How to leave an addict? (Let go!)

If you are living with an addicted spouse or partner, what does it take to leave? A guide on how to address the fear and let go of an addict (for good) here.

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Do you love an addict? Is addiction destroying your relationship your family? Do you find yourself looking online to find out how to help an addict? Are you exhausted by the relationship? Are you finally starting to realize you have to let go?

Here, we explore some of the thinking behind why you stay with an addict. And we invite you to let go of the fear and to do something different. More from someone who has been there, with a section for you to share your questions or situation at the end.

Do you find yourself saying…

  • “I am scared that if I leave they will die or be homeless or kill themselves.”
  • “I am afraid that if I leave, they will get better and find someone else.”
  • “I am frightened of being alone.”
  • “I am petrified that I will never love anyone like I love the addict.”
  • “I am fearful of telling my friends and family how bad things really are.”

The one thing all of these statements have in common are the words: SCARED, AFRAID, FRIGHTENED, PETRIFIED, FEARFUL. These are all just different words for feelings of fear. It is difficult to think about letting go of someone when you have so many fears about leaving. But, moving on after a relationship with an addict may be just what you need.

Where does the fear come from?

There is seldom a person who is thinking about leaving an addict who does not feel a powerful and sometimes overwhelming sense of fear. If your love for someone consists of fear, you should look at the source of the fear. We all experience love and friendship, but if something is not right, there is someone else out there for you.

It is a healthy thought to know that life can go on beyond a relationship that has failed regardless of who is to blame. If you have a fear of leaving someone, especially when the situation is toxic, then you must turn the mirror on you and take a look. Check out these symptoms of a codependent marriage for a start.

Furthermore, the fear of letting go is usually blown out of proportion because of the dramatic nature of this type of relationship. The ups and downs of dealing with an active addict may put you in a cycle of elation and depression. This fear may be a symptom of a deeper problem engrained in experiences from the past and not so much the present. The fear itself may be unjustified in the present situation.

Let go of the fear

Life will not end for you if you leave an addict. Life may only just begin again. Because addiction can beat you down, you can become used to an attitude of negativity. A lack of enthusiasm for life can become the norm. And even though you may look at addiction as a disease, you cannot blame yourself or hold yourself accountable for someone else’s conscious choices.

If the fear comes from a place where you think the addict may fall apart without you, then you should take a good look at that. You are not responsible for anyone else, especially if they are mistreating you. When you play the role of caretaker, the addict usually dictates how you exist. If you can look at your role in the relationship and what it means to you, why it keeps you from leaving, and why it holds you back, you may be able to see the situation through objective eyes. Gaining perspective usually alleviates the fear.

The underlying truth: You’ve got issues

My husband and I were together for twelve years and we had one child. He had cheated on me, lied to me about everything, used drugs in our home, disappeared, and was verbally and emotionally abusive and yet I could not let him go. I had to ask myself if this was a problem with him or with me. The one good thing about my husband’s addiction was that I learned a great deal about myself. I allowed this to go on for reasons that had little to do with him and more to do with me.
Q: What can you do if your loved one is an addict?

A: Let go!

It is naturally hard to let someone you love go, despite the situation. But what I learned through my fear was that I had insecurities and underlying unresolved issues from my past. I was using my husband’s drug addiction to deflect my own issues. My husband was hiding behind drugs and I was hiding behind them too. I was able to point the finger at what was wrong with him so I did not have to deal what was wrong with me.

Facing yourself starts the healing process

Once I started to delve deeper into my personal issues and uncover self-confidence, the fear lessened. In fact, over time, the fear went away and letting go became a lot easier. When I was no longer afraid to deal with my own troubles, I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who was still afraid to deal with theirs.

If your relationship with an addict is more than you can handle, you may be thinking it is time to leave. If you find yourself daydreaming about a new relationship with a partner who is not an addict, you may be ready to move on. But you don’t need to do it alone. Please share your story, questions, or comments in the section below.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.


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  1. Your story is identical to my life right now. 12 years in and I can’t let go. I’m 35 and I’m dreaming of a better life with someone else. But don’t kno how to let go. I have one 6yr old. Don’t want anymore with him.

    1. I never thought I would do it but after 6 years I did. It is hard being without him but it was much harder being with him. Save yourself and your boy and get a life for yourselves . He will follow his own path and nothing you do or dont do will change that. I know its hard and you think you cant so did I. You can and need to leave him to it xxGood luck xx

    2. I am 15 years in and struggling to find the strength to leave. He’s currently going through another episode and I’m living in fear he will die. I’m scared I will never have the strength and this will be my life forever. Sometimes it feels easier if I wasn’t here and I didn’t need to feel anymore

  2. Hi, thank u for these blogs, I typed on google of how does an addict behave after leaving them.
    I was in a relationship with a man for 2 urs and somehow it took me a year to understand that he was an addict. His anger, mood swings , disappearing acts I could not understand these things before I knew he had laid a foundation hand for my career and I was bound to b dependent on him. I had crazy anxiety issues and never felt loved by him and felt used, whenever I wanted to talk to him there was a wall but he din let me
    Go either. Eventually with great difficulty I let him go and when I did this he abused me and threthened me for my life ( which I could not share with my family ) today I live around the same people and society as him ( he was married before and was separated when we were together ) and I heard that he is back with his wife, it’s so devastating to hear it , I feel used and I feel everything was meaningless, I wonder how I let all this happen to me in the first place. I am a young smart women who can get anybody. I feel pain and betrayal!!

  3. I would like to asked a question that about my boyfriend is have the drug addict and he is back to drugs. First we are in a long distance relationship, he is from holland and am from Malaysia. In the beginning he give me alot of time and we talk almost 24 hours a days. And we started to found out that we are just right to each other and he want to married me. But unluckily we had just broken up just that he suddenly having mood swing and being rude to me. I found few thing that isn’t right with him. He love his family and suddenly he will had fight with the mean time he is breaking me up with a small issue and I don’t know why. I love him so much and dont even know why

  4. Rose, Mandy & Jane,
    there is a lot of guilt in this co-addictive relationship and that is part of the illness on our part. We want to help, desperately, even if that means we have to sacrifice ourselves and what do we get after everything we do; NOTHING. so that is the cycle and then the addict will make promises and they don’t keep them, we try more help and it just is more of the same.
    Now addiction is an illness, there are different situations so I do not want to say they are all the same but I can tell you this, you cannot force an addict to recover or pull them out of the depths of their mental illness, they have to take the first step. But we can stop enabling them to make their addiction easier and unfortunately they have to hit rock bottom in order to figure out that they want to change or their rock bottom could be death. I believe that addict is treated very poorly in our society, if we know someone to be an addict we leave it up to them to get help and we allow an addict to make choices or leave rehab. I suppose it is free will, but if a person is addicted to drugs then they no longer maintain the good sense to make healthy decisions and should be evaluated psychologically, spiritually, physically, mentally and treated. Unfortunately the person who is homeless and mentally ill & addicted doesn’t get help because they might say they don’t want it and we are okay with that.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  5. How much of the addiction can the addict help does its very nature create this lack interest in anything except getting another fix It alters the brain so they are not capable of normal thought. Is it right that we leave them when they are so ill. It is a disease do we just stop trying because we cant help them or deal with their behaviour anymore. I have tried anything and everything to help my partner but this disease is progressive which he knows and has suicidal thoughts. He does not live with me any more and his family have completely cut him off he lives in squalor and his mental health is rapidly deteriorating. He mostly keeps away from me as he doesnt want to drag me down with it anymore. It is the most horrible thing I have ever been through watching someone slowly dying in front of me. I dont know which is harder the nightmare of him killing himself quickly or slowly. Please help me I feel so bad that I am abandoning him to this illness when he has no one else.

  6. I just came out of a 12 year marriage with a man who was a cheater, emotionally abusive and manipulative. I met another man who made amazing promises that I connected with in so many aspects that I had previously been missing. I had full knowledge that he was recovered addict but without knowledge of what deug addiction truly is and how it affects you far after and how its a daily choice to not return to that life. I know that I suffer with codependency and now he has relapsed and i dont know how to let go or if it’s time to let go.

  7. Alex,
    He did do you a big favor. I know you don’t see it or feel it now but you deserve to be happy with someone who loves you and puts you first. This is not something you will get over in a day or two so don’t beat yourself up, this takes time and more importantly self-love. You need to heal and start focusing the attention you spent on him, on you. Read my book, Hope Street, I think it will give you a glimpse into your future if you would have stayed and help you feel understood.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  8. I need some reassurance. I’m glad this page exists, I feel so lost. I just left my boyfriend of 9 years for like the 3rd time and I feel so guilty, he never admits he has an addiction and when i have caught him he says he can quit on his own and doesn’t need rehab, i have found meth and pipes while he wasn’t home and he blames it on his friends that come by, his friends consists of men in the mid thirties with no jobs and no homes, we rented and they would come by all the time he would constantly spend time in the garage or outside with them and not have much time for us my son from a prior relationship and his daughter live with us as well and they see this pattern too they are teenagers and need guidance , i am going to school and working full time while he makes excuses on why he cant keep a job, yet I feel guilty for leaving because i love his daughter so much and feel bad for what she might have to endure her mother is not any better as she also has an addiction .., anyways i left my home my belongings are there they shut off the electric and he makes me feel so guilty he sends me pictures of him feeling sad and depressed and messages of how he’s sorry and can’t be without me, I’ve been through this so many times with him can i let go and not feel so guilty for leaving him in that situation?

  9. Hi, when I met my ex 2 years ago, I didn’t realise he was an alcoholic right away. We got on really well and he was very laid back. I was going through a lot of stress at work and he just made me happy. By the time I realised he had an alcohol problem, it was too late, I was completely besotted with him. For most of the first year, we spent quite a bit of time together. Occasionally he would have really bad ‘blenders’ where he would drink non-stop and smoke a lot of weed. I tended to ‘leave him to his own devices’. After a year & 2 months he decided he wanted to ‘cut down’ with a view to stopping. At one point he was down to only 4-5 beers a day & no weed. Then we went to a party for his sisters wedding anniversary & his birthday. His ‘best friend’ turned up with a bag of weed for him & it spiralled from there. He fell back in hard. I was due to spend Xmas with him and his family and nearly didn’t go since I’d heard virtually nothing from him. His sister persuaded me it would all be good. We had a brilliant Xmas & then I went away for NY with a girlfriend. When I returned he was back in deep again, I’d had enough & the demands on me from my job meant I couldn’t chase around after him, so I settled into to the rest of my life & let him get on with his & then spoke every so often.
    His sister contacted a couple months later to say he had been admitted to hospital & had started detox, I went to see him & he was great. We spent a lot of time together & got on. Eventually he moved in with me, he would stay with his sister if I had to go away for work etc so he wouldn’t be on his own & be tempted to drink. His sister invested a lot of time suggesting things for us to do & making sure he would call if for any reason I was away. He had moved in with agreement that if he fell off the wagon he would leave & live with his sister or friends. All went well until I went away for my birthday, I was gone for 10 days on a trip to Europe with a girlfriend. He seemed fine the few times I spoke with him. Towards the end of my time away his sister went away & he moved out of hers & back into ours. I spoke to him briefly on the Friday afternoon & he said he was going to a meeting but would have a quiet weekend at home & plan to cook Sunday night when I was due to return.
    On the Saturday, we’d been texting & things seemed a little off, so I called him. Soon as I spoke to him, he told me he’d fallen off the waggon & was having some beers & joint or two, he swore it was a one off & he’d stop soon. He didn’t, by the time I got home Sunday night, he’d passed out in bed & I ended up having to clean the house before going to bed in the spare room. He swore blind the next day he’d sort himself out & it would never happen again. It happened twice more in the next couple weeks, by then he’d gone back into again so I asked him to leave, he did. He didn’t return to his sisters but instead lived on the streets and then eventually in a tent with some other homeless people, I did half ask him if he wanted to come back but he said no, he refused to go to his sisters since she’d also said if he agreed to cut down/quit he could live with her. He refused. My life continued, work was busy and I still had bills to pay, so we messaged every day & would meet up from time to time. He was seeing a key worker and they were trying to arrange rehab & detox. It wasn’t an ideal situation him being homeless but there was nothing more I could do or that he let me do, he seemed to enjoy being off his head & when he was he didn’t want to see me.
    About 6 weeks ago, I struggled to get hold of him and had contacted his sister, she also said he’d been difficult to get hold of & we were worried, I eventually got through to him & then reassured his sister. A week later he messaged me to say he was on his way to his sisters as she’d asked him round, I was bit surprised since I hadn’t heard from her & usually she asked us both, I was at my parents so couldn’t go. I messaged him as normal over the weekend & he was colder with me. On the Monday he asked if he we could meet up as he had something to tell me, I said I was late back from work & could we meet the following day, he said what he had to tell me would only take 10 mins. I knew then what he intended, so Inpushed him on it & he confirmed he wanted to break up with me. I ended the call.
    Two days later I agreed to meet him & he told me he had had confirmation he was going to rehab soon. He said he didn’t want to see me anymore, that although he was ‘fond of me’, he’d never loved me & after rehab didn’t want to see me again. He said he ‘didn’t feel anything for me’. I wished him luck, told him I still loved because I do and probably always will. I said I hoped he’d beat this addiction & find his mojo. I was hugely sad & still am. I’d texted him a couple times since, once on his birthday and his replies if any have been short with no emotion. He left for rehab 6 days ago & I still miss him like mad.
    His sister has withdrawn her friendship & does not speak to me anymore. Her last words to me were “forget him & go meet a lovely man”.
    So I continue with my life because there is nothing more I can do, I still love him & I miss him. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again since his sister intends to move abroad soon & he will likely live abroad with her once he leaves rehab. I’m angry & sad all at the same time. On a more rational day, I guess he’s done me a favour but am I to then believe he never loved me & that our whole relationship existed only because he was lonely. Addiction doesn’t just ruin an addicts life, it ruins everyone who loves/has lived them too. What can I do?
    I guess just keep breathing & existing.

  10. Thanks Amanda
    this is so true once I realized the childhood trauma I suffered it began to make sense why I have stayed in dysfunctional relationships. Once you begin to understand ypurself you become stronger and begin to realize the way forward. It can take a long time and I am still not completely free but at least I am on the right path now Please dont give up you are all worth more learn hoe to love and accept yourself for the wonderful women you are and dont be a slave to a substance with no substance xxxxx

  11. jane, Kristina, Kim5, Karen & Debbie,
    Thank you so much for sharing all of your stories here. You are all in the right place and I know that sometimes things seem hopeless but with faith we can get through those times. I know all of you have been through the hard times and I know from my own experience that however difficult leaving is that there is happiness, health and a feeling of peace and well-being waiting for you on the other side if you are willing to put in the work. The work that is to be done is not on the addict and the investment in their sobriety but in you and the investment in your own recovery from this situation and whatever trauma or childhood issue that might have set you up for allowing this into your life for so long. We recreate the feelings and emotions we know and when we engage with an addict we are chasing a high (the beginning phase of the relationship) but when we stay and don’t leave and make put this person’s addiction over our own well-being, well then the issue is within us and started long before the relationship with the addict. I learned the hard way that I had serious issues of abandonment and grew up in a fear-based household that set me up just perfectly to accept my addicted husband into my life. It was through self-discovery, dietary change, and lifestyle change and with the help of doctors and therapists was I able to get to the root of my own issues. that is the key to recovery for you too.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  12. Tamar & Brenda, I am so glad you are able to support one another.
    Alice, what you wrote seems to be like enough for anyone to walk away so if he won’t leave and you can I would do that, if that is not possible, then you can have the police escort him out. You don’t have to live with an addict and you can have him physically removed. Don’t give up, I have been through this, once he is out of your home, things will improve, slowly but surely and that stress you feel every waking moment of having to try and keep it altogether will be replaced by elation that you don’t have to pretend anymore.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  13. Lisa,
    thank you for sharing that because it was clear and concise. It is that simple but unfortunately as you learned the hard way even though you lay the facts on the table you don’t always listen to the truth and like an addict you hear and see what you want to. I am glad you were ready, sooner than later, to wake up and see the truth and use it to get out of what seems like a bad situation.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  14. Debbie I have got him out of my house he has now got a support worker and she has got him a flat. She told me and his mum yesterday that he has been using crack as well as the heroin. This all makes sense now as to his increase in needing money and going everyday to his Mums for it. He has a very manipulative drug buddy who hates me because I am a threat to his addiction by trying to keep my fella away from him. The worker told us yesterday to stop giving him money and food which we had already decided on independantly so she just confirmed what I had already decided. He threatens suicide everytime I try to distance myself. He is abusive one minute and very charmnig the next and is very manipulative his drug buddy more so with him. I have now come to the realization that even if I thought I could help him I cannot fight a crack addiction and his drug mate as well. I suffered sexual abuse from strangers after the death of my grandma at 12 years old and am only now dealing with this. I need to become stronger and get to grips with why I put up with this dysfunctional relationship for so long and how to remain keeping him at arms length. The only real relationship he has is with drugs and until he chooses recovery then there is no point in continuing with the relationship? that I think I have.with him. I take full responsibility for this as it is my problem and before I can help anyone I have to learn to help myself so that I do not repeat destructive patterns of is hard but it is possible if you can get support for yourselxxx

  15. Thank you for this! I’ve been married to an opiate addict for 5 years and days ago I made him leave. I told him this was REALLY it, no more “second chances” …. I’ve been giving those for the whole duration of our marriage. He was clean for 2 years prior to this last relapse and this time it hurt worse than any other time. I still tried to do everything possible to “help” him. However, every attempt he made to get help was only as he was about to be told I was done. He tried two medicated assisted treatment clinics and didn’t stick with either. He lied, he denied the fact he was using again, he blamed how he was acting on the prescription from the clinic…. in the end it all just had to stop. In the days since I’ve been getting the full spectrum of messages and phone conversations…. everything from begging and pleading, confessing his undying love and that he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage, promises of being done for good this time, to hating me, cursing me, accusing me when I don’t give in and let him come back. This time I’m sticking to my boundaries. I cannot continue a life where I don’t fully trust my partner and where I will always question him, wonder when or if this is all going to happen again…..

  16. I don’t know where to start… I guess it starte well over 10 years ago.. I was with my husband for a few years before we got married.. once my son was born things started to change.. my son had some health issues which stressed my husband he was always sleeping and nodding off! Little did I know it was drugs!! How could a 40+ year old dad be a drug addict? Once his dad go sock he came clean and told me about his addiction he was an opiate addict. I trie helping him with no end in site. He Overdosed in front of my son who was very sensitive and fragile.. I believed he would never do that again!! Was I wrong! He continued to use slowly ripping apart me piece by piece which in turn tore our family unit apart.. I was afraid to leave because the father to my children would die of an OD! He was a successful provider, father and husband! How could this be happeneond?? The drug didn’t stop, the lies didn’t stop and either did the destruction! After years I coul see the damage in my children’s faces.. I allowed this to happen! I put him and his addiction over my children’s well-being. To read these words makes me sick to my stomach.. how did I get here? How could I as a mother and a nurse who cares for people allow this person to destroy our happiness? I am so saddened that I have come to this state that allowing him to stay has destroyed all of us.. I was afraid that he would die but what made me think sacrificing our family for his addiction was the right answer? How low did I sink? I am a shell of myself I allowed this man to harm our children which I know isn’t what he wants or thinks he doing?’ Addiction not only destroys marriages it destroys families.. he recently almost OD in front of my 11 year old and I still keep him home and “safe” as I call it. I read sites trying to get help, trying to make sense of how my life went wrong! The answer I came up with is me.. I am allowing it and I need to disconnect and put myself and my kids first. Today was my vision, my epiphany on life.. I don’t know whatwill happen but I finally realized today that I deserve better, that my kids deserve better, that helping him has ripped me apart … the lies the hurtful things he has done. Tomorrow s the first day of my new today! I’m praying I will smile and feel happiness and have the sense to finally leave a man who has caused me so much pain. We did have happiness at one time but I’m done chasing that! Please pray for me and my whole family including my husband that we get through this and that each one of us finds our happily ever after.. I am not expert on addiction but one thing I can tell someone who is struggling through this find a good support system, don’t keep their dirty little secrets and never settle for being a babysitter! Wish me luck! Thiis journey should be easier than the Last 10-12 years I choose happiness not a another day of addiction!

  17. Hi, 3 years since this blog has been posted, but better late than never. I’ve read quite a lot of the comments posted below, and they all have one thing in common “how to move on without hurting…”
    To the last comment from Alice, it’s early days, you have just recently posted this month. I’m hoping you are achieving some desired effect about your spouse leaving your life. Please hang in there, I sense your pure frustration at wanting to move on but he’s not letting go so easily. You have a problem that needs a solution, and even if you can’t obtain the solution you desire immediately, please don’t stop praying about it. Keep headstrong and heart sure till then.
    I myself am currently going through the leaving process in my head. My fiance is an alcoholic, he’s also a lovable generous kindhearted man. That’s the part that makes me wanna stay with him. But the reasoning behind me leaving him now is the life problems we are going through. And reading every bodies life stories has finally hit the nail on the head for me! It’s not gonna get better, he’s not gonna quit drinking, no amount of patience, respect and caring will make him stop. At the moment our co-owned business is failing, and whenever I make attempts to sort it out with clients, I get told it’s not my role to play. We are in dire straits financially, about to lose our home, and our car – yes it’s happening! His response to all of this going on is to borrow money, drink from 3PM till pass out time, on the borrowed money, and just not do any further work for the business. Like, “if, there’s nothing I can do, until funds come in from clients to pay for supplies and wages. I’m just gonna take these worries and drink them away!”
    Anyways, I’m about to put all my household items up for sale, move back to folks, start a new beginning by hopefully finding a job soon. I have decided that no amount of manliness is worth it in my life, if the relationship couple doesn’t work together to improve their lives. I’m aiming for self-induced celibacy and don’t want another man in my life again. Just hit 50, diagnosed with full body arthritis, and soon no home, no car and no business to work. Lovely!!! Aiming for the next 50 years to be better, improved version of myself, but I am also aware that when the loneliness hits, it hits hard. Been there, done that, got through it. Still standing, although under a cloud of depression. The gs can only get better if one makes a choice to live right, not get worse…

  18. Jane: the description of your experience resonates with me. I did things and felt things that I never knew I could be capable of.
    I feel like I was a victim because I was so naive to what normal drug/alcohol use is, especially when someone is so good at hiding the fact that they have a problem. For almost a year, seeing this person on/off, I was misled into thinking the drug of their choice and form of using was actually ‘purer’ and cleaner, which actually turned out in fact to be stronger, more addictive, and damaging. Put simply, not a recreational drug.
    Somehow I did not put the pieces together and I took a chance at a relationship that was doomed from the start. What I have difficulty understanding is, did my addict change during his time with me (into something nasty and scary and unlike himself) or was he hiding his tendencies all along?
    Stories of ex girlfriends included them being overly paranoid about HIM being paranoid while on drugs, which I actually realised did happen! But it seemed to change….high and having fun to him getting high and accusing me of so many ridiculous things. I would laugh at first, cheating/talking to other men, talking to my friends about him negatively ect. Eventually I started doing things that would help ‘gain his trust’ like showing my phone, blocking contact with male friends, limiting my time with friends to 3 hours away from home. This didn’t make things better, it made things worse, he would always find something regardless.
    Without realizing it, these accusations, distrust, it all changed me. I felt horribly lonely, I was hiding from the people in my life, I was tending to his every need, and I was trying everything to get him to have a good day without drugs. This included the crazy idea that if he drank beer, he would be okay- if there was only enough beer in the house to get drugs off the mind.
    The alcohol was actually another addiction I denied.
    I didn’t get how he could accuse me of so much when I allowed him to move in with me and share my home and everything personal with him… could that be taken as meaningless?
    The final week before he left the house and I got my locks changed, I had 2 serious breakdowns where seeing him high and using was like a stab in my chest. The pain was too much to see him hurting himself, blowing his paycheck the same day he got it, and starting this binge with an unknown end of usage. In and out of the house to pick up more for 2-3 hours overnight.

    It is so hurtful to see the people you love hurt themselves. The person I was breaking down into was also an unloved person- and that is when I decided to let him go.
    He had not contacted me in a week, I gave him time for anything to be said, as we had no real final words, and nothing happened He disappeared….on to his next victim? I don’t even know. So I blocked all contact.
    I still don’t understand if my addict changed or if he just revealed himself in time by living with me? The emotional abuse, paranoia, compulsions, putting me down, mixed with small moments of extreme happiness/hope/love for me….I don’t know what to think of it..
    I just try and get my life back in order, and understand a bit more about addiction.

  19. Needed to read this page.
    Been together 9 years, two children , 1 failed business.
    Hubby is an incredibly hard worker untill he has an ‘episode we have lost near 50k to online gambling and owe money to family including 30k to my dying is tearing me apart. He also has z crazy smoking problem costing Round 150$/week..
    He disappears for full nights during his ‘episode and tells me nothing but yells and threatens if I won’t say where I have been ( for a couple hours).
    I’m constantly put down for working only 30 hours a week then collecting kids etc.. and told our life is because of him.. our vehicle.. money etc..and yet he soesent hesitate to raid my wallet tonight for example and wipe out our $200 grocery money.
    Then when I demand it back he says I’m obsessed with money and it’s all I care about which is why he blows it.
    I work at a bank so am terrified to leave him.. I couldn’t service the debts and he wouldn’t pay his share!
    If I go bankrupt I loose my great job and then would not be able to support myself and kids ( as he has pointed out for years) .
    Give it a few days and he will be begging to come back, sweeping his behaviour and spending under the rug while i try work out how I can fix the debt and no money for a fortnight.. blaming me for not loving him and pushing him away when he needs me the most.
    I try and stay great and strong for our young children but I am exhausted..and sick of acting like he is on track and telling family there’s no need to worry..
    Sorry for the huge vent.. I am at a complete loss in life.. I need him gone but he also won’t leave.. physically will not leave!!! What is my next step..

  20. Brenda, I think know one can tell you when it is right for you to leave. No judgement.A few people tried to encourage me to leave sooner than I did. I loved him and felt strong enough to be there and support. When I was ready to cut ties it was because I felt I had enpugh of his lies, manipulation, unfaithullness, lack of accoubtability and his lack of acknowledgement how his drinking has affected him and us. I was also realizing I was allowing this to affect me the way it was. I didn’t have to be there. I slowly realized after his last 2 week rehab session (8 months ago), our family group counselling week at the rehab center and the one-on-one counselling that things really weren’t going to change after I set my boundaries and came up with a time frame to revisit the status of this relationship. I think boundaries are important if one can stick to them. (I wasn’t so good at that). I kept the hardships mostly to myself as I was protecting him and didnt understand why this was happening. He is a wonderful man with a horrible addiction. I think support is important and finding it in blogs or podcasts was my really helpful for me too. If I may share a podcast I listened to and found so helpful in gaining perspective of my feelings and where I was at day to day: Wife of an Alcoholic by Michelle Lisa Anderson. I skipped through the first minute or two of encouragement to subscribe to the FB group and support group to get to the message of the podcast. I think the support group would have also been valuable had I not cancelled FB in my acts of distancing from my partner. I listen when I find things hard, my mind is battling my heart. I find strength in reading others experiences and thoughts and feelings that align with mine.
    Remember to take care of you. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

  21. Tamara, I found that my situation has been so much similar to what you described yours. The only slight difference is, my man has almost finished a 2 week + 28 days rehab treatment for the 2nd time in recent 5 years and addiction has been with him for 20 years as well. As living abroad I haven’t yet been able to find the suitable support group / counselling for myself (usually not in English) so the healing for myself has been slow. I rely on this blog and info I can find online for now. I’m still hesitant on how / when to end the relationship (or if I should end it) since he’s been starting to get his health back on track. I know that there’s nothing guaranteed and I should be fair to my own well being. In the beginning of this year I set a goal to myself that I have to learn to consider and take better care of myself this year. I felt the same that during this time when he’s in the treatment my peace has been growing back slowly as well. However, I still find it hard to sharp cut the relationship at the stage where he’s having some progress (though still long long way to go) and I would feel heavy if my leaving pushed him back to the addition. I wonder if I should also try setting up boundaries to the addict first and leave when he cannot follow, or should just leave now ??

  22. I have been working through my own recovery of a 1.5 yr relationship with a man who has struggled with alcohol addiction for about 20 years and has been through a 90 day, 30 day and 2 week rehab session within the last 8 years. In this last year I have taken him to emergency after finding him in his apartment nearly incoherent, initiated addiction counseling and couples counseling, attended family counseling at the rehab center. Though the relationship was relatively short in comparison to many of you, this time was packed full of at first, shared passions and interests and goals; then his disrespectful behaviour, inconsistency, not showing up, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, broken trust, manipulation, his words and actions not aligning, his mood swings and lashing out at me when trying to rouse him to get his butt to bed from the couch, chaos ensued. I didn’t realize how much his behaviour affected me until I was ready to fight with my life to protect my peace and guard my heart from him by cutting all contact from him. Focusing my care on ME and pretending to not care about him. He is so very good at saying the loving words he knows I want to hear, but his actions never aligned with those words at least not consistently at all. Once he knew I was invested again, which was always…..he reverted back to the far less than loving behaviour. I felt I was just a symbol of comfort for him. Someone recently posted on here that partners of an addict often become a symbol of “everything is ok”. I recognized this statement in my relationship. I couldn’t articulate at the time what it was, but I felt I wasn’t really loved, but just a comfortable thing in his life. Security of not being alone. One of the terrible things of addiction is the isolation often times seen. It has been just over a month since I have not responded to his text messages, emails, or phone calls. My peace is growing and the hurt in my heart is growing smaller. I think this was made easier as he isolated himself more and more and I chose to not be the one to pursue him as I would have in the past. I was slowly allowing myself to let go, hold on, and let go again. It is a rollercoaster and it has been one of the most painful experiences I have ever experienced. I felt I was leaving him to some predator, vulnerable and unable to protect himself. It isn’t my job. I was there to be by his side and loved him and committed if he was committed to his recovery in an open and honest direction. But he wasn’t/isn’t there yet and I don’t think he really loved me. He is a grown man and makes his choices. I deserve to feel peace and consistency in love in a relationship just as anyone does.
    I am now focused on me and trying to figure out why I allowed the verbally and mentally abusive type behaviour for as long as I did.

  23. First off, THANK YOU so much for this blog !!!

    Not only it has helped me to understand EVERYTHING but most importantly has given me the insight and capacity to stay away from my ex-BF how clearly has a multiple substance abuse that has constantly risk him and me during the course of our 6 months together.

    I didn’t have much experience with addiction, as I don’t drink or do drugs (not even aspirins) so I have always been flexible about the fact that others drink instead of labeling right away as alcoholics.
    However, when this man and I met, I should have paid more attention to the FACTS.

    When we met, he was drinking while drunk AND high and when he talked to me, he invaded my personal space and touched my car without reason.

    Over time, I kept running into him and felt like helping him with his business, until one day he told me a “sad” story for which I fell.

    Long story short, in only 6 months I got the following:

    1) An STD
    2) Exposure to HIV
    3) Upheaval as I found at least TWICE he cheated on me
    4) LIED in my face about his consumption of (get ready for the list) … mushrooms, alcohol, speedball, cocaine, xanax, plus other pills I truly cannot recall.
    5) The constant fighting (from my end to get straight stories, be proactive, plan ahead of time, care for me, be on time, be considerate, be consistent, help me to clean the things he would use, take me out on dates, give me recognition for driving him around and for helping him CONSTANTLY with his own business PLUS buying him clothes &.food) was OBVIOUSLY my fault… (sigh)

    Overall I know now:
    1) I was not a co-addict but an active ADDICT , as I was chasing the original feeling (appreciation, fun, companionship) that never came back
    2) Staying away from him (even if the fear of not finding someone else materializes which I know it won’t) is WAY better than living in fear and paranoia for not being able to trust
    3) Trust (as someone once told me) is like a crystal vase. If it’s broken, you can glue it, but it’s never flawless again… The story applies to one breakage. In addictive relationships the vase disappears piece by piece.
    4) As much as intellectually you are ready to leave (and I have) it’s not easy some days (that’s how I know I am not a co-addict but an addict).
    5) My happiness, my safety, my calmness and my life are MORE important and should come first over and above anyone else’s.
    6) Addicts are EXCELLENT manipulators (you should see him in the past crying and begging every time I tried to break free)… they don’t want to lose you … It’s not because you are fantastic (or me) It’s because you become a symbol of “I am OK, what I do is OK”
    That fake stamp of approval granted by your presence, once removed by you breaking free, makes us all face reality.


    With you leaving recovery will kick start at least for 50% of the pair … and that 50% is YOU!
    You (and I) deserve to be loved completely and unconditionally, be provided safety, consistency and appreciation in the calmness of a loving partner.

    Lots of love and light for all the readers… May we all quickly find and understand our lessons and move on with peace and love while sending them also, all our love and light as well..

    As we all are one.

  24. Eric,
    I would ask her to either leave or go into detox and treatment right away. You and your children especially should not be in the home with someone who is shooting up drugs or high all the time. This is not safe or healthy for any of you. You need to create boundaries and let her know if she doesn’t get clean and stay clean then things will change dramatically. This is not easy but I think offering support in getting help is a first step. An addict will placate you by telling you what you want to hear but remember ACTIONS speak louder than words. It is not what they say it is what they do and you will know in your gut if she is getting clean or not.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  25. Lauren,
    the truth is there are no guarantees. If you can live with that then maybe you can move on with him. When trust is broken and the father of your children puts your child’s life in danger by being high around them and caring for them like that, I have to admit, it is a hard thing to forgive and even harder to get that trust back. Every addict and situation is different but most of the time addicts have the same behavior. I don’t know the answer for you but I would tell you to find out more about addiction as soon as you can so you can make an educated decision. As I have said relapse is common, lies and manipulation are all part of it so there are no guarantees.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  26. Mary,
    It is time to find an alternative to this situation. Enlist the support of friends and family and find a way to be able to do what you need to do to support yourself and your child. You are young and you have so many options you just have to find the strength to make them happen.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  27. Jillian,
    all I can say is that I am proud of you for seeing the situation for what it is and having the strength to move on and change your life. It is for the better
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  28. I’ve been with my wife for 16 years. We’ve been through a lot together. 7 years ago she confessed she was addicted to shooting opioids. We worked her through rehab and I’ve been so proud of all her hard work the last seven years. Now I have found out that she is hooked on shooting meth and doing uppers. We have 2 boys, 14 and 6 … I don’t want to separate them from their mother, but I’m not sure I can keep putting up with the lies and I don’t feel safe in our own home … I’m not sure what to do… Any thoughts?

  29. When I met my husband he was an ex meth addict. He said he was clean and sober for 10 years and as person who has never used drugs I believed him. We got married and had two beautiful children. I recently found out that my husband has been using meth again for the past three years of our four year marriage. He was more than likely on it for the conception and birth of my second child. He has used in my home and in my vehicles where my toddlers are. He was a stay at home dad while I was in the service which means he was using then solely responsible for my kids safety. I have kicked him out and now he is in a detox program and outpatient rehab. He tells me he wants to be the husband and farther and we deserve and he wants to get clean and stay clean. I want to believe him but three quarters of our marriage and the both of our kids whole lives have been nothing but lies and deceit from him. I love him and I want him to get better but I don’t know if he will actually get clean and stay clean. I don’t want my kids growing up in that lifestyle. I don’t know what the right decision is.

  30. Hi. I am a 19 year old teen mom. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. In high school we both went out and partied and had fun. When I got pregnant we moved in together and I thought everything was great. He has severe weed and alcohol addiction. He was high my entire pregnancy and now has been for 9 months of my daughters life. I need help. He tells me I’m mean and I’m crazy and I’m the problem. I don’t want my daughter around this. I a stay at home mom though I have no money to leave. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m to the point where I hate him.

  31. I really needed to read this! I’m preparing myself for my third & final break-up from my alcoholic partner of 10 years. I just don’t feel the love I once did. I love him as a person, but I don’t to marry him, he talks about marriage all the time. It’s clear that I’ll probably never trust him nor fully recover from his infidelity. And, I’m dubious he’ll ever get sober. Whether or not he does, I’m ready to start a new life without him. I’ve been in Al-Anon for about 3 1/2 years & the work that I’ve done will not allow me to lie to myself or ignore my needs any longer. I’m selling my house after 23 years & moving to a new space with no sad/bad memories. It’s truly a clean slate & I’m so excited for the life that awaits me & my son <3

  32. Hi, I have been with my addict boyfriend for 2 years now. I’m a non-smoker myself and seldom drink. When the relationship started he did tell me that he has alcohol problem and regularly attended AA meeting but I didn’t know enough about the issues and didn’t know his condition is so serious at that time. Now 2 years passed, I’ve been through seeing him going back and forth to his addiction(usually a 3 months cycle), living with him but eventually having to move away in order to avoid further violence and recently being asked to marry him but I had to call emergency for him later because he had drunk too much and told me that he’s dying….when he’s under influence he can call me in the middle of the night for 8 times. Now he’s having in-patient treatment in a hospital for addict, sobered up but still call me once or twice a day. I’m drained and exhausted about all these cycles over these 2 years and have always been told by my friends to leave the relationship and I know that it’s the right thing to do. I still love him though. Even though I want to leave the relationship to take care of my own well-being and live my life, I’m worried that my leaving would push him back to the addiction when he’s making some progress from the treatment. I wonder when would be the right time or a better time to do this??

  33. Jane, you sound pretty strong to me. You are going to get through this. The key is to open your eyes. It took me a long time to realize that I was the one with the problem. I was completely hiding behind his addiction by focusing on his problems and not worrying about myself. My daughter open my eyes for me. I think your eyes are Open now. I know you’re going to be just fine.

  34. I have just finished your book I read it from cover to cover without a break. How amazing that you got through the turmoil and nightmare that I have been going through. I hope that I will become as strong as you have as time passes My best wishes to you and your little rock Sage how brave you both are. You have given me Hope and I Hope that people will read your book and realize that they are not alone and more importantly not to blame. Also the mother in law issue is similar to me. When I wasnt enabling I have recently found out she was coming round to the house giving him money . Peace and Love Jane xxxx

  35. Thanks Amanda your book has just arrived today in the nick of time I am looking forward to reading it and getting myself back
    Thanks again

  36. Jane,
    Of course it will get better. It does take time and you have to ride this out and turn the focus off of what he is doing (or not doing) and turn it on you.
    That will come in time, I promise, I am living breathing proof. Being with him, the ups and downs is like it’s own addiction. It takes time to retrain into some healthy behaviors and into healthy relationships.
    Don’t give up, just find the support you need to get you through this part right now, reading my articles, my book, that is all a step in the right direction.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, CHC, AADP, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  37. Hi I have left my addict boyfriend after 5 years of his substance abuse. His lies and manipulation were unreal. I still have overwhelming urges to contact him it has only been a week. he texted me saying he would come round to chat but i ignored his text although it was hard. I thought the hard bit was kicking him out but this is worse. I am waiting for counselling I cant eat and am smoking cigarettes more. I have told my friends and family what it was like living in chaos and they are so glad he is gone. I am hanging on hoping that the urge to speak to him will subside I think he has already moved on to his next victim and still I miss him. Our 5 years together were all lies although he said he does care about me its not enough. I have been abused verbally mentally emotionally and on the odd occasion physically. I have been humiliated and lowered myself to screaming matches with him and even hit out and kicked him. How long does this go on for. I am waiting for Hope Street to arrive soon in the post. This is so hard!!!

  38. Tiff, Luz, Laura, Sarah, Letty,
    you all face the painful decision of letting someone go because they are too toxic in your life. Maybe some of you have not even considered it but if you are here then you have and it is a start. It is okay to let go of someone who constantly hurts you, it is okay to stand up for yourself, your sanity, your peace, and your right to be happy. Guilt definitely comes into play because you feel like you are giving up but there comes a point where the addict is just manipulating and using you so it is okay to stop that cycle and end it once and for all. It is not helpful for them and not for you either.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  39. My boyfriend is addicted to Crystal meth , I don’t do any drugs, and I’m tired of all the back and forth arguments we have, he won’t admit to his problem. Why do I feel guilty every time I want to break up with him???

  40. I’ve been going to Nor-Anon meetings to find the support to overcome my codependent behaviour. Last night my cocain-addict partner has disappeared for hours. What made me eventually sleep was the idea of seeing me in a flat, on my own without him. I’m still scared of course but am ready for the next pain to come due to the separation which I’ll face tomorrow after he’s overcome today’s horrible state of mind he’s of course in. I’m in pain anyway but at least I will start been serene again, I guess. Thank you for this blog. It’s exactly what I needed today

  41. My partner of 5 years is an addict..i myself suffer with severe anxiety.this has gotten worse as his addiction has progressed, I love him deeply and I’m afraid of loosing him but I simply cannot go on any more.

  42. This blog is amazing!!!!!
    I have a very close friend with an addiction to booze and xanax. I am an expat in her country and all of her family either lives abroad or has passed away so we became very close. She has been supportive and caring and amazing to me and I love her like a sister. She has also been addicted for quite some time and I failed to notice until about a couple of years ago. I confronted her about it and she said she had been drinking too much due to stress (she was facing a horrific divorce) and that I was right and she was going to stop. I never saw her drunk and slurry again, but she was more and more anxious and had nervous tics and some days was very depressed and others very maniac. I thought it was all the stuff she was facing with the divorce.
    Some of her friends reached out and told me about things she was doing around town when high, and being taken to jail and all sort of stories that I had no clue of! Partly because she was so good at hiding it from me and because, in spite of being worried, I chose subconsciously to always make excuses for her and blamed it on the divorce. Accepting it meant I had to do something about it. Acknowledging all the lies also meant dealing with the fact she valued her fix, more than our friendship and I could not deal with that. It meant I was alone again in a foreign country and that was painful and scary! I understand that now after reading your posts and turning the questions around to me.
    Anyway, we had an intervention and asked her to get help. She accepted at first, then went on a series of lies and evasion and procrastinating rehab, etc etc. Eventually she got into rehab and has been there for only 3 weeks and is coming home next Saturday. She is in full denial and claims everything is ok.
    As much as I love her, I don´t want to deal with all the lies and worries and inexplicable car accidents, etc. I am aware there is nothing I can do or say to make her recover. But she has this way of showing up and acting like nothing happened! It makes you feel like you make stuff up cause she is golden! How do I keep away? How do I set boundaries? How do I get over this awful feeling of being a bad friend for turning my back on her at her darkest hour? How can I draw the fine line between loving her but not dealing with her? It is so confusing!

  43. I have been dealing with my meth addicted husband for over 2 years. who’s been in and out of jail the whole marriage. I’m finally letting go, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He will never understand what he’s done to me. Sad that he cannot care.

  44. Sal,
    You are going to be fine, I can promise you that. If you keep your positive attitude with you as much as you can it will become the norm. You will be able to breathe again and with this new peace you will find yourself and create a safe and happy environment for your children. You are doing the right thing for your family don’t doubt yourself ever again.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  45. Andre, It sounds like she has put you through enough so if you have the strength to finally leave and that is what you want don’t let her or anyone else guilt you into staying. If you need to leave and you want this to be over then it can and it should. Walking away from a toxic situation is hard but it will take you out of the line of fire so you can work on you without the distraction.

    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  46. Valeria and Nicola,
    You are not alone. You need to gain perspective and really start to listen to that voice inside your head that tells you there is something else out there, something better because there is. You don’t have to be in this situation and although it feels like you can’t get out, I am here to tell you that you can.

    T, I think you are starting to see that there is an end to all of this and that there is definitely something better for you out there. All of you need to but the energy and the focus on you now and figure out why you are here, what kept you here so long and how you can make the changes in yourself to heal from this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  47. Carrie,
    Living with an addict is a traumatic experience. It changes you and maybe brings out all of your insecurities and twists all of your fears into something worse and something real. You have some serious guilt about what your first husband did and though you know it is not your fault, it lives with you and is unresolved. You are attracting the same man because you have not resolved your first relationship and you know this man, he is familiar. It sounds like addiction is familiar to you and you know how to dance around it even though you don’t want to. You are begging for help and I am going to help you but first you have to commit to something. You have to commit to making a change and not looking back. Although it is safe to say his addiction is controlling your life it is also safe to say that you are allowing it to because no one is forcing you to stay. What happens to him after, as in the case of your first husband, is NOT YOUR FAULT. Remember, just like you couldn’t change the addict, you have no control over what they do or don’t do. Start by saying you want to change something and then find out what that is and take small steps to get you there. Read Hope Street, my other articles here and they will help you, I will help you….but you have to be ready.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  48. Diana,
    I think in this case you have to show your friend that he cannot be in your life behaving like this. You are a friend and you deserve a friend in return. I am not saying you should abandon a friend but with an addict you no longer have your friend and you need to set boundaries. You can tell him that if he wants to continue to destroy his life, you won’t watch him do it but when he is ready for real help, you will be there for him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  49. I’ve been with my husband for 20 yrs. He relapsed 3 yrs into our marriage and I moved out for 9 months while we got individual and marital therapy. He’s a functioning addict so for many years it appeared he was okay. I realized he relapsed again 3 yrs ago and once again I moved out (I thought for good). But he convinced me to come back within a month promising to move me and the children out himself if he didn’t get himself together. Well, needless to say he didn’t. I realized he had most likely not stopped using (just got better at hiding it November 2015, January 2016 a few months later, we lost our oldest son in a tragic car accident. “Billy” I’ll call him, was not a son of my womb, but he was a son of my heart having helped my husband and his mom raise him since he was 7….losing him devastated all of us. So I busied myself trying to help us all heal, including out two youngest children (teens) who were having a really difficult time. My husband sank deeper into his addiction and it became evident to the children that something was seriously wrong. I tried to lovingly confront him saying instead of leaving as promised I wanted to walk beside him and support him in getting help. He could not and would not own where he really was until he successfully neglected paying bills and we came home to our cable being cut off.

    I have decided to face my fear of everything connected to being on my own with my children and leave my husband….a good but broken man. I have been honest with my kids and let them know there father his struggling with an addiction and we need to move to a safer environment. They are angry but not surprised by the news. I have secured an apartment (I can barely afford) and am afraid to death to follow through and tell my husband I’m leaving. He’s now in treatment and trying to pull it together but I know he suspects I’m leaving. He’s making promises…..I know he believes himself and has NO idea how the years of addiction and codependency has eroded my hope for us ever living happily ever after. I have a great support system and I’m scared but I keep telling myself I’ll be okay and I don’t need all the answers or the guarantee to a smooth transition to now do whats right and best for me and my children. I have given myself permission to do what best for me….it’s hurts…its scary but by the grace of God I will follow through….its my life that needs saving now and no one can do that for me……this I MUST do and participate in for myself….and my children

  50. This blog has been eye opening for myself with dealing with seeing how I’ve been a co addict towards my girlfriend of almost 6 year relationship which 5 years have been extremely toxic due to her drinking and actions from drinking.
    Which includes her health issues and placing herself in extremely dangerous situation with other Men during our relationship which I’ve forgiven her for but it’s hard to stop thinking about.
    She has enter into treatment but at this point I’m tired of being tired and feeling guilty for asking her for a break to heal which she refuses to accept.
    She has no one other myself as her outside support system and leaving her during in house treatment program I feel like I’m abandoning her?
    Should I stand my ground and leave the relationship or remain for which she wants to come home weekends?

  51. I have been with my husband for 12 years on and off. He was addicted to crack not long after we first met, and hid it from me for a year. I moved away from him and he just kept following me and not letting me get on with my life. This went on for 4 years until finally he let me help him with drug counselling etc
    Now we have been Married for nearly 2 years and only 3 months ago I found out he has been hiding the fact he is addicted to crack once again. He has hidden it from me for 10 months. I have tried t help him but he just lies and deceives me and puts myself and my son in danger. He wont leave me alone he sends me messages making me feel its my fault and he says i’m leaving him to die etc…….. I just want to have a normal life but i’m constantly dragged into this horrible one. I don’t know what to do? I feel I may have a break down if it doesn’t stop!!

  52. I married my husband which when i met told me he was a drug and alcohol abuse counselor.he would go with me to parties where i myself drank and he always told me he didnt mind it he just helped people with it n he didnt do it i tjought that was good. Big difference from ppl i dated before… We got married n a week after problems started. He lost his job because aparently he wasnt showing up i noticed he was using coricidin n he said he had a cold. But its been three months and i found out he does heroin. Hes addicted to opiates and i find myself searching the car the bathroom his clothes every possible place because ive found pills even in the gas tank in our car. Im sick of it i cant even have peace in my own mind anymore. I have a 9 year old whos isnt his son and he really likes him even tho one day he did tell me he was worried avbout my husband because he thought he was on drugs. So even my son is starting to know. We live with my parents and they dont know. I thought i could keep a close eye on him n just help him little by little but he lies aaaall the time about everything n always gets caught. Im exhausted? . he tells me he doesnt wanna live without me and i am scared hell do something when i met him he had came out here from pennsylvania and has no family out just lost right now.he tells me im just paranoid but i find pills in his car like if he does them ill find like 1 n trash from pills but says its not his! I feel like he calls me stupid to my face.

  53. Hey. I want to start off by saying something to Carrie (the last person who posted). I know you are going thru something terrible. I can truly feel you pain while I was reading your post. I am not married and have not kids, but I am dealing with a woman that I’ve known since 13 years old, and been in a relationship since 17 years old. In the beginning I was aware that the majority of her family were addict, but she wasn’t at the time. But in 2010, it finally caught with her. At first it was prescription pills, but since November 2016, she has been doing heroin and meth. And what’s worse is her oldest brother convinced her to start doing both. Everyone in my family and all of my friends are telling me to leave her. But like you, I have been afraid that her addiction will get worse and she will end up dying soon or getting herself hurt. But this is what I know, I know that I cannot help a person who does not want to help theirself. It’s completely pointless. I need to be very strong right now and get out of this before she brings me down with her. I am not responsible for her. I am 30 years old with no children and not married, so I know this may not be as serious as things are for others, but it’s very difficult to break up a home you have with someone, and for 5 or more years. I read all of these posts and honestly, they have fueled me. They are helping me realize that I need to do what it takes for me to be happy, and I know for sure staying with an addict that doesn’t listen and doesn’t want help, will not make me happy. I need to figure out my own issues and focus on not making the same mistakes. You have to ask yourself “do I get out and take a chance on happiness, or do I stay and take the risk on being hurt emotionally (and possibly physically)?” Well that’s​ an easy asnwer if you’ve already tried many times to make things right in your relationship. We must be strong and learn to take care of ourselves more before we think about taking care of someone else. I’m am hurt severely by my situation, but something is telling me that I will be better once I leave, and something is telling me that I will not get better if I stay. So I hope and pray that I am transferring strength and energy to all of you because you all have made me a stronger person. It’s time to see that green grass on the other side. And if it’s not green, I will learn how to do landscaping! Good luck to all of you!! Be strong Carrie. You know what you have to do!! You will be ok after. You’ll see!

  54. I obviously have issues im in my second marriage with an addict, my first husband died from overdose and years later im married to someone almost exactly like the first husband, they both lied and cheated and hid every time they use and then make up more lies every time they get caught and then apologize and swear it will never happen again and that this time they mean it and they will be the husband i need them to be but in a week or less we are back to the same stuff.. i want to be a good wife and mother and i want to not give up on my husband now like i gave up on the husband before that died after i left him.. i do love my husband with all that is in me and i want so desperately to live a normal life not full of tears and anxiety and fear and stress and worry and sadness and anger but deep down i know even though he loves me he cannot stop his addiction and he will never be the husband he promises to be.. ive been waiting years for that promise to be fulfilled and it has not been, its been good at times and worse at others and maybe the good times are what help me think it will change when all of me knows it wont.. so why cant i leave him? what is so wrong with me that i cant give up on him and let him go and face the sad reality of his addiction? since we met he has been more sober than before he was with me, and slowly he has been turning back into the person he was before me and ive seen him while he has been with me go from a healthy man to a very sick man and from a happy man to an angry man in active addiction.. ive been hit, been cheated on , been left, been lied to literally thousands of times, been given promises that have never been fulfilled so why am i still here and why do i feel paralyzed and unable to let go and move on and be happy with just my kids? i know kids are part of it because i know it will be a fight with the children he and i share and i dont have the money to fight him in court. i know i will be sad and angry and lost without him, but a part of me inside is telling me its been over since it began and im just too stupid to leave.. is there a place i can go to help me figure out who the hell i am so i can be happy and move on? when you leave someone who you know will probably die once you do does that make me responsible? we split for 11 days last summer and in those 11 days he talked to random strangers woman and men sexually, started shooting meth, smoking weed, drinking, and running the streets and almost killing himself, passing out while driving in a storm during a tornado and waking up in a ditch not knowing where he was and me the entire time begging him to come home because i didnt want to lose another husband to the same disease.. what is wrong with me? i know it sounds absurd even typing this knowing all he has done and i still stay and i dont know why.. please if someone is out there that knows anything that can help me im begging you to help me.

  55. Hi my name is Diana and i am currently struggling of dealing with a best friend who is addicted to alcohol and drugs. the drugs make him crazy and put him in a false sense of reality. he is in love with me but i can never feel the same way and he cannot accept that. he will go above and beyond to try to get me but i think it is the drugs talking. i am terrified to leave him because i am scared he will become worse or even kill him self. i am also broken because i feel as if i’m the last person who is there for him. every time i bring up him being clean, it will become into a screaming argument where he will call me a bunch of things and bring me down. deep down he is an amazing person that cares but i cannot deal with the drugs anymore. i cannot stand the torture of it. i don’t know what to do, i have tried everything for 3 years but nothing seems to work.

  56. Alahnna, Gayla, Ivette & Christina,

    I want to address all of you regarding your separate circumstances but unfortunately the issues you are dealing with a relatively the same. The issues start and end with you because there has to be a point when you realize you have to take care of yourself and your children and that you cannot change, help, support or enable the addict anymore if you want your life to change and get better. The more you become intertwined in the attic’s life the worst things will get the more you focus on yourself and your healing and health the better things will get. It sounds like a blanket statement but I am talking to you from great experience. It is the only way

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  57. So I’m a recovering addict of meth i’ve been clean almost 7 years and never want to go back. I’ve been married 6 years also to an addict, but hes not been able to stay clean. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and 2 with my husband. My husband is a great person, hard worker and very intelligent when hes not high! He just did 2.5 years in prison, for abusing me ( I know stupid me, but I told myself its just the drugs, not him!) anyways, i thought hed had it this time and I waited faithfully, visiting him with our kids and buying him what ever he needed. Hes only been out less than 4 months and is locked up again for dirty tests. I feel like an idiot! IM embarrassed more than anything because I had gotten him a great job with my company. WE JUST moved into a new house I can’t afford by myself and this week its both of our children’s birthdays, he has only been out of jail for 1 of them. I want to leave, and never look back! But he keeps making me feel so guilty that the vows I said I’m not standing by, really? I have waited and waited and u keep failing us! I’m just wondering if I should leave him while hes already down and out in jail? or stay by his side? I feel like its never going to change! His mother and brother are both addicts too, and none of them can get their shit together. ITs just not the life I want anymore, I have changed SO much and have come too far to let this take me out. I have 4 kids to worry about, but thats where I’m wondering, is it best to leave? OR stay with an addict whos not around much anyways? I mean this jail stay will prob take him to rehab since hes on state parole, but I just feel like enough is enough! I want to make the right choice but will feel so bad if I stay and he just does it again after he completes his rehab. So confused!

  58. My boy friend is a meth user we where fine 2 weeks ago and all of a sudden he is not in love with me anymore went from loving me so much to just I care for you but I’m not in love with you it broke my heart he doesn’t care what’s happened is it the drug talking ?

  59. Me again. He went to jail after only being out of Rehab 4 months. They found crack pipe and resuude of crack cocaine on him. He got out of jail and court has made him go back to Rehab for 12 months. Either rehab or jail..He did not want to go to either but had no other choice. The rehab he went to is the same one he has been to 5 times now. I’m actually shocked they let him come back. I start to heal and they he shows up saying he will.stop doing drugs this time
    His own mom is done with him and want nothing to do with him. What is wrong with me?

  60. Hi, my now ex and I had been together 4 years, just last month he broke it off with me. He has a drug and gambling addiction, before we got togrther he would take drugs occassionally but things got worse.If I go back to where things started, I lost my grandad which was the hardest thing I ever dealt with at that time, watching him die was horrible, 2 months later I lost my dad to suicide, his family were horrible and blamed my mum brother and I for his death, so there was a feeling of huge loss for me. I leant on myour boyfriend so much for support, however he always felt a bit helpless and didn’t know how to help. Little arguments would happen as I was in a fairly low place, but the arguments were not that bad. A year later, I found out my partner was taking drugs (I saw a text message on his phone) he denied it all even when I said I saw the message to his drug dealer. But he then focused all his anger on the fact I saw this message ( I had suspicion he had been taking drugs) he finally admitted to taking drugs, he said it was only cocaine. His behaviour changed in the last 6 months of our relationship, he wouldn’t come to bed until 2am and sleep only 2 hours, he lost motivation for what he loved to do he had such a short attention span, getting angry so easily. I also found out about an online gambling addiction he had, (he spent $35k in 4 months) again, when I would confront him about that he would get very angry and try turn the tables on me. He had his own business which was also a stressful thing to manage. Arguments were almost every day as I was always worried he was getting drugs (as there were times he would say he is just getting smokes, but in fact getting drugs) he would go in the garage a lot, so I would barely see him. Some times he would have good days, other days he would be really depressed, eat a whole tub of ice cream, showed me very little affection.

    I tried to get his parents involved to help, at first they were supportive but then when they spoke to him, he would say he takes the drugs and gambles because things went down hill since my dad died, and I changed. So then his parents were against me, same with his friends, he would go on rants telling them how I’ve made him depressed, how i was comtrolling and a physco etc. It was so heartbreaking the man I loved with all my heart was saying all of these things and blaming it all on me.

    He said a few times that we both needed to break up to focus on ourselves and then eventually get back together when we are better. Things went from bad to worse as I couldn’t let him go, so we stayed in the relationship his drug use got worse same with gambling. We were 2 broken people trying to fix this relationship. He broke so many things in the house if I would simply question him about where the money is going etc. We did have one real heart to heart conversation he and I both cried and said how much we love each other, how many good memories and he said he truly believes that we can make it to a point where we are back together as we are so in love. We both went overseas for a few weeks, he was detoxing and with friends (who influence him to believe I am the reason why he takes drugs as that is what he told them-note I am totally against drugs and have never taken them) I then found out that he had been taking meth and had been on a huge binge recently (he didn’t tell me this). I was so devastated to know he had been taking meth.

    He tried rehab but only lasted 2 days as it ‘was like prison’ he thought and ended up going back overseas to be with his brother, where he can party and hang out with girls, yet he thinks it’s a better place for him to be than rehab (again, he didnt tell em this) I am again so heartbroken as rehab was the hope I was holding onto that he would get better and take responsibility, he seemed so ready for Rehab. When I spoke to him a few days before rehab, he said he was looking forward to it, I asked him if he loved me, he said “I always have loved you” i asked again if he STILL loves me, he said, yes I do, but then proceeded to say “what do you want me to say, you always change what I say” as I over analyse things, but he was really angry because I did.

    He is still detoxing and has been now for about 4 weeks (hasn’t been at home for 5 weeks)We have barely spoken in an entire month and a half. Whenever I text him to say things like I really want the old you back, or to even ask him if he has moved on or anything about the dogs (which he absolutely loves) he would just ignore it all, and just say that he hasn’t been communicating that much as he is trying to work on himself and get better. I feel like I am losing him, that he is moving on, but then I don’t know what is going through his head as he is withdrawing (note I don’t think he was an extreme user of meth) is it normal behaviour for someone going through withdrawls to just block a part of their life out (which is me, the dogs, house etc) as it is totally not like him to not care, it was like a switch flicked and he stopped caring about me. I love him so much and still hold on to what little hope I can. It’s really hard as I do not know anyone that has ever been through withdrawals, so I don’t know what behaviour to expect. He is almost blocking me from his life and seemsee so emotionless.

  61. Sherri,
    Your instincts about him and about this woman are right on. You shouldn’t second guess yourself but as co-addicts we want so desperately to believe that the addict will one day wake up from their self-inflicted nightmare. Staying only enables him and hurts you and very importantly your children. I know standing alone can be scary but truly understanding the emotional damage to your family for staying can be just the push you need. I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer:

  62. I’ve been in a rocky relationship for over twelve years with an alcoholic and opiate addict. We have two children who have been drawn into the middle of out disfunction on too many occasions to count. I moved out 3 years ago because of his severe alcohol use hoping he would see what a loss he had suffered and quit drinking. That was far from what happened, he then turned to opiate use and it has been so horrible. Never to get too far away from his dealer who is a 59 year old woman who has been dealing and doing drugs for over 45 years. He finally tried rehab for the third time but left a few days in. He then started a Suboxone treatment and moved him self in the very day he took his first strip. For whatever reason he cannot seem to stay away from the nasty dealer and says I’m judgemental and a hypocrite for not liking her. I know she’s evil and I know he’ll never change. My brain says run run run, but my heart says stay, he can change he just needs to try harder and I need to be more patient and kinder. I’m so confused about why I stay.

  63. Khya,
    Honestly, enough is enough when you say it is. How much more can you take before you
    realize that you and your children should not have to live this way? You know deep down that you have to leave and get support from other people to help you through this but he voice of reason frequently gets silenced by the voice that tells us that maybe if this or that happens; he will change.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  64. Veronique,
    I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. It is an eye opener for so many of us and I know firsthand that staying with an addict is a gamble. Sometimes, but rarely the story ends well but these are far and few between. I want to clarify that this is not to bash people who struggle with addiction–quite the opposite, this is just to help heal the people around them that they hurt and so that those people can learn to have compassion for the addict’s difficult disease.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  65. Hi, I have been in a relationship with my partner for seven years. We have a 17month old boy and I am due to have my second bub in a week. We have always struggled with addiction and money issues ect together but I finally thought I’d found the light at the end of the tunnel when we both started a treatment program through out chemist. Having our first baby, I thought everything would be OK that he would man up and be a great dad because he’d known what it is to have an absent father. I’ve always seen the signs and chose to ignore them hoping, praying that I was making things up in my head. I can no longer ignore the signs because they have increased significantly, he has pushed his family away, our friends, worked with no income to speak of and regularly sleeps for a few days at a time. I thought that me getting better and choosing to be the best mum I can be would inspire him to do the same but in reality it’s just shone a light on his flaws and made him a better liar. I wanted desperately to live as a normal family with our two boys. As the birth of bub two draws nearer I’m realising how selfish it is to stay, they don’t deserve to have no food in the fridge or to have to tip toe around because dads tired and grumpy. He is a good dad at times but I’m having to question the integrity of that and am almost certain those times are under the influence. I just want freedom from this never ending story but am so afraid to let go and to be alone. I wanted to give him a chance to be the best dad he could be but when is enough enough?

  66. I am almost 44. I have never had any addictions, with exception to chocolate, and am thankful. In the last year, even though married to a non-addict for decades now, I started communicating with my addict ex-boyfriend from high school. Yes, I know this is wrong, but here comes the point. Decades had gone by and I received a letter saying that he was sorry for all of the pain that his addiction had put me through during high school, and that if I were to be around him now, I would be so amazed at what a different person he was. Well, I met him for a walk one day and he pulled off a good act, but when I went to walk him back to his vehicle, he wouldn’t have any of it. What was he hiding? Several months later, I bumped into him unexpectedly in a parking lot and there was booze on his breath in the middle of the afternoon. So, here I sit typing to say that I am happy that I didn’t waste my life with him. As much as I always wondered if he was “the one” and I even somehow still “love” him even though married to another, he would have ruined my life. This is a letter to any of you who were my age (19) or thereabouts when I decided to let go of him and to tell you that it was so very hard. But it’s the right thing to do. As we come to the end of 2016, my brother and I learned this year that our own mother has been hiding her own secret about our father – longstanding alcoholism. He died last month and my mother successfully hid “what” he really was from everyone right up to and including the funeral, but in doing so, where has her life gone? A desperate scramble to cover what really was. And yes, when she married him nearly 50 years ago as a “good girl” who was studious, her whole family told her that she could do better and that he was bad news. She didn’t listen – instead charmed by what fun he was to be around. I think it to be no coincidence that I learned this year that my high school ex has not changed, decades later, at the same time as I learned the truth about my own father. Had I not left my ex way back then, my life would have ended up like my mother’s, who is now nearly 70 and is left with a box of empty bottles to return and with coverups and lies regarding her husband – my father. Save yourselves – have compassion but put yourself first. You have to.

  67. Nathan, I totally feel your pain! I was in the same situation. Having friends who support you right now is vital. You’re grieving and it’s OK to question your decisions. The thing you should be saying to your ex is if she loved you she would stop harming herself, you, and those around her. I’m sure if you’ve done any research you will have uncovered you cannot change someone….they have to want to change/stop on their own. You may have given her the kick in the pants she needs to get professional help. In the meantime take care of yourself and remember you are not alone!! Feel free to vent/reply back because someone is in the same boat as you and can sympathize with you. Stay strong!!!

  68. Nathan,

    It is hard, I know but you are on the right road with a good understanding of the real issue. You now know that if you wait for her to make you happy–you may be waiting forever. You want more but you need to figure out who you are, What you need and stand on your own two feet before you look got someone to share your life with. The pain will subside and you will move on, it just takes time.
    ou are ready I am here to help. Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer:

  69. So here i am reading this blog trying to find answers and reasons for what has been happening in my life. I kicked out my girlfriend of two years two weeks ago and have found myself soul searching, as now I have finally stopped threatening to leave and actually left I feel I can no longer blame her for my unhappiness. Reading through all these topics has helped me gain a better understanding of what has been the truth of the situation. My girlfriend has a massive life pattern of drug abuse and alcoholism and goes through a cycle around every 2 months, sometimes more frequently which can last up to a week or a month. The sad thing for me is that after 4 months I realised I was not right for this relationship and person and wanted to leave, but chose to keep reinvesting and pretty much lived in denial with her for the next one and a half years. I was so used to blaming her for my life not being able to move forward that I never looked at myself. I can see this was true before I met her. Inhale learnt that from this info that I have had issues of my own under all the drama. She would say if you don’t like it leave, if you can’t accept me as I am you don’t love me, she made me believe it and that she didn’t have a drug and alcohol problem, and I would freak out and get scared and come back. I was petrified of being alone and I never thought I could be happy without her. I can now see that I have been so worried and scared that if I left i would never find anyone else as beautiful or that loves me for who I am. I made the place we live as comfortable for her as possible and forgot about myself and settled in to wait till she one day changed and came to love me. She always said she was going to change, I never saw that I can do that for myself at any time, and my happiness should not be reliant on my partners happiness or success. I don’t need to heal her and I can’t anyway only she can do that, I need to heal myself and give myself the love and time to discover what I want out of my life and figure out how to work towards it. I realised that I can do that now. It is so damn hard though to go through this process at the moment, I still love her and I miss her every day and am tragically hoping that she will come back a changed person wanting me back, but understand that this is not the reality. She turned her back almost jnstantly and just said you made your choice and its out of my control so good luck to you. Broke my heart to see here be so cold but really she is a using drugs to cover up her feelings so maybe she isn’t feeling things at all. I still love her and want her to do well in life, things ended horribly between us and I hate the way it turned out, I just didn’t know what to do about leaving her and felt I had to do something right now. I called the police and had her kicked out, I felt I had no choice left, she never respected me and I asked her to leave but she wouldn’t go. She now blames me for kicking her out and calling the police and I feel shit about it. I have had to face the fact she is responsible For her life and her drug and alcohol problem, not me. the worst thing I think I have done is take it on for her and try and fix it for her, I need to be fixing myself and I never saw that as never thought I had a problem. I hope to move on from all this and one day and be happy in myself again and hopefully meet someone who I can be happy with, at least now I can work on myself for a while so hopfuly when the opportunity for a new relationship comes along I will be ready to live a move positive life in my relationship and really move forward, this is my 3rd failed relationship and I don’t want to be 40 and still running from myself, I guess at least I am trying new things and looking for change for myself, and from
    What I have read here that’s a good place to start. Thank you for your blog and I will continue reading and learning, at least now I can see its up to me and I can do something about it.

  70. ashlee,
    I understand how hard this is for you. I had to let go of my husband when my daughter was 5 and I had all of the same fears but her safety, mental health and stability meant more to me than being on the roller coaster of addiction with her father. You can do this for your children but you have to really commit to this. When you are ready I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer:

  71. hello I’ve been married 6 years and together 6 years with two young beautiful girls my husband started to use drugs when i was about 6 months pregnant with my second child I’ve had 2 years of hell, he go’s for weeks months then returns with the “I’m clean and had enough of that life” but yet again the lies start the sneaking and acting odd starts then he go’s again i feel he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet but can’t keep having him coming and going for the sake of my kids can’t do it to them. I ask myself all the time why do i do it……the answer is love, and fear, i love him to the bones he’s a good person without drugs but the the drugs is just too in control of him, fear of him dieing and my kids growing up with no father which they are doing at the moment but just keep holding on to hope i think hope of a major wake-up call to make him be the dad he longed to be. Just at the point now that i have tried every road possible and need to teach myself to let go but really struggling.

  72. Kaitlin,
    I had a child with my addicted husband and I understand your feelings exactly. Other than the lies and all of the manipulation to hide his drug abuse and financial cons, my husband was actually for many years my best friend. Yes, we had some problems (because of the lying and other issues) but he never went out, we spent all of our free time together, we loved eachother and he was funny and smart. However, as time goes on you and your love cannot compete with the drugs. The drugs usually win. I am not saying always, I am saying a good deal of the time. Please read Hope Street, I think it is important that you understand what you are really dealing with.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  73. Hello. After reading this blog and the previous comments there is some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this situation. My fiance and I had been together for almost 6 years. When I first met him I had no idea he was using heroin until I found him not breathing. He became clean after for 3.5 years. We were both so proud of his accomplishments. Every bit of energy went into working and eventually we bought a home together and picked out a ring. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to marry him and create a family in my new home. Unfortunately, when the stress of home ownership began, he relapsed. He had been using for a while and hiding it from me. I honestly couldn’t believe it. In my heart, I always thought that the people who did this were bad people, people who treated their girlfriends poorly to begin with. The hardest part is that I know he is a good person on the inside. He was wonderful to me and we enjoyed each others company for so long. Yet, he refused to get the help he needs and so I left him and my house behind with the encouragement of family and friends. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. How does a person walk away from a life planned out for so long? From a person who provided so much love before he used again? My heart aches so much and I can only hope that me leaving helps him rather than leaves him feeling abandoned. Every day is a challenge to not go back.

  74. Me,
    And you won’t want anyone else until you can really let him go. Leaving him is just physical but what is in your heart and your head is the hard part. Everything he is doing is classic drug addict behavior and you can’t have a real relationship with someone you don’t trust, who lies to you, manipulates you and that you can clearly see is not trying to recover and only trying to maintain and placate others. It is your choice but I suggest reading Hope Street and more articles I have written here.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  75. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago and I’m in so much pain. He is a drug addict and I realized that he just doesn’t accept just how bad his problem is. He was on vivitrol, came off for a couple months and I believe he maintained with pills but finally couldn’t help himself and “relapsed”. I ended it the day he went to get back on the shot because I was so angry about his lies and the fact that he didn’t want to take drug test before he got the shot. I simply do not trust him anymore and he is not doing anything different than just getting the shot to stay clean..not taking any other steps to have a recovery plan and all I wanted to do was help but he refused to let me. I am still in love with him but I’m not sure he ever loved me, truly. He seems ok with this break up, I don’t hear from him other than an occasional what’s up type text and a quick phone call today. I cry myself to sleep every night and I miss him, I’m wondering if I made the right decision to walk away from this…should I have stayed because I love him even though the trust and respect is gone? He thinks becaus he got the shot, I needed to chill no let him ” work his own plan”. I simply couldn’t be in that sort of thing anymore, however, I don’t want anyone else.

  76. Inge,
    I am sorry your post slipped past me. If you read my book Hope Street, you will understand that I was you and in the same situation. I was smart but insecure and I fell in love with someone who said they would do anything for me. HE SAID it but rarely did it. He mostly snuck around getting high behind my back or what I learned later was in front of my face and I did not know. I can promise you that you need to leave, now, righ away. I wish I could have seen the future but all of those fears you have I talk about in my articles and in my book. There is nothing worse than what you are going through now and there are men out there who will love and respect you. This guy will use you as long as you make it easy for him to use drugs. You don’t leave so he knows he has no boundaries. If he stops using it won’t be because of you. I thought that for years and I can assure you my ex is still using, has been in relationships that I am sure if I was aware of I could have warned the poor girl but I let it go. When I left, he was no longer my problem, my focus was on me and our daughter and that was the best place for it. You need support, therapy and talk to people you trust so you don’t hide this anymore or it will kill you.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  77. Abina,
    You can tell him that you know the truth regardless of what he tells you. You need to set boundaries right now, he either goes into recovery/rehab or he needs to leave. You have to be prepared and strong to follow through with these boundaries or he will know he has a revolving door. Have you read Hope Street? I tried to believe my ex-husband for 12 years but I should have listened to my gut. Addicts lie and manipulate so well that you start to question what you see right in front of you. Do not second guess yourself, ask him to get help or leave. It is his decision.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  78. This is exactly how I feel. I am 22 and my boyfriend is 23. When I met him I was so vulnerable, I just wanted someone to love me. I am a very insecure person, people say I am quite attractive but I don’t believe it. He was captivated by me when we first met and I loved the fact that he didn’t care what people thought of him, he spoke to everyone and was not shy at all. I knew he did drugs but I thought it was occasionally, I should of run then. But he would constantly be high and when he was high his personality changes and he gets so aggressive. I am studying pharmacy and I have a very good scholarship so I have enough money, he is a waitor and recently does nothing and only depends on me. The fights, the sleepless nights waiting for him to come back from a party where he usually pisses himself, him having no respect and shouting at my parents, spending so much of my money, being aggresive, having no respect for my body, the insults, the worthless that I feel. I can’t do this anymore, I am going to lose myself. But I am so scared to leave him!! What if he changes his act and it was my fault for not waiting long enough and having faith in him and he meets someone else and treats her right, what if he does something stupid when I leave him, what if I go into a deep depression after the breakup, what if I can’t cope without him, what if I am the reason he is not getting his act together, what if I am the problem and that is why he gets so aggresive. I don’t know how to leave him. I don’t think I have it in me but I also feel that a part of me can’t sit and watch him destroy me. Please help.

  79. Hi. I found drugs in my husband jacket, when I questioned him , he denied that it was he’s, or don’t know how it got there , so I left it go…but kept my eye on him. Now I keep finding white powder stuff in he’s jacket pocket.. He’s distant , get angry.. I ask him to get help, he’s saying he’s not taking drugs. Now I asked him to leave, and I told him if he doesn’t, I will ring he’s job and tell them.. I know for certain he is using drugs.. How long , I don’t know.. What should I do .

  80. Amanda – Thank you thank you thank you….a million times thank you. I appreciate your kind words and you sharing your experience. I will definitely keep you posted. Also, I’m glad to hear that your daughter is doing well and love the advice you gave her. I don’t wish this on anyone, but it’s nice to know there are people out there who have gone through this and understand. Thanks again!!

  81. Laura,
    Thank you for sharing that. I am so excited that you were able to get that time and distance that we all need to get past the hump of leaving. It was a blessing for you and I know you are going to find a happiness that is going to free you. Keep working on yourself and your healing so you can keep moving forward. Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  82. Jennifer, Thanks for sharing. You know I understand the feelings you have about your daughter and it is heartbreaking, even to this day it bothers me to know her dad is out there, not involved in her life at all. However, by letting her know daddy is sick and loves you in the best way he can is all you can do. I told this to my daughter and still do but quite honestly, she won’t remember him if he is not in her life. My daughter has little memory of her father but I never say bad things about him, just that he is sick and does not know how to be a good father. Children are resilient so I am here to tell you my dauther is almost 12 now and she is doing so well. ONE strong and reliable parent can pull it off. You are making the right decision. It is not your journey, you are on your road to a better path. Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  83. I posted months ago and saw this again and wanted to update. After 4 1/2 years of being with my addict I am finally free!! I left him for good after he went to jail for yet another domestic. He was in jail less than two months but it was the time and distance I needed to move on. I feel differently about him and am no longer willing to wait for him to get clean and put myself and my family through more hell. I now have hope of finding happiness with someone someday who will treat me well. Before there was no hope at all.

  84. Hi Amanda – I reached out a long time ago and the information you provided me with was very helpful. You guided me to your book, Hope Street, which was so amazing to read. I actually read it again for the second time, I felt like I needed it. After reading it again I took in a lot more information. I finally got up the courage to leave my husband and filed for divorce. It was hard for me to do, given the situation with his addiction, but I could not continue down his path, because it’s not my path and something that is beyond my control. Well, he was in a good place and we decided to give our relationship another try, unfortunately it did not work out and I told him we had to go our separate ways.

    My concern now is that he will be moving back down to Florida so he can get back to where he feels comfortable and get himself healthy. He has been in and out of his daughters life since she was 2, she is now 4 and I don’t know what to tell her? For awhile now I have been telling her that daddy is sick, and she has hopes that when we are ready to move out of my moms house daddy will be coming to our new house when he is all better. She is an amazing little girl and is very happy, I just don’t know how to explain divorce and addiction to a 4 year old? My heart breaks when she talks about it because I just don’t know what to say?

  85. Jody,
    I am so Sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine how hard that must be. To Lose two sons to addiction is just too much. She has been way past the point of out of control if he is been using for 15 years under your roof. You need to stop enabling his addictions and let him know that he needs to go into recovery for leave your home. Does work or school really matter when your son is addicted to crack and not eating, that’s stake. I would try an intervention with a specialist and if he does not agree to change his life from that moment be prepared to make him leave your home. He is just existing in the state and probably not for long, Allow him to hit rock bottom or make the choice to change his life. Please read my other article here, click on my name and there are many more articles here to help you deal with addiction in the family.
    Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  86. My 33 year old son and I live together. He has had a problem with drugs since he was 17. He is addicted to crack cocaine so every dollar he makes when he gets paid goes to the drug dealer. He doesn’t eat and I don’t know how he keeps going. He leaves for work at 5 am and sometimes don’t come home til 2am. he has done the drugs in our home. He was in prison 3 years ago and wS locked up almost 3 years because of a hit and run which resulted in death. I have been threatening him for over 2 mo if he don’t get help he gas to move. He keeps saying he wants help cause yes tired of what he’s been doing but he can’t quit his job or school. Although he just dropped his classes. he looks bad and I just lost my other son a year ago to alcolsm. I’m at my wits end. It is taken it’s toll on me. My son has told me he uses everyday. I nrw of at least every two. He tells me this when he’s been fighting to stay off the drugs for 2 days. He tells me to just keep his keys after ge gets home from work for a mo til he gets through this. I have feared if he owes money someone coming to our home. Any suggestions? I go to Celebrate recovery and hit alanon meetings once in as he
    I think my sons problem has spiraled to fR. plz help

  87. Holly and Lucy,
    I apologize that it took so long for me to respond as I did not get notice of these posts.
    I want to address both of you because unfortunately you are both with an addict and addicts are well known to lie, manipulate and do anything to make you feel that everything is your fault, even if they stop using. They use because they are not dealing with the root of their problem so anger and blame are part of the addiction. When you force an addict to get clean, this rarely works. When you create boundaries and then stick to those boundaries, they have no choice, they can leave or get sober but no in between. With addiction, you have to deal in facts, what you see, not what they tell you. Even in sobriety, if they are not really in recovery but clean, they still exhibit these behaviors because again, the drug was masking the real issues; mental illness, emotional issues, or both. You try to help them, they take you for everything you have and you fall apart. This is the cycle of co-addiction you are in. There is no way for this to change unless you get off the ride and change things. Please keep reading the other articles I have written here, click on Amanda Andruzzi and they will all come up. They are eye opening and can help you understand what is happening to you and how you can get out of this. The first step is knowing that you no longer want to go on this way.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  88. Hi.I’ve been with my fiancé for just over a year.I’ve given up everything to be with family and sons have all left the country to go back to the UK. My beautiful fiance is a functional heroin addict and I’m at my wits end..I know he’s still using but he lies to my face..I love him so much but I feel in 2ND place in his life..I just don’t know what to do’s tearing me up inside.

  89. I am so glad that I have found this blog! My husband has been my best friend and my only love for ten years married and five dating. He has addiction with opiates and alcohol. It started 6 years ago and he has lied and manipulated me since then. I love him so much and so do my boys. He was sober for almost 2 years and then we started to grow apart and I had a gut feeling and I came home one day from him losing his job to him being drunk and high on pills. He promised to get help and I told him it was over. He detoxed and went to rehab for thirty days and he left a month in advance, bc he was going tondo 60 days. He now has so much anger towards me and while he was in rehab I was strong and I was ok with my choice. He was nice in rehab and loving, now that he is out he will barely talk to me and tells me I did this and he owes me nothing. I’m now experiencing pain like I never knew was possible. I feel so bad for my 2 boys bc they don’t deserve to be ignored bc of the pain that he feels when heciscaroumd them and I. I just wish I could be stronger and I had at least my best friend back. I am so alone and depressed and I feel like I’m losing grasp of things.

  90. Rj,
    Welcome to the cycle of co-addiction. It is a very stressful and sad place to be and racked with guilt and hope we keep attempting to do the same thing and expect different results. If you keep taking him back, why should he stop? He will continue to appease you with his attempts of detox but he is not doing it for him and if he does not do it because he feels he is ready for recovery then that is why it is not working. You should not feel guilty for leaving, he is making you feel guilty but it is not your responsibility to take care of him this way. He makes a choice after he is in detox and that choice is to not follow through with recovery but to use again, he is a grown man and you should not have to suffer in a relationship with someone who is making your life hell on earth. I did it for 12 years and when I finally left over 5 years ago, last I heard, he continues to use drugs. I know I made the right choice because my gut told me that he was not ready to recover. What does your gut tell you?
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  91. Tricia,
    You DID do the right thing? You made a decision to save yourself and your children from a situation so many of us stay in for far too long. I hope you do not continue to beat yourself up about leaving and if you feel you cannot be with this man, then you cannot. Your guilt is part of the process and so is the sadness. It will fade over time but you have to give yourself a chance to heal and work through the emotions. If you have read my book/articles you will see that I respect Al-anon but I couldn’t accept living alongside an addict, I wanted more and so I sought other outlets. Try therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, or anything that can help you sort through these emotions which will persist if you ignore them. Letting go is a process and it takes time. You will be okay.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  92. Tricia,
    You DID do the right thing? You made a decision to save yourself and your children from a situation so many of us stay in for far too long. I hope you do not continue to beat yourself up about leaving and if you feel you cannot be with this man, then you cannot. Your guilt is part of the process and so is the sadness. It will fade over time but you have to give yourself a chance to heal and work through the emotions. If you have read my book/articles you will see that I respect Al-anon but I couldn’t accept living alongside an addict, I wanted more and so I sought other outlets. Try therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, or anything that can help you sort through these emotions which will persist if you ignore them. Letting go is a process and it takes time. You will be okay.
    You love an addict and you enable him, that makes you a co-addict like many of us here. He is addicted to his drug and you are addicted to him, his lies and false promises. The best way to get over an addiction is to get it out of your system and go through your own healling process and recovery. You know now that he won’t change so you need to. Please read the other articles I have here in this blog to help you do that but you need to admit that you need to move on first and comitt to doing that. It will be hard and then it will get easier so make sure you have lots of support. Tell friends what you are doing, seek a therapist that specializes in addiction or co-dependency, find a support group like al-anon and focus on your issues, not his. He does something for you that you are addicted to, highs and lows, drama, promises and you deserve a real life, not an intermittent ray of short-lived happiness. When you realize that, you can’t go back.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  93. I myself have been involved with an addict. I am a fairly successful woman who prides herself about not needing anyone to take care of me…until he came along. I knew he was a recovering addict when I met him but he hadnt used in a year. He also said he suffers from BPD…before I met him I had a breakup with the man I thought was the man of my life. So needless to say when he broke up with me I was in the lowest state of mind. So when I met my current he at first made me feel really special, like I was the best thing in the world. And then it just spiraled. The demands that were placed on me emotionally are so draining and I feel like I am going crazy. I am finally at the point where I’m ready to end it. I have been here see real times but FEAR was so crippling. And I always ran back…he has had a couple of bouts of rehab. And now he accuses me of nit being there for him when he needs me most. I have done things for this man that I would have never done. I have dealt with rescuing him from suicidal attempts, to babysitting him making sure that he doesn’t feel lonely and end up drinking. He’s rehabing again and I can’t do this anymore and I feel guilty like I’m abandoning him. I think we’ll just get him through this and leave..but I know where that leads because when he’s clean and sober I feel like maybe he can have a normal relationship when deep inside I wait until the next drunken episode

  94. I’m really happy to have stumbled across your writing here. I had quite a shock of finding my husband of 13 years hiding a backpack full of empty whiskey bottles in our neighbors recycling bin- 14 hrs later he had the shakes so bad I forced him to go to the ER. I knew he drank beer, but I had no idea he was this bad off. I packed him a bag and sent him off to detox, went to my one and only Al alanon meeting (it was not for me, but was a great motivator to not be a person like some of the women I met in the group with major addiction cycles in their and their family life) and then would not let him back into the house when he was released from detox. From there I rented our house to save our mortgage and moved out, while he found a place to live in a sober living recovery home. I finally have started letting him see our daughter, and picking her up from school again 2 days a week (he says hes on antabuse). My biggest problem is that I KNOW I did the right thing making him leave. I KNOW that it saved his life. I KNOW we are going to be better off once we get out of my parents basement. However Im struggling with guilt for not taking him back due to the fact that he is in recovery, and seems to be doing well. I have been taking stock of our entire relationship and I just do not think I can do it… I do not think I want to be in a relationship with a recovered alcoholic, because is an alcoholic ever truly recovered? I don’t think they are. Why do I feel like the bad guy here? I feel like I keep getting told I contributed to the alcoholism (which I understand- I enabeled and kept peace in my own way, and kept it a secret even from myself ), but kicking him out immediately is a perfectly acceptable response right? Why do I need to go thru the whole abused spouse/ mourning thing / yo yo relapse riga-ma-rol when I know the relationship is (should be) over? I understand my sadness and grief. I do not understand my intense guilt for empowering myself to make the right decision. Any tips to help me deal with the guilt?

  95. Nicole,
    Thank you for sharing that and giving us a glimpse of the other side of the story. It sounds like you were a victim of drugs growing up and it was all you knew. If your parents were addicts, sister and you watched your father die, then it was very likely that you would do the only thing you knew to cope with life. I have never had addiction but I have experienced clinical depression and PTSD and it is hard to breathe, never mind function. There are a lot of options of non-narcotic antidepressants that can really help you along with therapy, mediation, exercise, and learning coping skills that can help you live a happy life. Drugs, as you know, are a band-aid to a much deeper issue and I hope you pull through. You are an addict but you are also a co-addict and this has been a way of life for you, I am glad you are in recovery and realize it does not have to be.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  96. I am a opiad addict.I had my first surgery at 11 then 4 more after by the age of 15 I was a full blown addict.The last year in a half I lost my medical an started snorting herion.I always worked cooked cleaned an took care of my son.I had a really bad childhood an now have bad depression an PTSD I never went into a rehab until recently.I have been married to a abusive cheating husband for 14 years as of today I have been clean 42 days I also have endometriosis an a disc in my lower back an I take nothing.My only reason for sharing is to say this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life.I also have my sisters two kids along with my son because she is still using but my only point is that it is possible to change I know I will always be Nicole a opiad addict but that doesn’t mean I will go back to using if you want it bad enough you will do it but a addict will not change for a spouse I did it for my kid to be very honest but now I am doing it for my 3 kids an my self but my number one motivation was my son he didn’t ask to be here.My mother was a addict my whole life she wasn’t really a mother my father did of a accidental over dose at 41 you think that would of stopped me

  97. Cathy,
    It does get better. I promise you that. You just need distance, time and some self-love. Keep reading the other articles here, I have written many for coping skills and inspiration.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  98. Thank you for your response. I know I need to move on and if I don’t I will be stuck living the same life that I was living with all the lies and mistrust. This blog has helped me so much to know that there are others that are dealing with the same issues I am. Thanks again for your response!!!

  99. Jeremy, Cathy and Melissa,
    You have all been seriously hurt by the person you love, probably numerous times. There is no right or easy answer and I think you know that. However, when a person chooses drugs, they are not choosing you and your relationship. It is a hard realization to come to but you have to make a choice; stay in the past and go through all of the mistrust and lies over and over again trying to figure out what went wrong or move on and get your life back. Addiction can suck the life out of you and keep you in a very sad place for as long as you will let it. It is a process and getting over someone does not happen overnight, moving on can be a journey but either way you make a choice to do that and usually you know in your gut it is the right choice.
    If you stay, what do you feel is in store for you and are you willing to keep going in the same cycle? You cannot trust an addict’s words but only their actions and if they are not in active recovery every single day, then they are just on their way back to their addiction at some point.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  100. I am so glad to have found your blog. I have been married to my husband for 14 years and we have two beautiful children together. Four years ago he went away to an inpatient facility for heroin/opiate addiction. I struggled to let go of the anger and pain when he came home but we continued to try and move forward. He stayed home for three years and I think I resented the fact that I felt like he wasn’t contributing to the family…this, of course, built up more anger. About 6 months ago, he began drinking and using again. Things got really bad; the lies, the stealing, the manipulation…it took me right back to where I had been years earlier but I refused to let myself go there. I was numb to the pain this time…just angry. We talked about separation and even divorce and both agreed that would happen. Well, he’s now been 5 days sober and has come out of his fog and now thinks we need to fight for us and for our family. It’s hard to now see the person I do love and tell him I don’t think I can do that. I just don’t think I have that fight left in me. I don’t know how to let go of the fear and the anger and the pain. I am feeling so lost and tired. I just want a simple solution and there isn’t one. My gut tells me to continue moving forward with the split but he’s doing a good job of convinving me that I’d just be giving up on our family. I think in my head I’ve committed to a life without him but saying it outloud and making it official on paper is so terrifying.

  101. I was married for 15 years when I found out my husband was using meth and had cheated on me with a stripper from Las Vegas. I was lost and heartbroken. I had been with him since I was 17 years old and we had two kids together. I felt totally lost and tried to figure out what happened that made him make the choices he made. He had struggled with alcohol in the past but had quit drinking for 14 years, so when all this happened I was at a loss I didn’t know what to do. He ended up leaving me and my girls for the stripper and didn’t really keep in touch with his kids at all during this time. I divorced him after he left and then about 2 years later he called me and was desperate so I like an idiot helped him out financially. Well he ended up getting thrown in jail in Vegas and got cleaned up and we started talking again and because apparently I’m stupid I gave him another chance and another 8 years of my life. Well come to find out he started using meth again so when I caught him I kicked him out of the house. I feel like such a fool and I don’t understand how he could do this to me again. He is currently back with the same stripper that he left me for 10 years ago, I know I did the right thing by kicking him out but I always wonder how someone can lie and be so deceitful to someone that the profess they love. I gave him so much of my life and I wonder if I’m ever going to find someone that will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated or am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? I’m broken-hearted and I’m tired of being hurt I can’t believe someone would do this to someone they supposedly love not only once but twice in a lifetime.

  102. After seven years I’ve lost the love of my life. We have one son together and she was great stepmom to my older three which I have custody have. For first 5 years she was most amazing woman to me, our son, and my boys. But 2 years ago her family got her started on weed and pills and knowing I wouldn’t accept this she left. Now she says she happy at her moms because she can do whatever she likes. Its hard to accept this once amazing woman who loved me and my boys so much chose this path of drugs. I can’t way or sleep. I feel sick all time and for what. I didnt choose this.

  103. Tiffany,
    You owe no explanation. As long as you realize that he has a problem and you don’t want to be involved with this situation any more that is a good step. I say keep on walking. My book will give you a good glimpse I to the future of you stay.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  104. Hi Amanda,

    Your articles are amazing and I cannot wait to read your book. I have just left an addict but am questioning if I should tell him it is because he is an addict? He manipulated an altercation and probably thinks I’m just upset because of that but the sad reality is he is an addict and I don’t think he sees himself as one because he surrounds himself with people who do way more drugs.

    Thank you!!

  105. Angela,
    This is a hurtful process but know that he has just stopped using drugs and 2 weeks is rough period for anyone or their brain to adjust to sobriety. He is in no place to maintain or fix a broken relationship right now so I think you made the right choice. We want so much from addicts but the demons they face on and off drugs can consume them and having a relationship is sometimes an added stress so do not take this personally. At two years of clean living you would have a better picture of his sobriety being a life choice that will last. Do you have the right to know what is going on with him? NO, if he does not want you to know and YES if he does but what is best for the both of you right now is to recover, him from his addiction and you from being hurt and torn apart by another’s addiction. I would focus on some counseling, reading, support groups and keep talking it out with those you trust and love.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  106. My bf has decided to go to treatment… He is a crack addict that uses alcohol to keep level in between binges. he has been clean for almost 2 weeks. He has been staying with me, I thought I was strong enough to support him through this time, but I am not. I asked him to leave this morning. He is gone. He is so angry with me because I told my people ( that have watched how his addiction has affected my life) about his choice to get help.
    Over the last week of us trying to be together without him using, he has become totally withdrawn, hiding in my bedroom, sleeping, he won’t talk to me, or look at me, or touch me… He doesn’t want to see any of my family or friends. Which is so uncomfortable for me. This morning I told him I feel as though he needs to focus on his recovery not our relationship, and that I can’t keep giving and nurturing him, without anything in return.
    He is gone. I am so sad. I truly want him to get better, but am confused because I feel like I had more connection with him when he was using… Now that he isn’t he is impossible to be around. I was in love with addict ? I asked him if he wanted me to come to meetings with him, when he replied no, I told him if I can’t be apart of his recovery there probably is no place for me in his life. He left, saying that he can’t trust that I won’t go telling “everyone ” about his progress, and that this is his problem, not mine… He doesn’t see that he has made it my problem, I talk about my problems with friends and loved ones it helps me. I feel like I’ve done something wrong.
    I’m not to sure exactly what I expect from sharing this, I just needed some input from others that have dealt with situations similar.
    It is best that I let him go ? I just want to know he is ok, is it wrong for me to feel as though I deserve to know how he is doing throughout his journey ? Is it wrong that I want so badly to be someone he can count on, even just as a friend ? Is it wrong that because of what happened in our relationship that led to him going for treatment that I feel I deserve to be informed on his progress? I am so hurt and confused.

  107. Daniel,
    I am so happy for you. That is what we are talking about here, freedom from another’s addiction. Just because they cannot get out from under the addiction does not mean you should suffer along with them. Thank you for sharing this with us.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  108. Wow!! I am so glad I came across these articles. It is my story in so many ways. The fear of leaving is crippling. I have decided to do it even though I am petrified. It seems to be getting easier even though i am still scared. Thank you so much. I realize that i am not crazy. I was so focused on my husband problem that i neglected our daughter and she ended with a guy who was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive to her. Just like her dad was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I get confused because I know he loves us but he needs to realize he has a problem and get help. I feel and have felt so guilty about this especially i felt like i neglected her when her brother, my son died. Its like his death did so many things to me and i know i don’t want to live with a drug user any more. I thank God for leading me to your articles.

  109. Laura,
    You will get to a point where you are done with this. It is sad but that time will only come when you are ready to focus on you, your children and let him live out his addiction. I am glad he is gone and I hope you are able to move on.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  110. Georgie, you sound so much like me! I have also found that I have put my addict boyfriend ahead of my kids, and they havent deserved that. I am also a teacher, and i feel this is a difficult situation for me because i always have hope in people to change and dont like to give up on people…Anyway, for your and your child’s sake I hope u had the courage to leave this guy.

  111. I have a child with my boyfriend of four years. He is an addict who uses mostly cocaine i think, but meth sometimes, and possibly other stuff, idk! It has been rocky from the beginning with him. I met him right when i filed for divorce after 14 years of marriage n three kids, so i was in a vulnerable place. I had no knowledge of drugs or addictions n had no idea he was an addict until i got pregnant. He had no kids n wanted one so badly, but right away things got ugly. He would occasionally stay out all night after small arguments and i was just crushed. Three times i kicked him out of my house when his drug use got really out of hand. Each time it was like he just exited his real life. Didnt work much or pay bills, just existed, wandered and kept an eye on me. Then we would get back together n he would do much better. This time he has been out of the house for two months after a domestic with me. Since then he began a treatment program but it is only once a week and he has only been going for two weeks. Im sure he is still using because he is completely paranoid and delusional about several things like me cheating, having guys over, and people following him and monitoring his phone, etc. He is also not working or supporting our chid and just smashed his car which he makes payments for but is in my name and under my insurance. I dont wanna give up on him, but aside from him going to treatment and occasional n.a. meetings, i dont see any reason to hope. He wont take an at home drug test for me and i dont let him take our two year old anywhere. I keep telling him to quit texting, calling, n stopping by til he will pass a drug test but he keeps weaseling back into my life….advice anyone?

  112. I was with a girl throughout a;; of high school and 2 years after. We are 20 years old now and she went on a trail of drug use and ended up with a strong addiction to heroin. After 6 long lost years of a sad relationship I am finally back on track to getting my life together and have never felt better letting go and experiencing a freedom and happiness I haven’t felt in years.

  113. Mom of four, please give yourself some time to heal and stay away from this situation so you can allow yourself to Move On and Let Go. It is going to be very hard to leave someone you love but actions speak louder than words and his actions speak volumes. If he is not getting clean Those are empty promises and you need to look at what he’s doing and not what he saying. You know what will happen if you take him back and none of this is rational so now it is time to use your headand ignore your heart so that you can get help for yourself and focus on helping your children they need you right now and you need them. I have been where you are married to an addict and I know firsthand this is not easy but it can be done.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  114. Jewel, please pick up my book Hope Street, it is my memoir of my life married to an may really help you feel less alone, understood, and give you hope. You are doing the right thing, you need to focus on you and your children right now and leave him alone with his addiction. Youcannot change anyone else or fix their addiction for them. You need to find some support for you and learn more about enabling. Please read my other articles here, click on my name at the top and the rest will come up. They will help you understand that you are not alone and that there is help and hope.please keep me posted I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  115. Hello, I posted on another one of your articles not too long ago regarding my husband who is a crack addict. Long story short again, married 5 years and things seem to be getting worse. His wedding ring is at the pawn shop, he missed his daughters birthday party recently, and has sold many of his items to get his fix. We’ve tried over and over to come up with a solution to this and nothing changes. Every time he gets paid, he gets upset that I ask him for money, and ends up overdrawing his account ny hundreds of dollars. A week ago I finally had the courage to kick him out. I packed his stuff and his staying with his mom. My problem is now he is texting/calling/begging that he needs me ans cant live without me. We have 2 daughters together, so of course I always will have contact. But WHY WHY WHY am I finding myself falling for this again!!!! He missed rhe holiday with us because I told him he wasn’t welcome, yet part of me feels guilty. What is wrong with me! Why can’t I just cut ties and move,on! Is there a chance this time he will change?! Its been a week… And he claims he will get help and hasn’t gotten into anything yet… Only calls. Please, I need a push to stand strong… Why do I keep allowing this??

  116. Thank you for the insite. I have been with my husband for 12 years. From year 6-10 he was heavily addicted to prescription drugs. I detached and stayed and he got through it. On his own and I was so proud. He then sought mental health treatment And as diagnosed bipolar. I have recently fount out the past 5 months he has been addicted to meth. I had a feeling he was doing it during the latter of this period but in no way had an idea of how out of control it was. I feel pushed by this farther than 5 years of rx abuse (including 3 totaled cars, numerous accidents and lawsuits). During this whole period my guy told me something was wrong I just never fathomed this. I have stopped paying my mtg this month so I am able to save up enough to move me and our children out. Although I have made this decision I second guess it and am overly depressed and neglecting my duties as a mommy to be the best I can. I don’t know what to do or how I m going to do it

  117. Mike,
    I understand your comment completely. I bet most of us here would feel the same way. If you become involved with an addict, your life will be turned upside down and you will become a person you don’t even recognize anymore. That is the whole point to this site. I want to help people see that they need to make a change and extricate themselves from a toxic situation. The only power you have is the power to change yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  118. Kate,
    This is a time for you to get some support to learn what you are dealing with and what you are going through. You may want to find a group, al-anon or local support group and/or personal therapist who specializes in addiction to help you understand your part in this. The key is to understand that this is not the life you want and that you are going to have to make the necessary changes to help yourself. What you are feeling is normal and you are not alone. I have been where you are and it is a very frustrating position, you are caught between the love you have for this amazing person you see in glimpses and the hatred and/or pity you have for the addict.
    I wrote my book Hope Street to help people like you, who were just like me. I hope you get to read it. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer:

  119. If you are not married, run the heck away from this person as fast as you can. They will ruin your life 100%. You aren’t different or special. Your life will the a living hell. If my time machine wasn’t broken, I’d go back to the day I met my wife and sleep in.

  120. I’m with an ex heroin addict. He has improved so much and has gotten naltrexone implants but he is now drinking every day and using speed. I feel guilty for thinking of leaving because it’s very perfect when he is sober but I realise that that’s only some of the time. Other times it’s hell and I even get so angry I slap or hit him and I am not normally an angry person. I am so afraid of who I am turning into. But I am overwhelmed with the thought of moving all of my stuff out of this house and scared to admit defeat to the people who doubted us. I’m so sad because heis improving everyday but I don’t know if it’s enough. I need a support network but I don’t want to deal with the judgement and embarrassment of talking to friends. I’m so sad and overwhelmed 🙁

  121. Jennifer,

    Thank you for the feedback. I am so glad the book helped you, that is the number one reason I wrote it.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  122. Amanda thank you so much for telling me about Hope Street! I read it and felt like I was reading my own life story! This has really opened my eyes!!

  123. Ellen,
    What do you feel you will accomplish by letting him back in? Do you think he will change?
    This all depends on how long you want to put up with an addict, if you want to subject yourself to his addiction then visit him. But if you want to be happy and have a chance at a real life with someone I would say walk away and continue to work on yourself. You fell back into it but you can still walk away. Try a support group in your area or anything that will keep up your strength so you do not fall back into old patterns. You cannot be in a relationship with an addict, the drugs are first.
    Amanda Andruzzi,

  124. Hi Amanda,
    I got Hope Street after reading this blog and I was feeling better when I was reading it…. This was about a while ago, when I kicked my cocaine/heroin addict boyfriend out of my place after finding out that he pawned thousand of dollars worth of my jewelry, I thought that was my breaking point, so I kicked him out, changed my phone number and was feeling pretty confident that this time it was for good.
    I was wrong 🙁
    I have to said I have enabled him practically since we got together about a year ago.
    His only income is a monthly social security check due to mental disability (bipolar).
    I took him in my place, bailed him out of jail, paid fines, paid for a lawyer, paid for suboxone and basically gave him everything he needed, because silly codependent me, thought I was going to be able to “save” him.
    Big mistake, I can not save anyone. Only me.
    After I kicked him out, he ended up in the hospital (that is what he does when he does not have where to go) and after leaving the hospital he went to live in an halfway house. After weeks of ignoring him, I gave in and finally talked to him.
    We ended up spending the weekend together and he was back and full of promises.
    I was happy/mad at myself/kind of hopeful?
    So three weeks after getting back together, yesterday, I found out he stole my ATM card, got drugs, packed everything up, got a bus ticket to go to Florida and told me he was sorry for everything he did to me, he did not deserved me and he was leaving the keys. I was more than ok with it.
    I came back home after work, and I found him unconscious in my living room. He overdosed. He is in the hospital, I could not go to the hospital last night I was way too upset and shocked after what I experienced. He called me a couple of times in the middle of the night begging me to go to the hospital. All I know is he has pneumonia.
    I do not want to be with him. His family is sick of it and wont really help at all. I feel terrible he almost die yesterday and just turning my back on him seems so cruel. But again, he is a drug addict, he is the king of manipulation.
    Should I visit him in the hospital and tell him is over between us?

  125. Sara,
    You are not crazy. Addicts have to make you feel that way so they can go on using. You need to start trusting yourself and your gut feelings. I can assure you, your boyfriend is an addict. He needs help but you cannot make him get help and it does not sound like he wants help. Addiction starts much like you describe with him and I am almost positive you will eventually uncover he is using even more than you can prove he is. Please keep reading about addiction and co-addiction here, click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and my 30 plus articles will come up. they are a great resource for you to stop the madness and start dealing with what is really going on. My book, Hope Street, is about my time with an addict and it is a very real and raw depiction of my feelings of loving an addict. I felt crazy on a daily basis trying to sort out what was actually going on, but there is hope. There is hope for you and that is what the book is really about. Keep posting, I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    view the video trailer:

  126. Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for about two years now. About a year ago I caught him smoking meth. He confided that it was something he did every once and a while and I freaked. He promised it would not be a part of our life. Now with in six months his usage appeared again and this time it started to become more frequent. Enough to were I noticed and on a few different occasions. He lied straight to my face on a number of times, although he always came clean. I tried being the understanding girlfriend, and the nagging up set one. Now on the last month he has used five times. My roommate is this low life math addict that is his old high school friend. When my bf and I first met he made himself out to be some kind of martyr, telling me and all my friends how he brought his friend to town to get him away from meth, and the entire time he was using. This same lowlife roommate is the man that brings the drugs into my home. My bf has made me feel crazy, mentally and emotionally broken me to pieces and I can’t seem to let him go. I keep rationalizing his behavior, telling myself that he will get bette, or I was a nag so I deserved it, or that he isn’t an addict just a user and it hasn’t gotten in the way of his life. But it has, or I wouldn’t be here writing this. I feel like I am now crazy, and can’t even trust myself. I read too deep into everything and feel as if I trust no one. I am sad and don’t know how to let go.

  127. Georgia,
    Although that is a valid fear, I agree, there are ways to supplement. If he brings in a paycheck, you will be able to have him pay your for possible spousal support and child support, it will be deducted directly from his check if it gets to that. You can enlist support of friends and family to help with children while you find a job that can help you earn more money or try to work while the kids are in school. There are ways, it can be done, I did it and I never thought I could. If you fear that you will not be able to find a job, then while you are living with him, look for one and/or start training for something you can do when you leave, either online courses from home or training for a practical career. You will have his support, if there are children involved and you may have to scale back on living expenses or housing until you can earn more yourself but don’t make that fear stop you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    view the video trailer:

  128. Many women do not have the earning power to leave the alcoholic. My husband functions enough to still work and bring in a paycheck. That is my fear.

  129. Kitrina,

    There is nothing easy about Letting Go of a child. I don’t know all that you have done for her but raising Her children is a pretty big deal. You do not have to stop the love but for her best interest, yours and the children you can detach with love. Know that by letting go of a relationship with the addict is only saying you will not tolerate her addiction any longer. You can let her know you will always love her and be there to support her if ever she is ready to recover. As you have probably already learned there is nothing you can do to sto her but you can send her a message; that you won’t enable her addiction any longer. It may sound cruel but if she can she will never stop using if she has someone that picks up the pieces for her. If you identify how you may enable her addiction, you can stop those things and love her from a distance. I am sure her children need your full attention now more than ever and God Bless you for caring for them. They are lucky you are there for them. I would visit your local al-anon group, with children I believe it is a great resource on how to handle the emotions of loving an addict. You need support from others who have been there and it is out there, unfortunately. This happens more often than you could imagine. Most importantly take care of yourself and those children and you may have to let your daughter hit her rock bottom. I would keep reading the articles I have written, click on Amanda Andruzzi, they will all come up. Read “Zero Tolerance for Addiction:help for families” and the many others that will support you. Keep me posted, I hope this was helpful. My thoughts are with your family.
    Amanda Amdruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  130. My daughter has been an addict for 7 years I am raising her chikdren I constantly worry and blame myself I want to let go but don’t know how

  131. Georgie,
    Thank you for sharing with us. You are in the right place. What is happening to you is not unfamiliar to me. I have been through this and things seem to be turning uglier by the minute. You are caught in a cycle and if you want to get out of it, you will have to be the one to let go. You already realize what an unhealthy situation this is, but it is your son who is probably really hurting. When I left, I did it in the beginning for my daughter but in doing that I helped myself.
    There is no other way to describe the pain you are going through other than hearing it from another person who has been there. I would recommend reading more of my articles here, especially, Co-Addiction: Get Angry. (click on my name Amanda Andruzzi, at the top near my picture and all of my articles will come up). You need to start looking at the reasons you would stay in such a relationship because if you stay then you have to take responsibility for why this is happening. You realize he is not changing, and if you looked at this from an outsider’s perspective, you know you would have to leave. The question is why don’t you?
    I had the same dilemma and it took me 12 long years to figure out why and get out of it. Hope Street is a memoir of my last year living with an addict. It is an eye opening, intense journey that really puts everything out there. I do not hold back and it may be helpful for you.
    If you want to leave, the first step is knowing, the next is taking an action, however small and moving in that direction.
    Keep me posted.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

  132. Hi. I’m so glad I’ve stumbled on this blog it’s almost an epiphany reading it. I’ve only been with my partner for 2 years. It started out fairly rocky and has spiralled out of control. I am a primary school teacher with an 8 year old son and I’m hitting rock bottom, feeling despair! My partner has a drink problem is depressed and will often go on coke binges, not going to work, sitting in his room (at his grandmas house) just getting off his face. I’ve tried every which way to deal with this and have never understood why I kept going back?? He would beg and plead and I was relived when he did because the fear of losing him was overwhelming. I caught my partner in bed with someone on Boxing Day and he has been mentally abusive on several occasions. This has now taken a step up . This week he hit me smashed up my apartment and said he was going to harm my family. As always he feels, ashamed, guilty and sorry. And as always I felel relived that he doesn’t want to leave?? My son must feel neglected by me we used to be so close, but my efforts have all been invested in my obsession with my partner. I feel extreme guilt for this. Reading your blog has opened a door to me and I will continue to read on for guidance and inspiration so I can build the courage to remove myself from a toxic and unhappy existence. Thank you

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