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Should I leave my addict or alcoholic partner?

The secret of a long life is knowing when it’s time to go – Michelle Shocked

If you are in a relationship with an addict, when should you leave your partner or when should you stay and treat codependent behaviors? We explore the meaning of co-addiction here, what you can do about it, and how to take action.  Then, we invite your questions about personal situations at the end.

When to leave an addict or alcoholic

From the very moment an addict mistreats you, abuses you (verbally or physically), stays out all night, gets high in front of you or your children, steals, or continually treats you in a way that is out of character, it is time to leave. However, this is easier said than done.  And co-addiction recovery is really unique to each person.  So, even in the face of these difficulties, when should you start changing yourself?

What keeps you from leaving?

Some co-addicts believe that by being the voice of reason in an unhealthy relationship, they may be able to help the addict recover, and a healthy relationship will be restored. More than likely, many forms of help have been attempted, to no avail. When living with an addict, the emotional harm endured by the co-addict, and/or, their children, may be far more damaging than the absence of the addict would be. Consequently, the addict’s recovery may be delayed because their partner is always around to pick up the pieces.

So what’s the number one reason people stay in a relationship with an addict or alcohol?

Fear.

In fact, it is only fear that drives a person to stay in a relationship they know deep down is extremely unhealthy. Most decisions made by an enabler are rooted in fear. The reality is, no fear of what will happen, is any worse than what is happening in their everyday lives. But in a co-addictive relationship, the co-addict may fear many things:

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  • fear for the life of the addict—for what will happen if they are not there to save them
  • fear the addict will feel abandoned
  • fear that there is not enough money to leave
  • fear that the addict will not love them anymore,
  • fear of being alone
  • fear of having to be a single parent
  • or fear that if they leave they will not be able to control the addict’s behavior

A co-addict may even fear that if they leave, they won’t be there to see the addict get better, and the recovering addict will reject them because they left. There are always many things to fear.

When will the co-addict be ready?

If the co-addict is unhappy with their partner’s behavior, due to the influence of alcohol or drugs, chances are their life is unmanageable. The only question in knowing when it is time to leave is; when will the co-addict be ready? When a co-addict fully grasps the harm being done to them and/or children living with the addict, and they make a conscious decision to break the cycle—that is the right time to leave.

Every single person must live out the cycle of co-addiction in their own time. Some may stay in a situation because they believe it is not that bad or they will be worse off without the addict. It is amazing what a co-addict will learn to live with or without. The fear can become crippling, and in many cases it takes a catastrophic event for the co-addict to wake up, and decide they are ready to leave.

Moving beyond fear and leaving an addict

The famous adage, “feel the fear…and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., is a concept helpful in moving beyond the fear. Fear may never subside, but that is no excuse to stay in an unhealthy situation. With most new experiences there is a fear of the unknown. When addictive behavior begins, it can be very frightening for the co-addict, and though fears remain, somehow the co-addict learns to adjust. There will be initial fears that surface when leaving the addict, but theywill learn to adjust just the same.

More than likely boundaries and promises have already been broken between the addict and co-addict. A co-addict must come to a point where they are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Knowing when it is time to leave is an individual choice; but by putting the fear aside, hopefully they will be able to come to that point a lot sooner.

Photo credit: ex.libris

Leave a Reply

226 Responses to “Should I leave my addict or alcoholic partner?
John Burns
6:51 am May 28th, 2013

Great post, Amanda. The ‘should I leave or should I not’ question is an often asked one. Guilt for leaving a sick/ addict partner also plays a huge role in their decision-making. There are those who leave their partner, but frequently offer support on the addict’s road to recovery. The decision to leave does require a lot of courage.

kerrie osborne
1:38 pm July 3rd, 2013

Amanda everything in your post sounds so familiar with how I felt. I have just separated from my 52yr old husband of 5 years. We have a 4 yr old daughter together. My husband is addicted to pot, he is an alcoholic and last year I found needles in my garage from him injecting speed. I was heartbroken and had to make a decision whether to stay or leave, not only for myself but for my children as well. I also have 3 other children that live in the house from a previous relationship. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life because I love him but the verbal and emotional abuse was getting unbearable. He said he doesn’t want to change and his addictions were always number one to him.
I was left with no other option than to end our marriage which really hurts but I couldn’t live like that anymore and neither could my children.

Amanda
6:18 pm July 8th, 2013

Hi John & Kerrie,
Leaving is the toughest decision. You don’t want to lose the person you live but by staying you lose a lit more and lose yourself and your ability to take care of your children, if you are a parent. Kerrie I was just where you are which is why I wrote a book. Hope Street wast way of hopefully giving inspiration to other people who find themselves where I was, married to an addict, a mother, alone, scared and tired. If you can pick it up and it helps you great, but either way, leaving a person who puts drugs first “is” a good decision. Don’t ever doubt that.
Amanda Andruzzi

Vanessa
12:16 am November 14th, 2013

My main fear is that I am a christian married to a christian man, who is very well known, who is an addict, and my beliefs arent exactly clear on what to do. I already have had one failed marriage. i dont want another one.

Amanda
12:49 pm November 14th, 2013

Vanessa,
I am on my second marriage and I can honestly say if my current husband was an addict or
we tried everything and could not stay together I would leave him too. I am sure you have tried
all that you can and so at this point, it is out of your hands. Things seem so scary on your side but when you cross to the other side and things in your life become exposed, you become free and a whole world opens up. I lived in fear because my husband had so many people’s lives riding on his success and I didn’t want to tarnish his image. When I finally had no choice, I actually helped so many people stop living in denial with my husband and realize that they needed to open their eyes because my husband’s addiction was affecting their investments with him. The fear of exposing him melted away and in that process I stopped living in fear of losing him and focused on a life, a happy life, without him. Hope Street is my memoir. It may help you, but either way, DON”T BE AFRAID. Be afraid to NOT do something and continue to stay with someone who is sick and not getting help.
Best,
Amanda

Starcy
7:28 pm May 5th, 2014

WOW…a very widespread issue to be dealt with. I won’t say problem because of the emotional
feelings involved, although that is a clear technical term describing this. Having read only a few of these comments / posts so far, I am beginning to feel empowered with the simple knowledge that, “I am not in this alone”. This helps me because I am in a relationship that resembles my marriage. I am a loyal person by nature and have learned over time that my initial loyalty lies to God, myself, family, friends and others in general. By our human nature we are at our core, selfish. As an example, a baby demands their needs met and will act accordingly
to succeed with having that goal fulfilled. Some of us don’t seem to have that primal need for fulfillment granted us. I do not know if this instills desire to obtain addictive behaviors or not but
realize that some degree of NEED is not met during early developmental years OR other factors may interfere with developmental growth, such as abuse at or from an early age. Whether it be remembered abuse or not.
I do not have answers to my questions but will continue to read and hope to learn how to break from this pattern I have of co-dependency. Thank you for your time spent if you read these words. Any comments / remarks will be appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:16 pm May 8th, 2014

Starcy,
Thank you for sharing with us. You are not alone and sometimes feeling that can be a catalyst for personal growth.
Yes, innately we are all out for what is best for us in certain situations, not all. However, with that in mind, if you are participating in a codependent or co-addictive relationship, you must ask what you are getting out of that arrangement.
Does the drama of it fill a void or repeat a pattern or
Replicate some earlier experience in some way?

I learned that living in a situation where the instability of addiction was normal was because of my childhood experience. It took me a long time to understand that I was not only familiar with this lifestyle but that it was a re-creation of the drama I watched between my own parents.
Good luck on your journey.

salome
2:26 pm July 29th, 2014

Can you please help me i am married to a drug addict and cant take this anymore my kids are more afectt by this but i am afraid to leave him married for 18 years and he is on drugs for 4 years he just left his job and he constantly tells me that i am the problem please help.

Amanda Andruzzi
11:32 am July 30th, 2014

Salome,

12 years and 1 child later, I was finally fed up with my husband’s addiction. I waited until our lives and finances were destroyed and I was left in debt. But that is how long it took me to get strong enough to stand on my own two feet and realize I had had enough. It was also that long before I realized that as much as I thought I was protecting my daughter, she was being affected much more than she let on.

Please read my other articles on steps to leave your spouse, how to deal with an addicted spouse, how to take steps to get strong, etc. There is a wealth of information I have written in this site, the articles are all here. My book, Hope Street, may also be helpful. Right now you should get as much information as possible to help you understand what you are dealing with and how the change can come from you. I have been where you are and understand what you are feeling. Asking for help is the first step, just don’t stop there!
Best, Amanda

Lex
5:46 am July 31st, 2014

I am finally leaving. I’ve been involved with an addict for over 20 years. Initially, his drug of choice was alcohol. I didn’t realize it was an addiction, possibly because it was legal and everyone else we socialized with was a drinker.

He started using crystal meth about eight years into our relationship and that’s when it all started to fall apart. He would vanish, one or two nights. I could not reach him. He would lie about where he had been. Each time I would become scared, angry then relived when he returned. Glad I no longer had to worry where he was. If he was alive or dead. How I would deal with the fall out if he was dead. I was sure that if I could convey to him how desperate his behavior made me feel, that he would change. That he would want to change, for me, for us. Of course he would want to change, try to change, because I believed that if he really loved me, he would never want to inflict this type of pain on me. I kept telling myself this for 12 years. 12 years of the same pattern happening over and over again. What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. I thought I could feel my sanity actually slipping away.

A friend of mine, who I had confided in about my relationship and who had experienced her own troubled relationship, shared a Maya Angelou quote with me that was the slap in the face I needed to wake up, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.Why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are? Why can’t you get it the first time.”

I was afraid to leave (for many of the reasons stated in the article above). Who could ever truly love me the way I believed he did, in his heart. I had never connected to anyone like the way I did with him. I was afraid that I would never find that connection again. Who would I turn to when life becomes difficult? The thought of losing that connection was crippling. Now, the thought of staying with him is unbearable. He’s still the same person. I’m the one who’s different now.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I believe that oftentimes the life we want is the life we’re living. For years I ignored the signs telling me to exit the relationship (anyone who’s been in a relationship with an addict for an extended time period knows what I mean). But, I believe right now, that I couldn’t have left until now. We are all on our own journey and can only try to do our best, whatever that may look like in the moment. I made a halfhearted attempt to leave about a year ago. I was back living with him less than a month later. This time is different. I don’t know why, I just know it is. I’ve signed a year lease, my stuff is packed and I’m actually excited for whatever the future does bring. I may be alone for the rest of my life (I’m 46) and I think I would be ok with that. I want the best for him. I want him to be healthy and happy. I know he needs to work that out for himself as my begging and pleading wasn’t enough for him to stick with treatment past a week or two.
I have often wondered how my staying with him actually encouraged him to use, made it easier for him. I worried about how my fear that kept me with him would harm him. Did I care enough about him to leave despite how it would make me feel? I don’t want my fears of leaving to be one of the reasons he avoids getting any type of treatment that may actually help him.
If you are contemplating leaving but still afraid of the consequences, keep searching, keep reading articles like the one above, talk to others who have experienced similar situations and have found the courage to leave, find out why they left, and how their lives have been impacted subsequently. For me, their stories all had similar themes. Only the addict can make the decision to get treatment for their disease–you can’t save him/her. You are enabling the person as hard as that is to hear. There is life after leaving–and it can be good.

Amanda
6:46 pm July 31st, 2014

Lex,
What I just read must have been very cathartic for you. Congratulations to you. You are finally ready. It is a feeling that is hard to convey or express until you are talking to some who has also experienced it. I have, and reading your story gives me the chills because I was you, not too long ago and that is why I wrote about it. I want you to read my book because my story is so similar to yours it is scary, however, our stories are so common.
Hope Street is my memoir, a journal of my journey and I think you will not only relate but it will solidify your decision to leave. I have also written quite a few articles in this blog, you can read that will help.
Again, congratulations on your epiphany!
Best,
Amanda

Lex
1:49 am August 2nd, 2014

I just reread your article Amanda and I’m looking forward to reading your book. So much of your article resonated with me. Thanks for putting your story out there. Knowing I’m not alone in this has given me hope for a better future.

candice
5:15 am August 5th, 2014

Hi I am 32 female with a 4 year old son. My sons father lives with us. In fact we have a house together. Things haven’t been rosey since I fell pregnant. I fear what will happen to my son and I if we decide to stay in this unhgealthy relationship. I no longer fear the consequences of leaving him like I always used to. I now fear that his verbal and emotion abuse towards me will have a negative impact on our son. Gatvol of being gatvol,

Amanda Andruzzi
11:33 am August 5th, 2014

Candice,
Your situation with your sons father is unclear. Is he abusive in general or abusive because of his addiction? Either way any situation of abuse, especially in front of a child is not healthy for you or your child and I would urge you to leave or ask him to leave as soon as possible.
I am glad you no longer fear consequences of leaving and I can assure you they are no worse than what you are currently experiencing and in time those consequences won’t matter at all and you will be much better off.
Change is hard, leaving is scary but you and your child deserve better.
Try to set up some support for yourself and your son.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi,
Hope Street Memoir

Blossom
5:23 pm August 8th, 2014

I’m having such a hard time making a decision. I have a 3 year old daughter with an alcoholic. We are not married. We live together in his house. I left him a month ago for a week. He quit drinking, went to AA. The night I came home he decided AA wasn’t for him, he doesn’t need therapy if he has stopped drinking (his words). He now smokes twice as much pot. The past few days, his actions make me think he is drinking again. He has started arguments out of no where, I found the bottle of wine (2 inches of wine left) that was in the cabinet, empty in the trash can. The sitter said she smelled beer on him that same day. Last night he was in a good mood but it was the kind of mood he gets in sometimes when drinking/abusing pills. I don’t have any hard evidence. Just waiting . I told him when I came back that if I find him drinking again I’m leaving for good. I’m even trying to get a loan on a foreclosure. But I am scared I won’t go thru with it. I feel bad because his cancer may be back. It makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave.

Julia
8:48 pm August 8th, 2014

I have been dating an alcoholic for almost a year and I broke up with him today while he was out of town so he could have space to vent. It was hard because we still live together but I am moving out in less than 2 weeks; I just sleep on the couch and ask my family and friends for a little food money to get me by.

I have tried to break up with him before in the past but I ended up with crippling fear and had to get back together. I don’t have any money, or family near by so I was mostly dependent on this guy for financial reasons but not anymore. The sad thing is or the blessing in disguise is that we almost had a baby but I ended up losing her. After reading so many horror stories of terrible parenting by alcoholics, especially being raised by two, I know God is saving me from my mistakes and future misery. I have received the opportunity for me to return to college which pays for my housing, food and everything else by the Grace of God the door opened up and I am running for my life, my well-being, my sanity and escaping his spiral of destruction before it destroys me. This article has helped me reinforce my decision; it was the smart thing to do.

Amanda
11:26 am August 9th, 2014

Blossom,
I think you have all of the evidence you need. If it looks like he is drinking, even if you do not have definitive proof–he is drinking. But I have been where you are. I used to keep drug tests at home so when my husband came in from a night out I could “prove” he was using. He always was and my gut was always right, just like yours is.
The only advice I can give you is to get strong, educate yourself and set yourself up to leave him. This is not a healthy environment for you and especially not your child. If he is going to change, I can promise you, you will have nothing to do with it, it is something he will do on his own, just as leaving him is something you will do, when you are ready.
It took me 12 years, many, many relapses, one child, too much abuse, too many lies but finally I was ready. I had to understand my part in the process and how leaving was my responsibility and his sobriety was NOT my responsibility. I read every book, saw a therapist, went to Al-Anon, and even though he I was in debt, a single mother, I was able to get out. I wrote my book, Hope Street, to help others and hopefully inspire them to get strong. You can’t even imagine the possibilities that will open up when the crippling fear goes away, and I can promise you, in time, it will. If you need anything else I am here but keep reading, there are other articles in this blog I have written that will be helpful.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda
11:41 am August 9th, 2014

Julia,
I am glad the article helped. You are almost there so do not let anything stop you! If you are feeling the need to get out before things spiral completely out of control then you are doing the right thing. Never doubt that. Yes, having a child would have made it that much harder so sometimes things happen for a reason. The key is to take this experience and let it help you not make the same mistakes and/or go back to him in time.
This college opportunity is amazing and you should go for it without looking back but make sure you don’t run from one thing to the next without focusing on you. You need time to heal and understand why this happened so you do not continue to repeat this relationship. Sometimes we repeat patterns because it is all we know and being that you were raised by addicts, you need to really look at that.
I am so happy that you got up the courage to go, this is an amazing first step, but be careful, if you do not work on things for yourself on a deeper level, it may not be the last time.
Be confident that you are making the right decision, because you are. He will try to make you stay and separation may be difficult at first but soon it will be replaced by something better, much better. Good Luck.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
hopestreetmemoir.com

Brenda
2:16 am September 15th, 2014

I’ve been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 2 years. I have moved in and out a few times, but just came back for good…so I thought, about 2 1/2 months ago. Within two weeks, he smashed my phone because I was on Facebook and wouldn’t come to bed, he was drunk and I was trying to avoid him. The next day, same old story, he was so sorry. Last week he was drunk, I asked him what he had to drink, he got angry and denied it. To make a long story short, he went crazy when I went into the guest room to sleep. He kept coming to the door begging me to opening it, asking why I was accusing him of being drunk. He finally admitted he drank vodka. He gets blackout drunk and doesn’t know what he’s doing or saying and never remembers anything the next day . This time he text me he was gonna kill himself, he called me and told me he had a gun and he was sorry but he couldn’t take it anymore, he was gonna do it, that he loved me, said goodbye and hung up. I called911, he was taken in handcuffs by the police to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation and later released. The next morning he begged me not to leave. There is so much more to this story…I am staying with family and do not plan on going back, except to move out for the third and last time!

Amanda Andruzzi
11:23 am September 15th, 2014

Brenda,
Thank you for sharing your story. I know none of this is easy for you. You did the right thing, the best thing for you and believe it or not for him too. I hope the article is helpful and there are many more I have written all about what you are going through and how to get through it. It helps to feel that you are not alone and you are not. All of us here have been or are going through it and it is important to keep focusing in the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, this is not your fault and his problem. You cannot change him.
Best,
Amanda

Blossom
8:00 pm September 15th, 2014

Amanda-
Thank you for your reply. I left him about a month ago. I am not going back. The day I left he started talking guns, talking about cameras and how he has everyone “watching me” and all of it in front of our daughter. It was the last straw.
Now the custody battle begins. I have let him see her but not without me there. My gut tells me he won’t give her back if he gets her. She is not safe in his care so now we just wait until court.
Thank you!

Amanda Andruzzi
4:59 pm September 16th, 2014

Blossom,
Stay strong, you are doing the best thing. Your daughter needs you to be strong for her and you need to continue to do what you are doing. A court will see past his facade and they take addiction very seriously, especially when it comes to children. Keep me posted and feel free to post here anytime.
Best, Amanda

Brenda
5:43 pm September 17th, 2014

I am almost finished moving out, one more day of packing the last of my things. I am starting to feel guilty like part of this is my fault for not being more tolerant. This is so hard. The house was perfectly decorated, and we worked so hard to make everything look great and be comfortable. Now it’s all in boxes with empty hooks all over the house. I feel like s**t and can’t stop crying. He left notes all over the house, on every mirror and wall and door saying show much he loves me. :(

Amanda Andruzzi
8:18 pm September 17th, 2014

Brenda,
I cannot tell you what to do and you have to be ready to leave otherwise it will not work. I can tell you that at this point it is his last attempt to keep you but his actions should have shown you, words are not helpful. You need to focus on what he has do e and how unhappy that has made you, not the fact that he is saying he loves you. Words are meaningless without action and you should not have to tolerate anyone’s unhealthy behavior.
Know that you are doing what is best because if things do not change one day years down the road you will wake up and realize nothing has changed and wished you would have been strong enough to leave.
Maybe hearing the stories of others in your situation might inspire you and be a support for you at this time. my book, Hope Street, a memoir of my 12 year marriage to an addict may help you understand the dynamics of addiction and help you feel understood as a co-addict. Keep packing because you can always come back but you don’t know how much better off you might be if you don’t leave.
Amanda Andruzzi

Lex
2:02 am September 18th, 2014

Brenda,
if you stay–it will all stay the same. He will continue to hurt and betray you. And then apologize.I spent way too much time believing my partner would change because he “loved” me. However, the only person who was going to make my life better was me. I left a nice condo, all my furniture and just took my clothes and some basic necessities and moved into an apartment in someone else’s house. My landlady lives below me and I’m not crazy about her–but it is all better knowing that I’m on a better road for myself and working towards making myself feel more peace and happiness. It was not my partner’s responsibility to do that for me as it was not my responsibility to do that for him. A friend of mine sent me this quote today, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was greater than the risk it took to bloom.” Don’t let fear of the unknown and the comfort of a bad situation keep you from living the life you want. Don’t you deserve more?

Brenda
9:35 pm September 18th, 2014

Lex, thank you for the support and the quote. That was just what I needed to hear. I have spent the whole day packing, taking stuff to storage, packing some more and moving, crying a bit here and there…taking a break from unloading the car now to post this. I am staying with my sister, and she is so supportive…she is very glad I left. She came to visit us one night for dinner last year, and he got so drunk that when her boyfriend stopped by the house, my ex was pissed for some unknown reason and physically threw him out of the house, ripping his shirt. I left that night with them. Needless to say my sis couldnt be happier I finally have had enough, and her boyfriend too!
I still have at least one more day to pack and move. It’s 48 years worth of stuff, that I had just finally had all in one place, in his/my house. I had just moved back in at the end of June, after having moved out last July. and was finally starting to refer to the house as “our” house. The last time I moved out, I couldn’t get everything all at once, so he said I could leave it and get it later. Once I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted things to work out, he called the movers and they were there the next day, I had less than 24 hours. nothing was packed, I had to take off from work, and it was embarrassing for me in front of my employees. So I know you are right, he won’t change and I am the one settling. This time I’m getting every single thing out (including every damn jar of spice that I bought) while he is feeling guilty and still being nice to me.I had recently been helping him with his business for the last six weeks. Its a long story but I gave up being at my business, and being on top of things there to be there for him when he really needed me. I was working long hours and wasn’t putting the time into my business that I needed. Some days I worked 12-14 hours, 3 to 4 days a week. WITHOUT getting paid. Anyway, This tumultuous relationship has affected my business negatively and I am feeling it financially. My employees see what is happening, and I don’t want to loose their respect. They are young ladies in their 20’s. What kind of example am I setting? One employee is my daughter. I need them to see that this is not acceptable, and hope that I prove that.
I can’t wait to finish moving tomorrow and get back to work at MY job! I am determined to be strong!…now back to the unloading!
Thanks you everyone, and I’m sorry for rambling.

Lex
2:00 am September 21st, 2014

Congratulations Brenda. I also moved out last year and moved back before finally moving out for good. As Amanda said, “You have to be ready to leave, otherwise it will not work”. I knew when I moved out this time that it was different than before. It honestly felt like a spell had been broken. Good luck to you Brenda–and thank you for sharing what you’re going through. You never know how your story is going to help someone else find the courage and strength to get out of an unhealthy situation.

Amanda, I just ordered your book online yesterday and I’m excited to get it. I’ve really appreciated reading and rereading your blog postings on this site.

alex
6:00 am September 22nd, 2014

I feel do blessed to have found your blog. All of your advice is dead on accurate with my current life. I felt as if you were speaking only to me. Now i accept that I am a co-addict. I need to break my own cycle of habits and move on. Thank you for making me see my reflection because up till now, i was lost and depressed and i could not see a future. Thank you.

6:10 am September 22nd, 2014

Thank you, Alex for the kind words. I’m glad we helped, even a little.

Amanda Andruzzi
11:19 am September 22nd, 2014

Alex,
Thank you for your comment. My articles are from personal experience so the good news is when I talk about moving forward from co-addiction the steps and advice actually worked for me. Everyone will find their own way but I am glad this helps.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi

L L
1:27 am November 5th, 2014

Hey Amanda,
I read your post and I could relate to all of it. I left my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years ago 5 months ago. Not a day goes by that I do not think about him and what I used to have. But he is an addict and was not willing to take the steps that needed to be taken to get the help that he needed. I wonder everyday if I did the right thing. He was never physically abusive but we would fight constantly. I would love any advise that you have. Thank you!

Amanda Andruzzi
3:29 pm November 6th, 2014

L L,
I know how difficult all of this is for you. You should be really proud of yourself that you were able to break up with him, now you just have to let him go. You have to let him go in your mind for you. It took me 12 years, marriage, one child and many horrible moments before I had the courage to leave so I understand the pain you feel during and definitely after. When I left I was committed to not spend another moment wasting my life with a man that chose drugs over me. I changed my life, put positivity back in and set new goals of the things I wanted. I wrote a journal during my last year with my ex-husband and one of my goals was to publish it so it could help others. Hope Street, is my memoir on co-addiction and living with an addict.
My recommendation would be to keep reading things like this blog, my book and anything else that will inspire you to work on yourself and feel understood. Moving on with your life and being happy is the best way to let him go. It does get easier, a lot easier but you have to do the work. At first you may have to fake it, but eventually it will happen when you least expect it. The pain starts to go away, then you realize that the person you loved was not really the person you thought they were and you are able to forgive them. Read my article in this blog, The Best Revenge is Happiness. If you click on my name there are a wealth of free articles to help you as well as my book. Just remember to not let your ex’s addiction to define your life, I am sure the life you want is something you can attain, it just may be with someone else.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, CHC AADP
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Roisin
2:01 am November 10th, 2014

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years,stayed with him cos he was my frist love,and we loved each other so much he told me from day one open and honest he dank to much and he wanted to change so I stay with him,always praying and hoping for the best, he lives and work’s in his family bussines which is a pub, we had good weeks and bad ones he got really bad at the start of this year he went into rehab he rang me before he went in asked me to meet him couldn’t not believe he was going, all my hopes and dreams were coming true,told me he loved me so much wait for him, I said of course I loved him so much, he was home 6 months starting drinking again I was crushed all are dreams were gone he was back to his old self back working in the pub back to his old self ,I went to see him almost every week in rehab he promised if he found the pub to hard he’d leave, but he wasn’t going to ,I stayed with him for a few weeks but so scared of all the old ways setting back,smelled drink of him one day and I left him for good that was a month ago ,he rang me a lot and I said there no point all the talking should have been over I was drained from all the fighting and telling himhow to live his life.I wanted he to have the sence to know he was hurting me, he played dumb said he was just gona have a few drinks now and again, the last time he rang two weeks ago I told him we were better apart cos I could tell by his voice he was drinking the nite before I always knew by his voice the drink would him he crazy, that was the last time I heared for him my world feels like its all over I have lost the love of my life my best friend, I feel it’s the only choice I had, crushed and broke girl that still loves him can’t even talk anymore with out crying, thank you for reading this.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:06 pm November 11th, 2014

Roisin,
I can tell you did the right thing but you are probably thinking, “then why does the right thing feel so wrong?” There are other men and other relationships that will fulfill you but that do not include addiction. What I learned when I left my addict husband was that I had extreme difficulty letting go, even if that something was destroying my life. The fact that I could not let a “bad thing” go had nothing to do with our great our relationship was in the past or how much I loved him, it had to do with me. I had issues from my past of abandonment and with feeling insecure that made what he did feel personal and like he was hurting me on purpose. Addicts are very similar in that they use a drug and they hurt the ones they love. It is not your responsibility to help them and be proud that you had the strength and courage to leave him. Every emotion you are going through, I went through. It will get better but you have to take the focus off of him and take this time and distance to learn about you. Even though he is your best friend and you love him, why would you be in love with someone it sounds like most of the times you were together he was using? I had to ask myself that internal question and it was hard, very hard, but when I started to realize the pain had more to do with my own issues because I was hurting over and loving someone who could not love me. My memoir, Hope Street, is a book of my time with my ex-husband and documents all of those feeling you describe as well as what made me get better and move on. I hope you read it, because it sounds like you could really relate to it and benefit from it and that is the sole purpose I put it out into the world.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, CHC AADP
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Bobbie
5:57 am November 19th, 2014

Hi,

I feel blessed to have found this blog. Im at the end of my rope and not sure where to turn. I just turned 30 and my partner is an alcoholic. Weve been together since we were 16. We have two children together. The verbal and emotional abuse is almost more than I can take. I left once before three and a half years ago. He hit rock bottom, lost everything, an. Clamed to be a changed man. Here i am…right back where we started. I love him..hes my best friend. Im heartbroken. But i feel as a mother my children deserve better. Ive never heard of a codependent before. I have each and every one of these feelings above. I look in the mirror and I dont know who I am anymore. My life revolves around worrying about him. I told him when we got back together if things didnt work this time im finished forever. I feel like im living someone elses life… I cant afford to live on my own. Just wondering when is enough…enough?

Amanda Andruzzi
6:54 pm November 19th, 2014

Bobbie,

It sounds like enough is enough right now. In my 12 year marriage I finally left with my child with nothing but debt, no job, home, or money. I cannot tell you it is time, you have to be ready to do it and not look back. You do not have to do it right away, you can take time to get all your fucks in a row and make sure you will be okay financially but you have to start. It sounds like you should start now. I wrote this article from personal and professional experience. My book Hope Street, is a memoir I wrote during my last year with my ex-husband and it exemplifies the roller coaster of feelings you are going through now. Click on my name here, Amanda Andruzzi and read the articles I wrote to help you become better informed and start the process. It will not change, heat never change but YOU CAN! And for your children please consider making a change as well.
Read my book for support, help, inspiration, but just keep focusing on you and how you will start to change. The cycle you are on with addiction and the addict will not stop until you do something to change it.
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Amanda Andruzzi
12:24 am November 20th, 2014

Please use this response not the previous one.

Bobbie, It sounds like enough is enough right now. In my 12 year marriage I finally left with my child with nothing but debt; no job, home, or money. I cannot tell you it is time, you have to be ready to do it and not look back. You do not have to do it right away, you can take time to get all your ducks in a row and make sure you will be okay financially but you have to start. It sounds like you should start now. I wrote this article from personal and professional experience. My book Hope Street, is a memoir I wrote during my last year with my ex-husband and it exemplifies the roller coaster of feelings you are going through now. Click on my name here, Amanda Andruzzi, and read the articles I wrote to help you become better informed and start the process. It will not change, he may never change but YOU CAN! And for your children please consider making a change as well. Read my book for support, help, inspiration, but just keep focusing on you and how you will start to change. The cycle you are on with addiction and the addict will not stop until you do something to change it. Amanda Andruzzi http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Melissa
10:06 pm December 3rd, 2014

Thanks everyone for sharing their personal stories.. It really helps! I’m also ready to leave my alcoholic, drug addict husband… He drinks & smokes weed morning, noon, & night, drinking and driving constantly, while at work, before work and smokes weed constantly… wakes up first thing has a drink and smokes weed before even saying good morning if I even get a “good morning”… He’s miserable with it and even more miserable without it… Our son is 11 and has made some pretty bad comments about his father as they argue a lot because his dad argues a lot with everyone…
It was 10 years when I first left him, moved out of our home, my parents had died and left me some money so I bought my own house and rented out the basement apt. so I could afford it on my own… 1 and a half years went by and I saw good changes with him he was helpful and considerate and living in a hotel so I thought move in with us again and we can be a happy family… As soon as he moved in his old habits came right back. Verbal/emotional abuse and all. ( No physical abuse…yet, however he does end up wrecking things in the house)
Now I know he’s a nice guy… But I rarely get to see that side of him… And it’s starting to effect our son so that’s where I truly have to draw the line… and the other day it just hit me… nothing he did or said I just felt something slip away… About a year ago my basement flooded so my tenant moved out which was fine as with my husband living there it wasnt necessary and my husband didnt like having a tenant anyways ( just like he doesnt like most things) So my plan is in the new year to move my son and I into the basement apartment and rent out the rest of the house…and He can get out… I cannot live his way anymore… And as scary as it seems sometimes and of course I dont want to hurt him,but for my son and I, It’s Time! I know how good it felt before when I left him once everything settled I was in my glory and so many good things happened in my life but since he;s been back in my life its lies, empty promises, abuse, loneliness, arguing, crying, hoping, debt piling up, uncertainty etc…. My son too said to me that things were better when you left dad… he was nicer to me! I’ve been to an Al Anon meeting, I know I should go to more and probably will… I learned there that we must mind our own business, not mind their business! It seemed that most of the ladies there, maybe all, were staying in their relationships and I didnt feel like that was for me…and this meeting I went to was like 6 months ago… I wish ALL of you The Best in Life! You can do it! Whatever it is! Dont Settle! Make the life you’ve dreamed of and if it takes leaving… then leave… Be FREE! Be at PEACE And Be HAPPY! xo

Amanda Andruzzi
2:36 pm December 4th, 2014

Melissa,
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are ready and it sounds like moving on is well overdue. If you read more of my articles here you will find other options and steps to help you move in because al-anon did not resonate with me either. In fact in my book Hope Street, I talk about how I did not want to learn how to live with the addict, I wanted to get away from him so I could heal. You have already had a glimpse of what life is like without the addict so I know you understand the peace, happiness and positivity that enters your life. I wish you the best of luck but keep moving forward, keep helping yourself and worrying about your son.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Linda
10:38 pm December 28th, 2014

I am sick of the word co-dependent or co-addict as if we are implicated in their behavior or condone it. Innocent victim is more in line with my thinking. Sometimes people have no family or income or outside support and have some young children to support and would be out on the street without enough mental or psychical fortitude to cushion them.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:42 pm December 29th, 2014

Linda,
I understand your thoughts, thank you for sharing. I too felt like a victim many times. I had no income to speak of an addict for a husband, and a child, however towards the end of my marriage I learned what co-addiction really meant. It refers to the relationship we have with an addict, regardless of whose fault it is. It refers to the toxic exchange that happens again and again that we can stop and we should avoid once we learn our part in it.
For example, if the addict comes home high, makes a mess, misses work and passes out, and we yell at them, clean up, or call work for them or do all or any combination of these things, we are engaging in this behavior. What reaction comes so naturally is exactly the thing that we should not do for our own sanity.
I hope that helps Linda.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Denise
1:01 am January 2nd, 2015

Such an insight into my life, all to similar, i have just left, after a terible nite on saturday were my partner fuelled with alcohol behaved horribly!!! The straw that broke the camels back. I have left and am staying with family and devastated. He is still drinking, saying he will stop if i return and he cant cope without me. Terrible situation to find myself in like all these other people.

Nancy
9:17 pm January 4th, 2015

I am in recovery myself. Almost 3 years and recovery has completely changed my life. 8 years for drugs and almost 3 from alcohol…which is a drug to me, so I only claim that time for everything. My husband went through Serenity Lane, but relapsed last night. This time my teenagers were exposed to his ridiculous behavior. I am moving out of town in three weeks to start my own business and this just happened last night. I know what I need to do. I need to protect my own recovery and I don’t want my kids to ever be around this again. I’ve been with him for 5 years. This is a pattern:( I can’t change him or make him go to meetings, get a sponsor, or anything…all I can work on is me. Now I may be moving by myself without him. I hate this disease. This is going to be the hardest move. I love him so much. But he’s a different person when he drinks. My faith tells me I have to stay. I can’t though. I refuse. How the hell am I going to do this? I can’t stand thinking it’s going to happen again.

Evan
2:08 am January 5th, 2015

I started dating my wife when I was 22 years old. 11 years later, we’re married and have two kids. She’s been an alcoholic as long as I’ve known her. I love her, but she has recently put my kids’ lives in danger due to her disease. This isn’t the first time either, it’s just the most recent example. I’ve gone through enough cycles at this point that I simply don’t trust that she will get better. It’s gut wrenching. She’s begging me not to seperate and file for divorce, but I don’t see any other ways to “break the cycle”. Am I crazy?

Ana
5:52 am January 5th, 2015

Hello I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 9 years, we have 2 kids A 4 year old and a 1 year old. I love him but he hurts me with worry when he doesn’t come home and my main fear is that if I leave he will loose himself more in his addiction and that my children won’t see him anymore. How can I get rid of this fear and guilt so that I can focus on my kids . I am just tired of promises that are broken and I just end up alone anyways it’s out of my control but I can’t let go. Any advise will be appreciated.

Robin
5:56 am January 10th, 2015

Sigh. I am reading this as I am nursing my son and my husband is sleeping off a 2 day bender at his buddy’s house. Its strange because I clearly am not ready to leave him, feel giulty because I want to, and know that ultimately I will have to. Makes me sad. He went to rehab and was sober for 5 months. That was august. He made it to december, and pretty much slipped, then fell, and eventually decided what the hell and just leaped. The leap was just after finding out he was getting downsized at work. I am sure that is scary for him, but really?? A vicious bender to solve the problem? Silly alcoholics never learn… I decided to step it up a notch at work, act like this drama is not going on today, and start stacking money away and figure out what to do closer to may when the lease is up here. I do own a home as well, but its rented to other people. My husband, like a lot of alcoholics, is a wonderful sober man. Good father, funny, smart. A bottle of whiskey though, he is scary drunk. Mean like no ones business. Embarassing. Its a terrible situation to be in. I feel for every one that needs to come to this site to feel better about their life, but grateful something like it exists. I am scared for the changes that i may have to face in the near future and wish with all my heart it wasnt true. Best of luck to all of us as we handle our daily struggles in the best ways we know how.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:28 pm January 12th, 2015

Denise,
I am sorry I overlooked your comment somehow. Please keep reading all of the articles here like, Is my boyfriend and addict, and other articles on co-addiction. I am glad you left but an addict can be very manipulative so be careful. They will tell you what you want to hear to get you back and so starts the addictive cycle all over again. You know deep inside when a person’s recovery is for real or if they are doing it to make you or someone else happy. If they do it for someone else, odds are it won’t last and you will be back to the same old.
My book, Hope Street, is a memoir on my experience with my high functioning addict that lasted 12 years. I tried everything to no avail and when I learned that I had to worry about myself (and my small child), everything changed in my life.
Please do not stop reading, you will learn you are not alone.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
http://www.hopestreetmemoir.com

Denise
7:07 pm January 16th, 2015

Hello :) I find myself to be a codependent not on purpose but have laways been one who believes that i cna somwhow help and people desrve chances.I have been through some havy abuse relationships in my life.I just got myself back to being healthy and happy a few years ago.I recently met manwho i am in a so called relationship with.He was wonderful the first five weeks and said he didnt drink much didn’t smoke and things were ok.He had recently broken up with his finance but things were looking good.So we went out on a date and it was lovely.The first five weeks splendid then came along i may have a drink he said.Then informed me that he was in rehab for two weeks his work sent him. He was a recovering alcoholic..Yikes but that he had been ding very well.He treated me well.I did not worry then but did think of some things that could come up.Well fast forward to two months he got a bottle of wine.He drank the whole thing.He said you should drink you could get a little more comfortable .WTH.I said no thank you .Then the lies started he called and said he was going to be working overtime and he didnt know how long.Well i could tell he wasnt at work .So i got my shoes on walked up to the nearest pub and there he was flirting it up wiht a girl and a drink in is hamd.I walked through that door and scared the shit out of him.Then he had the nerve to tell me that i should stay and have a drink .This was ! am in the morning .I told him that he was a liar and what the hell was he doing at a bar chatting it up with another woman and drink while he knew i was at his home waiting with a nice warm bath etc.I said you come with me now i am leaving and if you stay that is your choice.He put his beer down and followed me home.Saying oh i love you blah blah i didnt want you to know cause you would be mad.Nope thats an excuse so he thinks its ok to lie and drink and if it would have gone any further he would have cheated.I learn later tha the has on everyone he has been with.I told him i was leaving in the morning.He thne said maybe i made a mistake i should have stayed with th emy ex.I said well go for it then.He said what i love you yah right.But my own stupidddddddddddddity and he convinves me to stay the next day statred a chain of events.He continued to tlak to his ex and feeling sorry for her drinking and then us going out singing and he getting so drank that he shoved e n the face called me names etc smashed his head into a pole and got knocked out so i helped because i wa a fraind for him.MY brian is obviously not working right.I love him anf he is now been sober for three weeks but i truly dont think he will be able to stop.I try to stay positive but there has ben lots of abuse when he drinks and when he is sober.He is good for a few days a week then hell breaks loose he says terrrible things.I wan to leave i want to stya thinking now he may stay recovering but he also told me if i left that he would probalbly go back to drinking cause he is quitting for himself and i .I told him i need to take care of me i am am drained and my health is failing as i almost lost my life last year from a life threating illness and then severe injuries in a wheel chair crutches for one year and then now therapy for three years.I have an auto immune disease that cause great anxiety too.I was doing so well until i started being with him.His manipulative behavior causes me great anxiety.The sad part is i was told he use to be a great guy.But he has changed and do i trust that he will be again.He and i have had wonderful conversations when he is doing well and thats what gives me hope.What to i do .I am afraid like it says above for all those reason.I have told him i need time away for my own physical mental and spiritual well being.He needs time to heal too.But he says he cant live wthtout me.I havent told you half the things that have happened and i know deep on my heart that it isnt right but so afraid to anger or upset him make him sad that i can stay.Please help .

Amanda Andruzzi
1:04 am February 1st, 2015

Denise,
For some reason I am not being alerted to these posts and I am sorry for the late reply.
It sounds like you are really struggling with all of this. Leaving is the hardest thing for people who are Codependant and this is coming from my own experience. You love him but he has a problem and mistreats you. Anyone out of the situation can tell you to just leave because that is the obvious solution but that is not so simple. There are feelings we cannot control that make us stay. Please do one thing for me, for yourself, find support to help you realize that this has to do with you more than him. As coaddicts we have the propensity to hang in when it is healthier to let go and that is because we are missing something, lacking a piece of ourselves we hope to fill or fix through another person. My memoir, Hope Street, may really help. I have a great understanding of what it takes to get up and get strong, firsthand.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author
Hope Street

Annalese
8:52 am March 8th, 2015

Evan, you are not crazy. They do not change. I have tried to “hold it together” for the kids long enough. My boys are in college. There Dad was sober for awhile,but starting drinking again. I feel it is time for me to move on.The housing market is great to sell our house. I deserve a good life. I made a huge mistake staying for the kids. I think in the long run, I hurt them more. My two sons are afraid to drink since they do not want to become their dad. I feel like I threw my life away stickng around for someone who was so selfish , he only thought of himself. You owe it to yourself and your kids to get out and get help. I am now taking those steps and it is the greatest thing I could have ever done….

Amanda Andruzzi
4:19 pm March 9th, 2015

Annalese,
I am sorry for all that you went through, you did what you thought was right for your children. But yes you deserve more, much more and I wish as co-addicts we could come to that realization early on. I write these articles to help women and men to see there is hope sooner than later. Keep in moving and doing what you are doing and know that your life is not only it has only just begun. Starting a new chapter is something amazing and I am excited for you.
Keep me posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Katy
3:15 pm March 10th, 2015

Please help me. I feel like a broken woman. I have been with my partner for 5 years. He met me when my son was just 18 months old and he is now almost 7. He was a loving partner and stepped up to the role as dad for my son. He has provided for us and been there for us since day one. He is funny, kind caring and thoughtful. He is also addicted to cocaine. If it wasnt for his desire to use the drug he would otherwise be perfect. I believe this is what stopped me leaving before now. For the last 3 years he has made promises and then broke them. He’s been back and forth a few times to his mums when iv caught him out using. He lies about his use. Iv struggled to determine if he is an addict or not because it’s not every day. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes he goes longer. Most of the time it’s happened at home when he’s been on a day off and iv been at work. Nearly always it’s at home. When he’s alone. He went to councilling encouraged by me 2 years ago. He stopped for 18 months. I know he stopped because I’m that in tune to his drug use that I can tell from just Speaking on the phone if he has used or not. Broken speech. Face to face I can tell, pupils, blowing nose, racing heart, sweating etc. He knows I know but will still try to deny it. Sometimes if I grill him hard enough he will admit eventually. After the 18 months it happened again. Because I was onto it happening at home he used in work a couple of times thinking by the time he got home I wouldn’t know. He promises time and time again. I Spend all of my time with him and the only time I leave him is when we work. I put off seeing my friends and don’t like him to go out for fear he will use. The last 4 months iv been prescribed antidepressants to help with my anxiety. These help a little but the fear never leaves. Without drugs he is a lovely man. Even when he is on them he isn’t violent he is awake longer of a night and high. Last week I went to the cinema with friends in a bid to brake the cycle. He promised I had nothing to worry about and that he wants me to get my life back but when I came home he had used. I was so upset. Yesterday he hadn’t used but instead drank two bottles of wine at home in the afternoonwhile I was at work and he was in a foul mood when i got home. He had wanted to go out but after the weekend before when he had used I said I didn’t want him to do something that may tempt him. I think getting drunk was his way of getting at me for keeping him in. Anyway I had a go asking why he’s drinking to bottles of wine in the middle of the afternoon and whilst arguing he punched a hole in the wall. I asked him to leave. He is now back at his mums and iv not spoke or communicated for 2 days. He has text saying he is heartbroken but I didn’t reply. I love him so much. I’m a wreck but I can’t take him doing deugs anymore even if it’s not all the time. To me, if you use at home or at work alone that’s a problem right? He said last week he will speak to someone but hasn’t followed through. I honestly think he’s said that to silence me cause it’s what I want to hear. Feel like this whole situation has taken over my life. My little boy has heard us argue at times but it’s oblivious to why. He loves this man but I don’t want him damaged. Is there hope? Please reply x

Amanda Andruzzi
2:41 am March 12th, 2015

Katy,
I was you not too long ago. I was with my ex-husband, who when we met, his drug of choice was cocaine. He was my best friend, kind, loving, took care of me and our child. I have been to where you have and back, 1,000 times. I know you and exactly what you are feeling. I know you want me to tell you there is hope and I know you need to hear that right now but I would be lying if I told you things are not that bad.
He is an addict, he has a problem and you need to get help for yourself. Those three things I just told you took me 12 long, long years to come to terms with regarding my ex husband. I wrote a memoir, a book called Hope Street, to help other people, because no one understood how I felt. The book is raw, very real and I know it will resonate with you as it has with so many other women like us.
What you need to hear, and honestly, it does not sound like you are really ready to hear, is that you must work on you, you must be okay for your child and move on so that you can heal. You have to find peace and sanity again and you will never, ever, ever have that with an active addict in your life.
Addiction is selfish and when we force our partner to get clean, as you have seen, it never really sticks. An addict needs to come to the realization on their own or what is called, hit bottom. THEY need to get their own help and THEY need to be in recovery and this needs to be an ongoing process. As soon as they get clean and stop working on their recovery, they are usually bound to fail. When an addict is in real recovery, you will know it.
I could hear my husband answer the phone and with one word, I knew instantly he was using. You are in a very sad place right now and the only way to get out is to take the focus off of him and put it on you and your child.
I would recommend, clicking on Amanda Andruzzi, in this blog and reading all of the articles, especially, Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: help for families, treating codependency and all of the others. You need to educate yourself on addiction and on co-addiction. With education you can make informed decisions at the very least.
I wish I could tell you there is hope and anything is possible, but in most cases, addiction is a vicious cycle and unless you get off of it and YOU make a change, things probably won’t change.
Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Kristene
7:01 pm March 27th, 2015

I am struggling with the fact this one problem can potentially destroy my relationship. I am 26 year old young lady and have been with my girlfriend (23 years old) for almost 4 years. I met her while she was getting clean, I had never dealt with addition so I was blind to the severity of it all! She suffers from a Heroin addition and when we met she was being treated with Methadone. When she first told me (the first week we started dating), she had to explain everything…I had no clue what Methadone was. I chose to continue the relationship because I was impressed with her strong will power and commended her for taking control of her life. EVERYDAY for almost 2 years I woke up bright and early to go to the Methadone clinic with her, I took care of her when she was sick, when the Methadone was over she suffered withdrawals and I stayed by her side every second. I thought this would all be part of the past, seeing the pain she was in I thought to myself “Who would voluntarily put themselves through that again”. A year has past and now the Heroin has become a problem again. We had one bad argument and days later she came to me with “I messed up, and I don’t want to do this anymore”. I was very upset and told her father. As the only family in her life we both provided support and she promised it wouldn’t happen again. Two weeks ago I walked in on her about to smoke H again!!! I was furious and distraught I threaten to leave her and she plead her case. She said “I found this left over H in one of my hiding places and I didn’t do it. I was just staring at it because I wanted to but I didn’t do it yet. Thank you for walking in when you did…blah blah blah”. I forgave her and told her I couldn’t deal with this behavior forever, especially since we are discussing toward marriage and kids. I would rather leave now before I become more invested. She promised that if she got the urge she would talk to me or ask me to get her help. I wish I was a psychic but i not, without her telling me how the heck I am supposed to know.

LAST NIGHT. I think is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I walked into our guest bathroom and the horrific odor of burnt foil slapped me in the face. I mentioned something “What the hell?! It reeks here.” Before i could blink she darted in the bathroom and began standing in front of the cabinets, blocking them with her body. Immediately red flags went up, I told her to leave and that I was going to look through everything. SHE REFUSED! She did everything in her power to not let me look in there. Eventually I found a small tube and 2 used pieces of foil smeared the Heroin residue. I was CRUSHED! She swore she didn’t do it but I know better. I told her that was the final straw, I don’t want to start a family with someone when this is clearly going to be a life long thing. With that came suicide threats, that if she doesn’t have me she has nothing. Now I placed with the guilt and an unfair responsibility to look out for her well being. I had to throw away all the knives and anything she could harm herself with. The only way to finally calm her down was tell her “Ok, I wont leave you.” but I lied, I don’t want to be with her. I am a woman of my word I promised her I would be there for her in the beginning and now I feel like I’m betraying her. I feel like we have so much potential, she is two weeks away from graduating and becoming Medical Assistant. I don’t want her to throw her life away or fall further into addiction but I don’t want her well being to be my responsibility. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself if I leave and something horrible happens to her. (Sorry this is so long but thank you for listening).

Amanda Andruzzi
11:41 pm March 27th, 2015

Kristene,

Thank you for sharing your story. There are no judgements here because we have all been blinded by an addict. I am a woman of my word as well so when I said I was going to love my boyfriend, later husband and father of my child, I meant it. However, 12 long years later things were back where they started and I was left holding the bag while my addicted spouse spiraled out of control. I, too, thought he was clean but he never really was. An addict’s whole life revolves around a drug and they lie as soon as they open their mouth.
I had endured too much and my efforts to help him never worked so when my husband started dissappearing on drug binges I kicked him out. I don’t think that makes me a bad person, nor you. You will learn, hopefully sooner than later that you cannot help the addict get clean and the longer you “take care” of them the longer they can go on using. It is not your responsibility to help her and when we support an addict in any way, we are enabling their addiction and hurting ourselves.
The only chance she has is if you leave because it will force her to make a choice on her own, one day, after the addiction has made her hit rock bottom. Otherwise, she is only promising sobriety to keep you in her life so she can keep using.
I thought my husband would stop when he saw the negative affect his drugs had on our daughter, but the drug was stronger, it always is. I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, and these articles in this blog to help people help themselves and give some guidance and direction for others to not make the same mistakes I made and most co-addicts make. The first step is keeping your word, she broke a boundary, the next step is letting her go and finding support for you. That I can help you with.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Paula
6:00 am April 13th, 2015

I’ve been watching myself progress through all the stages of denial, despair, anger, and resignation over the past several years, since I figured out my husband of 15 years has become a progressively worse alcoholic. I’m not leaving him because, frankly, I want him to go. I’m the one with the job, the one who manages the bills and the mortgage and the appointments and the seven (yes, seven) children. My credit is terrific. Why the hell should I uproot the eight of us and cast us into financial ruin over his problem. I just don’t know how to get him out. And I don’t know how to provide suitable childcare for the kids. The oldest is 13. I earn a decent living, but I am by no means well-off. We already live paycheck to paycheck. I got myself a nice therapist and I’m attending AlAnon. I have some well-meaning but classically codependent family members giving sporadic support.
And damn, I could have a life. My kids are awesome. I have interests, talents. I’m not all that old yet (41). I don’t hate my husband, and I see he tries. He attends AA fairly religiously, but he falls off the wagon every 10 days or so, and lately it’s MY fault he’s drinking. In fact, if I am to believe him, the drinking isn’t actually a problem, but living with me is. I think of all the sacrifices I’ve made for the good of our family (can’t let him take the kids down with him, sorry), the extreme patience I’ve summoned up on his behalf. I know I’m not doing him any favors here, but I honestly can’t think of an escape short of death (his or mine, it’s a toss up.) That last bit is just smart-ass. I’m not seriously suicidal or homicidal. Just done in.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:12 pm April 14th, 2015

Paula,
You sound like a really awesome person. You sound like someone who is able to take the world by storm if need be but life has thrown you a curve ball, or better yet an alcoholic. With seven children and a full time job, I am not sure how you do it all but I truly believe that if you can do that, you can move on with your life.
You sound like you are at the last straw and I have been there, done that, believe me. I was so broken, I started to journal and what transpired was a book. I wrote Hope Street because I really felt like I wanted to share my experience with an addict with other people going through this because there is nothing like getting advice from someone who has been there and there is nothing like feeling you are not alone.
Paula, you are not alone, your situation, as you stated, is not dire, you have a way out, you just have to figure it out. Right now, you can simply be in the planning phase, so don’t feel hopeless.
Now is a good time to use your therapist, friend and any support network to get a plan. First, you may want to start with giving your husband an ultimatum, please read my article Zero Tolerance for Drug Addiction: Help for Families in this blog (just click on my name at the top, all my articles will pop up). This article will give you the steps on how to confront the addict. The next step is to have a backup plan, if he does not go into a detox program, he has “XYZ days” to leave the home. In this time, you will be planning on childcare and enlisting the help of your friends and family to help you and support you.
Just knowing that there is an end to this, even if the plan takes a year to make, can be very freeing. Start taking back control of your life, I was 31 when I “started to leave” after 12 years and one child (we couldn’t have anymore because his addiction caused him to be sterile). I felt like you, I had a lot more to offer and I was not ready to spend the rest of my life in and out of someone else’s addiction. I am now remarried with 3 children. Paula, you can move on, just remember, a plan is all you need. Keep me posted, keep reading my articles here for help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi I
12:13 am April 21st, 2015

Nancy, Evan, Ana and Robin,
I am sorry your posts slipped through my radar as I did not get an alert when they were posted, only looking back now did I find them.
I read each post thoroughly and although each situation is different, I would like to address them at once and say that living with an addict is rarely easy and if a resource such as this can help in any way, we should utilize it. You will be able to read through the articles and find posts that are similar to yours and that can be an asset. We feel so alone and are so misunderstood at times that instead of reaching for help we just crawl deeper into our own caves.
By posting and sharing stories, we are reaching our hand out and taking a life line. We are admitting things have to change and know that one day, when we are ready, we will be the one to make the change. There are so many resources available to you and I HOPE you keep reaching and don’t give up. Please feel free to post again and I will be checking weekly for missed posts.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Amanda Andruzzi I
12:36 am April 21st, 2015

Evan,
I would like to address your missed post personally because when a co-addict asks if THEY are crazy, I know I can help. You are not crazy! You are probably the responsible parent, the rock, and the one your children really need right now. The “situation” is crazy and separating from an addict who puts a child’s life in danger is SANE, very sane. It does not mean you do not love the person or have hope they will recover, it just means that you need to be away from the insanity of addiction and create a safe space for your children. You need to let the addict go through it on their own and that is all okay, not even a little bit crazy. I truly believe, especially when we continue to fail at attempting to help an addict that it is in the best interest of the addict and ourselves to let go. By separating, you may actually have a shot at being happy and she a shot at getting sober. If she knows you will always be there, she has no reason to get clean, if you leave and she loses her children, maybe she will.
Keep me posted.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Chrissy
12:36 am April 30th, 2015

First I would like to say that I am very grateful I found a site dealing with this topic exists Bc just reading from others that are or have been in the same type of situation has been comforting. I realize now that I’m not as crazy as I thought for doing many of the same things that someone who has never been in the situation would find absurd! The logical right thing to do that I believe deep down all of us know would be leaving but not as easily done than said. And unless u experience a relationship like this nobody else truely can understand how someone would put up with anything like everyone on here has expressed. I’m dealing with my husband being herion addict and we have 4 children together. many times I thougt I was done and have been sucked back into staying by believing his lies. I know now having been through more times than I can count that nothing will change unless I make a change. I no longer believe anything he says. IT may be a few months that go by that I actually am able to catch him with somethjng proving it never stopped but i no longer believe there is any clean time even if I have no proof. Now I just wait knowing that there will be a day I catch him without even having to try anymore and expect the blow up that has happened many times before. Mentally I feel like I’m done but I can’t get over loving him. We have been through something very traumatic that makes having to deal with this addiction even more hurtful. And because of that past experience I believe is what makes me so ashamed to turn to anyone for help again. Which leaves me now feeling very alone and without any where to go.If I felt I had somewhere to go I believe things would probably be different. He controls all the finances and is the only one that works. I truely don’t think I would be able to handle working right now 1 Bc I have no daycare anyway and 2 Bc of physical problems I am having right now. So when i say I have nothing I literally mean I have nothing! There are even times that I am not able to feed my children that’s how bad it is. All I can think about is even if I do get to the point that ive had enough – where am I going to go? I love him so much it hurts sometimes I feel guilty for even dreaming about how life would be better without him Bc when I said those vows ” in sickness and in health” I meant it and I look at it like any other life threating illness. I would never in million years leave him if he had cancer so how is this different? Every day my feelings change sometimes I feel like I’m his side of the battle and sometimes my thought are more focused on me and the kids. I’m all over the place and confused just as I’m sure that everything I have written will probably show! Sorry about that but any advise I will appreciate! Thanks!

Amanda Andruzzi
1:23 pm May 4th, 2015

Chrissy,
You are in a very tough situation, there is no doubt. I am so sorry for what you are going through but you are not alone, you are not crazy and I have been there. I would attribute a lot of your pain and stress from your husband’s addiction. Constant stress and worry affects you physically and so this may also be negatively contributing to your physical condition. This kind of stress will creep into other parts of our life and make everything worse.
I understand your position and that you have limited ability to leave. This does not mean that you have to put up with what is going on to the point that you are beside yourself. What you can start to do is learn to let go in your head and leave him alone. You can do your best (this will get easier over time) to try to live your life and be a good parent, not argue with him, not check up on him and not allow his behavior to affect your mood. Easier said than done right! But it can be done. You can find freedom in your mind and this mood change may then affect you in a positive way that you may start to feel better. You may have a better outlook and look at the situation differently. The key is to get YOU back. If you have to do that while living with him, then it will be a bit harder. However, I bet if you have people around you that love you and you told them what was going on, people might surprise you and offer support. With the support of the people you love, with clarity, with some freedom in your mind, you will be surprised what you will be able to do. You have been dealing with him for so long, having a new challenge is probably easier than living with an addict.
I went from a 7500 square foot home in a prestigious neighborhood where all of our friends and family thought we were well off (me included) to a one bedroom tiny apartment with my child (when I was evicted from that home). I had nothing. I wouldn’t go back to that home and was happier struggling with my child than living with the addict. You will be surprised what you learn to live with and when you have freedom from that, what peace and happiness you and your children might have.
Chrissy, start by reading the other articles here I wrote to help you start letting go in your mind and then behaving, acting and reacting differently. This will do you a world of good and even if he continues to use, you will feel more peace and your children will benefit from being with one stable parent. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Best,
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

Gabriella
1:05 pm May 16th, 2015

I don’t know if I’m being naive and blind to what’s going on or not..
I’m 26 and he is 32, we’ve been together for about 4 years. He is the most kind hearted man and I love him so incredibly much.
He has been through so much pain in his life which has resulted in drinking and drugs coming into his life. And I can’t judge him for it because I have no idea what I would do if I had gone through what he has.
With him it comes in periods sometimes it will be months almost a whole year without any issues with drinking and the drugs but then suddenly he will have something like a “relapse” and he gets on it again for a few days, which results in for example him not coming home until the next day, or showing up in the middle of the night completely wasted.
Misunderstand me right , he has never been aggressive towards me ever. It’s almost as if when he is drunk he is sweeter. But obviously it’s a problem and I myself are not sure what to do.
I don’t want to leave him because I love him, I want to stand beside him and be strong for him for us, for me. He is my man and I don’t want to give up on him. But does this make me naive? Am I being blind?
I was well aware of these issues when we first met and i knew what I was in for and that these things will happen and maybe never completely go away.
Anyone going through something similar to this?

Amanda Andruzzi
1:40 pm May 18th, 2015

Gabriella,
Thank you for sharing. You are not being naive, but there is a lot you do not know about addiction, enabling and co-addiction. You love someone who has issues with drugs and alcohol and it is likely this will not stop but you can make a choice. You can chose to let him know how you feel and that it has to stop or you can let him go. Those are your choices. You cannot fix him and sometimes the help we give only enables their addiction. My ex-husband’s father left him to use drugs and disappeared his whole childhood, he was sexually abused and had other issues but I thought he was a good person. He had similar issues to what you describe and I chose to stay. I wrote a memoir about this time and I would highly recommend you reading it so you can get a true picture of what addiction is really like, especially as it progresses, which it usually does. Hope Street, my memoir, may really help you to understand your feelings and what is going on with your partner. Either way, keep reading about co-addiction, enabling and addiction, it is in your best interest to understand what you are dealing with so that you can make informed decisions. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict

lucy
2:31 am May 20th, 2015

I found this is column after researching addiction issues.. My married daughter told me her husband decided he wasn’t ready to raise twins ,, after she found out she was pregnant… To help her cope I offered to buy us a mother/Daughter home to help her if he left her high and dry… l than find out he has an issue with alcohol and has disappeared on a binge and she is devastated.. As we move on with the home purchase, he goes to rehab, cause he will lose his job, and we all move in together, I don’t trust him to stay sober.. gut feeling, but she says he’s good… 2 nights ago he comes home raging drunk.. drove home.. wakes us up. Scares the shirt out of me…….My first experience of him…..punches a hole in the wall, his father and uncle come, ugly words exchanged.. blah, blah, blah.. fast forward 3 days, I have said nothing, daughter said he will go to a meeting, hasn’t happened yet. His parents are aol right now cause he thinks it’s no one’s business…. You all know where this is leading, just like you know where yours is leading.. it’s all the same, just in diff locations… One woman of an alcoholic left for good when she had an epifany….My alcoholic husband is a menace and danger to me and society..why should I go to Al~ Anon and learn to live detached???????That’s not a marraige!! Fuck Him….

Amanda Andruzzi
1:09 pm May 20th, 2015

Lucy,

You have every right to be angry, this is your daughter and grandchildren and their lives are at stake. Being married to an addict is a difficult situation especially when there are children. I know, I was married to a drug addict and we had a child. My parents supported me for the sake of my daughter but they were also there for me when things fell apart so there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, however, you do not need to house the alcoholic. If that is your house and your help, you have every right to not allow an addict in your life. If he is not going to meetings and working in recovery EVERYDAY, it is likely this will happen again. My ex addict always tried to convince me that he was okay, he didn’t need to go to meetings, it would never happen again… It always did. my book, Hope Street, is my memoir of the last year living with my addicted husband. I suggest your daughter read it and understand better what she is dealing with in regards to addiction and so she can get a glimpse of her life in the future if SHE doesn’t make a change. This all has to come from her though because it is her marriage, not yours. If she waits for him to change I can tell you there will be many more years like this. However, you have every right to not allow this in your home, you are not rejecting your daughter, only letting them both know this cannot go on in your life. There are also 30 some odd articles here I wrote on addiction, co-addiction, help for families, etc. just click on Amanda Andruzzi at the top of this article and they will all come up. Keep me posted. I am here to help.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, Published Author, Hope Street, a memoir from a co-addict
View the Video a Trailer-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg&feature=youtu.be

Gabriela
9:43 am May 22nd, 2015

Thank you for the answer.
I feel that I’m not ready to give up on him just yet. And his issues aren’t that “severe” that he can’t help himself. He hasn’t gone to the point where he has to drugs all day everyday or he gets the shakes if he doesn’t get it. What I’m trying to say is that it has not come to the point where all hope is lost yet. If he really wants to get better there is a big chance he can, if he just believes in himself.
At the moment he has told me he needs some space to get through this on his own without depending on me, get back on track. Focusing on training, eating healthy etc. these are all good signs I think as he has recognised he has a problem and he is trying to deal with it.
It hurts me though as he wants space from me, and I’m trying to give him the space he needs and now I’ll just have to wait and see what will happen.
I obviously can’t wait forever. We live together and I’m going to stay at a friends house for a few days to leave him be. I just want to be there for him, I don’t want to give up is that wrong?

Amanda Andruzzi
1:05 pm May 22nd, 2015

Gabriela,

It is not wrong to love someone and give them space. Sometimes the cycle you are in with an addict has to be broken. I hope you take this time though to not focus on him but to help you. It is important that you are strong and feel good about yourself. instead of spending your time worrying about him it would be a good idea to make sure you are also okay and in a good place. Loving someone with an addiction, we tend to stop taking care of ourselves. It is important you take care of you.
Best, Amanda Andruzzi, published Author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View video trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61EzoRqbmg&feature=youtu.be

Tina
4:48 am June 16th, 2015

I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend on and off for 7 years. We always split when his alcohol use was getting out of control and I felt like I was stuck in a deep black hole. After about a year he would contact me that hes better and thats how the vicious cycle started again and ended with him drinking. This year we have gotten back together and moved in and he started drinking little by little up until I felt like I didnt exist to him. After constantly addressing him He would deny his problem and say that I was controlling. After living for 8 months he made a big nasty aggresive scene and I did not feel safe around him anymore. And so I left. After contacting him he says hes not gonna drink n that he is getting help and seems to want my support. I love him and I do not know how to look at this situation. Is he saying this out of fear to lure me back ? or did he realize what he lost?

Emily
10:11 pm June 24th, 2015

Please help me, I’m 21 yo with a 29 yo boyfriend we have been together 3 years and have a 1 year old daughter. Beginning of this year I found out he was an addict by him trying to take his own life. I stuck by him and he did 3 months sober and things were great since then he’s relapsed 3 times. I’ve tried crying, shouting and understanding I don’t know what else to do I really really love him and I don’t want to leave I just need to know when enough is enough?!

Chelsea
11:54 pm June 26th, 2015

Hi, I’ve been married to an alcoholic for 8 years and together for 11, we have 2 children together. I’ve decided to leave this coming week. I’ve had a lot of advice from the support I have to do this but I’m just confused. Our house is infexted by bugs for the second time, we only have one legal car that my mom gave us, but hasnt been paid for (even though we could with our taxes), were in debt up to our eyeballs. Our sons 3rd bday party is tomorrow and I wanted to pack essentials while hes at work the monday after (i go clean my grandmother once a wk and take the car) and talk/tell him bf he starts drinking when he gets home (my mothers watching the kids btw). Then take the, packed by then, car back to where we’re staying for a while. My family/support wants to do it Sunday with them there, tell him, pack essentials and my bigger stuff (which I can totally do without) and leave. On top of not knowing what to say to him Still, id prefer to do it my way (i personally feel safe),, but then I’m having doubts what to do? I need non biased advise

Marilyn
3:39 pm July 5th, 2015

I am married to a alcoholic 10 years this year. Wonder hard working husband and father when sober. He has come a long way over the years and does better now. But he still has a problem. He is not in denial and knows he needs to stop. Catch is he is a chef. It’s like once he leaves for work for the day, by the end of it he snaps (lots of issues at work) and says screw it. So we get him at home pissed off from his day, drinks a few (hides it) is a bit obnoxious for a short period and passes out for the night. So frustrating. He is remorseful in the morning and knows he screwed up yet again. Last night though, he was trying to get around our dog, stubbed his toe (that was sprained twice now) then got angry and pushed chair to floor in front of 5 year old son. Not typical buzzed behavior. He may have been a little mad also because we were discussing a financial matter that he wasn’t aware of right before that happened. Still uncalled for. I know a lot of people deal with a lot more, but I still have a closet alcoholic on my hands that I love dearly, but am exhausted at times. I am a stay at home mom and currently pregnant. We are looking for him another job in the food service industry possibly not a restaurant (hopefully). Thoughts appreciated.

Amber
12:39 am July 14th, 2015

Reading all of these comments does help a little. I have been with my husband for 12 years married and 15 all together. We have two autistic boys (our oldest who is 8 is severe and completly nonverbal). We met when we were seniors in high school and I guess I was so involved with wanting to get out of my emotionally abusive and sometimes physical home i grew up in that I never saw the red flags. At times he has been verbally abusive prob more than what i ever saw (realized). From day one of us miving in he wanted to work and me to do everything else. The kind of man that wants to have his house cleaned and a hot meal waiting on him when he gets home from work. He has always smoked pot and at first it was no big deal but as kids came we had to move to the city for a new job and where he needed to be clean but after so long he discovered the legal version of weed. We are now on round three where he will stop w all his promises and then he gets back on. We are in horrible debt and can barely pay our bills which includes vital therapy for our children. At first it was always the threats of he has a job so he could take the kids or he would fight me for our youngest since he has never thought he was autistic or needed all the therapy his brother gets. But now i think i am officially sick and tired of being sick and tired. When we last had a huge fight about everything and he did his threats i told him i would have a job within the week and i did. It doesnt have much hrs or pay but i have a job now i just gotta get up the nerve. I do love him and i guess now its just more comfort level than anything. So confused as to what to do but when he doesnt care whether we have the money for it ornot and just spend hundreds of dollars a month i dont know how much more i can stand

teresa
2:11 am July 14th, 2015

i been with my boyfriend for 5 years i love him dearly and i live with him but i just dont know what to do anymore i try to talk to him about his drinking he drinks everyday part of me wants to stay part of me wants to leave. but hes not even trying to get help.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:31 pm July 16th, 2015

Tina,
Yes, he is placating you so that you will take him back. And so goes the vicious cycle.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:40 pm July 16th, 2015

Chelsea,
Do it any way you feel comfortable as long as the end result is leaving. Do what feels right for you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:45 pm July 16th, 2015

Emily,
You have to answer that question for yourself. I know it took me 12 years, 6 years of marriage and one daughter for enough to be enough, but that may not be the case for you. I hope you can find strength and support here and with my book, Hope Street. I think it will help you feel understood and I wrote it to help other people going through this.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:50 pm July 16th, 2015

Marilyn, Amber and Teresa,
You are all struggling with some one else’s addiction. Someone’s else’s issues and demons are controlling your life and that is what needs to stop so that you can find some peace. I know, I have been exactly where you are. I spent 12 years like this, through marriage and a child. My book, Hope Street, is my memoir of my life with an addict. I hope you can read it and all of the other articles here that I write to help people struggling in this life. I want you to have hope and that is why I wrote Hope Street. I think looking here and posting is the first step and you took it, so do not stop here. Keep searching for answers and do not settle for what the addict is telling you will happen. Look at the evidence, the proof that things are going to be different and take the focus off of him and put in on you. I hope this helps.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Paula
6:22 am July 20th, 2015

Hi Amanda,
I wrote to you back on April 15 about being pretty fed up with my alcoholic husband. Just wanted to let you and anyone stopping by know, I reached my limit with the situation and gave him the boot. He was becoming increasingly belligerent and denying his drinking was the “real” problem, while passing out and leaving our 7 children unattended while I was at work.

In the end, when I could not get him to leave of his own volition, I asked the advice of our local police department, who kindly pointed me to our local domestic abuse center. With their help, I was able to obtain an emergency order of protection. My children and I are now happily installed back in our home, my family is helping with childcare pending other arrangements I’m making through an AlAnon friend, and my lawyer is ready to file my legal separation petition when the order of protection comes up for hearing in a couple of weeks.

I wish I could say I feel something like regret about this whole thing. The truth is, I mourned the loss of the man I loved a long time ago. Now I’m simply perfectly at peace with the loss of the dysfunctional, self-centered, life-blood-sucking shell of a man that was occupying my home and sucking the joy from my life.

Would I go back? To that? Absolutely not. That being said, if he eventually finds himself in remission, solidly committed to ongoing sobriety and new ways of thinking and dealing with his life, I would still consider reconciling. As I told his brother, if he maintains a year of healthful living, committed sobriety, and demonstrates he can fend for himself, then I will be willing to at least start discussing sharing a future with him again.

But for now, I am perfectly ready to move forward with my sizable family, with him or without him.

Thank you for the extremely helpful articles and advice I found on this site. It was a piece of many factors that combined to bring me to a much better place than I was 3 months ago.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:07 pm July 20th, 2015

Paula,
Thank you for sharing that with us., you are doing the right thing for you and your children. The peace you have now is s direct response to letting go. I am glad you found the strength to move on.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

karina
4:42 am July 22nd, 2015

Hi Amanda, I just found this is wonderful that after years youare still helping people, I’m 26 years old I got married two years ago, we have a son of 1 year old together, my husband has being smoking pot on and off, he quites then he gets back to it, and so as alcohol although alcohol is more present, then ever before, since we start living together he drink every night not kidding I got pregnant and the moment that I old my son I told him that he needs to reduce the amount of alcohol and drink only on the weekends so he did ir, I thought omg this is actually working, well I was wrong he was hiding the alcohol and also the weed, the first time I caught him, he said promise I’m gonna quite for real, ok., now after 2 years he still does the same thing, he promise something and the next week I’m here founding bottles or weed, I’m so over the situation, so I told him you need professional help, cuz I can’t do this no more I want with all my heart to have a family but this is not what I want for myself or my son, the thing is if I decide to leave him , I will leave the country, I’m from south america, so it’s not that hecan visit my son when he wants too, if I do this is gonna be ugly in court , he always says if you want to leave me you can do it but they wouldn’t let you take my son cuz he’s American so he belongs here with me, no matter how much you try so I’m always afraid to try cuz I do not wanna lose my son, so I’m still here with him, I don’t know what to do, wait for him to got to recovery or just live with this until my son is old enough to to decide with him what is the best.

Nancy
9:21 pm July 28th, 2015

I’m so grateful for the insight and to hear about everyone else’s stories. I am still currently separated but my husband has started going to AA and has almost 3 months sober. He works as a fisherman and is away at sea. I work hard while I’m here to keep me focused on taking care of me, but am considering taking him back and turning it over to a Power greater than myself. I’m praying about this and know I can trust in turning it over. I’m not sure where we’re going (him and I) but I do believe in miracles. Today is filled with gratitude & hope and staying in the moment. Thank you all so much for sharing.

Ella
1:01 am July 30th, 2015

Great article. I am in a relationship with a alcoholic. He is the best person I know when sober buy he sucks when he drinks. Lately I feel like he is getting worse and we just had a baby. He loves her dearly but he doesn’t do anything really proactive to prevent himself from relapsing. It’s so hard to know what to do. He has had long stretches of sobriety but he always relapses. Anyway thank you for your article, fear is the hardest thing and having the energy to go through with a split.

Jojo
7:11 am July 31st, 2015

I need help knowing what to do I have been married for less then a year and have a child on the way but don’t want him to go through what my husband’s children from his previous marriage’s are going through he has told me several times that he does not want this child and I have him on recording saying it. He has drank on and off for the last 3 years. The first year I had called the cops cuz he had beat me. And he took the charges and stop drinking for almost a year. Then it started up again and I never reported it cuz he was trying to get his youngest daughter back then we did and he stopped for a few months and around Nov he started up again. Jus after Christmas him n his 15 year old son had gotten in to an argument and it was winter time n his son walked out of the house the cops were called n he got hit with fourth degree child abuse was put on probation for 8 months he quit drinking for bout 5 months all was going good we were in the process of getting his kids back n when we did he started right back up n now that we have gotten he youngest daughter back he has started back on me not beateing me but verbley abuseing me calling me all kinds of names, telling me that he don’t want this kid,that his youngest daughter is the one that has his whole heat n this kid is nothing. I don’t want my child growing up like he i s a mistake. I have family that I can move in with but I don’t know how to do the whole court thing n I don’t want my child to be any where near him he will only be an infant and can not leave or say he wants to leave or call me if anything were to happen to him someone PLEASE help me n let me know how or what I can do I’m tired of living in fear n crying myself to sleep every night PLEASE help

Cathy
6:48 pm August 21st, 2015

I am getting ready to have my 12th Anniversary. We have three children. My husband has been drinking a fifth of vodka every day for at least a year. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He has told me he that he just wants to punch me in the face. He has called me names in front of our children. He controls our bank account and Verizon account. He has had our Google accounts synced together so he has been able to know who I call, text, Google searches, and read my journal that was through Google and I didn’t realize. I was on my way out the door when he said he was going to quit. He quit for almost 3weeks, but smokes pot everyday. He has been sneeking drinks of alcohol the last two days (like I can’t smell it). He said he wanted to have a get together with friends and I said, “what about drinking”? He said, “I’m not on a 12week program! I’ve been sober for three weeks!(not true, he hasn’t been drunk but he has drank)..I am not the person/ mother I need to be.. Yet I don’t know why I am still here! I don’t know what I’m waiting for? He has even shot a gun off in the house drunk..I feel paralyzed, afraid..lost

Heidi
10:02 am August 26th, 2015

I am on my second marriage for 6 years and yet another alcoholic. The first alcoholic was a real shock and he was always rude and mean while sober. It took me 14 years after he kicked me out permanently to even think of getting a new relationship. This second guy is so thoughtful and nice. He is gradually getting worse because his low self-esteem is getting the best of him. He originally told me that it was his headaches. I still believe him, but he is drinking now for more than just headaches. The one thing everyone should be aware of is dysfunction. I tell my husband that I cannot do certain things because of our dysfunction. We are dysfunctional because he is basically a baby when it comes to dealing with certain things. I try and tried to help him out but he gives in to drinking. I learned from the first husband that everyone needs to be themselves. If you have to cover anything up once or twice that’s fine. But if you get to the point that you don’t know when you will have to cover up again, then I am pretty sure he needs to either get help or move out. Otherwise you will be in it for the long haul. I had a heck of a long haul with that first husband. At first I thought things my be my fault to a large degree (very dysfunctional). But I did everything I could and I was practically perfect. You could literally eat off my floors, I was sexy and hot, good in bed, sweet as could be and took care of the four kids ages (4 and under). Then I said “what more can I do”? That’s when I knew he was crazy but it still took me a long time to leave (I should say “by the grace of god, he kicked me out). So now with this new husband whom I really love, he doesn’t really stand a chance with my experience. I hate to leave him (we have 2 very young children) but I have been looking for a way to support myself for quite sometime. I have a job but since I am still breast feeding, I don’t want a full-time job. I have always told my 2nd husband that I would rather be out on the street than to be abused. That includes verbal abuse. I still believe it and that’s why I will leave. Luckily it is not as bad as it could be. I have my happiness still. He will not take that away. I am still sad about what is going on but I love god and he loves me. No person will ever take that away from me. I am important and worth something. Don’t ever let an alcoholic or addict take that away and if they do then get it back because god loves you and you are priceless.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:15 am August 31st, 2015

Karina,
If you go to court with him, you will let them know of his addiction and I promise you they will not allow him to be the guardian of your son. He will be the one who will lose any custody at all. So if that is what you are scared of and is what is keeping you with him, I would not let this scare you. I really hope you find some support, either with al-anon, a therapist specializing in addiction and/or a local support group. Community will help you feel less alone and support you in your decisions.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:19 am August 31st, 2015

JoJo,
Please read my book Hope Street. It is my 12 year struggle of living with an addict. We also had a child together. There is hope and you will get through this and come out the other side okay. I would not worry about court allowing him to see your child, with his record and his instability and inability to stay clean, you should have no worries.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:25 am August 31st, 2015

Cathy,
Please go for help right away, this is not a healthy situation. I am concerned for your safety and that of your children. You have rights and you can do something about this. If you can leave with your children then do so, if not, you can call the police and file a complaint against him. You have choices, you are not helpless and you do not have to live like this anymore. When an addict stops doing their drug of choice because of an ultimatum or because they have been asked to, it never sticks because they are not truly doing it because they want to. Please start by finding an al-anon meeting in your area, a local support group or something or someone who you can confide in and can support you in this situation. The writing is on that wall, you can do this.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:28 am August 31st, 2015

Heidi,
Thank you for sharing and for your comments. You are exactly right, you are worth everything and you will get out of this situation when you can. Focus on your happiness and raising your children and you always have the choice to leave the addict alone, even if you live alongside them.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Karen
4:28 am September 6th, 2015

I hate my situation and want to leave, but feel like I have concrete blocks over my feet. I pay all the bills, although he is now working. There is no real abuse, but he comes home every night and I can barely understand what he is saying. It is a huge relief when he passes out and goes to bed. I am 65 years old and don’t want to waste my remaining years like this. I do have my own interests – volunteer, go to yoga, visit people without him. He is a good man in many ways, but this drinking and drugging is wearing me out. I feel so tired all the time.

Maria
3:36 am September 7th, 2015

Hello, I have a 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship and a 7 month old with my husband now. During the first year after our union, I noticed he started drinking excessively. Due to the nature of his job, I thought at first it was normal becasue I didn’t see him drink daily, when we were dating. However when he did drink he didn’t know when to stop. We have had several arguement where I have asked him not to drink excessively and he has shown improvement, however recently he has been attending numerous “work events” as an excuse to go drinking with his friends. It has gotten to the point where he has pretended to go to work and takes the day off from work to go drink all day at a sporting events and come home drunk to our family. I have given him an ultimatum and told him I will leave if he continues. He promised to stop. Then he got drunk this weekend again, a week after we discussed he would not continue. He has a serious problem that he won’t admit to and even worse tells me that 99% of American men do this, and it’s normal. I know I am not crazy and will never accept this behavior. I have decided I have no choice but to leave if he doesn’t not seek help and get better. We are having an intervention this week, and I am in shambles and stressed badly. We have two beautiful children and it breaks my heart to see a good man prioritize drinking over spending time with our girls. I want to make the right choice, but I’m not sure if I should give him a chance to recover and heal from this disease, or is it best to move forward and leave him for good. I want to make the right decision for our family. He is such a good husband when he is not drinking and this is the only problem we have. Please help.

Allana
5:09 am September 8th, 2015

I am currently going thru the same thing. I am going to buy your book . My fear is he’ll get better and find someone new and better than me but he refuses to change the keeps making fake promises he can only hurt me so much I’m sick of crying I do love him but I have to Move on . Ppl don’t realize how much a addict cuz emotional affect u I think I need to see a psychiatrist after being in that relationship He was a h user and broke my heart I saw needles everywhere he overdosed and almost died twice. I worry about him but I can’t keep putting myself they this stress and torture. Cuz that’s what it felt like I was living in hell and he was torturing me . He had bad mood swings when he didn’t get the drugs he would disappear for days I don’t deserve that I deserve better he would always try to make me feel like every fight was my fault he blamed me for his addiction which is ridiculous I wasnt the cause of it. He refused to get a job I paid for everything I felt like he just used me I feel really low about myself right now I’m hurt I gave up my friends for him because his problems were more important than me having a life

Shannon
3:05 pm September 9th, 2015

My husband is addicted to alcohol we have broken up 2 times before the reason is because when he drinks he doesn’t come home at night I feel I should not have to put up with this Now we have broken up a third time because he was out all night for 3 nights and did not call me to let me know where he was. he just told our son he was going to buy smokes and never came back he took my son’s bike probably sold it he had my bank debit card I tracked where had all been he purchased 131.00 on beer and part of that money was 17.00 dollars he spent on a taxi to his friend’s place and then the next day he picks up his paycheque and he spends it all on himself my son and I get nothing. I feel so used We are not together now I resist the urge to call him because it will only weaken me And I know I don’t want to continue to live this way Like baseball 3 strikes and your out I know this post may seem like I am strong but I’m crying everyday it’s very hard because he stole from us my laptop, money, son’s bike it makes me sick I’an not taking him back this time. he has hurt me and my child I know I will never be able to trust him and once the trust is gone. The relationship is gone. It is very scary to be on your own with a child I am not close with my brothers all of my family has slammed the door in my face I have one best friend that helps me I thank god for her

Emily
4:43 am September 10th, 2015

My fiancé relapsed after 5 years clean from intravenous drug use. He works hard, and loves me and his family and be present and active in our lives. He has been nothing but kind and loving to me, and in 3 years has never lost his patience with me. I love him and discovering that he had relapsed is the greatest betrayal to me, because I know I can never compete with drugs. The question that I cannot answer is whether I can consider staying. Can I have a future with him? I would leave in an instant if there was abuse but I have just the opposite. I love him but am scared that if I stay I will be in for a life of relapses and lying about his addiction even if he goes to meetings and is tested regularly for drugs. I don’t want to leave him because I truly love who he is and his actions. Except this. And this isn’t something I can look past. I know I have to be honest with myself but I have no answers. Is there any good reason to stay or will I just be hurting myself? I have done that before and I don’t want to go down that path again.

Amanda Andruzzi
9:39 pm September 14th, 2015

Karen, Maria, Shannon, & Emily,
I am addressing all of you because what you are going through may seem unique but I promise you, you are not alone. When living with and loving an addict, things will always be chaotic, feelings, behaviors, moods, their and then our own. It is important that you separate yourself from the addict in order to start having a more clear vision. You need to make decisions that being involved in the situation won’t allow. Although in each scenario, I would recommend moving on, at the very least, mentally and if you can physically, see what it is like not to be affected by his behavior. See what it would be like to have a life of normalcy, balance and peace and then maybe you can decide what you really need to do. I think you will choose to let go because staying with an addict, enabling is very common and this always ends in disaster for you. When you want things to change YOU must change them. There is hope, it is why I wrote my memoir, Hope Street, to help you all feel understood because I have been there and to inspire you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Jessa
12:59 am September 15th, 2015

I am at a loss. All the articles I encounter have such drastic circumstances and I feel as if my situation pales in comparison. Am I blowing this out of proportion?
My boyfriend of several years has started drinking heavily the last 8 months. He has gotten to the point where he has started screaming at my young (6) child because her bio-dad is a drug addict and she still loves him. This was a black out incident (been together happily for 2 years bit this is the ssecond incident in 3 months) he has been lying to himself and me about how many drinks he has had. He admits he drinks a lot but says he has it under control . Im worried that this is just going to get worse. Should I take my child and leave or try to get him in recovery. I dont want this to have a negative impact on my childs mental health. He is not her dad but he is the only father figure she has ever known. Is it more devastating for her to be around him with his alcohol abuse or to to leave someone she is close to emotionally?

sowmya
1:01 pm September 18th, 2015

Hi, I married to an multiple addict,but after our marriage my husband is far better than before he was. But now a days he again going to the same way I feel,he never abused me physically or verbally. He admit that I don’t want to leave this addiction at least one percent of it should be there in my life,he even tells that if you want I should not use tablets and other things they allow me to use pot. I am scared now because we have 3months old baby and I don’t want to influence him or neither I don’t want my baby to leave in this kind of environment. But after all I don’t want even I leave my husband. So how to Handel this kind of situations. He don’t want to get inside to rehab again in his life.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:30 pm September 22nd, 2015

Jessa.
You are not blowing anything out of proportion. If he is drinking all the time, lying, blacking out and expressing rage, you are 100% on point about leaving. It is not healthy and yes, more than likely things will get worse. I would propose an intervention with a specialist but if you tell him that you are leaving if things do not change, then you have to actually leave or your boundaries will mean nothing to him. Your child is so important and this does not sound healthy. I was 5 when I left with my child and it was the best thing I ever did.
Marilyn,
What can you do? What choice has he given you but to move on? He has moved on and as hard as all of this is, I think you need to do the same. Being in a relationship with an addict is isolation, because you isolate yourself with worries and concern for them. You lose yourself and it sounds like this is what has happened. It may be the hardest thing you ever do but if you could see there is another way to live and hope for you to have a happy and healthy life, you would find hope. I have been through many long years with an addict through children and marriage, my book, Hope Street, is an account of that time and I hope you can read it. I think you need to feel understood right now and find inspiration to help yourself. This is about you and you need to make new choices that get you to a better place. Do not give up…on YOU.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:31 pm September 22nd, 2015

Jessa.
You are not blowing anything out of proportion. If he is drinking all the time, lying, blacking out and expressing rage, you are 100% on point about leaving. It is not healthy and yes, more than likely things will get worse. I would propose an intervention with a specialist but if you tell him that you are leaving if things do not change, then you have to actually leave or your boundaries will mean nothing to him. Your child is so important and this does not sound healthy. I was 5 when I left with my child and it was the best thing I ever did.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

dylan
10:59 pm October 12th, 2015

thank you so much for this article. I have been in a relationship for the past 7 months with an alcoholic girlfriend who I love very much. I started going to AlAnon last week and, after a drunken argument last weekend I have decided to make No Contact with her. She has been drunk all weekend and texting me songs from YouTube suggesting that I used her for the summer for sex. Really? She totally playing the victim role, even after recently coming out of rehab she’s getting drunk and blaming everybody for her problems but herself. I feel bad for cutting her out of my life because deep down inside she’s a lovely soul. I know I have to be strong and detox from her like your article said. I feel so terrible for putting the fantasy of what she could be in front of MY NEEDS. Thanks for letting me rant. Good to know that I’m not the only one dealing with being a co-addict.

Amanda Andruzzi
3:08 pm October 13th, 2015

Dylan,
You are definitely not alone as you can see. You are doing the right thing for you and she has to go through her own process. If you were to stay she would continue to blame you and you would continue to put her needs and alcohol abuse first. It may be difficult but it will get easier in time. Keep reading and stay in al-anon. Focus on you right now. Keep us posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict

Leslie
3:00 pm October 23rd, 2015

I just found this article. I am in the situation where I just left my addict husband. I am scared. I have two children. He hates me right now. I had been on maternity leave and now am struggling to get to work to provide for my kids. I am so so scared of the unknown. Any advise?

Kristy
10:23 pm October 26th, 2015

Hello I am a co-addict and my boyfriend just recently made the decision to get help finally on his own.I am very happy that he has came to this conclusion.However I wasn’t quite ready to hear that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.He just got a good job that requires him to be gone for an extensive amount of time.So now that he is recovering his thoughts of us being together during his recovery only enhances the issues that we shared together,anger,jail,insecurities,finances etc.It sounds twisted to me that he would wait to do good and leave and I got the bad version. Should I continue to keep my arms open for him? Should we even stay friends?

Amanda Andruzzi
2:06 am October 27th, 2015

Leslie,
This is scary and you will have some difficult times ahead of you but do not give in and do not lose hope. You have your children and they have you and with some support you can make it through this rough time. I have been there. You don’t want to expose yourself any longer to an addict as I am sure you have tried everything you could to get him help or you would not be here. You are not alone. You will get through this, I did and so can you. Please keep reading the other articles here, find some support for you, a therapist or al-anon group and keep moving forward. Taking him back is really the scarier choice because what you are in for is more of the same. Please pick up my book, Hope Street, and read the other stories here to help you feel less alone and scared. I wrote the book at my darkest hours living with an addict and there is hope for you and your children.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Par
12:19 am October 30th, 2015

My daughter is an addict, she fractured her back 10 years ago and got addicted to opiates for about 6 or 7 years. She got pregnant but the pain specialist kept her on her MED’s because he said it wouldn’t be healthy for the fetus to go through withdrawal. I totally disagreed but it was her decision, she was on a fentanyl patch, vicodin and percoset all at the same time. Her son was born addicted and was put on phenobarbital to wean him off the drugs, it was around this time that she decided she wanted to get off these opiates and was put on suboxone (big mistake). This drug was worse because she was put on clonopin to help with withdrawal and her anxiety. She eventually got off the suboxone then started abusing the clonopin, she began nodding off all the time and just couldn’t function. She went to rehab after rehab and every physch hospital in are area without success. She was getting violent with me and I had her removed from my home. She was put in another phych hospital had some med changes and then went to a sober house. She stayed there for 6 months and gradually transitioned into coming home, during this time I shared custody of my grandson with his father.
I finally felt she was ready to come home but I had her following strict rules, everything was going well for about 4 weeks and then all hell broke loose. She had an appointment with her physiatrist, the same one who had been treating her for years and the same one who 4 months earlier took her off clonopin. I don’t know what went on during the appointment but he gave her a prescription of 90 clonopin, big mistake. I knew as soon as she got home something was wrong she was nodding off again so I snooped and found the pills. Immediately I told her she had to leave. She has been back at the sober house but I want nothing to do with her right now.
My question is how do I ever trust her again, do I ever let her come back home. Her son is only 4 but he is so sad mommy left him again , he is confused. I am lost, I really don’t know how to handle this. It took me almost 10 years to get this strong and I will not let her bring me down again. By the way she is not a kid either she is a grown 31 year old women who acts 16. Any advice or word of support would really be appreciated.
Thanks,
Pat

Leslie
12:23 pm November 2nd, 2015

Thank you Amanda for your response. I have not given in to him. I have stayed gone for over a month now. But I am staying at his parents house and they and his sister enable him. He had made them believe that was cheating in him . I know that this was an attempt to cover up his lies. I had been lying to his family for years about his addictions, usage of drugs and really how much he drinks. I have a really strong best friend and my mother has agreed to help me out financially so I can get out on my own with my two children. I just got rehired back at my previous employer which is a great and a blessing from god. I live with such anxiety every day thinking maybe if I had been stronger, but I know the answer. It hurts, I thought he would have fought harder to keep us together instead it did the opposite. I had even started doing some the drugs with him a few times within the past few years. I know that wasn’t me , but I thought for some reason that would bring bus together, but again all we did was fight about it. And at the end I was blamed for his addictions and blamed for his life being so messed up. It hurts how I put into this relationship. He has turned our marital home into a guy’s pad with my stuff still there. My oldest child is asking questions. She wants her old room back. But I know deep down this was the best decision. It’s hard..that’s just it it’s hard…

Amanda Andruzzi
3:31 am November 8th, 2015

Kristy,
Move on. If you were with him through all of that and he is the on who wants to leave then you really have no choice and he really did not deserve your care in the first place. This is not good for you to keep yourself open to someone who has hurt you so much and has rejected you in his sobriety. The other thing is that he really needs to focus on him and his recovery right now and I think it would be a good idea for you to do that also.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:44 am November 8th, 2015

Par,
I always say that having an addicted child is nothing like having spouse who is an addict. Watching a child you raised and love is the most difficult thing. You cannot get over them and you cannot stop loving them. But you can stop enabling them and it sounds like that is what you did. You need to stay strong now for your grandson and be there for him so he feels loved and supported. He needs stability. As for your daughter, it does not sound like she really wanted to stop using and that there may be some serious underlying mental health issues that have not been dealt with properly. It must be understood why she uses, what is she trying to avoid or what symptoms is she trying to suppress. There are non-narcotic medications that can help her deal with her anxiety and other issues that she can take to become stable. But being 31 years old, there is not much you can do but tell her you love her and that you will be there for her when she is in recovery but that you cannot subject yourself or her son to this anymore. You will not watch her do this anymore. If she finds the right therapy and recovery program and goes willingly there is a better chance she will stay in recovery but maintenance is key. An addict can never forget they are an addict and have to work at sobriety each day, one day at a time. Keep me posted. You are in my prayers.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Renate
12:12 am November 11th, 2015

I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. I am married to an alcoholic. As I write this I am making a plan to leave. I am sick and tired of the fights, broken promises, windows, and funny that my things end up thrown out of broken. I am surprised I haven’t lost my job ( I am a health care

Thanks to all for your stories. I thank you for giving me the strength to leave. That my life will be better. I am sick and tired of the “alcoholic” crazy life.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:17 am November 14th, 2015

Renate,
Thank you for sharing with us. We are here to help eachother and I am so glad all of our stories serve a very important purpose. Keep planning and keep us posted.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Helen
3:00 am November 17th, 2015

I live in a country where addiction centers or help is very limited. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. His alcohol and drug use has been on and off these years with always the same promises that he will never do it again. I finally realize that this will not end or at least not as long as he realizes that he has a problem and that he needs help. I move out a few weeks ago and told him that as long as he doesn’t seek help or enters a rehab I will no longer be in contact with him or go back. It has been very hard for me and at times I feel very guilty even though I know that I am not the one to be blamed. As for him I don’t see him wanting to go to rehab or seek help. At times he seems depressed and say he will and that he loves me and that he will go to rehab if I go back. But I don’t trust or believe in him anymore and I know that as long as he doesn’t seek for help the cycle of using will continue. I has been drinking a lo more than usual and I really would appreciate some advice or suggestions. I feel very sad and helpless. I love him very much and don’t want anything bad to happen. I want him clean and healthy but there is so much I can do and so much he is willing to do.

mandy
11:34 am November 17th, 2015

Amanda everything I have read relates to myself ie alcohol the alcoholic., I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 8 years and it’s been hell, he is still married, his wife has been kind and yet attacked me verbally, saying why did I let him get so bad “is if to say it’s my fault ” plus other family issues ie his daughter his friends attacking me . Well I finally got him in rehab after suffering a stroke then another mini episode on the way to rehab , by his time I was having a mental break down my story is endless. So let’s get to my point , plus I have a daughter whom had to help me get him to bed extra and cover up and lie just like me as he is a business man and is still in business with his wife and now his daughter is in business such a disfunctional family I feel like a complete head case I don’t understand why no cut off or moving forward extra , any way down
Date 16th November 2015 myself and my daughter of 20yrs left his house I haven’t told him or anyone nor called the rehab , I am sick to my stomach I couldn’t face telling him nor his wife but I have to save myself and daughter es I would get reeled in again for the 6 or seventh time , I am a nervous wreck but I am fortunate to have my own home and spent my first night last night here . He is dicharged 18th November 2015 but I don’t want to be in his life nor this family situation he has it is abnormal to me, I don’t want to be a Co addicted I have no energy my mental state is one of break down and I have now took it upon myself to speak to a counsellor as I am in chaotic mode at present scared frightened and fear of what everyone one will think but I had to save myself and my daughter. Guilt yes but I feel free also . Did I do the right thing ? Help please I am in termiol with the way I left but I had no choice , my story is long and don’t have the space he drank every day secretly and openly even out of a bottle and I found empties extra so 7 days a week 365 days a year for well over 30 years he has drank his age 64yr . I can’t cope any longer Mr booze as bing Crosby wrote a song about the desease is evil it effect 6th all and I drink bit due to epilepsy my I drink wine no spirits and social only I now hate the the stuff.

Candice
12:12 pm November 17th, 2015

Hi I am a co-addict and left my addict 9 months ago with our 5 yr old son. Looking backbif I had stayed my son would not have been the confident happy boy hebisbright now. I lived with my addict for 7 years and just a week ago I was struck with genuine laughter which I didn’t think I was capable of. It was the best choice I made. And guess what my addict is still an addict. Only I don’t have to be subjected to the abuse, nights he stays out and the abuse of course of which I was sick of. Thank u addiction blog for help in opening my eyes.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:24 pm November 17th, 2015

Helen and Mandy,
Thank you for sharing your stories with us. I empathize with how hard this is but you both made the right decision to leave. You are not at fault for their addiction nor can you be the one to change that person. The person you love is only part of the person you see now. He is an addict and that is a big part of who they really are. Every addict has a choice to be an addict that uses or an addict in recovery. I assure you that you cannot have a healthy relationship with an addict who is using. You are saving yourself and that is all you have the power to do. Now is the time to let go and focus on yourself. This takes time and energy so know that this process is not always easy but getting help and support is key. You do not have to do this alone.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Jen
7:58 pm November 21st, 2015

Thank you very much everyone, Amanda, first for this article, and readers, for your inspiring comments. It is empowering to realize how familiar my situation is as I relate to the heart wrenching choice of staying (and enabling), or pushing into that fear of unknown and leaving to allow life to go on for growth. I suppose the higher beings have helped me in my path with my addict boyfriend, as we have been together for 5 months, but because I am a single mother and had to move in with my parents for finishing my degree, my boyfriend and I didn’t progress to moving in together. I fell in love with the guy who had his $%^& together, and one month ago he relapsed and disappeared for 4 days. I know I can’t fix or change him, he knows he needs help and I feel like he’s so close, but last night was the last straw, as he tells me loves me in the morning, asks for chunk change while I’m studying, then disappears with his druggie friends. I cannot believe one thing i truth that comes out of his mouth now, the broken promises and lies will continue to cycle around. And the pain of worrying if he’s ok, hiding behind his phone as he receives my calls and txts but doesn’t reply because he will later explain, “thats not actually me replying”. He seems to have a sense of entitlement to his addiction to crack, and is now blaming everyone around him. I don’t deserve to be yelled a when he rages over the fact I reached out to his family and friends for help when he’s disappeared, asking if treatment has worked in the past. Sad because his family has given up, and no one trusts him anymore. I have been hurt enough, and I am not enabling his behaviours any longer, as it inhibits me from being me. I have to regain my integrity and love myself by leaving him, as much as I love him he is lying when he says he loves me, clearly, because his chemical brain imbalance favours the drug connection over the connection of an intimate human relationship. I woke up this morning realizing how much Ive been lied to, and thank you all for listening. Time to refocus all my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical energy to my health, my son and finishing my degree, healthy people who respect and love me will follow suit. have a great day everyone. Be strong and Move on!!! xo

Amanda Andruzzi
5:06 pm November 24th, 2015

Jen,
Thank you for sharing that with us, your last sentiments are exactly right. You deserve to be happy and feel content in a relationship and in your life and especially as a mother. It is hard because an addict has ways to draw you back in and that is why we are all here. But you need to move on and I am glad that is clear, just make sure you set yourself up with the support you need to heal and stay on the right track and to not get sucked back into that vicious addictive cycle.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sara
1:16 am November 30th, 2015

I am definitely a co-addict and codependent. I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I am currently in a relationship with a drug addict. He has been trying to get clean for 11 months with not much avail. He is in jail today because he slapped me while intoxicated. I have a pfa with an eviction notice in it. I know I have to move on. But is it too soon, is this just his rock bottom now? What if I am moving on too soon. This is his first time to have any consequence to his actions. Could this be his reality check into sobriety? He has never hit me before so this has been the worse it’s ever been.

James
1:58 pm November 30th, 2015

Thank you for sharing. Eight years ago I would have never believed that the person I married would become a gambling addict. Once I started to see the signs three – four years ago, I still didn’t now these were the signs of a huge problem to come. We have a 12 year old son together and I’ve been a enabler with her addiction, I pay the mortgage, 1 1/2 car notes, the insurances & usually cover our vacations every year. She handles the smaller bills at the house. But I finally saw changes in her moods, saw signs of needing money, notices from local loan programs coming in the mail. Then there would be days when she would go to the casion for 6-12 hours at a time. I’ve tried to get her to go to GA meetings, I’ve left home with our son even to get away from the lies & games she plays. She would leave home saying she was going to work but be at the casion all day. Yes I’ve stayed because of our child but I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t even look her in her eyes & believe anything she says to me. I keep hoping she will change but from reading these post, it’s me that needs to change for me & my son. It’s the not knowing of what will happen to him is the part I fear the most. Men don’t usually win in divorce situation or even custody but I can’t go on living with a gambler & lier everyday.

Karla
4:02 am December 8th, 2015

Wow, I felt like I wanted to read about what I am facing in this moment, and I was wondering if there was a name for what I was feeling and still feeling. I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago and Its sucks the way I feel about him. I think about him, if he is okay, if he is trying to quit drinking as he told me he was.. I wanted to texted him so bad minutes ago, ask him if he is ok, how he feels. I read this and I’m in shock, I am not in love, I guess I am a co-addict! Omg great article. Thank you. Now I now how to search for more help and overcome this addiction.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:21 pm December 8th, 2015

Sara, James, & Karla,

Please click on my name in this article and well over 30 articles are here as a free resource. This is about you Sara more than you know. You are reliving your childhood and trying to make it right. I think therapy would really help you. James, I really think you are realizing that separating yourself is the only way you will save yourself and your son. When someone refuses help you can still love them but let them go and do it from a distance. Kara, you came to a great realization and I would keep exploring that road, you need to be healthy and when you are, this relationship won’t seem so attractive to you anymore.
We, as co-addicts become so used to the drama and that becomes our addiction, we need to know the status of the addict, help them, try to control them y til the point where we are falling apart and realize nothing we have done has helped them. Enabling only makes it easier for them to use and makes us sick. Please pick up Hope Street, it is my memoir on co-addiction. I wrote it at my darkest time lmarried to an addict. I wrote it for me and then realized how much it could help others struggling in this situation. Keep me posted. I am here to help. V
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Jc
2:33 am December 12th, 2015

my bf just came out of reehab. hes been 40 days sober.he did consume today.hes the best men ever went hes sober and i feel bad to kick him out of my place .hes got no where to go and will be sleeping outside in winter.iam i a bad person? i told him b4 i went to work the rules r if u drink u cant stay.my roomate call me at work and it cause me to stress over him being outside.i only get home in 2 days
Plz iam so confuse.thx

Amanda Andruzzi
7:20 pm December 12th, 2015

JC,

If you have boundaries and he breaks them and he doesn’t have to face the consequences what are you telling him?
You have given him chances, instead of drinking he could have gone to a meeting right? He made a choice and you are not responsible for anyone’s actions and that doesn’t make you a bad person.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/v

Kirsten
4:08 am December 14th, 2015

I just told my boyfriend of 1 year and a half that he has to leave. He’s on methadone for an opiate addiction. and was tapering That seemed to work and he was doing really well tapering and was down to 40 mgs from 120. Needless to say some major stressers hit in August and he went on a month of binges, lost his job, started smoking Crack and just went massively down hill. Found out most of our money went to that, stole my debit cards and I started having to hide them. He had about a month of doing OK by that point I could see through triggers, knew when he demanded money what It would go to. And I didn’t see any of that. The last two weeks not so much. He relapsed twice and that was just it for me. I have a 6 year old daughter that I had to think of. I couldn’t keep worrying about him. I’m not his keeper or mother but I felt like it. I lost my dad last month and then add all of this it’s just too much to take. It breaks my heart that I have to do this and I love him still so much but it needed to be done. I wish I had the strength to do this a few months ago. I fell into the trap of believing when he said this was the last time. I feel so lost and broken. Hope this pain stops soon

WARREN
4:18 am December 14th, 2015

Dear Bottle,

You have been my wife’s main lover for many years now. No matter who else may be in her life at the time, you have always been first and foremost. You have comforted her, taken away her sorrows, pain and given her everything no other could give her.

She has sacrificed others for you, never forsaking you even if they begged her to. She has been faithful to you for you are everything to her. You are her one true lover. You two have done it sitting, standing, and laying down and in every other possible position imaginable. You both have done it in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, dining room, laundry room, living room, car and a bunch of other places. You both have done it all night, in the morning, afternoon and even all day. You satisfy her so much that she has to pass out when she’s done with you.

Even though she often has to hide this relationship from others, she still finds time to indulge herself in the pleasures you give her. Im sure she’s sorry that she has to hide you in the closets, clothes hamper, under boxes and other such places.

She doesn’t want to jeopardize you being found out and removed from availability to her. She must protect you at all costs even if it means the loss of anyone she is living with, dating or married to, you are everything to her and she can’t give you up.

When your not with her or unavailable due to others being around, she craves you and thinks about when she can be together with you again constantly. You are always in her thoughts, always her desires and dreams.

She may have to make yet another choice very soon. I am telling her that your are no good for her and that you are hurting our relationship and the relationship of her family. I’m telling her that I will end the relationship for good if you and her continue this love affair. I’m also telling her that she must seek help again to get away from you because you are a problem.

I know this will be an issue because your the only one who understands her. Even if I end it, she will always have you by her side. I guess me or anyone else can’t fully understand what you mean to her. She would simply perish without you. You are the one true love of her life and even if it means her being alone again, she’ll deal with it. She will never leave you as all the others have left her in her life. She loves you and needs you with every fibre of her being. I’m sure she waits for the next time you both can be alone again….I fear she will be yours forever and my pain knowing this is unimaginable. I wish she loved me the way she loves you. I want you to leave my wife alone. Go ruin someone else’s life as you’ve been known to do time and time again . My wife is the sweetest, most loving and caring person when she is not with you. I miss my wife very much and I want her back so please give her back to me. Thank you.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:46 pm December 14th, 2015

Kirsten & Warren,

Thank you for sharing your stories here. I know you were both in a lot of pain. Addiction hurts everyone not just the addict and that is clear in both of your cases. I truly hope that you both find peace regardless of what the addict is doing. It is possible but you have to make a choice and it is a hard choice. Kirsten, you made the right decision. No one should have to see someone they love make the choice to use drugs and destroy themselves time and time again. Warren, I hope you find the strength to confront your wife once and for all and are able to move on regardless of her decision. none of this is easy I know but there is a bright future ahead of you if only you are aware to see it.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/v

Katy
4:50 pm December 15th, 2015

Hi, I wrote a good few months back regarding my partner of now 6 years and his cocaine problem. It was never a daily, weekly thing sometimes it would be every few weeks or whatever but he would mostly be at it when I was working an evening shift and he was at home. The last 7 months have been good. He’s stopped using. The only thing I can say is sometimes when we go on a rare night out together, if he had one drink too many he can become angry and quite hostile towards me. Those times I can’t wait to get home and let him sleep it off. Because of this I rarely enjoy nights out that involve drinking with him anymore. Day to day he is a good partner, works hard, provides for me and my 7 year old son. He’s a lovely person In general, but also has his dark sides too. He has dealt with his mum having cancer in resent years and his dad attempting suicide. Iv always remained by his side, tho when the drugs were bad iv booted him back to his parents and then eventually when he promises he will change iv let him back. My reason for writing today is I just don’t seem to be able to get over things from the past. He’s not used in 7 months, seems to be doing great, looks better, seems happier. But every time I go to work of an evening my stomach churns, it’s like I’m waiting for the day I catch him again. Drugs arnt mentioned between us anymore. I find that’s helped him a lot, and although I’m happy he’s staying away from it I feel whenever I have to be apart from him I worry, even tho iv been coming home from work and he’s perfectly fine! I missed my works Christmas night out the other day because in my head I think if he thinks I’m out he may be tempted to do something knowing I’m out for the night and I wouldn’t leave that to chance with my son in bed in his care. I told him it was money as its so close to Christmas and short on money. I felt a bit rubbish knowing I’d probably missed a nice evening. I just don’t seem to have a life outside of him.. He’s the same we just choose to do things together…which we both like it that way but at the same time I wish I could feel comfortable on the rare occasion a night with colleagues or whatever comes up, that I could enjoy it without the worry or feeling the need to ring him all the time, or leave a night out early to get home? I feel like it’s all me… He’s been doing what he said he would but I don’t seem to be able to put it in the past and I’m always waiting for it to happen again. In work I finish at 10pm. He gets home at 5pm, once I speak to him around 8pm and he sounds fine/normal (I could always tell on the phone if he was using) I begin to relax then into my shift knowing he wouldn’t do it that late knowing id be home shortly. It’s mind games with myself. I probably sound completely crazy don’t I? I’m just wondering will the panic ever go away?

Amanda Andruzzi
9:22 pm December 15th, 2015

Katy,
You may always have that fear inside of you, especially when he is not in a recovery program and there is no mention of his addiction. You have been through a lot and it is not always easy to just forgive and forget. I think you really need to work through some of these issues with him and also by yourself. You cannot babysit him and he will use drugs regardless of if you stay with him every minute of the day if he wants to use. You need to live your life free of feeling like everything can fall apart at any given moment. To do that I would seek a therapist who specializes in addiction and cognitive behavioral therapy to help you work through your feelings and also couples counseling might be helpful for both of you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/v

Rj
12:00 am December 16th, 2015

I have been seeing an addict for a couple of years. When we first met he was very upfront with me that he was recovering alcoholic, drug abuser and he had BPD. He was very nice to me at first always considerate and concerned about me and my feelings. But then the script flipped. And he became more and more self centered, manipulating, and controlling. I also noticed he was disappearing a lot. Since we dont live in the same houshold. I would fall for the excuse oh I fell asleep I’m a really heavy sleeper. He would sometimes disappear for days. But he never let me see him in any altered state. Or maybe in hindsight since I wasn’t familiar with the signs I didn’t recognize that he was high, or drunk…fast forward, with rehabs, mental institutions, homelessness, etc…I’m feeling like I’ve had more than enough. He says I’m not supportive, that he is sick, and he said I’m messed up in the head and I don’t support him (he’s currently in rehab once again). I have really suffered in silence because everybody I know says that I should never have gotten in ol ed with him in the first place. And I recognize that mistake. A part of me wants to help him with his rehab but I know the truth. If I help him once again in a couple of months we will be here again. He says he wants help. But he only wants help when he’s gone too far. I cannot do this anymore, but I cannot shake the guilt of leaving him alone (his family & friends will not have anything to do with him). And it bothers me that he is alone. But I have to separate from this madness.

TLS
7:55 pm December 16th, 2015

Thank you for the blog. I haven’t read every entry but do appreciate you keeping this going. Addiction is so insidious and unfortunately blind sided me. My fiance has had an amazing ability to hide his alcohol addiction from me for a couple years. I was very open in the beginning about not wanted to be involved with an alcoholic, mentioning this when I saw some red flags (including his anger). His x-wife was mentally ill so a lot could be attributed to his conditioning from that relationship., I bought it all, hook line and sinker. Never being involved with an alcoholic before I wasn’t prepared for the quicksand that would pull me in.
Fast forward as he has cut back the drinking,his verbal abuse has escalated. He is high functioning so maintains his job and can be so convincing that “he can handle it” or “he can quit on his own”. He has gone through an out patient treatment and drank through the entire thing. Convincing them all he wasn’t drinking. There have been so many lies about his drinking that I don’t believe him even if he was telling the truth.
His children (all grown) are all mentally very unhealthy and 50% I believe to be addicts. They have all lied and 2 have stolen from me.
Until I met this family, I have never ever experienced people like this. Why now? My friendships, neighbors and community are so very caring. This family feels like something out of a bad movie. I have tried to distance myself from his children as I wouldn’t be building a life with them but they are an extension of him. And to a degree a reflection of him.
I have started a business and it doesn’t support me yet, am 55 and am worried about supporting myself. We had plans of getting married, buying a cabin and are within a few weeks of getting the cabin.
Why do I stay? Good question, as on paper it seems so obvious why I should run for the hills. He has been financially supporting me. I grew up with him and there is a lot of history, and I have not ever been a fair weather friend. I have recently told him that I can not do this anymore and that he has to stop drinking and get support with that process or we can’t be together. He has said that if he had to get another place before the cabin, he wouldn’t qualify for the loan. My worry is that I am going through all of this, he’ll get the cabin and then start drinking again as there wouldn’t be anything to lose (except me). I am also worried (lots of worrying going on) that by my participation in this relationship I am making it easier for him to continue drinking. He has done a lot for me in fixing my home and supporting me and has also had a place to be while rebuilding his life. Maybe he would have hit bottom quicker had he been kicked out years ago.
I have benefited from this relationship, but the abuse and living on the edge of volatility has taken a great toll.
Am I near the finish line that he has finally made a goal to not drink or am I continuing to fool myself in believing and placing hope in an alcoholic. (I hear how ridiculous this question sounds)
Thanks for listening

Robin
11:27 pm December 16th, 2015

I wanted to write again. I wrote almost a year ago, and I get notices still when new people leave comments. I wanted to share a little hope. I know I used to look for hope on these boards, so maybe I can offer some. My husband, since my last post, was arrested for 2 DUI’s and I was forced to call the police on him over the 4th of July. He went to jail for disturbing the peace and criminal damage (domestic violence charges) while his 2 kids from his previous marriage were visiting. I kicked him out and we separated for several months. Now for the hope… He has not touched a drop of alcohol since. It amazes me how much that took. While I know its too premature to celebrate, I have the man I fell in love with back on a full time basis. He is not angry about not drinking, he is not bitter. He loves pie and ice cream and diet soda. But not whiskey. He has been going to both court ordered and voluntary treatment with an addiction counselor, whom he likes, and I see as well. It took a lot of strength and a lot of fed upness to call the police on him, but I had it. Just like an addict will have their breaking point, so will we. I should have had the strength to do it a long time before I did. I did not separate from him to get him to stop drinking. I did not kick him out with the intention of staying with him. I did those things for me and me alone. And it felt great. And I have watched him handle his struggles with grace, remorse, hope, and a calmness I wasn’t expecting. He seems at peace, not only with himself, but with his past. And my life has peace. And I am eternally grateful. I hope it lasts forever. And if it doesn’t, I did everything right. And I have no regrets. And I now know I have the strength and the self worth to do what is best for ME and for my son. And I will never go through what we went through the last 3 years. And my husband knows that. Merry Christmas to everyone. Don’t ever give up on the one who is most important. That is you. Not your addict. You are stronger than you think, and don’t be afraid to tell those who love you that you need them and why. They will rally around you and make you stronger. And maybe, just maybe, your partner will sober up. And maybe they won’t. But either way, do not wait to do what you need to do and let the cards fall where they may. You will be happier without the addict in your life. My husband is still here, but the addict, at this moment, is not.

Amanda Andruzzi
12:59 am December 17th, 2015

RJ,
I can’t tell you how to feel but guilty should not be the emotion that comes to mind. I know, I have felt guilt about leaving my ex because I was afraid I was the only reason he was not dead from his addiction. I could not control him no more than you can your addict and the best thing we can do is let them go and allow them to take care of themselves because the more we take care of them, the easier it is for them to use. You are not responsible for him and you have done all that you can, you have helped him inspite of how it has hurt you and when you can’t do it anymore, you have the right to let go, without guilt. Just because you love someone does not mean that you need to accept their addiction, in fact, it is quite the opposite, you cannot have a healthy relationship with an active addict. You deserve to be happy.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
1:04 am December 17th, 2015

Robin,
Thank you for sharing again with us. I appreciate when people give us updates.
Don’t forget to take care of you!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:43 am December 17th, 2015

TLS,
On paper, yes, it does not sound good but what I am really getting from your post is that you have some issues that you need to sort out before you make any changes. You need to find self-love and gain independence so that you feel that if you want to leave, that you can. This does not have to happen overnight, this can take time and that is okay. I think you should allow him to do what he is going to do while you work on yourself, your business and finances. If you feel like you are not stuck then you might be able to take the leap it looks like you are leaning towards. You don’t have to put your faith in an alcoholic, you can put your faith in yourself.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Liz
6:02 am January 4th, 2016

I have been with my gf for almost 4 years. I have told her from the beginning that her behavior when she is drunk is not only intolerable but even scary sometimes.

She doesn’t get drunk daily, but she does drink every night. she gets up and goes to work every day, and can be so wonderful when she is sober unless she is trying not to drink. so sometimes I think that I’m just being too hard on her.

About once a week, she drinks to the point where she doesn’t make sense and doesn’t remember. We don’t live together yet. My biggest fear is moving in with her then feeling trapped if her drinking spirals out of control.

Any thoughts or guidance? Coulf you consider her a full blown alcoholic? Are there levels of severity? Signs that I can look for that are positive or negative signs?

Amanda Andruzzi
3:27 pm January 4th, 2016

Liz,
These are some really big warning signs. I would consider her behavior alcoholic behavior. If she drinks every day, is upset when trying not to drink and dri ls to the point of oblivion, then yes this is on the alcoholic spectrum. She may be a functional alcoholic, which is definite common but if it bothers you to be with someone who is preoccupied and addicted to a substance then you need to confront her. I would try am intervention and let her know you will not tolerate her drinking. The issue here is that most times they tell you they will cut back, and they can for a while but because they have an addiction, they just keep going back and forth making false promises. I suggest you read up on alcoholism so you are aware of what you are dealing with. An addict usually won’t be ready for recovery until they are ready and not because of the urging of loved ones, that usually ends where the addict starts to hide their drinking instead.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amber
1:56 am January 14th, 2016

Amanda,

I’m in a bad situation. 16 years married with a 13 year old son…my husband has a drinking problem but will not admit it. He even quit drinking on his own for 7 months (quit hard liquor not beer) and that’s part of my problem. I start thinking I’m overreacting to the drinking part as of course my husband points out he can quit anytime so he doesn’t need help. Everything is my fault. He is emotionally abusive at times and I will admit that I have yelled back and gotten emotional myself. I am starting to envision a life without this rollarcoaster but I’m terrified. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m causing some of the problem and if I change it, we could work through this? My husband has done a lot of his abuse toward me in front of our son and he talks down to our son a lot as well. I know it’s affecting our son but I also believe that my husband will fight to the death to hurt my relationship with our son (whether I leave or stay really, but might be worse if I leave). I know this sounds so all over the map and I apologize. I’m just so confused. I’m spiritual and have been praying hard and reading scriptures lately. I feel like I’m getting stronger in taking steps to draw boundaries on what behavior I will and will not accept from my husband. But trying to set boundaries, it’s like my husband just pummels right through them. Tonight I told him to stop talking down to me and he told me “make me” and basically was like what are you going to do about it? I don’t deserve this behavior but I’m so scared I can’t see straight. I have the money to leave. I dont have a lot of support but I’ve been contacting people lately and just found a new therapist who is understanding of addiction and emotional abuse. So I’m holding onto hope I can do something about all this before it’s too late. Thank you for listening.

Terri
7:40 pm January 14th, 2016

We need help!! We have a son who is 41! He is destroying our family!! His opioids addiction has cost us thousands of dollars!! We have paid for bad checks, theft of guns,jewelry,etc from family and friends! Baird him out of jail!! He has destroyed several relationships with women and has 2 daughters!! He has even stolen things from the children to pawn! He has been in treatment and says he wants to get right, but always goes back!! I can’t live like this anymore!! My husband and I have a great marriage and have been very blessed with good jobs that we have been able to save our money.but we are retired now and this last time we bailed out son out of jail and brought him to our home he stole my credit card and jewelry from our home!! This has to stop, but I don’t know how!! Our lives are on hold and we live in fear of our son killing himself!! Please help!! This has been going on for many years now!! Over 20!! He never learns!! My pastor told us he may never learn, but my husband can’t accept that!!! We have even postponed all our plans because of this!! I feel trapped and don’t know what to do!! It is even causing trouble between my husband and I!!

Donna
1:19 pm January 15th, 2016

I have sat and read through these messages for the last couple of hours. I too am very confused. My husband -6yrs married, 10year together is a functioning alcoholic and addicted to weed. We have 3 young kids together. He is not abusive at all. However he can not go a day without beer or pot. I am frustrated with the fact that he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour. I am ready to leave-I think but I am scared to. I keep thinking am I over reacting, there could be a lot worse things but at the end of the day I am really concerned with the example he is setting for our kids. He makes promises to cut back but it doesn’t last long. I only hope I can get Myself in the right frame of mind to do what’s best for the kids and me!!

Amanda Andruzzi
3:03 pm January 15th, 2016

Amber,

Don’t apologize, none of this is easy, if it were the site wouldn’t exist. You are not wrong or crazy for wanting to be happy and be with someone who treats you well and with whom you can have a loving, respectful and trusting relationship with. You also want your son to have a good example of what it’s like to be in a happy marriage and have a loving mother and father. This is obviously affecting both of you and it is important for both of you to be able to live in a safe space. You will get stronger and finding a therapist who specializes in addiction will help you. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and you will realize that you are strong enough to get what you want out of your life. If your husband wants to continue abusing alcohol then you have the right to walk away. If your husband continues to be abusive to youYou have the right to say no. You can make this change but it starts with taking care of yourself and knowing that you were good enough to deserve a better life.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:08 pm January 15th, 2016

Donna,
He may not be abusive or treat you or your children badly but if you have a problem with this example for your children and with your relationship with your husband then you can do something about it. You have the right to be happy and in a relationship you need to tell your partner that you are not happy and and be able to have open dialogue for change. I would start by setting boundaries with him, some couples therapy, and asking him to make these changes for your family. If he breaks the boundaries then you have to follow through with what you said you would do if he did. Don’t give up.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Donna
12:05 am January 16th, 2016

Thanks for your reply Amanda. We have been in couples therapy for about 6 months. It helped for a while but I found he just kept saying/doing what I wanted to hear then would slip back into bad habits. I really think I’m in denial and need to walk about to give him the Chance to prove that he does want to change for himself and his family not because I keep telling him he has to!!! Thanks for your advice and for this blog

laura
5:32 am January 16th, 2016

Hi,my name is laura,i have lived with my alocholic,pain pill addic boyfriend for 8 years now, and i know its time to leave,but i have the fear of not being able to make it on my own, and i feel its my fault sometimes to why he drinks so much,if i was a better person,or made sure i did what he wanted the right way, but the love,trust,and mostly respect is gone,he has said the most hateful things to me,he has called me every name you can think of many,many,times.he has gave me black eyes,spit in my face,but its always my fault cuz i provoke him,and used to be after the fight i would always say i was sorry for provoking him to hit me,but after the last 3 years of abuse,and living in hell,i want to leave,but im scared
Mostly of not making enough money to subport myself, and the WHAT IF’ S,????? Thanks

Amanda Andruzzi
9:44 pm January 17th, 2016

Donna,
An addict will say what you want to hear but rarely follow up with action which is why we need to see changes not just hear about them. You are at a crossroads and so you have to give him a boundary and stick to it but make sure you are prepared to do that. You need to get strong and realize what you are doing now is for the greater good, it may hurt but it might actually turn out even better.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
9:57 pm January 17th, 2016

Laura,
Please seek help immediately, I know emotional abuse is absolutely awful and it sounds like this is beyond that, but the physical abuse is even more serious. You are worth so much more than this and if you feel you cannot leave then ask for help from friends, family and make sure you secure enough money to leave as soon as you can. You don’t deserve this, none of this do and there is always the risk of physical abuse, which seems easier than the emotional, but the physical can kill you. Please let me know what I can do to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Renate
1:07 am January 27th, 2016

Amanda,
I wrote to you sometimes back I November that I was in the process of making a plan to leave my spice and alcoholic husband. I Did it!!! I walked through that dark closet and into the light. As life sometimes goes with an alcoholic things spiraled out of control. Trying to I believe kill me not once but twice. My car has an dent, but that is fixable,
Soooo. This is to everyone who wants to leave but just isn’t there yet. You will be. Scary sure but just remember through that dark closet is calm, peace, and a life the way you want. Crazy as this sounds you can actually stroll through the grocery store! ? If this 51 year old can swallow alot of pride, ask for little help, temporarily leave friends and a job I loved so can you. Don’t they deserve to see the real you??? Don’t you deserve the real you. A great life awaits!!!!!

Cathy
7:25 pm January 28th, 2016

What if your income can not afford a place to live and the bills to support you with your dependents. I have made a lot of progress to become financially independent , I went from a profession that earned very very little 1200 a month-teaching pre school (prior to his dependency when he made very very good money) -to starting my own dog walking co. making double in the same amount of time -I just can’t find housing low enough to cover all the expenses on my own. Eviction has been a pattern as the addict continues to make less lose our assets create more debt and take time off to detox and recover only to relapse again. I do see a cycle of more time in sobriety and a quicker process to get back to his program and get off the pills -but I know I still need to be able to take care of myself our son dog and help our young adult daughter from time to time by myself in the event he can not provide anything ….that is my main focus -it just takes time to increase my income that much we do not have any family close or that I can move in with and I make too much to qualify for government help with housing when I did qualify I just sat on a list!!!
I’m in the middle ground now trying to gain the health tools, skills and confidence to increase my business and income : I am seeing more and more opportunity and letting that motivate me and place my energy there rather then on what the addict is doing especially now that he is doing a bit better and the environment is safe and calmer he is-working taking a bus having a better attitude and more follow through.
When is behavior was erratic became unsafe and posed a danger I faced that fear and kicked him out -that led him to rehab and a period of sobriety before this last relapse. He appears to be on the right track again but since I do to trust him I never know for sure -I don’t check up on him anymore or demand daily tests -we do have an agreement that if I ask him to take one and he refuses its considered a fail and if he fails he has to leave -unless its just a slip that he confesses up to first and is working his recovery -it’s been helping tremendously!!!!
Any feed back is much appreciated -I really hate hate enabling -It is fear for sure fear of homelessness -I know from being a human development major -that enabling is spewing everyone’s good!

Amanda Andruzzi
1:26 am January 29th, 2016

Renate,
I am sooooo excited for you. It is scary but I try to tell people how great it can be on the the side. Thank you so much for sharing because every success story is more inspiration no proof that there is another way. Congratulations! Keep us posted.
Amanda

Amanda Andruzzi
2:13 am January 29th, 2016

Cathy,
You have to do what your situation allows so if it takes time then that is okay as long as it’s safe for all of you. You can only handle one thing at a time and you are making great strides so moving in the right direction is better than making no progress. You are making progress and focusing on you and that is all you can do.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/
RenateWEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27TH, 2016

Carol
6:10 am February 2nd, 2016

I’m not sure where to start. I have been through severe emotional and verbal abuse from an alcoholic boyfriend. We live together. He I believe at the very least has borderline personality disorder and I often wondered to myself what is wrong with me that I stayed and still loved him. The other side is very affectionate and he is very good at showing love and that part was the part that was missing from my previous relationships. Iam 45 years old and have never been in anything close to this crazy abuse. I want to get to the point because I could write a book about everything that has happened he also has been physical. Something finally has changed in my heart. This past year I really feel like iam being used for a place to stay since he has no job. And his son is now living with us going to school. I really believe he manipulated that because if I kick them out now and it is February his son will flunk his freshman year. That is the first point. Then of course they will be homeless. I need advice because I finally in my heart see him for the man he is and I want nothing more to move on it has taken me 6 years to get over him in my heart. My second problem is he got a small inheritance from his father he quit drinking for a week and bought a car. He put it in his name because he has no dL. He does not care if he breaks the law he does what he wants. I have to get a new title to the car and see if he will sign it. If he is drunk and out of control. I don’t think he will. That car is keeping me a prisoner in this relationship. I did not realize he conned me. I just want the car out of my name. If I can have some suggestions on these two things I would greatly appreciate. I feel like my heart is freer then it ever has been but now I’m stuck. I have left so many times but I was so in love or so I thought I want my life back. I know I probably need some therapy but I will be who I was before him again. Smarter. I meant to say he bought the car but put it in my name. Thank you

Amanda Andruzzi
4:09 pm February 8th, 2016

Carol,
Have you read Hope Street? Everything was in my name and my ex husband left me with nothing and disappeared. I was left holding the bag with our daughter. I did it and a car should not stop you, in fact, it is in his best interest to put it in his name because it is yours right now. Also, I understand about the son and I really believe that you should try to at least work out something for him, not that it is your responsibility, but a child should not have to suffer for the sins of his father. In fact, he can leave and the child can finish the year with you or you can make other arrangements for him with another family member. The point is, that you finally came to the point that you want your life back, it took me 12 years and I don’t want you to waste 6 more of your life, that is why this blog is here. You can do this, therapy, all-anon, try anything to give you the strength and support you need to get out of this. Nothing is final or permanent, this situation is not going to last, you will change it.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Kathy
12:52 pm February 10th, 2016

I feel like I’m not worthy to post because I haven’t endured half of what others have but I need help and I don’t have anyone else to turn to. I got into a relationship with my ‘now husband’ after a bad breakup. I needed a distraction from my heartbreak and he was fun and always wanted to go out and do something which was the distraction I needed. A few months into our relationship I had a major falling out with my dad and moved in with him which was the biggest mistake of my life. I then realized how much he drank and how often and it immediately became an issue. I wasn’t 21 yet so I never drank but he would make me come with him and sit in the bar for hours while he drank and ignored me. Our record was 7 hours in a bar in one night and we were always the last ones out with him ordering extra drinks at last call. He was constantly drinking at home and blacking out several times a week. Whenever that happened he would pee and vomit in kitchen drawers, the trash cans and on the floor. I tried many times to break up with him but he always convinced me that I was crazy and my reasoning wasn’t valid. Even when I did manage to break up with him for a few days at a time he would get even more drunk those nights and wake me up at all hours of the night to talk and tell me why I was stupid and accuse me of sleeping with other men. Once he got so mad that he grabbed my phone and snapped it in half and physically prevented me from leaving the house. Fortunately, he was drunk and got distracted and I was able to slip out and sleep in my car in the nearby Wal-Mart parking lot. It got better though! He got a dui and began going through the program and doing the community service and he cut back on the drinking which made me believe there was hope! We transferred to the same college so we could continue living together and then it started happening again. Not half as bad as before so when I would try and talk to him about it or complain he would say that he couldn’t please me because he had improved and I still wasn’t happy. This made me feel horrible and so I would just shut my mouth and let it continue. Then we went on a trip. We spent 3 days up in the mountains as our first big trip with his two kids (age 4 & 6 at the time). The first night we were there he had a few drinks and we put the kids to bed and then he grabbed my car keys and ran out of the room. I couldn’t leave the kids alone and he didn’t take his phone so I was helpless. I didn’t sleep a wink that night and the next morning he was still not back. The kids were hungry and asking where he was and I was trying to keep it together in front of them as well as I could. I finally went into the hallway and called the police thinking either he had been picked up or (God forbid) driven off the road. After being transferred around and put on hold they told me that he had been arrested and the car impounded. I was left at a hotel with no transportation and his two kids trying not to cry my eyes out. It was the worst experience of my life. When he was finally released and came back I was able to hitchhike to the police station (get the papers signed), and then over to the impound lot where I picked up my car with the front seats, dashboard, and driver window covered in vomit. It was snowing but I couldn’t stand the smell with the heater on so I was forced to drive all the way back to the hotel shivering with the windows open. When we finally got down the mountain he looked so pitiful and apologized so many times that I didn’t have the heart to tell him how hurt and upset I was. He got the bracelet and was then forced to stop drinking (which he said he was going to do anyway) and the next year was amazing. We ended up getting married because I believed that that experience was his rock bottom and he was a new man. I was so happy with the prospect of being with the guy I loved and not having to deal with the side affects of him drinking. If only it could’ve lasted… He stayed sober for about a month after the bracelet came off but then he slowly started drinking again. “This time he was going to control it”. He has been controlling it better and he is talking about having a baby. I have been considering it for a while because I would eventually like to have children. But… I am currently writing this at 3am in the morning because he is blackout drunk again on the floor of our bedroom. Is there any way to help? How can I think of having kids with him if they could wake up in the middle of the night to see their dad pissing himself or at the very least laying naked on the floor like he is now. We’ve only been married a year and I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I am so disgusted at the sight of him but I know I’ll feel differently in the morning when he apologizes. Help me. How do I do this…

Amanda Andruzzi
3:50 am February 24th, 2016

Kathy,
The only way I can help you is to tell you to pleas read Hope Street if you haven’t already. You need to see what is in store for you if you stay. This man is not going to just up and stop drinking unless his hand is forced and that is no way for you to live or raise a child. Your story is very sad and you have been through so much and you need to own that. You have been emotionally abused, felt helpless and hopeless and that is a big journey for someone so young. I met my ex-husband at 19 and I know what you are going through. You need to understand what addiction really is, understand he IS an addict (and addicts always say they don’t have a problem), and that your gut feelings are always right.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sarah
12:17 am February 25th, 2016

I just want to say please find the strength to leave him but that is a decision you have to come to yourself. It has taken me 20 years to finally leave my alcoholic husband and although very sad the relief I feel that I don’t have to live in that chaos anymore is overwhelming. I have cut off complete contact from him as I don’t want to feel sorry for him or listen to his apologies any more. If I start to waiver I think of someone I love and what I would advise them to do and the answer is clear. I wish you all the best.

Ash
2:15 pm March 3rd, 2016

I am in a relationship with a meth addict every time I try to leave or kick him out he throws a fit and breaks things and puts me down telling me it’s my fault we have 4 kids together I don’t know what to do

Amanda Andruzzi
3:21 pm March 3rd, 2016

Sara and Ash,

Sarah is right it is time to leave especially when things are so out of control as they usually are living with an addict. It is in the best interest of your children for them not to see an addict controlling everyone’s life. The roller coaster of emotions is not healthy for you nor your children even if he is their father. You have to start protecting yourself and your children and do what’s right for you and stop worrying about the addict as hard as that sounds. Sarah I’m so glad to hear that you finally had the courage walk away. Stay strong, it will get easier in time and you will be able to rebuild your life.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Bonnie
5:34 am March 6th, 2016

Hey Amanda, Thanks for all that you do on here to help. My addict husband has been out of the house for 2 months now. I am feeling all kinds of feelings. Last night I just lost it and lashed out on whoever would listen, I even lashed out on him. Last week a cop car pulled up in front of the house,and my heart went into my throat, I thought they were coming to tell me something happened to him(this has been one of my darkest fears for years)they ended up at a neighbors house.Anyway that put me in an anxiety mode all day. I have been not being able to concentrate and feeling real off lately. I came to realize, that I have been affected by his addiction, and I guess when he was here, I didnt in my mind want to believe that his addiction was as bad as it was. Now I just feel like Ive done lost it.Is this normal to feel after I have been away from it? What do I need to do to heal from this. For once I have really realized how bad Ive been affected by his addiction.Other people who havent been there dont understand and they dont seem to understand me and how Im feeling.How do I heal from this? Ive been going to CODA, but Im wondering if I need to try Naraon for a little while. Im also considering counseling. I guess the 1st step is finally realizing how bad i have been affected.Also how do I get others to understand what Im going through,if they have never been through it?

Renate
6:33 am March 6th, 2016

Amanda,
Update. I am doing great. Yes there has been tears, anger and wondering if I did the right thing by leaving. True to form my husband is still drinking and doing drugs. No I didn’t go back. Life is getting better. Starting a new job, got the car fixed, doing what I want and need to do. No drama no B.S. Now just waiting on the divorce. The only bad thing I may have to pay some kind of financial support for a few months. But it is all worth it

Jane
5:17 am March 13th, 2016

Hi There,

The stories I have read here are just amazing tributes to the strength of human spirit.
This is a wonderful blog and such a relief to view the tremendous scenarios which actually have made me feel better. Thank you Amanda for providing all of us good souls to express ourselves.
You are a value to us all!
I am in love with and have been living with a life-long alcoholic who has stories of 20 years of rehab, etcetera. We are both 50 years old and developed a rather late in life romance.
We met through a previous job, and he told me he was an alcoholic on our very first date. I had believed that he was a recovered alcoholic.
He moved in with me quickly, and I have had 3 years of him “falling off the wagon” on a 30 day basis. He is a “death drinker” who chugs a large bottle of vodka, goes into a coma-sleep, then does it again.
I have just returned home from the ER where he was brought by ambulance to get detox.
And I am “sticking to my guns” this time and not allowing him to return to our shared home.
We were evicted from my previous place of 6 years rental, and I am in a new apartment that I love and do not wish to lose due to more drama surrounding his alcoholism.
And my spirit has suffered terribly. The fear of coming home to him drinking, which is highest at every 21 days, is debilitating.
I must obtain some time to repair my psyche and work on putting my life back on track.
This blog has allowed me to make this statement which strengthens my reserve to make this happen.
Blessings to all of you and especially Amanda. Thank you so much for your time. Jane

Jane
5:24 am March 13th, 2016

And good for you Renate! I am cheering for you!
Your comment inspired me to share.
Thank you and I wish you all the love and luck in the world!

Kimberly
11:43 am March 19th, 2016

At times I fear my husband. Every weekend he drinks over 18 beers and snorts cocaine. I am worried he will die. I am worried he will commit suicide, and I am worried of my life when he gets violent. I have nowhere to go, and I do not work due to health problems. He is 345lbs 5’11 and I am 185 5’4 he is a brick wall when mad and I just do as he says. What do I do? Getting tired of it all. Any advice.

Samuel
3:38 pm March 20th, 2016

I laid here powerless my girlfriend of three on December 12 2015 told police I pulled a gun on her I was force to leave o December 14 2015 went to court on December 17 I had to leave might I say I did nothing no gun never existed she got the order of protection. Come to find out she in on smoking crack she has stay legal matters coming up but it hurts I had no clue but I want to help she block my calls.I see why she did it to be by herself to do her drugs she had close off everybody she cannot hold a job and yes I wanted to pick up the pieces she so far gone she reads my e mails but she does not respond I gave her 300 dollars a few weeks ago she stated she had a real estate matter to pay at which she blew me off I told her family and she told me she did not want to speak to me no more but she read my Facebook because I show pictures of happy times together I am just afraid she selling her body to support her habit. I just felt I could not turn my back from afar

Amanda Andruzzi
7:48 pm March 21st, 2016

Bonnie,
No thanks necessary, glad you are here! You are going through a loss and there are certain feelings and emotions that you must go through to heal from this and set forth into your own recovery of co-addiction. All of these emotions are very normal and this is not an easy process. Have you read Hope Street, it may help you feel that sense of understanding you are talking about which is why I wrote it. It will give you inspiration and let you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Nar-Anon or Al-Anon would be great but I would also seek a counselor who specializes in addiction so he or she can really know what you have dealt with and what you need for your own healing process and the reason why you allowed this to go on. It is hard to make outsiders understand your pain, believe me, if you have read Hope Street, you will see that I had tried but it is something, that unless you experience firsthand, it is difficult to empathize with. I wrote this blog to bring all of us together and support eachother out of this situation in a healthy way. Keep doing the work, time makes it easier.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
7:52 pm March 21st, 2016

Renate,
Thank you for giving us an update. We need that so much here, for others to see the positive changes that can occur when you decide to start taking care of yourself. Please keep us posted and keep things moving ahead, setbacks are temporary and if you find yourself in one, just go through the motions, it won’t last. You are a great hope and example for all of us.

Amanda Andruzzi
7:57 pm March 21st, 2016

Jane,
Thank you for sharing with us. You are well understood here. It is never too late to say that you want something else in life, even if you have loved the person for a long time and find it hard to leave, you deserve the best life you can live. Being with an addict surrounds you with negativity and eventually we start to crash. We are running on emptyand look up one day and wonder how we got here. I think you can make a stand and when you are ready, I will be here to help. I would recommend getting support, counselor, al-anon or any other form that feels comfortable for you to help you move on. We lose track of ourselves in this process and we have to keep reminding ourselves that this is not our fight, we cannot save anyone.

Amanda Andruzzi
8:01 pm March 21st, 2016

Kimberly,
Unless you are willing to leave him, there is not much you can do but try to endure the behavior or live with him and detach from him emotionally. I am not sure what your health issues are but there is nothing that can’t be turned around, the spirit and mind feed the body and if they are toxic, we allow ourselves to become toxic, literally and physically. I think you need to find a way to stand up on your own two feet or ask for help from friends and family until you can. Weighing that much and drinking and snorting cocaine is not going to last long considering the added stress on his heart. You can try an intervention with family and let him know you are leaving if he does not stop, but take your time and set things up because you need to be prepared to walk away.

Amanda Andruzzi
8:04 pm March 21st, 2016

Samuel,
I know this is difficult for you when you love someone who is so ill but the more you try to stay in her life to pick up the pieces, the more you will fall apart. You can not help someone, especially when they don’t want help. You have offered support, talked to her family, pleaded with her to stop I am sure and she wants to keep doing what she is doing. You have to let her hit her rock bottom and allow her to do that on her own because enabling her is only prolonging her addiction. I would seek some help for you to work through this.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Paula
11:09 pm March 24th, 2016

Hello Amanda,
Well written & informative piece… Thank you! I like to believe that I am well past the ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ questioning in my almost 3 yr.relationship with an alcoholic. But sadly, & it is truly sad, I find myself only hanging by the thread of guilt but not so much fear? (Are they one in the same…to a point?) He is very well aware of where I stand at this point & has been sober for 2 weeks now…Doing it on his own, as he does not believe in the AA philosophy(?) This is good… But, I have had what feels like a incredibly slow & torturous month(s) now long battle to detach & disengage. After all of the trying to help in any & every way possible…Getting him into programs, reaching out to his family & friends, none of which want anything to do with him. Saving his job(s) for him time & again, the time & money spent…ridiculous! Withstanding the constant barrage of emotional, verbal abuse & general const Yup, I have been telling him myself for a while now..’I have been of absolutely no help to you, I have only enabled you endlessly.’ For that, I really am sorry…For the both of us.

JJ
9:05 pm March 28th, 2016

My wife and I have been together for 17 years and married 9, we met at the end of high school. We have had a rad life, we bought our house when I was 25 and she 23 and have always been on an awesome path. After our second daughter; both were c-sections, she continued to use norco. The Dr’s kept prescribing them; for the last 3 years I have been tracking mileage on the car and going through her phone and computer and found out she was buying them off craigslist multipal times. I finally got tired of all that and about 6 months ago I stopped doing all of that and started taking care of me. At that time she also became pregnant with our 3 child while on birth control; still in the oven. She told me that she wanted to keep it because it would help her finally get off them all the way (which she has been saying she was, which I know was a lie) so I agreed. Well to make a long story longer I just found out she continued to use while pregnant, she opened loans and credit cards in my name and her moms. She is now in a program and on methadone until after the baby is born. I am torn on what to do, I feel like a total piece of shit if I was to leave now with her pregnat, but I’m not happy and have zero trust in her. I have told her this as well so she knows my feelings, I also want to be there to help when the child is born, I don’t want to be living in a separate place and Leave her to do all the nighttime baby stuff on her own. if she was not pregnat I would prob just leave now, but I feel like an ass if I were to. She is a great mom and is still amazing with our daughters who are 3 and 6, it’s just so hard! Anyways thanks for letting me vent, from reading through all the posts there are not to many men posting anything, so I figured I would share my story.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:06 pm March 29th, 2016

Paula,
You might want to start asking yourself a few questions; what is holding you back from leaving? guilt from what? why don’t you think you deserve more? what insecurities do you have that keep you stuck? if you can’t save him, does that make you a bad person?
I think, if you think outside for a minute, you will know the answers to these questions with a little digging but sometimes we are too scared, stuck or insecure to do something about it and it sounds like that is where you are at. I am glad you are sharing and communicating but now it is time to start worrying about you and your life and not his.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
5:18 pm March 29th, 2016

JJ,
Thank you for sharing your story. Men may not post all that much but there are many men going through the same thing you are. I am glad you posted. You are not wrong to want to leave and when it comes to children things get tricky. I hope first and foremost for the health of your unborn child. Coming off of opiates as a newborn is a very difficult thing and yes, I think you should be around for that. I know in your heart you have given up and that is a consequence to her addiction but you also have to consider your children. You can stay in the home for a short time after the birth and make sure your children are safe. I have had 3 c-sections, one went wildly wrong (infection, pain that lasted a month) and I was prescribed pain pills but did not take them after two days. I know 100% that you don’t need them and my fear is that she may do this again with the 3rd c-section. There is a lot of pain the first couple of days but after that ibuprofen works fine. I would stay and take care of my children and that has nothing to do with your feelings for her. You can determine how you feel later. No one would blame you for leaving but secure your children in a safe environment before you do that and work on getting some support for you; a therapist, al-anon, friend and family.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sarah
11:23 pm April 10th, 2016

I left my husband a couple of months ago and commented on here. It turned out the trauma of me finally wanting a divorce sent him in to a massive downward spiral and his sister finally got him in to rehab ( he would never go whilst living with me). Whilst in rehab I managed to get myself and the kids back in to the house and he has rented a room elsewhere. I was advised to get a court order against him (due to verbal abuse and not being able to get in to my own house) but I thought since he had gone to rehab I would give him the chance of seeing the children. So far I think he has stayed sober but the drama and anxiety he causes every time he comes round makes me think he is not rehabilitated at all. I have realised it is not only the drunkenness and the drugs I couldn’t stand but his obsession with himself and complete lack of thought about what he is putting me through still. I’ve now realised I need to sell the family home quickly and split 50:50 (a solicitor suggested I should get a larger proportion since I need to house our children but he went crazy when I suggested this and said he wanted to go to war with me). Therefore I think for the sake of my mental health I should cut my losses and start again. It will be tough but at least I now have a future I can look forward to without worrying about whether he will keep his job or not and without the continuous misery and drama that surrounds him.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:38 pm April 11th, 2016

Sarah,
Thank you for checking back in. You are an extremely brave person. What he is doing is either part of his dry drunk behavior or perhaps he is still drinking, but either way do not let it threaten you. He is using scare tactics to control you so that he can continue to get what he wants like he did when he was using. It does not sound like he has really recovered because 90% of that is behavior changes and lifestyle changes. Becoming healthier physically, emotionally, and mentally is key to sobriety, abstaining from the substance is just a small part. I would keep moving in the direction you are going and not allow him to trip you up. You are the sole provider for children and so I would let a judge decide what you should be receiving because it is not 50/50.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Mrs White
6:15 am April 12th, 2016

Amanda… Thank You! I do not know even where to begin… I finally left my alcoholic husband 3 weeks ago after 18 yrs of marriage. Our oldest is 22 in college, 19 yr old in college and I am with our 14 yr old daughter. I left because he wouldn’t… After a night of his angry drunkness my daughter said to me the next day when I picked her up from school “mom, I don’t want to go home to my drunk dad” that did it… My husband was a “functioning alcoholic” the first eleven years then he was diagnosed with a bone disease and is now permanently disabled. (One of the reasons I feared leaving) he drinks from the moment his feet hit the floor in the morning till he lays his head down to pass out! His cognitive skills have declined in such a sad way, rambles on and on about nothing and how great he is!! It’s all about him, what he has done, what a good provider he has been, all he has given us, blah blah blah! He has been in rehab 3 times, I gave him an ultimatum to get sober and admit that he needs help (step 1) or to stay as he is and be alone. He says he knows the blue book from beginning to end… He knows the steps.. He can “outwit” , “outsmart” envery counselor he has ever been in contact with and that rehab does not work for him!! I believe he also suffers from PTSD, Anxiety and depression. I detached for a year, moved into the spare room and just could not do it anymore.. I am now staying with my son in his apt w/ our 14 yr old. I know I can have him out of the house but he’s disabled and my heart can not be so cruel.. I still have hope that he will choose us? I’m lost, hurt and so confused. Our daughter is hurting she will need counseling I know I am just as sick as he is. I’ve disabled him all of these years and have let it get this far.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:29 pm April 15th, 2016

Mrs. White,
It doesn’t matter when you get out of the situation, it matters that you do get out of the situation. Things may be tricky, I know, I have had many obstacles, but do not let that stop you. My daughter was my reason to give up on him and focus on her. She was five at the time but did not deserve to live her life seeing her father in the state he was always in. You are doing the right thing because staying–NOTHING will ever change. He can’t want to do it for you, he has to do it for himself and come to the conclusion that his life is beyond repair on his own. You can figure out a way to make this work for you but you cannot be in the same house. I would definitely start counseling for you and your daughter and perhaps family counseling for you and all of your children. The key is to stay strong and get through this period of time and I promise there is a reward on the other side. I no longer wake up fearing that my husband is going to leave and use drugs or come home messed up in front of our child. I don’t look around the house trying to find his drugs or scared that I will find it. It is no way to live.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Renate
5:18 am April 20th, 2016

My update!!! It is amazing how life works!! Not only did I secure a great job but ended up fast tracking through all the training at work ( I work at a Level One Trauma Hospital as an RT) and now find my self in a position that I have always wanted. So life is looking up!! I even decided to return to school and I started to volunteer at a school for children who “fall through the crack” so to speak. My husband (soon to be ex) is at a Rehab and seems to be doing better but I know it will be a long journey for him. We talk on when he can but I keep him at a distance. I like my life to much to let it be ruined again. I haven’t decided to get counseling I suppose I should but I am doing okay for now. The biggest question that I know will never be answered to my husband is “why did you not get helped when I asked. and did you truly value me? I suppose I may never know and that is okay. I am feeling good, looking good and no stress that comes with living with an addict. Life is good!!

Amanda Andruzzi
7:17 pm April 22nd, 2016

Renate,
Thank you so much for the update. I am so happy for you and grateful that you are finding your own way again. Definitely keep him as far away as you can and keep focusing on you. You are doing fantastic! Have you read Hope Street? The answers to your questions are there from my personal experience but I can tell you one thing; his addiction is selfish and really has nothing to do with you. They don’t go into recovery for anyone, they go when they are ready and perhaps he wasn’t ready until you left and he was able to hit bottom. Life is good, so focus on that and keep me updated.
Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sarah
1:06 am April 24th, 2016

Renate – so glad I just read your message. I am in the process of trying to get away from my alcoholic husband and have had the most horrible week with him sending a text saying goodbye as if he was about to top himself. Of course on receiving that the guilt I feel on leaving him was overwhelming. He is in such a state but I know I could never get back with him for the sake of my own mental health and for the safety of the children. I have also received a really abusive text from one of his sister’s today which started by saying what a vile and horrible person I am. My friend took my phone off me and deleted it before I could read the rest but I am so upset. I am living in our house currently and have got to try and stay strong enough to live here until it is sold as I know if he gets back in I probably won’t be able to sell it. Amanda, I read your book and found it a great inspiration. It is amazing what we all put up with and live through for the sake of a loved one and put our own health at risk in the process. I have also spent many hours looking through bins, pockets etc. Looking for evidence to confirm what I already knew deep down. Because he had one dry period of 6 months I spent the next 6 years believing that he would do it again and it never happened. He has now just come out of rehab and within a week was drinking again. I know he will blame me for not taking him back after the rehab but I couldn’t ever go down that road again. This web page has helped me such a great deal in trying to stay strong.

Amanda Andruzzi
8:30 pm April 28th, 2016

Sarah,
Thank you for sharing and I am so glad the book helped you in some way. I really believe it is important to be able to feel understood in this situation because other people do not know what it is really like and how hard it really is to leave. You have done that though and so you are on your way to something better. You should delete the text and not read it because those statements are from people who do not really know and they have anger, the kind of anger that they think gives them a license to hurt other people. You don’t deserve that and I understand that. My ex mother-in-law too called me a vile person for stopping communication with my ex but from what I hear, she no longer speaks to him either because he has never gotten clean.
You are doing the right thing, you can be sure of that and if you ever think otherwise I am right here to remind you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Bob
4:47 pm April 29th, 2016

I often overreact. I often play the martyr. I often play the perfect angel. I fear losing control. I am sometimes emotionally inadequate. More . . .

I am aware of these tendencies and am attempting to deal with them. Still, my wife has an alcohol problem and that doesn’t go away, no matter how well or badly go my day-to-day efforts to clean up my own act.

I do not know whether or not have the strength to leave her; I do not know whether or not I have the strength to stay. At this exact moment, fingers pounding keys, I cannot imagine doing either one.

No questions. No soliciting advice. I just need to put this out there so that I can make sure that I am not struck by lightning. Then we’ll see what happens next.

Jessica
1:41 pm May 14th, 2016

I am in recovery myself and know how hard it is to accept that one has a problem. He dealt with me threw my addiction, and now the role has changed I feel like since he stuck by my side that i am obligated to stay. I know I need to leave but can’t find the strength to do so.

Amanda Andruzzi
4:43 pm May 16th, 2016

Jessica,
You know firsthand his struggle but most importantly you should know that you have to come first in recovery. Your sobriety is number one.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Shawl
5:14 pm May 18th, 2016

I realize this is an old article but my fear my biggest fear and the only thing keeping me with my pill addicted husband is that I do not want to destroy my two little boys foundation in their family unit, I do not want to make their world crumble or shake their faith in their family unit in any way. If it wasn’t for that nagging thought I would have been gone 5 yrs ago…. What advice would you give me if that’s the point I am at?

Allison
5:17 pm May 23rd, 2016

I have been with my addict for only 8 months, we live together, no kids. It was alcohol for the first 3 months, he got a DUI and I gave him an ultimatum, so he quit, just like that. Then came the pain pills, justified in my mind because he had suffered a major broken back and was in a wheel chair for 2 years a few years back. Needless to say, he has a lot of pain. My problem came when the lies came, lies about how much he was taking, when he was taking, and how (I found needles and a spoon) he began injecting the opiates. He has been doing this for about 2 weeks I think, the day I found the needles (2 days ago) I left, moved to my moms. I left him a note giving him until June 10th to get out of my apt and then I called his mom. My struggle theses last 2 days is that I didn’t even try. I just abandoned him, I didn’t offer to go to meetings, doctors, counsellors. I didn’t offer to stay if he wanted to detox. I just abandoned him because I am AFRAID of falling even more in love with an addict, and I want children. I acted out of fear. Whose to say he can’t have full recovery? Did I do the right thing? Should I be there for him or is this something he needs to do on his own and I did the right thing? I have only known him 8 months but I love him. I feel like I pawned him off on his mother and took the easy road (easy as in cried for the last 2 days). I am confused.
I should also add, my addict lover is never mean to me. In fact, he is beyond nice to me, massaging me for hours and cooking meals. I know it is early days yet and the emotional abuse could come, but again that is assuming. He is nicer when he is using and super happy which is one of the signs that he used. He does not go missing for days at a time either. He is always there for me and I abandoned him the second I saw those needles…… I don’t know if I did the right thing.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:47 am June 10th, 2016

Shawl,
What foundation do they really have? It is you. If your husband is an active addict, then I am sure things are not great in the home or that he is the most stable and emotionally available father. We have this idea that a family unit is not complete unless there are two parents but I can tell you that they are better off with one stable parent, with you. Exposing them to an addict, even if it is their father, is not going to help them grow up, help their self-esteeem, so think of it like you are actually helping them by making a change. If I would have stayed with my ex-husband, my daughter would still be watching her father use drugs to this day, 6 years later. Instead she had one stable mother take care of her and then remarry to a healthy man who is raising her like his own. I would trade that foundation you speak of for some upheaval. I can promise that it will be worth it because you will be a more stable mother and person not living with this toxicity and chaos.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
2:57 am June 10th, 2016

Allison,
You did the right thing. You did the right thing. Trust me please. I wish I would have walked away 8 months or even 3 years in but I stayed. My addict was extremely loving and worshipped the ground I walked on. He paid off my college loans, became my husband and the father of my first child. But the lies he told me to cover his drug use made me feel crazy and insane all 12 years. An addict lies and you are right, he needs to do this on his own. Your future with him is unknown but your instinct to leave was right on. An addict will tell you what you want to hear so you will stay. I wish I went with my gut but please read Hope Street, I wrote this book because it is the only way I can really help other men and women going through the same situation.

Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Mo
5:11 am June 14th, 2016

Amanda….run, don’t walk and keep going….the longer you stay the tougher it gets. If I had had family around 29 years ago I would have been gone. Now I still don’t have family close but I am closer to my decision to leave. Life is short, live yours not his.

Hummer
4:26 pm June 22nd, 2016

Old Today, 12:00 PM #97 (permalink)
Hummer
Member

Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 26
Hi Amanda,
It’s been 3 months since my last post. I feel overwhelmed and in need of advice and guidance.

You may remember that my marriage is rocky due to husbands alcohol addiction and us living apart every other week.

Since December when he announced that he would no longer drink – due to that being my boundary – I have strong suspicions that he maybe didn’t drink for the first 3 months and then the moods and catalogue of gripes returned and I’ve also suspected that I can detect in his voice that he’s been drinking over the telephone. Other times he has avoided calls and other times when I have collected him at airport recently I have smelled a strong smell of stale booze and blurry eyes.

This ties in with his recent dark mood. He travelled the 400 miles north last Friday, his 18 year old daughter also arrived to stay the night with us. Friday and Saturday were both ok. On the Saturday afternoon I suggested a walk near the river and a cold drink at a nearby hotel garden. We did this and I ordered a soft drink for him and as I didn’t feel like anything fizzy I order myself a water with ice and lemon (there’s a reason I’m giving so much detail) afterwards we were both very hungry so headed home to make dinner. All seemed OK. Earlyish night as We were travelling to another town 100 miles away Sunday to attend a memorial service for my teenage nephew who passed away in February of this year. Plans had been in place for a while. We had plenty of time Sunday morn so I suggested a walk before the journey. We did so and I could definitely detect a change in mood, we walk around with a heavy feeling no holding hands because I didn’t initiate it like I did the day before. I think maybe the mood is to do with it being Father’s Day and 2 of his 3 daughters didn’t send him a card as they have all fallen out again so I try not to be too harsh about the mood. We collect my daughter and grandson at noon and travel the 100 miles all the while the mood getting more noticeable (I’m beginning to think this mood may be because he wants to drink having been a few days sober in my company?). Anyway, we attend the memorial I’m still trying to keep conversation going – for my daughters sake mostly as don’t want her picking up and suffering coz of his mood. We have two adjoining hotel rooms for the night, one for us and the other for daughter and son.
I won’t be seeing my husband for 3 weeks as I’m going away abroad with all the ladies in my family for my mums 60th birthday then have to work a week on my return – not ideal to not see one another for 3 weeks but can’t be helped and I had arranged to spend a full two weeks together next time I see him.
I offered for us to go out for a meal together on Sunday night – he said he didn’t mind. I suggested an alternative of takeaway and enjoy nice hotel rooms and weather was awful too. He said for me to. Choose as he didn’t mind either way. I could tell he did mind as the mood was still there. We got takeaway, my daughter put baby to bed and the 3 of us ate the food. At 10pm my daughter went out for a few hours with our young nieces as they aren’t in the same town very often. I left the adjoining door open to listen out for baby – no big deal!
I should mention here that my husband and I are in process of buying an apartment down south where his workplace is so we have a more comfortable base down there and we have my apartment up north.

On the Monday husband left early for long drive south to work and daughter and I took a train 100 miles other direction back to our homes. I text and thanked him for arranging the hotels and for the takeaways the previous night.
He responded b saying that I was welcome but his generosity was going to be reduced in the future – he is sick of everyone allowing him to pay for everything all of the time – I reminded him that I had offered to buy the food. He is still bitter about his sister and her husband dodging restaurant bills every time we meet but seemed unreasonable to extend this to me, his wife and my daughter.
I told him I wouldn’t be accepting any more meals for my family in future.
I also told him to get whatever off his chest as there was very obviously something as his mood was very difficult to deal with all of the previous day and eve.
To cut long story short, whenever there is this mood I know that in a day or two I will hear a catalogue of gripes – mostly about me.
He complained that the day out on Sunday had been changed without any thought of his feelings. Wanted a beach walk but we didn’t have time.
Complained about the amount of driving to attend the memorial football match (it was a long drive for him to be fair) I offered to drive the part in between our town and the place where match was taking place but he declined offer.
Complained that he didn’t get to play in goals for a short time during the match as he wanted to pay his respects – I told him I put his request forward but had no hand in the organisation of the event so couldn’t do anything about that.
Said that I had been trying to provoke him into an argument for past two weeks.
Said I complained about time taken to arrange mortgage – it has been a lengthy complicated procedure but I never blamed him – was just frustrated that we had a moving day set etc.
Complained that we didn’t go out for a meal on the Sunday eve…!!!! I offered several times. He said that a meal would have been good for us instead of the pressure to get back to hotel to babysit – that wasn’t how it was at all – my daughter only went out because we didn’t.
Complained that I drank water when we went for walk on Saturday afternoon – said it wasn’t a great incentive for us to stay out an have another… I explained that we could have stayed out however long he’d wanted my choice of drink shouldn’t be the deciding factor, I remember us leaving because we both felt hungry and wanted to have meal at home.
Complained he has high levels of stree due to work, mortgage, relationship with his daughters and our marriage.
He also seemed upset that other members of my family hadn’t made effort to go to the memorial event when he has travelled so far – not sure why this bothers him it wasn’t our do.
Said he’d heard us discussing my daughters ex’s drug use in a negative way while not mentioning that my sister uses recreational drugs – again not sure what this has to do with anything.
I told him I was demented with all of this crap and that I was heading off to see my counsellor. He told me he thought counselling was a good idea for me and that he’d get a solicitor to deal with this from now on!!
I did see my counsellor on Monday eve and plan to see her in two weeks after her holiday.
Tuesday morning he text some other nonsense and I said I wasn’t getting into a text argument. The next text I received was sent to me and our tenant who lives in the property he owns saying that the rental (that has been paid into my account since Feb this year and I feel has been a source of resentment for him) to be paid to his pension pot with immediate effect – this really struck me as a low blow. I only have a part time wage due to me to-ing and fro-ing between my town and work place and his every other week. He seems to want to punish or control or something.
I feel sad and really tired of it all. I’m going away for mums 60th tomorrow and I didn’t want to feel this stressed. I’m sure we are heading for divorce now as I can’t see me doing this forever. I’m dreading if he starts to beg and plead for us to remain together like he did back in December because I find that so difficult. I have (had) financial security, nice holidays, no money worries but it was obvious that he didn’t like me receiving the rental – it was cast up several times. Now he has all his big wages and rental etc and I have my part time wage which isn’t much but I can survive on it.

Just another thing I need to share. In April he bombarded me with requests for phone sex back and naked pictures – despite me telling him that I am not comfortable with it all – he even asked me to go to toilet in my work place and wouldn’t stop the bombardment, I got back to my desk to several messages and pics of his penis etc I felt thoroughly sickened. He had been away on business for 9 days and didn’t get any chances to call me during that time but his first night and following day back in uk he started all of this – we hadn’t even had a normal conversation.
Ps he also said that he could tell I did not want him to touch me last time we were together and that I hadn’t put a drink in the fridge to cool for him after his long journey, like I normally do – all signs that I have stopped caring and am taking him for granted. He didn’t mention the wardrobe full of ironed shirts I had done for him before I left or the large sums of money I saved him just last week by taking the time to phone round for solicitors fees and house insurance quotes etc – I don’t want praise for any of this but all the good stuff goes unnoticed and he picks up on the negatives only.

Hummer
7:50 pm June 22nd, 2016

Ps today he has started saying that he doesn’t want a separation or divorce and that he only mentioned solicitors etc in defence because I was sounding as though I wanted to leave . I have dreaded him pleading with me as that’s when I tend to weaken and agree to another chance. He has agreed that he is now probably a dry drunk and that abstinence in itself was not enough and that he will also address this issue. So horribly confused!

Hummer
12:35 pm June 28th, 2016

Hi Amanda,
It’s been 3 months since my last post. I feel overwhelmed and in need of advice and guidance.

You may remember that my marriage is rocky due to husbands alcohol addiction and us living apart every other week.

Since December when he announced that he would no longer drink – due to that being my boundary – I have strong suspicions that he maybe didn’t drink for the first 3 months and then the moods and catalogue of gripes returned and I’ve also suspected that I can detect in his voice that he’s been drinking over the telephone. Other times he has avoided calls and other times when I have collected him at airport recently I have smelled a strong smell of stale booze and blurry eyes.

This ties in with his recent dark mood. He travelled the 400 miles north last Friday, his 18 year old daughter also arrived to stay the night with us. Friday and Saturday were both ok. On the Saturday afternoon I suggested a walk near the river and a cold drink at a nearby hotel garden. We did this and I ordered a soft drink for him and as I didn’t feel like anything fizzy I order myself a water with ice and lemon (there’s a reason I’m giving so much detail) afterwards we were both very hungry so headed home to make dinner. All seemed OK. Earlyish night as We were travelling to another town 100 miles away Sunday to attend a memorial service for my teenage nephew who passed away in February of this year. Plans had been in place for a while. We had plenty of time Sunday morn so I suggested a walk before the journey. We did so and I could definitely detect a change in mood, we walk around with a heavy feeling no holding hands because I didn’t initiate it like I did the day before. I think maybe the mood is to do with it being Father’s Day and 2 of his 3 daughters didn’t send him a card as they have all fallen out again so I try not to be too harsh about the mood. We collect my daughter and grandson at noon and travel the 100 miles all the while the mood getting more noticeable (I’m beginning to think this mood may be because he wants to drink having been a few days sober in my company?). Anyway, we attend the memorial I’m still trying to keep conversation going – for my daughters sake mostly as don’t want her picking up and suffering coz of his mood. We have two adjoining hotel rooms for the night, one for us and the other for daughter and son.
I won’t be seeing my husband for 3 weeks as I’m going away abroad with all the ladies in my family for my mums 60th birthday then have to work a week on my return – not ideal to not see one another for 3 weeks but can’t be helped and I had arranged to spend a full two weeks together next time I see him.
I offered for us to go out for a meal together on Sunday night – he said he didn’t mind. I suggested an alternative of takeaway and enjoy nice hotel rooms and weather was awful too. He said for me to. Choose as he didn’t mind either way. I could tell he did mind as the mood was still there. We got takeaway, my daughter put baby to bed and the 3 of us ate the food. At 10pm my daughter went out for a few hours with our young nieces as they aren’t in the same town very often. I left the adjoining door open to listen out for baby – no big deal!
I should mention here that my husband and I are in process of buying an apartment down south where his workplace is so we have a more comfortable base down there and we have my apartment up north.

On the Monday husband left early for long drive south to work and daughter and I took a train 100 miles other direction back to our homes. I text and thanked him for arranging the hotels and for the takeaways the previous night.
He responded b saying that I was welcome but his generosity was going to be reduced in the future – he is sick of everyone allowing him to pay for everything all of the time – I reminded him that I had offered to buy the food. He is still bitter about his sister and her husband dodging restaurant bills every time we meet but seemed unreasonable to extend this to me, his wife and my daughter.
I told him I wouldn’t be accepting any more meals for my family in future.
I also told him to get whatever off his chest as there was very obviously something as his mood was very difficult to deal with all of the previous day and eve.
To cut long story short, whenever there is this mood I know that in a day or two I will hear a catalogue of gripes – mostly about me.
He complained that the day out on Sunday had been changed without any thought of his feelings. Wanted a beach walk but we didn’t have time.
Complained about the amount of driving to attend the memorial football match (it was a long drive for him to be fair) I offered to drive the part in between our town and the place where match was taking place but he declined offer.
Complained that he didn’t get to play in goals for a short time during the match as he wanted to pay his respects – I told him I put his request forward but had no hand in the organisation of the event so couldn’t do anything about that.
Said that I had been trying to provoke him into an argument for past two weeks.
Said I complained about time taken to arrange mortgage – it has been a lengthy complicated procedure but I never blamed him – was just frustrated that we had a moving day set etc.
Complained that we didn’t go out for a meal on the Sunday eve…!!!! I offered several times. He said that a meal would have been good for us instead of the pressure to get back to hotel to babysit – that wasn’t how it was at all – my daughter only went out because we didn’t.
Complained that I drank water when we went for walk on Saturday afternoon – said it wasn’t a great incentive for us to stay out an have another… I explained that we could have stayed out however long he’d wanted my choice of drink shouldn’t be the deciding factor, I remember us leaving because we both felt hungry and wanted to have meal at home.
Complained he has high levels of stree due to work, mortgage, relationship with his daughters and our marriage.
He also seemed upset that other members of my family hadn’t made effort to go to the memorial event when he has travelled so far – not sure why this bothers him it wasn’t our do.
Said he’d heard us discussing my daughters ex’s drug use in a negative way while not mentioning that my sister uses recreational drugs – again not sure what this has to do with anything.
I told him I was demented with all of this crap and that I was heading off to see my counsellor. He told me he thought counselling was a good idea for me and that he’d get a solicitor to deal with this from now on!!
I did see my counsellor on Monday eve and plan to see her in two weeks after her holiday.
Tuesday morning he text some other nonsense and I said I wasn’t getting into a text argument. The next text I received was sent to me and our tenant who lives in the property he owns saying that the rental (that has been paid into my account since Feb this year and I feel has been a source of resentment for him) to be paid to his pension pot with immediate effect – this really struck me as a low blow. I only have a part time wage due to me to-ing and fro-ing between my town and work place and his every other week. He seems to want to punish or control or something.
I feel sad and really tired of it all. I’m going away for mums 60th tomorrow and I didn’t want to feel this stressed. I’m sure we are heading for divorce now as I can’t see me doing this forever. I’m dreading if he starts to beg and plead for us to remain together like he did back in December because I find that so difficult. I have (had) financial security, nice holidays, no money worries but it was obvious that he didn’t like me receiving the rental – it was cast up several times. Now he has all his big wages and rental etc and I have my part time wage which isn’t much but I can survive on it.

Just another thing I need to share. In April he bombarded me with requests for phone sex back and naked pictures – despite me telling him that I am not comfortable with it all – he even asked me to go to toilet in my work place and wouldn’t stop the bombardment, I got back to my desk to several messages and pics of his penis etc I felt thoroughly sickened. He had been away on business for 9 days and didn’t get any chances to call me during that time but his first night and following day back in uk he started all of this – we hadn’t even had a normal conversation.
Ps he also said that he could tell I did not want him to touch me last time we were together and that I hadn’t put a drink in the fridge to cool for him after his long journey, like I normally do – all signs that I have stopped caring and am taking him for granted. He didn’t mention the wardrobe full of ironed shirts I had done for him before I left or the large sums of money I saved him just last week by taking the time to phone round for solicitors fees and house insurance quotes etc – I don’t want praise for any of this but all the good stuff goes unnoticed and he picks up on the negatives only. He has agreed that he probably has become a dry drunk and has sought meetings with an ex addict who now counsels people and also signed up for addiction counselling starting 4th July – up until now since last December he has abstained only – should I wait to see what recovery alongside abstinence looks like?

Natalie
6:42 pm July 20th, 2016

Amanda,
Thank you for your thoughtful posts. My addict/alcoholic husband left me about 5 months ago. The initial shock and trauma of it has kind of dulled, and now I just feel sad. He quit drinking for seven years, but smoked a lot of pot during that time to compensate. I tried to approach him lovingly about his addiction to pot and how I feared it would lead to a relapse with alcohol. He would yell at me, call me horrible names and three times, left our home and did not come back until the next day. I am 30 and I want a family. Late in 2015, we began seeing a marriage counselor and addiction specialist together (my idea) and he agreed to go but I feel that going actually made it worse. I married him knowing that he had these challenges, and I’d hoped that with good communication and management along the way, I would be able to support him in his sobriety, but only after he chose to take ownership of it in the first place, on his own, without my help. He has burned bridges with his own family, my family, and me by leaving the way he did. He just walked out one day and never bothered to come home and take ownership of his wrongdoing through action. He says all the “right” things and apologizes but I don’t trust it. One day he tells me that he will make progress; the next day I call him and he is slurring drunk and calling me names. There were other problems in our marriage, too, mostly related to our inability to communicate and his anger/rage episodes that lead me to believe he has a serious underlying condition.

Now he texts me all the time and begs me to get “us” an apartment (he currently lives out of his office/our car, according to him, although my gut tells me that something else is going on – I am living with family at the moment.) He has access to guns and I simply do not feel safe around him. I am staying with my family until more becomes clear. Ironically, things in my career have been going very well and I have actually used the last 6 months to work on myself, my physical fitness, my mental health, and my family. I do not have children with this man but I feel that it might be time for me to go. I am 30 years old and I eventually want children and a healthy, loving partnership with someone who won’t just walk away. I think divorce is the right answer here but it’s still such a difficult decision and I have stalled nearly 6 months.

Your comments are so comforting, and I have ordered your book on Amazon. Thank you.

sophie
12:56 am July 23rd, 2016

hi there i have been reading your stories and felt the need to share my experience my husband is an alcoholic and also addicted to wide range of drugs except heroin yet!!! we have been married for 27 years and he has made my life a bloody misery!! i have now been living on my own with my 20 year old daughter for 6 months and can honestly say i have peace of mind in my own home and not frightened to come home to find him dead!!! i honestly dnt know why now as its been going on for years but maybe i just cant do it no more life with someone who lies,steals of his own been done with dui lost jobs tries to commit suicide, with no thought what he putting us through!!! the problem is my mother was also an alcoholic and died 5 years ago as much as she put me through hell at times it was my mother and felt i had no choice to look after her but now a feel at 42 i cant live this life no more!! since he left he has realy lost te plot but i now accept that i cant do it for him he needs to do this for himself!!! theres no going back theres to many things happened there unforgivable am scared for future being on my own for first time since i was 15 but i will get there might not have much i work 50 hours a week just to pay the bills as a cleaner so tough at times but its a sacrifice i need to do just to survive!!! wish you all the best of luck not easy to do but not easy living life with an alcholic i know i have lived all my life with others with depression and wide range of issues and it time to look after me now for once !!!!good luck xxxx

Amanda Andruzzi
2:56 am August 1st, 2016

Natalie,
I want you to know that you truly are making the right decision. I am so glad you had the opportunity to work on you and you realize what you want in life and that this man cannot give that to you. Most of us here don’t realize that until it is too late. You are going to be better than okay because you chose to create a strong foundation with yourself. You have to keep moving forward and allow yourself time to heal. It took me 12 years, marriage and a daughter to leave but my life now is something I always wanted and never thought I could have. I could have had it but I had to realize that it could not be with him and only then was I able to move on.
YOu will too!!
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:05 am August 1st, 2016

Sophie,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am inspired all of the time by people who just decide that they have to help themselves and stop enabling the addict. Even though you have to work hard, there is a peace and a stillness in your mind probably for the first time in your life. That is worth all of the hard work.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Lou
3:10 pm August 17th, 2016

I am contemplating a move. I have been reading a lot of these posts and feel like I am the meanest co-dependant wife of all compared to the wives I have read about. My husband is an alcoholic and he combines his drinking with prescribed pain meds. He has all kinds of back problems so he gets legitimate pain meds but he knows he can’t drink but still drinks at least a six pack of beer every single night. Sometimes a few more. He quits drinking every once in a while but only because his dr takes urine samples when he has to get his prescription renewed. Sometimes I forget that that is why he is quitting and I get excited when he is sitting in front of the tv without a beer in hand. I think to myself that he has finally decided to quit but then I remember. In my situation I am the one that is overly critical and mean because I get so mad at him. But I know in reality we are both giving each other hell in our own ways. He is lazy and doesn’t work and after 34 years of marriage, 3 kids and a daughter in law and 2 grand kids he still hasn’t grown up. He is the only person on earth that I am so mean to. I don’t physically abuse him but I know that it hurts him when I criticize him and yell at him and question him. I keep thinking that if I make him feel bad enough maybe he will change. He is very passive aggressive so he gets back at me by doing things in round about ways. His family has money and we borrow from his dad often and from our home equity line ( he borrows from it behind my back and I find out after the fact). We have gotten into financial trouble plenty of times and I always have to figure out ways to get out of it and start all over again. Most of our financial troubles are because he spends money that we don’t have and that he can’t repay because he doesn’t work. There is so much I could talk about here after 34 years of marriage and 5 years of dating before marriage. We met when he was 17 and I was 19. Now I am 58 and a half and he is 57. I know that I have become a real angry person because of my codependent situation. I know that it is ridiculous to think that I will eventually convince him to change by yelling and by being mean and by watching his every move. He does things behind my back while I am at work. One of the things that makes leaving so difficult is that I love him when he is sober. He is very creative and intelligent and funny and one other thing……..we are in a band together. He writes all of the music and lyrics and it is so much fun. We have played music together for almost as many years as we have known each other. I don’t enjoy it as much because he drinks when we get together with the other band members to practice and he embarrasses me. I am thinking about starting to move my stuff into a storage unit and telling him that I just want to clean up around here and then take it from there. Our house is full of junk and it will be reasonable for him to think that I am doing it so we can clean up around here. Maybe he will change during this process but I doubt it. I am going to start getting set up to leave by starting to move things that are dear to me out of here. I learned recently about a personality called a prosocial psychopath. My husband fits the description. I learned about it last July 2015 and my resentment towards him went up 100 notches. One of the traits of this personality is that the individual doesn’t care about anybody else. In many situations I feel like my husband really doesn’t even think about how he affects others and if he does realize how he affects people he doesn’t seem to care at all. I brought this up to him and he was so insulted by the fact that I would think of him as a psychopath, so that conversation was completely non productive. But this kind of psychopath is not the kind that would do unthinkable deeds. This type of psychopath does antisocial things that hurt other people in lesser but still harmful ways. He is very passive aggressive and in turn I become more verbally and emotionally aggressive. After reading many many of the blogs on this page I felt something lift. I don’t feel so angry towards him. He came to bed last night after we had words and whispered to me that I am so mean and because I had been reading all of this stuff on these blogs I didn’t feel like saying anything back and fell asleep feeling a little better about myself for not reacting. I feel bad about how I treat him and how my life is right now and I want it to change and i really want him to get better and I think I am just keeping the status quo by not changing myself. Thank you for hosting this site for people like me to learn from.

Lily
8:39 am August 22nd, 2016

Hi Amanda and everyone else,
I have been coming back here to read for about 18 months.
My husband is an addict to opiates but it’s been mostly under control with suboxone for many years since before we met.
I have realised my husband, although he says he loves me and I believe that, he has been using me all along for stability. He’s always been doing the bare minimum. I have to force him to do anything and now we have kids and he doesn’t help much at all and its caused huge problems between us. Before having children it didn’t really affect me other than our joint social life was lacking because he would avoid situations, but I had a full life of my own and many friends and a job so I didn’t notice too much. Until 5 years ago when we had our son and I found out a was a single parent to our child. He wouldn’t look after the baby, he would avoid it at all costs. I have lost all my friends, had to give up my jobs me my financial independence, and as a result we are in the process of losing our house and descending into poverty.
He started using meth 18 months ago and our lives reached a whole new level of crazyness I never knew existed. I though we had major problems before, but now it seems to me Herion and opiate addiction is like a walk in the park compared to meth. He lost his job due meth which made him become mentally unwell and psychotic. I tried to stick with him through the mental illness it because he is the father of my children and I love him dearly and want him to be the best possible father to our kids.
He has changed. I feel I can’t trust him anymore. I don’t want my marriage to fail, and my kids to not have their dad, and I really need him, but it seems like when I need him he’s not there anyway. It’s so hard because somehow im still in love with him. He always wins me back he can be very charming.
He went to a rehab facility a few weeks ago, but left after a few days. He has no where to live, no job or future plans, I let him stay until he could find another rehab, and he just slept and wouldn’t make any calls of do anything. I don’t want my kids learning his disgusting behaviour.
I feel like so much emotional energy goes into him and his problems and me or my children are never the focus of the family. It’s not healthy for any of us. My biggest fear is that he’ll kill himself, he has tried that once before. I feel that it’s not the right way to live, staying with him and standing by him through all the broken promises, because I’m afraid he’ll end up dead without me. I just want a normal life. I don’t like the drama and I don’t believe I am co dependant. I don’t tell anyone what I’m going through because of the shame and judgement and I have become so isolated. I have never wanted to help him to the point it ruins my own life. He manipulates me, so that I am helping him when I help myself. Such as financially, I have to keep a roof over my head and my children’s heads, so I have to pay the rent and bills. I would rather he pay his share, but that didn’t always happen. he would make up a lot of excuses and lies for why he needed money.
Right now I feel I have had enough, and I have made him leave and said I wanted to end our marriage.
Sorry for the length of my post.
It feels good to read about what others are going through.
Xx

Nancy
6:42 pm August 22nd, 2016

So here I am again, about a year later! My husband has struggled with alcoholism and I have separated from him, AGAIN. He wrecked his truck and got a DUI in January. He leaves in a small studio a few miles away. He started going to AA and now has almost 9 months sober. Longest period of time in a while! He’s actually working on himself and putting in WORK to stay sober. I told him when he has one year we can discuss living together again. We are starting marriage counseling also. He is really changing this time! I’m grateful for the wake up call! I just wanted to share the good news and also share that healthy boundaries may be really hard to do but are the best thing you can do for yourself and for your partner when the time comes.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:52 am August 24th, 2016

Lou,
You are very welcome but I really want to see if we can help you. I think the only way for you to gain back some control and peace in your life is to let go and leave. He hits a very sore and soft spot with everything he does and does not do so as you said, he is not going to change but you most definitely can. You have no idea how great you will feel if you work on yourself and all of the anger and understandible depression you must be feeling all of these years. The frustration must be blinding most days but part of that problem is your action and reaction to him and staying with someone who absolutely cannot give you a happy life. This is an opportunity to work on you, self-love, self-respect and try and let go of that anger because he will be fine and it will eat you up inside.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
1:56 am August 24th, 2016

Lily,
You are definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing and I am glad you are here.
You did the right thing because an addict will drag you down and string you along forever
if you let them and as you said your kids need one stable parent. You need to focus your
energy to save them and yourself and you have to let him take his own path.
I really hope you can let him go for good and get your life back together and just take
care of those children who need you now more than ever.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amy
2:58 am August 25th, 2016

I have been with my husband for 5 years, we have been married for 1. He has struggled with a meth addiction for 3 years. The werid thing about it is he is not like most addicts with this drug. He has always held a good paying job,always taken care of me and we’ve even bought a house and were planning to start a family. He isaid very high functioning,but I struggle with this. We have gone back and forth for the past year with him using every other day. He was soBerlin for 7 months and he swore to remain clean. He fellet off the wagon. I kickedont him to the guest room for 1 month and he promised to be sober and to submit to drug tests for me to prove hr would stay that way. Another month goes by and I discover he slipped up again. We have tried counseling both for him and for me to pull it together. Nothing has worked he doesnt feel that the counselors understand he feels his situation is unique. He is not abusive to me he does not drain our bank acct. His personality does change though and I cant live with the fact that he is slowly killing himself with God knows what is in that drug. I am at a loss. I set a boundary this last time that he would have to pack a bag and stay somewhere else if he couldn’t remain’t sober. It’s just so hard to handle. No one family or friends know about this and they’d be shocked to find out, he just doesn’t exhibit anything typical to being a meth addict. I think it scares me more to continue down this path ignoring what is going on. He blames his add for this habit alot. I see his pain and frustration when he is sober. He can’t focus hes forgetful hes unorganized. All characteristics of being add, but I’m worried for him to actually get add medication. Will it just become another addiction? I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I can’t even set healthy boundaries at this point. : /

Maryann
9:28 pm August 25th, 2016

I’m an alcoholic and I can tell you this. My fiance has helped me more in my recovery than anyone else. My love for him is so strong, the thought of losing him keeps me sober. It’s wrong to depend on him that much, I know. But we’ve been with each other for over 10+plus years and if I love him even more now than I did before, I think that’s worth something.

Craig
8:33 pm September 8th, 2016

This post really helps to solidify that I am making the right decision. For me. My wife is a severe alcoholic. Drinking and hiding it a minimum of 4-5 nights a week. I am the classic “fixer.” Very paternal in every way. And a peaceful man. It has come time for me to finally look after myself. The screaming and fighting coupled with her pushing and shoving and breaking things has crossed the line. Together for 5 years and married for 3, there has been no improvement and I am turning into an angry and resentful man. Thank you for such an insightful post.

Amanda Andruzzi
2:57 am September 13th, 2016

Amy,
Your situation is different from others but addiction is definitely a problem either way. Has he tried ADD medication? I don’t think that if he saw a psychiatrist and told them of his meth addiction, they would just give him nothing. You have to keep your boundaries because yes, even though he is high functioning, he is using a deadly drug. This is not someone you should be starting a family with so you must make a decision; will you give him another chance and not allow him to cross the boundaries or leave? that decision is yours to make. I can only give you my experience and the others that you see posting here. Enabling does not work and going back on your word only shows that an addict can continue to behave the same way.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
3:00 am September 13th, 2016

Craig,
Thank you for sharing, I am just glad that my articles can help you in some way. It sounds like it is time for a change.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Meg
4:35 pm September 16th, 2016

Married, 11 years to an addict. I constantly fight with myself about leaving. I love him so much. He’s not abusive but he is manipulative, he works and helps around the house BUT we do struggle finically. It terrifies me to leave but then again I know I’m an enabler so maybe the shock of me leaving would cause him to get sober. Another thing though- I WANT HIM TO GET SOBER FOR HIM. NOT BECAUSE IVE MADE HIM. Does that make since? He should want to get sober for himself, his son. The stress is wearing on me but the split would rip out my heart?! LOST

Amanda Andruzzi
4:15 am September 20th, 2016

Meg,
I was in a relationship and married to an addict and the father of my child for over 12 years. I know exactly how you feel. You are correct, if he sobers up for you, to appease you, it won’t last. You can however, let him know that you will be leaving the relationship if he does not sober up because you can no longer go on like this but you HAVE to be prepared to follow through with leaving. Is being with him, knowing you are being manipulated and lied to and living a sub-par life because your partner is an addict and cannot contribute to your financial and emotional health any less painful then leaving would be? you have to ask yourself that question before you can move on.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict
View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Andy
7:44 pm September 22nd, 2016

Hello, Amanda. I have been with my wife for 12 years (common law) she is a struggling alcoholic. when i first met her she was drinking typically every other day. Thought I could change her. Naive of me. We are at a point now where when she is not drinking, after some time her attitude reverts to being a selfish, angry, ungrateful person. I know it’s because she is starting to yearn the drink. It’s only a matter of time that something out of nowhere triggers the relapse. This past time she was sober for 4 months. The cycle is sober, drunk, recovery. the only difference is the timing. before it would happen every other week, now it’s more like every 4-5 months. Part of me feels that the best thing to do is move out and start my own life. I feel fear of leaving. I am the bread earner in the relationship so nothing will change financially. I will still continue to pay rent and bills as i do now. what i am scared of is actually leaving. Starting over. It makes me sad that i feel it has come to this. I just don’t feel I have the strength to deal with the stress of “what if she drinks” or the physical, mental, and spiritual abuse i have to absorb from her when she drinks. She is currently on a 6 day binge right now. I know i am tired of being slapped, yelled, bullied, and so when she drinks or when she is getting the urge to drink and doesn’t know how to release her frustrations. Even with all that I still find myself pondering if i should leave. I know, i’m nuts! the realtor is waiting for me as we speak so that i can sign a 1 year contract on a condo and yet i am here in my office thinking of what should i do…start a new life at 36 or go back home sleep on the couch and wait for the storm to blow over in a few days. Then i will be approached by her with apologies, telling me she is now ready to quit and is willing to do anything. Telling me how sorry she is. The the dust will settle, the emotions will be over and we start the dance all over again. sober, drunk, recovery. what should i do? Every sign points to me to leaving. Yet the fear will not let me see clearly. I think of all the nice times we’ve had and how we will not have them ever gain together, and that saddens and scares me. i have one foot out the door and frozen in place. I have left countless times before, i always came back. Regardless if it was 2 weeks away from her or 10 months away, I always came back. Before the anger would help me leave. I would always leave during a binge or relapse and being so angry at her i would tell myself “I don’t need this S***!” then after time i would miss her and believe she would change and come back. This time I don’t feel anger, all i feel is fear and sadness. The anger isn’t there to push me out the door. in 12 years i have never experienced these emotions. Please, some guidance from you, from anyone willing to share experiences and wisdom. Thank you for your time and God bless.

Sonali
1:12 pm September 23rd, 2016

I left my husband due to Codeine and alchol addiction after a hard tryship of 4 years. We have a 3.5 year son.. And things were going out of control at home.. Constant lies from him and financial crisis made me crazy with a sever concern that how would I raise my son in such situation.
I have tried to put him to rehabitation but was failed to convince him… And left his home one day… We have not yet divorced but don’t trust him at all for staying together.. He blames me that I have stolen his child… I feel miserable… Can’t decide further whether to divorce him or still wait for him.. He is very unpredictable and at times abuses and threatens too. Kindly help

sandy
2:03 pm October 1st, 2016

I started redating my first boyfriend after 33 years of no contact. I cared alot when we dated so yong. Circumstances pulled us apart. So when we dated later I found out he was a servere alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic and my mom stayed till their death. After 6 months he started saying hateful things when I wasn’t doing what he wanted. Laying with him when he was ready weather I was or not. I couldn’t leave in his grandmas car to work even though I had her permission. It got so bad I wantrd to physically hurt him. When he was drunk he eas hateful. Sober he claimed he didn’t remember anything and I was supposed to be ok with that. Well one to many times of him telling me to leave I didand now he keeps calling me.oh and he was a habitual liar. I care a lot abount him. Says he stopped drinking. Dr. Told him he had to and he wouldnt try. I didnt give him much time. I said either quit or I’m gone. Not watching you die. Within a week i was gone. Did I. Give enough time? Unsure what to do.

Jess
9:00 pm October 4th, 2016

Hi Amanda I am at desperation point. My life is a misery. My partner of 10 years spends £40 a day on weed. His mood swings are terrible and if my partner has not got work one day, I dread it, as it means that when he wakes in the morning the atmosphere is tense and hostile.I will not say a word until he has had a smoke because I am afraid. We have two children and I feel they are suffering due to the mood swings. He is in debt. I am not working i am a stay at home mum as my children are only 3 and 18 months. I have to manage the rent and bills on my money as his wages do not cover his habit. I have asked and begged him to stop. He knows how I feel and that I do not want my children around this. I feel the relationship is at breaking point. it’s like talking to brick wall and he sure doesn’t do enough to help me with the children. I want to leave him but I am scared. I am torn thinking my children need their father around but on the other hand they shouldn’t be having to live in this tense environment. What you said about fear is so true and I am coming to the point where I have to face it.

Emma
7:14 am October 5th, 2016

I’ve asked my husband to leave; a few times. He just won’t. He is an alcoholic. I have a small baby , and a 9 year old, and am just too tired to pack up & go anywhere. Where would I go? It took a long time to find an affordable home to rent & packing and moving because he’s*like this* just isn’t right.
I feel angry at him for lying to me about his drinking. I feel sad at the loss of my marriage, & the damage his behavior is causing to his relationship with his 9 year old son.
I want him to leave. When I tell him our marriage is over & he needs to move out he gets sad & says “I’ll quit drinking tomorrow, I don’t want to like this, I want to be close to you, be here with my family” But he doesn’t do anything different, day after day.
What am i supposed to do. I feel angry, and betrayed, and lonely.

Amanda Andruzzi
1:18 am October 6th, 2016

Andy,
I apologize getting back to you so late. Sometimes posts don’t get to me. I hope that you did sign that lease on the condo but if not there is still hope. Have you read Hope Street? I want you to understand what you are dealing with because if 12 years of this have changed nothing then something has to change and the change has to come from you. You can’t leave and come back, financially support and enable her addiction anymore. You have to let her go so that she cannot depend on you to continue her addiction and so that you can find happiness. Living like this for so long becomes normal and when we leave we start to remember all of the good and the feelings of love and the addict behavior can be put away quite easily. Everything you are experiencing is normal and it is hard to leave but if you don’t, you will never know if you have a chance to be happy on your own or with someone else. And with staying in this situation for 12 years you will have some serious issues to work through on your own, about you.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
1:20 am October 6th, 2016

Sonali,
If he is not getting clean and still saying hateful things or even worse, trying to blame you for leaving him, what should you go back to or wait for? It will only be more of the same.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
1:27 am October 6th, 2016

Jess,
If you feel the way that you do, you have to do something. Something does have to change because if you feel scared and miserable all of the time, eventually it will take its toll on you and you will break and then who will be there to care for your children. I have been where you are and although it is not easy to leave, it can be done and the alternative is much worse. If you have not read Hope Street, please check it out, I wrote it to help you through my own experience.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Amanda Andruzzi
1:31 am October 6th, 2016

Emma,
I don’t think it is fair that you should have to be held captive in a relationship that is so toxic. Regardless of the future, you need to have some peace in your life, I can hear it in your voice. If you have to you can have him removed from your home, especially if he is an alcoholic and drinks in front of the children. If he refuses to leave you can call the authorities to have him removed. I know that sounds awful but if all else fails, you have options, remember that. You don’t have to live like this anymore.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Jennifer
4:28 am October 7th, 2016

My boyfriend has been using again, cheating treating me as usual like a door mat, I’m very upset I have endured a lot of crap over years as I am a recovering addict as well, I had him move out and he ran to next female and free stay, I’m upset, depressed, hurt alone, feel like all I worked for is worthless, I’m tired, I’m very upset on knowing he is with a female, spreading lies out of anger, etc I’m ready to give up on life in general

Amanda Andruzzi
1:42 pm October 7th, 2016

Jennifer,
Please don’t give up because of someone else’s addiction. You know his behavior is part of his addiction, the drugs come first. As an addict in recovery living with an addict puts you in danger as does this whole situation. You are as healthy as your partner so if he is toxic it will affect you. Look at this as this a chance for you to start over. I know it is hard but you cannot give up. You can do this you just need help. Get support right away. You need to ask for help, a friend, family, a counselor, support group as soon as possible. Reach out, there is no shame in any of this. I have been there.
Amanda Andruzzi.

Shugg
4:22 am October 11th, 2016

I have 2 kids and one on the way by my boyfriend who told me he does coke I don’t know what to do becuz we have kids I don’t wana just leave but he never there for us I go days even week at a time without seeing him but he says he don’t cheat and he wants to be with me I’m so hurt.

Marianne
11:55 pm October 11th, 2016

Help!! I’m so unsure of what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months….he is an alcoholic who has done drugs off and on as well. This year has been rough, he has stole $780 from me, he has been with 5 different woman, he has stolen countess little $$ amounts, he lies; sober or not…I’ve had to call police numerous times on him because when he drinks he does a jekyll and hyde thing and he will want to fight, be mean and is very scary to be around. He was in jail 49 days due to his behavior while drunk….was out for 2 days and drank again. We have a no contact order because he pushed me onto the bed so he got charged with assault; which he pleaded guilty to. He’s been kicked out of both shelters here due to fighting so here’s now banned from them. He’s had about 5 jobs since I’ve known him…none lasting more than a week if were lucky. Child services was called been because of the assult and my 2 teen girls were upstairs when it happened.He is currently in treatment for hopefully a year but he’s done a 3 month treatment center before and after 2 months got kicked out for drinking and after that only lasted a month in another before quitting. My question is am I crazy to stay with him? My trust is broken, I’m always worried that he’s going to drink…..but when he’s sober besides the lying and never having a job he treats me really great, I feel so loved and he does do much for my girls and I. But my parents Hate him because he threatened my dad while he was drunk, my oldest daughter and my sister don’t trust him so how can we possibly have a future?? What would others do in this situation. ..would you stay or walk away??? I just don’t know. He said if I leave then he’s walking out of treatment but if I’m not sure staying is best for my girls and I. I do love the sober boyfriend but he’s 42 and has drank for 25 years….is it worth the risk of maybe he might get sober this time and stay sober…i just dont know.Any advice would be appreciated.

Amanda Andruzzi
5:15 pm October 12th, 2016

Shugg and Marianne,

I want you both to please read the other articles I have written, on this blog site. I suggest also reading Hope Street as I wrote it to help you and give you the hope, encouragement and support you need to get through this. Please don’t give up on yourselves, especially for the sake of your children. I also would like to start a phone/skype and internet support and coaching group. If you are interested please let me know.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the video book trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Sonali
2:16 pm October 13th, 2016

Thanks Amanda for your time and reply….I understand it completely that all I need is the inner strength to take the decision. I will surely read your book because each and every line of your blog(losses, enabling….fear.. ) tells me as if it’s my situation. I m up for skype, chat and talks as mentioned in one of your below reply because I feel vulnerable at times and want to talk someone who can boost up my mind. One serious question here arises… Why I feel guilty that I m keeping my son away from his family (grandparents) they don’t support the i’ll behaviour of my husband but they hate me because I left him. Thanks again

Amanda Andruzzi
2:58 pm October 13th, 2016

Somali,
Are you doing everything you can? The best you can? Then if your in laws hate you and use this as an excuse to not see their grandchild that is their issue, not yours. Maybe they would feel differently if they had to live with him and depend on him as a husband and father like you did. Don’t second guess yourself, your motives are pure.
Amanda

Sonali
8:56 pm October 14th, 2016

Thanks Amanda for those words. I feel much clearer and stronger. Please be in touch.

Amanda
8:55 pm October 23rd, 2016

Amanda, I read all yr articles and I’m going to pick up yr book on Friday. I would be interested in anything else you suggest.
Thanks again

Amanda Andruzzi
4:02 pm October 25th, 2016

Sonali & Amanda,
DON’T GIVE UP! I am here to help.
Amanda Andruzzi, published author, Hope Street, a memoir from the wife of an addict View the Video BOOK Trailer: http://sbprabooks.com/amandaandruzzi/video/

Kim
3:41 am November 20th, 2016

The familiarity of these posts lets me know my situation was real. I was so deep in denial in regards to my ex husbands addictions that I developed this fantasy world where I existed. As the children left for college the addictive behavior worsened. Where was our money we worked so hard for? Why are old addict friends starting to hang around again? Why did your good friend get sent to prison? Why is your job not going well? Why are credit card companies calling? Where are you going? Why didn’t you come home? Really $60,000 of credit card debit that was on cards no one knew existed?? Oh all that is okay baby I can take care of it all again, just like before and before. You don’t have to be accountable or responsible. We need help! No, you need help you are crazy! Am I really crazy? Not according to psychological testing! Not according to my therapist ! It was time to leave!

Sonali
8:37 pm November 26th, 2016

Hi Amanda, Greetings!

As I told you that I left my husband’s place along with my 4 year child a year ago due to addiction issue of my husband. Since 8-10 months he was giving mix reaction of love and hatred.So.. When I prepared my mind and rigidly asked for divorce, he refused to do so and since then he became very polite and understanding… He is saying that he just wanted to talk to me and in return he will not ask for anything else. He says his only motive is to win my heart again. He is begging me just for a day talk over the phone. He talks to our son also… My son also miss him very much and enjoy talking with him.

Please suggest me whether I should talk to him or not.?? . I still feel for him but don’t want to get into any kind of mess and disappointment again.

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About Amanda Andruzzi

Amanda Andruzzi, MPH, AADP, CHES, is a Certified Health Coach, founder of Symptom-Free Wellness, and the author of Hope Street. Her first book, Hope Street memoir is an inspirational story of one woman's frightening journey of co-addiction that led her to uncover courage, unbelievable strength and overcome great adversity. She resides with her daughter, husband, and two sons in Florida.

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