Friday March 27th 2015

How to let go of an addict

How to let go of an addict

Letting go of an addict can seem like a huge task. It helps to break it down into smaller steps, and to make steady progress towards the life you want. Here, we review practical tips and suggestions for how to let go of an addict. Then, we invite you to share more about your situation in the comments section below. We try to respond to all comments personally and promptly!

The concepts of Al-Anon

Six years before I started to consider leaving my addict partner, he had a major relapse and disappeared for the weekend. I stepped into the room of an Al-Anon meeting. I went, half-hearted, because I thought it was something I should do. I learned the terms,“let go and let God,” and “detachment,” in those meetings but I wasn’t ready to do that. I thought if I let go that I would be giving up on him. When my husband would use, I went to meetings to get away from my problems. After a few months, I stopped going.

Years later, when things were spiraling out of control in my marriage, I started to go again. I was desperately looking for answers. I saw the same people, some still living with the addict. Al-Anon teaches that you can emotionally detach from an addict while still being with them physically if they are actively using. I would never be able to accept a life with my husband if I was in recovery, and he was not. I wanted to be with him but refused to continue living with him while he was actively using.

The concepts and approaches discussed in Al-Anon were enlightening. They helped me realize that I had to put the focus on me. Even with this new refreshing insight, I felt a disconnectin the meetings. Though I realized it was not for me, I was still able to take what I needed from those rooms. I forced myself to get up and leave my husband and make a new life for myself and my daughter.  I needed to start treating codependency and behaviors associated with it.

Letting go of an addict starts by finding help

Each co-addict will find their own journey in the recovery process—some will utilize Al-Anon, psychotherapy, the support of family and friends, uncover strength, or sometimes the addict leaves and gives them no choice but to move on. Others will lose their homes, their savings, and go into debt before being able to walk through the door of recovery. Recovery is a journey—the following are a few skills to help start letting go of the addict and bring you back to center.

Techniques for letting go of the addict

Break things into small steps. No one expects for this to happen all at once. Create small, doable ways, to start taking your focus off of the addict. Here are some practical tips and suggestions for how you can start doing this:

1. Before contemplating separating yourself emotionally or physically from the addict, find a support network. This can be a community group, friends, family members or anyone who is aware of your situation and will be there to help support you. Pick a group or someone who inspires you. When you leave a conversation with your support of choice you should feel better, less afraid and more motivated.

2. Create a list, mentally, or an actual list of actions you know you need to change. Pick things that will stop you from becoming engulfed in what the addict is doing wrong. For example, the next time the addict is out “using,” do not call them, instead talk to your support person and refrain from trying to get them home or get them help.

3. Every time you slip up on your list, do not beat yourself up. Self-love and care is something you need more than ever. If you had it to begin with, things may have not progressed to this point.

4. Find activities that you enjoy which don’t involve the addict. Force yourself to start doing them! Take a walk, breathe deeply, take a bath,read a novel, see a movie, or anything you used to enjoy before your life became unmanageable.

5. Walk Away! Instead of arguing with the addict, force yourself to leave an unhealthy discussion you know will only escalate and get you upset.

6. Visualize the life you want and the life you can have if addiction was not part of it. Write it down and say it to yourself every day. Every single day when you get out of bed.

You may feel like a fraud at first, but slowly, these actions will give you an emotional detachment you didn’t think you could have. You will actually feel less affected and consumed by what the addict is doing. In the beginning, this may be forced, but when you find joy or can culminate a genuine laugh again,you are on the road to letting go.

Letting go of an addict: questions and situations

If you’re struggling at the moment in your life with an addict, you are not alone! Please leave us your questions or need for help in the comments section below. We do our best to support you and will answer you personally and promptly.

Photo credit: thisbedistoosmall

Leave a Reply

172 Responses to “How to let go of an addict
Candice
9:30 am July 17th, 2013

Hi,

I’m 30 years old, with a 9 year old daughter, a nice home, a cute dog and cat and a 35 year old addict boyfriend.

My life is quite peachy, and has been. We are a sweet family.

There are situations, like last year my boyfriend went to jail for selling things that did not belong to him over a period of a year.
I knew he had sold things that did belong to him, but had know idea he was stealing.

He has been in and out of therapy. Rehabs. He is on Suboxone and alzam and an anti depressant. He still uses as far as I know about every 2 weeks. He is a heroin addict. He smokes it. But also as far as I know has used cat and mandrax since being in jail.

Over the last month he pawned my camera, but got it back after I found out. and my bicycle was stolen. But may not have been him.

When he uses, I make him sleep on the couch, I don’t cook for him, I take all his cards and money and I pretty much let his family know and give him a hard time.
I know it is ridiculous.

But he stops for a while then.

His mom is definitely an enabler, she sends him a load of money every week. She knows he has a problem. She also pays for his meds.

Am I an enabler?

We live quite comfortably. I work and we go half with everything to do with the house and living.

I like to think my daughter is not affected?
She has a good life and has routine and is not subjected to his nonsense. She does well at school, and has friends, she is healthy. She is beautiful.

What am I suppose to do?
He refuses NA or rehab.

It breaks my heart. I don’t know how to make it work.
Sometimes I think, it ok, ill except that he uses drugs, But no drugs in the house. It can be controlled somehow.
But then the stealing and lying doesn’t work well with that.
He is so nice, sincere, caring, affectionate, strong, but can be quite a arrogant shit when he’s using, and he looks terrible.

If push comes to shove I will kick him out, or move.

People say something drastic will happen before I do that. Like a accident with my daughter.

Anyway, I guess my first question is, why am I still trying to deal with this?
And second, how could I fix it?
And third how do you live with yourself after your love has hung himself or disappeared forever out of your life?
Is there a way to manage this situation?

Thanks
Candice

Amanda
11:19 am July 17th, 2013

Candice,

It is very likely you will not take my advice. You will be ready to walk away from your boyfriend when you are ready and no sooner, and therefore I write about my story and wrote my book Hope Street, to give others in our situation Hope, a way to see how great life can be without addiction, and not just advice.

I was you, young mother with a daughter, living with an addict. I can promise you one thing, leaving him will be hard, love gets in the way of letting go, but a life without him is better in more ways than you can imagine. He is not going to clean up while living with you, he has no boundaries if he continues to get high, come home and be with both of you despite what he has done. Your daughter may not know exactly what is going on but my daughter is now 9 and they know a lot more than they let on. Do you want her to think this is what a normal father figure is? What would you tell her if she were dating someone like your boyfriend? And if the answer is you would not want her to be with someone like that, then why do you stay?

For a moment imagine a man that comes home every day and spends quality time with you and your child, loves you, respects you and when he says he is going out to the store, he does what he says. Imagine a man that is there for you when you need him and someone you don’t have to take care of or throw on the couch to sleep off his drugs. Imagine even living with your daughter and cute dog and no man and living in a house of peace. I promise you, right now you are just used to living like this but it is not peachy and it cannot be a good example for your child.
At 5 years old I took my child to therapy and found out she knew a lot more than I thought she did and that is why I wrote my book, for her, to show her that I was strong enough to leave and to give her a happy, normal life. I thought living with my husband/addict was normal, we had great times, he was so loving to me, he gave me everything, but what I realized was how could I be happy when every few weeks I was dealing with relapses, strange phone calls, finding pills in my home and much more. I couldn’t and until I physically got up and walked away I could not see how great my life could be on my own terms and not on an addict’s terms.

There are many different kinds of enablers, even if you don’t accept his behavior and put him on the couch, by not leaving him, you ARE accepting his behavior. You have to be strong enough to leave and care enough about yourself to want more for you. You deserve not to be living with this. I heard people tell me this 100X with my husband and I didn’t really hear it and I made excuses and then I stopped talking to those people, but when if finally set in that this was no way to live, a whole new world opened up to me as it will for you.
Good Luck.
Best,
Amanda

Ursula
10:38 pm July 19th, 2013

Hi, That’s realy taugh what you goin through, but I have respect of you that you showing your boundarys when he was using, don’t cook for him, tell that to all his family wow that’s good!! But don’t listen to other people, with that comment your daughter need to have an accident before you kick him out. You know yourself in your Heart when its the right time to do so.!! I wish you strength and encouragement.

Candice
12:26 pm July 23rd, 2013

Thank you. And thanks for the well wishes.

I think everyday that its probably the right time to kick him out. He wont leave.
And you are right there is no way id wish this life on another person, especially my daughter.
So i am being a bad example.
EVERY SINGLE TIME he needs to pop off to the shop I dread it.
And frankly i dont like it when he goes to the loo either.
It isn’t natural…consuming.
He doesn’t think his actions should effect us in a negative way at all.

Anyway, we all have the same story. How messed up is that.

Nobody ever comes out of this as a closely knit family with nooooooo substance abuse?
Need to read your book. What ever happened to your husband?

Candice

Amanda
12:52 pm July 24th, 2013

Candice,

I know that knot you have in your stomach every time you know he is using or wants to. You can ask him to leave and if he won’t then you can. You are worth much more than this. Living with addiction is not a choice for your boyfriend but it is a choice for you and I would chose sanity, happiness, your child over the insane cycle of addiction. I guarantee if you add up all the good times, they don’t hold a candle to all of the bad times. Please read my book, Hope Street, if you can, I have had many people tell them it really helped them to heal and to find hope. I wish you and your daughter the best.
Amanda

Jen
8:55 am February 8th, 2014

I was married to an addict for 16 years and left. I met what I thought was a wonderful, in recovery and working it, man, that I became engaged to, despite vowing to never marry again. It’s almost a year later and guess what, he’s using. I’ve got those sickening feeling in my stomach, I have no car, we we’re saving for one, and we live together. I have a good job and can afford to be on my own, but I am having a very hard time “letting go”. My mind races (I have ADD), and I don’t eat or sleep. I really hate all of this.

Amanda
3:42 pm February 11th, 2014

Jen,
Good for you for getting out of your first relationship. I know how tough that can be.
You were able to get the strength to do that just like you will muster it up again to
make a change in your life now. I know that sick feeling all to well. If you can afford
to be on your own, then you can afford to live without that sick feeling.
There comes a time to look at ourselves and why we keep letting these types of people
into our lives. Are we missing something or is this familiar to us? Are we reliving the past and
since these feelings are all we know, we feel comfortable. I learned much later, that the sick
feeling, the drama and the sadness I lived with my ex-husband was similar to how I felt
growing up with two parents that fought and screamed all of the time. So with my husband, this
uncertainty was familiar to me and therefore, I felt it was normal. You need to be out of that situation long enough to heal yourself and accept love from someone who is a healthy person.
It may feel strange at first, boring even, at first, but having a healthy relationship is the best experience. It took me 12 years of my life, youth wasted on my ex-husband, but I was able to get out alive and find someone who has no issues with addiction, and I promise you, there is nothing like doing laundry, going through the pockets of your husband’s pants and not have that sick feeling in your stomach.
When this happened to me, I wrote about it, it transformed into a book, Hope Street. It was my only solace at the time, but it helped me look back and say, “who is this person?” It helped me and still helps me today realized I never want that life again. When this was going on, I couldn’t let go and although people were telling me I was part of the problem, I couldn’t see it. People can only hurt you if you accept it. I didn’t realize part of my personality was to accept things and
rationalize and love too much. This is not a strength in a relationship with an addict.
Jen, take a look at yourself and know you are worth it.
Of course you hate this, and unfortunately it doesn’t usually get much better.
Amanda

Sarah
2:32 pm May 30th, 2014

Hi, thank you so much for writing this article. After 5 years of being in an on-again/off-again relationship with my drug addict boyfriend, I reached my limit this morning and found this article.

For me the problem has always been letting go of the loving, strong, caring and highly intelligent man that he IS when he’s not using. But last night, when he got his first big pay cheque at his new job, he disappeared again. I’m tired and exhausted of having to worry about him, connect his stories to see if he’s lying to me, and living in fear of when he’ll leave me next.

My only problem is, I don’t hate him. Even though I should after all the humiliation he’s put me through, I don’t have it in me to hate him, I just hate what he does. I can see that he’s battling something that’s very debilitating and I never want to be the persont that puts him down. Having said that, I know it’s time for me to WALK AWAY from our relationship. No matter how in love we are. I think it is best for us both.

My question to you is, do you have any tips on how I can communicate this? As of now, he hasn’t got in touch with me since he left last night. But I’m sure he will. Am I supposed to tell him it’s over? That I don’t love him anymore (because it’s not true..)? That I’m moving on? That we can get back together after “x” amount of months in a rehab program or something? I guess what I’m saying is, should i or shouldn’t I give him a hope for us?

What’s the best way to communicate why I’m choosing to leave something so amazing we share because of his problem? I guess, my constant efforts to not make him feel bad that he’s got an addiction is my problem here. Is there a way to not make someone feel bad for their mistakes but still put your foot down when it comes to what you won’t tolerate anymore, i.e. deceit and drugs?

Sorry if this is complicated. Thank you reading my comment and posting this article.

gina
9:32 pm May 31st, 2014

Thank you so much,i am new to your site,my husband is an addict,, i now know that im on the right track,its really hard living with an addict,,the lieing,stealing,aruging and never keeping a job and yet you try to help and suport them, i kicked my husband out three months ago and i tell you i really fill at pease ,i love him very much,but i know that i will never be happy with his addiction, my question is how do remain friends with out trying to munipulate you to give them another chance,it will never happen because i have five years of bitterness inside of me, but i do want the best for him and i pray for him everday, that the lord deliver him from this and i know that he will ,in due time, he jast have to want it but as for now i am so very happy thinks to this wed site.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:50 pm June 2nd, 2014

Dear Sarah and Gina,
I am writing to you both from the room of my dying grandmother. I have been crying all morning and I have not wept this hard since my ex-husband disappeared because of his addiction. Being here is a reminder that life is short and should be lived well.
I truly understand your struggles and your pain, but you both have a choice. You can continue to live and worry about your loved one or you can chose to let them go with love. I can promise you that if you move on for real, you will find a serenity and happiness that will allow you to thrive and flourish. You both deserve to be happy. Sometimes it is best to stop all contact with the addict because it gives you distance, time to heal, grow and get strong again. If you need a reason to give to your loved one to leave them, it can simply be that you are not happy and need to move on so that you can be.
You can still love the person you are leaving but you need to love yourself more. An addict will lie, pull on your heart strings and you could be right back to square one. The only way for you to really live a full and happy life is to get healthy and I assure you that happier and healthier relationships will follow.
If you keep in contact with someone who is sick, it will keep you sick. This is your time to get better.
Please read my memoir Hope Street, I wrote it to help others because I have been exactly where you are. If you can not afford the book, email me personally and I will get it to you. The book will take you through my journey and show you there is not only a way out but a great life afterwards.
In honor of my grandmother, who helped me move on, I aspire, as it sounds you both do, to live my life happily and to the very fullest.
Best,
Amanda

Wendy
3:03 pm June 13th, 2014

Hi there, thanks for the advice here. My partner is an alcoholic, I moved out of his house last year because I couldnt stand his behaviour and his drinking habits that often lead to more stress and financial problems. He becomes this raging drunk but he is completely opposite when sober. When I left, i started reclaiming my life back. I went back to my hobbies, live solo in my house and in control of my finances etc, im quite happy about these. It took time for him to realise to seek help in at Al-Anon. He was in total denial before. When he told me he was serious going to AA and be sober, I also thought maybe its good to give it another go. Since then, I come with him to meetings as I am quite interested about the disease and also be his support. We decided we want to fix the relationship. I know he really wants to recover but really struggling on keeping sober, something like his brain telling him he needs the drink like food. He had a minor slip before (not to point of drunkeness) that made him feel guilty and start putting more effort to the steps and go back to his calendar again. I keep reminding him about consequences if he wants to go back in that kind of life again and lose everything again. He appreciates me for doing that. BUT I am so disappointed today for his recent relapsed caused by his enabling mother….

i remember when i was living with him, his mother gets overbearing and tends to get over involved with us. She “loves” her son so much she kept defending, funding him, cover-up and bail him everytime he got into trouble when he was younger.. I got so pissed off one time when she bought him bourbon and I had to put up with the violent behaviour when he got drunk. His mother even told me put a pillow everytime he passes out on the floor, she told me “this is how i care for my ex-husband before” (wth?) everytime i tried to convice him not to drink, his mother calls me “controlling” or “trying to change him” or “trying to be his mother”.

His mother did it again today and my partner relapsed after weeks of sobriety (like i said he just started again his calendar after a minor slip) She gave him smokes and booze and money. I got so disappointed when I visited him today. he looked so guilty when i left.
i dont know what to do, how to support him if his mother is always an active enabler for his active addiction.. Its hard to have a relationship while addiction is active. Its hard to reason out with his mother, its frustrating but I care for my partner! I just keep ignoring his calls today, there’s no point of talking while he is drunk! I dont need unecessary stress! Anyone can give me advice to my situation? What should i do?

Amanda Andruzzi
12:00 pm June 14th, 2014

Wendy,
It sounds like you have successfully pulled yourself out of a non functional relationship. When an addict is sober, you can see glimpses of a person you love and it can feel so amazing. The truth is, the disease, if an addict is not in full recovery, and sometimes even if they are is a viable part of who they are.

When it comes to his mother, it is apparent that she is a co-addict. She is stuck in a cycle that has nothing to do with you. She loves her son and she is not ready to detach so he can actually get better. Some people have their own issues that they are hiding from so they like focusing on and taking care of someone in order to put the focus somewhere else . Also the parent/child dynamic with addiction is much different. Her love is unconditional and it is hard for her to see the difference between enabling and simply loving her son. He will have to be healthy enough to break from her or vice versa for recovery to stick or he will always be able to use.

I think you already know the answer to your own question and this may be hard to hear, but that peace that you feel when you are in charge of your own life will not be restored until you let him go. It is so hard to stop helping someone you love especially when you know the potential they have, but this is not your fight. Remaining in his life will only hurt you because he is not ready. Please read my article in this blog, “zero tolerance: help for families” to help you with some tips about this topic. Addiction is a cycle that will repeat itself, as you have probably already noticed. Your only responsibility and power lies in helping yourself.

Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Charlene
1:49 pm June 25th, 2014

Hi , I called the police on my alcoholic husband this weekend in order to get him out of the house . I did it because I had asked him to move his things to the basement and in doing so he had a rifle that we had for protection ( I had removed the amo a long time ago) I have great job and own the house my problem is emotional . I have such guilt and remorse for throwing him out. The gun situation was the last straw because he insisted I give him the shells because he bought them. I know I sound ridiculous , but I can’t stop crying for having given up on hm.

Amanda Andruzzi
11:38 am June 26th, 2014

Charlene,
I understand how you feel. You have every right to feel upset because it is an upsetting situation. Every person needs time to grieve a loss but also understand that not only did you do the right thing, you made a gesture to save yourself from an unhealthy relationship.
Moving on is never easy but things do seem worse before they get better, but they will get better. If you can focus on that it will help guide you through the pain. You did not give up on your husband, when someone chooses to use, then it is they who have given up.

Addiction is a sordid process that sometimes you need to remove yourself from because it can make you sick too.

You called the police because you went with your gut which was that you needed this to stop! You should never feel guilt over protecting yourself from someone who is hurting you. In fact, by making him leave, you are probably helping him hit bottom.

Now is the time to get strong and go for help that focuses on your recovery; al-anon, therapy, reading books or anything you can do to help you heal.
I can promise you, with your husband gone, slowly but surely, the peace of not living with addiction will be an amazing feeling, just give yourself some time.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hopestreetmemoir.com

Charlene
3:00 pm June 26th, 2014

Amanda,

Thank You for responding . Everything you said makes perfect sense. I just have a need to hear it over and over again . I’m staying strong this time .

Your blog helps because I don’t feel so alone. I’m going to counseling already and will give al Amon another try. I just worry that I will meet with a room full of people who have decided to stay. Last time I went that was what I encountered .

Amanda Andruzzi
12:09 pm June 27th, 2014

Charlene,
My best friend in the whole world, the one who insisted I publish my memoir about co-addiction, Hope Street, because she watched me with my ex husband for 12 years, ended up marrying an alcoholic. I thought that she, of all people, would know the life you are in for when you choose an addict as a partner. She is a professional and is beautiful. When things started to fall apart for her, I was on the other side this time. Unfortunately this whole cycle is irrational and unpredictable. I told her how Al-anon did not work for me because it was a room full of people who we’re learning how to live with am addict and that was not going to be my future. She found a group that was the opposite, she found many women who left and moved.
I wouldn’t rule anything out until you try it, it is better right now to go for all the help you can get. But believe me, I left, and it was the best decision I ever made. I took time for me and a healthy relationship found me this time. I am happily remarried and having my third child. I have no contact with my ex husband nor does he with his daughter. My story was an extreme situation but to get out I focused on the fact those I knew that moved on and gained their strength back and went on to healthier lives. I knew I deserved that.
I no longer get anxiety when doing the laundry, for fear of what drug I might find in my husbands pocket and when he leaves I don’t question what state he will return home in. This new reality is something I appreciate more than anything.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi,
HopeStreetMemoir[dot]com

Holly
10:12 pm June 28th, 2014

My husband has an addiction to pornography, he doesn’t always tell me when he has gone into it and I feel he should. I ask him to tell me, but I wonder, is this stopping my recovery? I have in the past checked his phone etc to see if he has gone into it, I have tried to stop and did pretty well for a while, but have started to check his computer and I feel I am getting pulled back in. I always checked because he wasn’t telling me and I feel I have a right to know…but do I really? Is it best to leave it up to him if he wants to tell me or not and do I need to accept it if he doesn’t?

Amanda Andruzzi
11:18 am June 30th, 2014

Holly,
My experience with this type of experience is limited but I do believe all addiction and co-addiction scenarios have similar characteristics regarding behavior. It sounds like your husband is involved in a behavior that consumes him and isolates you. In turn, you are feeling the negative affects on your relationship and intimacy with him.
With all addictive behaviors, we have to take responsibility only for ourselves because we cannot be responsible for another persons actions; only our own reactions.
You are on the right track, checking up on him is only making you feel worse and it is not stopping him. I would continue to get healthier and the healthier you become, either your husband will see this and be inspired to get better and be a part of it or go the other direction. Either way it is out of your control. You can set boundaries and express that you are unhappy and that you both need to seek counseling or you cannot continue on with your relationship.
If I were in your shoes, I would help myself first and take the focus of off what he is doing, even though it hurts, then when you are okay, you can deal with whether or not his addiction is something you want to live with or if you need to move on. Check out my article on Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction, some of the concepts may be helpful to you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hopestreetmemoir[dot]com

Silvia
3:40 am August 2nd, 2014

I’m in love with a Heroin Addict How do I let go! Please, any response will help me!?
I cry from the minute I wake up and as soon as my day is done and I’m finally able to lay in bed I cry for hours. I know there’s many people out there going through it I just need some guidance. Sometimes I feel like I can do this sometimes I feel like I can’t take one more minute of this pain. My ex boyfriend and I met and fell in love instantly I’ve never met someone like him I’ve had 3 serious boyfriends before him 1 of them became a drug addict 4 years into our relationship. The other 2 physically abused me and cheated on me. I swore off guys for a while then I met the love of my life. I can still say he is the best boyfriend I have ever had I have never been with anyone Ive been so attracted too, he made me laugh EVERY day he adored me so much. I knew I deserved this after all the hell I went through in the past. Few months into the relationship my bf had to leave for rehab he told me he had not started using again he just felt like he was on the verge of relapse(LIE he had been using since the day he met me) He left to Florida for 6 months. I didn’t leave him even though i knew it was best to let him go since I had already been through the tortured life of dating a drug addict. He finally moved back he moved in with me. We were finally back together. 2 weeks being back he started using Heroin again. He stole my roommates rent and sold hisps3 for $40. It’s been a week since i kicked him out. How do i let go even though I’m watching his life deteriorate all over again.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:38 pm August 3rd, 2014

Silvia,

I see a pattern here…Loving men that are not capable of loving you back the way you deserve. Sometimes we have to look inside ourselves and fix what is broken. Why do we keep going back to relationships that are unhealthy and make us sick? Why are we attracted to troubled men? This patterned has more to do with you, your upbringing, insecurities, and other issues than you may realize.
I have been exactly where you are, married to the love of my life, with a child and he was an addict.
What I realized, 12 years too late, was that I was attracted to his sickness. We were best friends and I really felt it was my job to fix him. I learned the hard way it was not.
It is a good thing you were able to kick him out. That is a great first step. You will go through pain, unavoidable pain, but you are headed in the right direction. Now is the time to grieve, heal and work on you.
How to do it…reread this article, and the many others I have written and put them into practice. Educate yourself on addiction and co-addiction. I wrote a memoir, Hope Street, to help people like you, who were just like me. The most important thing to take from this is that this is about you, not him, and that is what you need to focus on. Once you become strong and healthy, you will not allow relationships like this in your life.
I am here if you need anything.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Ursula
8:30 pm August 3rd, 2014

Hi Sylvia

you did the right thing. Kick him out, that is a very brave step of you. I feel the same like Amanda, you had shitty relationships before and your addict boyfriend treated you nice adorable and with love and kind. And you think that is the love of your live. To live with an addict is not easy. I live with an addict aswell. Since 9 years i am goin through the same thing over and over again. I wish i could be strong, kick him out, or leave him. You did the the right thing brave. Be Strong and keep beeing strong you will get stronger. Make sure now that you are okay and that you think first at yourself now. If your boyfreand really loves you soo much, he will do anything to get cand look for support and help, to get clean and hopefully live a normal live. Dont give up, I will defenetly read Amandas Memoir, thank you and sylvia be surroundet by lovley people and do that what is good for you.

Kim
11:00 pm August 8th, 2014

I have a 24 year old son who went to treatment several times and since he is gay, I found a gay sober living home in Florida. He has since moved out, done well but now quit his job, is dancing at a gay club, doing drugs and some prostitution. He is out of control and is going to die by drugs or by going with a stranger. He makes no money and had totaled two cars in two months. I cannot believe he has sunk so low so fast. My only communication is by phone. I am scared I will loose my only child. I cannot get him to see he is in bad shape. I need help. I need advice. He is killing me. He is my life. I just don’t know what to do to get him to accept help or see he has a bad problem. He is very close to being kicked out of his apartment and being homeless. I am scared. Scared beyond words.

Amanda
6:16 pm August 9th, 2014

Hi Kim,
There are no words to describe what it is like watching a child self destruct. Loving a child is unconditional and it is not the same with a spouse or partner. The only thing I can tell you is that unfortunately you cannot stop him or end his addiction. Trying to help and enabling him may only support his habit and lifestyle. How do you love him and let him destroy himself? There is no easy answer. You are not responsible for what he is doing but there are ways you can help him.
Please read my article Zero tolerance for drug abuse: Lessons for Families
http://drug.addictionblog.org/zero-tolerance-for-drug-abuse-lessons-for-families/.

There are some constructive ways in this article that might help you. I would recommend that you get some support right away to help you deal with this; a therapist, al-anon, community programs and/or other support groups. You need to stay strong and learn the best way to help your son, which very well may be not doing anything at all.
When someone is under the influence, trying to make them see that they are ruining their life is a difficult and somewhat impossible task. Interventions may be helpful but it still has to be a decision made by the addict. They must come to a point where they are sick and tired of what they are doing. Half-hearted attempts usually end up in failure and relapse.
What you are experiencing must be the scariest feeling that I hope I will never have to have. I think the key is to try and understand the nature of addiction, the reality of how it runs its course and work on getting stronger for you and for your son.
There is a great book, Healing the Addicted Brain, I would recommend reading. It explains addiction in a very different light and may help explain that there may be more than just addiction you are dealing with. It may help you direct him to more appropriate help when he is ready. Please stay strong.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Author of Hope Street Memoir

kharmayme
10:58 pm August 15th, 2014

I have tried to let my husband go to I end up letting him back in my life & for four years it’s been the same thing over & over going without it for two months or couple of weeks then right back out there. Be in church stayn home every weekend spending time with me EVERYDAY not hanging out then get another job do good for couple weeks then back out there again. I never put him down when he comes back or fuss & bring it back up I just show him love. He says he sorry & cry every time & say he wants to stop & want help & he has & still goes back now we no longer have our own home I live with my Grandparents & he was stay with his mom but got back out there & she put him out now he’s back in the streets. WHAT DO I DO I’M SO TIED OF THE YO YO LIFE BUT I LOVE HIM & FEEL LIKE I’M WRONG IF I LET HIM GO BUT I DON’T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE ANYMORE. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE LORD PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME

Silvia
4:28 am August 16th, 2014

I’m 23 years old been living with a drug addict boyfriend for 3 years. We have a two year old son together. My “boyfriend” has been in and out of jail at least 6 times in the past 7 months. I’m devastated he’s tried to kill himself in front of me and our son a month before Christmas but I managed to take the knife away from him and left him for a couple of weeks while he was taken to a psych ward. All he does is lie, steal money from me and other people, he’s been charged with burglary (2counts) and battery. He usually won’t call me for about a week or whenever he wants. He never asks about our son all he cares about is getting high or trying to sell his drugs. He’s been addicted to crack cocaine and heroine. His forearms are severely infected (it looks like) from shooting up almost everyday.. I tried my best to get him off the drugs I’ve prayed everyday for him but he doesn’t want to change.. He’s overdoes at least 3 times and is still continuing to use.. I sometimes wait for a phone call to let me know he passed away that sounds horrible and it makes me sick to my stomach but, it’s the truth. I feel like I really can’t help him I can’t get through to him. I don’t know where he’s at or where he sleeps. He told me a while again when he was in jail that he was in a gang. He’s shared needles with a couple of people and I hope I didn’t catch anything from him (not that we are physically active anymore) I need help to let go and detach my self I need to focus on my son and myself. He doesn’t give me money for our son for anything. I work 6 days a week to support him and my bills. Any recommendations I would highly appreciate..

Amanda Andruzzi
11:11 am August 19th, 2014

kharmayme,
Who wouldn’t be sick of what is happening in your life? Your husband is on the streets, using, and you are living with your grandparents.
You have tried unconditional love and probably everything else you could think of but this is not your problem, nor your addiction, so as much as you want to, you cannot fix it. As frustrating as that is to hear it is the truth. Your husband will do this to you as long as you let him and then he will manipulate someone else until he hits his absolute bottom. As co-addicts we are always there to cushion the fall but after a while we end up in the position you are in now; miserable, sad, angry, lonely, unhappy and unable to move on.
Co- addicts must hit their own “rock bottom” and regardless of where the addict is at, move on. You have to reach a point where you actually cannot go on this way and then and only then will you change your life. Try the steps in this article, when and only when, you realize there is no going back. The key to moving on is recovery for you and letting go of the addict.
Just keep remembering, actions speak louder than words, pleas and cries. How much more time will you allow your husband to make you feel the way you just expressed? It is up to you to get out of an unhealthy situation. This, coming from a single mom, who was left in debt while her husband cheated, abused drugs and stole money fromy family and friends, is not advice I am making up but something I have gone through personally. Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
11:34 am August 19th, 2014

Sylvia,
It sounds like your boyfriend is already out of your life, you just need to make it final. He may expose you and your child to not only heartache, pain, and financial loss but also expose you to serious diseases. This is going to sound tough but you need to let go completely, for the sake of your child. He does not contribute to your life in any way and in reality only makes it worse. You do not need to wait for that phone call, choose not to even answer that phone. You know you cannot fix him and helping him only hurts you.
The faster you move on and find happiness the better you will feel and be a positive role model for your son. You can do this on your own but you do not need to do it alone. From one mother to another, exposing your child to an addicted father and a mother who is living in pain and sadness is not good for him. Your son is lucky enough to have one parent who is loving, responsible, hard working and sober. You need to focus on him and yourself and healing so you can move on to a happy life for both of you.
Please read more of my articles for more support and get help for yourself. Al-anon is free and it is everywhere. Find support from friends, from a therapist and google community programs in your area for you and your son. Once you start your recovery and the process of moving on then those feelings you are expressing will be replaced with strength, independence, and a new freedom and peace I wish I could convey to you. Hope Street, my memoir, is my story. I have been right where you are emotionally and physically so I understand what you are feeling and how hard it really is, firsthand. Keep in touch.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hope Street Memoir

kharmayme
11:27 pm August 19th, 2014

Hi Amanda the is Kharmayme I’M TRYN EVERYDAY to let go but it is so hard cuz I hve this passion in my heart for ppl & I no Hw it is to feel like no one cares. Hold up wait a moment in just read wht I said my own self I realize that he could never feel that Why from me his wife cuz I have shown so much love dat What b more than enough for ten men. I just have to let go & go through the “letn go process ” wth the help frm GOD. Are there online Support groups that if I want to talk to someone EVERYDAY to get through this I can? I just want to start back truly being happy & loving myself & not hve to fake being happy or needing to stay busy, or stay around alot of ppl or sleep to keep frm bn sad feeln lonely or that I’M now the one that’s wrong.

kharmayme
11:33 pm August 19th, 2014

Srry Amanda I am so Srry I forgot to say thank u so much u hve bn such a gr8 help to me deeply frm my heart thank u if we all just mustard up the strength to just say I’M goin to do this cuz I deserve to b happy & love even if it has to come frm our own self. One day this too could b us telln our happy endings

Amanda Andruzzi
12:15 pm August 20th, 2014

kharmayme,
You are very welcome. I write for people like you because I know what you are going through. You can always comment here or email me at hopestreetmemoir@gmail.com. As for online support, there are many, just google online support for addiction and co addiction and pick what resonates for you. Al-anon has online support as well. But I would recommend a more human connection to compliment the online support, a therapist and/or a community group which you can google in your area or contact local organizations like the YMCA. There are usually free programs available for you and your son.
You will be happy and you will be strong when you realize you are not abandoning your boyfriend. He has abandoned you for addiction and now you must take care of yourself and your son. I know the love you feel for him seems impossible to turn your back on but if I could show you what is on the other side of the door you would be amazed at the possibilities for you and your child. Security, peace, calm, happiness, joy, appreciation for life, and the opportunity for a new and healthy relationship. How do I try and explain what you could have if you have never had it? It’s difficult, but this is where trust comes in. You need to put faith and belief in people who have been where you are and have successfully moved on. Those are the people you need to surround yourself with.
Keep reading, please read all my articles because I really think they will help you. Take small steps at first and do not beat yourself up when you take a step back. Just take care of yourself and more importantly your son. The love you have for your child will make you want to be the best person you can be so he has the opportunity to flourish and thrive. Please keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi

Jen
12:09 am August 21st, 2014

I am now divorced (as of 7/28/14) from my meth addict husband and father of my 20 month old daughter. I used to use his head injury and shitty parents and his lack of love in his life as an excuse for why he used. We were only married three and a half years and it married him six weeks after meeting him so maybe it was doomed for failure. He used our first year of marriage and then not again until after his mother died Dec 2013. I have only been able to partially let go which is more like not letting go. He moved out but I would help him because I’m afraid to let him go because I know he’ll spiral out of control. So I bring him to my home to stay and spend time with my daughter and the other day during one of his visits home I found his meth pipe and talked to his demon the night I found and took the pipe. The demon threatened me and wanted me to climb into the dumpster to find the pipe. After a hours of this I broke down and gave him back his pipe because I was beginning to fear for my safety. I drove him back to where he was staying at first light the next morning. Within two days he spent over $1000 of his money on drugs and phone hot chat lines. My question is more of a plea because I feel such sorrow and sadness and guilt over all of this. I truly feel like I’m turning my back on him especially after I turned off his phone that I was paying for. I just need to hear some advice or comments or someone’s point of view that will help me to cope with all of this. Thank you! Jen

Amanda Andruzzi
11:18 am August 21st, 2014

Jen,
I do not like to sound so negative but I would like you to read my book, Hope Street, to get a glimpse of what staying with him and keeping him in your life like this will be like years down the road. Also it might help you see when you do let go that there are so many wonderful possibilities out there for you and your child.
You are kind, caring and want to take care of your husband and this does not make you a bad person. However, it does make you easier to manipulate and therefore your husband will use you whenever he can.
Please read my article here in this blog, Co-addiction: Get Angry! Do you think your husband is loving and caring for you when he is spending thousands of dollars to get high? I am sure it is not easy to raise your child alone with no financial support. That money would benefit your child but instead it is being used to get him high and call women. It sounds like he is not helping your child but some how, some way, he has the ability to find money for drugs.
Jen, if you let him into your life doing what he is doing, you will not be able to truly heal and recover. You deserve to, for you and for your child so that you can both have a happy and healthy life. Your husband is holding you back and keeping you in a world of heartache and pain.
You have obviously tried and done all that you can for him and the truth is you can’t be the one to save him. If he gets sober it will come from him and only when and if he is ready.
If you look at it from another angle maybe this will help you as it helped me. I always blamed my husband’s addiction on his father leaving him as a child for his heroin addiction and lack of love in his family. I told myself he used because of that. I grew up in a dysfunctional household, became a single parent and lived with his addiction for 12 years, why was I able to be sober? Why was I not allowed to fall apart? You can only make excuses for him so long before you have to realize this disease and his choices are going to hurt you and your child if they have not done too much damage already.
Find help for yourself, read more about co-addiction and addiction, read the other articles I have written here. Focus on you, your child, and not him and his addiction and soon, when you can actually let go, your feelings of sadness will be replaced with a new independence and a life that makes you happy.
Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi
hopestreetmemoir[dot]com

Lynn
5:33 pm August 24th, 2014

I am a twice divorced single mom who is ending a five year relationship with a man who has made me learn more about myself than I ever could see. Not him necessarily , the relationship. He is the most caring, compassionate, loving man I ever knew. Kind, giving….alcoholic. He is also bipolar.. A huge reason or excuse for his addiction. I see how alcohol affects his moods as it causes his medication to not work. Broken hearted I choose to leave the relationship. Ironically my first husband was a compulsive gambler yet a totally different person than the man I love but am leaving now. Whew talk about who really has the problem here!

Amanda Andruzzi
12:39 pm September 1st, 2014

Lynn,
You are not alone in how you feel about relationships with addicts. They are usually very passionate people and relationships can be very intense, dramatic, and desireable. Just because they “use” does not mean they don’t show you a good side. These things are what makes it so hard to leave and so easy to fall in love.
But they are in most cases individuals with a psychological, physical and/or chemical disorder so relationships with them are rarely healthy. There are a lot of cases where they abuse substances to deal with their conditions and the fact that you recognize that does give you a good insight on why these relationships do not work.
Then, we have to turn the light on ourselves and realize that we have our part in it as well. What makes us attracted to people with addictions? What void does it fill? Why are we attracted to it? Why do we feel the need to fix others?
There are many questions and so many different life experiences that lead us to these relationships. It is a good idea to look within ourselves, our history and our childhood to find out why we engage in these relationships and work on changing, correcting and healing ourselves so we may find healthy and loving relationships.
It was my first husband and our relationship that allowed me to understand what my issues were and when I was able to finally let go I did not make the same mistake again. I was no longer intrigued by men with problems but secure enough with myself to form a relationship with a man that was secure with himself and did not need drugs to live his life. And that was a great accomplishment for me. And because I am not so distracted with his issues, I still have room to grow. Best of Luck.
Amanda

broken
3:50 am September 5th, 2014

I don’t even know where to begin….I need help badly! I have been with my boyfriend for over nine months now and we have probably actually seen each other a total of three…maybe. He goes out and steals all day and he doesn;t come home until ten or eleven, sometimes even later. We have never been on a date, he has never paid for anything and he has stolen so much from me. I have also given him money when he didn’t have it which is every day. He has never paid a bill or kep a promise…NEVER ONCE! He says he loves me but never looks at me, we haven’t had sex in over two months and it was maybe once a month before that. He will tell me that he promises to be home at a certain time yet has never ever kept that promise. He never has me go with him anywhere and he lies to me every day all day long about everything. He manipulates everyone around him and to everyone else he appears as such a great guy. He always has an excuse and always has some hard luck story as to why he didn’t do what he said he would do for me or even for himself. I love him so much and I feel so stuck. He is incredibly intelligent, and not just the usual “og he’s so smart and could be so great bs”…this guy is truly one of the great minds on this planet. He could make history if he really put his mind to it. But, he has been the worst person I have ever known to me. He never says nasty things to me or gets violent or demeans me with words, but I feel so demeaned and rejected every day and every second that I am with him…when ever that may be after midnight for a few minutes until he goes up into the bathroom and spends two hours in there, then passes out or I have to go to sleep to go to work in the morning. I have bailed him out of jail three or four times now. I stopped hanging out with my friends and family because I am embarassed to always be alone. People will as “where’s Chris” and I wouldn’t know what to say. Most of the time I tell them he’s at work but he doesn’t have a job. He is 31 and dropped out of his engineering program and does nothing all day but steal and lie and go do dope. All the utilities are about to get shut off and he promises to come home with money every day, but every night it’s always some hard luck story as to why he doesn’t have it and then he tell me “tomorrow” everything will be better but tomorrow NEVER comes. Please help! I am loosing myself completely!

Amanda Andruzzi
5:29 pm September 5th, 2014

Broken,

If it was not you writing what you did and you read it as an outside party what would you think?
What is it you like or love about him? There does not seem like he has one good quality towards you in your relationship. It is clear he needs help for his issues but it is even more clear that you need help for you. No one deserves to be treated the way you describe so this is far more about you than him. He is a symptom of a deeper issue for you.
Does this relationship recreate feelings for you that are familiar? Is there a self-esteem or confidence issue that allows you to stay with him even though things are so awful?
You first need to look at these questions and look inside yourself and find out why you would allow anyone in your life like this, especially when there was no goodness from the beginning.
This is not healthy for you and it sounds like he is only using you to help with his addiction. That being the case, it would be the best thing for you to get support right away, a therapist, support group, al-anon, and let him go completely.
Unfortunately you will only do this when you are ready and no sooner. Please take the time to evaluate the situation and figure out exactly what it is that you are gaining from allowing him to use you and then hopefully you will be able to be objective.
I would recommend not hiding from friends and family because you are only protecting him. They might be able to help you and realize this is not the person you should be with. You need them because they might be just the voice of reason you need. If you are embarrassed to tell them about your relationship then you know deep down it should not go on.
Please keep reading the article I have written here , especially the ones on co-addiction and educate yourself as to your part in this dysfunctional relationship. You deserve a real relationship and to be happy but first you must be healthy and take care of you.
Amanda
Hope Street Memoir

Jennifer A
3:48 pm September 23rd, 2014

Hi, I am 31 years old and have recently broken things off with my addict boyfriend, actually he is he one that ended things with me. Other then what I thought were small signs in the past this was the biggest sign of his addiction, within a matter of 4 hours it went from him telling me how much he loves and adores me to me waking up to a text message saying he was leaving me b/c he isn’t feeling well. He was coming off of a cocaine binge and getting severe headaches. The week prior he was very moody and closed off but I looked past it and just told myself it was his pain making him cranky. It took him about 5 days to respond to any type of communication and still would not agree to meet with me. My heart is/was completely shattered. I can’t understand why the man I love and was planning a future with wont even sit across from me and look me in the eyes. About a week at ago I knew he had been traveling for work and out with a coworker drinking. I received a very odd text that he wanted to come over and bring me my things, when I told him I would not be there I saw I side of him I never in a million years thought I would see, he called me awful names, accused me of going away to be with someone else- it was just awful. He claimed that he as “testing” me to see if I would be home because he was coming back to me to work things out, mind you prior to everything we never fought. I am embarrassed to say that I played right into,I didn’t fire back with nastiness, instead I sat there and cried begged him not to do this, that I would cancel my trip because I loved him and wanted this to work. I let him manipulate me into thinking this is now my fault that we aren’t together. If there was ever a point I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown its now. Since that he has blocked me from social media, won’t answer my calls or text messages. I know I deserve better then this, I can not throw away my future for someone that will never be able to put me or a family first but not having closure is killing me. Last time I saw him was 3 weeks ago, he was cold and distant because of his headache, in my mind I just cant accept that we leave it that way. How do I just walk away? I feel like a fool and humiliated but I still love him. When he is sober he is wonderful but the drugs make him a cold jerk that only cares about himself.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:34 am September 25th, 2014

Jennifer A,
That is what drugs do, turn the person you love into what seems like another person–a monster. However, the person you live is not real either , if that wonderful man were so wonderful he would not need drugs and he would not treat you the way he has. The truth is the drugs are masking serious issues.
He has a long road ahead of him and it seems like this is not over for you. You are hurt and devastated and rightfully so, but you really need to educate yourself on addiction because this is not personal. All addicts manipulate, lie, hide, have an alternate personality, and destroy their own lives. They lie to everyone including themselves. This has little to do with you. However, I took everything my addicted husband said and did to heart and I suffered for 12 years before he destroyed our lives.
It is hard to tell people not to make the same mistakes I made but hopefully you can learn something from what I went through. Keep reading my articles here and try to understand that you need to get strong and move in. Allowing this in your life will only bring you down. Please check out my memoir, Hope Street. To get a bigger picture on what addicts are really like , how I know all the insanity you are going through, but also how when I realized the truth about addiction I was finally able to take steps in the right direction. This is hard, very hard but staying away from him is the best thing and it does get easier, your pain roll heal. There is happiness beyond your wildest dreams waiting for you if you want it, but you have to want it, do the work and get yourself in a good place .
Best,
Amanda Andruuzi
Hopestreetmemoir.con

Jennifer A
5:28 pm September 25th, 2014

Amanda,
Thank you so much for getting back to me. I am about half way through your memoir and your strength is amazing, I know that if I stayed with him my future would be a mirror of your past. Logically I know I need to let go but its taking an emotional toll on my that I never thought was possible. I am not an overly religious person but I have a strong faith in God and just keep praying that he give me the strength and patience to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mother said something to me the other day that has really resonated, I asked her why God would do this, she said “instead of asking God why he did this be grateful that he was there to save you early on before you got married and had children, instead of letting you be dragged down by the devil. You could have easily got sucked into a life of misery and manipulation” I’ve started therapy to try and find out why I feel the need to put myself on the back burner and care for someone instead of putting myself first. This site has been so resourceful and inspiring, I know the road ahead is long but I have to just trust that I will get to the light, eventually.

Amanda Andruzzi
11:51 am September 26th, 2014

Jennifer,
Your mother is right. You are gaining insight and soon you will gain perspective as you get the help you need. A therapist is an excellent start. I got married and had a child and it made everything harder. He is giving you the chance to be happy and find health for yourself and in a new relationship. Be grateful for that and know that this pain shall pass. You just need to keep him out of your life because he may reappear apologetic and with promises of sobriety.
My mother told me, at a point where I was sick inside and out from my situation. She said that the best revenge is happiness. I have lived by that advice and won’t let another day go by wasting one moment of my life. Once you truly understand what happiness is for you, you will never go back. Please keep me posted and I welcome feedback on my book so keep in touch. I hope it helps.
Best,
Amanda

Jamie
9:31 pm September 27th, 2014

Hi, I’m glad to see there is a blog where I can come to, to read about this kind of things. My situation is my boyfriend who is quite older then me has a really bad alcoholic problem and also pops pills. We have been together for almost 2 years, our relationship is great. He has never been mean, we get along great, my kids love him but alchohol takes over his life. He usues it to medicate his PTSD from the war, he can hardly keep a job. He has to live with his mom because I refer to pay for his way through life. I work very hard, take care of my kids, home, and everything else by myself. But, I get upset because when I need him he is never available because he’s drunk or has been drinking. I have a very hard time trying to let this all go because of how well we connect when he isn’t drinking. We’ve talked a million times about everything, he’s gone to a 24 day program through the VA and got on medication. But, then just right back to it all the second he’s stressed. I’m at a loss, I love him but my heart tells me to let this go because I deserve better but its so hard.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:59 am September 29th, 2014

Jamie,
When we love someone, we tend to look the other way on a lot of things. Although you have a connection and you say he has never been mean, what you describe does sound mean and selfish from an outside view. It is not fair to you for you to have to be the responsible one in the relationship and never have him there for you when you need him. It is not fair or good for you to be with someone who is drunk all the time and cannot keep a job. Being so responsible yourself, this is also not the example you want to set for your children. Someone with an addiction who is actively using cannot be a viable partner in life. So ask yourself if you deserve better, someone who will be a positive force in your life, a shoulder to lean on and emotionally stable.
It is amazing what we learn to accept when we love someone, however, you need to look at yourself here. What are you getting out of this? What does his drinking do to you? How does it affect you, your children? If you see he cannot stay sober, why do you stay? You need to understand what is unhealthy about this situation and what you can do to make it better. That may mean giving him one last chance to get clean and not backing down on what you need from him or most likely it might mean leaving.
I know firsthand the different personalities of a sober person and a person using. The sober person can be so amazing we try to accept, ignore or change the other person. However, the alcoholic and pill popper is a very real part of who this person is and that may never go away and you cannot him change. An addict will change when and only when they are ready and you will know when it is for real. Think about this. click on Amanda Andruzzi in this site to read my other articles on addiction and coaddiction that will be really helpfulp to you. Educate yoursel on addiction and relationships with addicts. ‘Zero tolerance for addiction’ and other articles here may really help you gain more insight. Please feel free to post here any time.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://Www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Jennifer A
2:21 am October 2nd, 2014

Amanda, I think I have finally reached my point of letting go. I went away this weekend and had time to really think. It was the first time in weeks I was able to think and get my thoughts together. I cried so much I could barely see straight, while doing so I broke down and sent him a message, literally begging to see him b/c I needed to physically say goodbye, he did not respond. I begged him and told him I was hurting. I immediately thought about the last email you sent your husband asking him why not once did he fight for his family and you being unable to make pancakes. I like you wanted answers, I’ve been unable to sleep in my own bed bc of the way he left the pillows would remind me of him. After a few hours of not getting a response it was as if a light went off, I have strangers in my life that are more concerned with my well being than the man that supposedly loves me. That is not love, if you can not even respond when that person is pleading with you on the verge of a breakdown and you don’t so much as just say no, I’m sorry, that is cruel selfish behavior. I feel like such a fool for falling so deeply in love with a person that could do this to me. In hindsight he has probably done me a favor but as of right now he mine as well be dead to me. The pain of my shattered heart is still real and apparent as ever but tonight I got the exact sign I needed to move forward and put him behind me forever. I pray that one day I meet someone that will offer the same real, committed and respectful love that I have to offer. Until then I will continue my path of self healing and awareness.
I have a copy of your book with me at all times, if there is a point I feel weak I will retread that last letter and move on. Thank you so much for sharing your story, reading it was my first step to moving on.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:42 am October 2nd, 2014

Jennifer,
I am so happy to hear that you have come to that first step, which is realizing that you cannot go back. That step took me 12 years and 1 child, so although you are in pain, give yourself some real credit. You were able to realize that and that is huge. I am glad my book is helpful for you. I know the pain you are going through and leaving, letting go, and moving on is the hardest thing to do. The pain is sometimes overwhelming and suffocating, I know. But later, when it lessens, you will see things differently. He cannot love you and he doesn’t know how. When you start to feel normal again and ready for a real relationship you will understand that the reason you even loved him so much was because you were not in a good place. My ex, 5 years later, has made no effort to contact me or see his child and I am grateful for that everyday. What addicts have to offer, you will soon want no part of because you will be living a healthy life. Addiction is toxic to everyone it affects and the more time you are around healthy people you will want less and less to do with your ex. Just be kind to yourself right now and find some support that really helps you work on you and get down to the bottom of things. The person in that book you have was at her worst and I am proof today that you can come out of that place. It is not forever, what you feel is temporary, remember that. Now is the time to get strong and do the work to help yourself.
Keep in touch.
Amanda

kaitlyn
8:52 pm October 9th, 2014

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years now, he is a recovering heroin addict and i myself used to smoke a lot of pot. We were basically addicts together except i have never done anything as hard as heroin. We are 20 years old. I know i love this guy very much, i have been going to meetings with him and putting him before myself so we can ensure he gets better. I have been sober 6 months and he has been sober 5. I know it will not be an issue for me to stay clean but i am afraid it could be with him. He just broke up with me saying that we need to focus on ourselves and that he is not ready for a romantic relationship.. i took a step back and realized my extreme codependancy for this man and how i had put myself on pause to be with him and agreed that we should fox ourselves. But now i find myself with all these questions, like is he going to come back to me when he loves himself again? Is our relationship just paused or are we done for good? I dont want to leave him but i am afraid that ill be waiting around for nothing. He has gotten rid of me on social networking and that has really upset me as well. It makes me feel like he is hiding something. I dont know what to do at this point. I know we need to love ourselves before being able to love each other but i am afraid i have lost him completely. He told me he was going to disappear from me for a while… i still have some of his stuff and want to return it to him. But i am unsure because he doesnt want me to speak to him and he says that if things are truly different this time like i had said they would be then he wants me to give him the time he needs. Part of me wants to just have his friend give him his stuff but the other part wants to hold on to it so he has a reason to see me one more time. I dont know what to do. I want answers but i dont want to jeopardize losing him completely, but theres a posibility i did lose him already. I have the chance to see hin oFriday becuse thats the one meeting we both always go to without fail. I am torn and do not know what to do.

kaitlyn
8:57 pm October 9th, 2014

I would also like to add that he has not deleted any of my family from social networking, just me. Sorry for any spelling errors…. sending this from a phone lol

Amanda
2:57 pm October 10th, 2014

Hi Kaitlyn,
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it is not easy for you right now but you may not like what I am going to say. Your ex boyfriend may or may not be using again, you may or may not get back together with him and you may or may not have lost him forever. But all of that do not matter, what does matter is you. You are not a co-addict or codependent just because you love someone, what makes you those things are when you put that person above yourself. It is evident that this may be the case.
When you are okay despite the condition, position, or state of your boyfriend then you will be in a good place. If you were both using substances in your relationship at any point then it may be very well that your connection may not be the most healthy. Your ex may not be contacting you because he is really doing so well or because he is not clean and does not want you to see but regardless of the reason, you need to worry about you and not him.
Whether or not he chooses to come back to you should not matter at this point. What you need to look at is if this is even a healthy situation for you. Perhaps the feelings you have for him are just something that are hard to let go of because of the nature of your relationship. When a relationship is formed by one or two unhealthy individuals, what we miss and long for is the instability of that relationship and the dramatic effect more than we do the actual person.
Is it healthy for you to long for someone who has written you off and will not contact you and may be doing using? In that question lies an answer that will hopefully help you understand that you still need to work on you. The term, if you love them, let them go, truly applies here. But when you let them go, you need to get healthy and move on with your life. A grieving process is inevitable, but do not let it cripple you, keep on moving forward.
You are sober and that is a huge accomplishment.
Everything I am telling you is from personal experience with both co-addiction and codependency. It took me 12 years and one child before I had the strength and courage to leave my addicted spouse and move on. My book, Hope Street, is a memoir of my frightening journey with addiction. It was not easy but the answer for me ended up being very simple. I had a choice, just like you do, and even though I had lost everything I owned, I chose to leave.
I was able to help myself get down to the bottom of why I was addicted to an unhealthy person and it opened up a new world for me. But the pain you are going through is documented in my book to help other people, like myself, truly feel understood. You are not alone, but only you can make the decision to let him go and move forward.
I would recommend packing his box and having your friend return it to your ex and finding a different meeting to go to on Fridays. Keep reading, click on my name in this blog, Amanda Andruzzi, and you will find a great deal of other articles I have written to help you in this exact situation. The best thing to do when you are unsure or scared of something is to educate yourself about it. There is always fear of the unknown but you need to keep getting stronger and conquer that fear. Learn more about why you are feeling the way you do. I hope my experience and expertise can help. Keep me posted Kaitlyn, I really value comments, posts, and feedback. I would love to hear your progress.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzzi, CHC, AADP
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Debbie
11:13 am October 15th, 2014

My drug addict is my 27 year old youngest daughter. She has two children 1 and 8, who are safe and not with her anymore. We have always been extremely close and I have never given up on her getting away from ice. I’ve made-myself miserable by never letting her out of my mind for one second. Making my self sick and depressed.
I let her go about half an hour ago by text. She said thanks and now she’s free…I then thought, ok now what do I do. What is letting her go? What does it do for her that has made her Free? And what the hell do I do now? Does it mean I haveto pretend she isn’t a part of me anymore, that she isn’t a a part of my life?

Amanda Andruzzi
4:06 pm October 17th, 2014

Debbie,
Losing a child to addiction is a very different situation than a spouse. You will never be able to let go to the same extent that you can someone who is not your child.
But much like every addictive relationship there comes a point where you see your efforts are not helping them. The only chance you have for her to get clean may be by letting her go. I am sure you have tried everything possible to help her and when nothing works, that is a good time to let go. You cannot save her even though denying a child help goes against the nature of motherhood, but sometimes our help may be enabling their addiction. She needs to hit a bottom that may never come if you are there to protect her.
You will never stop loving or living for your children but you have to start taking care of yourself. You deserve to have a life not filled with the daily horrors that addiction brings. You can love her but if you can let her go, physically, it may help you and her. My article, Zero Tolerance forAddiction: Help for Families, may be useful for you. I can not take away the pain or the worry but I can tell you that you should not have guilt. She will always be a part of your life but she cannot be in your life while she is using. She is free from having to pretend and lie to you, that is all you freed her from. But you may have given her the chance now to be alone with her addiction and hit bottom. Take care of yourself, love her from a distance. I am here so please post any time you need to talk. Al-anon may be helpful for you or any support group with parents of addicted children. You need a lot of support right now and it will help you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Miss the hugs and kisses
6:29 am October 26th, 2014

My alcoholic husband left me a month ago. I am financially independent and have a comfortable life with great friends. I do well but then I find myself needing to cry for a bit on a weekend night when kids are asleep. I miss my husband … The one before the alcoholism took over. I miss being hugged and kissed…intimacy. This isn’t codependency this is a human need that is normally met in marriage and is now a void in mine. Any advice for this ? And chocolate and physical exercise won’t make the grade!lol!

Amanda Andruzzi
4:39 pm October 27th, 2014

Miss the Hugs and Kisses,
Losing a loved one, especially ending a marriage, regardless of addiction is a painful process for anyone. The addiction sometimes only makes it harder because we know that without it, we still love the person before the addiction started. It is hard to let go of someone we know is only behaving the way they are because of an addiction or a disease. We hold on to the hope that if they get better we can have the old relationship back. However, if you see the addiction is taking over and you are separated, then just like any divorce, you have to let go over time.
There is no amount of chocolate or exercise that will compare to human touch and love, agreed!
Moving on with your life and getting healthy enough to find a new relationship will. Unfortunately this does not happen overnight, so that is why the energy boost and endorphins from exercise and indulging in things like chocolate help in the interim.
It took me 12 years to leave my addicted spouse. I missed all of the good things about our relationship but I did not miss the lies, the deceit, the fear, pain, and everything that went along with his addiction. I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, about my experience with letting go of my husband and the father of my first child. It was not easy, but over time, it was the best life decision I ever made. I was not only lonely but felt extreme rejection and sadness.
Then I made the choice to get on with my life with my daughter and without him. I am now getting my hugs and kisses from my new husband and my 3 beautiful children.
Once you realize that you need to move on with your life, you will realize that you can have something a lot better with someone else!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

kelly
7:23 pm November 5th, 2014

Hi im 37 yrs old i have been with my heroin addict boyfriend for 19 yrs when i first met him i never new he had a drug problem intill one day i checked his pockets and found a needle i love him and so i stood by him he went 2 rehab but that never really worked so since then hes been on and off it he dont enject anymore just smokes it he has done crack in the past but i dont no if he is still doin that now but in the last couple of weeks he has gone from bad 2 really worse he stole money from my purse he pawned my laptop and the other day he pawned my 50inch tv so i had 2 call the police so when they find him they wil arrest him he has never been this bad b 4 i just dont understand how someone u love can change so quick hes not the person he used 2 b so lovely and carin but now hes dissapeard at a drug friends house he dont text or ring 2 let me no he is safe im just so stressed out how can he just throw away 19yrs of bein 2gether its like he just dont care about me anymore.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:46 pm November 6th, 2014

Kelly,
As long as you realize this has nothing to do with you and you cannot change your boyfriend, you will be in a better place. The more you help support his habit, maybe not with money, but with support and by staying with him, the harder it will be for you to be happy and for him to hit bottom. Hitting bottom is something that happens to an addict when they have an addiction and nowhere or no one to turn to and they realize that their habit and way of life is not sustainable.
You did the right thing by calling the police but you may want to be prepared that his descent may not be over, even if he gets arrested. Even when an addict gets help on their own, there is an 80% chance they will relapse. An addict has to make a complete life commitment to change and it sounds like he has done nothing but go back and forth between sobriety and using. It is more likely that he has never stopped using and the times you thought he was sober, he was using another crutch or substance. Remember, addicts lie and I learned that I was told 12 years of lies and even the brief times I thought things were good with my husband were because he was getting better at hiding his addiction at that point.
I know how hard this is for you, I do, but I would not be helping you if I told you that things can get better and you should wait for him to recover. The truth is, you spent 19 years worried about him, focusing on hi, and now it is time to let him go and focus on you. You cannot get help for him, you must see how that has never worked, so maybe you can get help for yourself. Until I found support groups, a therapist and read a ton about co-addiction, I was not able to realize that my husband’s addiction was not just paralyzing him but me as well. Imagine a life without addiction in it, without fear, anger, worry…and then do whatever it takes to leave him and obtain that for you! Read the book I wrote, read books about addiction, read all of my articles here and arm yourself with the knowledge you will need to move on from this chapter of your life and start a new one. You will need to find out what is going on with you that you would allow this type of person into your life and fix it. You have to get to the root of your part in this relationship and why it worked for you. You cannot save him, but the good news is, you can save yourself!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Genie
9:18 am November 10th, 2014

I married my husband in 2008 I noticed a small drinking problem before but didn’t think it was that bad. Over the years it got worse and he went from loving to deceitful and hurtful with his words and once physical he went to jail that night at 4 am him drinking alone he blew a .25 he was hammered. I left him a little over a year ago it was the hardest thing I ever did. He said he wanted to make it all right but his actions was different. I ment a man over time and he treats me like a queen how ever over the last three months I think of my husband who I never finalized the marriage all the time. When I see him I smile and light up. He was been taking aa classes and counseling and all that but only cause it is court ordered. He tells me he wants our marriage back and our family he reminds me of all the things he has been doing and has been sending me positive messages. We even did some counseling and one moment I think I can go back I have extreme anxiety and back out of it. The guy I am with now is very patient through all this I knwo I wouldn’t. Why am I still thinking of him. Why do I have hope and dought when it comes time to commenting to him again. When i try to explain to him I am scared and confused he gets very upset. I know I am hurting is all but how do I love both these men and one who did me so bad over one who treats me like a queen. I grew up with a alcoholic and she was the devil. I swore I would never face that again and here I am today miserable cause I can’t get over him. I think I was fine till I seen him treat his ex girlfriend better then he did me and now he is trying hard to have me come home but I am terrified of a relapse that I was told he will always have a chance of.

Mary
3:05 pm November 11th, 2014

I started seeing a man 7 months ago. I let him move in 5 months ago. Something told me things were wrong from the beginning, but I was so lonely that I continued to let it happen. One month ago he started smoking crack. It all came to a head when a week ago, he brought it to my house and smoked it while I was asleep. I made him leave my home, I am a Christian woman and now I am struggling with, If I did the right thing? what if I could have helped? blah, blah, blah. I am getting some help for my fear of being alone. Can you help me in thinking straight. I am 54 years old and he is 52

anna
9:47 am November 16th, 2014

I’m so scared of leaving my alcholic fiance.he tells me all the time that I won’t find anyone that will love and take care of me like he does. He drinks from the time he gets up to time for bed even at work and worse of all while driving I recently had a nervous breakdown and was put in a mental hospital for a week. I thought that event would have opened his eyes but all he does now is try and hide it from me. How do I get the guts to leave. I love him and don’t want anything to happen to him but he says he don’t need help.please give advice

Amanda Andruzzi
3:08 pm November 17th, 2014

Anna,
Yoi have every right to be scared, but be scared of staying, not leaving. Of course you can find another man to love you even more because he will be present for you. Those are things addicts say to keep you. You must know that you are not alone and this cycle happens all the time; promises, lies, chaos, brief periods of calm and then right back to chaos. He drinks all day so you have to understand the person you think he is or was is not there anymore, only the addict.
I usually recommend reading my articles here on this site to help you get help for yourself because if you stay this is more about your insecurities and codependence but I really need you to read my book, Hope Street and get a real picture of what the rest of your life might be like if you don’t leave.
Hope Street is my memoir of my life with my addicted husband. I wrote it to help people like you who were just like me because I had no one to relate to when I was going through the same thing.
Amanda Andruzzi, CHC AADP IAHC
http://Www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Marie
2:44 pm November 24th, 2014

I stumbled across this blog while searching for something, anything to give me guidance. I don’t consider my fiancee an addict–but I think he is teetering on the fence of alcoholism. We have been together for 5 1/2 years, through good and bad. Over the past 2 years, I feel as though our relationship has slowly been on a downward spiral. We used to have a few drinks together, but when I saw him drinking more and more (and encouraging me to do the same)–I stopped completely and brought it to his attention. He slowed down some and it seemed as though our relationship improved. Then he began smoking cigarettes–I told him that I wouldn’t be around him while he was doing it–it took almost 8 months, but he stopped. Over the past few years, there have been times when we have argued and he has said very hurtful things–and then wake up the next morning and not remember anything. A few months ago after a health scare and being given anxiety pills, I came very close to leaving him because, even though he wasn’t abusing them, he was spending most of his time walking around like a zombie. I told him that because I loved him, I was going to give him a chance to fix the problem rather than just leave him. Things have been going better until this weekend, when he got a DUI.

My boyfriend is a kind, gentle and loving man. He treats me like a queen and he is faithful like no other. I love him, but I am afraid that this is going to be a cycle that just repeats itself. After this most recent event, he says he realizes that he made a mistake. I want to give him another chance to change, but I feel like no matter how he changes, there is always going to be something. I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with–we’ve been planning a wedding, making plans for the rest of our life–but am I always going to have to worry like this? At the same time though, how do I tell the man who loves me and tells me that I am his world that I am going to leave him?

I have read many of your posts and I should say one last thing–I am the child of divorced parents. My father is a long time substance abuser and although I love him, I long ago learned that he is going to do what he wants to do–good or bad. In regards to my boyfriend, I always said that I would not date a man who (a) smoked and (b) had substance abuse issues–drugs, alcohol, whatever. BUT, even though my relationship with my boyfriend didn’t start this way, it has surely ended up being the type of relationship I said that I would never be in.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:20 pm November 24th, 2014

Marie,
What does your gut tell you? I ignored mine and ended up in a 12 year relationship my my husband. It was 12 years of the same and I was left with incredible debt, pain and nothing to show for but one amazing child.
My memoir, Hope Street, is a book about my life with an addict. Maybe this can help you.
I had no idea about addiction but you have seen it firsthand with your father.
If you think he has a problem and you think you should leave you should listen to that voice. Click on Amanda Andruzzi and read all of the articles to help give you more guidance on how to make an informed decision.
But yes, you will always have to worry because life with addiction is not predictable. I am not saying it cannot work but there are no guarantees he will get help or even if he does that he will stay sober. If this life he is offering is not one you want to lead then you can get out now and avoid what I did not.
your life is not over after this, you can move on wiser and happier but that is a decision that you have to make. Please keep posting, let me know how you are doing. Please keep reading, I wrote Hope Street so that I could help other woman and men that love an addict because I felt so alone and frightened.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
www hopestreetmemoir.com.

Nicci
7:27 am December 10th, 2014

Hi, I’m a 39 year old mother of 3 boys, ages 22,12, and 6. All from my long time Meth abuser husband, not to mention my mom has been a user since I was 5 and she’s 60 years old and a full blown addict in the Meth scene. My husband is a hard working Meth addict that makes good money and I stay at home but, its been nothing but chaos and he has the typical selfish and violent behavior when i complain that he is non existant and ignores us, its a constant cycle of of me nagging and crying and him reacting the same way every time. I realize I am the perfect example of a co-dependant enabler and I have let myself be isolated with my Inlaws who are all Co dependant enablers. Ive been wanting to go to a meeting for a year now because I know I need recovery from all this craziness, I’m so tired and depressed and I think I’m scared of loosing my love for him, He’s the only stability I’ve ever had which is crazy for me to think that my life is stable in any way shape or form. I need help just to get myself mentally prepared to go. I know what I have to do but I’m terrified, I’ve lived in chaos my whole life and I don’t enjoy it but I’m obviously staying in it. I need motivation, I’m ready for change. My boys need a calm loving mom who is able to focus on them fully. I love them so much

Amanda Andruzzi
2:17 pm December 12th, 2014

Nicci,

Your mother was addicted almost your entire life. Your husband and his behavior is familiar to you in more ways than you realize and what you know is comfortable. It is all you know so it is no surprise that you loved or love this man. I chose an addict because the chaos, instability and addiction were desirable to me at first because I wanted to fix him. He represented to me a childhood that was broken and I thought I could fix through him.
I was married to a con artist (unknowingly) and addict whose addiction worsened over the 12 years we were together. He ended up a crack adddict and left me and our only child with nothing. But that nothing was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feared losing him and a child for my daughter but in that nothing I rebuilt a life for myself, I life I feared I could never manage on my own. Enlist the support of friends, family, support groups or anyone you can to help give you the strength you need. It is obvious to me that you are sick of all of this. You will be calmer, happier and a better mother without a meth addict in your home.
Please read my other articles to gain more insight and help on how to move on. My article, Zero Tolerance for Addiction, is a great way to get started.
I was there, I was you and it was not until I helped myself was I able to end the cycle of co-addiction. I wrote my book, Hope Street, to help people like you in the same situation I was in. I felt alone, hopeless and scared and I wanted to help others have something to give them hope.
Nicci, you are on the right track. You want more for your life and for your children. You need to and will change your definition of stable over time, not overnight. It took me 12 years but I could not live with the addiction anymore but for a long time I thought I could not live without him. I was wrong, very wrong. Once I left, penniless, a world opened up to me that made me the happiest I had ever been. Once the fear of leaving is gone or even if it remains, you can leave any way.
If you need my help I am here to support you .
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

monica
2:08 am December 15th, 2014

My husband is 27 years old. When we married I have 2 kids from previous marriage and he had one year clean. He seemed to want good things for us and i supported his dreams. His heroin addict mom moved into town and reintroduced him to meth. I found out 10 months in. I gave him a chance to clean up with my support. He cried in desperation asking me to relocate us far away from his mother but I could not afford to. He tried methadone and seemed well but two months in I found needles in my home. He said they were his mothers and I believed him because she stayed a weekend with us. Now, another 6 months have past and I see meth in his eyes. I searched the home and found his drugs and needles. He is a functional addict. He cleans and helps with all the chores but the fact that he was using in the home where my kids live was too much. I kicked him out. His mother and father who keep him on drugs. Well They told him he could not stay with them…not even one night. Now, he is homeless. He says he needs my help. He says he does not want to be a drug addict. He says he cant kick this addiction. I contacted a rehab but there is a two month waiting list. Should I allow him to stay for two months?

Amanda Andruzzi
7:48 pm December 16th, 2014

Monica,
I would love to give you the answer to your question but it is not that simple. If this was happening to a friend what would you tell them to do? Unfortunately no matter what anyone tells you, you will probably end up doing what you feel anyway. You have to be ready to let him go and only you know when you are ready for that.
But your boyfriend was clean and he made a choice to use again. You cannot blame this on anyone else but him. No one forced him to use drugs so this is not your fault, or his mother’s. He was clean and used again and no one forced this on him. Temptation and enabling are part of recovery and an addict that is clean and really wants to stay clean and is ready will have to deal with that. An addict will make excuses and try to blame everyone else but himself for his addiction and as co-addicts we try to sympathize and feel bad for them and their weakness.

What we do know is that he chose to use drugs again, in your home, with your children at home. You helped him all this time and he has lied to you and used drugs behind your back. Do you want to continue to enable this behavior and expose your children to meth, heroin and needles for two more months or two more minutes?

I lived with an addict for 12 years and forgave him too many times but when our daughter turned 5 and I realized she could understand what was going on I had no choice but to leave even if he was her father. I want to tell you to move on but you have to be ready. If I were you, I would read all of the articles I have written here to gain more insight on your situation. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and all articles on this subject will pop up. You can read my book, Hope Street. I wrote about my experience with an addict and I wrote it to help people in your situation because I was there. I felt alone, scared and did not know what to do. People told me every day to leave and I did not, I had to leave when I was ready or it would not last.
But if I had a choice and could go back I can tell you if I could do it all over again, I WOULDN’T!

Monica, I would get some support and listen to your gut. Ask yourself what is best for you and your children (even if it hurts). Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

noemi
10:06 pm December 17th, 2014

I just kicked my crack addicted bf out,now he’s homeless,hungry so he texts.But I could no longer tolerate his verbal,physical n mental abuse n all the money spend on crack,but mostly BC of my lil girl she hearing him abuse me.It does hurt me to know he’s out living on the streets n hungry but my sanity comes first plus that’s his choice to use drugs..I’ve tried getting him help before but he says he don’t need it.Still I feel bad. Did I do the right thing?

Amanda Andruzzi
4:18 pm December 23rd, 2014

Noemi,
You did exactly the right thing! You saved yourself and your daughter from addiction and abuse. It is hard because addicts can manipulate and pull in your heartstrings and it is a sad situation. But this is not your fault nor your problem. He finds money to use so he can be resourceful if he really wants something right? You have tried to help so he has had many chances I am sure. You can let him know if he needs help to get clean you can assist him into rehab but nothing else. He has a choice, he can get clean and then start his life over but it has to be his choice.
I understand your pain, fear and worry but you have a child to protect and having her be exposed to crack addiction is wrong.
Please get some support for yourself and try to focus on you and your daughter now. If he is ever going to clean up it will not be something you can do anyway. Please find a local support group, Al-anon, read more of my articles here or my book and try and understand what you can do to heal and move on.
Amanda Andruzzi,
Hope Street Memoir

Angela
3:43 am December 27th, 2014

I am the wife of a drug addict. Im tired and cant deal with him anymore. He’s paranoid and abusive at times. I live in a state where I have no family. Im all alone

Amanda Andruzzi
1:48 pm December 29th, 2014

Angela,
Take some time to figure out what you really want and what is realistic for your situation and then take the steps to do that. If you are leaving, move to the state where your family is, or if for some reason you cannot, then start making an exit plan today. Keep reading my articles here to find some really helpful information on how to start that process financially, physically and emotionally. Thank you for sharing.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

noemi
6:30 pm December 29th, 2014

Thank you Amanda for responding.Honestly it hasn’t been easy but all your articles n other peoples stories have help.And I know I did n doing the right thing for myself n daughter,n soon my heartache will lesson,but more important there’s again peace in my home n don’t have to worry him coming home at 3 in the morning waking me up with verbal words n sometimes physically.All that is what’s keeping me strong n keeping him away.Also praying alot,once again thank you Amanda .

Amanda Andruzzi
5:29 pm December 30th, 2014

Noemi,
I am here to help anytime so feel free to keep reading and posting. It will get so much easier. Time heals all wounds. When you look back and you are in a healthier situation, maybe even in a healthier relationship, you will thank God you never have to go back to that place.
Taking a positive experience from a negative one; you will learn to appreciate the good things and people in your life more and open up to positive people and experiences. You will know exactly what I mean soon enough!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author

Ash
2:48 am January 1st, 2015

My husband is an meth addict he has been gone for over 2 months from our family home. He swears he is now clean and has been turning up to the house begging to see me and the kids. I want him here but I don’t want him here at the same time! I don’t no what to do he has lied to me for 7 years I don’t no if I can ever bounce back from this. He may be clean now but I will continue to ask myself is he actually clean or just lying again? He has no one no support no family no friends I am all he has and I worry this is why I still hold onto him so much and let him hold onto me because he has no one else!
I just want to be happy I just want a happy stable life for my children and I no fighting no disappearing husband for a few days every few weeks no answering of phone calls no returning of text messages I don’t want to live like this anymore but I can’t help but feel drawn to him again the more he tells me he loves me and needs me and can’t live without me :( I am so confused

Confused
11:42 pm January 2nd, 2015

I am so glad i ran accross this site. I feel sometimes like its me. Its good to know i am not the crazy one that my alcoholic ex bf made me out to be. We were together for only 2 years and yet i am having a hard time with the break up. My brain tells me it wasnt healthy…same as all your stories (non stop lying, always trying to connect the dots for stories to see if they are truth, constant flirting with other girls, telling me i was insecure). We have talked.since the breakup, which he wanted, and it seems to make it worse for me emotionally. He twisted everything back on me! They should all be labed with a warning! I just want him out of my head and the pain to go away!!

the boyfriend of
11:20 am January 10th, 2015

Dear Amanda,

Enjoying your article late night. I just wanted to share my plight as a boyfriend, middle age of an addict women, (both early 50′s), who i knew from childhood and we started an affair 2 yrs ago.
I grew up, and recreational drug use, marijuana and etc…I didnt know her that well, but there were those who got into heroin (like this girl), and they kind of vanished from the neighborhood. 30 yrs later thru a social network we connect, and she’s living out of town and pops up at my house un-expected, but quite articulate, and un-intoxicated to my eye anyway and lookign great.
We connected on all levels, she told me “shes not an addict anymore”….I didnt really know what it meant. I had no idea what “not being an addict meant”..
So it was around 2 months of incredible fun, followed by her journey to her state where she lives, and a detour to her relative in the south AFFAIR #1….I started to meltdown this incredible person who “isn’t an addict anymore”, just a casual drinker and usally “doctor prescribed” zanax, had betrayed me out of the blue.
Long story short, she gets back to her home, calls we make up, i spend the next 6 months, OUT OF MY LIFE, in her city, hanging around, for the most part having fun, but the honeymoon starts to fade, as it appears the roomate she has is actually her legal husband…
And it went on from there, to hell and back. I want to share with the people in boyfriend/girlfriend of addicts the fact that FOR ME, the 12-step rooms were tough (ALANON and etc). FOR ME, alot of people married to, or parents of addicts, had no clue, that i was in the same predictament as they were, even though i did not live with and was not married to this girl.
Very tough going, and in the rooms, most of the men were indeed alcoholics or addicts entering alanon because of (their parents, wives or whatever), so I had really really bad advice, from controlling manipulating male acloholics in alanon, and i was floundering to find a good therapist which i finally did in jan 2014.
When you’re in a relationship with an addict, who’s constantly taking your inventory, the last thing you need is a BAD support person “taking your inventory”. SUPPORT IS SUPPORT, not telling me what to do.
Your list above #1 is SUPPORT PEOPLE.
I had none. I had neighborhood male friends who knew her, from childhood too, and jumped right in the middle, and I had bad support in alanon, where the word “addict” can’t be mentioned in the town i live in, only alcoholism is discussed in alanon.
So from Sept 2012, thru Dec 2013, I got no education. I had no idea what i was up against. NARANON, in Dec opened my eyes. Their literature is a totally different animal than alanon.
I/MYSELF, needed to understand the disease. THAT was my fix. Then a concentrated effort with a therapist, jan 13 to present, daily, convinced me, WHAT ADDICTION WAS, and this lovely girl i thought was lovely was basically an un-recovered addict.
Lessons for me
1- there’s no such thing as “i used to be an addict”. They must stay in recovery for life, anything less than that is false information.
2- Therapy is not the treatment for addiction. (along the way i found her a therapist—waste of time unless its in conjunction with full time attendence of NA).
3- I was probably SLOW to recognize how bad she was because i did not live with her.
4- Her disease is more cunning than almost any other mental illness on the planet. Addicts are probably the best liars on the planet. Im NOT bad or stupid because i belived her.
5- I had to remove at least 3 unhealty lifelong male friends, who were part of the problem, not part of the solution.
6- addicts will say and do anything to keep you engaged, hooked in. The same effort they use to aquire illegal drugs.
7- Clean and sober means CLEAN AND SOBER, NO DRINKING, NO ZANAX, NO PSYCH MEDS, it means FIXING THE ATTITUDE IN NA. Its a disease of the “Attitude” not of the substance, and quite common for them to switch from opiates to drinking to benzos, anything to get a buzz.
8- Major cities have better meetings. i live in suburbia. Going to a major city near me, where dating people are affected by addicts, helped me tremendously. Narnon,is great for me, CODA is great too. hearing opposite sex people share the same pain i went thru helped me alot.
9- These facts im stating will never ever ever make sense to an “active addict” or a “recovering addict”. I can not seek support in any room from recovering addicts. It didnt work for me well, and still doesnt. Their program of AA or NA is completely different than mine, even if they’re coming to the emotional support meetings.

10 Im done beating myself up and moving to freedom. Oh also, No contact DID NOT WORK FOR ME. ITS NOT THE END-ALL solution, like some will suggest out in the rooms. Easiers said than done, and FOR ME not necessary. Boundaries was the key.
11- Fear of abandonement? in the case of dating, they don’t dissapear. but by working on myself educating myself in the disease of addiciton, I was able to get clarity and set boundaries.
Its quite common for them to pop up, keep calling and texting, by me getting stronger, it matters way less.
This is only what i’ve learned and what has indeed worked for me.
Hope this wasn’t too long, thanks for this wonderful site, hope to read your book soon,

The boyfriend of an addict.

Dee
1:58 am January 11th, 2015

I was with my ex fiancé for 19 months. He was an alcoholic. He could stick to just having a couple of drinks in the evening, a few more on Friday nights, which I never objected to, for a few weeks, maybe a month or so but then the need to get blind for days would take over and he would make some excuse, or cause an argument to get away and I wouldn’t see him for days. He wouldn’t answer his phone or call me to say where he was or what he was doing, then stagger in at the end of it and expect me to carry on like normal. Then he used to get angry with me because i didnt trust him. How can you trust someone like that??? He actually did this to me nine times in the 19 months we were together. The last time was just three weeks before our wedding was due to take place. I had had enough of sitting crying worrying about him, so I decided to go out myself. He found our about this and obviously didn’t like it, text me and told me it was over, a decision I had already made anyway. I’m 51 years old, have been married once, have 3 grown children and knew I couldn’t marry this man, even though I love him with all my heart. I organized for him to come and collect his things when I wasnt here and that was that. That was over 2 months ago and I’m still really struggling with the break up and I still love him with all my heart. It’s been made worse by the fact that he hasn’t even bothered to talk to me face to face or even phone me sober. All I’ve gotten are drunken abusive texts and a couple of drunk phone calls when his dog that I still had got sick. I just feel so used and hurt, it was as though I meant nothing to him, I struggled through all those hurtful times, put up with the mood swings, the lies and the disrespect for what?? Obviously he doesn’t care, he went off and buried his head in the booze bottle, left everything to me, canceling things for the wedding, which was very hurtful and embarrassing, no offer of help, no financial help with things and not even have the decency to face me to apologize or take responsibility etc. I’ve read enough to know that alcoholics live in a totally different world, but it still hurts like hell and I’m having difficulty moving forward. I have good days, then other days I just feel like crying all day. I know I could never be with him again, it’s too difficult and I felt like I was losing myself in his issues. Plus I don’t deserve the disrespect. I always did the right thing by him, looked after him and basically put him before myself. It just hurts that I didn’t mean enough to him to even come and talk to me in person, or even call me, just all done via text messages. Can u please give me some suggestions how I can get closure within myself and start to move forward? I have my children, grandchildren and some great friends, but it’s just so difficult because I still love him so much, I feel that he is my soul mate because when things were good they were really good, he could be so kind, caring and generous and we had lots of fun together. Any advice would be most appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:04 pm January 12th, 2015

Confused,
Do not be so confused. That is the “magic” of addiction. Just when you think you are doing the right thing, the addict will swoop down and make you feel unjustified, confused and crazy. I can promise you, if you are the sober party in this situation, it is not you, your gut is always right and the more he is out of your life, the less confused you will be. You did the right thing and chances are your problems with him did not stem from you, especially not entirely. The one thing a co-addict has to do is end the cycle and it sounds like you did that so keep moving forward and don’t let him back into your life because that will just help you keep re-opening old wounds.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
Hope Street Memoir

Amanda Andruzzi
3:19 pm January 12th, 2015

the boyfriend of,
It sounds like you have learned a lot and come a long way. I rarely hear the male perspective on co-addiction so I really appreciate your comments here. Each co-addict will have their own journey and learn what works for them. If you click on Amanda Andruzzi http://addictionblog.org/author/amanda/, you will find all of my articles on this blog. Usually people are attracted to this article because of the title but the others are extremely helpful and talk a lot about finding ways to recover that do not involve al-anon. Al-anon did not work for me but I took what I needed from it and used a multifaceted approach. I found friends, support people, a local support group, utilized family and most importantly got a new life and moved on. What works for you and for the next person may be extremely different but whatever it takes is what we all must do.
Addiction is sinister, it is sneaky, it is filled with lies and broken promises and that is why addicts have the ability to prey on those of us who love them because we have a weakness. I do not want to make the whole thing sound so primal but to some degree it is. An addict has a problem that allows them to not care about others and only care about getting high. They can and will do whatever they need to and that includes manipulation.
That is why my blog focuses on you, on me and people who are dealing with an addict. We need to get strong and worry about what another person’s problem is doing to our lives.
Once we realize what is really going on (sometimes takes a long time and is easier said than done), we have to understand our part in it. We have to take responsibility for our own actions and how we contribute to the cycle of our addictive relationship.
We all have the power, someone within, to end the cycle, but it takes a lot of courage, education and support to do that. That is why I am here, wrote my book, Hope Street, and continue to advocate for the co-addict.
I like what you are doing and I am excited that you did not stop when you felt like you were getting “bad” help. You persevered, and kept looking for the answers to your questions.
I am hopeful everyday that people find my blog because I know it means they are starting to search for answers and looking for help.
Thank you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

The boyfriend of
8:59 pm January 13th, 2015

Hi Amanda,

thanks for your response, very well put, and that was a large part of my issues working the programs, even though its stated “every situation is unique”,,,,men i was meeting seemed to feel their opinion on what i should do, even if they were not in the same situation or never had been, was “what i should do”.
I think thru the therapist and naranon, i got more targeted at my issue. Im not a fan of the phrase co-addict (in my case), I had an over-burdening sense of responsibility to another person, an addict, who possesses no responsibility whatsoever to me, and for me this is the fundamental link of codependency and naranon touches on this alot. Thru daily analysis with my therapist and working an abundance of meeitngs nightly, I even had people in SLAA tell me i was “addicted to addicts”, and to this girl, to which my therapist responded “if you were addicted to addicts every single person in your life would have to be an addict” , and my therapist knows who else is in my life and that I’ve held a responsible job for 30 yrs. He feels the primary indicator of an addict is “absolute lack or responsibility towards others”. My girlfriend acted like she gave a hoot, but her actions did not match her words.
Another expression I like is “actions” not words matter. Examples would be her saying she wants to be with me, but any time an opportunity was present she would flirt, or get a number or be with another man, actions can include them seeking recovery for their problem, which I belive their disease tells them not to,
So i would get lured into these conversations addressing her rationalizing, justifying her behaviors, or minimizing its affect on me for example “oh he means nothing, he likes me thats all”, or “its nothing like you and me have”,,or the classic gaslighting “you’re imagining things, its not what you think”.
Gaslighting for me, was a powerful phrase, I learned along the way. Yes even my therapist said mostly he does hear my plight from women. I dont know why, maybe its a macho thing, but there is emotionally abused men out there…however i have found some decent sensitive heterosexual men in Coda who identify with my experiences.
As each situation is unique, i like all the programs, and it depends the city, and if I get burned out on one meeting or the vibe/people change, i gotta find a different one. My issue of co-dependency, my journey is quite different than a recovering alcoholic. IN my opinion, they struggle to learn responsibility, in recovery, which is 180 degress opposite my issue of over-responisibility and accountability, so I wish them well, just I have to keep boundaries in place, if I talk too long to a recovery AA/NA person, because it is a completely different program, and even i meet them in Alanon, coda, naranon or SLAA, I get brain twisted, their primary recovery is AA/NA, and their approach to these emotional programs will be different than what “I NEED”. I’ve only met a few recovering AA/NA’s who have the perspective that my situation might indeed be totally different than theirs and my solution might be totally different.

Thanks again for the great site and for the additonal link above. I’ve been looking for sites like this for a long time, glad to find yours.

The boyfriend of.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:44 pm January 14th, 2015

The boyfriend of,

As in any situation, when we want advice, we look to find people with a similar experience and understanding. We are all alone in our specific situation and needs but we all have parts that are the same, that we can share. The important part is to take what we need, give back some and then work on our issues so we can be who we want to be and live life accordingly.
We can coin the term anyway we want, codependent, co-addict, addicted to an addict, the inherent truth is that we need something and we keep looking for it with a person who cannot help us get it and in the end no one can. What we learn is we have to give it to ourselves, be whole on our own and on our own terms. Glad you found us here too!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hope Street

Alondra
9:09 pm January 15th, 2015

hi i am 19 year old female who is struggling with a serious addiction relationship me and my boyfriend consume drugs and I am not happy in the relationship nomore i want to finish before things can go worst for me but i have no idea how to let go it seems like everytime im about to accomplish it he comes back idont know what to do or how im feeling nomore .. pls help pls

Amanda Andruzzi
4:57 pm January 16th, 2015

Alondra,
You are in the right place and it is good that you are seeking help. It sounds like you are also using drugs, correct me if I am wrong “me and my boyfriend consume drugs.” Your recovery might involve more than just leaving your boyfriend if that is the case.
They key here is to get help. Do not be afraid to ask for help, you will be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork to help you. You will probably find that people were waiting for you to say things needed to change.
You need a detox or recovery program for yourself and then you can deal with the codependent drug induced relationship after. Please find your local resources or go straight to any local hospital and ask for support. I do not know the specifics of your situation but telling your parent/s might also be the first step. It is likely, they can find you treatment.
The next step is cutting off all communication with your boyfriend so that you can start to think clearly and focus the attention off of your relationship and onto you, where it is needed.
Al-anon, Nar-anon may be a first step at getting help if you feel you do not have support to get out of the relationship or get clean yourself.
You are young and it is likely that these mistakes will continue until you wake up one day and wonder what happened to your life, so please get help to break this cycle now. It makes me really happy that you are looking for answers because it means you recognize something is wrong and that is the best way to start.
Do not be afraid to leave your boyfriend and go for help, and even if you are afraid, do it anyway!
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
Hope Street memoir

erica
9:54 am January 22nd, 2015

I am currently living with my boyfriend who is a addict to meth we have been together 5 years and have 2daughters together age 1and 3 i cant handle it anymore everyone has tryed to help him but he wants no help he is type 1diabetic and doesn’t take care of himself he locks himself in a room for like 2 days doesnt come out and neglects me and our children he does work but alot of times doesnt call or show up. I am a stay at home mom i dont have a car or job i want to leave him im afraid to he scares me and i know if i tale our kids away he will threating me i want to leave to a shelter with them but so afraid that when i go for custody he would win because i have no job and no place i cant loose my children thete my world amd i dont want them living with a drug addict either i need help what can i do please help me

Amanda Andruzzi
1:25 pm January 23rd, 2015

Erica,
Breathe. You are in a situation where I myself have been. It is scary and no one who has not been through it will truly understand. I had the same fears. Just know that they will not take your children away from you. You are the sober parent and they do not allow children to stay with a drug addict even if he has a job. Courts do hair tests that go back for a year, so if it ever came to that, you do not have to worry. Chances are, when you leave he won’t even follow through with a custody battle because his addiction will take over.
Fear of leaving is nothing compared to the fear and pain you live with everyday. Now is the time for you to get strong. You need to start caring for yourself and let him go. You are not responsible for your husband’s addiction but you are responsible for your health and the health of your children.
Take some time to get your things in order, find support from friends and family that can help you. Start looking for work and a place or people that can help you with your children. You need to have a plan. In my book Hope Street, I was a stay at home mom but I was forced to leave because my drug addicted husband lost everything. I had nothing but debt and a five year old. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but the best thing I have ever done. There is life after addiction. I am living proof. Please keep reading the articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will come up. Educate yourself and things won’t feel so hopeless. If you know there is a way out, even if it takes a year, you will start to get your life back.
I recommend pooling your resources, figuring out what you can do on your own, what people that love you can do to help, go to family court and see what your options are and start planning your exit.
Hope Street is my story and how I did it, how I survived is all there. I wrote it to help other people facing the addiction of a loved one. Keep posting, I welcome feedback and am here to help.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author Hope Street memoir

Lynn
10:02 pm January 24th, 2015

Hi, I have been with this person for over 10 years. He’s a wonderful person. I just found out that he’s been using cocaine for over a year. It breaks my heart. He’s tried quitting on his own, but has been unsuccessful. I have broken it up so many times but always ended up going back. I really want to help and pray everyday that he could go back to the way he was.. I’m so sad and depressed over this. We fight all the time. I really want to break free of this, because deep down, I know he will never stop.!!! Please help!!!!

Codependent Wife
7:35 am January 25th, 2015

I have been with my heroin addict husband for 18 years. It hasn’t always been a life like this. He was clean when we met but the ugly dragon has been around, off.and.on, for the past 9 years. We have a beautiful 16 year old daughter – great kid. We own a beautiful home. We both have great jobs, BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! It’s NOT OK! How did my life get to this point? HOW do I LET GO?!!!??? The sad part is that my husband is a kind soul with a BAD PROBLEM. Oh, he has tried to quit more times than I can count. He can “do it alone” – YEAH RIGHT! I want desperately to let go – my heart has been broken in so MANY pieces – I just can’t find the strength to pick up those pieces and make it “work” anymore. I want DESPERATELY to move on but WHY CAN’T I? Someone HELP ME……..PLEASE……

Shawna
9:41 pm January 27th, 2015

Hello, All I can say is thank God I’m not alone. I fell in love with my boyfriend because he was kind general an we could communicate an he looked at me like no man ever did he loves me the way no man have ever attempted or at least I thoought he did . He is addicted to opiates I have been with him for 3 half years his constant lien saying he loves me he will get clean an stay clean his verbal abuse when confronted about lies an theft an deception. I don’t talerat his drug useage I pay for everything I need an my children I have 2 daughter teenage daughters at that . I feel guilty for allowing someone like this in our home an that’s one thing I have always tried to do is not let the outside world in my home to protect my children . Sorry I am all over the place .I feel like because he has put us an our relationship an livlyhood in a tail spin I feel like I’m crazy an of course this smart man who I love try’s to convince me I’m loosen my mind. I am full of pain anger regret guilt an empathy . How do I move forward he was everything that cometed me physically mentally and emotionally . I love him but I have to be honest I find my relationship with him has made me bitter an hard to trust anyone . I stay so upset an I can’t sleep can’t eat wake up filled with anxiety an panic an full of fear an this emtpty feeling an sick feeling. He has me questioning my self an who I am . Like my gut feeling ” intuition ” I know what I feel I know what my gut tells me but he said becaus of all the teams I have experienced that’s what clouds my thought normally . He will admit he uses but only after I nag an grip because his disappearing acts . I am different than most women I here I will confront him I want let him In my home I will allow him to see what his addiction is coasting me mentally an physically . I stand up for me because I have learned that this will at least make him stay clean for a few days or weeks . I guess one of my questions is why is he so angry with me why does he blam me could he even love me if he talks so bad to me an he has put his hands on me in a fit of rage always threating me to cause harm to me is it the drug does he ever feel guil for what he has done . I feel panic to think I will go back to him if he calls or texts me . I’m scared he will overdose of I leave I wouldn’t forgive my self I’m facing homelessness I’m stuck in a very bad situation an his family believes his lies an tells me I shouldn’t be to hard on him .. Please help I have no one to turn to or even communicate with about this. I at work an the only soldier on the front line with out a weapon .

Amanda Andruzzi
11:47 pm January 27th, 2015

Lynn and Codependant Wife,

I understand your feelings and thank you both for sharing. I wrote a memoir of my experience with my cocaine addicted husband that lasted twelve years, we had one daughter. I wrote Hope Street to help other people going through what I did. I have a good amount of articles here as well to give you the information you need to get help and get out of this situation.
It is hard to leave, so sometimes by helping ourselves we can leave emotionally so we can find the strength to leave physically. I recommend educating yourself and finding a support person or group to help you understand more.
It is also helpful to read the other posts here so that you can see you are not alone and it usually doesn’t end unless you make it. Please keep me posted and I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street

Amanda Andruzzi
1:32 am January 28th, 2015

Ash and Dee,
I am sorry I may have not responded to your posts, sometimes I do not get notified.
It is very helpful to look at other posts because we are all in the same situation. I also have other articles here but the idea and major theme here is we, as coaddicts, need to get help for ourselves and help eachother make some major changes. Keep reading and posting, we are all here to help.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street

Eleonora
10:15 am January 29th, 2015

Hi, I am 27 years old with an 18 month baby and 8 month pregnant with the second one. This should be one of the best moments of my life, but unfortunately, loving an addict for the last 5 years of my life doesn’t allow it to the fullest.
I left my husband 3 months ago, and moved back home near family who could support me. About a week ago, during the sleepless nights that being 8 months pregnant brings about, I googled something like how to stop loving an alcoholic? I found this post and read some comments and jumped on Amanda’s suggestion to read her book.
I read the book in less than a week, sobbing a lot of parts as it was my own life, except the financial drama. My husband is sending some money for the baby girl at least. However, it is not enough. And knowing addiction, it normally doesn’t end well. If losing his license indefinitely, losing his wife and daughters was not enough to hit a rock bottom, I don’t know what will.
I reached my rock bottom when I came back home from classes I was taking to finish my career to become a counselor, and found my husband not sober with our little innocent daughter. I saw it on her skin then, and decided it was healthier and safer for me to leave. There is a lot of other reasons why I should have left and I wished I did before putting other lives in this mess, but I also can’t see my life without my daughters now. They give me the reason to be strong and healthy and not put up with my husband’s addiction anymore. Someone who can call his pregnant wife at 2 in the morning to go pick him up (my first pregnancy). Someone who can leave his pregnant wife with a high fever at home with a toddler to go spend the night out with his buddies (my second pregnancy). That’s not healthy and it doesn’t feel like love, and it’s only a very tiny percentage of what I had to put up with daily. It was like having to deal with a 3rd baby, actually worse.
I am thankful for people like Amanda who help others by sharing their own story. Nobody can understand as good as someone who’s been through it. I hope when I get my life back together I can also be helpful for a lot of people.
I couldn’t stop reading the book, I really wanted to get to the end of it to know there was light at the end of the tunnel! It is definately what I need to know right now. I think my daughters and I deserve a happy ending. I hope there is one for us as well. It’s hard to feel sure I did the right thing by leaving him, but I feel reassured when I hear other people’s happy ending like Amanda’s.
I am angry at myself sometimes I ended up marrying someone with deep addiction, and that my daughters don’t get to have play daddy with them cause he’s more concerned with drinking, his buddies, kayaking, and just plainly only concerned about himself. With my education, my past as a child, I should have read the signs I should have stayed away before having a family with him but instead, I fell for his acts and manipulations and lies, but nothing I can change now.
I’ve always been so scared of dying and wanted to live life to the fullest. I can’t accept wasting any more time than I already have on someone who doesn’t care enough and only gives a little money for us. We are worth much more than that.
This is one of the hardest times of my life and I honestly still have hope of him changing before my heart becomes unavailable. I wished we could fix the family  it is very hard to accept it’s not possible. However, I think it’s been over a long time ago I have just kept hanging on like if letting go meant that I was going to die. I see and realize I am not perfect,  I know I contributed to the drama sometimes, but I also see how much healthier I am after only 3 months of leaving him. I have peace, stability, and simply a sense of calmness and not much to worry about. No more roller coaster that being with him implied.
Would love to hear some thoughts. People who understand normally will tell me how strong I was to do this and that it was the right choice. There is also pressure from the other side. Any response would be appreciated!

Amanda Andruzzi
11:05 pm January 30th, 2015

Eleanor’s,

First of all, you are strong, you are a good mother and you absolutely did the right thing. It makes me reAlly happy to know my book helped you, it is the numbers one reason I wrote it. When I was going through this I searched for something, anything I could relate to and there was nothing and I knew I was not the only one.
Please keep doing what you are doing and worry about you and your children. I promise if you keep him out of your life it will be easier in the long run because if he gets clean it won’t be anything you do to help him as hard as that sounds.
You sound like a wonderful and brave person and I have high hopes for you. You have a great life ahead of you, you will use your energy, once spent in the addict now for yourself and the life you want. When you don’t have the addict to deal with your life will be your own again, on your own terms.
Since my book, Eleanor, I have had my third child with my second husband and my first child has happily adjusted to her new father. We are a very happy family and the only way that can happen is if you get better and focus on you. Wonderful things happen and doors open when you do that. Please keep hopeful and keep me posted. I am grateful for your feedback.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi

Gayla
6:47 pm February 1st, 2015

I met an addict about 6 months ago. But he told me and my mom that he was drug free for 6 years which overtime I found out was a lie. We moved in together very fast because of course he was very charming. A month of us living together he went out using. He promised it would never happen again. But it happened over and over. Then started the heavy drinking. Then losing his job. One night escalated into his rage. He grabbed my cell phone and backed me in a corner. I ran upstairs got on home phone to call 911. He ripped phone out of wall. Coos showed up and he went to jail. My mom is bailing him out because she knows I love him and sees my struggle with this. She is taking him to his dsds to live because I told him I need some time and some space. He claims he is going to change and stop drinking and stop using and win me back. I don’t believe anything he says anymore. He is a great guy when he isn’t using. I am on an emotional rollercoaster ride and I feel like a failure that I can’t just let go. I cry and I cry ..my heart literally hurts.

Crystal
1:06 am February 2nd, 2015

I’m 28 living with a addict he constantly lies ,don’t answer my calls when he leaves turn his phone off also I’m pregnant for him this Is his first child he constantly putting me at stress I don’t know what to do one day he says he don’t have the desire for it and then he does the same thing again …please help what should I do…

Amanda Andruzzi
4:04 pm February 2nd, 2015

Dear Crystal and Gayla,

You are both in different situations but yet they are quite similar. You are both in love with an addict. What you need to know is that when a person is an addict, you cannot be sure who you are in love with. An addict lies, manipulates, hides, and at the drop of a dime will turn into a different person so much that you are not sure if the person you fell in love with is the REAL person. This is all too common in co-addictive relationships.
It is scary, difficult, mind boggling and breaks your heart over and over again.
However, the reason we love an addict has less to do with them and more to do with us. The help we need is not for the addict but for ourselves.
I was married to an addict, a con artist, and cheater for over 12 years and we had one child. Hope Street, is my memoir of my last year living with my ex-husband. I went through everything you are feeling right now and what I learned was that I could not help the addict, I was not responsible for his addiction and that I HAD to help myself. Once I really understood what I had to do, things changed for me.
Please keep reading, keep finding out information to educate yourself on addiction because you are not alone and addicts all do the same things. Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and you will find many articles here to help you. The key here is to get help for you, find support to help you get strong. There is a better life and it took me a long time to realize I could do it on my own. There is hope, you just have to take the steps you need to take to move on.
Keep me posted, I am here to help!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published auther, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Anna
2:18 am February 3rd, 2015

I have been married to an alcoholic for 8 years he left our home 4 months ago. He said he wants a divorce but has yet to file. I began therapy 3 months ago and bought and read every book on alcoholism and codependency that I did not already have! I struggle with my marriage as I cannot find fault for divorce. On the other hand I feel that hope is dwindling. I’ve made strong changes and set healthy boundaries by detaching. I find myself leaning towards divorce as my husband has made no effort to take action to make changes for himself. He has not met me half way on doing the work of change. So here is my question … And I know there is no good answer… How long do you wait when your loved one is stuck in addiction ??? When you have stopped being part of the victim. Rescuer, persecuter. In other words you have eliminated yourself from the triangle of codependency and ceased to make them worse?

Amanda Andruzzi
4:19 pm February 3rd, 2015

Anna,

How long do you wait when your loved one is stuck in addiction ???

There is no easy answer. It is an individual choice. This may sound like a cliche but you will make a change when YOU are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It sounds like his addiction is number one and he is moving on so RIGHT NOW might be a good time to put yourself first for a change.
My book and memoir, Hope Street, may be helpful because it too, took me a very long time to get out of marriage to an addict. But again, you must make the change, it has to come from you and if you wait, you may end up waiting forever.
Do not give another person the power to dictate your ability to be happy, it sounds like that is what he has done or you have allowed him to do here. I have been in your exact situation and it took me 12 years, 1 child and one book to get over it.
So the answer to your question is when will you be ready???
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on coaddiction

Gayla
4:18 pm February 4th, 2015

My addict for the first time will be checking into a 3 month rehab center. I really hope this helps him. Right now I am having faith and hope he will change without losing myself. Time to focus on me and doing some healing while he is away doing his healing.

gina
5:56 pm February 4th, 2015

Thank you amanda,,nothing changes,i let go and am now divorce,.i am so very happy ,it took my god and first lady from church to help me through it all,again thank you very much.

Amanda Andruzzi
4:38 pm February 6th, 2015

Gayla,

You have a good point, now is the time to take the focus off of him and on to you. Regardless of the outcome of his rehab you need to be okay. But even after he leaves or if he does not finish, you have to not go back to making his addiction your problem. Try al-anon, books on Codependant behaviors and co-addiction and get to the root of your issues, it will make dealing with the addict a lot better.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

wendy
1:03 pm February 9th, 2015

Hi I had been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 12yrs. I only realised the extent of his addiction 4yrs ago, for my sanity and the sake of our 2 children I decided to end the relationship 2yrs ago. Since then he has not bothered with our 2 children and doesn’t pay child support. I find this so hard to understand how he can just move on as if they don’t exist. I find it heartbreaking to try explain to the kids why Dad doesn’t see them. I wouldn’t really appreciate some advice and maybe some understanding of his behaviour. Thank you

Amanda Andruzzi
6:09 pm February 9th, 2015

Wendy,
Thank you for sharing with us. You must know that you did the right thing in ending your relationship with someone who put addiction and alcohol first in his life. Addiction runs its course differently for everyone but it is selfish at its core so it is not uncommon for an addict to disappear when the relationship ends, even if children are involved. I hear a lot of women tell me that even though their partner is an addict that they would never abandon their children, only to be left feeling shocked when that happens.
I was married to an addict for 12 years and when I finally had no choice but to leave, I was also one of those woman. I never thought that my ex-husband would disappear without a trace. I was left to provide for our child myself with no income, debt and zero financial or emotional support from him. It has been five years and although I am remarried with two more children, and we are a happy and well-adjusted family, it still hurts to know my daughter’s father completely abandoned her.
However, I try to look at the positive of this situation which may help you. If my daughter’s father were in her life, she would be torn by trying to love someone who could not truly love or care for her and she would be exposed to addiction, to anger and all of the ugliness that goes along with it. By leaving, my ex-husband gave my daughter a chance for a real childhood. It sounds cruel, but I believe, for me, the best thing was to let her move on and not have to try to love a father who would constantly disappoint her and who she would probably have to see high and sick and who could potentially be abusive.
The behavior of leaving is normal on the part of the addict because addiction is completely selfish, the only thing they can hear, see, taste and smell is their drug. Please try not to take this personally and try to see his leaving and a new lease on life for you and your children. For a long time I simply told my daughter that her father was sick and needed help and unfortunately did not get help. He loved her the only way he knew how but was too sick to be in her life and I left it at that. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir on my experiences with my addicted husband and the aftermath. I struggled much like you did but in the end realized that being positive and trying to look on the bright side not only helped me but was a good example for my daughter. I know my words may not ease your suffering but hopefully you will understand that you are not alone in this, that what has happened to you can be very common for the behavior of an addict and that there is hope. Keep me posted and I really appreciate your feedback.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

rosemary
3:09 am February 10th, 2015

HELLO I’M HURT TO THE CORE I’VE BEEN WITH MY ALCOHOLIC HUS OVER 12 YRS BATTLING WITH HIS ADDICTION SEPARATING OVER 5OR 6 TIMES THROUGHOUT MARRIAGE WHEN I FIRST MET HUS HE TOLD ME HE ONLY DRANK A LITTLE BEER HERE AND THERE AND IN THE BEGINNING HE LIVED IN HIS PLACE AND I LIVED IN MINE SO HIS HEAVY DRINKING PROBLEM WAS HID FROM ME ABOUT 6MONTHS AFTER DATING I ALLOWED HIM TO MOVE IN WITH ME THAT,S WHEN I REALIZED HE HAD BEER EVERYDAY I AND HIS BEHAVIOR CHANGED HIS TEMPER WOULD REALLY GET OUT OF CONTROL HE WOULD CALL ME ALL KINDS OF NAMES ,THEN THE NEXT DAY HE WAS SORRY, I WAS TOO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED TO PULL AWAY FROM HIM, HE SAID IT WAS MY FAULT THAT HE ACTED UP CAUSE WHEN HE DRANK TOO MUCH I TOLD HIM TO SLOW DOWN ON THE DRINKING AND IT MADE HIM VERY ANGRY, I ALSO REALIZED HE HAD A CHEMICAL IN BALANCE HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH A DUAL PERSONALITY DISORDER BIPOLAR AND ALCOHOLISM FOR YRS I TRYED TO FIX HIM, HE WOULD GO INTO REHAB OFF AND ON WHEN I TOLD HIM OUR MARRIAGE WAS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF HIS DRINKING BUT ALWAYS AFTER 10 DAYS IN HUS HE WOULD COME OUT AND START DRINKING ALL OVER AGAIN SO AFTER BEING CALLED EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN COMING HOME FROM WORK TO A HUS THAT DRANK EVERYDAY OF THE 12YRS OF MARRIAGE I JUST GOT FED UP AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE AND GO STAY WITH DAUGHTER FOR A COUPLE MONTHS HE LEFT IN NOV,SINCE THEN I HEARD HE IS LIVING WITH DAUGHTER AND HIS EX WIFE IT KILLED ME INSIDE HE FOUND A JOB NEVER WANTED TO WORK TO HELP ME OUT BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK ITS HOW HE STARTED OUT BWITH ME WORK FOR A WHILE THEN AFTER 3OR 4 MONTHS HE WOULD FLARE UP ON JOB AND GET FIRED ITS A PATTERN HE GOES THROUGH WITH HIS BIPOLAR DISORDER AND ONE THING HE WON,T DO IS TAKE HIS MEDS CAUSE ALCOHOL IS HIS MEDICINE AND WHEN HE DRINKS LIQUOR ALONG WITH HIS BEER HE IS LIKE A TIME BOMB WAITING TO EXPLODE I HAVE BEEN CARRYING THIS MAN FOR YRS BUT I COME TO REALIZE I CAN,T FIX HIM BUT INSIDE MY HEART IS RIPPED TO PIECES HOW COULD HE MOVE WITH EX WIFE AND JUST GIVE ME A SILENT TREATMENT LIKE I NEVER EXSISTED I HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED AND HE NEVER EVEN CALLED ME HOW HEARTLESS COUL D A MAN BE I,M HURTING EVERYDAY AND I CONSTANTLY HEAR ALL HIS NAMECALLING IN MY INNER THOUGHTS

Diane
5:18 am February 10th, 2015

My boyfriend of 11 yrs has gone from someone I had the beat relationship of my life with emotionally, physically and mentally to a heroin addict. I know how to detach, I just don’t always want to because I always want back what I once had. I have had so many opportunities to have other relationships but I always wind up sabotaging them because I just can’t move on without him. We have not lived together for years except for a few weeks here and there, usually when I am helping him out of a jam as I have just done. I have this stupid fantasy in my head that the person I once thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with will come back. I feel like I will never be able to let go of him.

MOEMENSI
12:07 pm February 10th, 2015

i am livving with my husband and we have 4 kid and a grandson of 2 he is using the drug cat he is very abusive and he is very emosionaly most of the time and when we have an argument he always say that i am the problem and i dont want to listen to what he tels me to do and i dont know how to let go of him i feel sorry for him brcause his family have disown him and he blame everbody for how they treat him and he even does not want to go to get help he keep on telling me he does not have a problem and i dont know what to do anymore PLEASE HELP

nikki
5:47 pm February 10th, 2015

Hello, so glad I found this article. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. When we first got together he was locked up for almost 8 months due to past criminal activity. I’m completely straight edge from what he’s use to. I’m independent and have a good job. I got pregnant early on. I decided to stand by his side. I visited him every day for 8 months while he was locked up, sent him care packages, paid for phone calls, all while I was pregnant, alone and supporting myself. He would brag about me to his friends, and say how lucky he was to have a girl like me in his life keeping him on the straight and narrow. Well I found out he was using almost 2 weeks ago, he begged to stay and that he loved me and wanted to save our family. I thought about it, and decided I wanted to help save us too, but with conditions, because after all he had lied and manipulated me for a long time, he agreed, but things were difficult, the withdrawals, then the mood swings, my anger and frustration didn’t help, but he blames part of his mood on me and my non stop bitching. Now he’s gone and is trying to say he was unhappy before he started using again and that as a couple we aren’t healthy. I’m just confused how can you want to save your family one minute then walk away from the only person who has ever been there?

Amanda Andruzzi
6:16 pm February 10th, 2015

Rosemary, Diane and Moemensi,

I am sorry to bunch you all in, in one response but one comforting thing about your situation is that you are not alone. If you read each others stories you will find a great similarity.
Addiction is selfish and the person you love becomes foggy after addiction takes over.
I lived with and was married to an addict for 12 years and we had one child. I have been through everything you could imagine. I really loved my ex-husband and we had a great connection but that connection changed and then eventually went away when his addiction took over. What I realized later was that he was always an addict and that glorious person I loved was just a facade, a person he wanted to be but really was not.
What you all have in common is one very important thing, you have lost yourselves in the other person’s addiction. This is very common and I am speaking from my own experience. You become so consumed with trying to help, fix and make excuses for your loved one’s behavior that you loose your sense of self.
The best information I can give you, and unfortunately it is something you have to be ready to hear, is that the only way to feel better is to take the focus off of him and put it back on you where it belongs. If you care less about your partner, even if you have to fake it at first, eventually you will start to care more about yourself and your happiness.
Please read all of my articles in this blog to help you, they will explain what I have learned going through this and coming out on the other side. Click Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will appear dealing with living with an addict and how to help yourself.
My book, Hope Street, is a memoir of my life with an addict and has been very helpful to others. I felt very alone during that time and I wrote this to help other co-addicts feel understood.
Remember, you cannot change or fix anyone but yourself so the best way to help your partner is to help yourself! Please keep posting, keep us posted, I am always here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir of a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
9:15 pm February 10th, 2015

Nikki,
I call that behavior the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In my book, Hope Street, a memoir on my experience with being married to an addict, I write about this constantly. Toward the end of our 12 year nightmare, he had the nerve to tell me that he kept me with him because without me he would have been a much worse addict, that I kept him more straight.
The best thing I ever did for myself and that he ever did for me was leaving. You learn after years of the same old cycle that addicts are many different people. In my memoir, I document the last year of my life with my husband and I was starting to uncover that his behavior was not personal, it was part of addiction.
Nikki, you are not alone, read the hundreds of other women who post about this same situation. You know have a child or one on the way and that is the most important thing right now. Protecting our child was probably the number one reason I left my ex-husband and my inspiration to get strong and show her a better life. I was very independent but lost that when I lost myself in my husband’s addiction.
The focus Nikki needs to be on you and your child and unfortunately not on him. I tell everyone here a lesson I learned the very, very, very HARD way: you cannot make someone recover from addiction, you have no control over addiction, you cannot help or fix anyone else and addiction is usually stronger than you or the love you share with that person.
The only hope for another person to recover is to let them go and it is when and only when they hit bottom and get help that there may be a real shot.
For you, for your child, please keep reading about addiction. There are not a lot of books from the side of the co-addict which is why I wrote Hope Street. I wrote it because as I was going through this I really felt I had no one who really knew how I felt and the sickness I was feeling and the desperation and so I wanted other woman and men who loved an addict to feel understood. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi, in this blog and all of my articles will pop up. They are all there to help you on many different levels; to understand addiction, co-addiction, how to get help, but most importantly how to help yourself, step-by-step.
Please keep me posted, I welcome posts and comments.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Gayla
3:43 am February 11th, 2015

How do u not a addict live in boyfriend not control your emotions and create stress in your life? When they live under the same roof as you? He was suppose to go to rehab bit now has changed mind about it..he know wants to go to a counselor. But I come home to him drinking and his mood swings. How do I not let this affect me anymore? I am a wreck a mess.

wendy
12:36 pm February 11th, 2015

Hi Amanda thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it. I have actually explained to our two children exactly what you have advised that Dad does love them very much but is in fact sick so I feel good that I’m at least on the right track. You have made me realise I’m actually quite lucky that my children don’t have to see their Dad in that horrible addiction. I pray everyday for him to get the help he needs but also know that is up to him. Myself and my children are my priority first and foremost. It’s a very tough thing to do but I know it’s essential for my own health and happiness and that of my children.

Amanda Toussaint
12:43 pm February 11th, 2015

Gayla,

We have to understand one thing; we cannot help, fix or change an addict or their behavior.
Most times they go for help is only because someone has threatened them to leave, kick them out or end a relationship.
Being under the same roof with an addict makes it almost impossible to detach although it is possible.
However, unless you cannot leave or ask him to leave you do not have to live with him. Getting out of an unhealthy situation makes it a whole lot easier to heal yourself. There are articles here, just click my name in this blog, that help you either way to detach, but if you can get away I would recommend you do. Living with my addicted husband, the only peace I had and opportunity to stop worrying about him is when I left. It was hard but I realized it was too difficult for me to see him high and not get sucked into the insanity that was now my every day life. Gayla, you can make a change, you just need to get up the courage to change you.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Gayla
5:56 pm February 11th, 2015

Why does he put me down? I cant cook the right way. I cant clean the house the right way. I supposedly lie all tge time or bkow out tge truth. It is starting to make me angry. I think how dare you complain about me when u are drinking and doing drugs. What makes him so perfect and me so unperfect? I am so tge point I just wish he would leave.

Rebecca
9:28 pm February 11th, 2015

I am separated from my addict husband. I currently live with my parents and they cannot stand him. They want me to divorce him and I understand why but it’s hard to let go especially since he is going back to rehab for the second time in a couple days. We have two small boys together and I also have two other children. I just cannot seem to bring myself to totally separate from him. It has been a very hard road and I’m trying to move forward but when I have him promising he wants to completely change his life and be the man god wants him to be it’s even harder! Any comments would be greatly appreciated!!

Courtney
11:16 pm February 11th, 2015

I’ve been living with my drug addict boyfriend for 2 years and he’s been on methadone the whole time. Im to the point that I hate the sight of him. He’s getting to where he gets kinda violent when I tell him I don’t want to be touched and he’ll get mad and throw me on the bed and holds me down its kinda like he’s trying to rape me. And the other day I managed to throw him in the floor… All I know is I’m leaving him, I’m not sure how to go about it Cuz I’m afraid he’s going to snap on me. I want to get out as soon as I can the best way I can come up with is to pack a little on my way to work in the mornings when I go to work. But that’ll take to long and I don’t ever want to look at him. I don’t know what the quickest and easiest way to get out is without him and his mom jumping on me and trying to guilt trip me

Amanda Andruzzi
3:55 pm February 12th, 2015

Gayla,
When it comes to addiction, an addict will feel justified to put everyone else down and make excuses for their own behavior so that they can continue to use. If he were not high and in recovery, a real program, he would probably not act in this manner. However, if you are really sick of his behavior, I suggest helping yourself to see why you would put up with this. Usually we stay with people who are unhealthy because we are unhealthy ourselves. He will continue on as long as he can so he does not have to stop using.
The question is when will you be ready to make a change?
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
4:05 pm February 12th, 2015

Rebecca,
When children are involved it is a difficult situation. I left my husband with our child because I wanted our child to have a better life and not live with addiction and it was the best decision I ever made. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my last year with my husband and how everything came to an end. It has helped many woman who are in our situation and I wrote it for that reason alone. No one can tell you to leave and abandon the father of your child because you have to be ready to do that. For me it was watching my 5 year old daughter get used to the fighting, the lies, and watching her father use drugs that made me get out. I wanted her to have a normal and happy life and so that made me get strong and move on.
Rebecca, I would recommend moving on with your life, with your children and focusing on some recovery from you. Addiction twists us inside and out and we lose a sense of ourselves and what we want out of life. Whether or not your husband goes for help should be his business and you will know if he is serious or if this is just another attempt to keep his family. In the meantime, I suggest going to al-anon or other support groups in your area, as well as getting some support for your children. You would be surprised just how much they know even despite the efforts we make to shield them. If you can both heal and recover on your own, in time, maybe there is a chance for your family to stay together but I truly believe from personal experience that this will only happen if you both stay apart and work on yourselves. The good thing is, if he gets help and then is alone when he comes out, you will see if he stays clean on his own.
But Rebecca, the key here is to get help for you and your children and learn how to heal and grow and be okay despite what condition the addict is in. His plight does not have to be yours too. Keep me posted, keep reading my articles here, I have some great ones about family and children. Click on Amanda Andruzzi and they will all come up.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
4:11 pm February 12th, 2015

Courtney,
Thank you for sharing with us, I know none of this is easy. It sounds like you are ready to make a change and I really want to understand why anyone would be able to guilt you into staying. You are not married, there are no children involved. You do not want to be with an addict anyone and your decision should end there. However, if you fear any domestic violence, there are things you can do to leave without incident.
You can call the police to be there while you get your things and make sure you have a place to go so you do not end up back with him. You can get an order of protection and use it if he comes near you. You also need to find a support system to help you move forward with your life.
I have the feeling that things will be a lot better for you once you are away from this unhealthy situation. Sometimes this is easier said than done, I was you once, I met my boyfriend at 19 and even though the signs were there I did not leave until 12 years later, through a marriage and a child. I wrote my book, Hope Street, which is a memoir of my time with an addict. I encourage people like you to read it so that you may have a glimpse of what might be your future if you don’t leave. Keep us posted, we are always here to support you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

jessica
3:08 am February 15th, 2015

How do you let go of the addict if you are sure you have saved thier lives so many times? If you are sure if you hadnt been there keeping an eye in them, they would have overdosed by now? I left my addict ex bofriend years ago. But everytime something really bad happens i try and be there for him. Try and be supportive and give him a diffrent option other than shooting up. His grandfather died two days ago and i rushed to his side (which i havent done in a long time because i didnt want him in my life if he was using) . When his sister called me and told me thier grandfather died and that my exboyfriend was on a bender, i was terrified. My biggest fear for years is that he would overdose and die. So i spent the last two days with him. And i kniw for sure that those two days were really positive and he was happy. But then this morning he woke up, snuck upstairs, and began ti prepare to shoot up. I caught him right before he did it and threw everything out. He was dope sick and promised that he would get soboxin, wean himself off the soboxin, and then get the new implant that prevents you from getting high anymore. I dont kniw if he means it. I dont kniw how to accept it if he doesnt do it. I feel like hes sucked me in all over again. It took me years to seperate myself from him….i dont kniw if i can go threw it again. The constant sick feeling of “is this the day i find out he died?”. I finally have a good life for myself.

I guess what im asking is how do you learb to stop caring? How do you accept that they might loose the battle? And how would i ever go on if he does? Please give me the answers! Im heartbroken all over again….happy fucking Valentine’s day….</3

The Boyfriend of
4:10 am February 15th, 2015

Hi Amanda,
I appreciate the emails when there new things posted here, this is the only site I’ve found that takes this topic headon of letting go of an addict and the complications therein.
Hope you don’t mind me chiming in again, but this is a week in history of my relation with the addict woman, that was quite significant to me, but in her mindset of being “active in addiction” , is meaningless to her.
Since Im straight, sober, not an addict, my memory is fine, I dont live in a blur like she does from moment to impulsive moment, so as various dates whizz by, i still have lingering trauma, remembering the good and bad of the specific dates that matter.
This week, not so much that its valentines week, but it was the week before valentines week, we left her city, to go back to my house in 2013. I had neglected to be home, in spite of hurricane sandy, because i was so determined to stay in her state/city to “make this work”.
Not sure if i said this but was at play too, is her lies and deceptions about the state of her man that it “meant nothing”, he was like a roomate, well around this time it became apparent (9 months in that she was common-law married), in TX, via the laws there. 9 months in i say because her therapist told me, NOT HER…
Part of my constant problem was beliving whats called “gaslighting” a common manipulation technique. My constant problem was her shoving other men, or her friendships with other men, that “meant nothing”, “some guy at starbucks gave me his number but, oh its nothing”…
So for the most part because she was showing up for me, and being with me 24/7 i bought it, and her manipulative skills, even after some mini traumatic betrayls, would convince me, she was “for real”….PLUS I knew her from childhood.
So on that weekend before Valentines weekend, her TX man, who “meant nothing” but was actually her common law husband, text bombed her and I at my house,,,how he got my number i never figure out, but so went the weekend, she was pleasent with me, but shocked and confused and had to return home, her was threatening to kick her out and take their kid. Now a sober woman, who meant what she said that this guy “meant nothing”, would then get a lawyer and move on wiht the new guy—me. Didnt happen, from then on Feb 2013, this thing lingered and lingered and went downhill. She did “everything and everything” to keep him on track, supplying the money, and he was by far and still is a big time enabler. I went back to her city in april thru june, but was really bad, He came first and finally I went home,,,I didnt like being 2nd fiddle. He did move out in May 2013, but then she decided to go to FLA to see her old FLA boyfriend. That was my cue to leave. Enough was enough. BUT,,,,THEy keep coming back. She made several un-announced visits to my house thru summer 2014.
But it was the gaslighting that kept me in the game. Thru getting good support, therapy and 12 steps, I started to understand this is all very common. Yes people like me can get manipulated and sucked in, unknowingly because THEY are VERY VERY GOOD at what they do. Extremely convincing that the lies arent lies.
So here now, I havent communicated back to her since Oct 2014 (after sending some postal letters with a bunch of boundaries), I sent her an email and a text to point her to the fact that I sent her an email, my words “boy, its hard to believe its 2 yrs since that weekend at my house, and really nothing has changed you’re still married and connected to him 24/7., Im feeling kind of sad about this”…
So back to gaslighting technique, what was her response? “how do you know I’m still connected to him”?
Now a reasonable clean and sober would say probably “boy, 2 yrs already, yea i guess im kinda stuck with this guy”….but right away, she goes into cover-up mode, deception, lies, 1/2 truths, to make the victim “doubt themselves”. For me, that was the crux of my downfall in the relationship with the addict. She had me doubting myself, my view of reality was constantly questioned.

Ditto, when I finally started to learn about addiction, and that she’s an addict, of course she said she’s not an addict, and she continues to deny, state or otherwise imply that she’s not married too.
There’s so many variations of manipulation, in hindsight I finally can recognize them now, but in the thick of it i could not.
My therapist thinks the sort of subliminal reason why she will not re-engage in a postive way with me is because her disease has me labeled enemy #1. All her enablers, the husband, her family, her kids, do not have a problem with her drinking and drugging. Granted I was not begging her to stop drinking and drugging, but at the top of 2014, thru naranon, coda, and therapy, I did point out to her attacks of me (she frequently would say everything is my fault) that the reason we couldnt move forward was because she was not in any form of recovery,,,,and she’s married.
YET she still “wants to talk”. Well I’m thankful, for her behavior today in texts, because now with the education I can tell myself “nope shes still not safe”….how do you known im married? No human could be divorced from november to now. its a ridiculous statement to a very sincere email i wrote. I am lucky she did not use her skills to suck me back in by answering more honestly. NOW i know recognize the chatter, but before I didnt. I absolutely would like to see her and speak to her, but I absolutely saw by this simple response from her, that “nothing has changed”, in fact its worse.
Thats why all the various bad advice i got “dont call, dont do this dont do that”, dont matter, for me its the education that worked and time away. I didnt do any one thing bad advisors told me, but I got extremely educated in addict behaviors to understand and begin to believe what I was up against. I’d like very much to speak to her, but I just dont see it as being a great idea at this time. Like Liam Neeson in “taken”, she has skills of manipulation that far exceed anthing I can handle at this time. No doubt she is continuing her charade, taking other men hostage, weekly or daily, with her deceptions and manipulations. I could feel loss, or jealous, but really the only love that has her is her disease of addiction. Any new men or flings will be short-lived because she will trash it, like she’s done all her life, by lying and cheating so its not like Im losing her to someone else.
Anyway thanks again amanda for this great site,

The boyfriend of.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:49 pm February 16th, 2015

The Boyfriend Of,
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. You made a very smart assessment when you said addicts are very, very, manipulative. The only way an addict could keep on behaving the way they need to in order to use would be to lie. In that respect, it is a necessary part of their addiction. However, it seems like you have come a long way and that you have indirectly realized two very important things; you do not want to be in this type of relationship and that you cannot be in the middle of this woman’s problems.
The next step would be to move on from here so that you can have the life that you want, perhaps with someone else. Either way, being on your own sounds a lot better than being with someone who lies and deceives and makes you feel like second best.
You have learned a great deal from this experience and so I urge you to take what you have learned and use it to your advantage in your own life. You now know what you want and what you don’t want and you know that you deserve happiness and to be with a person who appreciates all you have to offer. Any man who would go to the ends of the earth, relocate, and help support the person they love, as you have done, obviously has a lot to give and to offer.
The challenge now is to not waste that on a woman whose problems are so unmanageable that her lies have taken her as far as she can go.
The key is to put the focus on you and take the focus off of her which it seems like you are starting to do.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
3:01 pm February 16th, 2015

Jessica,
I am sorry for your pain. I have been there and I understand what you are feeling. It is hard to let go but if you are saving him every time he needs you then I am not sure you ever really let go in the first place. It sounds like you are trapped and that you really need to make some big decisions.
I want to help but I cannot make decisions for you. I can only help you by pointing you in the right direction and by sharing with you my experience. I have written my memoirs. Hope Street is my book about my experience with an addict that lasted 12 years. I too, could not leave and kept getting sucked back in because of my love for him. I too, could not stand that sick feeling in my stomach and not knowing if he was going to die.
What I can tell you is what I learned through my experience. You cannot help, fix, or change an addict. When you help, most times you are just prolonging the inevitable. They will have to go through what they need to and their promises of sobriety are just to assure you they will get better but end up just being a failed attempt. If you really want to help him, you might want to consider really leaving.
Every enabler an addict finds is just one more person that helps them use a little bit longer. If his fate is overdosing you cannot stop that. The issue is those who love him are scared and so you all come together out of fear to try and stop it. What I learned is that there is no stopping it, an addict must hit rock bottom and then ask for help.
So Jessica, for your own sanity, try the things I have written in this blog to help you let him go and then he can deal with his own addiction, his own way.
Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and you will find all of my articles here. They are all about co-addiction and have step-by-step directions on how to start to let go. The key is to get the help for you this time. I hope that helps. Please keep us posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Kelly
2:04 am February 18th, 2015

Hi
I have not read your book yet, but will be sure to after reading all the comments and replies, I think your story may be similar to mine
My alcoholic husband has been my only childhood sweetheart for 19 years, we have two young boys together.
We both work full time.
I was trapped, in a co owned home, debt up to our eyes, no money to move out.
Having been in homeless accommodation when I was younger and moved home so many times, I didn’t want that for my kids. Staying in our 4 bedroom semi, next to school ,family and friends seemed more important.
He wasn’t an abusive drunk, just an empty shell.
I stayed and tried to help him, little did I know this was assisting his addiction which got worse after clinical depression.
I tried separating, he got a bit better, we got back together, then it got worse.
For the first time in 18 years, he physically abused me. He was sent away, with bail conditions not to contact me.
For the first time in 5 years, I was free.
Temporarily, as I had no idea how I was going to pay mortgage, but the built up anger was finally subsiding.
I started to make a plan, am still seeing a therapist, started court action for divorce & to sell our home, as he would not deal with any of it.
That being said, he has started to recover, been to counselling, made changes, looking a lot better, started to deal with finances,offering to pay mortgage, happy to stay away & give us the space We need as long as I say there is still hope for us.
How can 4 weeks of recovery undo 5 years of neglect?
Why do I want him back so badly, when I know my life was starting to improve when I cut him out it?
What is this hold that “love” / “connection” has that makes you doubt your own gut/ instincts.
what can I hold on to, so I know I won’t go back, how do I stay strong? I want him back so much.
. Can any addicts fully recover & get their lives back?

Amanda Andruzzi
5:23 pm February 18th, 2015

Kelly,
Thank you for sharing. Yes, I was in a similar situation and my book really gets to the heart of how we feel as the loved ones of an addict, sharing a life and children. It is very raw and very honest and I think because it is so candid, it really resonates with people going through the same thing.
Each person must find their own way and make their own decisions.
It took me 12 years to be done with my ex-husband and I loved him even after I left but once I started to feel like myself again (whoever that was), and get my life and my child’s life back to some sanity, I knew there was no going back.
I know the love and the need you feel to have him back but what I learned was that I was not really in love with the person, I was in love with a fantasy of that person and I was the one who had issues of letting go. My personal problems, insecurities and need to fix others instead of myself, kept me holding on way too long. I had to work on me and why I would allow a man like this in my life. When I realized that it was okay to let go and move on it was scary and I made myself stay away long enough to start a new life. Once I had that new life, I thanked God every single day that I was strong enough to not get pulled back in because my new life was amazing. My book really helps people understand that this is more of an issue that “I” had because if I was healthy I never would have stayed so long. It also helps people understand there is life after addiction and it can be a really great one.
I want to tell you to leave and never look back. But you must go through the motions so that when you do leave you will know you are done.
Did you ever think that maybe you both have a better chance at being happy separately and that together your relationship enables the addiction cycle?
I feared that if I left, he would get clean and move on, I literally made myself sick over it because I wanted to be the one there for him and be a happy family again. After I left, he did start to get better, for a short time and I resisted. In no longer than 2-3 months he was back doing the same old thing and I was so grateful I had the courage to stay away.
This is your life and your family so I cannot help you make a very hard decision but what I can tell you is this; the feelings you are having right now will pass and if you go back you risk having the same life all over again. At the very least give both of you the opportunity to work on yourselves and get healthy, on your own and on his own. It is the only real way to tell if he is really in recovery. After this, if you still want him and he you then maybe there is a chance. My guess is that once you get to where you want to be you probably will be so happy and healthy that you won’t even want to take the chance at having that old life again.
Addiction is a rough life because you never know when a person will relapse and there are no guarantees. When I left, after all I had been through, I knew for sure, I never wanted that life or even the chance of having that life ever again.
Click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will come up on this site, they will be very helpful for you in conjunction with the book. Please keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Letesha
10:05 pm February 18th, 2015

I am married to an addict. I am at my breaking point with the situation but don’t feel like I am strong enough to make the necessary changes to make things better. We have talked several times about him getting help- he has gone to treatment once in the 10 years we have been together- he was clean about 4 months but now he is back to doing the same things- lying- stealing being manipulative. He gives me his credit/bank cards but that does not prevent him from figuring out a way to get drugs. I think that if I he left I could get back on track but I love him- I think about his health issues and the severity of being homeless and I just cant do it. He knows that I am at the end of my ropes and says he is going to go but I know that he is wondering then what?- someone help me. I am at a lost and I feel lost. I just don’t know what to do next.

Kelly
2:28 am February 19th, 2015

Thank you Amanda,
Your knowledge is very reassuring and your reply will help me more than you can know.
In the short space of a day, he has relapsed.
This was the reminder and ‘strength’ I needed to help me move on.
I already knew the choice to leave was right, I just wished it wasn’t.
I will try to keep contact as limited as I can ( it’s so difficult with children involved) & have made arrangements to sell up.
This was my issue, you are right. It’s not about him, it’s about me not wanting a repeat of my childhood mistakes.
I’m so glad I had the chance to speak to you & have started reading the book! Thank you. All the best for your fantastic new future xx

Julie
3:03 pm February 19th, 2015

Hi,
I have been in a 4 1/2 yr relationship. I fell in love with my boyfriend easily. I deeply love him.
We’ve had a roller coaster relationship.
During the first 6 months. We spent as much time together as possible. We’ve both been married and have children.
We both have professional careers. During our first 6 months. We connected all allot of areas in our live. Our personalities are similar but different. I would realize something was off or different but couldn’t put my finger on it. Long story short… He was an alcoholic. After the second woman I discovered he had been unfaithful to me he told me about his drinking. At that time I thought it was me not being a supportive girlfriend. And that’s why he would go to these other women.
4 years later I know that’s not the case.
Since then life has been a roller coaster. He did go to AA for a year. It’s coming up on 4 years he’s been sober. There are times/ months he will be substance free and then I don’t know what happens or what triggers him to start smoking pot. To my knowledge he doesn’t drink. But again we are both single parents. I have my 2 children 90% of the time and he has his son 25% of his time.
He tries to convience me nothing is wrong with smoking pot and it’s not addicting.
Maybe some people can recreationally smoke pot once or twice a year. But that is not the case for him.
In the past 6 months our relationship has changed. We don’t see each other as often. He recently has started playing his guitar and says when he plays smoking pot improves his ability. So he enjoys playing/smoking and then we don’t see each other but maybe once or twice every 2 weeks.
I would like to get married again. We have discussed this multiple times. During the last 6 months if I had brought up this topic … It would end in an argument. Then he wouldn’t talk to me for s day or two.
At the first of the year I told myself enough was enough.
I told him if he didn’t want to make a commitment to me and have a life together we needed to move on. He came back a week later and said he was ready.
Knowing that he is presently using drugs. I told him how much I love him. I also told him drugs can not be a part of our relationship. We discussed how it’s harmful to him, he makes choices differently when he’s actively using drugs.
He’s such an intelligent man but I know this is something he’s dealt with for 20+ years off and on. We are both in our 40′s.
We can have a very loving relationship.
I told him I would help him. But I feel like I have to set healthy boundaries.
And 4. 1/2 years is long enough.
I feel like I have been through enough. I want a healthy relationship but I can’t have that if drugs are involved. Also, I owe it to myself and my children to have a healthy and living environment for everyone involved.
Any feed back would be appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:56 pm February 19th, 2015

Kelly,
You are doing the right thing and you are more than welcome. I am here to help and I wrote my book for this very reason. Stay strong and remember your gut is ALWAYS right. He may lie and try and manipulate you and because you love him and he is the father of your children you may cave but know that there is a better life for you without addiction in it. Staying with an addict is a personal choice and my new life may not be glamorous but it is my life on my terms. I have a health relationship with my husband and more importantly with myself. I want that for you and for any woman who cannot leave an unhealthy situation. I can promise you one thing, it is hard to leave, but once you work on you, things will get better and you will be happy. If you leave him and do not do the work you need to do then things may not change.
I am here to help so keep posting or email me directly at hopestreetmemoir@gmail.com.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
4:06 pm February 19th, 2015

Letesha,
Thank you for sharing with us. We are all in the same situation and I am here to help. Do not get down on yourself, it took me 12 years to leave my ex-husband. He was using out entire marriage and at times I did not even know and thought he was clean. Addiction is tricky and leaving is scary. I had no one who could understand what I was going through so I wrote my book, Hope Street and created these articles and this blog to help other people. I want you to know first of all; you are not alone, this happens more often than I can tell you and that there is HOPE. You will have to do the work you need to do to get strong enough to leave and I cannot do that for you. I can only tell you that it is possible.
When I was where you are, I was scared sick of leaving because I feared for my husband’s life and because I loved him and did not know how I was going to leave and make it on my own with our child. All that fear kept me with him and kept me miserable. What I learned is that nothing could be as miserable as the feelings I had while we were together. The fears and sadness I had when I left went away. The pain that is debilitating will pass if you just give it time.
You can stay with him and start to take the steps you need to in order to leave him physically. You just need to get strong and work on you and your issues. Put the focus on you now and it will get easier to leave. I recommend reading all of the posts here and all of my articles in this blog as they will really help give you the tools you need to work on yourself.
My book may really be helpful as well but the key is to get a support system; a therapist, support group, friends, anyone who can help you when you need it. Get educated on addiction and then get educated on YOU!
Please keep me posted, I am here to help you through this. Just know that there is hope and you can be happy again without him, I am living and breathing proof.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

MOEMENSI
2:37 pm February 23rd, 2015

I am so frustrated over my life i dont know when i am write or when i m wrong. I have been so blind to all this drug problem of my husband this weekend i was packing all my shoes and just found my pair of tekkies missing. When i ask him he just say he does not know what happen to it. My fear is that my child of 12 spoke to me last week and she told me she was crying at school and the teacher ask her what is wrong. She told the teacher her father is abusing me and he is not even supporting us and she told the teacher that i had to come to work with a blue eye. She even told the teacher that there is days that I don’t sleep for 2 to 3 days and when she come from school she find him sleeping and she told the teacher that when he hit me he log the door and hide the key. She told me mommy my father was selling his shirts last week .
I also have a sun that is 17, he goes and works and brings money and the father just lays on the bed and when he brings money that tomorrow he wants me to give him money because he gave me money. I am so frustrated and i see all these things but I feel sorry for him and every time i leave i just get back after he told me that he will stop. I know i must leave but how do i stop feeling responsible or how do i stop caring.

SO FRUSTRATED AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

stephanie y
5:03 am February 24th, 2015

my boyfriend is an opiate addict.. prescription pills. how can I get over all the hurt he caused to truly help him get the help he needs and get better for us and our children. I feel as though I blame him for his addiction therefore I don’t try to understand. I feel he made the choice and just doesn’t want to stop even though he says he does and begs me to help him says he cant do it on his own.

The Boyfriend of
12:16 pm February 24th, 2015

Thanks for your response above amanda it helps alot. just chiming in because I’ve been in communication, with the girl/addict. I’d say on one hand, i’m holding a boundary, because I have resisted speaking to her, and limiting it to minimal minimal texting. One thing I’ve recognized about myself, is as a friend of/boyfriend of an addict, after being totally insulted, hurt, betrayed and every adjective you can think of..I like many in the past would lash into name calling, which did have consequences on me, because it gave her more ammo to manipulate me with, attack me, blame me, and justify her actions thru manipulation. Around 1 yr ago, someone in Naranon, suggested I set a boundary of “I can’t speak to you until you get 90/90 in Narcotics anonymous”. Yes, I repeated it by text probably dozens and dozens of times, then she showed up at my house (from TX) in the northeast, and caught me out front, and it was tricky.
The point I want to share is, now although its useless for her, I have found it beneficial to me as an instant affirmation, when she tries to make overtures to see me, or communicate. I’m not saying “90/90″ but I do point out that A- I can’t believe anything she says because shes not in recovery B-Shes not treating her disease of addiction, and thats why this and that is this and that with “us”.
She’s a middle age woman who medicates now with zanax and alcohol after years of heroin and cocaine, and she thinks she’s basically not an addict anymore. She’s functional but has the attitude of the disease and the total lack of responsibility for her behaviors..
I have found by me re-stating these things, I’m doing it for me, as a boundary and its like a postive affirmation of the fact that I’m slowly starting to believe that contrary to what I thought before she is an addict. No matter how cunning, her words are, or attractive, or straight appearing she may be, its not about the quantity, its a disease of the attitude.
Of course she retorts with the usual lines “if you loved me you would be nicer to me”, and the ole “i dont do drugs”, or “the reason we’re not moving forward is because of you”…
When i do re-state the facts of her un-treated addiction, she usually will clam up, and that works good for me.
I applaud you on your site, and emphazing the need for education, its only the education in addiction im getting that is helping me slowly believe that THAT is what I stumbled upon with this woman. She doesnt have slurred speech, she’s quite articulate and functional, but her relationship behavior, is horrible across the board, the things she does around her kid, wow, its just amazing she’s allowed to function in society.
The only thing I have control over is to limit my exposure to her. Maybe one day I’ll eliminate contact all together, its going to be hard with the frequency of her visits to my town, and her willfulness to knock on my door. Im not actualy mad at her, which would make it easier i think, i just wish she could back off. I’m told they usually don’t and its up to us to hold the boundary.

tnx again.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:20 pm February 27th, 2015

Moemensi,

First you must make the decision to let go, you cannot do anything until you decide that you are going to follow through 100%. Your children’s lives are on the line because what they are seeing is so unhealthy that it is affecting them dearly. If you feel bad for your husband, feel 100X more sorry for your children who are suffering so much they cry at school and your son is working to support his family instead of the other way around.
Let that frustration and anger be used as fuel to let go of your husband. Addiction is selfish, the addict will use and abuse anyone to get what they need, loved ones included.
You are asking what to do and you cannot do anything until you make up your mind to do it. Once you do that, please click on my name, Amanda Andruzzi, in this blog and read all of the articles, there are step-by-step instructions on how to start this process.
You can leave emotionally before you leave physically, you just have to make up your mind to do that. Your husband needs help you cannot give him and by letting him stay you are enabling him to stay sick. If you feel sorry for him, let him go so he can get help for himself.
Please keep reading and make a plan to start detaching yourself from your husband and get help for you and your children. You all deserve a happy, healthy and peaceful life and with an active addict in your life that is impossible.
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:33 pm February 27th, 2015

Stephanie Y,

Thank you for sharing Stephanie.
Why do you feel that it is your responsibility to help your boyfriend? An addict that says they want to do it on their own is just biding time. Most of us try to help, fix, support, love an addict and in return we just get more lies, manipulation and more of the same old.
If your boyfriend was serious about recovery, he would have checked himself into rehab yesterday. With addicts, talk is cheap, as a co-addict, I learned the hard way that an addict will play on your emotions, pull on your heartstrings so they can use longer. Excuses are what you are hearing.
Feel bad for yourself and your children for what he is putting you through while he is getting high. If an addict wants to quit, you can let them know you will be there to support them at that time but not until then. I have been through this myself and I help support woman and men like you every day. I try to give insight that I wish I had had when I was going through this.
Each situation may be different but all addicts are very similar. They all chose drugs first and will do anything they need to, to get it. This is not your problem, nor your responsibility to fix, your only responsibility is for yourself and your children.
Focus on you, getting yourself support so that you can let him go. Find a therapist, support group, online support, and/or al-anon to help you understand your part in his addiction and how the only way things will change is by YOU changing them, not waiting for him to make changes or make failed attempts at change. Enabling is something that happens without our recognition because addicts are just that good at blindsiding those around them.
Don’t be a victim in this, use your strength (and it is there, believe me), to get the help for you, let him worry about himself, and in the process you might actually help him get into recovery a lot quicker. But regardless of his condition, you and your children need to be okay and living with an addict I doubt that is the situation.
It took me 12 years to leave my addict husband and nothing changed until I changed. My book, Hope Street, is a detailed memoir of my journey with addiction from the perspective of the co-addict. Keep me posted. I appreciate feedback.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
5:42 pm February 27th, 2015

The boyfriend of,
I think you are right, you said it yourself, you have the power to stop the contact and YOU WILL, when you are ready. I hope writing here is cathartic for you, we appreciate your input.
Who SHE really is, she doesn’t even know because she has been suppressing that person for a long, long time. But it is a good thing that you are in a good place. My concern is with you and not with her. You are okay and that is okay by me!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

jen
6:16 pm February 28th, 2015

My boyfriend has an opiate addiction which he recently has been detoxing…..he has lied to me for approx two months until i caught him….so he says he is thankful that i did and that i have stuck by him….but he from stole my prescription pills last night and i caught him today….’he cries and says he is sorry…….he had to get drunk last night …..he says he respects me but im not feeling it. I am a talented beautiful woman…I have alot to offer and love to give …I know relationships and people all of us not perfect but am I being smart……how or what is the answer if any at all……is this what happens when you get deep in a relationship……because it seems to me when i hear of most relationships the deeper you get lies…..lnfidelity….couples separate ..i thought your relationship gets better?

Amanda Andruzzi
3:49 pm March 2nd, 2015

Jen,
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Addicts in general are not known for their honesty. I would recommend taking what he says with a grain of salt and educate yourself on addiction. He probably was using longer and if he is sneaking pills he probably was never sober.
I have been in two marriages, 12 years with an addict and 4 with a non-addict, 1 and 2 children respectively. There is a big difference; you can never get close to an addict because the drug comes first. I tried for 12 years and one daughter later to no avail. An addictive relationship cannot be compared to a normal relationship with a healthy man. Yes everyone has issues but addiction is not a normal problem. You cannot be in a real relationship with an active addict, you cannot fix him, get him help or make him sober. You can only get help for yourself.
Jen, I was 19 when I met my first husband and I knew nothing about addiction or relationships. If someone would have told me what I know now I may have saved 12 years of pain and being a single mother. This is why I try to help other women and men in love with an addict. I want to help them understand this is not normal and there is more than meets the eye. My book Hope Street, is my memoir of my last year with an addict. I thought I could never leave or be happy with anyone and addiction had sealed my fate.
When I left, penniless, I had to start over. It was the best thing I ever did. Now I am married to a wonderful man and we have 2 more children. I also learned the reasons I fell for an addict, why it was my issues that kept me stuck and how to get myself better because I could never help him successfully. Reading my memoir may give you a glimpse of what the next 12 years of your life might look like if you don’t make a change. Please get educated on addiction, co-addiction, and enabling so you know what you are dealing with and then get help for yourself. Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and 20+ articles will come up to help you move on from this. I am here to help so keep me posted.
Best, Amanda Andruzzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Anna
5:50 pm March 3rd, 2015

Hello what group therapt do you recommend for my daughter to leave her drug addict boyfrind shes in denial

meomemsi
8:17 am March 4th, 2015

Good Day

I have moved out of my home and in with my daugther , my husband come there yesterday with a letter from sanca that he is going for terapy and i have told him that he ,, need to go to rehab before terapy .He stil say that he will kill himself if i dont come home but as things are now i am not going back to him . He is so sick he say the only way he will go to rehab is if i come home and i have told him no way i am comig home .Ican see my kids are so happy and we have a family time after i come from work .You blog have helped me alot and some of the things in the block that open my eyes to the problem i will update you and he keep on telling me that he will kill me if i dont come home so that is so frstrating but as i say leaving is astate of mind and after that is for your own safety

Amanda Andruzzi
6:36 pm March 4th, 2015

Anna,

Unfortunately you cannot insist your daughter go for help but you can try to set up a therapist for her. However, if she does not think it is a problem it is not very likely that she will talk about what is really wrong and get the appropriate help.
You should look for a therapist in your area that specializes in addiction and set up an appointment for her, maybe send her some of the articles here in my blog, defining co-addiction, there are quite a few. Just click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of them will come up. I wish you the best.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:39 pm March 4th, 2015

Moemensi,

That is excellent news! Thank you for sharing that. Things will get easier over time and I am glad your children are already happier. This is the peace you have all been looking for.
If he kills himself, which he will do by drinking, it is not your fault, nor your responsibility. Do not let him guilt you into going back to an unhealthy place. Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

holly
3:39 am March 6th, 2015

I was married to an addict not quite 6 months before he started drinking and got caught he was in jail I should say prison for two and a half years got out started drinking we had a baby he continued drinking started smoking pot doing pills got 2 DUI’s getting revoked on the 20 years he had previously before I knew him I have divorced him he is back in jail now calling me saying he has found God wants to change wants to get remarried… my family and everyone says do not believe him I am so confused because I still love him I know how he is when he is sober with no drugs.. I am completely lost with no one to talk to that will not make me feel bad about talking to him and writing him please help

Dee
7:12 am March 6th, 2015

Hi Amanda. I posted late last year about my ex and I splitting up 3 weeks before our wedding when he went off on one of his benders, the 10th one in the 19 months i was with him. Its been over 4 months now since we split and im still struggling. It was all made worse by him contacting me about a montb ago saying how sorry he was for what had happened blah blah blah and wanting to see me. I agreed but we werent in contact for 24hrs and he let me down again, promising to call me etc and not doing it and turning his phone off again so i messaged him and told him that i couldnt go through it all again with him but i did love him and was prepared to talk with him if there was any chance of things being different. But of course i havent heard from him since. I have heard that he has been drinking really heavily and pulled the disappearing trick with his parents where he was staying and they had no idea where he was, just like he used to do to me. I was told he was at a motel drinking himself stupid. Why do i still love him and want him back???? I know im so much better off without him, without the constant churning in my stomach waiting for him to go on his next binge, but i do miss him so much. I havent been able to find a job despite applying for anything that comes up and taking resumes to different places and i have financial worrues as well as feeling completely useless. I feel like im such a failure, at 51 years old i have no job, no money and cant seem to find a decent relationship. I just wish i could get him out of my head and my heart. When does it ever end?? Thanks for your advice.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:52 pm March 6th, 2015

Holly,
My expertise is really in helping women get out of an unhealthy relationship with an addict. You have successfully done that and you want to go back. I cannot tell you how to live your life but I can only help you understand the patterns of addiction. Addicts will lie and manipulate to get what they want. Some do recover but you will know the difference. Even if he is sober, that is something he needs to prove being on his own and over time. If you get back together with him it may hinder or distract his recovery if he is serious. That is the reason why they suggest addicts not start or restart relationships for a while, a year or longer. They have to commit to sobriety and I would suggest waiting so you can see if it is for real.
If I told you how many times woman went back after their husband told them they were clean, only to find that they relapsed or lied about their sobriety, I would be able to fill another book.
I think the safe and healthy decision to make is to take this time to work on you, to heal and to figure out why you chose a relationship of this nature. We all choose our partners for underlying reasons and if we can figure out what need they fulfilled then maybe next time we won’t make the same mistakes.
I realized 12 years into my marriage with an addict that I had deep seeded fears of letting go, of abandonment and I needed to increase my self confidence and self-efficacy so that I was able to be on my own. Do not be afraid of your feelings and do not be embarrassed of them, you need to work through them and get to the bottom of them.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
6:20 pm March 6th, 2015

Dee,
Thank you for sharing that, I know that must not be easy to talk about. You are always welcome and wanted here.
You are not worthless, a failure or anything of the kind. You are a kind and caring person who is lost at this moment. With a little perspective and a boost of confidence you would not be feeling this way or falling back into old patterns. When we feel alone or lost we tend to go back to what is familiar and comfortable and your ex is both of those things. Sometimes the drama of addiction helps us feel alive, needed and gives us something in our lives we might be missing.
I can promise you if you go back to him in any way things will be the same and you will be worse off. The key is to realize that this is more about you than him right now. You may be broke and unemployed but that does not define you. You need to start doing things that make you feel good about who you are. I would suggest going to an interview or going to a place you want to work and offering to work for free for the first few weeks or a month and if they like what they see they can hire you. Find support in the people that love and really know you, friends and family. You need to start feeling good about yourself again and find your self worth in the type of person you are not from the situation you are in. Sometimes putting yourself out there, being positive helps open doors. When we feel bad, we tend to do things that are unhealthy or hide because we feel that way inside.
Dee, try and get out of your own head for a while. You do not need money to do things that make you feel good about yourself. Start by taking a brisk walk in the sun every day instead of calling your ex and see how you feel afterwards. Stay motivated, things will come if you keep at it. I had my house and everything I owned taken away, I was penniless with a child and I could not find work. I did not have a choice, I had to get up each morning and take care of my child and it forced me to not give up. Sometimes it is one opportunity, that is all you need to change your life. I found a job and I was great at it and that gave me the confidence I had been lacking and that exchange helped me as a person. You can do the same.
Keep me posted.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Edward
11:37 pm March 6th, 2015

i have tried everything to help my addicted son. All kinds of rehab. Sent him to a different state. He has been there six months. There is no change or it has gotten worse. In and out of half way houses. Now he is out on the street. I have paid for everything. I decided yesterday i have to walk away. It is not easy but i have to do it as it is destroying my health. My ex who has done nothing to help doesn’t understand it. i refuse to answer hers or his calls. The only thing that bothers me is i will be blamed if he dies.

noemi
9:36 pm March 8th, 2015

It’s gonna be 3 months since I kicked my ex out n yes I missed him at first,but just thinking of what he put me through was enough to give me strength not to take him back.Now I careless about him n his life,I’m finally in that place in my heart where I have peace,n peace in my home..my lil girl n I are happy.I still read your blogs n stories because of you I’m in this place a peaceful place ..thank you Amanda

Amanda Andruzzi
1:30 pm March 9th, 2015

Noemi,
Thank you so much for sharing that. I am so proud of you. I try to tell people, like anything, the beginning is the hardest part but it gets better and you know that firsthand now.
I am really excited that you have found peace and this is still only the beginning, it will continue to get better as you get better and heal. I am so glad you shared this with us and happy that my blog helps you. Please keep me posted Noemi, I am so happy for you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

moemensi
3:27 pm March 9th, 2015

hello everyone i have moved back to my husband .. ..i feel that i have diappoint my kids and my son of 17 have moved to his sister .
My husband is going to a 12 step program and he made a promised to stop with the drugs my main concern now is that my son does not speak to me or to the father ……….. and that the father is not even doing anything to get my son back home i am now so disipointed in myself and i feel that i have fail my kids … most of all my son of 17 .
My husband say he can lose his kids but he is not restoring the relationship with our son i am trying to help him get true this but what about my son that is full of anger .. PLEASE help me i feel that i have lost him and the father just say he will regret the disition to move out

Amanda Andruzzi
3:55 pm March 9th, 2015

Moemensi,

Thanks for coming back. There is no judgement here and none of this is easy. I understand how you were doing so much better without your husband and I know the risks and going back is one of them. I cannot tell you what to do regarding your son, he obviously has good reason to be angry but you cannot repair their relationship, you are only responsible for your relationship with your son. I would focus on that. I always believe children come first but I know the push and pull of addiction is strong. You have to do what feels right for you and try and consider your children’s welfare in that decision. I hope things work out for your husband but despite his effort or failures, I hope more, that you do not get caught again in his addiction.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
5:18 pm March 9th, 2015

Edward,
First of all I want to say I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. An addicted child is something I treat differently than a spouse. There is no way to let go completely and move on because this is your own flesh and blood. But there are ways to help him and save yourself. I think you have to let go of what everyone else will think and know that you did the best you could in your heart. You have tried to get him help and there is not much more you can do.
The only thing left is to let him know that you are there if he ever wants to get down to the bottom of why he is using and cannot stop. You may have to let him hit bottom and just let him know you are his parent, you love him and you will always be here to help him get clean if he is serious. It sounds like you may have suggested he get clean and usually that does not work. The addict has to really want if for themselves before you see real change. It is not hopeless, but I agree, your part might be done for now. You can just let anyone who has an issue with you know, you love your son, you would do anything for him, you have tried but right now the only thing you think that might save him is letting him go. Just know psychic childhood scars or underlying mental health issues may have something to do with why he used in the first place and if you can help him figure that out without using it as an excuse or a crutch that may be helpful. I would suggest seeing a therapist with your ex for the sake of your son and then asking him, if he asks for help to come with you so you can get down to the bottom of his drug abuse. I hope this helps and I think letting go, at this point, is the only help you can give your son right now, as hard as that might be. Please keep me posted. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

lexi
4:10 am March 12th, 2015

My boyfriend lives with me is an active meth addict. Unemployed, 28. He is on a waiting list for rehab. He constantly brings drugs home and I catch him. I told him that he cannot use in my home and I kick him out but he will not leave. He says he does not want to lose me and He cries all day. I cant stand the crying!! He begs for a chance to prove he can recover without moving out but I am out of second chances. I want him to recover away from here. I love him but after 24 months I am out if emotions and feel cold. He has no family support ( his mother is an addict and his friends) Only me. Should I care? I feel like I dont!!! I need to evict him or wait out till rehab calls. Ugh!!

Amanda Andruzzi
4:32 pm March 12th, 2015

Lexi,
You don’t sound even a little bit cold. You are dealing with someone’s problems that are not your own. You are supporting someone who is using meth in your home, has no money but finds a way to get drugs and somehow feels that you are responsible to take care of him and get him help. He needs to get his own help and you should not have to live like this anymore.
Addicts look out for number one, their drugs and keeping themselves in a situation that makes it easy to use.
If you kicked him out, he would probably have a harder time using right? He may fall in his addiction a lot faster and maybe have to get help a lot sooner. By allowing him to not be in recovery and supporting him, is actually not only hurting him, but more importantly it is hurting you.
Please read Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for Families and Treating Codependency and the other articles I have written in this blog that might seriously help you. Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and all of my articles will come up.
I know it seems cruel and harsh, but if you turn the view a bit, look at it from another perspective. This man is coming into your home, not pulling his own weight, bringing illegal drugs into your home, endangering your life, being high around you, and making you unhappy, worried, and angry on a daily basis.
When I was married to an addict, what I realized that by leaving him I was not being cruel, in fact what addicts do to us are cruel, however, if we allow it to happen we are partially responsible.
Lexi, I would not tell you what to do, but I can tell you from experience, you need to make a change and if that means calling the police to have him and his things removed from your home and changing your locks then that is what it might have to be.
You are not cruel or cold, what you will be doing is looking out for your own health and sanity, just like he is begging you so that he can continue to get high.
There are lists for rehab, but if he has nothing and owns nothing, he can go to a local hospital and say he is withdrawing from drugs and they will help him, so don’t think he has nowhere to get help. As much as he does to score his drugs, if he took half that effort to get clean, he would be sober already. I hope you make a decision that is right for you because you deserve to be happy and you do not deserve to have to live this way.
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, HOPE STREET, a memoir from a CO-ADDICT

MOEMENSI
1:10 pm March 13th, 2015

i everyone i have told you in the previous respond that i have moved back home .But i have this feeling in me that does not go away….. i dont love my husband anymore i and trying to get the feeling back but it feels like all the love in me is dead ………..i see my husband cry and he keep on telling me that he can see that i dont love him anymore ……..i remember there was a time in my life where i used to cry and tel him that i love him and all i got back is abuse was abuse .i feel sorry for him but there is nothing i can do all the love is gone and i am with him because i feel sorry thats all ………….he kep on asking me please give me back the love and comfort we had and i keep on saying yes but i am to scared to tell him how i dont feel anything ……he always say that if i leave he will kill himself ..but i cant go on like this and i cant be with someone that i have no feelings for …
it feels that it is unfair to him but when i think back off al the times i used to cryand bag him to stop i just cry ……..i have even spoke to god this morning and you know what i have said to god PLEASE GOD forgive me i know that you want me to make this work but i cant because my love is no more in this marriadge and i have ask GOD not to hold ot against me

Amanda Amdruzzi
5:19 pm March 13th, 2015

Moemensi,

You have moved on emotionally from your marriage and that is not a bad thing. You have endured years of abuse and sometimes there is no going back and it seems this is the case. It is okay to leave an unhappy and unhealthy situation for you and it is okay to stop loving a person who has hurt you and your children for years.
Do not feel bad for him, but try to move on with your life so you don’t waste any more of your time with him.
Best, Amamda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

kathleen
7:17 pm March 13th, 2015

why do i feel down with him im not a addict an wont b i like my life this way but living with a addict for 10 yrs its hard on me trying to help him i feeling sorry for him hes not taking his Dietic meds i try an feel like leaving him but somehow i cannot i dont know why sometimes i feel like nobody no one cant feel what im going through

Anya
4:20 am March 15th, 2015

I left my alcoholic partner of 2 1/2 years a few days ago. When we started dating it was long distance so it wasn’t until I quit my job, relocated to a new city to be with her, that I found out that she had a problem with abusing alcohol. The first 8 months of living together were pretty bad. Anytime we were out in a social situation she would get so drunk that she couldn’t function and would embarrass herself and me. She was also a very mean and buligurant drunk. We fought all the time. When I finally got the nerve to ask her to stop drinking, she started hiding it from me and lying to me. Eventually her parents got involved and rallied around her to seek help. She started seeing a councelor and going to AA. She promised me that she was going to change and that she loved me and that “no drink was worth losing me over” I did love her and wanted to believe that she would be able to get it together. At first things were good and she was the person that fell in love with again. Slowly I started to get the feeling that she was back to her old tricks and my fear and worry and distrust started taking over my everyday life. I questioned her a few times about wether or not she was drinking again. She maintained that she was in AA and doing everything right to try and show me that she had changed. I noticed that she started chewing gum all the time although I could still smell alcohol on her. I told myself at the time that I was just being paranoid and of courses she wasn’t drinkinh again. Last week I caught her in an elaborate lie and even after giving her every opportunity to come clean and to just be honest with me she still wouldn’t. I told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t trust and that I could no longer do this anymore. At first she begged and pleaded for me to give her another chance and that she would show me that she can change. As hard as it was to walk away I did and since I have been trying to find a new place to live and she has been texting me and shaming me for giving up on us and her. I know they she is hurting and so am I. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I feel like it would just be easier to stay and forgive but I also have been unhappy for a while now and it doesn’t seem fair for me to live in a constant state of fear and distrust. I know that only I can know what the right decision is for me, it’s just been very hard. I’m struggling with my decision. Did I do something wrong by leaving her?

Sara
4:21 am March 15th, 2015

I have been thinking about leaving my husband he is a addict he pops pills and sometimes he steals my medicine I have a mental illness i have noticed that my medicine runs out before the end of the month because he steals it from me we have been married for five years and this has been happening the whole time the only thing that I am worried about is if I leave him he won’t have anyone to help him pay off his fines and he will end up back in jail and I don’t want that but I can’t live like this anymore it has been going on for a long time and I want out of this relationship but I don’t know how to break away from him

Lost
2:33 pm March 15th, 2015

My relationship with my boyfriend of 16 years has ended.I discovered 5 years ago that he was smoking Heroin. I tried to help him as much as I could.at first I only had suspicions but then I started finding burnt pieces of tinfoil in his pockets and then the lies started.hed disappear for hours on end, wouldn’t answer his phone and then come up with some excuse as to why he wasn’t around.anyway to cut a long story short Christmas 2013 was the year his whole family found out about his problem.he was so out of it that he ruined Christmas for everyone.i told his parents that unless he got help I would have to leave with our two kids as I couldn’t stick it anymore.anyway he went into detox for 6 wks and then started a day service to help him overcome his problems.at first when he came out of detox we were really close but after a few wks in the day service he started distancing himself from me and the kids and going out drinking and not coming home.i started to suspect that he was fooling around with one of girls there and got my confirmation that he was, he had also relapsed.i asked him to leave and he did and he is now in a relatsionship with this girl who is also a recovering addict and I have to meet them at least twice a week walking around together like he doesn’t have a care in the world while he’s left me with a mortgage that I can’t afford to pay.he hardly ever shows up for his kids and I just feel lost.i really loved him and I don’t know how to move forward.i among to counselling but I don’t feel any stronger 10 wks later.im angry with him for putting me through the drug abuse and the torment when he was using to turn around when he’s finally clean to go off with another addict.we had been arguing alot before he left because he was out drinking so much and I knew something was happening with this girl.before that things were tense because he was finding it difficult being drug free.i don’t understand how he could do this to me and the kids after everything we had been through.all the calls from detox telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to keep his family together to turn around then and start something with another addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:29 pm March 16th, 2015

Kathleen,
I promise you are not alone and you are heard here. All of us here are living or have lived with an addict, but I know how alone it can feel like. When I was married to my ex-husband who was an active addict for 12 years, I felt completely alone and that is why I created this blog and that is why I wrote my book, Hope Street. I wanted other people to feel understood and to know that there is help. If you keep reading the other articles in this blog, by clicking on Amanda Andruzzi, you will find a bunch of articles that might help you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:45 pm March 16th, 2015

Anya,
You did nothing wrong by leaving her. You cannot live with and have a relationship with someone who is actively using. The lying is part of their addiction but it does not make it any easier to swallow. You are with someone you CANNOT trust and who does not have your best interest at heart. An addict will lie, manipulate and make you feel crazy while they are using the whole time. It is a game they play and we try to put the pieces of this puzzle together when really the whole time the answer is simple, they are using. If she were in recovery you would know it and those little feeling you get are justified, don’t doubt them.
In my situation, I had those feelings all of the time and let my ex-husband convince me I was wrong or crazy or paranoid but I never was.
You did what was right because it is you are not capable of having a relationship with a person who is already involved in a relationship with their drug of choice. You are not making a mistake or being selfish, you are doing something that is healthy for you and that is okay. You are allowed to be happy and have peace in your life. Living with that horrible gut feeling in the pit of your stomach and looking at the person you love right in the eye and know that they are lying to you is no way to live. You just have to make sure you find some help for you to deal with all of your emotions so that you do not go back. Believe me, living with an addict is not easier than being on your own. The pain and love you had for them will lessen and go away, but the addiction you have to live with will be something that you will live with everyday and it never feels okay. Please educate yourself on addiction and co-addiction so you will be able to make an informed decision and know exactly what you are dealing with. I hope this helps. Keep posting. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Amanda Andruzzi
1:57 pm March 16th, 2015

Sara,
If you are unhappy and have made the decision that you have tried everything you can and cannot live this way anymore then; you are not responsible for his life, his addiction, or his bills.
If you are ready to leave him, it is not always easy at first because when we love someone we feel like we are abandoning them and feelings of fear and guilt sometimes take over. You have to have the initial courage to leave and then those feelings will subside. The important thing is that you are doing what you need to do and he will be forced to take care of himself. You should not feel bad or guilty that he cannot manage his own life and by enabling him, you are allowing him to stay sick. If his life falls apart without you, then that will be a consequence to his drug abuse and something that might actually help him get sober sooner.
It would be wise to understand more about addicts so that you know what you are dealing with but it would be even wiser to educate yourself on your part of this addictive cycle so that you can make a change and get out of it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to change your life and be happy and healthy.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:08 pm March 16th, 2015

Lost,
That is a name I once thought I owned. I was married to an addict for 12 years and we had a child. Towards the end, he was cheating (and maybe before I will never know), he left us in debt, we lost our home, everything, and was dating other women, showing off girlfriends to our old friends. I was heartbroken. I was sad and miserable with no hope and then something clicked. My mother told me a while back that if I wanted revenge that the best revenge would be happiness! I thought she was joking. I found a job I loved, I found a little place I could afford, and I let him go.
You think he is happy with this person, but it sounds like the drinking is just another type of addiction. One day he may realize that he abandoned his children and family but you cannot wait around until that day occurs. You have to get on with your life for your sake and for the sake of your children.
File for the appropriate child support and leave him alone. You cannot force someone to be a part of your child’s life so you can be the present and strong parent. I realized I had to work with what I had and it turned out to be very humbling, inspiring, life-affirming all at once and I was given a second chance. This might be your second chance so I recommend you take it and let him has his life. The pain and sadness will go away in time. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of what you are going through right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel, there is Hope. I have been where you are and 5 years later I am in a great place in my life and my ex-husband is nowhere to be found. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Lost
10:41 pm March 16th, 2015

Thanks Amanda for getting bck to me.i appreciate it a lot.this day last year i cried my eyes out because my ex partner had entered detox but i was also so so proud of him for putting himself and his family first and doing his best to be the man that i knew he was.back then i had so much hope for our future and our family only for it to end the way it has.he has blamed me for not supporting him through his recovery yet i was there all the time to love and support him even when he was freaking out over nothing.i tried to understand how hard it was for him to stay clean but no matter what I said or done I was wrong in his eyes.He even tried to blame me for his relapse even though it was this new girl who was with him at the time (behind my bck).I’m so scared at what is going to happen in the future in regards to our home, our lives and I know I have to dust myself off and get on with it but I feel like I’m stuck on a merry go round. I want not to love him anymore and I want to be happy.when I think of the physical and emotional abuse that I suffered when he was using I can’t believe I allowed myself to go there yet now he’s clean and could be a functional part of mine and our kids live’s he decided it was better to start something new with someone else rather than fix ourrelatsionship because it was a great relatsionship before the drugs took over.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:04 pm March 17th, 2015

Lost,
If you get a chance please pick up my book, Hope Street. You can get the ebook or hard copy in archway’s website, Amazon, B&N and most women say they can’t put it down and finish it in one sitting.
I wrote the book for this very reason, to help people know how they feel is something I understand and to give you hope, hope that there is happiness on the other side.
You sound like you are in the thick of it and that is where’s book begins. Youay not be ready to move on just yet, but one, he did you the favor by leaving, two, all those feelings you have do go away over time if you allow yourself to go through them, and three, don’t give up on support or therapy, it works if you find the right one and if you stay with it.

Time heals all wounds and I can promise you one thing, nothing you are going through or will with your house or losing the father of your children will ever be as bad as what you felt while he was using in front of you and your kids. It will be scary and sad and hurt at times but it will be replaced by peace, sanity and eventually happiness if you stay headed in the right direction. I am not telling you something I haven’t experienced myself, I have been where you are, a single parent, hopeless, broken-hearted and penniless. I here to tell you there is hope and when you are ready and the sadness lifts a little you will want better for you and your children.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a me
Our from a co-addict

Shanda
6:32 pm March 18th, 2015

Hi I have been in a relationship with an addict for ten months now but I have known him for a life time. He is a very caring man when he is not using. When we first got together he was just on the methadone but taking a high dose so he would sleep a lot & of course that caused problems. I am a single parent two beautiful children and went through a terrible marriage and divorce three years ago. I loved this man despite no job and his methadone addiction because I thought it would get better & for the first time in a long time I was in love again. Because he couldn’t stay awake with the methadone he started using speed to stay awake and that started a whole new problem. The speedballing made him mean & completely changed who he was. He would do it get bad then come back to reality be great then another repeat. This went on for months!!! Finally I kicked him out then he got help starting meeting quit the dope and we started talking again. Evan after all the damage I still cared for him so I gave it another try. All the lying drugs arguing is hard to get over! He’s been in church now has a job but it’s just not there between us like it was. I hate feeling every time we argue he’s gonna use because that’s what he threatens. Even after him doing what I asked with the meeting and work and stopping dope I still can’t handle the high dose of methadone and him nodding out. I called it off this morning but I feel like I’m giving up on him if I don’t stick it out. He says I’m changing I’m changing and he is in some ways but the manipulation is not healthy. Help why do I feel so guilt and should I be hanging in here to see if he really is trying to change. I know what I want and it feels so far away with him. Having two brothers who are addicts and a recovering mother I’m tired and I need someone to take care of me. Help my heart hurts today.

the boyfriend of
6:31 am March 19th, 2015

Hi Amanda,

Just wanted to comment again, I appreciated one of your comments recent that your husband convinced you you were wrong crazy and paranoid.
I had a new epiphany last weekend, as predicted my addict girlfriend did come to town and I sucessfully diverted seeing her or speaking to her on the phone for my own emotional safety.
I believe very strongly that having visual or voice communication with her will completely derail my recovery from the affects of being in love with an addict.
My new awareness is by text, i try to stick to “my topic” which is the fact that she didnt agree to my terms last fall, of how we could proceed forward in a healthy relationship or friendship. I mailed it to her, to sign and return, she basically refused. Was a boundary for me.
Instead of talking about my topic she constantly turns to make me feel wrong, crazy and paranoid that the things im worried about, her infidelities dont exist, that its all my imagination.
Well, now Im beginning to try instead of responding with ” well here’s why im right” when in fact, she’s so cleverly can put doubt in my head….i now recognize her “disagreement, diflection” or even silence as a manipulation I will not win.
Whether a discussion of semantics she will say about her husband “we’re not a couple anymore i dont get what is your problem”,,,well she’s still married, but if i respond with that, will be only more ping pong, so Im trying to take the “manipulation” as a red flag sign of the disease and remind myself to back off, and put a boundary of space time and emotional distance.
Im practicing, its not easy, but if i engage in dialog she has a skill like nobody i’ve ever met, she will begin to convince me I am crazy and paranoid…she will do anything to accomplish that, thats what active addicts who are using do im learning. its constant, and it never stops.

Tnx for listening.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:00 pm March 19th, 2015

My ex-hisband made me feel crazy and made me doubt myself everyday. I would see things and he would tell me I was not seeing them. People would tell me the truth and he would twist it so much that by the end I would side with him. Addicts lie and even when you tell them the truth would hurt less, they liesome more. It is better not to listen and know your gut is right then to entertain their stories.
It took me 12 years to trust myself and stop doubting myself. The doubt is only a way of deflecting the real issue which wood force us to leave the addict.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir of a co-addict

MOEMENSI
2:50 pm March 19th, 2015

Good Day
Iam so frustarted with my situation my husband is now in a 12 step program it is now for 2weeks and 3days he told me last weerk that he is not smoking anymore .Ihave ask him to do a test yesterday it came out nagitive my point is latweek friday i have ask him if he is stil smoking he told me now but ican see his glosy pupils and his face is so thin .and i have this gut feeling that he is stil smoking but have no prrof .My thing is i have told him on suterday i want to leave and i dont want him anymore now his test is negative and now i dont know how to feel .Ijust stop and tell myself maybe he is realy stopping but i cant stop this gut feeling i have .My thing is this is the seond time he is stopping the first time he was so sick he couldent eat and he was sleeping alot and he had stomack pains now he stopped he is not even sick at all he tested positive for morfine but the day before he drink betapyn pils PLAESE I AM SO CONFUSED

Amanda Andruzzi
4:22 pm March 19th, 2015

Moemensi,

If you get a chance, please pick up my book, Hope Street, it is a memoir of my life with my addict husband. If you read it, it may help you understand addiction and the feelings you are feeling.
I can tell you one thing I learned; your gut is always right. If he is not smoking and came up positive for something else then he is still using. An addict in recovery should be clean of all substances. They will always try to say the test is not right or it is because of something else but go with your gut. You know by his behavior if he is using.
Also, you are getting caught up in his addiction again and if you set boundaries and he breaks them that should be something you stick to, no pushback. You were getting peace without him and with him it is difficult to be happy so for me the choice is obvious but I know for you it is hard to see, but I have been there and sometimes reading or knowing someone else’s story might help you understand what is happening and give you strength.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

rachel
11:12 am March 20th, 2015

Hi iv been married for 6 months and my husband has been takin coke every weekend and never comes home and cant wait to be away from and and our son… hes states that he loves me and our son but he lets me down every weekend and some week days… i have had several ultermatum with him and took him back but it quickly gets back to where hes at a t house party and doesnt come home while im lying in bed so worried.. he now says he needs help and needs to be alone to do that… i feel powerless im his wife i want to help him… shoukd i just let him go? Im confused? He says he cant be with me beacuse he cant stop hurting me… hes left me and moved in with his dad to try and sort him self out but states even if he gets better our relationship will never be the same…. how can this happen we were so happy apart from the going missing and coke using please help

Amanda Andruzzi
5:23 pm March 20th, 2015

Shanda,
I am sorry your heart hurts, unfortunately this is a common when loving an addict. You are with someone who is still actively using because he is not in full recovery. Methadone is a gateway to sobriety, not a permanent coma state. It sounds like he still has the attitude of an addict and the ups and downs are difficult to navigate for you. The inconsistency is difficult for anyone and because you are not happy does not make you a bad person and does not mean you are giving up. I think you chose an addict because this is familiar to you, having two brothers and your mother as addicts, make it a way of life for you. This must have been very difficult for you to live with growing up and I am sure you had to make sacrifices and be the responsible one as a way of life. We tend to repeat what we know and try to fix it with the person we love. I am glad you recognize that this is not the life you want and you are not a bad person for wanting a normal, healthy relationship.
Sometimes there is just too much damage done and it is best to move on. You have a lot of healing and work to do to get down to the bottom of why this man is someone you would allow into your life and the lives of your children. It is easy for me to say the best thing is to walk away because I know how hard that actually is but I would not tell you that without having been where you are myself. I know, from personal experience, that walking away is probably your best shot at being happy and finding a healthy relationship.
Keep reading about addiction and co-addiction and codependency. There is little chance you escaped a life surrounded by addicts and didn’t cope by living as a co-addict. That may be the very reason you allowed an addict into your life and it may be understanding that which will help you find the strength to leave and to want something more. Keep posting, I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
5:33 pm March 20th, 2015

Rachel,
I know it is difficult to hear but the life you had, if your husband was disappearing on weekends, may have seemed happy, but I can promise you is not the kind of happiness you deserve. You are taking care of your child while he goes out and gets high and as a co-addict, we tend to rationalize things to make it feel okay.
I was with an addict for 12 years, six years of marriage and we had one child and our stories, just like the many stories you will read here are very similar. We live for the addict, around the addict and enable the addict and we end up with nothing to show for it. If we were healthy individuals with self confidence and a sense of self-efficacy, we would walk away, even if we love the man we married because we would not want anyone to treat us this way or our child.
We have to look within ourselves and figure out why we are longing for a relationship with a person who is INCAPABLE of loving anyone else but themselves and their drug. Addiction is selfish and as a co-addict we are the ones making all of the sacrifices.
When my husband disappeared, he left without a trace, left me as a single mother, in his debt and it was actually a blessing. He did me a favor, because it gave me the opportunity to worry about myself and my daughter and made me get strong. Perhaps he did you a favor too, by giving you that opportunity and allowing you the room to find a healthy and happy relationship with someone else.
Between active using, addicts can be the most amazing people and that is what keeps us from letting go but to live for those brief, fleeting moments does not add up to a full life but more of a life of disappointment, loneliness and heartbreak.
My book, Hope Street, is a memoir about my time with an addict. I hope you get a chance to read it, I believe it is really helpful for most people going through this and may shine a light on things.
Keep me posted, I want to help!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

rachel
6:11 pm March 20th, 2015

Thank you so much for you post back… i know everything you say is right and i do deserve better i feel like i have been treated like a complete mug.. i have let my self and my son get treated this way so i need to be strong and think like what you said im cryin and unhappy missing the guy he was some of the time not the guy he actually is… it hurts to think he doesn’t want to be with me any more becasue i havent done any thing wrong i cook clean wash and bring up our son and he dissappears every weekend and totally forgets about us… eveyone says im better off with out him… maybe they are right… i do love him and wish he was the man i used to know… but at the moment i know he knows hes not that person so the easiest thing for him to do is walk away from our marrige.. thank you for your ssupport

Amanda Andruzzi
3:45 pm March 23rd, 2015

Rachel,
Of course you are a good wife and mother, an addict usually chooses a competent person because they will pick up where they lack and because they lack so much, co-addict are usually extraordinary people.
Do not doubt yourself now. He did you a favor because you were too blinded to see what was going on and now you have n choice. In time, you will see this as a good thing. You will be able to really be present in your life as an individual and a mother. I hope you keep moving forward. Stay strong, all of the people who said him leaving is a good thing are very smart people who must love you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Edward
5:02 pm March 23rd, 2015

I thank you for your kind words and advice. Since i wrote to you my son has returned home. He told me that me not answering his calls made him hit the bottom. He has been good . But now we start with the courts

Amanda Andruzzi
5:35 pm March 23rd, 2015

Edward,
You are very welcome. I am glad what you did helped him. Now is the time to not bend and stick to your boundaries. You will help him to get clean and only be in his life if he is clean.
I am not sure what you mean by the courts, if he is under the age of 18, this may be to your benefit. A court may mandate rehab. Please know he needs you now more than ever but this part can be tricky, if you enable him, that is not helpful, but loving him and holding him responsible for his actions or inaction is key. Now is the opportunity to delve deep into the real reasons he uses drugs; underlying mental illness, psychic scars, self medication, etc.
Don’t give up but more importantly don’t give in!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Leave a Reply

About Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness and Hamptons SUP, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and 1 year old son on the North Fork of Long Island.