let go at first but as the days go by you will shift from forcing yourself to stay away from the addict to not having it any other way because you are simply too fulfilled with yourself and your new life to even invest the energy of having any contact-Christmas or any other holiday.

    You deserve the dignity, safety and space to heal, move on and rebuild your life. Claim it!!!


  98. Everything you said is true Amanda, I have just purchased the kindle version of your book Hope Street as well as codependent no more by Melanie Beattie.
    Do you think it would be a bad idea to allow him home for Christmas? I think I know the answer! I think it would be painful. From what I’ve read here and on other websites – it doesn’t seem as though many addicts turn it around?

  99. Hummer,
    It is very difficult to have a relationship with someonone who has an addiction. Addiction is number one and that person will live their life trying to fool everyone and make them believe what they are doing is okay because they have to believe that too. But you know that it is not okay and that is all that matters. You should be happy, not living your life with someone who is not there for you in any way that you need them. You know deep down in your gut that you have to move on but it is difficult and we make excuses and try to find reasons to stay. It doesn’t matter the time, the season or the holiday, the right time is when you are ready and it sounds like you are getting there. He will not get sober until he wants to and until he has hit bottom and you urging him will not be the reason. I would recommend letting him know that you are leaving and drinking is why. The fact that he is away from you is always going to allow him to use and lie and be doing sordid things like going on dating sites and you may never know. He may or may not be actually cheating but you do not deserve to live like this and until you realize there is a life for you after this man, this relationship, you will stay stuck. Addicts tend to pull you along for years with empty promises, don’t believe me or read my book, my story, just look at the many posts and stories written here. If you leave, he has the opportunity to play out his addiction in his own way and if and when he decides to get sober it may actually be for real because he is not doing it to appease anyone. Remember you can ask him to stop drinking or try to control his drinking but all you will get in return is more lies.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  100. Laura,
    Please know that you are in a tough situation and it is okay to be scared and not know what to do but that doesn’t mean your situation is hopeless. You may not be able to leave today but you can live alongside him and separate yourself emotionally and focus on you and your children. If addiction is in your family it makes sense that you chose an addict to love. We tend to do what we know and taking care of others is something that co-addicts are good at but eventually even we can no longer do it. You can have goals and make a plan for your future. You can seek al-anon and therapy to help you cope. If you live your life and let him alone, he will understand that you are detaching from him and you can tell him why. You no longer want to live this life. Make a plan to break free and take small steps to do that. Please pick up my book, Hope Street is my memoir of my life with an addict and how I eventually was able to break free. You can do this but it doesn’t have to happen overnight.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  101. Sage,
    I really hope you get to read the other articles I have written here and especially my book. I really want you to understand what you are dealing with and get a good glimpse into your future by reading all of the other stories people have shared here. Addiction is strong and until you have an addiction problem, you will not understand that a person loses the choice to make rational decisions and becomes completely ruled by their drug. Unfortunately you will not be happy living with an addict because you cannot have a real or fulfilling relationship with them. To be happy, you must now take care of yourself. Learn how to live your life again and how to be okay despite what state he is in. If you stay you will have a long and very shaky road ahead of you with mistrust, sadness and anger and not much happiness.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  102. Ps I should add to the above that my husband is travelling with a colleague for work at the moment – usually an opportunity to socialise with alcohol but he decided to tell colleague that he is an alcoholic , of his own volition – this is a massive step for him I guess but is it enough?

  103. Dear Amanda, I have read lots of the advice you give and I would really value your Input into my situation.
    I am 42 and husband 48. We have been married 3 and a half years (together 6) and I discovered his drink problem 2 and a half years ago.

    He really is a lovely man and even drunk he hang become abusive – the suffering I am going through is the emotional sort and I have never had so much drama nor anxiety in my life ever. Our relationship is beginning to lack in intimacy. I withhold trivial information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc

    he works extremely hard and has a very good job and his working life has so far gone unaffected by his alcohol addiction.
    In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels – we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
    I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn’t trust me!

    October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in – I was horrified. Things hadn’t been going well but I still didn’t expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.

    I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart – we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.

    In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female – cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her-could only see what she had sent that morning. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.

    I have found evidence that he still drinks when I go to stay at our home near to his work and I know he hasn’t stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve – maybe more.

    In May this year I had reached a place where I wanted no more of this life of stress and worry and worry of what kind of future we would have.
    I told him that I was walking away if alcohol was to remain a part of his life. He agreed he would stop as he knew I was serious but there is definitely resentment for this – and because I insisted upon this and not that he wanted to stop I knew there was high likelihood that it wouldn’t last…and it didn’t.
    When I discovered that the drinking continues to be a big part of his life and that I have to be true to my word and leave as I said I would but we had several commitments to see through with visitors travelling long distance to visit us so I kept a lid on things.
    We also had a holiday booked for both of our birthdays – we got back last week and I thought I could keep a lid on things until Christmas had passed for the sake of everyone including our children – we don’t have any children together, I have one adult daughter who is due to give birth any minute and he has 3 young adult daughters from a previous marriage who live with their mother close to where I live. During our holiday he caught food poisoning – I had to go to the restaurant alone several evenings. I would be gone 30-40 mins max and when I returned to our room he would be drunk , eyes rolling , lying on couch trying to watch tv. He was asleep and snoring by 7.30pm each evening! Again, not the future I want. Like I’m his minder and responsible for him. I have spent many years alone with my daughter before she left home- I am not afraid to be alone although I am experiencing fear. I am deeply saddened and worried about his future. He is begging for a final chance to work at recovery and prove himself.
    I really, honestly can not say whether I want this anymore? I feel I am too tired for any more. On the other hand would it be wrong of me not to give him this final chance and maybe we would have a good marriage once again. I feel it’s a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer for him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo – I also feel bad that Christmas is less than two weeks away – what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate your experiences input and any opinions
    (please email me your response as well as posting it here as I can’t seem to find my way around these sites very easily) thank you.

  104. When should enough be enough he says I’m looking for excuses to leave him. Accuses me of talking to other men and just want out of the relationship. Says I don’t have a diploma what an I going to do I can’t support my kids. How much better could my life be without him. And a lot of other things that fill my head with insecurities. He constantly makes a adopted daughter feel unwanted which she might be small to understand these things but he does it to hurt me. But around other ppl he is a very charming person happy all the time kinda clown keeps everyone entertained and lauding so ppl think he’s such a great man and makes me look like the bad person. My older kids see weekdays happening and tell whatever I decide to do they will stand beside me but it seems so difficult.

  105. Hello, my name is Laura. I am a stay home mother of 5 children oldest will be 18 in a few days. She is not my husband’s biological daughter however we have been together since she was 2 so he has pretty much raised her. I have a 14 yr old boy in high school doing really good in sports. I have an 8 yr old boy who says if I leave my husband he wants to stay to live with him. I have a 6yr old daughter which is my brothers daughter I adopted her due to circumstances. Beautiful little girl. And lastly I have a baby 8 months old. My husband has been using cocaine that I know of for at least 8 yrs he says it’s not an issue because he hits to work he pays my bills we have cars and that an addict wouldn’t do any of those things. I have lost family to drugs including my brother I don’t want my kids to grow and think it’s ok to use drugs because according to my husband it is a learned behavior and he can stop whenever he chooses to. He doesn’t have a relationship worth my children he won’t go to games or anything that is important to them instead he says hurtful things to us rarely attends fam events. I don’t know what to do please Help!!!

  106. I’ve been dealing with an off and on addict for three years. I want to walk away. But it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I love him. He’s faithful. But lies about the pill use. I can’t build a life with this person. Especially when he doesn’t have them… he’s a monster. And it’s ridiculous. I don’t understand how someone gets so angry over the most petty stuff. I’ve seen people after years of prolonged abuse and It’s really sad. I don’t want him to end up like that. I don’t want to wake up and find him dead. I just want to go one day without being miserable. I want to be able to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

  107. Tamara,
    Unfortunately drugs are usually stronger than love for an addict. Drugs do something love can’t for them. Losing a loved one is a struggle but it does get better. You have to do the work to help you move on and let go. It takes time and healing can be painful but I have been there and can tell you life without addiction is beautiful.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  108. Carly,

    You are not alone. There are so many of us who are dealing with or who have lived with an addict. I want you to think of what you are really scared of. What about leaving scares you? If you understand all of the different reasons you are scared and write them down, you can break down each one and really face them. They are not as scary as you think. This exercise will help you face your fears and realize that they are not so scary. For example, if you fear that he will fall apart without you write that down, then write down all of the things you do to enable his addiction. If you can look at how much time and energy you spend on him you can see that you are not actually helping him but you are probably allowing him to use more because he has someone who keeps things together. He may fall apart but that is his journey that he has to take regardless of if you try to stop it. My ex-husband, despite 12 years of trying to stop him from using drugs, continued to use drugs after I left. He never stopped and I would have wasted more years of my life being tortured by his addiction. He found a way to use without me. I realized I could not save him so why should we both suffer in the relationship? Letting go is a process, so remember when you leave, there is still pain and fear but you are able to work through it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  109. Hi my name is Carly and I am dealing with this situation right now. Promises of getting clean but constant lies and let downs. I’m so scared to move on and leave this chapter of my life behind. Any more advice on letting on and being ok without that person? This blog was amazing I don’t feel so alone now!

  110. Katie,
    Thank you for sharing. You chose a man with an addiction and you can CHOOSE to let him go. You can get your life back if you forgive yourself and you allow the people you hurt to forgive you. You can start over even though it is trying and scary and probably seems like this is too much. You are still here and that means you have a voice and a choice. You have to take steps to leave and become independent. Support groups like al-anon are free and family may surprise you. You have helped them and no one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Don’t give up and don’t shut people out, now is the time to open up and ask for help. You can stand on your own two feet again.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  111. Tony,
    sorry I didn’t catch your post sooner. Thank you for sharing that with me. There is a lot to be said for recovery, it is not an easy road. Not many choose family over addiction but I am glad you did and you have saved your family from a lot of sadness. Don’t ever give up on you or them.
    Amanda Andruzzzi, published author, Hooe Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  112. I am lost, I am embarrassed, I am 53.2, I was with my husband km f for 21 years, he died of cancer on my birthday (50). He suffered tremendously in end on hospice. I had many obsticles in my way, I never had time to grieve, I ultimately lost my home, I am disabled, I fought for 3 years for disability, I sought counseling and started to grieve in grow even with foreclosure over my head, I had my adult children and grand children residing with me, for many years before my husband died. All of who took advantage of me and little bit of life insurance, I fought to save our home, I lent family thousands of $ I tried everything to survive, and then I re met a man who needed me I needed him, I finally got my ssd, he works for pennies, my family disapproved, only after a short time I r ed alized I was living with an alcoholic and percoset additic, getting tr a pped into believing his pain was real, only after every penny was gone, now I’m stuck in a mental abusive and emotional abusive relationship, with no way out, now injured he’s out of work, no pay. Again I am facing being homeless, he has No One I have Lost everyone, who cared, they all realized the lies I told to cover up my life, their is no one to help me, I struggle to help him, I hate myself for getting into this, I’ve been through so much, again I feel as though I did the night my husband died,lost, grieving, helpless and alone

  113. Luisa,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I know this is not easy and you have the best of intentions but unfortunately you are married to an addict. An addict will blame you and lie and do anything they can to keep on doing what they are doing. You may want to think about seeing a therapist to deal with the trauma of physical abuse and the enabling that has been going on. You want to make him happy but you cannot make an addict happy, stop or control their drinking. I think you may want to focus on your children and guide them through this while obtaining help for your family. You all need to heal and restore sanity in your life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  114. Heidi,
    As you know, you can only change yourself and not anyone else. If you are finding addicts in your life, then you can change that. You can let go before things become too involved. Since you know that outcome of staying addicted is high, I would move on right away. Sometimes our energy guides us and guides others to us. As abstract as it sounds, if we exude a sad energy or the vibe that you will take care of others, those people will come to you. If you keep it positive and learn to let go of the sadness you have endured then positive people will be attracted to you. That is not to say that you are not a great person, it is more than likely that you are a great parent and caretaker but when we live with addiction for so long, we tend to believe nothing can go right. The sadness of the situation, especially because your ex-husband is the father of your child, can stay with you. I know this firsthand. My daughter’s father is and addict and there is nothing I can do to make it better.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  115. Hi there, I’ve been married to an binge drinking/alcoholic for 5 years and have been through so much heartache. Lies, deceit, sometimes physical abuse because I would try and stop him from drink driving. We have been on and off for about two years and the last time I took him back he was actually now abusing cocaine too. One night my husband was taking coke and drinking and he made me do a sexual act on another man which I feel so guilty about but my husband begged me to do it. Then the next morning he was full of anger about the incident of the night before and accused me of cheating and head butted me. I told him he wanted me to do it he literally begged me. He had also told some of my family members that he’d caught me cheating on him with the guy so I had to explain what had really happened to everyone. There’s been many bad incidents that have happened due to his alcohol. He has now moved out as the final straw was he asked me to not drink at all in order to help him which I agreed, (I like a drink but not to his extent but I was starting to drink a little bit more than usual mainly to keep him happy which I know is wrong but I’ve always been the one to suggest a better way of living) but two weeks later he went out drinking anyway and ignored all my calls all night I was sick with worry as he told me he was going to work. It’s one broken promise of many that he will stop drinking and he did for 6 months last year but then Christmas came and the drinking started again. He’s been gone for 1 week and he’s moving into a flat tomorrow and I’m just feeling so low. I’m scared of whether or not I’ve done the right thing but he is so disruptive when he goes on his benders and I can’t live like it anymore. He has recently said to me that he would never get back with me as I don’t allow him to be who he is and that I try to tell him what to do but the actual fact is all I’ve ever wanted was for us to have the best life we can and I even tried to compromise the alcohol, I never told him to stop completely just to control it and now I feel like maybe I was too hard on him and maybe I should have not been upset with him everytime he messed up but when is enough, enough? I have a teenager daughter from a previous relationship and me and my husband have a 3 year old son together which he doesn’t take a great deal of interest in. I know I’ve done the right thing deep down but I also feel so confused about everything and want to feel like our marriage breakdown isn’t really my fault.

  116. I was married to an addict for 18 yrs and it took it’s toll on my and our family. When I left with our children 3 all under the age of 10 it was damb hard. I told myself that if he really cared he would get the help he needed and come back to his family. Well 99.9 % of the addict’s choose there addiction over the one’s they Love. He didn’t come back !!! He lost his job of 34 years and now is homeless. It’s so sad seeing him on the streets knowing we cannot help him we all tries. I have been divorced now for 11 years and still no change. Our children are now grown and see what has become of their father. Now I’m faced with men coming into my life with a new face and the same problem an addict. I’m feeling I have a sticker on my forehead saying open door.
    Any suggestions, feeling frustrated

  117. J.
    Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I welcome stories of success because it inspires us all. You are an inspiration. You have done the nearly impossible and came out with a ray of hope. I am so happy to hear this. Please keep us posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  118. Mary,

    I want to tell you this will be okay and it will. You need some support, hope and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is and I am living proof. I have been through the same thing. Please read all of my articles here but pick up my memoir, Hope Street will help you through this.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  119. I married my high school sweetheart. We have been together for almost 11 years. I have two kids with this man, I loved him more than anything. My husband has a cocaine addiction, he lies and pawns even my children a things and was once caught stealing money from the vending machine. My marriage is now filled with lies and broken promises. I drive around looking for him when he doesn’t come him with his kids in the backseat. I have threatened to leave him many times, but never follow through. I catch glimpses of the person he once was and it gives me hope. But I know that’s no way to live. I love him so much, I miss him, the person he used to be. He changed for the worse and it hurts me so much because I know what a great person he really is. But today I made the decision that he had to leave, for good. He got his things and didn’t say one word. That hurt me even more, it’s like I didn’t even matter. Reading your blog makes me feel less alone. Sometimes I felt like it was only me. I hope I can gain strength to follow through with him leaving.

  120. Amanda: thank you for your articles and response. I want to share an update after a month of leaving my addict husband and hope it motivates others on this threat who are considering leaving. I realize now that all my fears of how difficult things would be were justified, it is difficult and painful, but the making the decision to let go was the best and what took the most courage. Along the sadness, shock, numbness, anger, fear, loss has also sprouted hope, clarity, joy, courage, a greater sense of empowerment and self love. I laugh more and cry less each day that goes by. Each bad day I take it as just part of the journey and not as an indication that life will always be this difficult and overwhelming.

    I am doing the best I can each day and having no contact whatsoever with my addict and psychopathic husband. I am realizing how peaceful and safe it feels every day to NOT wake up next to someone who constantly and covertly abuses, manipulates and uses you and your children to fulfill personal agendas.

    I am loving being alone with my children and building the life of stability and respect and love we deserve. We now have a place to live, the kids are in school, we found the right therapist for us, I am focusing on finding work now and we have even made new friends in our new city.

    Those out there wanting to leave the life of madness and pain that comes with loving an addict: Don’t give up!! The work and courage it takes is absolutely worth it. I continue to look ahead at others like you Amanda who have come through on the other side stronger and happier as added inspiration in this journey.

  121. Rachel,
    You can turn here. You are not alone. How would having him back benefit you? It takes time to let go so you have to get through the mourning period. It gets better but you have to start focusing on other things. Start doing things that make you happy, focus on your family and in time things will improve you just have to give it a chance. You have to do the work and expect that time heals all wounds. Find a support group, therapist, or al-anon to help you power through the hurt. If he comes back it will be more of the same and you and your family will become more damaged. With him gone you can heal.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  122. Your story sounds exactly like my own. I have currently kicked him out nearly 2 weeks ago but am starting to cave and just want him home. I’m desperate and have nowhere to turn. Please help

  123. Camelia,
    If you can’t be honest with others, you are not being honest with yourself. You need to re-evaluate this relationship and how it is negatively affecting you. Living with and loving an addict is a hard task, it is exhausting, emotionally crippling and takes its toll on you. I would recommend getting therapy to sort things out. I really think you need to figure this out and commit to letting go but that can take time and it is not always easy but it can be done.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  124. Sabrina,
    You did do the right thing. Do not question that. You are setting a great example for your daughters and I truly believe focusing on you and your children will help you heal. You have to go through the healing process and allow him to do whatever he is going to do because you cannot make him stop. He will simply lie and detach and blame you and that is not something anyone should subject themselves to. Leave him alone and worry about you and do things you love so that you can start getting back to happiness and find peace in your life. You need to redirect your focus and take steps at helping yourself. This is a process and will take some time.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  125. Amanda, I was the nightmare. I finally acknowledged that I had a problem when faced with the loss of my family. The thought of another man raising my kids was enough for me to go to AA. I have been sober since. My family has remained intact.

  126. I’m in a relationship with an addict and I knew it when it started. He was just completing a recovery program. I’ve known him for years and I started falling for him a long time ago. The addiction has gotten worse and though I know better I haven’t been successful at not caretaking. I often question if he truly loves me and I’ve tried to leave a dozen times. I just can’t seem to let go. It’s like a live a secret life because I’ve hid this relationship from everyone.

  127. Married for 14 years and 3 kids later. my husband turned into an alcoholic, he stopped smoking Marijuana for a promotion so he began drinking more, I can see his tolerance building every week he’d say the most hurtful things and become defensive the lat 2 months. He didn’t think drinking was his problem but would blame me for anything and everything, I finally told him that I’m not happy seeing him not happy with me because I try my hardest everyday but no matter what he’s still acts miserable and drinks more . 4 days ago I finally told him to leave after he got in my face and called me a whore (which he loves to call me alot lately) and traded vehicles with him since I can’t afford the rent and the car payment, my question is how do these woman do it I read stories about them going to classES to cope with their alcoholic spouse. Am I horrible for not wanting him back unless he quits completely?? since I know he has the will power to do so if he just put his ego to the side for his family ! I’m scared I’ll never see the man I fell in love with before. Or maybe when he does I’ll be too heart broken inside to love him anymore.

    Also would like to add that the reason I was firm with my husband leaving this time is because I have 2 daughter’s I feel that are looking up to me to make the right decisions, I hAve a solid job and I can pay my own bills. it’s my birthday today, he didn’t call me and to be honest I was hoping he didn’t call me because I know that wouldn’t fix anything by far. I pray that God makes him good again and I think I have to give myself more credit sometimes but I don’t, I’ve always been hard on myself which is why he easily manipulated me. I tbought it was me not being WOrth changing for but when I started to read about the dusease of being an alcoholic I am starting to undER stand more.

    I just want the man I fell in love with back, I start to miss him but then I’ll remind myself why I made him leave by reading the last 50 text messages he sent me I remember why he’s not here. the alcohol turned him so ugly and selfish I can’t believe this is happening to me. I cry and pray every night hoping for the strength to get me thru this. I know I made the right decision but I also know it’s a disease so I hope I did right by kicking him out, he is not homeless btw.

  128. Abandoned Soul,
    I need you to take a good look at your relationship with this person. He is an addict and from your account it seems like he has never really been clean the whole time. You did not make a mistake by telling your family because they love you and are there to protect you. When you lie to others, you are just enabling the addict and holding it all inside which is toxic for you. However, I have been where you are and I know the pain and sadness you feel and no one will understand unless they have loved an addict. Unfortunately, he will never get sober for you or anyone else. When he wants to get clean for himself and do the work at living a sober life, it will come from him and not be empty promises he uses to make you happy for the moment.
    You are right, you need to move on and focus on yourself. Please pick up my book, Hope Street, I really think it will help you feel understood, give you a glimpse of life if you don’t leave and finally give you hope. You need to have hope right now.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  129. Dawn,
    It sounds like you have had enough. Do not feel guilty for moving on because it is only natural that when an addict promises change for years that you emotionally detach from them. You are not in a relationship with him, he is in a relationship with his drug. I would seriously walk away from the situation in order to gain perspective. You need time to heal and figure out what is best for you and this situation does not sound like that is it. Keep reading the other articles here, there are a lot of free resources I have available here. Hope Street, is my memoir of my 12 year relationship and marriage to an active addict. One thing I can say is that you should not settle. You deserve to have happiness.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  130. Amanda, I read almost every article that you wrote and I learned a lot about drug addict and co-dependency. Recently I broke up with my boyfriend because of his addiction. Him and I had a wonderful relationship and we promised to get marry before his drug addiction came out. One day, he started to act very strange. He was keep accusing me for cheating and he insisted to looking at me through facetime while I was sleeping. One day He came to my house in the middle of the night and searching my room. He was so angry and furious during this time, and he said sorry the next day after he got some sleep. It was repeated almost every night for weeks. I didn’t know anything about his drug behaviors or history at that time, so I was so confused and scared. I swear to God I never cheated on him! I cried everyday at work and couldn’t do anything else other than stay with him to assure that I never cheated on him. This was keep happening for about a month and I discussed it with my parents about his behaviors getting very strange and dangerous way. So they tried to split us up, but I resist to stay with him. But it never got better and one day, he finally told me that he was high on meth during this time. I was so naive about drug or meth, so I forgive him and I was even little relieved because I thought he had mental illness like schizophrenia. I promised to help him out and take care of him while he is going through withdrawals. He slept almost all day for 2-3days and I was relieved and happy to see him sleeping because I thought everything is finally over. But it wasn’t. He started to use aderal to stay awake for work and he got addicted on it. He said he needs to check me during the night so he can be feel relaxed to know that I am not doing anything. So he asked me to put little video camera in my room and I thought that was helping him to figure out all things that he saw was hallucinations. So I stupidly agreed. And he was keeping seeing things even he wasn’t high on meth. But That was what he told me, so I never know that he was high on meth during that time. I didn’t know anything about drugs or addict behaviors.. I couldn’t do anything better than keep play along his manipulation… He was kept looking through my phone, called me in the middle of the night and screaming that somebody is next to me or I was moaning or something. Nothing was make sense. And I decided to take a break with him. I thought it help us out from this crazy madness situation. He agreed, too. But after 4days, I got back to him because he sent me a text that he is leaving the town. I was devastated and desperate. I wanted him to get better not run away from me. We talked and decided to fight this together. During this time, I learned about his drug history. He had done various hardcore drugs since he was adolescent. But he was clean for 5 years before he met me. And all of sudden, he started meth just because one of his friends handed it over. I was so frustrated and disappointed how he could do meth like that when we were so in love? We had promising future. I just couldn’t understand. And during that time, he kept said he was clean and doesn’t even think about to doing it again but he was keep seeing things. I thought it was flashbacks but my therapist told me he must be still doing the meth unless he would not have flashbacks. So I poke him and poke him to tell me the truth, he told me he couldn’t help him self…. How i felt? I felt like my world ended. I gave him endless trust and love becuase i really trusted him that he can quit that shit for us. I never thought he could lie about that again to me after what we’ve been through. I didn’t talking to my mom and dad because they hated him and wanted me to break up with him. I couldn’t talk to my friends because they heard what had happend and they also hated him. I was so sad about that My friends and family wasn’t supportive towards him and me, and also mad at myself that I talked to them to ask help and advices so ended up they hated him. I was mad and tired and sad about this whole situation… So I couldn’t believe that he did it again when I was struggling with all this situation. We almost breake up at that point, but we decided to go to trip instead. Put everything behind, we went to trip to other city for a week. We had wonderful time there. I could feel he came back to normal. After the trip, we seem like we came back, but we had a fight over a stupid thing. And he ended up looking through all my text msg with my friends and family. And it was all from a year ago texts. I was so devastated because he was clean for about two weeks at that time, but he was doing the exact same thing that he did when he was high. I realized he has drug problem but he also had trust issue. It was sad but clear. I couldn’t be together with someone who is always questioning about my behaviors and fidelity. So I broke up with him. It was so sad cuz I still think he was my soulmate… But I couldn’t live like that. I was isolated from my family and friends. All I wanted was he got better and came back as the person that I fall in love with. But i learned that this addict is also him. This was part of him. But I couldn’t love this addict. I was so tired of all his broken promises and apologizes. I gave up. I gave up on my one true love. I still hate myself that I give up. I am studying a lot about drug addictions and co-dependent through this blog. I don’t know why I couldn’t find this blog while I was with him. Then it might be different. I really want to get back with him if he can make sure he will be clean….. I don’t know what to do….. I still love him. But I need to take care of myself first. That was my decision for now. I wish We could get back to each other one day inmy life. Every Night still pray for him…

  131. Hello, i am feeling very numb at present about my relationship, as ive been with my partner for nearly 5 years 3 of those years he has been on cocaine, he can go 4 weeks without it so he does it,im quiet for a day or so or angry with him then we start to get on again and bang he does it again, the past few weeks have been the worst ive had police out cause he sends me suicide txts once hes had his 2 day binge spending all our bill money, after having the police out i said hes got 3 months to change it took him 2 and half weeks before he did it again he knew when he came bk that i would say it was over but im still here as he tells me hes going to sort it this time which i have heard a thousand times i am now feeling im beginning to break his moods are so up and down i feel constantly sick in my stomach he would never hurt me but he just has blasts of out rage he constantly says he loves me but how many chances do you give someone i couldn’t even write everything down what ive been through feel like i want to leave but feel so sad for him cause i know deep down he loves me but is love enough sometimes as i have started to have feelings for someone else which then makes me feel iller and guilty, don’t want to eat, hes told me tonight i haven’t got to worry anymore as hes going to get sorted this time but its really strange as i feel like i want him to do it but obviously not for his health why do i think such strange things like this as all i ever wanted before is fir him to stop i feel so lost my head is mush do i love him or do i just feel sorry for him please help me xxx

  132. Michael,
    Keep posting, I am here to listen and help if I can. I am glad you are getting something from the blog. Keep reading the articles and focus on the ones that help you to move on and take steps forward. I know the sinking feeling in your stomach and the ache you describe all too well. The reason you are so upset, panicked and sad is because you are suffering a loss. It is normal to feel this way when someone you loved has betrayed you and it is over. This is a process and through this process you will mourn and go through a wave of emotions but just make sure you are still working on you. You need to take steps to move past this and realize why you wanted to try and save her in the first place. What was it that she offered that made you stuck because none of it was real? She is ill and although you want to fix her, no one can do that but her. You will move on, just commit to it, let her go and go through it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  133. Amanda,

    Just wanted to share how I am feeling 37 days after the divorce. It is helpful to me.

    The first 3 weeks were easy as I was full of anger but now is is a dull ache – not constant but there. We are both in a small Texas town and so I cannot not see things that remind me of my wife. It creates in my a almost overwheming feeling of fear. Fear of what? All the fears you mention above but probably the biggest fear is the fear of what’s next. Now that all my (ours I thought but guess not….:-/) hopes and dreams have been smoked in a meth pipe or snorted I have these wave of panic that I must cope with. I have found myself reading your blogs time and again during the day (took the day off) and I am praying that my next week that the intensity will be less.
    I know in my head that I will never be able to fix it and I have walked away now I need to stay away. But I yearn for the human touch. I want to be held like a little boy and told everything will be alright. I want to cuddle with someone in bed and just take a nap where I am not alone. I have worked my self to exhaustion today and hope that I will fall into a dreamless sleep and wake up tomorrow refreshed and a little less fear.
    It does not even make sense!!!!!!! I am sucessful, very well compenstated and my future is bright – then why the hell am I afraid???????? I’m thnking alot about that. In fact it pisses me off as I know none of these fears even enter her mind.
    But it’s a path and a process – and there is pain involved and I am not going to back down. You know what my greatest fear right now is? That Kari will call and ask for help while I am still working on stabilizing myself. Everyday I’m stronger – please give me more days and weeks.
    I’ll keep you posted.

  134. Michael,
    I know what you are going through, in fact my book Hope Street is a memoir of my life living with an addict. You are not alone and addiction takes people over to the point they are unrecognizeable. But you have to come to terms that this is not your job to help them because that becomes enabling and this is something they need to do on their own. You have to let go and start focusing on you as hard as that sounds. You can be happy but you have to start to look at yourself and take care of you. I am so glad this helps, keep reading all of my other articles here.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  135. Amanda

    I have been living this nightmare for 5 years. I just completed our divorce on July 30, 2015 and your blog is helping so much!!!!!
    Sometime I wonder if I am the only one that understands the depths of despair that I am in and want so badly to get through.
    Kari and I was wed 5 years ago and she was my dream come true. Beautiful, smart, college. When she came down in her wedding dress she was so stunningly beautiful that I simply cried at her beauty, at the very sight of her.
    No I am a professional in the oil business and have seen lots of women. She was like no other.
    It did not last long…
    First came the weird augments. Arguments that could not be won by force of reason, or won by simply giving in. They were from so far off the face of the earth I began to doubt my sanity. It was always my fault.
    Then came the leaving the house at midnight to meet my girlfriends…then being gone all night.
    Never in my entire life have I ever been exposed to anyone with a drug addition, I didn’t know, had no idea. So it must have been me, had to be me. How could someone who could take you breath away with a look be doing something to my head??
    The came the police and their private warnings to me to get away from her or she would get me sent to jail (never happened as I always kept me cool)
    Then the phone call in the middle of a project that she had cheated and have been using meth. Meth? “Don’t worry honey we’ll get through this….”
    But there was never getting through ‘this’. promises by the truck load, lies, countless ‘hookups’ behind my back. I couldn’t let go because I was (am still am afraid). Time and again Kari begged me to not divorce and time again she used drugs, cheated.
    I have spent close to $100k on Kari to no avail. So although shaking with fear I finished the divorce. She did not even show.
    Now we are divorced and she has let me know that she’s using lots of other drugs, shown me needle tracks on her arm, let me know that she is starting work as a hostess in a strip club….it just go on and on.
    So we have been divorced a little over a month and I am still full of anguish and pain. Worry about what she is doing – so forth and so on. The pain is still intense and nights are sleepless but after finding your blog I gained strength. I am tormented as to why a human would do such things and be so degraded – willingly.
    But I am growing to understand, and as your blog stated Kari is sick. Kari does not know what she is doing. So there is some modification of my thinking – I dislike, no I hate, what is doing and has become – but I don’t hate Kari.
    I found your blog at a low point and it was so needed.
    I am going to continue to read, meditate and move on.
    With Respect,

  136. Juliette,
    You are doing the right thing getting out of this situation. All of that anger and addiction is a great part of who that man is. The amazing part only comes out in bits and pieces and it is not enough to live for. With you there, he can keep using because he knows you won’t leave. You did the right thing. I would try to get back into your home and have him removed but anything you can do to move on you will need to figure out and find support from the people you trust. You can heal from this and be the person you want to be in the life you want, you just have to do the work. Please use the other articles I have written here, click on my name and a host of articles that will give you skills and the tools you need will come up. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my journey as the wife of an addict with our child and how I broke free. Please don’t give up hope, your children are your inspiration.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  137. Marie,
    You need to get away from this toxic situation. You are sane and you know a “little crack” is not okay. I won’t tell you what is best for you, but for me, to move on I had to completely move on and let go of him, change numbers and eventually he just went away. We had a child together also. My book, Hope Street is my memoir of my life as the wife of an addict and I wrote it to help others feel understood, less alone and give inspiration. I hope you get a chance to read it. There are also a lot of other articles I have written here so please click on my name, Amanda Andruzzi, and check them out.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  138. Dear Amanda, I recently ran into a blog you lead and this information while in the process of leaving my husband who is an addict in recovery. I am in shock for leaving, but once he made threats and I saw the anger escalate to the point I no longer felt safe, I called the police so I could leave the house–he was blocking the door for me to step out. I am in a hotel room with my 3 kiddos instead of getting ready to take a family vacation we had planned for months. I feel numb and shoved at the same time. I think of the great things he did, how amazing of a human being he is, especially when he is sober and not angry/victim/resentful/passive aggressive. I love him and had great expectations of our family. I am dealing with the guilt and shame of ending up in a marriage with an addict for the second time. I feel like I should have known better, I should have seen the signs and avoided the relationship altogether. I am determined to do what is best for myself and my children, so it is important to become fully aware of what has brought me to end up in this role again. What can I do moving forward to fully heal and get out of the hamster ball?

    Thank you!

  139. I just left my substance abuse husband after 24 years together. My question is did you cut all ties even though you had a daughter together? My husband calls me all the time. Its only been a few days but he seems to get inside my head even though I am not there. He has a way of making me feel so guilty and I dont know why. I left the house which is in my name but he cant pay it unless we get a call for our business which oh by the way is in my name because he cant get it in his and on top of that he cant trust anyone else but me to put it in their name. I guess my fear is since we were married I didnt have a problem putting it in my name but since he doesnt want to stop doing drugs,should I care. This was his contribution to our home and I would have to deal with him if I continued the business even though we are not together. He seems like he has no intention on quitting. Plus he assumes I have a boyfriend because I wont tell him where I live. I just want some peace but its hard to get because he constantly calling but all he says is I have suicidal issues and he put up with me so I should not let a little crack be a problem. Did you stop all correspondence with your ex husband?

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