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How to let go of an addict

How to let go of an addict

Letting go of an addict can seem like a huge task. It helps to break it down into smaller steps, and to make steady progress towards the life you want. Here, we review practical tips and suggestions for how to let go of an addict. Then, we invite you to share more about your situation in the comments section below. We try to respond to all comments personally and promptly!

The concepts of Al-Anon

Six years before I started to consider leaving my addict partner, he had a major relapse and disappeared for the weekend. I stepped into the room of an Al-Anon meeting. I went, half-hearted, because I thought it was something I should do. I learned the terms,“let go and let God,” and “detachment,” in those meetings but I wasn’t ready to do that. I thought if I let go that I would be giving up on him. When my husband would use, I went to meetings to get away from my problems. After a few months, I stopped going.

Years later, when things were spiraling out of control in my marriage, I started to go again. I was desperately looking for answers. I saw the same people, some still living with the addict. Al-Anon teaches that you can emotionally detach from an addict while still being with them physically if they are actively using. I would never be able to accept a life with my husband if I was in recovery, and he was not. I wanted to be with him but refused to continue living with him while he was actively using.

The concepts and approaches discussed in Al-Anon were enlightening. They helped me realize that I had to put the focus on me. Even with this new refreshing insight, I felt a disconnectin the meetings. Though I realized it was not for me, I was still able to take what I needed from those rooms. I forced myself to get up and leave my husband and make a new life for myself and my daughter.  I needed to start treating codependency and behaviors associated with it.

Letting go of an addict starts by finding help

Each co-addict will find their own journey in the recovery process—some will utilize Al-Anon, psychotherapy, the support of family and friends, uncover strength, or sometimes the addict leaves and gives them no choice but to move on. Others will lose their homes, their savings, and go into debt before being able to walk through the door of recovery. Recovery is a journey—the following are a few skills to help start letting go of the addict and bring you back to center.

Techniques for letting go of the addict

Break things into small steps. No one expects for this to happen all at once. Create small, doable ways, to start taking your focus off of the addict. Here are some practical tips and suggestions for how you can start doing this:

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1. Before contemplating separating yourself emotionally or physically from the addict, find a support network. This can be a community group, friends, family members or anyone who is aware of your situation and will be there to help support you. Pick a group or someone who inspires you. When you leave a conversation with your support of choice you should feel better, less afraid and more motivated.

2. Create a list, mentally, or an actual list of actions you know you need to change. Pick things that will stop you from becoming engulfed in what the addict is doing wrong. For example, the next time the addict is out “using,” do not call them, instead talk to your support person and refrain from trying to get them home or get them help.

3. Every time you slip up on your list, do not beat yourself up. Self-love and care is something you need more than ever. If you had it to begin with, things may have not progressed to this point.

4. Find activities that you enjoy which don’t involve the addict. Force yourself to start doing them! Take a walk, breathe deeply, take a bath,read a novel, see a movie, or anything you used to enjoy before your life became unmanageable.

5. Walk Away! Instead of arguing with the addict, force yourself to leave an unhealthy discussion you know will only escalate and get you upset.

6. Visualize the life you want and the life you can have if addiction was not part of it. Write it down and say it to yourself every day. Every single day when you get out of bed.

You may feel like a fraud at first, but slowly, these actions will give you an emotional detachment you didn’t think you could have. You will actually feel less affected and consumed by what the addict is doing. In the beginning, this may be forced, but when you find joy or can culminate a genuine laugh again,you are on the road to letting go.

Letting go of an addict: questions and situations

If you’re struggling at the moment in your life with an addict, you are not alone! Please leave us your questions or need for help in the comments section below. We do our best to support you and will answer you personally and promptly.

Photo credit: thisbedistoosmall

Leave a Reply

357 Responses to “How to let go of an addict
Candice
9:30 am July 17th, 2013

Hi,

I’m 30 years old, with a 9 year old daughter, a nice home, a cute dog and cat and a 35 year old addict boyfriend.

My life is quite peachy, and has been. We are a sweet family.

There are situations, like last year my boyfriend went to jail for selling things that did not belong to him over a period of a year.
I knew he had sold things that did belong to him, but had know idea he was stealing.

He has been in and out of therapy. Rehabs. He is on Suboxone and alzam and an anti depressant. He still uses as far as I know about every 2 weeks. He is a heroin addict. He smokes it. But also as far as I know has used cat and mandrax since being in jail.

Over the last month he pawned my camera, but got it back after I found out. and my bicycle was stolen. But may not have been him.

When he uses, I make him sleep on the couch, I don’t cook for him, I take all his cards and money and I pretty much let his family know and give him a hard time.
I know it is ridiculous.

But he stops for a while then.

His mom is definitely an enabler, she sends him a load of money every week. She knows he has a problem. She also pays for his meds.

Am I an enabler?

We live quite comfortably. I work and we go half with everything to do with the house and living.

I like to think my daughter is not affected?
She has a good life and has routine and is not subjected to his nonsense. She does well at school, and has friends, she is healthy. She is beautiful.

What am I suppose to do?
He refuses NA or rehab.

It breaks my heart. I don’t know how to make it work.
Sometimes I think, it ok, ill except that he uses drugs, But no drugs in the house. It can be controlled somehow.
But then the stealing and lying doesn’t work well with that.
He is so nice, sincere, caring, affectionate, strong, but can be quite a arrogant shit when he’s using, and he looks terrible.

If push comes to shove I will kick him out, or move.

People say something drastic will happen before I do that. Like a accident with my daughter.

Anyway, I guess my first question is, why am I still trying to deal with this?
And second, how could I fix it?
And third how do you live with yourself after your love has hung himself or disappeared forever out of your life?
Is there a way to manage this situation?

Thanks
Candice

Amanda
11:19 am July 17th, 2013

Candice,

It is very likely you will not take my advice. You will be ready to walk away from your boyfriend when you are ready and no sooner, and therefore I write about my story and wrote my book Hope Street, to give others in our situation Hope, a way to see how great life can be without addiction, and not just advice.

I was you, young mother with a daughter, living with an addict. I can promise you one thing, leaving him will be hard, love gets in the way of letting go, but a life without him is better in more ways than you can imagine. He is not going to clean up while living with you, he has no boundaries if he continues to get high, come home and be with both of you despite what he has done. Your daughter may not know exactly what is going on but my daughter is now 9 and they know a lot more than they let on. Do you want her to think this is what a normal father figure is? What would you tell her if she were dating someone like your boyfriend? And if the answer is you would not want her to be with someone like that, then why do you stay?

For a moment imagine a man that comes home every day and spends quality time with you and your child, loves you, respects you and when he says he is going out to the store, he does what he says. Imagine a man that is there for you when you need him and someone you don’t have to take care of or throw on the couch to sleep off his drugs. Imagine even living with your daughter and cute dog and no man and living in a house of peace. I promise you, right now you are just used to living like this but it is not peachy and it cannot be a good example for your child.
At 5 years old I took my child to therapy and found out she knew a lot more than I thought she did and that is why I wrote my book, for her, to show her that I was strong enough to leave and to give her a happy, normal life. I thought living with my husband/addict was normal, we had great times, he was so loving to me, he gave me everything, but what I realized was how could I be happy when every few weeks I was dealing with relapses, strange phone calls, finding pills in my home and much more. I couldn’t and until I physically got up and walked away I could not see how great my life could be on my own terms and not on an addict’s terms.

There are many different kinds of enablers, even if you don’t accept his behavior and put him on the couch, by not leaving him, you ARE accepting his behavior. You have to be strong enough to leave and care enough about yourself to want more for you. You deserve not to be living with this. I heard people tell me this 100X with my husband and I didn’t really hear it and I made excuses and then I stopped talking to those people, but when if finally set in that this was no way to live, a whole new world opened up to me as it will for you.
Good Luck.
Best,
Amanda

Ursula
10:38 pm July 19th, 2013

Hi, That’s realy taugh what you goin through, but I have respect of you that you showing your boundarys when he was using, don’t cook for him, tell that to all his family wow that’s good!! But don’t listen to other people, with that comment your daughter need to have an accident before you kick him out. You know yourself in your Heart when its the right time to do so.!! I wish you strength and encouragement.

Candice
12:26 pm July 23rd, 2013

Thank you. And thanks for the well wishes.

I think everyday that its probably the right time to kick him out. He wont leave.
And you are right there is no way id wish this life on another person, especially my daughter.
So i am being a bad example.
EVERY SINGLE TIME he needs to pop off to the shop I dread it.
And frankly i dont like it when he goes to the loo either.
It isn’t natural…consuming.
He doesn’t think his actions should effect us in a negative way at all.

Anyway, we all have the same story. How messed up is that.

Nobody ever comes out of this as a closely knit family with nooooooo substance abuse?
Need to read your book. What ever happened to your husband?

Candice

Amanda
12:52 pm July 24th, 2013

Candice,

I know that knot you have in your stomach every time you know he is using or wants to. You can ask him to leave and if he won’t then you can. You are worth much more than this. Living with addiction is not a choice for your boyfriend but it is a choice for you and I would chose sanity, happiness, your child over the insane cycle of addiction. I guarantee if you add up all the good times, they don’t hold a candle to all of the bad times. Please read my book, Hope Street, if you can, I have had many people tell them it really helped them to heal and to find hope. I wish you and your daughter the best.
Amanda

Jen
8:55 am February 8th, 2014

I was married to an addict for 16 years and left. I met what I thought was a wonderful, in recovery and working it, man, that I became engaged to, despite vowing to never marry again. It’s almost a year later and guess what, he’s using. I’ve got those sickening feeling in my stomach, I have no car, we we’re saving for one, and we live together. I have a good job and can afford to be on my own, but I am having a very hard time “letting go”. My mind races (I have ADD), and I don’t eat or sleep. I really hate all of this.

Amanda
3:42 pm February 11th, 2014

Jen,
Good for you for getting out of your first relationship. I know how tough that can be.
You were able to get the strength to do that just like you will muster it up again to
make a change in your life now. I know that sick feeling all to well. If you can afford
to be on your own, then you can afford to live without that sick feeling.
There comes a time to look at ourselves and why we keep letting these types of people
into our lives. Are we missing something or is this familiar to us? Are we reliving the past and
since these feelings are all we know, we feel comfortable. I learned much later, that the sick
feeling, the drama and the sadness I lived with my ex-husband was similar to how I felt
growing up with two parents that fought and screamed all of the time. So with my husband, this
uncertainty was familiar to me and therefore, I felt it was normal. You need to be out of that situation long enough to heal yourself and accept love from someone who is a healthy person.
It may feel strange at first, boring even, at first, but having a healthy relationship is the best experience. It took me 12 years of my life, youth wasted on my ex-husband, but I was able to get out alive and find someone who has no issues with addiction, and I promise you, there is nothing like doing laundry, going through the pockets of your husband’s pants and not have that sick feeling in your stomach.
When this happened to me, I wrote about it, it transformed into a book, Hope Street. It was my only solace at the time, but it helped me look back and say, “who is this person?” It helped me and still helps me today realized I never want that life again. When this was going on, I couldn’t let go and although people were telling me I was part of the problem, I couldn’t see it. People can only hurt you if you accept it. I didn’t realize part of my personality was to accept things and
rationalize and love too much. This is not a strength in a relationship with an addict.
Jen, take a look at yourself and know you are worth it.
Of course you hate this, and unfortunately it doesn’t usually get much better.
Amanda

Sarah
2:32 pm May 30th, 2014

Hi, thank you so much for writing this article. After 5 years of being in an on-again/off-again relationship with my drug addict boyfriend, I reached my limit this morning and found this article.

For me the problem has always been letting go of the loving, strong, caring and highly intelligent man that he IS when he’s not using. But last night, when he got his first big pay cheque at his new job, he disappeared again. I’m tired and exhausted of having to worry about him, connect his stories to see if he’s lying to me, and living in fear of when he’ll leave me next.

My only problem is, I don’t hate him. Even though I should after all the humiliation he’s put me through, I don’t have it in me to hate him, I just hate what he does. I can see that he’s battling something that’s very debilitating and I never want to be the persont that puts him down. Having said that, I know it’s time for me to WALK AWAY from our relationship. No matter how in love we are. I think it is best for us both.

My question to you is, do you have any tips on how I can communicate this? As of now, he hasn’t got in touch with me since he left last night. But I’m sure he will. Am I supposed to tell him it’s over? That I don’t love him anymore (because it’s not true..)? That I’m moving on? That we can get back together after “x” amount of months in a rehab program or something? I guess what I’m saying is, should i or shouldn’t I give him a hope for us?

What’s the best way to communicate why I’m choosing to leave something so amazing we share because of his problem? I guess, my constant efforts to not make him feel bad that he’s got an addiction is my problem here. Is there a way to not make someone feel bad for their mistakes but still put your foot down when it comes to what you won’t tolerate anymore, i.e. deceit and drugs?

Sorry if this is complicated. Thank you reading my comment and posting this article.

gina
9:32 pm May 31st, 2014

Thank you so much,i am new to your site,my husband is an addict,, i now know that im on the right track,its really hard living with an addict,,the lieing,stealing,aruging and never keeping a job and yet you try to help and suport them, i kicked my husband out three months ago and i tell you i really fill at pease ,i love him very much,but i know that i will never be happy with his addiction, my question is how do remain friends with out trying to munipulate you to give them another chance,it will never happen because i have five years of bitterness inside of me, but i do want the best for him and i pray for him everday, that the lord deliver him from this and i know that he will ,in due time, he jast have to want it but as for now i am so very happy thinks to this wed site.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:50 pm June 2nd, 2014

Dear Sarah and Gina,
I am writing to you both from the room of my dying grandmother. I have been crying all morning and I have not wept this hard since my ex-husband disappeared because of his addiction. Being here is a reminder that life is short and should be lived well.
I truly understand your struggles and your pain, but you both have a choice. You can continue to live and worry about your loved one or you can chose to let them go with love. I can promise you that if you move on for real, you will find a serenity and happiness that will allow you to thrive and flourish. You both deserve to be happy. Sometimes it is best to stop all contact with the addict because it gives you distance, time to heal, grow and get strong again. If you need a reason to give to your loved one to leave them, it can simply be that you are not happy and need to move on so that you can be.
You can still love the person you are leaving but you need to love yourself more. An addict will lie, pull on your heart strings and you could be right back to square one. The only way for you to really live a full and happy life is to get healthy and I assure you that happier and healthier relationships will follow.
If you keep in contact with someone who is sick, it will keep you sick. This is your time to get better.
Please read my memoir Hope Street, I wrote it to help others because I have been exactly where you are. If you can not afford the book, email me personally and I will get it to you. The book will take you through my journey and show you there is not only a way out but a great life afterwards.
In honor of my grandmother, who helped me move on, I aspire, as it sounds you both do, to live my life happily and to the very fullest.
Best,
Amanda

Wendy
3:03 pm June 13th, 2014

Hi there, thanks for the advice here. My partner is an alcoholic, I moved out of his house last year because I couldnt stand his behaviour and his drinking habits that often lead to more stress and financial problems. He becomes this raging drunk but he is completely opposite when sober. When I left, i started reclaiming my life back. I went back to my hobbies, live solo in my house and in control of my finances etc, im quite happy about these. It took time for him to realise to seek help in at Al-Anon. He was in total denial before. When he told me he was serious going to AA and be sober, I also thought maybe its good to give it another go. Since then, I come with him to meetings as I am quite interested about the disease and also be his support. We decided we want to fix the relationship. I know he really wants to recover but really struggling on keeping sober, something like his brain telling him he needs the drink like food. He had a minor slip before (not to point of drunkeness) that made him feel guilty and start putting more effort to the steps and go back to his calendar again. I keep reminding him about consequences if he wants to go back in that kind of life again and lose everything again. He appreciates me for doing that. BUT I am so disappointed today for his recent relapsed caused by his enabling mother….

i remember when i was living with him, his mother gets overbearing and tends to get over involved with us. She “loves” her son so much she kept defending, funding him, cover-up and bail him everytime he got into trouble when he was younger.. I got so pissed off one time when she bought him bourbon and I had to put up with the violent behaviour when he got drunk. His mother even told me put a pillow everytime he passes out on the floor, she told me “this is how i care for my ex-husband before” (wth?) everytime i tried to convice him not to drink, his mother calls me “controlling” or “trying to change him” or “trying to be his mother”.

His mother did it again today and my partner relapsed after weeks of sobriety (like i said he just started again his calendar after a minor slip) She gave him smokes and booze and money. I got so disappointed when I visited him today. he looked so guilty when i left.
i dont know what to do, how to support him if his mother is always an active enabler for his active addiction.. Its hard to have a relationship while addiction is active. Its hard to reason out with his mother, its frustrating but I care for my partner! I just keep ignoring his calls today, there’s no point of talking while he is drunk! I dont need unecessary stress! Anyone can give me advice to my situation? What should i do?

Amanda Andruzzi
12:00 pm June 14th, 2014

Wendy,
It sounds like you have successfully pulled yourself out of a non functional relationship. When an addict is sober, you can see glimpses of a person you love and it can feel so amazing. The truth is, the disease, if an addict is not in full recovery, and sometimes even if they are is a viable part of who they are.

When it comes to his mother, it is apparent that she is a co-addict. She is stuck in a cycle that has nothing to do with you. She loves her son and she is not ready to detach so he can actually get better. Some people have their own issues that they are hiding from so they like focusing on and taking care of someone in order to put the focus somewhere else . Also the parent/child dynamic with addiction is much different. Her love is unconditional and it is hard for her to see the difference between enabling and simply loving her son. He will have to be healthy enough to break from her or vice versa for recovery to stick or he will always be able to use.

I think you already know the answer to your own question and this may be hard to hear, but that peace that you feel when you are in charge of your own life will not be restored until you let him go. It is so hard to stop helping someone you love especially when you know the potential they have, but this is not your fight. Remaining in his life will only hurt you because he is not ready. Please read my article in this blog, “zero tolerance: help for families” to help you with some tips about this topic. Addiction is a cycle that will repeat itself, as you have probably already noticed. Your only responsibility and power lies in helping yourself.

Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Charlene
1:49 pm June 25th, 2014

Hi , I called the police on my alcoholic husband this weekend in order to get him out of the house . I did it because I had asked him to move his things to the basement and in doing so he had a rifle that we had for protection ( I had removed the amo a long time ago) I have great job and own the house my problem is emotional . I have such guilt and remorse for throwing him out. The gun situation was the last straw because he insisted I give him the shells because he bought them. I know I sound ridiculous , but I can’t stop crying for having given up on hm.

Amanda Andruzzi
11:38 am June 26th, 2014

Charlene,
I understand how you feel. You have every right to feel upset because it is an upsetting situation. Every person needs time to grieve a loss but also understand that not only did you do the right thing, you made a gesture to save yourself from an unhealthy relationship.
Moving on is never easy but things do seem worse before they get better, but they will get better. If you can focus on that it will help guide you through the pain. You did not give up on your husband, when someone chooses to use, then it is they who have given up.

Addiction is a sordid process that sometimes you need to remove yourself from because it can make you sick too.

You called the police because you went with your gut which was that you needed this to stop! You should never feel guilt over protecting yourself from someone who is hurting you. In fact, by making him leave, you are probably helping him hit bottom.

Now is the time to get strong and go for help that focuses on your recovery; al-anon, therapy, reading books or anything you can do to help you heal.
I can promise you, with your husband gone, slowly but surely, the peace of not living with addiction will be an amazing feeling, just give yourself some time.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hopestreetmemoir.com

Charlene
3:00 pm June 26th, 2014

Amanda,

Thank You for responding . Everything you said makes perfect sense. I just have a need to hear it over and over again . I’m staying strong this time .

Your blog helps because I don’t feel so alone. I’m going to counseling already and will give al Amon another try. I just worry that I will meet with a room full of people who have decided to stay. Last time I went that was what I encountered .

Amanda Andruzzi
12:09 pm June 27th, 2014

Charlene,
My best friend in the whole world, the one who insisted I publish my memoir about co-addiction, Hope Street, because she watched me with my ex husband for 12 years, ended up marrying an alcoholic. I thought that she, of all people, would know the life you are in for when you choose an addict as a partner. She is a professional and is beautiful. When things started to fall apart for her, I was on the other side this time. Unfortunately this whole cycle is irrational and unpredictable. I told her how Al-anon did not work for me because it was a room full of people who we’re learning how to live with am addict and that was not going to be my future. She found a group that was the opposite, she found many women who left and moved.
I wouldn’t rule anything out until you try it, it is better right now to go for all the help you can get. But believe me, I left, and it was the best decision I ever made. I took time for me and a healthy relationship found me this time. I am happily remarried and having my third child. I have no contact with my ex husband nor does he with his daughter. My story was an extreme situation but to get out I focused on the fact those I knew that moved on and gained their strength back and went on to healthier lives. I knew I deserved that.
I no longer get anxiety when doing the laundry, for fear of what drug I might find in my husbands pocket and when he leaves I don’t question what state he will return home in. This new reality is something I appreciate more than anything.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi,
HopeStreetMemoir[dot]com

Holly
10:12 pm June 28th, 2014

My husband has an addiction to pornography, he doesn’t always tell me when he has gone into it and I feel he should. I ask him to tell me, but I wonder, is this stopping my recovery? I have in the past checked his phone etc to see if he has gone into it, I have tried to stop and did pretty well for a while, but have started to check his computer and I feel I am getting pulled back in. I always checked because he wasn’t telling me and I feel I have a right to know…but do I really? Is it best to leave it up to him if he wants to tell me or not and do I need to accept it if he doesn’t?

Amanda Andruzzi
11:18 am June 30th, 2014

Holly,
My experience with this type of experience is limited but I do believe all addiction and co-addiction scenarios have similar characteristics regarding behavior. It sounds like your husband is involved in a behavior that consumes him and isolates you. In turn, you are feeling the negative affects on your relationship and intimacy with him.
With all addictive behaviors, we have to take responsibility only for ourselves because we cannot be responsible for another persons actions; only our own reactions.
You are on the right track, checking up on him is only making you feel worse and it is not stopping him. I would continue to get healthier and the healthier you become, either your husband will see this and be inspired to get better and be a part of it or go the other direction. Either way it is out of your control. You can set boundaries and express that you are unhappy and that you both need to seek counseling or you cannot continue on with your relationship.
If I were in your shoes, I would help myself first and take the focus of off what he is doing, even though it hurts, then when you are okay, you can deal with whether or not his addiction is something you want to live with or if you need to move on. Check out my article on Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction, some of the concepts may be helpful to you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hopestreetmemoir[dot]com

Silvia
3:40 am August 2nd, 2014

I’m in love with a Heroin Addict How do I let go! Please, any response will help me!?
I cry from the minute I wake up and as soon as my day is done and I’m finally able to lay in bed I cry for hours. I know there’s many people out there going through it I just need some guidance. Sometimes I feel like I can do this sometimes I feel like I can’t take one more minute of this pain. My ex boyfriend and I met and fell in love instantly I’ve never met someone like him I’ve had 3 serious boyfriends before him 1 of them became a drug addict 4 years into our relationship. The other 2 physically abused me and cheated on me. I swore off guys for a while then I met the love of my life. I can still say he is the best boyfriend I have ever had I have never been with anyone Ive been so attracted too, he made me laugh EVERY day he adored me so much. I knew I deserved this after all the hell I went through in the past. Few months into the relationship my bf had to leave for rehab he told me he had not started using again he just felt like he was on the verge of relapse(LIE he had been using since the day he met me) He left to Florida for 6 months. I didn’t leave him even though i knew it was best to let him go since I had already been through the tortured life of dating a drug addict. He finally moved back he moved in with me. We were finally back together. 2 weeks being back he started using Heroin again. He stole my roommates rent and sold hisps3 for $40. It’s been a week since i kicked him out. How do i let go even though I’m watching his life deteriorate all over again.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:38 pm August 3rd, 2014

Silvia,

I see a pattern here…Loving men that are not capable of loving you back the way you deserve. Sometimes we have to look inside ourselves and fix what is broken. Why do we keep going back to relationships that are unhealthy and make us sick? Why are we attracted to troubled men? This patterned has more to do with you, your upbringing, insecurities, and other issues than you may realize.
I have been exactly where you are, married to the love of my life, with a child and he was an addict.
What I realized, 12 years too late, was that I was attracted to his sickness. We were best friends and I really felt it was my job to fix him. I learned the hard way it was not.
It is a good thing you were able to kick him out. That is a great first step. You will go through pain, unavoidable pain, but you are headed in the right direction. Now is the time to grieve, heal and work on you.
How to do it…reread this article, and the many others I have written and put them into practice. Educate yourself on addiction and co-addiction. I wrote a memoir, Hope Street, to help people like you, who were just like me. The most important thing to take from this is that this is about you, not him, and that is what you need to focus on. Once you become strong and healthy, you will not allow relationships like this in your life.
I am here if you need anything.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Ursula
8:30 pm August 3rd, 2014

Hi Sylvia

you did the right thing. Kick him out, that is a very brave step of you. I feel the same like Amanda, you had shitty relationships before and your addict boyfriend treated you nice adorable and with love and kind. And you think that is the love of your live. To live with an addict is not easy. I live with an addict aswell. Since 9 years i am goin through the same thing over and over again. I wish i could be strong, kick him out, or leave him. You did the the right thing brave. Be Strong and keep beeing strong you will get stronger. Make sure now that you are okay and that you think first at yourself now. If your boyfreand really loves you soo much, he will do anything to get cand look for support and help, to get clean and hopefully live a normal live. Dont give up, I will defenetly read Amandas Memoir, thank you and sylvia be surroundet by lovley people and do that what is good for you.

Kim
11:00 pm August 8th, 2014

I have a 24 year old son who went to treatment several times and since he is gay, I found a gay sober living home in Florida. He has since moved out, done well but now quit his job, is dancing at a gay club, doing drugs and some prostitution. He is out of control and is going to die by drugs or by going with a stranger. He makes no money and had totaled two cars in two months. I cannot believe he has sunk so low so fast. My only communication is by phone. I am scared I will loose my only child. I cannot get him to see he is in bad shape. I need help. I need advice. He is killing me. He is my life. I just don’t know what to do to get him to accept help or see he has a bad problem. He is very close to being kicked out of his apartment and being homeless. I am scared. Scared beyond words.

Amanda
6:16 pm August 9th, 2014

Hi Kim,
There are no words to describe what it is like watching a child self destruct. Loving a child is unconditional and it is not the same with a spouse or partner. The only thing I can tell you is that unfortunately you cannot stop him or end his addiction. Trying to help and enabling him may only support his habit and lifestyle. How do you love him and let him destroy himself? There is no easy answer. You are not responsible for what he is doing but there are ways you can help him.
Please read my article Zero tolerance for drug abuse: Lessons for Families
http://drug.addictionblog.org/zero-tolerance-for-drug-abuse-lessons-for-families/.

There are some constructive ways in this article that might help you. I would recommend that you get some support right away to help you deal with this; a therapist, al-anon, community programs and/or other support groups. You need to stay strong and learn the best way to help your son, which very well may be not doing anything at all.
When someone is under the influence, trying to make them see that they are ruining their life is a difficult and somewhat impossible task. Interventions may be helpful but it still has to be a decision made by the addict. They must come to a point where they are sick and tired of what they are doing. Half-hearted attempts usually end up in failure and relapse.
What you are experiencing must be the scariest feeling that I hope I will never have to have. I think the key is to try and understand the nature of addiction, the reality of how it runs its course and work on getting stronger for you and for your son.
There is a great book, Healing the Addicted Brain, I would recommend reading. It explains addiction in a very different light and may help explain that there may be more than just addiction you are dealing with. It may help you direct him to more appropriate help when he is ready. Please stay strong.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Author of Hope Street Memoir

kharmayme
10:58 pm August 15th, 2014

I have tried to let my husband go to I end up letting him back in my life & for four years it’s been the same thing over & over going without it for two months or couple of weeks then right back out there. Be in church stayn home every weekend spending time with me EVERYDAY not hanging out then get another job do good for couple weeks then back out there again. I never put him down when he comes back or fuss & bring it back up I just show him love. He says he sorry & cry every time & say he wants to stop & want help & he has & still goes back now we no longer have our own home I live with my Grandparents & he was stay with his mom but got back out there & she put him out now he’s back in the streets. WHAT DO I DO I’M SO TIED OF THE YO YO LIFE BUT I LOVE HIM & FEEL LIKE I’M WRONG IF I LET HIM GO BUT I DON’T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE ANYMORE. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE LORD PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME

Silvia
4:28 am August 16th, 2014

I’m 23 years old been living with a drug addict boyfriend for 3 years. We have a two year old son together. My “boyfriend” has been in and out of jail at least 6 times in the past 7 months. I’m devastated he’s tried to kill himself in front of me and our son a month before Christmas but I managed to take the knife away from him and left him for a couple of weeks while he was taken to a psych ward. All he does is lie, steal money from me and other people, he’s been charged with burglary (2counts) and battery. He usually won’t call me for about a week or whenever he wants. He never asks about our son all he cares about is getting high or trying to sell his drugs. He’s been addicted to crack cocaine and heroine. His forearms are severely infected (it looks like) from shooting up almost everyday.. I tried my best to get him off the drugs I’ve prayed everyday for him but he doesn’t want to change.. He’s overdoes at least 3 times and is still continuing to use.. I sometimes wait for a phone call to let me know he passed away that sounds horrible and it makes me sick to my stomach but, it’s the truth. I feel like I really can’t help him I can’t get through to him. I don’t know where he’s at or where he sleeps. He told me a while again when he was in jail that he was in a gang. He’s shared needles with a couple of people and I hope I didn’t catch anything from him (not that we are physically active anymore) I need help to let go and detach my self I need to focus on my son and myself. He doesn’t give me money for our son for anything. I work 6 days a week to support him and my bills. Any recommendations I would highly appreciate..

Amanda Andruzzi
11:11 am August 19th, 2014

kharmayme,
Who wouldn’t be sick of what is happening in your life? Your husband is on the streets, using, and you are living with your grandparents.
You have tried unconditional love and probably everything else you could think of but this is not your problem, nor your addiction, so as much as you want to, you cannot fix it. As frustrating as that is to hear it is the truth. Your husband will do this to you as long as you let him and then he will manipulate someone else until he hits his absolute bottom. As co-addicts we are always there to cushion the fall but after a while we end up in the position you are in now; miserable, sad, angry, lonely, unhappy and unable to move on.
Co- addicts must hit their own “rock bottom” and regardless of where the addict is at, move on. You have to reach a point where you actually cannot go on this way and then and only then will you change your life. Try the steps in this article, when and only when, you realize there is no going back. The key to moving on is recovery for you and letting go of the addict.
Just keep remembering, actions speak louder than words, pleas and cries. How much more time will you allow your husband to make you feel the way you just expressed? It is up to you to get out of an unhealthy situation. This, coming from a single mom, who was left in debt while her husband cheated, abused drugs and stole money fromy family and friends, is not advice I am making up but something I have gone through personally. Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
11:34 am August 19th, 2014

Sylvia,
It sounds like your boyfriend is already out of your life, you just need to make it final. He may expose you and your child to not only heartache, pain, and financial loss but also expose you to serious diseases. This is going to sound tough but you need to let go completely, for the sake of your child. He does not contribute to your life in any way and in reality only makes it worse. You do not need to wait for that phone call, choose not to even answer that phone. You know you cannot fix him and helping him only hurts you.
The faster you move on and find happiness the better you will feel and be a positive role model for your son. You can do this on your own but you do not need to do it alone. From one mother to another, exposing your child to an addicted father and a mother who is living in pain and sadness is not good for him. Your son is lucky enough to have one parent who is loving, responsible, hard working and sober. You need to focus on him and yourself and healing so you can move on to a happy life for both of you.
Please read more of my articles for more support and get help for yourself. Al-anon is free and it is everywhere. Find support from friends, from a therapist and google community programs in your area for you and your son. Once you start your recovery and the process of moving on then those feelings you are expressing will be replaced with strength, independence, and a new freedom and peace I wish I could convey to you. Hope Street, my memoir, is my story. I have been right where you are emotionally and physically so I understand what you are feeling and how hard it really is, firsthand. Keep in touch.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hope Street Memoir

kharmayme
11:27 pm August 19th, 2014

Hi Amanda the is Kharmayme I’M TRYN EVERYDAY to let go but it is so hard cuz I hve this passion in my heart for ppl & I no Hw it is to feel like no one cares. Hold up wait a moment in just read wht I said my own self I realize that he could never feel that Why from me his wife cuz I have shown so much love dat What b more than enough for ten men. I just have to let go & go through the “letn go process ” wth the help frm GOD. Are there online Support groups that if I want to talk to someone EVERYDAY to get through this I can? I just want to start back truly being happy & loving myself & not hve to fake being happy or needing to stay busy, or stay around alot of ppl or sleep to keep frm bn sad feeln lonely or that I’M now the one that’s wrong.

kharmayme
11:33 pm August 19th, 2014

Srry Amanda I am so Srry I forgot to say thank u so much u hve bn such a gr8 help to me deeply frm my heart thank u if we all just mustard up the strength to just say I’M goin to do this cuz I deserve to b happy & love even if it has to come frm our own self. One day this too could b us telln our happy endings

Amanda Andruzzi
12:15 pm August 20th, 2014

kharmayme,
You are very welcome. I write for people like you because I know what you are going through. You can always comment here or email me at hopestreetmemoir@gmail.com. As for online support, there are many, just google online support for addiction and co addiction and pick what resonates for you. Al-anon has online support as well. But I would recommend a more human connection to compliment the online support, a therapist and/or a community group which you can google in your area or contact local organizations like the YMCA. There are usually free programs available for you and your son.
You will be happy and you will be strong when you realize you are not abandoning your boyfriend. He has abandoned you for addiction and now you must take care of yourself and your son. I know the love you feel for him seems impossible to turn your back on but if I could show you what is on the other side of the door you would be amazed at the possibilities for you and your child. Security, peace, calm, happiness, joy, appreciation for life, and the opportunity for a new and healthy relationship. How do I try and explain what you could have if you have never had it? It’s difficult, but this is where trust comes in. You need to put faith and belief in people who have been where you are and have successfully moved on. Those are the people you need to surround yourself with.
Keep reading, please read all my articles because I really think they will help you. Take small steps at first and do not beat yourself up when you take a step back. Just take care of yourself and more importantly your son. The love you have for your child will make you want to be the best person you can be so he has the opportunity to flourish and thrive. Please keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi

Jen
12:09 am August 21st, 2014

I am now divorced (as of 7/28/14) from my meth addict husband and father of my 20 month old daughter. I used to use his head injury and shitty parents and his lack of love in his life as an excuse for why he used. We were only married three and a half years and it married him six weeks after meeting him so maybe it was doomed for failure. He used our first year of marriage and then not again until after his mother died Dec 2013. I have only been able to partially let go which is more like not letting go. He moved out but I would help him because I’m afraid to let him go because I know he’ll spiral out of control. So I bring him to my home to stay and spend time with my daughter and the other day during one of his visits home I found his meth pipe and talked to his demon the night I found and took the pipe. The demon threatened me and wanted me to climb into the dumpster to find the pipe. After a hours of this I broke down and gave him back his pipe because I was beginning to fear for my safety. I drove him back to where he was staying at first light the next morning. Within two days he spent over $1000 of his money on drugs and phone hot chat lines. My question is more of a plea because I feel such sorrow and sadness and guilt over all of this. I truly feel like I’m turning my back on him especially after I turned off his phone that I was paying for. I just need to hear some advice or comments or someone’s point of view that will help me to cope with all of this. Thank you! Jen

Amanda Andruzzi
11:18 am August 21st, 2014

Jen,
I do not like to sound so negative but I would like you to read my book, Hope Street, to get a glimpse of what staying with him and keeping him in your life like this will be like years down the road. Also it might help you see when you do let go that there are so many wonderful possibilities out there for you and your child.
You are kind, caring and want to take care of your husband and this does not make you a bad person. However, it does make you easier to manipulate and therefore your husband will use you whenever he can.
Please read my article here in this blog, Co-addiction: Get Angry! Do you think your husband is loving and caring for you when he is spending thousands of dollars to get high? I am sure it is not easy to raise your child alone with no financial support. That money would benefit your child but instead it is being used to get him high and call women. It sounds like he is not helping your child but some how, some way, he has the ability to find money for drugs.
Jen, if you let him into your life doing what he is doing, you will not be able to truly heal and recover. You deserve to, for you and for your child so that you can both have a happy and healthy life. Your husband is holding you back and keeping you in a world of heartache and pain.
You have obviously tried and done all that you can for him and the truth is you can’t be the one to save him. If he gets sober it will come from him and only when and if he is ready.
If you look at it from another angle maybe this will help you as it helped me. I always blamed my husband’s addiction on his father leaving him as a child for his heroin addiction and lack of love in his family. I told myself he used because of that. I grew up in a dysfunctional household, became a single parent and lived with his addiction for 12 years, why was I able to be sober? Why was I not allowed to fall apart? You can only make excuses for him so long before you have to realize this disease and his choices are going to hurt you and your child if they have not done too much damage already.
Find help for yourself, read more about co-addiction and addiction, read the other articles I have written here. Focus on you, your child, and not him and his addiction and soon, when you can actually let go, your feelings of sadness will be replaced with a new independence and a life that makes you happy.
Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi
hopestreetmemoir[dot]com

Lynn
5:33 pm August 24th, 2014

I am a twice divorced single mom who is ending a five year relationship with a man who has made me learn more about myself than I ever could see. Not him necessarily , the relationship. He is the most caring, compassionate, loving man I ever knew. Kind, giving….alcoholic. He is also bipolar.. A huge reason or excuse for his addiction. I see how alcohol affects his moods as it causes his medication to not work. Broken hearted I choose to leave the relationship. Ironically my first husband was a compulsive gambler yet a totally different person than the man I love but am leaving now. Whew talk about who really has the problem here!

Amanda Andruzzi
12:39 pm September 1st, 2014

Lynn,
You are not alone in how you feel about relationships with addicts. They are usually very passionate people and relationships can be very intense, dramatic, and desireable. Just because they “use” does not mean they don’t show you a good side. These things are what makes it so hard to leave and so easy to fall in love.
But they are in most cases individuals with a psychological, physical and/or chemical disorder so relationships with them are rarely healthy. There are a lot of cases where they abuse substances to deal with their conditions and the fact that you recognize that does give you a good insight on why these relationships do not work.
Then, we have to turn the light on ourselves and realize that we have our part in it as well. What makes us attracted to people with addictions? What void does it fill? Why are we attracted to it? Why do we feel the need to fix others?
There are many questions and so many different life experiences that lead us to these relationships. It is a good idea to look within ourselves, our history and our childhood to find out why we engage in these relationships and work on changing, correcting and healing ourselves so we may find healthy and loving relationships.
It was my first husband and our relationship that allowed me to understand what my issues were and when I was able to finally let go I did not make the same mistake again. I was no longer intrigued by men with problems but secure enough with myself to form a relationship with a man that was secure with himself and did not need drugs to live his life. And that was a great accomplishment for me. And because I am not so distracted with his issues, I still have room to grow. Best of Luck.
Amanda

broken
3:50 am September 5th, 2014

I don’t even know where to begin….I need help badly! I have been with my boyfriend for over nine months now and we have probably actually seen each other a total of three…maybe. He goes out and steals all day and he doesn;t come home until ten or eleven, sometimes even later. We have never been on a date, he has never paid for anything and he has stolen so much from me. I have also given him money when he didn’t have it which is every day. He has never paid a bill or kep a promise…NEVER ONCE! He says he loves me but never looks at me, we haven’t had sex in over two months and it was maybe once a month before that. He will tell me that he promises to be home at a certain time yet has never ever kept that promise. He never has me go with him anywhere and he lies to me every day all day long about everything. He manipulates everyone around him and to everyone else he appears as such a great guy. He always has an excuse and always has some hard luck story as to why he didn’t do what he said he would do for me or even for himself. I love him so much and I feel so stuck. He is incredibly intelligent, and not just the usual “og he’s so smart and could be so great bs”…this guy is truly one of the great minds on this planet. He could make history if he really put his mind to it. But, he has been the worst person I have ever known to me. He never says nasty things to me or gets violent or demeans me with words, but I feel so demeaned and rejected every day and every second that I am with him…when ever that may be after midnight for a few minutes until he goes up into the bathroom and spends two hours in there, then passes out or I have to go to sleep to go to work in the morning. I have bailed him out of jail three or four times now. I stopped hanging out with my friends and family because I am embarassed to always be alone. People will as “where’s Chris” and I wouldn’t know what to say. Most of the time I tell them he’s at work but he doesn’t have a job. He is 31 and dropped out of his engineering program and does nothing all day but steal and lie and go do dope. All the utilities are about to get shut off and he promises to come home with money every day, but every night it’s always some hard luck story as to why he doesn’t have it and then he tell me “tomorrow” everything will be better but tomorrow NEVER comes. Please help! I am loosing myself completely!

Amanda Andruzzi
5:29 pm September 5th, 2014

Broken,

If it was not you writing what you did and you read it as an outside party what would you think?
What is it you like or love about him? There does not seem like he has one good quality towards you in your relationship. It is clear he needs help for his issues but it is even more clear that you need help for you. No one deserves to be treated the way you describe so this is far more about you than him. He is a symptom of a deeper issue for you.
Does this relationship recreate feelings for you that are familiar? Is there a self-esteem or confidence issue that allows you to stay with him even though things are so awful?
You first need to look at these questions and look inside yourself and find out why you would allow anyone in your life like this, especially when there was no goodness from the beginning.
This is not healthy for you and it sounds like he is only using you to help with his addiction. That being the case, it would be the best thing for you to get support right away, a therapist, support group, al-anon, and let him go completely.
Unfortunately you will only do this when you are ready and no sooner. Please take the time to evaluate the situation and figure out exactly what it is that you are gaining from allowing him to use you and then hopefully you will be able to be objective.
I would recommend not hiding from friends and family because you are only protecting him. They might be able to help you and realize this is not the person you should be with. You need them because they might be just the voice of reason you need. If you are embarrassed to tell them about your relationship then you know deep down it should not go on.
Please keep reading the article I have written here , especially the ones on co-addiction and educate yourself as to your part in this dysfunctional relationship. You deserve a real relationship and to be happy but first you must be healthy and take care of you.
Amanda
Hope Street Memoir

Jennifer A
3:48 pm September 23rd, 2014

Hi, I am 31 years old and have recently broken things off with my addict boyfriend, actually he is he one that ended things with me. Other then what I thought were small signs in the past this was the biggest sign of his addiction, within a matter of 4 hours it went from him telling me how much he loves and adores me to me waking up to a text message saying he was leaving me b/c he isn’t feeling well. He was coming off of a cocaine binge and getting severe headaches. The week prior he was very moody and closed off but I looked past it and just told myself it was his pain making him cranky. It took him about 5 days to respond to any type of communication and still would not agree to meet with me. My heart is/was completely shattered. I can’t understand why the man I love and was planning a future with wont even sit across from me and look me in the eyes. About a week at ago I knew he had been traveling for work and out with a coworker drinking. I received a very odd text that he wanted to come over and bring me my things, when I told him I would not be there I saw I side of him I never in a million years thought I would see, he called me awful names, accused me of going away to be with someone else- it was just awful. He claimed that he as “testing” me to see if I would be home because he was coming back to me to work things out, mind you prior to everything we never fought. I am embarrassed to say that I played right into,I didn’t fire back with nastiness, instead I sat there and cried begged him not to do this, that I would cancel my trip because I loved him and wanted this to work. I let him manipulate me into thinking this is now my fault that we aren’t together. If there was ever a point I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown its now. Since that he has blocked me from social media, won’t answer my calls or text messages. I know I deserve better then this, I can not throw away my future for someone that will never be able to put me or a family first but not having closure is killing me. Last time I saw him was 3 weeks ago, he was cold and distant because of his headache, in my mind I just cant accept that we leave it that way. How do I just walk away? I feel like a fool and humiliated but I still love him. When he is sober he is wonderful but the drugs make him a cold jerk that only cares about himself.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:34 am September 25th, 2014

Jennifer A,
That is what drugs do, turn the person you love into what seems like another person–a monster. However, the person you live is not real either , if that wonderful man were so wonderful he would not need drugs and he would not treat you the way he has. The truth is the drugs are masking serious issues.
He has a long road ahead of him and it seems like this is not over for you. You are hurt and devastated and rightfully so, but you really need to educate yourself on addiction because this is not personal. All addicts manipulate, lie, hide, have an alternate personality, and destroy their own lives. They lie to everyone including themselves. This has little to do with you. However, I took everything my addicted husband said and did to heart and I suffered for 12 years before he destroyed our lives.
It is hard to tell people not to make the same mistakes I made but hopefully you can learn something from what I went through. Keep reading my articles here and try to understand that you need to get strong and move in. Allowing this in your life will only bring you down. Please check out my memoir, Hope Street. To get a bigger picture on what addicts are really like , how I know all the insanity you are going through, but also how when I realized the truth about addiction I was finally able to take steps in the right direction. This is hard, very hard but staying away from him is the best thing and it does get easier, your pain roll heal. There is happiness beyond your wildest dreams waiting for you if you want it, but you have to want it, do the work and get yourself in a good place .
Best,
Amanda Andruuzi
Hopestreetmemoir.con

Jennifer A
5:28 pm September 25th, 2014

Amanda,
Thank you so much for getting back to me. I am about half way through your memoir and your strength is amazing, I know that if I stayed with him my future would be a mirror of your past. Logically I know I need to let go but its taking an emotional toll on my that I never thought was possible. I am not an overly religious person but I have a strong faith in God and just keep praying that he give me the strength and patience to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mother said something to me the other day that has really resonated, I asked her why God would do this, she said “instead of asking God why he did this be grateful that he was there to save you early on before you got married and had children, instead of letting you be dragged down by the devil. You could have easily got sucked into a life of misery and manipulation” I’ve started therapy to try and find out why I feel the need to put myself on the back burner and care for someone instead of putting myself first. This site has been so resourceful and inspiring, I know the road ahead is long but I have to just trust that I will get to the light, eventually.

Amanda Andruzzi
11:51 am September 26th, 2014

Jennifer,
Your mother is right. You are gaining insight and soon you will gain perspective as you get the help you need. A therapist is an excellent start. I got married and had a child and it made everything harder. He is giving you the chance to be happy and find health for yourself and in a new relationship. Be grateful for that and know that this pain shall pass. You just need to keep him out of your life because he may reappear apologetic and with promises of sobriety.
My mother told me, at a point where I was sick inside and out from my situation. She said that the best revenge is happiness. I have lived by that advice and won’t let another day go by wasting one moment of my life. Once you truly understand what happiness is for you, you will never go back. Please keep me posted and I welcome feedback on my book so keep in touch. I hope it helps.
Best,
Amanda

Jamie
9:31 pm September 27th, 2014

Hi, I’m glad to see there is a blog where I can come to, to read about this kind of things. My situation is my boyfriend who is quite older then me has a really bad alcoholic problem and also pops pills. We have been together for almost 2 years, our relationship is great. He has never been mean, we get along great, my kids love him but alchohol takes over his life. He usues it to medicate his PTSD from the war, he can hardly keep a job. He has to live with his mom because I refer to pay for his way through life. I work very hard, take care of my kids, home, and everything else by myself. But, I get upset because when I need him he is never available because he’s drunk or has been drinking. I have a very hard time trying to let this all go because of how well we connect when he isn’t drinking. We’ve talked a million times about everything, he’s gone to a 24 day program through the VA and got on medication. But, then just right back to it all the second he’s stressed. I’m at a loss, I love him but my heart tells me to let this go because I deserve better but its so hard.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:59 am September 29th, 2014

Jamie,
When we love someone, we tend to look the other way on a lot of things. Although you have a connection and you say he has never been mean, what you describe does sound mean and selfish from an outside view. It is not fair to you for you to have to be the responsible one in the relationship and never have him there for you when you need him. It is not fair or good for you to be with someone who is drunk all the time and cannot keep a job. Being so responsible yourself, this is also not the example you want to set for your children. Someone with an addiction who is actively using cannot be a viable partner in life. So ask yourself if you deserve better, someone who will be a positive force in your life, a shoulder to lean on and emotionally stable.
It is amazing what we learn to accept when we love someone, however, you need to look at yourself here. What are you getting out of this? What does his drinking do to you? How does it affect you, your children? If you see he cannot stay sober, why do you stay? You need to understand what is unhealthy about this situation and what you can do to make it better. That may mean giving him one last chance to get clean and not backing down on what you need from him or most likely it might mean leaving.
I know firsthand the different personalities of a sober person and a person using. The sober person can be so amazing we try to accept, ignore or change the other person. However, the alcoholic and pill popper is a very real part of who this person is and that may never go away and you cannot him change. An addict will change when and only when they are ready and you will know when it is for real. Think about this. click on Amanda Andruzzi in this site to read my other articles on addiction and coaddiction that will be really helpfulp to you. Educate yoursel on addiction and relationships with addicts. ‘Zero tolerance for addiction’ and other articles here may really help you gain more insight. Please feel free to post here any time.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://Www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Jennifer A
2:21 am October 2nd, 2014

Amanda, I think I have finally reached my point of letting go. I went away this weekend and had time to really think. It was the first time in weeks I was able to think and get my thoughts together. I cried so much I could barely see straight, while doing so I broke down and sent him a message, literally begging to see him b/c I needed to physically say goodbye, he did not respond. I begged him and told him I was hurting. I immediately thought about the last email you sent your husband asking him why not once did he fight for his family and you being unable to make pancakes. I like you wanted answers, I’ve been unable to sleep in my own bed bc of the way he left the pillows would remind me of him. After a few hours of not getting a response it was as if a light went off, I have strangers in my life that are more concerned with my well being than the man that supposedly loves me. That is not love, if you can not even respond when that person is pleading with you on the verge of a breakdown and you don’t so much as just say no, I’m sorry, that is cruel selfish behavior. I feel like such a fool for falling so deeply in love with a person that could do this to me. In hindsight he has probably done me a favor but as of right now he mine as well be dead to me. The pain of my shattered heart is still real and apparent as ever but tonight I got the exact sign I needed to move forward and put him behind me forever. I pray that one day I meet someone that will offer the same real, committed and respectful love that I have to offer. Until then I will continue my path of self healing and awareness.
I have a copy of your book with me at all times, if there is a point I feel weak I will retread that last letter and move on. Thank you so much for sharing your story, reading it was my first step to moving on.

Amanda Andruzzi
10:42 am October 2nd, 2014

Jennifer,
I am so happy to hear that you have come to that first step, which is realizing that you cannot go back. That step took me 12 years and 1 child, so although you are in pain, give yourself some real credit. You were able to realize that and that is huge. I am glad my book is helpful for you. I know the pain you are going through and leaving, letting go, and moving on is the hardest thing to do. The pain is sometimes overwhelming and suffocating, I know. But later, when it lessens, you will see things differently. He cannot love you and he doesn’t know how. When you start to feel normal again and ready for a real relationship you will understand that the reason you even loved him so much was because you were not in a good place. My ex, 5 years later, has made no effort to contact me or see his child and I am grateful for that everyday. What addicts have to offer, you will soon want no part of because you will be living a healthy life. Addiction is toxic to everyone it affects and the more time you are around healthy people you will want less and less to do with your ex. Just be kind to yourself right now and find some support that really helps you work on you and get down to the bottom of things. The person in that book you have was at her worst and I am proof today that you can come out of that place. It is not forever, what you feel is temporary, remember that. Now is the time to get strong and do the work to help yourself.
Keep in touch.
Amanda

kaitlyn
8:52 pm October 9th, 2014

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years now, he is a recovering heroin addict and i myself used to smoke a lot of pot. We were basically addicts together except i have never done anything as hard as heroin. We are 20 years old. I know i love this guy very much, i have been going to meetings with him and putting him before myself so we can ensure he gets better. I have been sober 6 months and he has been sober 5. I know it will not be an issue for me to stay clean but i am afraid it could be with him. He just broke up with me saying that we need to focus on ourselves and that he is not ready for a romantic relationship.. i took a step back and realized my extreme codependancy for this man and how i had put myself on pause to be with him and agreed that we should fox ourselves. But now i find myself with all these questions, like is he going to come back to me when he loves himself again? Is our relationship just paused or are we done for good? I dont want to leave him but i am afraid that ill be waiting around for nothing. He has gotten rid of me on social networking and that has really upset me as well. It makes me feel like he is hiding something. I dont know what to do at this point. I know we need to love ourselves before being able to love each other but i am afraid i have lost him completely. He told me he was going to disappear from me for a while… i still have some of his stuff and want to return it to him. But i am unsure because he doesnt want me to speak to him and he says that if things are truly different this time like i had said they would be then he wants me to give him the time he needs. Part of me wants to just have his friend give him his stuff but the other part wants to hold on to it so he has a reason to see me one more time. I dont know what to do. I want answers but i dont want to jeopardize losing him completely, but theres a posibility i did lose him already. I have the chance to see hin oFriday becuse thats the one meeting we both always go to without fail. I am torn and do not know what to do.

kaitlyn
8:57 pm October 9th, 2014

I would also like to add that he has not deleted any of my family from social networking, just me. Sorry for any spelling errors…. sending this from a phone lol

Amanda
2:57 pm October 10th, 2014

Hi Kaitlyn,
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it is not easy for you right now but you may not like what I am going to say. Your ex boyfriend may or may not be using again, you may or may not get back together with him and you may or may not have lost him forever. But all of that do not matter, what does matter is you. You are not a co-addict or codependent just because you love someone, what makes you those things are when you put that person above yourself. It is evident that this may be the case.
When you are okay despite the condition, position, or state of your boyfriend then you will be in a good place. If you were both using substances in your relationship at any point then it may be very well that your connection may not be the most healthy. Your ex may not be contacting you because he is really doing so well or because he is not clean and does not want you to see but regardless of the reason, you need to worry about you and not him.
Whether or not he chooses to come back to you should not matter at this point. What you need to look at is if this is even a healthy situation for you. Perhaps the feelings you have for him are just something that are hard to let go of because of the nature of your relationship. When a relationship is formed by one or two unhealthy individuals, what we miss and long for is the instability of that relationship and the dramatic effect more than we do the actual person.
Is it healthy for you to long for someone who has written you off and will not contact you and may be doing using? In that question lies an answer that will hopefully help you understand that you still need to work on you. The term, if you love them, let them go, truly applies here. But when you let them go, you need to get healthy and move on with your life. A grieving process is inevitable, but do not let it cripple you, keep on moving forward.
You are sober and that is a huge accomplishment.
Everything I am telling you is from personal experience with both co-addiction and codependency. It took me 12 years and one child before I had the strength and courage to leave my addicted spouse and move on. My book, Hope Street, is a memoir of my frightening journey with addiction. It was not easy but the answer for me ended up being very simple. I had a choice, just like you do, and even though I had lost everything I owned, I chose to leave.
I was able to help myself get down to the bottom of why I was addicted to an unhealthy person and it opened up a new world for me. But the pain you are going through is documented in my book to help other people, like myself, truly feel understood. You are not alone, but only you can make the decision to let him go and move forward.
I would recommend packing his box and having your friend return it to your ex and finding a different meeting to go to on Fridays. Keep reading, click on my name in this blog, Amanda Andruzzi, and you will find a great deal of other articles I have written to help you in this exact situation. The best thing to do when you are unsure or scared of something is to educate yourself about it. There is always fear of the unknown but you need to keep getting stronger and conquer that fear. Learn more about why you are feeling the way you do. I hope my experience and expertise can help. Keep me posted Kaitlyn, I really value comments, posts, and feedback. I would love to hear your progress.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzzi, CHC, AADP
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Debbie
11:13 am October 15th, 2014

My drug addict is my 27 year old youngest daughter. She has two children 1 and 8, who are safe and not with her anymore. We have always been extremely close and I have never given up on her getting away from ice. I’ve made-myself miserable by never letting her out of my mind for one second. Making my self sick and depressed.
I let her go about half an hour ago by text. She said thanks and now she’s free…I then thought, ok now what do I do. What is letting her go? What does it do for her that has made her Free? And what the hell do I do now? Does it mean I haveto pretend she isn’t a part of me anymore, that she isn’t a a part of my life?

Amanda Andruzzi
4:06 pm October 17th, 2014

Debbie,
Losing a child to addiction is a very different situation than a spouse. You will never be able to let go to the same extent that you can someone who is not your child.
But much like every addictive relationship there comes a point where you see your efforts are not helping them. The only chance you have for her to get clean may be by letting her go. I am sure you have tried everything possible to help her and when nothing works, that is a good time to let go. You cannot save her even though denying a child help goes against the nature of motherhood, but sometimes our help may be enabling their addiction. She needs to hit a bottom that may never come if you are there to protect her.
You will never stop loving or living for your children but you have to start taking care of yourself. You deserve to have a life not filled with the daily horrors that addiction brings. You can love her but if you can let her go, physically, it may help you and her. My article, Zero Tolerance forAddiction: Help for Families, may be useful for you. I can not take away the pain or the worry but I can tell you that you should not have guilt. She will always be a part of your life but she cannot be in your life while she is using. She is free from having to pretend and lie to you, that is all you freed her from. But you may have given her the chance now to be alone with her addiction and hit bottom. Take care of yourself, love her from a distance. I am here so please post any time you need to talk. Al-anon may be helpful for you or any support group with parents of addicted children. You need a lot of support right now and it will help you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Miss the hugs and kisses
6:29 am October 26th, 2014

My alcoholic husband left me a month ago. I am financially independent and have a comfortable life with great friends. I do well but then I find myself needing to cry for a bit on a weekend night when kids are asleep. I miss my husband … The one before the alcoholism took over. I miss being hugged and kissed…intimacy. This isn’t codependency this is a human need that is normally met in marriage and is now a void in mine. Any advice for this ? And chocolate and physical exercise won’t make the grade!lol!

Amanda Andruzzi
4:39 pm October 27th, 2014

Miss the Hugs and Kisses,
Losing a loved one, especially ending a marriage, regardless of addiction is a painful process for anyone. The addiction sometimes only makes it harder because we know that without it, we still love the person before the addiction started. It is hard to let go of someone we know is only behaving the way they are because of an addiction or a disease. We hold on to the hope that if they get better we can have the old relationship back. However, if you see the addiction is taking over and you are separated, then just like any divorce, you have to let go over time.
There is no amount of chocolate or exercise that will compare to human touch and love, agreed!
Moving on with your life and getting healthy enough to find a new relationship will. Unfortunately this does not happen overnight, so that is why the energy boost and endorphins from exercise and indulging in things like chocolate help in the interim.
It took me 12 years to leave my addicted spouse. I missed all of the good things about our relationship but I did not miss the lies, the deceit, the fear, pain, and everything that went along with his addiction. I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, about my experience with letting go of my husband and the father of my first child. It was not easy, but over time, it was the best life decision I ever made. I was not only lonely but felt extreme rejection and sadness.
Then I made the choice to get on with my life with my daughter and without him. I am now getting my hugs and kisses from my new husband and my 3 beautiful children.
Once you realize that you need to move on with your life, you will realize that you can have something a lot better with someone else!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

kelly
7:23 pm November 5th, 2014

Hi im 37 yrs old i have been with my heroin addict boyfriend for 19 yrs when i first met him i never new he had a drug problem intill one day i checked his pockets and found a needle i love him and so i stood by him he went 2 rehab but that never really worked so since then hes been on and off it he dont enject anymore just smokes it he has done crack in the past but i dont no if he is still doin that now but in the last couple of weeks he has gone from bad 2 really worse he stole money from my purse he pawned my laptop and the other day he pawned my 50inch tv so i had 2 call the police so when they find him they wil arrest him he has never been this bad b 4 i just dont understand how someone u love can change so quick hes not the person he used 2 b so lovely and carin but now hes dissapeard at a drug friends house he dont text or ring 2 let me no he is safe im just so stressed out how can he just throw away 19yrs of bein 2gether its like he just dont care about me anymore.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:46 pm November 6th, 2014

Kelly,
As long as you realize this has nothing to do with you and you cannot change your boyfriend, you will be in a better place. The more you help support his habit, maybe not with money, but with support and by staying with him, the harder it will be for you to be happy and for him to hit bottom. Hitting bottom is something that happens to an addict when they have an addiction and nowhere or no one to turn to and they realize that their habit and way of life is not sustainable.
You did the right thing by calling the police but you may want to be prepared that his descent may not be over, even if he gets arrested. Even when an addict gets help on their own, there is an 80% chance they will relapse. An addict has to make a complete life commitment to change and it sounds like he has done nothing but go back and forth between sobriety and using. It is more likely that he has never stopped using and the times you thought he was sober, he was using another crutch or substance. Remember, addicts lie and I learned that I was told 12 years of lies and even the brief times I thought things were good with my husband were because he was getting better at hiding his addiction at that point.
I know how hard this is for you, I do, but I would not be helping you if I told you that things can get better and you should wait for him to recover. The truth is, you spent 19 years worried about him, focusing on hi, and now it is time to let him go and focus on you. You cannot get help for him, you must see how that has never worked, so maybe you can get help for yourself. Until I found support groups, a therapist and read a ton about co-addiction, I was not able to realize that my husband’s addiction was not just paralyzing him but me as well. Imagine a life without addiction in it, without fear, anger, worry…and then do whatever it takes to leave him and obtain that for you! Read the book I wrote, read books about addiction, read all of my articles here and arm yourself with the knowledge you will need to move on from this chapter of your life and start a new one. You will need to find out what is going on with you that you would allow this type of person into your life and fix it. You have to get to the root of your part in this relationship and why it worked for you. You cannot save him, but the good news is, you can save yourself!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Genie
9:18 am November 10th, 2014

I married my husband in 2008 I noticed a small drinking problem before but didn’t think it was that bad. Over the years it got worse and he went from loving to deceitful and hurtful with his words and once physical he went to jail that night at 4 am him drinking alone he blew a .25 he was hammered. I left him a little over a year ago it was the hardest thing I ever did. He said he wanted to make it all right but his actions was different. I ment a man over time and he treats me like a queen how ever over the last three months I think of my husband who I never finalized the marriage all the time. When I see him I smile and light up. He was been taking aa classes and counseling and all that but only cause it is court ordered. He tells me he wants our marriage back and our family he reminds me of all the things he has been doing and has been sending me positive messages. We even did some counseling and one moment I think I can go back I have extreme anxiety and back out of it. The guy I am with now is very patient through all this I knwo I wouldn’t. Why am I still thinking of him. Why do I have hope and dought when it comes time to commenting to him again. When i try to explain to him I am scared and confused he gets very upset. I know I am hurting is all but how do I love both these men and one who did me so bad over one who treats me like a queen. I grew up with a alcoholic and she was the devil. I swore I would never face that again and here I am today miserable cause I can’t get over him. I think I was fine till I seen him treat his ex girlfriend better then he did me and now he is trying hard to have me come home but I am terrified of a relapse that I was told he will always have a chance of.

Mary
3:05 pm November 11th, 2014

I started seeing a man 7 months ago. I let him move in 5 months ago. Something told me things were wrong from the beginning, but I was so lonely that I continued to let it happen. One month ago he started smoking crack. It all came to a head when a week ago, he brought it to my house and smoked it while I was asleep. I made him leave my home, I am a Christian woman and now I am struggling with, If I did the right thing? what if I could have helped? blah, blah, blah. I am getting some help for my fear of being alone. Can you help me in thinking straight. I am 54 years old and he is 52

anna
9:47 am November 16th, 2014

I’m so scared of leaving my alcholic fiance.he tells me all the time that I won’t find anyone that will love and take care of me like he does. He drinks from the time he gets up to time for bed even at work and worse of all while driving I recently had a nervous breakdown and was put in a mental hospital for a week. I thought that event would have opened his eyes but all he does now is try and hide it from me. How do I get the guts to leave. I love him and don’t want anything to happen to him but he says he don’t need help.please give advice

Amanda Andruzzi
3:08 pm November 17th, 2014

Anna,
Yoi have every right to be scared, but be scared of staying, not leaving. Of course you can find another man to love you even more because he will be present for you. Those are things addicts say to keep you. You must know that you are not alone and this cycle happens all the time; promises, lies, chaos, brief periods of calm and then right back to chaos. He drinks all day so you have to understand the person you think he is or was is not there anymore, only the addict.
I usually recommend reading my articles here on this site to help you get help for yourself because if you stay this is more about your insecurities and codependence but I really need you to read my book, Hope Street and get a real picture of what the rest of your life might be like if you don’t leave.
Hope Street is my memoir of my life with my addicted husband. I wrote it to help people like you who were just like me because I had no one to relate to when I was going through the same thing.
Amanda Andruzzi, CHC AADP IAHC
http://Www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Marie
2:44 pm November 24th, 2014

I stumbled across this blog while searching for something, anything to give me guidance. I don’t consider my fiancee an addict–but I think he is teetering on the fence of alcoholism. We have been together for 5 1/2 years, through good and bad. Over the past 2 years, I feel as though our relationship has slowly been on a downward spiral. We used to have a few drinks together, but when I saw him drinking more and more (and encouraging me to do the same)–I stopped completely and brought it to his attention. He slowed down some and it seemed as though our relationship improved. Then he began smoking cigarettes–I told him that I wouldn’t be around him while he was doing it–it took almost 8 months, but he stopped. Over the past few years, there have been times when we have argued and he has said very hurtful things–and then wake up the next morning and not remember anything. A few months ago after a health scare and being given anxiety pills, I came very close to leaving him because, even though he wasn’t abusing them, he was spending most of his time walking around like a zombie. I told him that because I loved him, I was going to give him a chance to fix the problem rather than just leave him. Things have been going better until this weekend, when he got a DUI.

My boyfriend is a kind, gentle and loving man. He treats me like a queen and he is faithful like no other. I love him, but I am afraid that this is going to be a cycle that just repeats itself. After this most recent event, he says he realizes that he made a mistake. I want to give him another chance to change, but I feel like no matter how he changes, there is always going to be something. I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with–we’ve been planning a wedding, making plans for the rest of our life–but am I always going to have to worry like this? At the same time though, how do I tell the man who loves me and tells me that I am his world that I am going to leave him?

I have read many of your posts and I should say one last thing–I am the child of divorced parents. My father is a long time substance abuser and although I love him, I long ago learned that he is going to do what he wants to do–good or bad. In regards to my boyfriend, I always said that I would not date a man who (a) smoked and (b) had substance abuse issues–drugs, alcohol, whatever. BUT, even though my relationship with my boyfriend didn’t start this way, it has surely ended up being the type of relationship I said that I would never be in.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:20 pm November 24th, 2014

Marie,
What does your gut tell you? I ignored mine and ended up in a 12 year relationship my my husband. It was 12 years of the same and I was left with incredible debt, pain and nothing to show for but one amazing child.
My memoir, Hope Street, is a book about my life with an addict. Maybe this can help you.
I had no idea about addiction but you have seen it firsthand with your father.
If you think he has a problem and you think you should leave you should listen to that voice. Click on Amanda Andruzzi and read all of the articles to help give you more guidance on how to make an informed decision.
But yes, you will always have to worry because life with addiction is not predictable. I am not saying it cannot work but there are no guarantees he will get help or even if he does that he will stay sober. If this life he is offering is not one you want to lead then you can get out now and avoid what I did not.
your life is not over after this, you can move on wiser and happier but that is a decision that you have to make. Please keep posting, let me know how you are doing. Please keep reading, I wrote Hope Street so that I could help other woman and men that love an addict because I felt so alone and frightened.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
www hopestreetmemoir.com.

Nicci
7:27 am December 10th, 2014

Hi, I’m a 39 year old mother of 3 boys, ages 22,12, and 6. All from my long time Meth abuser husband, not to mention my mom has been a user since I was 5 and she’s 60 years old and a full blown addict in the Meth scene. My husband is a hard working Meth addict that makes good money and I stay at home but, its been nothing but chaos and he has the typical selfish and violent behavior when i complain that he is non existant and ignores us, its a constant cycle of of me nagging and crying and him reacting the same way every time. I realize I am the perfect example of a co-dependant enabler and I have let myself be isolated with my Inlaws who are all Co dependant enablers. Ive been wanting to go to a meeting for a year now because I know I need recovery from all this craziness, I’m so tired and depressed and I think I’m scared of loosing my love for him, He’s the only stability I’ve ever had which is crazy for me to think that my life is stable in any way shape or form. I need help just to get myself mentally prepared to go. I know what I have to do but I’m terrified, I’ve lived in chaos my whole life and I don’t enjoy it but I’m obviously staying in it. I need motivation, I’m ready for change. My boys need a calm loving mom who is able to focus on them fully. I love them so much

Amanda Andruzzi
2:17 pm December 12th, 2014

Nicci,

Your mother was addicted almost your entire life. Your husband and his behavior is familiar to you in more ways than you realize and what you know is comfortable. It is all you know so it is no surprise that you loved or love this man. I chose an addict because the chaos, instability and addiction were desirable to me at first because I wanted to fix him. He represented to me a childhood that was broken and I thought I could fix through him.
I was married to a con artist (unknowingly) and addict whose addiction worsened over the 12 years we were together. He ended up a crack adddict and left me and our only child with nothing. But that nothing was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feared losing him and a child for my daughter but in that nothing I rebuilt a life for myself, I life I feared I could never manage on my own. Enlist the support of friends, family, support groups or anyone you can to help give you the strength you need. It is obvious to me that you are sick of all of this. You will be calmer, happier and a better mother without a meth addict in your home.
Please read my other articles to gain more insight and help on how to move on. My article, Zero Tolerance for Addiction, is a great way to get started.
I was there, I was you and it was not until I helped myself was I able to end the cycle of co-addiction. I wrote my book, Hope Street, to help people like you in the same situation I was in. I felt alone, hopeless and scared and I wanted to help others have something to give them hope.
Nicci, you are on the right track. You want more for your life and for your children. You need to and will change your definition of stable over time, not overnight. It took me 12 years but I could not live with the addiction anymore but for a long time I thought I could not live without him. I was wrong, very wrong. Once I left, penniless, a world opened up to me that made me the happiest I had ever been. Once the fear of leaving is gone or even if it remains, you can leave any way.
If you need my help I am here to support you .
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

monica
2:08 am December 15th, 2014

My husband is 27 years old. When we married I have 2 kids from previous marriage and he had one year clean. He seemed to want good things for us and i supported his dreams. His heroin addict mom moved into town and reintroduced him to meth. I found out 10 months in. I gave him a chance to clean up with my support. He cried in desperation asking me to relocate us far away from his mother but I could not afford to. He tried methadone and seemed well but two months in I found needles in my home. He said they were his mothers and I believed him because she stayed a weekend with us. Now, another 6 months have past and I see meth in his eyes. I searched the home and found his drugs and needles. He is a functional addict. He cleans and helps with all the chores but the fact that he was using in the home where my kids live was too much. I kicked him out. His mother and father who keep him on drugs. Well They told him he could not stay with them…not even one night. Now, he is homeless. He says he needs my help. He says he does not want to be a drug addict. He says he cant kick this addiction. I contacted a rehab but there is a two month waiting list. Should I allow him to stay for two months?

Amanda Andruzzi
7:48 pm December 16th, 2014

Monica,
I would love to give you the answer to your question but it is not that simple. If this was happening to a friend what would you tell them to do? Unfortunately no matter what anyone tells you, you will probably end up doing what you feel anyway. You have to be ready to let him go and only you know when you are ready for that.
But your boyfriend was clean and he made a choice to use again. You cannot blame this on anyone else but him. No one forced him to use drugs so this is not your fault, or his mother’s. He was clean and used again and no one forced this on him. Temptation and enabling are part of recovery and an addict that is clean and really wants to stay clean and is ready will have to deal with that. An addict will make excuses and try to blame everyone else but himself for his addiction and as co-addicts we try to sympathize and feel bad for them and their weakness.

What we do know is that he chose to use drugs again, in your home, with your children at home. You helped him all this time and he has lied to you and used drugs behind your back. Do you want to continue to enable this behavior and expose your children to meth, heroin and needles for two more months or two more minutes?

I lived with an addict for 12 years and forgave him too many times but when our daughter turned 5 and I realized she could understand what was going on I had no choice but to leave even if he was her father. I want to tell you to move on but you have to be ready. If I were you, I would read all of the articles I have written here to gain more insight on your situation. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and all articles on this subject will pop up. You can read my book, Hope Street. I wrote about my experience with an addict and I wrote it to help people in your situation because I was there. I felt alone, scared and did not know what to do. People told me every day to leave and I did not, I had to leave when I was ready or it would not last.
But if I had a choice and could go back I can tell you if I could do it all over again, I WOULDN’T!

Monica, I would get some support and listen to your gut. Ask yourself what is best for you and your children (even if it hurts). Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

noemi
10:06 pm December 17th, 2014

I just kicked my crack addicted bf out,now he’s homeless,hungry so he texts.But I could no longer tolerate his verbal,physical n mental abuse n all the money spend on crack,but mostly BC of my lil girl she hearing him abuse me.It does hurt me to know he’s out living on the streets n hungry but my sanity comes first plus that’s his choice to use drugs..I’ve tried getting him help before but he says he don’t need it.Still I feel bad. Did I do the right thing?

Amanda Andruzzi
4:18 pm December 23rd, 2014

Noemi,
You did exactly the right thing! You saved yourself and your daughter from addiction and abuse. It is hard because addicts can manipulate and pull in your heartstrings and it is a sad situation. But this is not your fault nor your problem. He finds money to use so he can be resourceful if he really wants something right? You have tried to help so he has had many chances I am sure. You can let him know if he needs help to get clean you can assist him into rehab but nothing else. He has a choice, he can get clean and then start his life over but it has to be his choice.
I understand your pain, fear and worry but you have a child to protect and having her be exposed to crack addiction is wrong.
Please get some support for yourself and try to focus on you and your daughter now. If he is ever going to clean up it will not be something you can do anyway. Please find a local support group, Al-anon, read more of my articles here or my book and try and understand what you can do to heal and move on.
Amanda Andruzzi,
Hope Street Memoir

Angela
3:43 am December 27th, 2014

I am the wife of a drug addict. Im tired and cant deal with him anymore. He’s paranoid and abusive at times. I live in a state where I have no family. Im all alone

Amanda Andruzzi
1:48 pm December 29th, 2014

Angela,
Take some time to figure out what you really want and what is realistic for your situation and then take the steps to do that. If you are leaving, move to the state where your family is, or if for some reason you cannot, then start making an exit plan today. Keep reading my articles here to find some really helpful information on how to start that process financially, physically and emotionally. Thank you for sharing.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

noemi
6:30 pm December 29th, 2014

Thank you Amanda for responding.Honestly it hasn’t been easy but all your articles n other peoples stories have help.And I know I did n doing the right thing for myself n daughter,n soon my heartache will lesson,but more important there’s again peace in my home n don’t have to worry him coming home at 3 in the morning waking me up with verbal words n sometimes physically.All that is what’s keeping me strong n keeping him away.Also praying alot,once again thank you Amanda .

Amanda Andruzzi
5:29 pm December 30th, 2014

Noemi,
I am here to help anytime so feel free to keep reading and posting. It will get so much easier. Time heals all wounds. When you look back and you are in a healthier situation, maybe even in a healthier relationship, you will thank God you never have to go back to that place.
Taking a positive experience from a negative one; you will learn to appreciate the good things and people in your life more and open up to positive people and experiences. You will know exactly what I mean soon enough!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author

Ash
2:48 am January 1st, 2015

My husband is an meth addict he has been gone for over 2 months from our family home. He swears he is now clean and has been turning up to the house begging to see me and the kids. I want him here but I don’t want him here at the same time! I don’t no what to do he has lied to me for 7 years I don’t no if I can ever bounce back from this. He may be clean now but I will continue to ask myself is he actually clean or just lying again? He has no one no support no family no friends I am all he has and I worry this is why I still hold onto him so much and let him hold onto me because he has no one else!
I just want to be happy I just want a happy stable life for my children and I no fighting no disappearing husband for a few days every few weeks no answering of phone calls no returning of text messages I don’t want to live like this anymore but I can’t help but feel drawn to him again the more he tells me he loves me and needs me and can’t live without me :( I am so confused

Confused
11:42 pm January 2nd, 2015

I am so glad i ran accross this site. I feel sometimes like its me. Its good to know i am not the crazy one that my alcoholic ex bf made me out to be. We were together for only 2 years and yet i am having a hard time with the break up. My brain tells me it wasnt healthy…same as all your stories (non stop lying, always trying to connect the dots for stories to see if they are truth, constant flirting with other girls, telling me i was insecure). We have talked.since the breakup, which he wanted, and it seems to make it worse for me emotionally. He twisted everything back on me! They should all be labed with a warning! I just want him out of my head and the pain to go away!!

the boyfriend of
11:20 am January 10th, 2015

Dear Amanda,

Enjoying your article late night. I just wanted to share my plight as a boyfriend, middle age of an addict women, (both early 50’s), who i knew from childhood and we started an affair 2 yrs ago.
I grew up, and recreational drug use, marijuana and etc…I didnt know her that well, but there were those who got into heroin (like this girl), and they kind of vanished from the neighborhood. 30 yrs later thru a social network we connect, and she’s living out of town and pops up at my house un-expected, but quite articulate, and un-intoxicated to my eye anyway and lookign great.
We connected on all levels, she told me “shes not an addict anymore”….I didnt really know what it meant. I had no idea what “not being an addict meant”..
So it was around 2 months of incredible fun, followed by her journey to her state where she lives, and a detour to her relative in the south AFFAIR #1….I started to meltdown this incredible person who “isn’t an addict anymore”, just a casual drinker and usally “doctor prescribed” zanax, had betrayed me out of the blue.
Long story short, she gets back to her home, calls we make up, i spend the next 6 months, OUT OF MY LIFE, in her city, hanging around, for the most part having fun, but the honeymoon starts to fade, as it appears the roomate she has is actually her legal husband…
And it went on from there, to hell and back. I want to share with the people in boyfriend/girlfriend of addicts the fact that FOR ME, the 12-step rooms were tough (ALANON and etc). FOR ME, alot of people married to, or parents of addicts, had no clue, that i was in the same predictament as they were, even though i did not live with and was not married to this girl.
Very tough going, and in the rooms, most of the men were indeed alcoholics or addicts entering alanon because of (their parents, wives or whatever), so I had really really bad advice, from controlling manipulating male acloholics in alanon, and i was floundering to find a good therapist which i finally did in jan 2014.
When you’re in a relationship with an addict, who’s constantly taking your inventory, the last thing you need is a BAD support person “taking your inventory”. SUPPORT IS SUPPORT, not telling me what to do.
Your list above #1 is SUPPORT PEOPLE.
I had none. I had neighborhood male friends who knew her, from childhood too, and jumped right in the middle, and I had bad support in alanon, where the word “addict” can’t be mentioned in the town i live in, only alcoholism is discussed in alanon.
So from Sept 2012, thru Dec 2013, I got no education. I had no idea what i was up against. NARANON, in Dec opened my eyes. Their literature is a totally different animal than alanon.
I/MYSELF, needed to understand the disease. THAT was my fix. Then a concentrated effort with a therapist, jan 13 to present, daily, convinced me, WHAT ADDICTION WAS, and this lovely girl i thought was lovely was basically an un-recovered addict.
Lessons for me
1- there’s no such thing as “i used to be an addict”. They must stay in recovery for life, anything less than that is false information.
2- Therapy is not the treatment for addiction. (along the way i found her a therapist—waste of time unless its in conjunction with full time attendence of NA).
3- I was probably SLOW to recognize how bad she was because i did not live with her.
4- Her disease is more cunning than almost any other mental illness on the planet. Addicts are probably the best liars on the planet. Im NOT bad or stupid because i belived her.
5- I had to remove at least 3 unhealty lifelong male friends, who were part of the problem, not part of the solution.
6- addicts will say and do anything to keep you engaged, hooked in. The same effort they use to aquire illegal drugs.
7- Clean and sober means CLEAN AND SOBER, NO DRINKING, NO ZANAX, NO PSYCH MEDS, it means FIXING THE ATTITUDE IN NA. Its a disease of the “Attitude” not of the substance, and quite common for them to switch from opiates to drinking to benzos, anything to get a buzz.
8- Major cities have better meetings. i live in suburbia. Going to a major city near me, where dating people are affected by addicts, helped me tremendously. Narnon,is great for me, CODA is great too. hearing opposite sex people share the same pain i went thru helped me alot.
9- These facts im stating will never ever ever make sense to an “active addict” or a “recovering addict”. I can not seek support in any room from recovering addicts. It didnt work for me well, and still doesnt. Their program of AA or NA is completely different than mine, even if they’re coming to the emotional support meetings.

10 Im done beating myself up and moving to freedom. Oh also, No contact DID NOT WORK FOR ME. ITS NOT THE END-ALL solution, like some will suggest out in the rooms. Easiers said than done, and FOR ME not necessary. Boundaries was the key.
11- Fear of abandonement? in the case of dating, they don’t dissapear. but by working on myself educating myself in the disease of addiciton, I was able to get clarity and set boundaries.
Its quite common for them to pop up, keep calling and texting, by me getting stronger, it matters way less.
This is only what i’ve learned and what has indeed worked for me.
Hope this wasn’t too long, thanks for this wonderful site, hope to read your book soon,

The boyfriend of an addict.

Dee
1:58 am January 11th, 2015

I was with my ex fiancé for 19 months. He was an alcoholic. He could stick to just having a couple of drinks in the evening, a few more on Friday nights, which I never objected to, for a few weeks, maybe a month or so but then the need to get blind for days would take over and he would make some excuse, or cause an argument to get away and I wouldn’t see him for days. He wouldn’t answer his phone or call me to say where he was or what he was doing, then stagger in at the end of it and expect me to carry on like normal. Then he used to get angry with me because i didnt trust him. How can you trust someone like that??? He actually did this to me nine times in the 19 months we were together. The last time was just three weeks before our wedding was due to take place. I had had enough of sitting crying worrying about him, so I decided to go out myself. He found our about this and obviously didn’t like it, text me and told me it was over, a decision I had already made anyway. I’m 51 years old, have been married once, have 3 grown children and knew I couldn’t marry this man, even though I love him with all my heart. I organized for him to come and collect his things when I wasnt here and that was that. That was over 2 months ago and I’m still really struggling with the break up and I still love him with all my heart. It’s been made worse by the fact that he hasn’t even bothered to talk to me face to face or even phone me sober. All I’ve gotten are drunken abusive texts and a couple of drunk phone calls when his dog that I still had got sick. I just feel so used and hurt, it was as though I meant nothing to him, I struggled through all those hurtful times, put up with the mood swings, the lies and the disrespect for what?? Obviously he doesn’t care, he went off and buried his head in the booze bottle, left everything to me, canceling things for the wedding, which was very hurtful and embarrassing, no offer of help, no financial help with things and not even have the decency to face me to apologize or take responsibility etc. I’ve read enough to know that alcoholics live in a totally different world, but it still hurts like hell and I’m having difficulty moving forward. I have good days, then other days I just feel like crying all day. I know I could never be with him again, it’s too difficult and I felt like I was losing myself in his issues. Plus I don’t deserve the disrespect. I always did the right thing by him, looked after him and basically put him before myself. It just hurts that I didn’t mean enough to him to even come and talk to me in person, or even call me, just all done via text messages. Can u please give me some suggestions how I can get closure within myself and start to move forward? I have my children, grandchildren and some great friends, but it’s just so difficult because I still love him so much, I feel that he is my soul mate because when things were good they were really good, he could be so kind, caring and generous and we had lots of fun together. Any advice would be most appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:04 pm January 12th, 2015

Confused,
Do not be so confused. That is the “magic” of addiction. Just when you think you are doing the right thing, the addict will swoop down and make you feel unjustified, confused and crazy. I can promise you, if you are the sober party in this situation, it is not you, your gut is always right and the more he is out of your life, the less confused you will be. You did the right thing and chances are your problems with him did not stem from you, especially not entirely. The one thing a co-addict has to do is end the cycle and it sounds like you did that so keep moving forward and don’t let him back into your life because that will just help you keep re-opening old wounds.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
Hope Street Memoir

Amanda Andruzzi
3:19 pm January 12th, 2015

the boyfriend of,
It sounds like you have learned a lot and come a long way. I rarely hear the male perspective on co-addiction so I really appreciate your comments here. Each co-addict will have their own journey and learn what works for them. If you click on Amanda Andruzzi http://addictionblog.org/author/amanda/, you will find all of my articles on this blog. Usually people are attracted to this article because of the title but the others are extremely helpful and talk a lot about finding ways to recover that do not involve al-anon. Al-anon did not work for me but I took what I needed from it and used a multifaceted approach. I found friends, support people, a local support group, utilized family and most importantly got a new life and moved on. What works for you and for the next person may be extremely different but whatever it takes is what we all must do.
Addiction is sinister, it is sneaky, it is filled with lies and broken promises and that is why addicts have the ability to prey on those of us who love them because we have a weakness. I do not want to make the whole thing sound so primal but to some degree it is. An addict has a problem that allows them to not care about others and only care about getting high. They can and will do whatever they need to and that includes manipulation.
That is why my blog focuses on you, on me and people who are dealing with an addict. We need to get strong and worry about what another person’s problem is doing to our lives.
Once we realize what is really going on (sometimes takes a long time and is easier said than done), we have to understand our part in it. We have to take responsibility for our own actions and how we contribute to the cycle of our addictive relationship.
We all have the power, someone within, to end the cycle, but it takes a lot of courage, education and support to do that. That is why I am here, wrote my book, Hope Street, and continue to advocate for the co-addict.
I like what you are doing and I am excited that you did not stop when you felt like you were getting “bad” help. You persevered, and kept looking for the answers to your questions.
I am hopeful everyday that people find my blog because I know it means they are starting to search for answers and looking for help.
Thank you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

The boyfriend of
8:59 pm January 13th, 2015

Hi Amanda,

thanks for your response, very well put, and that was a large part of my issues working the programs, even though its stated “every situation is unique”,,,,men i was meeting seemed to feel their opinion on what i should do, even if they were not in the same situation or never had been, was “what i should do”.
I think thru the therapist and naranon, i got more targeted at my issue. Im not a fan of the phrase co-addict (in my case), I had an over-burdening sense of responsibility to another person, an addict, who possesses no responsibility whatsoever to me, and for me this is the fundamental link of codependency and naranon touches on this alot. Thru daily analysis with my therapist and working an abundance of meeitngs nightly, I even had people in SLAA tell me i was “addicted to addicts”, and to this girl, to which my therapist responded “if you were addicted to addicts every single person in your life would have to be an addict” , and my therapist knows who else is in my life and that I’ve held a responsible job for 30 yrs. He feels the primary indicator of an addict is “absolute lack or responsibility towards others”. My girlfriend acted like she gave a hoot, but her actions did not match her words.
Another expression I like is “actions” not words matter. Examples would be her saying she wants to be with me, but any time an opportunity was present she would flirt, or get a number or be with another man, actions can include them seeking recovery for their problem, which I belive their disease tells them not to,
So i would get lured into these conversations addressing her rationalizing, justifying her behaviors, or minimizing its affect on me for example “oh he means nothing, he likes me thats all”, or “its nothing like you and me have”,,or the classic gaslighting “you’re imagining things, its not what you think”.
Gaslighting for me, was a powerful phrase, I learned along the way. Yes even my therapist said mostly he does hear my plight from women. I dont know why, maybe its a macho thing, but there is emotionally abused men out there…however i have found some decent sensitive heterosexual men in Coda who identify with my experiences.
As each situation is unique, i like all the programs, and it depends the city, and if I get burned out on one meeting or the vibe/people change, i gotta find a different one. My issue of co-dependency, my journey is quite different than a recovering alcoholic. IN my opinion, they struggle to learn responsibility, in recovery, which is 180 degress opposite my issue of over-responisibility and accountability, so I wish them well, just I have to keep boundaries in place, if I talk too long to a recovery AA/NA person, because it is a completely different program, and even i meet them in Alanon, coda, naranon or SLAA, I get brain twisted, their primary recovery is AA/NA, and their approach to these emotional programs will be different than what “I NEED”. I’ve only met a few recovering AA/NA’s who have the perspective that my situation might indeed be totally different than theirs and my solution might be totally different.

Thanks again for the great site and for the additonal link above. I’ve been looking for sites like this for a long time, glad to find yours.

The boyfriend of.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:44 pm January 14th, 2015

The boyfriend of,

As in any situation, when we want advice, we look to find people with a similar experience and understanding. We are all alone in our specific situation and needs but we all have parts that are the same, that we can share. The important part is to take what we need, give back some and then work on our issues so we can be who we want to be and live life accordingly.
We can coin the term anyway we want, codependent, co-addict, addicted to an addict, the inherent truth is that we need something and we keep looking for it with a person who cannot help us get it and in the end no one can. What we learn is we have to give it to ourselves, be whole on our own and on our own terms. Glad you found us here too!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
Hope Street

Alondra
9:09 pm January 15th, 2015

hi i am 19 year old female who is struggling with a serious addiction relationship me and my boyfriend consume drugs and I am not happy in the relationship nomore i want to finish before things can go worst for me but i have no idea how to let go it seems like everytime im about to accomplish it he comes back idont know what to do or how im feeling nomore .. pls help pls

Amanda Andruzzi
4:57 pm January 16th, 2015

Alondra,
You are in the right place and it is good that you are seeking help. It sounds like you are also using drugs, correct me if I am wrong “me and my boyfriend consume drugs.” Your recovery might involve more than just leaving your boyfriend if that is the case.
They key here is to get help. Do not be afraid to ask for help, you will be surprised how many people will come out of the woodwork to help you. You will probably find that people were waiting for you to say things needed to change.
You need a detox or recovery program for yourself and then you can deal with the codependent drug induced relationship after. Please find your local resources or go straight to any local hospital and ask for support. I do not know the specifics of your situation but telling your parent/s might also be the first step. It is likely, they can find you treatment.
The next step is cutting off all communication with your boyfriend so that you can start to think clearly and focus the attention off of your relationship and onto you, where it is needed.
Al-anon, Nar-anon may be a first step at getting help if you feel you do not have support to get out of the relationship or get clean yourself.
You are young and it is likely that these mistakes will continue until you wake up one day and wonder what happened to your life, so please get help to break this cycle now. It makes me really happy that you are looking for answers because it means you recognize something is wrong and that is the best way to start.
Do not be afraid to leave your boyfriend and go for help, and even if you are afraid, do it anyway!
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
Hope Street memoir

erica
9:54 am January 22nd, 2015

I am currently living with my boyfriend who is a addict to meth we have been together 5 years and have 2daughters together age 1and 3 i cant handle it anymore everyone has tryed to help him but he wants no help he is type 1diabetic and doesn’t take care of himself he locks himself in a room for like 2 days doesnt come out and neglects me and our children he does work but alot of times doesnt call or show up. I am a stay at home mom i dont have a car or job i want to leave him im afraid to he scares me and i know if i tale our kids away he will threating me i want to leave to a shelter with them but so afraid that when i go for custody he would win because i have no job and no place i cant loose my children thete my world amd i dont want them living with a drug addict either i need help what can i do please help me

Amanda Andruzzi
1:25 pm January 23rd, 2015

Erica,
Breathe. You are in a situation where I myself have been. It is scary and no one who has not been through it will truly understand. I had the same fears. Just know that they will not take your children away from you. You are the sober parent and they do not allow children to stay with a drug addict even if he has a job. Courts do hair tests that go back for a year, so if it ever came to that, you do not have to worry. Chances are, when you leave he won’t even follow through with a custody battle because his addiction will take over.
Fear of leaving is nothing compared to the fear and pain you live with everyday. Now is the time for you to get strong. You need to start caring for yourself and let him go. You are not responsible for your husband’s addiction but you are responsible for your health and the health of your children.
Take some time to get your things in order, find support from friends and family that can help you. Start looking for work and a place or people that can help you with your children. You need to have a plan. In my book Hope Street, I was a stay at home mom but I was forced to leave because my drug addicted husband lost everything. I had nothing but debt and a five year old. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but the best thing I have ever done. There is life after addiction. I am living proof. Please keep reading the articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will come up. Educate yourself and things won’t feel so hopeless. If you know there is a way out, even if it takes a year, you will start to get your life back.
I recommend pooling your resources, figuring out what you can do on your own, what people that love you can do to help, go to family court and see what your options are and start planning your exit.
Hope Street is my story and how I did it, how I survived is all there. I wrote it to help other people facing the addiction of a loved one. Keep posting, I welcome feedback and am here to help.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author Hope Street memoir

Lynn
10:02 pm January 24th, 2015

Hi, I have been with this person for over 10 years. He’s a wonderful person. I just found out that he’s been using cocaine for over a year. It breaks my heart. He’s tried quitting on his own, but has been unsuccessful. I have broken it up so many times but always ended up going back. I really want to help and pray everyday that he could go back to the way he was.. I’m so sad and depressed over this. We fight all the time. I really want to break free of this, because deep down, I know he will never stop.!!! Please help!!!!

Codependent Wife
7:35 am January 25th, 2015

I have been with my heroin addict husband for 18 years. It hasn’t always been a life like this. He was clean when we met but the ugly dragon has been around, off.and.on, for the past 9 years. We have a beautiful 16 year old daughter – great kid. We own a beautiful home. We both have great jobs, BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! It’s NOT OK! How did my life get to this point? HOW do I LET GO?!!!??? The sad part is that my husband is a kind soul with a BAD PROBLEM. Oh, he has tried to quit more times than I can count. He can “do it alone” – YEAH RIGHT! I want desperately to let go – my heart has been broken in so MANY pieces – I just can’t find the strength to pick up those pieces and make it “work” anymore. I want DESPERATELY to move on but WHY CAN’T I? Someone HELP ME……..PLEASE……

Shawna
9:41 pm January 27th, 2015

Hello, All I can say is thank God I’m not alone. I fell in love with my boyfriend because he was kind general an we could communicate an he looked at me like no man ever did he loves me the way no man have ever attempted or at least I thoought he did . He is addicted to opiates I have been with him for 3 half years his constant lien saying he loves me he will get clean an stay clean his verbal abuse when confronted about lies an theft an deception. I don’t talerat his drug useage I pay for everything I need an my children I have 2 daughter teenage daughters at that . I feel guilty for allowing someone like this in our home an that’s one thing I have always tried to do is not let the outside world in my home to protect my children . Sorry I am all over the place .I feel like because he has put us an our relationship an livlyhood in a tail spin I feel like I’m crazy an of course this smart man who I love try’s to convince me I’m loosen my mind. I am full of pain anger regret guilt an empathy . How do I move forward he was everything that cometed me physically mentally and emotionally . I love him but I have to be honest I find my relationship with him has made me bitter an hard to trust anyone . I stay so upset an I can’t sleep can’t eat wake up filled with anxiety an panic an full of fear an this emtpty feeling an sick feeling. He has me questioning my self an who I am . Like my gut feeling ” intuition ” I know what I feel I know what my gut tells me but he said becaus of all the teams I have experienced that’s what clouds my thought normally . He will admit he uses but only after I nag an grip because his disappearing acts . I am different than most women I here I will confront him I want let him In my home I will allow him to see what his addiction is coasting me mentally an physically . I stand up for me because I have learned that this will at least make him stay clean for a few days or weeks . I guess one of my questions is why is he so angry with me why does he blam me could he even love me if he talks so bad to me an he has put his hands on me in a fit of rage always threating me to cause harm to me is it the drug does he ever feel guil for what he has done . I feel panic to think I will go back to him if he calls or texts me . I’m scared he will overdose of I leave I wouldn’t forgive my self I’m facing homelessness I’m stuck in a very bad situation an his family believes his lies an tells me I shouldn’t be to hard on him .. Please help I have no one to turn to or even communicate with about this. I at work an the only soldier on the front line with out a weapon .

Amanda Andruzzi
11:47 pm January 27th, 2015

Lynn and Codependant Wife,

I understand your feelings and thank you both for sharing. I wrote a memoir of my experience with my cocaine addicted husband that lasted twelve years, we had one daughter. I wrote Hope Street to help other people going through what I did. I have a good amount of articles here as well to give you the information you need to get help and get out of this situation.
It is hard to leave, so sometimes by helping ourselves we can leave emotionally so we can find the strength to leave physically. I recommend educating yourself and finding a support person or group to help you understand more.
It is also helpful to read the other posts here so that you can see you are not alone and it usually doesn’t end unless you make it. Please keep me posted and I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street

Amanda Andruzzi
1:32 am January 28th, 2015

Ash and Dee,
I am sorry I may have not responded to your posts, sometimes I do not get notified.
It is very helpful to look at other posts because we are all in the same situation. I also have other articles here but the idea and major theme here is we, as coaddicts, need to get help for ourselves and help eachother make some major changes. Keep reading and posting, we are all here to help.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street

Eleonora
10:15 am January 29th, 2015

Hi, I am 27 years old with an 18 month baby and 8 month pregnant with the second one. This should be one of the best moments of my life, but unfortunately, loving an addict for the last 5 years of my life doesn’t allow it to the fullest.
I left my husband 3 months ago, and moved back home near family who could support me. About a week ago, during the sleepless nights that being 8 months pregnant brings about, I googled something like how to stop loving an alcoholic? I found this post and read some comments and jumped on Amanda’s suggestion to read her book.
I read the book in less than a week, sobbing a lot of parts as it was my own life, except the financial drama. My husband is sending some money for the baby girl at least. However, it is not enough. And knowing addiction, it normally doesn’t end well. If losing his license indefinitely, losing his wife and daughters was not enough to hit a rock bottom, I don’t know what will.
I reached my rock bottom when I came back home from classes I was taking to finish my career to become a counselor, and found my husband not sober with our little innocent daughter. I saw it on her skin then, and decided it was healthier and safer for me to leave. There is a lot of other reasons why I should have left and I wished I did before putting other lives in this mess, but I also can’t see my life without my daughters now. They give me the reason to be strong and healthy and not put up with my husband’s addiction anymore. Someone who can call his pregnant wife at 2 in the morning to go pick him up (my first pregnancy). Someone who can leave his pregnant wife with a high fever at home with a toddler to go spend the night out with his buddies (my second pregnancy). That’s not healthy and it doesn’t feel like love, and it’s only a very tiny percentage of what I had to put up with daily. It was like having to deal with a 3rd baby, actually worse.
I am thankful for people like Amanda who help others by sharing their own story. Nobody can understand as good as someone who’s been through it. I hope when I get my life back together I can also be helpful for a lot of people.
I couldn’t stop reading the book, I really wanted to get to the end of it to know there was light at the end of the tunnel! It is definately what I need to know right now. I think my daughters and I deserve a happy ending. I hope there is one for us as well. It’s hard to feel sure I did the right thing by leaving him, but I feel reassured when I hear other people’s happy ending like Amanda’s.
I am angry at myself sometimes I ended up marrying someone with deep addiction, and that my daughters don’t get to have play daddy with them cause he’s more concerned with drinking, his buddies, kayaking, and just plainly only concerned about himself. With my education, my past as a child, I should have read the signs I should have stayed away before having a family with him but instead, I fell for his acts and manipulations and lies, but nothing I can change now.
I’ve always been so scared of dying and wanted to live life to the fullest. I can’t accept wasting any more time than I already have on someone who doesn’t care enough and only gives a little money for us. We are worth much more than that.
This is one of the hardest times of my life and I honestly still have hope of him changing before my heart becomes unavailable. I wished we could fix the family  it is very hard to accept it’s not possible. However, I think it’s been over a long time ago I have just kept hanging on like if letting go meant that I was going to die. I see and realize I am not perfect,  I know I contributed to the drama sometimes, but I also see how much healthier I am after only 3 months of leaving him. I have peace, stability, and simply a sense of calmness and not much to worry about. No more roller coaster that being with him implied.
Would love to hear some thoughts. People who understand normally will tell me how strong I was to do this and that it was the right choice. There is also pressure from the other side. Any response would be appreciated!

Amanda Andruzzi
11:05 pm January 30th, 2015

Eleanor’s,

First of all, you are strong, you are a good mother and you absolutely did the right thing. It makes me reAlly happy to know my book helped you, it is the numbers one reason I wrote it. When I was going through this I searched for something, anything I could relate to and there was nothing and I knew I was not the only one.
Please keep doing what you are doing and worry about you and your children. I promise if you keep him out of your life it will be easier in the long run because if he gets clean it won’t be anything you do to help him as hard as that sounds.
You sound like a wonderful and brave person and I have high hopes for you. You have a great life ahead of you, you will use your energy, once spent in the addict now for yourself and the life you want. When you don’t have the addict to deal with your life will be your own again, on your own terms.
Since my book, Eleanor, I have had my third child with my second husband and my first child has happily adjusted to her new father. We are a very happy family and the only way that can happen is if you get better and focus on you. Wonderful things happen and doors open when you do that. Please keep hopeful and keep me posted. I am grateful for your feedback.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi

Gayla
6:47 pm February 1st, 2015

I met an addict about 6 months ago. But he told me and my mom that he was drug free for 6 years which overtime I found out was a lie. We moved in together very fast because of course he was very charming. A month of us living together he went out using. He promised it would never happen again. But it happened over and over. Then started the heavy drinking. Then losing his job. One night escalated into his rage. He grabbed my cell phone and backed me in a corner. I ran upstairs got on home phone to call 911. He ripped phone out of wall. Coos showed up and he went to jail. My mom is bailing him out because she knows I love him and sees my struggle with this. She is taking him to his dsds to live because I told him I need some time and some space. He claims he is going to change and stop drinking and stop using and win me back. I don’t believe anything he says anymore. He is a great guy when he isn’t using. I am on an emotional rollercoaster ride and I feel like a failure that I can’t just let go. I cry and I cry ..my heart literally hurts.

Crystal
1:06 am February 2nd, 2015

I’m 28 living with a addict he constantly lies ,don’t answer my calls when he leaves turn his phone off also I’m pregnant for him this Is his first child he constantly putting me at stress I don’t know what to do one day he says he don’t have the desire for it and then he does the same thing again …please help what should I do…

Amanda Andruzzi
4:04 pm February 2nd, 2015

Dear Crystal and Gayla,

You are both in different situations but yet they are quite similar. You are both in love with an addict. What you need to know is that when a person is an addict, you cannot be sure who you are in love with. An addict lies, manipulates, hides, and at the drop of a dime will turn into a different person so much that you are not sure if the person you fell in love with is the REAL person. This is all too common in co-addictive relationships.
It is scary, difficult, mind boggling and breaks your heart over and over again.
However, the reason we love an addict has less to do with them and more to do with us. The help we need is not for the addict but for ourselves.
I was married to an addict, a con artist, and cheater for over 12 years and we had one child. Hope Street, is my memoir of my last year living with my ex-husband. I went through everything you are feeling right now and what I learned was that I could not help the addict, I was not responsible for his addiction and that I HAD to help myself. Once I really understood what I had to do, things changed for me.
Please keep reading, keep finding out information to educate yourself on addiction because you are not alone and addicts all do the same things. Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and you will find many articles here to help you. The key here is to get help for you, find support to help you get strong. There is a better life and it took me a long time to realize I could do it on my own. There is hope, you just have to take the steps you need to take to move on.
Keep me posted, I am here to help!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published auther, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Anna
2:18 am February 3rd, 2015

I have been married to an alcoholic for 8 years he left our home 4 months ago. He said he wants a divorce but has yet to file. I began therapy 3 months ago and bought and read every book on alcoholism and codependency that I did not already have! I struggle with my marriage as I cannot find fault for divorce. On the other hand I feel that hope is dwindling. I’ve made strong changes and set healthy boundaries by detaching. I find myself leaning towards divorce as my husband has made no effort to take action to make changes for himself. He has not met me half way on doing the work of change. So here is my question … And I know there is no good answer… How long do you wait when your loved one is stuck in addiction ??? When you have stopped being part of the victim. Rescuer, persecuter. In other words you have eliminated yourself from the triangle of codependency and ceased to make them worse?

Amanda Andruzzi
4:19 pm February 3rd, 2015

Anna,

How long do you wait when your loved one is stuck in addiction ???

There is no easy answer. It is an individual choice. This may sound like a cliche but you will make a change when YOU are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It sounds like his addiction is number one and he is moving on so RIGHT NOW might be a good time to put yourself first for a change.
My book and memoir, Hope Street, may be helpful because it too, took me a very long time to get out of marriage to an addict. But again, you must make the change, it has to come from you and if you wait, you may end up waiting forever.
Do not give another person the power to dictate your ability to be happy, it sounds like that is what he has done or you have allowed him to do here. I have been in your exact situation and it took me 12 years, 1 child and one book to get over it.
So the answer to your question is when will you be ready???
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on coaddiction

Gayla
4:18 pm February 4th, 2015

My addict for the first time will be checking into a 3 month rehab center. I really hope this helps him. Right now I am having faith and hope he will change without losing myself. Time to focus on me and doing some healing while he is away doing his healing.

gina
5:56 pm February 4th, 2015

Thank you amanda,,nothing changes,i let go and am now divorce,.i am so very happy ,it took my god and first lady from church to help me through it all,again thank you very much.

Amanda Andruzzi
4:38 pm February 6th, 2015

Gayla,

You have a good point, now is the time to take the focus off of him and on to you. Regardless of the outcome of his rehab you need to be okay. But even after he leaves or if he does not finish, you have to not go back to making his addiction your problem. Try al-anon, books on Codependant behaviors and co-addiction and get to the root of your issues, it will make dealing with the addict a lot better.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

wendy
1:03 pm February 9th, 2015

Hi I had been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 12yrs. I only realised the extent of his addiction 4yrs ago, for my sanity and the sake of our 2 children I decided to end the relationship 2yrs ago. Since then he has not bothered with our 2 children and doesn’t pay child support. I find this so hard to understand how he can just move on as if they don’t exist. I find it heartbreaking to try explain to the kids why Dad doesn’t see them. I wouldn’t really appreciate some advice and maybe some understanding of his behaviour. Thank you

Amanda Andruzzi
6:09 pm February 9th, 2015

Wendy,
Thank you for sharing with us. You must know that you did the right thing in ending your relationship with someone who put addiction and alcohol first in his life. Addiction runs its course differently for everyone but it is selfish at its core so it is not uncommon for an addict to disappear when the relationship ends, even if children are involved. I hear a lot of women tell me that even though their partner is an addict that they would never abandon their children, only to be left feeling shocked when that happens.
I was married to an addict for 12 years and when I finally had no choice but to leave, I was also one of those woman. I never thought that my ex-husband would disappear without a trace. I was left to provide for our child myself with no income, debt and zero financial or emotional support from him. It has been five years and although I am remarried with two more children, and we are a happy and well-adjusted family, it still hurts to know my daughter’s father completely abandoned her.
However, I try to look at the positive of this situation which may help you. If my daughter’s father were in her life, she would be torn by trying to love someone who could not truly love or care for her and she would be exposed to addiction, to anger and all of the ugliness that goes along with it. By leaving, my ex-husband gave my daughter a chance for a real childhood. It sounds cruel, but I believe, for me, the best thing was to let her move on and not have to try to love a father who would constantly disappoint her and who she would probably have to see high and sick and who could potentially be abusive.
The behavior of leaving is normal on the part of the addict because addiction is completely selfish, the only thing they can hear, see, taste and smell is their drug. Please try not to take this personally and try to see his leaving and a new lease on life for you and your children. For a long time I simply told my daughter that her father was sick and needed help and unfortunately did not get help. He loved her the only way he knew how but was too sick to be in her life and I left it at that. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir on my experiences with my addicted husband and the aftermath. I struggled much like you did but in the end realized that being positive and trying to look on the bright side not only helped me but was a good example for my daughter. I know my words may not ease your suffering but hopefully you will understand that you are not alone in this, that what has happened to you can be very common for the behavior of an addict and that there is hope. Keep me posted and I really appreciate your feedback.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

rosemary
3:09 am February 10th, 2015

HELLO I’M HURT TO THE CORE I’VE BEEN WITH MY ALCOHOLIC HUS OVER 12 YRS BATTLING WITH HIS ADDICTION SEPARATING OVER 5OR 6 TIMES THROUGHOUT MARRIAGE WHEN I FIRST MET HUS HE TOLD ME HE ONLY DRANK A LITTLE BEER HERE AND THERE AND IN THE BEGINNING HE LIVED IN HIS PLACE AND I LIVED IN MINE SO HIS HEAVY DRINKING PROBLEM WAS HID FROM ME ABOUT 6MONTHS AFTER DATING I ALLOWED HIM TO MOVE IN WITH ME THAT,S WHEN I REALIZED HE HAD BEER EVERYDAY I AND HIS BEHAVIOR CHANGED HIS TEMPER WOULD REALLY GET OUT OF CONTROL HE WOULD CALL ME ALL KINDS OF NAMES ,THEN THE NEXT DAY HE WAS SORRY, I WAS TOO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED TO PULL AWAY FROM HIM, HE SAID IT WAS MY FAULT THAT HE ACTED UP CAUSE WHEN HE DRANK TOO MUCH I TOLD HIM TO SLOW DOWN ON THE DRINKING AND IT MADE HIM VERY ANGRY, I ALSO REALIZED HE HAD A CHEMICAL IN BALANCE HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH A DUAL PERSONALITY DISORDER BIPOLAR AND ALCOHOLISM FOR YRS I TRYED TO FIX HIM, HE WOULD GO INTO REHAB OFF AND ON WHEN I TOLD HIM OUR MARRIAGE WAS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF HIS DRINKING BUT ALWAYS AFTER 10 DAYS IN HUS HE WOULD COME OUT AND START DRINKING ALL OVER AGAIN SO AFTER BEING CALLED EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN COMING HOME FROM WORK TO A HUS THAT DRANK EVERYDAY OF THE 12YRS OF MARRIAGE I JUST GOT FED UP AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE AND GO STAY WITH DAUGHTER FOR A COUPLE MONTHS HE LEFT IN NOV,SINCE THEN I HEARD HE IS LIVING WITH DAUGHTER AND HIS EX WIFE IT KILLED ME INSIDE HE FOUND A JOB NEVER WANTED TO WORK TO HELP ME OUT BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK ITS HOW HE STARTED OUT BWITH ME WORK FOR A WHILE THEN AFTER 3OR 4 MONTHS HE WOULD FLARE UP ON JOB AND GET FIRED ITS A PATTERN HE GOES THROUGH WITH HIS BIPOLAR DISORDER AND ONE THING HE WON,T DO IS TAKE HIS MEDS CAUSE ALCOHOL IS HIS MEDICINE AND WHEN HE DRINKS LIQUOR ALONG WITH HIS BEER HE IS LIKE A TIME BOMB WAITING TO EXPLODE I HAVE BEEN CARRYING THIS MAN FOR YRS BUT I COME TO REALIZE I CAN,T FIX HIM BUT INSIDE MY HEART IS RIPPED TO PIECES HOW COULD HE MOVE WITH EX WIFE AND JUST GIVE ME A SILENT TREATMENT LIKE I NEVER EXSISTED I HAD TO BE HOSPITALIZED AND HE NEVER EVEN CALLED ME HOW HEARTLESS COUL D A MAN BE I,M HURTING EVERYDAY AND I CONSTANTLY HEAR ALL HIS NAMECALLING IN MY INNER THOUGHTS

Diane
5:18 am February 10th, 2015

My boyfriend of 11 yrs has gone from someone I had the beat relationship of my life with emotionally, physically and mentally to a heroin addict. I know how to detach, I just don’t always want to because I always want back what I once had. I have had so many opportunities to have other relationships but I always wind up sabotaging them because I just can’t move on without him. We have not lived together for years except for a few weeks here and there, usually when I am helping him out of a jam as I have just done. I have this stupid fantasy in my head that the person I once thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with will come back. I feel like I will never be able to let go of him.

MOEMENSI
12:07 pm February 10th, 2015

i am livving with my husband and we have 4 kid and a grandson of 2 he is using the drug cat he is very abusive and he is very emosionaly most of the time and when we have an argument he always say that i am the problem and i dont want to listen to what he tels me to do and i dont know how to let go of him i feel sorry for him brcause his family have disown him and he blame everbody for how they treat him and he even does not want to go to get help he keep on telling me he does not have a problem and i dont know what to do anymore PLEASE HELP

nikki
5:47 pm February 10th, 2015

Hello, so glad I found this article. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. When we first got together he was locked up for almost 8 months due to past criminal activity. I’m completely straight edge from what he’s use to. I’m independent and have a good job. I got pregnant early on. I decided to stand by his side. I visited him every day for 8 months while he was locked up, sent him care packages, paid for phone calls, all while I was pregnant, alone and supporting myself. He would brag about me to his friends, and say how lucky he was to have a girl like me in his life keeping him on the straight and narrow. Well I found out he was using almost 2 weeks ago, he begged to stay and that he loved me and wanted to save our family. I thought about it, and decided I wanted to help save us too, but with conditions, because after all he had lied and manipulated me for a long time, he agreed, but things were difficult, the withdrawals, then the mood swings, my anger and frustration didn’t help, but he blames part of his mood on me and my non stop bitching. Now he’s gone and is trying to say he was unhappy before he started using again and that as a couple we aren’t healthy. I’m just confused how can you want to save your family one minute then walk away from the only person who has ever been there?

Amanda Andruzzi
6:16 pm February 10th, 2015

Rosemary, Diane and Moemensi,

I am sorry to bunch you all in, in one response but one comforting thing about your situation is that you are not alone. If you read each others stories you will find a great similarity.
Addiction is selfish and the person you love becomes foggy after addiction takes over.
I lived with and was married to an addict for 12 years and we had one child. I have been through everything you could imagine. I really loved my ex-husband and we had a great connection but that connection changed and then eventually went away when his addiction took over. What I realized later was that he was always an addict and that glorious person I loved was just a facade, a person he wanted to be but really was not.
What you all have in common is one very important thing, you have lost yourselves in the other person’s addiction. This is very common and I am speaking from my own experience. You become so consumed with trying to help, fix and make excuses for your loved one’s behavior that you loose your sense of self.
The best information I can give you, and unfortunately it is something you have to be ready to hear, is that the only way to feel better is to take the focus off of him and put it back on you where it belongs. If you care less about your partner, even if you have to fake it at first, eventually you will start to care more about yourself and your happiness.
Please read all of my articles in this blog to help you, they will explain what I have learned going through this and coming out on the other side. Click Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will appear dealing with living with an addict and how to help yourself.
My book, Hope Street, is a memoir of my life with an addict and has been very helpful to others. I felt very alone during that time and I wrote this to help other co-addicts feel understood.
Remember, you cannot change or fix anyone but yourself so the best way to help your partner is to help yourself! Please keep posting, keep us posted, I am always here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir of a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
9:15 pm February 10th, 2015

Nikki,
I call that behavior the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In my book, Hope Street, a memoir on my experience with being married to an addict, I write about this constantly. Toward the end of our 12 year nightmare, he had the nerve to tell me that he kept me with him because without me he would have been a much worse addict, that I kept him more straight.
The best thing I ever did for myself and that he ever did for me was leaving. You learn after years of the same old cycle that addicts are many different people. In my memoir, I document the last year of my life with my husband and I was starting to uncover that his behavior was not personal, it was part of addiction.
Nikki, you are not alone, read the hundreds of other women who post about this same situation. You know have a child or one on the way and that is the most important thing right now. Protecting our child was probably the number one reason I left my ex-husband and my inspiration to get strong and show her a better life. I was very independent but lost that when I lost myself in my husband’s addiction.
The focus Nikki needs to be on you and your child and unfortunately not on him. I tell everyone here a lesson I learned the very, very, very HARD way: you cannot make someone recover from addiction, you have no control over addiction, you cannot help or fix anyone else and addiction is usually stronger than you or the love you share with that person.
The only hope for another person to recover is to let them go and it is when and only when they hit bottom and get help that there may be a real shot.
For you, for your child, please keep reading about addiction. There are not a lot of books from the side of the co-addict which is why I wrote Hope Street. I wrote it because as I was going through this I really felt I had no one who really knew how I felt and the sickness I was feeling and the desperation and so I wanted other woman and men who loved an addict to feel understood. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi, in this blog and all of my articles will pop up. They are all there to help you on many different levels; to understand addiction, co-addiction, how to get help, but most importantly how to help yourself, step-by-step.
Please keep me posted, I welcome posts and comments.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Gayla
3:43 am February 11th, 2015

How do u not a addict live in boyfriend not control your emotions and create stress in your life? When they live under the same roof as you? He was suppose to go to rehab bit now has changed mind about it..he know wants to go to a counselor. But I come home to him drinking and his mood swings. How do I not let this affect me anymore? I am a wreck a mess.

wendy
12:36 pm February 11th, 2015

Hi Amanda thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it. I have actually explained to our two children exactly what you have advised that Dad does love them very much but is in fact sick so I feel good that I’m at least on the right track. You have made me realise I’m actually quite lucky that my children don’t have to see their Dad in that horrible addiction. I pray everyday for him to get the help he needs but also know that is up to him. Myself and my children are my priority first and foremost. It’s a very tough thing to do but I know it’s essential for my own health and happiness and that of my children.

Amanda Toussaint
12:43 pm February 11th, 2015

Gayla,

We have to understand one thing; we cannot help, fix or change an addict or their behavior.
Most times they go for help is only because someone has threatened them to leave, kick them out or end a relationship.
Being under the same roof with an addict makes it almost impossible to detach although it is possible.
However, unless you cannot leave or ask him to leave you do not have to live with him. Getting out of an unhealthy situation makes it a whole lot easier to heal yourself. There are articles here, just click my name in this blog, that help you either way to detach, but if you can get away I would recommend you do. Living with my addicted husband, the only peace I had and opportunity to stop worrying about him is when I left. It was hard but I realized it was too difficult for me to see him high and not get sucked into the insanity that was now my every day life. Gayla, you can make a change, you just need to get up the courage to change you.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Gayla
5:56 pm February 11th, 2015

Why does he put me down? I cant cook the right way. I cant clean the house the right way. I supposedly lie all tge time or bkow out tge truth. It is starting to make me angry. I think how dare you complain about me when u are drinking and doing drugs. What makes him so perfect and me so unperfect? I am so tge point I just wish he would leave.

Rebecca
9:28 pm February 11th, 2015

I am separated from my addict husband. I currently live with my parents and they cannot stand him. They want me to divorce him and I understand why but it’s hard to let go especially since he is going back to rehab for the second time in a couple days. We have two small boys together and I also have two other children. I just cannot seem to bring myself to totally separate from him. It has been a very hard road and I’m trying to move forward but when I have him promising he wants to completely change his life and be the man god wants him to be it’s even harder! Any comments would be greatly appreciated!!

Courtney
11:16 pm February 11th, 2015

I’ve been living with my drug addict boyfriend for 2 years and he’s been on methadone the whole time. Im to the point that I hate the sight of him. He’s getting to where he gets kinda violent when I tell him I don’t want to be touched and he’ll get mad and throw me on the bed and holds me down its kinda like he’s trying to rape me. And the other day I managed to throw him in the floor… All I know is I’m leaving him, I’m not sure how to go about it Cuz I’m afraid he’s going to snap on me. I want to get out as soon as I can the best way I can come up with is to pack a little on my way to work in the mornings when I go to work. But that’ll take to long and I don’t ever want to look at him. I don’t know what the quickest and easiest way to get out is without him and his mom jumping on me and trying to guilt trip me

Amanda Andruzzi
3:55 pm February 12th, 2015

Gayla,
When it comes to addiction, an addict will feel justified to put everyone else down and make excuses for their own behavior so that they can continue to use. If he were not high and in recovery, a real program, he would probably not act in this manner. However, if you are really sick of his behavior, I suggest helping yourself to see why you would put up with this. Usually we stay with people who are unhealthy because we are unhealthy ourselves. He will continue on as long as he can so he does not have to stop using.
The question is when will you be ready to make a change?
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
4:05 pm February 12th, 2015

Rebecca,
When children are involved it is a difficult situation. I left my husband with our child because I wanted our child to have a better life and not live with addiction and it was the best decision I ever made. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my last year with my husband and how everything came to an end. It has helped many woman who are in our situation and I wrote it for that reason alone. No one can tell you to leave and abandon the father of your child because you have to be ready to do that. For me it was watching my 5 year old daughter get used to the fighting, the lies, and watching her father use drugs that made me get out. I wanted her to have a normal and happy life and so that made me get strong and move on.
Rebecca, I would recommend moving on with your life, with your children and focusing on some recovery from you. Addiction twists us inside and out and we lose a sense of ourselves and what we want out of life. Whether or not your husband goes for help should be his business and you will know if he is serious or if this is just another attempt to keep his family. In the meantime, I suggest going to al-anon or other support groups in your area, as well as getting some support for your children. You would be surprised just how much they know even despite the efforts we make to shield them. If you can both heal and recover on your own, in time, maybe there is a chance for your family to stay together but I truly believe from personal experience that this will only happen if you both stay apart and work on yourselves. The good thing is, if he gets help and then is alone when he comes out, you will see if he stays clean on his own.
But Rebecca, the key here is to get help for you and your children and learn how to heal and grow and be okay despite what condition the addict is in. His plight does not have to be yours too. Keep me posted, keep reading my articles here, I have some great ones about family and children. Click on Amanda Andruzzi and they will all come up.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
4:11 pm February 12th, 2015

Courtney,
Thank you for sharing with us, I know none of this is easy. It sounds like you are ready to make a change and I really want to understand why anyone would be able to guilt you into staying. You are not married, there are no children involved. You do not want to be with an addict anyone and your decision should end there. However, if you fear any domestic violence, there are things you can do to leave without incident.
You can call the police to be there while you get your things and make sure you have a place to go so you do not end up back with him. You can get an order of protection and use it if he comes near you. You also need to find a support system to help you move forward with your life.
I have the feeling that things will be a lot better for you once you are away from this unhealthy situation. Sometimes this is easier said than done, I was you once, I met my boyfriend at 19 and even though the signs were there I did not leave until 12 years later, through a marriage and a child. I wrote my book, Hope Street, which is a memoir of my time with an addict. I encourage people like you to read it so that you may have a glimpse of what might be your future if you don’t leave. Keep us posted, we are always here to support you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

jessica
3:08 am February 15th, 2015

How do you let go of the addict if you are sure you have saved thier lives so many times? If you are sure if you hadnt been there keeping an eye in them, they would have overdosed by now? I left my addict ex bofriend years ago. But everytime something really bad happens i try and be there for him. Try and be supportive and give him a diffrent option other than shooting up. His grandfather died two days ago and i rushed to his side (which i havent done in a long time because i didnt want him in my life if he was using) . When his sister called me and told me thier grandfather died and that my exboyfriend was on a bender, i was terrified. My biggest fear for years is that he would overdose and die. So i spent the last two days with him. And i kniw for sure that those two days were really positive and he was happy. But then this morning he woke up, snuck upstairs, and began ti prepare to shoot up. I caught him right before he did it and threw everything out. He was dope sick and promised that he would get soboxin, wean himself off the soboxin, and then get the new implant that prevents you from getting high anymore. I dont kniw if he means it. I dont kniw how to accept it if he doesnt do it. I feel like hes sucked me in all over again. It took me years to seperate myself from him….i dont kniw if i can go threw it again. The constant sick feeling of “is this the day i find out he died?”. I finally have a good life for myself.

I guess what im asking is how do you learb to stop caring? How do you accept that they might loose the battle? And how would i ever go on if he does? Please give me the answers! Im heartbroken all over again….happy fucking Valentine’s day….</3

The Boyfriend of
4:10 am February 15th, 2015

Hi Amanda,
I appreciate the emails when there new things posted here, this is the only site I’ve found that takes this topic headon of letting go of an addict and the complications therein.
Hope you don’t mind me chiming in again, but this is a week in history of my relation with the addict woman, that was quite significant to me, but in her mindset of being “active in addiction” , is meaningless to her.
Since Im straight, sober, not an addict, my memory is fine, I dont live in a blur like she does from moment to impulsive moment, so as various dates whizz by, i still have lingering trauma, remembering the good and bad of the specific dates that matter.
This week, not so much that its valentines week, but it was the week before valentines week, we left her city, to go back to my house in 2013. I had neglected to be home, in spite of hurricane sandy, because i was so determined to stay in her state/city to “make this work”.
Not sure if i said this but was at play too, is her lies and deceptions about the state of her man that it “meant nothing”, he was like a roomate, well around this time it became apparent (9 months in that she was common-law married), in TX, via the laws there. 9 months in i say because her therapist told me, NOT HER…
Part of my constant problem was beliving whats called “gaslighting” a common manipulation technique. My constant problem was her shoving other men, or her friendships with other men, that “meant nothing”, “some guy at starbucks gave me his number but, oh its nothing”…
So for the most part because she was showing up for me, and being with me 24/7 i bought it, and her manipulative skills, even after some mini traumatic betrayls, would convince me, she was “for real”….PLUS I knew her from childhood.
So on that weekend before Valentines weekend, her TX man, who “meant nothing” but was actually her common law husband, text bombed her and I at my house,,,how he got my number i never figure out, but so went the weekend, she was pleasent with me, but shocked and confused and had to return home, her was threatening to kick her out and take their kid. Now a sober woman, who meant what she said that this guy “meant nothing”, would then get a lawyer and move on wiht the new guy—me. Didnt happen, from then on Feb 2013, this thing lingered and lingered and went downhill. She did “everything and everything” to keep him on track, supplying the money, and he was by far and still is a big time enabler. I went back to her city in april thru june, but was really bad, He came first and finally I went home,,,I didnt like being 2nd fiddle. He did move out in May 2013, but then she decided to go to FLA to see her old FLA boyfriend. That was my cue to leave. Enough was enough. BUT,,,,THEy keep coming back. She made several un-announced visits to my house thru summer 2014.
But it was the gaslighting that kept me in the game. Thru getting good support, therapy and 12 steps, I started to understand this is all very common. Yes people like me can get manipulated and sucked in, unknowingly because THEY are VERY VERY GOOD at what they do. Extremely convincing that the lies arent lies.
So here now, I havent communicated back to her since Oct 2014 (after sending some postal letters with a bunch of boundaries), I sent her an email and a text to point her to the fact that I sent her an email, my words “boy, its hard to believe its 2 yrs since that weekend at my house, and really nothing has changed you’re still married and connected to him 24/7., Im feeling kind of sad about this”…
So back to gaslighting technique, what was her response? “how do you know I’m still connected to him”?
Now a reasonable clean and sober would say probably “boy, 2 yrs already, yea i guess im kinda stuck with this guy”….but right away, she goes into cover-up mode, deception, lies, 1/2 truths, to make the victim “doubt themselves”. For me, that was the crux of my downfall in the relationship with the addict. She had me doubting myself, my view of reality was constantly questioned.

Ditto, when I finally started to learn about addiction, and that she’s an addict, of course she said she’s not an addict, and she continues to deny, state or otherwise imply that she’s not married too.
There’s so many variations of manipulation, in hindsight I finally can recognize them now, but in the thick of it i could not.
My therapist thinks the sort of subliminal reason why she will not re-engage in a postive way with me is because her disease has me labeled enemy #1. All her enablers, the husband, her family, her kids, do not have a problem with her drinking and drugging. Granted I was not begging her to stop drinking and drugging, but at the top of 2014, thru naranon, coda, and therapy, I did point out to her attacks of me (she frequently would say everything is my fault) that the reason we couldnt move forward was because she was not in any form of recovery,,,,and she’s married.
YET she still “wants to talk”. Well I’m thankful, for her behavior today in texts, because now with the education I can tell myself “nope shes still not safe”….how do you known im married? No human could be divorced from november to now. its a ridiculous statement to a very sincere email i wrote. I am lucky she did not use her skills to suck me back in by answering more honestly. NOW i know recognize the chatter, but before I didnt. I absolutely would like to see her and speak to her, but I absolutely saw by this simple response from her, that “nothing has changed”, in fact its worse.
Thats why all the various bad advice i got “dont call, dont do this dont do that”, dont matter, for me its the education that worked and time away. I didnt do any one thing bad advisors told me, but I got extremely educated in addict behaviors to understand and begin to believe what I was up against. I’d like very much to speak to her, but I just dont see it as being a great idea at this time. Like Liam Neeson in “taken”, she has skills of manipulation that far exceed anthing I can handle at this time. No doubt she is continuing her charade, taking other men hostage, weekly or daily, with her deceptions and manipulations. I could feel loss, or jealous, but really the only love that has her is her disease of addiction. Any new men or flings will be short-lived because she will trash it, like she’s done all her life, by lying and cheating so its not like Im losing her to someone else.
Anyway thanks again amanda for this great site,

The boyfriend of.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:49 pm February 16th, 2015

The Boyfriend Of,
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. You made a very smart assessment when you said addicts are very, very, manipulative. The only way an addict could keep on behaving the way they need to in order to use would be to lie. In that respect, it is a necessary part of their addiction. However, it seems like you have come a long way and that you have indirectly realized two very important things; you do not want to be in this type of relationship and that you cannot be in the middle of this woman’s problems.
The next step would be to move on from here so that you can have the life that you want, perhaps with someone else. Either way, being on your own sounds a lot better than being with someone who lies and deceives and makes you feel like second best.
You have learned a great deal from this experience and so I urge you to take what you have learned and use it to your advantage in your own life. You now know what you want and what you don’t want and you know that you deserve happiness and to be with a person who appreciates all you have to offer. Any man who would go to the ends of the earth, relocate, and help support the person they love, as you have done, obviously has a lot to give and to offer.
The challenge now is to not waste that on a woman whose problems are so unmanageable that her lies have taken her as far as she can go.
The key is to put the focus on you and take the focus off of her which it seems like you are starting to do.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
3:01 pm February 16th, 2015

Jessica,
I am sorry for your pain. I have been there and I understand what you are feeling. It is hard to let go but if you are saving him every time he needs you then I am not sure you ever really let go in the first place. It sounds like you are trapped and that you really need to make some big decisions.
I want to help but I cannot make decisions for you. I can only help you by pointing you in the right direction and by sharing with you my experience. I have written my memoirs. Hope Street is my book about my experience with an addict that lasted 12 years. I too, could not leave and kept getting sucked back in because of my love for him. I too, could not stand that sick feeling in my stomach and not knowing if he was going to die.
What I can tell you is what I learned through my experience. You cannot help, fix, or change an addict. When you help, most times you are just prolonging the inevitable. They will have to go through what they need to and their promises of sobriety are just to assure you they will get better but end up just being a failed attempt. If you really want to help him, you might want to consider really leaving.
Every enabler an addict finds is just one more person that helps them use a little bit longer. If his fate is overdosing you cannot stop that. The issue is those who love him are scared and so you all come together out of fear to try and stop it. What I learned is that there is no stopping it, an addict must hit rock bottom and then ask for help.
So Jessica, for your own sanity, try the things I have written in this blog to help you let him go and then he can deal with his own addiction, his own way.
Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and you will find all of my articles here. They are all about co-addiction and have step-by-step directions on how to start to let go. The key is to get the help for you this time. I hope that helps. Please keep us posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Kelly
2:04 am February 18th, 2015

Hi
I have not read your book yet, but will be sure to after reading all the comments and replies, I think your story may be similar to mine
My alcoholic husband has been my only childhood sweetheart for 19 years, we have two young boys together.
We both work full time.
I was trapped, in a co owned home, debt up to our eyes, no money to move out.
Having been in homeless accommodation when I was younger and moved home so many times, I didn’t want that for my kids. Staying in our 4 bedroom semi, next to school ,family and friends seemed more important.
He wasn’t an abusive drunk, just an empty shell.
I stayed and tried to help him, little did I know this was assisting his addiction which got worse after clinical depression.
I tried separating, he got a bit better, we got back together, then it got worse.
For the first time in 18 years, he physically abused me. He was sent away, with bail conditions not to contact me.
For the first time in 5 years, I was free.
Temporarily, as I had no idea how I was going to pay mortgage, but the built up anger was finally subsiding.
I started to make a plan, am still seeing a therapist, started court action for divorce & to sell our home, as he would not deal with any of it.
That being said, he has started to recover, been to counselling, made changes, looking a lot better, started to deal with finances,offering to pay mortgage, happy to stay away & give us the space We need as long as I say there is still hope for us.
How can 4 weeks of recovery undo 5 years of neglect?
Why do I want him back so badly, when I know my life was starting to improve when I cut him out it?
What is this hold that “love” / “connection” has that makes you doubt your own gut/ instincts.
what can I hold on to, so I know I won’t go back, how do I stay strong? I want him back so much.
. Can any addicts fully recover & get their lives back?

Amanda Andruzzi
5:23 pm February 18th, 2015

Kelly,
Thank you for sharing. Yes, I was in a similar situation and my book really gets to the heart of how we feel as the loved ones of an addict, sharing a life and children. It is very raw and very honest and I think because it is so candid, it really resonates with people going through the same thing.
Each person must find their own way and make their own decisions.
It took me 12 years to be done with my ex-husband and I loved him even after I left but once I started to feel like myself again (whoever that was), and get my life and my child’s life back to some sanity, I knew there was no going back.
I know the love and the need you feel to have him back but what I learned was that I was not really in love with the person, I was in love with a fantasy of that person and I was the one who had issues of letting go. My personal problems, insecurities and need to fix others instead of myself, kept me holding on way too long. I had to work on me and why I would allow a man like this in my life. When I realized that it was okay to let go and move on it was scary and I made myself stay away long enough to start a new life. Once I had that new life, I thanked God every single day that I was strong enough to not get pulled back in because my new life was amazing. My book really helps people understand that this is more of an issue that “I” had because if I was healthy I never would have stayed so long. It also helps people understand there is life after addiction and it can be a really great one.
I want to tell you to leave and never look back. But you must go through the motions so that when you do leave you will know you are done.
Did you ever think that maybe you both have a better chance at being happy separately and that together your relationship enables the addiction cycle?
I feared that if I left, he would get clean and move on, I literally made myself sick over it because I wanted to be the one there for him and be a happy family again. After I left, he did start to get better, for a short time and I resisted. In no longer than 2-3 months he was back doing the same old thing and I was so grateful I had the courage to stay away.
This is your life and your family so I cannot help you make a very hard decision but what I can tell you is this; the feelings you are having right now will pass and if you go back you risk having the same life all over again. At the very least give both of you the opportunity to work on yourselves and get healthy, on your own and on his own. It is the only real way to tell if he is really in recovery. After this, if you still want him and he you then maybe there is a chance. My guess is that once you get to where you want to be you probably will be so happy and healthy that you won’t even want to take the chance at having that old life again.
Addiction is a rough life because you never know when a person will relapse and there are no guarantees. When I left, after all I had been through, I knew for sure, I never wanted that life or even the chance of having that life ever again.
Click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will come up on this site, they will be very helpful for you in conjunction with the book. Please keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Letesha
10:05 pm February 18th, 2015

I am married to an addict. I am at my breaking point with the situation but don’t feel like I am strong enough to make the necessary changes to make things better. We have talked several times about him getting help- he has gone to treatment once in the 10 years we have been together- he was clean about 4 months but now he is back to doing the same things- lying- stealing being manipulative. He gives me his credit/bank cards but that does not prevent him from figuring out a way to get drugs. I think that if I he left I could get back on track but I love him- I think about his health issues and the severity of being homeless and I just cant do it. He knows that I am at the end of my ropes and says he is going to go but I know that he is wondering then what?- someone help me. I am at a lost and I feel lost. I just don’t know what to do next.

Kelly
2:28 am February 19th, 2015

Thank you Amanda,
Your knowledge is very reassuring and your reply will help me more than you can know.
In the short space of a day, he has relapsed.
This was the reminder and ‘strength’ I needed to help me move on.
I already knew the choice to leave was right, I just wished it wasn’t.
I will try to keep contact as limited as I can ( it’s so difficult with children involved) & have made arrangements to sell up.
This was my issue, you are right. It’s not about him, it’s about me not wanting a repeat of my childhood mistakes.
I’m so glad I had the chance to speak to you & have started reading the book! Thank you. All the best for your fantastic new future xx

Julie
3:03 pm February 19th, 2015

Hi,
I have been in a 4 1/2 yr relationship. I fell in love with my boyfriend easily. I deeply love him.
We’ve had a roller coaster relationship.
During the first 6 months. We spent as much time together as possible. We’ve both been married and have children.
We both have professional careers. During our first 6 months. We connected all allot of areas in our live. Our personalities are similar but different. I would realize something was off or different but couldn’t put my finger on it. Long story short… He was an alcoholic. After the second woman I discovered he had been unfaithful to me he told me about his drinking. At that time I thought it was me not being a supportive girlfriend. And that’s why he would go to these other women.
4 years later I know that’s not the case.
Since then life has been a roller coaster. He did go to AA for a year. It’s coming up on 4 years he’s been sober. There are times/ months he will be substance free and then I don’t know what happens or what triggers him to start smoking pot. To my knowledge he doesn’t drink. But again we are both single parents. I have my 2 children 90% of the time and he has his son 25% of his time.
He tries to convience me nothing is wrong with smoking pot and it’s not addicting.
Maybe some people can recreationally smoke pot once or twice a year. But that is not the case for him.
In the past 6 months our relationship has changed. We don’t see each other as often. He recently has started playing his guitar and says when he plays smoking pot improves his ability. So he enjoys playing/smoking and then we don’t see each other but maybe once or twice every 2 weeks.
I would like to get married again. We have discussed this multiple times. During the last 6 months if I had brought up this topic … It would end in an argument. Then he wouldn’t talk to me for s day or two.
At the first of the year I told myself enough was enough.
I told him if he didn’t want to make a commitment to me and have a life together we needed to move on. He came back a week later and said he was ready.
Knowing that he is presently using drugs. I told him how much I love him. I also told him drugs can not be a part of our relationship. We discussed how it’s harmful to him, he makes choices differently when he’s actively using drugs.
He’s such an intelligent man but I know this is something he’s dealt with for 20+ years off and on. We are both in our 40’s.
We can have a very loving relationship.
I told him I would help him. But I feel like I have to set healthy boundaries.
And 4. 1/2 years is long enough.
I feel like I have been through enough. I want a healthy relationship but I can’t have that if drugs are involved. Also, I owe it to myself and my children to have a healthy and living environment for everyone involved.
Any feed back would be appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:56 pm February 19th, 2015

Kelly,
You are doing the right thing and you are more than welcome. I am here to help and I wrote my book for this very reason. Stay strong and remember your gut is ALWAYS right. He may lie and try and manipulate you and because you love him and he is the father of your children you may cave but know that there is a better life for you without addiction in it. Staying with an addict is a personal choice and my new life may not be glamorous but it is my life on my terms. I have a health relationship with my husband and more importantly with myself. I want that for you and for any woman who cannot leave an unhealthy situation. I can promise you one thing, it is hard to leave, but once you work on you, things will get better and you will be happy. If you leave him and do not do the work you need to do then things may not change.
I am here to help so keep posting or email me directly at hopestreetmemoir@gmail.com.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
4:06 pm February 19th, 2015

Letesha,
Thank you for sharing with us. We are all in the same situation and I am here to help. Do not get down on yourself, it took me 12 years to leave my ex-husband. He was using out entire marriage and at times I did not even know and thought he was clean. Addiction is tricky and leaving is scary. I had no one who could understand what I was going through so I wrote my book, Hope Street and created these articles and this blog to help other people. I want you to know first of all; you are not alone, this happens more often than I can tell you and that there is HOPE. You will have to do the work you need to do to get strong enough to leave and I cannot do that for you. I can only tell you that it is possible.
When I was where you are, I was scared sick of leaving because I feared for my husband’s life and because I loved him and did not know how I was going to leave and make it on my own with our child. All that fear kept me with him and kept me miserable. What I learned is that nothing could be as miserable as the feelings I had while we were together. The fears and sadness I had when I left went away. The pain that is debilitating will pass if you just give it time.
You can stay with him and start to take the steps you need to in order to leave him physically. You just need to get strong and work on you and your issues. Put the focus on you now and it will get easier to leave. I recommend reading all of the posts here and all of my articles in this blog as they will really help give you the tools you need to work on yourself.
My book may really be helpful as well but the key is to get a support system; a therapist, support group, friends, anyone who can help you when you need it. Get educated on addiction and then get educated on YOU!
Please keep me posted, I am here to help you through this. Just know that there is hope and you can be happy again without him, I am living and breathing proof.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

MOEMENSI
2:37 pm February 23rd, 2015

I am so frustrated over my life i dont know when i am write or when i m wrong. I have been so blind to all this drug problem of my husband this weekend i was packing all my shoes and just found my pair of tekkies missing. When i ask him he just say he does not know what happen to it. My fear is that my child of 12 spoke to me last week and she told me she was crying at school and the teacher ask her what is wrong. She told the teacher her father is abusing me and he is not even supporting us and she told the teacher that i had to come to work with a blue eye. She even told the teacher that there is days that I don’t sleep for 2 to 3 days and when she come from school she find him sleeping and she told the teacher that when he hit me he log the door and hide the key. She told me mommy my father was selling his shirts last week .
I also have a sun that is 17, he goes and works and brings money and the father just lays on the bed and when he brings money that tomorrow he wants me to give him money because he gave me money. I am so frustrated and i see all these things but I feel sorry for him and every time i leave i just get back after he told me that he will stop. I know i must leave but how do i stop feeling responsible or how do i stop caring.

SO FRUSTRATED AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

stephanie y
5:03 am February 24th, 2015

my boyfriend is an opiate addict.. prescription pills. how can I get over all the hurt he caused to truly help him get the help he needs and get better for us and our children. I feel as though I blame him for his addiction therefore I don’t try to understand. I feel he made the choice and just doesn’t want to stop even though he says he does and begs me to help him says he cant do it on his own.

The Boyfriend of
12:16 pm February 24th, 2015

Thanks for your response above amanda it helps alot. just chiming in because I’ve been in communication, with the girl/addict. I’d say on one hand, i’m holding a boundary, because I have resisted speaking to her, and limiting it to minimal minimal texting. One thing I’ve recognized about myself, is as a friend of/boyfriend of an addict, after being totally insulted, hurt, betrayed and every adjective you can think of..I like many in the past would lash into name calling, which did have consequences on me, because it gave her more ammo to manipulate me with, attack me, blame me, and justify her actions thru manipulation. Around 1 yr ago, someone in Naranon, suggested I set a boundary of “I can’t speak to you until you get 90/90 in Narcotics anonymous”. Yes, I repeated it by text probably dozens and dozens of times, then she showed up at my house (from TX) in the northeast, and caught me out front, and it was tricky.
The point I want to share is, now although its useless for her, I have found it beneficial to me as an instant affirmation, when she tries to make overtures to see me, or communicate. I’m not saying “90/90″ but I do point out that A- I can’t believe anything she says because shes not in recovery B-Shes not treating her disease of addiction, and thats why this and that is this and that with “us”.
She’s a middle age woman who medicates now with zanax and alcohol after years of heroin and cocaine, and she thinks she’s basically not an addict anymore. She’s functional but has the attitude of the disease and the total lack of responsibility for her behaviors..
I have found by me re-stating these things, I’m doing it for me, as a boundary and its like a postive affirmation of the fact that I’m slowly starting to believe that contrary to what I thought before she is an addict. No matter how cunning, her words are, or attractive, or straight appearing she may be, its not about the quantity, its a disease of the attitude.
Of course she retorts with the usual lines “if you loved me you would be nicer to me”, and the ole “i dont do drugs”, or “the reason we’re not moving forward is because of you”…
When i do re-state the facts of her un-treated addiction, she usually will clam up, and that works good for me.
I applaud you on your site, and emphazing the need for education, its only the education in addiction im getting that is helping me slowly believe that THAT is what I stumbled upon with this woman. She doesnt have slurred speech, she’s quite articulate and functional, but her relationship behavior, is horrible across the board, the things she does around her kid, wow, its just amazing she’s allowed to function in society.
The only thing I have control over is to limit my exposure to her. Maybe one day I’ll eliminate contact all together, its going to be hard with the frequency of her visits to my town, and her willfulness to knock on my door. Im not actualy mad at her, which would make it easier i think, i just wish she could back off. I’m told they usually don’t and its up to us to hold the boundary.

tnx again.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:20 pm February 27th, 2015

Moemensi,

First you must make the decision to let go, you cannot do anything until you decide that you are going to follow through 100%. Your children’s lives are on the line because what they are seeing is so unhealthy that it is affecting them dearly. If you feel bad for your husband, feel 100X more sorry for your children who are suffering so much they cry at school and your son is working to support his family instead of the other way around.
Let that frustration and anger be used as fuel to let go of your husband. Addiction is selfish, the addict will use and abuse anyone to get what they need, loved ones included.
You are asking what to do and you cannot do anything until you make up your mind to do it. Once you do that, please click on my name, Amanda Andruzzi, in this blog and read all of the articles, there are step-by-step instructions on how to start this process.
You can leave emotionally before you leave physically, you just have to make up your mind to do that. Your husband needs help you cannot give him and by letting him stay you are enabling him to stay sick. If you feel sorry for him, let him go so he can get help for himself.
Please keep reading and make a plan to start detaching yourself from your husband and get help for you and your children. You all deserve a happy, healthy and peaceful life and with an active addict in your life that is impossible.
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:33 pm February 27th, 2015

Stephanie Y,

Thank you for sharing Stephanie.
Why do you feel that it is your responsibility to help your boyfriend? An addict that says they want to do it on their own is just biding time. Most of us try to help, fix, support, love an addict and in return we just get more lies, manipulation and more of the same old.
If your boyfriend was serious about recovery, he would have checked himself into rehab yesterday. With addicts, talk is cheap, as a co-addict, I learned the hard way that an addict will play on your emotions, pull on your heartstrings so they can use longer. Excuses are what you are hearing.
Feel bad for yourself and your children for what he is putting you through while he is getting high. If an addict wants to quit, you can let them know you will be there to support them at that time but not until then. I have been through this myself and I help support woman and men like you every day. I try to give insight that I wish I had had when I was going through this.
Each situation may be different but all addicts are very similar. They all chose drugs first and will do anything they need to, to get it. This is not your problem, nor your responsibility to fix, your only responsibility is for yourself and your children.
Focus on you, getting yourself support so that you can let him go. Find a therapist, support group, online support, and/or al-anon to help you understand your part in his addiction and how the only way things will change is by YOU changing them, not waiting for him to make changes or make failed attempts at change. Enabling is something that happens without our recognition because addicts are just that good at blindsiding those around them.
Don’t be a victim in this, use your strength (and it is there, believe me), to get the help for you, let him worry about himself, and in the process you might actually help him get into recovery a lot quicker. But regardless of his condition, you and your children need to be okay and living with an addict I doubt that is the situation.
It took me 12 years to leave my addict husband and nothing changed until I changed. My book, Hope Street, is a detailed memoir of my journey with addiction from the perspective of the co-addict. Keep me posted. I appreciate feedback.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
5:42 pm February 27th, 2015

The boyfriend of,
I think you are right, you said it yourself, you have the power to stop the contact and YOU WILL, when you are ready. I hope writing here is cathartic for you, we appreciate your input.
Who SHE really is, she doesn’t even know because she has been suppressing that person for a long, long time. But it is a good thing that you are in a good place. My concern is with you and not with her. You are okay and that is okay by me!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

jen
6:16 pm February 28th, 2015

My boyfriend has an opiate addiction which he recently has been detoxing…..he has lied to me for approx two months until i caught him….so he says he is thankful that i did and that i have stuck by him….but he from stole my prescription pills last night and i caught him today….’he cries and says he is sorry…….he had to get drunk last night …..he says he respects me but im not feeling it. I am a talented beautiful woman…I have alot to offer and love to give …I know relationships and people all of us not perfect but am I being smart……how or what is the answer if any at all……is this what happens when you get deep in a relationship……because it seems to me when i hear of most relationships the deeper you get lies…..lnfidelity….couples separate ..i thought your relationship gets better?

Amanda Andruzzi
3:49 pm March 2nd, 2015

Jen,
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Addicts in general are not known for their honesty. I would recommend taking what he says with a grain of salt and educate yourself on addiction. He probably was using longer and if he is sneaking pills he probably was never sober.
I have been in two marriages, 12 years with an addict and 4 with a non-addict, 1 and 2 children respectively. There is a big difference; you can never get close to an addict because the drug comes first. I tried for 12 years and one daughter later to no avail. An addictive relationship cannot be compared to a normal relationship with a healthy man. Yes everyone has issues but addiction is not a normal problem. You cannot be in a real relationship with an active addict, you cannot fix him, get him help or make him sober. You can only get help for yourself.
Jen, I was 19 when I met my first husband and I knew nothing about addiction or relationships. If someone would have told me what I know now I may have saved 12 years of pain and being a single mother. This is why I try to help other women and men in love with an addict. I want to help them understand this is not normal and there is more than meets the eye. My book Hope Street, is my memoir of my last year with an addict. I thought I could never leave or be happy with anyone and addiction had sealed my fate.
When I left, penniless, I had to start over. It was the best thing I ever did. Now I am married to a wonderful man and we have 2 more children. I also learned the reasons I fell for an addict, why it was my issues that kept me stuck and how to get myself better because I could never help him successfully. Reading my memoir may give you a glimpse of what the next 12 years of your life might look like if you don’t make a change. Please get educated on addiction, co-addiction, and enabling so you know what you are dealing with and then get help for yourself. Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and 20+ articles will come up to help you move on from this. I am here to help so keep me posted.
Best, Amanda Andruzzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Anna
5:50 pm March 3rd, 2015

Hello what group therapt do you recommend for my daughter to leave her drug addict boyfrind shes in denial

meomemsi
8:17 am March 4th, 2015

Good Day

I have moved out of my home and in with my daugther , my husband come there yesterday with a letter from sanca that he is going for terapy and i have told him that he ,, need to go to rehab before terapy .He stil say that he will kill himself if i dont come home but as things are now i am not going back to him . He is so sick he say the only way he will go to rehab is if i come home and i have told him no way i am comig home .Ican see my kids are so happy and we have a family time after i come from work .You blog have helped me alot and some of the things in the block that open my eyes to the problem i will update you and he keep on telling me that he will kill me if i dont come home so that is so frstrating but as i say leaving is astate of mind and after that is for your own safety

Amanda Andruzzi
6:36 pm March 4th, 2015

Anna,

Unfortunately you cannot insist your daughter go for help but you can try to set up a therapist for her. However, if she does not think it is a problem it is not very likely that she will talk about what is really wrong and get the appropriate help.
You should look for a therapist in your area that specializes in addiction and set up an appointment for her, maybe send her some of the articles here in my blog, defining co-addiction, there are quite a few. Just click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of them will come up. I wish you the best.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:39 pm March 4th, 2015

Moemensi,

That is excellent news! Thank you for sharing that. Things will get easier over time and I am glad your children are already happier. This is the peace you have all been looking for.
If he kills himself, which he will do by drinking, it is not your fault, nor your responsibility. Do not let him guilt you into going back to an unhealthy place. Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

holly
3:39 am March 6th, 2015

I was married to an addict not quite 6 months before he started drinking and got caught he was in jail I should say prison for two and a half years got out started drinking we had a baby he continued drinking started smoking pot doing pills got 2 DUI’s getting revoked on the 20 years he had previously before I knew him I have divorced him he is back in jail now calling me saying he has found God wants to change wants to get remarried… my family and everyone says do not believe him I am so confused because I still love him I know how he is when he is sober with no drugs.. I am completely lost with no one to talk to that will not make me feel bad about talking to him and writing him please help

Dee
7:12 am March 6th, 2015

Hi Amanda. I posted late last year about my ex and I splitting up 3 weeks before our wedding when he went off on one of his benders, the 10th one in the 19 months i was with him. Its been over 4 months now since we split and im still struggling. It was all made worse by him contacting me about a montb ago saying how sorry he was for what had happened blah blah blah and wanting to see me. I agreed but we werent in contact for 24hrs and he let me down again, promising to call me etc and not doing it and turning his phone off again so i messaged him and told him that i couldnt go through it all again with him but i did love him and was prepared to talk with him if there was any chance of things being different. But of course i havent heard from him since. I have heard that he has been drinking really heavily and pulled the disappearing trick with his parents where he was staying and they had no idea where he was, just like he used to do to me. I was told he was at a motel drinking himself stupid. Why do i still love him and want him back???? I know im so much better off without him, without the constant churning in my stomach waiting for him to go on his next binge, but i do miss him so much. I havent been able to find a job despite applying for anything that comes up and taking resumes to different places and i have financial worrues as well as feeling completely useless. I feel like im such a failure, at 51 years old i have no job, no money and cant seem to find a decent relationship. I just wish i could get him out of my head and my heart. When does it ever end?? Thanks for your advice.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:52 pm March 6th, 2015

Holly,
My expertise is really in helping women get out of an unhealthy relationship with an addict. You have successfully done that and you want to go back. I cannot tell you how to live your life but I can only help you understand the patterns of addiction. Addicts will lie and manipulate to get what they want. Some do recover but you will know the difference. Even if he is sober, that is something he needs to prove being on his own and over time. If you get back together with him it may hinder or distract his recovery if he is serious. That is the reason why they suggest addicts not start or restart relationships for a while, a year or longer. They have to commit to sobriety and I would suggest waiting so you can see if it is for real.
If I told you how many times woman went back after their husband told them they were clean, only to find that they relapsed or lied about their sobriety, I would be able to fill another book.
I think the safe and healthy decision to make is to take this time to work on you, to heal and to figure out why you chose a relationship of this nature. We all choose our partners for underlying reasons and if we can figure out what need they fulfilled then maybe next time we won’t make the same mistakes.
I realized 12 years into my marriage with an addict that I had deep seeded fears of letting go, of abandonment and I needed to increase my self confidence and self-efficacy so that I was able to be on my own. Do not be afraid of your feelings and do not be embarrassed of them, you need to work through them and get to the bottom of them.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
6:20 pm March 6th, 2015

Dee,
Thank you for sharing that, I know that must not be easy to talk about. You are always welcome and wanted here.
You are not worthless, a failure or anything of the kind. You are a kind and caring person who is lost at this moment. With a little perspective and a boost of confidence you would not be feeling this way or falling back into old patterns. When we feel alone or lost we tend to go back to what is familiar and comfortable and your ex is both of those things. Sometimes the drama of addiction helps us feel alive, needed and gives us something in our lives we might be missing.
I can promise you if you go back to him in any way things will be the same and you will be worse off. The key is to realize that this is more about you than him right now. You may be broke and unemployed but that does not define you. You need to start doing things that make you feel good about who you are. I would suggest going to an interview or going to a place you want to work and offering to work for free for the first few weeks or a month and if they like what they see they can hire you. Find support in the people that love and really know you, friends and family. You need to start feeling good about yourself again and find your self worth in the type of person you are not from the situation you are in. Sometimes putting yourself out there, being positive helps open doors. When we feel bad, we tend to do things that are unhealthy or hide because we feel that way inside.
Dee, try and get out of your own head for a while. You do not need money to do things that make you feel good about yourself. Start by taking a brisk walk in the sun every day instead of calling your ex and see how you feel afterwards. Stay motivated, things will come if you keep at it. I had my house and everything I owned taken away, I was penniless with a child and I could not find work. I did not have a choice, I had to get up each morning and take care of my child and it forced me to not give up. Sometimes it is one opportunity, that is all you need to change your life. I found a job and I was great at it and that gave me the confidence I had been lacking and that exchange helped me as a person. You can do the same.
Keep me posted.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Edward
11:37 pm March 6th, 2015

i have tried everything to help my addicted son. All kinds of rehab. Sent him to a different state. He has been there six months. There is no change or it has gotten worse. In and out of half way houses. Now he is out on the street. I have paid for everything. I decided yesterday i have to walk away. It is not easy but i have to do it as it is destroying my health. My ex who has done nothing to help doesn’t understand it. i refuse to answer hers or his calls. The only thing that bothers me is i will be blamed if he dies.

noemi
9:36 pm March 8th, 2015

It’s gonna be 3 months since I kicked my ex out n yes I missed him at first,but just thinking of what he put me through was enough to give me strength not to take him back.Now I careless about him n his life,I’m finally in that place in my heart where I have peace,n peace in my home..my lil girl n I are happy.I still read your blogs n stories because of you I’m in this place a peaceful place ..thank you Amanda

Amanda Andruzzi
1:30 pm March 9th, 2015

Noemi,
Thank you so much for sharing that. I am so proud of you. I try to tell people, like anything, the beginning is the hardest part but it gets better and you know that firsthand now.
I am really excited that you have found peace and this is still only the beginning, it will continue to get better as you get better and heal. I am so glad you shared this with us and happy that my blog helps you. Please keep me posted Noemi, I am so happy for you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

moemensi
3:27 pm March 9th, 2015

hello everyone i have moved back to my husband .. ..i feel that i have diappoint my kids and my son of 17 have moved to his sister .
My husband is going to a 12 step program and he made a promised to stop with the drugs my main concern now is that my son does not speak to me or to the father ……….. and that the father is not even doing anything to get my son back home i am now so disipointed in myself and i feel that i have fail my kids … most of all my son of 17 .
My husband say he can lose his kids but he is not restoring the relationship with our son i am trying to help him get true this but what about my son that is full of anger .. PLEASE help me i feel that i have lost him and the father just say he will regret the disition to move out

Amanda Andruzzi
3:55 pm March 9th, 2015

Moemensi,

Thanks for coming back. There is no judgement here and none of this is easy. I understand how you were doing so much better without your husband and I know the risks and going back is one of them. I cannot tell you what to do regarding your son, he obviously has good reason to be angry but you cannot repair their relationship, you are only responsible for your relationship with your son. I would focus on that. I always believe children come first but I know the push and pull of addiction is strong. You have to do what feels right for you and try and consider your children’s welfare in that decision. I hope things work out for your husband but despite his effort or failures, I hope more, that you do not get caught again in his addiction.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi
5:18 pm March 9th, 2015

Edward,
First of all I want to say I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. An addicted child is something I treat differently than a spouse. There is no way to let go completely and move on because this is your own flesh and blood. But there are ways to help him and save yourself. I think you have to let go of what everyone else will think and know that you did the best you could in your heart. You have tried to get him help and there is not much more you can do.
The only thing left is to let him know that you are there if he ever wants to get down to the bottom of why he is using and cannot stop. You may have to let him hit bottom and just let him know you are his parent, you love him and you will always be here to help him get clean if he is serious. It sounds like you may have suggested he get clean and usually that does not work. The addict has to really want if for themselves before you see real change. It is not hopeless, but I agree, your part might be done for now. You can just let anyone who has an issue with you know, you love your son, you would do anything for him, you have tried but right now the only thing you think that might save him is letting him go. Just know psychic childhood scars or underlying mental health issues may have something to do with why he used in the first place and if you can help him figure that out without using it as an excuse or a crutch that may be helpful. I would suggest seeing a therapist with your ex for the sake of your son and then asking him, if he asks for help to come with you so you can get down to the bottom of his drug abuse. I hope this helps and I think letting go, at this point, is the only help you can give your son right now, as hard as that might be. Please keep me posted. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

lexi
4:10 am March 12th, 2015

My boyfriend lives with me is an active meth addict. Unemployed, 28. He is on a waiting list for rehab. He constantly brings drugs home and I catch him. I told him that he cannot use in my home and I kick him out but he will not leave. He says he does not want to lose me and He cries all day. I cant stand the crying!! He begs for a chance to prove he can recover without moving out but I am out of second chances. I want him to recover away from here. I love him but after 24 months I am out if emotions and feel cold. He has no family support ( his mother is an addict and his friends) Only me. Should I care? I feel like I dont!!! I need to evict him or wait out till rehab calls. Ugh!!

Amanda Andruzzi
4:32 pm March 12th, 2015

Lexi,
You don’t sound even a little bit cold. You are dealing with someone’s problems that are not your own. You are supporting someone who is using meth in your home, has no money but finds a way to get drugs and somehow feels that you are responsible to take care of him and get him help. He needs to get his own help and you should not have to live like this anymore.
Addicts look out for number one, their drugs and keeping themselves in a situation that makes it easy to use.
If you kicked him out, he would probably have a harder time using right? He may fall in his addiction a lot faster and maybe have to get help a lot sooner. By allowing him to not be in recovery and supporting him, is actually not only hurting him, but more importantly it is hurting you.
Please read Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for Families and Treating Codependency and the other articles I have written in this blog that might seriously help you. Click on Amanda Andruzzi in this blog and all of my articles will come up.
I know it seems cruel and harsh, but if you turn the view a bit, look at it from another perspective. This man is coming into your home, not pulling his own weight, bringing illegal drugs into your home, endangering your life, being high around you, and making you unhappy, worried, and angry on a daily basis.
When I was married to an addict, what I realized that by leaving him I was not being cruel, in fact what addicts do to us are cruel, however, if we allow it to happen we are partially responsible.
Lexi, I would not tell you what to do, but I can tell you from experience, you need to make a change and if that means calling the police to have him and his things removed from your home and changing your locks then that is what it might have to be.
You are not cruel or cold, what you will be doing is looking out for your own health and sanity, just like he is begging you so that he can continue to get high.
There are lists for rehab, but if he has nothing and owns nothing, he can go to a local hospital and say he is withdrawing from drugs and they will help him, so don’t think he has nowhere to get help. As much as he does to score his drugs, if he took half that effort to get clean, he would be sober already. I hope you make a decision that is right for you because you deserve to be happy and you do not deserve to have to live this way.
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, HOPE STREET, a memoir from a CO-ADDICT

MOEMENSI
1:10 pm March 13th, 2015

i everyone i have told you in the previous respond that i have moved back home .But i have this feeling in me that does not go away….. i dont love my husband anymore i and trying to get the feeling back but it feels like all the love in me is dead ………..i see my husband cry and he keep on telling me that he can see that i dont love him anymore ……..i remember there was a time in my life where i used to cry and tel him that i love him and all i got back is abuse was abuse .i feel sorry for him but there is nothing i can do all the love is gone and i am with him because i feel sorry thats all ………….he kep on asking me please give me back the love and comfort we had and i keep on saying yes but i am to scared to tell him how i dont feel anything ……he always say that if i leave he will kill himself ..but i cant go on like this and i cant be with someone that i have no feelings for …
it feels that it is unfair to him but when i think back off al the times i used to cryand bag him to stop i just cry ……..i have even spoke to god this morning and you know what i have said to god PLEASE GOD forgive me i know that you want me to make this work but i cant because my love is no more in this marriadge and i have ask GOD not to hold ot against me

Amanda Amdruzzi
5:19 pm March 13th, 2015

Moemensi,

You have moved on emotionally from your marriage and that is not a bad thing. You have endured years of abuse and sometimes there is no going back and it seems this is the case. It is okay to leave an unhappy and unhealthy situation for you and it is okay to stop loving a person who has hurt you and your children for years.
Do not feel bad for him, but try to move on with your life so you don’t waste any more of your time with him.
Best, Amamda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

kathleen
7:17 pm March 13th, 2015

why do i feel down with him im not a addict an wont b i like my life this way but living with a addict for 10 yrs its hard on me trying to help him i feeling sorry for him hes not taking his Dietic meds i try an feel like leaving him but somehow i cannot i dont know why sometimes i feel like nobody no one cant feel what im going through

Anya
4:20 am March 15th, 2015

I left my alcoholic partner of 2 1/2 years a few days ago. When we started dating it was long distance so it wasn’t until I quit my job, relocated to a new city to be with her, that I found out that she had a problem with abusing alcohol. The first 8 months of living together were pretty bad. Anytime we were out in a social situation she would get so drunk that she couldn’t function and would embarrass herself and me. She was also a very mean and buligurant drunk. We fought all the time. When I finally got the nerve to ask her to stop drinking, she started hiding it from me and lying to me. Eventually her parents got involved and rallied around her to seek help. She started seeing a councelor and going to AA. She promised me that she was going to change and that she loved me and that “no drink was worth losing me over” I did love her and wanted to believe that she would be able to get it together. At first things were good and she was the person that fell in love with again. Slowly I started to get the feeling that she was back to her old tricks and my fear and worry and distrust started taking over my everyday life. I questioned her a few times about wether or not she was drinking again. She maintained that she was in AA and doing everything right to try and show me that she had changed. I noticed that she started chewing gum all the time although I could still smell alcohol on her. I told myself at the time that I was just being paranoid and of courses she wasn’t drinkinh again. Last week I caught her in an elaborate lie and even after giving her every opportunity to come clean and to just be honest with me she still wouldn’t. I told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t trust and that I could no longer do this anymore. At first she begged and pleaded for me to give her another chance and that she would show me that she can change. As hard as it was to walk away I did and since I have been trying to find a new place to live and she has been texting me and shaming me for giving up on us and her. I know they she is hurting and so am I. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I feel like it would just be easier to stay and forgive but I also have been unhappy for a while now and it doesn’t seem fair for me to live in a constant state of fear and distrust. I know that only I can know what the right decision is for me, it’s just been very hard. I’m struggling with my decision. Did I do something wrong by leaving her?

Sara
4:21 am March 15th, 2015

I have been thinking about leaving my husband he is a addict he pops pills and sometimes he steals my medicine I have a mental illness i have noticed that my medicine runs out before the end of the month because he steals it from me we have been married for five years and this has been happening the whole time the only thing that I am worried about is if I leave him he won’t have anyone to help him pay off his fines and he will end up back in jail and I don’t want that but I can’t live like this anymore it has been going on for a long time and I want out of this relationship but I don’t know how to break away from him

Lost
2:33 pm March 15th, 2015

My relationship with my boyfriend of 16 years has ended.I discovered 5 years ago that he was smoking Heroin. I tried to help him as much as I could.at first I only had suspicions but then I started finding burnt pieces of tinfoil in his pockets and then the lies started.hed disappear for hours on end, wouldn’t answer his phone and then come up with some excuse as to why he wasn’t around.anyway to cut a long story short Christmas 2013 was the year his whole family found out about his problem.he was so out of it that he ruined Christmas for everyone.i told his parents that unless he got help I would have to leave with our two kids as I couldn’t stick it anymore.anyway he went into detox for 6 wks and then started a day service to help him overcome his problems.at first when he came out of detox we were really close but after a few wks in the day service he started distancing himself from me and the kids and going out drinking and not coming home.i started to suspect that he was fooling around with one of girls there and got my confirmation that he was, he had also relapsed.i asked him to leave and he did and he is now in a relatsionship with this girl who is also a recovering addict and I have to meet them at least twice a week walking around together like he doesn’t have a care in the world while he’s left me with a mortgage that I can’t afford to pay.he hardly ever shows up for his kids and I just feel lost.i really loved him and I don’t know how to move forward.i among to counselling but I don’t feel any stronger 10 wks later.im angry with him for putting me through the drug abuse and the torment when he was using to turn around when he’s finally clean to go off with another addict.we had been arguing alot before he left because he was out drinking so much and I knew something was happening with this girl.before that things were tense because he was finding it difficult being drug free.i don’t understand how he could do this to me and the kids after everything we had been through.all the calls from detox telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to keep his family together to turn around then and start something with another addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:29 pm March 16th, 2015

Kathleen,
I promise you are not alone and you are heard here. All of us here are living or have lived with an addict, but I know how alone it can feel like. When I was married to my ex-husband who was an active addict for 12 years, I felt completely alone and that is why I created this blog and that is why I wrote my book, Hope Street. I wanted other people to feel understood and to know that there is help. If you keep reading the other articles in this blog, by clicking on Amanda Andruzzi, you will find a bunch of articles that might help you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:45 pm March 16th, 2015

Anya,
You did nothing wrong by leaving her. You cannot live with and have a relationship with someone who is actively using. The lying is part of their addiction but it does not make it any easier to swallow. You are with someone you CANNOT trust and who does not have your best interest at heart. An addict will lie, manipulate and make you feel crazy while they are using the whole time. It is a game they play and we try to put the pieces of this puzzle together when really the whole time the answer is simple, they are using. If she were in recovery you would know it and those little feeling you get are justified, don’t doubt them.
In my situation, I had those feelings all of the time and let my ex-husband convince me I was wrong or crazy or paranoid but I never was.
You did what was right because it is you are not capable of having a relationship with a person who is already involved in a relationship with their drug of choice. You are not making a mistake or being selfish, you are doing something that is healthy for you and that is okay. You are allowed to be happy and have peace in your life. Living with that horrible gut feeling in the pit of your stomach and looking at the person you love right in the eye and know that they are lying to you is no way to live. You just have to make sure you find some help for you to deal with all of your emotions so that you do not go back. Believe me, living with an addict is not easier than being on your own. The pain and love you had for them will lessen and go away, but the addiction you have to live with will be something that you will live with everyday and it never feels okay. Please educate yourself on addiction and co-addiction so you will be able to make an informed decision and know exactly what you are dealing with. I hope this helps. Keep posting. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Amanda Andruzzi
1:57 pm March 16th, 2015

Sara,
If you are unhappy and have made the decision that you have tried everything you can and cannot live this way anymore then; you are not responsible for his life, his addiction, or his bills.
If you are ready to leave him, it is not always easy at first because when we love someone we feel like we are abandoning them and feelings of fear and guilt sometimes take over. You have to have the initial courage to leave and then those feelings will subside. The important thing is that you are doing what you need to do and he will be forced to take care of himself. You should not feel bad or guilty that he cannot manage his own life and by enabling him, you are allowing him to stay sick. If his life falls apart without you, then that will be a consequence to his drug abuse and something that might actually help him get sober sooner.
It would be wise to understand more about addicts so that you know what you are dealing with but it would be even wiser to educate yourself on your part of this addictive cycle so that you can make a change and get out of it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to change your life and be happy and healthy.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:08 pm March 16th, 2015

Lost,
That is a name I once thought I owned. I was married to an addict for 12 years and we had a child. Towards the end, he was cheating (and maybe before I will never know), he left us in debt, we lost our home, everything, and was dating other women, showing off girlfriends to our old friends. I was heartbroken. I was sad and miserable with no hope and then something clicked. My mother told me a while back that if I wanted revenge that the best revenge would be happiness! I thought she was joking. I found a job I loved, I found a little place I could afford, and I let him go.
You think he is happy with this person, but it sounds like the drinking is just another type of addiction. One day he may realize that he abandoned his children and family but you cannot wait around until that day occurs. You have to get on with your life for your sake and for the sake of your children.
File for the appropriate child support and leave him alone. You cannot force someone to be a part of your child’s life so you can be the present and strong parent. I realized I had to work with what I had and it turned out to be very humbling, inspiring, life-affirming all at once and I was given a second chance. This might be your second chance so I recommend you take it and let him has his life. The pain and sadness will go away in time. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of what you are going through right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel, there is Hope. I have been where you are and 5 years later I am in a great place in my life and my ex-husband is nowhere to be found. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Lost
10:41 pm March 16th, 2015

Thanks Amanda for getting bck to me.i appreciate it a lot.this day last year i cried my eyes out because my ex partner had entered detox but i was also so so proud of him for putting himself and his family first and doing his best to be the man that i knew he was.back then i had so much hope for our future and our family only for it to end the way it has.he has blamed me for not supporting him through his recovery yet i was there all the time to love and support him even when he was freaking out over nothing.i tried to understand how hard it was for him to stay clean but no matter what I said or done I was wrong in his eyes.He even tried to blame me for his relapse even though it was this new girl who was with him at the time (behind my bck).I’m so scared at what is going to happen in the future in regards to our home, our lives and I know I have to dust myself off and get on with it but I feel like I’m stuck on a merry go round. I want not to love him anymore and I want to be happy.when I think of the physical and emotional abuse that I suffered when he was using I can’t believe I allowed myself to go there yet now he’s clean and could be a functional part of mine and our kids live’s he decided it was better to start something new with someone else rather than fix ourrelatsionship because it was a great relatsionship before the drugs took over.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:04 pm March 17th, 2015

Lost,
If you get a chance please pick up my book, Hope Street. You can get the ebook or hard copy in archway’s website, Amazon, B&N and most women say they can’t put it down and finish it in one sitting.
I wrote the book for this very reason, to help people know how they feel is something I understand and to give you hope, hope that there is happiness on the other side.
You sound like you are in the thick of it and that is where’s book begins. Youay not be ready to move on just yet, but one, he did you the favor by leaving, two, all those feelings you have do go away over time if you allow yourself to go through them, and three, don’t give up on support or therapy, it works if you find the right one and if you stay with it.

Time heals all wounds and I can promise you one thing, nothing you are going through or will with your house or losing the father of your children will ever be as bad as what you felt while he was using in front of you and your kids. It will be scary and sad and hurt at times but it will be replaced by peace, sanity and eventually happiness if you stay headed in the right direction. I am not telling you something I haven’t experienced myself, I have been where you are, a single parent, hopeless, broken-hearted and penniless. I here to tell you there is hope and when you are ready and the sadness lifts a little you will want better for you and your children.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a me
Our from a co-addict

Shanda
6:32 pm March 18th, 2015

Hi I have been in a relationship with an addict for ten months now but I have known him for a life time. He is a very caring man when he is not using. When we first got together he was just on the methadone but taking a high dose so he would sleep a lot & of course that caused problems. I am a single parent two beautiful children and went through a terrible marriage and divorce three years ago. I loved this man despite no job and his methadone addiction because I thought it would get better & for the first time in a long time I was in love again. Because he couldn’t stay awake with the methadone he started using speed to stay awake and that started a whole new problem. The speedballing made him mean & completely changed who he was. He would do it get bad then come back to reality be great then another repeat. This went on for months!!! Finally I kicked him out then he got help starting meeting quit the dope and we started talking again. Evan after all the damage I still cared for him so I gave it another try. All the lying drugs arguing is hard to get over! He’s been in church now has a job but it’s just not there between us like it was. I hate feeling every time we argue he’s gonna use because that’s what he threatens. Even after him doing what I asked with the meeting and work and stopping dope I still can’t handle the high dose of methadone and him nodding out. I called it off this morning but I feel like I’m giving up on him if I don’t stick it out. He says I’m changing I’m changing and he is in some ways but the manipulation is not healthy. Help why do I feel so guilt and should I be hanging in here to see if he really is trying to change. I know what I want and it feels so far away with him. Having two brothers who are addicts and a recovering mother I’m tired and I need someone to take care of me. Help my heart hurts today.

the boyfriend of
6:31 am March 19th, 2015

Hi Amanda,

Just wanted to comment again, I appreciated one of your comments recent that your husband convinced you you were wrong crazy and paranoid.
I had a new epiphany last weekend, as predicted my addict girlfriend did come to town and I sucessfully diverted seeing her or speaking to her on the phone for my own emotional safety.
I believe very strongly that having visual or voice communication with her will completely derail my recovery from the affects of being in love with an addict.
My new awareness is by text, i try to stick to “my topic” which is the fact that she didnt agree to my terms last fall, of how we could proceed forward in a healthy relationship or friendship. I mailed it to her, to sign and return, she basically refused. Was a boundary for me.
Instead of talking about my topic she constantly turns to make me feel wrong, crazy and paranoid that the things im worried about, her infidelities dont exist, that its all my imagination.
Well, now Im beginning to try instead of responding with ” well here’s why im right” when in fact, she’s so cleverly can put doubt in my head….i now recognize her “disagreement, diflection” or even silence as a manipulation I will not win.
Whether a discussion of semantics she will say about her husband “we’re not a couple anymore i dont get what is your problem”,,,well she’s still married, but if i respond with that, will be only more ping pong, so Im trying to take the “manipulation” as a red flag sign of the disease and remind myself to back off, and put a boundary of space time and emotional distance.
Im practicing, its not easy, but if i engage in dialog she has a skill like nobody i’ve ever met, she will begin to convince me I am crazy and paranoid…she will do anything to accomplish that, thats what active addicts who are using do im learning. its constant, and it never stops.

Tnx for listening.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:00 pm March 19th, 2015

My ex-hisband made me feel crazy and made me doubt myself everyday. I would see things and he would tell me I was not seeing them. People would tell me the truth and he would twist it so much that by the end I would side with him. Addicts lie and even when you tell them the truth would hurt less, they liesome more. It is better not to listen and know your gut is right then to entertain their stories.
It took me 12 years to trust myself and stop doubting myself. The doubt is only a way of deflecting the real issue which wood force us to leave the addict.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir of a co-addict

MOEMENSI
2:50 pm March 19th, 2015

Good Day
Iam so frustarted with my situation my husband is now in a 12 step program it is now for 2weeks and 3days he told me last weerk that he is not smoking anymore .Ihave ask him to do a test yesterday it came out nagitive my point is latweek friday i have ask him if he is stil smoking he told me now but ican see his glosy pupils and his face is so thin .and i have this gut feeling that he is stil smoking but have no prrof .My thing is i have told him on suterday i want to leave and i dont want him anymore now his test is negative and now i dont know how to feel .Ijust stop and tell myself maybe he is realy stopping but i cant stop this gut feeling i have .My thing is this is the seond time he is stopping the first time he was so sick he couldent eat and he was sleeping alot and he had stomack pains now he stopped he is not even sick at all he tested positive for morfine but the day before he drink betapyn pils PLAESE I AM SO CONFUSED

Amanda Andruzzi
4:22 pm March 19th, 2015

Moemensi,

If you get a chance, please pick up my book, Hope Street, it is a memoir of my life with my addict husband. If you read it, it may help you understand addiction and the feelings you are feeling.
I can tell you one thing I learned; your gut is always right. If he is not smoking and came up positive for something else then he is still using. An addict in recovery should be clean of all substances. They will always try to say the test is not right or it is because of something else but go with your gut. You know by his behavior if he is using.
Also, you are getting caught up in his addiction again and if you set boundaries and he breaks them that should be something you stick to, no pushback. You were getting peace without him and with him it is difficult to be happy so for me the choice is obvious but I know for you it is hard to see, but I have been there and sometimes reading or knowing someone else’s story might help you understand what is happening and give you strength.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

rachel
11:12 am March 20th, 2015

Hi iv been married for 6 months and my husband has been takin coke every weekend and never comes home and cant wait to be away from and and our son… hes states that he loves me and our son but he lets me down every weekend and some week days… i have had several ultermatum with him and took him back but it quickly gets back to where hes at a t house party and doesnt come home while im lying in bed so worried.. he now says he needs help and needs to be alone to do that… i feel powerless im his wife i want to help him… shoukd i just let him go? Im confused? He says he cant be with me beacuse he cant stop hurting me… hes left me and moved in with his dad to try and sort him self out but states even if he gets better our relationship will never be the same…. how can this happen we were so happy apart from the going missing and coke using please help

Amanda Andruzzi
5:23 pm March 20th, 2015

Shanda,
I am sorry your heart hurts, unfortunately this is a common when loving an addict. You are with someone who is still actively using because he is not in full recovery. Methadone is a gateway to sobriety, not a permanent coma state. It sounds like he still has the attitude of an addict and the ups and downs are difficult to navigate for you. The inconsistency is difficult for anyone and because you are not happy does not make you a bad person and does not mean you are giving up. I think you chose an addict because this is familiar to you, having two brothers and your mother as addicts, make it a way of life for you. This must have been very difficult for you to live with growing up and I am sure you had to make sacrifices and be the responsible one as a way of life. We tend to repeat what we know and try to fix it with the person we love. I am glad you recognize that this is not the life you want and you are not a bad person for wanting a normal, healthy relationship.
Sometimes there is just too much damage done and it is best to move on. You have a lot of healing and work to do to get down to the bottom of why this man is someone you would allow into your life and the lives of your children. It is easy for me to say the best thing is to walk away because I know how hard that actually is but I would not tell you that without having been where you are myself. I know, from personal experience, that walking away is probably your best shot at being happy and finding a healthy relationship.
Keep reading about addiction and co-addiction and codependency. There is little chance you escaped a life surrounded by addicts and didn’t cope by living as a co-addict. That may be the very reason you allowed an addict into your life and it may be understanding that which will help you find the strength to leave and to want something more. Keep posting, I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
5:33 pm March 20th, 2015

Rachel,
I know it is difficult to hear but the life you had, if your husband was disappearing on weekends, may have seemed happy, but I can promise you is not the kind of happiness you deserve. You are taking care of your child while he goes out and gets high and as a co-addict, we tend to rationalize things to make it feel okay.
I was with an addict for 12 years, six years of marriage and we had one child and our stories, just like the many stories you will read here are very similar. We live for the addict, around the addict and enable the addict and we end up with nothing to show for it. If we were healthy individuals with self confidence and a sense of self-efficacy, we would walk away, even if we love the man we married because we would not want anyone to treat us this way or our child.
We have to look within ourselves and figure out why we are longing for a relationship with a person who is INCAPABLE of loving anyone else but themselves and their drug. Addiction is selfish and as a co-addict we are the ones making all of the sacrifices.
When my husband disappeared, he left without a trace, left me as a single mother, in his debt and it was actually a blessing. He did me a favor, because it gave me the opportunity to worry about myself and my daughter and made me get strong. Perhaps he did you a favor too, by giving you that opportunity and allowing you the room to find a healthy and happy relationship with someone else.
Between active using, addicts can be the most amazing people and that is what keeps us from letting go but to live for those brief, fleeting moments does not add up to a full life but more of a life of disappointment, loneliness and heartbreak.
My book, Hope Street, is a memoir about my time with an addict. I hope you get a chance to read it, I believe it is really helpful for most people going through this and may shine a light on things.
Keep me posted, I want to help!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

rachel
6:11 pm March 20th, 2015

Thank you so much for you post back… i know everything you say is right and i do deserve better i feel like i have been treated like a complete mug.. i have let my self and my son get treated this way so i need to be strong and think like what you said im cryin and unhappy missing the guy he was some of the time not the guy he actually is… it hurts to think he doesn’t want to be with me any more becasue i havent done any thing wrong i cook clean wash and bring up our son and he dissappears every weekend and totally forgets about us… eveyone says im better off with out him… maybe they are right… i do love him and wish he was the man i used to know… but at the moment i know he knows hes not that person so the easiest thing for him to do is walk away from our marrige.. thank you for your ssupport

Amanda Andruzzi
3:45 pm March 23rd, 2015

Rachel,
Of course you are a good wife and mother, an addict usually chooses a competent person because they will pick up where they lack and because they lack so much, co-addict are usually extraordinary people.
Do not doubt yourself now. He did you a favor because you were too blinded to see what was going on and now you have n choice. In time, you will see this as a good thing. You will be able to really be present in your life as an individual and a mother. I hope you keep moving forward. Stay strong, all of the people who said him leaving is a good thing are very smart people who must love you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Edward
5:02 pm March 23rd, 2015

I thank you for your kind words and advice. Since i wrote to you my son has returned home. He told me that me not answering his calls made him hit the bottom. He has been good . But now we start with the courts

Amanda Andruzzi
5:35 pm March 23rd, 2015

Edward,
You are very welcome. I am glad what you did helped him. Now is the time to not bend and stick to your boundaries. You will help him to get clean and only be in his life if he is clean.
I am not sure what you mean by the courts, if he is under the age of 18, this may be to your benefit. A court may mandate rehab. Please know he needs you now more than ever but this part can be tricky, if you enable him, that is not helpful, but loving him and holding him responsible for his actions or inaction is key. Now is the opportunity to delve deep into the real reasons he uses drugs; underlying mental illness, psychic scars, self medication, etc.
Don’t give up but more importantly don’t give in!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Thalia
6:54 pm March 26th, 2015

Hi I have been with my husband for 14 years, we have 2 kids and at one time a pretty ok life. My husband was a meth addict when I met him, but I didn’t know that. He got clean and from what I believe, he stayed clean for 4 years or so, then he became an addicted to Percocet, things were rocky from that addiction and he lost everything he worked so hard for, he even did something stupid and ended up with jail time. After I bonded him out of jail, I found out he was not taking Percocet any longer, instead he had been smoking heroin. He was clean while in jail for 6 weeks but it wasn’t long before he was using again and now I have been living through a nightmare of constant hhypocrisy, lies, manipulation, broken promises, and debt, so much debt. He always would say his dealer friends would spot him heroin for free, he really must think I’m an idiot. Recently it has gotten extremely worse he changed the pin on my credit card and took money off while I was at work. Although he admitted to doing this it still hurts to know. We talk about this everyday and all I see of him anymore is heroin. I fucking hate heroin, he can’t see what he’s lost cause of his addiction and he can’t see where his life is headed. I told him he needed to quit or leave, so he said he would but doing it cold turkey is too hard and since I’ve seen cold turkey I agreed. He said once we had an insurance that covered treatment, I searched high and low untill I found an insurance policy that had this benefit and was affordable. Then came finding a clinic / doctor that would work with his schedule, you see he has to be able to check in every Friday cause he’s on bond or a warrant will be put out for his arrest, but guess what I found the right place too, and we both looked for days. Next he cleaned out his drawers of toolbox and our storage shed. Here we are today’s the day, I took time off from work and instead he’s angry, he told me he will still go today if I want him too, but he has an interview on friday for a really good job in his field, and also since we are flat broke until I get paid, he also has a private job to make some money for us that he would be giving up. I told him this is more important and once he’s clean we won’t have to worry about lost money anymore, a weight will be lifted from both our shoulders and if this job was interested, they will be willing to reschedule to next week. He hasn’t been too happy with me since. I’m trying real hard to not say anything truthful that would hurt him, like if you go to this interview now, they will see the heroin addiction all over you, people can tell. He’s been out of job for almost a year now and thats strange for him, but seriously he has to know people can tell, they see it just looking at him right. My boss has asked me a couple hundred times to introduce him cause we need an Sytems Engineer and I have every excuse in the book not to provide this opportunity cause I’m worried they will see it when they look at him. Why doesn’t he realize he’s changed, he lets heroin control him, he looks sunken and wasted away. I’m at a loss anymore and I don’t think he’s even going to go to the clinic he said he would, and even if he does, if he’s so angry about it how will it do any good, won’t he just start using again the moment hes out.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:07 pm March 27th, 2015

Thalia,
You must remember a few things when it comes to addiction; the addict is loyal, only to the drug, they will only get help, the kind of help that might work, if THEY want to and they will allow you to enable their addiction as long as humanly possible. Everything you are describing is a very typical situation for a drug addict. They are delusional, they will lie and manipulate and make excuses when it is time to get clean because all they really want and need is their drug. Everyone around them is a distraction from those drugs but they know they must manipulate those people to be able to keep using.
Your husband needs help but you cannot help him, you can no longer be the one to get him sober, he needs to hit a bottom that makes him want to get clean. That is a scary prospect I know but living this way is pretty scary too, isn’t it?
I wrote my book, Hope Street, it is a memoir from the perspective of a co-addict, I was the wife of an addict and it nearly destroyed my life and the life of our daughter. I wrote it to help other people going through this and your situation, in fact, most situations really align with my memoir. There is hope and that is what the book is about.
And to answer your question of will he use again the moment he is out, YES. The answer is yes, he will probably be using every single time you even think he is and even the times when you think he is not. That is what addicts do and as co-addicts, we try to help, rationalize and make them see their lives are destroyed but that is not our job and we do it to no avail. We don’t help the addict and in turn we hurt ourselves. Thalia, I would recommend getting help for you and your children right now, who need it the most. If you gave him an ultimatum of get clean or get out, then I think sticking to that would be the first step. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

azndngirl
7:10 am April 1st, 2015

My story is odd. I started out with my husband drinking myself. We drank together a lot before we got married. I got pregnant and quit drinking and we tried to be parents. Eventually getting married. In the in-betweens lots of domestic violence has happened including him throwing a rock through the patio window with my daughter and I inside. (not after the police told me he broke my new car windshield 1st before throwing the rock threw the apartment window in broad daylight). We separated and eventually got back together for our daughters sake. More domestic violence including being hit and choked at least 3 times where I lost consciousness. We stayed together and worked things out and finally settled down. This didn’t change the fact that he started leaving to drink (ending up on the streets) for days even weeks.
Right now he is straight drunk on the street hanging out at parks with other local drunks until he decides to dry out and beg and plead to come home. I normally let him when he’s sober. He tried jobs and school that is suffering with his binges. He isn’t drinking around my daughter or I but he is out on the street being a drunk and I am fed up.
Besides all the reasons this all sounds horrible and I should have left him so many times I can’t find a way to let it go. I worry, I get upset, frustrated and downright confused. I rarely talk to ANYONE about it cause our families were tired of it back when the windows were busted. Any words is welcomed and believe me I have thought so much about this. =(

anbee
8:35 pm April 2nd, 2015

This article is very encouraging. I have a live in boyfriend who is addicted to percocets or anything like it. We have been together for 2 years now and I am not sure if there’s a name for it or not but he is a “functional” addict. He works and is home every night, so needless to say it makes it harder to “let go”. He has lied and even stolen from me, which he later admitted. I don’t know what to do. I am living a life I don’t want to live. I do love and care for him but this is exhausting! Where do I begin? I have asked him If he wants the help to let me know and I will help him find resources but, of course, he even denies being addicted. I don’t want to do it anymore. Please advice. Thank you

LB
11:36 pm April 4th, 2015

I have been with this guy who is a real drug addict. Whenever pay day comes he disappears.
I already he is on drugs and I believe it has affected his thinking- Hallucinating severely, It’s just when he is out getting high, snorting, smoking however, he is doing it with drug addict women only. He has never got high with any men! Getting high and going on the binge is one thing but when you’re gone overnight with a drug addict woman is ridiculous. He says he doesn’t have sex with them because they are dopefiends. I have doubts. He repeatedly tells me he just gets high with them. I don’t know what to believe. I am afraid when we make love I may have a disease. Please reply.

Maria
3:16 pm April 10th, 2015

I’m 17 and my 23 now ex used. My parents made me sever contact with him yesterday and it hurts. I will always love him but I need to move on. I feel like I abandoned him. Will this help him at all? Did I abandon him? Am I a bad person?

Amanda Andruzzi
6:51 pm April 11th, 2015

Maria,

You are not a bad person and although it hurts your parents are protecting you from something that you won’t understand until you get more involved with his addiction. An addict will live the drug first and so he cannot really love or care for you while he is dealing with his demons.
I was 19 and met my 23 yr old boyfriend. We were together for 12 years, married for 6 and had one child. His addiction took him from us because he was not able to have a real life when addiction is number one. I wrote a book, Hope Street is my memoir of my life with an addict. It might really open your eyes. Right now you should try to educate yourself in addiction and co-addiction, so you will be able to understand what you are dealing with and why your parents are trying to protect you. Keep me posted.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addiction

shelliy
5:26 pm April 12th, 2015

I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for almost three years, and as much as I love and care for him..I realize it is time for me to detach from him…emotionally,mentally and physically. How hard it is to do though. He recently went into a detox and checked himself out after 5 days. He has hit me, belittled me, my grown children despise him..but yet I love him. I have come to the realization that I am codependant..and need to walk away and stay away….very hard to do when you are the only person whom has not deserted him.

kristin
12:18 am April 13th, 2015

I’m sitting in the car in front of my boyfriend’s house and i’m crying like i never cried before. I feel so alone and in my head im thinking abou my sister abd my mother and father who never stopped loving me and caring about me. Me and my “ex” addict just argued. And it was my faut but then it transformed into something a bit more violent for him…thats why im crying. And also i realized i cant live like this. And im only 22. Why did this happen to me…i was such a nice girl, funny, cute… And its better if i dont start how bad im feeling for my mother cause she did just nothing wrong growing me up…but sometimes things just happen. And she feels bad for me because i feel bad and that hurts me so much i cant even explain…. Damn i really hope things get better….it is so hard for me right now….

Sara
5:55 am April 14th, 2015

I want to move away from my husband who is a drug addict
But I don’t know how i have put up with him for five years but I can’t take it anymore I have a mental illness and he is constantly stealing my medicine I don’t know where to go

Amanda Andruzzi
1:31 pm April 14th, 2015

Shelliy,
Walking away is the hardest thing you will ever do when you love someone. It is hard to say “I realize I have a problem”, but you have done that and that is the first step. You have admitted that the problem is not just with the addict but with you for taking the abuse and submitting to his addiction. That is commendable and you should not beat yourself up. It may take time but you will walk away because you realize this is not the life you want. What you need to do is get some help, some supportive groups or a therapist that can help you see what is really going on inside you. Once you start to grow, learn and heal, you will not want to love someone like that and it will be easier to walk away. Keep reading my articles here (click on Amanda Andruzzi) and educate yourself on co-addiction. It will help you start to see what is really going on and why you are stuck. You want to get yourself unstuck and by admitting things are bad and that you want change is the first and most important step. Keep going from here.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:45 pm April 14th, 2015

Kristen,
Please know that I was you at 19 years old when I met my ex-husband who was an addict. Please know that I understand where you are and how you feel, exactly. My parents warned me but I loved him so much and I stayed. 12 years, one child and much pain later, I had to leave because things never got better and my life was a mess. I cried day in and day out.
Kristen, it is time to get some help for you. If only I had had someone at that time, who had been in love with an addict tell me this was something that had to end, it may have saved me years of my life. I do not recommend to people that they have to read my book, my story but for you I think it would help you almost immediately. It will give you a real example of what your life might become if you DON”T leave him and get help for yourself. In my book, Hope Street, you will find all of your feelings and inability to walk away but you will be able to fast forward to your life 10 years later. Keep me posted and do not stop questioning why that feeling in your gut that won’t let you accept that this relationship is good won’t go away. That gut feeling is right.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:52 pm April 14th, 2015

Sara,
What did you do 5 years ago before you met him? How did you get along and support yourself when he was not in your life? If he was not there before and you were able to survive, you can do it again. You do not have to put up with this, especially when you know you are done with this life. You need to start planning on how you can leave, storing some money on the side, finding a means and a way to leave. It is possible and you can do it but you cannot be complacent, unfortunately nothing will happen unless you make it happen. Waiting for things to change, you may end up never leaving. Make a plan, step-by-step to start to get your own life in order until you have enough leverage to walk away. Get support from friends, family and/or support groups. You will be surprised how much people will crawl out of the woodwork to help you. Keep me posted, I am here to help you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Christine
5:19 pm April 16th, 2015

Good Morning Amanda,
My story isn’t as difficult as some women that have posted before me so I feel silly even commenting but I feel my struggle is overwhelming for me at this time. I met my ex in April of 2014 on vacation in Cuba. We spent the whole week together and completely fell for each other. He was from Calgary and I was from the Toronto area. Him and I kept touch daily and had visited each other a few times (I went to Calgary and he came to Toronto), we decided to take a chance and follow our ‘guts’ and move in together in Toronto. He seemed like such an amazing man and I completely fell in love. I thought that getting to know each other long distance was great because it forced us to talk without physical interference and we really got to know each other and share ourselves and connect with each other on a special level. So, he packed up, drove 4 days across Canada and we moved in together August 1st of 2014. At first everything was great, I knew he liked to drink (he had disclosed this to me) but it was portrayed as just a glass of wine or two a night. I quickly found out that he likes to drink over 1.5 liters of wine a night (to himself; I don’t drink) and would rather spend whatever money he had on alcohol instead of food, or rent, or any other necessities.
I felt stuck very early in the relationship as we had signed a lease together. He got laid off from work shortly after moving down and our financial problems really began. He is so addicted to drinking that he would drink WHILE he drives (he would put wine in a portable cup). I couldn’t believe the situation I was in. Long story short after 9 months of misery and finding out that he had been cheating on me and after several episodes of him getting violent I decided to leave. I moved out and am now on my own. My current struggle isn’t that I want him back, because I DO NOT want that life for myself, where I’m having a hard time now is how sad I feel for him. He doesn’t know ANYONE here…he hasn’t been able to keep friendships because of his drinking. He fills his time with woman after woman because he can’t face himself. (he refuses help, admits his drinking is a problem but that he can fix it on his own).
He hasn’t tried to call me or be in touch with me in over a week (which I know is a blessing) but why do I feel like I need him or want him to miss me? I know how good I was to him why do I feel like I need him to know? I feel like I want answers, an explanation or apology that I’m not going to get. It’s a struggle everyday not to call him or drive by our old home…I’ve done all the ‘hard work’ why isn’t this getting easier? I feel like my sadness over him is growing when it should be diminishing…I’ve talked to someone through my EAP at work and it helps my ‘brain’ understand but not how my heart feels…does this make sense?
Urgh Help.

Thank you

katherine
6:25 pm April 16th, 2015

My husband is a percocet abuser… he is a compulsive liar .. he lies to me about everything.. he lies so much that he makes himself believe them.. he makes me feel bad about going to my family for help or any sort of support.. he steals .. lies.. munipulates me .. when our son was born he stressed so bad that he relapsed and decided to lie to everyone saying I was denying his parents access when i asked for space so we could grasp the concept of being new parents.. when ever i go to walk away from him to leave a heated argument he visiously grabs the car keys from me.. he stole money from our account … he never helped with our son.. he barely attended visits.. just recently he made me believe things were better and he was no longer using .. hes munipulated me into believeing this several times.. and its the same thing over and over.. i need some advice .. i ve tried counselling and its never consistant ..

Amanda Andruzzi
1:58 pm April 17th, 2015

Christine,
Just because we know it is not rational to love someone or a situation we were in does not mean that because we leave our heart just turns off. When things can be so wonderful and then go so wrong, our minds tend to think about the wonderful and how and why it went so wrong. The strangest part of all of this is how our hearts can keep on loving despite all of the pain this person may have caused us.
I can tell you one thing, it won’t get any better as long as he is in your life. I learned this the hard way. I broke up and got back together with my drug addicted boyfriend, then husband for 12 years. I would leave, knowing I wanted something different but I could not stop feeling for him, feeling he might need me to help and then feeling overwhelming love. This went on as long as I kept going back, talking to him on the phone and forgiving.
The truth is, the best thing for you would be to cut off contact. Initially it hurts and you feel like you want to know what he is doing and losing control can be really unnerving. This goes away. The pain lessens and then you have no choice but to start moving on.
The short and the long of it Christine, is that you have to stop focusing on him and leave him alone. Stop answering calls and getting sucked back in because even just talking will keep him on your mind. You have to go back to doing things you used to love and for a while you will still think of him, even obsess, but the more you get used to not thinking about him and what he is doing, you will start thinking about you and what you want.
I thought this was impossible when I went through the very same thing you are sharing with me so I would not be able to tell you how to do it unless I had done it myself. If you don’t, what ends up happening is you think you have moved on and then you get a call from him and he sounds better, apologetic even and you go right back to where you were. You are smart enough to know you do not want that and so moving on is something you need to take an active role in.
You need to take steps to move on, not just hope it will happen. A man that cheats on you, manipulates you and has a problem that rules his life that he is not even beginning to deal with will be just a lifetime of difficulty for you. Letting go is work, it is work for you. It is a choice and even though you left physically, you have to make the decision to do the things you need to to let go in your heart. Keep reading my other articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi, and they will come up, they will give you the steps you need to start letting go. Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:13 pm April 17th, 2015

Katherine,
Thank you for sharing your story.
I want to give you a long-winded answer to try to relay to you how much I know what you are going through. Every now and again I highly recommend reading the book I wrote, Hope Street, and this is one of those times. It is my memoir of my relationship with my ex-husband, an addict, and con artist. All I dealt with was lies and the way this feels cannot be understood unless you know firsthand. The book may help you because it is my personal journal of how I came out of it and uncovered the truth. I wrote it to give hope to others and hopefully help them find their own path to moving on which is what it sounds like you need to do.
This life with an addict can be exhausting and you wonder when the lies will end. I am here to tell you they won’t unless you make a change. We have to change the way we deal with the addict, if we choose to deal with them at all and get out of this cycle we create with them. We have to let go and then we can start to become unaffected by what they say or do.
Please let me know if the book helps, I find most people tell me it really does and that is why I wrote it. Keep reading, get educated on co-addiction and what you can do to change because if you wait for him to change, you could be waiting forever. My other articles in this blog will also help, just click on Amanda Andruzzi at the top next to my picture and they will pop up. Please keep me posted, I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Chloe
5:16 pm April 17th, 2015

These stories seem all too similar to mine. I met and fell in love so quickly with a man that I know is my other half. I was 26 when we met and he was 34 and we have been together for almost 10 years, married almost 4 years. We partied together for the first few years, but as I grew out of my partying stage and into real life I realized he had a major problem with alcohol and pills. So many years of ups and downs. The ups outweighed the downs for many years and this was the love of my life so I never thought of not being with him. Last year his brother who was in prison for drugs, got out. That was when i came home early one day to find him passed out on the toilet and a needle on the floor. I grew up in the most loving, normal household, so this was something I had only heard about. He went into detox and a sober living house and I thought we were past it. He started drinking again, but I was ok with that cause it wasn’t hardcore drugs. Three weeks ago, we got into a little argument and I went to visit my family for a few days. He wasn’t home when I returned. He will not call me, only texts me here and there. He is staying with his brother on the couch and his car broke down. I was upset the first few days, then I was just sad that I had lost him to this, I just want him home and safe. But I know that’s not good for me and I need to pick up the pieces in my life and move on. It’s just so hard when this is all you’ve known for years. I want my husband back where I can care for him and get him into a treatment program. He texts me that he wants help and don’t give up on him but then won’t reply to any other texts or calls. He texts that he lives and misses me so much and he feels terrible for not calling and wants to, but it’s going on a month and nothing. I know we can’t be together, but should I continue to try to get him away from his brother and that life or should I divorce him and never look back?

Christine
5:30 pm April 17th, 2015

Good morning Amanda,
Thank you so much for your reply. I will continue to follow your blogs as well as your advice.
I know that cutting off all contact is the right and only thing to do; although hard, it has to be done. I have him blocked from calling/texting/emailing me and he does not know where I live. Unfortunately he is still able to leave me voicemails and hearing his voice makes moving on very difficult. I understand that he needs to hit his rock bottom to want and get help, and for that to happen I need to pull away completely, it’s just so hard to sit on the side lines and watch someone that you care for completely destroy themselves.
I’ve read some of your other articles on “how to stop obsessive thoughts and worrying” “The pattern of codependent behaviors” and “How to stop codependent behaviors” and I am trying to apply these as best I can. That is 100% where I’m at right now; obsessing over and worrying about him and what he’s doing, who’s he talking to? is he happy without me? is he drinking and driving? does he have food to eat? is he lonely? and so on and so on, sometimes it completely consumes me; it’s crazy how getting control of your own thoughts can be so hard. I will take things 1 day at a time and continue to work on myself. I’ve gotten back into working out (which I LOVE and had really let fall to the side) I’ve lost 15 pounds and people have even noticed that I’m looking more lively and less stressed … Thanks so much again for your reply and having this blog available. I can’t imagine the help and hope that you have brought to so many women (and men) who are struggling and feel like there might not be any other way…
God Bless you and your family

Thanks again!

Lynn
2:04 am April 20th, 2015

Finding this blog and reading through the different comments has helped me. My question is: How do I leave my partner of 15 years who is addicted to meth? There is probably a really simple answer to my question, but I am lost and in constant need of clarity. We have two children and a home that he seldom lives in. I care for the kids and manage our household via full-time job. He comes and goes. Given this situation, how do I begin the process of moving on, while setting boundaries if he comes and leaves even after I have told him not to come around anymore. Does this require legal steps? I am afraid but also am aware of what needs to be done to protect our kids from the unstable and unhealthy envrionment their father has put us through, and upset at myself for allowing this to continue. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Julia
4:54 pm April 20th, 2015

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and he is an alcoholic and a drug addict.
We have been going around the same merry go round for years – he is drinking, then he is not drinking, he went to rehab for three months, got clean, got out – one week later started drinking.
Recently, he had stopped drinking for a few months, but I noticed from his behavior that he was on drugs. I was trying to get on with my life as best as I could and not get involved in the details of his drug habit. I got a call that he is in jail. He and a friend got picked up for heroin possession. He is begging me to bail him out, but I feel like I have finally reached my breaking point. I do not want to bail him out of jail, but it is very difficult for me since if he stays in there he will miss several important things – like our son’s college graduation (which I think will hurt my son) and also his father recently had surgery so he is in touch by phone with his parents everyday. If he stays in jail he will not be able to communicate with them and eventually I will have to tell them what is going on, and I feel that is the LAST thing that they need on their minds right now. But I truly feel that I should not help him anymore with anything that has happened due to his addictions, not to mention that we have no extra money at this time, (I already had to pay close to 300.00 to get our car out of impoundment since he was in his car when he was arrester) but I am
having a very difficult time with this decision. It is very painful and difficult for me, but I feel it is the right thing to do. Help!

Amanda Andruzzi
2:50 pm April 21st, 2015

Julia,
Thank you for sharing here with us. My relationship with my ex-drug addicted husband lasted 12 years and we had one child. I know what you are feeling right now. I did bail him out, I lied to his co-workers and he just kept on using. I did it to help him and what I really did was help him use drugs more.
It is not your fault that he was arrested, that he will miss his son’s graduation or that his parents will find out. You have kept his secrets and covered for him for 20 years and where has that gotten you?
If you do this for him, he’ll be back out using again. I am not saying you need to spite him by not bailing him out but you need to leave him alone and make him responsible for his actions.
Why should he stop using or be a responsible parent or a good spouse if he has you to do it for him? All he needs to do is get high and whatever happens you will be there.
Julia, what I am saying is there will always be a reason why you should help him because you want to shield others from pain, I get that, but all you are doing is stopping them from dealing with what is going on and that is not your burden. Sometimes as co-addicts we play God, and that is not our responsibility. CIf you want the 20 year old merry go round ride to end, YOU need to end it. YOU need to change, change you, and how you react to him. It is really the only way to save yourself and your children.
My book Hope Street is my memoir of my 12 year merry go round and it takes you through my raw emotions, which may really help you feel less alone, but what it also may help you see is that when you stand up to him, let the truth come out you will not only help the people around the addict but also you. I hope you get a chance to read it and if not please feel free to contact me directly at hopestreetmemoir@(gmail). I will be able to respond more quickly. I am here to help.
Best, Amanda Amdruzzi, Published Author, Hope Strwet, Amir from a co-addict

Vicky
3:06 pm April 21st, 2015

How can I help my partner who is becoming increasingly addicted that he is on probation at work, no longer interacts with his close family and our relationship is at breaking point, he is doing more and more to hide and lye about using every few days and can no longer rationalise his ‘no’ switch because the need is too great. He is willing to loose me, the job and his responsibilities just for a fix. Please help.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:23 pm April 21st, 2015

Vicky,
Breathe, take deep breaths and know we are all here to help! I cannot help you, help him, I can only try to help you. If you want to stay, the only advice I can give is that you should create boundaries and give him one chance to get clean and do not go back on those boundaries. There are a few articles I wrote that may help, click in my name Amanda Amdruzzi next to my picture and they will pop up. Read Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for Families and 8 Signs You are a Co-addict to start as they may help you figure out what is really going on in terms of addiction.
Addiction is strong, an addict will chose drugs first, over anything or anybody, you can read the 100’s of posts here to get a glimpse of what an addict will do to the people they love.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him stop, you may need to learn that the hard way like most of us here have, but if you accept my help, I can at least open your eyes to something I learned after 12 years in a similar relationship; only you can change yourself. You can extend help to him but he may only get clean if you set boundaries, leave him alone with his addiction, and do not enable him; that is let the chips fall where they may. If you pick up his mess, he’ll be able to keep using.
This is about you and if you want changes, they must come from you. Asking an addict to stop will just get you lies and manipulation but showing an addict (by leaving them) they must stop if they want to continue on with your relationship, is your best shot. I am here to help!
Best, Amamda Amdruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Lynn
9:03 pm April 22nd, 2015

My 23 yr old heroin user son got sober after 1 yr in jail. He did great when he was released.
Receive a good job, college, gym work outs, healthy eating. He meet a heroin user at his place of employment and starting using again. It’s been 4 months. I kicked him out of my house, and he rents a room from a nice couple. I feel bad they don’t know he uses. I threatened to call his landlords and tell them of his drug use. He goes back and forth with Suboxone (what a joke that drug is and the doctors making $$$ off prescribing it) He contributes $50 dollars a month to help pay for his cell phone which is on my cell plan.
I want to have his service disconnected even though he is paying his bill to me monthly because he using his phone to call drug dealers. I’m so angry at him and his lies. I want him to get his own cell plan. So i had his line suspended today. I hate heroin. I hate the disease. Yes, I go to Al Anon meetings.

Vicki
3:57 pm April 26th, 2015

After wasting the first half of my life with alcoholics and drug addicts,and both parents and two brothers that were alcoholics, I had broke free got myself a good job and bought a condo, and was so happy, I danced every morning in my kitchen while making breakfast,I was never so happy and thankful, I met a wonderful man, and we made a home together, well I thought he was wonderful until I realised he was a liar. And a high functioning alcoholic .among some of his lies was the one that he might have a couple of beers on a Saturday night, hah! That turned into 12-18 a night, some months he drinks around 400 beers, I can’t stand to watch him open one more.., I left him once but was very sick and had no choice but to go back, now I have my health back and so desperately want to leave, I just have to find the courage and strength, he has a good heart, and I don’t want to hurt him, but everyday around four my day is ruined, I stress out everyday whether or not he will drink, but he always does, he hides his alcohol sometimes, every trip we have been on has been ruin from his drinking, we have no friends, I moved away from all of mine to be with him, I am 55 and know if I don’t start over soon I will never, I pray everyday for the courage to tell him and leave, .I have always found the courage before but it had taken 10-12 years on both occasions but I don’t have that kind of time to waste anymore… I don’t know what to say to him to leave without hurting him, I feel wracked with stress and my nerves are a jumbled mess…. I so badly want my happy life back..

SuperStar
3:11 am April 27th, 2015

Is there any story when women had no money, no family, little low pay job and a little kid AND she was able to walk away from an addict that provided home and little money for living????

Lea
4:24 pm April 27th, 2015

Have a daughter who has big alcohol problems low self esteem dv issues tried to help for lot of years last two years have been hell she did get help but wouldn’t commit so now she has said help is making her worse and won’t ask for help and is doing it herself which we have fell out over I know I can’t change her but do you think it’s possible to have a relationship with someone who’s life is so chaotic and won’t get help where I have been in recovery and came out the other side

Amanda Andruzzi
11:00 pm April 27th, 2015

Vicky,
I answered your post but I can see here it was never approved and posted, so I will attempt to answer you again.
Thank you for sharing with us. There is not one person here that will try to tell you any of this is easy. The easiest and most rational thought would be for you to walk away, but it is not that simple for most of us. It is hard to see the person you love fall apart and stand by and watch them. The help you are probably asking for, for example, is not help for you but how you can help him; get into recovery, see the error of his ways, etc.
I wish I could tell you what to do, step-by-step to help him but there is little success with getting an addict to take a good hard look at what they are doing and care enough to change. Addiction is all encompassing and an addict will do and say anything to keep getting that fix. What I mean is that you cannot help him try to get better, you can only help yourself; and in that process perhaps inspire him to get help.
If you enable him in any way, you will just perpetuate the cycle of addiction, but if you make a decision to move on and let him go, you may give him a chance to see things differently. Just because you walk away does not mean you do not care or that you would not help, but the help he needs right now is not for you to make him see he needs help, it is for you to let him come to that conclusion on his own. You can be a help by not helping. You can let him know you care but that when he is serious about recovery you will support him; no sooner.
Right now it may be a good idea to read more on addiction and addictive behaviors so that you can see what he is doing is fairly common and not specific to him. This may help you understand the part you need to play, or better yet, the part you need not to play.
I hope this makes sense and I am here if you need me.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir-from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:05 pm April 28th, 2015

Christine,
You are very welcome. If I couldn’t take my experience and turn it into something positive then I went through it for nothing. I am glad you are getting back to the things that make you feel better.
It is very difficult to stop the worry and the obsession and that is why you can just keep replacing those thoughts with other activities. If you feel obsessed, stop, recognize it and then move on to something that you have always wanted to do or get to that will make you feel better or that you have accomplished something. If you have read my book, Hope Street, you will see how I started this change of thought. For example, you listened to a message and now you are worried. That is okay, it is normal to worry for someone who is falling apart that you love, but think about the fact that you tried and there is nothing left for you to do. Then go and clean out that closet you have been meaning to get to. You will occupy your mind and feel a sense of accomplishment instead of the sulking that we tend to do over someone who we cannot help.
Please keep me posted and keep on moving forward!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:16 pm April 28th, 2015

Chloe,
I am my response took so long, I only saw your post today. Please post here for immediate responses https://hopestreetmemoir.wordpress.com/.
Thank you for sharing your story.
The right answer (and remember life is not black and white) is to leave, get a divorce and don’t look back. That is your best shot at being happy and having the life you want. Unfortunately, we have these things called feelings that hold us back and keep us stuck. You are in a tough place because you want the man you once loved.
With addiction, especially when we know only the addict, we never really know who that person is because we only get small glimpses. He is a very broken man and I wish I could tell you your love will fix him but I can tell you with 100% certainty that it won’t. Nothing you have done, no love you have given, support, help has helped him want to get clean so this is a battle he has to face alone. Does that mean you can just move on? Not always, but moving on is the best option for you.
We can become engrossed in another person’s addiction and lose ourselves and that is the case here. You want so much to help him that you stopped worrying about what is best for you. I would recommend therapy, distractions, activities, anything you can do to start moving on with your life. Stop texting and calling and stop answering his. He is in a dark place and you cannot reach him. At one point, I simply wrote to my ex-husband so that I could have some closure, even if he never responded it did not matter. I let him know I loved him, I had the best intentions for him and if he was ever in recovery, real recovery, I would be able to support him, until then I wanted no further contact. It really helped me. I hope you find your way and I hope my articles here and my book can help you. Please keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir on co-addiction

Amanda Andruzzi
2:26 pm April 28th, 2015

Lynn
2:04 am April 20th, 2015

Finding this blog and reading through the different comments has helped me. My question is: How do I leave my partner of 15 years who is addicted to meth?

In response to the Lynn comment above. I am sorry I did not get your post sooner.

I think you have to do what is best for your children and your family. This will also be best for you. If you set boundaries and he breaks them then you must take the necessary steps to get him out of your life. If that means changing the locks and then calling the authorities, that is what you have to do. I got an order of protection and went to family court to protect my child from the drug abuse that was happening in my home. I did not have to take it very far because as soon as I did that my ex-husband got the message. He was only coming back for things and not to see his child or me anyway so I just made it easier on me as you should make it easier on you. That is okay. You need to be the sole provider and protector of those children and exposing them to an addict, even if it is their father is something that should stop. You are a very strong woman and I really hope that he can give you some peace so that you can move on with your life and find happiness and stability with your children.
For me, I had to cut all ties and it really helped me and my daughter. When children are involved it is not about you as much and it is not about what the addict needs it is about what is best for the children. If the addict is out of control, you have to take control, not control of him but control over YOUR life. I hope this helps, please keep reading the other articles here and pick up my book, they may really help you find your way.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:40 pm April 28th, 2015

In response to this comment;
Lynn
9:03 pm April 22nd, 2015

My 23 yr old heroin user son got sober after 1 yr in jail. He did great when he was released.
Receive a good job, college, gym work outs, healthy eating.

I apologize I did not get your post sooner. I am sorry for your situation and as always, I really believe that having an addicted child is a much different situation than having an addicted spouse. There is no comparison to watching a child struggle with the grips of addiction.
You can never stop loving or worrying about a child. I want you to know you are doing the right thing. You need to separate yourself from his life right now. You have done everything to support him and now it may be time for him to go through this alone and come to the conclusion that he needs to get help. I would not intervene with his landlords or do anything to get him in trouble, believe me, in time, if this addiction worsens he will do that on his own. You have to love him from a distance and let him go. I have 3 children, so it makes me cringe to even have to say that about your child.
Please read the article (click on my name Amanda Andruzzi next to my name at the top and my other articles will pop up) Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for Families and others regarding enabling. This article might help you come up with a plan and make sure that everyone around you and everyone who loves him will be aware of the problem and stop any enabling behavior.
Then I would get some support for you, if Al-anon does not work, try other group therapy or a therapist who specializes in addiction. Now you have to Let Go and Let God. That just means that you let go but trust that you have done everything in your power to help.
I would let him know that you love him and he means the world to you but that he cannot be in your life unless he is clean and sober and in a recovery program. If he is serious about getting help then you will be there to support him and help him but no sooner. Just remember to let him know you love him. I am sorry for your pain but I hope that he is able to get down to the deeper issues of why he is using drugs (drugs are usually a symptom of deeper issues, and other mental health issues). Keep me posted, I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:47 pm April 28th, 2015

Lea,

Thank you for sharing here.
I want to refer you to the comment I made just before this. It is in regards to parents of addicts.

“Please read the article (click on my name Amanda Andruzzi next to my name at the top and my other articles will pop up) Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for Families and others regarding enabling. This article might help you come up with a plan and make sure that everyone around you and everyone who loves him will be aware of the problem and stop any enabling behavior.
Then I would get some support for you, if Al-anon does not work, try other group therapy or a therapist who specializes in addiction. Now you have to Let Go and Let God. That just means that you let go but trust that you have done everything in your power to help.”

Dealing with an addicted child must be the hardest thing to do in the world. How can you not help? If you understand addiction, you will know that sometimes our help is really enabling. I would try to let her do this on her own because helping her is not working and she may need a wake up call that only she will get when she is on her own. It is a chance we take but if we let them know we love them and will help them when they are really ready to recover, there is not much else we can do. You have probably noticed that your support in the past has only enabled their addiction by helping manage their life when they could not. Recovery has to come from them, you can only show them the way when they are ready.
Please keep me posted and know that I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

sarah
8:35 am April 30th, 2015

I was ready to walk after a 3rd relapse in 2 years… then I found out I am pregnant. I really am at a loss with what to do. His drug of choice is meth. He has not been doing enough work towards sobriety and I am scared he will relapse again. He has started to hang out with an old friend who I know used to do drugs with him. He tells me he has been best friends with the guys for years and he can’t just let him go and that I need to give the guy a chance. I tried to give him a chance two years ago and then I found my boyfriend over dosing and almost dead. I am not willing to give someone i see as toxic a chance to be in my life let alone my child’s life. I told him I cannot he with him if he continues to be friends with the guy. He told me he won’t stop. I suppose the choice has been made. for the safety of me and my child I need to walk away. I am just so scared. like an idiot I thought the last relapse was the last relapse. now he is smoking pot as he says it helps him…. and he got it from that same guy I loath. I know I am talking in circles but I am trying to make some sense of it all. ugggg. so I am laying on the couch typing this post while he is in our bed sleeping. There can be no resolve… I need out. 4 months pregnant and getting ready to be a single mom. wow.

Amanda Andruzzi
8:33 pm April 30th, 2015

Sarah,
You are not alone. Thank you for sharing with us, you are in the right place. I went back and forth with my ex-husband, we met when I was 19 for 12 years and had one child. I became a single mom and it was difficult, but I can tel you this, do not count on him stopping, do not count on him at all. Addiction is a vicious disease and the addict does a lot to harm the people around them because getting high is #1. There is no such thing as smoking pot to replace meth, it is just replacing one addiction with another that will sooner than later turn into another addiction.
Your gut feeling, that little voice in your core that tells you this is not right…listen to that! Being pregnant is a scary time to walk away but it is and should be a beautiful time. I refrain from telling women to walk away, because I write to them and they do not right back, because they are not ready and that is not what they want to hear. They are not ready to hear that they need to change, but it seems like you know you need to do something. Every now and again I highly recommend reading my book, Hope Street, it is my memoir of my life with an addict. It is very raw and very real and the only way for you to know that I understand and that you are not the only one going through this and that there is hope.
Also read here the other articles (click on Amanda Andruzzi next to my picture at the top) I have here so that you can educate yourself on addiction and co-addiction and the mistakes we make when we love an addict. You had an urge to post and you are inquiring and that is good, do not let that urge pass. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict.

Amanda Andruzzi
11:29 pm April 30th, 2015

azndngirl from 7:10 am April 1st, 2015
I am sorry this is getting to you so late. The site has some issues and I do not always get alerted when there are posts, some pop up weeks after they are posted.
I am sorry for all that you are going through. I know this all must be tough to share. You are in the right place. All of us here have been fed up dealing with a spouse that is abusing drugs. If you continue to allow him in, even though he is sober, there is no reason for him to stop. It sounds cruel but it is not your job or your responsibility to take care of him, this addiction is his problem. If you have asked him to stop, shown your love and support and offered him a way to get help, then you have done all that you can. An addict won’t quit unless they choose to and sometimes not until their lives have been reduced to nothing. But that is not your job and somehow, someway, you need to pick up the pieces and help yourself and your child. You may not be ready and that is okay, but when you become sick of this way of living we are here to help. Keep reading the articles here (click on Amanda Andruzzi at the top of the page by my picture and my articles will pop up), they will give you tips on how to move on. I know it is hard to let go but it is what is best for you so that you can heal and have a chance at a happy life and to have the opportunity to be a stable parent for your child. In this process, you might allow him to hit bottom and figure out on his own that he needs help.
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
11:38 pm April 30th, 2015

Anbee,
I keep having to apologize, this site has some issues and your post was not there yesterday, I was not alerted and I see it today, so I am sorry this took so long to get to you.
It is hard to let go, especially when you love someone and things are not that bad, and are not like the horror stories you hear. You start to become accustomed to the way things have become and justify why you stay, but you deserve to be happy. You should not have to live in a state of uncertainty, of lies, and with a man you cannot trust and who cannot really love you because his pills are #1. I would advise you to keep reading all my articles here to give you some insight on enabling, on addiction, on steps to move on and to help you understand you are not alone, I have been there. This is not easy but just because something is difficult it does not mean you should not do it. Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
11:48 pm April 30th, 2015

LB,
this site has some issues and your post was not there yesterday, I was not alerted and I see it today, so I am sorry this took so long to get to you.
LB, thank you for sharing, there are no judgements here but sometimes there will be the hard truth. If he is using with women, then you NEED to protect yourself. Everything that comes out of an addict’s mouth is usually a lie or some light version of the truth. I would get tested immediately and then abstain from sleeping with him. This is your life and I hope you take seriously that you could contract an array of sexually transmitted diseases that can be with you forever or take your life.
I know that it is hard to walk away from someone you love but if they are openly getting high and this is something you are not okay with, you have to ask yourself why you stay with him. Why would you be with someone who has only pain to offer you. As co-addicts, we tend to lack self-confidence and self-respect and we need to work on those issues so that we can see the truth and the big picture. No one deserves to have to be in a relationship with an active addict and to watch them lie and manipulate you. This is where you come in. You need to find strength and support so that you can gain the self-confidence you need to move on. You should let him go and I do hope you are ready before something bad happens. Please keep reading about co-dependency and co-addiction and check out my other articles here. Keep me posted and keep posting, I will answer as soon as I get posts.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
12:00 am May 1st, 2015

Super Star,
Of course there are stories where women have to do it on their own. Sometimes they need government support, there are programs you can apply for and health insurance if you have a low income. There are ways and you don’t have to walk away, right away, you can make sure you do your research and put everything in place before you do. Even though he is an addict, he is still financially responsible and when you go to family court, they will take the support right out of his check. I opted to not follow up on child support and do it all on my own. I did have parents that helped me with childcare and a place to live initially so I could save up for a year, but if you want to leave, you can find a way. If you need help with ideas and planning you can contact me directly at hopestreetmemoir(AT)gmail. I would be happy to brainstorm with you. Struggling to make it with a child was a lot better for me than living with an addict. I was scared and in debt but I made it through and so can you.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Vanessa
2:33 am May 1st, 2015

Wow never would’ve thought in a million years I would be coming to this type of blog for guidance. Where do I even start off….. well here we go I’m in love with a heroin addict and Im at my rock bottom and Im seriously tired of being this miserable person my husband has created! So heres a little background me and my husband started dating at the age of 14years old and weve been inseparable since. We are now both 28yrs old and have an amazing 3yr old daughter who i have to say has been the only reason I’ve been so strong when ny world was turned upside down. So when we first started dating he was involved with the wrong crowd and turned to heroin after losing his father This went on for the first year of dating I was young an naive and knew nothing about him smoking heroin and had to find out this out when the raided his moms home, He had nowhere to go and my mom took him into her home and met him while he kicked cold turkey off heroin wow what a great way to meet her future son in law.I stood by his side and here we are 14yrs later during these years of being together we have grown up together and now have everything we always dreamed of a beautiful family a home jobs and of that good stuff. For the first time in my life i felt like i was doing something right and that we have the perfect life together until a month ago my whole life has been shattered into a million peices. He is such a hard work and offered his younger brother a job with him and since than im living with a complete stranger. Obviously he is back to smoking heroin and he has ruined everything we have worked so hard for. Im the type of person who knows when something isnt right so of course One day i went through his phone to find out hes meeting random people for drugs hes hiding money from me oh boy i could go. I confronted him about it and all he could say is Im an idiot i need help. I of course being the person i am i explained im here for him ill stick by his side as long as he’s done with that lifestyle and of course he assured me he wouldn’t do anything to ruin our family and here we are again i started noticing him nodding off on the couch raspy voice pinpoint pupils and he continued to assure me im the crazy one and hes not doing anything wrong! I decided to go buy a drug test after finding burnt foil in his jacket pocket and told him take the test or be a man and tell me the truth of course he grabbed test and here we are 10days later and test is still in wrapper. He puts on such a good show and cries to me telling me me and his daughter is all he gots and that he will do whatever it takes to make sure our familisnt destroyed and of course I love this man and believe it and as were going to bed and hes outside smoking i check phone and of course hes still in contact with his drug dealer so I confronted him and told him i want him out of this house cause i refuse to have an addict under the same roof as our daughter and his excuse is that his heroin addict brother owes the guy money so thats why he called the guy to tell him he didn’t know anything about it. The next day goes on i get home from work and hes sitting on our couch crying that hes sorty and cant continue to this way and to help him and of course i listen for the sake of our family and explain to him that this his last shot to prove to me he wants to be here and explained to him if he continues to do heroin or is in anyway associated with it were done and of course he tells me what i want to hear. As hes in the shower Im asking myself is this pain and suffering even worth it anymore and asking myself how i could continue living a lie when i know deep inside he will always choose heroin over us. My daughter is my world and Shes at a young age and doesn’t have a clue whats going on but I have to protect her from this hell Im living in as Im looking at her I continue to ask myself what should i do should i end it for her sake before things get worse or should i give him a chance? As he gets out of shower i asked him to hand me over his work clothes to prove he has nothing to hide from me and immediately he gets defensive and grabs his wallet and opens it up saying nothing is in here and that im crazy. I continue to grab at his wallet because i know he still has heroin hidden away if he didn’t he would’ve handed it right over but he didnt instead he called me ever name in the book saying I ruined our family cause im physco. This all just happened last night i asked him to leave and of course he didnt so the minute he walked out of door this morning i texted him asking if he could just pack his stuff and leave I explained i dont want to be with him anymore after several messages of arguing back and forth he says once again he loves me and can’t lose us really. Im heartbroken im miserable i f ont know what to do at this point all i want is to give my daughter what i didn’t have growing up a family and its impossible to do so because of his sickness. I continue blaming myself and i need a some guidance im in love with an addict!!

Mike
11:20 am May 1st, 2015

is this still open?

Edward
12:47 am May 2nd, 2015

Just to give you an update on my son returning from 6 months of treatment in Florida. He has been home about 6 weeks now and we are getting along like old times. As you told me i should get to why he used drugs. I did that yesterday and let him talk without interruption. I now have an inside into why. I really do appreciate the help you have given me and so many others. God Bless you

Amanda Andruzzi
1:34 pm May 4th, 2015

Vanessa,
Thank you for sharing. You are in the right place. As I read your story I get the chills as it is so similar to mine it is almost scary! I have been where you are, met my ex-husband and in recovery addict at 19, we had one daughter and I endured 12 years of ups and downs until things got out of control and the addiction took over completely. You can live with this back and forth for a very long time but the lies won’t end until YOU end them.
I want to sit here and give you all of this information to help and tell you what to do but I have learned a few things about the loved ones of addicts (from being one); we won’t leave until we are ready regardless of what people say, the addict can easily manipulate us to feel crazy so they deflect their own addict, we tend to go back and forth trying desperately to believe there is hope but knowing deep down there is not. Every now and again I insist that a person read my book and this is one of those situations. I know it will help you, 1) feel understood 2) be able to look at this from an outsider’s perspective 3)give you some clarity on the situation 4) have some hope that there is life after this! Please keep reading the articles here but also pick up Hope Street if you can. I know this memoir will help you, I wrote it to help others because I felt so alone while I was going through this. Please keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:39 pm May 4th, 2015

Edward,
Thank you so much for updating me. Keep it up, keep him opening up to you and being real and honest. This is so helpful in recovery. If he figures out what his triggers are and deals with any pain he is trying to cover up, this will give him such a great shot.
God bless you and your son. You will both be in my thoughts. I am here to help anytime.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:40 pm May 4th, 2015

Mike,
How can I help you? This post is still open, yes.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Ursula
11:05 pm May 4th, 2015

Hi Amanda

i am following your blog quite a while, but i have not read your book yet. But there are some really helpful tips and advices in this blog.

I have been living with my partner since almost 10 years. He is addicted to crack cocaine. He never was more than 9 month away from that stuff, since i know him. He goes over and over through the same circels. And i end up picking him when he is in bits and peaces again.
In the last 2 years it gets even wors. He can not keep a job very long. When he has a job, he is doing very well. Than after a while when starts to complain about everything again and starts moarning about everything and starts to be irritated about every little thing, than i am very concerned and worried it is the sign of starting to relapse again. And than here we go, view weeks later, the same again. First it starts, to stay the whole night away not answering phonecalls or messages. Than it repeats a week lator. Than it goes further not turning up at work for 1 or 2 days. Than it end up not turning up at all at work, not returning or answering phonecalls from work or family and freands. The worst thing is , that belongings are going now aswell, like furniture, electrical goods like TV, Computer, Laptop, all electrical goods.

We had arrangement that all the wages goes to my account to keep it safe. But once he is in that phase, he is just on a mission and pesterises me to get more moeny and more money out of the bank because its HIS money. He continues like that until nothing is left anymore. Now the car is gone too. He needed to give it to this dealers, because he had no money anymore to pay his drug depths. He gives his driving licence, passport to this dealers just to get credit for Drugs, because he tells them he will pay them back tomorow or what ever. He just constantly lying.

So many times i think about to leave, look for an apartment for my own and take the Dog. His kids are all with theiren Mum, and he even did not turn up, at that planned family meeting shortly ago.
He comes in, middle in the night knocks at the door, because i toulk all keys away from him, than i open the door and let him in again. I feel so powerless to keep my boundaries. Than when i see him i feel so sorry for him. When i go to work, he askes me than, to lock him in, that he can not escape, to get more drugs. But than when i come home, he is gone, out of the Window.

Of corse i am an codependent and obsessive constantly worried and concerned about him. But i am so tired and exhausted. I am tired emotionally, physically, and spirutally. When i want to meet freands for example after work, i am constantly worried about him, is he using or is he stay at home. This is not healthy for me and i need advice. I have never been to an Alanon Meeting for family members, do you think it might help me too?

I apreceate your comment and help

Amanda Andruzzi
3:37 pm May 6th, 2015

Ursula,
I recall a post from you a while ago. Thanks for coming back and I am glad the articles help.
This is always a tough situation and I really hesitate to give advice for you to leave until you are really ready. That is the key, you have to want to move on, really commit to it. If you do it half-hearted as you have in the past, you will be back to where you are right now. Your life has become a series of emotions that are ruled by an addict. Once you decide that the roller coaster you are on emotionally needs to end, I can help you get off.
The articles you read here, I recommend reading all of them (click on my name Amanda Andruzzi at the top by my picture and they will all come up) more than once. Take the steps I recommend and incorporate them into your life, one by one. Do one and don’t move on to the next until you have mastered that one. For example, separate your finances from his, then separate your cell phone plan from his, if he cannot afford a phone on his own, that is his problem. Then stop checking up on him and so on. It may take time but eventually you will find such peace in not having to worry and check up on him. He has shown you he will not stop using drugs right? then you need to show him you will not put up with this anymore. You will start regaining self-confidence and that is the most important part. When you leave him you will be in a good place. I would recommend getting my book, only because I wrote it to help others and I believe the book really helps people go through the emotions, work through feelings and understand they are not alone and that there is a way out. But either way, the KEY is you have to commit to leaving 100%, sometimes we make mistakes and backslide and that is okay, but the road ahead has to have one goal, to move on and let go. I hope this helps, keep me posted.
you are welcome to post on my blog, you will get a quick response there, http://www.howtoletgoofanaddict.wordpress.(com). I am here to help in any way I can!
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

samantha
4:22 am May 9th, 2015

I stumbled upon this blog after wanting to hear other peoples’ stories about their experience with a partner with drug addiction. i guess i just needed someone to talk to, i am depressed.
I just left my boyfriend of 3 years yesterday because of his relapse.
when i first met him, he told me about his past with addiction and told me he was never going back to that lifestyle.. he was 2 years sober at the time. as i was young, and naïve, (and wasn’t fully aware of everything that came with drug addiction) i believed him and thought people could change.
so, i got into a relationship with him and about last year, (2 years into our relationship) he relapsed. i found out he was using heroin and meth, smoking it, and shooting up on and off. probably on a daily basis.
to sum it up short, it was a year of hell. constant lies, told me he was going to stop every time i found out he was using again. and stupidly, i would believe him, every time. i always thought “this” was the time he was really stopping, after he would break down and beg me to stay and tell me he was stopping. i guess i also could not find the courage to leave.
after about a year of that, he went to a rehab facility for about a month, came back and everything seemed great. we were building up our relationship again, going out to places for once, we even moved in together. then after about a month, he “slipped” for a few days and he again, begged me, bawling. i stayed again. my mistake. he stopped using for maybe a month.
just about a week ago, i started noticing he had been really distant. then he started telling me that i “don’t let him hang out with his friends” when i had NEVER stopped him from going anywhere with his friends, ever. guys need guy time, i GET that.
but just recently, he started blaming me for being the reason he doesn’t hang out with his friends much. Also told me that we spend too much time together (what does he expect, we LIVE together) although i totally understand that everybody, even people who live together, needs their “me” time. so we got into a pretty big argument about that, and i told him i was going home to my moms for a few days so we can have our space.
2 days later, he calls me at 6 AM asking if i was at the door the night before because he saw a girl in shorts at the front door. he also told me his neighbors were trying to break in from the balcony and that they were harassing them. i knew right and there that he relapsed. my heart sank. this had happened before he went to rehab and was hallucinating, saying that his neighbors kept knocking on the doors all night. so i come back home to our apartment about 2 hours after the phone call and the apartment was trashed. neckties, wires ( i assume things he was using to shoot up with) on the floor everywhere. pillows on the floor, clothes everywhere. blackout shades covering the blinds. i looked at him (who did not know i was coming home) and he was so skinny, it’s horrifying how skinny someone can get with only a couple days. he was obviously high off of his mind at that moment (also told me he hasn’t slept in two days), asking me why i decided to “surprise” him, when i LIVED there. then he went off saying every negative thing, like “if you loved me, you wouldn’t leave” “i have a disease, would you leave someone if they had cancer?” “you’re too young. maybe if you were older you’d know what addiction really is ” etc.
then, he became violent with me. never during his drug use had he ever become violent with me.
he ripped my phone out of my hand, and i really thought right then and there he was going to hit me if i held onto my phone any bit longer. so i let go of it, he took my phone, and basically held me hostage saying i couldn’t leave. he made me give him my apartment keys and i got whatever i could, and just left. after that morning, he texted me a few times saying how I’ve ruined his life, and how he feels bad for the next person who i end up with because to him, what i did was not love.
the last time he texted me was yesterday. (have not replied to anything)
today i haven’t heard from him.
im scared that he overdosed, and that ill never see him again.
i love him so much, it hurts.
his mom advised me to not reply to anything, unless he asks for help. and i totally agree with her and have been doing so. but this man has been my everything, i cant stop thinking if he is okay, or dead in our apartment from overdose.
i guess at this point, any advise helps.

brigita
9:46 pm May 10th, 2015

Hi
I have a family member who is an addict and I am always falling in to her trap of black mail threats of suicide and asking me for money I do not want to live my life around an a addicted person but its tough to let go of it when its some one you love but I do want to be strong for my own sanity and health your site is very helpful with the tips of letting go I

Amanda Andruzzi
7:18 pm May 11th, 2015

Samantha,
If you are not a drug addict yourself then loving one is new to you. There is not way to understand their behavior because it is so irrational and unpredictable. You think you might be making up things in your own head. You were smart to start looking for answers and you are in the right place. The only way to help him and you is to let go. The more you stay, the more you will enable him, even though you have his best interests at heart. You can love someone so much but if they are broken, you cannot be the one to fix them. To watch someone fall apart and self-destruct is the hardest thing ever. My story is no different than yours, except that I went to our apartment and found him overdosed and almost dead and I saved his life. Saving his life continued our relationship for 12 years, through marriage and a child and in the end, he chose drugs.
I know this is painful but I would recommend reading my memoir, Hope Street. I wrote it to help other woman and men like me because I felt there was nothing out there that could describe what I was going through. I did not want to give up, but I was giving up by staying, I gave up on me, my chances at being happy and the one person that should not have had to have this life, our child. But there is hope and there is a way out, but YOU have to find it, you have to find out why, even though you love this person, when they are so toxic, that you won’t let go. Keep reading my other articles on this site and feel free to contact me directly at my blog; http://www.howtoletgoofanaddict.wordpress.com anytime. Keep staying away, it hurts now but it does get easier, you are not responsible for another person’s choices and you cannot save them from themselves. His mother probably knows the hard way that he turns her help into enabling and it only makes it worse.
Keep me posted, I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
7:26 pm May 11th, 2015

Brigita,
Thank you for posting. If you love an addict, the things you will do for them to help them are usually unlimited. But over time you start to see they are not getting better and they are just using you to enable their addiction. This is not a healthy relationship for you and believe it or not for the addict either. The less people they have as a resource to get high, the quicker they will hit bottom. Each addict is the same in that they will say anything to use and no one is sacred to them, only the drug. To stop this cycle, you have to change your behavior with them. You can love someone and let them go. You are not abandoning them, you are giving them a chance to realize they need to stop on their own. When someone you love is sick, you offer them help, the kind of help you know they need, not the kind they are asking for. You can let them know you love them and you will be there to support them when and only when they want to go into recovery. This is not abandonment, you are not responsible for her actions and so it is not up to you to save them, but by letting go you are saving yourself. Keep reading my other articles here, click on my name in this article and all my articles will come up. Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for families, would be helpful for you. But keep reading and learning more about how to let go. Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Lacy
4:31 pm May 13th, 2015

Hi,

I came accross this blog when i typed into my google “selfish to leave an addict who is in recovery.” I guess my story is somewhat simple, yet complicated. I’ve been in an on again off again relationship with an Addict for 10 years. We met in high school, at the time his addiction was not apparent yet probably because he was still developing it. I knew then that he drank, and probably should’ve know right away that he likely had a problem when our first date was a party where he was extremely drunk. All the same, i was young and naive and figured it was just high school and everyone was partying.
Since those days we got a little older and Ended up pregnant with our first son when i was 18 and he was 20. We both had a our birthdays before he arrived and near the end of the pregnancy was when I started to realize he had a drinking problem. He was drunk everyday after his 21st birthday. It got so bad to the point that I had to ask him to please refrain from drinking during the month i was Due so I wouldn’t have to worry about nurses at the hospital smelling alcohol on his breath. It was around this time that I sought Al-Anon and started to learn that he wasn’t the only one with a problem, I too had a problem.
After Jayson was born, he kicked me out of the house. I honestly don’t remember why. Something along the lines of a power struggle between us. He has always also been a controlling individual. I’m not sure yet if this is in relation to his addiction or not.
we Tried to make things work about 1 1/2 years later again. He wasn’t drinking as often, still smoking marijuana but I told myself he might grow up and be normal. Maybe it was just a phase. We got pregnant with our second son and this time i left willingly when i was 7 months pregnant. I had truly had enough of his drinking, and his poor choices. I was struggling to detach from his problems so i detached from him.
I stayed away from him for 3 years! Around the 3 year mark i started to notice that he wasn’t drinking on the regular anymore. That he was working a good job. and he was actually coming around to help me with the kids all the time. We had made an agreement in court over his visitation and his child support and he was sticking to his word about payment. Still having hope for our family he would constantly always tell me that he still loved me, and he knew he made mistakes in the past but he was always going to hope we had a future.
So I fell for it.
we got back together and i would say the first 6 months were great. i made him agree to go to counseling before we did anything else in the hopes that we might actually work out our problems this time instead of constantly fighting. Knowing i too had a control issue i figured maybe our problems were a mere power struggle and some coping skills and therapy would make a huge difference.
He proposed around 7 months and i said yes. And that was when it started to spiral out of control.
He hadn’t been drinking very often at all. He actually wasn’t smoking much anymore either. He was avoiding my friends, which i found strange. and he was starting to get mad at things, silly things again. He’d be angry about the dishes one day, in a few days wouldn’t care if they ever got done. He’d fly off the handle at my sons soccer game, and later apologize like he just couldn’t control himself. Our therapists started to notice the marked difference in his behavior and tried to get him to seek therapy for BiPolar disorder. He refused and told me he was always going to be this way and i either loved him or i didnt. I finally came to the conclusion that i needed to leave again because it was clear he wasn’t going to seek treatment for whatever was going on.
Finally he told me. He is addicted to prescription painkillers, he wants help, he’s scared and he doesn’t know what to do.
Idk if you can imagine the emotions i have had since this confession but they go a little like this: sympathy, betrayal, anger, distrust, sympathy, betrayal, anger, distrust, frustration, annoyance….repeat.
He is now “staying sober”. he told his entire family, who are mostly addicts themselves. He went and got a psychiatrist and was honest with him. He confessed to his physician who put him on red alert for narcotics. he admitted to me it was easy to take because unlike alcohol and weed i couldn’t smell it. Part of me feels like an idiot. Part of me feel bad for him and wants to be supportive. and a large part of me…the reason i am writing this….wants me to run like hell!!

I know he’s “seeking recovery” he’s attended AA a handful of times, on his own. Says he likes it. We’ve been attending together Celebrate Recovery at our church (another 12 step program that includes small groups for every addiction/hangup)….I feel selfish for wanting to leave him while he might actually be doing the right thing. But im so mad and everytime he tells me he had a good day at work, every time he smiles i wonder if he’s high. Because how can he make it look so easy? Every time he goes to his brothers, or leaves the house or goes to the bank i worry he is using and lying. He lied to everyone including me about this for 3 years. And in the last year i was actively with him he lied. Somehow his doctor was prescribing him 120 750 norcos which was suppose to last him 90 days and would only last him 3 weeks. He would then buy off friends at work, or buddies of his. Somehow he managed to still pay our bills…constantly mad at me for spending any money (probably because he was self conscious of the money he was spending wrongfully)….but i had no idea. I See our bank accounts, i know when our bills are due and i still didn’t know. I’ve given him his freedom because i know the simple matter of truth is if an addict wants to use he will.
I’m trying to have a relationship. I’m trying to stay because i want our family. But I’m just so betrayed and i know i will simply feel like a fool again when the day comes that he relapses and lies. Some part of me is praying for a miracle that i don’t believe can happen. Please help!!

Thank you,
Lacy

Amanda Andruzzi
5:33 pm May 13th, 2015

Lacy,
Thank you for sharing that. I know what you are feeling and going through firsthand. My 12 year relationship and marriage to an addict sounds much like yours. We had a child and that was not enough to make him stop. He used for years without my knowledge and my gut always knew something was wrong and that in the end he would always use again and chose drugs. In spite of my better judgement, I stayed, scared to leave, scared he might get better and someone else would reap the benefits of his recovery and I would miss out on that.
All that worrying for nothing, the drugs usually win and they did in my case. I am not suggesting you give up, but I am suggesting that if you feel that a line has been crossed and you want a happy life, that you look at the possibility of moving on.
Your issues of control are only going to be aroused around a person like this and I truly believe to help yourself, you need to be in recovery, away from the source of your issues, your husband. None of this is easy and I know the ups and downs, the highs and lows, but I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are men out there who are better suited for the life you want and the relationship you deserve. You have to put aside the fear because the fears you have of leaving are nothing compared to what you fear and feel on a daily basis. If he was in recovery, then he would be in a detox and a recovery program, followed by daily meetings, and not because you ask, but because he wants to go. I have seen many addicts and I know the difference now from those who are in recovery for someone else and those who are in recovery for themselves and for real. You have to decide what is best for you and your children. If this life does not make you happy then you need to make a change, maybe by getting help for you it will be easier to let go. You should never feel guilty from walking away from a situation that is toxic for you, regardless if the person is trying. You have given your all, you have been truthful, loving and supportive and you deserve the same.
Please pick up my book, Hope Street, it is my memoir of my story but it is similar to yours and many others. I wrote it as a journal, initially to help me and then realized that it could help many other woman and partners of addicts. I would keep searching for answers, keep reading my other articles here (click on amanda andruzzi in blue and all my other articles will come up) and you will find more resources and tips for moving on and getting help for you. there is nothing wrong with how you feel, remember that. You have been put through enough and now you are worrying about you and your children and that is okay. Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Christine
5:48 pm May 13th, 2015

Good Morning Amanda,
I wrote to you at the end of April and could use another piece of advice (or two).
Regrettably; I am back at square one with my ex. We are not back together but we are back to doing the same song and dance. I had taken your advice and managed to ignore him for just over a week (small victories right?!) then something happened and he was able to get in touch with me and cue the cycle. He doesn’t ask for me back, but he does little things to pull me in, calls me babe, hunny, is defensive if he thinks I’m talking to another man and is very affectionate with me but when we argue is quick to tell me that he feels pressure to get back together (I have never even mentioned it; if anything HE is misleading) and makes me feel pathetic as if he’s the one that doesn’t want me or denying me. He is a mean man, selfish and very hurtful in things he says and does; he’s misleading … gets angry at the idea of me talking with another man, but doesn’t want me himself (I don’t want him back regardless) but I’m having the hardest time pulling away from this situation. I want him to miss me and regret losing such an amazing woman (because I know that I am) but he makes me feel as though I’m easily replaceable. And in all honesty; the though of him with another woman is devastating. I keep thinking that he finds a woman that he will completely change for, drop the drinking, drop the drugs; and I think why doesn’t he want to be better for me?! Why do I even care how he sees or remembers me?! I know the kind of woman I am why do I need his reassurance?! Why is it so hard for me to completely cut him out?! I know I want better but I keep myself in the rollercoaster BS that comes along with him being in my life. I know I should never let a man treat me or talk to me the way he has and yet I allow him to and I keep going back for more.
What do I do to start working on myself and my thought process because obviously that’s the problem…I shouldn’t care what he’s doing, who he’s doing, how he’s doing…I should move on and focus on me but I just can’t; when I’m with him I SEE he’s still very deep in his addiction but I talk myself into thinking otherwise (WHY?!). I’m lonely and miserable without him but I’m the same when I’m with him …. what do I do!? Psychologist? Therapist? Relocate?! (drastic yes; but it’s crossed my mind) … Where the hell do I start and how do I fix my thought process!? I feel like I’m just going in circles and I’m miserable; Urgh.

heather
8:48 pm May 13th, 2015

Finding it hard moving on from my chronic drug user boyfriend help!!!!

Ursula
11:15 pm May 13th, 2015

Hi Amanda

Thank you for reading my text and for your encouraging advice. It is really good to know, that someone is really reading it and knows what i am going through. I will defenetly go to your blog and your book. I will keep you posted.

Regards

Amanda Andruzzi
1:53 pm May 14th, 2015

Christine,
Please don’t worry, I have been where you are and there are no judgements here. I have probably expressed to you at some point than when you cannot leave a bad situation that is has more to do with you than him. This is about YOU and your issues. That is what you need to find out. Why is it so hard for you to leave a person who from your own words you describe “makes me feel pathetic as if he’s the one that doesn’t want me or denying me. He is a mean man, selfish and very hurtful in things he says and does; he’s misleading … gets angry at the idea of me talking with another man, but doesn’t want me himself.”
This is not a person you deserve but you cannot get yourself unstuck. What does this mean? This means you might need to heal, get some help and do some of your own work to understand why this situation is so addictive to you! If you haven’t read my book, Hope Street, I would recommend at this point doing so. You will see that regardless of how toxic my relationship was with my addict, I could not leave. I felt pathetic, scared, lonely, and feared someone else would get him and he would get clean for them. This had more to do with my past issues and my lack of self-confidence and my fears of abandonment and little to do with feeling love for my ex-husband. I couldn’t be in a normal relationship because I had never known one or had one myself. My experience with relationships from childhood were volatile so this was normal to me. Your issues are what you have to get down to. I would read Hope Street and definitely get a therapist who specializes in addiction and co-addiction (codependency). I would find a local support group and I would continue to let him go and work on you. You will see, in my book, how I did this despite the fear and the pain. I wrote it to help other woman see both sides, the sick side of me that could not leave an addict and the part that started to heal, so they could see a road ahead of them and find hope.
Please keep stepping forward, despite the step back, in the end you will get where you want to be. Stay committed to you, to happiness.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:56 pm May 14th, 2015

Ursula,
I am here to help, my experience was for nothing if I can’t help other people through this. I literally wrote my book as a journal to help me and then because I had no other resources to find help that resonated with me, I decided to publish those feelings to help other people feel understood and show them there is hope and a way out. I am always here, so if you need me just write.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
2:13 pm May 14th, 2015

Heather,
I am here to help. What do you need? If you need more resources, I have a lot here.
Please click on my name, Amanda Andruzzi, at the top near my picture and all of my other articles will come up. They will help you. I also wrote Hope Street, it is my memoir of loving an addict during the last year of our relationship when things were out of control. The key is to figuring out why, after the relationship becomes toxic, we cannot leave. We can love someone and still walk away when we know another person’s demons are negatively affecting our lives. It is okay to let go, but if you can’t that is a journey you will have to take. I know it took me 12 years to find my way, marriage and a child. I write so that hopefully others will find their way sooner and with some direction will be able to let go and heal. Let me know how else I can help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict.

Lost
2:19 pm May 14th, 2015

Hi
I am so glad I have come across this blog as it is amazing to see how many people are in similar situations.My situation has not changed much in the 5 mths since I broke up with my addict boyfriend of 16 years.At the moment I’m focusing on myself and our two kids as my eldest is finding the break up very hard to deal with and isn’t coping very well.i find myself trying to go to sleep at night and my ex is the last thing on my mind and the first when I wake up.he is still seeing the girl that he had hooked up with in recovery and is still lying about the fact that he is in arelatsionship with her.its killing me.hes graduating from his day service in a cuple of wks and I’m so angry that it’s not me and kids there with him as that is all I’ve ever wanted for him and us.for him to be drug free and for our lives to return to some normality.instead this girl will be with him.i know I

Lost
2:46 pm May 14th, 2015

I know I need to forget about him but it’s so difficult as I still love him and have to see him all the time because of the kids.i never imagined my future without him in it and still can’t even though he has treated my so badly and disrespectfull. No matter how bad things got here with hin in regards to the drugs and the lying I never once gave up on him or the fact that he could get clean.now he’s clean he’s with someone else.so much has happened the last cuple of years.my dad died l had a baby a few wks later and then my ex tried to kill himself because he couldn’t get off the gear and that’s when I found out how far he’d fallen into drug addiction.I’m lost.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:32 pm May 14th, 2015

Lost,
you for sharing again. No one said this is easy and so I understand why you are finding this so difficult. I would not have this site, my articles or an entire book about this subject if it were easy to pick up and move on. It is work and having kids with him and having to see him does make it really hard. However, can you look at the fact that maybe what he did to you shows you that you should not be together, that he crossed a line and even if you could have him back, you should not want him back. this is about you, this is about wanting something and needing someone to fulfill something in you that you have to fulfill yourself. If you are happy in your new life, then you will find someone else, someone who wouldn’t dare do the things he has done to you. It is hard to picture your life without him, but I promise you, there is a way to truly move on and it has to start with you. You have to take him out of the equation and start focusing on you, the things YOU love, the things YOU want out of life and the goals YOU have. Over time, when you are busy working on your life, being with him, wanting him, will become a faded memory. YOu will then be able to allow a good man, a healthy relationship into your life. You will be happy and that will rub off onto your children. I have been through it, so I wouldn’t tell you it is possible unless it was. But I won’t tell you that you do not have to work at it, you do. Keep reading my articles, keep doing the work and your heart will catch up with your mind. Hope Street, my memoir, might also help you. It shows you my struggle and how I was eventually able to move on, which I NEVER thought was possible. It is a journey and a process, but you have to take your ex out of road, so you can be on your way.
Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Dominique
3:58 pm May 14th, 2015

I’m in love with an addict. We we’re together 5 years and had 3 kids before he started using heroin. But he’s always been an addict to something zanex cocain alcohol but I helped him through all that but this, this is quite different. His addiction consumes me and our kids he steals from us and everyone he cares about and I don’t think I’m strong enough to support him this time. I’m terrified of leaving because I’m scared he will try to od, he has threatened me with this many times. But I can’t let this control my life or my children’s I’m lost and I feel like our relationship is unhealthy for his addiction. Its killing me inside!

Amanda Andruzzi
4:26 pm May 14th, 2015

Dominique,
You are not alone. Go up from your post and look the other 30 articles I have written and you will find many other woman and some men who are going through the same thing. You are lost, stuck and fear leaving and fear not leaving. It is not your responsibility to save someone’s life. You are the only responsible parent to 3 children and they come first. You cannot be a good parent or be happy when your partner’s addiction is destroying all of your lives. You have loved and supported him and I am sure done everything you can to help him, only to have him fall deeper into more dark addictions. You are done, you have to be done trying to save him and try to save yourself. If you can, I highly recommend reading my book, Hope Street. I am not trying to sell a book, I wrote it to help you and others like you because I have been through it. I started writing and journaling about my experience with my drug addict husband because I felt like I had no hope and I could not find any resources out there that were helping me, and then I realized that as I started to get better and write about it, it could help others. I wanted to show others both sides of this, the person who was addicted to her addict husband and was hopeless and the person I was able to turn into, a strong, independent, single mother. But I was happy, I found happiness and peace that I never had living with an addict. If your partner gets better or not, that is not your worry or focus. Your life can no longer be dictated by his condition, you have to create a safe, happy, peaceful and loving environment for your own health and especially for your children. They deserve that and so do you. You have to believe that.
Don’t let this kill you inside anymore, take that pain and channel it into something good. Take the steps (i have many articles here that provide help) one-by-one to get the help and healing you need to move on from him. I did this at first for my daughter, whom my book is dedicated too, but through her, I was able to get myself back too. It was the best decision I ever made.
Keep me posted, I am here to help!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

ronnie
5:31 pm May 14th, 2015

My husband is an addict. About four months ago he was discharged from a rehab center, it was only 18 days he was there. He did well when he first came home. About two months ago I found put he had relasped. He got suboxen s and tried to do tapper at home. He seemed good for few weeks, according to him. I confronted him last night because money was missing again. He denied denied denied he was doing anything. I then asked him if he would take a drug test for me. He refused so I have my answer. He is using again. I left and went over family members house. He texted me saying he did mess up again and he was sorry. He feels like scumbag, loser and many other names he was calling himself. I didn’t answer him. I did go home and just didn’t speak to him unless it was something relating to kids. (Have a 6 ur and 18 ur) living with me.my 18 ur old has struggled with k2, but has recently got his act together and is doing fantastic. Now my husband is asking for money so he can get suboxens so he can trapper himself off again. I m not sure if this is answer. He does not do iop (intensive out patient), won’t do rehab after work, doesn’t follow thru on anything really. I told him I wasnt giving him any money and for him to go through being sick. He says he can’t work if he is sick . I don’t know what to do. I don’t think him just taking suboxens alone and not doing any therspy is the answer. Any input would be great.

cv
5:51 pm May 14th, 2015

I have been with my husband for ten years and married for two. I am only twenty six. We have a three year old daughter together who loves him to death. Every single year around this time he starts to use again and has been to treatment two times. His family is doing nothing but enabling his behavior. My biggest fear with leaving is that by leaving I am getting out of the relationship but for my daughter he will always be her dad and I feel like I am abandoning her in the environment in some way. Like she has to be stuck still seeing him and his family but alone and without me she is the one that is going to suffer when I knew from the time we met that he was a drug addict. I have constant anxiety about her ever being alone with him . He has never had her overnight and has never actually watched her alone for more then a couple hours. There is no guarantee that it won’t happen once we are divorced. She is all I have left in the world and I can’t stand the thought of him ruining her life like he has his own and mine. He blames me for using and tells all of our mutual friends that he does not have a problem anymore and that I am just a psycho and won’t let him do what he wants. I do not want to keep going on like this but at the same time what if he cleans up someday and after the years that I have put in helping him somebody else gets to be with him. I pray everyday that God opens his heart or clears my mind and helps me to move on and quit being so afraid but after being with him for this long it feels impossible.

holly
9:48 pm May 14th, 2015

I posted previously about being married to an addict was married 6 months he went to prison got out not even two years and he is back in prison Adding two more DUI’s and failing a drug test at the Probation Office I divorced him after the first DUI but I’m now speaking to him by phone while he’s in prison acting as if we are still together this is a lot on me I get heck from everyone about this saying he is going to drag me down along with him. he says he wants to change we have a child together his first child I’m just having a hard time dealing with this not sure if I’m doing the right thing.. we will get to go see him soon over 3 hours away. I’m just not sure about anything regarding him anymore I don’t speak to any of his family they are nothing but enablers. I’m not sure if I’m even helping him by acting like we’re still together in a sense but there is something in my gut telling me I’m not doing the right thing but then again I’m still in love with him I’m just not sure how to deal with all of this any advice is appreciated..

Amanda Andruzzi
12:59 pm May 15th, 2015

Ronnie,
Those feelings you have that something is not right are always your answer. You know when something is real and when it isn’t. If you know that giving him money is not the answer, then I suggest 100% you stick to that. Addicts will tell us what we want to hear over and over again when they are caught, meanwhile, you probably knew the whole time but you second guessed yourself because he tried to convince you otherwise.
I lived with an addict for 12 years and we had one child, my book Hope Street, is my memoir of that last year, when things completely fell apart, when I fell apart. Over those 12 years, we did this “dance” over and over again. He promised to change, he said he was clean and what I learned was that he never was, even when I actually thought he might be. You can no longer help him, because your helping is enabling him at this point. An addict should be in recovery EVERY DAY, going to meetings, living the life of a clean person, and you will know the difference. Many addicts come home and then flip flop, say they don’t need meetings, say they can do things on their own, but it almost never works.
Ronnie, you need to take care of you and your children and leave him to his addiction. If he has no money and cannot work, that is his fault and he needs to be responsible for his actions, no you. It took me 12 years to learn that and to learn that I am responsible for my actions and for my happiness. If I was unhappy with my situation, with my spouse, then I had to change that.
Please read more of my articles here, they are free, just click on my name at the top and they will all come up. They will help you realize a lot of things that are happening and help you feel sane about this situation, give you great tips to move on and help you sort through your feelings. Keep me posted.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:13 pm May 15th, 2015

CV,
Thank you for sharing your story. Your feelings are completely normal. I have about 30 other articles here and posts from people just like you that have the same feelings about leaving and the same fears. I had these fears for 12 years with my ex-husband, we had one daughter. I feared he would abandon her and he would use in front of her. A court would not allow an addict to have unsupervised visits, even with her dad. They do testing and hair samples that go back a year. Don’t worry about that. But in my case, leaving my ex was all that he needed to go deeper into his addiction and we stopped hearing from him anyway. This is not a good situation, you are not insane, you know he is an addict but he has to tell people you are crazy to justify his addiction. It is a vicious cycle and it is hard to get off of.
I met my husband at 19 and we were together for 12 years. That is what Hope Street, my memoir is about. Sometimes I highly recommend people to read it and this is one of those times. I know it will help you. I wrote it initially as a journal and later published it. It is every feeling you are feeling and every nightmare you are going through in a book. In the end, it was my daughter, to whom the book is dedicated, who made me change. I left because I did not want her to have to live with addiction anymore. I saw things through her eyes and it made me see that I needed to make a change and stop waiting for him to change. He won’t change. He hasn’t for you or your daughter so far, so you if you don’t do something different, why should he? But I can promise you, regardless of what his future is, if you let him go yours will be great, full of peace and happiness in a sane and safe environment. Keep reading my articles here, there are many more and you will find some helpful advice and steps to move on.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:21 pm May 15th, 2015

Holly,
Go with your gut!! If it doesn’t feel right, it is not right. An addict will say anything to get the person they love and love to manipulate back. I had a child with my addict boyfriend and 12 years later, he is gone but at least I have my daughter. I want to tell you so many things that I KNOW will happen, not just from my experience but from the experience of all of the other woman out there who have been through it. Actions speak louder than words, what have his actions been? why would he change now? Please read my book, Hope Street, I want you to read it to get a glimpse of what your life might be like if you don’t walk away. I wrote the book so I could show people what I went through, firsthand, not just talk about it on this blog. You need to know the truth, but as I say many times in my book, the truth is that feeling in your gut and it is ALWAYS right. I would get some help for you Holly, some support to help you realize why you can’t leave. Work on you and breaking free from this situation that must represent something to you that is hard to walk away from. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Ayla
1:00 am May 17th, 2015

I’m 26 years old and I have a 34yr boyfriend we’ve been evicted twice and is now living with my sister. He started using last year I noticed and I’m at the point to where I don’t know what to do! He is blatenly lied about using still and I’m fed up over the lies. On top of it I’m struggling keeping us financial fit staying at my sisters house. There are many days I want him to leave and throw him out then I would feel sorry and tell him to come back. But the stress of being fully responsible financially is taking a toll on me! I wake up mad and hating the life and person I am bcus I’m not understanding what did I do to cause this and how to fix it. I don’t know what I’m doing and don’t have the slightest clue how to fix it. I love him with all my heart but not sure how much longer do I let this go on. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone with out feeling ashamed or judged bcus of his decision of lifestyle. Its already hard enough living in a house full off family members that see it day to day and deal with it bcus of me. Someone please help. I walk around acting like everything is ok when its not I’m at my breaking point!

merly
2:50 am May 17th, 2015

I am a 15 year codependent who has put herself 2nd over my partner (he is the functional drug addict). I need to know where I can go and attend meetings with those who or are in my shoes! I feel like I am underneath water and can’t swim up to catch my breath. :( we live in San Francisco

Amanda Andruzzi
1:46 pm May 17th, 2015

Merly,
Thank you for sharing. I am on the east coast but what you can do is start with al-anon. Do an internet search of al-anon San Francisco and you will find a homepage for them and you will be able to connect to local meetings. Al-anon is only one resource, but with an internet search for local support groups at local community facilities I am sure there will be more.
If you realize the issue and you know it is you that needs to change, then I would also suggest finding a skillful therapist with expertise in addiction to help you break from from this situation and help you understand why you would be in this type of relationship in the first place.
Educating yourself on addiction and codependency and co-addiction is also a great start. I have a ton of free resources on this site. Click on Amanda Andruzzi next to my picture and all of my articles will come up. It will help you understand what you are feeling and how to deal with it as well as give you steps on how you can change your situation. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of living with an addict. You will see through the articles, that you can catch your breath and you will be able to move on but it must start in your mind, you must mentally make the commitment that you want things to change and that YOU need to make those changes.
Al-anon, local support groups, a personal therapist and reading more on the subject are my suggestions. Hope this helps.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Jess K
7:25 pm May 17th, 2015

My 26 yr old husband has been addicted to crack cocaine for about 2 1/2 years now. I’ve tried everything, pouring out my heart to him, finding rehabs for him, using the guilt trip…everything! But he’s back to using heavily after being in an inpatient rehab for a month. My father kicked him out of the house because of his relapse and now he’s sleeping on a family members couch & spending every dime he works for on crack. Anyway, I’m 4 months pregnant and every time I go see him I have nothing good to say. It ends up in a big arguement and each of us blaming the other about the addiction. I just need help on what I should do. I really love him and don’t want to just leave. I miss him when I don’t talk to or see him but as soon as I see him I instantly feel anger, hurt, & resentment. I want to still be around him without enabling him or always talking negative to him. Please help

Amanda Andruzzi
1:25 pm May 18th, 2015

Ayla,
You are in the right place. You will not be judged here. We have all been where you are. You have every right to feel like enough is enough and to be at your breaking point. No one should have to live the way you are living. I want to tell you that you can fix or help him but the truth is you cannot. If you have offered your support and let him know you want him to stop using drugs then that is all that you can do. An addict will continue to use and manipulate you as long as you let them. It is up to you to make a change. If you want him to change you cannot change him but you can let him know if he does not that you are leaving him. You can love someone but that love may be healthy. The relationship that love has settled into is one of enabling and disappointment. If you want that to change, you have to set boundaries and if he breaks those boundaries you have to be firm and hold to them. Keep reading the articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi next to my picture and you will find 30 plus articles on how to let go, to educate you on what you are dealing with and to help you work through your feelings. You are not alone and what you are feeling is normal. Do not be ashamed, the only thing to be ashamed of is not asking for help when you need it.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi
1:50 pm May 18th, 2015

Jessica K.
Thank you for sharing. You are in a tough situation and you are in the right place to talk about it. I have been exactly where you are. I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, which is my story and my life living with an addict for 12 years, marriage and a child. Enabling is a big issues with addiction so it was the right thing to do to let him go. As hard as this sounds, the only thing you can do right now is leave him to his addiction. You have already tried everything you could to help and now your help will only be enabling. You have a child on the way and you have to figure out how to take care of that child and you and not him. He will only exhaust you and being a parent myself I can tell you that it is difficult to be a good parent and watch and help an addict. Jessica, you have to focus on you right now. Addiction is selfish, so the fights you are having and what you are dealing with are all part of his addiction. The drug is number one and it consumes his every waking moment, so if you realize that then you will realize that you cannot have a relationship with an addict. It will end up going in circles. Please read the free articles I have here, click on my name next to my pictures and so many resources I have written will come up. Read Hope Street, as it may help you work through your feelings and get a glimpse of your life 12 years down the road if you do not make a change. Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Rebecca
3:37 pm May 18th, 2015

I have a partner of 7 years and have to young daughters with him!! We have a joint tenancy together. I’ve asked him to leave as he is bringing drugs into our and and getting completely intoxicated. He refuses to leave do you know what my rights are as I’m really struggling. He lost his job and we have no money. I’m from the uk.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:34 pm May 18th, 2015

Rebecca,
I understand your struggle. I became a single mother from my ex addicted husband. I do not know the legal avenues you would need to take in the UK, but in the US, I went to family court and served him an order of protection and filed for full custody. I would assume that you might want to do some internet research and contact your local court system to find out what your rights are. You may have to take some time and plan how this will work, with you having to go back to work and find childcare, etc. It is not easy, I have been exactly where you are. I would enlist the support of any friends and family to help you get through this transition but it is very wise for you to leave a person who is using, especially in the home, and more importantly with your children there. Rebecca, I would start setting up a plan, enlist friends and family to help you if you have to move or contact your local police office about removing him from your home, but first figure out how you can make a living and how that will affect your girls (childcare, after school care, etc.) I was lucky enough to have parents who were able to help me with my child after school because with my new job, I didn’t get home until after 7pm. Start thinking and planning how things will work after you leave and yes a responsible parent trying to shield her children from drugs and addiction has rights. In the US, if the family court takes a hair sample (goes back one year), and they find drugs, the remove the husband from the home and send him to a mandated rehab center and then a men’s shelter. You have to contact your local court system to find out what your options are. Even if things are different that does not mean that you cannot extricate yourself from the situation, you just need a plan and some resources.
Keep me posted, I hope this helps.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Elizabeth
1:27 pm May 20th, 2015

Where to begin I’m in a 5 year relationship with my husband. When we first got together I knew he was a recovered pill addict. He helped me raise my daughter he never once treated her like she wasnt his he loves her so much and I love him so much for that. But our first two years together he was on again off again drug addict. I left at least 10 times but always came back. When our daughter turned three I found out I was pregnant and this would be his first biological child. I thought this will save him but nope he still done the the drugs. We lost our truck due to addiction, moved for place to place because the money was always gone. We ended up moving in with his parents and I thought maybe this will help him. But nope he got worse, his father always tried too guide him in the right direction because he too was a recovered addict that was dying from liver cancer. It wasn’t until I was 8 months pregnant that I found out he was using her I on and my world come crashing down, I would follow him to the drug house and threaten him and say I was leaving but never did. He used drugs the day our son was born and that was the final step for me and I flipped he actually went to rehab when our son was 3 days old and he stayed sober for almost three years. Now here we are again he had surgery and they put him on pain meds for a few days now he’s hooked again. I’m at my breaking point I don’t know if I should stay or leave I need help. I just want the sober man I love so much back but I’m afraid I’ve lost him for good.

momof4
6:25 pm May 20th, 2015

Hello… I am 29 years old, and a mother of 4 daughters ages 10,8,4,and 3 months. My 2 oldest are from a previous relationship, and the 2 youngest are ours together. My husband is a crack addict. This all began in 2010, with cocaine. I was oblivious to his drug use since Ive never dealt with it before. He would lie and say he “was sick”. From that point, things are falling apart. Drinking, bars, friends, all come first for him. He has left me places, just to go use drugs, lies about everything, has cheated, leaves for days on binges, spent every penny in his checking account and then some. And now he is at the point of deperation. I recieved a letter in the mail from a local pawn shop that he pawned his wedding ring for a loan. I am at the point of being BEYOND fed up. He will not leave. All I keep hearing is the same old brokem record. “Im done, I promise I’ll do anything, I dont want to loose my family”… And then I let him right back into my heart again. He has done this over and over with no change. I feel dumb!!! I just need strength to let him go. My biggest fear is him falling apart even worse… Or death. I am letting him and his addiction control me. I am tired,of my kids seeing the arguing and having to see him leave for days. I am enabling him…. I cant live this way any longer. Please just pray that I get the strength and that I can handle my home ans daughters on my own. I want to be free of this addiction he has me living in.. I want my sanity back and peace of mind not having to worry about where the money is or what he will do next. I’ve offered help and to stand by his side, and he agrees and then never follows thru. Its all talk… No action. Please just pray for me. i need reassurance that I will be alright!

Amanda Andruzzi
6:41 pm May 20th, 2015

Elizabeth,
Thanks for sharing, you are in the right place. I too, was married to an addict, he was high on our wedding day and during our child’s birth and I didn’t even know. Addiction is selfish but for an addict to be in recovery it has to be something they work on everyday. An addict in true recovery should alert their doctor and make alternate pain management plans. The sober person you love is only part of who he is, he will always be an addict and you have to accept that this may happen again if you want to be with an addict. You cannot change him or fix him, you can only help yourself and create boundaries. You can live with this or move on, the choice has to be yours. This is a painful decision and I understand every feeling you are having. I wrote my book, Hope Street about my life with an addict. I hope you get to read it and the other free articles I have here to help you understand what is going on and work through your feelings. Click on my name near my picture and they will all come up. Read “Zero Tolerance for Addiction:Help for Families”, “8 signs you are a co-addict” and many others. I hope this helps, keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzxi, published author, Gope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View video trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg&feature=youtu.be

Amanda Andruzzi
3:19 pm May 21st, 2015

Momof4,

Thank you for sharing with us. You are heard and understood here. I know the pain and sadness is overwhelming. My book, Hope Street, is my journal of living with my addicted husband through marriage and a child. I have felt every emotion, every hopeless thought you feel and I am a survivor. I wrote my memoir to show others there is Hope. There is a way out. If you want a beautiful life, you can make it happen, but after 12 years I learned the hard way, I had to make the changes, not wait for him to. You can make a plan, detach with love and find the strength through your children to get up and do what needs to be done. There is life after this, I am living proof. Keep reading about co-addiction, I have a wealth of free articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi and 30 plus articles will appear. There is strength in knowledge and when you know you are not alone you can get the support you need. I enlisted friends, family, strangers and anyone who could help, bring positivity into my life and help get me out and through. Hope Street was written for you and anyone who needs to feel understood and is seeking hope. Keeps me posted, I am here to help you. My thoughts are with you and your children.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View video trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg&feature=youtu.be

Broken hearted
8:32 pm May 26th, 2015

Amanda,
I have read all of these posts, and I am so glad that I have. I met my boyfriend a year ago and he was so nice and charming and handsome. he had just come through a rough time from jail, and was supporting himself by working at a job and paying to stay at a hotel daily.
I was mesmerized by this man and the sex was awesome. We move in together, and the first day he disapproved. I did know that he drank every day a beer or two after work, so I thought now that he didn’t have to pay for the room every day and he had extra money that he wanted to start hanging out with friends.before we moved I did notice little things about him but I ignored them because he wants to work and he paid the rent at the hotel. but when I got the apartment I paid the deposit and the first months rent and all the bills to get things turned on. he never gave me a dime. He started coming and going as he pleased, for a while he was working two jobs and barely getting sleep but the money never came home. I started getting angry because I thought it was a woman, I found out finally that he was a crack addict. my life completely fell apart. for a year he never gave me money for rent, he lied, found out he was saying on Facebook pretending that he had so much when he had nothing, talking to other women on Facebook, he is a 43 year old man mentally he asked us if he’s 19. I finally bought him a bus ticket and send him to his hometown. when he first got there he called and asked for money, I said no. Then he called and have had I moved because I told him I was moving just to get him out. I said I was fine, and then he would call to say he wanted to come back but it seemed that he was high every time those called came. finally a woman called me and said she met him on Facebook she knew him as a kid and he was coming there to be with her. the hurt was so traumatic for me the first week he was gone I felt victorious, but after she called I felt betrayed and hurt to find out he had been speaking to her behind my back and that the plans were to go home anyway. he told me he was going home to clear his head get help work and save money. but it almost online. He was going to be with another woman and I know it was only so she could take care of him. he has called periodically to say he loves me and that he wants to come back. I finally told him to lose my number because I know how it feels to be on the other end of finding out that your man is talking to a woman behind your back. I did not want to put any woman through that pain that he had put me through, he said there was no other woman and that it was all a misunderstanding the lies anyhow his phone call me one night and I heard him walking because he was drunk at 1 in the morning. I called him back and I told him do not call me anymore. he has not. I have to admit that I am hurt because I feel that if he really loved me he would dStates apart so I have no chance of running into we are States apart so I have no chance of running into him. I do not know his number where he’s at I deleted it from my phone to prevent myself from having temptation to call him. And every time he would call I would immediately delete the number so I would not call him in my time of weakness. I know my life is better now that he’s been gone a month yet, I do miss him I’m reading these posts and I realized that it’s so easy to fall in love with an attic because we aren’t healthy. I just wanted to share my story and comment on what I’m going through Oklahoma it has been a month now I haven’t heard from him for a week now and I guess the pain of being rejected by an addict hurts more than being rejected by a healthy person, because I feel a while if an addict who needs me and have nothing can reject me then what am I good for.

April
3:15 am May 27th, 2015

I love my man! Not the addictions. I want to be healthy. I want him healthy but he has to want it. His brothers manipulate him into drinking and they are all he has ever known. The addiction was starting to ruin everything we built. I still love him deeply. I wish he would choose me and our love over drinking. :(

Broken hearted
4:11 am May 28th, 2015

He called today after not hearing from him for a week. Said he left his phone in his cousins car…He was rushing, as usual. Why does he even call to lie. He always has something to do when he calls me…Anyhow, i told him to go handle his business, and hung up…It has been a month today that we have been seperated…thank goodness we are states apart..I love him but…i keep thinking how much drama and pain comes with him…I know this sounds bad but, just knowing he is playing games makes me feel strong because deep down i know i will never take him back, it is like he keeps me in the loop just in case he needs a back up pllan when the woman he is with, which i am more than positive that there is, finally puts him out. Also that shows me his true character, he is always looking for the next woman or scheme….One month down, and before i know it another one will go by…I have decided to not answer his call, regardless of how sporadically they may come…just venting.

Kate
4:42 am May 28th, 2015

Hi,
My partner is an alcoholic he has tried giving up a lot of times and has promised that he will never drink again. Normally he will be full of hope and will stop drinking for 5 days. He does his own detox, he refuses to go to rehab. Then after the first week I will smell alcohol on him again. But he lies to me about it making me feel crazy, he manipulates me. One time I had a drink of his drink bottle and it was clearly Vodka and he said it is just Amino acids. This frustrated me a lot up to the point that I cry and beg for him to tell me the truth but he will just say “no” “no” smile and walk away. When I tell him he needs help, he will just say “So do you”. I want to leave him but I love him. I keep thinking to myself if this pain is worth it. He recently stopped again and was really promising because we has a sit down with his entire family. He sounded ready and inspired. two days ago I can start smelling alcohol again. He is still denying it even when he smells and cannot walk properly and slurs his words. I don’t know what to do anymore…I am so drained from this.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:11 pm May 28th, 2015

Broken Hearted,
Thank you for sharing. You have made the right decision. I would focus on you now and being happy. Keep reading my other articles here, they will help you get through this. Click on Amanda Andruzzi, at the top and they will all come up.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:17 pm May 28th, 2015

Kate,
Thank you for sharing. This is a difficult situation because you do start to feel like you are not seeing what you are seeing, even though you know deep down, that you are right. He is drinking and anytime you think he is, HE IS.
I went through the same thing with my ex-husband and the key is to stop focusing on him. There is hope and I am here to tell you that, which is why I write all of the articles here. I wrote my book, Hope Street, about my time with my addicted husband and it may help you feel understood about the struggle you go through and all the feelings you are having.
I would not give up on you, you have the potential for a great life. Keep reading about addiction and co-addiction here, click on my name and all of my articles will come up. Read “8 signs you are a co-addict”, “Addiction, Get Angry!” and the many others. I hope this helps. Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of a co-addict
http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Rob
9:04 am May 31st, 2015

My name is Rob, i am 40, struggling in a marriage with my wife of 9 years bit met in 1997. Dated short term then, never committed fully to relationship then because was afraid of committing with her because she had a young daughter age 3. I wasn’t ready for all that responsibility and was building a Landscaping business and my focus was on that. I was so incredibly attracted to her though and really liked her. Unfortunately we were involved in a bad car accident from my irrisposible wreckless driving and she was injured, shattered her ankle so badly all doctors that gave their opinion wanted to amputate but her father didn’t except that until finally he found a specialty doctor who was willing to try and save her leg. So he did with all sorts of hardware. Shortly after the accident i ran from the relationship. I couldn’t deal with the guilt and on top of that the young daughter. Over the years i would constantly reach out to her even though she moved on into new relationships. I was so attracted to her still and we had such an incredible sexual attraction we kept meeting. Then i disappeared again and married someone else that I dated from childhood time but honestly had doubts even before I married her but did not have the balls to back out of wedding. So all in a nut shell, marriage lasted 6 months because my wife cheated. We entered into a year separation then divorced. Of course I bumped into my current wife (Kristi) again and started talking on a regular basis. She was unhappy in a relationship with a recovered herion addict. I convinced her to move in with me with her daughter in June 2003. We got pregnant right away and had our 1st daughter June 29th 2004. During pregnancy she caught me exploring singles sights but I never engaged anyone or communicated with anyone nor had a membership, just being stupid in other words. Just before she moved in I had a road trip to Florida with a buddy of mine and when I returned 3 weeks later she moved in a few months later after leaving her x boyfriend STEVE. shortly after she was living with me she learned from some pictures her daughter found I had a fling in Florida. So as you can see I made my wife doubt me and start feeling insecure. Also she started to communicate with x STEVE. Then I learned they were talking and trading pain pills on a regular basis. So crazy it made me I started taping phone calls in the house. So this went on for awhile. Then we tried for 4 years with help of fertility treatment to have another baby. We Finally had another daughter 10/10/08. She was born with very mild learning disabilities. Keep in mind x boyfriend always in the mix. So u can imagine we had some marriage issues. So same shit just kept happening. On 2/10/12 we had a son and he was in NICU intensive care unit for 6 or 8 weeks after birth from addiction to Moms meds. So over next few years until current Kristi progressivly got worse with her addition and started cheating on me with Steve for pills and for what i believe to snort herion too. I had cut all her money off so I believe she was sleepinf with STEVE for her addiction fufulment. I got sick of tracking her etc.. went to Famiky court and got her mandated to program. She detoxed then did out patient programs and I gave her another shot with one condition.NO STEVE. so i did not divorce her. But she keppt it going with Steve on and off. I did have a flirtatious thing with a gorl from a lical coffee shop but nothing sexual. It was basiclly to fill void at home cause wife had rwlationship to medication, drugs and Steve, so i felt neglected. All in all i was wrong in engaging all the wring doings i did. I did have her arrested for harassment charges too in spite of her ongoings with Steve. So her we are again a year later and i went back to family court agian complaining she took me off conscent to check on her at program and my daughter said to me Mommybsaid she was gonna beat the crap out of her. Our daughter has not been wanting to go to school because she knows we may divorce. So we now have court together June 4th on our 9th wedding anniversary. My wife wants to work it out but i am doubtfull. Her aurgument is try marriage counceling one more time which i stopped recently because i learned she was still taking and meeting Steve. So also should mention Steve got arrested with 65 bags of herion 2 months ago so now she is Mrs clean too.because he has been on best behavior to stay out of trouble. Do I give her benifit of doubt one more time because in reality its truly about kids safyey and not my flirtatious mistakes i made. Her nodding out with cigarettes in bathroom was a problem and as a father i need to be concerned for kids saftey. I do believe she is clean now and for possibility the last 5 weeks or so.i have credible evidence against her for coming court date but yet still she drives me crazy but i am worried this vicious cycle will never go away. My business suffers and most of all our children UGHHH HELP THANKS ROB

Amanda Andruzzi
6:31 pm June 1st, 2015

Rob,
There are so many twists to your story and your relationship that it is plausible to say this situation is neither healthy, or happy. With that said, the decision to make this work is entirely yours. If you are done with this, you will know it. I always air on the side of caution though when children are involved. I do not believe just because your wife’s dealer is put away and she is clean that that is why she will remain clean. I do not think it is safe or responsible to leave the children with her until a long term of sobriety and daily recovery care is in her life.
You have made your mistakes and she hers, but both of you have to make a real effort to change not just for the sake of your relationship but for the sake of your children. YOu will know when her attempts at recovery are serious and so I would use your gut to gauge that right now. Is she doing this because of the situation (dealer no longer can supply her) or is she doing this out of a genuine want to be a good wife and mother and have a healthy happy life. You need to know that first, before you can make a decision.
Either way, she needs to be in a daily recovery program (daily meetings, outpatient) and working it. You should both be in therapy separately and together with a substance abuse specialist so you can understand your role as an enabler or co-addict and she can understand what she is going through and so you can both understand one another and help each other parent those children who have probably seen way to much at this point.
I wrote my book, Hope Street, and 30 plus articles here to help people who love an addict. I suggest reading a lot more on the subject so you can make informed decisions. Remember, the welfare of those children should be your main concern. Keep me posted. Hope this has been helpful.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Chloe
4:38 pm June 9th, 2015

Hi Amanda, Ive been trying to help my husband and keep him with me even though I know I should move on. He has been going to a methadone clinic for a couple months and works. But he is coming home every night and trying to do better and I see that but I also know that at any point he will not come home and go on another binge. That uncertainty eats at me everyday and builds up until I get upset at something very small that he does. I blow up at him and he doesn’t have the skills to deal with it and leaves. This is not life, this is not the life I want. I want to have children and I’m not getting any younger but I cant pull myself away from him. What is wrong with me? I’m more addicted to him than he is addicted to drugs and alcohol. How do I make it through this to the other side?

denise
2:49 pm June 10th, 2015

i love my ex addict baby father…he has turned our family upside down. I know i should be happy he has moved on but i am sad without him. We were together for 17 years and it seems like a death. I wasnt willing to deal with his addiction i put him out and wanted to work it out he never came back. He has now moved on to someone that is normally not his type. She seems insecure and willing to put up with a lot of his ways and she has a great job. He literally has a cash cow now and is milking her bad. Me not understanding the addiction never imagined in a million years he would just throw his family away like he did.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:54 pm June 11th, 2015

Chloe and Denise,
The issues you are feeling stem from something a lot deeper. You both really need work on getting back the self confidence and self love you lost while allowing another persons addiction to take over.
You can live a person but when things are toxic and the relationship is not healthy it is good to let it go. You need to save yourself and with an addict that is hard to accomplish. And addict will take everything you have and feel and twist it inside out.

You need to learn that you can change, you can make the changes to have a happy life. If you live an addict you have take a good look in the mirror.

Gayla
3:07 pm June 12th, 2015

I finally left my addict boyfriend of living together for 7 months. I thought I would feel better but I feel so empty..it got so bad with us that I started riding with him and giving him money for his drugs. Or it became a fight. I started to become scared of him when he was coming off drugs. Very aggressive and mean. He was very jealous and he constantly called me a lunatic and a liar. I am so confused why he would do that. Last night was my first night without him..he I’d saying he will change and stop using but it seems like a broken record. Help me

Amanda Andruzzi
3:42 pm June 12th, 2015

Gayla,

This is not a healthy situation and leaving was a smart decision. It is never easy to leave a person you love but the addictiction has taken over now and you have probably already learned the hard way that you cannot fix him or make him get help or force recovery. There is hope, that is why I write here and wrote my book, Hope Street, about my 12 year relationship with an addict. I hope the book helps you like it has helped others. There is light at the end of this and you don’t have to live like this.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer here
http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Denise
6:20 pm June 12th, 2015

Amanda Andruzzi – I know everything you said is true, regardless of what the issue was or is (cheating or drug abuse) the years we were together he was so much apart of my life that it is taking me sooo long to move on. It has been 2 years and I guess one of the reasons it is taking me longer is because I keep listening to the lies. I am really trying, I can’t believe I allowed him to be my WORLD and without him I am lost. I have made up in my mind I am going to consume my time on trying to work on me and live my life and hopefully find someone to share my life with. Thanks

Rob
3:45 am June 13th, 2015

Amanda, I read your response. I am going foward. I initiated the divorce and she will be served soon. My biggest fear is she will get custody. She has a lagitamnet injury therefore an excuss as to how she got addicted to pain pills. I have watch my wife from 2003 start with the percocets, Vics, then moved onto the opiates. She and the x boyfriend traded them like jew jew beeds. Who owed who, blah blah… constent vicious circle. Like I mentioned before. She was meeting him 3 times a day. He recently got busted for 65 bags of herion and now being he is mandated to counseling program and needs to stay iut of trouble for a year all of a sudden she is clean..i always fear if i did leave would it be the time she finally straightened up. My kids have lived through constant fighting, no structure. I come home from working 2 jobs and house a mess, dishes, laundry, etc… super was frozen chicken nuggets all around. I grew up in an amazing home and Thank God for blessing me with amazing parents. It breaks my heart my kids don’t have that. Of course because i took legal action she is Mary Popins all of a sudden to fight for custody. Either way I have been unhappy for years. Wasting all my energy watching every move she made. Gave her no money etc.. so that made me work 2 jobs, do food shopping. Laundry when need be. I just am done. My biggest fear is she will stay clean and keep kids. These kids deserve STRUCTURE. of course i hope she straightens out but I won’t be happy without my kids under same roof :( I already she her meeting up with the x and I didn’t even serve her yet. I dont know anymore. the x is an x herion addict of 2 times for years plus the oxys, roxys etc…. i fear the courts won’t reconize the truth..not to mention how I see her as a bad decision maker. Late to every appointment. U get the picture. I want more for my kids. I pray it all turns in my favor because I understand relapse is a huge possibility. Thanks for your kind words….i will read more to stay focused. I wish I found this blog a long time ago and I wish I got myself therapy a long time ago. Don’t mind all the typos as spelling and typing on this phone sucks as I sleep on the damm sofa and the addict is in my King size bed :((((( Good night

Rob
3:50 am June 13th, 2015

Also just received delivery of your book “Hope Street ” can’t wait to read it

Amanda Andruzzi
12:43 pm June 15th, 2015

Denise,
You only have two choices, to stay stuck and unhappy or to do the work and move on. The work you need to do is not always easy but it gets easier and it will end well. Focusing on you may mean different things for different people. Therapy, activities, exercise, reading, al-anon, are just some of the things that can help you to put the energy back on you. Keep reading the other articles I have here and try reading Hope Street, it is my memoir about loving an addict and letting go. The more you learn about why you won’t let go, what about your makeup or your past has you holding on, the better you will understand why this is so hard. Keep me posted.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View video trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg&feature=youtu.be

Amanda Andruzzi
12:52 pm June 15th, 2015

Rob,
You are in a difficult situation, you want your wife out of your lives but she is also the mother of your child. If she is meeting her ex or current boyfriend I would have serious doubts about how long she stays sober. She has neglected her children for drugs and this should not be taken lightly. If you go to court with her, this will not be overlooked, I promise you. They can take a hair sample that goes back one year of drug abuse. She will have to be tested routinely and it is likely if she is a heroine addict she will not be able to abstain while she is actively using long enough to come up clean.
You need to focus on how you can get your children into a good environment. If that means enlisting family, friends and hiring help, that is what you can look into. I would not trust her or her attempt at sobriety simply because she became clean when her boyfriend could no longer supply her. There are always two sides to a story but I know when someone is using drugs that their story is usually lies. You can bring light to her addiction and it does not matter if it stemmed from an injury, the fact is she is using in front of her children and not one judge will think this is okay.
You need to create a plan, start taking some steps to get things in order for you and your children. Hire an attorney who has experience with this and can approach a judge with this issue. Set up alternate childcare so no one can argue they do not have a proper environment and figure out how it will work if she is not around. This part is the nightmare but once things get worked out, you can start living your life again and things will start to be calm and normal. An addict can stir things up so badly that everyone starts to fall apart. You have a heavy load right now but it will end. Help yourself, help your children and let your wife worry about herself.
Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View video trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg&feature=youtu.be

Gayla
12:16 am June 16th, 2015

My addict has been gone for 3 days. I am reading your book..I spoke to him today and he hasn’t used because money is tight. He has no job and living in hotel with the money I gave him. But money is running out he says he is going to get a job and continue to live at extended hotel and prove to me he can change. I can’t help but feel guilty and blame myself, I have a job, a car and a home. But I don’t do drugs. I do have more money because I am not supporting him I still love him but my mom and people that care about me say they are done with me if I let him back.. I know I can’t just let him back right now but maybe over time if he shows a change. I can’t help but not worry about him and I don’t know how I got myself here in the craziness.

Rob
8:50 pm June 17th, 2015

Amanda,

Thank u for your response. I look for it for strength and guidance. We had court this morning and I am happy with the results, yet I realize its only a small step in my journey. You were correct as to the fact the judge does not take drug or medications lightly. The judge tightened her reins today. I see the light and as each day passes I get stronger. THANK U AND I will keep you updated. I found your page on Facebook as well and sent you a frien request.

Have a Nice Day.

Rob

Mandi
2:22 am June 18th, 2015

I have been on and of with this guy I truly love. Im not sure if his way of being is because of his drug use or hes just an a** I guess if I knew for sure Id be able to make a desicion. I text him today telling him I want to be here for him. I dont expect anything in return but honesty. He still hasn’t responded either in text or verbally. My cousin told me if he loved you he would’ve already responded but I think to myself what if hes mentally unstable right now because of his use or should I go ahead and give up on him? I always put myself in the persons place. Im sure you guys can help me out l. I really appreciate it.
Thanks

Jamie
5:11 am June 19th, 2015

I have been looking and looking trying to find anything I can on how to cope with having a loved one who’s an addict. I don’t know where else to turn. I have a husband who is an addict. He has been too jail, rehab, and most recently prison. He was just released in December from prison with 4 years of parole. It has been almost 7 months and things have just gone right back down hill. Please bare with me with an open mind and leave any rude comments out.. When He went to prison I was 4 months pregnant with our youngest daughter. We also have 2 other children a son from a previous relationship for him and a daughter from my previous relationship. When he was released our daughter was 21 months old. We got back together and I guess you can say I got my hopes up and hoped that prison had changed him and that he meant all that he said when he said he was done and didn’t want to ever go back. Shortly after he was released I became pregnant again. (now pregnant) With what will e our 4th child. I am a young mother with no where else to turn and no where to go.. My family will not help me now that I have made the choice to come back to him again. Things just keep getting worse and worse. He lies about everything. He has become a very active user. He always takes off and most of the time when he comes back he is high. I wake up in the middle of the night and he is gone. He took our car the other night and got pulled over and they ended up impounding the car. He cant keep a job. Hes gotten to where he is stealing things again. I have given him money to pay his parole and he has turned around and used it for drugs the day before my birthday. We weren’t even able to celebrate my birthday because we where broke. Our now 2 year old daughter has become use to having her daddy home and now knows who he is and I almost regret letting him in her life since he’s been out because I know the road he is on is leading him right back to prison and will leave my daughter wondering where her daddy went. My 4 year old has started growing attached to him as well and I know I should have thought about all this before I became pregnant with this child but I cannot change what is already here. The whole time he was away eve when we went our separate ways I drempt of him coming home and us finally having the “family” we always wanted. All his notes became a fairytale that has only turned into a nightmare. I am a mess. I dont want to leave I feel as though I would be giving up on my family but I feel like I am the only one trying to make this work. I know it will hurt my kids more In the long run. I have become so depressed and so stressed out. I don’t know where to turn anymore. Also being almost 7 months pregnant its almost impossible to find work and I have no where else to go besides the place where my husband and I reside now. I work 15 hours a week but they will not give me anymore hours. I have no money to leave even if I wanted to. I don’t know where to turn, What to do. Someone please give me some insight. Give me some hope.

Jabriya
8:09 pm June 22nd, 2015

I know I have to leave my boyfriend. He often leaves me first but, always comes back. His progression of being angry toward me today literally had me scared for my life. He would not look at me when speaking. He can not talk to me without yelling. I always ask him why he is yelling at me. He goes back to normal voice however, not for very long. I dont know him anymore. This person that sometimes cant keep his hands off me and the sex is amazing going into wanting to put his hands around my neck. He never looked up porn, he does now. Lots of different kinds of porn that he would have never before his transition. I keep telling him he is a full blown meth addict but he cant hear me right beside him looking at him on the couch. I would guess 70% of the time he cant hear me and i believe im being nice about that. I tell him Im invisible to him, he cant see me or hear me anymore. WHY? He turned into a disgusting slob that wont clean up after himself, he wont even put the tea jug back in the fridge. He wont pick up his empty plate. Every time he walks into the kitchen he gets a fresh glass out the cupboard. He smokes he never uses the ashtray for ashes only to put the cigarette out. Bingo and Crossword Lottery tickets OMG, in less than 2 weeks he had spent $1836 on these tickets. These were the ones I saved, the ones i knew about, i would guess prob add another $500 to that because he is a sneaky sneaky snake now.. There is never a word of truth EVER. These forums tell my story as if Im telling it over and over again. Im in awe that meth addicts are exactly the same like programmed robots across the planet. The one thing about him I can not put my finger on, i cant figure out, cant find any research on and I can not find it anywhere is “Why every day he accuses me of either saying or thinking he is cheating on me. For 8 years ive been with him i never once thought, accused, mentioned, believed he was cheating on me. Someone please tell me why he says i say that or think that. Im not one to jump to conclusions. I need a logical, realistica,l reasoning behind him always telling people and me that i think hes cheating. im almost believing its because he wants badly to cheat and there is still an inkling of love for me inside of him so he cant do it just yet and wants me to start accusing him so he can go do it.. His words back to me would be “well you were accusing me of it, so fuck it i went and did it”. Does this sound right or do you have enlightenment for me? Thank you

Angie
4:14 am June 26th, 2015

Hi. I love a man who is an alcoholic. He is good man who made bad choices. He is in very bad condition and is talking about killing himself. He refuses to get help. I want to take him to gkk

Amanda Andruzzi
5:46 pm June 26th, 2015

Rob, I am so happy you found a light at the end of the tunnel. Family court is very serious about exposing children to drugs and she cannot hide it. You need to expose her and her hair sample will tell the tale. I am glad you got the book, I really hope it helps you feel better about your situation and that you are not alone. I just got your friend request and confirmed it. Thank you so much for your kind words and I am here to help so keep posting!!

Amanda Andruzzi
5:53 pm June 26th, 2015

Mandi,
Addiction is tough, you sometimes cannot make heads or tales of an addict’s words because their actions contrast what they say. They will say they love you and then disappear and use, they say they will get help and disappear and use. You must understand that DRUGS COME FIRST and take up 100% of the addict’s time and attention. You will come last and if you bring up addiction sometimes the addict will retreat. This is hard to deal with and I know because I lived it for 12 years with my addicted spouse and with our child. I would recommend learning more about what addiction is really like and what co-addiction is. This site, my articles specifically are meant to help you. Click on my name, Amanda andruzzi, at the top and all of my articles will come up as well as links to my book, Hope Street, which is my memoir of being married to an addict. These resources are here to help YOU! Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video BOOK TRAILER: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:01 pm June 26th, 2015

Jamie,
There is definitely hope and help for you. I was a mother who depended on her husband for financial support when he left me in nothing be debt. I have been where you are and I can tell you there is support and the recovery you need is for you. You need to start heading down a different road and doing the things you need to do to help you and your children. Hope Street, is my memoir of my 12 years married to an addict, my feelings, the sadness, destruction, hopelessness and insanity involved with loving and addict are in this book. I wrote it to help others dealing with addiction feel understood and to give them hope. Please also read the other articles I have in this site, click on my name Amanda Andruzzi, and all of the resources to get you started are right here.
Keep me posted and try to focus on that baby and delivering a healthy baby. You don’t need to make any sudden moves right now but you can start planning things for a later date and living your own life again. You can restore sanity and that is what Hope Street and this site is about.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video BOOK TRAILER: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:05 pm June 26th, 2015

Jabriya,
You are definitely in a toxic situation that you should get out of. You need to help yourself in this situation and stop worrying about what happens to him. You may love him but this is not right for you and you need to figure out your part in this cycle of addiction; why you can’t leave and what keeps you coming back for more. The addict does his part but you do not have to take it so you have to recognize that you can make changes. Hope Street is my memoir of living with an addict and I hope you pick it up because you will get a glimpse of what life will be like if you don’t leave.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video BOOK TRAILER: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
6:08 pm June 26th, 2015

Angie,
Thank you for posting. You cannot help another person beat their addiction or enter the doors of recovery but if he is going to take his life you can have him admitted to the hospital psychiatric ward because he is a danger to himself. Maybe there he can get some help and enter a treatment center. It is not your responsibility to fix him and it is hard to leave someone you love but you need to start taking care of yourself in this situation if he is not going to make a change.
Please keep reading about addiction and co-addiction, you need to understand what you are dealing with so you can make informed decisions. Keep me posted, I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
view the video BOOK TRAILER: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Paula
7:03 pm June 27th, 2015

We’ve told our son he can’t stay at our house anymore. He comes over and asks for food. Today he came and my husband fed him and then asked to take a shower, since my husband gas no back bone u had to say no. Was I right? Has is he not going to see what he’s missing if we keep giving in why say you can’t live here and let him eat and take a shower? He’s stole from us me mainly he’s mean to me!

angie
6:14 am June 30th, 2015

My ex bf father of 2 of our sons 2 yrs and 3 yrs is a serve meth addict very disrespectful mentally abusive and sometimes physically ..cheated on me has another baby very parinoid thinks I am out to get him but acts crazy saying his goin to kill me and then later saids he loves me and only me .now his mother put him in jail for terrorist threats and having a knife ..he called me and said he loves me and that now hes goin to be clean and sober for good and put money on his books and have his mom drop charges for me to come see him …is he just saying this so he can get out and start using I love him very much but I cant livr that nitemare again he went to a rehab place for 30 days got kicked out 1 week early trying to talk to another addict female …how to let go ?

Amanda Andruzzi
2:21 pm July 1st, 2015

Gayla,
Keep reading the book. You need to start reading the other posts here as well as the articles to understand what your boyfriend is doing is nothing new. Addicts don’t stop, they lie, manipulate and use behind your back and you end up supporting them when in the end you are hurting yourself. You need to understand the cycle of addiction and co-addiction so you can break it. Please keep doing the work and don’t worry about the people around you, they simply love you and know he is not going to change and want to save you the pain. Listen to them but do what you need to do to get closure and to help yourself move on from this. Hope Street will help you connect with your feelings and give you hope. Don’t give up on you and do not give in to him.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:30 pm July 1st, 2015

Paula,
You are doing the right thing but it is different for everyone. Not everyone can cope and do what is the best thing because they truly have guilt. Enabling is so easy to do and even a meal and a shower is creating an environment of we will be here even if you are using drugs. Have you tried an intervention? I am sure at this point you have tried everything but there are a few more things you can try. Let your son know that you love him more than anything in the world and you will not sit by and watch him destroy his life. You will be there for him to help support him in recovery only and when he is ready for that, you will be there. If, as a family, you can get together and see where this may have started and why, that would be helpful, when he is ready to recover, but yes, you should set boundaries and stick to them. When he is down and out, maybe then, he will realize that this life is no longer manageable. By sticking to those boundaries, you may be helping him. It is a chance you take and it is a scary one, but in the experience I have with addiction, forcing recovery and enabling do not help the addict get sober. I hope this helps. My thoughts are with you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

fiorella
4:16 am July 4th, 2015

This is the first time I’ve posted anything. I’m sitting alone in a dark room crying and reading through these posts hoping to find something that will help me stop crying. I left my alcoholic husband after 8 years. He fell out of recovery again — and again — and again. And I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just looked at him wasted on the porch behaving erradicly and I was overwhelmed with the feeling of “this is the rest of my life”. And I had come back to him last year saying I couldn’t stay with him if he started drinking again. Thing is — he’s so amazing when he’s sober and I found a love with him that was so incredibly healing. And I really like him – just love being with him. But not when he gets drunk. And it’s been like whiplash – everytime I started to relax, there he went … drinking. So I just knew that I had set boundaries and had to follow through. Now I’m regretting it – my crazy mind is saying go back and figure out another way to make this work. I love him so much and I can barely breathe thinking about life without him, not hearing his voice, laughing with him, knowing where he is. I know that’s wrong, and living with the ups and downs was painful. I just want someone to help me feel better because I’m so sad.

sabrina
9:44 am July 4th, 2015

Um, ok. He’s totally hooked on heroin (or anything else he can get his hands on) Got busted in the last few months for trafficking, one pot meth labs, and a dead person showed up in the river behind where he was staying. I’m freaking out, cuz he is in jail, and I just want to help him when he gets out.
His children (they are in their twenties) check up on me constantly to see where I am, they disabled my car in my apt parking lot, he’s embezzled like 10k from me, stole his mothers wedding ring, broke into my house while he knew i wasn’t there, it goes on………..
The scary part is that they have him on suboxine in jail, so I think he may be ready to be clean. WTF do i do?
ps-I can’t even look at anything, or watch tv because it reminds me of him. When he gets out, I’m afraid I will just take him back. But then, I will risk losing all of my friends and family.
AND WHY DO I MISS HIM SO MUCH? I keep looking across the room and imagining he is there………………

sabrina
9:48 am July 4th, 2015

@Amanda: I just downloaded your book on my kindle, I hope it’s the right one (there were a few with the same title) so I’m going to go read it. I like your advice that you give to people on this site, although I would never, EVER wish it on anyone else, it is nice to know that there are other people out there that are going through the same thing……………..

Gayla
3:46 am July 5th, 2015

My mom just called me stupid again for dating someone like this guy. I don’t think I am.stupid.. I was in this for 7 months and I left. . is everyone on this blog stupid? I don’t think so.. Don’t think at all

Gary
8:26 am July 8th, 2015

My wife is a meth addict. She insists she only does an small amount every day and does not use it to get high but rather keep herself in an upbeat mood. Anyway….I want to leave but I am very emotionally attached.

Amanda Andruzzi
6:44 pm July 9th, 2015

Fiorella, Sabrina, Gary & Gayla,

Leaving an addict is the hardest thing you’ll ever do but the most rewarding. If you can get through the hardest part and realize there is life after this it does get easier. Imagine that person you love and imagine them without addiction. You can have that but with someone else. There are other people out there that you can love that don’t battle with addiction. The problem is you are so used to this life and the drama that goes along with it that you are addicted to the addict. You do not know how to live a normal life without this cycle of addiction. Loving an addict is very intense and can make your feelings of love stronger because they are fleeting. You never know when you were going to see the person you love come out again. So this makes the love so much more intense. You have to heal and work on you and realize why you allow this in your life. You need to understand why you are addicted to the addict. Even if this is love it is not a healthy love and it is highly toxic. If as enablers we were actually healthy ourselves we would not want this relationship. I would suggest understanding more about addiction and co-addiction. Please read the other articles I have here, I have written them to help you because I have been exactly where you are. Keep me posted. Keep focused on you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

jennifer
4:57 pm July 13th, 2015

I am jennifer and for three years I have been with and supporting a meth user and cook. I am 38 and i own my home I am educated I have two of the most amazing teenage boys that I support on my own. I seem on the ousted like I am very intelligent, but when it comes to him I can’t seem to break the cycle. Three years ago I moved to a small town after having a stroke and facing an ongoing illness and also watching my husband of 16 years walk away from me and our boys telling me who couldn’t watch me be sick he basically quit me. It was fine I had my boys and everything I needed. I met the new man and immediately he seemed like a dream come true. He was simple and country and didn’t mind that I stutter or that I had seizures he was so patient and caring. I did realize after a few months he did drink a bit but I didn’t think it was a problem. Against all odds we became pregnant with a little girl. Shortly after he began staying up all night and he would accuse me of having strangers in the house that I was sleeping with he quit eating quit working and iI could smell somthing horrible in the shed. All the while my belly getting bigger. His father finally told me he had a problem with meth. I didn’t even know I felt so stupid. He would leave me and spend time with other woman who would buy him pills to cook with. They would call my home and he several times brought them on the property. I was 7 months pregnant covered in bruises and heartbroken not knowing what to do when I tried to take a bottle he was cooking away from him. He pushed me down so hard it finally registered to me he wasn’t there and I had to get away from him. Just before it was time to have the baby he was arrested for several felonies. I went home to family to have our daughter. While in jail he would call and write and tell me how sorry he was and how he would get clean. He was sentenced to 10 years but was taken to a treatment type prison and told if he did 1 year he could get out. I went into labor and thought everything would be fine but my daughter was stillborn. There were complication that were unseen and she didn’t make it. I was destroyed. He was also.He seemed to be the man i met when he became clean while in jail. I stayed in contact we both got council over the baby. One year later he was home. We finally grieved together over the child and things seemed so much better. 3 months of meetings and what seemed to be good just exploded one day when he decided to drink. He drank so much he became drunk and i started hearing the accusations again then he started coming home late and his phone going off all hours of night. Finally last month he did it he left and was up for 3 weeks straight wrecked his truck and looked so awful. I found out we are expecting again. I am 5 months along now and he told me I’m on my own. I know in my head I can not be with him. I have my son’s my home and everything I need , but there is a part of me that thinks if I don’t give up on him maybe he will see that we are important. Why can I not stop hoping? The hope is what hurts so much.

Tracey
5:07 am July 14th, 2015

I have been dating this guy for about 6 months now. Recently I have noticed that he drinks Alot… Basically everyday. He is very forgetful about simple things. He tells me how much he loves me and how he would like to spend the rest of his life with me.But to be honest I simply don’t believe him because of his actions. We never see or spend time with each other.We don’t talk or text anymore. At first I felt like he was cheating on me. He has admitted to me that he drinks way to much and that he can stop whenever he wants to. I’m still waiting for that day to come. My question is Should I just give up on this relationship and walk away? Or should I stick around and try to help him in some way? I truly love him. I’m just so fed up.

Stacy
1:52 pm July 15th, 2015

I am 13 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend is in recovery from a heroin addiction. I’ve read so many times that relapse is part of recovery which my boyfriend has done except both times he almost died. Once was in our bathroom and I had to break in and the second time was on the floor of our living room and I had to perform cpr for 10 minutes until paramedics came. I feel like I have PTSD, I had him remove the bathroom door because that is where he will use and die and if he is home before me I have to talk to him on the phone or I won’t come home. After reading a majority of these post and your blog Amanda I see and feel the fear that I live in and the bubble I’ve built around him in order to try to control his recovery so that I can “make it ” through the day but still live in heart wrenching fear that what if he doesn’t answer the phone or I come home and he’s dead? I’ve been worse since I’ve been pregnant, hormones play a major part but this worry has caused me to lose my appetite and sleep and I know it is horrible for our unborn child but I feel stuck because he seems sober and attends AA and IOP but I just have the intuition in the pit of my stomach of when is he going to start using again? And no way is he going to stay sober FOREVER. I am driving myself and him crazy,I have him under a microscope. I worry that if I leave it will send him into relapse because what if he really does want to be sober and is sober and the person he loves and who is pregnant with his child doesn’t believe him? I just can’t bare finding him dead or almost dead and having to call 911 again,if he uses again and survives,fine,it will be easier for me to leave but I just can’t find him dead. Please help

Patric
10:17 am July 16th, 2015

Prayer for Healing:
Almighty and merciful Father, by the power of your command, drive away from me all forms of sickness and disease. Restore strength to my body and joy to my spirit, so that in my renewed health, I may bless and serve you, now and forevermore. For more prayers in your family, relationship, business, sickness, barrenness or what so ever that problem his.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:28 pm July 16th, 2015

Jennifer,
Hope is a funny word. It can mean a lot of things, depending on how you look at it. The title of my book, Hope Street, has dual meanings. However, it can lead you to hang on too long. I think you need to understand what you are dealing with and what addiction is really all about. If the addict is not 100% on board and they do not go for help themselves, it usually does not last. There are many layers of addiction and just stopping drugs is only the first. There is so much more to becoming clean and I learned that the hard way. My book, Hope Street, is about this process for the addict, but more importantly for the loved one of an addict. I was married to an addict for 12 years and I understand the inner turmoil you are experiencing. I chose to stay and we had a child and the book is about this time in my life and the HOPE that I had to get back.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:37 pm July 16th, 2015

Tracey,
Addiction is something that cannot just go away. I would recommend reading my book Hope Street. I was young and did not understand addiction when I married my husband. It will give you some insight and a preview on what life with an addict is really like. Tracey, go with your gut. If you feel that this is not right or that you need help for you, go with that feeling.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:43 pm July 16th, 2015

Stacey,
This situation won’t work. I lived it for 12 years. Controlling him only made me crazy and made him use and lie. Please understand that regardless of what he is doing, you need to be okay, you have a baby on the way. This will get worse if you do not get help for yourself. You need to focus on your own health and happiness and that is hard when you live with an addict.
Please pick up my memoir, Hope Street. It is my book about my living with an addict through 12 years of marriage and a child. I think it will give you the insight and hope you need right now.
Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Mimi
11:36 pm July 17th, 2015

Dear Amanda, what if the addict is your own brother? You know that he is strung out on a particular drug, but you also know that he will not get off of it. What then? How can you help them?

Amanda Andruzzi
12:15 pm July 20th, 2015

Mimi,
Family can be more difficult but I would still create boundaries with him and stick to them. Please click on my name here and other articles will come up. Try reading the articles in families of addicts and ways to create conduct an intervention.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Caroline
3:35 am July 21st, 2015

Amanda,

Your story is exactly what I need right now. I have been with my fiance for 4 years and raised his daughter from a previous relationship as my own. I am at the point with his addiction where I am ready to walk away. I moved back home with my parents 3 days ago, his daughter is living with his mom and he is supposed to be moving to his mom’s as well. I feel like there is an empty hole right in the middle of my chest and fight back tears all day. I know that friends and family will begin to ask questions soon because we were supposed to be getting married next summer. Every time I feel sympathy for him I try to remember the nights where he would nod out standing up. It doesn’t help any that his father passed away last year, but I wish he turned to me to cope not the drugs. I’m ready to move on with my life.

I could really use some words of encouragement right now.

Caroline

Amanda Andruzzi
7:20 pm July 21st, 2015

Caroline,
This may very well be the best decision you ever make. You have seen that all of your efforts are in vain and you cannot make an addict want to be sober. That is a hard and very difficult realization to come to, I know. It took me 12 years, 6 married and one child to leave my addicted spouse. I finally realized the only way I could break the cycle and have a chance at a happy life was to walk away, even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I also knew that my being with him was not helping and maybe leaving would give him a chance too. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my life with an addict. I wrote it to help others, like you, feel understood and to give you hope. There is hope. I wish you well and please keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

nomz
8:34 pm July 22nd, 2015

Hi i have been with my husband for 27 yrs and his addiction to drugs is gone beyond control.he always seems to relapse and its quite frustrating… It first started overseas he was a casual user of marijuana…then when we came to oz it became frequent and he left me when i was pregnant with my 2nd child for another woman.He decided he didnt want to be with her and begged to come back to the marriage so i took him in for my kids sake. 15 yrs on he knows how much i cant stand that he takes drugs..i started to c the pinpoints of y he would go back to drugs..its when hes lost all control of things at home..its like every 6months he would relapse then after seeing me and my children distressed and on the verge of leaving him he would give up.This time its different hes smoking synthetic marijuana and its worse than the norm…hes more drowsey and its like hes drunk..its weird..he spends $100 a day which is killing us..he stays in his car all hours of the morning..and he sleeps during the day..im frustrated and want to leave..where to from here..

wendi
10:25 pm July 23rd, 2015

I’m exhausted. That pretty much sums it up. I am 36 years old and I have been with my 36 year old boyfriend for 6 years. He is a crack addict. I don’t understand addiction since I’ve never had the problem personally, so I don’t know how to deal with it. I love him so much and I hate the thought of losing him but somethings got to give. He refuses to keep a job and makes excuse after excuse for his unemployment. He says its too hard to find a job without a car. We had a car, well I had a car, but he totalled it driving under the influence. I work full time and ride the bus or ask friends or coworkers for rides so I can still earn a paycheck. I earn a paycheck, that he steals from me and wastes on drugs. He steals every cent I have and sells everything I buy. I try to hide money from him and he bullies me until he gets it. He has even stripped me naked and physically forced me to stand in a corner until I tell him where the money is hidden. I want to leave him and live a normal life but I have nowhere to go. I can’t afford a different apartment and I have tried so many times to kick him out with no outcome. He refuses to leave, but why leave a free ride?! No matter how much I try to talk to him about it he won’t change. I just got paid yesterday. I am already flat broke and there is absolutely zero food in my home. I ask him how I’m supposed to pay bills or buy food after he has stolen my check and his answers are always the same….. You will figure it out…. Why do I have to figure it out? Why can’t he figure it out or stay out of my pocket? I just don’t know what to do anymore. How do I help him or better yet how do I help myself?

Emma
6:15 am July 24th, 2015

I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for just over a year now. We move in together a few months ago and I started noticing that his drinking and lying was getting worse. I found out a few of his lies regarding drinking and finally put my foot down when he started coming home late drunk. A week ago he decided to go into a 90 Day Rehab Center. I am very proud of him and he says he is doing well. When we were together I had a hard time trusting him and think he may have cheated on me multiple times. He is newly into recovery and I am wondering if I need to ask him the truth about if he cheated on me or not. I know that if he tells me he did I will no longer be able to trust him and the relationship would not continue. I am just confused whether I should move on without knowing or I should ask and risk hearing what I don’t want to hear .

blue
1:47 am July 25th, 2015

I’m struggling myself with many thoughts and emotions to the recovering addict in my life. I’ve kept most of it to myself and struggled on really. I dunno how I’ve actually managed these last 15mnths with a pregnancy he hardly paid attention too missing the birth disappearing reappearing always mentioning other females, yer when I try for any clarification from him it’s me that’s crazy. I managed to break free for awhile cause having my son and dealing with his behaviour became too much. I had little to no contact for myself but tried to ensure he had some sort of bond with his son. Noticing quickly that he really wasn’t interested which really took its toll on me emotionally as I’d gave him every opportunity and I guess excuse. It also hurt me because I’d taken care and was good to his little daughter from a previous fling.( who’s mother altho not a constant drug user was know to dabble and was quite chaotic hetself) once I started getting into a routine for myself and contacted a lawyer to basically finalise that no contact was required basically so I didn’t do end time looking over my shoulder. He surprised the hell out of me by saying he wanted involvement and claimed I was a barrier to this etc my brain hurt with trying to work through the lies cause in almost a year he had never asked after his son after sporadic visits at start accompanied with his dad. I later found out all the lies he’d told his dad about me apparently banning him from the birth etc . and also since some contact for my son realise he had taken up with some new female completely blocking out myself and his new born son. He seemed to take great delight in torturing me with all this again when I questioned him or tried to gain clarity it was me who was the nutcase psycho.
I was willing to allow supervised contact as after all it was his son and felt at first like he must want to be in his life cause he was requesting it, buy I’m soon realising it’s yo pull my strings an have a hold over me where our son is concerned. He’s already said he can take him where ever he wants. It frightens me because from experience he brought his daughter to mine and eld bugger off out under the story of a meeting an not come back until just before midnight and sometimes he’d purposely start van argument and threaten to leave or not return that night leaving his daughter all of which I never wish for my son to endure. I’m presently fighting through a court to prove he is unfit still chaotic in actions and behaviour if not possibly using or had reused at some point. I’m all over place emotionally and find it hard to focus on my job and daily tasks although my kids keep me focused. I’m just tired of the mind games and can’t quite fathom how I seem sacked back in when I was doing so well. I’m an independent person who was on my own for 9years raising my daughter and enjoy my own company. So I wasn’t frightened of being on my own or don’t feel I had code pendent issues. I met him through a work placement for drug support worker where he was training for his svq too. He appeared to have things together and I realise now from the training and counselling techniques was able to talk a good talk. He still strongly denies he’s relapsed in our time together but he behaved like jeckle and hide sometimes shouting I was making him want to have a hit. He’s very manipulative and believable as this reformed character when he puts his show on and it’s this that scares me cause I know the real truth of things and how dangerous this is. I feel sad, had compassion and then angry humiliated disgusted u name it I’ve felt it or feel it now. I’m just hoping something stops soon before I loose my mind. Still somewhere I hope he realise his behaviour shall impact on his son and cause him to stop or change deep down tho I fear this is not something he is capable. So I guess I’m asking for any kind of input.

Val
3:00 am July 25th, 2015

My Husband and I separated for a year because he relapsed after 3 years of sobriety. He went on a careless binge for 8 days and it took less than 6 months for him to lose his job, new truck, and family. I felt so abandoned, hurt and concerned that he was going to end up in jail or dead. It killed me to turn my back on him but I became so depressed that I decided having him back as an addict was better than not having him at all. So he lives on this schedule where he leaves in the morning and in the evening to go use. Comes right back home but I fear that me and my children will find him dead one day. He shoots meth and heroin and it’s awful seeing him like this. He does all the house work and baby sitting and most of the cooking so I can’t complain but he almost over dozed the other day. Now I’m questioning myself if not making a big deal of his addiction is the right thing. I’m so tired of the fighting and him leaving for days, weeks and sometimes months as he gets more and more strung out. I’m confused as to what to do?

charity
6:44 pm July 28th, 2015

can someone help me? My best friend has been abusing her anxiety and pain medications for sometime now for maybe a year or two, i’ve noticed her dependency when we would talk on the phone and anxious she would if there was no way for her to get them. she has them prescribed but has bought them in the streets before. her father has addiction problems and so does her mother, her mom lives in gainsville florida and her dad lives in a motel in the middle of nowhere, she’ currently bunked up with a heroine addict in a motel, and i knew that she started snorting them, but last night she called crying saying that he shot her up with a drug last night she told me that after she snorted two pills, injected, then he injected her with morphine, since she was talking extremely slow i question whether or not it was heroine but she denied it. I’m so worried and i’ve been up all night wondering what i can do as a friend, she’s been my bff since high school and i just wish i knew what to do. i know i’m not suppose to give her any monetary adjustments, since she’ll get more drugs, and i wouldn’t allow her to stay with me, even though i think that this whole thing was caused by her inability to say “no” to drugs and the people around her. i just can’t have that stress, i’m in grad school and i’m constantly studying and doing things. anyone going through this that can give me help? i was thinking about suggesting her to go into rehab but who would pay? i’m in debt cause of school and i don’t nearly make enough to support her going to rehab no one in her family would help considering they have their own problems.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:58 am July 31st, 2015

Nomz,
where to from here? I would say on your way out of this relationship. This is a relationship plagued by co-addictive and codependent behavior. You can either choose to make it stop and address this head on with him or leave but either way, you should find a way to be happy for you and for the sake of your children. You have every right to be frustrated but you too, have a choice not to stand for it anymore.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:03 am July 31st, 2015

Wendi,
Please, please, please get out of this situation. You need to leave, find a way and leave. Stay with a friend until you can save some money to get another apartment. Why should you suffer and pay for another person’s drug addiction? You have to see it first before you realize that this is no way to live. Please find some support, a local group, a therapist, or anyone who can help you understand that this situation has to end. You can call the police and have him removed from your home. Your enabling his addiction and this is also not going to ever help him stop, why should he, he doesn’t have to…he gets a free ride?
Please read the other articles I have written, click on Amanda Andruzzi and they will all come up.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:06 am July 31st, 2015

Emma,
You have every right to know, let’s face it, if he cheated, don’t you at least have the right to know if he put your health at stake? I would get tested for any sexually transmitted diseases just in case and yes, I would address the cheating. You need a honesty and open lines of communication for this to work. I would also think about finding some support for you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:11 am July 31st, 2015

Blue,
Please pick up my book Hope Street. I wrote it because I too was in a situation like yours and wanted to help others. My memoir and this site was my way of helping other woman from my experience. I want to tell you so much but there is not enough space here and that is why I wrote the book, it tells you all. Good Luck. Keep us posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:16 am July 31st, 2015

Val,
Remove yourself from this situation and think about what you would tell your child if he or she were in the situation living with an addict. Would you want this life for them? No, so should not allow them to see what is going on and you should not want this for yourself. Easier said than done right, but as hard as it is and as much as you love him, you have to protect yourself and your children and allow him to spiral out of control and hit bottom. Being with you may be keeping his addiction at bay and you are not responsible for him so you have to let him fall. I know, I lived with an addict for 12 years and that is why I write here and wrote my book from the perspective of the wife of an addict.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:39 am July 31st, 2015

Charity,
You are a good friend. Unfortunately, there is not much that you can do to make her stop. Her addiction is taking her to a bad place and shooting heroine and other drugs is going to take her to an even darker place. What can you do, you can tell her that if she wants to get help, you will be there to see that she gets it. She does not need money to get into a rehab or to go to the hospital to get into a detox program. If she has nothing, the state will pay for this. She is not a minor and she has no income and no health insurance, then she can get emergency health insurance at no cost to her to pick up the expense. the hospital will file for her when she goes in to detox.
You cannot let her battle affect your life though and must go on with the things that make you okay. It sounds terrible but if she does not accept your help then she is not ready to get help. If this started with anxiety and depression for her then she will need to deal with those issues so that relapse is not a part of her future. A tall order but as her friend, all you can do is offer your support only if and when she is ready. No money, no place to stay, just an ear and maybe a car ride to take her to the hospital is all you can do right now. I hope this helps.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Annie
7:49 am August 3rd, 2015

Hello Amanda
I am very happy that I ran across your article. I just left my addict boyfriend today. We have a 2 year old son. He started with pills and is now a heroin addict. I have been pretty much telling him to leave the drugs and he does for a couple weeks then goes back using it and lies about it. I feel that instead of taking care of one toddler I taking care of two my boyfriend and my son. I have been with him since I was 17 Years old and now I am 26years old he started with his heroin addiction for about a year now. I have been trying to help him and so have his parents but it just seems to me that he does not want the help because he does not take action in wanting to get better. My feelings are all over the place. I do not trust him at all but I do love him I care for him. But now I have had enough with his addiction his lies his reaction to drugs it’s awful and embarrassing to be seen with him when hid done using it I need help in staying strong and not letting him come back in my life. It is really hard especially because we have a son.
Thank you for taking time in reading my post. God bless you.

MGC
9:55 pm August 3rd, 2015

Thank you for this article.
The tears are streaming down my face as i read it. I am currently one week in from leaving my alcoholic boyfriend of 6 years. I’m 31 years old and i’ve finally reach the point where it feels like i have to do this now or never.
I’ve wasted too much time on the roller-coaster of drunken episodes, recovering from drunken episodes and MAYBE 1 or 2 good days in between. I feel so out-of-control of my life. I’ve spent more time being angry and emotional than I have being happy in the past few years. Even with all these negative emotions – and just basic common sense – why is it so hard? The honest answer is – i love him. My love for him has made me take him back the 20+ times i tried breaking up in the past 3 years. And every time, every failure is more heartbreaking than the last. I’m beat – emotionally, physically and even wiped out of all shreds of optimism. So here I am again…break-up 20 something – and really just about the 4/5 to last more than 2 days – and i can’t get him to leave me alone. For the first time i didn’t wait for the dramatic drunken episode – in fact (since this anonymous) my largest fear was that the next episode would & could destroy either him or I. I’m just at a point where i can’t do it anymore. I’ve asked him to not contact me. I know all the reasons we have gotten back to together in the past is because i become weak from all the sad texts, crying calls, promises of getting help and commitment to change. So, what do i do to keep my resolve. Asking him not to contact me didn’t work; now in the midst of my sadness i am continuously rejecting calls & ignoring sappy messages. When i do respond, it’s just out of sheer anger and frustrations that he is not respecting my decision.
WHAT DO I DO?
I want to be strong but I’m so scared i’ll be weak again…

Arlene
5:38 am August 4th, 2015

My 23 yr old daughter is an addict. She has been in and out of jail, in several different facilities
Including inpatient and outpatient. She has stolen from us and our other daughters. I know it’s time to kick her out I just don’t know how to let go. This is the first time I say this to myself and I am devastated. I know it’s time just don’t know how to start. I feel like I’m turning my back on her.

Arlene
5:54 am August 4th, 2015

I’m reading these posts and most are about boyfriends or husbands. As hard as I know that would be I feel like when its your child its on a different level. I’m suppose to protect my daughter and always be there tor her, but I can’t protect her from this. She is the only one that can. My husband and I have done our best to support and be there for her. It’s been about 4 years now. I’m Don’t have the words to express how I feel right but now as I wait up for her yet again. Not knowing if she will be home tonight or if she is even alive.

Anon
1:28 am August 5th, 2015

I broke with my partner of 8 years. We have a 7 year old girl and his weed smoking has taken over his life. He was a non drinking weed dabbler when I met him saying that bring off alcohol 20 years was great as long as he could smoke. Being open minded and falling in love it was easy .. I don’t smoke as it does not agree with me. He continued to smoke and was stoned when I was in labour. The joy of becoming a mum overshadowed my increasing irritation at his habit. He smoked outside and was a great dad initially. As she reached 3 and 4 he started smoking at night in the house and then recently after major disagreements .. Growing weed, smoking internet head shop stuff I ended it as I knew it was all spiralling out of control. He got sacked from his job and from years of looking after our child I realised he was too angry with the world to ever stop. He is on antidepressants, Librium, prescribed, and still smokes weed. It makes him go from genuine and lovely to a total selfish unrecognisable human being. I’ve hidden so much from our child but he is moving out soon and as I have taken a full time job to have more control he told me that it might not suit him as I’ll be doing 7 shifts a fortnight. I just got the job and I realise I can’t truly take it without his support. If I don’t work I can’t pay the rent and this will put me and our child in dire strIghts. He does some small bits of work at weekends but that will be for his own living expenses.. A childminder will leave me short I crunched all the numbers. He loves his child but feels unwilling to enable me to work. It’s a nightmare .. What can I do ? Please help? He has charmed the doctor to prescribe Librium even though he still smokes. This can’t be good, sometimes he looks so scary and freaky and I’m exhausted .. He calls it. Lifestyle, I call it hell. I want to protect my daughter from knowing her father is a selfish addict.. But she is 7 now.. Adores him.. How can I prevent further disaster??

Donna
8:45 am August 5th, 2015

Either way its empty. I numbed up, seperated myself even though we would get back together over and over. I forgave him so quickly because i know it hurt him as bad as it did me. We love each other but he cant seem to keep it straight. I find myself wondering when the heartache of the entire 8 years will pass and if ever. I cant seem to figure out what ive done to still feel so much pain when all i want is peace!

Amanda Andruzzi
2:28 am August 7th, 2015

Annie,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know what you are going through, I have been there myself. Sometimes you have to let the person you love go because it hurts too much to stay. Addiction is the most devious demon and it destroys lives, not just the addict but those around them. Your best option is to leave because you will be able to feel peace and not have to be involved with the day to day of addiction. It can drive you mad. The lies, the fear, the sadness, the exhaustion, it never ends until you end it. You did a good thing for yourself and your child. My memoir, Hope Street, is my journal account of my life with an addict, through 12 years, marriage and one child. Every feeling you have felt, it is in there. I hope you get a chance to keep reading more, click on Amanda Andruzzi and all of my other articles will come up. I wrote my book and this blog to help others get through because I did and you can!
Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:41 am August 7th, 2015

Arlene,
An child who is an addict is completely different from a partner or husband. There are no words to describe the unconditional love a parent has for a child. I am a mother of three. However, please read the other articles here pertaining to the family of addicts like, Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction, because they will help you in any situation. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and all of my articles will come up. Loving your child is something you will never move on from but you have to start to understand that enabling may only be hurting her. It sounds cruel, but allowing her to use and live in your house, even if you fight her on this, is like saying, it is okay. When you let you, you risk the chance that they will do horrible things or not make it out alive, but how much longer can you go on this way and she won’t stop unless something changes. The key here is something has to change. For example, she needs to enter treatment for 6 months and then maybe she can come home, if she does not, she needs to leave. You can let her know with love that you will not watch her kill herself. You love her and you are here for her when she is ready to get better. As a parent, you feel responsible, and although something in her life or genetics may have sparked this addiction, it is not your fault, but it is a good idea to find out why you think this started. Therapy with the entire family and her, if she is willing may help. I would try an intervention with a skilled therapist if you have not already but the key is create rules for her and if they are broken, then you will not support her. By enabling her, unfortunately you are supporting her habit, she doesn’t have to stop because she has food, clothes and a place to stay. It is a decision you and your family will have to make. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:43 am August 7th, 2015

MCG,
You are doing the best thing for yourself, I promise you that!! Give yourself a hug and a pat on the shoulder for being strong. You do not deserve to live in the midst of addiction, no one does. You are heartbroken because you want the man you see every once in a while, I know, I lived with an addict for 12 years, through marriage and a child. 12 years of lies, insanity, tears, pain and only moments of happiness that were fleeting. Please pick up Hope Street, I don’t always recommend it but in your case I believe it will really help you. Hope Street is my memoir of my life with an addict, particularly the final year and the time I left and never looked back. There is hope and you will be happy again, you just have to do the work and move through the pain. One of my other articles you should read about being happy, I wrote it because the best advice I ever got while I was in my deep depression and leaving my husband was “The best revenge is happiness.” Your ex does not have to respect your wishes because he is an addict, he has lost all reason and rationality, but you have the right to let him go and move on. My advice, change your phone number, therapy, some positive affirmations and time will help you.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:49 am August 7th, 2015

Anon,
You are making the right decision. I do not know if you have any friends or family but now is the time to ask for help. I am sure that he will be forced to give you child support if you go to family court and he will not be able to have unsupervised visits as long as he test positive for marijuana. You are protecting your child and you will have some support even if it is not much. You may also be eligible for free health insurance for your child and some government help until you get on your feet. Right now you are doing the right thing and you have to look for every resource that will be a stepping stone so that you can move on. I was lucky enough to have my father who was able to watch my child while I went back to work full-time, but don’t give up and keep looking. Going to family court may be your best option right now. Keep me posted.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:50 am August 7th, 2015

Donna,
You sound lost. I hope these articles give you some hope. It can get better. There is hope.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sara
7:33 am August 7th, 2015

My husband is a prescription pill and narcotic addict plus he drinks we’ve been married for five years I have want to leave him but I’m not good at standing up for myself lately his addiction has gotten worse I am mentally ill and he steals my medicine from me plus my pain pills and he has started drinking again he’s not the same man he was five years ago he needs help but he doesn’t think he does I don’t know what else to do I need help figuring out how to leave him

Kim
4:39 pm August 7th, 2015

So I am 24 years old married to a meth addict. He’s been in and out of my life due to his drug use and has only been in my daughters life for two months once he got out of rehab. His mother is so passive towards me and is his chief enabler. Instead of his family and I supporting a sober life his family tends to bring him back to his old lifestyles when he is doing well. But when he uses he tells his mother lies about me then she passively tries everything to hurt me when it always gets to me. I just don’t understand why they are making me the problem when it’s his addiction. He gets out of jail in two weeks and I am pushing him to go to rehab while his mother says I am manipulating the situation but his parents are trying to bring him home and making him work for his family shop since his dad needs to go to rehab. This is just crazy to me and I no longer understand these ppl.

Victoria
9:16 am August 8th, 2015

Hi,
I am a 35 year old mother of four girls, ages 6 – 16. Although still legally married to their father, we have been separated for four years due to his drug use (meth). I had him leave once I found out about the drugs. I packed up a bag of his stuff and asked him to stay with his parents until he got his act together and gave him a list of what I expected in order for him to return home.

1. Stop using
2. Get into a rehab program
3. Grant me full access to his therapist and any allow for random drug tests

Having no experience with drugs or addiction, I expected this to take anywhere from a month to three months tops. I assumed that he would continue to work since he was the main income provider for our family. I assumed that he would continue to help financially. I assumed he would do whatever it took to hold on to our marriage and be a good father for our girls. I was wrong.

Instead of things getting better, it got worse. He did not help out at all financially. He used money against me, and spent it all on drugs and alcohol. He started to harass and stalk me at work and break in and out of our home whenever he felt like it. I tried to keep my situation a secret from my family, hoping we’d be able to work things out before anyone would find out. But a few months after separation I couldn’t bear the finances on my own and the stress of dealing with him. I confided in my sister and moved my children in with her family.

I ended up staying with my sister’s family for 6 months, my parents a week, and eventually made the difficult decision of moving my kids into a shelter just to keep a roof over our heads and to avoid my husband’s threats to hurt me, my family, and any friends who offered help. Despite all the threats, I continued to pray for him, and tried my best to get him help from family friends, our church, and local rehab programs. I even took him to AA classes in hopes he would change on his own. His drug use eventually caused him to lose his job, I helped him get another and he lost that one too.

Through everything, I still allowed the kids to spend time with him and his family as long as another family member was present and usually just for family gatherings. I dealt with everything by working 2 jobs 7 days a week and trying to keep my kids on a familiar schedule of school and church. Eventually I was able to get my kids and I a 3bd room place of our own. Things were finally looking up….

Instead of being happy for us, he flipped out. One night while my kids were at my parents house and I was home alone, he broke in and threatened to kill me. Luckily, I was able to call the cops and press charges. I filed a TRO (something I should have done but was too afraid to), and he was sentenced to jail. While in jail, he got clean. Part of his sentencing was to get into a rehab program and take classes for drug/alcohol abuse, parenting, anger management, etc. While he was incarcerated, I finally found the courage to file for divorce. However, he refuses to sign the paperwork. He wants to work things out.

He is currently out of jail, out of rehab, has been clean for over a year, is living in a clean and sober house, is going back to school, started a new job and is becoming a contributing member of society again. He was apologized to me and our girls repeatedly and comes around to visit if he is invited, and communicates through phones and texts. He claims he wants us to reconcile. I tell him I need the divorce, and he tells me he will not sign it.

My dilemma? Despite what I say, I still love him. I don’t know if I am in love with him or vice versa though. We were high school sweethearts, and despite all we’ve been through these past four years, we had a good healthy marriage prior and he was a really good father- provided for us financially, coached our girls in every sport, and volunteered with me throughout the community. Most of the abuse I experienced was while he was on drugs and already out of the home. Despite everything, I still feel that he will be able to get out of this and I actually see him doing great things with his life, if he continues on the path he is on.

I am confused. On one hand I am proud of everything I have accomplished on my own, and how well my kids have adjusted despite our family tragedy. I know I need the divorce in order for closure and for me to move on. Also, because of everything he has put me through, family bridges have been burned and I know my family would not support us getting back together. On the other hand, I still love him and know that he loves me despite all he has done. I see the progress he is making and see great things ahead for him. It feels good when he is around again, the kids are happy and I am content. I am also tired of carrying the financial burden of my family of five on my own and am secretly afraid that I may drop the ball and lose everything again. And although I have been dating, I have not met anyone worth mentioning, nor do I even desire a relationship at this time, although I miss the intimacy that comes with a true relationship. I know I have a lot to work on myself but I don’t know what to do, or who to talk to. Friends and family that know him would love to see us work it out, my new friends and support group would probably think I’m crazy.

Thanks, V

maryanne
5:13 pm August 8th, 2015

I live with my alcoholic fiancé and it is so hard some days. He has cirrhosis and other health issues but continues to drink. He says he doesn’t like AA. He says he is afraid to stop drinking, which he has tried many times, he becomes very anxious and afraid of everything. He says he has PTSD and drinking helps him with that. I am tired of watching him kill himself slowly and have told him to get help. I am afraid to ask him to leave because I’m afraid his drinking will get worse and he will hurt himself. I’m so torn.

Mary
4:58 am August 9th, 2015

Hi, My 51 year old brother is an alcoholic and has been living with my elderly parents for almost 2 years. After 25 years of marriage his wife kicked him out and my parents took him in. He lost his job after 3 months living with my parents. He continues to drink after my mother sent him to rehab for 90 days. His grown children want nothing to do with him. My parents kicked him out and where paying for him to live in a motel for 2 weeks Waiting for a room at rehab. He went to rehab came home and still drinking stealing money from my parents drinking my fathers cough medicine to get drunk. He refuses to look for a job and my mother is babying him cooking cleaning up his messes and my dad wants him out. My mother is blaming my dad for my brothers drinking saying he’s not supportive. It’s taking a toll on everybody. I say kicked him to the street and let him hit rock bottom!

Nichelle
1:05 am August 10th, 2015

Hi, I’m 22 years old and I have a 2 year old daughter. Well I don’t know how to begin. My daughters father is addicted to drugs..I think it’s more like heroin but he denies it. Before my daughter was born I noticed a change in his actions. He would start staying out later than usual and he was coming home really hyper and would be sweating , his nose would be bright red and he would nod out real bad.His excuse he is tired from work. Well after my daughter was born we moved in with his grandma since I was on maternity leave and couldn’t afford the bills at my apartment, anyways he stole all his grandma’s jewelry including her wedding ring , stole her laptop and stole her credit card and got like $300 out of her bank account. I also bought him 2 $300 watches ( over a period of time not at once) he pawned them. So me and his family started questioning what he was doing. Mind you I’m not a drug type of person I don’t know about any of it so seeing him like this was scary! I did my research and found out he was doing heroin but he STILL denies it first it was opanas ( hillbilly heroin) that he snorted but now he’s actually injecting it. I’ve seen track marks in his arms and knots but he tells me I dnt know what I’m talking about its a “scratch” from play fighting but its directly on his veins..I’ve tried to help so many times and it doesn’t seem to help. He’s getting so bad that he’s gotten abusive , but I steady take him back because I feel like I would let him down and he’ll die if I don’t. I care for him with all my heart but its took a toll on my daughter she is very scared of our agurments and screams. My question is why am I still staying with him ? When is the best time to walk away or is it too late? I just feel like my life is gone because of him! I’m severely depressed and I can’t take no more of it! I need help to walk away I’m scared though because he will hurt me.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:29 am August 10th, 2015

Sara,
Make the decision you want to leave first and do not look back. You have to commit to leaving or else you will not go through with it. Once you do that, planning on leaving is the next step. You need to come up with a plan that will allow you to leave.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:15 am August 12th, 2015

Kim,
It sounds like his family is enabling him and you are starting to realize that you cannot enable him any longer. This is a good thing, it will help you move on with your life. You can start to let him go if you realize that this cycle of addiction is part of him family, obviously his mom enables the dad and her son. If this is not the life you want, then I would recommend moving on and letting him go. Focus on you. Focus on your life with your children.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:28 am August 12th, 2015

Victoria,
I won’t tell you what to do but I will tell you that sometimes lines are crossed and you can never go back to where you were before. Sometimes we have to move on so that we do not get stuck in the past or make the same mistakes again. I do not know why your husband started using meth so late in life and what caused it but it sounds to me like your instinct to get closure and move on is really the best one. Sometimes the things we want to hold on to the most, the things our whole body tell us we cannot let go of, are the very things that we need to let go of. It is ultimately your decision. I would recommend reading all of my articles here and even my book. Hope Street may help you see things from the perspective of the co-addict, you. I wish you luck and I completely respect all that you have done for your family. You have done everything to get your life back, to bring back stability and that is an amazing thing you have accomplished.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:32 am August 12th, 2015

Maryanne,
You should do what is best for your well-being. That is all I can urge you to really think about. He is sick, physically and mentally and won’t get help. If he is bringing you down, then you need to reach out for a life raft and get help. Help for you and if he falls or kills himself, that is not your fault, nor your responsibility.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:35 am August 12th, 2015

Mary,
Please read my article “Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for Families”, just click on my name and all of my articles will come up. This may help you set the stage for a real intervention and boundaries you and your family need to set. If your brother does not abide, then yes, I agree, he has no choice and neither do you, you need to let him hit bottom.
I wish you the best and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:41 am August 12th, 2015

Nichelle,
Walk away, the time is right, right now. It is never too late for you to get your life back and restore peace and sanity for you and your daughter. If you are depressed and not motivated to leave, and I know firsthand how that feels, then I would recommend counseling, possibly natural remedies and if necessary antidepressants to help you feel like yourself again and give you the strength you need to move on. Stress and living with an addict takes its toll on your body. But yes, you should leave and NO it is never too late.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Samantha
3:37 am August 12th, 2015

Hello, I am 21 years old and have left my boyfriend of 3 years for the second time due to a relapse. Things were going so well for a few months, but I guess what makes this a lot harder is that it comes unexpectedly. My boyfriend who is a heroin addict, told me that he had all the tools he needed to stay sober this time around and went to meetings frequently. Well, he relapsed around two weeks ago and I left him (again). I know I’m young, and I have so much ahead of me and a lot of other people have it worse than I do- regarding children and marriage, etc. but I feel absolutely dead. I was and still am in love with this guy. But he chose drugs over me over and over. It’s only been a couple weeks that I last saw or spoke to him, and every day has just dragged on. My mind has been consumed of thoughts of if he overdosed, if he’s okay, every single minute of everyday. I understand that contacting him isn’t going to help him, but the thoughts are taking over my every waking moment. I honestly don’t know how I would be able to handle it if I got a call that he had overdosed. How do I try and move past this? I fear that I will never be able to.
Thank you.

marie
6:03 pm August 12th, 2015

I am married to an addict and we have been married only 4 months. I didn’t know in the beginning of our relationship which started last year but he finally admitted this to me in december after days of disappearing. But i married him anyway. since we have been married thigs are getting worse. He has not held a full time job since april 27 205, he goes on binges for days at a time and i have no idea where he is….we argue all the time he is disrespectful to me when he is high or feigning or drunk he gets jobs then hits the streets and loses them. he lost 6 jobs since april ..so he is not helping financially. we got into an argument one weekend and [police were called he went to jail but on unrelated issues because he did not put his hands on me. last time he hit the streets somebody beat him up and his face was swollen he has an infection and he is in the hospital because of it. I am tired, i am depressed, i am overwhelmed he expects me to do everything makes promises to get clean but doesn’t and it is just too much. i feel a sense of emptyiness and i want to get away. the only thing i can say is i have his bank card so at the most he may only have 20 bucks in his pocket for drugs but with him not working steadily anymore he is not contributing to the household. Should i get out and let him work this out on his own. from what i know now he has had this problme for more than 20 years but he just has his moments when he will stay away from it.

Amanda Andruzzi
8:11 pm August 12th, 2015

Samantha,
I understand your feelings are overwhelming and all-consuming. I have been there and I can tell you that this has more to do with you than him. Why do you feel responsible for his actions? You are not responsible and although he may hurt himself, there is really nothing you can do that you have not already tried. Letting go is not easy but if you close some doors, others with open. You have to trust the fact that this is not the right person for you even though you love him and you may feel that you cannot move you. You can, you absolutely can.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Lynn
12:09 am August 20th, 2015

Hi, i am 29 with a 2 yr old and my ex/ childs father is a crack addict. We have been together for 5 years. I knew his crimal record but he lied to me and told me it was just selling drugs not using them. Had no reason not to believe him cuz he had told the truth about so many other things. After our child was born he started going out at random hours of the night even though he had to work the next day. One day it started spiraling out of control into more and more days being missed from work. We fought at home more and things just got bad. He went back to several rehabs thru his parole officer none of which worked. I kicked him out several times. I would always feel sorry for him cuz love him. And he would end up coming back to my house. I am fed up with how he treats me and my child. I want it to all be over with. He will not turn himself in to his po. A Warrant has been issued for his arrest. He is not at my house and staying with a friend of his. He calls and msgs me constantly how do i make him leave us alone? Should i call the police and tell them whwre he is so he will go back to prison? Change my number. I am in need of advice here. How do i get away from this man? He always manages to get his way back into my life. And I don’t want him to succeed in doing so this time. I want it done. I will not risk putting my Child and myself in jeopardy with the law for him. Please help

silvia
6:36 am August 20th, 2015

Hi Amanda & All! Its absolutely crazy how life works, I almost tried to get in touch with my ex addict today. But before I picked up the phone I googled how to let go of an addict & Amandas’s post came up……Rewind a year this was the post that helped me get through the hardest time of my life. August 2nd 2014 u can read what I wrote. I am a recoverin alcoholic & my ex is a heroin addict he relapsed last summer & soon after I relapsed and my life was on a downward spiral I had the courage to kick him out, but I was so broken and missed him so much. I came on this post, vented I read Hope Street & from there on my life took a drastic change for the better. I’m coming on 11 months of sobriety. All i wanted to say is Amanda thank you, God brought me to this post a year ago when I hit my bottom and my life is better then my wildest dreams. I have so much peace and love. My advice with anyone trying to let go of an addict is to read and reach out. Its what helped me. Amanda’s book really gave me hope. We all are different ages, races, live all over the country but the feelings of loving an addict are all the same. I went through the hopelessness i cant lie and say it was easy. But you can do it. I still think of my ex almost every day and it might be like that forever. But with all the advice ive gotten from people like me that went through, I wake up happy & in peace! & i am here for anyone @ any time! Xoxoxox

Amanda Andruzzi
5:39 pm August 20th, 2015

Lynn,
Breathe. Know that you are doing the right thing and moving in the right direction. You have control over your own life. You have the power to not allow him back into your life. You need to stay strong and cut him off from all contact because he is in a toxic situation that is not good for you or your child. If he threatens you or tries to hurt you in anyway then yes you need to call the authorities. You are here to save your life and your child’s life because you cannot fix him. He has his own path and will go down his own road and you have to allow him to do that away from you so that you can heal and move on with your life. I know it hurts I have been exactly where you are but it can be done and letting go will give you freedom and peace. Please pick up my book Hope Street, it is my memoir of my journey with an addict. I believe it will really help you.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict.
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:47 pm August 20th, 2015

Marie,
You are in a good position you do not need your husband financially and you do not have any children with him. A lot of us here do not have the same situation. What you need to do is leave him as hard as that may sound. You are not going to fix him, he is not going to change and you will only enable him and hurt yourself in the process. You need to let him go and focus on you and your recovery from what you have been through this last year. You can find happiness again but you have to realize when his situation is too toxic and needs to end. You need to stop helping him and start helping yourself. Please pick up my book Hope Street, it is my memoir of my life with an addict and I truly believe it will help you.
Amanda Andruzzi, Hope Street, a moot from the wife of an addict.
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com
View the video trailer on YouTube

Amanda Andruzzi
6:00 pm August 20th, 2015

Silvia,
I just reread your old post. You have come a long way. I am just so glad you were able to overcome so many obstacles. I’m really happy that my book was able to help you with this process. Wow, what an amazing post you just wrote and I thank you for sharing because each story of triumph is inspirational and you are an inspiration. You not only battled your own demons but you let go of someone that was toxic and you came out of the other side better for it. This is not an easy process so be grateful for this. Please keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi

Lady
6:00 am August 22nd, 2015

The first time around with him, loss of licence, I had way more than enought love money care home support but no knowledge of meth…it is evil thru and thru…run. Like one guy said run the other way. But no I am tough, I can handle what ever this may be…he is …so we go to treatment, on and on a year. Day out his mother gives him a bag of pot and a beer when we stopped by to celebrate. Hmmmm. I lived next door to her. Then after care, his loss of driving priv. so another year supporting etc. Ha, used, a theft from my house alot of my stuff and oh the money I had not been keeping track of , his bestfriend and brother had to tell me. Well,I can forgive that, it is just the drug. Next go around. My brother had died then father. Again, support on and on ..oh my entire house robbed of any thihg of value. Of course he got by with it he is a master. Very high IQ oh and I now see his mother again, buying a new car investing in a new company for him ,she will name it and buy another place I imagine. This last home, I worked so hard on, she took away, he was caught receiving stolen property, so she sells it…and takes him home with her, her little puppet. He is wrapped around her finger it is appaling…he is fifty years old. Man the last girlfrined killed herself after her last eve with him. Many have died crossing paths with this guy. What is next up his sleve…true evil and mom is helping these yourng girls join in the party at the house she gives him, pays utilityies and buys him food. ???? Who does this??Meth…why, to own him.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:44 pm August 24th, 2015

Lady,
This is all enabling. His mother may be an addict or simply feel it is her responsibility to help her son and she doesn’t want to make him unhappy but everyone around him enables him so there is no need for him to change. I would move on and away if you can, you need to start your life over without these people in it.
Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Natalie
7:44 pm August 24th, 2015

What happened to my life? For the past seven years I have been involved with an alcoholic. Prior to meeting him, I worked out, was a national fitness competitor and was happy. When I met this guy….we’ll call him Tony… he was sincere, helpful, funny…not the brightest person but fun loving. Anyways, I worked in the case management field and was very consumed with work. When Tony would tell me he was “doing a job” (he owned his own business along with working a full time job) I believed him. Not knowing that he was frequenting bars, excessive drinking, etc. When I found out all the lies he was telling me, using “doing a job” as a reason to be out of control and I caught on that is when my life began spiraling downhill. He would stand me up, leave me behind, lie constantly, flirt with other women, blame me for everything and anything, steal from me and others, we would have plans…no call no show, groom elderly men at the bar–befriending them and taking advantage of them by manipulation tactics, etc.
Eventually it got so bad that Tony blamed me for everything that was going on at his full time job. He was being investigated as he works as a maintenance person for an Adult Foster home. The allegations were that of stealing and other unethical behaviors. He blamed ME for squealing on him and reporting him and he left. Well two months later he came back. Then two months later he left again blaming me yet again. Then he returned with promises, tears, just more lies. He had the audacity to tell me when I was sitting across from him that while we were apart he was going home with other women and sleeping on their couches. That he did not have sex with them and that one of them was 30 years old and was “beautiful.” JAW DROPPING and HURTFUL.
Please don’t judge me. This Tony is 50 years old and lives at home with his alcoholic mother. In 2008 he told me “I moved in with my mother after my dad died to help her out.” With that, Tony has a son who was 12 years of age in 2008. To this day the son still resides in the home. Tony continuing to reside there as well. The mother and Tony at times ganging up on me and attacking me verbally.
PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS.

Natalie
7:56 pm August 24th, 2015

I will add this. I am college educated. 3 degrees. However, it means nothing when it comes to life smarts when you have NOT been around someone who is an addict. So much alcohol. So many lies. Always having to stop at the bar “to collect $50 from Johnny.” Although I can’t prove it, I believe Tony stole $60 from my son’s piggy bank when Tony was unemployed so he could drink. Currently he is grooming an elderly man who is widowed. Taking insurance money from him, getting on the deed to his home, trying to get him to give Tony his car. However, this elderly guy is an alcoholic as well.
I work full time and then some. 3 jobs. Live on my own and raise my son. Purchasing my first home at the age of 46. Tony made promises to “move forward” with me. Still residing with his mama and drinking excessively. Waivers back and forth stating he has a problem then says he doesn’t. Can’t hold a “real” job. Punches the clock at work then leaves. They have no idea what he is doing. I want out. I don’t want to cry and feel this way. I used to stand on stage in front of thousands of people and throw tricks that no one would think of. WHY CAN’T I GET OUT OF THIS??

Cathy
10:21 am August 29th, 2015

inhave been trying to break free from my marriage for several years now, my husband of 21 years struggles with chemical addiction. After 4 years of working a program for co depend act with an addict I was finally able to let him go. After releasing him from my unhealthy attachment and need I told him I loved him and was afraid he would die if he didn’t get help wished him luck said I would be there if he chose help and then kicked him out. He chose help checked into rehab a week later… Unfortunately due to insurance and funding he was only able to get 14 days of treatment… But in that time got a sponsor and worked a hard program which he continued when he came home. I was supportive and thrilled to see his dedication a meeting everday sometimes two working the steps getting farther then ever before in the lastn10 years of trying and failing. Saw so much improvemt and accountability I started to feel safe….. Now the relapse … Emotional, mental perhaps even physical ( think he diluted his urine enough to pass his test) time will tell … And I’m ready to be done… When I finally got the courage to let him go and let God I took a leap of faith that I would be ok somehow financially after years of being held hostage by his financial control and abuse I decided to trust and have faith… Got through got behind but he got a job and has had three pay checks …. Have so much of his debt and back bills it is overwhelming ( trigger for this relapse or potential relapse) I was feeling hopeful over time we could catch up and perhaps I could live a little rather the. Barely survive. 10’years of loss foreclosure 3 evictions and homeliness my young adult daughter forced to go on her own my teen son taken in by friends and the dog and Instaying with a client. 4 months separated from my son until I was able to rent two rooms for us in a shared house… Still defendant on some I come from my husband we fell short there too and were forced to find another place… The cheaper I could find. As well as an increase in my income… But sadly still not enough without some financial assistance like child support…. This is the only thing that keeps me trapped the slogans about
Do have a hobie etc never applies to me because I am always working and using every dime to survive and take care of my son dog and bills. My son will not move to Arizona where I have family i know inwillmlose him if I do and that has kept me here in so cal trying to make it …. Low income housing wait times 4 years I know it’s never hopeless but I cantbfind a way to do it I’m so tired of sacrificing and this selfish disease that has robbed me of all my comforts :(
I work a hard program have a sponsor and I work hard at building my dog walking business in the hopes that one day soon I can be free

Jessica
7:18 pm August 30th, 2015

So I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. I met my “husband” at church while he was in a recovery program through our church. I thought and hoped he was different and became attached to him as soon as I met him. He never really showed signs of using (at first) and we did everything together. My situation is unique because not only is he an addict but he has a rare disease that effects his muscles and he needs help in doing a lot of every day things that we take for granted. So in my mind I didn’t think he would go back to using because he needed to stay healthy to tame his disease. He always complained he was in pain and I don’t doubt he is. It killed me to watch him suffer so we went to his dr to get pills. I should have never encouraged him to do that but I didn’t know what else to do. Shortly after, we got “married”. Every time I went in the bathroom after he got out I smelled this weird burnt smell I’ve never smelt before. Every time he denied he smelled anything and said I’m just being silly. I shrugged it off for 2 months. Then we moved to our own house (had a roommate before because I was our only source of income). He got 2 jobs and slowly started to help me out.I continued to smell a weird smell every time he left the bathroom. Every time I asked he kept telling me he didn’t know what I was talking about. At this point I got a really weird feeling and I looked further into it. There’s a window with curtains in our bathroom so I pulled the curtains up just high enough I could see in. Sure enough, the next time he “had to go to the bathroom ” I watched him light up through the cracked window. The image of him using will forever be scarred into my brain. I knocked on the door and said you almost done?? He took forever to answer but finally opened the door. The look on his face I will also never forget but he still denied it. Even after I told him I saw through the window he claimed he was snorting a muscle relaxer pill for his disease. I pretended to believe and I drove him to work. I texted him to let him know I was going to pick him up and he said to take my time because his friend was bringing him more “muscle relaxer pills” so I told him I wasn’t stupid and caught on to his reforming habit and so he could tell his friend to take him to his house and stay with him. Now he keeps blowing up my phone and trying to make me feel bad for kicking him out of “our” house (even though I pay for rent). I’m bringing his stuff to him today (with my mom so not alone with him) but it still doesn’t make it any less difficult to ignore him and allow him to be on his own with his addiction. He is trying to manipulate me and allow him back into my house but I won’t cave in. So my question is now what? Where do I go from here? Will I suffer with this awful feeling of guilt/betrayal from him forever? I looked into going into al anon. There’s a class tomorrow but I’m scared someone there will know me and everyone will find out that I continued enabling him and look down on me.

Brittany
8:38 pm August 30th, 2015

My fiancé of four years was an addict. He had done crack, smoked marijuana, and spice that I knew of. He was clean from October to July. Three weeks before we were supposed to finally move into our apartment after two years of long distance. He relapsed spent two weeks house sitting and started spice again sometime in there. I had given so much of myself to this relationship loved him so much my first love my first everything. I tried staying again through this third relapse during our relationship. He got into a serious accident and still kept smoking spice even after he almost died. I said to myself enough is enough even though I still loved him and love him still I had to end it. He needs serious help I can’t give him and he doesn’t seem to even want to quit for himself. I have tried to stay away and out of touch. I am so hurt that he hasn’t even tried to contact me even though I have tried reaching out. I just want to stop but I can’t seem to let go. His mom even had the odacity to try and blame me because I didn’t tell her her son was using again as if she could stop it. It really hurt though like it was all on me that he got in some terrible accident because I didn’t tell her when I am sure she knew the same day I did. She kicked him out the day after I left. He doesn’t seem to want me back. I got out of the apartment I didn’t do it to hurt him. I did it because I was saving myself from him taking me down with him. I still haven’t heard anything from him just from family members how he is doing. It hurts like he never loved me. He doesn’t even seem to want me back. I quit my job and got another one closer to him and this is how he repays me. Why can’t I let him go? Why won’t he try and talk to me or at least apologize to me? I’ve been dealing with this far too long and know I deserve better :( please help no one I know has really been through this before

Amanda Andruzzi
1:56 am August 31st, 2015

Natalie,
You can get out of this. You have to make a choice and then cut him off and do everything in your power to stop contact with him. Then make another choice to move forward toward a happier and more peaceful life for you and your child. But you have to do the work and get some help. Support groups, therapy, mediation, distractions, exercise, doing anything you used to love to keep you from going back to that place. Please click on my name here, Amanda Andruzzi and all of my other articles will come up that will have some great tips to help you. You know what you need to do, deep down inside, it has just been clouded by the insanity of addiction. I hope this helps.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

joey
2:43 am September 1st, 2015

My wife is addicted t o pot and pills. We have 2 young boys, she has 2 teenage boys who are drinking , using pot and pills also. It started with diet pills and pot, and has progressed to other things. I dont know how to help her, she only has a mother that has her own major issues with health and meds. She feels alone since her dad passed in 2011. I love her , but its been 9 years we have been through so much, i feel helpless. She always goes out and leaves me with the boys. She always lies about where shes going. She says she loves me when she comes back, and acts normal or nice for a while. She blames me for being verbally abusive and days of silence, over the years because i didnt know how to cope . Esspecially because she cheated on me in 2012, i really been struggling with that. I was verballyabusive many times , cause i felt i and my boys were neglected, for she would sleep for says at a time, and i resented having to work , pay all the bills , and take care of the boys. I know i was wrong for how i treated her, so im overwelmed with guilt for that. She reminds me of it often lately.i do love her , but i always wanted her to get help, but i fear shes spiraling downwards really fast now, and she wont let anyone help her unless she gets drugs or money. Thanks for listening.

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About Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness and Hamptons SUP, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and 1 year old son on the North Fork of Long Island. More here.

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