How to let go of an addict

Letting go of an addict can occur in small steps. Learn how to start taking the focus off an addict and place it on yourself here.

4
minute read

Letting go of an addict can seem like a huge task. It helps to break it down into smaller steps, and to make steady progress towards the life you want. Here, we review practical tips and suggestions for how to let go of an addict. Then, we invite you to share more about your situation in the comments section below. We try to respond to all comments personally and promptly!

The concepts of Al-Anon

Six years before I started to consider leaving my addict partner, he had a major relapse and disappeared for the weekend. I stepped into the room of an Al-Anon meeting. I went, half-hearted, because I thought it was something I should do. I learned the terms,“let go and let God,” and “detachment,” in those meetings but I wasn’t ready to do that. I thought if I let go that I would be giving up on him. When my husband would use, I went to meetings to get away from my problems. After a few months, I stopped going.

Years later, when things were spiraling out of control in my marriage, I started to go again. I was desperately looking for answers. I saw the same people, some still living with the addict. Al-Anon teaches that you can emotionally detach from an addict while still being with them physically if they are actively using. I would never be able to accept a life with my husband if I was in recovery, and he was not. I wanted to be with him but refused to continue living with him while he was actively using.

The concepts and approaches discussed in Al-Anon were enlightening. They helped me realize that I had to put the focus on me. Even with this new refreshing insight, I felt a disconnectin the meetings. Though I realized it was not for me, I was still able to take what I needed from those rooms. I forced myself to get up and leave my husband and make a new life for myself and my daughter.  I needed to start treating codependency and behaviors associated with it.

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Letting go of an addict starts by finding help

Each co-addict will find their own journey in the recovery process—some will utilize Al-Anon, psychotherapy, the support of family and friends, uncover strength, or sometimes the addict leaves and gives them no choice but to move on. Others will lose their homes, their savings, and go into debt before being able to walk through the door of recovery. Recovery is a journey—the following are a few skills to help start letting go of the addict and bring you back to center.

Techniques for letting go of the addict

Break things into small steps. No one expects for this to happen all at once. Create small, doable ways, to start taking your focus off of the addict. Here are some practical tips and suggestions for how you can start doing this:

1. Before contemplating separating yourself emotionally or physically from the addict, find a support network. This can be a community group, friends, family members or anyone who is aware of your situation and will be there to help support you. Pick a group or someone who inspires you. When you leave a conversation with your support of choice you should feel better, less afraid and more motivated.

2. Create a list, mentally, or an actual list of actions you know you need to change. Pick things that will stop you from becoming engulfed in what the addict is doing wrong. For example, the next time the addict is out “using,” do not call them, instead talk to your support person and refrain from trying to get them home or get them help.

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3. Every time you slip up on your list, do not beat yourself up. Self-love and care is something you need more than ever. If you had it to begin with, things may have not progressed to this point.

4. Find activities that you enjoy which don’t involve the addict. Force yourself to start doing them! Take a walk, breathe deeply, take a bath,read a novel, see a movie, or anything you used to enjoy before your life became unmanageable.

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5. Walk Away! Instead of arguing with the addict, force yourself to leave an unhealthy discussion you know will only escalate and get you upset.

6. Visualize the life you want and the life you can have if addiction was not part of it. Write it down and say it to yourself every day. Every single day when you get out of bed.

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You may feel like a fraud at first, but slowly, these actions will give you an emotional detachment you didn’t think you could have. You will actually feel less affected and consumed by what the addict is doing. In the beginning, this may be forced, but when you find joy or can culminate a genuine laugh again,you are on the road to letting go.

Letting go of an addict: questions and situations

If you’re struggling at the moment in your life with an addict, you are not alone! Please leave us your questions or need for help in the comments section below. We do our best to support you and will answer you personally and promptly.

About the author
Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.

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  1. Hi: I am the mother of two sons in their forties. One is an alcoholic who once did drugs, and the other is an alcoholic who smokes pot and drinks. They live in another state, and our family is so fragmented i haven’t seen them in 15 years, though I’ve dealt with them long distance. i left my home and moved somewhere else in the 90’s because everybody in my house was stoned except me. It has been an uphill battle with them since they were 12 and 13. I have been disappointed, lied to, cast aside, and mentally abused by my oldest son. I am now on antidepressants and seeing a Psychiatrist’s practitioner. I’ve had it with them. I’ve been disappointed my last time. i told them both I needed some space, and we might can talk in the near future. My oldest started saying i was the reason he was drinking, and how bad a parent i was. I don’t want to abandon them, but the horrors their addictions have caused me are phenomenal. My youngest son just sent me a text and blames me for everything. i am totally blind, and if i could i would drive to see them. But right now after this last argument, i cannot face the onslaught of blame and finger pointing. Do you think I’m doing the right thing by demanding some space. i don’t have the energy or desire to fix it anymore. i don’t know where to go from here. I love them, but I can’t take the roller coaster ride we’ve been on for 20-something years. I’ve begged, pleaded, lost my patience, and blamed myself for their instability. I’ve even blamed it on my disability, as stupid as that might sound. i even feel as if I’m rambling now, but I need some unbiased input. Thank you. Sharon

  2. My 35 year old addict daughter is an alcoholic and drug addict. She recently had 30 days sober, but is using again. She lied about sobriety. I was feeling hopeful, but I now want to detach and let go. I do not want to take her calls or emails. It has been a life of one relapse after another. She won’t go to meetings or do any recovery work. Every boyfriend has been a heroin addict. I feel manipulated. I try to write encouraging words, but she never does what anyone says. Is it ok not to take her calls or talk to her at all. I am fed up with her using and want to emotionally and physically be absent from her life.

  3. My Daughter of 38 is addicted to Cocain we’ve tried helping her but are now fed up with her false promises, lies and so on. We’ve paid off £16,000 worth of dete. I’ve been reading about letting go which as been very helpful but still very hard to do what worries me is when she tells me she owes the dealer money and what trouble it could cause to my family if it isn’t paid, when do you stop this ?any advice would be much appreciated

  4. I have somewhat thought that my boyfriend is doing crack or coke. But the other day I found his pipe and crack. I was so angry and was gonna take it. But instead of left it and kept checking to see if it was still there. Needles to say he needed to go for a walk. I am so devastated right now and I know what I need to do but I am scared I guess for better choice of words. I have moved across the country and left everything I know. I have given him so much money and I just can’t give him anymore. I just don’t even know where to start to steer to repair my life and leave….sighhhhh I am so sad right noe

  5. I’m married 16 years to an addict . He’s in AA nowndisclosed he needs SA. He had an affair early in marriage we reconciled. Found out more lies over last few years he’s been getting prostitutes , escorts . Claiming to be one year sober. Still lying about pornography said he stopped a year ago now just said two weeks ago. Blames me for not loving on him which made him choose affairs. I’m beat up

  6. Jeannette,
    I used to tell my daughter that her father was sick and he made bad choices and that he loved her in the only way he knew how. I would tell her this until one day she stopped asking & now she is 14 and fully aware of who her father is. I probably told her around the age of 11 what the sickness was but always with a lot of love and care and no blaming or anger. I never put that on her nor would I do that to a child. It is not their fault so letting them just have a normal childhood is your number 1 concern.

    Angelie, Lovie & Lanie & Cheryl,
    I truly believe that the work need to come from within to better ourselves so that we can be healthy enough to want to move on. The thing is, once we are happy inside and healthy, we wouldn’t want to continue on with an unhealthy person and a co-addictive, codependent relationship.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  7. I HAVE BEEN SEEING THIS GUY FOR 2 MONTHS NOW AND JUST RECENTLY I LEARNED THAT HE USES COCAINE HE WNT OFF FOR 3 DAYS AND CONFESS WHEN HE CAM EBACK THAT HE WANTED ME AND HE WANTED HELP …. THIS ISTH EFIFTH TIME HEHAS DONETHIS TO ME I CAN NOT BEWITH HIM THE LIES HURT BEAUSE MY TRUST HAVE BEEN VIOLATE DAND I FEEL HURT BECAUSE I BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND YES ESPECIALLY WITH MEN I TOLD HIM SOMETHINGS ABOUT MY PAST HE IS VERY CONIVING DECEITFUL HE IS ALOS A HABITUAL PATHLOGICAL LIAR I FEEL HURT BECAUS EI HAVE WASTED MY TIME WITH A OLDER GUY WHO SHOULD NO BETTER AND THEN HE THINKSJUST BECAUS EHE BUYS MATERIAL THINGS IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME BUT THE REALITY OF IT IS I WANTED LOVE AND I GOT BETRAYED IM VERY DIAPPOINTED I GAVE HIM ADVICE THE BEST I KNOW I EVENTOLD HIM I WOULD GO GET HIM WITH HIM. I SHOULDHAVE TOOK THE RED FLAG IN THE BEGIINING WHEN HE FIRST CONFESS TO ME ON TEX THTA HE HAD A DRUG PROBLEM AN DHE WASNT A GOOD GUY FOR SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM THEN INSTEAD OF TRYING OF TRYING TO HELP HIM OUT. I AM VERY HURT AND ANGRY AND DISGUSTED IN HIM AT HIM THI SIS MY REASON FOR LEAVING HIM I WILL WALK AWAY WITH MY HEART IN MY HAND GOD HAS A PURPOSE AND A PLAN FOR MY LIFE A BETTER MAN WILL FIND ME WITH OUT BEING A ALHOLIC OR COCAINE ADDICT

  8. My son is addicted to crack cocaine and has been for MANY years. He has an 8 year old little girl my husband and I are raising (her mother is a heroin addict and is absentee all the time). Thankfully she’s been with us since she was 10 months old and has had a safe, happy and stable environment. Her daddy has been in and out of her life for the past 8 years. When he disappears, we tell her that Daddy has been making bad decisions again and can’t be with her. We have taken her to counseling and so far the therapist has told us that she’s doing very well in spite of his inconsistencies. But we are struggling with whether or not to tell her the truth about him. He’s been in rehab multiple times and simply is not pursuing long term treatment and a recovery plan. I’m pretty sure he’s using again. And, as always, when I don’t hear from him, I tank. The worry, depression, and anxiety kick in and I don’t know how to handle it. Then, he appears again, stranded, broke, unemployed and I end up rescuing him in some form or manner. I pray every day for the strength to let go and do nothing. But it’s very hard. I know I need to – I just don’t have the courage. His daughter loves him very much and after a period of time asks consistently when she’s going to be able to see her daddy. Breaks my heart to have to tell that I just don’t know. It’s a mess. I’m new to your website and plan to read through the blogs. No doubt there will be very helpful and inspiring comments.

  9. Hi Amanda,

    I am 24 years old and have been having trouble walking away once and for all from my partner (28) of almost 2 years. He is an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine. He admitted he’s addicted to alcohol but refuses to admit he’s addicted to the other stuff. He (nothing new) is kind and has a nice heart when he is sober. Once he gets drunk, he is nasty and ruthless. He tells me to leave him when i tell him i dont accept his behavior, calls me a bitch, things are usually horrible between us.

    I know i need to leave and i’ve tried. Then i end up calling him and want to make things right. I enjoy him being somewhat normal then the cycle continues. I know it is toxic. We’ve had more bad times than good due to his behavior. The best part is, he tells me hes been unhappy for weeks and needs to step away. He tells me the spark has died. He tells me im always being obsessive trying to control him and drill into his head he shouldnt use and thats why he wants to “Step away”. He blames me for his drinking (something addicts do ofcourse). He tells me if i just was this way, he wouldn’t of acted that way.

    I have a terrible home life, living with my brother who is a drug addict and my dad who lets him stay in the house with his wife (they have a toxic relationship). i am not rich so moving out is hard. I dont want to have the unstable life that addicts bring for my life, i want a partner who is stable and healthy.

    But walking away from him once and for all is very very hard for me, even though he never picks up the phone to make things right when we fight. if it wasnt for me trying, we would probably not even be together. I don’t want to end up being in this same situation in the future because i couldnt leave, im young still. i dont want to waste my life away crying over him. but i also dont want to sleep at home, id rather sleep at his house in his bed away from my brother because hes not always bad.

    Whenever we dont talk for a while and the break up begins solidifying, im the one who calls him crying, wishing it could be enough.

    I am jealous of my friends who are getting married, happy in their relationships, enjoying things with their partner, not worrying when he will snap on them next. i feel i never can marry him, yet i dont want to leave.

  10. Hi, I don’t know if I am strong enough to let go of my addict lived in partner. We have 3 kids. And everytime he doesn have a money to buy nubain, he will find ways like look for a girl who can support his vices. He always dont go home and we keep on arguing about that. Do addicts fall in love? I am ready to let go but sometimes my heart will pull me back and say that I need to stay. Help me please

  11. Hi, I am Cheri and I just turned 62. My husband of 23 years can’t get 6 months clean. I want to leave but my credit is bad and I have a lot of furniture. I also have adult children with grandchildren living here at home. I am grateful for the articles about focusing on me and taking small steps letting my family know what my intent is. My only other option is alimony from divorce. I can’t respect or love this man physically. Please respond

  12. Lisa & Sue, it looks like a lot of damage has been done and you are caught in this vicious cycle you cannot get out of. You have to make a change, it has to come from you, it won’t come from the addict and if you continue to hope that things will change on their end, then you will continue to be disappointed. It is time to get strong and create boundaries that you adhere to or get out of the relationship. There is help for you, that is why I have written Hope Street and created all of these articles to help you stop enabling. You need to start helping yourself and focus on your mental health and well-being.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  13. Erin, the only way for you to get away is tell him he is no longer welcome at your house. If you continue to allow this behavior to go on, then I can 100% guarantee that he will continue to use you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  14. I am harboring extreme hurt and anger of the way my husbands alcohol has damaged my 23 yr old son and myself. My son self harmed and became withdrawn. He is in his own flat to escape and he won’t speak to his dad and is getting help for a serious mental health problem of low self esteem. He was aware of his dad’s drinking from the age of 16 yrs. My husband went from lager to stronger lager to Cider and then Vodka. He was sacked for bullying a colleague and is on his 2nd driving ban. He had developed blood clots and has a swollen belly. I cry everyday and feel an emotional wreck as I can’t bear what he has done and how he has absoulutely had an impact on our son who is on permanent disability. My son went to re-hab but it took my son and I years to get him to go. In all this time my son and I became mentally ill because of it. I had the Police to him last year as he suddenly became abusive. He was warned but he keeps telling me the police laughed at me and I made too much of it and wasted their time. This was one of many incidents. If I get upset he tells me to “stop blubbing” and mocks me which upsets me more and then I get angry. I have gone from being fit and managing a dog rescue to a giving that up and now suffer chronic pain from worn discs. My husband can;t take me out as he has a driving ban so I drive myself to all appointments, visits to my family and so on..all he says is ” well I cant drive can I” and brushes it under the carpet. I cant sleep but he sleeps well..around 10 hrs. I am still awake at 3 a.m. My GP can’t give me an sleeping medication as I am on Gabapentin and Tramadol for pain. My husband made a promise to me last year which he broke within 10 mins and I can’t get over it..I gave him a last chance if he didnt drink Vodka and he said he loved me and would never let me down “again”. I followed him to the corner shop and he was buying Vodka. He said he bought it to “celebrate as I had given him another chance” !! A year on I can’t get the betrayal out of my head and I make things worse by reminding him of it as I want a reaction from him…to show some emoition but he shows non and mocks me saying it was a year ago and I should forget it and all the other dreadful things he has done ..i.e. hiding Vodka behind a plant in the garden and my son catching him..the dreadful verbal abuse when under drinking as he says ” he would never touch me physically”. He cant see that the verbal abuse and raising a fist and pushing his face into mine is a massive problem for me. He plays this down ” but I would never touch you” Next day he says I make too much of it and if I cry he says i need a Dr because I threw my wedding ring away and cut up my wedding dress. I did this only to get him to try and see how his drinking has affected me. He only drinks lager down and weekends only but I am suspcious tht he sometimes has Vodka. I found a large bottle earlier this year and he made me think I was a nutcase as he said it was an old bottle. He is dull and disinterested in me and often i think his thinking is slow. Dr has told him to take Thiamine but he often goes weeks without it. I am so hurt.angry and emotional as he said my son should have just thought ” my Dad;s an alchohol let him get on with it” What sort of mentality is that?? He just seems un-affected by it and says I should shut up about it as his last drinking session was a year ago. I cant trust him or forgive him as he drank and hurt me and my son for 10 yrs.

  15. I’m struggling to figure out how to get pass the gut wrenching sadness and depression I’m going through with my drug addicted husband. He has lost his job. savings and our home & everything to follow within a couple of months. I totally depend on him as I have been battling MS for over 30 years and only receive a small disability check. I don’t know where to turn or begin

  16. My ex-boyfriend is a drug addict. He keeps trying to come back into my life and I let him back in because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t. He told me yesterday that he overdosed two months ago and before he came too he saw me. Then when he eventually came too he just kept asking for me. This really freaked me out because for as long as this has been happening I get nervous when I get a call from an unknown number because I’m afraid it’s someone calling to tell me he died. I want to be able to live my life without him because I’m not in love with him anymore, but I still care about him and just want him to be happy. I don’t know what to do.

  17. I have been living with an addict for three years now. It has been one hell of a nightmare. We are both 29 and have a 10yr old daughter. The first 8 yrs we were happy and inseperable. Paired at the hip almost literally. People were enviois of our relationship. And im not sure what happened but one day i woke up next to a stranger.At first it was minor things. I began to notice differences here and there. Then distance less communication. Started going places without me all the time .didnt care to love on me. I remember when i was so confident in his love for me it was almost like i was worry free. I knew he loved me. He started making new friends i didnt now or never met. He would always have reasons to help his friends. Very differnet from norm. He started slacking on helping with finaces. Being there period. Could careless to do family things anymore and we did those a lot. He was so different. He eventually stopped working at all. No help with finaves period. Staying gone for all night refused to answer any calls. Have no clue where he may be. And he shows no remorse or emotion when i would tell him how badly he was hurting me. I was finsing things i knew what he was doing but he would lie like a snake. I would catch him places he shouldnt be when telling me he was somewhere totally different. He became violet when i tried to set boundaries and consequences. I would beg him to move out and he refused to leave time and time again i was shit on with no regret and i was stuck with an addict. I eventually got legal and got him out but i am still not strong enough to make him stay away. He now really comes and goes as pleases. Sleeps just fine without me beside him at night. He runs around 24/7 still doesnt help with any finaces period. Has been to jail and still behaves the same. He does not care to show improvemnet or get help. And i cant let go and i know i need to for many many reasons! How do i get away

  18. Olivia,
    Please, please, please buy Hope Street. I was you at your age, naïve to the depths of addiction and wanted to believe that my love could be enough. I spent 12 years hoping things would change. YOu need to leave him alone, not just for you (because you are chasing the high you feel when you are with him) but for him if he has a chance at sobriety, I want you to get a glimpse into the future before you make any decisions because you love someone who is broken and you find it so alluring and you want to help him but truthfully this is nothing like it seems in real life. the reality of loving an addict is much different.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  19. Hi. My ex boyfriend and I broke up after three years of dating. He has been a heroin addict since we met however I did not know this right away. He’s been my first boyfriend and first love. Even after we broke up we talked every day and hungout multiple times a week. And I always assumed that when he got clean we would be able to try dating again. He never stopped loving me and vice versa. We talked about a future and he told me he was going to get better and win me back. I was always so enthralled when he talked to me like that and would just give me so much love. About a month ago he came out of rehab (where I visited him) and we’ve hung out a few times since he’s been back. He’s very different and is also acting super distant. He said he doesn’t have time for a relationship and I can be understanding of that. He now has meetings he attends multiple times a week. He has his full time job. He has a sponsor. And every day he fights the urge to use. But no matter where I’ve been in life whether I was finishing up college long distance, studying abroad, or going through some issues with my career I never wavered in the fact I loved him. Now he’s told me he can’t offer a relationship and everyone in my life has told me to leave him like he has so much baggage. However, I just love him so unconditionally it makes no sense. I’ve tried to get with a couple other guys or be outgoing and give some new guys my number (I’m only 22 and have a life ahead of me!) but I always always think of him. I stop talking to the new guy and only think about talking to him. I’m just at a loss right now. Is this relationship so damaged it can’t be fixed? Does he not have any time for me in his new life? Does he not want me in his new life? He said he can’t tell how he feels about anything which is just something I can not grasp. Any advice?

  20. Rosemary,
    It makes perfect sense that you have a hard time letting go. 29 years, he is the father of your children and I am sure there were many good times and that alone would make it hard to let anyone go. You didn’t leave him because you did not love him, you left him because you did love him but you chose to love yourself more and that is okay. It will take time, maybe even a lot of time but the more you focus on you, your children and your health and well-being, the more you may feel a new you. I went to al-anon but for me after a while I just didn’t want to dwell in the addiction world anymore. I wanted to move on and not forget about what I had been through but experience new things that would help me grow instead of how stuck I was for years. I did yoga, meditation, hiking, got my Masters, met someone else. It is not easy and it takes time but if you keep hoping for him to change secretly then you are not ready to truly move on.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  21. Hi my name is Rosemary I met my husband when I was 15 he liked to drink at the time and always worked. There would be little episodes if he was drinking if we fought that would make me nervous but for the most part we were good. Eventually we got married had 3 kid’s who are all grown now and are young adults that I am proud of. During our marriage when our kid’s were young my husband was very successful had a good job and alway’s took good care of all of us. He was a nice person who was very smart and everyone alway’s enjoyed being on his company at parties etc. As time went on he was diagnosed with type 1 diabities it was very difficult for him he had diabetic neuropathy and that’s when everything starting going downhill. He was in pain a lot and depressed. His doctor started prescribing pain meds for the pain and little by little he started drinking while taking the prescription pain killers to the point where he became a addict and alchoholic. As time went on it was very hard for him to keep a job he could always get job’s and did but could not keep them. After a while we started to have more and more financial issues and fell behind with our mortgage and eventually our home went into foreclosure for year’s. He managed to go out every single day keep crazy hours and have money to live his life style, he hocked things it was horrible to live like that always afraid to put things down and did things that I rather not mention.I always worked but I was only able to keep the lights on and buy food. He would somehow always manage to lease car’s but we dealt with repo men every few months sometimes longer it was not pleasant. He also neglected his health and was insulin dependent with no insurance so that was very stressful. He neglected himself to a point where his sugar was over one thousand and had to be hospitalized and put in CCU. There were times prior to where I would have to call 911 cause he would be in bad shape. I thought that would scare him to take care of his health and put him on the right road but it didn’t! Eventually I was forced to divorce him which he didn’t know I had to tell him cause he was so disconnected and then I left with my children and moved into a apartment. Today he is still there I know things are getting turned off electric etc. little by little and he will have to leave with no where to go.I am very sad for him and love him very much but I can’t do it anymore it took me so long to get where I am today. I have not seen him for months he has text me but I had to block him cause his texts make me sad and I’m scared for him. I pray every night for him and strength to detach but it’s really hard. I know I can’t help him. I’m sure he thinks I don’t care cause I cut him off but I do and I’m trying to get out of his way. I’ve gone to Alon for year’s met great people learned a lot and have great support with family as well. But I can’t seem to let go. I will always love him and hope if he makes his way to recovery I can see him. We divorced several months ago after being married 29 years.

  22. Sherri,
    Why do you care? You have not been able to recover from your co-addiction and really heal and move on and this process can take a long time. Do not beat yourself up about it but instead do the work to get yourself better. He is addicted to drugs and you to him and his volatile behavior. It becomes so the norm that we detox ourselves and can’t let it go even once they are gone. Explore why you were in this relationship and why you continued it for so long even though it was toxic. Therapy, some great books and soul searching will help you figure out why you were using him to deflect what you didn’t want to deal with.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  23. 7 year on/off again relationship with heroin addict BF. He walks out at least once every year. Sometimes clean and sometimes not. As this time he was using weed, smoking dabs and taking pills from smoke shops. He humiliated me for the 7th year in a row. His family hates me and always supports him. I dont use or drink. His family isnt there when hes strung out or homeless ect – its always been me. So now I feel used and defeated. I helped him 13 months ago when he had been gone for 4 months. He was strung out on dope. I moved him with me to another state. I helped/enabled him basically again. I co-signed for a car. When he started getting high on weed he said was for anxiety. Then he started hanging with people he worked with that did drugs with him. He started talking bad about me. I wasnt allowed to come to his job anymore as everyone hated me. I am now known as “crazy psycho sherri” and they all laugh at me. Including his family. The same family that told me to leave him in the street. He has his job – a place to live – a car thanks to me – friends and his family all back in his life and I have been thrown away like trash. Yet I ask myself – how long this time before heroin comes back? He has a 13 year use of heroin his drug of choice but he do any drug. He says hes clean because hes not on heroin. Why do I care? I have been through this every year for 7 years. Why do I care? Is this the norm for people who use drugs and dont ever complete full recovery? Help!

  24. To all of the posts I have not had a chance to answer in the last 2 months,
    thank you for sharing with us. I want to address all of you by addressing your co-addictive behavior with the addict. In life there are no guarantees. We cannot control anyone or the decisions they make but we can take back the power over our own lives. We can decide to make a change and do it regardless of what the addict is doing. You are co-addicted but just because the addict is stuck, you can decide you don’t want to be anymore. It is not something that happens overnight but as you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will eventually start to gravitate towards the “what ifs” like What if I leave and have peace in my home, life and with my family? or What if I could be happy again and enjoy the things I used to love or meet a new person who could really share a life with me? Those are the “what ifs” that start the journey of recovery for a co-addict. the fear of leaving is crippling and eventually that becomes replaced by the fear of what will happen if you don’t leave. You have to make a commitment to let go and focus on yourself and that happens for everyone differently and at a different point but it will happen and what makes me understand that is you are here, asking questions, searching for answers. It took me 12 long years and I wanted to share my joy with the world of what life was actually like WITHOUT THE ADDICT and that is why I wrote HOPE STREET and I hope you have a chance to read it. I wanted to help all of you with the experience that I had and let you know that the FEAR OF LEAVING MY ADDICTED HUSBAND, although it felt real, was what kept me in the relationship too long and then when I had to get out for my own sanity and safety, it was the absolute best thing that every happened to me. You are stronger than you realize, remember that and if you think leaving is hard, you have no idea how hard your life is now dealing with the addict and how much easier it will be to let go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  25. Here I am yet again, 3 years later and what did I do? I let him move back in after he got out…Big mistake, he was good to me up until he made it to home… He was just neglectful to me and unloving and I tried so hard and was so loving and good to him, but then noticed contact with old friends, the type he was not suppose to be in contact with only to be tpld he was trying to “help” them. It was then he left since I did not understand his actions. He moves out, we were on again off again, then in the last month he’s missing quite a bit at work.. We do have a child together and he is great with him but I have stopped it due to not knowing what is going on with him since his behavior is the same as what is was before.. He says he is going to get help that he just doesnt know how to make it without us. I am stil struggling with this, not sure where to turn. There is no free counseling for me in my area and I cannot afford to pay for it ugggg…I wish I could just let go, not sure why I can’t…

  26. What about when it is your child that is the addict? I have spent 10 years trying to “fix” her. Kicked out of her 3rd rehab for drinking

  27. In a relationship with a depressed suicidal alcoholic and cannabis user who was my first love 30 yrs ago,I have been trying to help him.now he says he loves me but not in love with me even though I was first person he confided in about being suicidal,he is very influenced by his best mate who is a woman he frequently socialises with as I live 100 km away,he asks I call him every night which I do and sometimes he answers and sometimes he doesn’t,he is currently seeking counselling,so hopefully will get some help,sometimes he’s like a jaskln and Hyde and it leaves me upset,some of the things he says,…don’t know what else to do

  28. Wouldn’t allow my son to live with us after gf kicked him out 40 yrs old can’t keep a job 2nd dui we raised 2 of his three children they are 16 and 18 now wonderful kids I cannot take drama anymore I’m crying my eyes out he is walking don’t know where he will go going on for ever since kids were little doesn’t have money for rehab

  29. Kim,
    Addiction is selfish but if the addict does not fully commit to sobriety then you are going to continue to see this cycle you are in. It is not your journey to take but you must take your own and start to realize that you need to care for you and your children.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  30. im so tired,emotionally, its alwzys about how i dont support him ,tell him good job.
    i cant complain about my belongings being in the pawn shop because they get trivalized as trinkets whereas he sacrificed so much, how has drinking and drugging for 18 hears considered sacrifice?,or how this time he used his money to get a roof over our heads the ultimate sacrifice, how about the 2 jobs i quit tio up and leave because of him? 6 years drug free now i am and 6 months cigarette free. i havent been the most helpful with house chores.but is that the worst a bff can do?,

  31. Hi, I’m 30 years old, full time mum to a 13 month old and 4 months pregnant. My boyfriend is addicted to cocaine. Iv loved this man since I was 16. He was my first love. We was only together 2 years but always stayed friends (with benefits) we finally got back together in 2016 once we left our old partners! He was using at weekends but I didn’t think he was as bad as I noticed once we moved in together I thought he just did it now & again, at the weekend, out with lads. Once I fell pregnant it stopped for the first 3 months of the pregnancy then he spiralled out of control but along the way he kept making false promises that he will stop etc, he’s sorry etc. Same old bull week in week out! Then I left him, pregnant and alone. 29 years old, moving back in with my mum I had nothing! He turned up one day, looked like the old him, hadn’t touched anything since I left him! I thought to myself, I love this man don’t give up on him yet. Back together everything was amazing, he wasn’t drinking or using. My daughter was around 9 months old and I finally had a girls night out, I was home early, I just felt like something was wrong & it was! He was drugged off his head looking after my daughter, crumbs of cocaine on my kitchen side, near her bottles, on the fire place! I couldn’t do this anymore my daughter needed to come first he needed to go! I finally got rid which was honestly so difficult once his manipulative ways started! Then 2 month later I find out I’m 2 months pregnant again 😩 My heart sank! He doesn’t deserve another child! We found out the sex last week as we still speak & it’s a boy! His 4th child finally the boy he’s always wanted (the other 2 are girls off 2 different women)
    He’s since been promising the same, he’s going to stop etc but he was using yesterday out with friends again! I love him so much but I do want him out my life! I can’t cope with the stress, my Babies need to come first! It’s the most hardest situation Iv been in throughout my entire life and my heart goes out to anyone else dealing with this! They’re selfish in my eyes. He doesn’t put me n his kids first he puts his drugs first!!!

  32. Candy,
    It is never easy to love an addict, there are so many ups and downs you can never get a handle on the situation. This smoke and mirrors is just part of the addiction.
    It sounds to me like your love for someone should never outweigh the safety and happiness of your children. Honestly, it was my daughter that made me move on, I refused,
    especially when things made a turn for the worse, to let her be a part of this life even if I loved the person and the person was her father. It is up to you to be strong for you and
    for them.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  33. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 in a half years. When I firstet him. He did confess to me that he was using heroin. And believe it or not all it took was for me to say. Well if u want to be with me you are going to have to leave that alone. And he did. The next year and a half was great. Regardless of him being locked up for year. I Stood by him faithfully. ( We had our moments) but nothing major. We talked about how the love we had for each other was a love like neither of us had felt for anyone else. And we promised that when he got out we was gone go above and beyond to love each other without the option of ever breaking up. Now when I finally had the money to bail him out ($7,500.00) I was so excited. And so was he. Being able to hold him and kiss him was the best feeling in the world. I was so ready. All I could think about was how beautiful our lives were going to be. And how I finally after so many years of sadness,pain and struggle. I was finally happy. Well we got home and was not long after he said he had to go somewhere. I let him take my car while I got out bedroom ready. Well he never made it back home. I knew he was on something but not sure what. When he finally came home after 2 days. He said. He jus needed time alone. So I figured that was the end of that. But I was wrong. Every week. He would leave for 2 or 3 days in a row. And we would argue. Bcuz i would tell him there is no reason for u to leave. Jus lock urself in the bedroom. Jus didn’t want to argue. But it jus got worse. He went from smoking K2 to snorting heroin . And that’s when I knew that this was something I could not compete against. A big part of me wanted to jus walk away. But I loved him so much I couldn’t jus abandoned him. When I felt he needed me. I was so confident that I could change him. But as days went by. I felt like I had failed. I always been one of those who thinks they have the capacity to fix everything. But this I jus didn’t know how? Or why? Never in my whole life had I felt so hopeless. I loved him with all of me but I was loosing him. Then when I thought reality had actually hit him. His friend gave him the opportunity to move to Kansas and work nd make good money. Well we did. And for the 2 works he was there by his leg he worked from sun up to sun down. And it was nice to see he was sober and I couldn’t b any more happier to know and feel his love again. Well when I arrived at Kansas. The same day I got there. He decided he was going to “celebrate” the fact we were together and happy in love. So he got high.and shortly after that he started going ghost on me again.but this time I knew it was out of control. when He went ghost for a whole week. Not even caring if we had food or anything. And for the past 2 years I just thinking and planning of walking away. But Im afraid hrs only gone go derprr. And then I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happens to him. Because of me leaving him with this problem. He needs me .. I keep telling myself that. I can make him change.. I don’t know why I keep staying when a big part of me wants to leave. It bad enough to go a day without food but when my children have to also suffer the consequences. Because of his addiction. That hurts me. But why do I stay, when my babies are also suffering. Not fair. All i can say now is how was I so stupid to not see the big picture from the beginning. Im so stupid. I’m the only one to blame here. Please help

  34. Tara, Amanda and Shoney,
    We feel guilt because we still love the person and don’t truly want things to end we just want them to change. But things don’t change and we don’t change and we stay in the relationship even though it is toxic. This means that there is something we need to fix if we stay in a relationship that is so unhealthy and makes us physically and emotionally ill. The guilt will go away as we get healthier and stronger and realize that the addiction is the addict’s problem and not ours. We can only lend support if the addict wants to change and most of us have tried that with no results.
    It is hard to leave when there is no closure and so many things are left unsaid but I can promise you that if you keep going back things more than likely might stay the same which should scare you more than leaving does.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  35. Hi, my name is Amanda and it has been a year and 6 months I have been with my addict. Couple months in he relapsed and I had to save his life from the od. I stayed and have chance after chance because I was in love with him. I put all my energy and love into him and not at all
    Myself. I have a anxiety disorder which only made my mental health worse and panic attacks worse was he dead when I got home from work? I finally so desperate got him into detox and now he is doing iop and on the suboxin program. During his 4 months of sobriety I found needles and i got excuses that it was old from our old apartment. I recently found a fentynal tester strip in his car and I suppose it was my breaking point. I told him to leave to avoid an argument and he wouldn’t his excuse needs to charge his phone obviously by him staying words were exchanged he ended up grabbing my hair and getting physical with me AGAIN then says he loves me and cares and I turned ice cold. I was done with chaos and emotions and my anxiety. It’s been 3 days and I haven’t heard from him. No closure. No anything. I really need some support and going to try going to al anon tomorrow.

  36. I have been separated from my marijuana addicted (yes, it is possible to be addicted to this drug), unemployed husband for three years. I have seen a lawyer (last week) to formally file for divorce. I keep flashing back to when times were good. We have a 14 year old daughter who he rarely contacts, he says, because “nothing is new”. Literally nothing has changed since I left our home with our daughter. He went to rehab, then NA and AA for a brief time before deciding that the group “made him want to use” and that he was not as bad off as the other members were. That was the only time I saw any hope of progress. I have been in al-anon for the last 8 years. I have made progress. Not once has he asked me to come back but I know that a lot of his depression stems from the breakup of our marriage. He does not communicate well, never has. We tried counseling, he would leave in a fit of rage by session 3 (his temper is really his central issue) whenever the counselor made suggestions on things he could do. I can’t go back to what our marriage was. Why do I still feel sooooo guilty??? It is incapacitating at times. Thank you.

  37. Joan,
    If you read back what you wrote, what would be the advice you would give yourself?
    It is time to let go and do this on your own. When you are ready to walk away, no looking back,
    I will still be there. In the meantime, please try some therapy for you and even an al-anon meeting. It will help you take the focus off of him and start putting it on you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  38. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years gone through hell lost friends family my kids my house over the times his been in jail twice and this last time I had to tow his crashed car from a swap move house pick up the broken blood spills left and also keep his job gather up medical support to get him released find us a new home work hard jobs only for him to use synthetic drug again and not see what his doing or the hurt his causing me or his family PLEASE HELP.

  39. Chelsea, Kimberly, Kohar and anyone else I have yet to address,
    The best advice I can give to you is to love from a distance and get your life back together. If you are truly happy and emotionally stable, you won’t want to engage with the addict anymore (different for a parent of course). There are some issues of guilt of “what ifs” and keeping contact with an addict is more about your insecurities than it has to do with anything else. You want to see if the addict really can change without you but if you have made the decision to move on then I suggest keep on moving if you can.
    Julie, I don’t know what you are asking but I can tell you it is this simple, save some money or ask for help from friends and family and get yourself out of there. It may take a little time if you have no one who will take you in with your son for a short period of time but either way it is about getting strong and learning how to stand on your own two feet.

    Debbie, If you allow it, he will keep doing it. It is the most difficult thing to watch a child live with addiction and not the same at all because you can never walk away, However, if you are feeling suicidal and your help is not really helping him but just enabling him to use which is what it sounds like you are allowed to ask him to leave. You do deserve not to have to watch him do this to himself and in fact allowing him to live off of you is actually hurting him. Please read my other article Zero Tolerance, just click on my name at the top of this article and all of my 45+ articles will appear.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  40. After a year of being engages to an addict i finally got d decision to let go. I havent seen or heard of him since a month. I expected him to come back and fight for iur love and relationship but he didnt. I hear from one of is closest friends that he quit smoking he is back to his normal life. I dnt believe since lately he used to be out of control disappearance, lies,carelessness…

  41. Thank you for the article , I left my addict in 2012 divorced him in 2017 but still keep peeking in the window , ugh .. I have a very active life without him but need to master complete detachment … I’ve gone probably a week without contact , I want to learn the tools to completely detach , he has drank for 35 years and has never been sober once .. I need to let go completely and move on .. thanks for listening .

  42. Hello,

    I was with my boyfriend for the last 4 years. I have spent so many nights wondering how I got so lost with him. One minute things are great and the next he is leaving me again. Then just as I’ve accepted it’s over he starts calling me again saying he loves and misses me. If I try to talk to him he gives me the silent treatment or makes sure to tell me how I am disturbing him. But when I’m out enjoying my life or faking it until I can make it as I’ve learned to call it he will call make me feel guilty ask me who I’m sleeping with and get me all worked up. His cocaine addiction has gotten so bad. The day he left me a month and a half ago he got paid for some claims he completed, 100,000.00 . Who knows how much he even has left. I sit and feel down wondering if I’ll ever hear from him. It’s been 6 days since our last conversation and he tells everyone he will never talk to me again. I’ve heard that so many times in four years I don’t even know how to take it seriously anymore. His family acts like I am the problem and have all shut me out and act like he isn’t sitting in his four walls doing line after line. They use him for his money so they don’t want to confront the problem. What do I do? Do I really just move on and let him go? What do I do if he does contact me? He walked out on our dog and my three kids and I this time. I need some advice that isn’t involved with either of us.

  43. Christina L,
    go with your gut, for the kids especially. if you think he is not being true to his recovery then you can always step back because it is important that the children don’t see him in that state. You will know if he is trying to pull the wool over your eyes but you do need to keep your eyes wide open. It is easy to keep getting caught in this cycle of co-addiction.
    Dena,
    I can tell you one truth; you DESERVE to be happy. It doesn’t sound like his behavior has changed since he stopped drinking.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  44. hello everyone im new here but would want to shear my testimony how the great spellcaster dr baz saved my addicted husband from drug and alcohol right now he nolonger drink or take hard drugs, i want you to help me thank dr baz course i did all i could nothing changed not until dr baz help me, are you through same challenges contact him today

  45. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and hasn’t been home since Wednesday. He messaged to say he was drunk and in a mess that was Thursday, and that he would be home Friday morning, you guessed it he didn’t come back..I have heard nothing since. I am so worried and upset…he had a letter today to start rehab. What do I do..Will he ever come back..please help.

  46. I could really use some info on steps to take to get my own place for me and my 12 year old son. My husband is an addict and he pays rent now but we are never going to do any better as long as he is using. I just want to get out on my own.

  47. My 35 year old son has had addiction problems for 15 years. (Herion and diazapam). I have one rule don’t take drugs in the house or bring them into the house. He continues to break this rule. Today I told him next time he will have to leave and I mean it this time. I am so scared of him dying,one of his friends overdosed at the weekend. I feel suicidal myself ,I don’t know what to do anymore.

  48. My son was detoxed in hospital,six weeks later went back on the drink, his wife threw him out after a blazing row, he is staying with me at the moment. and has not had any contact from his spouse in over a week, she happens to drink every night herself I feel my hands are tied and dont know what to do, I am worried about the effect this is having on their two children, if you could give me some guidance I would be grateful

  49. Amanda,

    So I got your book and read it truly amazing how every situation is the same in its own way.
    I kicked my addict boyfriend out after I caught him on the side of my house getting ready to shoot up. I snatched the needle from him he laughed at me. When he did that I was done and told him to not come back. He didn’t and that hurt so bad like why wouldn’t he ever fight for me and our kids. However he has hit his rock bottom after he left he called me and asked if I would drop him off at a rehab as he said “he couldn’t live this life any longer and needed to get help or he was going to die” he has been in rehab for 30 days now and they are talking about releasing him next week I told him he could not come back to my home. But he could come see the kids.

    So my question is do I slowly let him back into my life as I still love him or just keep him at a distance?
    Not sure how to handle any of this he has never lasted no longer than a week in rehab and admitted he would only go before, so that I would get off of his back.

  50. Hi I have been married for 24 years most of those years spent with a man addicted to icy and alcoholic! He’s been sober for 5 years after going to rehab! But I recently found out he’s been sexting and going on sugar daddy sights! He is now living in a hotel for two weeks! Blames me for everything never owns his own erratic behaviour!! I’m so angry that I supported him through his darkest days and now this?

  51. Eva,
    You don’t know what an addict does when they are using so it can’t hurt for any and all sexually transmitted diseases. I am sure you are fine but it will be a good thing to cross off your list.

    There were a great deal of questions of what to do in the event of dealing with an addict. Please read my other article, Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction, as this article has some helpful strategies on intervention, ultimatums and what to expect when you have had enough and you need this vicious cycle to end. As heart wrenching as it all is loving an addict/spouse, child, sister, parent, friend or whomever they are to you, there is a way out. If you can hold back the emotion long enough to come up with a clear plan and path for you and how you interact with your loved one and their addiction, you can find some sanity and maybe even give the addict the chance to hit bottom and figure out on their own that they need help. The many other articles I have written here, if you click on my name anywhere in this article 40+ articles will come up, that will give you strategies, plans and a clear distinction of what is enabling and what is actual support for your loved one struggling with addiction.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  52. Hello,
    I just need to know if I should get tested or what to get checked for after leaving a cocaine addict. Should it be a concern? I left him and he kept it from me very well. Unfortunately I didn’t know the signs to look out for since I never imagined he’d be a drug user! Aside from smoking marijuana. Now i learned the marijuana was the “downer” to bring him down from his cocaine high. Which is why I never in a million years would have imagine he’d be on cocaine. He ate normal he slept a lot. Therefore I’m confused but only a user knows how to manipulate these things.
    I just now am wondering if there is something I should be concerned about health wise.

  53. Hi. My fiance passed away last October and I miss him terribly. He had cirrhosis and many other health issues, some of them stemming from the cirrhosis & some life long. His death wasn’t necessarily from cirrhosis but I know it contributed. He had just turned 49 on the 5th & passed on the 8th. It was devastating. He struggled for most of his life with addiction. He tried to become sober several times but just couldn’t cope without it. It was self medication and it was very heart wrenching because he was a kind, caring, funny, smart, articulate man. It’s really a relief to know he no longer suffers inside himself. I am also healing too. I have a sense of relief for myself, I don’t worry about coming home to him being ill or passed out drunk. It certainly isn’t how I wanted it to end up but there is a reason for everything & I know God saw he was tired & took him home.
    Only advise I can give is get help for yourself, pray, pray for yourself, family & the addict.

  54. I need help leaving a drug addict as much as I am in love with this person she is emotionally killing me!!i I can’t seem to get her out of my head

  55. Aged mentally and physically sick parents living with Elder married son. And his family in very un supportive environment.
    Recently let go their younger married alcholic bipolar son in denial after trying all possible efforts of his rehab and treatment. We removed his home staying wife and four kids
    From his mortgage house to save from his abuse. They all are in sevre pain and survival mode. He has small biz which is is now going to be in liabilities soon besides other liabilities piling up plus 2 DUI approaching court dates put him no where.Last month he attempted suicide and jumped from first floor and gone through both feet heel and toe replacement surgeries. Now he is alone st home remain drunk with or without eating for days. No one contacts him and no one knows about his condition. He keep calling parents but they are restricted to respond so his voice mails sounds death like sounds last week. Both parents are very devastated and getting sevrly stressed and sick and not able to cope with the situation but trying to resist. Kindly advice and guide them what to do and how to cope with the situation. Things will get more worst in coming days too when he may run out of money, biz and thrown out of house and may go in jail. Don’t know jail
    Authorities treat him for bipolar and drug addiction???
    His family n kids are trying survive with the help of parents and elder son. They also needs advice and help to cope. Also long and dark future ahead is to face. We all are not able to attend Alanon or any other support group meetings but can get support on line or on phone, if possible. Please advice.
    Parents are at the verge of colleps and passing through double edged sword. No solution is at sight. This blog mostly represented by spouses and/or BF/GF and not enough parents like us are there so we have no support or idea where we are leading to.. Our heart goes with all who are sufferings due addictions and Alcholism. Should parents respond calls or find out his condition after let him go? As everyone in family is of the firm view to let him face the consequences and see the rock bottom to get ready to go for treatments. Mind is freaking and not working what to do. Going through restless, sleepless nightmares 24/7 needs help.. please please guide help and support, we are almost lost and collapsed.
    Why these kinds of substance allowed to be sold and used freely in USA and in the world when it destroy families daily. May God shower his mercy and blessings and cure these Desi eases and cure them and reunit everyone’s loved one again. Amen

  56. My fiancé is a drug addict,we have being together for a year and he is actively using after every two weeks .
    He is in the Aviation and travels all the time .
    Each time he comes back after a relapse ,I keep finding new emails from hook up sites from every destinations I am finding it very hard to trust him ,though he has promised me that he never cheaten on me.I am living with him
    And I don’t know how to deal with the situation because he get anger if I confront him.
    please advice .

  57. Get rid of them. I’m an addict. Not by choice. I am on suboxone and klonopin. My wife wants me to be off. She wants me to act like it’s so easy. I went through hellish abuse as a child. I don’t blame my father for my problems anymore. I do however have ptsd! I mean full fledged. I feel like I could climb in a hole somewhere to get away from the chaos. I don’t see myself stopping the klonopin. The suboxone eventually. My best advice is get rid of us. Everybody can be happy then. You won’t have to enable and you don’t have to sit around and bitch about how your life is bad because you are with an addict. Oh and by the way! Some of us take the medicine to put up with shit from people.

  58. I feel I just need to say what I went through and I might be ok. Not all of it because that takes time. But basically, he allowed himself to be a safe person to fall in love with. Once I was there, his true use and person came to the forefront. I told him I wanted to end the relationship because I couldn’t handle the swings. He convinced me it was at its worst and it would get better and the next day broke up with me. I’m angry, hurt, and sad that I wasn’t in his life at the point in time where he was his best, and because of this, I’ll never know what could truly be.

  59. Hi. I have been living like this for 3 years. 20 years ago we both did method. He had an affair, I forgave. That was 1997. Now 3 years ago he got some for Christmas eve 2012and hasn’t stopped. I have stopped but every once in awhile I’ll do some cause he begs and begs. All out kids moved out we moved into a nice home on a lake. Started method and then shooting it up. We lost the house and moved into a trailer park, then he started forgetting stuff accusing !e of stuff. His brother would come over and do it with him. He would leave his glasses and the next day after he has sept would see the glasses and accuse me of sleeping with his brother while he was sleeping. He would come home and look around the trailer park and accuse me of sleeping around because of tire tracks. I have been accused oaleeping with all our kids friends. With all his drug dealers. He stays up and works on all kinds of stuff then he misplaces it and says I stole it. Or he will finally go to sleep and when he awakes he would notice something he didnt notice before and it wouild show him I was sleeping around. Like. Drying sheets with clothes. I tasks sheeted out of dryer and bring to make grasndkids beds, a pasir of pantyies would droo out, that showed him I was messing argounbd. Its all he thought about. He would leave work early cause he was worried about what I was doing and he lost his job. But its my fault. I do all this stuff Luke hide his phone steal money out his walet while we having sex just to piss him off so he will go do meth. He calls me names, says horrible things to me. Then when he is high he is nice wants sex…buys me stuff….once he sleeps its over. He thinks about everything and tell me how horrtibke I’ve treated him. Why I didn’t at with him was he was crying and hurt over what I did I tell him I didn’t do anything. He says I’m a liar and I shojd go live with my boyfriend. I don’t have one. I don’t know what to do. I’m holding on but he truly believes all this… Says I have made him not love me like he used to. I’m hurting so bad. Why would God let this happen. I have tried going to church and doing right but he tells me how bad God oa going to get me cause I do him ike this and then act holy in church he is so wrong… tonight he wanted to talk… you know I would never thought u would hurt me like this… I told him he’s hurting himself cause I haven’t done nothing. He said sorry for what is fixing to happen. So he is leaving and finding a woman to love him. Yeah everyone says let him go. But if I do and he sleeps around even if he realizes I was innocent I won’t be able to do it. I’m scared to leave cause I love him and don’t want him finding a woman. I feel like an innocent someone strapped to the table fixing to get an lethal injection for murder. And they realize I was innocent after I’m dead

  60. I have been reading these for a long time now and keep getting upset as I am going through the same thing. How do you know when enough is enough.
    Amanda I just bought your book in hopes I can find my way.

  61. When you or someone you love is struggling with an addiction, it can often feel hopeless. Addictions come in many forms, but also stem from a variety of underpinning issues. Whatever the addiction pattern, the focus in counselling always begins with arresting the addiction. Once the addiction has been arrested, counselling does shift to addressing underlying issues that have been masked by the addiction.

  62. How do I help my son off 32
    How get trust back
    Has addiction and want trust him
    But he still has no job and still wants hang with people that allow him to continue addiction
    Heart broken momther
    Wife wanted divorce only cuz he had bad anxiety attacks
    Been almost Year they been separated
    Now found a stupid thing do

  63. I am the ex husband of an ex wife and she is currently in rehab for alcoholism. I will cut to the Chase. I am so conflicted. While in my heart I want her to succeed so she and I can have a normal relationship albeit as exes, I need her to be well so she can have a productive and loving relationship with our 15 year old daughter. But knowing her for 20 years and experiencing her lies and manipulation I fear that she will not be honest with the therapists at the rehab and thus not get the help she needs. I have considered writing a letter to her therapists at the rehab to explain things to them. I am also considering writing a letter to her while she is there. Is this appropriate? Will it help at all? Please feel free to respond. Thank you.

  64. I have been an addict from age 14 till now and i am almodt 30 so thats 16 years. A years ago i got residencial treatment for the first time ever and after a month and a half i left to be with my fiance and shortly after relapsed. I have bren with him for over 3 years and started out using together. He is 15 years older than me and has been an addict longer than i am old. For the past year i have regretted leaving and i feel strongly that going back is what god has planned for me(i have been saved and building a relationship with jesus for only 2 years now) i love my fiance more than i can explain and it breaks my heart to imagine losing him. My problem is that he is in major denial and refuses to join me on our recovery process. I know the only chance we have is if he goles to the mens facility while i go to the womens. I need help please. In the past his refusal to go has kept me suffering in addiction and i dont want to keep doing this cycle

  65. Hi, my brother is getting more and more addicted towards marijuana use and I am studying in the other city. Daily I got the information that he is not returning home timely and disturbing my parents excessively in terms of emotions and they started crying sometimes because of thinking about his future .because of all this i can’t put focus a single minute in the day on the studies. On the other hand at home my parents are dying thinking about him .my future is on stake and with me the future of my family too. If I could not able to good in my studies i can’t support them .is there any way to stop him doing all these things.

  66. Hi Amanda..i came across your article whilst seeking help and understanding some sort of guidance into what to do for the best..how you explain what you have been through is only to familiar…i’m now at the stage where i feel i’m giving up hope that we will ever be a normal family..almost 12 months ago i told my partner i was done that i could no longer cope with all the misery his drug addiction was causing…we have been togther for 12 years and this has pretty much been all i am used to he uses dissappears lies cheats steals comes back says sorry everything goes ok for a while then slowly things start to go back to how it was..each time id tell myself this is the last time..but never was…my problem is when he is clean he is great he does his fair share with regards to the house he helps with the kids…i work FT and never do i not come home to a cooked tea, tidy house and happy kids…and this is what i end up focusing on…and whilst he retains doing all these positive things he still uses now and again…since i told him i was done…there has been improvement and he has probably been cleaner in the last 12months..than in the last 12 years…when he does use he says he has relapsed and that relapses are going to happen..my problem is that for so long all ive heard is excuses and lies that i just feel this is another way of trying to pull the wool over my eyes..he knows that i meant it when i told him i was done..and he feels that i dont feel the love i once had for him…i accept relapses can occur but how often do they happen before it just becomes an excuses for binging again.

  67. My wife is an addict she started on painpills and quit them or at least she says. And now smokes a lot of pot. She moved out about 3 weeks ago because she said i was too controling. And that i mentaly abuse her. Now her car is being repoed. Should i get her a car. She also left the kids with me. I admit i was mean but i am tired of her lies and drug use. Should i just let her go

  68. K, Judy, Alex, Terry, Rosie, Joyce, Susan, Ellen, Gala, Nathalie, Inga, Jamie, Susan & Suzzane,
    You are all battling addiction, the addict and fighting for the love of the person you once knew. You are not wrong for the feelings you have, there are no right answers but there are only experiences that can take you further down this dark road with the addict or lessons that can help you move on. Either way, you need to learn that you are important in all of this, as is your health and your happiness. If you cannot leave an addict and find happiness with or without them then something must be done and you are the only one who can do it. Even in the situation where a child is the addict, you can let go with love. You have to have compassion for someone who can’t help themselves and ruins their own life for the love of a drug, a high, a fake feeling. Thank God that you do not have that same struggle and detach from that person with love. You are not abandoning them, you can let them know from time to time that you pray for them and that they find recovery but you also do not have to be crippled by fear and loneliness because they are overtaking your entire life. No one deserves that.
    Amanda Andruzzi, MHP, CHC, AADP,published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  69. My fiancé who was a heroin addict and just completed rehab around 4 months ago now is drinking. He told me if I can’t accept him for who he is and his addiction then to move on. He won’t go to meetings, he won’t even try to give up alcohol. One minute he tells me he doesn’t have to drink ever again and we are his priority. Next thing I know he is telling me he will continue drinking so either I let him or move on. I am so hurt and confused and feel completely betrayed. I think i need to let him go as hard as it is. He is being so cold hearted right now. He’s not the same man I fell in love with

  70. Once you’ve detached from the addict – you’ve removed them from your home and they know that you’ve had enough, but you genuinely still love them (because they weren’t like this when you met) – is it ok to keep in contact with them? For example, to ask them how they’re doing or to let them know you’re still here for them and you still care? Obviously this wouldn’t be on a constant basis – but just the occasional reminder that someone still cares about them even though they’re hurting themselves.

  71. I need help. My drug addict husband is costing us everything. I’ve lost my son and he has taken all the TV’s in the house and sold them. I’m setting here by myself looking at walls. I have no one to help me leave or no where to go. What do I do

  72. My partner is a gambling addict and I would say poly addicted, he gambles, binge drinks every weekend, cocaine when out with certain “friends”and takes regular pain meds and sedatives for anxiety,
    We broke up last year when I called off our wedding, In reality I knew the wedding would never happen. I couldn’t sign up to a marriage with him even though on the outside looking in we were a great couple. Nobody knew of his issues only me, his family knew of his gambling but never wanted to deal with it, way before I came along 12 years ago he caused them problems, so they offloaded him to me. Looking back now, they were happy not to deal with him.
    Anyway he has wormed his way back into my life and I allowed him to. We see each other once or twice a week, I rarely enjoy it now, and when he rings or texts it usually for a loan or 20 or 50 or 100 euros. He will begin the conversation asking how I am but it always ends with a request for money or a story ending in a request or guilt trip.
    I’m so tired, emotionally drained, financially sick or helping him out, tired of the lies and manipulation, Tired of embarrassing myself justifying my shit relationship to friends and family. I know I should call it all of, I know. When I think of doing it for good, I get an overwhelming lonely feeling, I feel so upset and lost. He was my world, I did and gave him my all, literally.
    He is a lost soul, I feel he will have no one if I leave and I fear for him. I have huge guilt about not being there even though its killing me to stay. I have developed anxiety and panic attacks, even though I know I wouldnt do it, I sometimes think death is the only way to every be free of him and the pain, guilt and anxiety.
    I really feel stuck in a toxic relationship, unable to ever escape fully.
    Thank you for reading my message, I found your article helpful knowing my feelings are actually relevant. One part that hit home was the Al anon meetings when you said you couldnt envisage sitting there trying to work on staying and supporting the addict, That is how I feel bit also helpless to be brave as you to leave x

  73. My daughter’s farther has been addicted to crack coca in for about two years. I have a restraining order on him but he has got back into my life I have been trying to help him get him away from all of it but yet again he is just abusing me and he really doesn’t see what he is doing he blames me for the way he acts. I’m at the end of the road and so many times I have let go but I just keep feeling sorry for him I need help

  74. Help please I have been married to a heroin addict for ten years during that time he has completely destroyed me,my life,my sanity, my finances and my relationship with my family. I am beginning the process of finding a way to let go and leave him because i cant live like this anymore. i have some ideas so i just need to take action on them. What I a most afraid of is the actual time and moments leading up to my going. If he knows am planning this,he will make it very hard for me, he may break my thing,yell,and otherwise become violent He may hurt me he has in the past. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

  75. I have been with my alcholic for over five years. He has been to rehab several times and every time he relapses it becomes worse. I can no longer take this emotional rollercoaster. One minute he loves me, the next he’s calling me names and tells me he hates me. If I kick him out he will be homeless. He has no job and though he says he is looking for one , I see no real effort to find one. This leaves me with all the financial burden and he acts like he’s entitled to the money I work so hard for. I can’t take this much longer. I don’t even see him trying to get better. Not only is he drinking constantly, but he has diabetes and other health problems. I feel bad ( because he makes me feel that way) for wanting to kick him out but what else can I do? Yes, I go to Al-Anon but I can’t always go to the meetings.

  76. Hello, I’m 42 and have a son16 year old. I have been with a addict since the day I meet him 22 years ago. Well I didn’t know he was on drugs til 2 years later. We are totally opposite he was raised in a bad home, I was raised in a good Christian home. I found out he was doing meth so I let him go for a almost 2 yrs. He said he changed and I watched him closely. He done really good for 3 yrs and then I noticed the dilated pupils, he turns pale, the sweatiness, the shakiness and its babe this and babe that which he never calls me. To this day he still does it and I argue with him to just leave. I’m tired of living this way and its sad my son has seen his awful behavior when he is on that stuff. My thing is I feel guilty kicking him out due to he has no family and no place to go. But now I’m at my wits end. I can’t live like this no more. It’s time for me to find myself without interference of him. When he is sober he is good but when he is not I have to be ready to argue. How can I just let go of him and not look back even tho he will be on the streets.

  77. I can’t respond to my heroin/crack/spice addicted 28 year old son who is prison for 7/8th time because I’m not enabling and because he abuses the tiniest chink of weakness for the chance to take from us, either by begging, threat or actual violence. I have read everything I can find on how to avoid getting caught by him including court injunctions. BUT when he is suffering a withdrawal or suffering at all, from this addiction that even the wealthy and most educated people can’t escape from, he must just feel not only the agony of that, but also the agony that his family can’t help him, that they have abondoned him because they’re scared, he must feel unloved, despised and thrown away. I just want my son to know that I love his soul, his heart, love him, miss him, with or without drugs, I still love my son, just wish I could tell him in the knowledge that he would just accept the love, feel it. He has gone pretty far down the line now, doesn’t seem mentally the same, threatened us with knives so I can’t think how I could help more but if he died thinking we hated him or that his mum and dad just gave him away to drugs without trying more, that would be in my soul, I don’t think it’s fair that heroin dependency is a crime and not a medical issue, no one starts off addicted. I wonder if there is a drug in the world that makes you feel better than heroin and is good for you. ? This would truly be a miracle. It is not love. We all love our addicts. It must be in science? Do you think I’m stupid for thinking this? I don’t really care, I can’t think of any other way out of heroin addiction for the serial relapsers than some intervention that hasn’t been thought of yet. I believe in god but I don’t believe he will just provide safety and life for the addict if you ask him. So don’t preach at me.

  78. I have spent my entire life taking care of my mother because she is addicted to Pills and alcohol I am almost 40 I can barely handle it anymore my son who is 19 now is starting to become affected by it I have tried to walk away many times and I struggle she does not want help she always makes excuses and in the middle of her pale rage show her anyone at anytime. I have became so depressed with this the last two years have been really bad

  79. Hello,

    My addict boyfriend of many years, who I live with (he is 24 I am 26) finally took things too far. I had to get my family involved and they are not ok with me staying with him.

    We did everything together. This guy is the love of my life. My best friend. I can’t imagine how I can live without him and that is why I am posting here. In his most recent relapse he has gone off the deep end- disappeared for 3 days, took any drug he could find, etc. was EXTREMELY verbally and emotionally abusive (all through text, he would not answer the phone) .

    His family has always enabled him- and thinks of him as the “magic addict” who can just will himself better at any moment. They have pushed me aside anytime I have come to them for help until today. One of his addict friends who would NEVER talk to me reached out to me and his parents in desperation because he was so concerned for him and the state he was in and that he was driving. He drove to his regular bar where he also buys drugs.

    His parents called the police on him at the bar because they went to retrieve him and he shoved them and was extremely combative. They ultimately let him get away with all of this AGAIN after a little discussion and sent him home to “dry out” with his bad friend. They took his car and keys. After an hour or so, my boyfriend just got an uber and showed up back at our place.

    His parents told me to leave my place, because he was unapologetic and acting like he had done nothing wrong. I didn’t obey their advice immediately because I am stupid and in love. He spoke to me for about a half an hour- ending with him saying he loved me so much and was so scared I wouldn’t be there for him after rehab. Which is ridiculous because I have always been faithful. He has some very serious unfounded jealousy issues and bipolar issues and he self medicates with drugs. Hearing him say that he was even having thoughts that it might be the last time we see each other ripped me apart. I sat with him until he fell asleep very shortly after.

    I stayed in bed with him and wrote him a letter letting him know I support his healing journey 100000% but that he HAS to take it. For not only me, but for himself. I explained my love and how he has hurt me and us and how I think he has stifled his own potential. I also explained that I would be there for him- now, during, and after. My mother was so worried for my well-being and safety that she came to my house at 10:00pm and told me I had to come with her- she didn’t want me around in the morning in case he decided to be combative or decide not to go with his parents (since they havent been particularly effective in enforcing any type of treatment in the past).

    I feel SO guilty about leaving. I left a second note trying to explain that I didn’t abandon him, but that I didn’t want to be a distraction or a “reason why not” to go with his parents in the morning. Of course, 40 minutes after I left I got a text saying “I woke and you werent there.” I am SO afraid he will hate me for this. Although it already seemed I was losing him because he isn’t able to hold it together and “show up.” He said to me right before he fell asleep “nobody can save me and I will keep hurting you” and I explained that that is exactly why he needs to go to rehab.

    I can only hope he doesn’t hate me. I don’t know what else to do. I love him with all my heart and am broken to the point where I am completely not functioning. I do not see how I will ever be ok again. Especially with my last memory being kissing him and telling him I love him and him mumbling “i love you too” in his sleep. And now seeing his text is breaking me!!

    His parents said they would “get him in the morning” and I SINCERELY hope they do. And that they dont just give him a soft place to sleep and let him get away with it all over again. The cycle NEEDS to be broken.

    If you have any advice, or any hope you can offer me, it would be greatly appreciated.

  80. I have come to a point in life I know I need to take care of myself I have found myself to be so unhappy because of my husbands addictions I’m tired and overwelmed all the time i just want advise

  81. Hi,
    I am 21 and supporting my 27 yo drug addict fiancé and our puppy. I love him. I know logically that he will never change as I am finding out from his family this has been an on-again off-again sort of addiction for years. I want to believe that he will change, but I know that even his 5 yo son (whom his ex has full custody of) wasn’t enough to change for, so why will I be? I want to believe the words he says even when his actions scream strung out. I know deep inside that he will never change and that breaks my heart because I do love him so much. I don’t want him to die and I don’t want him on the streets and I don’t think I am ready to let go. I am so emotionally weak because of this ordeal, and it is effecting my family relationships, my work and my schooling. How can I let go of someone I love so dearly and want to take care of? HOW?

  82. April,
    This is a time you need to start focusing on you. I know what you have done for him, believe me I have done the same but what is happening is that you are living your life and relationship according to his addiction and now his recovery. This sounds like a typical co-addictive relationship. If he is to get better, he can’t focus on anyone but himself, addiction and recovery are very selfish processes. Remember he will be in recovery forever but if you want to him to find out who he is and get better then it would be a good idea for you to do this also. You are taking a back seat to his life, I wish someone would have told me that being with an addict, I was really making my own priorities second. I was losing my own identity. I think it would be the healthiest thing for you both to go on your own for a while. I also know that this is the last thing you want to hear so as most people here, I won’t hear back from you until you are ready to understand that this is about you too. You deserve a great partner, someone who is healthy enough to focus on you and make you happy. You can’t get this from him right now.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  83. Lana,
    I can help you only if you want to help yourself. You are stuck, I know that, I have been there. But eventually you will realize if you want things to change, YOU and ONLY YOU can change them. You need inspiration and help right now so why not get it. Go to an al-anon meeting, please pick up my book, Hope Street, keep reading all of my articles I have here. Start somewhere and then perhaps in time you will be able to find the strength to go. Start somewhere though, one day at a time, one small step at a time.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  84. My boyfriend is a recovering addict that seems to be taking this seriously. He goes to meetings all the time and works with his sponsor. I recently got in touch with a friend/recovering addict that he met in the program to ask if there are classes I should go to to better understand this process and what I should or shouldn’t do. That said person told my boyfriend about this and he got extremely upset telling me that he doesn’t need other people to know his business. After this, he told me that he is thinking he should move out on his own and that his sponsors and other people agreed. I feel like I have been nothing but supportive and loving and even giving him the space he needs. We haven’t had much “us” time and I understand it but still feel unwanted. I know that his process is a day by day thing and am fully suppprtove of him during this time. But is moving out really necessary? This is all new to me as it is to him and I’m trying to do whatever I can to make the process easier for him, but now I’m scared that this is over. He even said we aren’t broken up, just needs space and to figure himself out again. It makes sense but also doesn’t make sense.

  85. Hi,

    I am struggling with my partners addiction. He went to prison for stealing drugs and he was addicted to opioids.

    2 years into our relationship he’s on suboxone and he’s injecting it daily. He also takes xanax recreationally. He thinks it is okay because they are not class A drugs.

    He is abusive and vacant and does whatever he wants. He lies, steals from me and constantly hurts me without any care. I am trapped and I don’t have any resources to leave.

    His whole family has stopped talking to me and want to blame me rather than face the real issue.

    I’m sick of burdening my friends with the same issues when there’s only one solution (to leave.) Bit I can’t.

    He goes to the odd meeting and takes occasional drug tests just to keep everyone off his back.

    I am trying to teach myself to not care and to swallow all the things he does but it’s eating away at my soul and I am fighting everything in my power to make myself happy.

    I am very sad.

  86. Annie,
    Sometimes we look to an addict as a way to focus on their problems and avoid our own. You have succeeded in that you walked away and did not continue dating an addict but if you feel like something is lacking, why not seek help, a therapist, support group and maybe delve a little deeper and find out the real issues.

  87. Josette,
    No, No and No. Do not as Ivana said reward his behavior unless his next move is to get into a rehab. You can support him to get help but not to keep using.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  88. Jane, Have you read Hope Street? Please do if you haven’t as I believe it will really help put things into perspective for you. I wrote it to help others in our situation. I believe that the situation we put ourselves in is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Once self-love and self-respect are restored you won’t be able to tolerate this behavior and you will have no choice but to move on with your renewed sense of self and attract a healthy partner.

  89. Amber, I am hear to listen, thank you for sharing. I have 3 children and I know how hard this must be for you. Do not give up, do not buy a house with him just keep getting better and focusing on your degree and finding employment. Then you can have him removed from your home because of his drinking and your children being exposed to this. You have to call the police. You will get child support and you will be able to rebuild. Keep planning, saving and find a support group. You will heal, just give yourself the emotional room from him to do that.

  90. Bissa,
    You can’t help him, you can’t change him. If your mother blames you for his abuse then I pray that you can find yourself another living situation or at the very least make him leave. You are so young and this is not how life should be. You are a mother and I really believe that if you do not get yourself out of this things will continue on this way and escalate sooner than later. Find a support group, set yourself up to become independent and make a plan, slow and steady to extricate yourself from this situation.

  91. Patricia,
    You support her and you do not enable your son in any way. If he wants help then you can help him find it and support him in his recovery but if you take him in the addiction will just continue. You cannot change him, he has to want to change, for real.

  92. Blanca,
    You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel but you just gave yourself the opportunity to finally find out who you are and what you want out of life. You are no longer living in a toxic marriage and this can actually be scary. You feel lost and like you have no purpose. You do you were just so absorbed by him you lost it. It is your job now to find it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

  93. Donna,
    It sounds like he is manipulating you and his ex-wife and it is probably the reason why she left. It is time to use your strength and get yourself out of this toxic situation. Find support from friends, family, here and also groups that understand addicts. This is a calling for you to make a change in your life.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  94. My ex bf is an alcoholic. I didn’t know until months into the relationship. We had many good times the he would disappear for days. I have managed to not reply to his txts but I find myself looking for them even though I don’t want him? What is lacking in me?

  95. What to do when my heroine addicted brother comes home to sleep or bathe, after using? Do we accept him back into our home, do we let him do drugs and come home after he is done?

    1. Hi Josette. The line of providing care and enabling addiction is thin, so I would suggest you speak with a therapist about how to handle this. Additionally, please make sure you look into the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT). This model of family training teaches family and friends effective strategies for helping their loved one to change and for feeling better themselves. Some of the strategies for motivating change include rewarding non-using behaviors, and taking away rewards if the person uses. So, one way to approach this is to say to the person that they can come and take a shower, have a meal, or sleep over, but ONLY if they have not used before coming to your door or during their stay in your home.

  96. Dear Amanda,
    I am finding things difficult My AH partner was doing pretty well with two periods of 5 weeks sobriety and six weeks sobriety. Life is lovely for us when he is sober. But when he relapses which he did last Sunday, he becomes very abusive to me. He was shoving me around, demeaning me with verbal abuse and telling me I could not sleep in our bed (the only bed in our 1 bedroom apartment and we have no couch) Although I know it is not him but the disease in action and hard as I try not to take his abuse personally, it hurts and I feel very demeaned and humiliated. The sad thing is I was doing really well in my Al anon program and was feeling serene and happy for the first time in ages. This episode has really dragged me down. I left the apartment we share and went to stay with family. He is still drinking heavily and has shown no remorse which adds salt to my wounds. He keeps leaving drunken voicemail on my phone, acting as if nothing has happened. I try not to listen to them but I have not achieved that eventhough listening to them drags me down. He is a lovely person sober but very cruel and nasty when drunk especially on the first day of his relapse. Any advice welcome.

  97. My husband is an alcoholic, I have not been able be to leave because I have had life threatening health issues with three children no real substantial income or support system. My mom is an alcoholic as well. I am worried that I won’t be able to support my family because of my health issues. Good news I am graduating this year with a bachelors degree in business and Christian counseling and hopefully my health will stabilize soon. I got my degree online it took seven years. I detached emotionally from him atleast three years ago now but he still tries to get me to “work on” our relationship although he is still drinking. He is very selfish and just wants me to be codependent and “on the hook” again even though he doesn’t deserve it. I don’t love him like a husband more like a brother who bothers me. He works hard so I am grateful for that and I take care of all of other aspects of our life like the kids our finance and all planning. I guess I am writing because I just went through a very scary time where I almost bled to death again and I let my guard down- he tries to wear on me. Tonight his drinking really hurt me. I always have to drive and he slurs and stumbles and then he starts saying stupid crazy things.
    I lost my business and our home because of his drinking 7 years ago and we are now just getting back on our feet. We are trying to save to get another house but I am scared to buy a house with him again. How do you spend your life with someone you can not trust or be intimate with? I am just so physically tired and I have kids. I guess I just have to try to let go again. He knows what his drinking does to me but he knows I can’t leave yet so he keeps playing games. I hate him for this. He is stealing my opportunity to have a sober spouse. He won’t even leave when I ask him to leave. I have to be the one to leave. Then I think is anyone really happy in life is anyone honest is their really such thing as trust and love in a marriage or is it all just survival? Will I be worse off raising three kids in my condition? Thanks for listening

  98. Hi, I’m 17 years old with a 1 year old baby. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We live with my mother. He’s always had some beers here and there back then but now he drinks everyday. He’ll get really drunk and gets physically abusive. He doesn’t accept that he’s an alcoholic and my mom seems to be on his side all the time. Every time he tries to attack me, my mom will say it was my fault and that I’m the problem. I really want to leave my boyfriend, but I can’t leave him. He’s just making me mentally unstable. I’m getting no where when I’m with him. I used to be very successful and now I can’t even do anything by myself. How can I move on even if I don’t want to? And how can I help him if he doesn’t want help?

  99. What to do if your son’s wife sent him home after 14 years for becoming an alcoholic, they have 2 children and I worry about them, I am now 65 and live on my own question is how to cope?.

  100. Oh where do I begin…. I packed up my daughter(14) and left my AH of 18 years on Dec 19,2016 (3 months ago) I always heard that one day it clicks, and your done. Welll that statement is true. When my 14 yr old daughter (our youngest of 3 the only one at home) called me while I was out Christmas shopping and said to me ” mom, don’t come home Dads in one of his moods” I was done. I saw the DYSFUNCTION that I so long have been covering up for years. My AH recently suffered from alcoholic induced seizures, our 23 year old son found him at home bleeding from his mouth because he had bit his tongue not knowing who he was or where he was. His thiamine level had dropped so much that he was in a dimetia state of minAfter 7 days in the hospital doctors told him he had to quit drinking or he would not recognize his family. I wanted to go home, I wanted to be his care taker because that’s what I do, that’s the right thing to do right?! Take care if your sick spouse?! But, I didn’t .. I signed a year lease and moved out , our 25 year old daughter and I now live alone. He is working in himself ( trying to beat the addiction alone) says he knows the blue book, he doesn’t need meetings blah blah blah! I have good days and bad days.. it’s hard it is so very hard. I don’t know how to be alone, I don’t know who I am!? I’ve spent 17 years taking care, covering up my AH behavior and taking care of the kids that I don’t even know how to live?

  101. Hello, my AH wants a divorce because he feels that I am over reacting to his secret involvement with his children’s mother. I don’t accuse him nor do I believe that he is messing with her but his interaction is inappropriate, i.e. asking her for money. So because of me commenting on that, he says I don’t love his children. I have done nothing but treated them as my own. I am beyond hurt but I am over this treatment. I am ready to let him/this go but my heart hurts so bad right now. I want to try and reason this out with him but his use and behavior is escalating and I think he may get worse with me soon. I hate this! I thought this was my happily ever after. Instead it’s like a nightmare come true. Help!!

  102. Natalie,
    I am sorry but I don’t think any of this is your fault. You are not at the place yet where you realize that it is not your fault that he is an addict, you cannot change him,and that you can no longer support him or it will simple enable his addiction. Sometimes it takes us a long time to realize, personally it took me 12 years of this to be able to move on and realize that no effort I put in would make him change. The only effort you can offer anyone is yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  103. I have been with my husband 17 years we met young and I believe are soulmates but he has a drug addiction and I couldn’t deal with covering his mistakes any more. He brakes everything we have either on purpose or accident, it got to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore I am so angry with him and feel so guilty that I can’t help him. I really tried every thing, he says it’s my fault because I made him miserable – I went out with my friends and left him at home ( not regularly like he seems to think ) he said I never wanted to do anything with him but we could never afford to do anything because of his addiction. He doesn’t see how much I tried and care. He has now burnt his bridges with his family and his friends are all addicts which does not help. The last straw was his recent paranoia that I have cheated on him. That I had an affair with a work colleague ( who was a friend, I deleted messages because he would get the wrong idea ) but he finds anythingboossible and turns it suspicious! I feel angry he doesn’t trust me and like maybe it is my fault. I am so confused but can’t live like that anymore. He has cut up my clothes saying they are slutty. Calls me names and then turns around and blames it all on me. He went to this work colleague and threaten him and that was the last straw I left after that. It has been three months and he still thinks I left because of what he did to this work colleague but it wasn’t that it was that it all came to a head and I couldn’t do it anymore. It has got too out of control. I am trying to stay strong. I am scared he will end up dead. It makes me so so sad that he is so sad and I have ruined everything. I thought leaving night snap him into action but he has just spiralled out of control. What do I do ? Do I support him ? He is organising to go to rehab but it is just all too hard and I am so torn and confused !

  104. Ashlee,
    This is not going to stop, especially if you always forgive him with no consequences. He is taking advantage of you and his child is not your responsibility so I am sure if worse comes to worse, he will loose his custody and the child will have to stay with her mother full time. I don’t think he should be caring for a child when he is using anyway. Also most addicts don’t use infrequently so there is more to this than meets the eye. I would assume there is more going on behind your back, it is just the nature of addiction; lies, manipulating, making you feel guilty or bad, etc. Please pick up my book Hope Street so you can get a glimpse of a possible future if you stay. You need to be informed, truly educated on addiction before you decide to stick it out.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  105. Nina,
    When you let go of an addict it is difficult to stop the obsessive or co-addictive behaviors that we learned over the years being with an addict. We become so preoccupied with their problems that we lose our sense of self. If you are leaving, which you should, then you need to let go completely and let the chips fall where they may for him. It is the only way for you to be free of this so you can work on yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  106. Andrea,
    If you have not read my book, Hope Street, please do because it sounds like your story is a mirror image of mine, down to the years spent together. I think you need to understand a few things; you are not crazy, he is manipulating you with every single word that comes out of his mouth so he can continue to use, you do need to let go of him and stop obsessing over his behavior and let him deal withe consequences and you are a co-addict (addicted to an addict). I too had to face all of this in order for me to see I deserved more and so did my child.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  107. My boyfriend has a drug addiction problem but it’s not all the time. He will go months without drugs from what I know. And then I usually bust him or find something. I’ve told him I will leave him but I never do and he just makes me feel guilty somehow. It’s so complicated because he has a 7 year old that we have every other week. My parents watch her after school everyday while we work. If I left him he has no place to go at all. Before me he lived with his mother who was hospitalized 6 months ago and will not recover. So I can’t just kick him and his daughter out on the streets. I keep thinking he will stop and then time goes by and I bust him. I just don’t know what to do I feel so stuck. I love him so much but I’m only 22 and I know I deserve so much better then dealing with this the rest of my life help please.

  108. I threw out my husband of 10 years. I had been living a horrible life by his side. Mood swings, alcoholism, what i thought were mental disorders. Oy to come and find out he has been abusing cocaine for 15 years!!!- Working every which way to help him tried everything imaginable including and allowing him to humiliate me destroy me emotionally and socially. He went to jail and i stood by him until he was out helping him get back on his feet. I consider myself to be godly and i am havi g a hard time letting him go. I feel he will only get worst and it will be my fault. I find several excuses why i should call him or look for him to help him but i think it will be useless. I xould really use sime direction this is all new to me. I never knew what it was to live in this environment. Please help me!

  109. Hello – My husband and I have been together since we were 18, we’re 32 now. We’ve been married for almost 8 of those yrs & we have 2 kids. I just don’t know what to do. Our entire relationship has been a rollercoaster. I’m so tired & drained. I’m more stress than ever bc his probs are even worse now & I worry how they’re affecting our kids. He’s an addict – a highly functional alcoholic (drinks a pint or more of vodka a day plus however many beers…usually starting before he’s left work for the day/night). He smokes weed daily, has had issues with pills (vicodin mainly), coke, meth & I recently found an ecstasy pill in MY car. He lies all the time. About big stuff, small stuff, stuff that doesn’t even matter. I can’t believe a fraction of what he says. I just don’t trust him. He’s secrative with his phone. He’s cheated on me before (about 9 yrs ago) so of course I worry about that, but I feel the secrecy is more related to his drug habits than anything. I’ve gone thru his phone & seen texts about getting/doing “lines”, “bumps” & “white girl”. It’s obviously coke. I confronted him & he lied. It wasn’t until I talked to his close friend, who admitted to it, that my husband said he did it a “few” times. A half truth but at least it was some admission. I’m positive it was more than that tho. Recently I saw texts about him buying “ice cream” from some guy he just met. I looked it up & everything I could find says its slang for meth. He denied it, saying it was a good strain of weed, but from the context of the text, there’s no way that’s the case. I pointed that out to him but all he could say was “how did you remember that”. I told him he needed to get help bc I wasn’t doing this anymore. He agreed but has yet to actually do anything. I called places but they won’t take anyone in suboxone, which he also takes & refuses to stop taking. I feel like I’m letting this consume me. I’m so worried about if he’s actually at work or not (usually he’s not) or who he’s talking to & why. It’s driving me crazy. We fight so much & about everything. He is a mean drunk…mainly to me. I can do or say the smallest, most innocent thing & it’ll turn into a HUGE fight. He’s manipulative & controlling. I have no friends. I have family but I’m not as close to them as I used to be. I know they’d still be there for me though. His family even said they’d support me in whatever I do because they see it. They know how he is, even though he tells everyone I’m crazy, they know the truth. I want to leave but I do care for him. He’s hurt me so many times over the years that I just don’t feel like I love him the same as I used to. All his verbal & emotional assaults have taken a toll on me. Its hard to be that loving, compassionate woman anymore. Maybe I’m scared to just say the words to him. I’m scared of how he’ll react & the fight that’ll ensue. Maybe its because I’m attached to him. Sheesh, I’ve been with him since I was 18 after all…over 14 yrs. I know some of it is bc of financial reasons. While I do work full time, I also have a lot of student loans. He’s been working less hours meaning smaller checks, so finances are already pretty tight. Our income definitely won’t support two households, should we split. But would it be worth sacrificing my happiness, my sanity? And what about our kids? I cannot let them think this behavior is ok. I cannot let them endure the verbal abuse I have nor can I fathom them following in his footsteps.

  110. Greg,
    I know you are basically a single parent right now but that does not mean that you have to stay in this situation. You can walk away with your children and start to heal from this. Waiting home for her to find out if she is coming home at all is no kind of life. If you let her go then you will be able to move on with your children and find a new happiness. What kind of damage are you doing by staying to you and your children? By leaving you may have more responsibilities in one way but you will be able to live with some peace and find a new way to live.
    Amanda Andruzzi

  111. I have a 22 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with border line personality disorder and depression. She is also an alcoholic but refuse to admit she is. She has blamed me for pushing her away and refuses to be on depression medication or seek counseling which she has access to. She manipulates everyone into thinking she is not an addict and therefore manged to convince them of that. I will be going to my first Alanon meeting as to learn how to deal with this addiction which is now creating a strained relationship between us. I have stopped all enabling behavior and is slowly learning how to detach.

  112. I have 11&7 year olds and do not have the luxury of walking away or doing something that used to make me happy. My kids are the ONLY joy in my life but because my wife is a sex, alcohol and drug addict I can’t find any time to do anything for me. I played music for almost 40 years with various bands and miss it dearly. Unfortunately my wife’s addiction takes any nighttime activities from me. I find myself sitting at home wondering and waiting for the phone to ring and hear that she’s in jail or has killed someone on the road. I feel so bad for my kids because they love her so much and I know they will be hurt if we leave her. So here I am , 57 years old with 2 small children and an addict wife!

  113. Me the idiot again. He got out of jail and court has mandated him a year to rehab or jail. So he picked Rehab, he is back at the one he has been to 5 times now
    The lady that owns Rehab call me and said he is doing great and she knows this time he will change.(he has only been there 4 days.lol). The first week he was there he found a way to get out on a day pass and he showed up to see me unannounced. I of course allow him and I pretend for a bit that things were normal again
    But I saw myself turn into a bitch and want him gone. I was very nervous about him in my house and when he would want drugs. It’s like I’m miserable when he is around but miserable when he is gone. He is now back at Rehab I have not heard from him because he isn’t allowed to have his phone right now. Why do I keep hanging on to the hope he will change and this time will be different? He was forced to go to rehab AGAIN. I don’t think he has ever went on his own. His own mother called me the other day and said she is done dealing with him and his addiction. Why am I such an IDIOT who can’t let go?

  114. Katie,

    I am glad you were able to purge all of this here. This is the right place. I know how much it hurts to loose someone you love to addiction but you see now how negatively it is affecting your life. This is a warning sign for you and an opportunity for you to field the hurt with great support and find something healthier, a life that you want.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  115. Okay, here I go – my 59 year old boyfriend of 13 years is addicted to pot. He is totally aware of his addiction and how it has robbed him, particularly in the past two or three years. I am 53 and sober for 12 years (alcoholic). Last September I told him he has three choices – get sober and continue to live with me (I own my house), keep using and move out, or get sober and move out. I told him I could live with any of those options although either sobriety option seemed the best to me. I told him I love him but hate his addiction. After a few days of not talking to me, he asked me to make him an appointment with the addiction therapist I was seeing (I started seeing her to get myself some codependency recovery). He was seeing her once or twice a week for several months and he was great in his sobriety. Then he left for a job at a ski resort as a ski instructor. He comes home every other week for a few days. The last couple of times I had small alarms go off (like finding a lighter in his pocket when doing laundry, thinking my pillow kind of smelled like pot….) but I didn’t “confront” him — there wasn’t enough to go on (afraid I may have PTSD). Then last week after he borrowed my car, I got in it and could smell the pot that he clearly tried to cover up with fragrance. This is after five months of sobriety (well, probably less since I don’t really know when he started smoking again). I took my credit card out of his wallet that he had for emergencies and left the house for work. I have not spoken to him since and he is back at the mountain where he works. It has been one week. I really have nothing to say to him — nothing has changed since last September when I laid out his options.

    I am really sad. My heart is broken. I don’t want him to think I am abandoning him which I find ironic since I didn’t do anything wrong! He is abandoning me for his addiction. I worry about him but seriously he needs to get his sh*t together. I have tried to create a “soft landing” for him and to what avail? I am relieved that he hasn’t reached out to me because I am afraid I would cave even a little. I suspect he is not talking to me as a manipulation. In the past, I would reach out and let him a little off the hook. I know I can’t do that anymore and that I deserve more. He hasn’t held a normal job for years now and I pay all household expenses. He spends his money as soon as it is in his pocket. As I get older that scares me more and more. I hate the insecurity. I hate being alone. But I was lonely even when he was around because I was grossed out by him when he was stoned. He smelled, he was slovenly, he would brush his teeth, and he would fall asleep on the couch or bed just sprawled out like a big beached whale.

    So I guess I have finally had enough. I pray for him and worry about him, but I have a great support system and strong Christian faith. I know I can’t help him get sober. Only he can do that. I know that I deserve to be treated better. I am letting go but it is really really hard.

  116. Casey,
    This situation is not healthy for you and I doubt for your children. Even if there was some guarantee that he might have a change of heart do you want to wait around for that day and feel like this in the meantime. Someone who loves you and is the father of your children should not treat you this way nor should you accept this behavior, however, the fact that you won’t let him go says more to me about you. I understand your vulnerability, a single mother of two babies, a recently recovering addict and heartbroken, but that does not mean that you deserve what he is doing to you, quite the opposite. Honestly even if he does not love you, you are the mother of his children and he should treat you with respect. If you believe he is sick then you need to move on with your life and stop enabling his behaviors because at this point he knows that he has a revolving door with you so there is no reason for him to change.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  117. Hi. I am a recovering addict. My ex is also in recovery. He left me when he got clean. Came back and left again. He has 9 months. We have a toddler and an infant together. We were engaged to be married. He is very sick. He is clean but fills voids with sex and whatever else he can. I love him very much and all I want is for him to get better and get my family back. He continues to put me on the back burner and seek out new relationships with other women. Some are just sex. Others he claims he is or has fallen in love. He left about 6 months ago. I am still not sure why he left. He states it was because I didn’t have a program but that he loves me very much. That makes no sense to me because some of these new falling in love relationships are with addicts in active addiction and I now have a program and have completely changed my life. I have over a year clean. I attend meetings regularly. I have a sponsor. I work steps. I do service work. When ever he gets a new girlfriend he commits to them and opens up to them and is loyal to them in every way that I want him to be to me. When they leave because they don’t really care about him, he comes back to me and starts to seek out another one. When he finds her. He leaves again. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I know he is very sick and all these relationships are probably just superficial and it’s the euphoria of a new person and a way to fill the void but it really hurts and makes me feel terrible and worthless inside. I don’t ever want to or have the strength to tell him no because I do love him dearly and I honestly want to live my life with him and a part of me is scared that if I tell him no that I’ll lose that chance to be with him in the future. The girl he was just with left so he’s back in my life again. When he was with her, he stayed off the dating website he was on and was all about her. Now that he is calling me again, he’s back on the dating site and talks to me but barely. Nothing like he was when we were actually together or the way he does with these other woman. He is always seeking something other than me it seems. It hurts. Really bad. I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose hope or give up on him because I know he’s sick and I honestly am convinced if he keeps working his program, he will recover and open his eyes but waiting for him makes me feel terrible and knowing he is seeking other “something better” while I’m being honest and loyal to him is hurting me. Help please.

  118. Amber,

    There are no guarantees in life, especially with addiction. You could spend the next 10 years going through this or it could change but the key is to understand that the only person you can change is you. Nothing you do or say will resonate until the addict wants to change so these attempts to get him into recovery most likely won’t stick. He has to want it, to hit rock bottoms and know it’s recovery or death. That’s on him. I wrote Hope Street about my 12 year relationship with my husband who I met at 19 years old and decided to have a child with. I wrote this memoir to help you and others in this situation. It was the best thing I could do to give back.
    I don’t have the answers about him I only have the path I know works for you.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  119. Hello, I’ve been with my alcoholic SO for 13 years I’ve left him 5 times over the course of a year, the relationship became constant insanity. He would follow me to class, and work. Demand that I answer his calls at all times even when at work. And we have had physical altercations while he was using.4 Out of the 5 times that I left I knew I would go back to him because he promised sobriety and I would trick myself into believing him despite knowing the difference. He had gone to two outpatient programs refusing to go to an inpatient program citing that it was due to helping support us. I had a decent job at the time and we could have afforded it for 30 to 60 days. I left again on the 31st of January last year after reconciling for a mere 20 days. I have only ever wished that he would seek recovery for himself and before the relationship is ruined. I have decided to stay away living in another state with family while I contemplate the relationship and work on myself while he does the same. I have vowed to never move back there however I haven’t ended the relationship. I don’t trust him and He is aware. My entire family has been harmed by this as well as he threatend while using to harm them too. My question is this: I remember who he was when sober and I hope that he can be that person or a newly formed person in the future however I am not sure if I want to allow him back in my life after a year of sobriety but I can’t seem to let him go. I love the sober him and could love the recovered alcoholic too but I never want to go through that again. I’m having trouble coping with this please help. Also he is 32 I am 29 and we do not have children a choice due to the addiction.

  120. Rosemarie,
    I don’t know the exact process of removing someone from your home other than calling the police and letting them know he is on drugs and he will not leave. I think you might be better off checking first with your local police station to see what your options are but I agree that sometimes you just need to just let an addict go and pray for them if your attempts at support have not led them to sobriety. I would get into some type of support group for you so that you can try to heal from this and learn how to love him from a distance.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  121. My son is going in 36 and been on various drugs, I thought to give it one more try but he is giving me all my Hell, he became Insane and Rehabs is to late….what must I do to get him out of my house?

  122. Diane & Michelle,

    What you want is assurance that an addict can change but I can’t give you that, no one can. In fact even in sobriety an addict can relapse at any time. I am not saying addicts are bad, they just have a vicious disease that is one of the most difficult to treat and sustain. I can tell you that if you choose to stay with an addict you have to be prepared for this to go on and you have to love them enough to set boundaries that, if broken, you follow through with or they will know this is a revolving door. They already have a revolving door or you wouldn’t be here. Ultimately the choice is yours, an addict makes a choice to use drugs then their ability to make choices gets taken away. You have the opportunity to make a conscious choice right now, do you want to risk having this life continue with this person? I couldn’t but I can’t answer that for you. It took me 12 years to realize that though. Try reading Hope Street I wrote it to help others who find themselves in the same situation as I was.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  123. I am in a relationship with an older man who is a functional alcoholic. He is a wonderful, sweet person who works hard and does not “go out” or cause a great deal of disruption. My issue is he usually is done by early evening on most nights. If he is off work he is drinking so we talk alot about planting a garden or doing things but it never materializes. If he drinks harder liquor he can get annoying or embarrassing, which has happened a few times over the holidays. When I call him out on the drinking he can get a little rude…like say “whatever” and hang up on me. I have quit seeing him and told him he needed to go through rehab. He says he wants to but is making excuses…legitimate business reasons why he can’t go now. How long do I wait? I love this man so much..this has been alot of years invested. We are not married. He is several years older than me. Can he change his habits at his age ( over 65). I am ready for a real life.

  124. Is it possible to have a happy life with an addict? I have a boyfriend of three years. I love him dearly, and he is a very sweet person, but about three times a year he relapses. That doesn’t seem that bad, but when it happens, things go wrong very quickly. He starts selling stuff, his personality changes, he looks terrible, he spends ALL his money, and ends up in a terrible situation. I don’t help him anymore — I did in the first 9 months I was with him. Usually, what happens, is he hits bottom when he totally runs out of money and when I don’t want to see him anymore. Then, he gets clean, I forgive him, and him mother decides that since he is clean now, she will help him financially. I’ve begun to realize that even though neither me nor his mother help him when he’s using, the pattern of rescuing him from the consequences afterwards may be endless.

    ALso, it really destabilizes me and my life every time it happens. It tends to throw me into this deep sadness, where I find it hard to focus on anything, and I find it hard to even eat. Perhaps I could do better in the way I handle it, and I have gotten better, but at the same time, it is always painful.

    On the other hand, when he is sober, he is very loving and sweet.

    I told him, after the last major relapse, which was by far the worst, that in the future if he went down that path anymore, I would have to walk away. I told him I had made a promise to myself that I would do that and I wasn’t going to break it. He managed to stay clean for 8 months, which is a record, and then relapsed the day before my birthday, a week ago. This week has been really painful, and I’ve been grappling with myself a lot. I remember the promise I made, and I remember meaning it, but I have come to love him much more deeply since then. 8 months of sobriety were very good, and he treated me very well, and so, I feel cruel walking away from him now.

    On the other hand, my dad is an addict, and he has ruined my mother’s life. ANd he has gotten worse over the years, not better. He has managed to completely ruin her life and make her unhappy even though he is, at heart, a sweet person — just like my boyfriend in a way. I would hate to end up in the position my mother is in.

    I just wonder if it is possible to be happy with an addict – if it is worth trying — or if I should just walk away now, before things get too much more painful.

  125. Jackie,
    I hope you realize that you can pull him out of the crack house but he’ll just go right back again. I hope you use this as an oportunity for you to start working on you, healing and getting the best support for what you are going through to get through this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  126. Shannon,
    You are making the right and healthy choice for you. You can’t save him or be with him while he is in an addict so you are making the choice that co-addicts rarely make. Don’t second guess yourself and it seems cruel but block his calls and texts. He is broken and he has to be the one to get the help he needs.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  127. Tracee,
    That relationship shift is a fine line. Lines become blurred, feelings hurt and even though you are not together, you fall back into the same patterns. I do believe that it is in yours and his best interest to let go and move on. I think that enabling someone you love because you want to help them, you need them to get better is a natural reaction to an irrational situation. You cannot change him, he has to do this on his own, if it is even for real. I hope that makes sense. I am here if you need any help for you. You can get through this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  128. Pamela,
    Things won’t change unless you change them. It is more than likely that things will only get worse. If you continue letting him back home after he has these binges then you are only telling him that he really does not have to stop. You need to understand the nature of addiction and how serious this really is. You may have to let him go, for you and for him. I know the fear you feel but if you allow it; it will keep going on this way and can for a long, long time.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  129. David,
    I always treat a parent and child addictive relationship much differntly. This is your child and letting go is the hardest thing you can do. You will always love your child and live with a broken heart so I understand why you have tried everything. You need to stop everything which is much easier said than done. For him to get better, he needs help you can’t force on him but that he needs to hit rock bottom to realize. Enabling him is only fueling his addiction and even though he is your child he has no right to put fear into you for not supplying him with drug money. You need to get him away from your home, call the police, the psychiatric ward and have him comitted and tell him you are serious. You will not support his addiction any longer, you will only be there to support his recovery.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  130. sufyan,
    You cannot change her. You can only change your actions. To let go you have to be ready and make a commitment to cut all ties and communication. It is the only way. Addicts have a way of manipulating and pulling on our heart strings to get what they want. It won’t be easy but you need to let her go and heal.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  131. Im very frustrated and depressed my husband is using meth and heroin he don’t want to quit has left the house and living in a crack house

  132. I have been dealing with my boyfriend’s drug use for 4+ years. It was synthetic drugs at first, then alcohol and then pain killers. More recently I discovered he has been using needles. It utterly devastated me. Whereas I thought it was a choice he was making that I had the power to convince him otherwise. Now that I know its intravenous…I know i have no power and most likely neither does he. I am intentionally pushing him out of my life now. I personally don’t use drugs but for some God awful reasons I have chosen someone who does. I dont understand his addictions. I am uncertain if i have made the right choice to leave him. He messages me that his life is a failure. I feel torn inside out. Please tell me if I am making the right choice.

  133. Hey Amanda, I’m really struggling here. My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months. He told me early on that he was a 6 year sober crack cocaine addict.Had been in prison for 4.5 of those years. He’s an amazing man; he is gentle and hard working. However he is an addict. Weekend before Halloween he relapsed. At that time he told me within 12 hours. We talked, and yelled, and found more secrets and decided we could beat this together. A month later it happened again. Only when he told me, he admitted to having been doing it all along (a month). At that point he was mean, angry, asked me to leave – which I did. He apologized and you know the rest of the story. This last Sunday night, he used again. This time I was very quiet, not sure what to say. Not sure even how to deal with this at 54 years of age. This is a first for me. He again apologized but followed with “we can’t do this, my feelings have changed, I need you to let me go.” I’m devastated as the night before his words were loving, normal, meaningful. My question is, should I leave him alone? I’m not talking love here but the rule within addiction that says recovery and soberty can only work if there is no romantic relationship. In order to focus on himself and not fixing two things at once he needs me to walk right? I want to be supportive of him, but not enable. I also don’t want to be hurt anymore but change my role from girlfriend to recovery friend. Is that possible? Thank you, for your time.

  134. I need help detatching from my crack addicted fiance..the problem is we love each other and hes a funtioning addict that works and provides for us. He doesnt use everday but will go out about 8 hours every 3 to 4 weeks im so hurt and unhappy it has consumed my life by wanting him to be normal.he will disapear without warning and call crying saying hes aorry and wats to come home…please help me.

  135. I am a single parent living in Thailand with 3 children. My oldest child Son 23 yrs has had a problem with meth tablets addiction for approx 5 yrs. He does’nt work and expects me to support him. He will return to the house late at night having borrowed money then needs me to give him the money. When i refuse he throws a tantrum and acts like he is going to do some damage to the house until i give in . Sometimes he borrows money using his motor cycle as collatoral and i am forced to pay it back.
    He has been a out patient at the pychiatric hospital here for the addiction and had improved but fallen back to his old ways. Now he refuses to visit the hospital insisting he does’nt have a problem.
    I realise i am enabling him to continue his bad habits. But if i refuse to give him money i’m worried he will turn violent. My only option then would be to call the police but not sure if that will help.
    He has it in his head that since i am his father i should set him up in a bussiness . He does’nt want to work an ordinary job like anyone else. This is somebody who cannot manage money whatever i give him two days later he is back for more and has nothing to show for it.
    He has stolen from me lies constantly promising that he will get better but never does. I’m fed up i feel i need to separate myself from him .

  136. my gfvis a drug addict and she is destroying me mentally,financially and socially
    she constantly lies and is really aggressive if she dont get drugs
    i love her badly and i dont know how to chager her or how do i move on and let her go

  137. Laura,
    Have you read Hope Street? If you have not please do. It is my book and the only way I could materialize all of the hope, inspiration and understanding in one place so that I could help other co-addicts, like myself. You need to understand that none of this is personal; it is part of addiction. Moving on is and was one of the most difficult crossroads in my life but worth every single tear. Please get support and keep posting, reading and learning. I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  138. Hi Amanda, I haven’t posted on here before but just wanted to write to tell my story and to get some encouragement to keep going as this week has been a struggle for me. I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years, we have a 3 year old daughter. After a year of being together and him moving in he lost his job due to a recession and I was supporting him financially yet I would find empty bags of cocaine on him, as the years went on it would be a regular occurrence finding full or empty bags of cocaine on him (getting cleverer every time hiding them) it would turn into an argument/denial then eventually sorry ‘s and he’ll never do it again. We were almost splitting up as I was at the end of my tether when I found out I was pregnant. For the last 3 years it didn’t get much better, I ended up confiding in my parents and his, we got engaged as we had a long stint and I thought he’d changed for good, especially after having our daughter but it carried on this horrible cycle. We bought a lovely family home 7 months ago and 3 months into living in it I found hed started gambling (he wiped out my account) found cicaibe in him yet again and asked him to leave the house as he clearly needs professional help/rehab, and that even after all he’s put me throug I’d be willing to support him as breaking up my family is the last thing I wanted. It’s 4 months sice he’s been gone, he has slept with a stripper and took her out on dates!!!!!!! Asking friends for money, managed to con my dad out if £12,000 claiming it was so we could buy the house!! He has spiralled out of control and told me he isn’t an addict and isn’t willing to go to rehab. I feel as though I’m grieving for a guy that doesn’t exist anymore and it breaks my heart, most days I’m okay and feel calm without him but days I feel crap I hate, I feel scared and lonely. He has our daughter 2 nights a week but that’s with his parents being there as he’s living with them. Any advise would be much appreciated, thank you for reading x

  139. Missy,
    Please, please pick up my book Hope Street if you haven’t already. I don’t always insist on people buying it but in some cases I do. I need you to understand more about addiction and what addicts do. This is not personal, he got rid of you because he wanted to use drugs again, it is that simple. He wants to use meth all of the time and can probably only hold out for short time periods. I also need you to read the book to understand what helping him really means. There is good and bad help, help that actually helps him use and help that hurts you in the process. Being with an addict can be all consuming and we all want to believe that our addict is different but the truth is, an addict, is an addict, is an addict. Their number one priority is to use drugs. If he really wanted to become sober; you could not make him or coerce him or help him come to this decision. This decision will be because he really wants to and has hit bottom, not because you think he should. I too, loved an addict with everything I had and I think during those 12 years we were together, married, and had a child I think I tried 1,000 times harder at him being sober than he did.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  140. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and eight months now. It has been such a hard existence for me. I am a school teacher and I want to think that I am a good person. My boyfriend is a meth addict and I can’t help but love him. I am so sick and tired of all of the lies, manipulation, the secrets, hiding his phone, never being on time, not going to work, his house destroyed and me being blamed everyday for everything. He was raised right and has so much potential and doesn’t even care that he is losing everything!!!!! I am so frustrated, I cry everyday. He tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he will get better. He asked for my help and asked me to go to a meeting with him. I told him I would, I camped out at his house doing schoolwork and any one that was shady that stopped by, I got rid of. After a day of being there he told me he wasn’t going to a meeting and that we needed a break. What have I done? I have tried everything I know to try. I am mean and have ugly, harsh words for him but I don’t mean them. I am just very angry that he is choosing meth over me. I don’t know what to do and I need help!!!! Im very sad. What does it mean that he needs a break? He says that we will spend Christmas together but we have had no contact. It’s like he just fell off the face of the earth. Does he just want to be able to do whatever it is that he does without someone looking over his shoulder? I want to believe that he wants help but his actions show me differently.

  141. Gayla, Whatever it takes for you to be done with this is a good thing. If you have any feeling about things he has done and he denies it, go with your gut feeling. You have been living amongnst lies and manipulation for so long you start to doubt your own sanity. Only when he is out of your life do you start to gain some of that sanity back. It sounds like you are getting that distance. I would disconnect all ties and if you feel sometimes you have to answer the phone, I would change my number or block his call if you can. You can be happy again.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  142. Anne,
    I think it is time that you learn a little more about addiction. It is so difficult to understand why he is acting the way he does when you are taking his behavior personally. This is part of his addiction and how he has learned to do whatever it takes to keep using. If he is not allowed to see his children then things are not what he is telling you. I understand you love him, I know I loved an addict too but holding on to something that is so toxic means that we have our own issues too that we have to deal with. One week, one month, even one year is not enough time to allow him to get help and be in recovery before he should be getting into relationships. He has a lot to sort out and unless he is 100 percent comitted to sobriety he is not likely to get the right help. You can’t help him, the more you do, the more you enable him to keep using drugs.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  143. Yes it’s,me again. My ex addict is now in jail and guess for what? Yes you guess it crack cocaine. I ignore calls from jail. I admit I answer a few but it is the same song and dance. Him crying and going to change. But something is different this time. His calls actually nerve me and I told his mom on Sunday, that I no longer wanted to chat with her anymore. Because it keeps me tie to him. I have gotten so numb about him and the situation. I explained to him that I know of him cheating on me and presuming other relationships. But of course not true. But something has changed in me. He is in jail because of drugs, he flirts with other women..i feel.done with this crazy cycle with him. I actually think I would be happy if he be came some other girl issue.

  144. Hi there… My name is Anne and I’m in love with a drug user..its all new to me. We’ve been dating one year and its been very intense. At the start I was blind and did not know of his drug use. He his it from me until I found out. He distant himself from me. But we continued to see one another. Up until a few days ago. I went out with him and his friends we got in an arguement. I chased him toake sure he got home ok. I know its got worse everything has spiralled out of control. He has three kids with an ex partner too and is not allowed see them. He rang me up the next day apologised a d then we had a talk. He wants a break while he sorts himself out. He booked to see a psychologist the next day or so I’m told. Its hard to trust anything he says. I love him a d he said it was not a break up n that we are not meeting other people this is so he can get better. I suppose my question is how long should I wait around.. I said to him I would contact him in a week. I’m scared I’ll loose him that he will push me away. Obviously I don’t want this. Please help I’m taking each day as it comes but find myself crying every day I can t stop thinking about him. He has a lot going for him if he could just realise I want to help. He is a nice guy I see beyond the mistakes heart ache he has been through and most importantly beyond the drugs. Help!

  145. Confused,
    Most people don’t want brutal honesty which is what I am here to give because all of the cushions just prolong the suffering. However, I know most people are here to get help to help the addict and that is not what this is about. I am here to empower you and move on. The only way things will get better for you is if you let go. To be brutally honest, it doesn’t matter what he does or has done because you cannot change the past, only the present and the future. Do you want to keep going on this way? Don’t you realize at this point you will not change him? Do you want to wait for him to change on his own, maybe, one day???? You can change your life today, right now. That is why I wrote my book, Hope Street and I have written 45+ free articles here to give you the steps to do that.
    Just being brutally honest.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  146. Confused 16,
    He is an addict and addict’s lie, cover all bases in the event they need to manipulate people to keep using. This is not personal, even though it feels like it for you. He is an addict and addiction is selfish. You can spend the rest of your life trying to figure out why he said those things but I think you need to read Hope Street. If you have not already I think it will really help you understand what you are going through. I have been where you are. I think you need to understant what and who you are really dealing with. You also would benefit from getting help for you so that you can move on despite his actions.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  147. This is an old article but it’s the first I could relate to that I’ve found. I’m 36, have a 14 year old daughter and have been with an addict for about 6 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I love this man and I’ve tried and tried to help him because he always makes me believe he wants to stop. A little over a year ago, we had a huge fight and he left our home.. and he managed to stop drinking. He knew that was behind a good deal of our fights, and he proved he wanted to try to make it work. He came back. Now it’s the pills I can’t deal with. He cried to me earlier this year about the amount of money he was throwing away. I stood by him thru withdrawal number 4 since we’ve met. About 2 months ago, I found out he was back at it. I made him leave. We still text each other about every day. Sometimes it’s friendly, sometimes we’re complete jerks to each other. We’ve gone thru so many phases.. and yes I know the worst thing I can do is point fingers and try to force him to see it my way.. but how else do I get thru to him that he’s an amazing person but right now I can’t afford to fill my propane tank to heat my house because of the financial burden he’s caused. He knows.. I just don’t think it’s possible for him to change. He swears he stopped drinking for us, but how many chances can I possibly give? I’m just so.. hurt and pissed and confused. Brutal honesty is needed. Thanks so much!

  148. A few months ago, my x-ABF just packed up and moved out of our home with no real reason. Just got up and left and wouldn’t speak to me for a month. He left our 12 month old child and me w/ the bills that come with running a home. I noticed he had been struggling a bit, was losing his wits, drinking more. Our fighting got worse, but still couldn’t imagine he would walk out on us like that. He refused to be a father to our son, but was okay to be a father to his other children and co-parent w/ their mom. He even stayed with her a few weeks before she got him his apartment.
    He swore up and down that there was nothing going on w/ his ex. I do and don’t believe that because she seems to be even more co-dependent on him than I am. She would even tell me that she would put up with his behavior just so that he woiuld be around for the kids. His behavior consisted of drinking and driving, with the kids. Getting arrested for drunk in public and her having to pick up the children from the police station multiple times, showing up at 3am drunk at her house. Showing up at their daughter school functions drunk. Throwing up all over her backyard, etc. All this while I was crying at home pregnant.

    A few months after he left, he finally accepted that he had a problem and I convinced him to go to rehab. It took a lot of work to get him in there but I felt it was worth every second. While in rehab he would tell me he loved me, wanted to be with me, wanted to move back home, how we were going to work things out. Down to the very last day he was there! He told me he would call me the minute he was out, would come see us, etc. The day came and he never showed or called. Finally got a hold of him, he told me he was sick but assured me he would come after a few meetings the following day. The following day came and he disappeared. Never called, never showed, and never followed up. He even blocked my number from his phone. After EVERYTHING I have put up with, after everything I did and sleepless nights I spent searching rehabs, disabilities, therapists, etc. He left me hanging with our son again. It’s been two weeks now that he’s been out of rehab and I haven’t heard once from him since the day after he was out, where he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I know he is okay because I saw him on Facebook posting selfies. How could a person lie so deeply to someone that only wanted to help? Why? Why bother lying and not just walking away w/out saying all those things that made it even harder? I feel this time around is so much harder because it took a lot to open my heart up to him after he moved out. But I did, and it was the worst mistake of my life …  I don’t know what to make of things. Is he going to try to come back? What’s going to be his excuse? I am forcing myself to let go of the idea that he will reach out for the sake of our son. I know he’s not a good father, but why volunteer things like that he loves me and wants to work things out and can’t wait to come home, only to do the complete opposite. I never asked him to tell me those things!

  149. Danie,
    I can’t answer that question because each addict’s journey is different but IF he wants help and IF he gets the right help for him and/or diagnosis for underlying mental health issues and IF he is commited to sobriety and IF he changes his life and lifestyle completely in recovery and IF he stays active in a support community then he has a shot. Do you see all of these happening? You would know better than I would. My ex-husband and addict did get all of these things but I believe he never really wanted or believed he needed to stop using drugs and his underlying mental health was never properly diagnosed or treated which is why he still uses almost 20 years later.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  150. Megan,
    You really need to re-evaluate this situation. If your friend told you this story, what would you tell her? I know firsthand that addicts are manipulative and that things never are as they lead us to believe but it sounds like things in this relationship have never been really good and you were just there as long as you were okay with his drug abuse. You cannot support a person who is using; using drugs, using you and deep into his addiction. You might want to start looking at the reasons why you stayed so long because I know why I did but it took me over 12 years to figure that out and find the courage to walk away. I hope you get to read Hope Street because it sounds like this person is not going to stop using and will take you along for the ride if and when he needs you. Don’t you think you deserve more? want more? I do!
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  151. Good day ,
    I ve been living with an addict for almost the whole of 5 years. We have 3 kids together lucky for me we never got married. I asked him to leave the house as i could no longer deal with sleepless nights and being miserable. Now that we no longer seeing each other he is becoming worse hanging out with wrong friends, don’t pitch for work and you name it. My question is will he ever change his ways or when will he release he has responsibility towards his kids?
    Thank you

  152. Hi there I’m Megan, I’m 20 years old and am currently in a complicated relationship with a methamphetamine smoker.
    I met this guy on a dating site before new year ever last year. Everything seemed great when we first met he invited me to meet him at his house to go for a swim (he has an amazing water view in his back yard!) it all sounded so great, so I made my way to his house when I arrived he met me at the front door berating me with a welcoming hug. As I walk inside I can smell marijuana (weed) his mother and her boyfriend aswell as him were smoking weed bongs on the table and all I didn’t have a problem because it was only weed he says to me “damn, should have mentioned I smoke before you came over” I just told him it was okay so we made our way to the water and had a fantastic day I just wish the weed wasn’t involved. Anyway, I went home that afternoon since then we kept seeing each other a lot, New Years though he came Ronny house and picked me up in a taxi that I did pay half for though it was our choice to do so.. we got to his place had a couple of drinks and he smoked some weed (honestly it was quite a boring New Years) I stayed the night. We then about a month later after seeing each other for awhile became a couple, things were so great he was so loving. Valentine’s Day came up we just sat in his house as one of his chick friends came over to hang out with us because she was single 😒 Wasn’t the best day, though he said he would make it up to me so about a week later he surprised me with a lovely heart sliver necklace and a love letter along with some ruby earings (the earrings were his sisters he bought from her though..I’ve been told now.) that was so nice of him though I was just wishing maybe we could have gone for a nice dinner instead?..
    so then a month or so later things became quite and I wouldn’t hear from him sometimes or I’d be coming to stay for the weekend and he would say he wouldn’t be home he’s with a mate. Things were getting weird. Few months later my birthday came up he hasn’t made any plans with me or surprised me with flowers or anything like that so I just decided to go visit him for the night, I arrived and he was happy to see me and said happy birthday to me as we made our way to the bedroom (we were always in there, just sitting there!) so we sat in his room for awhile and I asked if he feels like a couple of drinks with me he said yes though apparently he didn’t have any money so I was buying. We made our way to the bottle shop and purchased drinks (well I bought everything.) went back to his place I freshened up and poured a drink as we sat in his lounge room with some music in the background we were talking and laughing then he says to me “I have a friend coming over soon” I asked why he told me “just for a bit to have a little ‘up and go’ ” I asked him no because it was my birthday, he refused and went a head with it ( back earlier in my story when I was saying thing got weird and quiet I went and visited him to ask why I haven’t heard from him, this is when he told me he smoked meth. He also looked horrible.)
    So when his friend arrived they went ahead and started smoking in front of me so I just kept drinking to try and not get upset. This wasn’t the best of birthdays. He would only be really speaking to his friend most of the night and then to give me a kiss on the cheek or hold my hand in replace of conversation.
    It all started then.

    6months later.

    So here I am now confused and hurt. Since my birthday he has smoked everyday, lost his job (try’s to work for himself as a painter. But dosnt get anywhere) he’s angry most of the time and very neglecting. I would go to his house now, to see him sitting in his room with if not 1 then about 3 different people smoking meth. And I have to sit in there just to spend time with him (so gross!.) his room is such a mess now, absolutely filthy. Clothes (clean and very dirty) everywhere, rubbish everywhere, projects he’s been tweaking on trying to make things (he also makes his own pipes now… ) it stinks, his bed and can hardly get to sleep in because there is fleas from his dog as he doesn’t look after the poor thing he is covered in fleas (I usually look after his dog sometimes though I have got my own to care for) I ask him to change the sheet if I am staying as the fleas are disguisting and very annoying. He usually has tools and other things all over his bed from tweaking so obviously he doesn’t sleep often maybe 2 days out of a week he will sleep now. He always has friends over, always. Sometimes until the morning they will stay even when I’m there so I’d have to crash on the couch most of the time even after I’ve finished a busy night at work (I work in a bar so it’s a lot of standing the last thing I’d want is to sleep on a couch.) until he comes out to wake me up earlier in the morning when his friends have gone home so I can go lay in bed most of the time with out him joining me. He looks so down and out now, his body looks weak and tired (we only have sex when he feels like it, when he’s high usually.. I don’t enjoy it much though) he also used to take steroids and go to the gym so he was once healthy looking and bulk, ate well though always has had an addiction to something. Most of the time basically all the time I need to buy everything for him, from food to dog food to mobile phone credit to weed and once have lent him $50 that I have never seen again he is always owing money, I can hardly support myself and my bills due to not wanting to see him struggling, starving and what not. I should not be responsible for this at my age and I am smart enough to know so. He is 27 I am 20, he should no better.. anyway 2 weeks ago he left to go to Sydney for a painting job he has to do, again I bought him phone credit to contact me and so I can keep him company while his gone. It’s been 2 weeks now the first week we talked a lot though ther a been a lot of arguments lately so it’s just not the same when he communicate he can hardly look at me when I’m with him at his house because his to busy chatting away to his meth friends, no more welcoming door hugs or days out on the water.. it’s all so stale now. So myself and him were invited to a friends engagement party last weekend as he was away he said he couldn’t make it though he had most of the weekend off?.. anyway we had an argument on the phone a day before the party, I attended the party with his sister and had a great time though I was trying to contact him all day that day, the next, the next day after it’s been abit over a week now that I’ve heard from him last. He hangs up on me, blocks my number, won’t accept a relationship request on facebook anymore though I know it wasn’t the argument because I didn’t say anything wrong all that happened is he got frustrated and just hung up because I said I missed him and what not. So I’ve been trying to call, text, facebook, snapchat, instagram message him for days though still nothing all I got is that my number is unblocked though still no answer. It is not the first time it’s happened either he dose this constantly though comes back with in a few days or a week with a phone call with some kind of excuse like ‘he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Or deal with any one.’ I just got sick of hearing it and I’m not waiting to hear it again if he dose call me back so after trying to contact him all week I’ve sent him this text message below :

    ” Well I don’t know what else to do, I’ve been trying to call you for almost 2weeks now. Something must have happened while your away, I just don’t know and it sucks. I actually loved you. Cared for you. Helped you. But obviously I’m just not worth the effort. I’m worth more then that. but you know what’s really sad? Is that you couldn’t even tell me how you truely felt even after I pour my heart out to you whenever I get the chance. Thanks for nothing but wasting my time. Bye.”

    So that’s the last thing I’ve said, I highly doubt he will ever talk to me but I don’t know. I’m so confused I don’t know what I’ve done I don’t why he always if or says on end or rejects my calls. I just want the guy back that I first met before I knew he did meth or any drugs.

    It’s the saddest things I’ve ever experienced..

  153. Sandra,
    If you own a home and have an income it is difficult to find completely free programs for the addict, however, if you are legally separated and the house is in your name and he shows no income, he should be able to go into the hospital today, detox and be placed in a rehab. For you, there are community programs at places like the YMCA for families of addicts that are free. You need to do a google search in your area and/or call your local family services. You all need support right now.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  154. Carla and Bernadette,
    Only you know when you have had enough. You have to make the decision based on your gut feeling, not your emotions. This whole situation is irrational and leaves you doubting your own self every day but this is an opportunity for you to get strong and start making decisions that will better your situation. If that means letting go of the addict, then you must do that. An addict will drag you down with them, with no regard for anyone but themselves because they are addicted. In order to help you and them, you have to cut the cords to the merry-go-round cycle you are both in.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  155. My husband and I have been together 6.5 years. I didnt know at first but before me he was addicted to heroin. He was clean when we met but after 1.5 years he began drinking heavily and blacking out and being abusive when drunk. I recorded him once and when he saw what he was doing he stopped drinking. Then about a year later he stole my jewelery to smoke pills. Then he got clean and went back to drinking, then got clean and relapses in smoking pills another 3 times. I feel like part of me is ready to move on, but he begged me for another chance. He put all of our belongings including our house in my name, told me to file for a dicorce so I feel safe from him and said he will get help. I am worried in leaving cause he is so depressed. I feel bad because i know not just any man would give up everything, admit he has a problem and only ask me not to leave him in return. We r separated but living together. We have 3 kids.
    Are there free or affordable programs for a wife of an addict or the addict himself? Everything i find is expensive and we dont have much money.

  156. Hi my bf is going to rehab in a few weeks, the problem is hes still using herion crack, and vallium he constantly lies about it i love him and have stood by him since day one .last wk he dissapeared for a day then lied about his whereabouts i have had enough now i have decided to walk away and get on with my life.

  157. The typical feeling I have is giving up on someone that everyone else has done the same thing too and the fact that my kids love their father . They do not see the damage as wrong but normal due to the consistency. I find it hard not to follow up the negative things in the relationship and also research to state facts. They take. He communicates understanding, but it doesn’t stop the actions that are consistently apparent.

  158. Jessica, you have to do what you have to do, for your safety and definitely for your daughter. If you don’t want the police involved then you need to leave with your child. It is your choice.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  159. My boyfriend is using herion. He brings needles into our home. I’m afraid He will get to messed up And our daughter will find It before I will. He has to go I know it but how to get him gone for good? I’ve told him over and over u got to go but he won’t leave. I do not want to get the police involved.

  160. Michelle,
    I can’t make that decision for you because whatever I say, you will end up doing what you feel even if it may not help you because everyone is DONE with their addict at a different point. I was you, I stayed and had 12 years with, a child with and married the addict, only to be left by the active addict. Please read Hope Street, I can’t tell you how many people have read it and told me it helped them understand addiction and get a glimpse into their future, therefore, changing their course with the addict in a positive way. Addiction is rarely ever done and so you must be prepared for a life of this if you decide to go back and it is not my intention to prepare you for what life is like with an addict but help you help yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  161. Donna,
    If you are living separate lives basically then it is in your best interest to provide for yourself so that you do not have to depend on him for anything. Only then will you be not only emotionally but physically independent.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  162. Gayla,
    It is normal to feel responsible for another human being, especially one who is an addict. But have you noticed a pattern, they need help, you help them and then they go right back to using. The pattern needs to be broken and they won’t be the one to do it so you have to. There are good kinds of help and bad or enabling. Please keep reading the articles I have here I have written and my book to help you distinguish between the two.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  163. Hi I need some advice my boyfriend is in Rehab for Heroin. He has been away now 8 weeks and is doing very well, the only contact I have is 5 min on a Tuesday and Friday, I feel my world has fallen apart I know his priority is to stay clean and find himself> M family y and friends what nothing to do with him and they don’t approve of our relationship due to his lies, stealing etc ect this is is not his first time going to rehab before I met him. I met him when he was clean for 2 years but caught him using 9 mths into our relationship. I love him and I know he is a beautiful soul, he didn’t deliberately try and hurt me and I have forgiven him but I want to do the right thing in my life I cant afford to waste any more time, what guarantee do I have he will stay clean I am so confused and just wish I have all the answers….he wants to see me again after he has completed his course this could be another 4mths time I am hanging onto my faith. Your advise would be helpful. Do I wait or do I let him go ?

  164. I have been living with an addict for eighteen years. I have kicked him out of my house several times over these years but end up feeling sorry for him and take him back. Once again I know he needs to leave but I just can’t get myself to go through the process of telling him to leave. I care about him, but am not in love with him. I do not let him sleep in my bed anymore and don’t miss it..The only thing I can think of why he is still here is because he pays me rent money every week. ( and I need the money)He smokes pot every day and crack a couple times a week, but totally denies it.

  165. My ex addict contact me last night and said very important I let him come over.. Because I am the only one that can help him. He is back on a heavy drug binge..i did not let him come over
    But I wake up this morning feeling guilty and worried he dud drugs last night and should I have allowed him to come over and try to help him

  166. Karen,
    I think the question you might ask yourself is why are you staying? You can leave at any time but you have to be ready. Reading my book and my articles will help prepare you but when you are ready, you can take your things and go. Emotionally, you need to be ready, but when you are you will know it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  167. Michelle, Givingup2, Dawn, Barbara, and Lisa,
    I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way to do this but I can’t. Unless you are ready to let go of this person, you will continue to run circles and justify staying. I know, I did this for 12 years with my ex-husband and addict. The hard part was that I had to take a good look at myself and understand why I refused to leave this person. It took me a long time to learn my insecurities and my lack of self-love and many childhood fears were the real reasons I felt I needed to save and hang on to a person that could not have a relationship with me. You too need to uncover your own issues. I hope you all get to read my book, Hope Street. I wrote it for all of you because it was my way of giving back and helping others heal. When you are truly ready to take that journey and let go of the addict, I am here to help you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  168. Michelle, Givingup2, Dawn and Lisa,
    I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way to do this but I can’t. Unless you are ready to let go of this person, you will continue to run circles and justify staying. I know, I did this for 12 years with my ex-husband and addict. The hard part was that I had to take a good look at myself and understand why I refused to leave this person. It took me a long time to learn my insecurities and my lack of self-love and many childhood fears were the real reasons I felt I needed to save and hang on to a person that could not have a relationship with me. You too need to uncover your own issues. I hope you all get to read my book, Hope Street. I wrote it for all of you because it was my way of giving back and helping others heal.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  169. I actually feel bad writing this… Because everything tells me to leave my husband but somehow I can’t. I don’t feel like I love him, he doesn’t provide much financially or with help around the house. He does help a little bit with our 1.5yo baby girl. I have a 15 yo daughter from a previous relationship that is staying with his father because she doesn’t like living with us due to my husband behavior. We met almost 4years ago, had a weird relationship and then got married because of our religious beliefs. I knew he sometimes used percoset and he is currently disabled. In my country it is common for people to fake some kind of mental illness or exaggerated to receive social security benefits. So at first I just thought he did that for the money… I didn’t approve that but I thought that he could re-enter work and live normally again since we got married. I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant anymore but I had my miracle daughter with him, so I thought that he must be the one chosen for me… Things got messed up very quickly. During my last term I discovered that he was addicted to Klonopin and switched Percoset for any other pain pill, he was also always complaining about cold and sinus so add that to the list of OTC taking. He had a friend who is a doctor, so Everytime he ran out of the controlled ones, he went to the doctor to get another Rx. When my baby was born I lost my job, he had a part time but all of it didn’t make it home. When I lost my income, we lost everything. He couldn’t take care of the house expenses. We got separated, I moved back with my daughter’s to my mother’s house and he went back to his grandmas. We spent 6 months separated and got back. I saw him improving, he told me he was going to look for help, he started therapy and we started working together as independent agents for a financial services company. In a couple of months we were back on track and making fair money… He agreed that I handled the money so I felt secure at first. Then I felt like a had a third children. He didn’t help around the house and I worked more at our office and at our home and the only way he would be happy was if I didn’t complain for anything. Whenever I argue about something that had to be done he used it to justify the extra pills to call the anxiety I made him feel. The psychiatrist switched to Xanax his Rx. Since July I’ve been so unhappy and depressed finding myself sometimes feeling guilty, without will to work or clean regularly. I dont love him… But his family helps us a lot when we get behind in bills or when he doesn’t have money for his meds. I feel that in some way I’m in debt with his family and don’t want to leave them with this burden. But then I want out for my happiness and my daughter’s security. He is very forgetful. Our house has gotten flooded because he goes to the bathroom and leaves the water open. I fell and bumped my head. I feel like a mess. I dont. Want anybody to visit us. I feel trapped and don’t know how to get out. Always hoping that everything will be better but deep down knowing that all I’ll get is a glimpse of “happiness” if I can remain silent and not argue.

  170. My step-son is back. I have been married 12 years. My husband is an addict to video games and alcohol. His son is an addict to video games, all drugs, cigarettes. 3x we have gone in the circle with my step-son living with us, leaving, fall off the wagon, rehab, back with us, promises. I just want to move out. I just want to not live with them. Now my step-son is 23. I have 1 son away in college. I miss him dearly. This stuff I am dealing with causes me to lose my life. How can I know when I can just move out to be by myself.?????

  171. Hi, I am a naïve woman who was with an addict for a little over 2 years. I knew that he’d had a problem with OxyContin and was with a woman whom he’d use copious amounts of drugs with. When we met he was clean (as far as I know ) and over the 2 year span and many relapses and breakups, his promises to get clean, in the end he relapsed hard, really hard. He got back in touch with that woman and they FaceTime and get together and do drugs like crazy. She smokescrack and apparently he is now doing heroine. I am now walking away and committed to this being the last relapse I endure. For some reason though I just want to think this person in some way loved me like he showed me he did. Or did he just try times while loving and missing this other woman the whole time.

  172. Been with partener 6 years this December,has been struggling with addition 5years I’ve known him,he manged to get into rehab for 4 months he was in there,came out felt great he managed to get some work at his sisters then msnged to buy a bike got a proper job borrowed some money off his mom and got a little cheap run around car I noticed he stopped going to meeting and would be mardy with me if I mentioned them also he started having power kick tablets just like before energy drinks then bk having weed with his mate before they want into the gym got his first pay slip and first thing he brought was 20 pounds worth of weed in the Monday by the Friday he was out again on his own driving round again taking cocaine didnt go to work or even call them txted me saturday morning saying he messed up then continued to stay out all day and night the saturday came back when I went to work Sunday it was strange I didn’t feel angry hurt upset nothink as just feels like a way of life I pay all the bills and have no extra money whatsoever to treat myself he lives in our mortgages house for free really he pose to give me money each week but failed the thing is how long do i give him before I leave we get on soo well I know he loves me and he can’t help it but he showing no change since been rehab apart from being clean for 3 months out of rehab but even then he smiled weed please help do i leave or stay and continue loving him u ntill he uses again ? Will he use again ?he still not going to meetings thankyou for any help goodness me I could write a story to what has gone on since I been with this loving cocaine addict boyfriend xx

  173. Hi! My husband and I been married for 8 yrs. But for all that yrs being together, the only time Ive been with him without a doubt is during our first yr.of marriage. At first, I didnt he’s addiction before we got married. He told me he has a back pain that is why he is taking medication but then it become severe back pain and lead him to take oxycontin, at first he follows on what the doctors prescribe. But then later on, he started overdosing it and he started experimenting and injecting himself. Because, I so innocent aboit drugs, I even watch him do it and accompany him to get his drugs. Because all I know is its for his back pain, I never knew that it was a dangerous drugs. He had some xrays and it says that he has bulging disc disorder. So he started taking Patch and overdosing it, he put on he’s both arms and 1 in his mouth. And by that time, he cheated to me over and over again, become sex addict with numerous girls and had few of them got pregnant. Because, I care for our kids and I dont want my kids to have a broken family(in asia we value our family) He asked for another and promised to change. He is really good in pretending, making up stories. I thought he change but still continue he’s wrong doings. Almost he’s salary goes to his drugs and he dont give me, Im a stay at home Mom and I even Homeschool my kids and I dont get any from him.
    To make story short, because of repeatedly infidelity and not coming home to us, then found out he was with his mistress. I left our place with my kids, when he comes home, were gone and he brought again hes mistress to our house and their kid together. So, I threatened him to file a complaint against them and put them to jail. He was scated, so he flew back home to his country. But after all, I still gave him a chance because, I thought he is true now. But still keep on lying to me, he lose his Job, no savings, we even ended up staying with my relatives. He’s parents spent a lot for him in helping him going to rehab and detox. In rehaj, he only last for few days. After the detox for 1 month, he kinda normal again but always complaining his back pain. Then, he went on methadone. He was fine, he able to do part time Job. But when he dont work, he just stays in his room the whole day and we dont sleep together for almost a yr. Because we just leavimg together for our kids and were staying with hes parents. He found a Job in another country, but on the very first day, he relapse again and ended up lossing his Job and now he’s crap again, he will do anything just to get his drugs rather buying for our food. He will lie and lie as long as he can, he’s verbally abusing me and its affecting me mentally, emotionally. Its pissing me off seeing him gets high and dont dont know what he is doing and dont remember anything and the kids sees him injecting himself. I felt so bad for the kids, I want to leave him take my kids with me but I dont have a Job, we dont have any penny and he dont let me take the kids. Almost everyday, we fight because, he is just getting worst.

    Please, help me. I want to leave him but I dont know how and we leave where far from my family. I felt like my heart gonna explode everutime I see him. He is manipulative, playing peoples mind, he’s family giving up on him already because he dont show progress and he’s patents spent a lot already of their savings for him trying to help him get better. And he is brainwashing my kids, telling that this is all my fault and blaming me for everything and telling me that I ruined his life. This is crazy, I cant take this anymore. Ive been through a lot already in my young age. Keep giving him a chance to keep our family together but I dont deserve this and my kids. He is broke, kids not going to school, so Im homeschooling them. Pls.help.
    Thank you.

  174. My fiancee has done meth for most of his adult life. When we got together he was still using about a month into the relationship when he stopped he said he found something that he loved more than the drug which were me and my kids. We’ve been together since October 2014 and in march of this year he started acting very paranoid and would accuse me and my kids of everything he could. In May he said he couldnt trust us and moved out for a month. I begged him to come home frequently while he was gone and he finally did in June. Things were ok for a little while and slowly the paranoid behavior started again. He put up cameras everywhere so he could see who was messing with him and his belongings he never found anything but still accused me and my kids. I tried to reason with him but it didnt help. I finally said enough is enough I cant have my kids and myself go through this it was like being on a roller coaster. I asked him to leave and its been almost 2 weeks he continues to text me saying were getting into his phone email accounts tracking him and taking money out of his bank account and threatening that if its the last thing he does he will make me pay for everything my family has stolen from him this also includes my sister and parents. Up until thursday I would tell him we love him and were not doing anything to him but it didnt change anything. I havent replied to any texts hes sent me since then. Hes very angry accusing and threatening every time he does. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like the man I fell in love with doesnt even exist anymore now theres only this raging hateful monster. Im so confused and i cant even begin to describe the pain i feel in my heart. I need some advice please.

  175. Sarah,
    I understand your position but do not take this personally. Your friend may realize that she drinks too much and having you in her life is a reminder of that. Addicts don’t ordinarily like to hang out with sober people because it can make them have to feel bad about what they do regardless of how you treat them. You don’t have to stop speaking completely but you can take a step back and let her know you will be there for her as a friend to help and support her and that you hope she finds her way. I am sure she knows that you know she is struggling. You have seen a lot of people destroy their lives, it is not easy when you see what she is doing is ruining her life.
    Gayla,

    I am sorry you remain caught in this cycle. I know it is not easy to let go because you always want to have hope. But you cannot live on hope. In a relationship you need trust and respect and you just can’t have that with an active addict or even one who is newly sober. You have to get to a place where you put yourself first and that takes time.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  176. Gayla,

    I am sorry you remain caught in this cycle. I know it is not easy to let go because you always want to have hope. But you cannot live on hope. In a relationship you need trust and respect and you just can’t have that with an active addict or even one who is newly sober. You have to get to a place where you put yourself first and that takes time.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  177. hi
    My best friend for 30 years, has slowly become an alcoholic, I moved Country 8 years ago and continued to have her in my life as much as I could, I know leaving damaged her and was very careful and mindful about staying in touch. I have visited her whenever I can and always stayed with her and her husband. I could see things were progressively getting worse, between her and her husband but having lost my last best friend to addiction i was turning a blind eye and hoping tht she would sort herself out. long story short, i found myself back in my homeland and attending coda meetings, which i took a huge amount from. Whilst I was still engaging in what I see now as some slightly toxic behaviours with my friend, we loved each other and shared so much history and heart ache that despite my knowing deep down we had drifted apart and were not healthy for each other we continued to be friends. Recently, after a rather stressful situation back in my homeland, where I stayed with my friend, I got home and realised that things were not ok between us, i let some time lapse before i communicated with her and she confirmed that things were not right but didn’t say any more than that. I tried communicating with her again a few weeks later and she again wouldn’t say anything substantial apart from that she had “nearly kicked the drinking”…….i have been feeling incredibly bereft and sad, like she died and i never got to say goodbye……what i am wondering is if i should try again and communicate with her or just walk away, i can’t bear the pain of never seeing her again but at the same time i don’t want to expose myself to yet more hurt by hearing something i don’t want to hear. I know that if i was a good friend i would let her get on with it and leave her alone but i am struggling with grief unable to put it anywhere. My father was an alcoholic and my last best friend a drug addict, the damage caused by both of them was huge, this friend, other than being a bit unreliable and more recently a bit unpredictable has never hurt me, we have always shared everything, so her cutting me out of her life like this is very unusual………..

  178. Well.it has been AWHILE..but I am.back. My crack cocaine addict boyfriend..i kicked him out over a year ago..i have never let him move back even with his several attempts. But I am back because I feel.so out of control..He went to Rehab and was clean the whole 6 months in there..Then he gets out and only back in area 3 weeks and he is back on drugs..So friends he was living with kicks him out..So he checks into another Rehab place, gets a job and car and seems the wonderful him is back..so we start seeing each other some..i am so happy and excited and seems on a good track..Then only 3 weeks at this place I find out he gets kicked out for a week because of drugs..He calls out of work and says his dad is dieing which is not true at all..This.is all.so he can do drugs..So now back on drugs I never hear from him. I call.and text and he ignores me. I am.back in tail spin and I hate myself for it..i really wish I could be so hot and cold like him and ignore him. I don’t understand why I can’t just let go..he clearly doesn’t want to give up drugs.

  179. Debbie,
    I am so sorry for your daughter and you. This is one of the hardest things ever–watching your own child use drugs and destroy their own life. I can’t give you an answer but I can tell you this; I am a firm believer in not enabling an addict. Enabling only helps the addict use and although the alternative may seem scary sometimes it is your only shot. If you tell her she has to get clean or leave your home, she has a choice. You are not abandoning her if you tell her you won’t watch her die. If you tell her that you are there to support her in her recover and only if it is for real and she is serious about it, that doesn’t make you a bad person. Have you tried a group like nar-anon or al-anon, a therapist or a recovered addict/intervention specialist. I recommend all three. You need some support right now to make some very difficult decisions.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  180. Veronica,
    You are hurt because you gave this man everything and he left you anyway. That hurts in any situation but especially when you are dealing with an addict. At this point you have no choice but to move on because it is what is best for you. I have been burned by an addict who stole so much from my own parents but I let it go so that I could move on. You have to let go too, it is time and althought it will be painful I can promise you that things will get better if you do the work and the healing it takes to get better. Now is the time to love yourself unconditionally, the way you did him.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  181. Suzie,
    Have you read Hope Street? If not I suggest you do to get a good glimpse into a future he might be saving you from by leaving you. I know it hurts and it is hard but this situation was not right for you and he did something you couldn’t do; end it. Like me and other co-addicts, we can’t let go and we hang on with hope for much longer than we should.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  182. Diane,
    If detaching is the only way you could help her because you have done everything you can, then really what more can you do? If you feel like you have explored every avenue to no avail then being in her life will only continue the cycle of enabling. It is okay to reach out and let her know you are there to support her if ever she remains sober but at this point you have no trust in her. If she ever gets sober, she will have to understand all that you did for her was not helping her. There is no way I can tell you that what you are doing is right or wrong but I can tell you this; I know many parents that join al-anon or nar-anon because they find themselves having to do what you did and you are not alone.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  183. Hi Amanda, i find reading through your articles helpful . I was reading through this thread and noticed something strange – on 15 December 2015 on the end of your response to a subscriber named Renate – instead of your details and email address appearing it is my email details that are entered.

  184. Hello, my name is Veronica I was in a 2 and half year relationship with a meth addict and an alcoholic. I helped him and paid for everything. I helped him get everything he needed, truck, family vacations and much more. I am what people in the addiction world call a normy. He has been cleaned for 10 months, in a rehab center, he decided to go back to Vegas and move close to his ex and family. He dumped me and all he did was send me $50 and a thank ypu and soory. Don’t know what to do next. I fave him and his druggie mother everything. And he left me whst can I do. I believe he cheated when we were together. I still love him. Why can you please tell me why

  185. What do you do when it’s your 33 year old daughter who lives with you and you know she has no where to go if you kick her out? She is a non functioning alcoholic that has not drank in 8 to 9 months. But I think she is smoking method or something. She has lost 50 or 60 pounds, she is very moody, up all hours and she doesn’t sit and relax ever any more. I found a pipe and a powder substance and of course she said it wasn’t hers but if it’s not hers, then she has users in my house using drugs. But I’m pretty sure it was hers. It is just her and I that live in the house. My fear is if I put her out that I will never see her again and it could be the death of her. I just don’t know what to do. Any advise would be gratefully appreciated.

  186. My boyfriend stopped calling. He is a recovering drug addict but now I realize he’s addicted to alcohol and mixed with his Rx drugs it’s been a nightmare. I haven’t called him either because I’ve called other times when he dropped off the face of the earth always with some excuse and I’ve had enough but it hurts so much. I love him but he’s destroying himself and because of all his drinking and addicting he’s in legal financial and emotional trouble and I can’t help him. I had to confide in a few friends about the disasters that recently happened and that he’ll be in prison again and I’m thinking that maybe it hit back to him my frustration. Anyways he’s the one that stopped things and I know the relationship was heading to heartache and disaster but it still hurts he just let me go.

  187. Our 27 year old daughter’s heroin addiction has spiraled out of control in the past year, she has been in 4 Rehabs, 4 Detox Centers, and 2 Sober living homes. She has gotten into legal troubles, and we foolishly helped her out, now realizing we have been Enabling her. She overdosed twice in our home and her dad saved her life, this was not her bottom, but it was ours. We decided in May that she could no longer stay in our home, we realize we were giving her the means to continue her addiction. She has begun stealing from us and pawning our belongings, although we changed the locks on our home, she managed to get into our shed and garage. We have pressed charges but she had not been arrested. She is a two degree college educated young lady who now has no job, no car ( she wrecked the 2 she had) no money, no close friends, no family to depend on any longer. We have not seen her since June when we visited her in a recovery center, the next day she walked away from it, she is now fearing her legal issues and her boyfriend has gone to jail, she has tried contacting us, we will not answer her calls or respond to her text. We have heard from others that Her boyfriend’s parents are giving her a place to live, taking her to meetings, trying to get her into another rehab, and are telling her they will be there for her. She and others are making post on Facebook praising those who are helping her since her family isn’t. We have tried everything we thought was right, now we are emotionally, physically and financially drained, should we continue our physical detachment? I did text her to tell her we love her and at this time we can only support her with our thoughts and prayers. We miss her and worry about her so much, but we are unwilling to deal with her lies and manipulative ways. We need validation that detaching from her is the right thing to do although we love her.

  188. Karen,
    You can never give up on a child and good family and friends will understand that. The problem is enabling, if you are helping her be able to use drugs like supporting her, housing her, giving her rides, money, paying bills etc. then I can understand the frustration. You can be there to support her but you should not stand for her drug use. Tell her you are there 100% when she is ready to be in recovery. Seek counseling for you both and possibly an intervention specialist to let her know that you cannot be in her life while she is using but that you love her. If you feel alone and want to speak to others, try an nar-anon group or a therapist to help you cope with all of this.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  189. Haylee,

    I know you might have feelings of guilt but an addict coupled with mental illness who does not really desire recovery is not your fault. As you said, you need to stopped being dragged down and exposing your children to this craziness. You do deserve better and you have to learn you cannot save him, it may be a lifetime battle for him but that does not mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. Your family needs to heal and recover so you can all sustain some sense of normal and be happy.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  190. Finding support from family and friends is now non-existant. My 28 year old daughter is a heroin addict, went to jail for 1 1/2, came out and looked so healthy and then 2 weeks later started using again. It makes her crazy. My family and friends no longer want to talk about it as it is old. I can’t blame them but when your desperate like myself to find a solution you sometimes forget that all you talk about is the problem. I don’t blame them for ignoring me. It’s a lonely road and battle.

  191. Im 27 years old and have two beautiful daughters. I have been married to my husband for 8 years. He’s been addicted off and on the entire time. This past stint was the worst he has some underlying mental issue we are trying to uncover now but the drugs brought it out completely about a year ago. He became super paranoid about everything and everyone, I turned into the evil person, and he emotionally killed me every day w crazy accusations and horrible things. I finally had, had enough I found the strength in me to stand up and tell him I was done I couldn’t do it anymore he was bringing me and the girls down w him and I wouldn’t stand for it. I told him if he got help and really made changes and I saw them then I would be here bc I love him. But if he couldn’t do that I was done. The next night he tried to kill himself by slitting his throat. He barely made it it was a miracle. He is now in a program that is a dual diagnosis program for addicts and mental issues. He has been there a week and the ups and downs every day is killing me. He is not wanting to complete it he blames me for everything and then the next conversation will be positive. I don’t want to abandon him but I feel no hope anymore I don’t know what to do.

  192. Pakanee,
    I want you to stop and think about what you are saying; “he would rather be with a homeless woman in a car than with his family.” This is still placing blame and that is not what you need to focus on. He is ill, meth is a serious drug that distorts the mind, creates anger, paranoia and other symptoms that mimick a serious mental illness. He is no longer the man you once thought you knew so I would not take any of this personally because he is just living for a drug, it is no kind of life at all. Your children are lucky to have you as a stable parent so it is time to focus on them, on life, and on you. You have to learn to let him go and you will get to a point where you understand that what he is doing, although selfish, is really part of the disease, and part of addiction, part of mental illness.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  193. Camilla,
    I am glad you found us here. I understand your trepidation. I do hope though that you understand that it will be hard no matter when you decide to leave so expect that but as you get healthier it will become more obvious that this type of person is not a person you really can love. The key is to do what you are doing and keep working on yourself. For some reason and in some way you are co-dependant on this person. It is your job to figure out why and then change it.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  194. Very helpful and Great information, we appreciate advise especially coming from a professional.
    Thanks again and keep up the great work!

  195. I don’t know if I have a question or I guess maybe just need someone to help me make sense of a situation. My husband who is a chronic meth addict, left his beautiful wife and kids (4 and 8 year old) for a HOMELESS druggie woman . He would rather live with her in her gross dirty car then to come home to our safe beautiful comfy home. And he said they are in love.
    I’m in shock and disbelief

  196. Hi,
    I found your website today – it looks like something that might be helpful to me. I have realised for some time that leaving my cocaine and fantasy drug using boyfriend “cold turkey” doesn’t work. I always go back to him even when I say I won’t. So I have to work on ME to become stronger fist -and I have actually started to learn emotional detachment. We don’t live together and don’t have sex since we are not married (I’m a Christian) so it does make it easier to detach. But still I worry about him when I know he is using and it hurts me that he can be so nice to me one day, and be cold or disappear on me the next. I found the article helpful.
    Any other advice for me to do at this point when leaving completely is not an option for me (yet?) is appreciated.
    thanks.

  197. Ron,
    I cannot help you find him but I can help you understand what you are going through. Nar-anon is a great start but even with support we wrestle with what we did or could do as parents to help our children. Your son has a disease and at his age, he has to be the one to want to stop. The only power you have is the power to tell him you won’t support his using but you will be there 100% when he is ready for recovery. If you cannot call him, maybe an email might be a way to reach out to let him know this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  198. My son a pain pill addict sent me a email telling me he was disappearing. He is 38 and a IT professional. So far he has been gone two months. what information can you give me about this or where i can find some. I am an active member of nar anon. Thanks

  199. Pam,
    There is something else going on in that relationship, a dynamic that might make sense to you. He may need her to be this way so that he can be the one to always save her and blame everyone else. He may need someone to take care of to make himself feel needed. He may be afraid that if she gets sober she will leave him. There might be so many underlying reasons why he won’t face the truth that he is enabling her. That’s what people who love addicts do sometimes. You are in a very tough situation but it sounds like you can do no right so you have to take care of yourself and your family. You can let them both know that your sister absolutely needs help but you won’t be blamed for her addiction and that you need to be distant from them. You can also let her know that if she ever decides to really get help, the kind that might help her stay sober that you will support her but not before then.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  200. Irrydesence,
    You begin with where you are at right now. Go through the sadness and the pain so that you are not suppressing it. But be commited to moving on and don’t let anything make you go back there. You know there is no going back and your children have to be a great motivator in this decision. You want a life that is healthy and happy for you and for your children and an addict, even if it is their father cannot be part of that equation. Get support, a group, al-anon or another network of people you can count on to listen and to inspire you to keep on moving forward. That is what I hope you have found here to some degree but friends and family can be really helpful right about now too. You have decided that you want to be happy and to do that you must go through the emotions and the sadness until it lifts. I am here to tell you that it will, undoubtably, you just have to be patient and get the support you need to heal.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  201. It’s a long horrible story I’ll try to condense it. I’m twenty and I’ve had one hell of a life. I’ve made terrible decisions and one of them was sticking it out with my boyfriend when he relapsed. He’s a heavy heroin and meth addict, he shoots it. He’s struggled for six years. He gets clean on and off, clean for maybe six months, then his extreme anxiety and depression break him. I was homeless with him for three months in down town Denver which has an enormous underground heroin problem. The last month he stole over 1100 dollars from me, it all was very coincidental since my card had been lost. He had gone home after me and his parents trapped him was there for a month until he got kicked out for saying he wanted to start a future with me after this. Since I had enabled him by letting him use my car while I was working, they loathe me another reason I think a future with him would collapse, they’d definitely take our children if we had any even if he managed to stay clean. This last month, I knew he was using even though he denied the crap out it, and the lies he told were spectacular, every time I’d confront him it’d be world war three so I wanted
    I got him home one last

  202. Hello!
    I don’t even know where to begin! My little sister is an addict & she has been fighting addiction for years. It started with alcohol in the beginning many years ago, she had a bad first marriage that ended in divorce. Within a year she met someone & she & her 2 children moved in with him & his child. My sister had a drinking problem but he still took her in. Later in years they married. But things began to turn bad as her drinking got worse. He complained constantly & they fought all the time. My sister was also causing many problems with me & my husband & kids. I got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore so I tried to talk to her to get her to get help, well she wasn’t having it & it turned ugly. And her husband of which complained to me all the time ended up defending her & turning on me. So for years this just kept getting worse, I was in her life & out of her life so many times through the years. Then at 40 yrs old she became pregnant & she quit drinking, we & I were so proud of her we thought she met recovery! But it was shortly lived sadly she began drinking again when my nephew tuned 1 mo old. The fighting with her husband & family started again, & her husband once again was back to excusing her drinking & turning on all of the family including his own parents over my sister. Few years had gone by & she had a hysterectomy & she one day said she was sorry for all she had done & said she was done drinking. And it seemed like things were going good. But for some reason I just kept suspecting something was just not right, I just felt it. My feelings were right she began using opiates. Things progressively got worse, then she told us she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis & that she had to take them. Then later it wasn’t rheumatoid it was Lupus. She was then taking several drugs, percocets, Xanax, somas. But she was taking lager & larger amounts running out way before refills, causing all kinds of havoc everywhere she went. Car accidents you name it. Her husband was constantly complaining, so once again I tried to get her to get help & once again her husband turned on me. I love & care about my sister I don’t understand why he keeps doing this, he has several times prevented help for her. She just recently has gotten completely out of control & our parents of which are in their late 70’s witnessed her stoned out of her mind. My parents refused to deal with it & they said they were sick of her addiction issues & walked away. And then it left me with no choice but to walk away also because I have tried so many times to get her some help. Well this week she tried to kill herself in front of her 10 year old child. Her husband is now blaming all of us. Why? I’m at a loss & don’t know how to feel or what to do, he stood in the way every time when he should have went along with the help she needed all along.

  203. I have recently left my addict partner after 15 years of being together. He obviously wasn’t always an addict. Not sure when it all began really.. His bestfriend who happens to be his cousin was always his scape goat, his excuse, his shield from me and knowing the ugly truth, finally he told me the truth. Over the last two years I would say, I would find little indications. So I would get so upset, and tell him to leave. He always left. But would always come back with excuse after excuse. I believed him. I wanted to believe we were worth more then this. We share two beautiful children together, ages 12 and 8. Our relationship has been rocky for the past two years because I feel as though he constantly makes bad choices, which I’m sure is all going back to using. We both, 10 years ago now, sought treatment together. Once I got clean I stayed that way. No relapses, no trip ups. Nothing. But him? Now I have no idea? His cousin, best friend, best confidant came and spoke with me, telling me he fears for him and what will happen in our relationship because his using is getting worse and the excuses are becoming more unreal and always involving him. He’s tired of it, he has things in his own life without dealing with my partners issues. He is a very selfish person clearly. I just need help moving on. I feel as though I’ve abandoned him.. But I ALWAYS told him if he would approach me and ask for help in getting clean I would be there, it’s the lies, deceit, the behind my back I can’t handle. Our poor children do not deserve this. He left on Monday and hasn’t even tried to contact them. I want a new life for my kids and I, I want a healthy life without someone else’s bad decisions invading my happiness. I make good choices for my children and should be reaping the rewards from that, not living every day miserable. Because he would lie I never trusted him towards the end. That was so terrible. To be with someone who you don’t trust. He would do or say whatever was needed to get whatever he wanted. I know I need to let this relationship go, I just don’t know where to begin? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!!

  204. Monique,
    It is time to take your faith and start taking action. If you want a healthy and happy life and relationship then you have make it happen. Faith is important but it does not mean complacency, getting yourself into a healthy place takes work and may even mean letting him go. You cannot save someone who does not want help but you can move on and help yourself and your children. It is a rough road at first but soon you will find a great relief and freedom in learning to love yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  205. Hi
    thank you for responding today is my day one Yay for me its not going to be easy and i know the road is long but im ready. I am taking it easy though not doing too much too soon as much as I want to. Im going to do this one day at a time,

    Darlene

  206. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years he’s the love of my life. He’s been doing this drug for years and he lives in TJ I live in California. It’s always been a struggle going to see him but I was doing it I stopped last year because he was avoiding me and our kids so we didn’t go and then he cuts me off completely I haven’t spoken to him since November of last year. I’m a Christian woman trying to put all my faith in God with my situation and pray but I’ve been in depression I hurt I don’t know what else my options are???

  207. Darlene,
    I know how you feel and where you are at. You need to let go and this is the hardest thing to do but as you can see you were only helping him stay alive and maintain his addiction. Enabling him was only helping him continue to use. You have to work on you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  208. Hi,
    I dont know how to feel my soon to be ex is now non responsive in the hospital if i seem upset about it my family does not understand, i cant be happy about it, im human and as much as i dont want him in my life i still want him to find his life and live it, he actually went to the er and then had his dealer bring him heroin to the hospital 5 hours later he coded. i cannot even understand this. but i wish him well. i am in the process of bringing all of his things to his brother in case he does pull through he will not have to call me for anything.

    thanks for reading this
    Darlene

  209. Hi
    last saturday I asked my husband of almost 3 years to leave my home. I suspected he was using heroin again. I saw the same patterns, and found a crumpled up baggie in his car. Yes i search his car,phone and pockets. I realized that this is exhausting and those ten minutes could be spent doing something fun, positive and for me. He swears up and down that he is not using and that someone planted that in his car…. are you kidding me. So he left. he took nothing with him no clothes nothing. he has health issues an enlarged heart and he should be taking a water pill daily but that stopped a little while after it started. in january he was hospitalized and intubated for fourteen days, he swore that this was the scariest thing for him and that he would not go back to that life again. so its been over a week now and we have spoken but i get upset because i do not believe a word he is saying and end the call. yesterday i told him that i filed for divorce and i took the insurance off of his car… i pay for that and i cant afford it nor do i want him driving around high and putting everything i have at risk. he was so upset with me, and he told me he was having trouble breathing due to fluid build up and was unable to walk… he is a very large man. of course me being me i tried to call him and he will not answer his phone is off so im thinking he is in a motel someplace dead. i call the local police to do a well check they said he is fine… NO HE IS NOT. but ok i guess that should be the last call i make to him. i want to divorce him i dont want him to die. but it is his choice.
    so here is a little history. I met him and it was amazing we talked about everything all of the time we married quickly i even questioned him about drug use telling him that i do not allow that in my life he said no he does not do that. seven months later i find out he is an addict…. of course the usual threats throw him out take him back rush him to the hospital fix his wounds all of that nonsense that would be normal to do in healthy relationship but in this case i was keeping him alive.

    so here we are today. I have realized that i was living two live his and mine and i was tired. he is living his life the way he wants and i am running around like a fool trying to make everything right. no more mr smooth talker.

    its not easy my heart breaks and i wish him well, but i wish myself well too. one day at a time thats what i will do. all of the energy i put into trying to make him better i can now use to make myself better.

    thanks for being here and to all struggling with the same i wish you all strength and good thoughts. Its a difficult thing to do, but read the posts and realize that each one is written by us.

  210. I have had the news that my addict ex has passed away. Life’s so cruel. I hate drugs. It’s so painful to see someone you love hurt and destroy themselves and everything around them . Only spoke to him the other day and he said he was getting better. Love you so much mark. God bless. I’m heartbroken . Xx

  211. Skylar,
    Please read Hope Street. I was in the exact same position as you, 12 years of not really understanding addiction and the reasons why my husband would detach from me periodically. You awaken to this feeling that you don’t know which end is up anymore. I can promise you, Hope Street will let you know that you are not alone and it will give you hope. I am 6 years free of my marriage to an addict, he is still using and I have moved on.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  212. Makeela,
    This is happening because you have not moved on, you are still worrying about what he is doing, who he is with and if he is using. You need to stop all contact and ask others not to tell you what they know about him and start worrying about yourself. You would benefit from therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy because you need to get down to the real reason you are co-dependent on someone who mistreats you and walked away. This has to do with you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  213. Ceri,
    You are not happy with the way things are, with his drug use or the fact that he keeps a separate life. You need to tell him things are going to change or else you will be leaving. You have a choice to change things if he won’t, you can let him know you are unhappy and you can leave.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  214. Hi.
    I had a 6 year relationship with my boyfriend. I am now 25 and he is 30. After the first year, an abusive pattern surfaced. On the outside, he is a hard-working, romantic, loving person; but additionally, he would also be mean me, belittle me, guilt me, and shame me. When I responded every few weeks to this repetitive treatment with a desire to leave him, his response of love and contrition was so extreme that I forgave him and believed he would genuinely endeavour not to hurt me again. By the 3rd year of our relationship, I tried to finally exit; but in addition to his usual begging me to stay, he confessed that the real reason why “he is the way he is” was because he was addicted to Percs/Oxys when he was 18 and has always felt like it was a shadow over him. I felt sympathetic and still loved him so I believed this confession was a new chapter for us. I did not identify him as an “addict” at this time.
    Anyway, the emotionally abusive pattern of course continued albeit in a less frequent and magnified fashion. In the last year, however, it became unbearable and I finally accepted that he would never change. I left my relationship feeling confident, empowered and happy about my decision.

    The next day he called me to tell me he had been abusing drugs (pills, 8-10 day). Although this terribly hurt me, I responded in a cold tone that he was to detox and I would be calling his family. I was so shocked by this confession and the timing of it.

    I’m writing this because this really fucked with my mind. Imagine not knowing your partner was abusing drugs and ending the relationship only to find out this had been going on the whole time? I feel mad, sad, betrayed and disgusted with him AND myself.

    But, I am writing this post because I want to let go. When I think about him, I know I don’t want to date someone with a substance abuse problem. But knowing that he was probably using throughout our entire relationship causes me a great deal of grief and I don’t know how to grasp it or get closure. It literally makes me question everything – what was real, what wasn’t real, when he lied, where he was.

    I don’t know.

  215. This time in my life seems to be more difficult than I thought. For almost 3 years now my ex husband has been divorced. It is seeing my life without him even though I feel alone together other than when I’m doing something for him. It’s seems unbearable for Mr to let go of this unhealthy relationship. I’m convinced that of I give some time, prayers and patients things will get better. But as of yesterday that is just the opposite I received. Dealing with own issues doesn’t make dealing with me very easy and I sometimes don’t blame him for leaving. To see him going about his life not caring, living with another woman and using without thinking about stopping is just a kap in the face. I don’t know how to let go and that’s just the bottom line.

  216. Hi I’m currently leaving with an addict. He uses on average once a month. He does not come home until the following morning. We have been together around two years. He says he wants to stop but has recently booked a night out in London in August even though he knows he put himself of risk of using and jeopardising our relationship. I have never been a part of he’s social life and I get the impression he’s friends are more important. I currently go to a support group and have started relationship counselling on my own. What do I do?

  217. Toni,
    Please read the other articles I have written here, they will tell you how to do that. Click on my name Amanda Andruzzi in this article next to my picture and all of my articles will appear. Each one will give you the tools and skills and understanding you need to have to be able to leave this person. However, with that said, you need to go with your gut. You know that feeling you have deep down that tells you things are not going to change and if they do there is no guarantee it will not happen over and over again, that is the feeling that needs to lead you to the strength you need to make the choice to let go. Cutting off all contact is the best way because if you give in a little, you will eventually give in a lot.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  218. Hi I am currently trying to let go of my boyfriend whom is addicted to meth. I obsess everyday wondering wheres hes at he was clean for so long about 2years and had a relapse about 1month ago and moved back in with his dad. He calls me daily but still admits when hes been using. He calls me non stop when i ignore him and he promises me he will stop using he cries and i feel bad and give him another chance and every time i do he lets me down and i hurt more and more each time. How can i let him go.

  219. Nicole,
    I was 31 when I left my addict husband with our daughter. We were together for 12 years and after all of it was said and done I was left with my daughter and debt, no home and no job. Please read Hope Street, my book if you haven’t as well as the other articles I wrote in this blog. The reason I do all of this is because I promised God if he could get me out of that situation that I would help others know that they are worth more and that they too can move on and be happy. You are 100% enabling him and we all do that because quite frankly, we don’t know what else to do. If he does not get help, or if he gets help at your urging, he will not get better. It has to come from him and he has to hit rock bottom. If you support him, you are not only making it easy for him to use drugs but you are also harming yourself. You are broken and you need to start letting the people around you know so they can help you. You need support right now, self-love and a whole lot of healing. You won’t be able to do any of that living with him. Please read Hope Street and get a good glimps of what can happen for you if you leave and what may happen if you stay.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  220. Hello my name is Nicole and I’m 31 years old. I’ve been with my opiate addict boyfriend for over 15 years now. He became an addict after he had testicular cancer back in 2005. The past 3-4 years have been terrible, sad and depressing. He keeps taken more and more Vicodin along with whatever other pills he can get his hands on to get his fix. He goes to the doctor every month and gets his script of pills which is supposed to last him a month and it only barely last him 2 weeks. So for the next 3 weeks he withdrawals and has to buy them on the streets which is expensive. In the past year he quit his job and now I’ve been supporting us both and his habit. I have a great job and make decent money but now I’m in loads of debit and I’m at the point I can no longer pay the bills alone. Our apartment lease is up in 2 months and I just don’t think I can take it anymore. I love this man so much but I just can’t deal with coming home and him just sad and depressed or fucked up on his pills. I can’t stand seeing him go through this and watching him spiral down. I go to work everyday and work my ass off and he gets to sleep all damn day and get fucked up. He cries to me all the time about how he wants to change and get help but he needs me to help him. I’ve tried to get him help…Ive tried to talk him into going to talk with someone and talk about rehab but then he keeps telling me next month or I will wing myself off. Ya right! We recently got into a huge fight and for the first time in all these years I punched him and I ended up breaking my hand. I had to get surgery and have pins in my hand and guess what he took all my pain medication. I’m in so much pain and all I can take is over the counter stuff now. He also blames his depression and drug addiction on his dad passing away in 2001 then having him having cancer in 2005. He doesn’t really have any family besides him mom and 2 bothers who are losers and worth nothing and most of his friends are married with kids and I’m scared if I don’t sign a new lease he won’t have any where to go and will be on the streets. I want to leave him because I know I am better than this but I’m so worried about what is going to happen to him. I know if he can get help then we would live a happy life but he is always going to be an addict and it breaks my heart. I’ve had to watch all my friends get married and have kids and here I am in this situation having to lie to my friends and family about what’s really going on. I have to act like I don’t want to get married or don’t care so I don’t have to explain the real reason. I feel like this is my time to get out and finally leave and move back in with my parents but again I’m so scared where he is going to go. I don’t know what to do! I need help and advise!!

  221. Krystal,
    Just when you think you know the person you are with, you will discover things are not as they seem, especially with an addict. You really do not know what he is doing when he is not with you and sometimes even when he is. I have done all that you do, blocked “friends” and dealers, threatened and have actually called the police and many other things I thought would help. The truth is an addict won’t stop until they have no other choice. He can be wonderful but this addiction is a big part of who he is and if that does not sit well with you then you have to be the one to make the change for yourself. The one mistake we all make in this situation is we keep helping the addict try to change but we can’t help or change anyone but ourselves. Although this line of thinking may not make sense to you right now, I promise you, one day, it will.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  222. I’m just trying to understand all of this my life is in shams I don’t use drugs I never have but I’m addicted to someone who does and I’m ready to walk away. But it’s not easy.

  223. My story is a little different. I have been with an amazing man for 8 years. We have two children together. One of our children is not biologically his but her father passed away and he is all she knows.
    My boyfriend is a cocaine addict. Although he uses very infrequently when he does its a large quantity and it takes his body days to recover. His friends sell it and use very frequently and often message him to buy it because they need the money. I have threatened his friends that I will call the police and have them arrested for trafficking. That did not scare them at all. In fact they have many different woman messaging me threatening me now. My boyfriend is no longer speaking to them but the messages keep coming.
    Last night after I thought the nightmare was over I could tell he used again and he did as he always does. He lied to me straight in my eyes about it and then lied and told me he was on pain pills which is definitely not what he took. It was definitely cocaine again.
    I know what to do. I don’t know how to help him. I’m not even sure if I want to be around to continue fighting for him. He mentioned rehab today. And he did call. But he is on a wait list for the 3 week in patient program. But I know him. He will find every excuse not to go.
    I’m mad. I feel like he’s weak. I hate him for what he is. But I love him and the kids love him. Any advise would be great. I can’t discuss this with friends or family.

    Thank you

  224. Last werkend i had to let an addict go because I was becoming addicted to alcohol. I had to make the hard painful decision to say good bye. Other things made me say this is it but the denial on the addicts part

  225. Jane,
    Do you realize that this is not your boyfriend anymore? This person is in a relationship with drugs so you need to let him go or it will kill you too. This is not your fight, it is his and by living with him this way does either one of you any good. It is hard, believe me, I have done it, child in tow with nothing left but debt. But the truth is, you have to leave. If he wants help, he can get it, you trying to get everyone involved has gotten you nowhere because if he is not going to change then no one can make him. Please read my other articles by clicking on my name, they will help you and my book Hope Street will give you a glimpse of your future if you don’t leave. You have to come to a point where you will realize that you need to save yourself.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  226. Amy,You have to muster up the strength to leave and this plan you must implement does not have to happen tomorrow, it just has to be a plan. You will find comfort in just knowing this is going to be over. This is not your battle and it is about time you did this to show your children a better life and a happy mother. But when your plan is finished and you know what you need to do, you cannot look back. You cannot waiver or cave in to a plea from the addict that things will change. If he wants sobriety, it is best he does it on his own anyway. I lived like this for 12 years before I had the courage to walk away but 20 years, it is going to take some time to relearn how to live like a normal person. You will, just know that. It takes time, commitment and support. Don’t hide it anymore, tell the people you know you can trust and that won’t judge you and get a support team together for yourself. You will be surprised how well people will react to this and help you. Keep reading my other articles here, click on Amanda Andruzzi and they will all come up. You need to learn coping skills. Read Hope Street, that is my only way to show you that this can be done and that there is hope.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  227. Renee, There is hope for you and you are on the right track, being here, leaving, going to meetings. Everything takes time and nothing is forever, no feeling, no situation, remember that. This will pass as you relearn how to live and be happy on your own two feet.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  228. Kay,
    You are in the viscious cycle of co-addiction (addicted to the addict) and unfortunately it is your son that is not getting the best of either of his parents. I have been exactly where you are and that is the reason I wrote Hope Street, my book on my life with an addict. I know everything you are going through and it took me 12 years, marriage and one child before I left. It was more about me wanting to be healthy and normal again and provide a happy life for my child that was my motivating factor. I knew that could never happen with the addict in our lives. You have to start helping yourself, you need to stop the obsession and consumption with his life. I know this is easier said than done but it is the only way to start getting you healthy again. When you live with this for so long, you forget there is any other way to live, you don’t trust ANYTHING and you live with a fear in your gut that you can’t explain to anyone else. Reaching out here is a step in the right direction.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  229. Hello. I’m 29 and have been living with my addict boyfriend for 2.5 years. My story is similar to everyone else’s- not sure why I am still living and dealing with him. I’ve watched his addict progress from non existent to near death. It’s at the point where I think my boyfriend is actively trying to kill himself through his drug use. It’s funny, because he is still a semi-functioning addict. He has his own business but he pays other people to run it. I’ve gotten his family and friends involved and everyone seems to not care to help or really believe he is as bad as I tell them. I’m the only one who really knows the truth and I feel alone and abandoned by the people who I’ve reached for help. They think I’m a fool at this point and I’m too embarrassed to reach out to anyone else again. I know I need to leave my boyfriend, but I don’t know how. I’m scared and don’t like living a lie to the people that love me. I need help in my situation. Do you think I should reach out to his family again and tell them I come into my apartment every day to his bloody clothes and used needles all over my apartment? He isn’t even a human being anymore but puts on a great show when he needs to. I feel I’ve done as much as I can do, but I still feel responsible for the possibility of his death. Any advice? Thank you so much.

  230. I have been married to my husband for 20 yrs, we have 4 kids. I have felt with he drug lies and excuses all these years. Life has full of broken promises. I really can not do this anymore. Ini one know the struggles, the mood swings, the change of personalities, one minute I’m on top of the world and the next minute he has me in tears. I found a pipe that has been well used tonight, even thou I could tell in he voice that he was on something. I don’t even know who my husband is anymore. I’m sick and tired of playing happy families and making excuses for his behaviour all the time. After finding the pipe I called him to tell him that it was over, I can’t do this anymore. I have had this same conversation with him nearly every week over the last 5years! I have no idea how I am going to survive on my own but it will be better then living with a man that I call a stranger. I want to just run away right now! I need someone to talk to about this, but I feel so shamed that behind closed does my family is a complete train wreak!

  231. I have broken my engagement to my high school sweetheart (We’re in our 60’s). We started dating again two years ago and immediately became engaged. He had told me that he was a recovering alcoholic, but that he drank occasionally. I was okay with that at the time, I drink occasionally. Turns out for him the occasion is every day, morning, noon and night, about 3 gallons of Vodka per week.
    He is a high-functioning alcoholic. He works hard and is proud of his work. His off hours he is drinking so that leaves no time for couples time unless I want to sit and watch him drink.
    He promised once to cut back on his drinking to get me to stay with him. And I tried to be a little more opened-minded towards the drinking. When I finally realized that he had been lying to me all along, even from our first meeting correspondence, I decided this life is not one I wanted to have. As much as I loved him, I told him it was either me or the alcohol but that I could no longer see a future for us the way it was. Well, he chose alcohol, now I’m left trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams. Of course, I still love him! But I am trying to cut all ties with him at this point for my sanity! I’m praying that it will get easier. I plan to return to my AA support group Tuesday with hat in hands.
    Thank you for this discussion thread–it does give me hope for myself.

  232. Hello. I am really looking for feedback or someone who knows exactly what I am going through. I know its easy to talk to a friend or a family member about my boyfriends addiction but I do not feel like any of them truly understand the pain it actually causes me and my son, they are all so quick to say leave him, believe it crosses my mind everytime he slips up. I’ve been going through this since I got pregnant and even though he has hurt me over and over and over again, I stuck by him through trips to hospitals, rehabs, meetings.. He always seems to slip up after 3 weeks. I do not know how to get MY life back. I feel so wrapped up in his problems, I can’t enjoy my life or time with my son because his problems consume my life in everyway!!! Hes been sober for 30 days now and part of me automatically wants to accuse him because, well, thats just the cycle we’ve been through for years. I just want some kind of peace in my life and a piece of mind when it comes to this.

  233. Susan,
    You have definitely enabled him but I am not sure what you were supposed to save for him since you used his money to pay bills. Also, if he is stealing your business and won’t leave your house you need to call the police and have him escorted out. The threats warrant an order of protection and you need to deal with your own demons, your business and stand on your own two feet again. How much longer do you want to describe yourself as an obese, sugar addicted enabler? You can change any situation in your life if you do just that, make the change. What I suggest is logical and sensible but when it comes to these situations, codependency and emotions, logic goes right out the window. I am sure you should know what you should do but you don’t know why you can’t do it. It comes down to self-love, confidence and self-worth. If you have those, you would not need this man. You are at a point where you are scared of what will become of you if you make him leave but that is a crossroads you will have to encounter or things will stay status quo.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  234. Hi, I am a 57 year old woman. I am an obese sugar addict, and disabled.
    I have a 38 year old male roommate. We are non sexual together, and we are business partners. He has been addicted to heroin since he was 18.
    After 3 years together he found out that I did not save his half of our business money. I thought I did ok because I got him his car, his clothes, paid our bills, doctor visits, anything and everything. I admitted to being wrong about not saving his half of the profit. I offered to make it right; I even gave him half of my land.
    I figured out that we are codependent, I give him a place to live, a job, pay his bills (the physical part), and he cooks for me. I can see now that he will never get better as long as we are together, he has everything he needs as an addict. He is a manipulator, and a liar. I told him 6 months ago to move out. I told him again last week, he has until the end of the month.
    He has been abusive since he found out I did not save the money. He is trying to manipulate me, lying, not talking, or taking to me while walking out the door, (which I can’t hear or answer) not letting me pet his dog (he would certainly do this with a baby if he had one), accusing me of things I can’t possibly have done. He told me “I want to hit you so bad right now.” He has spent the last 6 months removing most of our products to an unknown off site location.
    My sales are down 75% because I don’t have products. I cannot support living here anymore. He will not forgive me or work with me. In the last week he has been making big threats, which I know are his abuse. The fact I can’t pay the coming rent shows they are not empty threats. I am concerned that he will remove all the business equipment in the basement and leave me with no money, no rent, and no business. In hindsight I should never let him stay the extra 6 months out of guilt.

  235. Alice,
    Yes, that is exactly what I try to relay here, if you stay in contact with a sick person, you will stay sick. You have identified the reason you contact him, so the key is to do something about it. You are lonely, then spend some weekends just getting to know your new city. Join a support group like al-anon, find local events that you are interested in and are free to go to. Spend time getting to know where single people hang out or try online dating just to get yourself out there. Do things you love to do and try meet-ups to find out where you can do them with other people. There are plenty of local single groups that get together and do things. This is your chance to break free emotionally but you have to know that leaning on him is off limits. It won’t allow you to move forward. If you continue, you will stay stuck.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  236. I’m alone because I left my husband in Chicago three years ago. I moved to St. Louis. He hit me in my face and when he left the house that same day, I hopped on a train and came to St. Louis to find another home. However, now that I’m here in St. Louis, I still call him and cry but only because I am lonely. I don’t want to live with him anymore but I find myself calling him. He calls me as well. As a matter of fact, when I first left I didn’t contact him at all. He called me. I am not sure but I don’t think that love is there anymore I just can’t figure out just what it is.
    He has been on Methadone for as long as we have known each other–probably seven or eight years. We have been married for 6 years in August. My problem is that I just want out of the entire marriage but I’m new here and I need help finding things to do. I find myself relying on his company every once in a while but again, only because I am lonely. Money is also a bit of an option and I have no one here to help me. I have family members here but they are all busy and to themselves and I don’t want to burden them with my problems.
    I’m halfway there but I still find myself crying and calling him. I don’t want to do this anymore. I saw somewhere that said if I continue to contact someone who is sick I will stay sick as well. It’s hard to find things to do here in this city because I don’t know my way around. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I know that I will flourish once I completely detach myself from this man altogether. I know now that he means me no good.

  237. Kelly, You are her mother and you know right away if this is for real or not. You do not need to second guess this anymore. Just tell your siblings that unless she is clean and in recovery for a long time, you have stopped enabling her and that they should too. The more you go back and forth, the more it hurts you and your grandaughter. Take care of the only people that really need you and right now your daughter needs to hit her own rock bottom because all of the enabling has only allowed her to use for this long. What you can do is let her know that if she is serious about being completely sober, then and only then will you help her get into a program and only after a year of sobriety and getting her life back together on her own will you think about allowing her back into your life. These boundaries help you but they will also help her make a choice. Addicts will choose drugs every time unless they no longer have a choice. Enabling helps them never have to make that decision.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  238. My daughter is a meth addict , I’ve finally after 5 months ago drew boundaries and finally moved forward in life ! We also adopted her 8 year old daughter ‘ since I’m walking a different path she has contacted my husband to talk and see her daughter ! This has aiccured numerous times and I just don’t want to go there again ! It pains me not to but know it’s right however I also have some of my siblings trying to force me to see and talk to her again and to give her another chance ! I’m confused but tired as it’s been 15 years of this roller coaster

  239. My daughter is a meth addict , I’ve adopted her 8 year old daughter ! I have disconnected from her and now she wants to talk again and see her daughter ! My family is enabling her and providing thinking they can save her ! Since I’ve disconnected my life is much more content ! I don’t know how to treat this because if I tell her no my family will tell me all the reasons why I should let her in ! I’m tired and I’ve done this for 15 years

  240. Hailey,
    You have answered your own inquiry. Yes you are used to addiction and subconciously I would bet you chose this man because this is what you know and in some way we recreate the past in order to fix it. We do this without even knowing it. The key is to become aware of it and the change unfortunately is not going to come from him, it has to come from you. If you keep going on the way things are going, you are going to get more of the same. If you make a change, you will break the cycle. You have to be ready for that change. It doesn’t have to happen overnight so I would recommend making a plan and then executing it. I would find support, friends, family, groups, al-anon, anything that can help YOU through this because at this point that is what you need to focus on. The focus has to be off of him and you are going to have to detach from him emotionally or this won’t work. They key to that is worrying about you, your children and how you can make it on your own. Please pick up Hope Street if you can, I really think it will help you see things more clearly.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  241. Clyde,
    First and foremost, you need to seek treatment. I am glad you are willing to admit you are a drug addict and that needs to be your main focus right now. You need to save yourself because it sounds like addiction is ruining your life all around. How can you have a good relationship as an addict and with an addict?
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  242. Sasha,
    At this point, what do you need him around for? It sounds like you are doing everything, work, household responsibilities, raising your children. You are at the point of depression and suicide and it sounds like he is out there enjoying himself. He may have a problem but to me it sounds like you need the immediate help. Please find a therapist to help you because you have two girls that depend on you and to see you like this cannot be good for them either. Please read Hope Street, as this is my first line of help for people who are stuck. I have been right where you are. There is another side, there is a way out of all of this. I am more than happy to help you find it, find yourself, find your strength and courage to make that happen, but you have to be willing to make changes. Let me know, I am here to help.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  243. Boogie and Rain,
    As cliche as this sounds, time will heal your pain. The other, most important part of getting through this is to move on with your life, get back to doing the things that made you happy and focus on gaining back your independence. The things an addict steals from you are mostly, confidence, self-love, self-respect, and happiness. The good news is that without him, you can get those things back but you have to do the work to get that back. That is what my book, Hope Street, is about and that is what my articles will help you with.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  244. Boogie,
    As cliche as this sounds, time will heal your pain. The other, most important part of getting through this is to move on with your life, get back to doing the things that made you happy and focus on gaining back your independence. The things an addict steals from you are mostly, confidence, self-love, self-respect, and happiness. The good news is that without him, you can get those things back but you have to do the work to get that back. That is what my book, Hope Street, is about and that is what my articles will help you with.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  245. Rhonda,
    The only advice I can give you is to let go because at this point, he has refused any help even though there are other treatment options for him. Have you tried an intervention with your entire family and an experienced interventionist? That is probably your last hope. Addicts will usually only top using when they decide it is time and not before, even at the urging of their loved ones. I am sure you have experienced this and that is why you are here. I can only, at this point, help you help yourself because you cannot help an addict who does not genuinely want to change. This blog, my book, Hope Street, and my articles are about you and how to get you out of this situation and to help get your life back. You have to be ready for this step and make the commitment to let him go and then take the steps to do that which involve ending any enabling and focusing on your own emotional health and happiness.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  246. I have been with the father f my three beautiful kids for almost 9 years now. When we first met it was still party party party so i didnt mind the “party” too much.I fell pregnant rather early into the relationship and started noticing that there was more to his “party” than he put on. He has been in rehab 4 times snce whave been together and two or three times before that. The amount of material goods we have lost, the homes, always broke, always dealing with lies…..im empty but i just cant find a way out. All i even do is fight and threaten and now to him all i am about is empty threats. The sad thing is that he is such an amazing person and with me growing u with an alcoholic as a father and watching him live and die on the street eventually, perhaps that is why im trying to fix my fiance and protect him from that life. We have had many good times and i love him dearly but my kids are getting big now and we honestly cant go on like this Im broken and Im tired of being tired. He has been on and off now for the past four or five months where he can stay clean for up to 7 weeks (giving me hope) then he will relapse again. Id there hope? When he uses i try to tell him to leave, he wont… then when he uses so much and gets suicidal….. how am i supposed to explain that to the kids. I dont want to tell anyone about what i am going through cause why would i be putting myself through it in the first place??? Im sick of always being the strong one and picking the pieces up. All i want is to give my kids a happy life and God knows im trying. Please help. I love him…. will he change… can he?? Hes trying but is it enough……

    Confused and torn….

    Broken

  247. I am a drug addict. My wife is a drug addict that cheats on me then gets physically violent when I try to talk to her about my emotional pain that her infidelity has caused. Over the last 3 years I have left her because of her behavior.financial issues also play a bag part in our fighting. We have both been arrested for domestic violence but not tried or convicted. The latest separation seems like the last because I have told her before if she physically harms me again we would be done. But I love and miss her. My support person told me I need to seek counceling for battered spouses. I have a very difficult decision to make. We have been married 18 years. I am very torn up.

  248. Dear Amanda, please help me. I’ve two daughters age 15 & 10. My husband is a pleasure seeking creature. I know him since we both were 15 years old, got married at 27 years old. He has been smoking pot since 16 years old. I only know that he has been smoking pots in 2010, ever since then I couldn’t bring myself to trust him. He comes back high and I get very annoyed. He doesn’t comes back home for dinner on time. If he is not smoking pot, then he will be drinking with his friends. He is away from home most of the time and says he only spends some time with his friends and why am I making a big fuss since he provide. I am also working, so we share the expenses. I get depressed and have suicidal thought, so matter how I cry or beg him to be a responsible father, he only thinks about his pleasure. He goes holidays with his friends 3 to 4 times per year. He has got no savings and doesn’t save for the gals. He is away from home returning back very late 3 to 4 times per week and also he will be gone on weekends to smoke pot and drink beer with his friends. I really pains me to think at how he treats me. It’s like he can do whatever he wants and I still have to behave a wife to him. It has came to me I cannot take it anymore, I want to call the cops on him. Will man like him ever change? He has now gone holiday with his friends but he has lied to me that only 2 friends are going when actually 3 of them have gone. He knows I don’t like one of his friends and he has hide the truth from me. What a fraud.

  249. Other people are going through this right now. Honestly. I’m so naive I thought I was the only one. What a terrible time I’m having of it. I have left after 3 years a cocaine addict and alcoholic. I have watched his decline I have screamed and cried. I’m angry at cocaine it has taken everything from me. My amazing, hardworking gorgeous man. My home, my hopes, my dreams. Where do I go from here? Someone please tellme I’ll be ok and will be able to let him go because I miss him, my God I miss him and I love him more than words can say. I can’t have a life full of worry and disappointment anymore. I am drowning in sadness

  250. I have been with my fiance for all most 7 years now. I am 30 and he is 32! Tony had a fear of commitment which was slowly deteriorating our relationship and destroying my life. I was severely depressed and contact to Dr MOON for help. Needless to say I was very desperate! With Dr. MOO intervention, my HELP were finally answered. I am proud to say were are finally happily married! Thank you so much Doctormoontemple778 @ gmail . com ! I am extremely grateful.

  251. I finally got the confidence to leave my toxic relationship. I just recently separated with my drug dealing/ addict boyfriend. Why does it hurt! When his lies. Mia, will not get a legal job. Would not help me with any bils. He constantly tells me this his last move, I’m only seeing my ex cause she spends money! How do I Get over what he did to my heart, womanhood, my pride. I feel stupid for allowing him so many chances.

  252. Hi, I am so relieved to have found your site. I have been married for 24 years and have one grown daughter whom is currently engaged. My husband suffered a back injury a few years ago and has gone down hill ever since. He started with physical therapy and shots in the spine. He eventually refused surgery and decided he would live with the pain. He had it in his mind if they operated he may never walk again. He refused no matter what I said or tried. He then began purchasing pain pills on the street and smoking Pot. He then realized as long as he kept moving it hurt less or at least distracted him from his suffering. The pain pills quit working and he bag an meth behind my back. I was suspicious however if you compare meth use and chronic pain the symptoms are the same. In January I found it and since realized this probably began the summer of 2014. We split for a couple of weeks then he moved into another building on our property . He was trying for 2 or 3 weeks and I let him move back into the house. then I noticed the old habits were returning. He went back to his building and we rarely communicate but he slips into my bed at night when he actually needs sleep. I refuse to have relations with him as I have recently learned he has started to use heroin. Not shooting up at this point to my knowledge He says he is dying and the drugs make it easier. Says he feels the life slipping away every day. I have sympathy to an extent due to his injury but he has his choices to blame as well. He refuses to walk my daughter down the isle at her wedding or even attend. He seems to care only for himself. And doesn’t truly do that. I am at the end of my rope but struggle with the thought of him being sick truly ill and not being close enough to watch out for a heart attack or overdose. It has been a real struggle and I have genuine fear of his actions affecting me in a medical way therefore I do keep my distance. He still refuses to go to the doctor to at least find out if he has a terminal illness aside for the drug addiction. Says he will do this his way. Any insight is appreciated. Thanks so much!

  253. Marie,
    If he is not using again, what he is doing is not part of a recovered addict. He is replacing one addiction with another, gambling. I know, my ex-addict husband did this for 12 years with myself and my daughter. Drugs, drinking, insane health kicks, gambling, Casino, extravagent trips, houses, cars, back to drugs… it never end untthil they really change their lifestyle, behavior and stay in recovery every single day of their lives. It is up to you what you do next but I think if you left and went at things alone you would get a lot farther ahead financially and in many other ways, This is part of who he is, infact, it tooke me the whole 12 years to recognize that the part I loved was just a facade and a very small part of a person I thought he was.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  254. David,
    Have you read Hope Street? You will learn that I too, could not stop thinking about my ex-husband to the point where even after I found him overdosed, I still would not leave him. I married him and had a child. I know the picture of insanity and the thoughts that occupy your mind, that is what the book is about. I wrote it so that you will feel understood and then the flip side of it to help give you inspiration and understand why you are obsessing over another person. These issues are deep rooted and have nothing to do with him but more to do with you. Your issues are what is keeping you stuck and until you deal with them, you will remain on this roller coaster. Believe me, it took 12 years for me to figure things out and move on. I didn’t want others to suffer so that’s why I do what I do.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  255. Hello.

    I feel like I am so very lost. I have been married for almost 13 years and we have two children, 10 and 6. It has been a rollercoaster to say the least. My husband was abusing Percocet probably since only about a year or two into our marriage. It has cost him jobs, brought us to financial ruin (he was lying to me about where our money was going…not a unique tale, I know), we lost our house and brought a world of hurt on those in his wake. He went into rehab and has been sober for 2 years and 8 months.

    I chose to forgive him and move forward. I made the conscious decision to help and support him in his recovery…I wouldn’t walk out on him if he was diagnosed with cancer, or diabetes, and I wasn’t going to walk out on him when he was suffering with the disease of addiction…provided he was doing what he needed to to remain sober. He has been doing very well with that, thank God.

    However, there are many things that have happened over the course of the past year or so that have me freaking out now. He has always liked to gamble and has a family that shares this love. I make good money, he works very hard and makes money to contribute but I just had a feeling something was off. Long story a tad shorter…he has spent in this month alone almost $800 in online gambling (and that is only that i know of). Mind you, we have no savings whatsoever, live in a rental, are behind in some bills and have had our power, cable, water shut off on us several times. My mother has helped us out with money many times. I freaked out, first of all, to see the blatant lack of respect for our family’s well being and also because of the deja-vu I was experiencing. When I confront him about it (angrily, yes) he gets so defensive, says he needs to have some sort of outlet for his sanity since he works so hard and lacks free time to do what he enjoys doing (like golfing, etc) and that I drive him to it because I am messy and he cannot think in our house and he does this to escape. Pinning it on me. No remorse, no nothing. I have confronted him many times on this same issue and yet nothing changes.

    I am so sick of being the deadbeats of the family…never having money, always having to have people offer to treat us because we don’t have the money to do this or that (even though I make a great living…the money just goes). My kids are getting too old and aware and I am so tired of this life. I love him so deeply but I am starting to think that I fell in love with a version of him that he presented to me and not who he really is. It kills me to think of life apart from him but I don’t know what to do. I am feeling so lost.

  256. Giving up on him is very difficult, as its accompanied by pain, lots of crying and tears, inability to relate to other men in any way, shape, or form. In in school and it’s hard to remove my focus from thinking about him. Still going to the gym, and work is good.

    Can’t figure out why I’m still rolling the residue of him around in my head. This obviously needs to stop, yet seems to be the biggest impedance so far.

    Again, any advice on how to approach these intrusive negative thoughts of him is greatly appreciated.

    Thanks Again,
    David

  257. Left my high functioning cocaine addict boyfriend. I fee the pains of missing him frequently, although I accept he’s an addict, compulsive liar, and cheater who, looking back, could never have actually loved me, or anyone, more than cocaine. He’s very successful at his job, has a great house that may need some work, is very socially popular, very attractive, super muscular(roids), socially fun, as well as a known drug addict in KCMO’s LGBT community.

    He broke my heart without caring in the least about how and to what extent he hurt me, physically and emotionally. I’m having a very difficult time not thinking about him. I know he’ll never change and that for my sanity I need to never go near him or talk to him ever again. Useless as it may be, In my mind, I still m argue with him and demand answers regarding his drug abuse, cheating, compulsive lying, and leading a double life supported by a masterful facade. Answers I’m aware I’ll never get, acknowledgements I’ll never hear, admissions of his actions that won’t ever happen, etc. I called his work because I know he does cocaine while he’s on the clock and driving. I also alerted the DEA since he purchases steroids illegally from a pharm rep. I’m a nurse and believe he’s a danger to himself and others. Told his family, they also couldn’t care less.

    I clearly need to care less about anything to do with him and can’t seem to find the strength to do so. Trying to tell myself what I would tel anyone coming to me with this problem. Not too successful at that. Went to an alnon meeting. Not for me. Please give me some advice I can work with until I see a psychiatrist/psychologist.

    Thanks,
    David

  258. Frances,
    Anything you do that makes their life easier so that they don’t have to do the things they should be doing is enabling. This is much harder to distinguish with a child because it is instictual to love, care for and protect but in this situation, you want to do the opposite. You want to let your son fall because enabling him or helping him only allows him to use more and makes it easier. You want him to stop and the only way he might ever do that is if he understands fully the repercussions of his actions
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  259. I’m so confused with “detatching with love”. I don’t know right from doing wrong anymore. Is part of detatching not cooking for my son as I’ve done up to now amongst lots of other things but that’s the one gets me the most. He is almost 27 going on 15

  260. anna, j gomez, anna k,
    I really hope you can all understand your role in being with and loving an addict. The addict won’t change and the only thing that can change in your situation is YOU. The guilt may there because you feel you are abandoning this person but I truly believe from my own experience that the guilt lies in not being able to save this person and you have to come to a place where you realize you cannot save anyone but yourself. You have to comitt to leave and then take the steps, the guilt, the pain and the tears will subside in time and when you are working on you and not focusing on him. I truly hope you get to that place sooner than later because things will continue to go in circles until you stop them. Please keep reading my other articles here to help you gain the tools (click on my name Amanda Andruzzi at the top or bottom and 35+ articles will appear). Have you read Hope Street? I think this might help all of you really feel understood and know that I am coming from the same place and give you insight and hope.
    Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  261. Hello. I have been in a hot and cold relationship with an addict for three years. During the course of this time, the emotional abuse has taken a toll on my self-esteem and my vision of relationships. I have been to counseling, my friends and family have supported me, and I am still struggling to free myself from the grip of this codependent relationship. The hardest part is that the attic keeps returning, and even though I try to distance myself, I am drawn back in because he tells me I am cruel if I ignore him. Obviously, by playing on my emotions, he has been able to continue to draw me in. But after he draws me in, he rejects me harshly or picks fights for no reason, or goes missing in action for days at a time. He is obviously a master of deception, and he seems to enjoy trying to exert power and control over most situations… Including how quickly I texted him back or pressuring me for sex without fully committing to a relationship. We’re going to eat dinner together, enjoying the evening, and then hours later, receiving a break up email from him. In any case, it is a struggle every day, because he does not leave me alone. It is a cyclical situation and I don’t know how to break free. Any support is appreciated!

  262. how do i make my strong in the middle of the anxiety?
    and why even when i already have 10 or 12 month out of it for not reason i go back to it?

  263. Shelly G. and Sara,
    I understand the hold this situation has on you. Have you read Hope Street yet? It is my account of 12 years with an addict through marriage and a child and my story of how I broke free. I was just like you both, stuck and I did not know why, I was educated, intelligent and always independent and could not figure out why I could not muster up the courage to leave. Even a strong person has insecurities that an addict will be able to manipulate and sometimes we choose these relationships because they do something for us, or we are reliving a past situation and trying desperately and subconsciously to fix it. There are many reasons we stay and part of you letting go is finding out what those are and dealing with them so you don’t make the same mistakes. I went through this journey and so I try to share my experience with others to help them and inspire them to do it themselves. It can be done, you can let go and you can leave, especially if there is violence, you must get out of that situation. You can call upon people that you love, even if they disown you because if you are serious about not going back you will be surprised how people will support you. My suggestion is to reach out for help and be ready to not go back.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  264. Samantha,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain you are going through and I know that you will get through this but you must experience the loss and grieving right now. Please seek help, therapy, and any support that will help you through this, you need it right now.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  265. Sophie,
    I am so sorry for you. This situation sounds very bad. I want to offer you advice but I cannot tell you how to let go of your father and I know you love him dearly. At least you understand that he is no longer your father when he is under the influence. He seems to be beyond the point where anyone can help him. I would urge you to seek counseling and al-anon right away so you can learn some skills and tools to help you understand the addiction and how it is negatively affecting you. Please try to understand that sometimes people have to let go or another person’s addiction will destroy them and that people do care. You are in a very tough situation and I really hope you find the answers you need to help you through this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  266. Crystal,
    Don’t leave until you are ready to NEVER go back, otherwise you are just showing him that he has a revolving door. You need to be ready to start working on you for you to leave. No one can tell you when you are ready for that. I would start by detachment and starting to work on you, therapy, al-anon, getting back to the things you used to do before you were always worried about him, then when you feel stronger and more independent, that is when you leave so you never go back. Have you read Hope Street, please do and read the 38 other articles I have written on this site, it will help you find the courage.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  267. Diane,
    You are in for a very difficult time. Unfortunately there are no right answers. If you take her home, she WILL continue to lie and use drugs so what is your best alternative? For most people, especially parents it is the hardest thing to do, but letting your child hit her rock bottom is probably your only control and recourse. If you enable her, even a little bit, she will use drugs, you know that now. Addicts are on a different level, she is no longer your daughter, she is a liar, a user, a manipulator and it is the hardest thing in the world to see but you have to let her take this addiction on her own course so that when she is ready, she will go into a recovery. A very risky decision because you never know if they will overdose. If you have already tried recovery with her and it did not work then you have to be firm now and you did the right thing. You need her to come to the conclusion that she needs help on her own. You tell her you love her and you will be there to support her when she is ready for recovery but you will not watch her destroy herself. I would start an al-anon or family support group right away to help you deal with detachment, understand enabling and letting go. You need to apply these concepts now more than ever. I have written a lot about that here so please click on my name in this article and all of my articles will appear, as well as the link to my book, Hope Street. I am a mother of three children and know that letting go of a child is the worst feeling any person can experience but I also know you need help for you so that you can allow her to take her addiction on her own course and give her a chance to hit her rock bottom. You have done everything you can, support, recovery program, a house over her head, financial support and she is still using, what more can you do?
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  268. Michelle,
    It is important to reach out and good to find someone who understands your plight. My concern is that you may start to enable one another if you are both not moving forward. I would find someone or a group like al-anon who has been through it already so that they can help guide you out of this situation. Sometimes the weak become the strong.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  269. I have been on and off again with my fiance for 5 years now. I just moved out of state with him and I’m in such a bad situation, we split for 5 months and he begged for me to come back he needed me he loved me he was better, drugs were never really something I thought were a huge problem lemon for him. He took pills here and there, but over the last few months he has become addicted to cocaine. He has become physically and mentally abusive. I now have bruises all over my. Key amd it makes me sick. I just sit here and think why would I let this happen this is not me why ishould the thought of loosing him so devastating. The man I fell in love with was so good and so pure, and now he just destroys everything in site. I know I need to get out this is not healthy and I could end up dead if I don’t leave so why do I still love him so much. I feel like wow I’m 30 I’m supposed to be getting married and having children and I just wasted my life how will I ever have that now. My situation is rough because I have completely let him pit me into debt, I can’t afford to live on. My own with all the bills we have most of wich are in my name, and if I file for bankruptcy I may not be able to get a job because I work in the financial industry. My family disowned me when I took him back and I have no one and don’t know how to get out of this situation. I’m so mad at myself I used to be so together finances in order, independent, so full of life, and iv let him take all that away from me. Why can’t I hate him? How do i get out with no resources. I came across this site and reading all these stories just makes me so sad, all of you are dealing with something similar, why is it so hard for us to cope. Iv lost all my strength I have no fight left I’m just a mess I feel like a shell the old me is just gone and I don’t know how to fix it. He dosent think he has a problem because he dosent do it every day but it is becoming more frequent and we just fight and fight and then it becomes dangerous
    After the fights he feels bad and trust to make up for it and I see that glimpse of the man that I love. I am now an addict addicted to him and it makes me sick. How could I be with someone who has lied cheated and abused me it makes me sick and I still don’t know how to just detach myself. We have been fighting all week and I made him a nice diner today and he calls me to scream and tell me he won’t be home he’s gonna go be a man and get high on coke with his friends. I know I don’t deserve this I just want so badly for him to get help and I have no one to help me even get away. I feel stuck and isolated. My car isn’t even working right now and I have no money to fix it so I’m really stuck I take busses and trains everywhere I need to go, and I’m forced to depend on him so much and he knows it. Any advice is appreciated I know this situation is bad and I need to figure out how to get away from it and be ok.

  270. Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We do not live together. These last 3 years have been very difficult.. because he has been using meth. He has stold from me and my roommates which was so embarrassing and I had to pay for what he took and move out. They have also filed police report against him. Since i work i know i have been an enabler to some degree for sometimes giving him $ or paying some of his bills. He has been in jail before and i was there during that time for him also. He is very manipulative, cold toward me, and he verbally and physically abused me. He would also bring alot of girls to his place and he claims they would only smoke but i dont believe it. I know he would bring girls because his stepmom told me and they have cameras in thr house because his own family dont trust him. I’m also close to his family. I have found him hanging out with other women also outside the home. When he does have $ he will get rooms and invite women with him. And spend time and his $ on them instead of me. He will get furious if i confront him or any of the women. He doesn’t seem to enjoy spending time with me no more or be the person he was in the beginning that i fell in love with. He says he don’t want to break up bUT I don’t see him putting time or effort. There are times I don’t hear from him he will turn off his phone and he’s so verbally agressive that I think twice to call him. I do not use drugs myself and I know I should of walked away from him long time ago. Honestly, I want to leave him. I do. But I don’t know why I feel bad and stick around. He also makes me feel guilty because I filed domestic violence against him because he was aggressive and did put hands on me. I want to leave him and I don’t understand why I just don’t leave him. I’ve broken up with past bfs before. . . I hate myself for not having the guts to leave this guy… I know there’s nothing I can do for him aND as of now I don’t see him changing anytime soon. I lost hope in that. I am not happy and I feel ashamed for being with him this long and for the person he has become.

  271. Hello Amanda. I have submitted here awhile back last year. I guess I didn’t really have anywhere else to turn to. I am broken, depressed. My boyfriend who had been doing well relapsed two weeks ago and passed away from overdose. Everything was going well for him. He had a new non stressful job at a rehab facility, signed a lease for our new apartment, and we were going on a trip to Florida together. Everyday feels so long, and I barely have any energy to get up. He was my best friend, we were together for 4 years. I miss him so much, I could barely function. I know people say “time heals” but I don’t know if I could live with all this pain inside of me every single moment that I’m awake.

  272. Hello, I’m almost 18 and my dad has been taking crack and smoking heroin for a very long time

    He has lost all his family and connections he once had, his mum has even given up on him but for some reason I can’t leave him

    He has hit rock bottom recently I would say, looks so terrible and very skinny (just Bones really) and I am really worried he is going to die soon as he also drinks too and don’t want to leave him to go through all these struggles on his own as inside I really love my dad

    I always research ways to help and I understand I can’t help unless he tries to help himself & also understand because of his actions he cares more about crack and heroin than he does about me

    But after knowing all of these things I still can’t let go from my dad and love him so deeply as I know the man he really is inside beneath all of that violence and drugs controlling his brain

    Actually currently the current situation is he has called police and asked them to help as he was in fear of his life, the number he called from can’t be traced and basically nobody is helping or caring that he is actually missing at the moment and might be dead because everyone has given up on him but I am worried because I know he might be dead some where and the police aren’t doing anything cos he’s an addict and won’t go and look for him as he can be anywhere

    If my dad is dead obviously I will have to force myself to move on and let go etc through grieving, but if he isn’t as he does often go missing for long periods of time then show up how can I deal with NOT SPEAKING TO HIM and having NO CONTACT and NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM IN DANGER and stuff like this because I worry so much

    Everyone I know doesn’t want me to have contact with him but I find this difficult to practise as I know he has nobody but me and also because even if he didn’t have me he would still do it either way but I feel as if he is going to die soon and don’t want to leave him in his time of need the most

  273. My ole man and i are both struggling with addiction, but when we attempt to quit using one drug of choice, he goes back to using a different drug. Which is just as damaging as the first drug. It causes him to blow all his money and he becomes dishonest, sneaky, distant, short with words. Possessive over his phone, and a total as whole. I’m ready to call it quits because I see another episode of him leaving again, and making it out like it’s my fault we are fighting cuz I’m tripping again, coming on. How do I build up the courage to leave before I get my heaartbroken again?

  274. My daughter relapsed for the third time. We had a contract to live in our home, she was doing great over last 3 months, has a job, followed curfew, went to IOP, went to meetings, then Friday evening she used(heroin) and OD’d. When she came to she refused treatment, says it was just a slip up. I got into her phone and see it was more then just a slip, she has been using, she even got a ticket on the way to a deal for tailgating and driving recklessly. We gave her the opportunity to seek help or she had to leave our home, she chose to leave since we would not give into her begging to stay. Now we are worried not knowing where she is, she has no phone, no car, no money. Now we are wondering Did we do the Right thing? We are so worried about her, the not knowing scares us as much as seeing her overdose. Any suggestions, she is 26 we don’t have any legal recourse.

  275. So… he’s disappeared on me again. I’m sitting here alone, angered by the nerve of him… to just disappear without a word. Yet, he does this on a monthly basis. I’m both so sorry to read so many stories of otherwise smart and successful women, like myself (a nurse), suffer at the hands of an adict… yet, relieved that I’m not alone. I am always sorta seeking out someone to talk to about this problem, yet I remain alone in it because I’d never in a million years admit to family or friends that he has this problem and that I ‘allow’ it to go on in my life. They would never understand that from someone as strong and bold as they believe I am. But behind closed doors, we are much more vulnerable to the one’s we love. Just the thought of letting go brings about a pain that pierces the soul… there are no words. Because absent of the drugs, they are wonderful and loving… our best friend. How do we let them go? I know… but we must.

    Anyway, I have an idea that anyone who shares the same struggle as I do, as we do, and thinks that they might benefit from having someone ‘anonymous’ to talk, to lean on when those ‘moments’ are the hardest emotionally, then I’m willing to be that person… because I need the same. I give up trying to find websites for that purpose. So, if you need someone in the same boat and want to talk…

  276. Annie,
    I know the flip side, so desperately you want to see the person you fell in love with and have others understand why you stay. They just will not understand unless they have faced the same demons. He is lost and you have become lost in him. You have to let go and commit to it or else you will keep going back and second guessing your decision. If you allow him to, he will destroy your life over those drugs.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  277. Victoria,
    I know it does not feel like it now but he is doing you a favor. By leaving, he will allow you to grieve and then move on but don’t be surprised when the drugs run out if he comes back making more empty promises. The strength has to come from you and you have to want to get better yourself and move on. I know the exact pain and point you are at, I have been there, the shell of the person I was, sick and so sad most days I didn’t wear makeup because my tears would smear my mascara anyway. The book can be purchased at archway publishing or on amazon or B&N, the ebook is inexpensive. However, I need you to focus on this blessing, he gave you the key and so you know he cannot get back in your home. This is a point in life where you can go one way or another but the choice is yours.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  278. So i got the restraining order today because divorce will only go through in couple of weeks. Last night he knocked on my grade 2 ‘s teachers door for money and then another teacher. So she phoned me today and now i have a meeting with the headmaster today. I feel so lost, he was my best friend, im doing this all alone. Friends are there for you up to a point then they distance themselves from it if you keep going back. Nobody but people that has gone through this will ever understand. I hold onto your hope of a future, because even as we speak i want to tell these people he is not a bad person. Which he isnt, bas his bad choices, disease, whatever it is will destroy me and my kids.

  279. Annie, I do understand and that is why I wrote Hope Street. You will see that I have been right where you are and know firsthand all of the pain you experience. But I also wrote it to show you the other side of the pain if you are willing to let go and move on. That is the part I really want you to get.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  280. Sherry,
    Be sure he is on real, you will know it because he will be an open book. One little lie, one little secret or just a feeling in your gut is enough to know he is not serious. You are taking a risk but I cannot tell you what to do. If you have moved on then I would keep moving if I could.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
    View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  281. thank you so much for responding. After the entire incident, I became so depressed I went out and purchased alcohol for myself came home got drunk and cried my eyes out to him. Idk why I did this. Maybe so he can open his eyes to what he has to done me? Well that night we talked and Ofcourse he promised he would stop. A few days went by and he was going through withdrawal so I knew he wasn’t using for a little. He even told me an entire story on how disgusted he is with himself and he wants to be successful. Well, another day passed and I came home from work and he left to go to his friends. He said he would be back in an hour. I fell asleep and woke up at 3am to see he still wasn’t home. He didn’t get home until 5 in the morning. When he got home, he went into the bathroom. When he came out all I did was ask why he was in there for so long and that started a giant fight and I could tell he was either high or needing to get High. He told me he was leaving to his friends (his drug dealer). He told me his “friend” was more supportive than me. I kneeled on the ground begging him crying not to leave me and that if he left its over. He chose to leave. When he gave me his key to the apartment, there was cocaine on it. It’s been all day and I haven’t heard from him. I also saw he took $100 from my bank account last night. I can’t believe this. I am so depressed. I want to read your book. Idk who to turn too. How much is your book?? Thank you so much

  282. Thank you . Im ready to let go. Its just horrible having him under my roof, and i cant do anything about it. I did send the lawyer an email, hope she will help me. Im paying 21000 rand off a divorce i cancelled and 2 restrainingorders i cancelled. So hoping i can get one again and stick to my guns. He stole more money out of my account knowing its to pay stuff, and im in the waiting period for him to become mr niceguy again so i can communicate with him and i somehow feel he grasps a little bit of the pain he has caused. Its hard if you have given so much of yourselve to a person, loved them through some hurtfull situations, and they eventually turn around and call you the most hurtfull names and says he will expose me for who i really am. My heart turns from the pain, and every word is like a stabwound. I guess im just venting because i just want someone to understand this pain. I WILL not turn back and i cant wait to order the book tmr. Regarda Annie

  283. Hello, I finally left my addict boyfriend 2 months ago, now he says he’s getting help and wants me in his future. At this point, how do I know it’s not bs this time. I can’t trust him anymore. We had a 2 year relationship. Please help.

  284. Jill,
    An intervention is to help him see he needs help. If you are done and just want him gone, simply call the police, tell them he is using illegal drugs in your home and have him escorted out of your house, change your number, get an order of protection and do not respond to any attempts at contacting you. If you want to help him, an intervention could be effective with the help of his friends and family and a trained interventionist and an action plan for what happens when he walks out that door. It’s your choice.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  285. Victoria,
    The only way I can help you is not by telling you but by showing you. The reason I wrote this blog, articles and my book, Hope Street, is to help you understand your feelings and what you are going through. I too, have been EXACTLY where you are at. I chose to stay and stick it out. Please pick up Hope Street so that I can help you get a glimpse into your future if you do not stop now and help yourself, gain your independence and focus on your own healing and recovery from this traumatic experience. Keep reading the other 38 plus articles I have written here, click on my name Amanda Andruzzi and they will all come up.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  286. Annie,
    Your rational self knows you did nothing wrong, except maye allow his behavior which enables addiction. Your rational self knows he is just deflecting off of himself by blaming you for cheating so that he doesn’t have to deal with his addiction. If he is angry at you then you are too busy defending yourself to let him have it about his addiction. His behavior is typical addict behavior. Every time you have had enough and he turns loving again lets him know he has a revolving door. YOu can do this on your own, I did, with much debt from my ex and with our child. Read Hope Street, I wrote it to inspire others going through this. You can leave, you can become independent and you can be happy again. You cannot change him, guilt him into sobriety or force him to recover, that is just the torture we submit ourselves too to make the life we are leading palatable. You need to let go.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  287. Melissa,
    Did you read Hope Street? I faced that same dilemma and did what I could. My ex detroyed our cars while driving and thank the Lord no one was hurt. You should not regret it as you could have saved his life or better yet someone else’s life if he was high and driving. Let him blame you all he wants but you need to let go of him and focus on you right now. I am sure the person who may be alive because of what you did would want to thank you.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  288. Alicia,
    Look at this statement you made “I hate that I can’t convince him of the truth why we are failing in our relationship.” That is a pretty bold statement. What makes you think you can convince an addict of anything? This is not about convincing or showing and it took me 12 years to realize that myself with my ex-husband and addict. The only thing you can do is save yourself, addiction is not personal, even though it feels that way. Your boyfriend is acting as all addicts do, lies, blame, anger, followed by apology and empty promises. You are on the cycle of addiction and co-addiction. It is up to you to get off.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  289. I am currently seeking advice/ guidance for how to kick my drug-addicted boyfriend out of our houae and lives. He is playing me and everyone after many years of sobriety and he needs to go. He will not go at my request. Should I stage an intervention?

  290. Hello. I have been doing such research lately with all of this. I don’t know where to begin. I am such a mess over this. I have been with my BF for 4 years. We have basically lived together since day 1. We are best friends. I love him more than myself it feels like at this point. A year ago I found out he has been doing heroin. He got into some trouble. For awhile he hadn’t picked it up or other drugs. He started going back to school and was so excited to be in school. He has dreams or going into the army. He has been working hard at his job. Recently I had to take a trip to the hospital with him because he has been sick. In the hospital i found out he has been using not only heroin but Cocaine and crack cocaine. It all makes sense. I would go into my bathroom and smell something funny and confront him of it and he would make up these ellaborate lies and make me feel stupid for “accusing him”. He checked himself out of the hospital just to go get high. He is only 26. I am so heartbroken. U never think these things will happen to u. I am stuck. I feel like I know u have to leave him but I am so scared for him. I love him so much and haven’t ate in 3 days I have no appetite. I am sick to my stomach. I feel myself becoming depressed. I don’t want to leave the house, eat, workout or do anything I used to love doing. I kicked him out and he is living in a friends house. But the friend he is living with also has drugs in the house. My BF has cried to me on his knees that he will choose me over drugs. He basically told me he has been using cocaine off and on the entire 4 years we were together but recently tried crack cocaine. He is so sick and looks awful. His personality is so different and he is extremely moody but I know he loves me so much. I feel so bad for him and his sick soul.i wanna see him succeed. And return to school or follow his dream of the army. Do I take him for the help?! What do I do. I am stuck and so depressed. I love him and am so sad that this has happened to him….

  291. Pls get back to me. Financially im ruined because of him, we build onto a house but he did not pay builders ect ect. If i dont work i sont get paid so jm working through lunch everyday to pay eveeything. As soon as he has some money he has a fall again then blaim my apparent infedility on it. Its so traumatic to be accused of these things if your completely innocent.

  292. Hi im 35, my husband 45, 2 beautiful girls, 7 and 3, who loves their dad dearly. My husband is 2 people, the loving father and person with all thw drive in the world, and then any time turns into a monster that uses drugs and blame it on me. He has been falsely accusing me of a relationship with a young boy that stays in our house for 3 days. And he is obsessed with it. But he also used druggs before that. As soon as i cant take it any more, he turns completely normal, he is so sorry and everything goes well for a time. I need to let go of him, even the nice part of him that i love so much and that his little girls adore.

  293. My husband if 21 years has been on meth for two years, I did use with him selfomky it made me feel close to him instead of ignored. When I was having a hard time I called a police officer to get advice on what I could possibly do for him. I told the officer I loved my husband dearly and just wanted him to get help. I let the officer know many detail s of the situation hoping to get guidance instead he was pulled over two days later and his car was impounded with meth inside. Know my husband completely blames me and says I have betrayed him he sees me as being the sole purpose fir him getting I trouble I had no idea my name would be smeared all over this I just felt helpless but calling a police officer was probably not a good idea and I do regret it very much

  294. My bf is addicted to pills. He once was addicted to heroin. He called me a blessing that walked into his life. Now. Everyday we fight cause he comes home high after promising he’s done cause he says he wants me more than the drugs. But when we fight he blames me. He said he uses cause I make him miserable. But really I’m miserable cause he keeps letting me down. I hate that I can’t convince him of the truth why we are failing in our relationship. He left me tonight cause he blames me for all our misery and fighting. It just hurts cause it’s not fair for me to allow him to hurt me and lie and me not stand up for myself. I hate it that I lost him when I fought so hard and put up with all kinds of abuse cause I know it’s not who he is. It’s the drugs. He said he was ready to fight his addiction yesterday but then came home high today. I get so mad, and now he’s gone. He tells me he loves me but it’s for the best cause I make him miserable. I really know in my heart I’m only miserable cause he keeps letting me down. Everyday I look forward to him coming home cause apart of me believes he won’t be High when he gets here I get so excited to spend the evening with him but then he gets here and is high and I have to be upset and angry. I hate it. I put so much of myself into this relationship and now it’s over.

  295. Jodi,
    I am not going to be just another person telling you that things will get better, especially when those people have never loved an addict, I am a living example of it. I was with my ex-husband, addict and father of our daughter for 12 years. Leaving was the hardest part and the only way to tell you it is going to be okay is by letting you know it will hurt and you will feel a great deal of pain until one day you don’t. You start getting out there and living your own life, meeting new people, going to therapy and realizing that you never really wanted what he had to offer any way. You have to do the work, focus on you and your own healing but one day you will wake up and it will hurt less and less and then life gets in the way of your hurt and it is suddenly gone.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  296. I officially moved out of my marital home on January 23, 2016 and left my addict for good. We were married for 3.5 years and together 5. We have no biological children (sadly I had 4 miscarriages during our time together) but I have a beautiful 8 year old stepson who I helped raise and who has now been taken away from me; along with our dog. The feelings of loss are incredible. I never knew I could feel so much pain. And I’m the girl who throughout my life everyone says is so strong! My ex is by definition a functioning alcoholic. He has a job, we own a home, we vacationed, we both come from nice families, we both work, we exercise and keep up our appearance. We were, in fact, the perfect couple to the outside world. My ex loved me more than any any man I have ever known. But I think that was part of his problem; he loved me to much and didn’t love himself enough. He was jealous, insecure and slowly took away ME. he broke me and our marriage so badly that the anger and mistrust took over and I began to hate him. The lies of his using were ever present. The emotional abuse was ever present. I was living a roller coaster life that no one could really understand. It’s 3:38am and I’m dealing with another night without sleep in my new apartment where I am trying to find peace and happiness with my new normal. I’m lucky to have friends and family who support me but everyone has their own life to live. It can be lonely. My ex has already replaced me with another woman who I have actually met casually at the gym and on the soccer field during my marriage. She has two children around the age of my stepson, so they are already playing house as one big, happy family. And the absolute worst case scenario is that she lives in the building I moved in to when I left my husband earlier this year. I have seen her. I have seen him here. Her car was parked next to mine the other day. The pain of his new relationship is so hurtful. He told me “she knows everything” and “he will no longer be abused or controlled by me”. Um. Pot. Calling. Kettle. Black. He’s told people I cheated on him and that’s why we broke up so once again, I’m the bad guy and he is the victim. I have good days and bad days. Good moments and uncontrollable moments. I cry. I laugh. I breathe. And I know I must find a way to move past the bitterness and the pain. I took my life back but getting past all of the loss (death of so much) is incredibly difficult. My brain knows I did the right thing by leaving but my heart needs some time to catch up…

  297. i have divorced my husband and will be final this week, he has a drinking problem and has been in so many treatment centers i have always stood by him but this time i have decided for my sanity and children i have to let him go and fight his addiction on his own he went into treatment center and keeps calling me wanting me to visit and call him while there i cant know this is false hope for him to think we still have a chance, what do i do i have been fighting the guilt every time he calls and i dont answer

  298. Cynthia,
    Suicide is a serious concern but unfortunately all you can do is insist he get help or have him committed so that he does not harm himself. It may be a good thing so that he can be stabalized and deal with the underlying mental issues that he is probably self-medicating for with drugs. I really hope you can create distance and boundaries because there is only so much that you can do and the threat of suicide is going to draw you in but it is not going to solve the problem. The depressiona and the addiction will still be there, even if he comes home if he does not deal with the real issues. This is not your battle and I would suggest arming yourself with the knowledge about addiction so you can face things from an informed perspective instead of straight from emotions. Keep asking questions and don’t give in to him, stay strong so that you can have a chance to heal from this.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  299. Recee,
    You are not giving up on him, you are saving yourself and your daughter. Living with a crack addict is not something that you should have to deal with because most times we end up enabling instead of helping anyway. You can lend your support if and only if HE decides that HE needs recovery because his life has become unmanageable. How has your situation changed by being with him and not giving up? Has your presence or your child’s made a difference? You need to make the change or things will continue on this cycle. You need to understand a lot more about addiction because this is no longer the man you fell in love with, this is an addict and addiction is strong. You won’t recognize that person anymore and this is normal for addicts because they lose control of everything and become dictated by getting high.
    You really should get helpso that you can both heal and learn some skills to cope with this situation.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  300. Julie,
    You have every right to feel that way and I really think you should take a step back and evaluate if you want to be with someone with an addiction. This is a long road you will take and I wish I had gotten out early but I did not. Have you read Hope Street, if not it might help you. I wrote it to help other women see the mistakes we all make as the loved ones of addicts. You need to open your eyes now and not allow him to manipulate you because that is what addict do.

    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  301. My husband is getting out of rehab today. 4 weeks ago I knew enough was enough and told him that I no longer want to be in a relationship. Obviously he was angry and then eventually sad. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I had to do.
    A week ago he was to leave the house ..he started taking about suicide so I called the police . They put him in a rehab center. He is out today and thinks that he can come home. He cannot. He is talking suicide again …which is hard for me to bare….what do I do..the part of me that loves him is scared. He said he has nothing to live for if I dont take him back…Im so confused.

  302. I am 28 years old I have a daughter that is 1in a half my husband is 30 we have been together since we were 14 years old. We have a lot of history together and many wonderful memories together.
    But about 2 in half years ago I caught him in the middle of the night smoking crack over the trash can in my kitchen. I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react or what to think. We really didnt talk about it.
    That was the first time I ever seen the man that I love hurt himself and our family for that matter. I figured that because he got caught it was a one time thing. But I was wrong. We definetly had problems in our relationship since then because it was hard to trust him. He had became a lier, a mistreater, and dint seem to care.
    He always hide it from me so the times that I would saw was because I caught him. I would say about 1 year later I became pregnant and he assured me that things would change. I believed him but I was still unsure about him or whether he was telling the truth.
    I always picture that when I had my first child or pregnant that I would be in a happy place. But all he did was stress me out. I stayed up waiting on him some night, I would follow him in the middle of the night, I would ask myself where is he, is he on drugs, why is he doing this. I put my self in dangers situations because I just wanted him to be home and safe.
    Now its been about 2 in half years and I am still dealing with this. It seems as if he does so well an then relapses out of the blue.
    I am not strong enough anymore and I feel as he has changed me.
    At times I tell myself I need to leave but then I feel as I am giving up on him , my daughter and out family.
    Thanks for listening to my story

  303. Hello I’m 25 years old and my boyfriend has a history with Coke and he uses it on and off and now I recently found out he did cystal twice and now I don’t feel the same about him and he wants me to forgive him but I feel like deep down I can’t but I still love him. What should I do? Please help

  304. Dawn,
    The layers of this question run deep. It is not an easy answer, but I can tell you most of us are addicted to the addict and although there is love there, it is not a healthy one. If you want to move on, I suggest working on you and your recovery from this before jumping back in with anyone.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  305. Love,
    You listened to your gut and that is the best thing you can do. I ignored my gut for 12 years even though it told me what I was seeing and hearing from the addict were lies. You know he is using so there is nothing you can do at this point except enable him. If you support him in any way, that is enabling his addiction. If you want to support him as a friend, then it is okay to let him know, if he ever decides to get help, you can be there for him to help him go into recovery. This might be tough for you though, in moving on. It will make it difficult for you so you have to make that decision and decide to let go and move on.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  306. Jill,
    You did the right thing for you and your children. For them to see their mother with a man that is not working and drinking all of the time is not healthy. You really did save yourself and although feelings remain that is because you have not truly moved on yet–emotionally. You will, it just takes time and meeting new people and starting a new life. You now have definitive proof that he won’t stop drinking for anyone, without you and even in a new relationship. You are supposed to leave the addict alone and focus on you and in this case you should stay out of his life from now on. However, if you have information that someone is drinking and driving around innocent people than I would simply make an annonymous call because you could save someone’s life. After that, keep letting go and moving on and you will one day be happy you left.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  307. Ive put up with a cocaine addict for 4 years,tried alsorts for him now hes decided to rehab but I’ve slept with someone else not like this at all its just strange i like the bloke i slept wwith but still feel bad to the addict cause i love him too but do i ……..

  308. I’m so mentally drained. I dropped him off at his moms 3 months ago and haven’t been back to get him. He now tells me that he’s ready but when I do head in his direction to get him, halfway on route, I turned around. The feeling in my stomach wasn’t the best feeling. He cries out loud for me to come and says he’s done, but I still know that he is getting high. When I bring up drugs to him, he lashed out, which confirms to me that he is using.
    How do I just keep supporting him from a distance but focus more on self.

  309. Dear Amanda,
    I divorced the love of my life 2 years ago. He was a chronic alcoholic who refused to get help. I finally left after 13 years. I lost everything and am in the process of rebuilding. I just found out from a friend that he is engaged to another woman. He has not stopped drinking. When we were married, he refused to work. No one would hire him either because of the drinking. Well, I also just found out that he is driving for Uber. I guess they don’t do background checks or meet the drivers. What should I do? Should I call Uber or just stay out of it?
    BTW, I am very sad now that he moved on so quickly, but refused to stop drinking when we were together. I am happy though that I saved myself. My children thought I would never leave him, and that gives me strength.

  310. Marianne,
    You are dealing with someone in denial who is an addict. This is never going to work because you know in your gut what is really going on and he will do his best to try to convince you otherwise; you are not seeing what you are seeing. That is what addicts do, deflect and put it on someone else because if they don’t do that, they would have to recognize they have a problem or maybe stop. With that being said, you made the right choice to leave and I wouldn’t go back because if you do, you will just get more of the same; blame, threats, violence and empty promises. Trust your gut, that feeling when you walked out of that house and realized that enough was enough.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  311. Hi! I just feel so confused. My husband and I have been married for 8 months and in a relationship for 3 wonderful years. I knew he was drinking before but not has much as he has at 8 beers and 2-4 shot s of Whiskey night. The problem is he gets verbally abusive when he drinks to the point of calling me horrible names and shoving me in the arm that I freshly broke telling me I’m the reason for his unhappiness. I had to leave my home because he went in to a rampage and was hitting on my car as I left.
    He goes to the bar each night before he goes home and I never know what side of him I’m going to get.
    When he doesn’t drink he is a better husband although defensive about every thing. Every time we have a simple argument he threatens to leave as he has many times. He left me a week ago packing all his things. He said I haven’t given him enough love do to the detachment I have felt over his abusiveness which has left me anxious and depressed. I miss him although I don’t know how to take a stand for my self. He has belittled me on everything that is important to me. I just don’t know how to let him go. He doesn’t want to change. Told me that life is to short for fighting when all the while he’s the one fighting while I’m defending my self. I never have been able to discuss things without an argument leading to him being angry.
    Thank you ,
    Marianne

  312. Angel,
    I don’t mean to sound harsh but I am more concerned about you then I am about your boyfriend. He is an addict and he will and is taking you down with him. His addiction is not going to stop with your help and all of your efforts will only enable him to use. Would you want a person you love to be with an addict who steal from them and doesn’t work and mistreats them, probably not. I know how hard this is but you are a co-addict, a person who is dependent on someone else and their addiction. I was you, except I would not use drugs. The fact that you would use drugs to be with him or make him feel guilt is a warning sign that you need help too. You need to let him go and worry about yourself and the possibility of your own addiction. You are headed down a slippery slope. Go online and google meth before and after pictures and see what Meth does to people after a few short months and years. Aside from the physical damage, there is brain damage and other factors you are obviously not considering. Please get yourself some help right away. I am here.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  313. Amanda,
    Have you read my memoir, Hope Street? If not, please pick it up. You are young and not experienced with addiction as I was not when I met my ex-husband. This situation will only get worse and few sessions with a counselor will not do it. Please get educated on addiction and co-addiction. If he is saying he can’t do it alone then you coming back is only a band-aid, I promise. You can support him from a distance but this is a journey he must take on his own and because he wants to and threatening you in any way that he will stay alone is only more addict behavior. Selfishness is part of addiction and he has no right to make you suffer alongside him. Please read the other articles I have written here, click on Amanda Andruzzi in this article and they will all come up as well as read the book. You should know what you are in for before making a decision.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  314. Susan,
    It sounds like you are smart enough to know that he probably never quit drinking and really only put on a show for you. This is what addicts do. But regardless of the facts, he is an addict in denial and you have to make the decision if you want to have a life partner that is actively pursuing death, chaos and getting high.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  315. Chris,
    If the addict is doing the things you describe then you have to get strong enough to make them go. There is very little choice here because you have children and aside from saving them from this experience you have to save yourself. You have to be the only solid parent and if you are not okay then they won’t be.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  316. Concerned Wife, Kristina and MMMMM,
    Please take a good look t your partner and yourself and realize that addiction may be the symptom of something greater. Why would you want to be with someone who mistreats you or is HIGH all of the time and in front of your children. MMMM is right, an addict will do anything, say anything to continue his or her high every day all day. If they are sober for a bit, they are thinking about it or justifying how they can use again or get it under control.
    Controlling and trying to help a person with an addiction is a normal reaction, you help the person you love. However, this quickly gets turned into enabling and then the addict turns it around on you and blames you for their addiction and says you need to focus on yourself and not what they are doing. They may have a point, if the person you love is drowning and you throw them a life raft and they refuse to take it, then you have to let them swim or drown. But as wifes and partners of addicts, that sounds ridiculous. I know, I held the raft for 12 years until my daughter and I started to drown. Then I had to start taking care of myself and worrying about my child and let him go. Difficult to even say or think, I know, but your life on the other side of this mess has potential and promise and hope and happiness.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  317. I’ve been involved with my life partner for 14 years. I knew he drank heavily when we met. He was always somewhat selfish. He would expect to pay for some things especially if he had paid the time before. I would always hear, it’s your turn now. After he lost his job, he said he decided to take a year off. He started to drink daily and heavily. His drinks were always strong, containing a full 3 or more ounces. He always said measure your poison! The drinking git worse and worse. I saw him through 2 binges and one lasted for 9 days. The drinking continued and his treatment of me worsened. I feel like I did everything wrong. I begged, cried, prayed and even threatened thinking that would make him get help. Nope, he didn’t have a problem. After a drunken episode where he was furious with me because I refused to give him $1700, he told me to get out of his house. I did and then returned the next day and packed all my things and moved 550 miles away for 3 years.
    After I returned to the same city where my grown daughters live, I saw him. We went out to dinner and he didn’t drink. He told me he had quit. He said that he didn’t like the way the alcohol made him feel. I told him I was very proud of him and that I knew that it was a hard thing to do. I said I hope you are proud of yourself because you should be! Months later, we were still not living together, just staying in contact and once in awhile going out, he told me that he had decided that he could control his drinking and that he missed having an occasional drink or two or maybe a glass if wine or beer. In my heart I knew he was headed for a disaster! Later he said, well I control it by only buying a half pint. I told him that wasn’t control, control was having a bug bottle and only having 2 drinks!

  318. Hi,
    I have a a boyfriend who is addicted to meth. He is superloving when hes not using. May times he promises to stop and when he does try we’re blissful. But then he goes back after a few weeks. I have tried different tactics to make him stop. I’ve tried to become the most loving evers supportive girlfriend, I have tried using it with him making him feel guilty that Im also destroying my life and the last one acting tough like not talking to him when he is at it. But during the time when he left for a few days or weeks I always end up looking for him and tries to bring him back home and give him another chance. He goes to extent of stealing my cards, jewelries and gadgets pawning them to use to buy meth. I always end up forgiving him. By the way he is broke cannot keep up a job and just keeps on promising that he’ll be clean soon and he’ll look for a job soon as I am typing this. He is not communicating with me although I know where he is Im trying my best not to go there and fetch him. I also want to stop from ghoing there as I end up using the substance too and Im beginning to enjoy it especially with him and the false happiness it gives but what comes next is a horrible depression sadness and misery. Please advise. How Ic an forget him. I love him so.

  319. When I met my now fiancé- he used cocaine here and there, I always made excuses in my head for him. He proposed to me a few months ago, and once wedding plans started taking place he really fell over board. Using every weekend, and then into every other day. He is injecting.. But not hiding it from me. He will call to tell me what I’m coming home to on my way home from work. I left for a brief period in January, but ended up going back. His mom came to visit last week and i noticed he was using while she was staying with us, and that was my breaking point. I left, and haven’t been back. Although- he calls and texts everyday. I hope this was his rock bottom and he realizes what a serious problem it has become. He has booked sessions with a councillor and been clean now for 5 days.. Is there any hope? He said that he can’t do this alone, he needs me to be there to support him and if he does it on his own he will end up staying on his own.. I don’t want to lose my future with him. But if the drugs come back in to play, I am losing the future I invisioned anyways… Should I support him from a distance? Or cut all ties.. Which may kill me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  320. What do you do if the addict is interupting your life? If they take your car or are passed out on the floor? And you have a child in the home?

  321. to kristina, thanks for your post. it reminds me of my ex addict girlfriend, whether they use the excuse of bi-polar or adhd, or anxiety, my observation is they find a method by which to be high, stoned, or buzzed and basically “never sober”. I was talking to one guy friend tonight who too has an addict gf and basically, same thing they’re never ever ever ever “straight” like you and me.
    Sound like a horrible situation your going thru, and even worse for the children who don’t have a choice. my only thought would be for you try to attend a Naranon meeting near you, its for family and friends of addicts. It helped me alot, you can just go a listen you dont have to talk, but you’ll hear alot of the same story.

  322. Hi,I am 23 years old I have two beautiful children. Both have a addict father who is 28. Every day is a battle he is diagnosed with adhd and takes prescription methophenidate, everyday he either uses double or more of his doses by snorting them and then doesn’t sleep for days u till he runs out and then he just wants to sleep and the only communication we have is him calling m horrible names like cunt bitch whore etc. he does not realize he is wrong. He does not talk appropriately to my 4 years old. He can’t handle the kids even one at a time he will be with one and all I hear is kris take of him or her. He also is an alchohlic and is okay if he just has a couple of beers but liquor is the problem. He thinks I’m the horrible one because I don’t want him associating with drug users or people he had done those things with. He says I’m controlling and a horrible girlfriend I feel so much love for him I don’t know what to do?

  323. Bella,
    You have to understand addiction to not take the behaviors personally. An addict is irrational, angry, not dependable, manipulative, lies, and does whatever they can to justify so they can keep using. Mental illness is usually the underlying issue that an addict is self-medicating with the drug. But this is not your fight and you do not have to live in a toxic situation any longer because it is not your life. You cannot help him, he needs to hit bottom and help himself but because we love them, we stay and that only enables their addiction.
    I would cancel that vacation or go it alone or bring a friend.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  324. Stacie,
    How you leave is up to you but you have to be ready to leave and not come back or kick him out and not let him back in. His number one concern is drugs and yours is you and your children. You need to do whatever is best for you. If going home is where you need to go right now for support then so be it, but if you don’t want to leave your life in NY then he can leave. He will keep doing this until one day he dies or he really goes into recovery. Until then, you should not have to suffer this life. Please make a decision, think about it for a while, and then take the steps to heal you and your children and do not worry about him. He is not worried about doing drugs in your home and hurting his family. It is your job to protect them.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  325. Adriana,
    You have to figure out what is best for you and your children. I do not know about your financial situation or childcare but if it is possible, I would not have an addict in the house. The children hear and see much more than you think and I am sure it has taken its toll on you. If you can find support and have the financial stability to do this, you should, but YOU have to be ready to not go back on your word. Also, if you don’t have the finances now, then you can make a plan to start getting things lined up so that you can have freedom from him. In my book, Hope Street, I talk about my financial situation and in my case I was forced to leave but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  326. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 3 years. I moved in with him Oct 2012. I knew he liked his beer, a week before Christmas 2015, I moved out into my own place. Over the years especially in the last 2, his drinking has now elevated to injuring himself (broken ribs, split his head open while I was half asleep in bed beside me & more recently falling in the bathroom using the washroom and cutting his eye that swelled to a blood blister and would become black for almost 2 weeks) I cannot do this anymore. As much as I love him this relationship is unhealthy. His yo yo emotions are difficult to understand and I’m the one that’s upset as he thinks I’m overreacting 🙁
    We leave soon for a vacation together and I know upon our return I know this will be over. Love shows itself in actions and I have yet to see a display of that. My heart is heavy at times however the support I have of a friend that works with people with mental disorders has truly helped me to understand why he treats me the way he does. He just doesn’t get it and the way he doesn’t fight for our relationship is the last straw that broke the camel’s back

    Thanks for your informative site and pointers. I feel SO much better getting that out!

  327. Where do I start. Well about a year ago I found out my husband with whom I have 2boys with ages 10&13, starting using coke after being clean for 2 years. Apparently before this he was doing cocaine /crack outside of the house. Always telling me that he was going to watch the game or shoot pool. But needing more money and going out more and more. I did not know what he was doing till I talked with family and they said he had to be doing more then just drinking, I guess I did not know the signs of a drug user. One night he came home early in the morning and I was up waiting and asked him what really was going on and he pulled a knife on me and hit me. I thought I might die that night , but he went to jail for a few months and admitted then to me that he been doing coke, he was not hiding and he had found god in jail. So I took him back.he was clean for 2years, about a year ago he started using and came right out and told me and said he needed help, tried getting help went to aa meetings a few times. Anyway it has been off and on about a year, I know now all the signs he cannot hide it. He gets help at a outpatient rehab for a few sessions then thinks he’s good and relapses again. He has lost a job over this, effecting my life, job, kids. Last time he went on a week binge and almost died on the floor. I rushed him to the hospital and he was there for 3 days with high CK levels due to cocaine. He left early did not want to finish his treatment, swore he would never due it again. Did 3weeks outpatient rehab . Has been good since November. His mom passed away yesterday, I had to work today he took a new clients down payment for a job he was supposed to start today and when I came home my kids where here bit not him, the house smelloc crack and air spray. There are crack bikes in my room. His mom just died, but I cannot take this anymore, my kids can not be in this environment anymore, I cannot see him kill himself. What do I do. Quite NY job and move back to my home state and live with my parents? Just leave and stay at a hotel until I can get a place? He has no place to go, no car, no money.

  328. My husband is a Cristal meth addict,, he was cleaned for almost 3 years he relapsed the beginning of January I’m trying to leave him but I can’t we have 6 kids my daughters tell me to kick him out I don’t know what to do..

  329. Thank you for getting back to me. So I never thought of it that way now he can go full blown in his addiction since he doesn’t have me as I refer to myself as a crack block.lol. Everything you say makes alot of sense. This is about the 7th separation through this hell. I’ve had his back when everyone else left his ass hanging. I did my best with trying to be a good wife, and yes years ago I fell deep in codependency( I learned this trait from my Grand mother.) I do have a support group that has helped me get strong and finally have the courage to get him out of here.Yes I have lost a lot being with him and haven’t even really lived my life. I had an ex husband that went down the same road and when recent husband met me he hated that guy who did me and my son like that.Now he has turned into that very guy he hated. I know me, and daughter deserve so much better then this. I feel like running away with no where to run, but I ‘m gonna have to face this pain to heal from this. I have given him several chances and your right I can’t trust him even if he did do some rehab for a minute, he always seemed to do rehab because he was forced and within a few months he is right back to using. I know I need to heal and focus on me now. I again thank you for being here for people like me.

  330. Bonnie,
    Thank you for sharing. I am glad the articles I have written help you. He is much worse off now that he is able to go full blown with his addiction. You have to stop worrying about what he is doing because you are going to get better, no question, but he was only dragging you down. It is hard, I know, if you read my memoir, Hope Street, then you know I understand what single parenthood is like, especially when you are left with nothing but debt. But you can do this and time heals all wounds. Give it time, therapy, utilize support groups, blogs or anything that helps you get better. Focus less on him and think about all of the good things that he made you miss out on by being with him. Now you have the chance to be free. Even if that man comes back, you will not trust him, he has done too much damage and you will never have peace with him so focus on moving on. Everything you are feeling is 100% normal, I promise. It lessens in time and is replaced by feelings of “I can’t believe I ever lived like that!”
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  331. Hey, I am separated from husband of 17 years. The last 11 years he has had a bad crack addition. It has been a nightmare. Last summer I kept letting him know I was reaching my limit and he ignored me and continued putting me on the back burner. Now since he has been gone , I will go through rough days. I have this fear that he will find someone new and straighten up and become the guy I fought so hard to get back.I also don’t need to have too much contact with him,because when I talk to him the things he says are things i want to hear. I think he only misses the free ride he had. He is a master at manipulation. I do have care for him, but I’m trying to move on from him and it is hard.Others don’t understand how I feel. I feel like he has left me no choice but to move on. I feel like Im mourning a death that never dies.I also feel like a funeral took place and Im the only mourner. This is real hard to turn my back and walk away,but Im in the process of doing this. Is this normal to feel like this? I have a good new life waiting on me, but I feel stuck in limbo. It is also hard because Im left in the house with all the memories , single parenting, bills piled up and no help. While in my mind I think he is out there living it up where ever and whoever he is with. How do I get these thoughts out of my head and move on and not worry so much what he is doing? Will these thoughts go away in time? Thank you for being here.I get alot of good advice from everything you have written.

  332. My husband has a opite problem but has battle addiction from a very young age we have been together 26 years and bothe are 44 the most of r lives. His life has become unmanageable alone with mine. He has enter a long term rehab I’m lost but know I need to let go!!

  333. Linn,
    Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are well aware of his addiction, his lies, manipulation and intention to use you. Do not beat yourself up, keep going to therapy and reading, writing and entering groups that might support you through this because this time, you need to learn from those mistakes. You need to find out why you are in these types of relationships and stay. You are going to get through this because you are aware.
    Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

  334. Hi
    i finally left a 30 year marriage that was very abusive. i didn’t leave though until I was to the point of possibly killing myself. The x was a pot smoker (addict]. It wasn’t until I came back for my things that I realized that he was a closet drinker. I was never okay with the smoking. He assured me that he quit. He was controlling manipulative among many other things. When I was so depressed that I felt I had nothing more to live for and my emotions felt like they were flatlined, I told him how I felt. He climbed in his truck said he would be leaving for a few days blew me a kiss and mouthed I LOVE YOU, then drove away. [psychopath] My mom and sister rescued me. The onl